#it came out less than a year ago
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Book Review #20 of 2024--
Everyone on This Train Is a Suspect by Benjamin Stevenson. Rating: 4 stars.
Read from March 16th to 17th.
This is what I've been longing for all month long. I had zero intentions of finishing this book in less than 36 hours, but the heart wants what the heart wants. It's an especially surprising feat given I spent half of that time either working or commuting. My brain found a hyperfixation to override my depression and said "All Aboard!" (Train reference. Ha.) I was surprised to see that I also gave the first book in this series a 4 star rating since I thought this one was actually a bit better than the first. But I also remember feeling the need to bump it up last time based on the writing style and structure.
In this one we follow author Ernest Cunningham who managed to survive a serial killer on the mountains in his last book and who somehow has to survive a train full of murderous authors. He's invited to an author convention aboard a famous train in Australia and things roll along from there (is this stretching the metaphor a little too far? Probably.). I really like the way this series is written and the whole structure of the story. Ernest as a narrator is just so fun. I agree, though, with what Gavin from GavinReadsItAll who said that continuing the series from here might be difficult just because they'll have to try to keep it fresh and new which is hard to do in this format. Based on the way the story ends, I can see a few ways the author can achieve it. I just think it's going to take thinking outside of the box a little bit. I always enjoy a reliable narrator and when the clues are on the page for anyone to pick up and solve the case. There were a couple of things I figured out well before Ernest gave his big reveal at the end, but a few surprises that didn't feel unbelievable.
I think this one had to find its footing a little bit in the actual mystery. How do you follow up the success of the first book? How do you give more twists without being an unreliable narrator? And how do you have subplots that are worth the page time? I think some were more successful than others but can I really fault this book too much when I read it in a day and a half? I don't think I can. I hope there are more in this series in the future and that it manages to keep the structure and writing style fresh and fun.
#book review#book reviews#everyone on this train is a suspect#Benjamin stevenson#books read in 2024#2024 reading challenge#goodreads challenge#goodreads#booklr#bookblr#bookstagram#bookish#books#new release#kind of#it came out less than a year ago#that counts
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truly do not understand people looking at something with dynamic, colorful, beautifully stylized animation and going āokay thatās cool but what if it just looked like real life insteadā
#this was prompted by the supposed live action moana remake (MOANA CAME OUT LESS THAN TEN YEARS AGO)#but also when people are like āwouldnāt it be cool if we got live action clone warsā like WHAT are you talking about?????#I saw someone say there should be a live action spiderverse once like bro š#1k#5k#10k
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I've been moving and navigating further departmental nonsense etc (my pseudo-dissertation got approved for defending, though! l o l). But it was interesting to see the Worst P&P Takes poll I reblogged accumulating more results and the general tenor of responses in the notes.
I mean, the results are definitely to be expected if you're familiar with the side of Austen fandom doing a lot of the reblogging etc. But still, interesting!
Many Tumblr polls specify that they're asking about personal preferences that may be irrationalāfavorite/least favorite, coolest/most annoying, or something like that. This one, though, asked for the worst interpretation of P&P, not the most annoying oneāand the current leader is "Darcy is never really proud, he's just shy and probably has anxiety" against some very steep competition on the Bad Takes front.
I was thinking about why that seemed a kind of tediously predictable choice even though I agree that the take is wrong, and realized that while I do disagree with the shy Darcy interpretation and I particularly disagree with the specific formulation where he is never proud at all, it ultimately feels to me like a failure of nuance rather than just completely wrongheaded like some of the others. And this is probably my fundamental difference with a lot of Darcy takes I see!
In my opinion, a character who is introverted and who feels awkward in various social situations and who doesn't like common social activities and who has to work himself up to talking to his crush and who is repeatedly suggested to behave very differently in contexts where he's more comfortable being interpreted as shy and anxious is not that big of a leap.
