#it doesn’t matter that much to me whether or not i *actually* am autistic because even if i don’t then i am holding hands and kissing

[wizardologys]

not autistic but i believe in their beliefs.

[drdemonprince]

At one point he was down in between my legs, fingering me, and he made a throwaway comment about probably being Autistic. 

I leaned back, trying to relish what pleasure I was getting. “Well, we can talk about that subject, if you like,” I said vaguely, not really wanting to bring my professional life into things. 

He kept working away at my body, kissing between my lips and thighs. “Oh I know who you are,” he said suddenly. “Your book changed my life. In a way, I guess this is me thanking you.” 

I made him exit my body and we went to the kitchen to hash it out. It turned out he was a big fan of many things I’d written. 

“I’ve seen you around the neighborhood many times,” he confessed. “But you posted online that you don’t like when people come up to you, and so I always decided to leave you alone.” 

He said, “Your book is the reason I got divorced, actually. My ex-husband was a therapist, and when I showed him your book and said I thought I might be Autistic, he didn’t believe me. We have been separated for a year.” 

He asked, “Did I just make this weird, telling you when I did that I was a fan?” I told him that if he’d said it sooner, I would have never fucked him at all. 

People never realize that when they approach me, what they are doing is dragging me into work. It doesn’t matter whether I was at breakfast, or an orgy. I was just some guy standing there, enjoying his beer, but now they have made me the known scholar and author. And sure, my job might be meaningful, but that doesn’t mean I like to work. 

I tell my friend that I no longer want to be a public figure, and that I am planning how to make it all end. She tells me, “You’ve got to do what is the best for you, even if it’s something that the rest of us wants and can’t imagine giving up.” 

I ask myself, did I want this? It would be more flattering to say I didn’t, and play the role of the hermetic author whose work developed its own life purely because it was so good. But that isn’t true. 

From the moment I got a Myspace account in high school, I was publishing essays about my political views. I serialized multiple novels on Tumblr, guerilla marketing them with giveaways and custom-made images until they hit the Kindle sales charts. I have made memes, tried starting viral trends, coined phrases, and given hundreds of hours’ worth of media interviews. I write prescriptive nonfiction, for Christ’s sake. Of course people seek guidance from me. I offer it up! 

I have been strategic about how I dress, and my video backdrops, and retaken clips of myself speaking over and over again until they sounded right. I’ve hosted debates with my most vicious critics while I’m in the shower, started public beef with creators who had larger accounts than I did, and rushed to my keyboard when upsetting news broke, because I alone was possessed of the most correct take on it.

I wanted this. I didn’t know what this was, this internet fame I was chasing, but I did all I could to make it mine. I thought that by writing so much, I would one day be able to escape myself, maybe really feel connected to other people. Instead it has meant never being able to stop thinking about myself: how I am seen, what I am working on, how it all fits together, what comes next. It has also meant being spoken about, theorized about, and criticized, and developing a firm exoskeleton of disdain between myself and the world. 

I believe now that that it is immoral for any person to be listened to by ninety thousand other people. Holding authority and status like that runs counter to my anarchic ideals. I am not more important or correct than anyone. I should not be trusted to tell people which commodities to buy, which companies not to support, what to read, what to think, what words to use, or how to conduct their lives. 

All the other animals know there is no one way that a creature “should” live. There is only the way that it does. The world has no consciousness, no beliefs. It cannot pass judgment. We only feel so watched and evaluated because we have covered the planet with so many millions of our eyes. But we can stop performing dignified human goodness at any moment. 

I think that celebrity is an evil, corrupting force that pits the human instinct for bonding against itself. Instead of appreciating the singing of our friends around the fire, we stream Chappell Roan until stalkers break into her house. Rather than playing card games together, we stan Twitch streamers, filling up their chats with highlighted messages until they acknowledge us. We long to be famous novelists because then we would have the social permission to write, and we don’t have the money or time to enjoy the activity on its own. 

I wrote about Chappell Roan, stalker stans, and how turning art into content creation ruins the work, and the creator's life. It's free to read in full (or have narrated to you by the app!) on Substack.

[destinygoldenstar]

Heyo. So I just rewatched the episode ‘Tick Tock’.

Why? I don’t know. I just found the episode in my YouTube recommend today and I like the episode, so why not?

Blah blah blah, it still holds up, it’s still one of the best episodes of the entire series a decade later. It’s gold.

I just wanted to praise a part of this episode that I think is very underrated.

That’s the other ninjas reactions to the reveal. Like we all focus on the reveal itself, understandable, but I don’t think enough people talk about how significant of a reaction this is for the others to have this.

They just found out one of their surrogate brothers is actually a robot. (That’s not a spoiler, you’ve all seen toy sets, and this twist is basically a ‘duh’ now. But back then? With us nostalgic viewers who saw this as kids, we had no clue, man! This was not only such a shock but one of the best handled plot twists I’ve ever seen in a cartoon.)

And yet while they are shocked and unsure how to take it, they almost immediately decide to accept that. They try to make it clear this doesn’t change how they feel about Zane at all.

In any other show that would do something like this, the others would probably go ‘OMG, you’re different from the rest of us. How can we trust you now?!’ And there would be a fight and a storm off and they’d walk away out of confusion over how to feel about their friend anymore. I don’t think that would’ve worked nearly as well even if the lesson was ‘grow to accept it’.

