#it doesn’t matter that much to me whether or not i *actually* am autistic because even if i don’t then i am holding hands and kissing

[wizardologys]

not autistic but i believe in their beliefs.

[drdemonprince]

At one point he was down in between my legs, fingering me, and he made a throwaway comment about probably being Autistic. 

I leaned back, trying to relish what pleasure I was getting. “Well, we can talk about that subject, if you like,” I said vaguely, not really wanting to bring my professional life into things. 

He kept working away at my body, kissing between my lips and thighs. “Oh I know who you are,” he said suddenly. “Your book changed my life. In a way, I guess this is me thanking you.” 

I made him exit my body and we went to the kitchen to hash it out. It turned out he was a big fan of many things I’d written. 

“I’ve seen you around the neighborhood many times,” he confessed. “But you posted online that you don’t like when people come up to you, and so I always decided to leave you alone.” 

He said, “Your book is the reason I got divorced, actually. My ex-husband was a therapist, and when I showed him your book and said I thought I might be Autistic, he didn’t believe me. We have been separated for a year.” 

He asked, “Did I just make this weird, telling you when I did that I was a fan?” I told him that if he’d said it sooner, I would have never fucked him at all. 

People never realize that when they approach me, what they are doing is dragging me into work. It doesn’t matter whether I was at breakfast, or an orgy. I was just some guy standing there, enjoying his beer, but now they have made me the known scholar and author. And sure, my job might be meaningful, but that doesn’t mean I like to work. 

I tell my friend that I no longer want to be a public figure, and that I am planning how to make it all end. She tells me, “You’ve got to do what is the best for you, even if it’s something that the rest of us wants and can’t imagine giving up.” 

I ask myself, did I want this? It would be more flattering to say I didn’t, and play the role of the hermetic author whose work developed its own life purely because it was so good. But that isn’t true. 

From the moment I got a Myspace account in high school, I was publishing essays about my political views. I serialized multiple novels on Tumblr, guerilla marketing them with giveaways and custom-made images until they hit the Kindle sales charts. I have made memes, tried starting viral trends, coined phrases, and given hundreds of hours’ worth of media interviews. I write prescriptive nonfiction, for Christ’s sake. Of course people seek guidance from me. I offer it up! 

I have been strategic about how I dress, and my video backdrops, and retaken clips of myself speaking over and over again until they sounded right. I’ve hosted debates with my most vicious critics while I’m in the shower, started public beef with creators who had larger accounts than I did, and rushed to my keyboard when upsetting news broke, because I alone was possessed of the most correct take on it.

I wanted this. I didn’t know what this was, this internet fame I was chasing, but I did all I could to make it mine. I thought that by writing so much, I would one day be able to escape myself, maybe really feel connected to other people. Instead it has meant never being able to stop thinking about myself: how I am seen, what I am working on, how it all fits together, what comes next. It has also meant being spoken about, theorized about, and criticized, and developing a firm exoskeleton of disdain between myself and the world. 

I believe now that that it is immoral for any person to be listened to by ninety thousand other people. Holding authority and status like that runs counter to my anarchic ideals. I am not more important or correct than anyone. I should not be trusted to tell people which commodities to buy, which companies not to support, what to read, what to think, what words to use, or how to conduct their lives. 

All the other animals know there is no one way that a creature “should” live. There is only the way that it does. The world has no consciousness, no beliefs. It cannot pass judgment. We only feel so watched and evaluated because we have covered the planet with so many millions of our eyes. But we can stop performing dignified human goodness at any moment. 

I think that celebrity is an evil, corrupting force that pits the human instinct for bonding against itself. Instead of appreciating the singing of our friends around the fire, we stream Chappell Roan until stalkers break into her house. Rather than playing card games together, we stan Twitch streamers, filling up their chats with highlighted messages until they acknowledge us. We long to be famous novelists because then we would have the social permission to write, and we don’t have the money or time to enjoy the activity on its own. 

I wrote about Chappell Roan, stalker stans, and how turning art into content creation ruins the work, and the creator's life. It's free to read in full (or have narrated to you by the app!) on Substack.

[destinygoldenstar]

Heyo. So I just rewatched the episode ‘Tick Tock’.

Why? I don’t know. I just found the episode in my YouTube recommend today and I like the episode, so why not?

Blah blah blah, it still holds up, it’s still one of the best episodes of the entire series a decade later. It’s gold.

I just wanted to praise a part of this episode that I think is very underrated.

That’s the other ninjas reactions to the reveal. Like we all focus on the reveal itself, understandable, but I don’t think enough people talk about how significant of a reaction this is for the others to have this.

They just found out one of their surrogate brothers is actually a robot. (That’s not a spoiler, you’ve all seen toy sets, and this twist is basically a ‘duh’ now. But back then? With us nostalgic viewers who saw this as kids, we had no clue, man! This was not only such a shock but one of the best handled plot twists I’ve ever seen in a cartoon.)

And yet while they are shocked and unsure how to take it, they almost immediately decide to accept that. They try to make it clear this doesn’t change how they feel about Zane at all.

In any other show that would do something like this, the others would probably go ‘OMG, you’re different from the rest of us. How can we trust you now?!’ And there would be a fight and a storm off and they’d walk away out of confusion over how to feel about their friend anymore. I don’t think that would’ve worked nearly as well even if the lesson was ‘grow to accept it’.

Weirdly enough, they probably would have sims just that if this was revealed a few episodes ago. Particularly Episode 2. That episode was about the ninja finding Zane odd cause not only did he lack the same humor they did, but he also did ‘strange’ things and reactions, one of which got censored in certain versions of that episode. (Don’t go in the fridge, kids)

That episode also ended with the others blaming Zane over the destruction of the Monestary, irrationally mind you, and them apologizing to him for such and promising to try and accept and understand him.

And, well, they’re doing that here. This isn’t a repeat. They had already learned the lesson to accept people wired differently, literally in this case, and they’re applying that here. Little hesitation. Because they care about Zane and his mental health at this moment.

It’s no fight or blowout or storm off or anything. Zane HIMSELF pushes them away because he’s too emotionally distraught to process his whole identity being revealed to be different from the others. And they accept that once it’s made clear and give him some space.

This was the moment that made me truly respect the ninja’s brotherhood. And it’s what made me have so much respect for all of them as characters. Even through the familial jabs, they know when one of them isn’t doing well and accept that to help them.

Whether or not you consider Zane being a robot autistic symbolism, trans symbolism, or whatever, is entirely up to you. But I can say as an autistic person, this resonated with me and made me feel heard. This tells me, more than anything, that it doesn’t matter. People will accept you. And autistic, robot, or not, you’re still a part of the community you deem family. (Take notes, Dhar Mann. This is how you do it.)

Ah, I miss when Zane was a three dimensional character back in the day. I believe the writers have addressed the recent criticisms towards his character and are working towards trying to salvage that to give him depth again. And I am absolutely here for that.

[katyspersonal]

If you get this, answer w/ three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs. anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog!

