#it does help me with coping! and its not inherently bad just because its drugs!!!!

[bunnyboy-juice]

i love that ppl are talking about the real adult problems that come from being autistic, including substance abuse, but can we please be sure that we're not over compensating for this by making the false association that all autistic people who partake in drugs or alcohol are struggling/in a bad place/are abusing it???

[creacherkeeper]

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

[fairycosmos]

no literally its not even pessimistic its just the truth that life is filled with suffering and then you die. what is the point lol. im so tired of hearing "the point is to make your own point 😊😊" no thanks i actually would just like to stop being alive xoxo. im so utterly miserable. ive wanted to die since i was a literal child too so it's not something i can just change my mindset about it's a fundamental part of my beliefs...like maybe im delusional but i cannot change how i feel about this

seriously! like idk what to do because no matter what i believe, no matter how many epiphanies i try to have through reading and drinking and drugs and letting myself age and journaling and meditation and medication - the fundamental reality and its inevitable suffering never changes :/ i never feel better, or solved. there is just no solution for the human condition, and certainly no solution for the specific makeup of my brain and my past. and listen i’ve said “the point is to make ur own point!” to people a thousand times before and people have said it to me a thousand times before and i believe it, too. i think the problem is that it’s quite literally not a satisfactory answer in the face of such immense pain - but it’s also the only one anyone’s got. and it’s not inherently a bad thing, either, but it doesn’t cure us. i am sorry, love. i definitely hear you and am happy to sit with you in the despair for a while, especially if acknowledging it works more for you than trying to “fix” it does. it’s so unrelentingly difficult, all the time. child you deserved better and so does the you of this moment. nobody will ever understand how hard its been for you, and you have every right to be tired. now, disregard this if you don’t want to hear it but i do believe that despite that, your belief system and the way you view yourself can be changed, though it takes a lot of work and time. and unfortunately i think the end result is often not a great and endless love towards yourself, or a state of pure permanent happiness, but more so a steady coping and a constant sense of coming-to-terms. i mean maybe both, who knows. i hope you stick around to experience something like that, even though i know it’s so much easier said than done. i seriously don’t think it’s as out of reach as it feels in the heaviest moments, even though you’re right - mental illness isn’t something you can “just change” about yourself either. the world is the fuckin worst for expecting you to. but adulthood is a de-conditioning for a lot of us. seeking support and help is an even more unsatisfactory answer than the other one, but it’s also something i hope you don’t write off entirely. i hope you’re able to find the tools and the people you need to make this bearable, one day or even one minute at a time. no matter how long it takes. sending u a lot of love. x

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

[azuresquirrel]

rhiorhino

replied to your

post

:

Someone remind me to later put down some random...

Oh? I’m super interested to hear your thoughts!

oh god I love to say that I’m going to talk about a thing and then forget about it and then be unable to come up with anything coherent

BIGASS SPOILERS FOR BOTH THE ENDING OF THE GOOD PLACE AND BOJACK HORSEMAN INCOMING and also this got so fucking long so I’m throwing it under a cut anyway

I’m going to try to put things as simply as possible (ETA: oh my god, I didn’t) - I thought the very last episode of The Good Place was a lovely and fitting send off for each of the individual main characters we’ve gotten attached to, but in terms of setting up big philosophical truths regarding morality large parts of season four really let me down.

(wow you expect a network TV sitcom to give you Big Truths, Shannon? Well when you put it IN THE PREMISE, KIND OF? and no I’m not expecting TGP to answer the question of life’s meaning, if we were capable of answering that question for good I think we would’ve managed it at some earlier point in history than an NBC sitcom, I’m just saying you put that out there)

I’ve been seeing a sentiment floating around that TGP had a great season 1 and 2 and then seasons 3 and 4 were lesser. I don’t agree on season 3, I found that on par, but season 4 verged on some issues I had with the last season of Parks and Recreation where characters were suddenly given absurdly over-the-top happy endings and what little conflicts there were were contrived and solved without much effort.

Basically I’m deeply unsatisifed with their treatment of the Actual Good Place, and if they were going to go there and fix it it had to take more than ONE EPISODE. 

Also this is ENTIRELY a “me” problem but I don’t think the sentiment that “life only has meaning because it ends” is a profound, radical statement (honestly I’ve heard people say it so often it might as well have the depth of a “Live, Laugh, Love” poster). For that to be the answer of how to “fix” the Actual Good Place left me cold and underwhelmed. Everything the show said thematically up to that point was that the reason people want to be good and owe it to themselves and each other to be good is COMMUNITY and CONNECTIONS. I thought the focus should’ve been on THAT versus immediate instant gratification of all of ones hedonistic desires, but what do I know.

Also I found the sheer terror at the prospect of the nothingness beyond death as shown in “The View From Halfway Down”, the penultimate episode of BoJack, to be a much more honest and resonant reaction. To me the whole “oh life only means something because it ends” is just as much a coping mechanism as is the idea of an “eternal paradise” to try to offset the terror that we simply Do Not Know what death is like.

Speaking of BoJack, things ended on a more hopeful note in that show than I expected, but it didn’t feel inconsistent with what had come before, and was more satisfying because it faced extremely difficult questions about the behavior of its protagonist and the duties of the people around him to help him or not in the face of that.

Perhaps that is unfair of me to ask from The Good Place, which was always conceived as an inherently optimistic show, and more focused on ideas of “what ideal environment would make people choose to do good” and less so on grappling with what to do about truly evil actions. 

But I find that in its specificity - in choosing to focus on essentially a few individuals instead of making broad statements about “Good,” BoJack more successfully grappled with the real kind of moral dilemmas that we face in this very imperfect and very real world we live in. 

People can make mistakes, can do bad things. It’s good to help people and to help them be better. These things are easy to say. But what happens when other people are seriously hurt by someone’s bad actions? When it’s a person who has a lot of power - power of money, fame, social status - and that person’s victims, their “collateral damage” don’t have that? BoJack doesn’t say that people can’t change - they can. But does that actually erase the hurt? What role does consequences play in a just universe?

