#it doesnt matter how hard i try
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#i hate when people at work ask me how im doing#like my dude the only thing keeping me from ending it all rn#is the fact that if i killed myself right now itd completely ruin christmas for my siblings#but i cant say that and it just feels like a joke. that i have to smile until the end#even if im at my breaking point#ive just come to realize that it doesnt matter what i do#it doesnt matter how hard i try#i finally left an abusive household and for what#for me to be threatened with losing my job and livelihood#and for my means of transportation to decide now is the time to die#which drains me of the money i need to stay housed#and the sad part of this is that i was doing this all for my partners so they could finally be happy#only for me now to realize they would be better off without me#they could have gotten a cheaper apartment if i wasnt there#they wouldnt have to worry about apartments that allow pets if i wasnt there#if i died a long time ago nobody would have to waste their time worrying about a lost cause like me#because whatever deity that is out there has decided that they hate me#and i cant blame them because i hate me too#im the one who is selfish enough to want to stay#so i can experience being loved so i can experience joy and freedom#i want it all and i want to finally live in. at least comfort if i cant have bliss#but its clear that kind of life isnt in the cards for me#its clear that im never going to be happy and that im always going to be preparing for the next disaster#that uproots my life completely and forces me to build everything from the ground up#only for it all to be shattered again and for me to stare down the shards of my hard work at my feet#im so tired of it. im sick of it all. i just want peace#and if the only way i can get peace is to die then maybe thats what needs to happen#emil chatter#negative //
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I won't be able to finish this drawing before the convention, which will take up my next 5 days.. But I want to talk a little about him.. I've been thinking about golems and Frankenstein, and the trans body, projection and misunderstanding, villainization and death.
The concepts of Frankenstein's monster and the golem have been swimming in my head for a while, and their lore intertwining.. The tragedy of existing being seen as a monster no matter how you try,.. And the Golem, a protector of his people and a servant whose only flaw always rang a bit close to home as an an autistic person-- being too literal in execution of his orders. He's tired and struggles with a yearning for death. His havdalah candles will be out.. The first flame of the week, a spark of starting over again-- The flame brings him fear. As much as he's kept himself together he doesn't know how much longer he can keep doing it, he fears failure- but the fear of what may happen if he's gone is even more terrifying. He's lived a long life, and over time the one who formed him has sculpted him to the golem's own wishes.. From nothing to the man he is- but even with that effort, to outsiders he's still a monster. His skin is different shades of clays from varying riverbeds as his people have travelled.. Golems are unformed, imperfect.. but even as outsides can be polished the insides can still be broken
#i have a million thoughts on him but will only put a little ramble i guess#jewish art#trans art#you ever think about how no matter how hard you try as a trans person at the end of the day a large amount of people will still see you#as trans. doesnt matter how acceptable you look#the same thing is with jewishness for me.. it's been like a damage multiplier on top of transness.#it doesnt matter how nice i try to be or how caring. it doesnt matter how many good things i do im still a jew to a large amount of people#even within the queer community haha :') ive felt it so often in queer communities here.#this little guy is gonna be where i store that experience as a trans jew. it goes in the frankengolem#i like the thought of frankenstein's fear of fire being incorporated into him in his fear of both rest and havdalah..#he doesnt feel safe to rest. he dreads the new week. his entire life he spends in dread even if he wants to protect his loved ones#gently pats the top of his head.. this boy's autistic#long text#bare chest#death#cw death#tw death#just in case
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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Do you see my vision