Oh, nice chain! Alright, let's see!

1) I work at the post office! With customers, not as a postman! I am a little snarky but competent and super serious. Many customers that want to get into my window specifically. o_o" This is kind of time-consuming and not very rewarding, but it is really hard to find a better job in where I live. You know, the whole thing where companies only pretend to be hiring people and every interview is by default declined because they're content overworking their 2 workers doing work of 10 people? xD Fun thing: this is the THIRD time I am back at this workplace! Because they also keep trying to lessen their staff number to save money on salaries, but every time their business starts collapsing and they end up hiring again. They NEVER learn :/

(Lmao ffs I should just make this goddamn image my blog banner if this is the only punchline I know of ���💀💀)

2) I bought PS4 specifically to be able to play Bloodb0rne! As good as I've gotten with lore and headcanons despite only "experiencing" the game via wikias and playthroughs, I NEEDED to lay my hands on it because asking all three of my friends for this or that screenshot became bothersome!

Bought it for half-price from a gamer that got PS5 and no longer needed PS4. Well.. Back then I could not have had an idea I'd end up getting into entire series, so now I know DeS is not accessible for me. Not sure if I can repeat this maneuver; not only PS5 costs more than I do myself, but also saving became impossible in where I live since then!

3) I've learned English 80% thanks to ask-blogging and RPing online! In fact, because of how much I am using English, at this point I am thinking on English more often than on my native language. I was pretty great in school English classes (best, actually), but the real turning point was having to go to English-speaking spaces for fandomry and RPing. I've just never found my place in Russian speaking fandoms, being a raging autist obsessed with every single canon detail is not common in them and makes people look at you like a looser that doesn't have """real""" life or """real""" hobbies if they act like this. :p So, when as a teen (16) I saw how much fun English-speaking fans had with fandoms here on Tumblr, I just HAD to try and level my English to be able to interact.

Granted, it is debatable whether local fandoms actually were never great, or it was my OWN bad luck of running into boring superfical level fans.. but I am glad that I've put my activity as a fan in this cursed hellsite, and ended up speaking English so fluently that many people are surprised it isn't my native one. xD

[guessimabasicnerdgirlnow]

Alright, here is a full post of my negative thoughts about the movie. Like I said before I overall liked it, but I need to verbalize these thoughts too specially now after seeing other people’s opinions too

I saw that some people’s complaints about the ending concern Eddie not reacting as if he was truly mourning. This is not a complaint I have. Idk maybe it’s the autistic in me who doesn’t always react in ways that visibly match people’s expectations. I think he looked sad enough, and there’s also the fact that until the last moment he was still trying to find a solution in which no one had to die, and once it was clear that there wasn’t one, he was ready for them both to die together. And even when he saw what V was planning he was still expecting V to reach for him, because maybe they could just leave the xenophages in the acid and go back to him? And when he wakes up he wants so badly for it not to be true.

I don’t know how much time was supposed to pass between he waking up and the last scene, but it felt to me like he went from having not processed any of it to having come to terms with it and wanting to only remember the good times, which feels to me like a way I would process grief so I didn’t feel insincerity in this

(And also clearly they wanted the movie to end in a brighter note, a “thank you for the memories” being the end of the trilogy and all that)

My problem specifically came actually from two scenes that were some people’s favorites: the “you would make a great father” one and the looking at the couple in Vegas. I did not interpret those as Eddie imagining/wishing for this sort of life with V, they felt to me like glimpses at the life he could have had if he never met V. A life that he can have now without V

I really hope the intended meaning is closer to the former than the latter, and I will see how it feels when I rewatch it someday, but. I remember Eddie at least once saying his life would be simpler without V. Meeting V was a direct consequence of the choice that took away the future he could have had with Anne. And I kinda blame the comics here too, because as much as we love the messy alien/human Symbrock family, very often when the family subject is brought up it is only the hypothetical Eddie+Anne family (my beloved Venom Beyond arc is like this, as is all of Cates’ run, that’s where the whole Sleeper going “Eddie is not my father” started, the whole “you deal with your child (Carnage) while I deal with mine (Dylan)”. The movie is mostly based on Cates stuff. There’s also the story of Anne’s death which starts with Eddie wanting her back. For each time there’s a lovely scene of them being a couple and a family there’s one they’re not)

I’m not saying that this is what the movie meant with these scenes, like I said I hope it’s not, but it’s how I felt. That’s what it made me think of

And then there’s the matter of the self sacrifice mirroring the first movie. I was being very loud (at least at home) about not believing this would happen in this movie because it felt weak to me, to the point I ended up losing a bet with my sister about it lol. I am maybe starting to see some beauty in it, in the pattern, but this is the work of the tumblr fandom. The movie alone didn’t make me feel anything but a tired “oh no they are really doing that” and lamenting how sis will never let me forget it

But really there’s the fact that I watched it thinking of it as the last one ever, the last time I will ever see these characters. I didn’t know there was a possibility of a sequel, and even now I am not sure how likely it is but I don’t really know how this stuff works (for my own sanity’s sake). A sequel makes sense with the post credits scenes though, so whether there ends up being one or not it seems possible they made this movie intending for there to be one, which changes some of my views, I think

If there is a sequel, even without Eddie, some of my speech about this being an ending in which “everything goes back to normal” becomes a little invalid

I am still mourning all those other symbiotes though. Specially Lasher and the Wise Green One and Two Heads. And Patrick. And Rex. Someone mentioned the cockroach maybe not being directly the next host V will find to get out of there but as symbolizing that symbiotes like cockroaches can survive anything, which is comics accurate, and that is a nice thought and a hope I’m clinging to

[aemiron-main]

Hey this is not meant as a criticism of your or others time travel theories, so don’t take it the wrong way, just speaking as a pleb, I do think the timeline thing tho, unless it’s explained in a way that’s super easy to understand, runs the risk of pissing off a lot of people and feeling unsatisfying simply because it’s a very confusing concept to a lot of people in general, and I know in the past a lot of “alternate reality” type “twists” (like it was just a dream, or time travel, or everything was made up in an autistic boys mind—yes that last one happened on an 80s show) have made audiences mad simply because they felt cheated and like a lot of stuff they thought mattered didnt, and for all the people online who are reading theories and scrutinizing things, there are millions more who aren’t and they should be able to follow along as well and feel satisfied (and while I am a tumblr girlie who has followed theories for years, even I didn’t clock time travel and timeline shit till you guys pointed it out here on tumblr so like, even for people in the fandom it’s easy to miss, so i imagine most GA hasn’t clocked it either ) and I’m concerned about how this theory might play out ….

I personally don’t hope it’s about timelines and such simply because of my own selfishness and no matter how i try, while the concept is interesting to me, i find it too confusing and convoluted to understand or enjoy. like i’m trying i wanna be one of the cool kids but it just… loses me completely.

i am PRAYING that if you all are right, and there are these timeline things, that the Duffers really have a succinct, and easily digestible way of revealing this to the audience that won’t take up a whole 30 min of plodding exposition that will leave the GA scratching their heads, but have it be ah OOOH WOW clever and easy to grasp twist that doesn’t leave fans feeling cheated.

