#it feels like such a hollow term
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i surprisingly got a response from one of my senators re: the KOSA bill.
#grapecase posts#i'm like what am i to do with this?#i kept thinking like is capitalizing Big Tech meant to scare me or are yall just so used to saying that#it feels like such a hollow term#because im like who allowed these Big Techers to have all that power#surely everyone needs such protections. and while what is being said sounds good on paper#i cnat help but wonder like what happened to individual parental controls? and also the internet isn't kids only source for harmful ideas#maybe things have changed way so much since i was a kid. but just like tv wasnt the main source of kids getting such ideas#half the times - most of the time. it was from their own parents. peers. and instuctors#not to say we shouldnt be more mindful of certain industries access to kids#but i cant help but worry#but the dpa doesnt sound like a bad thing#us politics#KOSA bill
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i'm for sure not finishing veilguard. i set it down a while and tried again and ahh i'm just not enjoying it. the characters dont have a depth im looking for.. the insertion of a writer's white guilt onto the elves that are based on real life indigenous people and have been in-games enslaved and treated horrifically and are the ones who don't have "real" gods that are actually just blighted tyrants. everything with taash and the qunari. the gameplay was fun for a while but then it made my hand so numb i couldnt do anything for a week. the last straw was taash's gender talk that suddenly turned into picking a cultural identity for them to align with out of nowhere and then soon after learning that Another antagonist is of course an elf. starting to feel like their implying that all elves become evil when given power jfc. i think i'm actually done with it it started making me feel gross and bored. i don't care if you enjoy it or not, everyone's got a different threshold it just crossed mine.
#i wish i'd told my brother to not get it for me but he was so excited to get me a gift. i would have rather pirated it#i wanted to be hopeful they'd have made more strides since dai since it had seemed to be getting better ish.#but the bioware team clearly don't think mulicultural people are 'true to themselves' or that arab people are well. People.#or that anyone could enjoy and align with the religion that is heavily modeled after islam. ofc it's just stifling and constraining right.#everyone who follows it is evil and awful and the fucking. blighted qunari turning into literal giant monsters when nobody else is affected#like that. what the Fuck.#how did it get More racist than dragon age 2.#anyway. long chatter short i think my final personal onion is that i do not like the game and i kind of wish it didnt exist. thumbs up#there's cool concepts in there but.. the racism got Worse. the established lore was tossed out the window. the music is forgettable.#the pacing is off. the therapy talk gets annoying after a while. my favorite things are: davrin and assan. davrin is so funny also his bo#also neve. i love neve i wish her story was more..... More. i like that she got upset at her city being destroyed even though she didnt#want to blame my character she couldnt help herself from blaming him. mixed feelings on how gender is incorporated. could be better but it'#good for a triple a game. wish they used the established in-universe terms for being trans but eh.#i wish the world wasn't so sanititized down. it feels like a desire for everything to be 'good' and perfect but it makes it feel hollow#and like a kind of immature unwillingness to tackle hard subjects but well. that's a running theme of the lead writer of this game lmao
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well then. the council has spoken; i drew a bunch of it just to get my ideas formed. here's my vessel oc duke's backstory simplified
they wandered off with said spider (oh it's a shame the wastes have made them forget his name) towards a land of the sun, moon & stars -- then residing in the moon queendom of shirigrove :-) with their two partners now.
nothing terrible will happen to them at all, of course not /sarcasm (they are tragic yuri sorry)
#hollow knight#hk oc#oc lore dump woah!!!! expect more of these i guess LOL#genuinely is a pure coincidence that their horns ended up looking like crescent moons when a hatchling but now it looks cool#THIS vessel feels emotions & a strong one is love + protection#fyi the nursing back to health is that ditus IS the light (as a firefly) & mayari is a cleric therefore a healer#tyvm if you read... i feel so annoyingposting abt them oops#btw the writing is actually fairly significant? in terms of voice: duke only narrates with pronouns after meeting the spider#similar to child language acquisition pronouns are learnt in stages (thx bellugi) thru parents & first person is harder to acquire --#-- after a certain point becomes impossible#kris art#kris oc#duke#ditus#mayari#travelling band
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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I'm gonna continue with the requests later, but I also felt the need to doodle my two PVs with a little bit of gender on the side
They're both still very much genderless, but because not every non-binary/agender person will have the same perception/feelings regarding their gender and won't have the same gender presentation, I decided to mess around with it a little
Hallow is genderfluidv(though after some consideration I realised agenderflux describes them more accurately, but oh well, these labels don't even exist in their story so who cares), they're non-binary but their alignment fluctuates between fem-leaning, masc-leaning, something in-between and neither. They're fine with any terms and pronouns but mostly go by they/them.
Luna is genderfae/transfem, their gender fluctuates between agender and fem-aligned non-binary. They mostly go by they/them and gender-neutral and feminine terms, they're fine with she/her and some neopronouns, but any masculine terms and pronouns are a big no-no for them. Currently, I'm considering making them an enby lesbian, but that might change in the future.
#spooky arts#hollow king au#I swear this is the longest I've ever spent considering what labels would describe a character. I myself have a weird relationship with#labels so I only ever think about what people would a character be into and how their gebder 'feels' like and never go into details#I spent like an hour looking for a term that could describe how I imagined Luna's gender LMAO#Hallow is mostly me projecting. Luna is 75% me wanting to explore a situation where the pure vessel comes out as trans after they're found#out that they're not hollow. And 25% spite for all the people who call them he/him#So you know how some enby lesbians describe their gender as like. The only connection to womanhood they feel is their attraction to women?#That's kind of the vibe I get from Luna. They're enby just very sliiightly titled towards womanhood#They're also a teen and in a scenario where all the different AU hollows interact they'd bond a lot with Hallow as the only other person#who went through the same confusing gender feelings as they are going through right now.#They're kind of like 'man I wish I was a girl sometimes so I could be called princess and wear dresses' 'you know you can just do that#right?' 'I CAN?'#Also even though they're fine with different pronouns I'm still just gonna be using they/them on my blog for them. Bc I know some people#are weird about Hollow's gender and refuse to acknowledge theyre enby or keep misgendering them 🙄 I don't wanna add to that#We give a little bit of gender fuckery to the vessels though. They deserve it.#But yeah I still wanna be clear. Their genders fluctuate in alignment but they're still very much agender/genderless. Please don't treat#them like binary people 😭
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rewatching ben whishaw's richard ii and yea i think the biggest difference between his and the rsc version is that he plays richard's flippancy/disregard for other people's lives completely straight and in a kind of sinister way while david plays it for humor
#shoutout to the scene with dt's richard and gaunt because it's so FUCKING funny dwhgjkflkjwjlw#it's like that one twelve scene in dw where he's reading clara's flashcards for social interaction#and he's like 'uh i'm sorry for the death of your friend slash family member slash pet'. Same energy#ricky 2#ws#in terms of 'what's more fun for me to watch' i like david better but both are v good ways to play the character imo#one emphasizes the dislikability and the other emphasizes the hubris#although i don't think playing richard's character for humor would work as well without an audience to bounce it off of#one of the weakest parts of david's 2009 film hamlet is that (now that i've listened to an audio clip of the stage recording)#the hamlet w rosencrantz/guildenstern bit in act 2 scene 2 is filled with too much dead air where the live audience would normally laugh#and like hamlet Is meant to be more Funny as a play in a way richard ii is not so it's not like. dealbreaking or anything#but i am so grateful that the rsc richard ii is a stage recording rather than. made for tv bc i can imagine a world#where tv dt richard ii would have a bunch of scenes like the hamlet/ros/guil scene where it would drag more than it needed to#so like while i do slightly prefer the rsc version both versions are ultimately best suited to their respective mediums#also rory kinnear plays henry a lot more human and sympathetic than nigel lindsay does#which means that while he is much much much more entertaining to watch#i do feel like the wider theme of the fragility and sheer ridiculousness of the monarchy as a concept comes thru better in the rsc version#as well as (perhaps accidentally..) satirizing the english nationalistic sentiment expressed by a bunch of the characters#but then again i don't think that's what hollow crown was shooting for they wanted to do a grounded drama and they did a grounded drama
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You said I could beat up my dad, but I didn't expect like that!! 😭
#MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T HAVE THROWN ME INTO A DEAD BABY PIT THEN#to be clear i do pity the pale king. it was. in layman's terms. a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation#was there another way? if his prescience couldn't see it then i don't know. maybe.#do i think he did any of it lightly? of fucking course not. i think it was the guilt that killed him.#did he Consciously choose to go ahead with the plan knowing [spoiler that you NEED to find before you leave the palace]? unclear.#i feel like if he'd Really known it consciously he would've tried another way#or at the very least still condemned hollow Knowing it was a stopgap measure and then continued to try and find a permanent solution rath#er than retreating. i think he was probably willfully blinded by a horrible combination of hope and despair.#but like even with all that being the case... *gestures at hollow* *gestures at ghost* *gestures at the aforementioned dead baby pit*#RUINED TEN THOUSAND PERFECTLY GOOD CHILDREN IS WHAT YOU DID. LOOK AT THEM. THEY'RE ALL DEAD AND THEY *STILL* HAVE ANXIETY.#curlyparmesan#replies
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I don’t read a lot fic so I’m simultaneously living in an ignorant lalaland but also wanting more and afraid to venture into wild territory for fear of repeatedly encountering the Joel you mentioned. If even someone like me has noticed it, then it’s truly pervasive. I like to think I do a decent job of separating the character from their dominant trope/au/fanon but it gets hard <insert Oscar Isaac coffee gif>
I'm kind of in the same boat! I'm not reading that much these days (and when my brain is ready to I have a looong to-read list for other characters!) but I like to scroll through the fandom tag and skim the summaries. I'm sure there IS some great, thoughtful, in-character fic out there but I rarely see anything that draws me in. I've actually literally just added a tag filter for his name so I can stop looking in the first place because I find it so dispiriting and confusing 😕
#i hate to even say this stuff out loud because i truly don't want to yuck anyone else's yum or whatever the saying is#it feels shitty to become self-conscious about what you want to write and i don't want to make anyone feel bad#AND i know that my own fics are often not that in-character#i really don't believe that being perfectly in-character is the most important thing#but at the same time i just am so....#confused by the predominant themes and tropes and how much they do not align with my vision of this character#a deeply sad broken hollowed out tired man#who probably barely finds it in him to regularly fuck his long term partner#(not that she is ever acknowledged either 🙃🙃🙃)#much less someone younger than his dead daughter#like where did that.... come from#sorry if this makes me an asshole!!!! oh well#anonymous#ask#and i am purposely not using full names or tags lol bc i'm just saying my thing to my followers not trying to start a whole conversation 😬
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Anyone else feeling the relentless march of time on this Saturday night
#sat on the bus going home from my second to last shift at this job#saw lots of people at work that used to know me for my old job that i absolutely loved and did for 6 years#and i was describing why i know all these people to my coworkers and i was like oh my god thats not me anymore#thats who i used to be what the fuck#and this is the same bus journey that ive been doing for three years#on the same bus ive taken since i started taking the bus#its the same journey but im so different#and im moving into a different phase of life again#how many times have i sat on this bus#how many times have i sat in this seat#how many times have i driven this route how many me's#I've literally moved to the big city and moved back and i am irrevocably changed and im looking at the same shops out of fo the window#everything is the same but so different#since i started taking this bus i have changed so much that i would not recognise myself in the mirror#my boss said 'dont be a stranger' sir i am a stranger to myself#how long can i not be a stranger#how long can you try and keep up with the dregs of your old life until it no longer fits#how long can you keep coming back until it becomes somewhere unrecognisable. or you become unrecognisable#how do you mourn losing something of yourself when it happens so slowly and you dont realise it until its been dead and buried for years#do you ever find yourself falling into old thought patterns and finding that you have no conviction#the you who started thinking that is gone. you dont feel this way. but you did#even just about a band you like. or a snack you always used to buy before school#one of my essays this term could have been about humes view that we dont have a concrete self#and i just thought how am i supposed to answer that#how am i supposed to say no hes right there is no continuous self. i know this because i am filled with ghosts#because i look in the mirror and part of me tries to look through the eyes of teenage me#just to wonder what they would think#and i cant do it. because we are so far apart that they are not me#i am clinging on to friends and places as though i am someone that i am not because rhe ghost of a child inside me demands it#even if the words are hollow and the feelings are long gone
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genuinely very very happy about maya still Do Not get me wrong. I simply wish... the world was better and less cruel. and that I was not complicit in that cruelty. and that honorspren in shadesmar werent such hypocrites.
