#it feels like a rlly good choice
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My awesome prediction for Ashe conclusion
#witch’s heart#whnoc#ashe bradley#charlotte (witch’s heart)#im probably the only person who cares about charlie being his associated demon#it feels like a rlly good choice#honestly all the associated demon choices make sense#but charlie and ashe in particular scratch my brain#witch’s heart meme#my artwork
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i feel as if im going mad so im going to just put this out here. real quick. movieunleashers starters ramble.
i cant stop thinking about how mudkip broke down in that one scene in "Typomaniac," when Chespin called him mean. for a second he lets his mask slip a little bit and to me he just... acts his age. he starts crying and calls chespin mean back. maybe im just hyperfocusing on this one detail but mudkip is about 12 years old.
and that just makes me wonder what happened in this guys life that brought him to where he is now. and it makes it all the more tragic how his whole world revolves around chespin, but he is the one bringing him the most pain. and how young he was when he died.
there is a large theme of growing up in "Rare Candy." the characters ages are emphasized in that particular episode, and one of the main conflicts is fennekin wanting to evolve faster.
the thing about characters in these stories is that they're not allowed to just be kids, to have a childhood. so many bad things happen to them. like. mudkips whole, Everything. fennekin when she was famous in typomaniac, or dealing with her own insecurities/pressure from society about her relationship w chespin. and chespin always having to shoulder his friends problems & always somehow managing to stay positive despite everything.
why cant they just. play video games. eat ice cream or something. go to the movies
at the end of the day, i think both mudkip and fennekin are characters who grew up too fast. by distancing himself from them, chespin refused to follow in their footsteps and just wanted to stay a kid.
good for him.
#starters movieunleashers#rambles#long post#mudkip starters#fennekin starters#chespin starters#NOT TO SAY THAT BEING 12 YEARS OLD ABSOLVES YOU OF ALL CRIME BUT GOOD GOD#i honestly think it was good for chespin to distance himself from them??? especially mudkip. holy cow#he seemed... happier(?) in wild oranberries but tbf its hard to say for sure#bc chespin loves doing this thing called “lying”#also. i saw the end credits sequence#not sure how to feel about it i do not have enough information to go off of#but i suppose itll make more sense... all in due time#but going back to what i said earlier i think the issues a lot more complicated#i worry about chespin that boys friendship is basically just “i can fix him!” like girl. no#THEY ALL NEED THERAPY#INCLUDING THE GANG FROM LAVENDER TOWN#*ESPECIALLY* THOSE GUYS#please. ill cry#i cant help but think this will all end in tragedy#i hope mudkip gets a good ending or at least a bittersweet one#like again. he kills people. but hes also like not even in high school and i feel bad for all of them#anyways IM SORRH GOR YHE LONG RAMBLE I RLLY LIKE THIS SERIES??? AND THIS THOUGHT WAS EATING ME ALIVE SO I RLLY WANTED TO SAY IT#hey gang. new hyperfixation#hm. i should also mention the “watching his close friend die on front of him and feeling responsible for it” to the list of chespins traumas#i domt think fennekin was a “bad friend” as much as i think she just had her owm things toing on#and its entirely chespins choice to dostance himself from her
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Someday I’ll stop reblogging arcane critical posts I’m sure but fjskdjsksjs my cousin finally finished and I was sent back into the hole that is ‘wtf was that I am actually so thoroughly dissatisfied with nearly every narrative choice they made now that I’m not being blinded by emotions’ and i fear I’m no fun to talk to ab it for her 😂
The tags for this got Crazy but I stand by them 😂 (tho none of it is polished so, yk, don’t come at me if some stuff is a lil underbaked ok, I only got 30 sentences)