I don’t care what the ending is tbh I just want them to stick it and for me to be able to understand it lol

Hey anon! This reply is gonna be shorter than I want it to be simply bc I am super sleepy rn but I just want to toss this post your way where I talked about this whole thing more in depth!

I totally see your concerns, but I actually have seen A LOT of GA folks point out the time travel/timeline stuff (just not as specific/in depth as we’ve done on tumblr), so as far as that part goes, I don’t think there’s too much to worry about. We also have to keep in mind that the duffers, while they ARE trying to write a coherent, cohesive story, are not trying to appease the GA. Many GA members also think that Byler would be “out of nowhere and too difficult to understand”. And also, I say this with Love In My Heart, but I don’t care about “well Everyone should be able to follow it and understand it”/“it would suck,” and i dont mean “i dont care” in a mean way towards you, i just mean it literally. I don’t care. Because my focus, when doing analysis, is “what is the show saying/doing?”, rather than “is the show doing it well/are they going to explain it well?”. Do i think they’re going to do it well? Yes! And I talked about that more in that post I linked. But I’m also not writing my theories around whether or not I think it would be good or bad or easy to understand- I’m writing my theories around the evidence we have & trying to figure out what they’re doing, whether they do it well or do it badly.

Like, I do disagree with “they should be able to follow along and feel satisfied” when it comes to ST & when it comes to that as an argument against timeline stuff. And the reason I disagree is because a.) they WILL be able to, just on a surface level, even if they dont fully comprehend it and b.) I don’t think a show as detailed as ST, is obligated to tone itself down. People can rewatch & figure things out like a puzzle. I don’t think all media needs to be completely, fully easily digestible for everyone. I think it’s fine to make viewers need to think about things!!! And I think that the duffers/the ST team is going to be able to find a happy medium between the more complex stuff & a simpler cohesive surface narrative, especially since the timeline stuff doesnt so much seem to be “going back and fixing things/none of mattered” as it is “the timeline stuff has been causing problems from the Very Beginning and we need to set it right/everything still happened.” I also think that a lot of it us the duffers fucking with the audience’s perception of things & that we’ve already been seeing multiple timelines the whole time, which allows them to tie things up more neatly because they dont have to blast through and show us all the timelines- we’vd already seen them.

I hope this is somewhat coherent bc like I said im half awake right now, so if any of this sounds snarky towards you, it’s not meant to be! <333 I really do think they’ll be able to pull things off in a way that’s complex enough to be interesting/leave more puzzles to solve/make people rewatch to spot things, but also still easy enough to understand that things are wrapped up effectively! And personally, if they ARE going to mess it up (which i really really doubt they will, because like i talked abt in that linked post, the timeline stuff is alllllll interconnected to the main unsolved questions/plot points in ST) there’s nothing i can do about that!!! I’m not in the writers’ room! So, I focus on what I can do- analyzing the information we have & trying to figure out what direction the show is going to take, regardless of whether that direction is good or bad. (and i think it’ll be fantastic!!)

[alpaca-clouds]

Also, the thing with Hector

You, after blogging about the entire Trevor thing, I really wanna write about something else, too. And that is Hector. Because steady as clockwork there will be tweets on Twitter and blogs here on tumblr, about how horribly written Hector supposedly is and how little sense his role in the animated series supposedly makes.

And, honestly, as an autistic person this almost feels a bit hurtful.

Because… Look, I have no idea whether it happened on purpose or accidentally (there is just a large number of neurodiverse folks running around in creative areas after all), Hector very much reads as a neurodiverse, possibly autistic character. And as such, yes, he very much makes sense as a character to a lot of autistic folks.

Yeah, yeah, I know, a lot of folks will be like: “But why make him a general?” To which I will just look in confusion, because, well… A) Dracula explains his reasoning (Hector and Isaac are humans aligning with his goals, hence he deems them more trustworthy than the other vampires). B) We know forgemasters are rare (probably, because they get hunted down by the church) and the two might well be the only forgemasters he knows. And he needs forgemasters and had to make sure they were loyal. C) It is not as if Dracula is of sound mind – while the other vampire generals only listen to the two forgemasters, because Dracula tells them to.

And everything else kinda makes sense, too, especially reading him as autistic. He is a victim of child abuse, he clearly has some developmental delay (several characters refer to him as being “child-like”) and he is really bad at reading other people’s intentions (again, something that very much speaks for him being neurodiverse in some capacity), leading to him easily getting manipulating. It might be noted that the fact, that over the entire course of the series, no matter how much shit he gets put through, he never actually cries, also speaks to this.

The thing that most annoys me, though, is how people will then argue, that his game version was better written, which… it is just not? I am sorry, in general I like the Castlevania games, but as written in the Trevor rant this morning: The 3D games are the exception. I hate them. All four of them. With St. Germain (yes, the one character, where I agree that the series kinda did him dirty) as the sole exception, I think that Curse of Darkness is horribly written.

And you know what? The reason I consider the Netflix version of St. Germain to be bad, is the same reason I hate the game version of Hector: Their sole reason for acting is a refrigerated woman. Their entire motivation in the plot is a woman getting lost (in the case of Netflix!St. Germain) or killed (in the case of Game!Hector). Though, really, Game!Hector takes is to a whole new level, because he then goes, finds a woman who happens to look like the refrigerated girlfriend, shrugs and goes living with her. Which is just… Wow, that is just such horrible writing!

Just the disdain that game has for the female characters in question… Thanks, I fucking hate it.

And yes, I am very much aware that the manga exists. But… It really does not make things better, doesn’t it, except from giving Rosaly some basic character instead of making her the “quickly mentioned dead girl, who gets replaced by Julia”. But to be frank, the heel-face-turn still does not make a lot more sense with that context added.

Really, I cannot shake the feeling, that the main issue, folks have with Hector’s arc in the series, is, that it categorically refuses to give them a power fantasy, aka the thing that the game obviously is all about. Hector does not get a power fantasy, he gets a disempowerment fantasy instead, his big moment of agency involving him cutting of his own finger.

But here is the thing: You can dislike that… but it is not “bad writing”. Just because you wanted that power fantasy and did not get it, it is not bad writing. Especially in an ensemble series like Castlevania it is perfectly fine, that not all characters get the big power fantasy.

And honestly, there is some shaky writing in the series. Again, St. Germain and just… season 4 is at least weirdly written. The pacing is super weird and it is just so weird, how the series shrugs off most of the trauma from season 3. And I have spoken before about how I did not like that Hector somehow forgave Lenore off-screen. But him not having a big hero moment? Yeah, I am absolutely alright with that.

[strangerunchained]

My name doesn’t matter, I love names and want you to call me whatever you see in me whatever I am to you, but if you need to call something you can call me “sub” or “stranger”. All my stuff is okay to reblog

I love attention more than anything in the entire world, but if you are a sissy blog, chaser, or minor please leave, I can’t force you out but If I find you I will block, I am not for you.

