#is this runaway max bullshit

[pendinganchor]

i’m just minding my own business looking for a clip from stranger things via googling cause i don’t wanna deal with trying to find it in the episode on netflix and somehow i end up on billy’s mom’s wiki page and i’m sorry what

did i fucking miss something???????????

[miaisagirllover]

some of yall fuck ass niggas be making fanart of b'lly taking care of a cat acting like he wouldn't burn it and yes im saying this cause of the events of runaway max

[thegayhimbo]

Stranger Things The Dustin Experiment Review

If you haven't yet, be sure to check out my other Stranger Things Reviews:

Stranger Things Reviews/Theories:

Stranger Things Play:

Stranger Things The First Shadow

Stranger Things Comics/Graphic Novels:

Stranger Things Six

Stranger Things Halloween Special

Stranger Things The Other Side

Stranger Things Zombie Boys

Stranger Things The Bully

Stranger Things Winter Special

Stranger Things Tomb of Ybwen

Stranger Things Into The Fire

Stranger Things Science Camp

Stranger Things “The Game Master” and “Erica’s Quest”

Stranger Things and Dungeons and Dragons

Stranger Things Kamchatka

Stranger Things Erica The Great

Stranger Things “Creature Feature” and “Summer Special”

Stranger Things Tales From Hawkins

Stranger Things x Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Crossover

Stranger Things The Voyage

Stranger Things “Deliver Me From Evil”

Stranger Things Tie-In Books:

Stranger Things Suspicious Minds

Stranger Things Runaway Max (Part 1 of 3)

Stranger Things Runaway Max (Part 2 of 3)

Stranger Things Runaway Max (Part 3 of 3)

Stranger Things Darkness On The Edge Of Town (Part 1 of 3)

Stranger Things Darkness On The Edge Of Town (Part 2 of 3)

Stranger Things Darkness On The Edge Of Town (Part 3 of 3)

Stranger Things Rebel Robin Book and Podcast (Part 1 of 2)

Stranger Things Rebel Robin Book and Podcast (Part 2 of 2)

Stranger Things Hawkins Horrors Review

Stranger Things Flight Of Icarus

Stranger Things Lucas On The Line

Stranger Things Episode Reviews:

The Vanishing of Will Byers (Part 1 of 2)

The Vanishing of Will Byers (Part 2 of 2)

Synopsis: Following the Battle of Starcourt, Dustin attempts to adjust to life in high school as he deals with the fallout of being targeted by bullies and his friends growing distant. When he learns of a science fair taking place in Indianapolis, Dustin enlists the help of Eddie Munson to get the project off the ground as he begins to consider his future.............

Observations:

I ended up reading this book twice, prior to the 2024 Election. First time was difficult to get through due to a slow beginning and my mixed feelings about the last 4-5 pages. Rereading it a second time and thinking things through was a more positive experience, and I ended up having a lot of fun with the story, especially when it came to Dustin's science project and his personal adventure at the science fair.

In terms of how I'd rank it, I'd say it's definitely better than last year's Flight of Icarus, and even a cut above Lucas on the Line due to not having continuity errors. However, it's not quite to the level of Rebel Robin or my Top 5 best tie-ins in the series. There were issues with it, but the book does a good job sticking after you've finished it, and what it presents does make me excited for the direction they could go with Dustin in season 5.

I'll start with the parts I took issue with, and work my way up to the positives that made the book worth reading:

Part 1: Bullying (i.e. The First 3rd of the Book)

Those who have followed my blog know I don't have any patience for bullies. In fact, when it comes to Stranger Things and the themes it explores, I have a harder time watching scenes with characters like Troy, James, Tommy, Carol, Billy, Jason, Angela, the Rink-O-Mania crowd, and Two, in comparison with the horror aspects like the Upside Down, the Mind Flayer, and Vecna. A lot of it has to do with how the bullying is uncomfortably grounded in reality, as well as a lifetime of experience on my end dealing with people like this (both on social media and off it). The last year alone especially has been eye-opening with how shamelessly vile and hypocritical some people will be, especially if they think they can get away with it. It's gotten to the point I'm not hesitant anymore about blocking people, or dragging them over the coals if they continue to poke the bear one too many times. At some point, you either develop tougher skin and a "No patience for bullshit" attitude, or you continue to be a target and a dormant for these people. I chose the former.

Having read Lucas on the Line beforehand, I knew that a story focusing on Dustin between seasons 3 and 4 was bound to focus on him and Mike getting bullied, and wasn't surprised when they depicted it in all of its ugliness:

I'll be honest in admitting I never liked Jason as a character. When I first saw season 4, I pegged him immediately as self-absorbed and coasting on self-righteousness and arrogance (even before Chrissy got brutally murdered), and the way things played out did NOTHING to alter that perception. While I initially felt bad for him over the grief and anger of losing Chrissy, that immediately vanished the moment he whipped the townsfolk into conducting a witch hunt against the Hellfire Club without giving a damn about whether innocent people would be hurt in the process (which they were).

Since the release of Season 4, and the subsequent tie-ins that have accompanied it, my opinion of Jason has NOT improved, especially with how this book, Lucas on the Line, and Flight of Icarus depict him as a bully with his own prejudices and anger issues that would lead him to look for any excuse to pick fights with people he didn't like.

I would go as far to argue that Chrissy's death didn't turn him into a monster so much as it brought out the nastier aspects of his character that were already there to begin with. This dude was a timebomb waiting to detonate, and even if Chrissy hadn't died, something was eventually bound to set him off.

On top of that, Jason's treatment of Mike in this book is pretty awful, and only made him more detestable. It also makes his not-so-subtle threat to Nancy in "Papa" about going after Mike a lot more heinous in hindsight:

The book helps flesh-out Mike and Dustin's irritation with Lucas wanting to join the basketball team and why they have a problem with it. It also give context into why they believed Lucas was deluding himself when he claimed this would allow him, Mike, and Dustin to become popular in High School and therefore untouchable to bullies: That was ALWAYS a fantasy that was never going to happen. Jason and his squad were repeatedly awful to Mike and Dustin during their first year of high school, and no amount of Lucas kissing up to Jason was going to change that. Their frustration with Lucas was less about him wanting to play basketball (though neither of them show much enthusiasm for the sport to begin with) and more about wanting Lucas to wake up and realize how much of an asshole Jason and his buddies are.

I've seen fans criticize Mike and Dustin in the season 4 premiere for skipping Lucas's championship game to do Eddie's D&D campaign, and while I initially could understand that position, having time to reevaluate has made me realize they probably made the right call in hindsight. For all of his flaws, Eddie accepted Mike and Dustin and gave them sanctuary within the Hellfire Club, which made their lives in high school bearable. He even offered that same courtesy to Lucas in spite of Lucas also doing basketball (something that Jason had no intention of ever doing for Mike or Dustin while they were a part of Hellfire Club). Whatever acceptance Jason initially gave Lucas (which arguably had a lot to do with Lucas making the winning shot in the championship compared to if Lucas had messed up and cost them the game) came with strings attached. The moment Lucas crossed Jason is the moment he would become Jason's enemy, regardless of the reasons.

All of this makes me indifferent towards Jason's eventual fate. I'm not going to say I was glad he died, but at the same time, my sympathy was nonexistent by the time he bit the dust. Some people might call what happened to him Karmic Overkill, but Stranger Things has always made a point in demonstrating that karma doesn't distribute itself how you want it to. Decent characters like Barbara, Chrissy, Benny, Bob, and Eddie all suffered horrific fates they didn't deserve, whereas awful people like Troy, Tommy, Carol, Colonel Sullivan, Dr. Brenner, and Angela were lucky if they got any sort of comeuppance. Hell, Angela is one of the most loathsome characters in the entire series, and the best she received for her sadism and public humiliation of El was a Grade 2 concussion as opposed to the grisly death she arguably deserved.

Hell, I would go as far as to argue everyone in Rink-O-Mania who took part in El's bullying deserved a gruesome end a la Stephen King's Carrie, but I don't get to make that decision, and neither did El. They're all disgusting people devoid of any redeeming qualities, and I won't feel bad when they're eventually on the receiving end of the cruelty they've dished out (especially since none of them have the self-awareness to recognize how mean-spirited they are), but the cold hard reality is people like Angela and her ilk get away with that kind of behavior in real life (as we just saw a few weeks ago with the 2024 U.S. Elections). Characters like Angela and Jason getting any sort of consequences for their behavior, even if it's small, is cathartic for me, and that's not something I'm going to apologize for.

I will say that, for all the bullying Dustin experiences in this book, he handles it in a mature manner. A lot of this has to do with Dustin having life experience dealing with this kind of crap, and recognizing how pathetic and unoriginal it is:

Out of all the characters in the Party, Dustin is the one who adapts well to his environment, and it's a big reason he's been able to survive the hardships life throws at him. It's something I admire about his character.

Part 2: Dustin's Friendships/Relationships

Adding on what I previously said, it's notable Dustin is the one who makes friends the easiest. He may have come late to the Party (around 4th grade, according to him), but he was able to integrate seamlessly with Mike, Lucas, and Will, which is something the comic Stranger Things and Dungeons & Dragons depicts:

A good chunk of this has to do with Dustin working to find common ground with people and seeing the positive merits in others. It's how he developed his friendship with Steve and looks up to him in a big-brotherly way. It's how he formed a bond with Eddie in this novel. It's even how he's able to reach across the isle towards people like Ankia (who initially has a haughty attitude towards Dustin before she mellows out), or Danny, or Suzie, or the kids at Science Camp as depicted in that comic:

It's a good life skill that will serve him well when (and if) he leaves Hawkins alive.

A central focus in this book is Dustin reevaluating what he wants in his life, as well as how he views his relationships. Since the events of the Battle of Starcourt, the Party has split, and Dustin feels he's been left to fend for himself. In many ways, the structure of the story echos what Lucas went through in Lucas on the Line, except in this instance, it's Dustin aiming to try out something new in order to deal with the changes in his life. While Lucas veered into basketball, Dustin decided to put his intellect to use by entering a science contest. Unfortunately for him, neither of his friends express much interest in his passion: Max is depressed and isolated following Billy's death and Neil leaving her mom, Mike has shut himself away following Will and El's departure from Hawkins, and Lucas is in basketball training and hanging out with Jason's jock friends, which causes friction between Dustin and Lucas. The most support he gets for the project is from his mother and Eddie.

Speaking of Eddie, his introduction doesn't disappoint. Just like in Flight of Icarus, Eddie is someone who's moved past caring how others think of him (something Dustin respects him for), has no issue publicly calling out Jason and his jocks for their bullying, and is quick to adopt Mike and Dustin into the Hellfire Club (and later Lucas as well). Dustin's desire to impress Eddie, first by fixing his walkman and later his AMP box, is what inspires Dustin's science project: A Super AMP box of his own that would allow Dustin to record sounds, play them back, and measure changes in distortion and signal-to-noise ratios. With some encouragement from Eddie (as well as a promise for a drive to the fair and an arrangement to listen to Eddie's playlist of Heavy Metal music), Dustin heads out on his own side-quest (as he cheekily puts it).