Weirdly enough, they probably would have sims just that if this was revealed a few episodes ago. Particularly Episode 2. That episode was about the ninja finding Zane odd cause not only did he lack the same humor they did, but he also did ‘strange’ things and reactions, one of which got censored in certain versions of that episode. (Don’t go in the fridge, kids)

That episode also ended with the others blaming Zane over the destruction of the Monestary, irrationally mind you, and them apologizing to him for such and promising to try and accept and understand him.

And, well, they’re doing that here. This isn’t a repeat. They had already learned the lesson to accept people wired differently, literally in this case, and they’re applying that here. Little hesitation. Because they care about Zane and his mental health at this moment.

It’s no fight or blowout or storm off or anything. Zane HIMSELF pushes them away because he’s too emotionally distraught to process his whole identity being revealed to be different from the others. And they accept that once it’s made clear and give him some space.

This was the moment that made me truly respect the ninja’s brotherhood. And it’s what made me have so much respect for all of them as characters. Even through the familial jabs, they know when one of them isn’t doing well and accept that to help them.

Whether or not you consider Zane being a robot autistic symbolism, trans symbolism, or whatever, is entirely up to you. But I can say as an autistic person, this resonated with me and made me feel heard. This tells me, more than anything, that it doesn’t matter. People will accept you. And autistic, robot, or not, you’re still a part of the community you deem family. (Take notes, Dhar Mann. This is how you do it.)

Ah, I miss when Zane was a three dimensional character back in the day. I believe the writers have addressed the recent criticisms towards his character and are working towards trying to salvage that to give him depth again. And I am absolutely here for that.

[katyspersonal]

If you get this, answer w/ three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs. anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog!

Oh, nice chain! Alright, let's see!

1) I work at the post office! With customers, not as a postman! I am a little snarky but competent and super serious. Many customers that want to get into my window specifically. o_o" This is kind of time-consuming and not very rewarding, but it is really hard to find a better job in where I live. You know, the whole thing where companies only pretend to be hiring people and every interview is by default declined because they're content overworking their 2 workers doing work of 10 people? xD Fun thing: this is the THIRD time I am back at this workplace! Because they also keep trying to lessen their staff number to save money on salaries, but every time their business starts collapsing and they end up hiring again. They NEVER learn :/

(Lmao ffs I should just make this goddamn image my blog banner if this is the only punchline I know of 💀💀💀)

2) I bought PS4 specifically to be able to play Bloodb0rne! As good as I've gotten with lore and headcanons despite only "experiencing" the game via wikias and playthroughs, I NEEDED to lay my hands on it because asking all three of my friends for this or that screenshot became bothersome!

Bought it for half-price from a gamer that got PS5 and no longer needed PS4. Well.. Back then I could not have had an idea I'd end up getting into entire series, so now I know DeS is not accessible for me. Not sure if I can repeat this maneuver; not only PS5 costs more than I do myself, but also saving became impossible in where I live since then!

3) I've learned English 80% thanks to ask-blogging and RPing online! In fact, because of how much I am using English, at this point I am thinking on English more often than on my native language. I was pretty great in school English classes (best, actually), but the real turning point was having to go to English-speaking spaces for fandomry and RPing. I've just never found my place in Russian speaking fandoms, being a raging autist obsessed with every single canon detail is not common in them and makes people look at you like a looser that doesn't have """real""" life or """real""" hobbies if they act like this. :p So, when as a teen (16) I saw how much fun English-speaking fans had with fandoms here on Tumblr, I just HAD to try and level my English to be able to interact.

Granted, it is debatable whether local fandoms actually were never great, or it was my OWN bad luck of running into boring superfical level fans.. but I am glad that I've put my activity as a fan in this cursed hellsite, and ended up speaking English so fluently that many people are surprised it isn't my native one. xD

[guessimabasicnerdgirlnow]

Alright, here is a full post of my negative thoughts about the movie. Like I said before I overall liked it, but I need to verbalize these thoughts too specially now after seeing other people’s opinions too

I saw that some people’s complaints about the ending concern Eddie not reacting as if he was truly mourning. This is not a complaint I have. Idk maybe it’s the autistic in me who doesn’t always react in ways that visibly match people’s expectations. I think he looked sad enough, and there’s also the fact that until the last moment he was still trying to find a solution in which no one had to die, and once it was clear that there wasn’t one, he was ready for them both to die together. And even when he saw what V was planning he was still expecting V to reach for him, because maybe they could just leave the xenophages in the acid and go back to him? And when he wakes up he wants so badly for it not to be true.

I don’t know how much time was supposed to pass between he waking up and the last scene, but it felt to me like he went from having not processed any of it to having come to terms with it and wanting to only remember the good times, which feels to me like a way I would process grief so I didn’t feel insincerity in this

(And also clearly they wanted the movie to end in a brighter note, a “thank you for the memories” being the end of the trilogy and all that)

My problem specifically came actually from two scenes that were some people’s favorites: the “you would make a great father” one and the looking at the couple in Vegas. I did not interpret those as Eddie imagining/wishing for this sort of life with V, they felt to me like glimpses at the life he could have had if he never met V. A life that he can have now without V

I really hope the intended meaning is closer to the former than the latter, and I will see how it feels when I rewatch it someday, but. I remember Eddie at least once saying his life would be simpler without V. Meeting V was a direct consequence of the choice that took away the future he could have had with Anne. And I kinda blame the comics here too, because as much as we love the messy alien/human Symbrock family, very often when the family subject is brought up it is only the hypothetical Eddie+Anne family (my beloved Venom Beyond arc is like this, as is all of Cates’ run, that’s where the whole Sleeper going “Eddie is not my father” started, the whole “you deal with your child (Carnage) while I deal with mine (Dylan)”. The movie is mostly based on Cates stuff. There’s also the story of Anne’s death which starts with Eddie wanting her back. For each time there’s a lovely scene of them being a couple and a family there’s one they’re not)