It’s easy to condemn actions from Evil Characters twirling their moustaches. BoJack makes you sympathize with him. It’s hard not to want to root for BoJack when you see his terrible, terrible childhood, how the deck was seemingly stacked against him from the start. But the show BoJack makes it very clear that that stopped being an excuse from him deciding not to grow a very long time ago.

In the end, BoJack got exactly what I wanted for him. I didn’t want him to get a happy ending, he didn’t deserve one from his actions. But I also didn’t want him to get a bad ending, giving the idea that some people are just doomed from birth and will never get better. What I wanted was for BoJack to experience the consequences of his actions, but also to be able to find peace for himself. And both things happened.

I’ve also seen it floating around that by not killing BoJack, but by letting him live in the final episode, that the show “let him off the hook.” I absolutely disagree. Despite said terror in “The View From Halfway Down” death would have been a way out for BoJack. For him to not have to wake up the next day and deal with the mess made by his own actions again. And finally everything caught up to him. As said in the final episode, “sometimes life’s a bitch and you keep on living.” Becoming a corpse in his pool from yet another self-loathing bender was seemingly BoJack’s destiny, but he doesn’t get that. He needs to do the hardest thing possible for him - learn to live with himself.

So it’s much more fitting that we don’t end with BoJack’s End. It’s left up in the air. There’s a hint that he might relapse to addiction again (not to drugs or alcohol but his worst addiction of all - the spotlight), but it’s not final. 

The show also makes it clear that it is more than okay for the others around BoJack to move on with their lives and not be defined by his toxicity. The show doesn’t condemn Hollyhock, the kindest and probably most mature character, for cutting BoJack out of her life when the interviews aired. She doesn’t exist to be BoJack’s “morality pet” to exist in order to prove he is a Good Person because he cares about her and her opinion of him. She had a life long before BoJack and she’ll have a life long after him, and faced with that pattern of behavior she made the most healthy and safe choice for herself.

And likewise with Diane, who has struggled so much with her own mental health issues and is far from perfect but always cared so much more about the potential consequences of her actions than BoJack ever has. (of course you could argue she took it too far the other way, as Guy said once, “I don’t know why I should have to suffer because you have a moral perrogative against feeling good”). Of all the characters Diane struggled the most between her duty to BoJack as a friend she cared about personally, and his actions as yet another rich, protected, powerful man with a history of damaging less powerful women. And the finale lets her let him go. “What if this was the last time we ever talked to each other,” and Diane doesn’t answer.

Because for BoJack to have everything he ever wants, after the hurt he’s caused people like Penny, Charlotte, Sarah Lynn, Gina, many others - is that really a fair and just universe? 

BoJack is messy the way that life is messy and it doesn’t provide easy answers, but it does provide hope, it gives us the truth that life, that living with yourself is often just FUCKING HARD, but you keep on doing it. In the hope that maybe you’ll find some peace. And it doesn’t ignore that real pain caused doesn’t magically “go away” when someone decides to “get better.”

Basically, BoJack to me really grappled with difficult questions of what is to be done when someone we like does bad things, and what are the necessary consequences of that when real hurt has been caused. 

Early on The Good Place was radical for suggesting that the mundane flaws of its main four humans - not war criminals, but selfish, conceited, passive, and unthinking - made them indeed, not good people. It was then radical again when it basically came to the conclusion that true goodness is compromised in a capitalistic system. But in the final season it just kind of devolved into pleasantness instead of grappling with real questions in the way BoJack did.

Again, no one on The Good Place ever did anything as bad as BoJack did - for one, none of them are culpable for the death of a woman in their care like BoJack was for Sarah Lynn - but there was at least some meat to its philosophy. Rolling into paradise and fixing it in the space of one episode does not match that depth or complexity, nor give the sense that anything is really on the line here.

OKAY I HAVE NO CONCLUSION TO THIS, this is literally just unconnected thoughts I have on why I found one series end more satisfying on a thematic level than another’s - maybe???? God help you if you read all the way through this, I have to get back to work now.

[twinkledadwa]

Twinkledad’s #2

Dear Twinkledad,

Am I moving on too fast? I just got out of something super toxic... and not even 10 days later I’m hooking up with someone I just met. My ex really damaged me and I don’t know if I’m doing this to distract myself or if I’m really ready. I feel bad bc this new kid is very sweet and I don’t want to lead him on but also as of right now its just friends with benefits. also I’m talking to a old flame. I just feel lost and like I need a second opinion.

Anonymous.

 Dear Anonymous,  When I answered this question on air, I ran into a few technical difficulties with Serato. As a result, the first song had the audio quality of Never Meant earrape once it finally played. I hope it wasn’t too abrasive! Logan was a big fan of it, though.

 So. 

 Here at Twinkledad’s, we support healthy sex lives. The act of hooking up with someone, even right after a breakup, is completely okay. You have this freedom and it’s in your right to use it. Where you should be careful is your intent behind this FWB relationship. What are you getting out of it? Is it sex for the sake of sex, or are you reaching for something deeper?

 It is wholly possible you could be wanting the “emotional intimacy” often associated with relationship sex. That could be trouble for you and the other party involved.

 Toxic relationships, from common knowledge and experience, can leave a lot of emotional trauma. Now is the time for you to learn how to heal. Finding healthy coping mechanisms is a trial-and-error process. That is what essentially takes up most of the timetable for moving on; once it clicks, and you’ll know when, it’s a matter of days from then.

 The question could be, “am I trying to move on too fast?”.  Forcing yourself to move on, actively or subconsciously, does not allow you the respect you deserve. Applying what was previously said to your specific question, you could be ignorant to what your emotions need right now. Likewise, if your FWB or old flame are not on the same page as you, they could become more attached than you are. No one’s at fault for this. You’d be coping and that’s reasonable.

 You simply asked for a second opinion, and probably didn’t want this long of a response. To give an answer to your original question, yes, I believe you are. I know nothing beyond the question you’ve sent in, but I really wish you the best with everything.

 “Anniversary Song” was chosen for its subject matter. The entire album, Just Married, is a very bitter and real portrayal of breaking up, moving on, and dying angry. 

 “Heathers” is not only catchy, but (possibly) about a booty call. It is a fun introspection about staying up all night and needing someone to talk to.

Glocca Morra - Anniversary Song

Insignificant Other - Heathers

Dear Twinkledad,

How do I apologize to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me? Is there a way where I can apologize without it being self serving?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

 In essence, I feel like this is impossible.