The friendship between Dustin and Eddie is a highlight, and Eddie's attempts at helping Dustin are hilarious as well as heartwarming. Eddie is someone who likes Dustin for who he is, and encourages him to not let others tell him who he should be:

In many ways, Eddie reminds me of Jay from Lucas on the Line who also acted like a mentor figure/friend to Lucas, and motivated Lucas to be his true self.

The tragedy is, in spite of both Jay and Eddie being positive influences for Lucas and Dustin, both of them were cruelly driven out: Jay was forced to move after being targeted in a racist attack against him, whereas Eddie got scapegoated for Chrissy's death and died before he got to clear his name. It's a parallel that reminds me of Karen's words to Nancy in season 3: "This world, it beats you up again and again until eventually........most people, they just stop trying." Both Dustin and Lucas have always been fighters (same with the other members of the Party), but it doesn't make it any easier that the people they care about disappear from their lives when they're at their most vulnerable.

Speaking of vulnerable, part of the conflict Dustin has with his friends is also similar to Lucas's conflict in Lucas on the Line where both characters are going through their own hardships and assessing whether their friends will actually be there for them. Dustin does clash heads with Lucas over basketball, but a good chunk of that has to do with the crowd Lucas is hanging out with. Dustin knows Jason and his jocks are NOT nice people, and is baffled over why Lucas would want to be someone like that:

It takes some time, and a few missteps, but Dustin is able to eventually not only see Lucas's perspective, but also Mike's perspective regarding his issues, and make amends with both of them before things permanently fall apart:

This isn't much of a spoiler since the group is united again at the end of season 4, but the suspense leading up to that point comes from HOW they're able to keep their friendship together in spite of life's tribulations. There's a moving scene at the Video Rental Store where Robin and Steve hold an intervention to get Mike, Dustin, and Lucas to reconcile. During it, each find out that, despite the surface differences, their fears are similar in nature: Behind Left Behind. Losing friends. Failing the people they care about. Their bond is a lot stronger than they give it credit for. And as Steve notes, a lot of the problems they're having are manageable if they're willing to talk through it:

Speaking of Steve, it was nice seeing the book cover his relationship with Dustin. Just like in season 2, Steve takes on the role of mentor as Dustin keeps barging into his workplace (oftentimes before Steve closes, or else scaring off customers in the process) to vent about his issues. Steve, of course, takes it in stride, and offers what advice he can (along with the new video releases that Dustin is interested in).

I was initially worried this book would feature petty jealousy and contrived drama between Steve and Eddie over which of them Dustin liked the best as a friend (similar to what the show Supernatural did with Sam and Dean Winchester in Season 8 when they introduced the vampire character Benny and tried to play him as the new "brother" that Dean wanted over Sam). Thankfully, the book steers clear of that. We get brief glimpses that Steve is insecure that Dustin has started to lose interest in him as a friend (something that Dustin refutes in the narration), but Steve never becomes actively malicious against Eddie or tries to prevent Dustin from seeing Eddie (which is in direct contrast to how the Benny/Dean/Sam drama played out in Supernatural). The regrettable thing is that, had Steve and Eddie talked beforehand (similar to how Steve was encouraging Dustin to talk to Mike and Lucas before making any rash decisions), they could have become friends a lot earlier before season 4. 😞

Suzie also makes an appearance, and just like with Steve, she acts as an encouraging presence and voice of reason for Dustin as he's navigating high school. Their interactions are sweet without being over-the-top, and they even run a book club where they discuss novels they're reading together. In fact, compared to Mike and El's stilted communication while they're apart in different states, Dustin and Suzie are a lot more open with each other about what's going on in their lives (minus anything to do with the Upside Down). It makes their relationship look healthy in comparison.

I know people see Suzie as a "take-or-leave" character, but I like her, and I'm glad Dustin and her are a couple. I'm not sure what the future holds for them, but I hope she is eventually clued in to the Upside Down. I'm also hoping we get to see her interact with other characters besides Dustin (like she did with Mike, Will, Jonathan, and Argyle in season 4) and maybe even have some kind of role in helping Dustin against Vecna's army. Who knows? Her intelligence and love for fantasy could be put to good use in that situation.

We also see a little more of Dustin's friendship with Will in how they keep in touch via letters. It's a relationship that remains solid, with a nice balance between Dustin's intellectual side and Will's perceptiveness. Will encourages Dustin with his science project, and gives advice to Dustin regarding his difficulties with Mike and Lucas, as well as what he should do with his future:

There is something to be said about Dustin and Will being the glue that holds the Party together. Considering that Dustin is able to talk about his problems easier with Will in letters than he's able to with Mike or Lucas, it gives the impression that, out of all the members of the Party, Dustin is able to relate better to Will. Or maybe it's because it's easier for Will to speak openly about his thoughts and emotions, compared to Lucas and Mike who struggle more.

Dustin's interactions with Max and El are shown briefly, but aren't given the same in-depth look as his other relationships. Dustin is aware of Max's depression and living situation (and later finds out she broke up with Lucas) and does what he can in offering to be there for her. As for El, while he doesn't know the particulars, he picks up pretty quickly that El is unhappy in Lenora for reasons that are obvious to the audience (May Angela continue to get hit in the face with a heavy object every day for the rest of her miserable life). 😒

Finally, there's Dustin's relationship with his parents. The few interactions I've seen between Ms. Henderson and Dustin have always given the impression they're close and that they do a good job supporting one another, and this book confirms that. She knows that her son is a genius and allows him to nurture his creativity and scientific interests (even as she's having to call the power company multiple times since Dustin uses up the electricity in the house). I like their mother/son relationship, and I'm disappointed she's not coming back for season 5.

As for Mr. Henderson..............Dustin sums it up best to Eddie:

This is pretty consistent with how Walter Henderson was depicted in The First Shadow, and I'm glad the book includes this nod to the play.

Part 3: The Science Fair

The middle part of the book, which deals with Dustin building his "Bard Box" (i.e. the AMP box he uses to record sounds) and his adventure with Eddie in Indianapolis, was my favorite part. Not only does it feature great bonding moments between Dustin and Eddie (including the hilarious revelation that Eddie has a fear of ducks), but there's a fun mystery Dustin stumbles upon while he's at the fair that allows him to put his deductive skills to work. It's a plot with similarities to the comic Science Camp in that Dustin meets a group of nerds like him whom he befriends and they work to track down a culprit with malicious intentions.

Just like with Science Camp, I won't reveal the particulars or who the culprit is, but it was pretty easy to figure out the culprit's identity. However, the journey with Dustin and the new friends he makes is enjoyable, and I wouldn't mind seeing those characters again in a future tie-in. There's also a fun bit with Eddie having to look after a duck named Frodo Quackins (yes, that's actually his name) and his ability to improvise and entertain people:

If Eddie had survived, he could have had a career in theater, and he would have been good in it. 😞

All of this leads up to a moment where Dustin is offered the opportunity to escape Hawkins and attend a prestigious science school called Eastwood. And the remainder of the book deals with Dustin struggling over whether to accept the offer or not.

Based on how season 4 went, you can already guess how that panned out.

And this brings me to where Dustin's story goes from here......

Part 4: Dustin's Future in Season 5

I've speculated for a while that, just like with Nancy's crusade to get justice for Barbara in season 2, Dustin will be trying to clear Eddie's name in season 5 for Vecna's murders. Based on the BTS photos they've released, it looks like there's a long road ahead for him:

I'm hoping there's a major payoff to this potential arc beyond just clearing Eddie's name. Part of the reason I brought up bullies like Jason and Angela earlier in this review is because I've started to grow sick of seeing the main characters repeatedly getting dumped on while receiving zero credit for putting their lives on the line to save the world. Meanwhile, assholes like Angela and Jason make the main characters lives a living hell, all the while enabled by the people around them, and are either coddled for their behavior (Angela) or memorialized for it (Jason). While I doubt Angela or any characters from Lenora (including Argyle) are coming back for season 5 (though if she does return for some reason, I hope Vecna causes Angela's head to explode), I have a sick feeling that Jason's hold over Hawkins will still be there by season 5, and characters like Dustin will be dealing with the fallout of Jason's crusade. Whether it's in the form of Jason's basketball team taking revenge for their fallen comrade, or Hawkins residents swallowing the propaganda about the Hellfire Club being a Satanic Cult, I expect life isn't going to be easy for a while. That's not even getting into how Dustin will still be grieving Eddie's death and having to put up with the slander thrown Eddie's way.

What I'm hoping for is that, during all of this, there is an eventual reckoning for Hawkins. That the residents are forced to come face-to-face with the lies, the bigotry, the prejudices, the bullying, and all the uglier aspects rooted in the town's social structures and history. I'm not going to be happy if the townsfolk remain passive while reacting to the horrors around them as the main characters are forced to do the heavy lifting in keeping Hawkins safe. We've seen that for 4 seasons now. It's old and tired. The status quo needs to be broken in a major way that forces changes in Hawkins which will actually stick. The show has hinted in season 4 that it could go in this direction, especially with Vecna destroying the town and opening a large gate, and I'm hoping season 5 makes the most of it.

There are plenty of stories out there that have done this. J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings did this with the Scourging of the Shire where the Hobbits had their lands decimated by Saruman and his men, and were forced to take up arms and become self-reliant in fighting back and no longer remaining isolated from the world around them. Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood also did something similar where the main characters were forced into a reckoning with how the nation of Amestris was formed, as well as the corruption rooted in its government, and make hard but necessary changes that would bring peace to the world and allow for a better future. That is the kind of arc I hope Stranger Things explores with Hawkins in the last season. Not just having the main characters receive credit for defeating Vecna and the Upside Down, but actually having the residents of Hawkins play a role in that and go through a permanent change in the process.

As for Dustin.........if he survives the events of season 5, I hope he gets the opportunity to leave Hawkins and pursue his scientific interests in a way that makes him happy and allows him to keep in contact with his friends and family. He deserves that much.