Yes, it's important that he is actually fundamentally confident and haughty, that he makes his personal feelings of discomfort other people's problem, and that he thinks he's such a unique and special butterfly that he doesn't need to even put in an effort outside his personal social circle. But it's a misreading that is easy to follow (and long predates the 2005 P&P, as I've mentioned before!).
The additional misreading that a shy and anxious Darcy is also never proud at all is a much more drastic leap, and in my experience, condemnations of shy Darcy interpretations rarely differentiate between "Darcy is shy as well as arrogant" and "Darcy is shy rather than arrogant" as interpretations (although their basic arguments are quite different). But even that as the worst possible misreading of P&P when Darcy is not even the main character is ?????????
I mean, for one alternative (not even the one I voted for!), the idea that Elizabeth is an author avatar Mary Sue seems a far worse misreading of P&P than basically anything to do with Darcy at all. The center piece of the entire novel is Elizabeth's epiphany of self-knowledge about her own shortcomings that do not particularly resemble Austen's at all, but were ethically a concern for her, and she's a complex, interesting character in general whom Austen correctly regarded as a major achievement. Inverting that into Elizabeth as an improbably perfect, reality-warping self-insert is deeply wrong and frankly pretty misogynistic as well.
(ngl though, it's a little funny to see such a blatantly terrible reading of Elizabeth rank so far behind the shy Darcy votes. I've gotten "does anyone actually think/say that?" so many times on my posts about Austen fandom's prioritization of Darcy's character development over Elizabeth's and yet...)
And even just going with the Darcy-centric misreadings, the idea of Darcy as a "bad boy" seems easily the most absolutely wrong take on him. His pride is at least complicated and the finer points can be fairly debated and it's a quality that actually changes somewhat throughout the novel, and you can have discussion over what happened when, whose testimonies should be weighted more, etc. But there is no point at which "bad boy" isn't utterly wrong for him. However, there's definitely a tendency in some wings of the fandom to find the idea of Darcy being misread too favorably more objectionable than him being read too unfavorably, regardless of the particulars, so it's not a surprise.
I suppose you could argue about what "worst" means in the context of variously bad interpretations. Like, is an interpretation that is about a fairly trivial aspect of the book but extremely wrong about it "worse" than an interpretation that is pretty bad but at least comprehensibly so about something very important?
#i remember years ago mentioning that i disagree with the darcy 'shy-ites' but am more opposed to the 'anti-shy-ites'#but was not exactly clear on why apart from their tendency to frame the anti-darcy position as more rigorous and less informed by adaptatio#(this was the case even before the 2005 came out but vastly more so afterwards and deeply annoying as a lesbian fan of the book)#(lesbian is pertinent because many dismissive anti-shy-ite takes assume that more positive interpretations of him#are based on attraction to a particular actor playing on him rather than the text. also it's more acceptable when it's colin firth somehow)#in any case for me it's like ... yeah i think the shy!darcy crowd is wrong but only because it's more complicated than that#not because it's completely baseless#and 'shy rather than proud' is truly wrong but there's enough emphasis on him being different than elizabeth thought all along that i get i#elizabeth as a mary sue or bad boy darcy or actually it's about toxic masculinity etc are just fundamentally wrong in a very basic way#that no amount of nuance or discussion of vocabulary can really address#anghraine babbles#austen blogging#austen fanwank#lady anne blogging#long post#poll nonsense#anghraine rants
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How many hours did they end up staying awake in total? Do we know? I wanna figure out if Iād survive with my stimulants or not.
#DISCLAIMER: Iām not going to attempt to stay up that long just because characters in a show did#but Iām fairly certain Iāve been awake for 72 hours at LEAST once back in college#and somehow drove myself home without a car crash or injury#I did dink someoneās bumper just a tiny bit or I imagined it?? was at a stop light many years ago#so it was a very tiny bump at like less than 1 mile per hour; I was freaking out but nothing came of it#but thatās the only bad thing that happened besides me crying into my bed from how scary driving was while seeing hallucinations on road#mine#op#the edge of sleep#teos#teos spoilers
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I absolutely LOVE the Squirtle/Wartortle illustrations by kantaro in Pokemon 151!