#she was still in her grieving jinx era#tbf to her it took me a day for my feelings to go from man the visuals were so stunning and the emotional hurt from vi and jinx#to actually analyzing but like#on nearly every level for the characters I was dissatisfied#yes even echo#bc whERE were the firelights#and I KNOW all of it boils down to#they did not care to tell the story of a revolution#they just didn’t#so the characters have to drop every part of that until it becomes an afterthought#despite it being the driving tension of season 1#Vi does not think on her actions at all which I’ve talked a bit more ab elsewhere so I’ll spare you#jinx has the most relation to that plotline but even then we don’t linger on it like I thought through isha we could go down and parallel#silco and vanders struggle.. silco wanting independence but not being able to trade his daughter vander putting down his gloves to make sur#they were safe#and jinx who really didn’t care that much ab the politics presumably channeling that same energy into fighting for independence for isha#could be so good… esp if it was combined w a storyline where Vi recons w her own identity outside just a protector of jinx#and then echo and his firelights building community and fighting for his ppl like#do u see what I’m saying#for sevika I think wld have been rlly interesting to show her shift from follower to leader bc she has always wanted what’s best for zaun#but has always simply backed whoever she thought would get it done#I think her taking more agency in it was a good choice I also think her and ekko shld have some sort of interaction#and Mel should have beat her mom with her own strengths. her political savvy. her cunning. and her ideals. and should have pushed for an#independent zaun bc I think Mel wants peace and I think if the story cared to go the revolutionary way she would have known what the right#thing to do was. also her mom shld not have suddenly been stupid. after pushing for the war and finally getting the weapon advancement rout#she wanted maybe she does something else. but also I think Jayce and Viktor realizing what they have created w their science was a good plo#it’s not the technology it is how you wield it and how you develop it and then realizing what they’ve done was always good. I hate the pivo#to oh yea it’s actually the magic is bad.. like.. ok. intrinsic magic good. magic to better the society and cure ppl badddd (tho that’s not#where they ended up but the story made it seem like yea the arcane is just bad nd it corrupts if you ask too much of it ??#arcane critical
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every day i have to hold my tongue when m-cd-nnis shippers start sounding like frat guys with the way they talk about dennis' Secret Feelings toward mac. hey man. i don't actually think you get it. i don't think you understand what's going on between them.
#HEY MAN. I DONT THINK DENNIS ~SECRETLY WANTS IT~ AND TJAT ITS GOOD ACTUALLY WHEN HE ASSAULTS HIM. CAN YOU BE NORMAL.#ada speaks#guyssss dennis is just secretly gayyyy its fiiiine mac is making him come to terms with itttt#he actually really wants all this despite his verbal protests you guysssss#fuck taking him at his word obviously dennis doesn't know what he wants !!!#like my brother in christ. when dennis says. It's Never Gonna Happen. Not Willingly.#he means it. the willingly part IS the important part#when dennis HAS a choice and when mac is not actively REMOVING that choice#THEN he is like. fine with it#but you people don't seem to understand what it is that mac is doing that dennis is opposed to#is it rlly that hard to understand that mac putting dennis into these situations like in ddl and gets romantic is intentional on mac's part#dennis' issue is. Always. he doesn't like being TRAPPED. key word.#this is why he resists time and time again not just with mac but with everything else he fights against#he doesnt like being out of control. he doesn't like being controlled. its not even that he wants to be the one in control#it's for protection#so when mac traps him. intentionally. in a way that is premeditated. when he knows he cant trust mac#why in gods name would he WILLINGLY consent to literally anything#like you look at the implication and the obvious parallels there#where he is recreating how he was made to feel#and its specifically about being trapped. PHYSICALLY in this sense#and you look at the fucking scripts and you see how many goddamn times the word TRAPPED is used#[GESTURES BROADLY]#like for the last time. dennis is not resistant to mac bc he has these latent desires he is in denial about.#he's resistant to mac because he doesn't trust him and doesn't want to be assaulted.#its about power. but consistently we see that dennis Doesnt Want Real Power he just wants enough to protect himself#like for fucks sake. yes. if dennis consents then obviously he's going to be fine with it#the problem is that mac doesn't care enough to get consent#and very specifically circumvents it instead. den isn't like. overreacting. he's right djskdjfkkf