[willowdied]

" it's just kinda you know... bullshit. " hands fiddle anxiously with her black dress, stephanie lauter fleeing the surprisingly crowded memorial for her father- empty casket, body never found buried, her hand dropping dirt over the casket. she went through the motions as the family of the deceased should. as people came up to her, though, she could not do it. she got in her car and in silence, drove away.

until this year, she had never gone to a funeral. she has now gone to too many. at max's funeral she felt guilt. at richie and ruth's funeral, she felt this deep mourning this wish that she knew them, regret at not knowing them. at solomon lauter's? there's this sort of... pit in her- she grieves what should have been, the loss of a life, and she stirs in guilt because she cannot grieve him like a daughter should her father- each other's one family, and the only family she had known until aunt sandra came in and out every couple of weeks for a night or two to move in a handful of things to enforce that once stephanie graduated, she would have ownership of the large house. how can she grieve more for people she had barely known, for someone who was still alive than she does her own flesh and blood? is that wrong of her?

it's easy enough to open up, the crowd around buzzing and loud, no one else will hear. " everyone is telling you how they feel and what i should feel, like they are allowed to dictate that. and it-it's crowded and- there's all these condolences and pleasantries and handshakes and- " she's probably not making sense. the girl stops, a little laugh like sound leaving her mouth as she shrugs. " i don't know if it's a good thing to get away and runaway from it or if i should you know. stew. drive and let it out. "

[wantonlywindswept]

mando liveblog 3.7 ( ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

i am both mad and disappointed, if ultimately entirely unsurprised

oh good, we get to watch bo-katan get the darksaber again

oh right gideon’s bullshit

still calling that they’re going to take all the storylines into other series and turn the mandalorian into a ‘din and grogu run from gideon’ thing bc that’s what worked for them before

oh god are we on coruscant again? with the imperial bitch? ughhhh not againn

he’s already got his outfit back? lame. you just got busted out of prison, suffer bad clothing choices!

oh no he actually looks MORE vader-y, what a poser

i do hate (which i understand is irrational) that the show has to be beholden to the sequels, bc. well. the sequels sucked.

PROJCET NECROMANCER ASDKLJFSG

oh so if gideon’s interest wasn’t in the clones shenanigans does that mean i can fuck around with him wanting to become the next dr demagolka? Forcibly Assigned Jedi At Experimentation

yeee bitches feel fear at thinking about mandalorians

‘the spies’ oh no

poor nevarro civvies, ‘ah shit not the empire again’

i wanna know how painting that giant mythosaur on the underside of the cruiser worked

ARE WE FINALLY GONNA SEE WHAT THE WHOLE WALKING TWO WAYS BULLSHIT WAS ABOUT? INDOCTRINATION YEA OR NAY

ahh hordes of mandalorians my beloved

din. din get on the side of the covert. din.

‘paz bout to start shit TIME TO USE THE TALKING HAMMER’

oh god the droid we all forgot about. again.

OH NOT A DROID IT’S A FUCKING JAEGER IM FUCKING CRYING ASLDKJADG

OH IT’S FOR GROGU??? IM FUCKIN

oh lord baby with a murder exoskeleton

OH

ONIDSFJAG

LETS THE BABY SPEAK???

runaway baby so happy ‘yessss i can murder now!!’

okay i know this is supposed to be funny but clearly the baby should not have the exoskeletON ARE THEY ROASTING THE BABY BIRDS???

man they just got a home and they’re already needing to leave again?

i’m sorry GROGU AS WELL? what. what. YHOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE NEVARRO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SO THEY COULD KEEP THEIR KIDS SAFE

big spartacus vibes here

oh ho ho, the armorer too?

lmfao everyone chillin and then there’s paz with his ginormous gun, love that for him. also wonder if my hc about him never actually setting foot on mandalore before despite being a vizsla is correct?

did we. at least land somewhere significant? and not just in the middle of nowhere?

ah good on top of a city at least.

oh

oh my heart

‘do you have food’

the first question asked

mandalorians have been here all along??

okay this hurts me but i feel like not for the reason they want it to, bo-katan DID abandon you in the end

are these the spies, this is going to Hurt Me

oh she admitted it

wait did we know about this deal before or is this new info? bo-katan cut a deal with gideon? i have not watched any of the animated series

oh thank christ finally confirmation the tribe is against Death Watch, even if descended from it

hmm does sound like a good reason for joint leadership

I SERVE YOU? WHAT?

what are these vibes my brain suddenly just sidestepped into the Mad Max universe

is the armorer gonna die to traitors

lmfao paz fucking down to fight over fucking checkers im sobbing

really ‘primitives’? i know we’re supposed to be like ‘oh assholes on both sides’ but paz is like 100000 times better than woves

BABY????

the fuck DID he learn from you then, din

oh wait

i know there’s the assumption it was din (and i mean. fuck yeah dinluke. but.)

what if all the stuff about grogu learning things

was from kelleran?

mythosaur?? pls??

no mythosaur :(

PAZ MAKING SURE THE BABY GOT OUT

what is it with mandalorians and giant lizards anyway

MY HEADCANON IS CORRECT, PAZ NEVER LIVED ON MANDALORE GO ME

nope not survivors

bigger vibes that they were led here THEYRE WEARING WHAT. FUCKIONG IMPERIALS IN BESKAR?? FLAMES! ON THE SIDES OF MY FACE!!

vanguard paz my heart

yeah this was totes a trap

OH SHIT DIN SEPARATED FROM THE BABY

wow the worst vader wannabe

...din forced down on his knees doe unf

somebody cut off this dude’s head

I WAS SO RIGHT HES THE NEXT DEMAGOLKLA PUT TOGETHER IT ALL AND YOU GET JEDI MANDO...clones? something. w/e

UH YEAH, YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE BO

ah paz it about to die isn’t he

sigh

oh for fucks sake it wasn’t even a smart death you coulda closed it and then gone through

oh fake jedi bitches

i know this is supposed to be a badass honorable death but i’m too busy being mad about it

[irrcdeemable]

[[You ever just think about the fact after Billy wrecked his car and was attacked that he picked up the phone to call someone but just as quickly hung up the phone? He was going through some rough shit. He was hurt. And yet he refused help. I also think about in the Runaway Max novel he refuses Max's help after she witnessed his beating by Neil for the first time . Even while flayed, the fact he doesn't want help manifests itself when Heather attempts to clean him up with a rag. He grabs her wrist if you notice and lowers it. Billy is used to taking care of himself. He's used to going it alone. How many years did he clean himself up after all the bullshit with Neil? How much stuff did he have to do all on his own? Did anyone take care of him in the younger years when he was sick? Did he always have to fend for himself? Sorry, this is plaguing my mind and now you have to suffer with me]]

[love-too-believe]

So, what I'm saying is, that if I had a quarter for every time someone claimed Billy was racist with no real evidence stating that, I'd be rich.

[crovoroh]

Gosh, so i read Runaway Max, and before i get into my book report this shit aint canon, it says its an official novel but im taking that with a grain of salt cause the cali backstory timeline doesnt match st3. But this book had so many moment where i was like oh man are they gonna go in depth with the child abuse at Billy AND Max by Neil?? And they just side stepped that narration everytime it came up. Also if i took a shot every time the author called Billy dangerous id get alcohol poisoning. I know its told from the point of view of Max but come on, you can be smarter then this. Anyways this is gonna be long and rambly probably

I just cant get over how many times this story touched base on not just telling but showing litteral child abuse and side stepped it each time, i guess the show does that too tho oop for starters fuck Neil, and also fuck Susan. If i was out on a family dinner and some man i knew for a couple months reprimanded my child for not calling him father, hed be the one being sent away from the dinner table not my child and it makes me so mad and sad that there are actually parents out there who are like that. Your gonna send MY daughter to the car for disrespecting you?? Great, im leaving with her. See you never.

Billy left the reasteraunt to talk to Max at the car and just, look. Let them bond over this awful man being awful. This to me read as Billy making an attempt to warn or maybe protect Max and its just left right here in that paragraph. It makes me so sad any possible understanding between the two starts and stops there. I know this is told from Max's point of view but its very obvious the author made up their mind on how one dimensional they think Billy is. Which is wild casue they kept pointing out signs of abuse in him, like prior to this car moment we have Max having this observation

Or this one

My guy is out right dissociating, hyper aware of his surroundings and unpredictable moods is a damn trauma response. From the words of my dear friend "you wrote a beautifully wrecked character, dont throw that thing out and teach everyone to do the same" also this aint canon but max thinks Billy is fun sometimes and that has me so soft.

And then this entire last scene in the book with billy is just, so fucking tone deaf. "he was damaged. Broken, maybe" yall i thought we were going somewhere with that but nope, im the fool for believing an abused traumatized character would get properly acknowledged but it was a big "hes just like his dad so he'll never be good and also hes worse then his dad, hes crazy" and im foaming at the mouth.

This author is such a billy anti, i think st4 took notes from her for how to represent Billy. I know its all told from Max, a 12 year old whos just sharing her feelings and observations but so much of this was just. Hhhhhh exhausting.

It wouldve been so easy to have Billy zone out and dissociate with the burning cat instead of forcing him to laugh and act insane (also if you think lighting a dead animal on fire is the making of a sociopath have you never been outside as a kid and found something dead and just, fucked with it. Its dead, i think lighting a dead animal on fire is probably the most tame tampering you could do. Not to call myself out but when i was maybe 8 i found a dead toad and i wanted to know what its skeleton looked like and how it decomposed so i took it apart. Kids are bizarre and teen boys are kinda destructive.

The whole scene with billy coming home halloween night and getting beat was upsetting and how it was never mentioned again was infuriating. Him getting attacked by Neil, punched several time getting a black eye and bloodied lip then beaten with a fucking belt. How do you just willingly write that shit then turn around and go "oh yeah nah this 17 year old who ive just said was verbally and physically abused multiple times is a dangerous monster who doesnt deserve sympathy". Im over it, if aang can put aside a century long fued to help his abused enemy who in turn still chased him off but was redeemed in the end then Billy and Max have the stepping stones to do the same, have max put an ice pack down, let billy Sort himself out, its so easily im going insane

And that bullyshit narrative of saying Neil is racist and how Billy probably is too. fuck that, i cant speak for the racism but when i made my first trans friend i was nervous about having them at the house cause i wasnt sure how my family would react or treat my friend so i opted to keep her away too, my situation was more tame then Max, Billy and Lucas' and my family turned out to not be transphobic so it was fine but im gonna self project that Billy was just manic and worried about Max hanging with a black kid and what Neil would do to lucas and max if he saw them. Seeing as how the man got away with denying Max dinner right infront of Susan who did nothing. But also max says how shes not like her parents so its just unfair to turn around and go neil is awful so billy is also awful and wont ever get better

This book isnt canon but i want a similar book from Billy's point of view. But also all things considered i did like the insight into Max's possibly past in cali, her relationship with her dad and mom was pretty neat, even tho, say it with me, its not canon, i refuse, I'll believe in bigfoot before believing this book was proof read by anyone working on the actual show 🥴 i have more to say but its 2 in the morning and i think my eyes are leaking outa my skull, hope this incoherent lmaoo

[ickypuppi3]

not being funny but if billy’s that bad then you shouldn’t have to lie to be able to make your point

[meowmeowbilly]

Just saw a post mentioning that El broke Troy's arm and I kinda forgot about that but seeing it made me remember that Billy supposedly broke one of Max's friend's arms (source: Runaway Max; and that's why they left California... sounds like bullshit to me but) another El and Billy parallel?? Oh my god??

[two-sides-samecoin]

Tw: do not read of mentioning about animal abuse in media if triggering or upsetting to you.