The Squirtle jumping so joyfully from the rock into the ocean, the colors are STUNNING! I love the contrast of the Squirtle's aqua blue framed in the vivid orange sky, the soft bit of blue reflecting in its shell and its tail just catching the sun, how little and squishy its body looks as it launches itself towards the water with such tremendous excitement!
The lineless style of the background gives me the feel of a travel poster and I sense the tropical environment around it from the rocks and trees framing the corners, the waterfall splashing with as much energy as the Squirtle!
The layered blues on the surface of the water and the bubbles rising at the corner make me FEEL the liquid rising to meet the Squirtle--I can just feel how the next moment it's going to break through and be immersed in a cool island swim!
And the Wartortle running along the sunset beach, this is somehow everything I always imagined for Wartortle! I adore the way the rich purple melts into the warm red/orange sky, the matching purple clouds and shadows in the foreground, and how the dimming sunlight glows red on Wartortle's deep blues!
I love how the yellow and orange of the sky illuminate the lapping waves, I can just feel the gentle motion of the sea at dusk. The aqua color of the ocean matches Wartortle's ears and tail and sets off the red-orange sand, I just love how the colors are here!
Wartortle looks so round and squishy, I love its happiness as it goes frolicking through the shallows, chasing the bubbles caught in the setting sun! The shine and deep shadow on its shell give it an almost jewel texture like real tortoise shell; I love the silhouetted splash Wartortle leaves as it goes running across the shore. It's so full of energy and delight at the end of a gorgeous day! The colors in these are SO vivid and harmonized and the style is so cute and bursting with energy and joy. I just LOVE it (also Squirtle is my starter)
#pokemon#pokemon tcg#long post#i have deep affection for bulbasaur as well though and i also love the bulbasaur/ivysaur cards in this set#i SO wish we'd gotten art of the final evolutions in the same style as the pre-evos' standard cards!!#(yes i do love the full art ones but i also love the illustrations on the standard cards!)#from the way the settings in these two were going; i would have imagined blastoise to be set at night (??)#i LOVE pokemon cards. i can't keep up with every set but i started collecting again now and then a few years ago#and 151 has really got me wanting the full set the way i haven't since childhood. SO many beautiful illustrations (but there always are)#it's like having little pieces of art of my favorite characters and it's only.. slightly... less expensive than actually commissioning ....#i KNOW it's less expensive to buy the individuals online but it's so much less fun#part of the fun is having YOUR own pokemon journey ((going to the store)) and seeing what YOU encounter ((when you open the pack))#i do buy them online sometimes but i usually dont form as strong associations with them as when i open a pack in a certain setting or place#i tend to try to save them to open right before a significant event like starting something new or a holiday. so that i form associations#and it's like 'oh that's the galarian obstagoon from when my mom came home for christmas'#and 'that's the snorlax who reassured me when i was hurt'#i don't buy them too often so i've got to make it count#anyway i know i should wait for the prices on this one to come down because it's absolutely ridiculous#i didn't buy anything at release because i was like $6 for one booster pack??? but i couldn't take just sitting and watching them sell out#i really like the poster because i can look at so many beautiful pictures all together#i could say stuff like this about literally every pokemon illustration (if i had time to write it out) and sometimes i've wanted to#i just chose these two because these are a couple of my original favorite pokemon and i just couldn't keep it to myself. i LOVE these
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#my desserts#okay the hot dog and hamburgers aren't my design they're one of the standard designs we're supposed to make#and about a week ago we were having a store tour#which is essentially when a bunch of rich people from higher up in the company come walk around the store#so everyone has to work way harder to make everything perfect and jam pack the shelves with food#so that they can look at it#and they send in people who's job it is to micro manage everything in the lead up to them coming#and they always insist on coming on like a monday or tuesday so most of that stuff expires and goes in the garbage#like if they at least came on like a thursday we could be prepped for the weekend rush#it costs a lot of money too like my manager owns the store and he personally has to pay for like#getting everything professionally cleaned and the extra hours and the extra product#and this was like the 6th visit in the past year! usually you get 1 or 0 visits in a year! why do they keep coming back!!!!#and this visit they were adamant about having those hot dog and hamburger cupcakes out as 6 packs#and if you're going to do 6 packs anything less than 24 packs looks pathetic#those of you who can do multiplication know that that is 144 cupcakes#and those of you with keen eyes can see that the bun is made by cutting off the top of the cupcake. which is very tedious#those cupcakes took me THREE HOURS to do#then as soon as they went out on the floor someone placed an order for 24 6 packs this coming weekend so that took me three more hours š#anyway after all that the higher ups didn't even come. they had 'dinner reservations'#but yeah making 16 to sell individually isn't so bad
