#it feels like everything has ended
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my dog passed away today. she was at home, and I canāt look at the couch she used to lay on and chitter at me for treats without crying. she had cancer and she was in pain but selfishly I wish we still had her. I know thereās so much going on in the world but she was the centre of mine and Iām devastated.
#I just donāt know what to do with myself#her treats are on the kitchen counter her bed is in the living room her mat is hanging on the bannister#waiting to be be put down in my room so she can go to sleep#I canāt hear her nails tapping on the floor as she walks about I canāt hear her deep sighs to say sheās content#I canāt feel her soft fur under my hand#it feels like everything has ended
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Must be a Sugondese joke.
#dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#laios touden#senshi#Looks like I won't be able to post this on dungeon meshi thursday so instead I will have a fun past/future conversation#This is wednesday me who has not seen the episode yet but I have such a strong feeling that it is going to be extremely special.#*This* fight is what the first arc has been building up to and it has *so* many incredible moments.#We're going to see the chilchuck knife throw! The leg sacrifice! The bones!#Watch them ramp up the quality this episode and go wild with the frantic action of 'oh god our plan is going to shit'.#Hello. Me of the future who just watched the episode.#I knew it was going to be good but that...that blew my mind completely. My high expectations were beyond met. My god.#I'm just speechless at how well they handled everything. The leg. The tension. That ENDING.#If you have not already: PLEASE watch Dungeon Meshi.
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dragon meat, you, and me
#marcille donato#falin touden#farcille#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#tw blood#tw body horror#tw gore#as a normal farcille fan this revival has been on my mind since i first read it and getting to watch it is like yippee!!#like messy revivals are everything - the consequences that will haunt u for the rest of the time they are alive#the initial hopeful moments where it all seemed well but quickly descend to That not being the case - losing not only the bit of evidence#evidence that your dream may work out but also someone you deeply care about in the processā¦ marcille my Beloved#ofc wholly thruout the journey - at the forefront of it - getting falin back was the most crucial point but so wuickly :(( it was lost#on the other end its crazy to think about the compoments of falin now - human - dragon (dungeon) - marcilleās magic and desperation#the food the crew cooked (digested) - she is made of many parts!!#also i did not realize how medical it feels to draw smth like this. i dont usually explore the inner parts or use a lot of blood#in my work so rendering everything and looking up refs it felt quite magical (?)#ruporas art
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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EMOTIONAL WIN ! ! the bug lets his emotions make decisions for once !
#when ur bug has rsd#mf needs affirmations after everything man#ppl expect a mystery fantasy drama but its gonna end up being a story abt learning how to experience being yourself#a whole story just about experiencing emotions and how amazing and beautiful that can be#( with a side serving of heavily autistic experiences)#get praaaaankeed#i really dont get kissing but here it sorta made sense i think#kissing with mandibles must be a bit difficult#shoutout to unhinged jaw#chasing stars au#adventure time#fionna and cake#adventure time au#SÄ«dus the Fallen star#prismo the wishmaster#the carmine cavalier#scarab the god auditor#prohibitedwish#this technically has a part 1 but i didnt line it or anything- i may add it onto this later if i feel like it#SÄ«dus is the one to usually instigate stuff but he makes sure Carma is the one to go further#kinda just letting him know that hes there for him but no matter what he gets to choose what hes comfortable with-#when hes in such an unfamiliar situation
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Iām really liking Hazbin Hotel, but Jesus I am so sick of streaming shows having short seasons. It wouldāve benefited so much even from just another 4 episodes to spread things out a bit.
It feels like the show was just getting started, and now weāre already at the conflict leading into the finale.
#it has itās flaws. I donāt know everything thatās gone on with the creator and Iām not keen to find out#but for what it is Iām enjoying it! I like the songs- I like the characters#but itās like they donāt have time to explore any random fun character-bonding stuff because they need to keep the plot going#the last 2 episodes feel like weāre ramping up to the end already and I donāt feel like weāve spent enough time with these characters yet#hazbin hotel
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I think a lot about Leo standing up for his brothers in the things that really matter to them.