#my dc posting#my art#dc#jason todd#red hood#transfem jason todd#transwoman jason todd#trans fem jason todd#trans woman jason todd#its always so weird when uve made a character trans. and then u gotta use their canon name for tagging#i feel like im deadnaming her even tho i havent come up w a name yet#the lazarus pit gives spontaneous transition. even if u havent realized ur trans yet#i feel like itd be hard to become a respected n feared n succesful crime lord if she presented as female. because of the 'sogony.#so she can have a lil perry the platypus style shit goin on w a voice modifier in the helmet#also coming back as a woman would make batman less likely to connect her w his dead 'son'. so.#idk. i dont actually have a fully formed au or timeline in mind i just find it easier to draw women#its more of a psychological thing where if im in the headspace of 'this is a woman' it becomes just easier to draw the body#🤷 it is how it is ig#censored bc tumblr's a bitch n really it doesnt matter#i had a post w like 1 note that was literally just 'i dont think [insert name] is a good name for a transfem version of [insert character]'#and it got labelled Mature by tumblr so i figured might as well not even try n be Modest and shit w the way tumblr's fuckin it up rn#anyway shoutout to Daughter of Dragons by thispatternismine for the inspiration#...how does all that hair fit comfortably inside the helmet?#ah. hmm. well that is. it sure is a question! that i will not be answering.#jason todd fanart#dc fanart
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SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD
#i rise from the dead once again!!#sorry about the long periods of time in between me posting#school is absolutely kicking my ass right now and i havent had any time to draw the creatures :(#ive also just been feeling unsatisfied with my art as of late#its probably just too much time online looking at other peoples art making me feel bad about myself#even though im improving as fast as i can it doesnt feel like im getting any better#but i know from experience that that feeling doesnt go away with time#so i guess ill always see flaws in my art no matter how hard i try to get better#man. that got really depressing :/#anyways SAGE!!! i love her she is my favorite of all time and im going to draw her so much yall dont even KNOW :D#ive got tons of other stuff planned too so watch out >:3#i could hit you guys with 6 paragraphs of au lore any day now#sonic the hedgehog#sage robotnik#AWWWHHHGG SHE HAS HER OWN LITTLE TAG IM SOBBING#anyways#sage sonic#hatsune miku#i guess#whoof im scared to post this#or maybe im just exhausted#probably both :/
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i'll bring these out to the public actually
#clemspaint#clemart#ttcc#toontown corporate clash#lil oldman#mac opsys#maintagged dont care we die like men#i think itd be really funny if they somehow knew each other#or you could even say be related somehow. both are funny situations to me. doesnt matter how.#since lil oldman is related to YOTT / the elders and I imagine there isnt a lot of technology andthen mac is yknow. entirely related to tec#also they both have some sort of connections to sellbots. lil oldman with minglers and mac with brian#also both cool-colored rabbits. Macs purple and Lil Oldman is technically a slate blue but my mind always reads it as a blue purple#i like to play around with the idea but i never actually do anything with it because i feel like thatd be crazy but my friend liked the ide#so i figure other people will as well. my visions.#these are kind of cornplating correlations that i feel can be easily explained away and hold no correlations to each other but#its the coincidences that are fun#if youre crazy and try hard enough you can compare almost any character#if theres one thing ive learned through the years its that
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I'm gonna compile some info from trusted sources on the current H5N1(Bird Flu) situation(mostly as a means to calm myself down) but rn I am seeing a LOT of people who just tuned into this on other sites who are confused and outraged that the us government has basically been doing fuck-all to contain this properly, and I just wanna say if you're one of those people rightfully asking what the fuck is going on, now would be a great time to start contacting your representatives and the White House and idk the fucking CDC and demand they actually do what they can with the time they have to stop this from getting worse, because god knows the Trump Admin. is probably going to operate on a platform of "let it rip" which, if this virus is as bad as it has the potential to be, will be fucking catastrophic.
Dont panic yet, we aren't at the "Oh God Fucking Panic" stage right now(contrary to what the fearmongers on Twitter are saying we do not have any proof of H2H spread atm, in fact we have more proof showing it hasn't gone H2H than anything) but it's a good idea to speak out while you can. Demand action.
Also get your covid booster and flu shot ASAP and stock up on masks(K/N95s are the best but 2020 proved that any mask is better than none for the flu) and air filters if you can. Get used to wearing a mask again, stay home if you're sick if you can and if you can't at least mask and keep your distance from others. If you have important doctors appointments or medical procedures you've been putting off now is the time to do them. We're not at "panic" but we are very much at "prepare". Especially knowing who is about to be in charge of all this.