Billy Stans who just ignore and excuse the whole thing with him and the cat in ‘runaway max’ fucking disgust me. Cuz honestly that just shows me that you’re perfectly fine with animal abuse if the person is being abused. So fuck off fuck off. With this bullshit of ‘well you have to look at the whole thing and see how he’s being abused’. No I do fucking not. If he abuses animals and I as an animal lover feel fucking terrified then no I do not give a shit. Nothing excuses abusing an animal even if it’s fictional people. Honest to god I’m just ticking terrified and sad about these people. It isn’t even real life and yet I still have a fucking reflex to just be soo fucking horrified.

[thegayhimbo]

Stranger Things Rebel Robin (Book and Podcast) Review (Part 1 of 2)

WARNING: The following review contains MAJOR SPOILERS from the book and podcast!

If you haven’t yet, be sure to check out my other Stranger Things Reviews. Like, Reblog, and let me know what your thoughts are regarding the show or the upcoming season! :)

Stranger Things Comics/Graphic Novels:

Stranger Things Six

Stranger Things Halloween Special

Stranger Things The Other Side

Stranger Things Zombie Boys

Stranger Things The Bully

Stranger Things Winter Special

Stranger Things Tomb of Ybwen

Stranger Things Into The Fire

Stranger Things Science Camp

Stranger Things “The Game Master” and “Erica’s Quest”

Stranger Things and Dungeons and Dragons

Stranger Things Kamchatka

Stranger Things Erica The Great

Stranger Things “Creature Feature” and “Summer Special”

Stranger Things Tie-In Books:

Stranger Things Suspicious Minds

Stranger Things Runaway Max (Part 1 of 3)

Stranger Things Runaway Max (Part 2 of 3)

Stranger Things Runaway Max (Part 3 of 3)

Stranger Things Darkness On The Edge Of Town (Part 1 of 3)

Stranger Things Darkness On The Edge Of Town (Part 2 of 3)

Stranger Things Darkness On The Edge Of Town (Part 3 of 3)

NOTE: If you would like to listen to "Surviving Hawkins," the companion podcast to Rebel Robin, you can find all 6 episodes here.

Synopsis: As Robin struggles to survive her sophomore year of High School, she becomes desperate to break free from the viciousness of high school conformity and her depressing living situation in Hawkins. To this end, she forms an escape plan to travel to Europe (which she calls "Operation Croissant") and becomes determined to get both the money for her trip and a companion to travel with her. However, as she attempts to accomplish these goals, she begins to discover things about herself, and the people around her, that leaves her woefully unprepared for how to deal with her situation............

Observations:

I've talked before in previous reviews about which comics and tie-in novels I've enjoyed, and which I haven't. However, the one that really connected with me on a personal level was Rebel Robin. Both the book and the podcast. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since this is a coming-of-age story about someone finding their own identity in a world that values forced conformity over individualism, and is also about coming to terms with one's own sexual orientation while growing up in a town that's deeply homophobic.

I should know: I lived Robin's story in my own way.

Those of you who follow my blog know I identify as gay (my username is literally titled TheGayHimbo), but I've never really gone into my own experiences about living in denial for years regarding my attraction to men (which might have actually saved my life in high school), how I dealt with homophobia and bullying (even as an adult) and how I tried playing the same game Robin initially does of trying to "fit in" to survive before growing disillusioned and staging my own rebellion when it became clear there would always be people out there who would never accept me as I am.

This book, and the podcast, hit a lot of personal nerves. That's not a bad thing because both were not only excellent, but also managed to perfectly capture what it's like growing up as an LGBT+ teen and constantly putting up with bullshit on top of that. It also does a great job encapsulating that feeling of desiring to escape the place you've been raised in for most of your life, and wanting to explore the world. I had the same dream Robin had as a teenager of leaving the United States and traveling to Europe. Unfortunately, it's only been in the last 2 years that I've finally made that dream a reality. Maybe it's for the better though since I'm a lot more wiser about the world than I was at the age of 17.

But I'm getting ahead of myself: Let's talk about the book and the podcast.

Part 1: Robin's Journey

Do you remember Mrs. Click's history class? Mrs. Clickity-Clackity? That's what us band dweebs called her. It's was first period, Tuesdays and Thursdays, so you were always late. And you always had the same breakfast: Bacon, egg, and cheese on a sesame bagel. I sat behind you. Two days a week for a year. Mister Funny. Mister Cool. The King of Hawkins High himself. Do you even remember me from that class? Of course you don't. You were a real asshole, you know that?.......... But it didn't even matter. It didn't matter that you were an ass. I was still.....obsessed with you. Even though all of us losers pretend to be above it all, we still want to be popular, accepted.......normal.

Do you remember what I said about Click's class? About me being jealous, and like, obsessed? It isn't because I had a crush on you. It's because............she wouldn't stop staring at you. Tammy Thompson. I wanted her to look at me.

Both of these conversations Robin has with Steve in season 3 are what make up a good chunk of the plot of Rebel Robin: Her infatuation with Tammy Thompson. Her dislike of Steve (a lot of it rooted in preconceived notions about him). Figuring things out about herself and how she relates to Hawkins and the world around her.

The way the book is written reminds me of the type of John Hughes movies that came out in the 80s: Sixteen Candles (which is one of the films that plays at the theater Robin initially works at), The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, etc. All of these were stories focused on teenage identity, questioning high school stereotypes, rebelling against conformity and authority, and characters coming to terms with hard truths about themselves. The big difference here is that the book looks at these themes through a queer perspective, as well as the self-esteem issues that come with growing up in a homophobic environment.

For most of the book, Robin doesn't really put together that she likes girls. She's constantly infatuated with Tammy Thompson, but she tries framing it in her head as being interested in Tammy only because she's a nice person who's passionate and has a lovely voice. Robin also can't understand why Tammy would be interested in Steve when he barely has any interest in her.

When it finally does hit her that she's attracted to Tammy, she's completely caught off-guard by the epiphany since she's always pegged herself as a logically-thinking person:

This isn't something rooted in logic though, but emotion. I would even argue Robin's initial ignorance about her sexuality was a defense mechanism. Her whole conflict in the book is about trying to survive Hawkins High and blend in so that no one notices her. In the podcast, when she's talking with Mr. Hauser (who's one of the only people at that point who knows Robin's secret and figured it out before she did), she tells him that she deliberately makes herself average and uninteresting because it's the best camouflage. Those who try to be different don't last long, and get eaten up by the metaphorical monster that is "forced conformity" in Hawkins. Robin has seen that with Sheena Rollins, the girl everyone bullies because she's odd (which is sadly similar to the bullying El is subjected to in season 4 by Angela and the students of Lenora High School). Even though there are moments Robin considers stepping in on Sheena's behalf, she's either held back by her so-called friends, or she becomes worried that her intervening is just going to make things worse for Sheena (which, again, is similar to what happens when a teacher intervenes on El's behalf in season 4, and Angela later punishes El for it by publicly humiliating her at Rink-O-Mania).

Side Note: Whenever I see fans make stupid excuses for bullies like Angela by claiming they're children who aren't responsible for their behavior, and it was the lack of adults that's to blame, I wonder if those morons ever factor in how certain adults (like Miss Garvey here) enable people like Angela and other kids to become vicious brats BECAUSE they refuse to step in. When Robin is forced to take the bus later after her parents freak out over Will and Barb's disappearance, there are several instances (in both the book and podcast) where Robin is catcalled and harassed by other guys, and yet the bus driver refuses to do anything about it because they don't care to. "It was the lack of adults" my ass. 🙄

For me, growing up as a gay man who was also in denial about his sexuality for years (similar to Robin), I never had to deal with bullying when I was in high school. I was raised in a Conservative/Republican suburban neighborhood, and in a church that had an anti-homosexual stance, but I never got subjected to the vicious cruelty that Mike, Will, Lucas, Dustin, El, and Sheena were put through. For the most part, our high school cracked down hard on bullying, and I was never made to feel unsafe when I went there. I was even an AP student and never received grief for it, which is why I find it depressing when Robin tries justifying to Mr. Hauser in the podcast that she won't do AP classes because she wants to go unnoticed. She's lowering herself for people who don't care about her. I know I grew up in a different time period from Robin, and haven't had the same exact experiences she's had, but I have been in her position before of shrinking myself for others, and it is painful.

The irony is it wasn't until later in my life, when I finally accepted myself as homosexual and was moving through college and adulthood, that the homophobia and bullying I got subjected to started.

There are plenty of examples I could give, but one particularly disgusting instance I remember came from a Reddit user who intentionally went out of her way to target me on multiple occasions because I was gay (and because she saw me as an SJW) and did everything in her power at the time to diminish me, make me feel bad about my sexuality, and repeatedly tried to gaslight me into thinking there was something wrong with me. Unfortunately, she is still active online to this day, and continues the same cycle of bullying, belittling others, mocking people for caring about social issues, and then hypocritically positioning herself against bullying. Despite being reported multiple times for her behavior (which continues to be as bigoted and nasty as ever), the Sitewide Administration for Reddit has refused to do a damn thing about it (which I guess shouldn't be surprising since they've also kept up the accounts of users who've literally told others to kill themselves). This happened years ago when I was still new to the internet (having been sheltered from online discourse prior to attending college) and didn't have the skills set and knowledge at the time to deal with condescending assholes like her. I have avoided this user since, and I want nothing to do with her (or Reddit for that matter), but it's experiences like this which have hardened me and made me cynical about people and life in general.

On an unrelated note, it's why I have no sympathy for Angela when El finally has enough of her bullying and smashes her face in with a roller-skate. I don't usually condone violence, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get some dark satisfaction in seeing this moment:

Cry me a river of blood and tears, sweetheart. You deserve it.

Getting back to the review, having read this book and listened to the podcast, I related stronglym with Robin during this. I also grew to appreciate Mr. Hauser. He's the one who encouraged Robin to be herself and not let the small-mindedness of other people keep her down. He's the one who supported her plan to travel to Europe (Operation Croissant) and encouraged Robin to find a companion to go with her because he understood that happiness and memories are better shared with others. There's a very powerful scene in the podcast when Robin is at a low point, having come to believe there's something wrong with her, and Mr. Hauser firmly reassures her that she isn't broken and that she doesn't need to change herself for others.

Hearing that, especially as someone who deals with anxiety and depression on a daily basis, nearly moved me to tears.

I wish there were others out there who had a Mr. Hauser in their lives. I met mine on Tumblr years ago, and I'm grateful to know her. If she's reading this, she knows who she is. :)

I should mention at this point that the companion podcast for the book only covers a specific part of the novel (i.e. Chapters 15-29) and they mostly focus on the conversations between Robin and Mr. Hauser that aren't in the book. They're deep conversations about what it's like living in Hawkins, how the books they're reading relate to their current situations, discussions about other characters like Steve, Barb, and Will, having to work in a rigid system that focuses on molding people into becoming productive members of society, and so on. All of it is wrapped in a mystery surrounding Mr. Hauser that Robin begins to piece together.