Like- Leo is the one who immediately pushes Mikey and Donnie into finding Raph the second itās clear that their oldest brother is missing because he knows Raph canāt handle being separated like that.
Leo is the one who stands up for Mikey when Mikey wants to go on a solo mission, actively vouching for him and being the one to convince Raph into letting Mikey go, because being independent and proving himself just as capable of standing on his own two feet as everyone else means so much to Mikey.
And Leo defends Donnieās honor in particular when his brothersā intelligence is insulted because Leo is well aware of how important Donnieās smarts are to him - and how important having those smarts valued and acknowledged is as well.
All this goes right into just how well Leo knows his brothers. For as much as heāll tease or fight with them, he knows them, and he loves them.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#listen Leo loves his family SO MUCH#and like itās no accident that Leo is consistently the one to give pep talks that#very notably#are less āeveryone as a groupā and more āall of you individuallyā#itās heartening to see honestly and like#it works with how he is as both a person and as a fighter#he knows people he knows them so well he knows how they work what theyāre like#which is SO USEFUL for subterfuge AND portal/teleportation strategy#my guy is charming his charisma comes from his understanding of people at an individual level#when he wants to be he is very very good at that#heās still a teen who is too cocky for his own good at times but that does not negate his stellar other moments#he can be selfish he can be mean he can be rude but when push comes to shove he is so quick to stand up for his family#Mikeyās statement at the end of the movie about how Leo NEVER gave up on THEM is so important because itās not JUST about the movie!!#thatās Leo as a whole he will never give up on his bros#portal jacked is telling of this too because although it has a lot of comedic moments#never once does Leo stop looking for a way to get his bros back#theyāre everything to him#heās the face man heās a people person and heās the number 1 pet turtle which I will discuss the implications of in this essay-#Will also say that when Leo does these moments of standing up for his bros heās never expecting praise for it#heās just glad they find Raph he just smiles when Mikey tells him he loves him he never mentions defending Donnie#leo has a tendency to show off fancy glittery moves but his real actions and feelings are sooo much more lowkey#that you have to be actively looking for them to catch them all#and I really really like that about him itās so interesting HE is so interesting
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i've been thinking about exactly why people portraying one of the other crew members successfully killing Jimmy as a "for what you did to Anya" kind of thing rubs me the wrong way a bit and it's because like..... this is just another form of taking agency away from Anya, in a way. it's kind of framing her as some meek, shivery woman-thing who's entirely at the mercy of the men around her, either to hurt her or save her.
(i understand these are mostly for wish fulfillment on the audience's behalf because everyone would like to see Jimmy pay for his crimes. whether or not this is the intention of the person writing it isn't really relevant, characterization happens with or without intent. i feel like it misses the point by portraying it as an 'ideal ending'.)
because... Anya is a capable person. she takes things into her own hands when she can. it was partially(?) her idea to get into the cargo,
(before he interrupts her.. remember when she interrupted Curly in the dead pixel segment?)
it was her idea to get the code scanner from the cockpit,
it was her idea to get the medication from behind the foam.
(the chance to do these things herself is not given to her.)
she'd been keeping Curly alive for months in a critical state somehow, her psych evaluations at the start are only so useless because Jimmy refuses to take it/her seriously and Curly is obviously biased when he puts it into his own hands. he's known him a long time, like he said. "I'll just put good for that one."