I’m not saying that this is what the movie meant with these scenes, like I said I hope it’s not, but it’s how I felt. That’s what it made me think of

And then there’s the matter of the self sacrifice mirroring the first movie. I was being very loud (at least at home) about not believing this would happen in this movie because it felt weak to me, to the point I ended up losing a bet with my sister about it lol. I am maybe starting to see some beauty in it, in the pattern, but this is the work of the tumblr fandom. The movie alone didn’t make me feel anything but a tired “oh no they are really doing that” and lamenting how sis will never let me forget it

But really there’s the fact that I watched it thinking of it as the last one ever, the last time I will ever see these characters. I didn’t know there was a possibility of a sequel, and even now I am not sure how likely it is but I don’t really know how this stuff works (for my own sanity’s sake). A sequel makes sense with the post credits scenes though, so whether there ends up being one or not it seems possible they made this movie intending for there to be one, which changes some of my views, I think

If there is a sequel, even without Eddie, some of my speech about this being an ending in which “everything goes back to normal” becomes a little invalid

I am still mourning all those other symbiotes though. Specially Lasher and the Wise Green One and Two Heads. And Patrick. And Rex. Someone mentioned the cockroach maybe not being directly the next host V will find to get out of there but as symbolizing that symbiotes like cockroaches can survive anything, which is comics accurate, and that is a nice thought and a hope I’m clinging to

[aemiron-main]

Hey this is not meant as a criticism of your or others time travel theories, so don’t take it the wrong way, just speaking as a pleb, I do think the timeline thing tho, unless it’s explained in a way that’s super easy to understand, runs the risk of pissing off a lot of people and feeling unsatisfying simply because it’s a very confusing concept to a lot of people in general, and I know in the past a lot of “alternate reality” type “twists” (like it was just a dream, or time travel, or everything was made up in an autistic boys mind—yes that last one happened on an 80s show) have made audiences mad simply because they felt cheated and like a lot of stuff they thought mattered didnt, and for all the people online who are reading theories and scrutinizing things, there are millions more who aren’t and they should be able to follow along as well and feel satisfied (and while I am a tumblr girlie who has followed theories for years, even I didn’t clock time travel and timeline shit till you guys pointed it out here on tumblr so like, even for people in the fandom it’s easy to miss, so i imagine most GA hasn’t clocked it either ) and I’m concerned about how this theory might play out ….

I personally don’t hope it’s about timelines and such simply because of my own selfishness and no matter how i try, while the concept is interesting to me, i find it too confusing and convoluted to understand or enjoy. like i’m trying i wanna be one of the cool kids but it just… loses me completely.

i am PRAYING that if you all are right, and there are these timeline things, that the Duffers really have a succinct, and easily digestible way of revealing this to the audience that won’t take up a whole 30 min of plodding exposition that will leave the GA scratching their heads, but have it be ah OOOH WOW clever and easy to grasp twist that doesn’t leave fans feeling cheated.

I don’t care what the ending is tbh I just want them to stick it and for me to be able to understand it lol

Hey anon! This reply is gonna be shorter than I want it to be simply bc I am super sleepy rn but I just want to toss this post your way where I talked about this whole thing more in depth!

I totally see your concerns, but I actually have seen A LOT of GA folks point out the time travel/timeline stuff (just not as specific/in depth as we’ve done on tumblr), so as far as that part goes, I don’t think there’s too much to worry about. We also have to keep in mind that the duffers, while they ARE trying to write a coherent, cohesive story, are not trying to appease the GA. Many GA members also think that Byler would be “out of nowhere and too difficult to understand”. And also, I say this with Love In My Heart, but I don’t care about “well Everyone should be able to follow it and understand it”/“it would suck,” and i dont mean “i dont care” in a mean way towards you, i just mean it literally. I don’t care. Because my focus, when doing analysis, is “what is the show saying/doing?”, rather than “is the show doing it well/are they going to explain it well?”. Do i think they’re going to do it well? Yes! And I talked about that more in that post I linked. But I’m also not writing my theories around whether or not I think it would be good or bad or easy to understand- I’m writing my theories around the evidence we have & trying to figure out what they’re doing, whether they do it well or do it badly.

Like, I do disagree with “they should be able to follow along and feel satisfied” when it comes to ST & when it comes to that as an argument against timeline stuff. And the reason I disagree is because a.) they WILL be able to, just on a surface level, even if they dont fully comprehend it and b.) I don’t think a show as detailed as ST, is obligated to tone itself down. People can rewatch & figure things out like a puzzle. I don’t think all media needs to be completely, fully easily digestible for everyone. I think it’s fine to make viewers need to think about things!!! And I think that the duffers/the ST team is going to be able to find a happy medium between the more complex stuff & a simpler cohesive surface narrative, especially since the timeline stuff doesnt so much seem to be “going back and fixing things/none of mattered” as it is “the timeline stuff has been causing problems from the Very Beginning and we need to set it right/everything still happened.” I also think that a lot of it us the duffers fucking with the audience’s perception of things & that we’ve already been seeing multiple timelines the whole time, which allows them to tie things up more neatly because they dont have to blast through and show us all the timelines- we’vd already seen them.

