#it can be hard at times to navigate through relationships where two people have different experiences (trans vs. cis for instance)

[uncanny-tranny]

Hi, I have a question I hope it's okay to ask here. I'm a ciswoman dating a transgender man. I know that there are a few things that he finds still difficult about being trans (but I don't know everything yet as we've only been dating for a few months). Lately I've noticed him saying some things that make me wonder whether maybe he wants some confirmation that I really see him as a man. Of course I want to do this for him, but I'm not entirely sure how. Do you have any tips?

I think so much of it boils down to being compassionate and direct. There's so much pressure on people in relationships to just "know" through divine interpretation of how to best love their partner, and there is almost no thought given about the idea of offering love being a continuous conversation.

I'm not sure what will "work" best for your partner to show that you see him and not a warped perception, so I really think asking questions about where he is at might be more beneficial, since you'll be hearing direct feedback. I know it can be hard to navigate through something you're unfamiliar with right now, so that makes it even more important that you navigate through it with the person in question.

Trans manhood looks different for... literally all of us, which is why I don't have a direct answer for how you can help your partner feel loved and seen as a man. Since it looks different for each of us, the things that affirm us and help us will all look different, as well as the things that make us feel less understood and hurt.

[felassan]

Polygon: 'How Dragon Age: The Veilguard’s writers decided each companion’s romance arc'

Rest of post under a cut due to spoilers.

“There’s so many different flavors of romances with the characters that even if one doesn’t work for you, one of them I think is likely to,” creative director John Epler told Polygon. “But they’re so tied to the character arcs that they become part of that character development as opposed to ‘and also you can romance them on the side.’” For instance, Epler said, Bellara’s romance is purposefully awkward and stilted. (“As Bellara’s writer, I’m very familiar with it,” he added.) “It’s clearly somebody who doesn’t see themselves as someone people are going to want to romance,” he said. “And so one of my favorite things is paying Bellara a compliment, and she takes it in the most awkward [way]. Because she herself as a character, and something you see through her arc, has these issues with how she sees herself, especially after what happened in her past. And so that romance kind of plays off of that as somebody who does have, I wouldn’t say necessarily low self-esteem, but has issues with self-regard. This is how that romance goes, especially if they are themselves a very awkward character.” Meanwhile, Lucanis — who joins the party after you rescue him from an underwater prison where he was tortured for a year after someone in his inner circle betrayed him — has a long road ahead of him in terms of opening up and letting others in. (That also means the results of one big early game choice might cut him off entirely.) “[He] has an arc that’s very much about family and letting people get close and seeing what happens,” said Epler. “And so with his romance, you get more of a slow burn where it doesn’t feel like you’re ever getting quite as close to him as maybe you want until the very end.” In addition to the player-chosen romance arcs, some companions you haven’t chosen to romance might enter romantic relationships with one another (or in the case of one character, with an NPC that isn’t in your party). This isn’t the first time non-romanced party members get together: A fan favorite, for example, is Qunari mercenary Iron Bull and Tevinter mage Dorian Pavus in Dragon Age: Inquisition. But Veilguard has more opportunity than ever before for these side romances to blossom. It all came down, once again, to what made sense for these characters’ own arcs. Bellara doesn’t romance anyone outside of Rook because, as Epler said, she is a “very focused person with a very specific obsession.” Romance isn’t exactly on the top of her mind. For Taash and Harding, however, a romance made perfect sense — both characters navigate accepting who they are and how that fits in with what they thought they knew about the communities and cultures they hail from."

“I think one of my favorite parts of that arc is how much compatibility comes through as you go through their arcs and you realize these are two people […] broken in ways that are so complementary to allow them to heal each other,” said Epler. “They end up developing this very lovely relationship, lovely romance that makes sense for the both of them.” Players might understandably want to go into the game without any spoilers about what characters might get together. But if you’re heading into your second playthrough and you already know more about what the characters’ relationships with one another look like, making decisions might take on a whole new level of significance. That was definitely the case for game director Corinne Busche. “What I love about those developments is that it really gives us some interesting and compelling decision-making about the choices and the consequences within the game,” she told us. “[The relationships] have an extra level, I think, for the decision making. I don’t want to get into spoilers, but there was a moment where I set the controller down and had to go, Oh my God, how can I possibly make this decision knowing what I know of these two characters and how they feel about each other? Oh, it just really makes it hit.” There’s a lot of emphasis on the inter-character relationships in Veilguard. Not only is there the usual party banter while out and about in the world, but you can also stumble upon conversations between characters back at your home base, mitigate disagreements between them, and read codex entries about their book club meetings, cooking rotation, and other things. It makes sense that writing interactions between these companions might spark some ideas for the writers. “It really does come down to who makes the most sense for these characters and who as the writers we are excited about pairing up,” said Epler. “Because I think something people forget is […] well, it’s not technically fanfiction. It’s the same impetus that drives fanfiction where you’re like, Who are the characters we love the most and who do we want to see together? Who do we think makes the most sense as a couple? And then playing with that and seeing if it actually does make sense.”

[source]

[alittlegiraffe]

Title: Family Man

Chapter 3: Balancing Acts

The years following Marshall's Oscar win were a whirlwind of tours, studio sessions, and public appearances. Eminem was at the height of his career, a global icon whose music transcended genres and generations. Yet, amidst the chaos of fame, his life with you remained his anchor—a testament to the power of love and the importance of balance.

Marshall was no stranger to the darker sides of fame. The relentless scrutiny, the invasive paparazzi, and the constant pressure to outperform himself could have easily led him down a destructive path. But with your steadying presence, he managed to navigate the minefield of celebrity without losing himself.

Your home life was a stark contrast to the public persona Marshall projected as Eminem. Within the walls of your suburban Detroit house, he was simply Marshall—the husband, the father, the man who loved nothing more than spending quiet evenings with his family. You made sure that home was a sanctuary, a place where you could escape the noise and just be.

"Hailie, can you help your dad with the groceries?" You called from the kitchen one sunny afternoon, the smell of freshly baked cookies wafting through the air.

"Coming, Mom!" Hailie replied, bounding down the stairs with the energy of an eight-year-old.

Marshall smiled, watching his daughter grab a bag and follow him into the kitchen. These were the moments he cherished—the simple, everyday acts of family life that reminded him of what truly mattered.

Despite his fame, you and Marshall worked hard to ensure that their children had as normal an upbringing as possible. You shielded Hailie and her younger siblings, Alaina and Whitney, from the harsh glare of the spotlight, emphasizing the importance of humility and kindness.

You, having pursued your dream of becoming a teacher, now worked part-time at a local elementary school. You found joy in your work, knowing you were making a difference in the lives of your students. Your dedication to your family and career was a source of inspiration for Marshall, who often credited you as his greatest influence.

"I don’t know how you do it," he told you one night as they sat on the porch, the kids asleep inside. "You balance everything so effortlessly."

You laughed softly, leaning into him. "It’s not effortless, trust me. But we’re a team, Marshall. We support each other, and that makes all the difference."

As Marshall continued to dominate the music industry, he found himself drawn to projects that allowed him to explore new creative avenues. In 2005, he took a brief hiatus from music to focus on his family and mental health. It was a decision that raised eyebrows in the media, but for Marshall, it was a necessary step to maintain the balance the two of you had worked so hard to achieve.

During this time, the two of you devoted yourselves to philanthropy, launching the Marshall Mathers Foundation, which focused on helping disadvantaged youth in Detroit. It was a cause close to your hearts, a way to give back to the community that had shaped your lives.

The media often marveled at how Marshall had avoided the pitfalls that had ensnared so many of his peers. His relationship with you was frequently highlighted as a rare success story in an industry notorious for failed marriages and fleeting romances.

In 2009, Marshall made a triumphant return to music with the release of *Relapse*, an album that delved into themes of addiction, recovery, and redemption. Though he had never succumbed to the depths of addiction, he had witnessed its effects on those around him and used his platform to raise awareness.

You stood by him through it all, offering her unwavering support as he poured his soul into his music. "Your honesty is what makes you great," you told him. "People connect with you because you’re real."

Your bond only grew stronger with time, each year bringing new challenges but also new joys. You celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary with a quiet getaway, reflecting on the journey they had shared and the future that lay ahead.

As Marshall prepared for another world tour, both of you sat down for a rare joint interview, something you had always been cautious about. You wanted to share your story, to show the world that a healthy, enduring love was possible even in the most extraordinary circumstances.

"What’s the secret to your long-lasting marriage?" the interviewer asked, leaning in with genuine curiosity.

You smiled, glancing at Marshall. "It’s not about secrets. It’s about honesty, communication, and never taking each other for granted. We’ve grown together, faced our challenges head-on, and always prioritized our family."

Marshall nodded in agreement. "Y/N’s been my rock. She’s kept me grounded, reminded me of what’s important. We’ve built a life based on trust and mutual respect, and that’s what’s kept us strong."

As the interview wrapped up, the couple shared a quiet moment, the love between them palpable. For Marshall, life with you was his greatest achievement—a love that had given him the strength to conquer the world while staying true to himself.

[destiny-smasher]

(Nemona getting totally blown off and stonewalled once again and trying to shrug it off once again, she's so determined! </3)

Since people on the Internet get fussy with this shit, let me state upfront these are my opinions, from the perspective of someone who shares a lot of personality traits in common with Nemona and used to be a lot like her in my younger years. Nemona's lying when she says Scarlet's behavior and needless secrecy doesn't bother her at all. She keeps enduring the neglect (and sometimes straight up abuse), because she thinks that's what Scarlet needs atm. It's hard to say how things will pan out atm imo.

The manga mischaracterizes Nemona in some ways for me -- or I guess it's more proper to say, I do not think the way the manga characterizes Nemona is as positive as the games. The manga so far really makes her out to be less mature, less healthy mentally/emotionally, and kind of a pushover who actively lets others step all over her. I don't prefer it lol

She experiences an 'invisible wall' between herself and everyone else. And Scarlet's behavior so far in PokeSpe would only exacerbate that -- BUT, the two could clearly have a very meaningful bonding if they both stick things through, in a way the game version of Nemona doesn't because the story forces the protag to more just go along with everything.

I want to believe the manga will eventually have Nemona learn to adapt to Scarlet, Scarlet slowly open herself up to Nemona over time, start doing GOOD for her in return, and heaven forbid, maybe even apologize for mistreating Nemona -- though I don't expect the latter for sure.

It can be very exhausting and draining to endure what Nemona is enduring, but if you have that determination and willpower to put up with someone's worse traits because you see the good in them, sometimes it's good to use that to be there for the other person.

Everyone's struggles are unique and people exhibit their flaws in different ways. Nemona is "too much" and Scarlet pushes back in hostile ways. Their personalities are potentially toxic for one another, tbqh, but there's so much value imo in them bridging that gap.

The core of most fictional relationships I genuinely care about and many of my real life ones is the idea of bridging the understanding gap, through communication and gestures and time spent together, where there is mutual growth and reassurance.

Because of how I've been mistreated in the past, it's REALLY difficult for me to look at Nemona/Scarlet even just as friends and not be very worried about them. They're not self-aware yet, much less mature enough to navigate their differences. But they COULD be.

Many of the most edifying and growth-defining relationships of my life were due to stark differences in personality being reconciled with mutual care, assurance, trust, and just plain holding on. I think these two can totally reach that. I just don't know if they WILL here.

Because the fact is, Scarlet's behavior is hurtful. She clearly has reasons she is this way, and sometimes you just gotta get that shit out. And having people strong enough to endure that shit can be valuable, even if you don't realize it at the time. But it's a fine line.

Scarlet seems to be dealing with mental health issues, or at the least neurodivergency -- and Nemona at least has the latter going on, too. That creates a lot of tension. But that also means they can be there for each other in a meaningful way if they can work that shit out.

At the current rate they're going, however, Scarlet's behavior isn't improving so far. It's like she just gets to be a jerk and 'get away with it' and everyone is supposed to be fine with that? Doesn't settle well with me, and Nemona sure doesn't deserve this treatment.

But at the same time, Nemona IS one of those rare people with the willpower and stubborn determination to keep being there for Scarlet in spite of things not going well for a while -- even a long while. She sees the good in Scarlet even if Scarlet doesn't.

The manga has NOT done much at all so far to sell us on Scarlet/Nemona working out even just as friends, but it feels deliberate how their dynamic has been set up. So I want to have hope there, but it does remind me a bit too much of stuff from my past, so I get trepidatious.

In a way, part of Operation Comet Punch (my long fic) entails exploring that very trepidation and (I hope) coming up with at least one 'version' of reconciling things in a healthy, mutually supportive way for everyone involved (and that goes beyond just Nemona and Scarlet).

I hope the manga can figure out ways to do this, too. Because I like the idea of Nemona and Scarlet at least becoming good friends over time. It's just difficult to see right now if you're being pragmatic.

"Desma this is a manga primarily targeting middle school boys wtf are you talking about"

Look, between my own fanfic about these characters and my real life experiences, I can't help but analyze and try to be optimistic on all fronts. I get triggered a bit by 'toxic yuri' and this is reminding me of that, but I want to believe in it EVOLVING beyond that (pun intended). And I know it can.

[theadhddimsenion]

Some more speculation from yours truly. This time on loona and octiava.

Let's first start with loona. This might surprise you all but I was formerly a loona anti. I at first though she was just an overrated piece of fur bait and I really hated her for that kick in seeing stars (and I still say that should have been done differently like maybe have her let blitz hug her at first but then she remembers she's supposed to be mad at him and that she's showing affection in public and THEN kick him, then she looks concerned for a moment then tries to play it off like she had meant to do that.) But after mastermind when she finaly showed my boy she cared i really came around to her (same with veroskia to a lesser extent) and as for what direction I think her development will take allow me to explain.

Loona is many ways is Both a orphaned kid and a shelter pet. A few of the things that those two things sadly tend to have in common is bad attitudes, severe trust issues and poor social skills. Loona definitely has the first thing, we all saw the way shs reacted when blitz absent mindedly told her he might replace her. (Again all that loona needed was just a few slight tweaks in that episode like maybe toning down the volience and actually seeing her be hurt by the suggestion.) She clearly fears the idea of being replaced a trait likely born out of her years in the pound where if you didn't satisfy the costumer you would never find a home.

The next trait her bad attuide is another much more obvious symptoms of her hard life. People don't tend to go through metaphorical and literal hell and come out with a perfectly sunny disposition. But more specificly her bullying of moxxie (which has gotten better) always came off to me as her old habits kicking in and her instinctively identifying the "weakest" person around and picking on them in a vain attempt to make herself feel better. Likely something she was on the revving end of and subconsciously adopted as a way to survive in the pound.

But there is one more trait that she definitely has and that's her poor social skills. On top of her angst she likely didn't have much in the way of friends and as anyone who has raised an abused child or dog can tell you it's important for them to have good connections with their peers and have them be comfortable around others. Have seen loona struggle to connect with other of her own species and it's only been until recently that she has actually seemed to make some real friends in the form of esme (the hound with the afro) and russ (the chubby looking hound with the dreedlocks) which she seems to have good connections with. (It also shows a bit of subtle maturity on blitzs part by not over protecting her like he used to do).

But loonas arc is far from over and given the that the 15 episodes of the next season evenly divide into a perfect three episode arc for each of the main five characters (blitz, moxxie, millie, loona and stolas.) I believe that loonas remaining development will be about her relationship with m&m as well as her learning to Navigate the social scene. But the real theory part of this theory is that I believe that Vicki (or however you spell her name. The poodle hound with the valley girl voice. You know the one that looks like Regina George's fursona?) Will be loonas equvilant to either striker or cash crimson or paimon. She was on screen for a total of what like a minute and a half but she already seemed to have some idea of who loona was and she also managed to get loona to cause a scene. She clearly had a mastery of the social scene that loona doesn't and she's seems to be a lot more popular than her to boot so I think she would be a great foil to loona. Vicki definitely seems she could be a roadblock in loonas development as she clearly has it out our beloved loonie and what's more as I have said has not just the motive to stunt loonas development by sabotaging her quest to make friends and put herself out their more and in turn learning that she doesn't have to keep her gaurd up all the time but the means as well. Plus she would be an interesting change of pace from the other villains who either try to brute force it (like striker), get others to their dirty work for theme (stella and crimson), try to politaticly weasel their way to victory (cash and andy) or are for the most part incompetent comic relief (dhorks and cherubs) while viki perfers to take a more velvet glove (pun and callout hazbin very much intended) approach by manipulating public opinion against our hellish heroine. Plus this would give loona one opponent that she can't just punch away and it would be interesting to see how she handles such a situation.