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thinking sashisu thoughts rn ………… suguru was the least desensitized of the three and that’s why he was the first to break . explodes
#sorry i had to get this out#whenever i finish writing the essay that is. my 261 post 😭 i will talk abt desensitization properly bc it’s such a vital plotpoint in jjk#BUT LIKE .#i just feel like shoko and gojo were always a little desensitized . but suguru wasn’t!!!#even just with emotional vulnerability on its own we see suguru cry THREE times in the manga .#but zero times for satoshoko#(maybeee once for satoru if you interpret the jjk 0 scene that way . but still.)#it’s weirdddd bc i rlly do believe that sashisu are ALL very similar.#but suguru is definitely the odd one out#it’s less that he Cares the most and more like he’s the only one of them who can’t seem to Pretend Not to Care……..#shoko and gojo are good at shutting themselves off but suguru couldn’t . it’s why he left .#thinking abt them before bed is never a good choice hhhhhhhhhhhh#they make me feel so ill </3#ari noises ✩#meta ✩
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ok guys im doing a series where im going to draw some asoiaf ladies as disney princesses. starting w sansa bc she is a disney princess who was dropped into the wrong world
#pls vote on this i need yall#valyrianscrolls#valyrian scrolls#i only included options i thought were plausible bc like. shes not merida lol#next ill do a poll for either dany or arya... i have ideas for arya but im soooo torn on dany#aurora is a good fit for sansa but i kinda want to draw lyanna as aurora#sansa stark#rapunzel and belle r my top choices#asoiaf fanart#what if i ended up never drawing this thatd be funny#asoiaf polls#my polls#asoiaf sansa#personally im not rlly a big shipper for asoiaf but#i feel like jonsas will be team aurora/rapunzel and sansans will be team belle#no judgement but i see what u r...#im a daensa but i am first and foremost an advocate for the people so speak yalls truth#imagine this starts discourse. could not imagine why but the asoiaf fandom is wild sometimes
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I wanna talk about my top 5 musicians that I got into this year + 2 bonuses. Not one's that released this year, just ones that I found out this year.
These will be out of order since I don't want to rank them. Oh also I'll only share 1 song that's my favorite from them.
NewJeans
youtube
Ok sorry to start with a remix (If I had to choose an original, it'd be "ETA") but this is the song that introduced me to NewJeans. Apparently, I think "Super Shy" was their big trendsetting song but I haven't heard of it till now I think. I love their style so much!!
Hakushi Hasegawa
youtube
I shared a couple of his songs earlier in the year, with Doku being a standout because it sounded like Nintendo took a lot of inspiration from them for one of their Hero Mode OSTs in Splat3 (though I didn't hear about it till this year). I had a hard time choosing between Doku, Somoku and a couple other songs from Air Ni Ni (Only You, Desert and Itsukushii Hibi are one of my favorites in there), but I think Doku is such a great song as an introduction to them (Hasegawa uses they/them pronouns by the way).
MAXIMUM THE HORMONE
youtube
I... Never heard of the name "Maximum The Hormone" until this year. In-fact, the way I officially learned their band was through a Chainsaw Man chapter titled "ChuChu Lovely MuniMuni MuraMura". AND I WATCHED THE ANIME FIRST. I HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE THE ONE WHO MADE THE 3RD ED. And if we wanna go even further, I never watched Death Note, AT MOST, I'VE HEARD A SNIPPET OF THE OP, WAY LONG AFTER IT'S RELEVANCY and I still didn't know of their name. I do like all of the songs I've mentioned, but I think F is a super solid song that's also a normal song length with a good guitar solo.
Femtanyl
youtube
So I found out about Femtanyl from their biggest song titled "KATAMARI" and of course I had to listen to it because I love Katamari!! I love the Prince!! Most of their songs are super good, I considered either this one, Katamari or Push ur t3mprr. Their newest one with Danny Brown is also really good.
Sonic Coaster Pop
youtube
Spotify actually did a good thing and suggested me a really good album for once. I LOVEEE THIS ALBUM, I LOVE THAT EACH SONG TRANSITIONS TO THE NEXT ONE!! But Super Speed Pop Star is the standout one for me. IT'S SUCH A MUNCH ALBUM. I think this counts as Neo Shibuya-Kei or Electropop (correct me if I'm wrong) and I've dipped my toes a bit into it for a long while like CAPSULE, Nagisa Cosmetic (first one I was introduced into the genre) and Plus Tech Squeeze Box.