#also I am trying so fucking hard to not get conspiracy brained about this but the fact that the Biden Admin#did everything they could to minimize and ignore this until Nov 6th when things ramped up has me like...#bro did you seriously put us in a possible pandemic with the worst fucking possible person in charge to try to not hurt#Kamala's chances in the election? bcs that's how it looks!!#but regardless the reason doesnt matter#actions matter and we should focus on those
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i for one would love to hear the remainder of ur thoughts on maggie tozier…
EEEE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!! This means so much coming from you Kat 😭
okay a few things to note before i begin
This is a lot
Its a lot of me redoing her from the ground up, her personality, her looks, her background, her relationships etc, etc.
So just know, im taking like a thousand creative liberties with this
To begin i based her looks on the character Deirdre Barlow from an old brit soap opera called Coronation Street.
I imagine she literally looks like her kids, they get almost 90% of her genes and look like mini versions of her. Though she perms her hair to fit in with the trends, and tv has sold her a bunch of at-home perm styling kits. She's got pronounced jowls like Richie does, he probably has her wide nose too. Her fashion is very on brand for the time with lots of sweaters and jeans and big clunky jewelry.
I always imagined, much like every little homo, Richie got a lot of his fashion from his mama..
and cartoons.
She's average height, and probably is on and off diets but never takes it too seriously. Besides she enjoys baking and is always trying some recipe she saw Julia Childs make. She's kind of a stocky woman, it just runs in the family to be sorta squarish and have this bulldog look to them.
As for personality i personally never cared for Kings description of her as a kind of wishy washy woman who cried at everything Richie did or said.
For me i liked to think someone like Richie needs a mom who matches his energy and can take on his rambunctiousness. Even if it takes grabbing him by the ear and dragging him back inside to get a verbal slashing. She's not overly dominant or strict, just used to Richie always mucking up mud and knows how to rear him back even if he still embarrasses her in public sometimes with his trashmouth. I mentioned this before but i see Maggie as one of the, if not ONLY, better parental figures in the loser club. She genuinely cares about Richies friends because of how few and far between there is. Any kid in her house is her kid, she feeds and provides a safe place for anyone he brings home. Even if she doesn't understand some of their interests, or lingo, or fashion statements, or music. She's a moms mom, always referring to any kid as 'hon' 'baby' or 'sweetheart.' She can be fun and doesn't take anything toooo seriously, but she still cares about appearances. She's like an average sitcom mom who wants to look like a good mom and have a normal family with a happy life. She's also, a giant dork.
Much like her son, she too is kind of a loser. She's got that Tozier awkwardness, always making jokes where there shouldn't be, laughing too loudly/obnoxiously, always making references to pop culture even if nobody in the room has a clue what they're referring to. She doesnt really have a lot of friends 😭
She definitely tried, oh my god did she try. She would bake goodies and strap baby Richie into one of those backpack carriers and go around the neighborhood trying to introduce herself and her stinky ugly baby. And it was hard, Derrys an old, OLD small town. Backwards, judgmental, harsh, hateful. Unfortunately she just wasn't that privy with the other moms around her. But she desperately wanted to be, being a stay at home mom is lonely work. She dreamt of just being that sitcom housewife that makes the perfect dinner and snaps her fingers to clean the house in an instant and talks, and talks, and talks on the phone. She wants in on the mom gossip. She wants to be apart of a community SO badly.
Sonia is one of her few mom friends and even then that's more of a obligated friendship, their only common interests being their children and television. She kind of finds Sonia annoying and doesn't approve of her parenting methods, always rolling her eyes when the phone rings while Eddies staying the night, knowing its some new task she'll have to force the boy to do. Though she enjoys that Sonia will listen to her blabber, even if shes probably just sitting and watching tv while Maggie drones on about this and that and giving an assuring "uh huh" as a sign of life. Maggie's such a tv head too, i love to think she enjoys watching Cheers the most along with various soap operas and game shows. Her family bonds over tv with tv dinners on tv stands while they parrot tv quotes at each other. She probably has to shoo Richie away whenever Cheers is on, needing time to debrief and mumble to herself about Dianes complicated romances. And shes got a crush on Fraiser, god you and your mom have crushes on wimpy mama boys in suits lordd
I based a lot of her personality on Calvins mom from Calvin and Hobbes
I played around a bit with her background. I know she's depicted as Catholic but i always imagined she grew up Jewish, only quitting the practice when she and Went got married. Her views on religion are mixed, not wanting to really skew her children in any direction, but celebrating Christmas to fit in with everyone else in Derry. Not that it really helped because she never took them to church. Evil bastard child and her half demon brother whos annoying. Her and her parents relationship are a bit if not totally strained, they probably disapproved of Went back when they first met as teens. Their reasons were based mostly on Wents social status, but they were also just very critical of Maggie and every choice she made. She always felt suffocated by her parents and Went just made her feel clear and airy. Though it was mostly puppy love that kept them together at the time, their love would continue to blossom over the years as they got older and older. They truly loved each other.