Now onto octativa. Before we begin i want to throw my hat in the ring so to speak and offer my two cents on the discourse surrounding the goetian soon to be princess. In addition to the fact that I completely agree with the fact that she is 100% valid in all of her feelings and that those who hate her for her choices are awful for trying to blame a teenager in a broken home for being irrational are truly cold hearted I believes that thr agreement that she should see Andy and stella for what they are falls flat because we'll I'm pretty sure she is aware of what they are but she's thinks that she's stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Yes stella and Andy are clearly bad people but they aren't the ones who constantly said they would do better but always failed to do so. That's what really hurt the fact that stolas put in effort to care for her but always came up short really hurt her and what's more she likely felt that stolas was her one light in life just she was to him and when she saw him ready to die for a stranger without so much as telling her of course she wasn't thinking right!! She didn't know why the trial was happening or that her father had only minutes to decide no with that emotion coming at her so fast and the feeling of seemingly being abandoned by the one person who had made consistent effort to be good to her that made her Crack. I think the griffin from american mcgee's alice said it best "true words and logic rarely defeat evil intent" and while the truly grotesque take on the queen of hearts in that game wasn't exactly evil more a manifestation of Alice's denial that the fire that took her parents and sister was just and accident the point remains. Just like blitz wasn't truly saved by just "facing" his issues in season one and two, you can't help octativa by telling her the truth here. Yes like you can't help someone who isn't mentally well to just "snap out of it" you can't help octativa here by telling her the truth about her parents marriage because while yes both just "snapping out of it" and figuring out that her mother was abusing him and he was taking pill because of that and not her are both logical conclusions. They are both just one logical conclusion against potential years of bad thinking habits and and shit ton of emotional turmoil that will take time to over come. Blitz said it best, she's going to need time to think and process her emotions and the reality of her situation properly but the the big problem Is as you might have guessed stella and Andy.

As we all know much to our surprise or at least to mine. Both stella and Andy didn't even bother trying to hide their true nature to octativa (which if it still bothers you that she is willing living with them after that keep in mind that a she doesn't have anywhere else to go other than then back to the father who always let her down with half baked promises and while stella and Andy are both clearly bad people they are the only family she has left and they aren't the ones who always let her down. They may not have even tried in the first place but they aren't the ones who always let her down and plus she is STOLAS'S daughter of course she is obviousl! and no she didn't want blitz dead she saved his ass from her uncles elsa) which I admirably should have seen coming from at least considering her complete lack of subtly and brains but that kind of behavior from Andy? Now that's odd. Perhaps he's more like his sister than we though or simply riding the high of his victory.

Well in any case as I have stated in previous posts that I believe that season three will conclude with a climactic battle to save octativa from her arranged marriage which will prove to octiava that her father really does care about her more than his personal happiness by not trying to ask for her forgiveness and simply stating that he wanted her safe regardless of whether she ever wants him in her life again but as for what happens in between that time I have a few ideas.

These may come in the form of shorts but I could see octativa trying to put up with her mother and uncles bullshit and getting increasingly frustrated and sarcastic with them and stella being unable to keep up the caring facade for more than a couple of minutes and Andy having to constantly butt in to get her to follow along with the plan.

Octativa clearly realizes something is very wrong with her new care takers but what it is specifically he can't quite put her talon on. In the meantime she has to sneak out to do anything rometly fun because stella is a prude and would rather die than let her daughter interact with the lower classes especially loona who she tries to convince octativa isn't a person but a mindless animal that will only tell her to go back to her father on behalf of "lt's" master her father new boyfriend who he "abandoned her for" but like I said Stella's incompetence clues octativa in on their masterplan. Maybe for one little adventure she could have she sneaks out for some new taxidermy after stella dumped it all and sighs when she sees one of the taxidermy owls and reminisces about her father and has a little internal monologs with her child self.

[milkweedmoondregs]

Human Jellyfish 2 (Junpei Time Travels and Changes Nothing) - Chapter Two

Fandom: Jujutsu Kaisen Characters: Gojo Satoru, Yoshino Junpei, Yoshino Nagi, Ieiri Shoko, Fushiguro Tsukimi, Fushiguro Megumi, Geto Suguru, Panda, Inumaki Toge, Zenin Maki, Okkotsu Yuuta Relationships: none Additional Tags: time travel (not a fix-it), non-linear narrative, Junpei POV, passively suicidal mentality Word Count: 15.5K Chapters: 2/3 (chapter one)

Summary:

Yoshino Junpei as a time-traveling aberration of jujutsu, ages 15-25. He spends this period of his life contemplating murder, the piñata emoji, the emotional landscape of the handful of individuals holding up the entire jujutsu world, and crab omelettes. Who is Geto Suguru, again?

Author's Note: The first draft of this fic was actually a Junpei POV, but I found it very hard to write an outsider perspective of Gojo that conveyed what I wanted. I think it should go easier now that I did most of that in the first chapter. There are still some Gojo scenes planned, but for now, a Junpei interlude.

============================

Both air and water conduct more signals than humans or even sorcerers are equipped to receive or process, from radio to chemical to sound or light beyond a certain spectrum. The communication of fungal colonies, the navigation of migrating birds via magnetic fields, the dread induced by low frequencies — Junpei has asked, but Gojo seems incapable of explaining exactly what the Six Eyes allows him to see, or unwilling. So he can't really compare it to whatever's happening to him.

"Don't worry about it, Junpei!" He'd said in the precise way that has always made Junpei worry since the first time they met outside the school. While it's only a very basic sort of worry, nobody else seems to experience this particular type. Many things that Gojo says or does make people highly concerned. That's different, though.

Because Gojo wraps himself with bandages most of the time, there's no call for Junpei to imagine the manic, overly alert shine of his eyes beneath them, or to believe that it's not imagination. Everybody else seems to have simultaneously forgotten what Gojo's bared gaze looks like, and been overexposed to Gojo's … exuberant demeanor. Everybody other than Ieiri-san and Nanami-san, anyway, both of whom have their personalized coping methods. Apart from those two, nobody seems to have the same sense of unease.

People do sometimes seem to feel when Gojo is looking at them. Mostly if it's a moment of serious attention, though, or if Gojo has done the slightly dramatic thing where he pulls enough of the bandages loose to see through one eye.

Junpei can feel his gaze a lot more than that, he would say, whether or not Gojo is being dramatic or serious. Sometimes he can feel it like the invisible finger-barrel of a nonexistent finger-gun. That was more common when he first came to the school and Gojo thought he was either crazy in a fun way, or — well, Junpei never figured out the other option, just that sometimes that invisible nudge would settle against his temple while Gojo's placid, watchful expression didn't change at all.

Sometimes he also feels it when Gojo isn't anywhere near him, which means it's either all in his head or Gojo can see through walls and does so frequently. It seems like an awkward thing to try to confirm. Hey, were you looking at me or in my direction from across the school grounds at 11:39 this morning? He just can't imagine asking that.

It's a hard thing to explain, the things he feels from other people, and from the world.

At first he'd thought it was because of Gojo, because Gojo is so loud in everything from his personality to his powers. Then he'd met Zenin Naoya, who is also loud and insistent, if not as much so as Gojo, and that almost fit. What he feels from Naoya, however, is not an invisible finger-gun, which he doesn't even mind from Gojo because that never feels personal. Junpei's own technique is poison (sort of?), and Naoya feels like a seething build up of it. He feels like the urge to bite, like he's already biting even though there's nothing to bite but himself. His expression, whether at rest or smiling contemptuously while being a dick, is always composed yet also somehow dripping with drool and venom.

How does he describe that to Gojo? He chooses practicality by describing what he thinks that feeling will produce in terms of behavior. Gojo shrugs it off, though he at least explains why he has to.

Once, Junpei had considered merely pressing a hypothetical button to rid him of the people he hated. Then Mahito reached into his soul and opened up a little chamber that Junpei apparently uses to contemplate murder in a more visceral sense. And then, like water flowing from one lock to the rest of the canal, the murder just became part of who he is even though he didn't actually try to murder Naoya, or anyone after that.

If he murdered Mahito, that would just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Except, of course, that you don't murder curses. You exorcise them.

Not to get ahead of himself; he doesn't think he could beat Mahito. Gojo says that in ordinary sorcery terms, he's a perfectly sufficient grade two, and that he's improved a lot. That special grades are special grades for a reason, and anyway, Junpei has some weird stuff going on that's more valuable and more interesting than how well he can perform standard exorcisms.

His first and most persistent standard for jujutsu is still Yuuji, even though he's had years more training than Yuuji had when they met. He can tell, though, that those don't make a real difference. Junpei doesn't have that instinct, the fluidity of motion that Yuuji with only a few months of training had. The fearlessness, not only of jumping through windows or punching curses right in their weird deformed faces, but of letting Junpei spike him with poison if it meant listening to what he had to say. And then still wanting Junpei to be his friend.

It's funny. He doesn't recognize anything remotely similar to Yuuji in any of the other sorcerers he's met. There are many who are physically gifted, or keen, or kind, or all three in varying proportions. Yet beyond the sentiment of one day, he can tell, he knows even though Yuuji doesn't exist as he will in 2018, he must be a child right now: Yuuji is special.

He keeps this to himself through years of both delicate and indelicate prying from Gojo. He has the sense that everything about Yuuji has a dozen strings of spider web attached, and now one is invisibly attached to him. To his mouth. How often he opens it on Yuuji's behalf, what he says, could end everything that matters to Junpei personally. His number one job is to say nothing so that Yuuji appears in 2018 more or less as Junpei's memory has preserved him.

Jobs number two and onwards, however, are very unclear. Surely, he's supposed to do something, if he's in the past?

Or was giving them everything he can remember about Mahito the extent of his usefulness?

It's a bad question, he knows. It frames this situation as something designed, implies that there's intent or meaning behind what happened to him when he already knows there isn't and wasn't.

All the movies he's seen are a temptation in that regard. They do still affect the way he thinks about what's happened, the language he uses. Beyond that, though, Junpei still feels something of that current; he feels exactly how small a speck he is in this deep, dark ocean. If there was anything deliberate about where and when he ended up, it's either so big he'll never be able to perceive it, or so small, so stupid, that it's not worth perceiving.

If Junpei had to guess, it's the latter. He, or Moon Dregs, simply wanted to get away, and this is the nonsensical form that escape took.

After all, it is one of the few things that can, in fact, preempt Mahito and fuck him over. That perhaps has already. Gojo and Nanami never told him what else they discussed the night he got shooed from Gojo's office. They never said if they'll kill Mahito the instant they find him, or if it wouldn't make much of a difference to wait for a single teenage boy to make a few horrible mistakes.

As he'd left the room, he'd felt one of the few things he's ever felt from Nanami: red warmth, wet salt. He was sorry for it, but it was too late to apologize. For Nanami, it's probably always been too late.

Now that's a hollow-sounding gong that can't be unstruck.

He can't say anything. There's nothing to say! Saying it unseals it, and it's not here yet. It was a feeling. A worry. He'd be an idiot not to worry.

At first, he had no idea what he could possibly say, and now, all these things are filling up his mouth, squirming around. He could be like the girl from the fairytale, worms and toads dropping from his tongue. A curse speaker, dribbling suffering with every careless word. A nobody version of Zenin Naoya, leaving venom wherever he's set his teeth.

Junpei did used to be a biter as a kid.

When he was fifteen, he only wished to bite. It wouldn't have solved any of his problems. After coming to the school, he'd figured his judgment had been proven bad enough that biting was ill-advised. Anyway, if biting were ever needed, he was already under the erratic tutelage of someone with much bigger teeth.

Gojo mostly smiles with his mouth closed these days.

Though he remembers how Gojo used to be, it's all in passing, in unreasonable bursts of action sequences peppered slapdash with strange domestic interludes. He still has no idea why Gojo decided he could be entrusted with even occasional oversight of the Fushiguros' well-being. Junpei has been faking his signature for years, has owned a copy of Gojo's hanko for most of those, and has the details of at least one bank account and his credit card memorized.

It wasn't a regular thing. If it had been regular, he would've gotten used to it instead of having nightmares about accidental embezzlement. (That's … probably the wrong term and he's not going to look it up, or ask Nanami what the right one would be.) In retrospect, he likely could have been less neurotic about it, if not for two things which became inextricable in his mind: the thin and insubstantial cigarette smoke of Gojo's relief, and the memory of his mom at the kitchen table, working carefully on their budget.

He'd asked Gojo once why Tsumiki and Megumi live alone. Gojo had said idly and very simply that their father died and their mother had gone missing. Then he'd said in greater detail and with more elaboration than Junpei had anticipated that the school allocated funds for the families of sorcerers since it was so common for them to die on the job. He didn't actually say that was the case for the Fushiguros so much as move the conversation on with the exact carelessness he uses twenty times a day to talk about all sorts of things.

This is worrying because Junpei doesn't want to go back and examine the twenty things Gojo said before changing the topic, or think about all the time Gojo doesn't spend around him and how many more things Gojo might be talking about like they're not hugely significant when they maybe actually definitely are.

Ieiri-san told him that wasn't his job, and even if it was, he should get a new one.

Okay, well, he was gonna kill me one time just for knowing the name 'Fushiguro', Junpei considers saying before deciding he will have to figure this one out himself instead of explaining he hadn't really cared, back then, if Gojo was going to murder him in the hallway of a random apartment or whatever. It's the only name Yuuji had mentioned, so unthinkingly that he didn't notice in time to stop and mutter if he was allowed to tell Junpei this or that. Then he'd winced and seemed like he was considering telling Junpei another, to make things equal! She'd be so mad…! before not doing. Any of that.

As is typical of these kinds of recollections, they make him think of his mother.

He's tried to be discreet about going to see her. Not that anyone cares particularly where Nomura Junpei spends his free time, but in the event that questions arise and then they start trying to look into his past movements — that kind of thing. He already made decisions in 2018 that led to her death, and the fifteen year old Junpei, if nobody interferes and if given time, will probably make the same ones. He should take care to avoid unnecessary problems.

So he does. His mother works in sales. She's good with people. She doesn't recognize him when he has a hat on and his bangs aren't noticeable; she might hear it in his voice if they spoke, though, so he's never done that.

At fifteen, he hadn't thought about her much. Or… not enough, not in the right way, because he'd still been a kid. He'd thought about her as his mom, as the only good adult he knew, with gratitude that she didn't push him to go back to school and didn't find anything worth agonizing over in other people's opinions. He'd been embarrassed by her effusiveness as well as selfish over it, as though she had ever failed to help him because of other people. He had started to hate being seen by her because he'd thought there was something he'd be ashamed for her to see. But there wasn't. There hadn't been, until Mahito.

And then, like the child he was, he hadn't known how to ask for her help. On top of being bullied and skipping school, he was supposed to explain about curses and dead, deformed bodies? How could she help him even if he had? She would have wanted him to, though. She would have helped him however she could.

That wasn't the real problem, anyway. The real problem was what he and Mahito had discussed about the human soul, and it was Mahito asking him if he'd grown used to corpses. Telling him it was fine to do whatever he wanted, and reaching into his brain to give him the ability to do that. He wouldn't have to ask her, now or then, what she would think about that. He already knew, so he didn't go to her, telling himself he wasn't going to burden her with stuff that would make her think he was crazy, nor invite what would probably be a simple and heartfelt disagreement without any of the poisonous reasoning that tasted so clear coming from Mahito.

That's on him. The fault, sure, lies with Mahito. If he'd disagreed with Mahito, maybe he would have died then and there. He can easily see Mahito letting him go, however, with genial promises for further discussion and training. The cursed finger would still end up in his house. His mother would still die. Agreeing is what puts his hand on the scale alongside Mahito's.

He'd always had all the answers. He just hadn't wanted to see them.

For all his woundedness, Junpei doesn't think Nanami-san really gets that. He'd been a child, but he did know better. He'd been manipulated, but he'd chosen to see it as care. He could have gone to Yuuji. He hadn't, for the same reason he hadn't tried to explain anything to his mom. Because he'd wanted to hurt people.

He could find it in him to explain it now. Presumably that's what growing up does for you.