 There’s nothing wrong with that. You should give your interests and the other person’s interests the same amount of respect. It is difficult when you have genuine regret over something and you can’t necessarily go across portraying that when the other person, reasonably so, is hurt/upset/any sentiment that results in them not wanting to talk to you. 

 Apologizing right now, in this situation, will realistically be seen as self serving. In Moral Philosophy we discussed the concept of psychological egoism. Egoism is pretty different from selfishness, as egoism is acting in one’s self interest with wisdom, charity, and kindness towards others. Common critique brings up the possibility that other interests (in this case, the feelings of the other person) could be prioritized and therefore egoism can’t be achieved. Yet a lot of classmates, including myself, argued for all actions being inherently self-interested. Apologizing to your person, how would you consider it? Are you apologizing because they are hurt, or because you miss them?

 That’s not to imply you don’t feel regret. We’re humans, philosophy was never meant to be taken as universal truth. It’s to suggest a possible answer on whether or not it would be self serving.

 I suggest waiting for them to reach out. They could not be fully over what happened, and that’s straight chilling. I’m sure they recognize how you feel. One point in the future will come a time where both of you are on the same page in the same book. 

 “Weird Dream, Conscious Stream” was chosen because A.) I Hate Sex is stellar and B.) suggests an impossible reality for the narrator where the subject and other coexist.

 “Do You Still Hate Me?” was chosen because of the title. According to Hugh, one of the best songs ever.

 “I’m Here for The Pizzah Partie” was an obvious choice. Very obvious. Glaringly obvious. Fact. It’s fact.

I Hate Sex - Weird Dream, Conscious Stream

Jawbreaker - Do You Still Hate Me?

Two Knights - I’m Here For The Pizzah Partie

Dear Twinkledad,

I’m becoming more aware of my sudden anger and sadness outbursts. but I’m scared to go and get checked out bc I don’t want to be drugged up or I guess Face the music.

Anonymous.

Anonymous,

 Let’s say you do get checked out. If you have a mental health diagnosis, good news! You have a mental “illness”. 

 Downside: you are stuck with this for the rest of your life. 

 Upside: you have all the time in the world to learn how to cope with it. 

 Getting checked out does not mean you’ll be drugged up. If you are of age, that’s entirely in your control. There are routes of dialectical behavior therapy (or just normal therapy) you can take. Nobody’s necessarily pro-medication in all situations. It’s hard not to have some ignorance of mental health problems if you don’t have the problem for sure. Take whatever path you feel best suits your needs. 

 We are not our diagnoses. However, it can be of great help to recognize your shitty behavioral ticks and understand why you have them. The start of your question implies you have been aware of specific behavior for some time now. With that, you have already begun to face the music. If you do decide to get checked out but give it a lot of time, a diagnosis could feel like a no-brainer to you. In fact, it could be a weight lifted.

  Misdiagnosis can happen. Wrong meds, taking the medication, can happen. It’s part of coping, it sucks major ass. Time will come where mental health can feel worse than ever and like it is inescapable. The important thing is keeping your head up. I really hope you find the answers you want and or need.

 I chose “As Cool As An Attempted Suicide”, beyond what the name suggests, for its energy. It’s a fun song for its subject matter. Being sad is not necessarily always bad.

 “Why Am I Not Going Under Water?”/Snowing as a whole was an emotional crutch for me when I went through similar struggles. Galm’s vulnerability made me realize I was not alone, and hopefully it does the same for you too.

Leer - As Cool As An Attempted Suicide

Snowing - Why Am I Not Going Underwater?

Dear Twinkledad,

I've never really been in a real relationship my whole life, haven't even lost my virginity. It bothers me more than it probably should, but I feel almost desperate for a more than just a platonic relationship with someone. Wanna be able to have somebody to kiss/cuddle but seem to screw up every opportunity to have something good with someone.

Anonymous.

  Anonymous,

  A few weeks ago, I matched with someone on Bumble. We had this conversation:

 “Heyy”

 “Sorry, my mom said I can’t talk to girls.”

 “Damn that’s crazy my dad said I can’t talk to boys *frowny face emoji*”

 Then I left her on Read. Point being, everything will be okay.

 Virginity is frustrating, in theory and in practice. It shouldn’t be a crime to not be sexually active or never had a serious relationship. Yes, love is great. However, one thing you’ll most likely learn when you experience love, because you will, is you can live without it. How we’ve constructed what virginity means has set pretty high expectations of what sex is like. In actuality, it’s pretty mediocre. Fun, but as you continue to open the bag of magic sex tricks, you’ll have plenty of mixed experiences. It is not a necessity by any means.

 Love, on the other hand, is uncomfortably tied to our values. For a lot of people, having a family is their primary goal in life. I’ve seen this referred to as “honorable” multiple times as multiple people. What it does, subsequently, is pressure people into viewing sex and love as an accomplishment the same virginity does. Falling in love is an awesome feeling. Falling out of love is a terrible feeling. Experiencing neither does not put such a great weight on your shoulders like love does. To quote Quarterbacks, “love is situational”. You’ll have it. No way in hell you haven’t. The situation has yet to arise.

 Dating apps are not worth it. Love is a feeling, right? There’s no need to force it. If you are relatively new in experience, your perception of love can be greatly skewed. I’m sure, whoever you are, you are in safe hands. You’ll be carried into the world of sex and love naturally, not at your own will, where it’s inevitably messier.

 Once YOU, not anyone else, are satisfied with your romantic life, please send a message back. I wish you the best of luck knowing you have it, and just want you to be happy.

 With a lot of music, worlds tend to be created through the instrumentals and not the lyrics. “Hardly Art” always forces a great sense of introspection and how I handle myself in situations of co dependence whenever it comes on.

 “Try to Sleep”’s vocals, lyrics, and stripped back, lo-fi production echoes loneliness from all fronts.