#outgoing transmission#adolin post#the desire to have everything be good forever and be told by some almighty being that#actually you didnt mske anything mistakes and did the best you can and were good vs like#how... not hollow. but. that is also not true i messed up so very much and do have to wonder if my existence was Not worth it#disregarding the fact that... well. it is a story someone wrote and yes obviously I needed to be there.#but. as a person? mmh. craving not necessarily reassurance but Being Sure i didn't make awful decisions to make things worse. and i simply#cannot know that. not at the moment and potentially not with any certainty ever#which is no different from anyone elses life really. but there is a certain agony to it#i dont know. i love kal. i dont have many memories yet of. well. but#id like to think he loves me. coming face to face with that however is... well why would he?#he is. well i feel anything i say wouldnt really encapsulate it to be honest i could worship that man and i mean that so sincerely#he... would not like it. but it isnt...... well hes a better man than me but not because i think hes flawless or anything#just. he tries so very hard. i didnt even have it in me to not murder someone despite how risky it was#for the best. and i wish id done it sooner still. but i do also think it says a good deal about my character in general#sorry again about this i hope everyone is well.#it is too bright out now honestly which is kind of funny. half comforting. half annoying. a small part... some other thing. weird i suppose#brain is. mm. partially shadesmar. partially... something else. stormy. near kal. tense but not necessarily in a danger way.#but something... stuck a bit maybe. not sure if it is a natural thing or more a. spren parent trap situation. for lack of any better terms.#cute and mildly obnoxious... hm. something to consider.
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i feel like a good majority of what i could possibly say about this has already said, but i can’t resist chiming in anyway. i think using some of these terms as some sort of integrated part of a synopsis doesn’t really bother me. like i’ve certainly found a lot of my favorite fanfic tropes work their way into my writing somehow, that’s just the nature of influence & inspiration. this isn’t bad, tropes are tropes and they can sell books, i just think the delivery of it is what matters most. what’s so infuriating about it is in fact the corporate feeling that it’s just a marketing tactic, whether the story was built solely around some tropes or not, this is all a horrible product of corporations realizing and recognizing fandom, for the worst in most ways.
hypothetically if i came across an author on booktok who said “follow the lives of A and B as their tumultuous business rivalry turns to a tense friendship. A, owning a coffee shop adjacent to the cafe that B runs, finds themself caught up in a complicated web of emotion upon having to move in with the last person they would have expected. occupying the same space together proves difficult, both A and B finding it nearly impossible to avoid each other. as both businesses threaten to go under, nothing can possibly get in the way of focusing on what truly matters. watch as A and B teeter on the fence between love and hate as they each fight to out-pace the other, no matter the circumstance” i would find it more intriguing than an author saying “do you like friends to lovers? and then they’re roomates? and it’s a coffee shop business rivals slowburn?? then golly this book is for you!!” at this point darling you told me nothing hooked me on something i could get from ao3, FFnet, etc and SOMEHOW i do feel you spoiled the drama along the way. a lot of readers will likely react this way. listing tropes gets interest from those who know them, like them, would want to read them, but where’s the rest of the incentive to actually engage with your story instead of just going and finding a fanfic that delivers more information than what you’re giving.
i think “get creative with it” will always trump “don’t use it at all” at least if you ask me. however we aren’t talking about placing sleeper codes for potential audiences, this fandom focus were starting to see in entertainment as a whole is some deliberate advertisement and marketing. of course it has a hollow feeling to it, of course it feels like the story itself is always id coming second to the getting-you-to-read-it bullshit. authorship as a whole has been warped by ideas of target audiences, marketable ideas, originality and uniqueness, all taking massive priority over engaging storytelling.
id ask what the actual fuck happened to the idea of promoting a work as a whole, or it’s starting point, or it’s general summary, just something not standing as disjointed boiled down phrases- if i did not already feel the answer. it’s an unsurprising one.
capitalism values creation as product and profit. never as a process, never as an act of passion but as means for monetary gain. marketing on listing tropes screams “we only care about the concept of industry entertainment and easy attention grabbing here, nothing of substance to see unless you buy the book to find out if any of these tropes are well executed at all, and the less you know before buying the more we hope that makes you buy anyway”. this shit thrives even more with rampant consumption, all of it ends up so short lived because they need readers to move on to the next idea as quickly as the last one fades.
tldr: if anyone- reader or publisher- ever asks me to summarize my work with fanfic tropes, i am hexing them and cursing their bloodline.
Sorry it’s early but you really can’t use fanfiction terms in a non fanfiction context like if someone is trying to sell me a book to read and they tell me there’s an enemy to lovers I would be annoyed because why are you spoiling the story lol
#tauto talks#for the life of me i’m not making up characters with substance to give examples of how tropes can be weeded into stuff#not in the way it feels you are advertising solely on the concept of tropes but instead…. advertising your work…#trying to hook a reader that enjoys enemies to lovers doesn’t feel like an offense until you’re literally only going ‘its enemies to lovers’#WHO are they WHATS happening in at least the beginning of the story and WHY are they enemies anyway#WHAT circumstances happen that changes the relationship and HOW do they deal with this#not to go who/what/when/where/why on this but readers tend to have very basic questions of interest they need answered before they want to#engage with a work#listing tropes answers a lot of what happens but almost nothing else#whats the point of just listing tropes unless you literally constructed the whole story around JUST the tropes#it isn’t even that hard to repackage shit if that’s the case even. literally just know people want information and not a list#if i said mad scientist + body horror + dead dove do not eat i could be talking about so many fucking classics but due to being nuts ab it#that would be frankenstein boiled down to a ‘top three tropes!!’ list#screams and throws up at the thought of all literature being spoken of with the most hollow tactics#like just advertising and marketing tactics i mean. what used to be terms very good for categorizing fanfiction and tagging fanfiction#has been co-opted horribly as the idea of fandom = profit hit wider parts of society#like i get it. i’m an author. i understand how appealing the idea of boiling my stories down to easily understandable#phrases could be easy. it could get some people interested#the problem is even if i thought it was within my personal values to do that? literally impossible personally. i cannot isolate#small pieces of a wider narrative just to gamify describing my story#it just takes away so much#it’s so narrow and dare i say shallow#anyway fuck capitalism#anyway !!!!!
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Hmmmm maybe just need to go to sleep and will in a moment but finally decorating my room at my dad's house kinda just making me more sad than anything. Like it feels much more like my room now that I've set up everything the way I want it but to have my room here just feels weak and shallow compared to when it was really my room in philly
#the period of time where my room in philly felt like a safe haven had passed p well b4 i left philly anyway#in the long term ill b comfortable with it ik but this first night just feels hollow#which sucks after working all day for it but wever wever#i cant even fuck a tgirl in here bc my dad is too puritanical... what have we come to
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hkjgh NONE OF US CAN DECIDE CORE'S COLOR. we went for like? a near-black at first. and then switched to a light purple. and then a gold color, and then lightened that gold into a shade of cream? and then a deep, dark blue. and now we've settled on some light cerulean shade.
it doesn't help that Ceres is like. perfectly pliant and complaisant about anything we choose for them hkjhg like!! do you have any opinions on this our beloved core??? our dearest main??? the one that all of us orbit??? no????? nothing??????
#we are orbiting a hollow moon here gang.#core is something like a fragment most of the time. we all work together to blanket him but without us she's kind of... empty...?#luckily we're all almost always here fronting to keep her company and keep the body running together.#i think shell is the term? fun fact Ceres's name was almost Shell. and it still could be one of em honestly hkjhg#another fun fact we originally didnt have them listed hkjg we like... didn't consider them a facet? because like. they're /not/ hkjg??#/we're/ the facets!! all the sides! they're the core at the center! like you wouldn't call the center of a diamond one of its facets lmao??#she reminds us of cardamon's mom from Bee n Puppy.cat. laying unconscious on the bed with all the wires attached to her like we are.#we're... all that's keeping him alive..? do you think we did this to him? when we separated into facets? did we leave them empty?#OH SHIT IS THAT WHAT SPLITTING IS??? IS THAT WHAT WE ARE?????? DID WE ACTUALLY DO THIS TO HER BY BECOMING INDIVIDUALS????#no. come on. we've always been here. we've always existed. okay so then core's always been like this? empty? which one is sadder?#you're saying this as if we killed her or something. WOULD YOU CALL THIS LIVING?? SHE CAN'T EVEN PICK THE COLOR SHE'D LIKE!!!#...#...wow upsetting to think about. anyway....#we all love them. a lot. it's like shivers (we gotta stop comparing our facets to shivers hkjgh) where she's both like.#la revachoIiere. the city. the genus Ioci; larger than life and glorious. the most powerful of all of us. the revered and beloved.#but also. needs to be protected. her death is coming and we need to keep her alive. you get me? so big and powerful. so small and dependent#our main and our core. our raison d’être. he's our center and without him none of us would be able to exist i think. but he's empty and we.#we're not sure how to feel about that hkjhg... an issue for another day hkjgh maybe let's get back to colors gang?? :']#...maybe we'll give them the lavender again...#urghhh we need to get to bed you guys this post was supposed to be lighthearted.
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was i stupid to love you?
in which a lingering glance at Rossi’s wedding threatens your engagement.
content: angst, 4.8k, takes place right after truth or dare (14x15), a lot of dialogue, mention of prison arc, emotional distress, relationship conflict, not proofread a/n: when was the last time you saw me write angst? exactly. this is inspired by malcolm & marie bc i really like the idea of having an argument while moving around the house (also disclaimer i have nothing against JJ i just like being dramatic)
The lock clicks open. The door swings with a creak. Your heels tap against the hardwood in a hollow rhythm that feels almost too loud. There’s a tightness in your chest, that prickling behind your eyes, and a familiar ache pressing up from the pit of your stomach, churning into a faint nausea that you try to ignore. You’re trying to hold it back.