I hope this is somewhat coherent bc like I said im half awake right now, so if any of this sounds snarky towards you, it’s not meant to be! <333 I really do think they’ll be able to pull things off in a way that’s complex enough to be interesting/leave more puzzles to solve/make people rewatch to spot things, but also still easy enough to understand that things are wrapped up effectively! And personally, if they ARE going to mess it up (which i really really doubt they will, because like i talked abt in that linked post, the timeline stuff is alllllll interconnected to the main unsolved questions/plot points in ST) there’s nothing i can do about that!!! I’m not in the writers’ room! So, I focus on what I can do- analyzing the information we have & trying to figure out what direction the show is going to take, regardless of whether that direction is good or bad. (and i think it’ll be fantastic!!)

[alpaca-clouds]

Also, the thing with Hector

You, after blogging about the entire Trevor thing, I really wanna write about something else, too. And that is Hector. Because steady as clockwork there will be tweets on Twitter and blogs here on tumblr, about how horribly written Hector supposedly is and how little sense his role in the animated series supposedly makes.

And, honestly, as an autistic person this almost feels a bit hurtful.

Because… Look, I have no idea whether it happened on purpose or accidentally (there is just a large number of neurodiverse folks running around in creative areas after all), Hector very much reads as a neurodiverse, possibly autistic character. And as such, yes, he very much makes sense as a character to a lot of autistic folks.

Yeah, yeah, I know, a lot of folks will be like: “But why make him a general?” To which I will just look in confusion, because, well… A) Dracula explains his reasoning (Hector and Isaac are humans aligning with his goals, hence he deems them more trustworthy than the other vampires). B) We know forgemasters are rare (probably, because they get hunted down by the church) and the two might well be the only forgemasters he knows. And he needs forgemasters and had to make sure they were loyal. C) It is not as if Dracula is of sound mind – while the other vampire generals only listen to the two forgemasters, because Dracula tells them to.

And everything else kinda makes sense, too, especially reading him as autistic. He is a victim of child abuse, he clearly has some developmental delay (several characters refer to him as being “child-like”) and he is really bad at reading other people’s intentions (again, something that very much speaks for him being neurodiverse in some capacity), leading to him easily getting manipulating. It might be noted that the fact, that over the entire course of the series, no matter how much shit he gets put through, he never actually cries, also speaks to this.

The thing that most annoys me, though, is how people will then argue, that his game version was better written, which… it is just not? I am sorry, in general I like the Castlevania games, but as written in the Trevor rant this morning: The 3D games are the exception. I hate them. All four of them. With St. Germain (yes, the one character, where I agree that the series kinda did him dirty) as the sole exception, I think that Curse of Darkness is horribly written.

And you know what? The reason I consider the Netflix version of St. Germain to be bad, is the same reason I hate the game version of Hector: Their sole reason for acting is a refrigerated woman. Their entire motivation in the plot is a woman getting lost (in the case of Netflix!St. Germain) or killed (in the case of Game!Hector). Though, really, Game!Hector takes is to a whole new level, because he then goes, finds a woman who happens to look like the refrigerated girlfriend, shrugs and goes living with her. Which is just… Wow, that is just such horrible writing!

Just the disdain that game has for the female characters in question… Thanks, I fucking hate it.

And yes, I am very much aware that the manga exists. But… It really does not make things better, doesn’t it, except from giving Rosaly some basic character instead of making her the “quickly mentioned dead girl, who gets replaced by Julia”. But to be frank, the heel-face-turn still does not make a lot more sense with that context added.

Really, I cannot shake the feeling, that the main issue, folks have with Hector’s arc in the series, is, that it categorically refuses to give them a power fantasy, aka the thing that the game obviously is all about. Hector does not get a power fantasy, he gets a disempowerment fantasy instead, his big moment of agency involving him cutting of his own finger.

But here is the thing: You can dislike that… but it is not “bad writing”. Just because you wanted that power fantasy and did not get it, it is not bad writing. Especially in an ensemble series like Castlevania it is perfectly fine, that not all characters get the big power fantasy.

And honestly, there is some shaky writing in the series. Again, St. Germain and just… season 4 is at least weirdly written. The pacing is super weird and it is just so weird, how the series shrugs off most of the trauma from season 3. And I have spoken before about how I did not like that Hector somehow forgave Lenore off-screen. But him not having a big hero moment? Yeah, I am absolutely alright with that.

[strangerunchained]

My name doesn’t matter, I love names and want you to call me whatever you see in me whatever I am to you, but if you need to call something you can call me “sub” or “stranger”. All my stuff is okay to reblog

I love attention more than anything in the entire world, but if you are a sissy blog, chaser, or minor please leave, I can’t force you out but If I find you I will block, I am not for you.

I’m 23 autistic trans and a girl coded thing, this is a personal blog about everything that makes me actually tick, where I can talk about what makes me succumb and makes me go fuzzy.

Just because I’m a thing doesn’t mean I’m unbreakable, you have to treat me with some respect. Just because I’m free use doesn’t mean I don’t have boundary’s, talk to me and get to know me please :)

My favorite things are mind control, hypnosis, and transformation of all kinds.

I’m a system but this is ALL about me, if we get close you can ask but besides that you don’t need to know.

I’m very nice and submissive, there isn’t a single dominate bone in my body, if you play with me the right way I’ll melt in your hands! And you have permission to try!

I am also owned and poly! My master allows me to have this freedom and I have his permission to flirt and play with whoever I wish, as long as I never call anyone else master or mistress. So if you get me to submit I will probably just call you ma’am or sir or whatever you command me to say! Unless you get permission from my master but we are getting WAY ahead of myself.