there's not a lot of material to work with because of how the game is framed, but it's there. we are working with two very biased perspectives and neither one lends Anya what she deserves
there's significant changes in how she speaks post- and pre- crash, and depending on who she happens to be talking to. i recommend re-reading her dialogue, because the difference is drastic
she acts the way she does around Jimmy because he has tangibly done horrible things to her, is actively hostile, and physically could not escape him by any means. she can't take away Curly's agency herself, in my eyes. you have to remember that Especially in the post-crash segments of the game, it's entirely from Jimmy's POV, and he obviously does not (and has never) thought very highly of her or treated her with a shred of respect
i've seen a general idea that she can't bear to hurt other people for any reason, but that doesn't really track to me. this is the real point of the post by the way
it seems based on the parts where she says she struggles to give Curly medication. "It just hurts him so much, I can't stand the noise." "It makes me nauseous."
it's not really the same thing as, say, hurting someone in self defense
this sounds like she did want the gun itself. this never felt worded like someone who would refuse to, at very least, threaten Jimmy with a gun, with violence. if she had been given the agency to make that decision on her own. she wasn't though
she still tries to reclaim some of it even as she's denied it
by the end she's still trying to keep that gun out of his hands
i think some people overly soften her, for similar reasons the game itself is trying to comment on. she's not a tender victim who couldn't cause pain to another out of the softness of her soul, she's a person who's had every last bit of agency ripped from her repeatedly until she couldn't take it anymore. that's the point. that's why framing her that way, "needing" someone to save her, is odd to me
she didn't need Curly to save her, she needed him to take responsibility
she didn't want to escalate things, but she's not an idiot. self defense was absolutely on her mind
but who knows im just saying shit *smiles serenely*
#dib noise#mouthwashing#sorryyyyyyyyy lol#i will defend you anya o7#its been fun to roll this game around in my brain. gives me something to do#long post#could be reaching though. it's unfortunate so much of her screentime is hammering home how poorly jimmy regards her#or her being scared/nervous in his presence#or trying to placate him#yes i know that's the point#are my feelings on how anya is treated by the the characters the fans and the game itself weirdly personal? yeah sorry#unfortunately i do think they didn't get the anya parts as solidly as the rest but oh well#everything has flaws#i've gone through a playthrough of this game like 10 times for this#you KNOW im sourcing my claims!!#not really an attack on the people who made the stuff i mentioned at the start#more of a commentary on how they relate with the source material itself#yes yes i know giving a crewmate a lethal weapon is probably not the best idea to curly#does that make this situation any less horrifying?#remember: these aren't real people. everything they do was written on purpose for a reason#i still need to write down my general thoughts on the game as a whole..#also not about one specific person post image writing ect it's a collection of things and ideas thrown onto one post#I'm not any good at ending posts like thase it kind of devolves by yhe end but thats ok
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thinking about how kim dokja thinks he's alone in the world and there is no one in the world who understands him or can possibly understand him.
but. there yoo sangah is. yoo sangah who discusses literature with him. yoo sangah who understands kim dokja bc she is very perceptive about people and very empathetic and also bc they have the kind of friendship where words aren't needed. yoo sangah who read every book in the library about kim dokja bc she was genuinely interested in her friend's life and bc she wanted to understand him. yoo sangah who figured out it was 49 and not real kdj and figured out what he did but didn't say a word bc she understood and respected his decision even though she wanted her friend back more than anything.
yoo sangah who witnessed his mundanity and monstrosity both, and loved him either way. loves him despite every irredeemable quality he thinks he has. yoo sangah who wants to be his best friend in every lifetime and live together right next to each other. yoo sangah, his best friend who understands him without words.