I had this whole idea that he and Maggie were young lovers at 18, falling in love like it was the movies as they hid it from their parents. But she would end up pregnant with Rachel like REALLY early on, and it would kind of "ruin" any "plans" they had of running off together and going to some local college while Went worked. Which only added more strain to her and her parents relationship as they went off to have a small shot-gun wedding at a courthouse. Only able to afford a dress and flowers at the time, but she still looks back at it fondly and probably passed her dress on to Rachel later in life. She is still in contact with her parents but only rarely do they go visit, Richie hates the smell of his grandpa and always tries to rile them up by doing impressions of Mickey Mouse.
She's one of the youngest mothers in Derry, only making her more of an outcast in the judging eyes of others, but she loves her kids more than she ever felt she was loved as a child. She always wanted a girl, just enjoyed shopping for one and bonding with one and brushing their hair and decorating their room and doing their nails and makeup together. She adored Rachel, she was exactly what she dreamed of when she thought of raising a little girl. Their relationship is really close even if Rachel began to pull away towards her teen years. (I have SO many ideas for her as well 😭)
Much like her, Richie was a surprise/accident. She never really imagined herself caring for a boy and found it a bit more difficult, especially since their age gap is a bit wide. But even through her rolling eyes and yelling Richies full government name when she finds her nightgown cut with eyeholes in it for his ghost costume, she loves her son.
Their relationship is VERY much like Linda and Gene. While she doesnt care much for Richies crude humor and snappy quips, she cant help but hide a smile sometimes when she hears him and Rachel bickering back and forth. She genuinely thinks her son is really funny, just needs to tone it down a notch sometimes and not be the loudest voice in the room. God, shes probably taken him to talent shows at school. Tying Wents best looking polkadot tie around his neck while he nervously flips through his note cards, getting his glasses all sweaty as he quietly asks if maybe they, um, can just go home instead. And she'd sigh and clean his stupid thick glasses for him and tell him hes going to do wonderful. "You're funny Richie, real funny." And when she see's him waddle up onto the stage, nervous, scared, and tiny. Her smile would be bigger than her heart, having to flash him a healthy thumbs up to boost his little confidence. But of course he would fumble, sputtering every joke, never getting to the punchline, or getting their too early, and he'd be too quiet for the people in the back to even hear him. And Maggie would be the only one clapping, the loudest she can too. That's her funny guy. She lets him cry to her and wipes his tears with her sleeve. She never bought into the way most moms treat their sons, she wanted Richie to grow up loving someone with his full heart. Even if it means she coddles him sometimes.
And her and Went have a very loving relationship, very average and kind of mundane in a sweet way. They're very genuine, Wents sort of a passive guy who listens to his wife nightly rants about her day and enjoys it. He loves her more than his vocabulary allows him. Simple guy, loves his wife, laughs when his kids curse at each other, works wayyyy too much.
God this family
I think that's the brunt of my thoughts, most of my ideas are just small little things that add to her greater personality. I also loooove parental parallels so there's always tiny shit between her, Richie, and Rachel even.
In chapter 2 i think she's still alive, Went died from liver cancer a bit into Richies 30s (Toziers are kind of functional alcoholics.) So now she resides in Florida, where Richie bought her a nice home near the beach. He doesn't visit, or call that often which depresses her a little. But she understands, plus Rachel still often comes by with her children to visit and catch up.
I have list long notes on all the Toziers, they're genuinely one of my favorite fictional families and i literally highjacked them and made them my own 😭
OH! and i imagine she's got a collection of antique clown decorations. Vases, paintings, statues, gnomes, you name it. It's why Richies not very fond of them. Or going into her room much.