All in all, this blog is for 2 reasons

1. I want to be an open source for many relationships, whether that be platonic romantic or sexual, although remember I am owned and he knows everything that goes on here. I want to make those connections and I want to be honest in who I am with those connections,I feel submissive down to my core, I’ve always felt like that, and I want to form relationships where that can be used to the fullest, where it is always known, so this is my safe haven to do that.

2. This is my place to be honest with myself and those I chose to make relationships with although I give so much power away it is still my place, if you are mean I will block you, if you make fun of my friends I will block you, i have dealt with a world that has rejected me, this is my place of freedom.

If you’ve read this far got through all the colors and want to get to know me, you have my permission to dm me or send me asks. I hope to be of service.

[constantlyoverthinking]

Autism rant/vent

For context, I’ve been researching ASD for almost a year now, ever since I’ve first suspected I might be autistic. During this period of time I’ve concluded that there is indeed a very high chance of me being on the spectrum. When I brought this topic up to my parents they outright denied even the possibility of me being neurodivergent and refused to elaborate further.

That’s why I’ve decided to fool my mum into doing a screening test for me today, without her knowing it’s for ASD (although she figured it out herself towards the end based on the questions) and the result was that I do have symptoms and a check for a formal diagnosis would be recommended if possible. This is something I‘ve already known, but I can’t do much with it alone and I thought that maybe, because it was all mom’s answers she would give the result a higher degree of consideration.

First, I have to clarify that a formal diagnosis is a privilege and a self-diagnosis is completely valid. That being said, I would personally prefer to have a formal diagnosis, for numerous reasons, one of them being imposter syndrome. A feeling that for some reason I am faking all my autistic symptoms, obviously I do realize that it makes no sense. However, every time I defeat this imposter syndrome with reason, the lingering sense of doubt comes back after some time once more. It is hard to refute something with logic when it is not based on logic at all. And I hope that a diagnosis would help with that. I must admit this and many other reasons why I want a formal diagnosis are selfish. But does that matter? I don‘t think so, I digress though.

When I asked my mother whether I could try to get a diagnosis after I showed her the result of the screening test, her argument changed from „you aren’t autistic, cause you can‘t be“ to „I still don’t believe you’re autistic, but even if you are, getting a diagnosis is not only pointless, it’s actually immoral, for psychiatrists are overworked and if you go to one, you might take the place of someone who is not as capable as you and actually needs the diagnosis“, there is so much wrong with this argument, but I won’t get into it, because I don’t think she really believes in it.

No, I think she just says whatever it takes to make me and her believe I’m „normal“, by normal I mean the preconceived notion of perfection she has created for herself about me. And when this delusion is met by reality (like me showing signs of autism) she does what she can to preserve it, it doesn’t matter if it’s manipulation or ignoring everything which doesn’t fit her view. I think she does this because she realizes that if she’s wrong, it would break her perception of her being a good parent and she couldn’t cope with that.

I don’t think she is a bad person, I’m just infuriated at her inability to accept mistakes that affects my own life. While writing this I realized it’s not only about autism, but my mental health in general, however, the difference with autism is I care about it more than I’ve learn to care about my other issues (I am not saying that autism is an issue, but the way my mother sees it is).

There isn’t a concrete conclusion to this post, I just needed to get a few thoughts out of my head. By the way, I apologize for any and all grammatical errors in this text, I’m not a native english speaker (nor writer).

[anoceanthesizeofmyheart]

February 19th 2023

My room has always been the hangout room, it's been the room where people sit on my bed, where they get their own drinks and feel comfortable. But sometimes it’s too much, I don’t want my bed to smell like you, I don't want to have to remake it. I don’t want you to hug my toy and I don’t want you to vape. I want my room to smell like my room. Really I want a house, I want a house where my room is separate, just for me. Maybe me and a partner or me and my best friend. But that’s it, I want it to be a space for me rather than a space for everyone.

He messaged her. After two and a half years he messaged her and those feelings from the other guy came back. The feelings that my memories with him weren’t true, that my mind blew them up to something bigger than they actually were. They were small moments, it wasn’t anything. He didn’t care about me, I didn’t get the text. I didn’t matter, yet she wanted to include me in the reply. But what if he turns back and says that I am nothing, that I meant nothing and that I was never anything. That would hurt, but what if it’s true. He doesn't; deserve anything, but we deserve an answer. We deserve to know why, why did you disappear, why did you think it was okay, why did you think leaving was the answer. 

Are we bad people for not considering the worst? I don’t think so. Because without context I can think what I want. I can relive every reason for him to abandon us. That’s what this is right? Abandonment. Another name to a list of people who have done it. 

I’m tired and ill. I can’t tell whether it’s burnout or actual illness. We’ll see. 

My therapist said I was being micromanaged at work and that’s hard. She also said she thought my team leader is autistic and maybe that’s why he manages me so wrongly. It might be true. But it doesn’t lessen the hurt he has caused. He made me ill with the way he made me feel. 

My Doctor told me I wasn’t lying, that my feet are inflamed. That I am chronically ill, that’s what it boils down to. But that’s good, I have answers then, it wont fix it, but I can do something, I can manage it, rather than drown in the pain. Now I just have to accept the help, I have to ask for the help, I have to stand up for myself rather than others. That might be the hardest thing. But that’s okay.

It’s all okay. Right?

[rustedskyprisms]

I wonder if I have borderline personality disorder. I know that’s a very controversial diagnosis and it’s just been turned into a fucking meme by a bunch of people, but I have a lot of symptoms, and it’s absolutely affected my life. The thing that gets me is the fact that so many autistic women get misdiagnosed with that, so it really could just be the results of autism, severe mental illness, and all the other shit I’ve had to deal with causing this.