 Closer - Hardly Art

 Attic Abasement - Try To Sleep

[emilierivers]

【MUSE 71】━━ is that CHLOE LUKASIAK? no, that’s just EMILIE RIVERS, the 17 year old FEMALE who is a HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR. some say they’re INSECURE AND NAIVE, but their family and friends will swear they’re KIND HEARTED AND FORGIVING. when i think of them, i think of STUFFED ANIMALS, HEARTS DOODLED ON NOTEBOOKS, DISNEY PRINCESSES, FAIRY TALES. i wonder if their family know that SHE is hiding that SHE WATCHED SOMEONE AT A PARTY OVERDOSE AND HAS HAD PANIC ATTACKS SINCE THEN. – ( BEE && MST && SHE/HER )

ok wow i had no idea i was gonna pick up another character so soon but im already in love w this rp so i had to bring my angel child emilie who by the way is literally the polar opposite from brinley

shes basically the embodiment of everything soft and pure and cute and innocent

shes 17 and has never said a swear word, never had alcohol, never done anything that the general public would consider ‘bad’

she has the worlds biggest heart okay

her entire purpose in life is to basically help people and if you let her start helping you she will not stop until youre like 111% happy w everything in ur life

shes hates seeing anyone sad???? seeing other people makes her sad and she doesnt really cope w being any emotion other than happy well

if shes practically any emotion other than happy, she just breaks down and starts sobbing and she kinda hates that she cries at everything

shes ridiculously insecure and thats a big reason she tries to make everyone else happy

emilie places her entire self worth into what other people think of her which is why she wants to be a nice person who makes people happy bc then people will think good things about her and then she doesnt feel like the worst person on the earth

shes very overly excited about a lot of things too???? she doesnt need a lot to be happy at all you could give her a pink piece of paper and just tell her that it reminded you of her and shes gonna cherish it forever and be happy for weeks on end

she doesnt truly believe that theres evil in the world like she purposely doesnt watch the news or try to pay attention to anything that would be evil

she just really believes that people are inherently good and cant wrap her head around the idea of people being anything other than good

shes super naive and that plays a big part into why she doesnt believe in evil shit

also shes so easily manipulated???? literally believes anything u tell her

but her naivety and innocent lil heart and how she believes everyone is good truly makes for such an awful combination of her being set up to get her whole world shattered around her

shes also dumb when it comes to forgiving people??? you could literally do the meanest thing ever to her and shes gonna forgive you because she doesnt believe in holding grudges

listen her thinking all people are good just really fucks her up

she truly loves anyone and everyone and definitely believes in love at first sight

shes gets crushes super fast??? like shes one of those girls where if someone holds the door open for her shes like wow thank u i want to marry you now

listen emilies happiest life moment ever was when she told someone her middle name was belle and they said ‘oh like the princess? thats so fitting for you’ she cried okay but also when doesnt she cry

she loves her family so much and even if her siblings are more wild than her she still loves them so much

and she doesnt even really have anything against her step siblings either she thought it was rad that she got a bunch of new siblings

DRUGS TW, DEATH TW

uhhh so listen,,, homegirls life kinda got sucky not that long ago????

emilie does not go to parties ok they scare her

she doesnt like the loud music and shes never had a sip of alcohol and she just does not fit the party scene at all

but somehow one of her friends talked her into going to a party over summer and her friend said she didnt wanna go alone and emilie being a literal angel was like well ok

so they went to the party and after roughly a hour someone starts screaming to call 911

emilie runs out to investigate whats going on and basically someone had overdosed on whatever drug was big that night and was dying pretty much

but like,,,, the whole thing was really not Great and it was messy and even people who were party people were getting freaked out and then you have emilie who has never seen something like this and shes full on freaking out and doesnt know what to do

her friend saw that she was panicking and they left and went back to emilies house and her friend stayed with her because emilie was crying and shaking and she was so scared

and ever since that night shes had really bad panic attacks and nightmares and theyre so scary to her and she doesnt know how to make them stop and its kinda really fucking her up

and wow that was messy af and i know im leaving out a lot of her growing up shit i tried okay intros are hard ,,, but basically what u need to know is that emilie is an angel child and i love her but anways !!! i have a few connection ideas but like i said w brinley, give me drama and ill love u forever !!!!!

people she tries to help????

people shes a good influence on ????

someone who’s a bad influence on her????

uhhhh maybe some of fifty thousand crushes ?????

my brain is fried and i cant think of anything else but just give me drama or not give me some happy shit too just plot w my baby ok !!!!

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Romanticize this!

or

Is youth really wasted on the young?      11-29-20

"Being deeply loved gives you strength, but loving deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

As is normal for me sometimes, I couldn't decide between the 2 titles. Cool thing about writing my way. . . I don't have to decide. I don't write for grades or pay raises, so . . .

You read, you pick the better fit, or let the piece hold a dual-title. Dual title. I like that.

Anyway,

The day we grow up for real is the day we realize surrendering selfishness is in our best interest, as well as in the best interest of some of our loved ones.

Ro·man·ti·cize; a verb, to deal with or describe in an idealized or unrealistic fashion; make (something) seem better or more appealing than it really is.

Lots of words describe the unhealthy, negative behaviors of someone caught up in different types of addiction. It generally depends on the addiction, whether it be drugs, alcohol, codependency, or maybe-usually a combination of several, and the behavior that accompanies it.

Words like rationalize, glamorize, even justify, fit but none embodies the collective whole of all of them like romanticize. I'm pretty sure that best describes why I got into the life all those years ago, and absolutely why I stayed in as long as I did, even after it started to become painful.

It is that unrealistic view of the life and its relationships, that causes the aches and longing to throb in the emotional place of the mind like a migraine until we just can't take it anymore. The only way to stay out is to accept that it isn't the best course for our mental and emotional health. That takes a type of selfish, yet selfless surrender that not everyone gets until they get it.

Seeing someone's mind light up in the back of their eyes, because they're about to go back out, and no amount of talking will pull them back is due to their mind playing those romanticized scenes over and over. Watching it is like getting a whiff of someone else's emotional stimulation. It happens all too quickly sometimes, too.

And although it sometimes feels like it came out of nowhere, it didn't. It's generally been there the whole fucking time, albeit sometimes it was a fight against it.  I've learned this first hand as I've watched loved ones crawl back into bed with the darkness multiple times since I've moved back here.