It's one of the things he plays around with on the occasions when he visits her, something which is a bit exhausting and embarrassing to have to plan. He tries not to show up at the same times or places too much, and also tries to avoid his younger self as much as possible. That leaves brief windows of time like the morning commute, smoke breaks, going out for lunch, grocery shopping after work, and weekends. So in short bursts, piecemeal and out of order, he imagines speaking to her again.

I love you, of course, as horribly open and so worn through by songs, TV shows, movies, and the weight of human history as it is. Thank you for loving me, too. He would have to explain that the thanks was truly needed, now that he's surrounded by people he's genuinely not sure had any of that. Tell me about your day. I see Ando-san has already started pining for that representative from the shipping company. No, I won't tell you how long that goes on for. You don't wanna know.

He realizes early on that he doesn't want to explain curses and sorcery if it's just for himself. He'd only do it if his younger self lives. In 2018, he'll be twenty-six, like an older sibling who's already finished university and started working. His mom would be distraught at all the inexplicable drama, the property damage, the sudden transfer to a new school. All his fifteen year old self would have by way of answers are philosophical ramblings and some basics from a psycho. It would be better for Junpei to handle the explanation.

Anyway, if his younger self dies, Junpei has to assume he'll have died too in the process of failing to stop it.

The fund would be allocated to his mother, Gojo had confirmed when asked. Though his eyes were covered as always when he said so, Junpei had thought they would be clear, that he would be able to see all the way to the bottom, due to a certain shallowness. Not a real shallowness, though Gojo is good at staging it. A constructed one. A riverbed built from infinity.

So that's one more answer he could give Gojo. No, it wouldn't be that bad.

Right now, his mom smokes socially, one of the myriad ways she gets on with her coworkers and bosses. Of course, he'd rather she take care of her health, but he doesn't mind it so much anymore on a personal level. Ieiri-san smokes way more than she does, one of the things that endeared her to him against his will.

It's only a few years, so it shouldn't hurt to see even that slight difference in her face, her hair, clothing that she stopped favoring for items that haven't yet been made. She changed the way she did her makeup. He wishes he could ask her why, just to know. She doesn't really like Ando-san right now, not as much as she will in a few years. Maybe she found something sweet about that crush on the shipping representative. He's seen her buy the ingredients for his favorite meal, and hadn't realized she'll only use one brand of kanikama. Surely they're all basically the same? If there isn't any, she'd rather use real crab meat despite the expense.

He and Tsumiki try making it one night. Miso soup with whatever vegetables they feel like and the rest of the imitation crab; ohitashi on the side, with enough left over for bento. Tsumiki uses the small bowls to mold a perfect mound of rice on a plate, her little face concentrated as she lifts the bowl to reveal the neat and tidy result. She reminds him of his girl classmates from middle school, to his childish eyes suddenly hypercompetent and attentive about the arrangement of things while he still had to erase his lines two to three times before getting the sentence right. Maybe they had been pretty good at it all along and he hadn't noticed.

Or maybe they were like Tsumiki, and learned that taking care of your things and taking care with your words and actions meant less trouble, regardless of your personal feelings.

"Nice," he says, since left to his own devices he would have simply plopped a normal serving of rice into a large bowl, freestyle. "I'll tilt the pan, would you make sure it all lands right?"

"Got it," she says, ready with the chopsticks and already thinking ahead enough to fret. "Oh, it's going to get cold while we do the rest."

"S'okay, the sauce will be hot." He tries to concentrate like she did, to make the slide of the omelette smooth and orderly. Tsumiki deftly guides the whole thing so it drapes prettily over the rice. "You're right, though, I wasn't thinking about having to make four. I think it'd be all right for two. We practically used all the eggs…"

They'll make Gojo get more. They don't even have to say it out loud, joined in this brief and sheepish collusion over something they share at a level Junpei cannot explain and Tsumiki doesn't need and probably doesn't even particularly want to understand.

"How's it look? Okay?" He wishes he could ask a better question about something more meaningful, and also he wishes for the opposite of that. He wishes his mom were here, that she was raising Tsumiki and Megumi. He wishes Gojo had had enough of a family life to know to wish for something like that instead of supplying the Fushiguros with Junpei, kanikama instead of actual crab. But most people make do with kanikama anyway.

"It's good!" is all Tsumiki says, forgiving and happy enough, as far as Junpei can tell.

The omelette tastes almost the same. Food that other people make for you tastes different than the food you make for yourself — that's probably from a movie, most pithy stuff that rises unbidden to the top of Junpei's brain is. Since he and Tsumiki made the food together, this makes sense, as does much of his behavior towards the Fushiguros. He can't talk to his mother, only stalk her, so this is what happens, the same as it would have if she were dead because she is. She is dead in 2018 and that's when Junpei is from, so all that's left to him is to pass on just a fraction of what she gave to him to someone else. A listening ear. A fucking omelette.

At some point he manages to convey something along these lines to Gojo (minus the stuff about Gojo himself), who tells him, "Don't feel bad."

Junpei sighs, then sighs again three long seconds later as there's apparently nothing more forthcoming from his esteemed mentor. "Is that it?"

"Yeah, just don't." Gojo says, so reasonable and ordinary and oddly forbidding that Junpei shoots him a flat, wary look. As immediately as if Junpei had pressed a button, Gojo embroils him in a convoluted plot to introduce Nanami to the new first years. Like he had this scheme premeditated and ready to go the instant he needed misdirection. Maybe he does a ton of elaborate planning when he's trapped traveling somewhere too far to teleport. Maybe he's just this good at improvising. Junpei honestly does not know how Gojo works.

It's all the more perplexing to see Gojo repeat this behavior with Megumi, who has fewer coping mechanisms and even less understanding of what's going on, though perhaps the latter is for the best. He'd been the most closed off, least demonstrative child Junpei had ever met, and he's still a very guarded eleven year old, if willing to show more courtesies to Junpei for meeting the basic standard of not behaving like Gojo. It's not meaningful, he's surmised. Gojo is the one with the money, the power, the enigmatic vision that he dresses up in ebullient foolishness; Junpei has seen Megumi's gaze tracking him when he thinks Gojo can't see, has watched Megumi devote himself to training with the stoic diligence of a middle aged man and take every piece of advice Gojo gives him to heart.

By comparison, Junpei is a beleaguered underling, dependable if not quite respectable. Megumi surpassed him almost immediately in terms of shikigami control, which wasn't a surprise given his hugely esteemed inherited technique. Maybe if he'd been born a sorcerer, he would've been embarrassed. Since he hadn't, and has no advice whatsoever on jujutsu, he only experiences mild dismay.

He can at least still help Megumi with hand to hand. They try to meet up once a week or so. It takes almost a year of this before Megumi ventures to question Junpei not on shikigami or combat but the only other thing they have in common.

(They don't have Yuuji in common. They never have and they don't, yet, and also might never.)

These are the kinds of questions Megumi has: Gojo told me the Zenin are scumbags. Is that true?

Do you think the system, the whole … cycle of exorcisms would fall apart without him?

Did his classmates die, other than Ieiri-san?

To which Junpei has to answer that he's only met Zenin Naoya and Naoya is indeed terrible, and that he's not sure about the system falling apart, maybe not right away? and that he had no idea Gojo had any classmates other than Ieiri.

The last is not quite true. He has sensed omissions in certain stories told by Ieiri, and something more like a total blackout from Nanami, who doesn't tell stories about their school days at all and will only acknowledge details mentioned by Ieiri or Gojo with monosyllabic sounds of varying emotional tenor.

During one of their breaks, Megumi finally asks him a big one. Junpei is almost sweating before Megumi opens his mouth, though oddly, the question isn't what he expected.

"Why did he pick you?"

He's so young and so blunt that Junpei winces. What a brutal question, all the more so since he didn't, as far as Junpei can tell, mean it to be. Does he learn to smooth his edges before he meets Yuuji? Or is Yuuji just the kind of person to inspire it on his own merits, whereas Junpei, not so much?

"He's not blackmailing me," he makes sure to reiterate. With someone else, he wouldn't be sure they remembered a passing reference in a conversation from when they were six. "… but he did help me out of a bad situation. And then we got along, so … it was okay, wasn't it? I do an all right job helping you guys?"

He says the last bit playfully, hoping Megumi won't feel obligated to give him an honest review, or worse, an awkward one.

Hard to say if it's better or worse that Megumi just examines him closely with his very dark eyes and serious demeanor. It's almost enough to make him wilt, but it occurs to him after a moment what the look might be for, why Megumi would have cause for bemusement. That was his version of a Gojo-style deflection, something he's fairly certain he has never done before, and never to Megumi. Who, one can only hope, isn't able to put any of that into words the way Junpei just did.

"Uh," he says, staring past Megumi's spiky-haired head at the wall. "I mean, he knows I'm … that I appreciate, ah, what he's done. Not that I wouldn't have helped you anyway! If he'd asked! But he knew he could ask me, because, uh …"

The lack of detail is making this sound so much more transactional than it was, which is not necessarily something Junpei cares about. He's concerned how Megumi will take it, is all.

"I get it," Megumi says with the sort of pitying firmness that indicates the subject can be closed as that would be preferable to being further subjected to Junpei's inarticulate rambling.

Well, the kid has a point. Junpei suppresses a sigh and makes deliberate eye contact this time.

"Fushiguro-kun." Light exasperation is only fair. He's not going to let a twelve year old bully him conversationally in addition to with jujutsu. In return, Megumi gives him a put upon face.

"He chose me because he already knew the worst things I'd done. And that I would never harm you or Tsumiki."

Sort of. There was a whole second there, that first time. Ultimately, though, he's sure this is true, and while Megumi's faint frown might indicate he took the second part for granted, that's fine. He lets the sigh out this time, then levers himself to his feet to put the water bottle back near the wall, ready to tell (or … ask, not quite beg, shut up) Megumi to finish up their session.

But there's one more question from Megumi, quiet, frowning: "Then, why did he pick me?"

Junpei straightens where he stands against the belated zip of apprehension in his spine. This is the thing he was anticipating before, though he hadn't known it until Megumi actually said it out loud with the concentrated unrest of someone working through a puzzle he's not sure he'll like when solved.

Unfortunately, he's known Gojo for about the same time period as Megumi has. Maybe less time, actually, he's never been informed of any of the details. Junpei focuses his attention on the kid, trying to — feel something, reaching for that current that sometimes washes those weird impressions to him. To figure out what it is Megumi really wants to know. He's never been able to make it work on command, and this is no different.

He'll have to work through it out loud. "There are some obvious-seeming reasons, right?"

The aforementioned technique, where even the rabbits can push around Moon Dregs. Whatever is going on with the Zenin clan, about which Junpei could happily die without knowing anything more. Megumi nods.

"But you don't think it has to do with that, or like, not all of it?"

"He doesn't have to bother me," Megumi says, the grimmest twelve year old in existence, as if Gojo trying to drag him and his sister to various tourist spots, amusement parks, zoos, or other outings is a trial. Well. Gojo can make it a bit of a trial, but Junpei is certain Megumi enjoys himself eventually. And Tsumiki does too, which is probably a factor in accepting. "He could just pay for everything and send you."

Hopefully, if Megumi detects the wince he's trying not to let out, he won't be offended. Maybe Junpei had seemed sufficiently mature to a six year old who'd been living on his own with an eight year old sister, but he doesn't think assigning a then fifteen year old to take care of them would have been a huge improvement; among the best of what he'd had to offer back then are accomplishments like being able to reach the stove without a step stool and knowing how to do laundry. Gojo getting him to do phone calls and make sure no paperwork was overlooked isn't the same. (Is it … worse …?)

"And you don't think it's just because he likes you and Tsumiki?"

The nuances of Megumi's dead-eyed ambivalence are easy for Junpei to read, in this specific case. Something like, he would believe that if it were just Tsumiki, who has no jujutsu-relevant value and is easy to love and take care of, not least because she deliberately makes herself that way. With a ruthlessness she might not employ were it not for Megumi, though Junpei is not sure how clear that is to him.

"He does, though."

And Megumi shrugs at that, which is fair. What does it signify, how much does it weigh, since Gojo doesn't have the time to see them much? When Gojo uses the same tone of voice to talk about desserts, fun outings, music he likes, particularly interesting jujutsu theory, and various technically-not-his students? When he deflects and redirects on automatic, and only gets serious in carefully measured moments parcelled out like there's a shortage.

It's never bothered Junpei, but he's not dependent on Gojo, and he was already a teenager when they met. While Megumi is probably smarter at twelve than Junpei was at fifteen, it must be true there are parts of Gojo he can see better. From the amount of time he's spent with Gojo, if nothing else.

"Are you worried about something? Or you just don't get it?"

Megumi's gaze drifts just a few centimeters. Junpei would guess he's thinking about the apartment, the school that Tsumiki selected for them both, the carefully curated contents of the fridge and pantry.

"I'm not worried." He confirms, though there's still something downcast about it, like it's more of a resolution than a description of reality. "I'm trying to think ahead."

Whatever Gojo has told Megumi of his nebulous plans hasn't been shared with Junpei, so it's his turn to shrug. "He wants you to be a sorcerer. And I think he … hopes you'll have a better time than he did."

This is uncertain ground, which he doesn't try to hide. His arrival more or less coincided with Gojo's graduation. With almost no familiarity with jujutsu or how the world of sorcery worked (or didn't, as it turned out), he hadn't understood much of what was going on and he was absolutely helpless against the force of Gojo's conversational tide. Nothing was ever explained to him and he never felt like he could ask. People at the school seemed stressed and upset a lot, something which made it easier for Junpei's false identity to pass unquestioned. Gojo would show up for thirty minutes at a time, fix whatever bureaucratic problem Junpei was having and/or throw money at it, talk at him for at least ten minutes straight about quantum physics and jujutsu, then leave again, usually on a mission.

Or he'd be called upon by the higher-ups for … something? … and would return later that day or the next in a terrible mood, usually wearing some variation on a specific accompanying terrible smile, like it was so ridiculous he couldn't help laughing. Often, he would spot Junpei, stop him in passing, and give him some random piece of advice or a contextless comment which, with the hindsight of five or so years, he can say were cheerfully embittered. Hey, Junpei, if I ever get old, make sure to remind me what a dick I am at least once a day, okay? People's memories start going with age, you know.

Wow, someone got you good, huh? Did you at least have fun? Don't let any spoilsports tell you to get serious, Junpei, they've disappeared up their own asses. It's too late for them.

But his tepid description of what he thinks Gojo wants for Megumi does not, predictably, have much of an impact. He tries again.

"I think what he wants is … for things to change. He doesn't like answering to the higher-ups, or dealing with the clans. He says missions are misclassified too often, which gets us killed. That they don't treat sorcerers with unusual techniques well. I don't know, Fushiguro-kun, you have to ask him yourself, he'll probably actually answer that. I was basically a non-sorcerer until right before I met you."

Ah. He's not supposed to tell people that. It's not like Megumi is going to go around blabbing it, though. He'll just, you know, sit on it forever until he's inextricably drawn the truth from it wholesale, and then look at Junpei with that knowledge in his eyes for the rest of Junpei's life. Which, in any case, might turn out to be not that long.

Whew?

"Uhh, don't bring me up when you ask him." If he wasn't already sweating before, he'd be sweating now at the thought of the insidious alpine pressure Gojo calls cursed energy looming unannounced as he carols Junpei, you talk about me with Megumi behind my back? Did anything juicy come up?

By Megumi's grimace, they both have enough experience to share something of the same premonition. "Of course not."

============================

Early on, learning had been rough with Gojo being something of a prodigy and also too busy to cover the basics. Junpei couldn't be enrolled until the coming school year, so in the short amount of time til then, he played assistant for a wide variety of people. Ieiri-san primarily, when she was present and not finishing an accelerated medical course.

That, and apparently Gojo could discern his cursed technique at a glance, because he'd said very casually, "When you have time, Shoko, talk to him about poison and how the human body handles it. Don't worry, he has an intuitive sense for dosage!"

"I do?" Junpei says in his own memory, to the air which has been abruptly emptied of Gojo.

Ieiri blinks at him, curious in a passive, restrained way, like she's conserving her energy. "Well, have you ever killed anyone on accident by poisoning them?"

"No," he answers, then out of some sort of compulsion he maybe should try to fight harder, "not that I know of."

"On purpose, then?" She twiddles with a pen in one hand, no sign at all that she cares one way or another what the answer will be.

He can't tell whether he should look away or if he should maintain eye contact. They both seem dishonest. "No, I … stopped."