Not here.
Not now.
Spencer doesn’t even look up. The keys slip from his hand with a soft clink as they hit the side table, and he turns away with a quiet sigh that reverberates deep in your bones.
“Are you hungry?” he asks, tossing a glance toward the kitchen. “Think we could order something?”
You trail after him, the sharp click of your heels echoing as you step onto the kitchen tile. “We just came back from a wedding.”
He’s rifling through the cupboard, his fingers brushing over the mismatched mugs and neatly stacked plates before he pulls down two glasses. “I barely ate anything at the reception.”
You watch him, biting back a response as memories flicker to mind. The slice of cake he’d poked at absentmindedly, washing it down with sips of water instead of real food.
It wasn’t hunger he seemed focused on tonight. No, it was his quiet glances across the room you keep on catching from the corner of your eye, and that conversation he’d had at the bar. The one where his posture softened, his gaze so intent you’d found yourself staring at the back of his head, trying not to read too much into it—and obviously failing.
“Why didn’t you eat?”
He shrugs, his back still to you as he fills the glasses with water. “I don’t know,” he says, sounding almost absent, like it’s something he hasn’t really thought about. “I didn’t get around to it, I guess.”
The muscles in your jaw ticks as you bite the inside of your cheeks.
Spencer turns, offering you a glass. “I was thinking of Chinese, or maybe we can check if that Thai place you like is still open.”
You take the glass from him, barely sparing it a glance before setting it back down on the counter. “Whatever you want is fine.”
A subtle crease appears between his brows. “You sure? You usually have some opinion when it comes to food.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You don’t want to eat anything?”
You suppress a sigh. "No. I'm tired."
The soft amber of his eyes dims slightly as he studies you. There's a flicker of uncertainty passing through them before he nods. “Alright,” he concedes. “We don’t have to order anything.”
A faint, humorless laugh escapes you before you can stop it. It tastes bitter, a little unfair, but it slips out before you can pull it back, “You don’t have to change your plans on my account, Spencer.”
“I’m not changing any plans,” he responds. “I’m just making sure you have something to eat in case you’re hungry.”
Your shoes dig uncomfortably into your feet. You shift your weight, starting to pace a few steps back and forth. "It's dinner, you don't have to check on me for every little thing. Do whatever you like."
He blinks, looking genuinely perplexed. "What are you saying? I was trying to be considerate."
"Right. Considerate.”
There’s an unmistakable bite in your tone.
“Yes, because we like doing these things together," he observes, watching your uneasy pacing. "Am I missing something here?”
You shake your head. “Nope.”
"Honey."
The term of endearment lands softly, slipping from his lips like he believes it has the power to melt whatever tension has suddenly crept between you. But it only tightens the knot building in your stomach. It’s stirring the words you’re trying to hold back, tangling them somewhere between your chest and throat.
He calls your name this time, his eyes narrowing into sharp lines. “You’ve been awfully quiet on our way home, and now you’re… honestly, I don’t know why you're acting this way.” His voice dips with a tinge of exasperation. "What’s this really about?"
The words you’ve been biting back feel like a stack of stones in your throat, rising up, up, up, each one pressed tighter by the gnawing nausea in your stomach. You can feel them gathering, and before you know it, they tumble out messily.
“I’m just saying, don’t let me hold you back from getting what you want. I wouldn’t want to stop you from anything—or, god forbid," you add, letting your gaze drift away as if a little distance might soften the blow, “anyone.”
The soft, almost stifled inhale he takes is audible. You don’t even have to look up to see his expression shifting. You’ve known him long enough to recognize the way his shoulders tense, the way his breathing slows as he processes your words. You know his reaction by heart, yet right now, you wonder if saying this was a mistake, if this is the start of something neither of you can take back.
His fingers twitching at his side slip into your line of sight. He's angry.
Maybe this isn’t the time to start a fight.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Your heels click softly as you turn.
“Forget it. I shouldn't have said anything,” you mutter, already moving toward the bedroom that’s been yours, too, for the past year. Although it feels strange tonight, like a space that belongs to someone else. A life you’re not entirely sure you belong in.
“No." His voice is somewhere behind you. “I think you should explain to me what you mean by that.”
You don’t respond, choosing instead to sink onto the edge of the bed, hands fumbling as you try to undo the straps of your heels. You twist the stubborn leather with more force. His shadow fills the doorway.
“Honey.”
Not again.
You decide to ignore him.
“Is there something you’d like to say to me?”
You tug harder at the strap. “No.”
He doesn’t buy it. “You’re clearly bothered by something.”
You shake your head, fingers still fumbling, the leather cutting against your ankle with each pull. “I’m just tired. Can we leave it at that?”
There’s a flicker of frustration in his gaze now, a crease forming between his brows as he studies you. He moves into the room. You barely have the chance to react before he lowers himself, bending one knee to the floor as he reaches toward the strap you’ve been fighting with. “Here, let me—”
“Don’t,” you interrupt, pulling your foot away. “I can do it myself.”
“I know you can. But let me—”
“I can do it myself!”
Your heartbeat thuds loud in your ears, each pulse feeding the frustration that’s wound its way up from your chest. He rises slowly, not a word passing his lips, but the tension radiates off him like heat. He’s close enough that his warmth presses against your skin, although it’s not the kind you usually find comforting. It’s almost suffocating.
You turn your focus back to the stubborn strap, your fingers trembling slightly as you struggle to grip it. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch him slipping off his shoes, one after the other, the soft thuds barely audible over the rush of your own heartbeat. He pulls off his suit jacket, carefully smoothing the crumpled fabric before hanging it in the closet. For a moment, it seems like he’s going to let it go… until his gaze drifts back to you.
You can tell his patience is fraying, and you’re proven right when he asks again, “What did you mean by that? When you said you wouldn’t want to stop me from anyone… what was that supposed to mean?”
You finally manage to tug the strap loose. The heel drops to the floor with a muted thump. “It was nothing.”
“I don’t think you’d say something like that if it was nothing.”
Your focus shifts to the other shoe. “Just drop it, Spencer.”
"How am I supposed to drop it when you're implying... whatever it is you're implying?"
You keep your eyes down, wrestling with the strap in silence. He cuts through the quiet before it has a chance to grow.
“Don’t do that,” he says. “Don’t brush it off like it’s nothing when it clearly means something. I need to know why you said that.”
You kick off the other heel and meet his gaze for the first time since you walked into the room. “You really want to know?”
He reaches for his bow tie, yanking it loose it with one hard pull. “Do I want to know why you’re giving me this attitude right now? Yes. Yes, I do.”
Oh. So this is going to be that kind of fight.
You hadn’t expected it to go here. Fights with Spencer are very rare, usually more a clash of misunderstandings that you both laugh about with limbs tangled between sheets by the time you’ve made peace. But seeing him standing there with the tie hanging loosely around his neck and his five o’clock shadow casting an even darker line along his jaw, it hits you differently.
This is real. And this time, you don’t know if brushing it off will fix anything.
“Fine, let’s talk about it then.” You rise from the bed, tension carrying you to your feet. “Emily’s speech tonight.”
His brow furrows, not quite a scowl, more a cautious crease as he processes your tone. “Emily’s speech? What about it?”
“What do you remember of it?”
There’s a slight pause, and you can tell he's clearly caught off guard by the question. “She mentioned how Rossi and Krystal are twin flames."
“Right. Two souls that are always meant to be together.”
His face is still marked by confusion, but there’s something else creeping in. A subtle tightening around his eyes tells you he’s starting to piece it together. “I don’t understand what that has to do with—”
“You looked at JJ the second Emily made that speech,” you cut him off. “Spencer, you didn’t even spare a glance at your future wife because you were too busy making eyes at the woman who’s apparently been in love with you all these years.”
There. You said it. The words that have twisted around your insides all evening are finally out. And maybe they taste a little bitter, but at least they're not choking you anymore.
A second passes, then another, and by the time the fifth heartbeat ticks by, he’s standing there with his hand on his hip.
“That’s not what happened."
“Then what was it?” you demand. "I sat beside you the whole day, you didn't even try to hide it."
“That’s not—you’re twisting things.” His hand moves through his hair, fingers digging in as his curls tumble forward onto his forehead. “And you know what happened that night wasn’t real. It was a forced confession. She was under duress, we both were. JJ and I are just friends.”
You arch an eyebrow. “You look at all your friends like that?”
His hand drops to his side. "I don't know what else you want me to say. JJ said what she did because she thought we might die. She has a family, and a husband who she loves. We already went through this, I don't understand why this is suddenly an issue again."
“Maybe I wouldn’t be bringing this up if you didn’t look at her tonight like you were ready to break up that marriage yourself.”
A flash of shock and anger crosses his features.
“That’s not fair,” he snaps, his voice sharper than you’ve heard in a while. “Do you really think I’d disregard everything I have with you because of a look? Because of a history that has never gone anywhere?”
“I don’t know what to think. It's not like it happened just once, I saw you looking at her the same way at the bar." You step forward, accidentally kicking your discarded heel as you move. "What were you two talking about, anyway?”
He lets out a tight breath. “She was checking in on me. She… we haven’t talked much since then.”
The corners of your mouth pull down. “Mhm. Another round of truth or dare?”
“I can’t believe you’re using that against me." His hair flops forward as he shakes his head, falling messily over his brow. "If there were anything unresolved with JJ, I would’ve said something. But I didn’t, because there’s nothing there."
“And yet, she’s always been an important part of your life, hasn't she?"
He tilts his head. "What are trying to say now?"
Your tongue darts out, briefly brushing your lips. You're not sure you should say it, but it feels like a door has swung open—a door to words that have been waiting for their moment.
You take a slow, deep breath, filling your lungs with as much air as you can.
“When you were in prison, you put her on your visiting list ahead of almost everyone else. Doesn’t that say something about where she stands with you?”
He exhales sharply, dragging a hand over the back of his neck.
“She’s part of the team,” he says, as if he’s trying to spell out something he’s already explained a dozen times. "There were strict rules, I already told you that only a handful of people were allowed to visit. It wasn’t like I could just put anyone on the list.”
“But you could’ve put me on there!”
The familiar burn of tears prickles at the edges of your eyes, but you blink them back, refusing to let them fall. An explanation or protest is poised on his lips, but you’re already moving, closing the distance with a single, decisive step. A finger lands on his chest.
“I was your girlfriend, Spencer. Were you that determined to keep me out? Was the thought of seeing me really so unbearable? Do you even understand how hard it was to sit at home, knowing you were locked up, feeling completely helpless? Do you have any idea how much I hated myself day after day because I couldn’t do anything to help you?”
Your lips quiver. You feel like your heart is about to leap out of your throat.
“I was out here, just… waiting. Wondering if you were okay, if they were treating you alright, if you even had someone to talk to. And meanwhile, she’s there, with you. Every single time, she’s the one who gets to be by your side.”
Your nail digs into the fabric of his shirt.
“So forgive me if I can’t just let that go. Because when it mattered, it felt like you didn’t want me to be there for you. And now… now I don’t even know if you need me the way you seem to need her.”
Your breathing turns shallow, each inhale catching in your chest. The tears you’ve been holding back are dangerously blurring your vision. You swallow the knot lodged in your throat.