I’m 23 autistic trans and a girl coded thing, this is a personal blog about everything that makes me actually tick, where I can talk about what makes me succumb and makes me go fuzzy.

Just because I’m a thing doesn’t mean I’m unbreakable, you have to treat me with some respect. Just because I’m free use doesn’t mean I don’t have boundary’s, talk to me and get to know me please :)

My favorite things are mind control, hypnosis, and transformation of all kinds.

I’m a system but this is ALL about me, if we get close you can ask but besides that you don’t need to know.

I’m very nice and submissive, there isn’t a single dominate bone in my body, if you play with me the right way I’ll melt in your hands! And you have permission to try!

I am also owned and poly! My master allows me to have this freedom and I have his permission to flirt and play with whoever I wish, as long as I never call anyone else master or mistress. So if you get me to submit I will probably just call you ma’am or sir or whatever you command me to say! Unless you get permission from my master but we are getting WAY ahead of myself.

All in all, this blog is for 2 reasons

1. I want to be an open source for many relationships, whether that be platonic romantic or sexual, although remember I am owned and he knows everything that goes on here. I want to make those connections and I want to be honest in who I am with those connections,I feel submissive down to my core, I’ve always felt like that, and I want to form relationships where that can be used to the fullest, where it is always known, so this is my safe haven to do that.

2. This is my place to be honest with myself and those I chose to make relationships with although I give so much power away it is still my place, if you are mean I will block you, if you make fun of my friends I will block you, i have dealt with a world that has rejected me, this is my place of freedom.

If you’ve read this far got through all the colors and want to get to know me, you have my permission to dm me or send me asks. I hope to be of service.

[constantlyoverthinking]

Autism rant/vent

For context, I’ve been researching ASD for almost a year now, ever since I’ve first suspected I might be autistic. During this period of time I’ve concluded that there is indeed a very high chance of me being on the spectrum. When I brought this topic up to my parents they outright denied even the possibility of me being neurodivergent and refused to elaborate further.

That’s why I’ve decided to fool my mum into doing a screening test for me today, without her knowing it’s for ASD (although she figured it out herself towards the end based on the questions) and the result was that I do have symptoms and a check for a formal diagnosis would be recommended if possible. This is something I‘ve already known, but I can’t do much with it alone and I thought that maybe, because it was all mom’s answers she would give the result a higher degree of consideration.

First, I have to clarify that a formal diagnosis is a privilege and a self-diagnosis is completely valid. That being said, I would personally prefer to have a formal diagnosis, for numerous reasons, one of them being imposter syndrome. A feeling that for some reason I am faking all my autistic symptoms, obviously I do realize that it makes no sense. However, every time I defeat this imposter syndrome with reason, the lingering sense of doubt comes back after some time once more. It is hard to refute something with logic when it is not based on logic at all. And I hope that a diagnosis would help with that. I must admit this and many other reasons why I want a formal diagnosis are selfish. But does that matter? I don‘t think so, I digress though.

When I asked my mother whether I could try to get a diagnosis after I showed her the result of the screening test, her argument changed from „you aren’t autistic, cause you can‘t be“ to „I still don’t believe you’re autistic, but even if you are, getting a diagnosis is not only pointless, it’s actually immoral, for psychiatrists are overworked and if you go to one, you might take the place of someone who is not as capable as you and actually needs the diagnosis“, there is so much wrong with this argument, but I won’t get into it, because I don’t think she really believes in it.

No, I think she just says whatever it takes to make me and her believe I’m „normal“, by normal I mean the preconceived notion of perfection she has created for herself about me. And when this delusion is met by reality (like me showing signs of autism) she does what she can to preserve it, it doesn’t matter if it’s manipulation or ignoring everything which doesn’t fit her view. I think she does this because she realizes that if she’s wrong, it would break her perception of her being a good parent and she couldn’t cope with that.

I don’t think she is a bad person, I’m just infuriated at her inability to accept mistakes that affects my own life. While writing this I realized it’s not only about autism, but my mental health in general, however, the difference with autism is I care about it more than I’ve learn to care about my other issues (I am not saying that autism is an issue, but the way my mother sees it is).

There isn’t a concrete conclusion to this post, I just needed to get a few thoughts out of my head. By the way, I apologize for any and all grammatical errors in this text, I’m not a native english speaker (nor writer).

[anoceanthesizeofmyheart]

February 19th 2023

My room has always been the hangout room, it's been the room where people sit on my bed, where they get their own drinks and feel comfortable. But sometimes it’s too much, I don’t want my bed to smell like you, I don't want to have to remake it. I don’t want you to hug my toy and I don’t want you to vape. I want my room to smell like my room. Really I want a house, I want a house where my room is separate, just for me. Maybe me and a partner or me and my best friend. But that’s it, I want it to be a space for me rather than a space for everyone.

He messaged her. After two and a half years he messaged her and those feelings from the other guy came back. The feelings that my memories with him weren’t true, that my mind blew them up to something bigger than they actually were. They were small moments, it wasn’t anything. He didn’t care about me, I didn’t get the text. I didn’t matter, yet she wanted to include me in the reply. But what if he turns back and says that I am nothing, that I meant nothing and that I was never anything. That would hurt, but what if it’s true. He doesn't; deserve anything, but we deserve an answer. We deserve to know why, why did you disappear, why did you think it was okay, why did you think leaving was the answer. 

Are we bad people for not considering the worst? I don’t think so. Because without context I can think what I want. I can relive every reason for him to abandon us. That’s what this is right? Abandonment. Another name to a list of people who have done it. 

I’m tired and ill. I can’t tell whether it’s burnout or actual illness. We’ll see. 

My therapist said I was being micromanaged at work and that’s hard. She also said she thought my team leader is autistic and maybe that’s why he manages me so wrongly. It might be true. But it doesn’t lessen the hurt he has caused. He made me ill with the way he made me feel. 

My Doctor told me I wasn’t lying, that my feet are inflamed. That I am chronically ill, that’s what it boils down to. But that’s good, I have answers then, it wont fix it, but I can do something, I can manage it, rather than drown in the pain. Now I just have to accept the help, I have to ask for the help, I have to stand up for myself rather than others. That might be the hardest thing. But that’s okay.

It’s all okay. Right?