I've been wanting to find more songs like them, but I haven't been able to much, mostly because I like finding them in the wild through suggestions from the platform I'm listening on. Also, because I like a lot more of the electro styled songs rather than traditional Shibuya-Kei (which is still good!!). I'm really happy to find a new one to get into this year.
BONUS
I'm adding 2 more because one of them is a band that just came out this year or debuted really late 2023, and the other is just 1 really standout songs that I REALLY like.
ILLIT
youtube
ILLIT popped off hard for their debut(?) with Magnetic being their trendsetting song, but I like this one a lot more in their album. The reason I'm putting this as a bonus is because they only have like... 5 songs? So I can't really say if I'll get super into them but I think they're starting off really strong!
FLASHING LIGHTS/IMAGES WARNING
Special Interest – Concerning Peace (Machine Girl Remix)
youtube
FLASHING LIGHTS/IMAGES WARNING, I couldn't even share the original video because it's much worse than this one, but that aside, I really really love this song. It helps a lot that I got into Dai Dark this year and I associate this song a lot with it. I really want to do an edit one day with either Dai Dark or Dorohedoro with this song. One day... MAYBE SOON SINCE I LEARNED A BIT MORE OF VIDEO EDITING (even though it's just the very basics).
Music is something I don't really share that often or like sharing that much, though I figured I'd talk about it this year since I'm very passionate about listening to music. I've also started sharing much more music this year and it feels nice. I know some of these aren't that niche but I just learned about them this year and wanted to talk about them.
#long post#etc#i feel like adding femtanyl and maximum the hormone r kinda cringe choices but idgaf#i still rlly like listening to them occasionally!#Youtube#nanoray is also pretty good (one of the other musicians that nintendo.... proabably referenced... for their Side order OST)#i just didnt add them bc i wasnt that crazy for most of their songs
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been having a lot of changes in my life recently and realized that im still a child at heart
#ive been feeling out of place in my life recently and i think thats the reason why#i dont even know why i feel like this?#im getting my drivers permit i got my first Adult Job with a rlly good salary i cut 10 inches off my hair and i dropped out of college#ive been having adult responsibilities since my dad died and i dont want any of them#my mom commented on how mature i handle myself but its not like i had a choice i HAD to be mature#i just feel so profoundly empty something is missing i just dont know what
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Not Tom King diagnosing the problem with his own run in issue #2
#well one of them#but it really all centers around diana not being a protagonist in her own story#also yes im reading tk ww right now. needed to happen eventually and ive found the best time is the middle of the night when im tired as#fuck and have the least shits possible to give#anyways its not good. doesnt have me raging like i was this afternoon w the absolute power waller garbage but rlly think thats the 2am#effect at work#as opposed to signs of quality#like i like poetic style narration but this is all so detatched from diana and her feelings about any of this#and all the dialogue is so wooden and awful like :/#“no thank you” me at this run#legit like sarge steel is the only one allowed to use contractions here or something#and the plot makes no sense with diana's character! the timeskip makes her look like a piece of shit because shes functionally done nothing#to help her people over the MONTH where theyre being massacred!#anyways at least the art isnt ugly. there are some things i dont like about sampere's choices but hes no 90s benes or deodato thank god#that would be my final straw /j. i dont have straws rn thats the point of this read. turning off the part that cares 👍#im sure theres worse ww comics somewhere. but this is not the vibe for me clearly#but i will read bc why the fuck not and also i love diana too much not to at some point#blah
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I love it when you play so much DnD that your character choices sorta come full circle:
In your first ever game you might start out as a human fighter, or an elven rogue, or maybe just a half-elf wizard, and then you slowly progress to warlocks and artificers, homebrew perhaps??
But then at some point…you just sorta return to the basic???
For example: I had a moment after a one shot (one that several different groups had all played through separately) where a member of a different group, who had played DnD a year or two, had asked me, who at that point had played for about 5 years, what character I was playing.