"That's why." Ieiri continues not caring whatsoever about what Junpei's answer reveals. "Only some poisons are so deadly that a small amount will kill a healthy adult. It's all about the dosage, in proportion to the body. And some other health considerations."

That makes sense, though it raises another question for him. "I can also put people to sleep without harming them. Or, I thought for some reason that it wasn't harming them. I guess it does, though? Just not too much?"

"Like alcohol," she agrees, "but you should still be careful with it. There could be underlying conditions, stuff that isn't obvious. You could end up doing the equivalent of giving a baby a beer."

Whatever his face does in response to that comparison, it at least makes Ieiri-san chuckle, short and merciless.

"So how are you deciding how much to give them?"

It's a reasonable question that is newly alarming because Junpei has to admit, "I have no idea."

Obviously, he'd already known making the entire school collapse unconscious in the gymnasium was … not great. And what he'd done to Ito was, again, not a good thing to do, even if he was an asshole. He knew all that and it hadn't really been weighing on him, to be honest. But knowing now that he might have killed someone by accident is not so easily dismissable.

"We'll test it sometime," she says indifferently. "I can heal people, if Gojo didn't already tell you. Though poisons can be tricky. They're often effective even against sorcerers that can heal themselves."

She stands up from her chair and gestures for him to follow. "No guinea pigs available right now, though, so you're gonna have to be my clinic helper for today."

And that's that. Ieiri-san doesn't ask him many questions about himself for a long time other than ones related to his cursed technique, or the superficial. He helps her stock supplies, check inventories, file paperwork, and occasionally tend to patients. The first time she lights a cigarette in his presence, he smiles vaguely in another direction and says nothing. Gojo pops in every now and then and annoys her with unsuitable presents or weird conversation.

He's fine whenever they rush a bloody, horribly injured sorcerer in for Ieiri to save. Neither of them say anything about it. Since poison will hardly improve matters in these cases, he's of no particular help; he adds his strength to hers if they need to move the patient, cuts their clothes if she needs to look at an injury, cleans them up afterwards, things like that.

Sometimes things don't go well, and he does all those things too, just for a dead body.

They still look human, even if they're in pieces. It's sad, a little, and strange in a way Junpei struggles to describe. Usually, he doesn't recognize any of them, having failed to meet them before they turned up here on a metal table. Yet the alien sensation he gets looking at them is nearly universal. Just human instinct, he supposes? To see a body emptied of movement and know he should be wary of the same happening to him, although it already did.

His mother's body had been nearly unrecognizable. Fully might have been preferable. But then, that would have allowed him unearned distance from the consequences of his own actions. Anyway, she's not dead right now. She still smiles with that sideways warmth, picks out vegetables at the store decisively, laughs without restraint over descriptions of her coworkers' foibles.

Aware he's been standing here doing nothing when he'd intended to finish cleaning all the blood off this woman's face, Junpei forces himself to focus on her and returns to his task. Though she'll be cremated, her friends and family will probably want to see her before that happens. Her friends might be in the other part of the infirmary right now, actually. He's been conscious of some indistinct ruckus out there for some time.

He hopes none of them join her in the morgue.

After several minutes of concerted, careful cleaning, he's about to move the sheet to check if there's anything else he should do when there's an uncertain knock at the door. Junpei jerks a little because it's so unexpected. Ieiri-san just comes in, usually. He hastily twitches the sheet back in place, not that he'd dislodged it much.

"Uh, yes? There's — I'm working on someone, so —"

So, be warned about coming in, he means, not knowing how to say it in a less raw way. Not that active duty sorcerers are the type to get delicate about seeing bodies. It's different when you know them, though. And it's different seeing them in this context. Junpei watches the door crack open and a man he doesn't know peek in, uncomfortable.

"Nomura-kun? Ieiri-san asked for you."

Another peculiar development. Junpei leaves the table immediately, fumbling through the whole process of disposing of his gloves and grabbing new ones. He should've washed his hands too, but he doesn't know what Ieiri wants from him or how much he should be hurrying and anyway, infection and contamination are not real concerns for them.

The intermittent banging and yelling coming from down the hall clarify matters as there's only one constructive thing Junpei could add to this situation. Ieiri-san is more than capable of putting people under by herself as long as they're not trying to fight her. Junpei hurries through the door.

Every day is another opportunity to learn, or something like that, right? He takes the situation in at a glance: there's Ieiri furthest from the patient, being shielded bodily by a girl with one arm in a sling and the other clutching a red umbrella. One guy lying on the floor, either stunned or knocked out. The cause of that is thrashing on the examination bed, some kind of weird gunk over her eyes, so maybe blinded. Junpei glances at Ieiri to make sure. She gestures him on rather urgently, so he brings his hands up and calls Moon Dregs into anticlimatic existence. The entire jellyfish simply plops down on top of the panicked woman, who immediately sags back into the thin mattress.

Ieiri pushes past the girl with the umbrella so Junpei releases Moon Dregs to give her room and leaves her to it. He helps the man who came to get him move the passed out guy onto a bed of his own, and timidly asks the umbrella girl if she's all right. She is. He moves on to picking up a spilled metal tray of tools, and brings Ieiri another package of sterilized wipes since she's now cleaning the gunk off the woman's face.

"She's good," Ieiri lets him know without turning her attention away. "You gave her a pretty big dose, but it was how much she needed, I think."

He's afraid to tell her, especially with the other three sorcerers in the room, that it hadn't felt like anything. That he still can't differentiate the dosage whatsoever from his end.

She must discern something merely from the way he stays silent and still, and she too gives the other three a casual look to assess how distracted they are.

"It's fine, Nomura," Ieiri continues in a lowered voice, but there's no real reassurance in her tone. She means a separate sort of fine. She means that it worked out, there's nothing he could have done differently anyway, and she's the only one here who could have done anything at all. So no one can hold them accountable, not even each other.

"Okay." He says without any particular inflection. "I'll go back, then …"

And Ieiri just nods at him again, agreement, perhaps even distant approval.

By the time Gojo manages to visit him, whatever he'd half felt like asking has already slipped his mind.

============================

It seems like all the stages of his relationship with Ieiri advance only when he isn't present, especially when he doesn't have the chance to see her for a while. It takes him almost two years to realize Ieiri was waiting to see if he'd die. Or run away, or something like that. Probably just die, though.

Given everything he's seen while at the school, it's hard to take offense. And it's his life too now, but he feels sad for her, not himself. He's barely real; all his losses have been erased. She's the one who has to live on with all the bodies she's had to disassemble by hand.

Warmth doesn't come to him naturally, not right away. He used to be an affectionate kid, though, or at least, he can see that with an older eye. Before everyone started caring so much more about being a girl or a boy, or what it signified if you were good at some things and not others, there was a brief and hallucinatory time where it seemed like he could reach out with one hand and anyone would take it.

It probably wasn't that easy or straightforward. The harsher experiences that came afterwards likely painted the earlier, vaguer memories more idyllic than they were. And it's fine that he took his cues from Ieiri early on, tried to match whatever standard of behavior she set. It's been two years now, though, and this is how he feels about her: she doesn't smoke the same brand as his mom and they're nothing alike, but it nonetheless settles him to smell them on her. She's measured out her kindness like a marathon, unable to come and go and impose her whim at will the way Gojo does, and he's glad she set aside a portion for him.

It's tea in the morning, then coffee the rest of the day, if she's so fortunate as to have her day start at a conventional time. Her time alternates between being incredibly busy and completely alone, so he tries to show up at least once a day. Gojo can't, after all, and also doesn't always seem to want to. There's something between them that they don't have the time or wherewithal to work through. That's the impression Junpei has, anyway.

At seventeen, he doesn't think to question it. The mere idea would humiliate him if it had in fact occurred as such to him. It's emphatically none of his business. He won't discover otherwise until 2017, at which point it's nearly a decade too late — he met Geto Suguru back when he was clueless, still being buffeted around by the whirlwinds of time travel and Gojo Satoru and the world of jujutsu.

============================

Before the time for his enrollment begins, there are some days when nobody's available for him to trail around like an especially unhelpful dog. His presence at the school is not yet warranted by anything. They're not responsible for him and though he follows rules relating to the dorms and whatnot, nobody ever actually tells him he can't leave.

He's fairly certain Gojo wouldn't care, and at the end of the day, Gojo is the only one whose opinion matters. Because anybody who would disapprove is hardly aware he exists.

The prospect of filling the day by himself is a familiar one made strange. No uniform, a phone and a generous amount of pocket money courtesy of Gojo, new-to-him movies that are actually old, and the odd, alarming certainty that even if he died, he wouldn't stay dead. He … has decided he doesn't need to think about that last thing right now.

It's on one of these occasions that he first dares to go see his mom.

He's too wary to do it every time. He doesn't think anyone is actually monitoring him, and he has no idea if sorcerers would deign to do things like track cellphone signals or use CCTV footage. There are other considerations, too. Whether it's fair, for however much that matters. Whether the relief of seeing her alive, happy, and whole outweighs the other feelings that inevitably set in.

He'd thought at first to spend his time on movies, but seeing them alone was more of a dismal consolation than he'd wanted to admit, and now the darkness, the rows of seats, they're a bad memory to boot. Twenty minutes into this particular one and he has to skip out, too restless sit through another horror flick with only a slim vein of redeemable qualities to be mined. Even leaving feels kind of bad, though this theater is nothing like the one he used to go to and it's broad daylight out.

Junpei trudges down a cluttered alleyway, that lingering certainty still in the back of his mind. Hypothetical muggers (why would they be hanging out in a random alley?), carelessly driven kei trucks, food poisoning, or other bizarre accidents, he just doesn't think they matter. He'd be fine. Is this delayed delusional thinking from actually dying? Is it prolonged exposure to Gojo?

The opposite, maybe? He's suicidal and just being a dumbass about it? It doesn't feel right. At the other end of the alley is another densely constructed neighborhood. He crosses the street into it without much thought. Houses, apartment buildings. A small shrine. Tiny, very old shops. A miniscule park with old playground equipment, colors faded from the weather.

He stops, though he doesn't know why. It's sometimes touching and atmospheric in movies when characters too old to be there hang out on playgrounds or even sit on the swings, but that's not really something Junpei's inclined to do. Plus, this stuff is quite small.

There's … a weird sound. Like a jittery, nagging mutter, the voice of something inhuman.

Mahito's transfigured humans sometimes sounded like this. And curses do that too, he'd inferred, though he hadn't seen many. The weird little flying things that Yuuji inexplicably was chasing when they met, and Mahito himself. Not a lot of overlap there.

Junpei approaches the small plastic structure with only a little trepidation. The voice sounds small, honestly, and hadn't he just been thinking about all the ways he can't die?

Crouched in the sandy shadow of the slide is a wizened, toothy creature. It's got spikes protruding from all eight of the arms, though some of them are rather floppy looking. They make eye contact and then what is probably a very similar expression of dismay.

Though it's a curse, Junpei feels sorry for the creepy thing. It was just sitting there and hanging out until Junpei came and looked at it.

Kids presumably play here, though. Maybe it was waiting for a kid. Maybe it would make a kid sick or something.

The gnarled, beige-yellow thing shrills something like a demented phone alarm and throws some sand at him, causing Junpei to flinch back and make a noise of protest. It would be so perfectly pathetic for him to get sand in his eyes and effectively lose his first ever fight with a curse, one that's like, the size of a shoe.

He is supposed to be a sorcerer now. He's supposed to exorcise curses.

Mildly indignant, Junpei shields his eyes with one arm and swipes at the thing with his free hand. The curse is caught easily, though it's harder to hold onto than he anticipated. The skin feels very — ugh, loose and wrinkly, like it will just slip out of his grasp if he doesn't really grip. Gripping tight feels terrible, though, a combination of squishy and wriggly that is making him cringe.

Only cursed energy can eliminate a curse, he knows that. He's only ever used Moon Dregs to fight, though. If Yuuji were here, he'd just punch this thing. It'd probably explode on contact. Junpei is not a puncher, though that will probably have to change.

He's already got a hold of it, so … if he could channel some cursed energy into his hand, couldn't he crush it like that?

The distorted phone alarm racket is really getting to him, too. He spares a moment to glance around. Fortunately, it seems like no one who can hear curse stuff is around. There's an old man doing something to his potted plants, a woman walking with a baby in a stroller and a small dog on a leash, and someone hanging laundry outside the window a couple houses down. None of them take any notice of him performing what would be to their eyes a solo mime act about strangling. He has got to figure this out quick before anyone sees how weird he's acting.

Cursed energy. It comes from bad feelings, right? He was feeling not so great not even five minutes now, so he concentrates on that. Is he suicidal? Lonely? What would it really feel like to be run over by a kei truck? They're not that big and traffic isn't that fast around here, so he probably wouldn't die right away. That'd feel pretty bad.

Now concentrate it in his hand. Block out the insistent and piercing mini-sirens, or maybe don't, it's pretty fucking annoying and annoyance is a viable negative emotion. This curse might be small and pitiable now, but it could grow and build itself all the way into being something like Mahito. And even if it doesn't, how big does it have to be to hurt a kid? When they're so little, it only takes a little bit to hurt them. The amount of poison he tried to put Yuuji to sleep with would probably kill five kids.

So crush it.

Junpei's hand spasms shut on a squelch he wishes were less visceral. The next moment, instinct overtakes him and he slams his eyes shut while flinging whatever the slimy hell is still in his hand to the ground. Oh, gross. So gross! Punching would've been better. Moon Dregs would've been better, though it'd felt silly to get out an entire gigantic jellyfish to squash one little curse. Junpei opens his eyes so he'll know which patch of sand is okay to scrub his hand through. Not that it's clean, probably all the neighborhood cats come to pee here. It's not curse guts, at least.

It's also kind of gross that he did it here, where kids play. Not that they'll see it. That wasn't his intention, though! The curse was here and he eliminated it here, without thinking.

When he dares to look again, there seems to be less and less of the crushed remains, at least. Like it evaporates on its own, which he didn't actually think would happen since it's too convenient. Then again, if clean-up duty were a thing for sorcerers, no doubt Junpei would have already been sent out with a cursed shovel and a bucket, or something. He heaves a sigh, only half relieved.

He has to find somewhere to wash his hands. Maybe it evaporated, maybe it didn't, he still has the repellent sense that something has stuck around. He can practically see it, though he's not sure if that's him making stuff up because he's freaked out — purple markings, a little iridescent, concentrated on the palm. Junpei bites his lip and stands, leaving the playground and the neighborhood behind as hastily as he can without running.

There aren't that many public restrooms around here. The closest one he can think of would be a train station, which is farther than he wants to go. As for the next best option, that would be making himself a customer of somewhere with a restroom. Not that he's hungry in the slightest, and also, it's a bit embarrassing to eat out on his own. People must do it, though. Well, it's the price he has to pay for doing something so dumb. Gojo is going to laugh his head off.

The only criteria for his selection of this particular cafe is that it looks pretty big on the inside through the window. Fancier than he would typically choose, but that improves the chances of a restroom, he reasons, and anyway, it's Gojo's money. He opens the door with his clean hand and joins the line, holding the one he used to kill the curse stiffly at his side.

Once he's ordered, he finds the bathroom with relief. It has to be psychological in some way because though soaping and rinsing makes him feel better, he can still see something on his hand. It's nothing that bad, though. Not like blood or anything dirty. He tries to study it discreetly once he's taken a seat at a random table, turning his palm this way and that in the light.

"Did you hurt yourself?"

The voice is close enough to startle Junpei into looking up, although he doesn't seriously expect someone to be addressing him; he figures he'll find two other people at the next table engaged in conversation, and feel embarrassed. Instead there really is a man standing there and looking at him with polite concern. Long hair, simply dressed and somehow very elegant about it, almost as tall as Gojo. Junpei, instantly self-conscious, shoves his hand under the table without really understanding why. If there is something to see on his hand, chances are low that this man can see it too, and if he can, then … probably it doesn't matter? He didn't do anything wrong.

"N-no, I just — I thought I did. But I don't see anything."

There might have been some way of saying that less convincingly if he really tried. Junpei grimaces. The man's mouth quirks, amused despite himself or in spite of what seems to be characteristic restraint.

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

There's something off in the way he asks it. It's not judgmental or pointed the way some adults make their questions when they're really trying to scold. The man's tone is gentle, a bit playful, even, just … Junpei doesn't know, and the question is still awkward to have to field. His grimace deepens.