#orv#orv spoilers#yoo sangah#kim dokja#idk i just feel like she gets him in a way that few people do and wordlessly#like ofc she's never been through the things he has and cant relate in that sense#but she doesnt need to bc she just gets him. bc shes really good at reading people and very empathetic#but also their conversations are like.. they have this silent understanding. tacit understanding we have a phrase for it in mandarin#LIKE SHE JUST GETS HIM#THEYRE PLATONIC SOULMATES#THEYRE BEST FRIENDS IN EVERY LIFETIME#PLATONIC DOKSANG ENDS ME. THEYRE MY EVERYTHING#PLATONIC SOULMATES ARE REAL AND THEYRE IT#IS2G!!!#i wrote the post in calm language but im actually screaming and clutching my head in agony#mp: orv
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favourite thing: his new habit of saying uhuh/mhm and also this
#the first time he did it in unmortricken i was like Fuck Yes and little did i know he would just keep doing it the whole time#DESPERATELY hoping they keep both of these things. i Love when characters have tiny little habits sprinkled in their actions#to me these things kinda sorta symbolise him no longer being afraid to really be himself#like he no longer has to hide certain things about himself that inside of the cfc wouldve made him appear āsuspiciousā#since he IS like so much different than any other morty ever#also barely related but like. em is fundamentally such a good character bc everytime we see him heās feeling something different#in his first appearance he was cold and distant because at the time he was new to being free and was strictly focused on his goal and wasnā#even sure if it would work#in his second appearance he seemed hopeful and honest both of these things just being a trap to get the people of the citadel to trust him#and his old colder self unfurling near the end after he successfully becomes president#in his third appearance he seems giddy almost. heās constantly giggling before and after sentences and heās super eager to just Get The Hel#Out. and also to reveal the truth to morty prime. make it so that he doesnāt have to be the one to shoulder everything anymore.#and this fourth appearance. apart from a few little details he really just seems happy and comfortable. the entire episode he was just doin#whatever he wanted and nobody got in his way at all. and i could not be happier#normal about this character!#rick and morty#evil morty#rick and morty spoilers#odiespeak
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Day 5 - caf since my scribbles can be totally illegible, hereās a transcript Obi-Wan: Here you go, Cody Cody: Oh, thanks, sir Cody: this... itās caf? Obi-Wan: Ah, yes! Iāve noticed my teas are not really to your tastes, so I stocked up some caf for you instead! I hope itās okay Cody: ... oh Cody: ...thank you.
#codywan#obi wan kenobi#commander cody#star wars#tcw#starwarstober23#little comic#I absolutely love the trope of them doing flimsiwork together and drinkin tea and caf#and Cody doesn't really like the teas Obi-Wan gives him but drinks them anyway because no one has EVER offered him something like that#and he'd rather jump out of an airlock than hurt Obi-Wan's feelings#so he sucks it up and drinks it and maybe even almost likes one blend or two#but ofc Obi-Wan notices at some point that Cody obviously isn't a big fan of teas so he'll get him caf instead#and if Cody already marveled at someone offering him something like tea this is a whole another level#a cup of caf is practically a love letter to Cody#I love them so much#codywan every day all the time#THEM#idiots in love#I also always struggle with coloring comics like do I color them or not????? so they end up colored kinda in this half-assed way usually#also if it hasn't become clear yet I can't draw backgrounds and struggle with that too so everything always takes place in some weird LIMBO#my arts
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im a child of divorce
#the bit is over when i say its over and even when its so joever for these two its not over for me!!! (once again i am on heavy copium)#anyway. thoughts behind the spoiler tags#gempearl#shiny duo#wild life smp#life series spoilers#wild life spoilers#i feel like. i actually was expecting that#no but its so funny the one time the negative consequences of something does actually get acknowledged its the SL finale ābetrayalā/j#like cmon fuck me i guess/j (BIG EMPHASIS. ON THE SLASH J. OKAY.)#but honestly though i did expect Gem to hold a grudge over the 2v1 in SL. and. its good that there are consequences???#it IS a ābetrayalā in Gemās eyes. they were friends. they were murder besties for the last two sessions and then Pearl chose Scar over her#and its awesome man. [through gritted teeth] this is awesome man this will be good for character development ok ok ok. ok?