I, of course, started ranting about what role in the party I wanted to explore and how I felt the role of ‘maternal’ and ‘the moral one’ was so often associated with being dull when in fact there’s so much unexplored potential in it, and how I wanted to challenge myself by being a character who truly wears their heart on their sleeve and-
Then he asked “ok, but what class and race are you tho?” “………….human fighter” “Ah. There’s no shame in being a bit basic I guess”
#sorry for this ramble I just sorta randomly remembered this#idk something something when you’ve played a bit but not too much you sorta feel you HAVE TO explore all the different classes?#idk I just remember that I was always a bit disappointed when I felt i had to prioritize new class/race choices over good character building#human fighters can be so cool you guys!!!!!#(is it obvious this post is coming from someone who thinks paladins are one pf the best dnd classes)#(and who’s sorta never cared much for dnd race)#maria talks about things#dungeons and dragons#d&d#this obviously doesn’t apply to everyone:#I’m sure tons of people played drow multi class bard blood hunters for their first roles#I think my first ever proper character (that wasn’t the premade ones) was an elven druid??#but quite frankly I’ve always rlly liked ‘basic’ characters with basic concepts that later end up betraying those very concepts#I miss Felton;-;#<-DMPC cocky half elven sorcerer that all the players made a rlly big deal of ‘hating’#(dw they secretly loved him)#that died in combat and fell in a river (i think??)#and was replaced with another character#but then was later revived and Came Back Wrong#me when the cocky noble fire sorcerer is suddenly shy and timid and refuses to use fire magic#(those who know me irl will prob notice that this post-death character is what inspired another elven sorcerer I’ve played)
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i want affection and connection w someone but im also just so disheartened and disappointed by ppl…
#i rlly do think im unloveable tbh#I’ve used dating apps for so many years now n lit haven’t gotten anywhere w them#it’s just the same thing#speak once or twice have a good convo then they ghost or unmatch#even tho there’s no indication why like the convo was easy going and fun it just comes out of nowhere#n it always makes me feel there’s something wrong w me tht ppl do this#ik deep down it’s just ppls choices n tht it doesn’t reflect me#but idk why i have such a hard time meeting ppl and dating#n it’s embarrassing only ever having one relationship n im 25 this year#i can’t even meet new ppl bc ppl just don’t communicate n don’t match the same effort#it’s left me feeling hopeless and cba w dating in general#i used to think me being trans was the barrier in me meeting ppl#but there’s other ppl around me who r trans who have no problem whatsoever#so idk wht it is#journal
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#im sorry im getting feelings again#i was going to say i dont like being in tune w my feelings but. am i rlly LMAO#im not. im not rlly i dont recognize them i cant rlly name them outside of the main 3#all i know is that wanting smth usually leads to sadness bcs. when will it be my turn. will i EVER get my turn#and rn i want smth so bad which ik will turn into smth bad. sigh#and wanting smth im not sure i will ever get leads me to feeling im wasting my time bcs the things i can do now r very limited and outside#of that i cant rlly do shit. like. i rlly cant and it takes me to self-doubt. it makes me question myself#and i hate questioning myself bcs im not sure about a THING. is it the right path am i doing things right#and i dont know!!!!!! i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know if i made the right decision of dropping out. i dont know if it was the right#choice to start a new major. in a new university. im not sure#and it makes me insecure bcs what if i was wrong what if im doing things wrong what if i didnt do the right thing#idk man. this path has been so lonely and i know i keep repeating myself i just have to wait to do things i want but what if i dont get it#< see i said feeling things usually take the wrong turn#this isn't very silly goofy of me im sorry#i just gotta be my own comedic relief or i will go absolutely fucking insane#idk man. i just wanna feel like i made the right decision and that im doing things for my own good without doubting myself#i wanna feel secure in life and i want to feel proud of me but on the mean time im just gonna live through ppl feeling proud of me#and im gonna live ignoring every single feeling bcs i dont like feeling them at all and im gonna keep protecting myself getting attached to#fictional stories and such#jo.txt#if someone read til here im sorry for the thoughts and stuff i will go back to being silly goofy rn 👍