I remember all those years ago, thinking that to win I had to achieve a status everyone else saw for me, but I had to do it my way. The always high on dope, couldn't cope with pain like an adult, irresponsible, joke of a father, husband, son, scared, abandoned childlike version of me, sometimes makes me wanna scream, cry, and punch myself in the mouth. I look in the mirror, and think "limiting deathbed regrets huh?". I've come so far, and overcome so much more, and the gratitude I carry with me today includes what I've been through, and as fucked up as it sounds I carry some gratefulness in my heart for the hurt felt for hurting those closest to my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm glad I hurt people. Far from it actually, but because I did I know the opposite end now, and the love I give now is beyond measure. All because I've been on both sides of that toxic life-damaging behavior. I love with my whole heart, because I remember loving with pieces of it, if at all, and how painful and confusing it was for my family, especially my children.

Wanting better for a loved one than they, obviously, want for themselves is very difficult a thing to hold fast to. And it sometimes means doing something necessary, even though it doesn't feel right or like love. It is, in fact, love though, if its intent is to better them later regardless of how they feel now or how you "feel" about it in the moment.

Just different life choices. No one is free from the consequences of those choices either, especially not emotionally. I mean drugs can cover up small amounts sometimes but never entirely.

And don't even get me started on codependency, abusive, toxic relationships. Those are definitely a thing, and the real struggle with not understanding just how far from love those really are takes some serious self-examination.

Real love heals. It doesn't prevent growth, I promise. And if real love heals, then real grace holds the power to resolve, but in the way of light or truth. You know when you know. That's all I can say about that part.

I lay my head down at night, counting all the ways, his way might go right, which of course feels limited. Instead of losing sleep thinking about all the ways, it feels it might go wrong.

What if it's not about right or wrong. Everyone makes different life choices, some just feel more wrong than right when actually it's just making it harder on the decider I suppose.

And, and, . . . If I got hung up on every negative, what-if scenario that someone close to my heart could have, well I wouldn't get to sleep for days at a time. That would not be good. At least in the old days, the high covered it all up. Lol no lol

Not everyone can keep up, but when I say 143.2, just know it's a thing. The day the universe said, to me, "I love you too", was a pretty cool synchronicity. I'm catching on a little more, and then a little more with each passing day.

My life, my journey. Accepting mine should inherently mean accepting theirs, no matter what.

The culture, society, even the generation we live in makes just as many collective decisions about our individual futures as we, the individuals, do for ourselves. We accept and maintain happiness and contentment or we don't accept it and we stay sad and miserable, or better yet we fight it, and stay fucked off and angry. The choice is literally in our hands.

Besides this point is another, and another, and another and it doesn't matter to who, your lover, your mother, father, daughter, . . . son, but that "part of me that's you will never die" that too is a thing. A very powerful seed planting tool.

So those of us who have, or those of us who are currently lost in a clouded mindset, cant stay like that forever. One of several styles of stopping will eventually hit. If the sting of hearing love comes across as anger as you step out of the light yet again, I hope it hurts the heart to the point you get out with the same hope and maintain with the same gratitude I was allowed.

May you find that grace and the peace that comes along with it, until then good luck. You'll need it. It only feels good briefly and in little doses. Just like it always does. The worth never balances out, promise you that. It just stays harder than is necessary.

With every exchange;

When I get the reaction from someone I thought I would, it was more meant for them. When I don't get the reaction I thought I would, it was probably more meant for me.

On a side note, the whole gracefully receiving thing, which I call my current work in progress, has several sides to it, as I learn, I learn. lol

Criticism holds the highest place on this list for most people I imagine, but it's in an especially high position for me.

It's not how I generally think of graceful receiving, but it's definitely a thing I'm working on, these days. It might be one of those ones I continue to learn for the rest of my time here on Earth.

If you have loved ones who have stepped back out of the darkness, and away from those harder than necessary life choices, just remind them that you love them and that they're worth more now than the negative consequences will cost them later.

Also, if you have loved ones who have not yet stepped back out of the darkness, and away from those harder than necessary life choices, just remind them that you love them and that they're worth more now than the negative consequences of continued actions will cost them later.

If you didn't catch it, I had a loved one decide, yet again, to go back out into their struggle and attempting their way through it. So we'll see.

Keep sharing your love and laughter with the world around you always. And, please, please stay kind. It could change someone's life and you not even know it. It's important, and always worth it.

Oh yeah, do you have your gratitude list?? Maybe writing them down daily will help you more than you think it will.

Until next time;

"I don't do drugs, I'm addicted to the pain though

Yeah, I been on it for a while, dunno how to put it down

Gotta have it, it's a habit I'ma break though

I just wanna take a hit, keep sayin' I'ma quit

Keep sayin' I'ma leave, but I stay though

I just want a little fix, I don't wanna take a risk

I don't like it when I drift from the safe zone

But lately, I been thinkin' I'ma have to

Lettin' go of things that I'm attached to

World don't stop just because I'm in a bad mood

You don't know what love is 'til you holdin' onto

somethin' that you can't lose

I swear I'm tryna get it together

Sleeves up, puttin' work in, tryna be better" - Change by NF

[saycheese-louise]

What I’m Most Afraid Of - Mental Health

Trigger warning: discussion of mental illness, suicide, trauma

Reflecting on the past six years, my recovery from anxiety and depression has been long and wearisome. The only reason I am here today is that the lessons of creating good mental health have been forced upon me in the most tragic and painful ways possible. Only through the comparison, through being in a place where taking my own life felt like the only escape, through having people around me take their own lives, did I realise how ignorant and uneducated I was about my own health. 

I graduated dux of my high school and with a university scholarship; to the outside, I looked like your stereotypical high achiever and had almost convinced myself too. But it’s only now I realise how chaotic my home life was and acknowledge the emotional and psychological abuse I lived with. When it’s all you know, it’s hard to imagine otherwise, and my mental health was balancing on a knife edge I was oblivious to. When I lost the support and structure that my high school community gave me, it now seems obvious that I would have a mental breakdown halfway through my first year of university (hindsight is 20-20 after all). Add the financial insecurity of not having enough to live off, toxic part-time jobs, the loss of a sibling, and the habits and coping patterns of someone who grew up with abuse; of course I wasn’t going to magically bounce back. It took two more mental breakdowns for me to finally get the help I needed; at my lowest point, my mental illnesses had become so physically debilitating I could hardly leave my bed for more than a few hours a day. 