"I'm suspended," he says, low, eyes sliding to check that nobody is obviously listening in. This is the story he'd decided on long before daring to venture out on his own. It feels true, in a way, so it's easy to tell. "For … stuff that's hard to explain."

His gaze darts back up warily, hoping that lands, either in receptive sympathy or more informed understanding. The man does pause, though Junpei can't read anything of either type in his expression or body language. After weighing unknowable prospects for a moment, he seems to relent.

"The marks will fade in time."

This time he looks at the man with open relief, shoulders coming down from where they were starting to hunch, and hesitantly brings his hand back from under the table. "So they're really there, even after I washed my hands …"

The man studies Junpei for another beat, then glances in another direction — checking on a table with two small girls, it looks like, who are huddled together and drawing in a big notebad.

"Did you touch something," here he appears to select the word delicately, "unusual?"

The encounter itself hadn't been that bad. To have to admit his inexperience and poor decision making to a complete stranger, especially one as put together as this guy, is embarrassing, that's all. The best he can do is resort to his middle school self, reporting dutifully to a teacher on who broke the thing and what they did to try to fix it.

"Well, there was a, ah … thing. Small. On a playground. So I thought I should … do something about it."

Junpei looks back at his hand with visible regret. "I don't really know how to do this stuff."

"Looks like you figured it out." The man says, carefully encouraging. "… on your own?"

Ieiri hasn't done exorcisms since she was a student, too valuable as a healer. Gojo hasn't had time to talk much about something this basic. One person did tell him some nebulous details of cursed energy, though, as little as he likes to remember Mahito's tutelage. His expression falters.

"Someone explained it. Theoretically." He's not sure why he's bothering to be honest, except he assumes this man is a sorcerer he might see at the school in the future, or maybe a window if he has a family. Maybe a teacher. He seems patient enough for that. "… I'm supposed to go to a new school next year. Guess I'll learn then."

He hesitates, about to ask, but the man blinks at him once, dark and liquid, languid, utterly unperturbed, and Junpei. Stops.

"Then you'll be all right." The man tells him simply, everything that might be a real feeling in his voice lacquered over and made ancient. "Take care."

It's the smoothest, most cultured dismissal and farewell he's ever received. The man continues on his way to the table with his daughters (or … little sisters?) and Junpei feels like he's backed away from the edge of a canyon. Or the canyon walked away from him. He used to get a similar feeling from Gojo, back before too much exposure made it familiar, in the opposite direction. The intimation of towering, near celestial heights.

Shakily, Junpei rises and though his order hasn't been called and it's a waste, he leaves, clutching his marked hand in the other. He doesn't look back to see if the man watches him go. He's fifteen and he's cried enough, as absurd as it is to think; there's no reason to start crying now, nothing happened, the man was nice when he didn't even have to be. He decides he won't mention this to Gojo after all.

In any case, Gojo doesn't return until the end of the week, when all the marks (the residuals, he learns later) are already gone.

============================

In 2017, he's on a mission when Geto comes to the school, and gets recalled from it shortly after. Gojo has him assigned him to the ward where Tsumiki and Megumi live. He never sees Geto Suguru again in anything other than a picture.

There's also nothing to see of Geto in Gojo's demeanor or behavior, though he doesn't understand at first that there could, or should, be something. Nobody tells him, after all. He just becomes aware of Ieiri-san watching Gojo more than she usually does, and then of Nanami doing the same thing in his own way.

But Gojo never misses a step, at least not where Junpei can see. He's perfectly composed day in, day out. He wastes no opportunity to embarrass his first official students, though it was hard going until Yuuta joined them. Maki is the toughest kid Junpei has ever met, including Megumi, though maybe the difference is more in style than substance. She has the outward personality of a middle aged alcoholic hitman. Inumaki and Panda are their own unique versions of impenetrable. The former has a limited vocabulary in which to give reactions, though he's expressive enough when he wants to be, and Panda is, well, a panda.

Yuuta is the seemingly normal one who, when inserted into the first years' already weird dynamic, creates a huge opening for Gojo's chaotic and lovingly meant (maybe? Probably?) sink-or-swim methodology. He flusters easily, he had no idea what curses were until Gojo came and hauled him out of one of those sealed rooms that Gojo always told him could one day be time travel curse user jujutsu jail if Junpei didn't shape up, and he's oddly timid. He takes to instruction and criticism earnestly.

Every now and then, if Junpei is around to observe his interactions with the first years, Gojo will glance at him with a smirk. Probably, he'd be winking if that would be visible beneath the bandages.

Junpei would like to say he's gentler with Yuuta, that Gojo learned something the way he always claimed he would from 'mentoring'. That is not the case whatsoever. But it's hard to say it's the wrong move.

Yuuta's potential is incalculable, very much unlike Junpei. And the elders hate him, whereas Junpei is a complete non-entity because all of his abnormalities were easily hidden. It's not only that they don't have the time for Yuuta to be coaxed and nurtured — September 2018 is coming on fast — Junpei is genuinely not sure it would work. Yuuta actually responds to high stakes and tough love. (Maybe, after a few years with his family so afraid of him and Rika, tough love is still love to be welcomed.)

Did Gojo actually know or at least suspect that before tipping him out of the frying pan and into the fire? Junpei couldn't tell you that.

He doesn't have much to do with them, at first. He has missions, his own research, and he meets up with Tsukumo when she's in Japan. And to be frank, he has nothing to teach them unless they're interested in the theoreticals. Any one of them could beat him up in a fair fight. His experience could count for something, he supposes.

Maybe that's why Gojo taps him to fill in for a lesson? Maybe everyone else was busy? He just got a 4 AM text with a picture of some napkin scribbles and a string of emoji (peace sign, heart, birthday cake, a nazar amulet eye, a squid which Junpei thinks is probably meant to be him, crossed swords, drop of blood, prayer beads, baseball bat, and a worrying piñata which he hopes was a misfire).

"Hey, good news, guys, Gojo-san actually gave me a lesson plan," he says as he lets himself into their classroom.

"Who're you?" Maki asks bluntly while the others stare. Yuuta is the only one to try a polite smile. Well, Inumaki could be doing that behind his collar. But he probably isn't.

"Uhh, Nomura Junpei. Hi." Blank looks. "Grade two sorcerer? Shikigami user?" Recognition is not forthcoming. He can feel a sigh coming on. "Has Gojo seriously never mentioned me?"

Panda raises one hand. Paw. "Nomura, as in, 'that one Gojo kept calling his protege but he didn't amount to anything and now he goofs off with the no good special grade half the time'?"

God. Fucking sorcerers and their toxic ass gossip. Junpei takes the hit, stands there for a moment to grieve the fact he'd never had a chance with these kids to begin with, and resolves to poison more people non-fatally this year, starting with Gojo.

"Anyway, Gojo told me he wanted you guys to —"

Having fully assessed Junpei's myriad weaknesses by this brief conversation alone, Maki interrupts him without hesitation. "You're really just gonna roll with that, huh."

"It wasn't like I was walking around calling myself Gojo's protege." Which was not Maki's point, but Junpei thinks his is more important. "He was joking! Obviously. You know how he is."

That doesn't sound very believable, but it's not like the real explanation is any less weird, or any more convincing, nor did he ever think he would have to furnish any explanation at all, fake or otherwise. He raises his voice a little to compete with Maki's reflex argumentativeness, Panda's cheerful shit-stirring, and Inumaki's onigiri interjections. Yuuta is doing a great impression of an angel simply by not doing any of the aforementioned things.

"Don't you guys complain about his teaching all the time? Now you've got someone else and you're still acting like delinquents." He probably doesn't have the social capital to tease them like this. As he said, though, Gojo's teaching and Gojo's behavior are, by their own complaints, worse. "C'mon, it's probably something fun, since Okkotsu-kun is leaving soon."

That gets him four weirded out looks. He can't tell if this is because he knows about Yuuta's departure, or because he thinks Gojo would want them to have fun. He is absolutely dying up here. Teaching is hard, not that he'd thought it was easy; he just hadn't respected any of the teachers he'd had up until his second life because of the bullying situation. It's probably karma.

The four first years are exchanging looks, gestures, and the occasional mysterious code word with one another in the synced up way Junpei had always admired in passing out on the training field. It's devastating to learn firsthand that it can be turned against innocent bystanders in social situations.

Inumaki has the last say with a determined mentaiko, and Maki turns resolutely back to Junpei and points at him, which is unfairly intimidating.

"Geto Suguru," she says, and although there isn't actually an accusation in her voice, Junpei freezes. This … can't be about that, how would Maki know, she would've been like, six years old —

"No!" Yuuta cries, genuinely distraught. Almost simultaneously, there's a sujiko! from Toge while Panda and Maki go for an oh shit and I knew it! respectively.

Junpei is not on the same page as everyone else, which is both a relief and an embarrassment. Of course it wasn't about that. Why on earth would it be. And now they've mistaken his dumb reaction for confirmation of something else. "Wh-what … wait, what —"

"I made sensei kill his best friend," Yuuta mumbles, or at least, that's what Junpei thinks he mumbled. He looks like he's trying to disassociate. Inumaki reaches out with a practiced hand and pokes him in the cheek until he refocuses.

"What," Junpei says again, plaintive.

"That idiot and that asshole, they were friends back when they attended the school." Maki concludes out loud for the benefit of group dynamics and not for Junpei, though Junpei dubiously benefits. "There's no way Gojo couldn't have killed him before now if he'd really wanted to. He just didn't want to."

Wait, how old do they think Junpei is? He'd better not ask. And now is not the time to be thinking about his early years at the school, when Gojo was at his most disjointed and unsettled, when he and Ieiri rarely spoke to each other in front of him about anything of substance, and … all the other things he just resolved to not think about right now.

This is a disaster. Uniquely so, which is a sort of consolation. There's no way he could have prepared for this. He inhales deeply, summoning his patience and issuing multiple silent apologies to Gojo which he's not sure he'll ever be able to share.

"Okkotsu-kun," he says gently, "you didn't make Gojo do that. You defended yourself, and your friends. Nobody expected you to kill an adult special grade sorcerer."

Yuuta's big dark eyes are swimming with emotion. Junpei is reminded of the cafe, irrationally. There is nothing ancient and untouchable in Yuuta; everything he has is right there to see, except for whatever darkness he once externalized in what used to be Rika and is now a questionable morass of unfocused cursed energy. He can practically see in real time Yuuta deciding that nobody may have expected that of him then, but he'll expect things of similar import from now on, should any arise.

"Maki-kun," he continues. A bit awkward, but Gojo has mentioned she doesn't like being addressed as Zenin. (Though Gojo often calls students by their first names anyway.) "… I actually have no idea what to say to you. You're a wrecking ball. Chill out."

She shrugs. Apparently she'll take that, outdated slang and all.

"Panda, Yaga-sensei wouldn't like you being so free with his opinions." That he has to say with the utmost dryness since Yaga probably wouldn't care in this specific case, and they both know it, judging from Panda's genial non-expression. Still.

"And Inumaki-kun … fine, I don't know what you're saying, I'll own that, but since I'm reprimanding everyone else, I won't leave you out. Hope that's fair." It's Junpei's turn to shrug.

Toge's lackadaisical shake seems to indicate his resignation to it.

"Can we do the lesson now?"

By the end of the field trip to the sealed building stocked full of curses, Junpei has returned Gojo's text with never ask me to do this again and multiple piñatas interspersed with blood drops. Gojo laugh reacts, and the topic of the class, or any other matter related to discussions that may or may not have occurred during it, is never raised between them.

It's another mistake, if one Junpei thinks he could be forgiven for making. Geto Suguru is already dead, and he didn't have the imagination to come up with any scenario in which he might need to know more about him. He himself expects to die for the last time in 2018. That's not what he wants, but he doesn't think he'll survive encountering Mahito again; he's certain that what Mahito does to the human soul is stronger than whatever it is Junpei does to remember the shape of his own.

The only way everyone comes out of it unscathed is if Gojo is there, untouchable and a fount of pure destruction. Yet Junpei doesn't think Mahito will do anything other than scuttle away if he senses that Gojo is around. Then the story will play out somewhere else, with other victims. Junpei wouldn't say his life, the one he has now or the soon-to-be fifteen year old one, is worth that, though he'd dare to say his mom's is.

He wants to see her more than ever. The closer they get to September 2018, the riskier it will be for him to be in that area.

============================

Gojo, the bastard, has given the first years Junpei's number. On the rare occasion they have remotely jujutsu-relevant questions, they ask him first since Gojo is usually unreliable, evasive, or if caught bored while trapped in a car or on a train, an inveterate spammer.

It's not the fairest assessment. If they called him for an emergency, Gojo would be there. (… he's the one who can teleport …) If they were in trouble or in jail or stranded, he would come for them.

Fortunately and unfortunately, they are not any of those things, so they are texting Junpei. About curtains, for whatever reason.

Between checking his citations on a paper probably 3 sorcerers total will ever read: guys please you know gojo has forgotten more about jujutsu than I've learned in 10 whole years right

Instantly, Maki responds: wait how old are you

He opts to ignore that one. Panda can get the answer out of Yaga if they care that much.

Another day, Toge says: You don't use hair to summon your shikigami.

What is he supposed to do with that. Is that a question? Just an unsolicited observation?

? I do is what he settles on because that's pretty typical for shikigami users. Before he died, he did have to use hair. After … it's not something he's going to explain.

Inumaki doesn't argue, at least.

A few weeks later: why doesn't Yaga-sensei like you? From, of all people, Okkotsu, who isn't even in the same time zone right now and should have plenty of other things to occupy him.

ok first of all he doesn't DISlike me. it's bc gojo enrolled me before yaga was principal and he never interviewed me. and then gojo was very annoying about 'mentoring' me

Panda chimes in, somehow (voice to text? Inumaki typing for him? He can change the shape of his paws?): That's true!

The scare quotes aren't enough to stop Maki from commencing interrogation. well are you his protege or not then

They must still be trying to figure out Gojo like he's a cryptid, and they think Junpei is a weak link. Not a terrible analysis except that Junpei knows a lot less than they hope. They're the ones who knew about Geto.

yeah no. It's one thing for Gojo himself to blithely tell Nanami about the Fushiguros. That's not a topic Junpei can open his mouth on, although Maki might know something about it already. he was just covering for me bc I was like a baby curse user before I came to the school

The group chat comes alive with blinking dots. It's fine to burn this cover story now that he's an adult and it's far too late for anybody to do anything about it. And if they bring Megumi into this later, it'll fit in.

He lets the responses drift pass him in a flurry of hah???? that idiot just loves curse users then????? and what crimes have you committed nomura-san! and some excitable keysmashing and Yaga sensei does NOT know that. (Junpei is pretty sure Yaga did know that. Nice of him not to share it with Panda.)

They're funny. He wonders what they'll remember about him when he's dead, if he'll be another weird footnote on their conspiracy board, forever unsolved because there's no way they'll ever get any kind of answer out of Gojo. If they'll get to meet the fifteen year old Junpei and see Moon Dregs again and be even more confused, and if that Junpei will be able to weather the confusion he left behind.

He doesn't answer a single follow-up question, and for once, he kind of gets where Gojo is coming from with that shit.

============================

The older they got, the less Junpei saw of either Fushiguro sibling. He has little to offer Megumi these days in terms of training. Right now he's focused on taming the rest of his shikigami, something that's best done with Gojo's supervision. And who can say what Junpei ever had to offer Tsumiki at all.

She'd still tolerated his occasional presence and a bit of communication; he hopes she could tell how little he wanted to disturb them. He'd offered her the handling of the finances once she hit high school, gone over the savings accounts Gojo had had his clan accountants create, stuff like that. She's always been sweet and polite to him, and he's never gotten a single read off of her. That's not unusual, exactly. That's how it is for most people Junpei interacts with every day. It's only more noticeable to him because he knew Tsumiki from a fairly young age.

In her last exchange before she'd been cursed and fallen into a coma, she'd sent him a picture of the marinated eggplant dish she'd made. He still looks at it every now and then rather than scroll back to read any of the courteous and increasingly formal things they'd said to each other. She'd scored the pieces so carefully.

The first time he visited her in the hospital had been with Ieiri-san. Neither of them had expected he would have much to add. Moon Dregs can influence the human nervous system a bit, but not in ways precise enough for Junpei to make much use of, and not with enough strength to combat a curse like this. All Ieiri can do is maintain her bodily condition.

Megumi apportions no blame, only nods and remains locked up. Seven closed gates of iron and stone in his face and body language, an inherent and immediate grasp of loss that feels like a fistful of nettle when he's near Junpei.