“I need a minute.”
Without another word, you turn and walk out of the room, leaving him standing there in stunned silence. You slip back into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as you finally reach for the glass of water that’s been sitting there untouched. You take a sip, barely feeling the cool water on your lips, when you hear his footsteps behind you.
“You think I don’t want you in my life?” he demands. “You think I somehow need her more than I need you?”
You set the glass down. “What part of ‘I need a minute’ do you not understand?”
“You really expect me to wait quietly after you unloaded every doubt you’ve ever had about us?”
You life your chin up. “Yes, I do. I need space to think right now.”
“What more do you want to think about when you’ve already convinced yourself that I’m always going to fall short? Is it so hard to believe that you’re the one I want?”
“You want to know why it’s so damn hard to believe?” You turn towards him. “Because every time I try to let this go, there’s always something. A confession. That—that not-so-subtle look. And when those things happen, it reminds me that I’m not as close to you as she is. I’m fucking tired of feeling like I’m fighting for space in your life.”
“Do you think I want you to feel like that? Do you think I’d go through everything we’ve been through if you didn’t matter to me?”
“Then explain to me why I wasn’t on that list!” you cry out. “Explain to me why, in one of the hardest times of your life, you couldn’t make space for me?”
“Because I was trying to protect you!”
A heavy, dreadful silence falls between you. He takes a step back, his eyelids fluttering shut briefly, and when he opens them again, there’s a softness in his gaze that mirrors the gentleness now threading through his voice.
“I know it probably doesn’t make sense to you, and maybe it never will, but I couldn’t stand the idea of you seeing me like that. Living through it was hard enough, but having you there, seeing me so helpless… It would have crushed me. I didn’t want that to be your memory of me.”
His Adam’s apple dips as he swallows, a quick, almost anxious movement you’ve witnessed countless times.
“And when JJ came to see me,” he continues, “the way the inmates looked at her, the things they said after she left… it was disgusting. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—let that happen to you. I couldn’t live with thought of you being subjected to that because of me.”
You lower your head with a sigh. “I don’t care if they looked. I don’t care what they would’ve thought.”
“But I care,” he fires back, taking a step forward. “Because you mean more to me than anyone. All I wanted was to keep you safe, and maybe I didn't handle it right, maybe I made the wrong call... but it was only because I—" His voice drops into an even more gentle note. "Because I love you."
Your heart stumbles, an uneven beat that feels almost bruised, pounding hard against your ribs.
"I-I love you so much. More than I know how to put into words." The ache in your chest sharpens as his hands come up to cup your cheeks. "I don't like fighting with you. I hate it, actually. I hate seeing you look at me like this."
You also hate the way he’s looking at you. There’s a depth to his annoyingly pretty eyes that makes it impossible to hold up your defenses without feeling them crumble. You let your eyes flutter closed.
“Why don’t we… call it a night?” He suggests. “Let’s lie down. We don’t have to talk about this now.”
The blackness behind your eyelids does little to quiet your mind. Nor does his voice. Or his touch. Instead of offering peace, his presence throws every glance, every moment of tension from tonight into sharper relief.
You draw in a breath, trying to find some comfort in his palms against your cheeks. Yet, even this can’t smooth away the doubt that’s settled in. With a resigned sigh, you release the breath you’ve been holding along with the words that have been pressing at the back of your throat.
“You haven’t explained it to me.”
The shadows in his gaze seem to deepen when you open your eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve been going in circles, but you haven’t explained to me what happened tonight,” you say quietly. “Why did you look at her, Spencer?”
His thumb absently strokes your cheek in a way that feels more hesitant than reassuring.
“Be honest with me,” you press. “Was there a part of you, even the tiniest part, that still wanted something with her? Some small part of you that… wondered what it might be like?”
The silence between you presses in from all sides, broken only by the faint hum of the refrigerator and the distant, muffled ticking of a clock on the wall. It’s the kind of quiet that sharpens even the smallest sounds, yet his lack of response feels like the loudest thing of all.
You pull back from him with an incredulous laugh.
“Unbelievable.” The word barely makes it past your lips, then louder as you start to move, pacing the length of the apartment. “Unbelievable.”
“Wait,” he says, trailing after you, “I didn’t even say anything.”
You stop short by the couch and whip around to face him.
“You didn’t need to! You—you hesitated," you stammer, searching his face for any flicker of denial, but it’s there, plain as day, that split-second of doubt you caught. “That was already an answer.”
He inches closer. A hand closes in on you. “Please—”
You flinch, pulling back, and every muscle in your body tightens. “Don’t. Don’t touch me right now.”
His hand falls to his side. “Please… let me explain."
You watch his hand drop, fingers twitching like they’re not sure if they should retreat or reach out again, but he keeps them there, hovering in some invisible line you’ve drawn. He looks at you with those big, pleading eyes, and for a split second, you almost feel bad for him.
Almost.
A bitter sort of smile tugs at the corner of your mouth. "So now you want to explain?"
He takes that as permission, and his voice comes in low, almost cautious. "When I first started at the BAU, I had… maybe a crush. A passing thing, barely anything, really. But that was fourteen years ago.” His hand scrubs through his hair in a frustrated sweep. “Fourteen years."
Your brows pull into a frown. “Why am I only hearing about this now?”
“Because it was nothing,” he says, almost too quickly. “I was young, it didn’t matter. I didn’t think it was worth bringing up.”
“Oh, I get it now. All those old feelings came rushing back the night she confessed, didn’t they?”
He mirrors your frown, a visible line of tension etching itself between his brows as he protests, “It’s nothing like that.”
“Then what is it?” you press. “Because from where I’m standing, it looks a whole lot like you’re caught between us because some part of you is still hung up on what might’ve been with her."
He shifts uncomfortably, and you notice the muscles in his jaw clenching the moment his gaze falters, dipping away for just a heartbeat before he looks back at you.
“It’s not that I don’t know what I want,” he starts to explain. “I didn’t expect her to say those things, and, yes, it threw me off for a moment. But that doesn’t mean I’m looking back, or that I want her. I want you.”
You shake your head, feeling a tired sort of frustration settle over you, and walk over to the couch. The soft cushions give slightly beneath you as you sink down.
“If you really wanted me, this wouldn’t be happening. You wouldn’t have let her get into your head like that. And now, you expect to believe that none of it meant anything?”
He’s quick to follow, closing the distance in a few tense steps. “It’s not—” His hands flex open and close at his sides. “You’re acting like one single look tonight is enough to decide I’m not committed to you. Do you really think I’d let some confession I didn’t even ask for get in the way of what we have?”
“It’s not just about that single look. It’s the way she could say something and suddenly, you’re pulled back to something you swore you’d put behind you. How am I supposed to feel secure when she still has that power over you?”
“And what am I supposed to do, then? Apologize for things I don’t even feel anymore?”
You flinch at the sharpness in his voice. A low, frustrated noise rumbles in his chest when you don’t respond.
“You’re always going to question me no matter what I say, aren’t you?"
You glance over at him, catching the disheveled strands of hair falling over his forehead, and it pulls you back to that night he came home after that dreadful night. He’d walked in looking worn in a way you’d never seen before, his whole posture weighted down as if he was carrying more than just the fear of being held hostage.
You remember sitting with him on this same couch, fingers brushing his, and asking what was bothering him.
JJ said she loved me.
Your heart lurched, a quick, quiet ache that you tried to swallow down. Really?
Don’t worry. It’s not true.
But with that same haunted look in his eyes right now, you can’t help but wonder if it really was just a well-intentioned lie.
“One glance and you’re accusing me of things that are never going to happen,” he starts again. “Do you really think so little of me? After everything we’ve shared, you really think I’d betray you like that?”
In true honesty, you don’t believe he would ever cross that line. But the doubts still linger, fed by those small hesitations, the moments when his eyes seem somewhere else. It’s not that you think he’d betray you. It’s that a part of him might still be holding onto something he won’t let you see.
“It’s like you don’t know me at all.”
Now those words you might actually believe.
“Maybe I don’t,” you say quietly, eyes drifting to the ring on your finger. You twist it absently, remembering the night he proposed. How he’d stumbled over his words, his cheeks flushing as he tried to make the moment perfect but ended up rambling in that endearing, nervous way of his. You’d laughed, reassured him that it was exactly right, that you didn’t need grand gestures. All you needed was him.
And yet, you don’t think he needs you as much you need him.
A hollow ache settles around your hand as you slip the ring off.
“What are you doing?”
You stare down at the gold band in your palm, blinking back the sting of tears.
“Tell me what you’re doing.”
Panic. Desperation. There’s a sudden rush of melancholy in his voice, a heaviness that wasn’t there a moment ago.
You swallow the lump in your throat. “I don’t know,” you whisper. “I—I don’t know anything right now.”
His face crumples, and in a sudden, almost instinctive movement, he drops down to his knees.
“No, no, you do know me. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. Isn’t this—” he stops, then dips his head, trying to catch your gaze. “Isn’t that what couples do? They argue, they mess things up… but they work through it, right? Right?”
You look down, feeling the cool weight of the ring pressing into your skin.
“Spencer…” you begin. “I trust you. I do, and I’m sorry if I made it seem like I didn’t. But… I need to feel secure. I… I need to know that I don’t have to wonder or worry about where I stand. I never thought you’d be the one to make me doubt that.”
There’s a sharp ache in your chest.
“I didn’t think it could hurt this much. Not from you.”
Your pulse ring in your ear.
“I can’t—” The words catch in your throat, a stinging burn rising as you force them out. “I can’t be your wife when I’m constantly questioning if I have all of you. When I feel like… there’s always a part of you that isn’t mine.”
“I’m yours, honey. I’m always yours.”
“I wish I could believe that.”
There’s a slight falter in his voice. “Don’t—please don’t do this—”
“I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t hurt.”
He falls silent, and for a moment, the only sound is the rough, uneven rhythm of both your breaths filling the space between you. Then, like something inside him finally cracks open, he sinks down, pressing his forehead against your lap. The sudden weight of him forces a broken sob from your throat.
“Please,” he begs, fingers clutching at your sides. His chin presses deep into your thigh. “Tell me how to fix this. I can’t— I can’t lose you.”
“Spence…”
“I love you,” he blurts out, the words tumbling from him in a rush. “I love you.”
But what is love, really? Is it just a word people reach for when they’ve run out of things to say, a way to patch over bruised hearts and broken promises? Or should it feel like something more solid, something that doesn’t leave you questioning or aching? You can’t even tell anymore.
You wonder, too, if maybe you’ve been wrong all along. If this feeling in your chest isn’t love but something dressed up as it, something that fills the gaps while slowly hollowing you out. Because here you are, clinging to a love that somehow makes you feel like you’re both needed and unseen. Everything and nothing all at once.
You feel like a fool.
“I want to go to bed.”
His head lifts from your lap, a flash of surprise darting across his face, as though he hadn’t expected you to say anything at all, let alone that. “Yeah, okay, let’s go to bed. We’ll… we’ll figure this out in the morning.”
“I’d rather be alone.”
The words hit him visibly. His mouth opens, an argument forming there, but he catches himself, letting the silence stretch before he nods slowly.