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i used to think that there will never be another trc because of its unique quality for the genre but i'm starting to think that there will never be another trc because i am not a kid anymore and loath as i have been to admit it i was a kid at the cusp of 19 when trc found me making it the last story i would ever experience that would feel like it's part of my childhood. because it is
#woag.#the raven cycle#i just checked and the first time i posted abt trc was oct 1 2014. almost exactly 10 years ago#20 days before bllb came out. i only sat with tdt for around 20 days? i remember it feeling like an eternity#and yep i was barely 3 months into being 19#less than a year before i immigrated to usa and adulthood started to. begin#time and space are bathtubs that i splash in
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oh i can already tell iām about to have some really unpopular opinions about the edge of sleep tv show
#i remember everyone loving the podcast when it came out#but as someone who was an active fan of audio dramas and podcasts for years at that point the show just. made me frustrated#i realized later after listening to left right game that qcode has this very strange and almost uncanny production behind it#where they get incredibly famous actors to play characters and then bank their marketing on that alone#and the writing is always *almost* good. like sometimes you start to think you might actually be listening to a good show#bc i mean the audio quality and special effects are all stellar#but then the writing and acting is always just a little bit too over-the-top and dramatic for it to feel natural#like the writers donāt know how to portray emotion without visuals so they just make everything Way Too Intense#and each time it feels like they just ask āwhatās the most insane thing that can happen next?ā#āoh ok heās gonna chop daveās dick offā#and every time you start to actually like a character they say something misogynistic or just otherwise batshit fucking insane#not to mention that time in left right game where a girl confessed her love to her best friend before LITERALLY DYING FOR HER#only for the best friend in the next scene to be like āerm iām not gay š awkwardā¦ā and sheās NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN#qcode productions are kinda like the fast fashion of fiction podcasts i think#they churn out so many so quickly and they always feel just slightly unnatural or superficial#not to mention when i tried looking into them years ago and itās impossible to find#literally anything about them. like their minimalist ass website was so insanely insanely vague#and yet clearly theyāve gotta have a fuck ton of money backing them to have this absurd amount of a-list talent on board#(which really i think that is all they care about)#anyways yeah some markiplier fans are gonna get pissed at me for not kissing the ground he walks on. but i was one of you. i AM one of you#and i hate that somebody out there is holding the iron lung movie over us like weāre dogs and if we wanna watch it#we gotta watch this show. which BTW they are giving no details about where to watch it#and seemingly no promotion or marketing material for a show thatās been in production for years coming out in less than 3 weeks#just weird as fuck man. and i donāt even think mark has much to do with it
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i was led to believe that torrenting video games would be about as easy as pirating literally anything else is. and so iāve been spending 3 hours downloading a game that i expected to take 15 minutes tops
#turns out you canāt just add āfree onlineā to a google search and access triple A video games that came out less than 5 years ago š#the worst part is that the game is on sale for like $10 rn. i just thought this would be easier#but i did it#tea.txt
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just donāt know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game iāve hardly blogged abt before#but iām not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah yāall r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways donāt mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#itās insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought iād be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but iām v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadnāt found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything thatās happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasnāt Loving it yāknow#but that may be more a āme having to fight tooth nā nail to force myself to consume new mediaā thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since iām not filming my HSR stuff iām gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and iām probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but letās not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways letās return to the subject at hand while thereās still room left in these tags shall we#iām so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since heās leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2ā¦ it was nice to see-#-him here at least š„¹ iāll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was āyāknow DR RATIO once told meā¦ā like boy we get it ur in love with him š (/J!)