I read the book first before I listened to the podcast, so I already had the twist regarding Mr. Hauser spoiled, which made the build-up to the mystery feel redundant. I'm sure the podcast is meant to be listened to at the same time you're reading the book, but I don't think it truly matters which order you go in. Even if you haven't read the book or listened to the podcast, it is EXTREMELY EASY to figure out what Mr. Hauser's secret is. If you've been paying attention to what I've been talking about in this review, you've likely figured it out for yourselves.

In any case, it makes what happens to Mr. Hauser later all the more heartbreaking.

It's also the reason why Robin finally has enough when her plans get derailed, and she finally goes full Rebel Robin: She's sick of trying to survive. She's sick of confining herself to a box for people who either don't care for her, want to use her for their own self-serving purposes (i.e. her former friend Dash), or will criticize her no matter what she does. She also realizes that, for all of her scheming on Operation Croissant, it wasn't going to fix her problems:

I can relate. Recently, I got back from a trip to Italy and Greece. While I had a fun time (and brought back some nice souvenirs and pictures), the issues I've had for years didn't magically go away either. Running away doesn't fix your problems, and sometimes you have to face hard truths if you want to move on. I'm still getting there, and I'm glad Robin was able to get there as well.

The climax of this book comes off as a combination of 10 Things I Hate About You, National Lampoon's Animal House, and Mean Girls: It takes place at a school dance, there's a lot of wacky shenanigans that involve damaged property, a sleazebag who's been the antagonist for most of the story rightfully gets humiliated, and there's some kind of reconciliation. Robin doesn't exactly get what she wants (and her behavior is what causes her to end up working alongside Steve Harrington at Scoop's Ahoy), but she does get catharsis and a special moment where she can be herself with someone who also understands her. After spending most of the book wishing for that, it's at least something for her to hold onto.

Part 2: Robin's Relationship With Other Characters

We get to meet Robin's parents in this novel, who are both hippies from the counterculture movement of the 60s. Robin notes that both of them have traveled around most of their lives (which is one of the reasons she's inspired to create Operation Croissant and travel to Europe), they both have other hippie friends who've been on their own exciting adventures, they are relaxed in their parenting of Robin (to the point Robin admits to feeling like the adult in the family), and they taught Robin to question authority and not trust the government (which comes into play for her during her later adventure with Steve, Erica, and Dustin). However, when Will and Barb disappear, they end up becoming a lot more strict with Robin, confiscating her bike and forcing her to take the bus for her own safety.

While Robin is unhappy, it's understandable why they act like this, and it was absolutely the right call considering what was going on at the time. There's even a scene where Robin has a near encounter with the Demogorgon on the night Will disappears, and only barely avoids the monster:

On top of that, when her parents accidentally discover Robin's plans to run away to Europe, they're rightfully upset about it. They make a bunch of incorrect assumptions, but at the same time, this situation was avoidable if Robin had sat down with her parents beforehand and trusted them with what she was planning. I know Robin tries to justify to herself why she didn't, but even though I wanted Robin to explore Europe, I also understand why her parents reacted the way they did. Robin did not think all aspects of her plan through. If I had pulled what she almost did where I ran away during high school and only called my parents once I reached Paris, I know EXACTLY how that would have gone: Not well.

This book also reveals that Robin used to be friends with Barbara Holland back in grade school, only for them to drift apart later. There were certain factors, from Barb hanging out with Nancy more, to Barb becoming more of an overachiever in academics whereas Robin did not, but it wasn't anything bad that ended their friendship. When Barb disappears, Robin constantly projects this idea that Barb managed to get away from Hawkins and isn't truly missing (which is something Mr. Hauser calls Robin out on in the podcast). It gets pretty uncomfortable to read about, especially when the audience already knows what actually happened to her:

Barb acts as the ghost that's still in the room for many characters. Robin speculates on where she went, Nancy is later found sobbing her eyes out in the theater bathroom by Robin, and there's even a scene at the end of the book where Robin sees Nancy and Steve looking alone and scared. Even though Barb isn't mentioned by name, her presence is there:

I know that when it comes to the show, Barb's death had the biggest impact on Nancy, and it's usually Nancy's grief/guilt that gets the most focus, but I wish we'd gotten to see Robin's reaction to learning about Barb's death. It could have even been a bonding moment between Robin and Nancy when they were working together in season 4. Maybe it'll be talked about in season 5, but I'm not holding my breath.

Robin's former friends (Dash, Kate, and Milton) were a mixed bag. Milton was probably the one I like the best, but I wasn't impressed at him distancing himself from Robin later on because he was looking to date Wendy and didn't want people to spread gossip about him dating Robin. Kate was frustrating, and the way she kept trying to push Robin to date other boys (despite Robin insisting she wasn't interested) didn't impress me. Nor was I impressed with her dating Dash. To her credit, she does wise up and apologize to Robin later on, but I do find it telling that her relationship with Robin deteriorated and that Robin refers to both her and Milton as ex-friends by the end.

Dash is straight-up awful. I will talk more about him in the second post for this review, but his character struck a nerve. For all of his posturing about being an intellectual nerd, he's a sleazy womanizer (similar to Billy Hargrove) and a serial cheater. I loathe him the same way I hate Billy, Angela, and Dr Brenner.

Something I appreciated with this book is how it goes out of its way to invert the social dynamic with certain characters. I've seen criticisms before about how the popular kids on Stranger Things are always portrayed as monstrous, and the nerds/outcasts as the heroes, which isn't completely true. Chrissy Cunningham for instance was one of the most popular girls at Hawkins High, and yet was shown to be a sweet (if troubled) person. Steve, despite some initial hiccups, also demonstrated himself to be a good guy, willing to own up to his behavior and put his life on the line for others. By contrast, Henry/One/Vecna portrayed himself to El as being a social outcast growing up, and yet is not only a straight-up sociopath with no empathy for remorse for his actions, but ultimately the Big Bad of the series.

In Rebel Robin, Tammy Thompson is popular in school and has a circle of popular friends, but she's also a kind individual. She's repeatedly nice to Robin, and goes out of her way to talk to Sheena at one point to help her after she gets bullied again. By contrast, Dash labels himself as a band geek/nerd, and yet reveals himself as one of the most condescending, unkind individuals in the series. It's a major reason Robin washes her hands of him, and wants nothing to do with Dash when he shows his true colors. All of this adds a little complexity to the series beyond Popular = Bad and Nerd/Outcast = Good.

And then there's Steve himself: Even though Robin thinks about him in a negative light for most of the novel, I can only recall one or two instances where they briefly interact before the Epilogue (which is when Robin starts working for Scoops Ahoy).

I've seen fans repeatedly debate whether Steve was a bully to others pre-season 1, and the answer this book gives is a firm NO. Steve's shown to be self-absorbed and insensitive at times, but not vicious to others the same way bullies like Troy, Billy, and Angela were. He wasn't malicious, and he didn't go out of his way to torment others for his amusement. At one point, in the podcast, Mr. Hauser point-blank asks Robin if Steve's bullied her, and she denies it. Part of Robin's feelings against Steve are her projecting her issues on to him, part of it is making assumptions about him without the whole context (like when she thinks Steve made Nancy cry at the movie theater when Nancy was actually crying over Barb's death), and part of her dislike occasionally has some merit (like when Steve runs into Robin in the hallway during the podcast and acts like a douche).

All of this makes Steve and Robin bonding with one another in season 3 feels more meaningful. She gets to see a different side to Steve after constantly assuming that people don't change, and he comes to value her as a friend. She shared her secret with him (albeit under the influence of the Russian truth serum), and not only did he accept her for who she was and kept her secret, but also encouraged her to start dating Vickie in season 4. He's the friend she deserves to have.

Assuming that both Robin and Steve survive season 5, I'd love to see Robin fulfill her dream of traveling to Europe, and that she takes Steve with her. He's the true companion to have while they visit museums, cafes, the countryside, and eat plenty of croissants. 🥐

Overall, I strongly recommend both the book and podcast. Both are entertaining and quick to get through, both enhance the show and Robin's character while adding new details, and both are great examples of LGBT+ representation.

To be continued in Part 2..........

[hardestgrove]

runaway max talks about how neil is a luthern and i'm really on my bullshit rn thinking about a billy who got fucking stuck w/ a jesus dad and how being around jesus types is 50% of why he's a psychopath now bc these motherfuckers and look you dead in the eye, stab you in the gut and smile at you like it's a bake sale.

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

Seven times someone spoke to a Marauder alone in a portrait and one person who spoke to them all together

In a world where all the Marauders died in the first war, their souls are preserved in portraits in Hogwarts. Their stories are legend if a bit tweaked, and their names are famous if a bit forgettable. But they were painted individually, and housed all over the castle, separated for all eternity from each other.

(Also, there are seven Marauders because Lily, Severus, and Regulus. Fight me.)

(FOR CONTEXT: Regulus married a Muggle named Amir and had a daughter with him named Hailee. Regulus and Sirius never fell out and Regulus calls Remus “Mum” because reasons. Sirius and Remus married and died without children and James and Lily had Harry with their partner, Severus. Peter had a nonbinary partner named Max, but they died in the war.)

ONE: Regulus Black (Room of Requirement) & Draco Malfoy [Second Year - Youth (Daughter)]

Draco is coming back from Quidditch practice after calling Hermione a Mudblood. He’s walking alone down a hallway empty of doors when one suddenly materializes in front of him. He walks inside, too curious not to, and finds a room with two chairs in front of a crackling fire.

Over the fire hangs a portrait of a young man with pale skin, ebony hair, and striking grey eyes. Draco sits down in one of the chairs and picks up the cup of hot cocoa from the coffee table, looking up at the portrait, which has now started moving.

“Who are you?” He asks, and the portrait shoots him a grim look.

“My name is Regulus Black. Do you know who I am?”

Draco shakes his head. Regulus hums, tugging at something around his wrist.

“I’m a Death Eater who defied Voldemort,” he says, pulling his sleeves up to reveal a blank wrist. “They didn’t paint me with that wretched Mark, thank Merlin.”

Draco puts his cocoa down, nervous, and finds his eyes darting around the room for a door.

“How do I get out of here?” He asks with all the politeness he can muster, and Regulus offers him a wry smile.

“Right through that door,” he says gently, pointing to the door now etching itself out of the wall. “But please remember, Draco - you make your own choices in life. You decide who you are. Not a House, not a name, not a Mark. You. Do not forget that like I did.”

Draco nods, backing towards the door.

“But you defected,” he says, feeling small. Regulus smiles sadly, his eyes cutting.

“Yes, I did. And I paid for it with my life. And the life of my partner, and my daughter, and my brother and my mum and my best friends. I paid, Draco. I’m still paying.”

Draco has his hand on the door knob. “Huh,” he says, and opens the door when Regulus adds, “Oh, and Draco, dear? Don’t call people Mudbloods. There’s no such thing. And it’s rude.”

Draco nods frantically and closes the door so hard he lands flat on his ass in the hallway, watching the door seal itself and fade back into stone.