“Then… I’ll stay out here. On the couch,” he offers softly. “Just… in case you need anything.”
A pang cuts through you at the thought of him stretched out on the couch, his legs too long, his shoulders folded in to fit the cramped space. But the idea of sharing a bed right now feels impossible.
You reach down, holding out the ring towards him.
“No,” he says firmly, gently pushing your hand away. “Don’t do that. This… it doesn’t mean we’re giving up. It just means we need time. That’s all.”
You’re not sure if your mind will change in the morning. The ring presses into your skin, but finally, you close your hand around it, nodding faintly before you peel away from him.
The tears start the moment the bedroom door clicks shut behind you. It spills over in a jagged, helpless cry that sounds nothing like you imagined heartbreak might sound. It’s messy, a kind of aching grief that feels too big for your chest, clawing its way out with no grace at all. You can practically hear how pathetic you sound, and yet you can’t seem to stop.
Even when the hem of your dress trails across the floor. Even when you finally collapse onto his side of the bed. There’s no stopping you. With the ring sitting cold in your hand, your tears keep coming, soaking into the pillow as you cling to the last trace of him woven into the sheets.
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid angst#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x female reader#spencer reid fem!reader#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fanfiction#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds x reader#angst#angst with no happy ending
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LOVE - LOCKED | FC43
an: this is based off of this request and i hope you like it bc i had sm fun writing a romantic slightly angsty thing i cant wait to hear what y'all thin, i also think it may be slightly rushed tho so lol ALSO LOL WE'RE GONNA PRETEND CARLOS IS YOUNGER IN THIS BC I NEEDED HER TO BE HIS OLDER SISTER
summary: carlos' sister has lived her life completely separated from him and their family name, instead she went and made a name for herself in the tennis world - she likes her life like that. that is until she meets franco colapinto
wc: 8.7k
The roar of engines, even from a distance, unsettled her.
They reminded her of the long days her father and brother spent in garages, the low rumble of motors and sharp tang of fuel in the air. Those were the hours she’d spend alone, working on her serve in the empty court across town, each hit ricocheting off the walls with a hollow, lonely echo. Her own choice, of course. She’d had no interest in the world of carbon fibre and grease, no desire to be the girl who simply tagged along, her name always in her brother’s shadow.
Now, years later, she’d become someone entirely on her own terms. A name people knew on its own — Vázquez de Castro — a name that meant something outside of her family, outside of her brother’s fame.
She slipped her phone into her bag and looked around the chaotic pit lane. Journalists, engineers, teams in matching shirts, faces alight with anticipation for the weekend's race. She knew she’d stand out here; her face might be familiar, but she was a stranger in this world.
The hum of voices around her faded as she felt his gaze. She’d been hoping to move through unnoticed, just a face in a sea of faces, but there he was: tall, familiar, unmistakably Carlos. His brow furrowed in surprise as he caught sight of her, his quick steps carrying him closer before she had a chance to dodge. She braced herself, turning to him with a calm that she didn’t quite feel.
“No aquí,” she murmured, her voice low, hoping that would be enough to keep curious ears at bay.
He paused, just a moment, his expression softening in understanding, and he tilted his head, his face somewhere between a grin and a frown. “You came.”
It wasn’t an accusation exactly — more surprise than anything. But she couldn’t miss the faint hope in his eyes, as if he thought she might be here to see him, to share a piece of his world after all this time. She let his words linger for a beat before she replied, her tone steady.
“I was invited,” she said, giving a slight shrug, “by Fernando.” She gestured vaguely in the direction of the green and silver canopy, keeping her tone casual, but she saw his shoulders fall ever so slightly.
He nodded, glancing away for a moment, his jaw set. “Right. Fernando.”
There was something she wanted to say, something to soften the look in his eyes, but the pit lane was crowded, the eyes and cameras trained on every inch of the paddock sharper than she’d ever expected. They’d notice anything. And the last thing she wanted was for the papers to start spinning stories, putting her under a headline right next to him.
She touched his arm briefly. “Te hablo en el hotel. I’ll speak to you at the hotel.”
As she made her way toward the exit, ready to slip back into the background and disappear, she heard a voice calling out just over the rumble of engines and chatter.
“¡La princesa española!”
The words were unmistakable, lilting and clear, even with the crowd and machinery all around. The Spanish Princess. The nickname made her falter. It was something she sometimes heard on the tennis courts in Madrid or whispered by fans in distant cities when she played in international tournaments. But here? She scanned the area, puzzled at who would recognise her in this world of racing.
When she turned, her eyes met those of someone unfamiliar yet striking. He was tall, with an easy, disarming smile, his race suit gleaming with the bright, bold colours of his team’s livery. He looked young, not much older than she was, but he carried himself with that unmistakable energy she’d seen in rising stars before. The rookie, she realised, though she hadn’t kept up enough to know his name.
He held her gaze a moment too long, that same smile lingering as he approached, his eyes sparking with something between amusement and curiosity. She felt herself tense, almost involuntarily, her instinct telling her to slip away, to avoid whatever came next.
“Es realmente la princesa española,” he said, his tone playful yet certain.
Then it hit her.
Franco.
That was his name.
Franco’s grin widened as he closed the distance between them, his eyes bright with an almost boyish enthusiasm. “Soy un gran admirador de tu trabajo,” he said, his Argentine accent softening his words. “I’ve watched almost all your matches — I love the way you play.”
She blinked, taken aback. This wasn’t the usual kind of recognition she got, especially not here. She could count on one hand how many times she’d been recognised in public. She looked at him, trying to reconcile this confident young driver with the earnest fan in front of her.
“¿Me conoces?” The question slipped out before she could think, her voice tinged with disbelief.
He raised an eyebrow, his smile never faltering. “¿Quién no te conoce?” he replied, with a touch of humour. “La princesa española, queen of the clay court, unstoppable backhand — yeah, I know you.”
There was something genuine in his tone, something that set him apart from the usual strangers who said they knew her.
And before she could stop herself, she found herself almost smiling. She cleared her throat, searching for a response, but her mind was blank. What could she say? That she knew nothing of him, or any of these people — that she had only set foot here today by chance?
She settled for a simple, “Gracias.”
Franco’s curiosity didn’t waver. He leaned in slightly, folding his arms with an amused glint in his eyes. “So, what brings la princesa española to the F1 paddock?”
She shrugged lightly, careful not to reveal too much. “I’m here as one of Fernando Alonso’s guests. Aston Martin.” She left it at that, hoping he wouldn’t dig further. Noticing that she looked a bit like another driver on the paddock. Thankfully, he didn’t.
His grin only grew wider, and she had the feeling that her mystery intrigued him. “Well then, if you’re one of Fernando’s guests, that means you’re not tied to my team,” he said with a glint of mischief. “Come with me — I’ll give you a tour of my garage. It’ll be like… a private tour.”
She hesitated, her gaze shifting back toward the exit, where she’d planned to slip out and leave all of this behind. If she went with him, there was a chance people would recognise her, start to connect her with her brother’s world. She’d spent her whole career carefully avoiding this — the headlines, the whispers, the inevitable questions about why she’d chosen such a different path. But the look on his face, that open, boyish enthusiasm, was hard to resist.
She let out a sigh, then looked up at him with a sudden, defiant glimmer in her eye. “Screw it. ¿Por qué no?”
His whole face lit up. She could practically see the excitement radiating off him as he extended his hand, his confidence a little too easy, a little too certain. She eyed his hand for a moment before raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms.
“Modales,” she chided, her tone playful. “I’ve known you for five minutes. We’re not dating.”
“Yet,” he replied without missing a beat, a spark in his eyes.
Despite herself, she smiled, a real one, something she hadn’t felt since stepping into the paddock that day.
He led her through the bustling paddock with an easy confidence, weaving between crew members, equipment, and cameras as if none of it could touch him. She was impressed, though she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of saying so. The chaos of the pit lane, the narrow spaces and the clang of metal, all seemed to bend around him.
When they reached his team’s garage, he stopped by a young assistant stationed just outside, who looked at them with curious eyes.
“Do me a favour,” he said, barely containing his grin, “and grab a VIP lanyard for Williams’ guests, will you?”
The assistant glanced at her, his eyes widening slightly in recognition before he nodded and ducked away, returning a moment later with a crisp, team-branded lanyard. Franco took it with a pleased smile, then held out his hand for hers. She unclipped the Aston Martin lanyard from her neck and handed it over, watching with a mix of surprise and amusement as he replaced it with the one from his own team.
“There,” he said, adjusting the lanyard’s position with exaggerated care. “Now you’re officially part of the team.”
She couldn’t hold back her smirk. “You know, I don’t think lanyards change allegiances so easily.”
“Maybe not. But I do think it’s an improvement.” He winked, stepping back to admire his handiwork. “Besides, the only lanyard you should be wearing here is mine.”
She laughed, caught off guard by his unfiltered charm, as he held out his arm with an exaggerated flourish. “And now, mi princesa, a grand tour.”
He led her into the garage, his tone switching between informative and teasing as he explained the various stations. “Over here, we have the engineering bay — where the magic of data happens.” He gestured toward a row of monitors displaying endless streams of numbers. “And these guys in the corner? They’re the wizards of aerodynamics. Make a mess, they won’t let you forget it.”
As they moved through each section, he offered her a glimpse into the world of F1, his energy and excitement almost contagious. She watched him with quiet intrigue; he seemed to belong here completely, as if he thrived in the chaos and intensity of it all.
“Now, over here,” he continued, leaning a bit closer to her as they approached a sleek wall of tires and tools, “this is where I go for my pre-race pep talks. I think it helps the tires, too.”
She arched an eyebrow. “You talk to the tires?”
“Only on occasion,” he said with a mock-serious nod. “And they listen. Or at least, I hope they do.” He grinned again, that glimmer of mischief in his eyes. “Besides, they never talk back.”
She couldn’t help but roll her eyes, but there was a smile in it, one she couldn’t quite suppress. He was disarming, funny in a way that felt refreshingly different from the sharp, serious world she’d known. He noticed the hint of a smile and held her gaze, leaning in just slightly.
Before she could say anything else, Franco led her deeper into the garage, weaving through the maze of tools, car parts, and engineers, who looked up now and then with curious glances. She followed, intrigued despite herself, and finally, unable to keep silent, asked, “Where are we going?”
“You’ll see,” he said, shooting her a look over his shoulder that was both charming and infuriatingly vague.
He stopped in front of a nondescript door tucked away from the bustle of the main garage. She glanced around, realising they were in the private part of the team’s area. He opened the door to his driver room, gesturing for her to step inside. The room was small but comfortable, filled with team memorabilia, spare racing gloves, and a neat rack of team-branded clothes. Before she could take it all in, he went over to a stack of neatly folded shirts and pulled one from the pile.
He turned back to her, holding up the shirt with a proud smile. “Here,” he said, offering it to her. “Wear this tomorrow.”
She raised an eyebrow, glancing between him and the shirt with mock scepticism. “Bold of you to assume I’d wear your merch.”
His grin only widened. “I think you’d look great in it,” he said, undeterred. “Besides, it’d be an honour to have la princesa española in my colours.”
She took the shirt, running her fingers over the soft fabric, and met his gaze with a slight smirk. “I’ll think about it.”
