#is truly fucking breaking me now
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anybody else on the very fucking edge after having murder on the dance floor permanently stuck in their heads for the last *insert truly unacceptable amount of time*
#saltburn#sophie ellis bextor#and her posh af voice saying DARNCE on repeat#is truly fucking breaking me now#SEND HELP#murder on the dancefloor#oliver quick#felix catton#cattonquick#ear worm#on another level#holy fuck
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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everybody! quick! tell me what aro joy means to you <2
#i will go first. breaking the boundaries set in place by the systems of love and romance is so cool#and i feel like it opens up so many possibilities.#like i've said in a poem before aromanticism to me is not a lack of anything it's an opening of the world before me...#it is also! the fact that i have had to contend with the thought of a future living my life alone#and now i am not only at peace with it but so happy with the idea. so overjoyed at the thought of spending my life with myself.#self esteem and delight and choosing what you want and making a life that is really and truly your own#without society's expectations changing it and without someone else's expectations changing it#AND. being sexy as fuck. aromanticism to me#if you don't feel aro joy rn you are not allowed to bemoan the experience on this post. i care dearly for you but go find another post.#before you do that though. take a second and look through the notes... hopefully people will have put some good stuff in there...#it is hard to get to the point of aromanticism bringing you joy sometimes BUT. by fucking god you can get there.#and it is so so fantastic...#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#talking#aspec#aroace#aro positivity#aro joy#aromantic positivity
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went to post this on twitter but i didnt wanna get banned . crazy that u can scrape my entire lifes work and i cant even tell u to die over it <3
#im just so ........#grips fists#i feel Helpless#i hate feeling like the people i know are receding further and further Away from art communities and the public because its so#painful right now#to be posting art :(#it just IS.#and to the motherfuckers in Toyhouse doing this like... i cannot stress enough how much if u called me rn i would tell u to die 2 ur face#i just... cant pretend like im Okay with u being anywhere Near the same space as me anymore <3#there are people i Hate on an individual level and#i still want to see them eat. just not at my table#but to everyone who Scrapes Art. I want you to Die <3 ....#you value having pretty little image and serving yourself over the grief of millions of artists#to the point where you break into Our spaces where we trust that we're at least safe from *you* motherfuckers#and take Even More ...#youre fucking#selfish and greedy#truly an embodiment of every fucking sin#unable to fucking Help Yourself ?#imagine if all of these people were like. contributing to society.or. idk. DRAWING#the Waste it generates stresses me out to no fucking end too#like you will literally harm the entire human race for Yourself#i Hate you . I Hate you so Wholly#I hate Everything you are and Everything you have done to me and Everything you have done to my community and my peers#yeah. i want you to Die. The same way i want a politician to die.#no human Deserves death <3 but i still want you to <3#annnyyywaayyyyyss#i wont tag this as my art LMFAO its basically a fucking#vent post#i just HAD to get my feelings out cuz genuinely every time i talk about this with my friends it
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“You’re enjoying this aren’t you”
#I just think you should be able to confront him if you broke in but didn't trigger anything major#you're telling me I can't call him out on his self-cest bad at sex incubus stuff without killing him???#truly a crime#tav balian#he canonically breaks into the house of Hope to steal mol's contract but gets sidetracked and fucks haarlep#this is for all the body type 3 and 4 enjoyers#he is CHEST HEIGHT AND CALLING ME PIPSQUEAK???#shut up idiot before I kiss you on the mouth#villains with dumb outfits my beloved <3#my art#bg3#baldurs gate 3#bg3 raphael#bg3 fanart#raphael x tav#baldur’s gate 3#tav x raphael#dnd#reposted with some minor edits#thank you everyone who liked the original post but I couldn’t help myself#now it matches my durgetash one
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guess who just watched s7e11 and is not ok that is me me is who
that scene when buffy saves spike is so powerful and so touching, i think this is def in like top 5 most emotional spuffy moments in the whole show</3333333 buffy's gaze at what they've done to him, spike's slow look of realization, the smile of relief (the look of love too and buffy staring right back at him with all the care in the world (and love but...) the touch of confirmation, the arms around the neck/arms around the back walk out </33333
... s7 them are not letting my heart rest one second and even though i strongly have questioned the writers, whoever made sure s7 them happened thank you
#the stages of shipping with these 2#has truly been a journey#from slow and unserious to pause to build up again but faster and serious now and so much aching and then the musical and screaming#and then angst and spicy and pining for more and dreaming up scenarios that either came true (and some didn't</3) and heartache so much hea#heartache to the writers saying fuck you after that sweet wedding moment and going in a whole other direction when literally any other angs#would have been better to ''break them up'' (esp if they were once again going to build them up again) (if only one could have been a spy i#that writer's room cause wtf i never know what the writers wanted with them)#AND THEN SEASON 7 AND THE BUILD UP IS SLOW YET FAST AT THE SAME TIME BUT SO LOUD SO LOUD AND SWEET#AND SOFT AND so much care and a bigger and stronger new trust and#the chemisty between james and sarah is award winning and more#they are so good#mine#buffy#i have so much to say but feel like i don't even have enough words to describe how they have made me feel#spuffy
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kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....
#bungou stray dogs#been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me))#cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands)#but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people#first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now#he was groomed since childhood just like dazai#but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there#and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong#but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself#which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong#and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia...#and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO#where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!!#it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay.#chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself#and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him.#didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!!#i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess#and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just#One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall#he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!!#there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma#and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc#it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!!#even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man#both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation#i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda#and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death#oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)
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i'm so fucking tired, this hellhole isn't even a community at this point lmao it's just a fucking nightmare.