Gojo is beside himself, agitated in a way Junpei has never seen or perhaps simply didn't recognize before. He's surprised he can recognize it now, to be honest. Not that it's worth anything. There's nothing he, or anyone, can say or do. Tsumiki sleeps and no one can wake her, and Gojo carries it in one closed hand while maintaining the smile he's had polished for years. He's taken to wearing a blindfold instead of bandages. He no longer changes them out for glasses when he goes to speak to the higher ups.

He still gets bitter, but it's folded into the rest of his demeanor now, the bearing of him when he stalks around campus. Without the first years or Nanami, he's sleek and streamlined as an ocean predator.

This is not always a good thing, Junpei observes. There's no real prey, after all. There are old men who frustrate him, and missions that provide no challenge, only endless inconveniences. Gojo roams Tokyo at random and restless intervals, hoping to catch Mahito before September 2018 rolls around; he shows up at odd places, at unpredictable times, a hint of displeasure at the corner of his mouth and hidden behind his blindfold. Everyone other than his erstwhile students and Ieiri give him a wide berth.

Well. Junpei, Megumi, and Nanami are in an awkward and equidistant detente. A Bermuda Triangle of inexplicable bad feeling.

In Megumi's case, it would seem obvious that Tsumiki might be a sore point between them, and for Gojo, that's … true? Something like that. Yet for Megumi, it isn't. He treats Gojo the same as always. He doesn't, as far as Junpei can tell, blame Gojo for being unable to fix the situation. That's not a promise Gojo actually made the Fushiguros when he put them in a new apartment, made the school start paying for them, and paid for everything else they needed himself. Maybe to Gojo, it was implied.

As for Nanami, he's almost always standoffish with Gojo, but Junpei has come to consider his behavior rather permissive in practical terms. The number of times he's come across Nanami half-entertaining one of Gojo's weirdass conversational tangents is not insignificant, even if his facial expression usually indicates he'd rather be anywhere else. Is this what friendship as adults looks like? Is that why he and his classmates are a bit awkward at their rare get togethers these days? And is it sad Junpei can't imagine asking any of the other adults he knows that question? Right now, though, he and Nanami remind Junpei of two cats who have gone to the vet, come home, and now they both smell wrong so they're jittery and avoidant.

"You flatter me, Junpei," Gojo says easily, because though he and Junpei are also not in the clear either, and also not for any good reason, they have had more practice moving past it. For Gojo, this is a short break to monitor how well Junpei can imbue a weapon with his cursed technique and to snack.

For Junpei, it's opportunistic multitasking. They'd discussed this forever ago, and they're running out of time to finish all the halfbaked projects they've come up with over the years. They're running out of time for Junpei to do things to improve how things stand in 2018, which he perhaps failed to do with Tsumiki.

That's not something either of them can know. The knowledge he came with was so limited. To the Junpei who died, there was no such person as Tsumiki to begin with, and in fact this has already happened dozens of times with unfortunate mishaps and dead sorcerers of their acquaintance. Either it was always going to happen and he didn't know about it, so nothing got done, or the extra presence of one single person caused a balance somewhere to tip and it's his fault or Gojo's for including someone who wouldn't have been there otherwise. So between them, there's nothing to discuss.

Junpei ignores him and continues trying to ford the whitewater river that is addressing anything even two to three degrees removed from something Gojo doesn't feel like addressing. "Did you bully him in school or something? He never talks about the past."

Though he keeps his attention on the set of needles on the table between them, he briefly feels Gojo's eyes on him, that nostalgic concentrated point of weight that rests against his skull for a moment before disappearing with the movement of his blindfolded gaze. It's funny what can make Gojo do that.

"Hardly!" As usual, nothing in Gojo's tone would indicate he just tried to look at Junpei's brain like that would help him map out where this question might be coming from and where it's going. Or whatever it is Gojo is actually doing when that sensation happens; he genuinely might just be looking a little harder than usual. "He was my favorite kouhai!"

Which is not a strong defense against allegations of bullying. The opposite, in fact. Junpei also chooses not question him about how many kouhai he allegedly had, given how small the class sizes have been this entire time.

"Back then he had a very similar haircut to what you had when you rolled up on the school steps, you know." Gojo is very pleased to inform him, like he's been saving this for a special occasion. "That's why I took to you so readily."

Gojo lies so much that it's ridiculous for him to still get any enjoyment out of it, not that Junpei will hold it against him. He holds up the needle he just finished and the needle he did a minute ago, squinting at them to try and see if they hold about the same amount of cursed energy.

"It's the same," Gojo confirms. "Told you, it's intuitive."

"Thanks," Junpei says, putting them back. "So why was he your favorite?"

Surely, he can hardly be called out for being as casual and conversational as Gojo is, right? He chooses another needle and this time, tries to consciously pump it full of poison.

Who is he kidding, though? Gojo just smiles and matches him, no effort needed, not unlike when he personally trains a student and they can never land a hit.

"He's funny! He's so fucking funny, Junpei, you don't know. He doesn't show it!"

"Not unless you annoy him a lot first?" His dry response loses any of its questionable impact when he yelps and drops the suddenly very hot needle onto the table.

"Bit too much there," Gojo says cheerfully, too late and unrepentant about it. "They're just little things. That'd be fine if you were putting into a bigger tool."

Junpei shakes his head. "I just know someone is going to accidentally poison themselves or another sorcerer if I do that…"

"No poison doesn't reduce the risk of friendly fire, it just lowers the stakes. Needles are fine, but they won't be suited to everything." Gojo kicks back in his chair, crumpling the paper wrappers from his pastries into an extremely compact ball with his technique. "Who even knows if anyone will use them? Though, better to have the option than not have it."

"If they actually stay in our hands," he says sourly. "I'm not going to make free execution tools for the higher ups."

Because while many curses do respond to his technique, only the weaker grades are in danger of being exorcised by that alone, and some are outright immune. The most obvious and impactful use of his poison/venom is against other humans. Fine if he imagines Maki, for example, carrying (or having Panda carry) a case of his needles after he's gone, paralyzing curse users with her typical precision. But he's not so naive to think it'd stop there. The school has an enormous amount of cursed tools in storage, and his technique isn't so powerful that it would be locked away in high security. They could be 'misplaced' easily enough.

"Oh Junpei, the higher-ups wouldn't use them for that," Gojo tells him in a sort of sing-song rebuke, one that's only half faked.

"Right, there's always torture!" Junpei taps himself on the side of the head with an unpoisoned needle, putting on an exaggerated of course! face. They both laugh because it's not funny.

"Fine, I'll make a bunch, and gift them personally to the students." He finishes the needles without taking any care now that Gojo has confirmed it's all the same amount when he's not trying, smiling a little to himself. "You can get them inscribed with 'stolen from Maki'."

Gojo repels the wrapper ball from his extended finger and calls it back repeatedly, with annoying accuracy. "Always thinking ahead!"

Closing the case and fastening it shut, Junpei frowns in thought. "If I made something for Nanami-san, he wouldn't use it, would he."

"Well, he'd never carry it, so basically," Gojo says with the saddened confirmation of an overgifter who's already been rejected numerous times.

"So it'd have to be something small, and also I have to guilt trip him extensively ahead of time. Wait, no —" Junpei taps the table with a decisive finger. "— just something like a tie pin. He'd use that. Or cuff links … no, he rolls his sleeves up quite often. How the hell do I weaponize a tie pin?"

"Not to mention it's one of the things you could definitely very easily prick yourself on," Gojo points out, smiling helplessly for some godforsaken reason. Junpei is too busy stewing on his extremely limited options to work it out, and Gojo, again for unknowable or perhaps unspeakable reasons, simply lets him.

"He… he doesn't need anything poisonous," Junpei admits finally, brave and tragic. "It doesn't mesh with his fighting style."

Gojo flicks his pastry wrapper ball at his forehead to puncture the self-pity. "I've given him two tie pins. Never seen him use one, ever." And when Junpei raises his eyebrows, Gojo preempts him: "They were stylish. Tasteful! Very restrained!"

It would be fair to be skeptical about this, but Junpei knows Gojo's the kind of rich that has access to people with that kind of expertise even if he didn't have it himself, as rarely as he demonstrates it. Also, the logic behind it is obvious. "Because of his tie, it'd have to be plain —"

"Exactly," Gojo nods sagely.

"— maybe it's about the shape?"

"Well, I changed the shape the second go, of course."

"Ah, it could get in the way when he uses the tie as a hand wrap? Though I would've thought he'd just use it to secure —"

Junpei stops as Gojo is giving him a wide-eyed look, or at least, that's what he thinks Gojo is doing through the blindfold.

"Wait, he does that? In fights?"

Of course, Junpei realizes belatedly. Gojo would rarely have had any opportunity to go on missions with Nanami. And if they did go together for some reason, then Nanami would never have to get serious in the first place. Even Junpei has only seen it once, though he's heard plenty about it from Ino.

Wait, speaking of which: "You really just tune Ino-kun out, don't you?"

This is the closest to embarrassed he's ever seen Gojo, not that it would qualify by normal people's standards. "Well, I already know Nanami's cool."

The sulky implication being I know way more about it than anyone, in fact, so why would I bother to listen to Nanami's number one fanboy? The shiftiness fades under the strength of Gojo's seeming preoccupation with this new-to-him fact about Nanami. Though it's only for a moment, that's a lot for Gojo.

Oh, Junpei realizes, late again. All those jokes Ieiri makes aren't really jokes, are they. And he didn't pick up on it probably for the same reason he's dead to Tsukumo's personal student, which is that he couldn't come up with anything at all as even a hypothetical 'type'.

Maybe if he'd still been fifteen, he would have said, someone who's daring, who laughs easily and makes me laugh too. The truth is, though, that it's been a long time since he met Yuuji, and the Yuuji in his memories is the same hilarious, thoughtless, oddly insightful, sometimes frustrating, bizarre and incredible age as Toge, Maki, and Yuuta.

He'll never grow up with Yuuji. They'll never go out to see a movie in the theater together, pool their money for snacks, argue over where to eat, or go on missions. Despite being the one who died, Junpei is the one who left Yuuji behind. His timing has always been poor, though he'd stopped seeing it that way the longer he'd lived onward from 2007.

And he wasn't wrong. There's been more than enough as compensation, and maybe another version of Junpei will have his chance to find an answer.

"What's that face for?" Gojo dares to ask, pretending perfectly as always that there has never been a single second's worth of anything that might have been him giving something away.

"Nothing," Junpei says tartly, "that you'll admit to, anyway, isn't that how it is?" And throws the ball of wrappers back at him, fruitlessly.

[faulty-writes]

Hello! I really love your work and your representations of the characters, i never seen a mha account write this good.

Could your please do romantic headcanons of iida with a chilhoodfriend? It can be anything you want.

Thank you for such amazing work, i really like your fanfics and how you write the characters.

[ Awe, thank you! I appreciate that you enjoy my writing and support my blog! <3 I hope I did your request justice. ]

The first time you met him, you were five years old, at a meeting, attending a prestigious school for gifted children. Tenya was standing across the room, observing his surroundings with his family, and when the two of you made eye contact, you shyly glanced away while he smiled.

You didn't tend to make friends, and Tenya put people off because of his odd way of speaking and bizarre arm movements. However, you found them endearing, and over the course of your elementary school years, you grew closer and had each other's back.

When the time came for you to advance to the next grade, you felt saddened that you would be separated from Tenya. But fate had other plans, and you, yet again, found yourself attending another school together. You happened to bump into him while trying to navigate through the crowd of fellow students. He was happy to see you. "It's quite astounding that we should meet again! However, I am quite honored to have you by my side once more!"

The two of you shared various hobbies. In fact, it was you who introduced Tenya to the wonders of encyclopedias and since then, he committed to them. Others might think he only read them because of his intelligence but the truth was, he read them because they reminded him of you, his dearest friend.

"I wish to make my family lineage proud and attend Yuuei to become a hero!" You'd be shocked at his confession if it weren't the same thing you wanted to do. But you remained silent as he took your hands, and your heart raced as he looked at you and said, "Forgive me if I am being rather forward. However, I want to request that you enroll at Yuuei as well. Regardless of whether we are separated into different departments does not matter because I do not want to lose you."

It wasn't until you witnessed Tenya during the entrance exams that you realized your attraction to him. His built physique and agility had you smitten, and this was the origin of your feelings for him. Likewise, despite ending up in the general studies department, Tenya's feelings for you shifted into a more romantic sense when he witnessed how hard you worked on your academic studies.

Apart from the obvious mutual attraction you felt for one another, neither of you confessed your feelings for fear of ruining your friendship. But those around you seemed to notice the romantic tension in the air whenever you two were together. Of course, every time someone questioned either of you, there was denial.

The first time you tried to kiss him was during the winter when you slipped and scraped your knee on a patch of ice. Tenya offered to carry you to the bathroom where he could properly dress and treat the scrape. He was so gentle when he was applying antiseptic that you couldn't help but lean forward with the intention to kiss him but ended up bumping heads instead.

Your first actual kiss was during the first-year prom dance, the lighting gave a romantic atmosphere as did the soft music. Tenya looked handsome in his blue suit, and his eyes sparkled in the darkened light. You couldn't help but lean forward, and to your surprise, he followed, and a spark came when your lips collided.

"Are you certain you wish to proceed with this…" he cleared his throat, "step in our relationship?" He was happy that the two of you had shared that wonderful kiss and had, at the same time, nonverbally expressed your feelings for one another. But he was still concerned that romance would ruin your friendship.

You managed to help Tenya through his worries and proved that despite your long-life friendship, the two of you were indeed romantically compatible. It was shortly after this that Tenya began to envision your future together. He, as a pro hero, and you by his side with the potential of expanding the Iida family.

[homestuckreplay]

EOA2 - Character Opinions

Just like at the end of act 1, I’m rounding up all the characters and how I feel about them so far, to see if my opinions change over time. There are a LOT more characters in Act 2 than in Act 1, so here’s hoping I remember them all. If I’ve forgotten anyone, let me know!

Love ♡

John Egbert – Still my most favoritest character. I love his facial expressions so much. He’s really going through it, but despite the horrors both immediate and hovering, he finds joy in the small things, which is a trait I love in both characters and real people. His excitement over making the pogo hammer is a highlight of the act, and his movie referencing so hard he breaks the box and his trying to be a paladin with the Slimer pogo as his faithful steed are excellent too. I love how John uses his very specific areas of expertise, like movies and magic and his other interests from the start of the story, to solve problems that don’t at first seem related. I love how he’s openly scared and reluctant and how he rises to challenges anyway. I love how he knows he doesn’t know things and is willing to experiment. I love how he has strong emotional responses often for no apparent reason. I just think he’s neat.

Rose Lalonde – I have so much fun reading anything Rose says. Her GameFAQs are so unintentionally hilarious but she’s also got a great intentional sense of humor, like her fake-mustache W and her trying to create the Colonelsprite. I do think she plays a little fast and loose with John’s life, expecting him to navigate combat on narrow platforms and stairs above an endless void, but I can cut her some slack because she’s having to balance her responsibility over John with trying to save her own life. All of her scenes so far have been based around her game connection with John – either actively playing the game, or trying to reconnect her laptop – and my hope for act 3 is for Rose to get a story of her own. Ideally one that involves summoning one of those sick ass creatures from the grimoire.

Zazzerpan the Learned – He is a twenty foot tall wizard, and as such, is the only Homestuck character I would describe as ‘hot’.

Wayward Vagabond – Easily the best mayor Can Town has ever had. Started off as a rude tyrant yelling at John, but it ended up just being cultural differences, and they’ve really worked on communication. I love how creative WV is, how ready they are to take enjoyment in life where they can get it, and how much they care for their non-edible possessions. They’re in this very structured, somewhat antagonistic, Sburb-mediated relationship with John, but I actually think the two of them have a lot in common, and if they could just sit down together with a big train set they’d have a blast.

Serenity – Not only is she glowing and sparkly, but she’s smart and good at taking responsibility in an emergency.

Like

Nannasprite – Ghost? Harlequin? Game construct? Loving grandmother? Nannasprite is all these things. Sure, she’s going way overboard on the cookies, but she doesn’t know John well enough to know he’s not into baked goods. And she really got him with the bucket on the door. That was a great prank. Mostly, I like her for giving me the Good Lore. Please Nannasprite, I will eat as many cookies as you want if you will infodump to me about Sburb for hours on end.