#its also got something to do with Pearl having the red creep in. i think#because during SL Gem was like. nearly idolising the Scarlet Pearl persona while vaguely aware that her own reputation has a similar effect#and yknow. the horrors. the fact that their image is so heavily built on what others deem them to be and they can only play into it#but by the end of SL Gem gets ābetrayedā by this persona that she looked up to#and also her own āGeminiSlayā intimidating image is also starting to fall apart. partly of her own will#and now shes watching Pearl slowly turn red again. and this time she knows its not good for her or Pearl#so shes distancing herself from it. shes ātrying to fix her reputationā. she sees Pearl falling into it again and just. no. i dont love you#you betrayed me last season#but on Pearlās end of things sheās already deep into the idea that as long as you say you āforgiveā someone then everything thats happened#in the past doesnāt matter and they can all be friends. and nooo absolutely no grudges will be held. no emotional repression here#so. because thats happened to her in her own team she thinks the same can happen with her and Gem#and thats so. im going to blow myself up now
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Let the revenge games begin.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#jin guangyao#nie huaisang#He's gonna call his 5 horse friends up. They have to go on a 14 year long journey to finish the job but by god they will do it.#The sheer chaos in the Audio Drama is really fantastic. Reminds me of those traincar murder mysteries.#The lights go off and there's a scream and then BOOM dead body. Who did that!!!#Okay it was qi deviation and he did it to stop himself from killing his brother. He did it to himself.#JGY sadly has the worst alibi ever though. Both the strongest motivation and also uhhh presence at the scene.#Not to nitpick but as someone who loves murder mysteries - I do feel like even *one* other suspect would have made it stronger.#I get that he tried to make it look like an inevitable Qi Deviation and that it *is* something within the family legacy.#And a big part of NHS figuring it all out comes down to his own perceptiveness and intelligence.#If you weren't close enough to JGY and NMJ of course it looks like an accident.#Sadly 'guy who plays the 'poor little meow meow card'' is also weak to 'guy who plays the 'poor little meow meow card''.#NHS was the better subtle manipulator at the end. That's probably the strongest mystery part of MDZS. And why he's in my top 5.#My man pulled the 'kill him just as he falls from the top of his game and loses everything' gambit and I love him for it.
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Yeonjun about the strain he felt while preparing for his debut solo project ā "GGUM" MAKING FILM
#yeonjun#choi yeonjun#tomorrow x together#txt#ggum: making film#gifs#creations#userzaynab#useryeonbins#skyehi#rosieblr#megtag#hibiebear#heyiri#ultkpopnetwork#kpopccc#kpopco#this are like the rawest emotions we've seen from him... I feel... it's really sad to watch him like this#i mean I know they're under lots of pressure and stress#It's only natural when you work with so many people who you could potentially disappoint#and I know it was his choice to make this solo project happen now but i feel like the company could manage his schedule better#because why he films till 3 am and then right next day has a flight to another country for a concert...#and now we know from soobin they're super busy again#I'm worried his body will just say 'enough' one day and something bad will happen :(#and you have him work so hard and stress and then all this losers online whose biggest achievement is getting 100 likes on a post#writing the worst things about him for no reason... its not that hard to be kind and you dont need to have an opinion about everything :D#at the end of the day that celebrity you hate so much is still pretty and successful#and you're just a friendless jobless empty-headed rotten fool with likes on a post that mean nothing once you close the ap#I'm just glad all this is still fun for him and that he has such a great support system: his members family staff who care about him and us#all we can really do is support them and send them lots of love fr ;; you've done well my jjunie ily ā„
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A reminder that Spinner canonically compares himself to Dabi and feels inferior to the rest of the League of Villains.
Part of the reason he allowed AFO to manipulate him is because he wanted to be reliable, as in he wanted to be stronger to be of use to Tomura. So again, he's canonically kinda jealous not only of Dabi's quirk, but of him as a person.