Tldr; Your mamas a loser like you
#She genuinely means the world to me#I try to give her a lot of micro complexities that makes her more dynamic and yknow#an actual character#Like of course she loves and cares for her son#but if he told her that some killer clown monster that shape shifts and called him a queer tried to eat his face off#i mean would you believe him#She would be worried for sure but more worried that maybee letting him see The Thing wasnt such a good idea#Or The Rocky Horror Picture show#oh and of course she knows his little secret#duh every mom knows that#maybe not fully but shes got an idea about him#a mother always knows#and she will always support her children know matter who they choose to be#maybe not assholes though she taught them better than that#She probably doesnt wish for him to BE gay though#not because of any of her own prejudices or bigotry against it#but because shes not stupid#shes known Richie has already had a hard life#hes not exactly a beloved football star quarterback that all the cheerleaders follow around#shes aware of how hard it is for him out there in this ugly town#she just doesnt want one more thing weighing him down#maggie tozier#it#it stephen king#it 2017#richie tozier#ask box
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Should be given the right to carry on I'm still thinking about how much I need you but you really want somebody else...
#sky ferreira#songs that break me into pieces#night time my time#should be given the right to carry on.... ffs that line kills me its been 6 months and im still so fucking broken#it doesnt matter how hard i try and how hard i fight#you're always on my mind#and im still so sad to think that i upset the most important person in my life
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so, i have a new movie/fictional guy to obsess over - in my defense, my friend dragged me into this fandom
#my art#art#finished art#fanart#traditional drawing#traditional sketch#traditional art#dps#dead poets society#dps fanart#dead poets society fanart#steven meeks#stephen meeks#steven meeks fanart#stephen meeks fanart#meeks#dps meeks#*looks at the guys from my class* steven meeks would never act like that#tfw you love a character so much but you suck at drawing them 💔#i cannot for the love of god get meeks' eyes right no matter how hard i try. im a failure of an artist#still doesnt stop from trying my best - ill continue practicing (digitally) over the weekend but no promises#i tried to draw the study group + radio making scene without a reference in class... always use a reference kids dont be stubborn like me#anyway#enjoy the burnt food#<3
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i dont know what it is but theres Something about this being the first question faulkner hears after a suicide attempt.
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#the silt verses#just the sheer dehumanization of it#i dont know how exact the comparison is#but it Reminds me of all the times people's first responses would be#''well you clearly didnt try hard enough'' in response to an attempt#just. you know.#being an object to be discarded where your life doesnt really matter#only what it means to other people and what they get out of it
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Does anyone else get the thing of like you're already so obsessed with something that you're like it would probably be good if I was less obsessed with this / I need to shut up about this but at the same time you constantly find yourself thinking I have Got to get more obsessed with this. I have Got to get more obsessed
#its the thing of like i really want to spend more time on this but also i feel like i shouldnt spend all my time on it so i try to reel it#in but im not particularly good at doing that anyway so i really am like i should just say fuck it and immerse myself even more however#its hard because the more i do that the harder it is to reign it in when i do actually need to#but theres so much i want to research and learn and also do and spend time on where im like i have Got to dedicate more of my time to this#while at the same time being like this is already taking up so much of my time but also because i worry that it is i end up wasting a lot o#time that i could be spending getting more obsessed with this thing. soooo idk but i dont know if that makes sense#its like how im also really bad at working on music becsuse i know when i sit down i will lose several hours so i avoid it but then i end u#not playing music...but i would be happier if i let myself just lose myself in it but then idk. im bad at like Setting aside time for thing#its always all or nothing which is frustrating!!!!! but its like my worry is i wont be productive in other ways but im not anyways so#it doesnt actually matter... sooooo yeah i have Got to get weirder . i have got to just let myself get weirder asap#i think this is also part of the late diagnosis thing of i spent my Entire life forcibly repressing my interests and cutting myself off fro#them after being told i need to. but actually i can just be weird but its really hard to let yourself do that without shame but it is#unjustified in this instance therefore i should take the opposite action and just keep doing it sooo im gonna do that. bye!#i am gonna go listen to bootlegs for approximately 5 hours