Rambunctious Crow – An absolute scamp who’s just doing what crows do. Made even cooler by the addition of a sword.

Neutral/Mixed

Dave Strider – I still think Dave sucks, just like at the end of act 1. I think his insistence on irony is exhausting and his raps are a chore to read, I hate how dismissive he is of other people’s interests and how superior he is about his own, I think he’s way too quick to resort to violence and way too slow to do any kind of self reflection. But. Having learned more about his bro and his living situation, I understand why he sucks so bad, and I don’t think he’s really to blame. I hope that Dave’s bro is kidnapped by imps soon, in Sburb or otherwise, because I think that’s the only way Dave could become someone I actually like.

Dad – I’m harsh on parents in fiction. I think Dad seems like an awesome guy, I love his Serious Business app, his preparedness re: shaving cream, his bucking of gender roles by always being in the kitchen, and his refusal to go quietly with the imps. But despite the external trappings of a father and his obvious love for John, he seems unwilling to meet John where he is and be the dad John actually wants and needs. I wish he would do more to get to know John as a person, to perhaps offer him some tasty roasted vegetables, to perhaps buy him the Nintendo DSi instead of a harlequin doll, to open up to John about his own life and to take him on some trips into Seattle. I wonder if he regrets not doing all that now that they’re separated.

Uncertain

gardenGnostic – I want to like GG, and I hope I will end up liking her, but Act 2 has built up so much mystery around GG that even though she’s had a few further pesterlogs I feel like I know less about her than I did at the end of act 1. She really plays up how she ‘can’t’ tell people things but still insists on mentioning them, which is an annoying trait, but I like her positive attitude and the fact that she’s so encouraging to her friends.

Peregrine Mendicant – I like that they are collecting mailboxes, as I am a huge fan of the postal service as an institution, but I do not have a sense of them as a character.

Mom – First off, we should eat the rich and redistribute Mom’s wealth. Her millionaire status aside, I don’t think she’s a good parent, or that exchanging passive aggressive notes with your daughter or ignoring her suicide threats is in any way healthy. But, it seems from WV: Ascend that her role in the story is bigger than raising Rose. Whether that goes towards redeeming her or makes her even worse, only time will tell.

Dislike

Sburb – I’m deeply fascinated by Sburb and I love to analyze it, and the story is making it increasingly clear that the game Sburb (2009) is just a small part of the larger entity Skaia (~4 billion BC). As a story element it’s amazing, but as a force acting on the characters it’s nothing but sinister. Willing to sacrifice the whole continent to achieve its secret goals, many of whom haven’t elected to play the game, and keeping its nature hidden from players until it’s far too late, it’s like a form of extreme gamer Darwinism allowing only its best players to survive. Its use of mind control and its impact on real life means it can’t even be fun to play, arguably the worst sin for a video game.

Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff – I would not hang out with these guys.

Midnight Crew – These four spent a hundred pages stuck in a bunker and all they were able to do was inflict violence on each other and fail to play 52 pickup. WV managed a skilful escape 32 pages after getting stuck. Case closed.

Hate

Bro – Just the worst guy imaginable. Anyone who controls a child through violence and fear, withholding food and a safe home, is irredeemable in my book and bad enough that I can’t even enjoy reading about him. There’s nothing wrong with being into puppets, or porn, or puppet porn, or even making a career out of puppet porn and ventriloquist rapping, but there is something wrong with forcing these things on people who aren’t comfortable with them and aren’t able to say no.

Lil Cal – He is bad to look at.

[disarmd]

Yesss I've been waiting for this opportunity! 😂 I'd love directors commentary on the scene at McLaren manor at the start of chapter three of In Absentia! I feel like there's just SO much there in terms of characterization and relationship dynamics 🧡

[director's commentary] ooooooh, thanks for this prompt, nonnie, i'd love to!!! i ended up having so much to say about this... i literally typed for longer than the original scene. soooo, great choice!

A dinner party at McLaren Manner, the precise navigation of friendly and career development. People were glad to see Lando and spoke to him more than folks usually did when Daniel brought him to events.

with this i was just trying to show that lando had been making friends in the background. fun to write in the slice-of-life short scenes style, because inherently there's less need for connectivity between scenes. which is not to say that i didn't still spend a lot of time moving things around and trying to figure out the right sequence of events to build the narrative. i'd originally planned on this scene happening earlier, so it would be closer to daniel's big battle adventure in the first chapter, but then i needed more to have developed between lando and daniel so the next scene after this one of them at home would have more of an earned kindness. anyway, daniel doesn't see every moment of lando's life, and off screen lando is often inexplicably charming people. i think of irl lando and how genuinely glad everyone seemed to be for him when he got his first win, and imagine this world's version of that where he just manages to be very well liked despite not trying for that in any competent way.

They’d been rehashing the latest campaign — two steps back from where they wanted, needed, to be — when Zak turned to Lando and said, “I bet you were worried about Daniel when he was gone for so long. You must have wondered if he was actually coming back.”

It was passive aggressive, though Daniel wasn’t sure if everyone else at the table would be able to tell. The siege had taken too long and returned little yield. No one had been glad with the results when they got back.

not that i was trying very very hard to weave canon into the story, but a little daniel at mclaren throw back when he was getting blamed for the car not being fast.

“Why would I worry about Daniel?” Lando asked, that careless way he went on talking for too long. “He owns me until he dies. Best case scenario for me.”

He was truly such a blister, such a wretched annoyance in his every waking breath, but Daniel smiled, because he knew that to be true. And he knew the desperate way Lando’d fucked himself to orgasm on Daniel’s cock when Daniel returned. Both things were true.

the way daniel can kind of fracture his relationship with lando into different parts because he's fractured himself into different parts. like who he was when he was young and people hurt him badly, and who he learned to be, and how that meant hurting other people instead. he sees himself as coming to the end of his life and how he's become neither of those things, so now he mostly feels like nothing. but then he's got moments of being both those other selves, and then obviously all the times when he's triggered in other parts of the story and feels like he's back there living it.

He leaned toward Lando and said, quietly, but not so quietly that no one could hear: “Your mouth’s as leaky as your cunt.”

Lando nuzzled into his hand, putting on a pretty tilt to his head, looking up at Daniel through his eyelashes. He seemed to understand the thin ground on which he tread. When Daniel shoved, he went to his knees beneath the table. He warmed Daniel’s cock while the rest of them played cards.

didn't say anything here, because daniel's not thinking about it, he's just focusing on what he needs to do, which is show dominance over lando to reestablish the power imbalance and charm the table to gain social capital for professional purposes. but at the end of the next scene, daniel acknowledges that this was difficult for him. he has a really difficult time feeling like he's being forced to do anything sexual (which sometimes we saw him doing to himself in a way that was obviously bad for lando, worse for lando, but also not good for daniel). and having to perform like this - which is mentioned in the scene where he plays the lute where he allows himself to remember the ways he'd been horrifically trained to perform - is far more difficult for daniel than anyone in the room understands. but also, you know, it's the unhinged porn verse, and i think the interplay between lando and daniel is sort of hot, like the ways lando shows agency and then the times he chooses to let daniel have power. like obviously daniel has legitimate power over lando because he literally owns him, but in the non diegetic bdsm way, i was also playing around with those moments of actual "submission", which can only happen if lando chooses to give it. like obviously they have to do something because of the outside threat against further harm coming to lando, for sure, but probably daniel as well, so it's not literally consensual. but lando chooses to make it easier for daniel, to immediately cooperate, to show deference. daniel doesn't notice, because he's mostly dissociating, but i think lando also rubs his calves a little under the table, a touch that was just for them, which daniel would have liked if he'd noticed.

Daniel played hard then folded when he knew he was going to win, even though he could ill afford to lose the coin. He needed Zak to put him on another campaign. He’d already run through the little he’d taken home last time, and was not entirely confident he could pay all his debts next month.

He cursed his poor luck and got them all laughing. He said Zak would have to send him out to find more coin to barter next time, and ignored the stare Zak had fixed on Lando.

and like in the same way this lando is liked, wanted to show this daniel having irl daniel's social skills, his ability to read a room and seduce an entire group of men. that balance between how he fits the masculine ideal, his objectively strong physical capabilities, and then also the way's he can be visibly and, i think, invisibly vulnerable. in this, daniel needing something (money), which gives men power over him. and then the compounding impact of the power men had over him when he was a trainee when he was young. i feel like daniel would have a sense of the threat other men would be to lando in a way that men who hadn't had his experience wouldn't notice. like he's "ignoring" the stare in that he's not challenging zak on it while he's fawning, but he clocks it for sure. and then i wanted it to feel more intense after reading the next scene, where daniel tells lando that zak's expecting to own him again shortly, just as soon as daniel dies.

anyway, that's the end of the scene, but as if i haven't talked enough already, but part of the thing i had trouble deciding when i was planning the build of the story was where to put all this relative to lando asking to get fucked in the pussy. because, this was the start of the turning point where other types of power start balancing out a little in their relationship and they become something closer to partners.

the other way to sequence the events would have been to have lando ask for daniel to fuck his cunt after this conversation, where that bond of a level of something closer to trust has started to form. which would have also moved it closer in the general direction of consensual (obviously, daniel literally owns him, it's factually non con, but you know what i mean. within the context).

but i ended up not doing that - as you know from having read the story, haha. part of the specific tone i was trying to do for this story was to have things happen that were objectively wrong. and not to dodge away from the premise (sex slaves) and have the story try to convince you that it's conforming to a real world standard of ethics.

plus, i think for lando the trust required to ask daniel to fuck his cunt (something he thought was going to happen on his 25th birthday anyway) is significantly less that what it took for him to become financially transparent. ... more financially transparent, anyway. the bag of money he brings daniel in the next part is not the only he had squirrelled away.

(and are lando's chicken races unrealistically profitable? you just have to understand that he's effectively swindling every single person every step of the way. he's getting money or trade or exchange of favour from absolutely everyone. this lando has, through necessity, become much better at lying than our lando.)

Anyway, if you read all this you’re a hero and I love you.

[savebylou]

The article basically says what it's in the title but if anyone wants to read the article it is below. The book will be out in August 1st.

Lottie Tomlinson has documented the 'highs' and 'lows' of touring with brother Louis at the height of his One Direction fame and the grief she suffered following the devastating loss of her mother and sister in new memoir Lucky Girl.

The influencer, 25, was just 16 when she travelled the world with Louis and his bandmates Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan and Liam Payne, working as a makeup artist during their global On the Road Again Tour.

And she looks back at the adventure, which began when Louis was propelled to stardom on the X Factor, in her upcoming book, where she talks about how she coped amongst the madness.

Lucky Girl, set for release in August, also reflects on the enormously difficult chapters of her life, losing her beloved mother Johannah to leukaemia and three years later, her sister, who was only 18 when she died from an accidental overdose.

In MailOnline's exclusive video, Lottie revealed: 'I have been working on a very special project, which will be launching in August. 

'It's the release of my brand new book Lucky Girl. 

'It's such a special project for me and means so much, looking back on my journey for the first time, all the highs and the lows from the early days of my career when I was just 16 years old to finding my way when life changed forever. 

'Apart from being in a place where I feel truly happy, I have learned to navigate through the hard times even when loss and grief changes your life forever. 

'People often ask me how I got through it all and this book is my answer. I hope that it can inspire you to find your own luck.' 

Lottie was just 18 when her mum passed away, describing the sudden loss as 'shocking' and 'scary.' 

Just three years later, her sister Félicité died from an overdose aged 18, leaving Lottie and her siblings including sisters Phoebe and Daisy devastated.  She regrets Félicité not having access to the help she desperately needed in the years after their mother's death and has campaigned for families to have further aid when coping with grief.  The mother-of-one, who shares son Lucky, 18 months, with fiancé Lewis Burton, has spoken about the all encompassing grief she suffered and how it put a strain on her big family.

She said: 'It was interesting how I coped… obviously it was two different relationships, a mum and your sister, which is more of a friendship and then the different ages, there's a lot that comes into play.

'There's not a one size fits all with grief and everyone deals with it in their own way.'

Lottie told MailOnline that while writing the book was a 'very emotional experience' she also loved the opportunity to look back on her life so far.  She said: 'It's going to be personal to my story. It has been an amazing experience but also very emotional. I have loved it… it's something I have wanted to do for ages. 'We have been working on this for a couple of years, I can't wait to release it and see when it all comes to life.'

Lucky Girl: Family, falling and finding my way will be published in hardback, audio (with Lottie narrating) and eBook on August 1st 

x

[frenchy-and-the-sea]

For the Relationships meme! 5, 12, 20, 31 for Tritchet my beloved Tritchet 2, 16, 27 for Wyn :)c

Did you know that I apparently haven't talked enough about Tritchet here? Did you know that I'm about to remedy that?

Tritchet

5. what is your muse's ideal first date?

DINNER!!! Preferably dinner somewhere unusual, or out of the way, or of some kind of food she’s never had before. Tritchet lives for new experiences and she’s one of those people who needs a lot of calories because she Never Stops Ever, so dinner is the best way to enjoy herself regardless of how good or bad the date is LMAO. Plus, she’s a decent conversationalist, so she doesn’t struggle to carry the weight of asking all the questions. (Prefers to be the one doing most of that, actually!)

All of that said, Tritchet has, uh. very rarely had a dedicated “first date” with someone that she didn’t already know. So. Maybe she just likes getting dinner.

12. does your muse get flustered easily? how would they typically react to compliments from someone they are interested in/dating?

Surprisingly? Yes! Tritchet is confident and capable and good at what she does, but she finds other people pointing all of that out to be, like, WAY too much. I think a part of her feels like it can come across almost insincere? And she’s not ever sure how to navigate that when it isn't. So she tends to wave off casual compliments about her abilities/artistry/looks, and actively clams up when they come from people that she’s genuinely interested in. 

Turns out, getting Tritchet Pock to stop talking is a simple matter of getting someone that she likes to tell her she’s pretty!

20. how does your muse feel about public displays of affection? would they engage in them?

Ahhhh, hm. So. Not…TYPICAL public displays of affection. Tritchet’s still a very private person, despite all of the wisecracking on the battlefield and the tendency to act like she’s got everything figured out, so she doesn’t like for it to be easily notable that she’s out with someone that she has let herself get all fond and sappy over. It’s absolutely fine if people note that she’s spending a lot of TIME with someone, or that they seem to get on very well. but. it’s different when that observation swings to the very obviously romantic.

THAT SAID. She did make that fucking earring.

For the uninitiated, Tritchet Pock is a goldsmith by hobby, and once upon a time crafted a one-of-a-kind set of earrings as a means of processing the grief incited by a certain catastrophic man-turning-into-a-dragon event. When he got better, she gifted him one of those earrings as a dedication to their friendship, and in remembrance of a fallen mutual friend. And much, much later, after a wretched evening where the end of the world prompted her to say her stupid feelings for him out loud, Tritchet went down to breakfast the next morning and found him wearing that earring out in the open, as a subtle but (to her) screamingly obvious way of acknowledging her stupid goddamn feelings out loud. And OH BOY. OH MAN. THAT WAS A HARD BREAKFAST TO GET THROUGH WITHOUT GRINNING LIKE A FOOL THE WHOLE TIME.

So I can’t say that she’s against ALL public displays of affection. They just have to be, you know. Subtle enough that most people would never notice anything but two people wearing the same earring, but obvious enough to anyone who knew better that she had staked a fucking claim LMAO.

31. does your muse develop crushes easily? would they be open about it to a friend or keep it to themselves?

Easily? Nah, not really. Tritchet likes most people, but she has found that she likes most people as contacts, acquaintances and close coworkers. (Something that she shares, I think, with her sisters tbh) Those few who manage to stand out among the huge swath of mortal souls that Tritchet regularly surrounds herself with are rare, and even then, she’s perfectly comfortable with calling them ‘friend’ before anything else.

Ergo, she does NOT speak about it to ANYONE when she feels the brimming edges of a crush coming on. She is much more likely to lock it up and pick it apart in her spare time than she is to talk it out with a friend, even a very, very good one.

….upon further reflection, I have one addendum to this. If she REALLY thought that she needed advice, or to work it out with a conversation…she MIGHT tell Vidofnir.

Wyn

2. has your muse been mainly attracted to masculinity, femininity, androgyny, or an even split (between two, many, or all of the options specified)?

