#it doesnt matter how hard i try
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daffodi1 · 1 year ago
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#i hate when people at work ask me how im doing#like my dude the only thing keeping me from ending it all rn#is the fact that if i killed myself right now itd completely ruin christmas for my siblings#but i cant say that and it just feels like a joke. that i have to smile until the end#even if im at my breaking point#ive just come to realize that it doesnt matter what i do#it doesnt matter how hard i try#i finally left an abusive household and for what#for me to be threatened with losing my job and livelihood#and for my means of transportation to decide now is the time to die#which drains me of the money i need to stay housed#and the sad part of this is that i was doing this all for my partners so they could finally be happy#only for me now to realize they would be better off without me#they could have gotten a cheaper apartment if i wasnt there#they wouldnt have to worry about apartments that allow pets if i wasnt there#if i died a long time ago nobody would have to waste their time worrying about a lost cause like me#because whatever deity that is out there has decided that they hate me#and i cant blame them because i hate me too#im the one who is selfish enough to want to stay#so i can experience being loved so i can experience joy and freedom#i want it all and i want to finally live in. at least comfort if i cant have bliss#but its clear that kind of life isnt in the cards for me#its clear that im never going to be happy and that im always going to be preparing for the next disaster#that uproots my life completely and forces me to build everything from the ground up#only for it all to be shattered again and for me to stare down the shards of my hard work at my feet#im so tired of it. im sick of it all. i just want peace#and if the only way i can get peace is to die then maybe thats what needs to happen#emil chatter#negative //
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iliothermia · 1 year ago
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I won't be able to finish this drawing before the convention, which will take up my next 5 days.. But I want to talk a little about him.. I've been thinking about golems and Frankenstein, and the trans body, projection and misunderstanding, villainization and death.
The concepts of Frankenstein's monster and the golem have been swimming in my head for a while, and their lore intertwining.. The tragedy of existing being seen as a monster no matter how you try,.. And the Golem, a protector of his people and a servant whose only flaw always rang a bit close to home as an an autistic person-- being too literal in execution of his orders. He's tired and struggles with a yearning for death. His havdalah candles will be out.. The first flame of the week, a spark of starting over again-- The flame brings him fear. As much as he's kept himself together he doesn't know how much longer he can keep doing it, he fears failure- but the fear of what may happen if he's gone is even more terrifying. He's lived a long life, and over time the one who formed him has sculpted him to the golem's own wishes.. From nothing to the man he is- but even with that effort, to outsiders he's still a monster. His skin is different shades of clays from varying riverbeds as his people have travelled.. Golems are unformed, imperfect.. but even as outsides can be polished the insides can still be broken
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deoidesign · 4 months ago
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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dukeofthomas · 7 months ago
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Do you see my vision
#my dc posting#my art#dc#jason todd#red hood#transfem jason todd#transwoman jason todd#trans fem jason todd#trans woman jason todd#its always so weird when uve made a character trans. and then u gotta use their canon name for tagging#i feel like im deadnaming her even tho i havent come up w a name yet#the lazarus pit gives spontaneous transition. even if u havent realized ur trans yet#i feel like itd be hard to become a respected n feared n succesful crime lord if she presented as female. because of the 'sogony.#so she can have a lil perry the platypus style shit goin on w a voice modifier in the helmet#also coming back as a woman would make batman less likely to connect her w his dead 'son'. so.#idk. i dont actually have a fully formed au or timeline in mind i just find it easier to draw women#its more of a psychological thing where if im in the headspace of 'this is a woman' it becomes just easier to draw the body#🤷 it is how it is ig#censored bc tumblr's a bitch n really it doesnt matter#i had a post w like 1 note that was literally just 'i dont think [insert name] is a good name for a transfem version of [insert character]'#and it got labelled Mature by tumblr so i figured might as well not even try n be Modest and shit w the way tumblr's fuckin it up rn#anyway shoutout to Daughter of Dragons by thispatternismine for the inspiration#...how does all that hair fit comfortably inside the helmet?#ah. hmm. well that is. it sure is a question! that i will not be answering.#jason todd fanart#dc fanart
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aether-weather · 1 year ago
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SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD
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st4rstudent · 9 months ago
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i'll bring these out to the public actually
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gomzdrawfr · 1 year ago
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coping
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risingsunresistance · 1 month ago
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sorry him saying he has no idea where the misogyny thing comes from when ludwig just talked about how he sent him a big apology for calling his friend a whore when it was about THE WRONG WOMAN is funny as fuck
i dont think he realizes that the reason no one gives a shit about his apologies and honestly just straight up ignores them is because EVEN IN THE EVENT THAT THEY ARE TRUE he's been proven to lie soooooo many times to the point where you really cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth. he says something and im like "damn maybe i was wrong about that one... i'll look into it" and you get more info and go "oh. he just made that part up. and misworded that. and lied about that part... oh it was actually WORSE than i initially thought!"