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#ive been on the grind at work for the past month and a half to make sure they would keep MY intern#we had a disastrous string of interns recently. like DISASTROUS the last one did criminal shit lol.#and we've got two at the same time and they keep being like “UGH WE CANT KEEP THE TWO FINANCIALLY” even tho. they can.#and they were seriously planning to replace two senior positions with ONE intern. anyways whatever#my boss started HATING my intern on DAY ONE for no fucking reason. and kept trying to get us to shittalk her basically.#and the other intern is a bootlicker so i was sure they would just keep her and kick out my intern. which doesnt even matter bc we need bot#so i started spreading rumors about how this and that person were gonna quit if they didnt keep the interns bc of the workload#and i got everyone to lie on the evaluation grids we have to give back for the interns#and as a last ditch effort started talking to a manager about how i had proof the boss had a personal vendetta against her#bc several ex employees went to court against my boss and shes terrified of it happening again#and WELL they're keeping my intern ^_^#SO YIPPEE MY JOB HERE IS DONE. IT'S NOT HONEST WORK BUT IT'S HARD WORK.#rambling
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the thing is ranpo is a really sherlock-like character (as in, sherlock holmes as a concept) and i think that dazai as this morally ambiguous vigilante working in the shadows doing the bad thing for the bigger good is a Concept tm. hi lena. in this essay i will
YESSS HI!! ranpo as the greatest detective who only solves cases he gives af about, is attracted to the thrill of mystery, and you present him with lord of crime dazai. someone who not only is able to keep up with him but actively keeps him on his toes. souheki already both have great admiration for the other in canon and id love to see them on opposite sides. also theyre the kings of sexy eye contact sorry not sorry
also. minoura as lestrade is funny to me. and yosano as john watson because 1) doctors 2) besties with sherlock/ranpo HELL YEAH
im a bit torn on who would play who in the lord of crime group but i believe kyouka as like a silent messenger kind of girl, tanizaki as king of disguises (cause light snow lol walk with me), fukuzawa as jack the ripper etc etc would be fun!!
#i used to think oh sherliam as fyozai but i cant picture fyodor working as either lord of crime or greatest detective#his personality doesnt work like that no matter how hard i try to bend it#god. i wanna write a fic so bad#asks#ela <3#moriarty the patriot#bsd#souheki
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Tangentially related to some of the discussion i posted earlier but quiet literally the first RW Art Month i participated I did it completely on whim like, one day before it started. And I mostly did it because I hadn't drawn a ton of rain world and wanted to draw more. Fandom presence was a lot smaller than and I was one of a handful of artists who did the entire thing. Fast forward and I still do Art Month and I've gotten to work with VC directly. But it was quite literally something I decided to do completely on whim that set the ball rolling, and for something a lil more niche and certainly with a lot more dev/fandom art involvement than most. It's really random how and why you might get noticed more than usual, especially with the "toss it into the search and hope it pays out' mechanism of Socmed
#t.extpost#and im hardly the fanciest art month artist out there so it wasnt even about being a jaw droppingly talented artist or whatever#and while artmonth for rw is still given a huge focus its also a much much bigger thing now with a much bigger number of participants#which is cool! its awesome how many people i saw do most if not all of last art month! and VC is really good about not just repping the#most popular artists or fanciest pieces#but theres So Much More there now and while its great for finding artists its also impossible to get Everyone in there you know?#Although they absolutely try#And this is like. one of the most fanartist involved devs ive ever seen in terms of both celebrating the art their fans make and actively#bringing those fans in to contribute#and its /still/ hard to get going just because thats how Posting is#i used to be more of a hk artist which is both a huge fandom and riddled with stunning artists but theres So Many#and niche fandoms are niche so youre more likely to connect with people but less likely to see a ton of engagement regularly -#probably best example i have for that was being briefly fixated on patapon.#Its just messy to try and find the hack that sets you up#just have fun and jump around and make what you like#get a sense of feeling for your style and some people will stick around for that vs. strictly the subject matter#others will look up the thing you switched too and some wont engage#you cant really control it#so have fun and draw that thing you randomly thought about at 2 am that doesnt match your blog#draw for that forgotten rpg you liked when you were 15 or draw for the 70 player max steam game you played for this week#you never really know what will happen#but its not really worth worrying about what will happen either
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