[taxfraudhousewife]

i am head over heels for him

he’s perfect as closed minded and insecure as i think he is

he’s so perfect

i’m not what he wants

i know

he’s perfect

biblically accurate satan probably

im scared that if i cosplay as a real girl it still won’t be enough

lipstick on a pig

but what if it worked

how terrible it would be to lie to him of all people

i know no boy is worth that

i don’t even think i’m capable

i’m too autistic

but still i think he’s worth all the lying and planning in the world

he likes real girls

but he is everything to me

i wanna kiss his stupid face

not on the mouth cause that’s gay

i know it would never actually work

and it would be wrong of me to put him through that

i’m certain i’d hurt him im sure of it

it would be wrong of me to let him marry into my family

all the shit the nat shit and the bren shit and the lana shit

the keith shit

he shouldn’t take on all that

i won’t bring him into that

but it’s so tempting

he’s perfect

he’s safe and he’s warm and he’s nice and he’s closed minded and he’s stubborn but he’s kind

i shouldn’t have watched arcane

cause the terrible idea of what could’ve been has wormed its way into my brain

could it have been

he’s too good for me

it would be unethical to even try to pursue it

but he never gives up on me

i hate that

why won’t he

it’s like physically painful

i wish he would give up on me

but now i can’t give up on him because i owe him that much

not compatible

unless we are

those tiny chances are always everything

i know it’s too tiny

but it’s still there somewhere and it won’t let me go

hope for a boy always kills me

i hate boys except for liam

it’s so stupid

but he’s so pretty

and his eyes are too close together how could i not be obsessed

his EYES are TOO CLOSE TOGETHER

i might love them more than any other pair of eyes

why couldn’t jinx stay

i think i almost thought if an expensively animated ella purnell could get a happy ending with nice boy maybe i could too

i think i almost thought that it was possible

i almost thought i was in the timeline where it could’ve worked

there’s probably only one or two

they’re probably nice

in one of them we probably argue over everything or maybe i just shut up and nod and smile and be grateful

why won’t he give up on me

the knowledge that i’m stupid outweighs the knowledge that im ugly

that’s not saying much

it’s pretty hard to be ugly and pretty easy to be stupid

and all i know about both is there is so much i don’t know

who am i to say anything about a thing so subjective at this point

the only thing i know for certain about being ugly is men don’t even care

who am i to say whether it’s a matter of taste or preference or desperation

who am i to say what it looks like to like or love or long

when this secret liking and loving and longing is my default

he knows a me that i don’t know anymore

i wonder if he misses the him that i know

i don’t remember much other than he was nice

and so funny that i could’ve died

he could run for so long

still can

he was a better rabbit parent than me

i briefly hated him for it

i hated him for being an only child with two parents seemingly in the same tax bracket as mine

cause he was better than me

i thought whatever was wrong with me was from being an only child

he sure fuckin showed me

he’s perfect

exaggerating to say he’s everything to me

but he’s at least 30% of everything

and lately he’s been 95% of my thoughts

let’s not find out how far i’ll go

to look like someone he should know

i know no boy is worth a cosplay

but he’s worth every lie and plot

he’s worth all the consent that could possibly be manufactured

he’s worth the entirety of all capitalist propaganda all the effort and death

that would be so much easier than convincing him i’m worth anything at all

why would i even think about the girl part

i don’t even have the non gendered normal human shit to give

but i don’t want the commodity he produces

so maybe he doesn’t want mine

maybe the labourer’s humanity is enough for him

fuck do i even have that to give

i’m not saying i’m not nice or whatever

im not saying i lack humanity

i just lack the will to do anything other than sleep

and i don’t think that would be so nice for him

but i think it would be nice to sleep next to him

i think it would be safe and warm

why couldn’t he stay

i honestly fucking don’t like ontario

and i wouldn’t leave everything for him

but i would consider it more than i should

i’d never ask him to uproot his whole life

but isn’t it just worse if it only works in summer

if we both think it’s worth all the torture

if summer could be so sweet

stop it

why would you tell him specifically episode seven is crazy

why the fuck would you say that

get it out of your dumb head

logistically what the fuck do you think is gonna happen

genuinely retarded fuck

i just wish i could’ve kept him close

i’m too afraid to ask him

not to do anything

just what he thinks

maybe if i asked him and he’ll never like me again then i can split on him or whatever

he can be another boy that i will show how cool i am by disappearing

eponine shit always

why do you chase them

at least eponine is cooler

but you just dumped or got dumped by every painfully close female friend you’ve ever gotten so painfully close to

you just can’t grow the fuck up out of that safety when those huge giant strong toxically masculine boys were around

and nothing could happen to you cause they were stronger than everyone

you have to hold your own shit together now fuck

nate isn’t gonna bludgeon your way out of this

julian certainly won’t

it can’t be just this fear all the time

just stop this eponine shit

and stop this fucking whatever it is

the feeling

the one with nate and julian and bren and assan

what even is that

the thing that turns you into an actual human being

the thing that’s only okay to feel with liam because he just might be the only one who at least it doesn’t hurt to feel it for

is that just affection

affection

the thing that turns you stupid and happy cause right now despite reality your brain thinks you’re safe

cause he’s here

how could i not be safe if he’s here

how could i try not to offer what dumb humanity i can give

cause i don’t have anything else worth giving

and i embarrass myself always always

but how could i not

he’s here it’s safe

god damnit fuck shit bitch cunt

i know it’s not happening

i know that

it’s been so long since i’ve gotten so excited when a boy texts me

but i don’t think he likes me like that

i don’t mean it in a self deprecating way

it’s just preference or taste and i should be glad for him that there’s no desperation

i don’t think i have much of a personality

i do

it’s just in my head

there’s a lot but not a lot worth offering

i wish that i didn’t think about a boy at the same time as my own worth

but it’s always the eponine shit

[drdemonprince]

I'm reading your book rn and seriously contemplating a self dx, but I wondered if, in your work, you've come across any research on the percentage of people that think they're autistic that actually end up being autistic. Like if I think I am, is it likely that I am? You may talk about this in your book, so my apologies! I just started it this weekend. Thank you for reading! xx

Well, if we understand Autism under the neurodiversity paradigm, we can't ever really answer this question, because then Autism is not a simple binary thing or a defect that can be fairly diagnosed. And if that is the case then there is no objective answer to the question of whether a person is "really" Autistic or winds up actually being Autistic. This is before we even take into account the fact that at least 50% of the American population does not have access to mental healthcare insurance or an Autism assessment -- meaning that if we relied on diagnoses alone, at minimum we are underestimating the size of the Autistic population by half of what it actually is. More on all this in the book of course, so please do keep reading.

It's a bit like asking "how many people who think they are trans wind up really being trans?" It's an unanswerable question, because nobody else should get to decide who "really" is trans but the trans person themselves. Some people google trans things and attend gender support groups and play with gender and do not arrive at trans as the best way of understanding them. But if someone is doing that much inner gender work...they're our kin regardless, they are harmed by cissexism as we are, and they belong with us, goddamn it and they are welcome no matter how they identify! same here. some people who look into an autistic identity decide something else fits better, but that does not change the fact they are in community with us and share our struggles and concerns.

 i think anybody who wants to call themselves autistic should do so. doesn’t hurt me one bit. everyone is harmed by neuroconformity no matter how they self identify, i just want people to realize that. 

[lululawrence]

Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

why does jean warn up to mc so quickly? ikevamp makes it clear that jean is a pretty reserved person and doesn't open up or let people in easily but he seems to let mc in quite quickly and it confuses me quite a bit.

Oh boy, where to begin with this one.