TWO: James Potter (Gryffindor Quidditch “Hall” of Fame, Gryffindor Common Room) & Seamus Finnigan [Fourth Year - Never Not (Lauv)]

Seamus finds himself alone in the Gryffindor common room one Wednesday morning, pretending to be sick with a cold. He’s wrapped in a blanket and staring into the empty fireplace when he hears, “YO! KID!”

Startled, he falls off the couch, and stumbles up and over to the Quidditch trophy case in the corner. There, in a small frame, is the smiling face of a boy who looks just like Harry, except without the mark, with dark eyes, and happier. Seamus reads the plaque, James Potter, and smiles sadly, wondering if Harry has ever talked to this portrait before.

James, meanwhile, barrels forward, “You’re the one in love with that lanky black kid, right?” Seamus’ eyes snap up as he sputters, but James just grins. “Cool. I thought so. Can I give you some advice…?”

“Seamus.”

“Can I give you some advice, Seamus?”

Seamus, now bright red, says, “Um, sure?”

James’ eyes twinkle and he says, “Tell him.”

Seamus starts coughing, beating his chest as James laughs and he protests, “No! No, I can’t just tell my best friend I’m in love with him!”

James shrugs. “You can,” he says. “You wanna know a secret?” He leans in just a bit. “My best friends fell in love.”

Seamus startles. “What?” He breathes, and James grins.

“Yeah. Sirius Potter and Remus Lupin. Wasted six bloody years apart before finally giving in and admitting it. They’re the most in love people I’ve ever met.” His brow wrinkles. “Well, except Sev and Lily and me.” It wrinkles further. “Nah, I gotta give ‘em this one.”

Seamus gapes in shock for a moment before blurting, “That werewolf and the Black runaway were in love?! And you - fuck, you were with Severus Snape???” James stares at him for a moment before blinking and then bursting into laughter.

When he finally calms down, he looks back up at Seamus’ flushed face and says, “Sirius is a Potter and a Lupin, not a Black. And he and Remy loved each other more than anything. And yeah, Sev and Lily and I had some real fun times.” He tilts his head in consideration and says, “Actually, now that I think about it, some of those happened right on that couch over there. It’s weird they haven’t gotten a new one, huh?”

Seamus sputters for a third and final time and skitters away with a tomato-red face as James shouts after him, “TELL HIM, KID! SHOVE HIM AGAINST A WALL AND SNOG HIM SENSELESS!”

(Seamus, later, to Harry: “Your dad is fucking wack, bro.”)

THREE: Lily Evans (Library, Restricted Section) & Cedric Diggory [Fourth Year - Someone To You (BANNERS), Good Old Days (Kesha, Macklemore)]

Cedric sneaks into the Restricted Section to hide from all the pressure of the tournament. One night he’s thumbing through the books in his boredom when he finds an unframed portrait of a smiling redhead. As soon as he lifts her out of the book, titled The Marauders: A Complete History of Unfiltered Pranks (by Minerva Mcgonogall for Minerva Mcgonogall, signed by Regulus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Severus Snape, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Lupin (Love you Minnie!), and Lily Evans), the portrait pipes up, “Hi! I’m Lily!”

Cedric nearly drops the book in shock, but manages to catch it at the last second, mustering up a smile for the grinning portrait and introducing himself. She beams and glances at the book in his hand, her smile turning mischievous. “That’s a good one. We did get up to a lot, didn’t we?”

Speechless, he nods, not really processing that she’s just admitted to being Lily Evans, and her eyes dull with sadness at the sight of one of the injuries on his collarbone from the most recent challenge.

“Where’d you get that?” She asks, and he explains the tournament. She hums, and finally murmurs, “I heard them say my son is in that. Is that true?”

Mouth dry, Cedric nods, and Lily looks up at him again with glassy eyes and rasps, “Can you tell him I love him? That I’m proud of him and so are his fathers? Can you tell him that for me?”

Cedric nods again, hearing a creak and turning his head towards the noise when Lily whispers, “Go. Go, Cedric, before you get caught. Be brave, honey.” Cedric shoves the portrait back into the book and the book back onto the shelf with a muttered goodbye before sprinting away, Lily’s words echoing in his ears like a dying child’s scream.

FOUR: Sirius Black (Mcgonogall’s Office) & Ginny Weasley [Fifth Year - Alone (Bazzi)]

Ginny is sitting in Mcgonogall’s office, waiting for her professor to come and scold her for punching Zabini (he touched Luna’s ass, what was she supposed to do? Ask him to kindly stick his nose up where the sun don’t shine? She’d still be here, and he’d still be snickering like the slimy motherfucker he is in that dungeon cell he calls his bedroom). She hears a cough from somewhere on Mcgonogall’s desk and straightens up, ducking her head to peek around when she hears, “Pssst. Over here.”

She looks over and sees a framed picture of Sirius Black, grinning as if he’d never died. She swallows down her tears and nods her head in a polite hello. Sirius’ smile saddens as he says, “I hear you’re dating my godson.”

Ginny blushes, but nods, and for a moment, Sirius looks like he’s about to cry. “Why are you here, Ginny?” He asks softly, and she shrugs.

“Punched a Slytherin who touched my friend’s ass.”

Sirius grins at that, nodding his head in respect. “Good girl. You ever think about why that is?”

Ginny’s brow furrows and she opens her mouth to ask what he means when she sees his eyes wandering to a sketch of a wolf howling at the moon on Mcgonogall’s far wall, with the note For you, Minnie. Moony didn’t want it. Love, Sirius.

“I fell in love with a boy once,” Sirius murmurs. “My best friend. Remus Lupin. And he loved me back.”

I know, Ginny wants to say. You two were married and gave baby Harry joint Christmas presents and danced in the kitchen when you thought no one else was still awake. I’ve heard the stories, I’ve seen the pictures. I know. But instead she stays quiet, listening as Sirius tells his story.

“But instead of admitting that, I dated Marlene McKinnon for three years. Sold my gay ass out to a lesbian whore because I was too afraid to tell him how I felt about him.” Ginny has a lot of questions about the “lesbian whore” part - “I mean, she was a friend of mine, but I never wanted to kiss her, or sleep with her, but I did anyway. And he looked so fucking sad all the time. But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t wanna ruin my happiness. I didn’t know how to tell him that he was my happiness. By the time I figured it out, it was too late.”

Ginny swallows, finally speaking up, “Why are you telling me this?” Sirius finally tears his eyes away from the picture of the wolf and the moon and gives her a bitter smile.

“Because I’m dead and my husband and I spent a mere three years together in all of the ten we knew each other. What kind of bullshit is that?”

Ginny shrugs. “Some bullshit,” she answers, and laughs uncomfortably.

Sirius laughs too, then sighs. He looks deep into her eyes and says, “I love my godson. You make sure he knows that. But I also love my husband. And I spent too damn long running from that. So let me save you a bit of trouble, Ginny - the greatest love is often the scariest.”

Ginny purses her lips. “What are you saying?” She says slowly, and Sirius smiles sadly as Mcgonogall’s heels come clicking down the hall.

“I’m saying maybe you shouldn’t waste your time on Harry when both your and his hearts lie elsewhere.”

Ginny blushes, looking down at the homemade bracelet Luna made her three summers ago, and at the sound of the door opening, she looks back up at a frozen Sirius, whose eyes are caught on Mcgonogall, somehow still twinkling.

FIVE: Peter Pettigrew (Outside Gryffindor Dorms) & Ron Weasley [Fifth Year - lovely (Billie Eilish, Khalid)]

Ron is sulking on the stairs outside the Gryffindor common room after a particularly bad Quidditch loss. He wishes he were with Hermione and Harry, but they were already tangled together when he came upstairs and he didn’t want to intrude, even though they invited him to.

He knows they’re all best friends, he just feels so much like the third wheel sometimes. So he’s sulking when he hears a soft, “Hey.”

He looks up in surprise and sees a portrait of Peter Pettigrew, and he immediately steels his eyes, backing away. Seeing this, Peter shouts, “Wait, no! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I know! I just - I didn’t actually betray them, you know? Okay, well, I did, but - but I fixed it! They forgave me! I promise I’m not evil, I’m not, Ron -”

“How do you know my name?” Ron blurts, and Peter jumps back in his frame, startled, then smiles softly.

“They say it,” he answers. “Harry, and that girl you’re always with. They say your name all the time.”

Ron blushes. “Oh,” he says, ducking his head with a smile. When he looks back up into Peter’s sad eyes, he says, “We lost today. Quidditch.”

Peter cocks his head. “To who?”

Ron shrugs, looking down at his lap and fidgeting with his fingers over his knees. “Slytherin. Never lost against Slytherin before.”

Peter shrugs. “James and Sirius did. All the time.”

Ron looks up. “Really?” Peter smiles softly.

“Yeah. Mostly because they wanted Severus and Regulus to feel good, but. Yeah, they lost to Slytherin all the damn time.”

Ron’s smile fades. “Severus? Like, Snape? The Death Eater?”

Peter winces, then shrugs. “The Order spy. But, yeah.”

Ron blinks in shock. “They were friends? Even after Lily?”

Peter’s brow furrows in confusion, but he answers anyway, “Yes? They were dating. Them and Lily. Sent the whole school up in flames.”

Ron’s jaw drops open. “You can do that?”

Peter shrugs. “Yeah, ‘course you can. You can date Harry and that girl if you want. No one’s stopping you.”

Ron flushes, looking down in shame.

“They don’t want me,” he mumbles. “Not the way they want each other.”

Peter hums. “Severus said that too. So did James. They were both idiots.” Looking up at Ron’s glistening eyes and pouting lips, he smiles.

“Just because you’re not the smartest or the strongest or the funniest or the best at anything in particular doesn’t mean you’re not important, or that people don’t care about you.”

Ron nods, slowly. He stands and heads back inside without another word, pretending he doesn’t hear Peter sigh and say, “You’re welcome,” bitterly as he mumbles the password to the Fat Lady and slips back through the crack in the door.

SIX: Severus Snape (Headmaster’s Office) & Hermione Granger [Sixth Year - Ophelia (The Lumineers), O Children (Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds)]

Hermione is visiting Dumbledore’s office for her Prefect badge and an overview of the position while Ron and Harry are brooding in their room. The three of them have become far closer than normal lately, and she’s almost glad to be away for a moment, as they’ve always been more honest with each other when she isn’t around. She can’t decide if that bothers her or not.

She’s waiting for Dumbledore to get there when she hears, “Miss Granger, correct?” in a slow, molasses drawl.

She looks up at the portrait labelled Severus Snape and answers the boy in the Slytherin tie, “Yes. Hello, Mr. Snape.”

Severus grins slowly, a cat-like expression of amusement and carefully calculated arrogance. “Smart one, aren’t you?” He asks, and she nods. He clicks his tongue. “Should’ve been in Ravenclaw.”

She flushes and opens her mouth to retort when the Sorting Hat starts shouting about insecure fuckwads who don’t know their place and Severus starts screaming back about it not doing its fucking job right until finally Hermione screams, “STOP!”