“Good enough for me,” he replied, his eyes glinting with satisfaction. He looked like he wanted to say more, but just then, his phone buzzed on the nearby table, and he glanced at it with a slight frown before pocketing it again.
“So,” he continued, his tone shifting to something a little more casual, “what are you doing for dinner?”
The question surprised her. She hadn’t planned on lingering much longer after her brother’s race prep finished. She hadn’t planned on any of this, really. But he was watching her expectantly, and for a moment, she let herself consider it.
“Dinner?” she repeated, raising an eyebrow in mock suspicion. “You’re not very subtle, are you?”
“Not at all,” he admitted with a grin. “What do you say? Let me take you out. I promise I’m as good at picking places to eat as I am at tours.”
She couldn’t resist a small laugh. “Alright,” she said, glancing up at him with an easy smile. “I’ll see you for dinner.”
He opened his mouth to say something more, but just then, a voice called out from down the hallway. “Franco man, we’ve been looking all around for you!” A team manager appeared in the doorway, looking equal parts exasperated and amused.
Franco sighed, flashing her an apologetic look as he straightened. “Duty calls,” he muttered with a smirk. He lingered a moment, as if reluctant to leave, then glanced back at her with a warm smile.
“I’ll leave you to it,” she said, feeling a thrill she hadn’t expected. “See you tonight.”
He nodded, his grin returning full force, then turned to follow the manager out, giving her a final, backward glance that lingered just a second too long.
Back in her hotel room, she brushed a final touch of mascara over her lashes and glanced at her phone, where a text from Franco glowed on the screen.
Franco: “Ready whenever you are. No rush. See you soon :)”
She couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at her lips. Tonight felt surprisingly… normal. Like she was just someone getting ready for a date, no stakes attached. She straightened her dress, checked her reflection, and took a steadying breath.
A soft knock at her door snapped her from her thoughts, and she felt a small flutter of excitement, assuming it was him. But when she opened the door, her breath caught.
Her brother stood there, his expression a mixture of confusion and something she couldn’t quite read. She masked her surprise quickly, stepping aside to let him in, though her voice was firm. “I can talk for a bit, but I have plans tonight.”
“With Franco?” he asked, eyebrows raised.
She narrowed her eyes slightly, caught off guard. “How did you know?”
He gave a soft, humourless laugh, crossing his arms. “I saw you two in the paddock,” he said. “And I overheard him talking about it in the garage. Apparently, he couldn’t stop telling anyone who’d listen about his ‘date with la princesa de España.’” He looked at her, and his voice softened. “So why is it you have no problem being seen with him, but not with your own brother?”
His question hung heavily in the air, the familiar tension between them settling back into place. She took a breath, struggling for the right words. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be seen with him — it was the weight of everything that came with it. The press, the fans, the inevitable comparisons. She could already see the headlines if they were spotted together, her name placed directly beside his, stripping away the hard-won independence she’d fought for.
She sighed, glancing at him. “It’s not… about you,” she said carefully. “It’s just… everything that comes with it. You know how it is.”
He shook his head, looking slightly hurt. “I don’t know, actually. I’ve always thought we were supposed to be in this together. But I feel like… I don’t know, like you’re just trying to run from anything that connects us.”
She sighed, leaning against the doorframe, her voice dropping to something softer, more serious. “It’s not that I don’t want to be seen with you,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “I just don’t want to be known as Carlos’ sister everywhere I go. I’ve worked hard to build my own name, my own career, and sometimes… being around you, it overshadows that.”
Her brother studied her, his face a mix of understanding and something else, a flash of protective instinct. “You know, if you date Franco, you’ll just end up being known as his girlfriend,” he said, raising an eyebrow.
She let out a soft laugh, shaking her head. “It’s just a date, Carlos. Nothing more.”
He shrugged, his mouth quirking in a small smile. “Yeah, well, with him, nothing ever stays ‘just’ anything. Just saying.”
She rolled her eyes, but there was a warmth behind it. “Thanks for the concern, but I’ll be fine.”
They shared a quiet moment of understanding before she gently nudged him toward the door. “Go get some rest. And good luck tomorrow. I’ll be cheering from the sidelines.”
The evening was soft and cool, the sky painted in shades of violet and indigo as the city stretched out below them. The balcony they’d stepped onto was tucked away from the bustling noise of the hotel, private and intimate, offering only the sounds of the night breeze and the occasional far-off hum of the city.
Franco had arranged it all—quiet, serene, away from prying eyes. The dinner was simple but elegant: a few delicate dishes of fresh seafood, wine that wasn’t too heavy, just enough to let the conversation flow freely. It was just the two of them, and she realised as she stood there, her hand brushing the railing, how rare that felt.
She’d worn a dress that was understated, yet elegant—a deep midnight blue that mirrored the evening sky, the fabric light enough to catch the breeze. She hadn’t given it much thought; it wasn’t for anyone but herself. But when Franco first saw her, the look in his eyes told her that, maybe, it had been the right choice after all.
His gaze lifted from the table where he had been adjusting the wine glasses, and the moment he saw her, the words spilled out before he could even stop them.
“Dios mío, qué hermosa estás.” His voice was low, his gaze sweeping over her with a mixture of surprise and admiration.
She felt her cheeks flush, the compliment unexpected but not unwelcome. She had been nervous about the evening, unsure of what this was or what it would become. But his words, simple and sincere, relaxed something inside her.
“Gracias,” she replied with a small smile, feeling the warmth in her chest spread, her eyes meeting his.
He stood up, taking a small step toward her as if to take in the full picture, his gaze never leaving her face. “I swear,” he continued, his voice filled with genuine awe, “I didn’t think it was possible, but you’re even more stunning than earlier. It's like... you're glowing.”
She laughed softly, shaking her head. “I think you’re just being kind.”
“No,” he said firmly, shaking his head as he closed the distance between them. “I’m not the kind of guy to throw compliments around just to be polite. Te ves increíble, you look incredible.”
After a decent amount of eating, a stretched out silence, Franco spoke up. “So,” he began, his voice casual but warm, “what’s it like to be the la princesa española outside of tennis?”
She raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of her wine. “I don’t really think of myself as that,” she said lightly. “It’s just a nickname.”
“I don’t know,” he teased. “I think it suits you. You have a... regal air about you.” His eyes glinted with mischief as he added, “I’m sure you’d never get away with being late for anything. Everyone would just wait for the princess to show up.”
She rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless. “You really are persistent with those compliments, aren’t you?”
“Solo con la verdad,” he said with a grin, leaning back in his chair, clearly pleased with himself.
The evening unfolded easily after that. They spoke about everything and nothing: about their childhoods, what had brought them to this point in their careers, how it felt to always be in the spotlight. She told him stories from her tennis matches, and he shared wild tales of racing, of the constant pressure and adrenaline.
But it was the quieter moments, the small pauses between their words, that felt the most significant. When he leaned in to pass her the bottle of wine, their hands brushed, and the air seemed to thicken for a moment. His gaze lingered a bit longer than it needed to, and she noticed the subtle way his smile softened when their eyes met. She wasn’t used to this — this ease, this comfort that felt so unforced — but it was exactly what she hadn’t realised she’d been searching for.
“You know,” Franco said, his tone thoughtful, “I can’t remember the last time I had a night like this. Just—” He waved his hand toward the view, the quiet that surrounded them. “It’s nice. To not be rushing off to something. No cameras, no expectations.”
She looked out over the balcony at the skyline, the city lights twinkling in the distance. “I know what you mean. There’s always so much noise, so many people trying to pull you in different directions. It’s rare to just… be.” She turned to look at him, her voice lowering slightly. “It’s a little surreal, actually.”
His gaze softened, and for a moment, there was a silence between them that felt like a shared understanding. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table as he looked at her, his expression genuine. “I’m glad you’re here with me tonight. I’m glad I got to spend this time with you.”
Her heart did a little flip at the sincerity in his voice. She wasn’t sure what she had expected from the evening, but this — this felt right.
“So,” he continued, his voice lightening again, “any chance I can convince you to wear my team’s shirt tomorrow?”
She laughed, shaking her head. “You’re relentless, aren’t you?”
“I am,” he said with a wink, “but only because I know you’d look amazing in it.”
She rolled her eyes but could feel the warmth in her chest spread. “I’ll think about it,” she teased, mirroring his playful tone.
The conversation drifted back to lighter topics, the evening unfolding with ease as the world seemed to blur around them. As the night deepened, they shared stories, laughter, and quiet glances that spoke volumes. It wasn’t the fireworks, the grand gestures of a first date. But it was something else — something that felt like a beginning.
When the last of the wine was finished, and the candles flickered low, Franco stood, offering her a hand to help her to her feet. He didn’t say anything at first, but his eyes told her everything. His fingers brushed against hers, and she didn’t pull away.
As the night grew later, the air around them cooled, and they moved to the edge of the balcony, gazing out over the city. The quiet was comforting, the soft hum of distant traffic the only sound breaking the stillness between them.
She let out a small sigh, her mind wandering, and with it, the weight of everything that had brought her to this moment. She looked up at him, caught in the calm but uncertain about what this night might mean.
"Well, this has been lovely," she said, her voice light but tinged with something else. "But, just so you know… this is probably going to be our only date."
His eyebrows furrowed, his smile faltering for just a fraction of a second. “Why?” he asked, his tone suddenly laced with concern. “Have I done something wrong?”
She met his gaze, her chest tight for reasons she couldn’t quite place. There was no logical reason for her to feel that way — he had been nothing but kind, charming, and genuine all night. But there was still that lingering sense of hesitation, a wall she wasn’t sure she could bring herself to tear down.
“No,” she said quickly, shaking her head as if to reassure him. “You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just… I don’t know if I can do this.”
He looked at her for a long moment, studying her face. The playful glint in his eyes dimmed, replaced by something softer, something quieter, as if he were trying to understand her better.
“I’m not really a person who runs from things," she said, her voice lowering slightly, unsure how to put her thoughts into words. “But there are parts of my life I’m... careful about. I can’t help but keep them to myself.”
She hesitated, feeling a strange tug in her chest. For the first time in what felt like forever, she found herself wanting to share something personal, something she had hidden away. She took a breath and let it slip out before she could second-guess herself.
“I have a brother,” she began, looking out at the city below them, trying to steady her voice. “He’s a Formula 1 driver.”
Franco froze, his brows knitting together in confusion. “Wait... what?”
She glanced at him, a slight laugh escaping her lips at the look of genuine surprise on his face. “Yeah,” she said with a sigh. “Carlos.”
He blinked, his surprise turning into a quiet sense of disbelief. “Carlos Sainz?” He repeated her brother’s name, almost as if he were trying to process it. “I had no idea…”
She looked at him, a slight sadness settling in her chest. “Most people don’t,” she said, her voice quiet now. “I never tell anyone. I’ve worked my entire life to be known for me—for what I do, not because of who I’m related to. I don’t want to live in someone’s shadow.”
Franco didn’t say anything at first, letting the silence stretch out between them. He was thinking, she could tell. It was as though he were weighing her words, weighing the tension in her tone. Then, slowly, he spoke, his voice steady but sincere.