#i hate this place i truly do#i've been in simblr for seven years and it's so fucking depressing seeing what this so called community has become#good bye for now ✌️#i really need a fucking break lmfao#follow me at @/vilnan if you want to chat!#💬 chatter
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i should be kissed and i should be fucking someone right this second
#🗞️#i have a date tn and its a second date and like i liked this guy enough but hes just kinda mean.#and idk. probably gonna break it off with him after tonight#maybe not. but if not still its gonna be our last date til like sept/oct#so its almost like breaking it off#i wanted to kiss my friend yesterday sooooooooo bad truly i go for a beer with a woman and im like oooooh. kissing time???????#and then im like fuck shes straight and has a boyfriend😑and thats never a problem for me but well its a deal breaker for her obviously.#i truly just should stop dating men like whatttttt am i doing i know im a dyke and a lesbo like what is going on#i only started dating men again cause its been a year since i had sex but now i fucked like 10 diff people this month and i should just sto#sigh sigh sigh
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Car-less. Laptop-less. Bitch-less. I have nothing left to my name
#my life truly is a comedy of errors rn so i'll try laughing instead of crying 💀#my car died in the parking lot of where i was picking up my deceased laptop ajskdgl. all while riding through a severe thunderstorm warning#my mom came out to help cause my dad said he was too busy buying soup 😭😭😭#managed to start it and drive her over to our family's auto repair shop. now i'm home#my mom insisted on getting me food and the only thing around was mcdonalds and i tried to tell her no but she got it anyways.#so now i'm eating fucking. genocide chicken nuggets. at least i didnt pay for them and i'll donate some money back but#breaking my boycott indirectly was really the cherry on top 😞#i' going through it rn can u tell asjdkglhl
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#whew. this sucks#i.... hhh#well. im... sad.#and scared. and painful. and lonely.#just really running the whole gambit of shit right now.#and fuck I'm just so tired.#so so so so so tired.#everything keeps happening. Just. Over and over and over and over#i cannot get a break#i don't feel like I've truly rested in months#im out of my program now. and....#......i dunno. maybe my memory just fucking sucks. but i feel like im worse#i feel like i didn't even go.#three weeks of memory. down the drain.#like it didn't exist.#i cried a lot. I know that. Breakdowns constantly.#it's all gone though. I don't remember it#........gods you have no clue how.....petrifying that is.#........am i even alive?#Did i kill myself weeks ago and i just don't know it yet?#i feel so alone#im so tired.#....I'm so tired......#.............please let me rest...... im so so tired........#........when can i stop...?
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had one very short interaction with my mother-in-law and once again I think I won't get through living here until the end of March :)
#she drives me insane#she asked something. I answered. she goes 'okAaaAayyyy?' in the most irritating tone ever.#like what is wrong with you. what.#she's so fucking irritating. truly the most joyless serious bitter person I have ever met (and I have met my mother so...... that's saying#something)#it's just. man social interaction is already so difficult but she just. makes EVERYTHING weird.#literally dude all I said was that yes everything's great with me and the cats 👍 how ELSE was I supposed to respond to that??#I know I'm overthinking it and being a horrible ungrateful little bitch but god I just can't stand her#I don't CARE what they do for us I still just don't like them 😭 yes I know I'm the worst 😭#my husband had to promise me that I won't have to see them more than twice a year once we move. I just. they drain every last bit of life#and joy and happiness out of everything#drives me insane#anyway I'm done being an asshole for now#been trying to take a tumblr break but where else would I complain about this.#personal
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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Whoever invented major depression with year(s) long episodes/groups of episodes should be vaporized i think
#Technically I think the episodes can only last for weeks or months#But mine for whatever reason occurs in clusters spaced years apart so it feels like#5 years on then 5 years off#My old therapist always said that I am largely resilient unless it's sufficiently large stressor occurs in which case it completely fucks m#For a while#Takes so long to get back up#I am sure this presentation is not uncommon. it blows big time doesn't it?#This is an embarrassingly personal post and I will delete it but right now I just need to get it out somewhere#Also weed is really not helping right now. It's fine when I'm doing well but it sabotages at me my lowest#I was really trying my best to get less keep less in the house etc and then Evan's mom without knowing this of course#Says that she feels like she needs a break and gives us...as Evan describes...a “Willy Wonka amount of weed”#😩 truly a blessing and a curse#I'll manage this just makes it harder. She was so generous too#I'm going to go do some planning to kickstart my dumb asshole brain lobes into gear#Sorry if you read all this mess#Woof
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life update i will NOT be elaborating on but my entire friend group now knows i have written a dreamSMP fanfiction (which apparently now TWO people have read? i know one of them has but who is the other...) and one of my friends (dsmp hater) distantly knows several dsmp members. i hate college
#nightmare.personal#winter break has truly fostered some of the most insane conversations amongst me and my friends#but i'm really excited to now have the potential to instakill everyone including myself by writing cough syrup in their dorms#i just don't know how the infromation about CS has spread but admittedly funny as fuck to have that reveal be#in an instagram voice memo
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[ after leaving the fathoms of Ishmael's ego ]
HONG LU:
GREGOR:
HONG LU:
GREGOR:
HONG LU:
GREGOR: Lot of yuri for a dun--
HONG LU: A LOT of yuri for a dungeon!
I have multiple memes locked and loaded for when this time comes and by god will I not be afraid to unleash it.
Spamming this several times when we get the ishmael-queequeg woman and wife (er, husband technically in this situation??) cuddling scene in 4k in the new artstyle just like in the novel
#assorted outisms#the asks had a purpose#ishmael#if queequeg remains a man. well. you will see me on international news.#fucking. limbus has made me read the entirety of moby dick. i am now eating through crime and punishment atm#novel rodion bbygirl. wow. what a man you are truly. murder two people and instantly fall into feverish delirium. every single person in#town manages to get shoved inside your tiny apartment as you break down.
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