#i love how they canāt go on these programs w/o talking abt each other itās adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILLāS KIT!?#they canāt just fuel my crackship like thisā¦ god and his whole āmuddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?ā thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothillās inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck iām here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. āwho /is/ he? ā¦ does he order milk at the bar?ā iām crying sheās so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYoās version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. weāve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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without doubt one of the worst things about bratz dolls is that you cannot display them without shoes bc they look weird as fuck. stumpy ass bitches
#tales from diana#i bought some bratz w a walmart giftcard my brother got me for my birthday... like months ago#my birthday is in april so i probably bought them like may or june#i opened yasmin today and i really gotta wash her hair it's a gelly mess#lookin like a rat's nest fuckin... it's bad mga wtf#it's the forever bratz yasmin from this year btw not a reproduction#i did also get the reproduction of campfire felicia bc it was also there and the same price#and like honestly she was lookin so cute and tbh she was a better deal lol she came w two outfits so yeah#you know yasmin was my favorite design of the forever bratz but the doll itself is somewhat cheaper than i was expecting her to be#ppl always praise mga for having higher quality than playline barbie these days but like... i kept thinking#hmmm if this had come out in the 2000s this doll would've had a fabric purse and not a hard plastic one#this lace on the front would actually be able to open and not just be glued there#whatever she's still cute i really love her#but i did have that first experience in such a long time. like since childhood. where i just take off some bratz shoes#and i'm like NO FEET! NO FEET! NO FEET! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH#PUT IT BACK!!!!!!#they look more than just naked. they look injured#i used to treat my bratz clothing completely differently than my barbie clothing as a kid bc they felt so much less interchangeable lol#i had a million barbies and a million barbie outfits and i really did not care to keep anything on a particular doll#w my couple of bratz that i had in childhood i really had to be careful where those outfit pieces ended up. couldnt leave em undressed#i suppose that still hasn't changed#you know one of these days i have to get myself a new funk-n-glow jade. she was my first bratz#but also one of these days....... i gotta wash yasmin's hair š
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nothing like news about a sequel making me want to replay the original
#this is about vtmb#they lost me at clans dlc and only 4 clans being in the base game š¤¢#and nosferatu 99.9% not being in the playable clan pool#šš«#i missed vtmb sale recently but i'll repurchase it in december once it's on sale again#i've played it like 12 years ago the last time i need to replay it bc the news about vtmb2 are too depressing ;/#bc it's shaping up to have less rpg elements than its almost 20 year old predecessor ššš#imagine that baldur's gate 3 came out and the sequel bg4 was as basic as baldur's gate 1#vtmb#vtmb 2#rip me bc i was so excited perhaps even more than for bg3
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maybe binging the white lotus and the boys back to back in less than 3 days total by staying up til 6am every night is doing bad things to my mental stability. maybe
#HOW THE FUCK DID I START *gestures* ALL OF THAT LESS THAN 70 HRS AGO#i feel like I've aged like 500 years mfšššššš these fucking shows are so heavy#i need to watch something happierrrrrrrr but brotherrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i wanna#watch shows where gay people fuck each other im so sick of the gay media landscape#but the only media where gay ppl fuck is also media that is just deeply miserable. no way out#this isn't really me asking for recs i watch a LOT of shows chances are if#something came out more than like a month ago i probably already know about it#but ughhdhdgdhhdghh i need smtg specific before i lose my mind#iwtv blueball will never not make me mad. u were supposed to be the gay people fucking show...#barking
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Moment of Realization.