“With me, you wouldn't,” he said, his gaze meeting hers with an intensity that took her by surprise. “You wouldn’t be in anyone’s shadow. Not if you didn’t want to be.”
She was quiet for a long moment, his words sinking in. Part of her wanted to dismiss it, wanted to keep pushing away the idea of anyone in her life stepping into that shadow. But there was something in his eyes—something honest and unwavering—that made her hesitate. He wasn’t offering her fame or status. He was offering her something far simpler. The space to be herself.
Then, he said something that made her heart skip a beat.
“I’ll be your WAG,” he said, his voice surprisingly matter-of-fact, his smile just a little crooked.
She laughed, a quick, startled sound. “What?” she teased, shaking her head. “Are you serious? ‘WAG’—really?”
He leaned in slightly, the smile still on his face but his eyes unflinching. “En serio. I’m serious.” he added with a little more emphasis, the words flowing naturally from him.
Her laughter died down, replaced by a brief, curious silence. She was still processing his words, still trying to understand how it had escalated from a simple dinner to this.
“You’re joking,” she said softly, unsure whether to laugh or take him seriously.
“No,” he7 replied, his voice now calm, almost earnest. “I’m not. Look, I get it. The whole ‘WAG’ thing... it sounds ridiculous, I know. But the way I see it, we’d be a team. You’d have my back, and I’d have yours. No shadows, no expectations, just us. What we make of it.”
She took a step back, crossing her arms as she considered what he was saying. The idea of it felt foreign, a little intimidating, but something about it also felt right in a way she hadn’t expected. No grand gestures, no drama. Just… us, as he’d said.
“Don’t you think I’d look good in a sponsored Channel crop top?” he joked, and the thought of it made her laugh.
Before she could stop it, however, her mind flashed to her brother, to the years of keeping her life private, to the way she had fought so hard to remain in the background of her family’s legacy. And yet here was Franco, offering something different. He wasn’t asking her to be a part of his world—he was offering her a partnership, an equal footing.
For the first time that evening, she allowed herself to truly think about what that might mean. To be seen, not as someone’s sister or someone’s girlfriend, but just as herself.
“Maybe... maybe it’s not such a bad idea,” she said quietly, her voice uncertain but filled with a growing sense of possibility.
Franco looked at her, a quiet confidence in his eyes. “Entonces, we’ll figure it out together. No shadows. Just us.”
“Just us.”
“You better wear my shirt tomorrow,” he said, his voice teasing but hopeful.
She smirked, folding her arms across her chest as she looked at him. “I’ll think about it.”
He raised an eyebrow, leaning slightly closer. “You better. I’ll be watching.”
She laughed, shaking her head at his persistence. “We’ll see.”
The next morning arrived with the usual rush, the anticipation of race day filling the air. She woke up to a sunlit room and a few messages on her phone, the familiar bustle of the paddock already beginning to take shape outside her window. As she moved around the room, preparing for the day ahead, her mind wandered back to the previous evening.
She stood in front of the mirror, brushing her hair back into a sleek ponytail, glancing over her outfit choices. She’d packed a nice pair of fitted trousers and a smart blouse for the day. But then, as she opened her suitcase to grab something, she saw it—the shirt.
It was sitting on top of her suitcase, folded neatly, the soft fabric of his team’s shirt catching the light. The sight of it made her pause. She could feel a flutter of uncertainty in her chest as she stared at the shirt. It wasn’t like her to let herself be swayed by someone else’s request. But something about Franco, about the way he’d looked at her, made her reconsider.
She bit her lip, considering her options. The shirt was casual, simple, but it also felt like a statement. She could wear it for him, just this once, maybe just to see how it felt. There was no harm in that, right?
She grabbed the shirt, examining it for a moment. It was an understated design—his team’s logo in the corner, a soft fabric, nothing too flashy. It wasn’t the sort of thing she would normally wear, but for some reason, she felt drawn to it. And then it hit her—maybe it wasn’t about the shirt at all. It was about the confidence to wear it, to stand beside him and let the world see her as she was, without hesitation.
She had a moment of inspiration.
Instead of simply slipping it on with jeans like she’d imagined, she decided to give it a bit of a twist. She styled it with an oversized blazer, the sleeves rolled up just enough to show off the shirt underneath, and a pair of high-waisted pants. The look was effortlessly cool, edgy, but still very much her. She paired it with a pair of sleek, minimalist sneakers, and, just before she finished, added a bold red lip to complete the ensemble.
When she looked in the mirror, she felt a sense of pride. It was a simple shirt, yes, but it was her way of wearing it. And somehow, it made her feel like she was making her own mark, not hiding behind anyone else’s expectations.
She grabbed her phone, checking the time, then sent Franco a quick message.
“I thought about it. I’ll wear the shirt. But only because it goes with my outfit.”
She added a playful winking emoji before hitting send, knowing that he’d appreciate the humour in it.
The morning was just beginning to pick up its pace as she finished getting ready. The weight of the day’s events, the race, the energy of the paddock, all began to settle in. But for the first time in a while, she felt a small sense of excitement, an eagerness she hadn’t expected. It wasn’t about the race itself, but about the people she was meeting, the connections she was making, and—perhaps most unexpectedly—what might lie ahead with Franco.
She was just about to head out of her hotel room when there was a knock on the door. She knew that knock—steady and familiar. Taking a deep breath, she opened it to find her brother standing there, his usual calm exterior softened by a quiet intensity in his gaze.
“Can we talk?” he asked, his voice low, his eyes searching hers.
She nodded, stepping back to let him in. She could tell he was a bit surprised when he saw the shirt she was wearing—the shirt of a rival team. He glanced at it, one brow raised slightly, but he didn’t comment, just closed the door behind him and leaned against the wall.
He took a deep breath, as if he’d been building up to this. “Are you… thinking of seeing him again?”
There was something tentative in the way he asked, a kind of brotherly concern that she hadn’t seen in a long time. She shrugged, trying to keep her tone casual. “Maybe. I’m considering it.”
He nodded slowly, looking away for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Then, almost hesitantly, he said, “Why are you okay with being seen with him, and not with me?”
The question landed heavily between them, and for a moment, she didn’t know how to answer. She looked at him, seeing the vulnerability in his expression, the unspoken hurt in his eyes. It was rare for him to open up like this, to say exactly what was on his mind. She let out a long breath, searching for the right words.
“It’s different,” she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Different how?” he pressed, his tone gentle but persistent.
She met his gaze, feeling a lump rise in her throat. She hadn’t realised just how much this division had affected them both, how much it lingered in moments like these. “I never felt like I was a part of your world,” she admitted, her voice trembling slightly. “It wasn’t just about you. It was Dad, too. He… he made it clear that I wasn’t cut out to be a part of it. I wasn’t… enough. Not like you.”
He looked at her, the quiet hurt in his eyes turning into something deeper, something sadder. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
She gave him a small, sad smile. “How could you? You were busy making him proud. And you were great at it. I always saw how he looked at you, how proud he was of everything you were doing. He saw you as this… continuation of him, of his legacy. But me… I was never part of that.”
He shook his head, running a hand through his hair as he processed her words. “I never wanted it to be that way. I thought you just didn’t care about what we were doing. I thought you were happy doing your own thing.”
“I am,” she said, and she meant it. “Tennis is my world; it’s where I feel strong, where I feel like I belong. But… it didn’t come without sacrifices. I grew up watching you and Dad bond over racing, and it was like there was this door between us that was shut for good. I could watch, but I couldn’t be a part of it.”
There was a long pause, her brother absorbing her words, the weight of years of misunderstanding settling between them.
“I wish I’d known,” he said finally, his voice soft, tinged with regret. “I thought… I thought you didn’t want to be a part of it. I thought it didn’t matter to you if Dad and I had that bond. But I get it now. I see what it must’ve felt like, standing on the outside.”
They stood in silence for a moment, the weight of unspoken years filling the space between them. And then he added, “You know, you don’t have to keep yourself hidden to be in my life, right? I get it now. But it doesn’t have to be like that.”
Her throat tightened, a wave of unexpected emotion rising within her. She’d spent so long feeling like an outsider in her own family, so sure that her brother had never noticed. But now, here he was, standing in front of her, wanting to bridge that gap.
“It’s hard to just undo it all,” she admitted. “Sometimes, it feels easier to just… stay on my own path. To keep these things separate.”
He nodded, understanding. “But if you’re thinking of seeing Franco… letting yourself be part of his world… doesn’t it mean you’re ready to be seen? To be yourself, even in places that are unfamiliar?”
She considered this, his words striking a chord deep within her. He wasn’t wrong. She’d spent so long hiding parts of herself, keeping herself separate to avoid comparison or judgement. But with Franco, she hadn’t felt the same need. For once, she had felt like she could be herself—no shadows, no expectations.
“I think… I just want to find something that’s mine,” she said finally. “A space where I’m not just ‘your sister,’ where I don’t have to carry someone else’s legacy.”
Her brother gave her a soft, understanding look. “You’ve already done that. You are more than just my sister. You’ve made a name for yourself that has nothing to do with anyone else. You’re not living in anyone’s shadow… but if you ever want to step into our world—my world—I’d like to be part of yours too. Just… let me be there for you, even if it’s only sometimes.”
She nodded, feeling a sense of warmth, a sense of connection that hadn’t been there before. Maybe there was room for both worlds, after all. For the first time, she felt like she didn’t have to choose.
“I’ll think about it,” she said softly, echoing her words from last night.
He smiled, a hint of relief in his eyes. “I hope you do.”
With that, he gave her a quick, reassuring squeeze on her shoulder, a wordless acknowledgment of the unspoken bond they shared. And as he left, she felt a sense of closure, a feeling that maybe, just maybe, she didn’t have to keep running from her family’s legacy to be seen as her own person. She could walk her own path, even if it sometimes crossed into theirs.
She arrived at the paddock a little while later, weaving her way through the bustle of race day, her heart beating a little faster than usual. Wearing Franco’s shirt under her blazer felt like a small, bold choice—one that had her both excited and slightly nervous. She walked through the crowd until she reached his team’s garage, where the energy was already crackling with anticipation.
As soon as she stepped in, Franco spotted her from across the garage. His face lit up the second he saw her, and he immediately started making his way toward her. When he was close enough, he lowered his voice and said in Spanish, a playful gleam in his eyes, “Wait here for just a second. Don’t move.”
Before she could respond, he turned and jogged back toward his driver’s room, leaving her standing in the middle of the garage, a little bewildered but smiling to herself. She watched as he disappeared into the room, curious about whatever he was planning. Within a moment, he was back, holding a bouquet of flowers—a mix of deep red roses and bright sunflowers, their colours vivid against the greys and metallics of the garage.
“For you,” he said, handing them over with a grin, his accent warm and lilting. His eyes softened as he added, “To celebrate your first race day as my guest.”
She took the bouquet, feeling a rush of warmth as she held the flowers. “You know, you didn’t have to do this,” she said, trying to hide the smile tugging at her lips. “I’m just here as… well, just as me.”
“And I think that’s worth celebrating,” he replied smoothly, his gaze locked on hers with unmistakable admiration. “Besides, you didn’t say no to the shirt, so I think I’m allowed a little celebration, no?”