I have dragged those around me on this journey with me because the stigma around depression and anxiety (ironically, the two most widely understood and accepted mental illnesses) has been an extra hurdle which has tripped me up at every opportunity. I’ve vlogged while on the verge of a panic attack and written about the painful realities of living with a mental illness, and yet this might be my most vulnerable post yet. Because, despite all of this, hitting rock bottom again doesn’t really scare me. I have lived through poverty, grief, discrimination, and abuse and I am still here. Living through it has taught me the warning signs, the coping techniques, the sacrifices I have to make to survive despite it all, and if I can negotiate it all, I might even be able to live a life where times of happiness and peace outnumber the times of pain and heartbreak.

What truly scares me is the realisation of how many of the people I love are still sitting on that oblivious knife edge. When a friend of mine started to experience anxiety attacks, I tried my hardest to be there for them and share all the knowledge I have, but their understanding of how mental health works made it a very unsafe space for me. Every time we spoke, it came back to this underlying idea: “but you’ve had all these awful things happen to you, I’m not broken like you are, so how could I be developing a mental illness?”. Stigma is much more than a surface reaction, and it scares me how much more work needs to be done to create a solid understanding of mental health. 

Mental health shares a lot of similarities to physical health; for (a very simplified, generalised) example, some people have stronger immune systems, just like some people just have better mental health. Some people are inherently born with different brain chemistry, while some people might develop a mental illness due to circumstances or trauma; just like they might be born with a physical illness, or develop it later from injury or age. Some people might be able to cope with situations which could otherwise cause distress or a breakdown because they have better support and resources, just like access to painkillers and antibiotics might make a physical illness easier to recover from. (And of course, mental and physical health can also be very interlinked too!). But where the similarities stop is our understanding of when we need to get help. If you start to get a runny nose, you might not think much of it in the hope it goes away, but if we also get a sore throat, a fever, we might slow down and take extra steps to look after our physical health to stop it becoming worse, and if we become fatigued and our situation doesn’t improve in a few days or a week, we might seek professional help. 

The runny nose of my mental health is one bad feeling. Someone cutting in front of you at the supermarket. Something that by the end of the day, on its own, you’ll have forgotten about. A sore throat, a fever, is a bad day. Several things coincidentally piling up; especially things like an ongoing situation which I’m feeling anxious or stressed about. I’ll try to get to sleep earlier, do some mindfulness, send a quick email to my counsellor for an outside opinion - some easy self-care which gives me a mental break and allows me to evaluate things properly. Fatigue is developing anxiety attacks, insomnia, hopelessness, and (non-metaphorical) fatigue, to the point where I can’t function anymore and need urgent, professional help. 

I’ve noticed that friends of mine who have always had good mental health can deal with a mental runny nose, but don’t understand a sore throat and a fever under the right conditions can develop into fatigue in the blink of an eye. They don’t anticipate the pile-up so don’t take steps to deal with the smaller things, and the closer you get to rock bottom, the more stigma starts to play a role in getting help. I now try to keep semi-regular appointments with my doctor and counsellor (finances pending) so that my mental health never gets worse than a metaphorical runny nose, sore throat and fever*. The hardest situation is friends who think they will never even go from a runny nose to a sore throat. The universe has shown me time and time again that all it takes is one accident, one health scare, one death, one natural disaster: one significant, disruptive change outside of your control, let alone if it’s the cherry on top of a bunch of changes outside of your control.

I also want to acknowledge that hearing someone direct their internalised stigma at me was unexpectedly painful. For someone who works really hard to trust others, seeing a close friend (who has otherwise come a long way in their understanding of mental health) show how condescending their opinions were was cutting. If you’ve followed my blog and only ever thought ‘poor Louise, these things are very specific to her and could never be applicable to anyone else, let alone me!’, then I haven’t been writing the blog I thought I was. And maybe I haven’t - so here is the most direct advice I can give:

1. Talk about your feelings and emotions - especially through the good times, so when things get hard, finding the words to describe what you’re going through doesn’t feel impossible. I particularly give this advice to the men I know, because it also helps to break down the sexist idea that women are the only ones allowed to ~talk about their feelings~. If things are good - why are they good? If you don’t feel so good, what’s changed to make things not as good? That’s a much easier thing to note and work on, even if it requires regularly checking in than to realise you’re in an ‘all-of-a-sudden-nothing-feels-good-anymore-and-I-have-no-idea-why’  place and have no plan for coping or dealing with it either. Identifying underlying problems, and having a plan for dealing and coping with them does a lot for me, even if it never solves anything outright.

2. Acknowledge emotional labour. I get a lot of people messaging me because I talk about my mental health publicly, and it can often include triggering, emotional details which they haven’t felt safe to share with anyone else. I have the utmost respect for the courage it takes to break that silence, but often direct people to counsellors and mental health professionals because I do not have the resources or skills to help them in the ways that they need. I know that not everyone has access to the professional help they need, but if your workplace, your school, your university provides free counselling - use it. Use it and still talk to your friends about it, but don’t make them the be all and end all of who you talk to about your situation.

3. Think about how you speak about mental health. It affects everyone, but if you’ve only experienced the good side of mental health, stop and listen to those who do have mental illnesses, and especially those with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar, Schizophrenia or other which are more heavily stigmatised. My friend who implied those things through their own internalised stigma didn’t think they were being hurtful, in fact, they were trying to reach out in a moment of need, but the less we think of mental health as an us-and-them situation, and instead as a something we all deal with throughout our lives, the more inclusive, supporting, and understanding our society will be. Maybe then we’ll be able to lower the heartbreakingly high rate of suicide in this country.

If you need help in New Zealand: Need to talk? - 1737 (free call or text) The Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757 Healthline - 0800 611 116 Lifeline - 0800 543 354 Samaritans - 0800 726 666 Youthline - 0800 376 633 Alcohol Drug Helpline - 0800 787 797 Finding a mental health professional: Doctor, therapist or counsellor Resources from the Mental Health Foundation about mental illnesses, support initiatives, and research

*this is the most aspirational statement I’ve ever made in my entire life, and this comes from someone who wants to be a full time creative AND be able to pay all their bills on time every month. 