Masculinity, for sure. Wyn is bi, but she finds that her interest tends to land more heavily on the masculine side of the spectrum. Couldn’t tell you why! Wish I knew! Every one of my other OCs would have gone absolutely bananas over Ezmerelda D’avenir and Wyn was just. lukewarm at best around her. No accounting for taste I guess.

16. what is/are your muse's love language(s)?

Touch is a big one. Wyn holds herself so aloof to the world at large that, when she breaks that, it’s intentionally a very obvious change. She tends to show affection first and most obviously through touch, and it tends to be the one that she favors in returning affection too. What starts as a casual familiarity with taking someone’s hand or arm to guide them away from danger can rapidly devolve into draping herself into their lap if they repeatedly respond well to her touch. :>

She also tends to be very vocal about how she feels about other people. It doesn’t seem to cost her any sort of anguish to straight up state her interest in someone — provided that it seems like an appropriate time to do so. Sure, she’s also a dedicated cleric of the grave whose whole purpose in life is to provide comfort for the grieving, so acts of service are ALSO there, naturally, but. like. that’s dogshit standard in her opinion. The touch and the talk are the ways that you know that you have been elevated above the basic love that she shares with the world. 

VIP status → Wyn holds your hand.

27. is your muse more confident or shy when it comes to approaching someone they like?

Absolutely more confident. Wyn has a very casual approach to affection that is easy to dissuade in a way that doesn’t cause a scene, and she’s very confident about that. She’s 100% certain that she can suss out if her feelings are reciprocated and adjust her tack accordingly. Even the people that she was startled to find herself interested in — *coughcough*the wizard*coughcough* —  didn’t cause HER much grief. Because it turns out, when your parents stop just shy of beating the ability to appraise a situation so that you can get what you want out of it, you tend not to sweat most any conversation that you can have. Even an awkward one!

[the-mark-of-a-dying-star]

12 years ago, you were 15 and stood on stage with a nervous smile, excited to perform your debut song.

Critics labeled that move as "stupid," making predictions on how a soloist from a third-rate company can never survive the industry. Yet, against all odds, you won at a music show pretty early in your career.

This opened the door to success. You were able to release albums, hits after hits, won at music and award shows, filmed videos, tours around the world, and even modeling. When you decided to dwell into acting, no one was surprised.

Even when you find it hard to release any content, millions of fans are still there eagerly waiting for you. When did it become so hard? waking up has become a struggle, your manager is back to scolding you like you were some rookie, and your fans are beginning to get worried for you. It doesn't help you're still reeling from being linked to a scanda that shocked the nation. Becoming an idol was once your childhood dream, where did it all go wrong?

⊹₊⋆ play as a tired and depressed K-pop idol-actor on their 12th year in the industry.

⊹₊⋆ choose your appearance, personality, background, and gender preference. you also have to specify if you are known for your singing, dancing, rapping, or acting skills and what type of music you release.

⊹₊⋆ release your last song or last drama (or both depending on your choices!)

⊹₊⋆ spend time with 4 unique people in the industry and get a chance to either befriend them or romance them.

⊹₊⋆ navigate through the fall out of your career after a scandal that shocked the nation.

⊹₊⋆ continue to shine like a star or explode like one while trying.

Yoo Jinhyuk / Jieun ( M / F) — The Constant

Long before either you and J were idols, they were someone from your hometown who was hellbent on outdoing you. Your life was a hell, not only was K your age, they were also a family friend and your classmate.  For your entire life, whenever you do something, J will somehow find a way to do it better. It wasn't a surprise that their career as an idol flourished as quickly as yours. You have spent a chunk of your life wondering if you have done something bad to warrant such hatred. If only you could notice the looks J gives you, maybe you'd see there was never a trace of hatred.

Choi Kihoon / Kyuri (M / F) — The Newcomer

K is your senior in the industry, they debuted four years before the public even knew about you. Strangely enough, you and K have not formally met each other yet. There were many instances where you were supposed to meet them and even work with them in some films, but it always fell through. Who would have thought they would become your neighbor? Known for their intimidating looks and villain roles, K is surprisingly kind-to a naïve level. It's a surprise that they have been able to live in a world like this.  Would you give this kind newcomer a chance?

Shin Hojin / Hwayoung (M / F) — The Artist

Your relationship with H is extremely awkward even when you both come from the same company. As an industry senior, you do your best to guide H and their group so that they can avoid all your mistakes and be the best of the best. However, as H debuted later in their life, they are actually older than you. It throws you off. You don't know how to interact with them without sounding rude. Little do you know, you are their muse. The one H means when they write love songs. Can this hopeless romantic have a chance with you?

Lee Sunwoo / Soojin / Soo (M / F / NB) — The Reporter

You should not be seen with them; it will only ruin your career. It is best to stay clear of them. Well, that is what S convinced themselves. They weren't like this before. S was once known for their professionalism and straight-laced reports, up until two years ago. S was the main reporter who made the public aware of a devious crime done by different celebrities. While reporting it to the public was the right thing, S's mental health took a decline. Honestly, S is a hypocrite. They keep on telling you this friendship is a bad look when they're the ones who crave your presence the most. They want to protect you but fear crossing the line between protecting you and abandoning you.

⊹₊⋆ Trigger warnings: Depression, suicide, self-harm, internalized homophobia, and sexism. More will be added.

[blyghthound]

assorted headcanons from this meme:

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐥𝐞 : what parts of your muse are considered hard to love, and how do they deal with that?

there are a few things that kind of put walls up around her, but if i had to try to summarize it, it would be that sylvie struggles to unconditionally receive or freely give love. it has to be earned, and that means putting in the work on both sides. i think a lot of this stems from her never feeling like she's enough — having to fight for respect, recognition, just to show she belongs. so at times, her need to prove herself, or others to prove their admiration for her, manifests in different ways that can be hard to navigate:

duty comes first, even over you. sylvie's loyalty to the oath she took with the wardens, to what she believes is her only purpose, will outrank her personal relationships. not to say that she won't hesitate if she has to choose between the two. but in the present, dedicating herself to her mission is what she needs to do to make up for her past shortcomings — when she lost herself, and others fell as a consequence of it. she may no longer wear the warden blue, but she made a vow to keep. she'll honour it as long as blight still runs in her veins.

she's hard on herself to the point that it bleeds onto others. when sylvie was a warden recruit, she learned the hard way that she had to work thrice as hard for the same recognition as some of her human peers. with time, experience, and guidance, it became even more apparent that she needed to be better than she ever was to demand their respect. had to work tooth and nail for it. her growth came through pressure, constantly proving herself, never settling for just being enough because she couldn't afford it. she doesn't mean to be controlling in her relationships, but her high expectations might extend to the people around her. she wants people to be better because she's always striving for better. sometimes this blinds her when situations call for compassion and understanding and not a challenge to come out stronger from. however, she's not completely unreasonable and can meet people with empathy, she just doesn't get it right all the time.

sylvie's also incredibly impulsive when triggered. her fight response is immediate — sharp words meant to cut, where little is off limits. when she's cornered — scared, angry, hurt — her first instinct is rarely to sit with those feelings. instead, she bites back. it's how she's protected herself for as long as she can remember, from people she thought meant to keep her feeling small, weak, and useless. this was a lot worse whens he was younger, but still has her moments. she almost always regrets it, thought regret doesn't erase the damage. luckily, she's much better at taking responsibility and will suffer a bruised ego to make amends.

lastly, she struggles to set boundaries around her work. sylvie's clung to wardenhood as a core facet of her identity for over twenty years. even now, when she's been cast out, she's holding on with everything she's got because she doesn't know who she is outside of it. she can't think of a future that doesn't end in the deep roads. everything outside of that has an expiry date, which makes long-term commitments hard for her to consider when she's unsure she'll be alive long enough to keep them.

𝐨𝐚𝐤 : what gives your muse strength when everything feels uncertain?

duty, discipline, the people she loves, the things she can control, something to fight for. for someone who doesn't have a lot of faith, she steadily believes that there's always another side to everything difficult in life. despair is a wall, but not a dead end. as long as you're still breathing, you keep marching on.

𝐜𝐞𝐝𝐚𝐫 : what traditions or values does your muse consider sacred?

1. the threat of the blight trumps all of the troubles of the world.

2. warden secrecy is sacred. even now, cast out of the order, she keeps warden secrets buried with her. as much as she is critical of warden leadership and what may go on behind the scenes that the rest of the order aren't aware of (this began during inquisition, when she felt like clarel betrayed the wardens by working with the venatori) she still thinks outsiders don't have any business knowing what the wardens do.

3. ask for forgiveness, not for permission. do what needs to be done to fulfill your promises. honour your word.

4. loyalty is earned & kept, and betrayal should always yield consequences.

5. accountability above all. own up to your fuck ups and do better. action over apology.

6. honour your dead by fighting their fight. make their sacrifices mean something.

[thewayuarent]

Ways of handling addictions in Only Friends

Tw: drug abuse, overdose

Let me tell this straight away - I was in a relationship with addicted person. By the time we started dating they didn’t use drugs for about couple of months by still used alcohol a lot. They’d come a long way to be clean and I was there all the time every time. This year they collapsed. Drug overdose, the end of it.

So I know that my personal experience doesn’t make me a profi automatically. Addiction is a very complex subject and very personal experience. But I do know a thing or two about it.

And the first rule here is: addicted person will never stop because of you. They need to want it for themselves.

By this moment we’ve been shown three different dynamics where one person is addicted and the other isn’t: Sand and Ray, Mew and Ray and Mew and Top.

Start with Mew and Ray. The thing is, Mew has no obligation to save Ray. He was there for him in the worst moment and, yes, I really want to say that he had to do more for Ray - he is his closest friend and he is definitely struggling - but. But Mew has a right to step away. Because navigating someone through healing is very hard and very long process and Mew doesn’t have to deal with it. I can’t blame him honestly for that.

For what I can critique not Mew specifically but the whole friend group (all four of them yes) is the very next scene where them all - including Ray - are drinking. Like guys, Ray right here tried to overdose, may be it would be nice to have a fucking break?

The Mew and Top situation is way different. Mew finds out Top uses drugs - that’s not the best thing to learn about someone, sure. But Mew doesn’t take time to think about “do I need that in my life” (which would be understandable), no. He makes a statement: stop using drugs and I’ll have sex with you. There is your price by the way. And this is also understandable - it is a manipulation, yes, but it’s very common way to try to handle things like that, and I would argue Mew has good intentions here. And oh, Mew, my boy, I’m sorry but that’s not how things work. You know Top can have more in a phone call, right? You understand that person saying “I’m not an addict” while having a dose in his pocket it’s at least a bit shady? I know that it doesn’t automatically implicates that Top is a hard addict but still.

But he is already lying about it. Using drugs while having fun with your friends it’s not the same thing as calling your dealer and using it alone in your room because you struggle with emotions, just saying.

Making him choose will never work out. Because he will choose, and it won’t be you.

And what’s about Sand and Ray? Sand knows for a fact that Ray has problems with alcohol. He doesn’t know about drugs, at least for now. Sand and Ray know each other for a very short period of time, and Sand is “it’s not my business” type of person, so I don’t criticize him while saying the next thing. But.

Sand is unintentionally supportive of Ray’s addictions. He drinks with him a lot - they are drinking buddies. I can’t be sure but it’s kind of looks like there will be a weed smoking next episode? For Sand drinking time to time and smoking weed can be fine - he is not addicted (by what we know). For Ray it is a call. So of course Sand, so as Mew, has a whole right to live his life without dealing with Ray’s addictions. But they are definitely falling for each other. That can develop into relationship. And then it will suddenly be a problem. But isn’t it already? How will Ray react if Sand suddenly turns from drinking/smoking with him to trying to stop him? I would say not the best way. There is also an option that for Sand it won’t be a problem so we’ll see.

The addiction is not a verdict. Both Top and Ray are young and very rich and it’s a very common thing for young rich people to have some kind of stuff - drugs, alcohol or both. It doesn’t automatically mean they are doomed. But still whoever decides to be in relationship with them (Mew and Sand, talking to you) have to think about it and think hard. Do you understand what are you dealing with? Do you honestly want to deal with it? Are you ready for all of highs and lows you’re going to face? If yes, then good luck to you - it really can work out. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that there is nothing to worry about.

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

I was wondering if you have followed the story of Chappell Roan addressing fan behaviour?

https://people.com/chappell-roan-addresses-fans-predatory-behavior-in-lengthy-note-8700923

I have been following - and I love so much that she's both drawing boundaries and talking about it.

As I've said before, I think the fact that the pop stars breaking through this year are 26 rather than 16 is pretty significant - and the ability and willingness to draw this sort of boundaries is part of it. I remember reading a profile of Shawn Mendes when he was younger where he had three rules - and the one I can remember was that he would never refuse a fan a signature or a picture. I found that rule terrifying then. The idea that you can or should keep every single fan happy in a personal interaction is such a burden - one that people can't really bear. I think it's fantastic that artists are prepared to very publicly not do that.

It has been terrifying to see some people not getting it some of the responses have shown exactly why what she's saying is important. I feel like as she's held firm, more people have acknowledged her points (although the exact dynamic is hard to tell, because it is so hard to )

There is actually one thing that she said in both her Tik Tok videos and instagram statements that I disagreed with. And I've been thinking about a little bit - to figure out if I'm comfortable with where I'm sitting (that's why I haven't reblogged any of the material).

In her instagram she said 'please stop assuming things about me.'In her video when asking people about a random lady: 'would you assume she's a good person, would you assume she's a bad person, would you assume everything you read online was true.'

And in my head I answered 'oh yeah I make assumptions about random ladies all the time.'

Recently in the space of about ten minutes, two different friends told me personal gossip about two different people who had been involved in making my friend redundant at her work. I immediately passed on both of those pieces of gossip on to her, with my own embelishments, assumptions and implications.

While I think that an important part of acknowledging people's humanity and being able to navigate relationships is moving away from black and white thinking. I also think making judgements and assumptions is a key part of humanity and we cannot and should not give it up.I do think both those people are bad people, because they made my friend redundant (and any inclinations towards generosity I find it pretty easy to smother with the fact that they chose to take roles where they had the power to get rid of other people's jobs).

I find it terrifying that I don't know and can't control what people think about me and the stories people are telling - and I really am just a random lady. I'm sure it's exponentially more terrifying being Chappell Roan. But I also think it's true that what people think of us isn't actually our business - whereas the way people treat us is.

It's not surprising that that line is blurred for Chappell Roan at the moment. She has a lot of people violating her boundaries in all sorts of ways and people making their assumptions about her and then making those assumptions her problem. And I think her publicly communicating her boundaries and standing by them is an important cultural intervention.

[luvscharlos]

i was trying to not give any anons attention, but recently ive been getting quite a lot of anon hate for being both a charles & carlos fan. so imma go on a bit of a rant.

theyre both MY drivers like how many other people have their own set of ones they like/dislike. im well aware they are not besties (obv in a sport where your teammate is your first competitor its difficult to form such a relationship and ESPECIALLY when both of them have their fair share of insane fanbases). in the beginning of their partnership i do believe that they tried to paint them as besties when it was clear they were barely getting used to eachother. but throughout the time theyve been teammates theyve shown that they do have a special way of navigating their relationship. both with two different types of personalities but they manage to understand eachother so specifically. theyre both sensible and mature individuals who understand how the world of f1 works and are a good pair. the fact that even people outside of the respective fandoms notice how they work and have quite a bit too say on the delusion that they loathe eachother is quite insane. yes, they have spats sometimes, not everything can be sunshine and rainbows, but when its good its good! the argument of saying theyre just coworkers/ are acting is so.. dated 😬 (also when we’ve clearly seen them act..terribly).

do i think carlos went over the limit yesterday? yes. but as charles literally said theres times where one or the other goes over sometimes. they both have also said that they both push eachother to be better, thats what good drivers/and or teammates do. if we recall monza 23 where they both battled eachother HARD, which many people thought was too much, and both charles and carlos had crazy smiles on their faces cause they had so much fun. even charles saying that that’s what f1 is supposed to be like. its racing, they are there to be the best and there are no friends on track. perhaps in 25 they’ll have more of an opportunity to grow seperately and together (without the pressure of being teammates, like carlos has said before) instead of always being tied down by it every single weekend through the media hellscape of f1.

to conclude, i will continue to love my pr boys 😮‍💨 who are both top and hot competitors. (with inexplicable tension sometimes😵‍💫). let me enjoy the last year in PEACE.