#im sure tommy has done some dumb shit#i am MUCH more likely to believe he can change and grow as a person than you can 🧍#im willing to stick by him and watch him become a better person and own up to his mistakes#i have been trying so hard to see the good in you for like 4 years now and i just. cant. every time i think i might be wrong im right again#i HATE to bring it back to this bc it's such a non-issue and not very relevant but#the speedrun issue really was where he showed his true colors#the actual subject here doesnt matter im talking about the way he handled it. im still pissed off all this time later i'll never get over i#he cheats. BLATANTLY cheats. gets proven. sends his mob after the mods. denies everything#hires someone with all this money he has to say he didnt cheat (BUT THE GUY NEVER EVEN SAYS THAT HE JUST CLAIMS THE GUY SAYS IT)#(BC HE DOESNT EXPECT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY READ THIS DOC HE THINKS HIS SUMMARY IS ALL THAT MATTERS)#finds out he did cheat But On Accident (supposedly)#DOESNT SAY SHIT FOR MONTHS AND LETS EVERYONE CONTINUE TO HARASS THE MODS. GEO IS SUICIDAL#and then does a stream where he's like haha hey guys so umm i did an oopsie 😝 but i didnt cheat this isnt cheating it's just. lying!#anyways it doesnt matter bc this was so fun and i had a blast making content :) and besides it isnt a big deal anyways it's just a game :)#months of harassment didnt affect ME so you should be fine :D was a lot of fun thx guys :)#THAT SHIT was where i lost all respect for him#THAT was where i saw this same pattern every damn time#doesnt matter how big or small the issue is it's the same damn thing every single time#even when you're right. you've destroyed all your credibility by continuing this behavior!#yeah you're valid in thinking tommy downplaying your videos is just mean but. frankly i dont give a fuck!#you're probably right about a few other things too and again i just dont care!! he can change and grow and you never will!!!#i'm willing to give him a chance. you've had PLEEEEENTY of chances and havent taken a single one#chat#discourse#i guess? idk this is the only angry rant i'll do. i feel bad might as well add to it lmao
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lastoneout · 3 months ago
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I'm gonna compile some info from trusted sources on the current H5N1(Bird Flu) situation(mostly as a means to calm myself down) but rn I am seeing a LOT of people who just tuned into this on other sites who are confused and outraged that the us government has basically been doing fuck-all to contain this properly, and I just wanna say if you're one of those people rightfully asking what the fuck is going on, now would be a great time to start contacting your representatives and the White House and idk the fucking CDC and demand they actually do what they can with the time they have to stop this from getting worse, because god knows the Trump Admin. is probably going to operate on a platform of "let it rip" which, if this virus is as bad as it has the potential to be, will be fucking catastrophic.
Dont panic yet, we aren't at the "Oh God Fucking Panic" stage right now(contrary to what the fearmongers on Twitter are saying we do not have any proof of H2H spread atm, in fact we have more proof showing it hasn't gone H2H than anything) but it's a good idea to speak out while you can. Demand action.
Also get your covid booster and flu shot ASAP and stock up on masks(K/N95s are the best but 2020 proved that any mask is better than none for the flu) and air filters if you can. Get used to wearing a mask again, stay home if you're sick if you can and if you can't at least mask and keep your distance from others. If you have important doctors appointments or medical procedures you've been putting off now is the time to do them. We're not at "panic" but we are very much at "prepare". Especially knowing who is about to be in charge of all this.
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p1zzaparty · 2 months ago
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i for one would love to hear the remainder of ur thoughts on maggie tozier…
EEEE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!! This means so much coming from you Kat 😭
okay a few things to note before i begin
This is a lot
Its a lot of me redoing her from the ground up, her personality, her looks, her background, her relationships etc, etc.
So just know, im taking like a thousand creative liberties with this
To begin i based her looks on the character Deirdre Barlow from an old brit soap opera called Coronation Street.
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I imagine she literally looks like her kids, they get almost 90% of her genes and look like mini versions of her. Though she perms her hair to fit in with the trends, and tv has sold her a bunch of at-home perm styling kits. She's got pronounced jowls like Richie does, he probably has her wide nose too. Her fashion is very on brand for the time with lots of sweaters and jeans and big clunky jewelry.