I’m not self diagnosing or anything, but I’m also not the type of person to just suggest shit like this for no reason. I’m never going to be that “I think I have ADHD, I think I have bipolar disorder, etc” person when there are no actual symptoms for said conditions.

I think it’s very obvious how emotionally unstable I am. It’s so bad that I don’t even interact with people online anymore most of the time. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle anything. I wrote out a very long thing about all of this but sharing it just feels stupid.

I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t know how I’m going to make it in this world. I’m in so much pain, I hate myself so much, all I want is someone to love me. That’s literally all I want. I want someone to love me and never leave and never make me feel the way everyone else has. Like it’s actually not funny or quirky or interesting at all, any of this. It’s like a drunk person who just cries and cries about how no one loves them. I have such an extreme emptiness. There’s a pain inside of me that I cannot articulate, but it can be almost physically distressing. And as I’ve mentioned, the self-hatred is terrible. I hate how fat I am, I hate that I’m disabled, I hate that I have all this shit wrong with me, I hate that I can’t have “normal” interests, I hate that I feel like I can’t connect to anyone. It’s just so ugly. The only thing I actually enjoy doing is getting fucked up. It doesn’t matter if the experiences can be terrible, if they hurt my body, that’s a genuine love that I have, and my relationship with drugs is so unhealthy. It’s like the idealization shit I do with people is done with that shit as well. I’m not sexually active, but I have very unhealthy views of sex, like I have these fantasies of having like six different men in my life, not because that’s what I actually want, but because I desire the validation. Like I’ve had so many issues with men because I just want one of them to like me, and it’s really pathetic and unhealthy but it doesn’t leave. No amount of feminist theory or any of that can get these feelings out of me.

I just feel like an ugly, worthless child. Nothing positive anyone tells me is enough, I can’t let all the negative go. It’s all I focus on. Whether I actually have this or not, all I know is that I am extremely fucked up. It’s not funny, it’s not interesting, it’s not cool, it sure as hell has not made me “hot”. It’s just painful. I’m always in so much pain. It’s affected my relationships with others, because I don’t have healthy views of other people. I feel bad for everyone I’ve been close to, whether in person or not, because it’s hell. You never know what you’re going to get. I can go from literally spending a bunch of money on someone to not interacting with them at all, and it’s all me. It’s not them. It’s that I do not have healthy perceptions of other people. And I feel so bad for dragging them into this, so I’ve just stopped. I’ve just started to be really shut off from everyone, because I can’t keep doing shit like this. It’s bad for me, it’s-well, I don’t know how it actually affects them, but the whole dynamic is just unhealthy. But it’s not them, it’s me. In my head, it’s them, but rationally, I know it’s not.

This is a major reason my relationship with my sister is so bad. She has a ton of issues too, but the way I view her fluctuates a lot. I love her more than anything, but I’ve also felt extreme hatred for her. She’s hurt me a lot, so that’s relevant, but the way I view her is really weird.

I don’t know, holy shit, like the more I examine myself, the more I look into this, it sounds a lot like me. Not all of it, but a good portion of it. But it might not be that, I might just be very, very, very emotionally unhealthy. But if it is, yay, more shame. Another thing I’m going to hate myself for.

My question is, why the fuck do people think this shit is funny? Or “hot”? Or some aesthetic thing? It’s hell. And I hate this “female manipulator” shit. I really do. Not every severely mentally ill woman is some hot, thin person with a blog and an apparently “edgy” but actually very safe taste in media.

[drdemonprince]

I'm reading your book rn and seriously contemplating a self dx, but I wondered if, in your work, you've come across any research on the percentage of people that think they're autistic that actually end up being autistic. Like if I think I am, is it likely that I am? You may talk about this in your book, so my apologies! I just started it this weekend. Thank you for reading! xx

Well, if we understand Autism under the neurodiversity paradigm, we can't ever really answer this question, because then Autism is not a simple binary thing or a defect that can be fairly diagnosed. And if that is the case then there is no objective answer to the question of whether a person is "really" Autistic or winds up actually being Autistic. This is before we even take into account the fact that at least 50% of the American population does not have access to mental healthcare insurance or an Autism assessment -- meaning that if we relied on diagnoses alone, at minimum we are underestimating the size of the Autistic population by half of what it actually is. More on all this in the book of course, so please do keep reading.

It's a bit like asking "how many people who think they are trans wind up really being trans?" It's an unanswerable question, because nobody else should get to decide who "really" is trans but the trans person themselves. Some people google trans things and attend gender support groups and play with gender and do not arrive at trans as the best way of understanding them. But if someone is doing that much inner gender work...they're our kin regardless, they are harmed by cissexism as we are, and they belong with us, goddamn it and they are welcome no matter how they identify! same here. some people who look into an autistic identity decide something else fits better, but that does not change the fact they are in community with us and share our struggles and concerns.

 i think anybody who wants to call themselves autistic should do so. doesn’t hurt me one bit. everyone is harmed by neuroconformity no matter how they self identify, i just want people to realize that. 

[chienlicencieux]

I realized I don't actually like the coffee I've been drinking every single day for the last 19 years.

(general trigger warnings: ableism, malignant narcissism, gaslighting, self harm. nearer the end is a paragraph completely in italics; these are all direct quotes from my mother. further additional trigger warnings for that paragraph include: homophobia, transphobia, forced heteronormativity, weird ass shit you should never say to your child about sex, eating disorder narratives, etc.)