Well, I have a lot of Feelings^TM about this, but I'll try to be concise. Essentially, I think Jeanne doesn't recover in the other routes--or the general storyline--largely because he's just a lot to unpack narratively speaking. And without some pretty direct intervention, he has a hard time healing. MC’s direct intervention was meaningful because it was focused, consistent, and adapted to Jeanne’s specific needs. She also doesn’t make light of his experiences which is key; she fully understands that she can’t fathom what he’s been through. There is a very weighty respect and acknowledgement, a seriousness with which she treats his wounds that’s important.

It’s easy to make this a “why is MC nOt LiKe ThE oThEr GiRlS” but honestly that’s just not the sense I get when I look at all the information available to us. 

That being said, I also just feel like every person's recovery from traumatic events doesn't really look the same? I mean Leonardo’s cptsd isn’t going to operate the same way Jeanne’s wartime/Inquisition cptsd is going to operate. Some people require very individualized healing, others will often require a large scale group effort to lift them up.

Typically people don't ever just get over what happened to them and never worry about it again, either. It's usually a process of coping; the hope is that with time you find healthy ways to deal with grief and move forward. Therapists aren't magicians, they just help people process painful experiences/thoughts. It's honestly up to individuals to find meaningful ways to implement these tactics. 

Tl; dr: My contention is that Jeanne doesn’t open up or choose to stay alive because MC magically heals him, rather his recovery is a convergence of many people’s efforts and hopes that he stays alive. Gilles (he insists that Jeanne must live, asks him to promise), MC (affirms and bolsters that promise), Comte (makes a second life and recovery possible)--and in no small measure Mozart and Napoleon--all make an active effort to buoy him. As people often say, it takes a village to raise a child.

While Jeanne seems to respond most powerfully to MC’s attempts, it feels more like a product of chemistry/compatibility than it does a random cop out. There is no insinuation that only romantic love can heal; after all, MC gets close to him without any romantic intentions at first. They’re just good friends? It’s more that their feelings simply moved in a different direction after a point, which doesn’t necessarily happen all the time. Jeanne is also incredibly moved by Mozart’s love for him as a friend, Comte’s love for him as a father, and even Gilles’ love as a comrade to an extent. If anything, without their input Jeanne’s capacity for romantic love would be questionable at best.

Now, because I can never for the life of me stop analyzing, I have a more large scale outline of my thoughts below. Spoilers for Jeanne’s route:

If we look at Jeanne's life history, he has pretty specific trauma. Most of the harm he endured was a direct result of human rights violations after the war itself. He didn't enjoy fighting and killing people, but he's also very much a man that sees the reality of his position: it's either kill or be killed. His entire goal was to defeat the enemy as efficiently as possible in the hopes of ending conflict, and with his enormous resolve turns the tide. He had no innate interest in inflicting harm, or lack of control when engaging. He isn't pathological about it, and doesn’t dehumanize the other side. He was more "this was an act of necessity, but those are still human beings." So as far as I can tell he has a very strong moral compass and sense of duty, he doesn't show much delusion/confusion in that regard. (Also evident in his conversations with the young orphan boy.) Furthermore, he has been shown to have a sense of humor--cracking jokes with Gilles and boosting morale for his fellow soldiers.

His childhood abandonment is significant (he left his home because he was "not an adequate farmhand and they had no ability to feed all their children") but I don't know if I would consider it a huge trauma point for him. It seems as though he deemed it an act of necessity--not spite. It was simply the way of things, and he couldn't help his wiry constitution. You'd be surprised how common that was once upon a time, tbh... While it's certainly not right or fair, it does appear that in his perception it was the choice he made and he moved on after he became a soldier. Just focusing on what he could do, rather than everything he lacked. For people in his position, they often feel it is useless to linger on what should have been. There’s no time to linger or doubt, life hangs in the balance.

That leaves us with his time under the Inquisition, just before he was slated to be burned alive. I think this is the keystone trauma point for him, because there are a lot of moving parts to his powerlessness here. The first part is that his entire life's mission--ending the war so that people would no longer have to die and/or starve as a result of senseless violence--was just sabotaged. All those years of doing things he never wanted to do (wartime violence) and being forced to leave his family to ensure they didn't all starve, all of it treated like some kind of joke. Like he didn't sacrifice years of his life and sanity to protect a people who were happy to call him a monster and watch him burn alive. The second part is the overt gaslighting and rewriting of Jeanne's personal history (and overall French public perception) for the sake of the King's political agenda. To call him a treasonous danger to the country when he was once lauded a hero. The third portion is the actual physical helplessness of being arrested, starved, and continuously maimed for no reason beyond pure malice. While it's never right to do that to any human being, this was done to a man who prided himself on his stalwart moral code. To abuse and torture him for something egregious that he would never do (at the risk of death) is just another slap in the face to everything he is and believes in.

I just feel like the context clarifies why that period of time would be the tipping point. His entire moral code and life’s work is being called into question and swept aside, as well as his agency? He believes very powerfully in a sense of right vs wrong, what's fair and what isn't fair. Somebody else deciding that for him--and deciding in a way that is openly unfair/incorrect--further makes him lose himself and his sense of reality. A person in that situation begins to doubt if they are good or bad. His belief in god all the more pressing; if he was a good person, why would fate bring him so much suffering? Honorable soldier or not, his blade has drawn so much blood...

People often reference his stilted social skills (and I am of the belief that he is on the autistic spectrum) as a reason why he is so "people-adverse" but tbh? I don't agree. His memories before the onset of this trauma reveal that he was actually a very warm person, and that people were more than willing to fight under his banner. He had friends, and he had comrades--his country loved him. He was the picture of well-meaning civic duty. Just because he doesn’t integrate smoothly into larger social groups or adapt well to socially shifting circumstances, doesn’t mean he just hates people lmao. When people give him the space to exist within his comfort zone and don’t take advantage of him, he thrives. Compounded by that, we also have his actions in the present to further prove what is true and what isn't.

While he is stern with the orphan boy (I'm sorry I can't remember his name, damn it) there is no malice or cruelty in what he has to say. He doesn't punish the kid or do anything out of line. It may not be fair in terms of the adult level of discretion he asks of him, but the kid also didn't have a lot of options realistically speaking lmao. Same thing with MC, she and the orphan boy are nearly identical in how Jeanne treats them. He's a little rough, but the route reveals that his intentions are just a reflection of what he's been through. He truly believes that if a person isn't strong, they won't survive--because his entire life was a series of trying to be strong/reliable because nobody else would. There was nobody to protect him, and nobody to care for him went things went south. It was him and his sword against the world, and even his exceptional skill as a fighter did not protect him from the Inquisition's arbitrary torture. He has lived in a world where good acts can become absolutely meaningless, where following rules and helping people still gets you slaughtered. That's going to take a considerable toll on his mental health: where do you find the will to go on when the next second of your life could mean the devastation of everything that matters to you?