[mittensmorgul]

5.11: or, hey this pairs up interestingly with 12.11, doesn’t it?

And 12.15, come to think of it, since one of the three monsters Dean had killed at the beginning of the episode was a wraith, and we haven’t really heard much about wraiths in the intervening years, aside from that time in s6 when Eve was trying to make the perfect hybrid monster...

And speaking of perfect hybrids and monsters, have I mentioned s12?

*waves hello at Dabb screaming at me from the past again*

(not to mention the three monsters in 12.15 were El Sol creatures-- who either present a false version of reality themselves (ghouls taking on the identity of the last person they consumed), or have the ability to alter their victim’s perceptions of reality (djinn and wraith). Loss of identity is central to all three of these particular monsters.)

(and I’ll say it right here at the top of this post, loss of identity is my own personal biggest fear, and the thing I personally find most horrifying)

(and I think Dean feels the same, and not just in the sense of the “legacy” he’s wondered about leaving behind, but in a very real and present sense as the potential vessel for the archangel Michael, who was bred to be nothing more than an “angel condom.”)

And this entire episode bends reality right around, the one time Sam and Dean were entirely honest and open about their lives... and used that honesty to have themselves committed to a mental hospital.

SAM: Okay. Look...um...last few weeks, you've kind of been worrying me. DEAN: (rolls his eyes) Oh, come on, Sam. Stop. Look, just because we're in the loony bin doesn't give you the right to head-shrink me. SAM: Dean-- DEAN: Ellen and Jo dying--Yeah, it was a friggin' tragedy, okay? But I'm not gonna wallow in it. SAM: Dean, you always do this. You can't just keep this crap in. DEAN: (chuckles) Watch me.

Dabb loves to pick at this aspect of Sam and Dean’s relationship: Dean internalizes and Sam demands that Dean deal with his feelings by externalizing and discussing them. But Sam never really opens up about his OWN feelings, and instead spends most of his time trying to pressure Dean into talking. And round and round we go.

Dean DOES open up here, to a shocking degree... too bad he’s literally talking to himself here, to a figment of his own imagination, like his vision of “Benny” in 10.19.

Because from the moment the wraith examined them and infected them with her touch, they’ve been unwittingly manipulated to her will. Like Dean in 2.20 was under the djinn’s spell without realizing it, or under the siren’s spell in 4.14, or jerked around by the trickster in 2.15.

DR. CARTWRIGHT: Why do you have to hunt monsters? Why not let someone else do it? DEAN: (shrugs, smiles) Can't find anybody else that dumb. (thinks for a moment) It's my job. Somebody's gotta save people's asses, yours included. DR. CARTWRIGHT: So, is there a quota? How many people do you have to save? DEAN: All of them.

But Dean’s already been forced to “see” things that aren’t true and has been misled into believing that Dr. Fuller is the wraith, which leads to increasing mental instability for Sam and Dean, which leads to increasing limitations on their movement and ability to function. Because mental hospital where they seem to be getting mentally more and more unstable, because of the wraith’s influence provoking them into it...

What we do get a very good look at is some of these fundamental differences between Sam and Dean... Sam’s inherent underlying anger and his occasional disconnect from reality...

DEAN: I'm not crazy. SAM: Well...come on. I mean, you've been at least...half crazy for a long time, and since you got back from hell, or since before that, even. I mean, we're in a--we're in a mental hospital. (laughs) Maybe-Maybe you finally cracked! You know, maybe now you are really...for real...crazy... DEAN: I made a mistake, that's all. I'll find the thing. SAM: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. SAM puts a hand on DEAN'S shoulder. DEAN looks down at SAM'S hand. SAM: It's okay. Hey, hey. Look at me. DEAN looks at SAM. SAM: It's okay...because you're my brother...and I still love ya. DEAN nods. SAM pokes at DEAN'S nose. SAM: Boop!

Just when Dean lets himself believe he’s not crazy, his own subconscious succumbs to the wraith’s venom and he completely loses touch with reality. He learns the “doctor” he’s been talking to all this time was never real, when she hurls every wrong thing he’s ever done back in his face from breaking the first seal all the way up to getting Jo and Ellen killed... all those things he keeps buried just so he can get through the day rise up to the surface to assault him all at once. All that guilt and horror is only magnified by the wraith venom and twisted back on him in a vicious loop that leaves him practically catatonic, trapped in this sick cycle of failure within his own mind.

*hi there, psychosis, my archnemesis*

All those protective measures Dean’s constructed for himself, hell half the Performing Dean persona he wears so often, is basically one long string of coping mechanisms to deal with all this shit. Granted by s12 he’s truly come to accept a lot of the things he used to blame himself for, making that Performing Dean mask less personally necessary for him a lot of the time. But all that guilt does often rear its ugly head no matter how tight a control Dean might try to keep over it. In 12.18 that came blatantly to the surface, manifested because of his guilt and worry over Cas.

Sam, meanwhile, after the drugs used to sedate him after his attack on Dr. Fuller, seems entirely sane and rational. He apologizes, asks for a second chance, and is genuinely regretful of his actions. So the doctor relents... with conditions.

And under the wraith’s influence, he hallucinates Dean accusing him of everything HE fears the most:

DEAN: (faces SAM) It's not the demon blood, Sam. It never was. SAM: What? DEAN: The problem was you. It was always you. The lies...your arrogance...the black spot on your soul.

EVERYONE appears to attack Sam at once, and he lashes out at them, fighting off all these invisible attackers... because that’s what they are. As much a figment of his imagination as the doctor laying on all the guilt.

Dean’s reflex reaction to that vulnerability is catatonia, Sam’s is violent anger.

But Dean sees Sam’s outburst, that he’s literally fighting against nothing, and despite being completely under the influence of the wraith, not to mention whatever psychotropic drugs they’ve put him on to control his “symptoms,” he still manages to put the pieces together. Crazy is the clue. 

DEAN: (crouching next to MARTIN'S bed) Okay. What if this thing doesn't just feed on the insane? What if it makes people insane? (begging for clarification from MARTIN) Is it possible? Does that seem real?