I always imagined, much like every little homo, Richie got a lot of his fashion from his mama..
and cartoons.
She's average height, and probably is on and off diets but never takes it too seriously. Besides she enjoys baking and is always trying some recipe she saw Julia Childs make. She's kind of a stocky woman, it just runs in the family to be sorta squarish and have this bulldog look to them.
As for personality i personally never cared for Kings description of her as a kind of wishy washy woman who cried at everything Richie did or said.
For me i liked to think someone like Richie needs a mom who matches his energy and can take on his rambunctiousness. Even if it takes grabbing him by the ear and dragging him back inside to get a verbal slashing. She's not overly dominant or strict, just used to Richie always mucking up mud and knows how to rear him back even if he still embarrasses her in public sometimes with his trashmouth. I mentioned this before but i see Maggie as one of the, if not ONLY, better parental figures in the loser club. She genuinely cares about Richies friends because of how few and far between there is. Any kid in her house is her kid, she feeds and provides a safe place for anyone he brings home. Even if she doesn't understand some of their interests, or lingo, or fashion statements, or music. She's a moms mom, always referring to any kid as 'hon' 'baby' or 'sweetheart.' She can be fun and doesn't take anything toooo seriously, but she still cares about appearances. She's like an average sitcom mom who wants to look like a good mom and have a normal family with a happy life. She's also, a giant dork.
Much like her son, she too is kind of a loser. She's got that Tozier awkwardness, always making jokes where there shouldn't be, laughing too loudly/obnoxiously, always making references to pop culture even if nobody in the room has a clue what they're referring to. She doesnt really have a lot of friends 😭
She definitely tried, oh my god did she try. She would bake goodies and strap baby Richie into one of those backpack carriers and go around the neighborhood trying to introduce herself and her stinky ugly baby. And it was hard, Derrys an old, OLD small town. Backwards, judgmental, harsh, hateful. Unfortunately she just wasn't that privy with the other moms around her. But she desperately wanted to be, being a stay at home mom is lonely work. She dreamt of just being that sitcom housewife that makes the perfect dinner and snaps her fingers to clean the house in an instant and talks, and talks, and talks on the phone. She wants in on the mom gossip. She wants to be apart of a community SO badly.
Sonia is one of her few mom friends and even then that's more of a obligated friendship, their only common interests being their children and television. She kind of finds Sonia annoying and doesn't approve of her parenting methods, always rolling her eyes when the phone rings while Eddies staying the night, knowing its some new task she'll have to force the boy to do. Though she enjoys that Sonia will listen to her blabber, even if shes probably just sitting and watching tv while Maggie drones on about this and that and giving an assuring "uh huh" as a sign of life. Maggie's such a tv head too, i love to think she enjoys watching Cheers the most along with various soap operas and game shows. Her family bonds over tv with tv dinners on tv stands while they parrot tv quotes at each other. She probably has to shoo Richie away whenever Cheers is on, needing time to debrief and mumble to herself about Dianes complicated romances. And shes got a crush on Fraiser, god you and your mom have crushes on wimpy mama boys in suits lordd
I based a lot of her personality on Calvins mom from Calvin and Hobbes
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I played around a bit with her background. I know she's depicted as Catholic but i always imagined she grew up Jewish, only quitting the practice when she and Went got married. Her views on religion are mixed, not wanting to really skew her children in any direction, but celebrating Christmas to fit in with everyone else in Derry. Not that it really helped because she never took them to church. Evil bastard child and her half demon brother whos annoying. Her and her parents relationship are a bit if not totally strained, they probably disapproved of Went back when they first met as teens. Their reasons were based mostly on Wents social status, but they were also just very critical of Maggie and every choice she made. She always felt suffocated by her parents and Went just made her feel clear and airy. Though it was mostly puppy love that kept them together at the time, their love would continue to blossom over the years as they got older and older. They truly loved each other.
I had this whole idea that he and Maggie were young lovers at 18, falling in love like it was the movies as they hid it from their parents. But she would end up pregnant with Rachel like REALLY early on, and it would kind of "ruin" any "plans" they had of running off together and going to some local college while Went worked. Which only added more strain to her and her parents relationship as they went off to have a small shot-gun wedding at a courthouse. Only able to afford a dress and flowers at the time, but she still looks back at it fondly and probably passed her dress on to Rachel later in life. She is still in contact with her parents but only rarely do they go visit, Richie hates the smell of his grandpa and always tries to rile them up by doing impressions of Mickey Mouse.