That's the thing about having a malignant narcissist for a mother; anything you do that she doesn't like isn't allowed, and everything she does you have to love, even if you don't actually like it.

I started drinking coffee when I was about 12 years old - Maxwell House, original roast, brewed a little weaker than average (because it's so very human to make something you like a little shittier so that you can have more of it, after all) with some processed white sugar. I drank my coffee this way for 19 years because it's how I was told coffee was drank. Have I had different, better coffee, many many times in many many places? Absolutely. Did any of that matter to someone that was taught and molded and coerced since birth to be a little copy of their mother? Apparently not.

My life changed last summer. This is a complete understatement in general when you consider that I burnt out so bad I almost died, or when you consider that I quit the job I'd had for the last 12 years straight, but it is an accurate statement to describe the sensation of being on a farm in the middle of nowhere, mostly off the grid, drinking a different brand of coffee, completely black, and instantly having to go hide in the bathroom so no one would see me start crying.

That's another thing about being raised by a malignant narcissist - what other people think of you is not only a reflection on you, but it's a reflection on your mother, after all. If I don't behave absolutely perfectly, then did she even raise me right? If I'm socially awkward, whose fault is it? If I walk on my tiptoes, or chew on my hair, or shut down when I hear a specific noise, then what would people think of her? "No child of mine is going to be autistic," she would insist, changing my behavior until it fit her standards. "When you're a guest in someone's home, don't you dare turn down anything they offer you. If you don't like it, you have to act like you do so that you don't offend them, because then they'll never invite you over again and they'll think I raised an ungrateful little bitch." It sounds like something out of a Los Angeles writers' room full of 50-something year old cishet white men trying to write an edgy character for an HBO spin-off. It doesn't feel real when I write it down, even though I was told it to my face every single time I went to someone else's place.

The fun part about being told you're not autistic when you very much are is that you're forced to simply shove everything down as hard and as deep as you can with every bit of you until you can do no better, and then you can only simply hope that it'll be enough to satisfy the person insisting it to you. You learn to hold every single muscle in your body still and solid and to only move them when it's "right" to do so - am I supposed to make this face in response to that comment? Is gesturing like this with my arms normal, or is it too much? How do I control my body to look as normal as humanly possible when I put a food or drink in my mouth that makes me want to start shaking? How do I control my face to keep myself from frowning when the texture in my mouth makes me want to rip my own skin off?

How the fuck do I swallow without betraying that there's something wrong with me?

The answer? You just practice at home until you learn to do it, because it's not like your mother gives a shit about whether or not you like a food that she likes - you're supposed to like everything she likes! She's the main character, not you! You're just a trophy to show off to her friends for now, until that magic someday when you’ll finally become a servant to her every need, because that's all children are good for, after all. So you sit at the dinner table and swallow the unseasoned soggy steamed broccoli again and again until you learn to hold so still that when you shake it's basically imperceptible. You swallow mouthful after mouthful of baked potato with hardly any butter and maybe some pepper if you're lucky until you figure out how to dig the nails of one of your hands into your skin under the table hard enough to distract you from how bad it feels in your throat but not so hard to attract any sort of attention to the motion.

I really did do my best. I still have people telling me "there's no way you're autistic" even now, simply because I got so good at hiding all of it. But there will always be tastes and textures that I cannot handle, and they will always trip me up. I often struggle with black coffee, but the sugar usually saves me. But when you're in someone else's home not only are you not allowed to turn anything down - you can't ask for anything else either.

So, cut to me, standing in the kitchen of the family farm house that belongs to my partner's father, pouring a cup of black coffee because he was kind enough to make it. Me, checking the fridge and the pantry to see if I could find the sugar without having to ask and being unsuccessful. Me, taking a deep breath and engaging every single part of my body as I took a sip of it so I wouldn't have any sort of visible reaction to the taste, to the brew strength, to the texture of a coffee I'd never had before in my life.

It was the best cup of black coffee I've ever had. I have since switched to the brand at home. I'll never go back.

I didn't know it wasn't supposed to feel bad to drink coffee.

I proceeded to follow this up later that night by silently having a meltdown in the living room because I could smell how much sour cream he was putting in the food and knowing that I was going to have to force myself to eat it even though I can hardly even smell sour cream without almost throwing up. My partner immediately went in and asked him to make a separate dish without any and it wasn't even a problem but of course it wasn't a problem because it was their father and they were allowed to ask for things. But I couldn't ask for it! Because I had it beat into me for years that it was better for me to suffer and force myself through the interaction than to ask for a simple accommodation and risk embarrassing my mother that I'm not even in contact with any more. Than to risk being told to leave and never come back.

Because that's another fun thing about autism... if you're told or taught that something is true, then it is true. It just is. She said it to me so many times, and she was so serious about it. I would get screamed and cussed at once we got home if I didn't clear my plate when we visited a friend's place. If I had the audacity to say something like "oh, thank you, but I'm alright, I don't really like (x) actually," she would treat me like I had personally ruined her friendship with the host, even though we always got invited back.

I have mountains upon mountains of proof over the years that what she taught me wasn't true. That if I say, "oh, actually is it okay if you don't put Ranch on mine?" no one is actually going to tell me to fuck myself and to leave immediately and then call her and tell her what a spoiled little rotten bitch I was and how they never wanted to speak to her again if that's how she raised her children.

Hosts want their guests to be comfortable. Hosts want their guests to feel welcome and be happy.

I am 31 years old and I still can't ask for no onions.