#as much as I'd like to joke about how Spinner is sooo gay for Tomura please acknowledge that this is a critical point in Spinner's character#him feeling unworthy or inferior comes from the discrimination he has faced all his life#he doesn't value himself like he should#and since Tomura is the person who has showed him the most that he matters exactly like he is#Spinner ended up sacrificing everything to save the one friend that has offered to destroy the world for him#AFO did all of that deliberately to break Spinner btw#He saw Spinner's loyalty to Tomura and used it against them#AFO can't allow someone who loves Tomura to be whole and safe#he's like a bad kid with a toy#bnha#mha#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#league of villains#lov#mha spoilers#bnha spoilers#spinner#shuichi iguchi#dabi#touya todoroki#toya todoroki
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sellllllll it's meeeeee. hehehehehehehehehhehe
so for ur writing exercises.... deku + light? please? pretty please?
:3c
heheh heheh hehe niku. this will be the death of me. me writing izuku for the first time š„² i will only do this for you </3
contains: established relationship, spoilers for the end of the manga, aged up deku but sometime in between the final outcome (he doesn't get the h*** s*** from bakugo yet), mentions of sex and scars
deku + light
izuku only sleeps with the lights off.
it isn't uncommon; many people you know can't sleep with even just a sliver of light turned on somewhere in the room. but the difference with izuku, you learn, is not that he's unable to stand the lightāit's that he refuses to.
you quickly pick up on it the first few times he sleeps over.
he fidgets in bed, pretty badly, actually. the nightlight you sleep with glows a warm yellow, illuminating the side of your face and coating him in its afterglow. you chalk it up to nerves, how he pulls at his sleeves and adjusts his position constantly; he is, after all, one of the most anxious people you know.
and this relationshipāit's new. heck, even you feel a little jittery with his arm wrapped around you.
the rhythmic tapping on your hip only increases pace. you don't think he realizes it, so your hand gently reaches for his, intertwining your fingers as you turn around in his arms.
he's close, nearly touching you nose-to-nose; the proximity leaves you fuzzy, a little ticklish, so you giggle, a soft "oops," as the freckles dusting his face almost glisten under the warm light.
"hi," you whisper, meeting his eyes; they stare back at you wide in surprise, "can't sleep?"
he looks almost guilty at your question, as if youāve caught him with the one thing he's been trying to keep from you.
"justā" his voice comes out louder than intended, prompting him to chuckle nervously as he readjusts his volume, "just winding down, sorry."
you inch closer, nuzzling his nose lightly, "it's okay."
"did i wake you?" he asks, cheeks flushing pink as his eyebrows furrow in immediate concern. his expression is something caught between stifling a grin and feeling sorry.
you shake your head against the pillow you share, strands of your hair tangling with his. "just winding down," you tease, watching as his gaze turns softer, eyelids drooping heavier.
sometimes, you think, izuku holds the world in his eyesāa deep, dark green, the color of life. most times, they look at you with wonderment, bright and alive; photos from inko tell you they're the eyes of his inner child.
on nights like this one, however, they hide a depth in them weighted by what you can only assume is time, and all that has happened to him in such a short span of it.
you try your best to understand what lies beneath them, knowing full well he'll never tell you outright what truly bothers him.
"is it the light?" you bring up, some time after laying in silence.
"hm?" he clarifies.
"do you have a hard time sleeping with the nightlight?"
his eyes widen briefly once more, as if shocked that you've caught him again. these split second reactions are ones you've learned to be attentive to when it comes to izuku.
"no," he tries to lie, but you know better as you turn to your nightstand and reach for its switch, "you don'tā"
"it was hurting my eyes," you quickly make up an excuse, tucking yourself closer under his chin as you cut off his attempt to deny it again.
finding out that the light was the problem was the easy partā
you'd begun to notice much earlier on that izuku was barely rested on the nights he'd spend at your place. it was only when your old nightlight broke that you began to notice him waking up much later than you did, groggily rousing from a deep sleep.
āwhat was hard, was figuring out why.
at first, you suspected it was his scars.