She's one of the youngest mothers in Derry, only making her more of an outcast in the judging eyes of others, but she loves her kids more than she ever felt she was loved as a child. She always wanted a girl, just enjoyed shopping for one and bonding with one and brushing their hair and decorating their room and doing their nails and makeup together. She adored Rachel, she was exactly what she dreamed of when she thought of raising a little girl. Their relationship is really close even if Rachel began to pull away towards her teen years. (I have SO many ideas for her as well 😭)
Much like her, Richie was a surprise/accident. She never really imagined herself caring for a boy and found it a bit more difficult, especially since their age gap is a bit wide. But even through her rolling eyes and yelling Richies full government name when she finds her nightgown cut with eyeholes in it for his ghost costume, she loves her son.
Their relationship is VERY much like Linda and Gene. While she doesnt care much for Richies crude humor and snappy quips, she cant help but hide a smile sometimes when she hears him and Rachel bickering back and forth. She genuinely thinks her son is really funny, just needs to tone it down a notch sometimes and not be the loudest voice in the room. God, shes probably taken him to talent shows at school. Tying Wents best looking polkadot tie around his neck while he nervously flips through his note cards, getting his glasses all sweaty as he quietly asks if maybe they, um, can just go home instead. And she'd sigh and clean his stupid thick glasses for him and tell him hes going to do wonderful. "You're funny Richie, real funny." And when she see's him waddle up onto the stage, nervous, scared, and tiny. Her smile would be bigger than her heart, having to flash him a healthy thumbs up to boost his little confidence. But of course he would fumble, sputtering every joke, never getting to the punchline, or getting their too early, and he'd be too quiet for the people in the back to even hear him. And Maggie would be the only one clapping, the loudest she can too. That's her funny guy. She lets him cry to her and wipes his tears with her sleeve. She never bought into the way most moms treat their sons, she wanted Richie to grow up loving someone with his full heart. Even if it means she coddles him sometimes.
And her and Went have a very loving relationship, very average and kind of mundane in a sweet way. They're very genuine, Wents sort of a passive guy who listens to his wife nightly rants about her day and enjoys it. He loves her more than his vocabulary allows him. Simple guy, loves his wife, laughs when his kids curse at each other, works wayyyy too much.
God this family
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I think that's the brunt of my thoughts, most of my ideas are just small little things that add to her greater personality. I also loooove parental parallels so there's always tiny shit between her, Richie, and Rachel even.
In chapter 2 i think she's still alive, Went died from liver cancer a bit into Richies 30s (Toziers are kind of functional alcoholics.) So now she resides in Florida, where Richie bought her a nice home near the beach. He doesn't visit, or call that often which depresses her a little. But she understands, plus Rachel still often comes by with her children to visit and catch up.
I have list long notes on all the Toziers, they're genuinely one of my favorite fictional families and i literally highjacked them and made them my own 😭
OH! and i imagine she's got a collection of antique clown decorations. Vases, paintings, statues, gnomes, you name it. It's why Richies not very fond of them. Or going into her room much.
Tldr; Your mamas a loser like you
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saisons-en-enfer · 11 months ago
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Should be given the right to carry on I'm still thinking about how much I need you but you really want somebody else...
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random-lil-illing · 8 months ago
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so, i have a new movie/fictional guy to obsess over - in my defense, my friend dragged me into this fandom
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sugarandice3 · 19 days ago
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rxttenfish · 1 year ago
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i dont know what it is but theres Something about this being the first question faulkner hears after a suicide attempt.
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galacticfire · 2 months ago
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littencloud9 · 10 months ago
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the thing is ranpo is a really sherlock-like character (as in, sherlock holmes as a concept) and i think that dazai as this morally ambiguous vigilante working in the shadows doing the bad thing for the bigger good is a Concept tm. hi lena. in this essay i will
YESSS HI!! ranpo as the greatest detective who only solves cases he gives af about, is attracted to the thrill of mystery, and you present him with lord of crime dazai. someone who not only is able to keep up with him but actively keeps him on his toes. souheki already both have great admiration for the other in canon and id love to see them on opposite sides. also theyre the kings of sexy eye contact sorry not sorry
also. minoura as lestrade is funny to me. and yosano as john watson because 1) doctors 2) besties with sherlock/ranpo HELL YEAH
im a bit torn on who would play who in the lord of crime group but i believe kyouka as like a silent messenger kind of girl, tanizaki as king of disguises (cause light snow lol walk with me), fukuzawa as jack the ripper etc etc would be fun!!
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