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TODOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#BEST BOY IS BACK I SHED ACTUAL TEARS#FUCKKK i forgot how much i love him 😭😭#he ALWAYS appears when yuji needs him most what if i cry and throw up#(nobara comeback soon TRUST)#anyway i liked this chapter BUT . i’m mad abt choso#like as far as deaths go . i think his scene was good. i cried . yuji calling him big bro at the end feels fitting#BUTT his death was a lil toooo sudden for my liking + i feel like it undermines the fight he had w kenjaku !!!#bc that fight ended w choso’s death as a curse. and . so . I MEAN#in a way i can understand the appeal writing wise of having him die once as a curse and once as a human#BUT LIKE ….. yuki telling him to ”live as a human” was suchhh a powerful moment n i rlly felt like it gave him plot armour 😭#so . well. im not too happy w this. BUTTTT you have to understand how my brain works …. i see todo aoi and i get hyped#and the final yuji/choso scene was rlly rlly heartwrenching :(((#so i liked the chapter. but i cant say i rlly like the writing choice……..#im just praying for todo not to die PLSSSS dont take my bestie from me 😔😔😔#(also logan if u happen to see this my grievances are with you and your family at this time)#ari noises ✩#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk leaks#jjk 259
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HI MAC. UR MIDNIGHT MASS POSTING HAS CONVINCED ME 2 WATCH IT. THREE MINUTES INTO THE FIRST EPISODE I’M ALREADY GOING CRAZY. WILL REPORT BACK WHEN THIS INEVITABLY MAKES ME START CHEWING ON FURNITURE
OH FUCK . OH SHIT. HAVE FUN <3 episodes 4 and 5 are my favorites please please feel free 2 liveblog to me i love it so mucj
#IM SO GLAD MY POSTING HAS INFLUENCED YOU. ITS A RLLY GOOD SHOE#RLLY DARK AND FUCKED UP. BEWARE. but also the way it portrays vampires is kinda hot so. take that as tou will#shoutout to my mcr resurgence + wolfwood + midnight mass all happening relatively close to each other#and making me appreciate church imagery but in a goth way . im a changed man.#if u would have told me when i was like 7-14 that i was making referwnces to religion in art BY CHOICE????#i would have slaughtered you. but. here i am#im reclaiming it in a horror gay goth way.#what did i say last night homd on#'it hurts but like in a way where im like how did u capture the exact feeling of offness of the church environment#that i felt so strongly and yet could not explain as a child'#<< my general feelings on midnight mass#I HOPE U LIKE IT. i feel really normal about the scene where riley drinks out of the chalice in episode 5#youll know it when u see it <3#asks#friends!!!#anachronistic-falsehood
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Hmm reading Given author's Haikyuu work while Tek it by Cafuné plays
#the vibes are good#'finding the sos signals i stealthily sent out' UGH THEYRE SO#when reading the world seems to feel like everything is okay#washing comfort over me fitted like a glove#the composition the wording it's perfect conveys all it means to convey so well#the domesticity?? UGHHH#about them living in that town#that's the title lol#haikyuu#iwaoi#manga#and ofc the immaculate art style and angle choice i forgot to mention but rlly great as well#god i love this sm#i dont get them sometimes especially when accounting my environment but theyre still cute#'there won't be anyone else. ever. we'll share this loneliness' GHFJDJ#THAT ONE PANEL IN PHOTOBOOM REACTION OF HIRO AND MATTSUN UFHDJND#HIS GOAL ON THE WAY DOWN GOD I AM AB TO MELT LORD WHEN#I just noticed Iwa removed his gloves to hold Oikawa's face girlll#sashikizu
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I'm so scares of the volunteer roles due to lack of confidence 🫠
So the food serving thingy has two roles: cooking/prepping food, and writing orders and keeping track of who got food.