The hat grumbles off to sleep again while she stares a shocked Severus down, her shaking hands curled in fists as she says, “Please don’t shout at it. It’s tired.”

Severus raises an eyebrow, but huffs and turns away. She sees his blank arm as he turns his back to her and feels her heart break open with pity.

“You’re Harry’s father, right?” She asks softly, and his head whips towards her in shock. She offers a sad smile and explains, “Lily and James. There are no records, of course, but…”

“You’re Mcgonogall’s favorite,” Severus finishes, smiling wryly. “Yes. I am one of Harry’s fathers.”

Hermione nods, looking down at her books, and swallows before looking back up again to say, “He really loves you.”

Severus rears back in shock, his eyes searching her for lies as she tears up. “He really does. You may not know it, and he doesn’t speak of it, but - but I can tell. He misses you.”

Severus’ eyes turn dull and glassy and he turns away, hiding his face with his long shaggy hair. Hermione swallows down her tears, smiling again. “Yes, well -”

“I love him too,” Severus interrupts, voice soft. “I miss him too. We all do. Tell… tell him that, would you?”

Hermione blinks, then nods.

“Of course,” she says, ducking her head as the staircase starts to rumble. “I’ll take good care of him, sir.”

Severus smiles that sad wry smile again and stills just as Dumbledore steps through the door, but Hermione hears his silence echo in her ears.

Thank you.

SEVEN: Remus Lupin (Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom) & Luna Lovegood [Seventh Year - Dynasty (MIIA), Towards The Sun (Rihanna)]

As the war comes closer and closer to Hogwarts, the students there grow more and more anxious. Luna herself takes refuge in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, where only Harry and Ginny know to find her. But with Harry on the run with Ron and Hermione and Ginny trying to hold down the fort with Seamus and Dean, Luna often finds herself alone.

One day she decides to make her way up onto the balcony over the classroom that leads to the office, and she reaches for the knob on the office door when she hears, “Don’t go in there, Miss Lovegood.”

She looks over at the portrait who’s spoken, dubbed Remus Lupin, and smiles. He smiles kindly back and asks, “What are you even looking for?”

Luna shrugs. “Some way to help, I guess.”

Remus smiles wryly and nods, glancing down at the wedding ring adorning his finger. His smile softens for a moment before he says, “Sometimes, Miss Lovegood, the best way to win a war is by treating others with kindness.”

Luna tilts her head to the side. “Like, with hugs and smiles?” She asks, and Remus smiles, biting his lip and nodding. His eyes are glassy, but she pretends not to notice.

“Yes, my dear, with hugs and smiles. Support each other. Take no conversation for granted. Merlin knows the only thing that comforted me in the first war was the constant reminders that I still had my family. That they were fighting with me, and that I was fighting for them.”

Luna nods sagely and looks down at the bracelets littering her wrists, each one made for a different person in her life: Ginny, her girlfriend; Harry, her partner; Neville, her best friend; Draco and Ron and Hermione, her friends. She asks, “What comforted you when you died? I know… I know it wasn’t fast. Or painless.”

Remus smiles, his eyes shining with kindness and hope despite the exhausted bruises beneath them and the scars across his face.

“I wasn’t alone,” he answers, his voice soft. “I died by Sirius’ side. I was holding his hand when I saw the light. And in the light there were silhouettes - James, Peter, Lily, Severus, Regulus. They were waiting for us. And I knew we would be okay.”

Luna nods. She twists a ring on her finger and says, “Thank you, Mr. Lupin. I’d best be going now.”

Remus nods as she begins to descend the steps, his voice ringing out one last time, “Good luck, Luna. I hope to Merlin your victory will be more permanent than ours.”

Luna twirls around, cocking her head as she asks, “You think we’ll win?” Remus smiles.

He nods, his eyes twinkling, and says, “Someone has to. Why not you?”

ONE: All Together Again (Grimmauld Place, Harry & Ron & Hermione’s Bedroom)  & Harry Potter [After Graduation of Eighth Year - Daylight (Taylor Swift)]

Following the end of the war, Harry moves into Grimmauld Place, left to him by the godfather he never knew. He takes Hermione and Ron with him, the three of them having been in a committed relationship since sometime when they were on the run and following an unspoken agreement that they will follow each other anywhere.

Luna lives nearby with Ginny, in an apartment by Draco’s little cottage and Neville’s tiny hovel. The three of them live quietly, though their friends visit often. Harry feels better, happier, though the hole left by his missing family is still there.

One day, as he’s putting up pictures of him and his partners around their shared bedroom, he hears, “Harry?”

He looks up, and there, on the opposite wall, is a picture of the seven Marauders, all young and staring at him in shock. Harry tears up and rushes over, taking the picture delicately in his hands and smiling as he rakes his eyes over his lost family. They all grin back, and Harry reads the inscription on the frame: My dear Marauders, You have been my pride and joy for seven long short years. I know you will all do great things; I cannot wait to see what you accomplish. You are, and have always been, my favorite students. All my love, Minnie.

Harry covers his mouth, emotional, until finally James asks, “Are you happy?”

Harry looks at Remus and Sirius, their fingers intertwined and their eyes sparkling. He looks at Regulus and Peter, their arms around each other’s shoulders as they grin. He looks at Severus and Lily and James, his three wonderful parents. And he looks down at the two wedding rings on the chain around his own neck, bearing the initials R.W. and H.G.. And he nods.

“Yeah,” he answers, grinning. “Yeah, I’m really fucking happy.”

[glitxhwayventeen]

More Than You Know

Chan: Chapter 1 (So Am I)

Characters: Chan x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, smut, angst, fluff, potential blood mentions, genocide, runaways, domestic violence, child abuse, low self-esteem, sexually suggestive content, violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: I recommend listening to So Am I by Ava Max while reading. It was a good song to start Chan’s chapter off with I think.

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀 & ☁️

More Than You Know Master List

Chapter 1: So Am I

Chan was very skeptical of mating. He never really understood why someone would only want ONE person for the rest of their lives. Nuh uh. He never bought that. He thought that was ridiculous and just plain unpractical. But when he saw you for the first time, he started to believe what his brothers all said about imprinting. Whenever you were around, he got this flutter in his chest and the room felt warmer. Anytime you looked at him, he felt like he was on cloud 9. He almost felt bad for thinking mates were just bullshit now. He felt like he should apologize to you for it. He felt like apologizing for a lot of things.

When you were living in the woods, you had seen and spoken with many people who were mates. You didn’t understand it. How were you supposed to believe in love at first sight when it had never happened to you? It was really strange to you that these couples would just willingly lay down their lives for each other within minutes of knowing each other.

When Chan was carrying you back to the pack’s home after the angry mob had tried to kill you, you felt an instant connection. It felt like… like you had just gotten glasses for the first time after years of being almost blind. You started feeling everything and everyone around you, Chan being the person you paid the most attention to. You could heart his heartbeat buzzing, you could feel like fear radiating off him as he ran with you in his arms, and you could feel the pain he was feeling. And for just a split second, you could’ve swore you heard what he was thinking: Please dear god, just let her be okay. It was a desperate plea from a desperate man’s desperate heart.

He thought he was gonna lose you before he even got the chance to know you. That thought alone was enough to make him want to fall to his knees and cry. But he couldn’t do that, he had to do what he could to save you. And that’s exactly what he did. He ran back to the house, carrying your unconscious body bridal style, as fast as he possibly could.

He watched every motion his brothers made around you as they worked tirelessly to save your life. He heard your heartbeat drop rapidly. He panicked and tears brimmed his waterlines. You couldn’t die. Please god don’t let her die! He didn’t want you to die. With tears staining his cheeks, he grabbed your now cold hand and brought it to his lips, sealing his prayer with a kiss to the back of it. Your heartbeat had picked up on the contact of your hand touching your mate. Once Hansol assured him that you were going to survive, He felt like he could’ve just exploded with sheer happiness right there. It was only then that he realized he had imprinted, and it was only then that he realized how stupid he was for never believing it was possible to begin with. He was so glad you were gonna live, but he was so upset with himself for not believing you existed in the first place.

Chan was good at that, blaming himself for stupid shit most normal people would never blame themselves for. He was always so sorry for every little thing he thought he did wrong. His brothers would have to constantly remind him that he hadn’t done anything worth apologizing for, but he never listened. He wasn’t there for his brother so he died. He wasn’t looking for you so you almost died. So how could he NOT apologize? He always considered himself a fuck up. So He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for either. It’s just not the way he was programmed to work. He didn’t know how to function without guilt leaning over him.

Now, here he sat with you sitting directly across from him on his bed, he had asked you to sit down with him so he could talk to you.

“So what’d you want to talk to me about?” You innocently questions, blinking your big beautiful eyes at him.

He had your small hands in his, looking at them with adoration. You were so tiny. It was so cute, He felt so big in your presence. He felt like he needed to protect you from everything. But in order to do that, he needed you to trust him. And in order for you to trust him, he needed you to know what was going on in his mind.

“There’s something I need to say to you…” he choked out, suddenly feeling very hot in his cool room. “It’s about the whole mating thing.”

“… Oh” you whispered out, heart already pounding out of your chest. Was this his way of rejecting you? No. No way. He wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t do that. Right?

“It’s just, I feel like you deserve to know that I- I never really believed in them. I always thought they were a complete lie. And I feel like I need to apologize to you for that.” He said earnestly, eyes absolutely glued to your precious hands with no hint of him stopping anytime soon.

“Oh. Is that all?” You sighed out in relief, pulling one of your hands from his and running it through your hair to help ease your tension.

“… Well yeah… I just thought you should know- wait I don’t understand. Why aren’t you upset with me?” He wondered aloud, finally raising his eyes to look into yours.

“Why would I be upset with you? I thought the same exact thing until I met you. As long as you know they’re real now, I see no reason as to why I should be upset.” You chuckled slightly, earning a confused look from him.

“Were you actually worried I would be angry with you over something like that?” You questioned.

“Well I mean yeah kind of..? I’ve just been feeling this overwhelming guilt for thinking that these last few weeks of knowing you and I just felt like I needed to let you know.” He responded, still obviously very astonished that you weren’t upset with him in the slightest.

“That’s crazy. I’m not angry with you. I love you. I could never hold a grudge against you like that” you declare, grabbing his hand again and giving it a small kiss to show him some affection.

“But… how can you not be upset with me over it? I’ve been feeling so awful for it and- and I don’t see how you can just forgive me so easily” he spoke softly as his eyes started to water.

Was he okay? You knew he had pretty low self-esteem. But you didn’t think that it was low enough to be so concerned over something as trivial as that. You figured there was something else wrong, but it didn’t seem like he was ready to talk about it just yet. So you did your best to comfort him about the current situation instead, hoping that your words would work for both instances.

“Channie,” you started, hearing his heart boom with excitement at the nickname, “you didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t even need to forgive you because I would never be hurt by something like that. And besides, forgiveness is easy. You just choose to not let it bother you anymore.”