Nothing special about the place in this photo, but this is the exact moment when it really, really registered in my mind that Iām 7,000 km from home, in London, England. Maybe it was the eff-you scale of the architecture, or maybe it was how I started to notice how there seems to be no pattern to how street signs were mounted, or maybe it was that I realized Iād spent the past four hours trying to figure out how localsĀ¹ chose which side of the sidewalk to walk onĀ². Whatever it was, this was where and when it all sank in. I really did this. Wheee!
Footnotes:
Ā¹ I watched for people with work-style bags, or a gym bag, or for people ignoring the scenery and watching (or casually ignoring) the pedestrian lights.
Ā² If there is a pattern, I havenāt found it. I looked all overĀ³ Holborn, Strand, Whitehall, and Soho, on a Saturday night.
Ā³ Saturday was Asexuality Day,and if thereās something more asexual than spending Saturday night in some party-parts of London, trying to discern the localsā sidewalk protocols, I donāt know it.
#travel#asexual#asexuality#london#I came out as aroace less than a year ago so of course Iām still making everything about asexuality
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URL Music
Thanks for tagging me @bi-stander!
K: The Koi Story (é¦é²¤ę) performed by Jiaju and Zongli
R: Renn by :LOR3L3I:
I: In And Out Of Love by Armin van Buuren feat. Sharon Den Adel
S: Surrender by The Birthday Massacre (cw: lyrics about stalking)
M: Middle Of The Night by Elley DuhƩ
A: Arise by CLANN
G: Good Behavior by Plumb
E: Everytime We Touch or Evacuate The Dancefloor by Cascada (Sorry I can't choose!)
F: Flower Maiden by Dzivia
I: I Miss You by blink-182 (cw: flashing lights, disturbing imagery, depictions of drowning, and spiders)
C: Concomitance by Anton Belov (bandcamp link since I couldn't find it as a single on youtube)
S: Show Your Fangs by The Crane Wives
By the way, a lot of these videos have the lyrics in the CC, description box, or in one of the top comments. Though I know some of the lyrics for "Good Behavior" are wrong.
Tagging @yuuugay (three U's might be hard, but I believe in you, Yuki!), and @georgiedoesntfloat (I'm sure you'll find some awesome songs!), and anyone who'd like to do this too! (Sorry for not tagging anyone else, I actually did like 96% of this two days ago then my brain decided it couldn't think of more people who like music and it hasn't been cooperating with me since. :/ Did I go overboard with the colors? Idk, but I'm leaving it.)
#I'd say this list is a fairly good representation of my totally random music tastes lol#rip to āAngelā by First Aid Kit which got bumped off because I just found āAriseā this morning and I fucking love CLANN#(I say that as if I've been a fan for a long time when the truth is I found them - and 2/3 of the music on this list - less than a year ago#you can pry cheesy 2000's dance music out of my cold dead hands! it got me through some rough times and it's still fun#is it just me or does āI Miss Youā hit harder now than when it came out 20 years ago? wait wtf it came out 20 years ago?!?! haha I'm old#I still have every song on Chaotic Resolve (the album āGood Behaviorā is from) memorized I listened to it so much after it came out#if you do look up the other songs on it be aware that āCutā is about self harm and my take is that āDamagedā is about CSA but it isn't clea#it's the least Christian album from a Christian musician I've ever heard#I have a pretty hard rule to not listen to Christian music from a certain time period ever again but that album is my one exception#(there are good reasons for both the rule and the exception but that's a whole damn post on it's own to explain)#tag game#music
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think š
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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