The first I'm not very confident in but would like to try eventually. The second one is compared to another kind of volunteer role, which is greeting ppls at the food bank and maybe serving stuff if requested and just helping ppl out in front of the building/outside. It says strong customer service skills are necessary for the role as well as being able to work with a diverse amount of ppl 🥺
And I would wanna do that if it's similar to the other one if it'll help me out, since the food serving thing is only two other ppl helping out the manager. But I have no experience with customer service and my social skills are SHOT! Also de-escalation and understanding of trauma are mentioned as helpful for the role 🥲 Idk if I'm good with de-escalation, best I could do was my family and even then they RLLY liked to NOT LISTEN to me when I gave em advice to calm down (like separating physically while they were both pissed off--I swear mom was rlly immature about it when I was trying to help my bro because HE IS A CHILD!!). And trauma. I mean I have *experience* but do I know how to handle **others** with trauma? No, no not rlly 🥲
Hhhhhh telling myself I just need to jump into it. Doesn't help that I watched a bartending video thing. Sink or swim. I'm so scared of sinking ;-; I'm scared of if they see me as pathetic and useless despite it being a volunteer thing!!
Fuck I just need to like. Work on the days that they're not serving ppl, not open to the public. So 3 specific days. And then I need to go from that to working on days that ARE busy, but I'm still not interacting with the public public yet. And then I need to ease into working with the public via the front of house roles. And then I can do whatever I want at that point ig-
God I want to start doing stuff now but I can't because I haven't been told if I need to do anything specific 🥺 I have shifts scheduled for after the event, bc it's in a week, and that's for the one role I feel like is probably rlly easy? Probably? And I just. Hhhh. The most info I have actually comes from a training video for a semi-unrelated role, bc it shows what I assume is made/left by the role I signed up for?
Hhhhh a lot. A lot is going on rn. A lot of serious planning and preparation and I'm trying really hard to not be a tight little ball of rubber bands (incredibly stressed out) about it. But it's hard not to. Especially when half of my stress comes from my roommate(s).
Fuck I just. Need to wait. Because that's what EVERYONE says. That things take time. I just need to wait for the time to do these things. Wait.
As if that hasn't been detrimental to me my entire life.
#sepiasys.txt#I'm so so so scared man I need. I need to like. choose other roles TwT As much as I/we RLLY wanna work with ppls; we need to get USED to#other people FIRST. Its hard to deal with other people as someone who is autistic and was shut in 24/7 (not entirely by choice until it was)#Back of house to front of house to hot food. It sounds so simple but it's really not. and I have to walk there in shitty shoes but its. fine#Study study study study I need to study the training videos again again again again#AAAAAGH I hate this I hate society I hate life and existing like a normal person BECAUSE I'M NOT T-T#But it's so easy to mask It's so easy to feel like I've never been stressed out or anxious at all when I'm there because that's always how#it goes with me. Going to a new therapist? Anxious bc alone. Actual therapy? fine. good even maybe. go home? decompress.#Going to a job interview? Jittery and nervous and pissed off and everything. Actually doing it? Jittery in one place but otherwise perfectly#fine! atleast emotionally. Ig. idk. AFTER interview? Go home and try to calm down and chill out w/a reward for myself to help.#It's always fine DURING and I try to tell myself that. Try to say remember that I'm in the moment!! And IN THE MOMENT things turn fine!!#But it doesn't really rid me of my anxiety. It just gets. blocked out. I would say masked but I genuinely feel it at minimal levels to zero#God why do I have to be built like this why is this how I function why does the rubber bands just get thrown into a box while we play w/smth#else temporarily before pulling the rubber bands out again? Why do I we have to be anxious and stressed until we're not and just#Why do emotions have to be so fucking stupid and weird and like a fucking light switch all the time#I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE NORMAL PEOPLE I HATE THIS STUPID SOCIETY WE LIVE IN SO MUCH AND I JUST WISH I COULD STAY ALIVE AND EVEN LIVE#WITHOUT HAVING TO DO ALL THE STUPID SHIT YOU'RE EXPECTED TO DO AND EVEN SHAMED FOR NOT DOING OR NOT BEING ABLE TO DO#I hate it so much. God I want to fucking die in a HOLE. I'm so tired of this shit (I'm not 🦊 I'm just. crashing out? Idk but I'm like. havin#g a bad time and it's just kinda like lashing out in my depression spiral or whatever this is. idk. If u saw me physically you'd see how#depressed I look/feel. (and maybe empty too bc yk. But still).#OK RANT OVER I'm gonna go draw something :3 Or maybe try and figure out what was written from before (IW) even if it doesn't end up working
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