Spoilers: you don't. Or if you do, every minute of the day is a fight to stay alive. That is the point at which we meet Jeanne. Caught in the hellish whirlpool of wanting more, wanting better--but being terrified of the cost. The cost of hoping, only for his entire world to go up in flames again. It's not a small thing, in my view.

If you have any doubts as to whether or not that is the case, I direct you to literally every singular instance in which Jeanne's emotional sensibility goes visibly dark/south. When do these instances happen? When it rains, for one. And when Shakespeare deliberately starts pressing on his sensitivities: about the soldiers he was forced to kill, about the nation that spurned him, how he's truly "wicked" at heart and doesn't deserve to be happy--seconds before flames erupt for the festival. Does that really sound coincidental? I mean lmao. The rain is a painful reminder, but MC transforms that memory into something a little lighter with her bet. He has nothing to lose in her game, all she does is ask for time with him or offers him something if she loses. There's a playfulness there, a restoration of agency and ease that's invaluable to his recovery.

As for Shakespeare's deliberate retraumatization...I can't even begin to explain how damaging that event was. Shakespeare is undermining Jeanne's agency in that he--not unlike the corrupt monarch of Jeanne's era--is twisting Jeanne's beliefs to work against him. He knows full well that Jeanne doesn't feel like he deserves somebody so bright and understanding (we need to remember it's not really a luxury he's had much in life, especially after the war ended). He knows Jeanne has a tendency to impose that strict moral code on himself even more than he does on others. To reaffirm his every worst fear and lurking terror only throws Jeanne into a vicious downspiral. Jeanne doesn't reject MC out of disgust or hate. He rejects her because he literally cannot handle the concept of trying to be happy again, or of burdening her with his constant struggle to move on while he’s in the middle of a bad episode. He knows he won’t be able to stop reliving the past, that every second of his life and breath will be colored by his gruesome memories. He's trying as hard as he can to keep the intrusive thoughts quiet, to move on. But I'm not going to lie to any of you, that is incredibly difficult to do alone.

The next obvious question is, well why can't the other men help him? This isn't to say that they can't--we see how much solace Jeanne finds in Napoleon and Mozart. Even Isaac is gentle with the veteran. But there are limits to how much they can do. Napoleon is struggling with his own wartime trauma, and it's not identical to Jeanne's. Plus there’s a distinct difference in their sensibilities? Napoleon is the type to habitually seek comfort in helping others when he can't help himself, he's not as in tune with answering his own personal feelings and regulating them. (I mean just look at his new ES: he knows what he wants, but it takes a nudge from Isaac for him to go through with it.) He’s very communally reliant in ways Jeanne isn’t; Jeanne is a very private person, and typically prefers one on one from what I can tell.

Mozart is the definition of repression, and if you look at their interactions it's usually Jeanne that's smoothing over Mozart's rough edges. Mozart says as much himself: that he feels like a rotten friend because he knew Jeanne was struggling with a lot of intense trauma, but he didn't know how to unravel it without hurting him in the process. Mozart calls it personal cowardice, but honestly I just feel like they both had too much going on to be able to help each other effectively. (And Jeanne expresses this sentiment too? This idea that he's not angry with Mozart? He knows they're both carrying a lot, he's just touched Mozart cares about him in return.)

Okay, briefly unrelated, but like. Am I the only one that wheezes uncontrollably when Mozart is like "?????? Idk what it is about MC...I don't want her to be scared of me..." in his own main story in the baths. And Jeanne. IS TRYING SO HARD. NOT TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT HIM O B V I O U S L Y BEING IN LOVE. THE HILARITY I CAN'T DO THIS. Jeanne was like "yeah....yeah that's rough buddy.......[screams internally, give your boy time Jeanne he's fragile]"

Honestly? That's the thing about Jeanne too--he has incredible self-awareness and hyperarousal-related (I mean the PTSD kind, get your head out of the gutter) awareness to the people around him. He's very, very conscious of the fact that he is surrounded by geniuses when he can't even write his own name. Just because he has the fortitude not to lash out with his insecurities, doesn't mean he never feels stupid or inferior. And it doesn't help when there are people in the mansion who call him--a fucking war veteran from 500 YEARS AGO--nAiVe. He's not naive lmao. He just doesn't know how the world works so many years later, and it's a ridiculously steep learning curve? Leonardo and Comte are nearly 500 years old, but they lived throughout every hour of that time in a linear fashion. It is a big deal to be moved from 1430 to 1890 in the span of a second asynchronously, and then be expected to function without a hitch??? Given the circumstances he adapts well.

That atmosphere--this constant impatience with what he doesn’t understand, his inability to be caught up to speed quickly--is going to hinder his recovery lmao. He feels like a burden most of the time, and agency and freedom are crucial.

Another thing that occurs to me about the mansion's arrangement is that there is a power dynamic, just as any space with people in it has some level of hierarchy (unless you live with miraculously chill people). Jeanne is acutely aware that Comte is the most powerful being in that space, and he is not only hatefully angry at him--but likely afraid too. We have to remember that the biggest betrayal he witnessed in his life was at the hands of a monarch; it was the aristocracy that turned on him and erased the truth. Comte is openly a child that resulted from both that era and that type of lineage, I don't really blame Jeanne for being wary. He intimately knows how willing rich people are to throw normal folks under the bus to suit their ambitions/whims. Comte, while not deliberately threatening, also seems to be painfully aware of this impression he gives off. His "chad persona" as I've mentioned allows him to navigate his life in secret by necessity, but it’s actively damaging to his son. He can't reveal the truth because of Vlad's betrayal, and he's openly unsettled by what it could mean to be honest. Will they wonder about Vlad and find themselves ensnared under his mind control as Charles and Shakespeare are? Will Comte himself be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known only to lose them?? That's a risk he isn't willing to take--and that leaves him in a double bind.

What is it that they say, the truth will set you free? This is where MC and Comte come into enormous play when it comes to Jeanne's recovery. One thing to keep in mind is that most of the people in the mansion have their own traumas they're trying to carry, and I feel like a lot of them are unsure how to approach Jeanne. Or if they do, he's very guarded. It takes a lot of consistent effort to get through to him. What does MC do when Jeanne unleashes his harsh worldview on her? She's understandably frightened, but Jeanne isn't malicious (so she chases him around). In fact, he openly avoids and runs away from her--well aware that what he's done is wrong. If anything, he did it on purpose, bringing us right back to Shakespeare's verbal undoing; why does Jeanne attack her in the first place?

LMAO. He attacks her because she essentially says "oh thanks for helping me!" "I am not nice. Watch yourself." "But you seem like a nice guy to me?" "REEEEEE" Does the pattern become a little clearer? When people think kindly of him, his instinct is to shatter that illusion with an impulsive reprehensible act. When people think poorly of him or lash out, what does he do? When that orphan boy starts yelling and screaming, Jeanne is nothing but calm. He explains the situation, and offers the kid a choice, perfectly happy to be the bearer of bad news. This operates on many levels I’m sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with him being hailed a saint and a war hero only to be tortured and branded a monstrosity (and he probably thinks being a vampire is doubly monstrous). He’s more comfortable being hated because he feels it’s what he deserves in a lot of ways.