If this is so deeply beaten into me, if this is engraved as a truth in my soul, then what does that mean for everything else?

She spent my whole life beating things into me. Repeating things to me. Gaslighting, manipulating, controlling me.

How much more of my foundation is just based on lies? How much less do I actually need to be suffering?

When you're a guest in someone's home, don't you dare turn down anything they offer you. If you don't like it, you have to act like you do so that you don't offend them, because then they'll never invite you over again and they'll think I raised an ungrateful little bitch. - I don't care if you want to be like your dad. You have to put a shirt on, you're a girl. You'll never be a boy, so you need to stop thinking about it and get over it. - No child of mine is going to be autistic. - Quit that, everyone is looking at us. Everyone thinks you're a fucking freak right now. - Do you know what people are going to say about me when they find out? They're going to think I'm a terrible mother. - This is all my fault. You wouldn't have started trying to date girls if I hadn't gone out of state for work; you're only doing this because you were lacking a mother figure. - Maybe if you took that stick out of your ass and smoked some fucking weed with me you'd calm the fuck down for once in your life. - If you keep behaving like that no man is ever going to want you. - Stop walking on your toes like that, the neighbors are going to think you're autistic. - You just think you're a dyke because you're still a virgin. Once you feel how good it feels to have a hot throbbing cock inside of you you'll stop saying this shit. - I can't believe I let you turn out like this. I should just fucking kill myself. - If you don't eat what's on your plate then you can just fucking starve for all I care. I'll sit here all night and make sure of it myself. - Maybe if you put down the potato chips and ate a fucking salad for once in a while you'd lose a couple pounds. - What the fuck do you have to be depressed about? You have everything you could ever need! You're such an ungrateful, selfish little cunt! - I wish I had never had you. This was a mistake. - We can't afford for you to be sick. Suck it up, you’re going to school.

Actually, let's talk about that. Let's talk about the fucking money.

Let's talk about she and I both worked in the same industry making similar income from ages 21-31. I happen to know for a fact that she actually worked overall even more than I did. Cost of living in general is worse now than it was for her 40 years ago. Somebody please explain to me where all the money went. Where the fuck did all her money go? She couldn't spare the $12 in science class fees for me in middle school. She couldn't spare the extra $20 per each honors society I wanted to be in while in high school, so I was only able to join the one without a fee. She didn't want to pony up the $25 for that honor society's cord for my graduation, so I went out of my way to earn it myself in exchange for volunteer hours. She then proceeded to ask me after I walked why so many of the other kids in my graduating class had more cords than me.

Let's talk about how I used $0.89 shampoo and conditioner until I was 17. She used to yell at me because my hair always looked like shit, and she would tell me to brush my hair about six times a day. When she left for one year for work I started buying my own shampoo and conditioner around the $6 mark and the quality of my hair literally changed overnight. When she asked what I was doing differently when she came home, I showed her the shampoo I was buying instead and she said "Oh. Well, I'm not going to be paying for that." She had me washing my face with the same $1 bar of Dove that I used for my body and then would tell me that the reason I was breaking out all the time was because I wasn't washing my face enough. I didn't know what the point of lotion was until I was 26.

Let's talk about how she loved to tell me that I had no idea what it was like to actually be depressed or that I didn't understand how "hard" life could actually be because her bank balance was only $246. Or $62. Or $125. I have factual evidence that she spent approximately a thousand dollars a month just on weed. I completely stopped asking for things for Christmas when I was 11 but all that did was result in her getting me things she liked instead. When I asked for a $12 hair straightener a few years later she told me "I'm not spending that much money on a piece of shit that you're just going to use to look like one of your fucking anime characters" so I bought it myself a few years after that when she was out of state. The first time I came out of my room with straightened hair in front of her she said my hair looked so nice and wanted to know what I did differently; I eagerly replied, "Oh, I got a hair straightener. This is the reason I asked for one before - so I could do this! So, do you think I look like a fucking anime character now?" I still cherish the face she made. It was absolutely worth the fight it started.

Let's talk about how we couldn't afford insurance or dental or vision or to take me to the hospital when I definitely fucking needed stitches somewhere that would be covered by clothing, but how we could totally figure out how to afford to give me braces so that other people wouldn't think that she "didn't take good enough care of me" because of my crooked teeth. My whole life I've always had sore throats that were insanely painful, but when I said I was too scared at age 10 to get my tonsils removed she said that was fine because we couldn't really afford to remove something that isn't visible from the outside, but god she sure did want to pay for a surgery to align my left foot better so I wouldn't walk so pigeon toed. She threatened me with that surgery enough times that I simply learned to hold my whole body tight enough to always visibly walk straight whenever anyone else was present. My hips and lower back are absolutely fucked now because of it but hey, at least no one thought I was autistic, right?

How I felt never mattered! How I looked was the only thing that mattered! How I appeared to other people, how they perceived me, what they thought of me, and how that reflected on her is the only thing that mattered.

Fuck that. I am worth more than the weird little social points I can score for my mother. None of it even mattered.

I have always mattered. I have always been someone. I have always been here.

I refuse to be afraid to be seen any more.

[irlezra]

are you actually autistic or are you saying you are because you want to be different

i’ve been sitting on this ask for a while deciding if i wanted to even dignify it with a response. all i can say is it doesn’t matter to you whether or I’m actually autistic or if I’m lying for attention. you’ve decided in your mind that I’m not and that doesn’t bother me much because i know who i am which is something that very clearly irks you. i hope you find peace, honestly! especially if who i think sent this message did.

[lululawrence]

Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.