“Forgiveness isn’t easy.” He choked out, tears sliding down his smooth cheek as he looked down to his lap.

“Forgiveness is easy. It’s self-forgiveness that isn’t always easy. But in time, you can master it. It just takes practice. Lots and lots of practice.” You assured him, wiping his tears away with the end of your sweater and kissing his nose gently.

He looked into your crystal clear eyes and he knew you harbored no animosity towards him. The only thing he saw behind your irises was concern for him.

“God, you sound like a self help guru you know that?” He responded, letting out a quiet chuckle at how cheesy you sounded.

“Yeah. But you know I’m right. I know you’re too hard on yourself with everything. You beat yourself up too much. And at very least when it comes to me, I don’t want you to” you say, lifting your body off the bed to then situate yourself on his lap, wiggling about to make yourself comfortable, “When it comes to me, I just want you to be happy and honest” you continue, staring lovingly into his eyes as you lock your hands behind his head.

“Well, in all honesty, it’s taking everything I have in me not to push you down on my bed and smother you with kisses right now” he blushes, moving his hands to reside on your hips, squeezing them softly.

Just below you, you started to feel something rise. You smile to yourself and focus your attention back on your mate.

“Yeah I think you’re thinking of going just a wee bit further than kissing.” You let out a laugh, “but if we’re being honest, it would make me really happy if you acted on your instincts.” You finish with a lip bite.

“Oh thank god! If I had to wait another day, I was really worried I would quite literally explode!” He joked, quickly pinning your petite frame down on his bed.

“Thank you for dealing with me when I’m a basket case. I’m such a mess” He finished, quickly moving his lips to your neck to start at your request.

“Oh don’t worry my love, So Am I. But that’s what makes us great for each other .” You giggle out, feeling his eyelashes move against your sensitive skin.

“We’re absolutely perfect together princess” he added as he silently looked into your eyes for approval to start unbuttoning your shirt.

“More Than You Know my prince” You say as you grab at his hair and pull him back up to your lips, sealing your deal with a passionate kiss.

(Updated 8/7)

[maxxfields]

sober nights and traffic lights

Max would never consider himself mentally ill. He also would never tell anyone he had anxiety. But all the bullshit he went through as a child, it isn't shocking to know that he does. Through the years he’d always kept it on the downlow and never made a big deal of it. Ignoring it himself most of the time. And he got pretty good at it. Until recently. Having his first panic attack in years was so foreign to him. He didn't know how to cope with it nor did he ever remember feeling like this. What is the word that describes feeling too much and nothing at the same time? Being a professional writer it infuriated Max that he didn’t know what that word was. Whatever it was, that is how he felt right now. Numbness and exhilaration? He didn't know how he was feeling both at the same time, it was like a dream and a nightmare. There was also a very high chance it was both of those anyway because the events that had happened over the last couple days could not be real.

He had slept with Gabby Hunter.

Gabby and him had slept together.

He had spent the last 3 days living every moment of that night over and over wondering how it happened and thinking it probably won't ever happen again. Normally Max was the kind of guy to sleep with a girl once and never call. But this time he couldn't be that guy. He didn't want to be that guy. But here he was 3 days later, being that guy.

The morning after he ran away from her, he felt completely debilitated. After getting home the fire in his lungs had not dwindled. It was so painful for him and so overwhelming he almost went to the ER. But Max knew they'd never take him seriously. There was nothing wrong with him other than wanting to not think about real things. Forcing himself to take some meds, Max went straight to bed.

He awoke in the late afternoon to a voicemail and a text. He looked at the messages on his phone for a minute before listening to the voicemail. She seemed hesitant and quiet. It made him feel a little relieved and guilty at the same time. Today was really too many emotions for him after spending most of his adult life not thinking about any.

“....You’re my best friend…” those were the last words he heard before his brain started to fail him again. After everything he was not thinking about and hoping for the last few months vanished again. She had called just to make sure they were okay, that they were still friends. Somehow in this moment he felt like he was in high school again getting crushed by the girl of his dreams. And there they were again another roadblock. This time he felt so much for her and she didn't feel that way for him. All Max wanted to do was disappear. And with that thought, his body moved into action before his mind was made up.

3 hours later he was on the highway in his car with a suitcase thrown together. He honestly didn't know where he was going, what he was doing, how much clothes he packed, or how long he was planning on going. He just knew he needed to not be in that house. Those weren't the sheets made dirty by them, but he still felt it somehow.

The first night he ended up at the border of California and Oregon around midnight and decided to pull over. He spent most of the time listening to news podcasts and yelling at some of the interns from his office. Just because he was taking an unexplained sabbatical didn't mean that the world stopped and news didn't need to be told. It was nice to have an outlet for a while but still not be in the office or in the city. During his drive he started to think about his mental health and how he had gotten to this point. He remembered as a child wanting to have his parents approval so bad he morphed into something he wasn’t, and then he remembered in high school having the girl of his dreams completely break him senior year right before they were suppose to start their new lives at college together.

All of those things turned Max into the man he is today. He ran away to college in a different state, took a last minute slot in a shitty dorm at one of his safety schools instead of going where he and his parents had originally planned. And with that new start, he closed all the doors to his past behind him. Inventing the stone cold asshole he was now, and not allowing anyone to break the cracks. Yet he had allowed someone to do just that, multiple times now. And everytime he swore this would be the last time he left her in, and yet that stupid redhead kept charming her way into his life and into more than just that.

The events of last night started washing over him, from the party all the way to being in Gabby’s bed and it was starting to make the panic in him rise again. Finding one of the shittest motels on the side of the road, Max called it a night. Knowing he probably could have driven 20 more minutes into an actual city to find a nicer hotel he could afford, the man didn’t care about luxury right now. He just wanted to take a shower, rinse off all the thoughts he had and be unconscious.

In the morning, he awoke feeling very out of place, and maybe it was cause he didn’t have a routine. Since the day he went off to college and reinvented himself, he had always been a man with a routine and a workaholic. Therefore, waking up in a strange place was very weird to him and he started to get antsy and anxious that he wasn’t going into work today. After sitting with himself for a few minutes remembering why he was here and why he needed to runaway from things he felt a little better, but he still wanted to be productive. He checked out of the hotel and went driving around the closest town he could find. It was still very early in the morning, since he was in the habit of waking up before the day really began to go to work. But the man did find a cute coffee shop with several newspaper stands in front ot it. He paid for a small breakfast and grabbed a couple of the papers to read and stay in tune with the world for a bit. Sitting in that shop for a couple of hours he had a moment to write an article. It was definitely not something he would ever publish but it helped him clear his mind a little more. The article was based on an event several of the local papers he had grabbed had covered, but he felt that each article didn’t tell the whole story, and it infuriated him that an editor would allow something like this to be published. So in the name of journalism and in the name of calming his nerves, he wrote a better article for them. Reflecting on the piece of news he had finished writing by hand, he realized that it had been a few years since he had actually written anything. And he didn’t realize how much he had enjoyed it.

When he ran away to college, he decided he was going to throw his entire future plan to the wind. No more law school like his father wanted, he was going to figure out what he wanted. His freshman year at UCLA, he took a bunch of classes that he would never have thought to take, and ended up getting really good grades in a bunch of writing classes and history classes, especially the one he took that was specifically about Al Capone. When it came time for him to pick a major, he decided he wanted to pursue writing, but he wasn’t into the thought of writing fiction crap or picking a career that would be useless. Therefore he settled on journalism, it attracted to both parts of the things he was good at, and allowed him to have a job once he graduated. During the years after his undergraduate education, he worked at various news rooms, stations, and other publications while also getting his Master’s in editora journalism. Which is how he landed the pretty rough and prestigious job he had now. But being an editor and in charge of a paper, didn’t allow him much time to enjoy the things he once did. And through his adult life he focused more on things outside work to numb himself like he had for years. College had definitely instilled a lifestyle of booze, sex, and work for him. One that he had maintained for years.

It wasn’t until after Gabby left that he realized how broken he really was. He started going to therapy during that time, and faced some demons. And even though he was better mentally and was able to work through stuff. He still had anger management issues and was always a stressed out individual. It wasn’t until this moment, sitting in a coffee shop hours away from his home and his job that he realized how much of him he had pushed away. How much he didn’t let himself feel, enjoy, or think about. Therapy only helped him through some, but it was not his time to do the work and make himself a better person. One that wouldn’t fall apart just cause one girl in his life wanted to stay friends with him even though he wanted more.

Midway through the day, he had walked through some of the shops around the little town and was starting to feel antsy again. Even though he kept telling himself he deserved a vacation and needed to take this time off, he couldn’t. Not right now. Relaxation for himself was definitely going to be a priority, but he couldn’t change who he was, and that was a planner. Getting back in his car and driving south again, he promised himself he would go on a proper vacation this year. Actually take some time off, plan something, and pack with purpose.

As he climbed back into the car, he pulled out his phone for the first time all day to set up directions and pick out which podcast he was going to listen to when he saw them. Multiple messages from Gabby.

Fuck.

She wasn’t going to be the girl who demanded more after a one night stand? She wanted to try to be something more than a one night stand?

Damn it.

The man had fucked up again. This was the second time in less than 3 days he found himself racing to her house to apologize. What was he even gonna say or do that would make this better? Was she gonna accept his apology and allow them to figure this out? Did she really want more than friendship between them? So many questions were running through his mind right now and none of them had answers.

Turning off the radio completely, Max drove the 8 hours back to San Francisco in complete silence. Finally allowing himself to think about all his feelings, hers, and what the hell it all meant.

As he got closer to the city limits he got more and more groggy, it almost being midnight again. The man was not a night owl and this was now the 3rd night in a row he was not in bed before what was technically the day after he woke up. More than anything he wanted to go to Gabby, but he knew if he went now he’d just end up upsetting her. This time he wasn't gonna to go over there to get yelled at, fuck, then leave. He wanted to go over and talk. Persuading himself to go home and get some rest he’d come back in the morning.

And like an idiot he did just that, completely ignoring his phone and the angry messages it received while he was driving.

Awaking him again, a little later than his usual alarm, he realized how tired his body actually was. And how much it needed that sleep. Because he felt anew now. Clear. Ready to have the hard conversations.

This time it really did feel different. He felt ready. He felt almost relaxed. He was about to go get his girl. And with that mentality he went and showered, put on a nice outfit, drove to a flower shop and a coffee shop before heading to her place.

He knew Red would be pissed at him at first. But he was hoping they could talk through their stupidity and move past it all. Past these few days. Past these few years even.

When he got to her place and knocked on the door no one answered. He should have figured she was at work, but he kind of assumed knowing she'd be stewing at home alone with a glass of wine. Thinking maybe she went out to get food or something he stood around for a little while wanting to be there when she got back.

After 30 minutes he got a call from an unknown number. Without even thinking, since most of his employees had his phone number and he rarely saved any of theirs. He answered.