Despite still being froot loops, Dean (like in 12.11 sans memories) still manages to track down the wraith...

WRAITH: Crazy brains. They get soaked in dopamine and adrenaline and all sorts of hormones and chemicals that make them...delicious. And the crazier they are, the better they taste. SAM: You did this to me! WRAITH: Well, I helped. But that rage? No, no, no. That's all you. I don't make crazy. I just crank up what's already there. You build your own hell, but I give you the Legos.

Dean fights her off and kills her, but the message sank home for Sam:

SAM: Most of the time, I can hide it, but...I am angry. I'm mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and Dad, then Lilith, now it's Lucifer, and I make excuses. I blame Ruby or the demon blood, but it's not their fault. It's not them. It's me. It's inside me. I'm mad...all the time...and I don't know why. SAM is very anguished and exasperated. DEAN steps closer. DEAN: Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna do? You gonna take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What? SAM: No, of course not. I-- DEAN: Exactly. And that's exactly what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all that crap and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it, because that's how we keep going! That's how we don't end up like Martin! Are you with me?

Because Dean’s still burying a kernel of the guilt and fear and worry about all of this ^^, and Sam’s definitely still burying some of that anger. But they’ve found better ways to deal with it than just burying it. It’s the fuel that keeps them fighting now.

And these issues might be things that are still underpinning who they are as people, but hell if coming to an understanding and acceptance of everything that made them those people they are today, that finally defeating some of those inner (and external) demons has been able to bring them a little bit of peace over the sacrifices they’ve made, and the cosmic forces that they’ve finally gotten out ahead of for once in their lives.

[slaughterking]

“Hurt” the understatement of the Century

“Im sorry i hurt you” “Im sorry i caused you pain” Really, took your dumb ass 3 years just to say that pathetic bull shit. Try “sorry i Destroyed you. YOU HAVE FUCKED UP MY LIFE. FUCKKKKEEEED ITTTT UPPP!  You obliterated my hopes of having a father, You desecrated my childhood, annihilated any chance of normality and achieving happiness as a child, you shattered my self respect and self image, you demoralised me, you alienated me, you hated me. No one on the goddamn face of this planet has “hurt” me like you have. No one has caused me more pain. No one has done as much damage to me as you have. What are you now that ive mourned your death. Your dead to me. The idealized perception i was holding on to, you murdered and destoryed. Killed it, slashed it up, burned, then took a piss on it. You, the ignorant asshole, life ruining, small minded, bigoted, prejudice, racist, religious christian cult following just mean person. So mean, so much hate and lack of empathy and absolutely no desire to better yourself or understand. Just so mean, so much disregard and hate in your heart. So much stupidity and ignorance. What are you to me. Your my sperm doner. What was i supppose to get from you in life. What have you taught me? You’ve taught me to hate myself. Youve taught me to be disgusted in who i am, in somthing i have no goddamn control over. You taught me to hide from myself and how to hide from every muther fucking ignorant asshole on this planet. You taught me how to develop dependencies and addictions in order to cope with your emotional neglect, your emotional abuse. YOU ARE A CHILD ABUSER. You taught me im an abomination. you taught me im disgusting. You taught me i am inherently bad and deserving to be tortured, burned, whipped, in an eternal firery burning place of damnation for the entirity of my existence. Fuck you. FUCKK YOU FOR RUINING MY LIFE. you get to go live ur stupid ass ignorantly blissfull life thinking your a “good fucking christian”. YOu live a straight line, and have condemed me into a life filled with cycles of loops and depressions. You gave me severe social anxiety. You gave me depression. You gave me self image and self hating issues. You made it hard for me to get out of bed. You made it so i can only shower every 5 days. You made it so i only eat once a day. You made it so im falling behind and failing in school. youve made it so i cant be in a relationship with another human being im sexually attracted to and want to love. Im too depressed, coulding love myself, nor even take care of myself. THats why i broke up with kwynn. How am i supposed to suppport and love someone else when i cant even do that for myself. Klippity is a great person and i cant go hangout with him cuz im mouring the loss of who i thought you are, or who i thought you would be. your the reason i snort drugs and mix it with alcohol. Your the reason i slit my wrists. YOur the reason ive been high for 4 years of my life, every single day. Your the reason i cant live, I cant thrive. Your the reason im perpetually depressed and stuck in this goddamn hole that you could care less about. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU. how indoctrinated and disgusting of a person can you be to ignor the pain i had. DO you know how hard it was for me to decide to open up and be that vulnerable and suseptable for you. I gave you my entire life. I gave it to you my journals because i cannot handle being that direct myself, i shut down around you. My protective self immediatly takes over and consumes me. Forces me to put on the most happiest smile anyone has ever seen. Forces me to pretend to be so goddamn happy and normal and okay around you. Forced me to like you and pretend that you havn’t severely and utterly fucked up my life. Who are you. How can someone, a father, someone who claims to care about me and love me, read that and not be so devistated in their actions and the cultist beliefs they choose to have. How can i not matter that much. How can your dumb beliefs be more important to you. How can you care so little about me, that you compare me to a drug dealer and a rapist and a murdurer, and a criminal. My consensual decision to love someone HARMS NO ONE ASSHOLE. a murdurer or rapist unconsenually desides to hurt someone else. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUSLY COMPARING ME TO THAT. GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLE. im sitting here devistatinly sad. Im so sad. Just so abliterated. Im exhausted. All my energy is going toward the bare minimum needed in school, and my basic survival needs. WHAT THE FUCK! DOES THAT SEEM FAIR TO YOU? im abused and raised in an abusive household, and the fucking abuser gets to live a nice happy life not giving a shit about his victims. Im over here trying with all my might to not cut open my flesh due to how much pain im feeling. Im having to deal with holiday anxiety. Its near thanksgiving and christmas, gotta stop cutting so the scars will go away. gotta start saving up energy to put on that nice fat black mask so everyone thinks im a nice happy boy. Gotta act so fake and happy, because god help us if family sees me depressed or having anxiety or scars on my hand. just screw off. You are the meanest person ive ever met. How could you. HOW DARE YOU. why would you do this to me. My life up until this point has been ruined. Ive been depressed more than ive been happy. What kind of life if this that im living. FUCK YOU. 

1:21pm November 18th 2017