"s-sorry, it's notā" he'd warned you, right as your hands gripped the hem of his shirt the first time you were about to have sex, "āit's not nice."
you didn't care though; you still don't care, and you've made that abundantly clear to him since. you love izuku and all his partsāall the nicks and jaggedy pieces of skin that make up who he is.
when you eventually ask him about it, with a request that he be honest with you for once, he tells you that it is and it isn'tāthe reason why he exclusively sleeps with the lights off, that is.
it's an odd, comforting relationship he has with his bodyāthat he is simultaneously grateful and sorry for how its become a canvas, both painted and marred to symbolize japanās historic last stand.
you find out the real reason when you catch him staring at his hands.
he does it often, when he thinks you aren't lookingāhis fists bunched up in the same way he used to watch the power of one for all course through his fingertips; the same way he used to prepare them in battle.
thereās a faraway look in his eyes that lingers, you noticeāa little wistful if anything.
ādo you miss it?ā you finally ask. he gives you the same shocked look he does every time, as if heās been caught with a secret heās been trying to hide.
heās learned a fair bit about you now, too, thoughālying to you is futile when youāve perfected reading his truth. he stares at his fists again as you take a seat beside him, moving to give you space. you rest your head on his shoulder gently, waiting.
āsometimes,ā he admits, but you know itās an understatement.
āi think about the vestiges a lot. i miss them the most, i think,ā he continues, clenching his fists tightly, āi always try to reach out to them, but i guess it doesnāt work that way.ā
āiā¦ i try to replicate the right conditions every night, butā¦ā then he lets go, stretching his fingers out wide. the scars on the surface ripple through his skin, telling its own story.
you hum, acknowledging what he means. silence sits with the two of you as you take his hand in yours, slowly unfurling his fingers until his palm reveals itself to you. itās rough to the touch, seasoned with hard work and all that heās been through.
āis that why you prefer the dark?ā you ask softly, after some time.
it's not often that you stay up later than izuku does. when you do though, you catch him shifting in bed, moving from side-to-side. you pretend you aren't awake, but you hear him mumble their names, dwindling in volume as he dozes off to sleep.
he stares at his palm for a moment before he admits quietly, "yeah." his brows furrow as if contemplating whether to say more, but he shakes his head, dark green strands swaying to the beat of his embarrassed chuckle, "nevermind, it's silly."
"it's not."
you intertwine your fingers, sandwiching his hand between yours. a slight sheen glosses over his eyes as he tilts his head up to look at you. he draws in a breath, before it spills over.
"it's..." he finds the words, and you squeeze his hand in comfort, "it's easier to believe it was all real when the lights are out, and that maybe it can happen again."
#deku x reader#izuku x reader#midoriya x reader#bnha x reader#shotorus.workbook#it is here ! the first time ive ever written izuku ! i hope u like it niku !#idt i'll ever feel like anything i write of him will be enough but i tried !#SPOILERS FOR MANGA ENDING PLS DONT READ AHEAD#some stuff abt the blurb: i see this happening in the time between him losing ofa and before getting the suit from bakugo#so somewhere between when hes teaching#and i think its a lot of complex feelings ā he's happy he did what he had to do but is also mourning the loss of something he once had#i don't think i can ever convey that feeling fully but i hope i at least managed to touch on it here with him !#i see this as like . the period in his life where he's transitioning out of something he once knew into smth else entirely#i also hc reader to be his colleague (like a teacher or smth) but anyone closely related to the job would work !#really just someone who has a base level understanding of what he went through but doesnt know everything#which is why they're still trying to learn all these things abt him and read him better#and also why he tries to hide a lot of things from them still / is hesitant to share in fear of scaring them away smth like that !#thats all i can think of for now but ill let u know if i have other thoughts on this later on ! hehe#hope u enjoy niku !#ask#rep#ask game answered#most nervewracking experience of my LIFE writing him#stellamancer#niku.š„©
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