She laughed, her cheeks warming as she looked down at the bouquet. “Alright, fine. You win. Thank you—they’re beautiful.”
Franco glanced around the garage, then leaned in slightly, dropping his voice to a playful murmur. “You know, you’re even more beautiful than I remember from last night. I thought maybe I was exaggerating, but… no. I wasn’t.”
She rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. “Careful, or I’ll start to think you’re trying to distract me from the race.”
“Maybe a little,” he admitted, chuckling. Then, as if struck by a sudden idea, he looked around the garage again and spotted one of his engineers nearby. Franco gestured to the man, who quickly nodded, understanding exactly what Franco was after.
The engineer handed him a headset, and Franco turned back to her, holding it up. “Here—so you can listen in and watch from inside the garage. You’ll get the best seat here.”
She blinked, surprised by the gesture. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. You’ll get to hear all the comms, see how it all works up close. Plus”—he leaned in, his voice low—“you’ll have an excuse to stay around here.”
She shook her head with a smirk, taking the headset from him. “Alright. But only because you’ve convinced me with flowers and shameless flattery.”
“Good,” he replied, his grin widening as he watched her settle the headset over her ears. “I’ll keep it coming if it means you stay.”
As the team began their pre-race preparations, Franco showed her the best spot to watch from, and he took a few moments to explain some of the technical details. She found herself captivated, not just by the race, but by the way he was so eager to share his world with her. His enthusiasm was infectious, and despite herself, she felt the thrill of race day in a way she hadn’t anticipated.
Before he had to step away to start his own warm-up routine, he gave her one last look, his gaze holding a touch of that familiar mischievous glint. “Enjoy the show, princesa. And don’t go falling in love with the cars now—they’re not as charming as I am.”
She laughed, giving him a playful shove. “No promises.”
Franco winked, backing away with a grin as he joined the other drivers and team members preparing for the race. She stayed in the garage, feeling the weight of the headset and bouquet in her hands, both of them symbols of the way her world had shifted in just a few days.
As she watched him walk away, his words echoing in her ears, she realised just how different today felt. For the first time, she wasn’t just watching as an outsider; she was here, part of the energy, sharing a moment in his world, just as he’d promised. And maybe—just maybe—she was finally ready to be a part of something new.
The race was intense, the roar of engines filling the air as she watched Franco’s car weave through the track, making his way up from P16 to P12, gaining positions one by one with determined precision. Her heart raced with every turn, every overtake. She’d never felt the thrill of Formula One from this close before, and she found herself completely absorbed, balancing her attention between the live race and the screens in the garage that tracked every driver’s progress.
And then, in the final laps, her eyes moved to another part of the screen—a familiar car that was in the lead. A red car. Her brother was out front, defending his position with expert skill, pushing with everything he had toward the finish line. She held her breath, fingers tightening around the edges of the headset as she watched the seconds count down. When he crossed the finish line in first place, a feeling she hadn’t expected washed over her—pride, pure and radiant, filled her chest. She found herself clapping, cheering, a bright smile spreading across her face.
Franco, having just finished his own race and done the mandatory weigh-in and debrief with his engineers, finally found her in the garage. He looked exhausted but happy, his face still flushed from the adrenaline of the race. When he walked over, he paused, noticing the way her eyes were glued to the screen as her brother celebrated his victory, lifting his fists in the air in triumph.
“You’re glowing,” Franco murmured, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he watched her reaction.
She blinked, glancing back at him and realising how giddy she must look. “I didn’t think… I didn’t think it would feel like this. I’m just… so happy for him.” Her voice was breathless, filled with a genuine joy she couldn’t hide.
He chuckled, reaching out to brush a strand of hair away from her face. “Then you should go to him. He’s probably waiting for you.”
She shook her head, hesitating, her gaze flickering back to the screen. “No, I couldn’t. I don’t… I don’t belong over there, with everyone. That’s his world.”
Franco tilted his head, giving her a knowing look. “Maybe that’s true most days. But today, you belong there just as much as anyone else. He’s your brother. Go celebrate with him. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
She bit her lip, uncertainty still holding her back. “I wouldn’t even know what to say.”
“Start with congratulations,” Franco said, flashing her a gentle, reassuring grin. “Trust me, it’ll be enough.”
He gestured toward the edge of the garage, where the barriers separated the track from the paddock. After a moment’s hesitation, she nodded, taking a shaky breath as he guided her forward. The crowd around them was roaring with excitement as her brother’s car was pulled into parc fermé, fans and teammates celebrating around him. She could feel her heart pounding, each step filling her with a mixture of anticipation and nervousness.
At the barrier, Franco gave her hand a quick squeeze. “Go on. I’ll be right here when you’re done.”
With that, he released her hand, and she took a step forward, catching sight of her brother through the haze of people and cameras. He was laughing, practically glowing as he embraced his team, still basking in the thrill of his victory. And then, as if sensing her, he turned and saw her standing there, just beyond the barrier.
His expression softened, and a smile broke across his face, one that was filled with surprise and unmistakable happiness. Without a moment’s hesitation, he made his way over, reaching out to pull her into a tight, heartfelt hug. She hugged him back, feeling the last remnants of the old distance between them dissolve as she held her brother close, finally sharing in his moment.
When they pulled apart, he looked at her, pride shining in his eyes. “You came,” he murmured, his voice filled with a quiet gratitude. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”
She laughed softly, tears threatening to sting her eyes. “I wouldn’t have missed it. I’m so proud of you.”
He grinned, leaning in to press a quick, brotherly kiss to her forehead. “Thank you. It means a lot that you’re here. Really.”
As the team around them cheered and the cameras continued to flash, she felt the enormity of the moment—a sense of belonging, not just as a tennis player, or his sister, but as herself.
She grinned at her brother, reaching up to ruffle his hair in a rare show of sibling affection. “Te quiero mucho, hermanito,” she said, her voice filled with warmth and pride. “I’m so proud of you, you know that?”
His smile softened, and he looked at her with a mixture of surprise and gratitude. “Te quiero también,” he replied, wrapping her in one last quick hug. “Thank you for being here. Really.”
The moment was brief but profound, a quiet reassurance that, despite the different worlds they had each chosen, they were still connected. He glanced back toward his team, who were waving him over for post-race celebrations and interviews.
“I have to go,” he said, releasing her. “But I’ll see you later?”
“Of course,” she replied, giving him a nod and a small wave as he returned to his crew. She watched him for a moment longer, feeling a sense of pride she hadn’t felt in years—one that was entirely unclouded by the complexities of the past. Then she turned and made her way back toward Franco’s garage, her heart still racing from the intense energy of the day.
When she found him, Franco was waiting near the garage entrance, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, a proud smile lighting up his face as he saw her approach.
“You did it,” he said softly, admiration in his eyes. “You finally let yourself be a part of all this.”
As she reached Franco, he turned to face her, his expression softening with a mixture of pride and relief as he took her hands in his. Her heart pounded, the intensity of the day lingering between them like a magnetic pull. She gazed up at him, her breath catching as she saw the warmth in his eyes—the genuine care and admiration there, as if he saw every part of her that she had worked so hard to keep separate.
Without a word, she stepped closer, her hand moving up to rest gently against his cheek. He tilted his head slightly, his gaze searching hers, as if waiting for her to close the last small gap between them. Finally, she leaned up, closing her eyes as her lips met his in a slow, lingering kiss.
The world around them seemed to dissolve, the roar of the crowd and bustle of the paddock fading as the kiss deepened. His hands moved to her waist, pulling her closer, his touch both steady and tender. She felt the warmth of him seep into her, grounding her in the moment, and she responded instinctively, fingers threading through his hair as he held her tighter. There was a gentleness in his touch, but an undeniable passion too, a desire that built slowly between them.
Time slipped away as they shared this unguarded moment, the boundaries she had set for herself crumbling with every heartbeat. She could feel the strength in his arms, the quiet reassurance he offered, and a warmth that sparked through her, as if he was silently promising that he would be there, no matter what.
When they finally broke apart, both of them were breathing a little harder, their foreheads touching as they lingered close, unwilling to step away. Franco’s thumb traced a gentle line along her jaw as he looked into her eyes, his gaze filled with an affection so deep that it nearly overwhelmed her. “I needed that push,” she murmured against his lips.
His arms came around her, but he laughed as he pulled back just enough to meet her eyes. “Come on,” he said with a teasing glint, “the cameras have probably caught enough kissing for one day.”
She chuckled, letting him lead her back toward the quiet of his garage, away from the noise and eyes of the crowd. For the first time, she felt an undeniable sense of belonging—not just to the world she had worked so hard to create for herself, but to this moment, with him, with her family. She’d finally allowed herself to be part of it all, and it felt right in a way she hadn’t expected.
the end.
#f1#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#williams#franco colapinto#franco colapinto x reader#franco colapinto x you#franco colapinto x yn#williams f1#williams racing#williams formula 1#f1 social media au#formula one x reader#f1 x reader#ann speaks#formula 1#franco colapinto imagine#franco colapinto fanfic
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okay so update: not feeling so great (tw: csa vent below cut/in tags)
sitting here thinking like how can i possibly explain to another person what happened to me when i was eleven. i don't know how to talk about the time i was roofied by someone i thought i could trust, woke up nude below the waist and bleeding and... messy, and how i didn't say anything, how i wasn't surprised, how my dad thought i was acting weird two weekends after that so he made me take a pregnancy test and wouldn't let me look at what it said but i could tell he wasn't happy, and how very shortly after i woke up bleeding so much & in so much pain i thought i was actually going to die. i kept throwing up, crying, biting my lip so i didn't scream, and i don't remember how i got to the bathroom - maybe he moved me there? but i laid on that bathroom floor for what felt like hours. i remember him helping me into the tub, still bleeding, sweating and crying and shaking, and he just tells me 'well that takes care of that, doesn't it?' while pulling my shirt over my head and tucking my hair behind my ear. he wasn't usually nice like that. i think i drifted in & out after that. i guess the remainder of the bleeding was probably easily disguised by the fact that i'd already gotten my first period.
i don't think i've ever. typed/written that out anywhere before.
how am i supposed to tell anyone about that?? like out loud. verbally. like. the one positive here is that i'm fairly certain the baby wouldn't have been my father's. but i know that baby would've. god okay. had siblings. because that man had kids of his own. a daughter and a son. a DAUGHTER. i can't help but think he must've been doing the same things to her.
like. no one wants to hear that! i know that! but goddamn it i don't know how much longer i can take carrying it by myself. i can't imagine ever telling someone about it but i suppose i'll have to. it's clearly weighing on me. it's just,, scary.
#i kind of believe it was for the best#theres no way i couldve carried a child to term. i was eleven. nobody knew abt what my father & those men were doing.#but at the same time its like... i miss my baby like a hollow echoing somewhere in me yk? like. i dont even. know where to start w that.#like. i miss what couldve been i guess but i know that it was never feasible to begin with#and i feel guilty that im glad. i dont think i couldve handled carrying one of my r*pists' child. i rlly dont.#i dunno. it just. rlly hurts and i dont really have anywhere to put that hurt#so i keep it in here and it eats away at me. but i cant tell my mom or grandma abt that. not right now#i def need to get back into counseling Soon lmao.#csa tw#tw csa vent#csa vent
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