Jeanne has a lot of internalized self-hatred because of what he's done, and because of how much harm was inflicted on him outside of his control (he's Catholic and he was tortured, come on this writes itself). If I'm honest, I think that's actually the greater part of why he hates Comte lmao. Comte refuses the very concept of being cruel no matter how much Jeanne lashes out. Sure he lectures him and scolds him, but he never actively limits what's important to him or controls or harms him. Comte fully realizes the tragedy of how Jeanne's life was used by a nation in dire straits, and knows he needs time and acceptance to heal. No matter how dismal or unhappy, Comte doesn't stop--he fully believes Jeanne should have time in his life where he can really live for himself for once. But therein lies the issue, Jeanne doesn't know how to live for himself.

Which brings me to how MC and Comte "heal" Jeanne. I feel like they give him the space he needs to recover, and that's what results in his gentled temperament and happiness. Remember that so much of his main story is MC endlessly chasing after Jeanne. No amounts of his hissing or running or threatening stops her. Even if his refusals are empty of real dislike, they're enough to deter most people. Not MC. She's able to see through to the depths of who he is, and doesn't just use him for her own ends? She actively seeks to teach him (to read and write) to help him settle better in this era, she actively tries to ease his distaste for rain with a well-meaning bet, and she never gives up on him. (Actions mean so much more to him than words in general too, tbh...). Love is more easily defined by work and effort than it is by attraction.

When he has his episode at the festival, sure she's rattled; but that's because she truly believed that he didn't want to be around her anymore. When she notices he really doesn’t want to be followed, she stops like any normal person would. It’s only when she reads his notebook and sees the truth for herself (that he’s given up despite having the same feelings for her) that her determination is rekindled. She doesn't approach him fearfully, doesn't treat him like he's made of glass either. She just wants him as he is--accepts and loves him as he is. Scarred, bloody, exhausted, abrasive, terrified. She doesn't define him by how easy he is to love. That is a huge issue with traumatized people lmao. Because of their maturity, people always just assume they don't need help, or they rely on them to an extent that isn't sustainable. The second they reveal need or that they struggle, people walk away or victim blame them because it’s easier than taking them seriously.

While MC's attempts may be a little more obvious (cherishing his lily field, wearing the hair pin he gave her, careful about his gruesome injury, really listens when he talks about the horrors of his life and accepts that he experienced a level of agony/terror she can never understand, tries to express her feelings no matter his evasion) I think it's also important to consider Comte's large scale effort. I don't say this to undermine MC, I say it because Jeanne's life was defined by a complete lack of security. He left his parents to make their lives easier, he lived in a war that meant life or death any second, and his country's leader branded him a traitor which lead to his endless torture and public execution. Jeanne does not know a life in which safety is the norm. Point blank. He does not understanding going outside and not expecting the worst anymore.

Comte not only understands that level of despair, but treats it with dignity and respect. He fully accepts being hated if it means Jeanne can use that hatred to live on and find a way to heal. And most importantly, when Jeanne begins to move forward with MC and Mozart's help, Comte never once holds it against Jeanne when the truth is revealed. He's not angry, this isn't about reprisal or reparations or revenge. It's just love.

Jeanne doesn't really have a concept of this? His entire life was mostly transactional, defined by strength and efficiency. Nobody gives a damn about your feelings. You either hurl yourself at the problem or die. Nobody is going to help you or carry you or save you. While he may have had a little more support while he was in the military from his fellow soldiers, that support system was ripped away from him during the Inquisition.

One very common sentiment regarding elongated imprisonment and torture is that survival occurs in pairs. It is an undeniable fact that people need others to survive. It is the nature of who we are. Individualism has never proven to be successful, or if it is, its dividends are astronomically minimal when compared to people working together.

What does it mean to be the most reliable, steady person in the room? Usually it just means you don't know how to ask for help when you are no longer capable of maintaining that stance. Napoleon is guilty of it. Leonardo, Comte, and Jeanne all are too. It's part of why MC and Comte's capacity to see what he needs and provide as much as they can is such a big deal. That sort of consistent support (without a constant necessity to beg for help) allows Jeanne to be able to re-integrate into his new reality and find joy. Even if his nightmares and memories never go away, they are now being actively overrun by positive experiences. That's the thing about recovery, really--it tends to be more about drowning out the negative as much as possible and coming to terms with it, than it is about forgetting or never feeling it again. It’s about softening the sharp edges of pain like sea glass.

So is MC magical and randomly got Jeanne to open up? Nah, I don't think so. I think it was a series of persistence and real acceptance of who he is that made him warm up. People really seem to underestimate how deeply affecting understanding is, but that's how damage is undone. Jeanne can't really linger on the idea of his own monstrousness, his unworthiness, a lifetime of misery, when the person in front of him actively listens and cares about him. Makes him laugh and smile and lose himself in warmth for the first time.

If I'm honest, I feel like people also just...underestimate the level of traumatic resurgence that's perpetuated and inflicted by society’s standards in general lmao. This rhetorical structure in which good and bad exist in moral extremes, this idea that people should be able to recover and never experience relapses or periods of sensitivity. The refusal to radically listen to people and their problems, and make active attempts--not matter how small--to mend/ease those hurt feelings. Granted there will always be people in the world who do not want to improve, but I feel like most people want to. It's hopelessness, silence, and stigmatization that remain the true enemies of traumatized/mentally ill people everywhere. And among that population are always war veterans...

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[bi-sapphics]

knowing my luck with misinterpretation, this is probably something i shouldn’t post, but i’m gonna try my best anyways because i never learn:

i’m an autistic adhder. i hate the ableist allistic adhders as much as you do. but i think we frown on them too much when they’re not being ableist and we treat them like we’re superior when we’re not inherently. we’re all neurodivergent and we’re not each other’s enemies and we need to stop acting like we are. it’s just like how bisexuals get treated as inferior to the LG, so although i’m not affected by the bullying and harassment from the autistic community, i understand how it feels from a different perspective, because bisexuals CAN BE homophobic but that doesn’t make our entire community deserve the reputation it has.

i think this partly contributes to why allistic adhders want to “be” autistic or want to suspect they are autistic rather than actually suspect they are, if that makes sense. the other thing is that adhd gets treated as more of a disorder (which it is) rather than a “superpower” like in the actually autistic community. obviously none of us ignore our own struggles but i never see anyone in the adhd community focus on positivity that doesn’t have the attitude of doing the best with what you have as if life could be better without it. i’m not really sure how to fix this issue because i myself see my own adhd as a negative trait, but i feel like that’s important to point out in general just in case someone does know what to do.

keep in mind that i am (diagnosed, whether or not that matters to you) with both and i don’t want to see any accusations or disapproval from fellow autistics for having the “wrong” opinion about allistic adhders. i’m not a traitor or a pick-me or anything like that, i just think they deserve more respect. (see also for an extended argument that ties into this post: oppression vs. bigotry)