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hangonimevolving · 5 years ago

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Inside Out and Upside Downs

Hi all. Thought I’d update on various and sundry agenda items going on in my life. Never a dull moment ‘round here.

HEALTH

Firstly, let’s talk about my innards. There’s been a whole lot of activity going on with regard to my innards of late. Thanks to the excitement of my Disney flu adventure and my New Years ICU party, I am now the subject of a great deal of medical speculation and attention, from a variety of parties. I have a standing weekly blood draw and appointment on Thursdays with my hematologist (fancy word for blood doctor) to monitor my platelet levels, and other misc blood-related information that concerns immunoglobulins and weird, mysterious things like that. I have had two appointments, as well as a momma-jomma lab workup, with a rheumatologist (fancy word for doctor who specializes in autoimmune issues). I’ve had an appointment to set up care with a brand-new-to-me primary care physician. And in the middle of all of this, I decided that since I’m going to be in/around the hospital so frequently, I might as well do a short course of physical therapy for my ankle - I never got around to doing it, so now is the time. So that’s a recurring weekly appointment on Tuesdays. I’ve also got random other crap, like a random head MRI happening tomorrow, and I’m sure there will be random tests, scans, and studies that random doctors will order at random times, and I’ll have to fit it into the schedule. I am being thoroughly examined, inside out. And with all of these medical opinions, appointments, tests and what not - in the last 24 days, there has been NO concrete diagnosis or evidence about why this whole thing actually happened. There are several theories, the two most likely of which are a) I have an autoimmune disorder. Well, we already know I have one autoimmune disorder (a not-so-bad one, called Graves Disease/hyperthyroidism, which I was first diagnosed with in 2006, and which involves your own body perceiving your own thyroid gland as a foreign object, and attacking it with antibodies). But now there is some evidence that I may have a second one, possibly a more problematic one, that is causing my immune system to overreact to normal viruses and things, and go on self-destructive rampages against my own platelets. Dumbass immune system. Now, what IS this second autoimmune disorder? THAT we don’t know. Because, the rheumatologist ran that momma-jomma test I was telling you about, and all that showed up is this one value called a positive ANA test which indicated “daaamn, there’s something f%^ed going on in this lady’s immune system!” It was a very high positive result. But, the specific tests to identify antibodies for known issues like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, etc. were all negative at this time. So. To be continued with that whole theory.....

Then there is theory #2, which is b) maybe this whole thing really WAS just the flu. Maybe the strain of virus I got was really bad, and it resulted in such a pronounced war that it just took a toll. Dunno.

Anyway. We’ll obviously be following this medical mystery with my innards closely the next few weeks. Oh, and one more thing: so my platelet levels are sorta trending down. At hospital discharge, I was at like 313K, then the next week it was like 250K, then 180K, and yesterday, 146K. They’re going to keep monitoring, and the hope is that the downtrend will plateau at some point (preferably above 30K), and then it will start to climb up when my own bone marrow gets its shit together and starts producing new platelets. If that doesn’t happen - I’m looking at more IVIG infusion treatments. So let’s see how it all goes down.

WORK

A second area of activity has been my job! The spring semester at Uuuu! started on January 13, and I am teaching two courses this time around, for the first time since 2016. I am teaching my studio dance course, per usual, but I also agreed to a late plea for help from my former department to teach a lecture/discussion course that I’ve taught jillions of times before, but haven’t done in about four years. It feels good to be back in classroom teaching mode. The course meets three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. So I’m quite busy, leaving the house around 8 am to drop the kids off at school, then getting back behind the wheel and making the hour-long drive to campus, arriving by about 9:30 am and teaching my two courses back to back. I have a big huge hike between my classes too, because they’re on opposite sides of campus, so by the time I’m done teaching, it’s about 12:20 and then I have this big long hike back to my car, then the drive back home, and I arrive around 1:30 pm. I grab a bite to eat, then at 2:45 its time to get the kids. Then three days a week, they have their extracurricular activities after school, so I’m shuttling them to those things. Then Tuesdays and Thursdays, all my medical appointments, which have been taking the majority of my mornings and early afternoons. Phew! This is all a far cry from about a year ago, when I had several mornings a week to go for a long run, either in my neighborhood or at the local state park, and I was training intensely twice a week with my Spartan SGX coach. I’ve had to seriously curtail my working out - I took a spill on my first run following the hospitalization, and the entire family freaked out about my putting myself at a bleed risk if I were to fall, bump myself, or otherwise get an injury, even a minor one, while exercising. This has been a huge crimp in my style, not working out - and if I weren't so busy with teaching, I think it would seriously depress me. But I keep telling myself its only temporary, and soon we’ll have some answers to my situation, and I”ll be able to get back into it. Till then, I’m trying to get back into meal prep and eating clean, and doing some mild exercise like light jogs and walks, light weight training, etc.

ADULTING

My mention of weight training is perhaps a segue to this next update, which I’ll keep brief and annoyingly vague. I am going through some painful adulting right now, that makes some moments feel like I’m being swallowed up by a tsunami. I’m gonna survive... but, yeah. I’m wading in the flood right now.

Okay, now for some miscellaneous updates. Mainly so I can post some pictures. This has been very text-heavy for my tastes.

MISC

On the topic of clean eating..... did you know that both papaya and pomegranate are natural platelet boosters? Supposedly. I’ve been doing a lot of research on foods and other natural ways to help boost my platelet production, and these were the top two foods that were consistently mentioned on platelet disorders blogs and forums. I confess I’m not a big fan of these fruits - but I’ve tried to put my tastebuds aside, and incorporate them into every day. Happily, papayas are widely available in the Miami area year-round.

I’ve handled the pomegranate thing by buying 100% pomegranate juice, and making cocktails of pomegranate + papaya juice (which is papaya pulp mixed in pear juice).

On the topic of foods and eating well - here is my guilty indulgence of late. I ADOOOOORE ramen bowls. ADORE. And I know they are the opposite of low-carb and healthy.... but I have been making a ton of them at home lately. I try to make them as healthy as I can, by 1) only using half of the ramen spice packet that comes with the noodles - this cuts the sodium to a tolerable amount (plus I drink lots of water), 2) I sautée minced garlic + approximately one full cup of shiitake mushrooms + approximately 1.5 full cups of baby spinach leaves in a dash of olive oil, and add to every bowl I make (mushrooms are full of B-vitamins and, alongside garlic, are huge immunity boosters, and spinach is full of iron and calcium, and is a good thing for me to be eating to make my blood sort itself out) , and 3) I often either crack an egg over the entire boiling mixture right at the end, or I add in sliced hard-boiled egg for extra folate and protein. And I sometimes add in a handful of raw shredded carrots right at the end, for a little crunch, color, fiber, and beta carotene. I *think* that I’m doing my best to make this indulgence food a little healthier, and tailored to my specific medical situation.

Soup has been a huge craving of late, because we had a surprising cold spell in Miami. It got down to 39F day before yesterday! That’s probably the coldest its ever been since we moved to Florida.

Afternoon snuggle time was especially snuggly - Dey and I were huddled for warmth!

My ability to run and work out at a high intensity may be somewhat muted at the moment, and this has been sort of a hard mental adjustment for me. But I am trying to get outside and do things, because it makes me feel better, and also I imagine the vitamin D is good for me. The other day, I was feeling pretty dumpy and blah - so I did something that for some reason I’d been putting off, “saving” for a special occasion, whatever. I cut the tags off of a brand-new Spartan licensed active top that I’d purchased on Cyber Monday, put it on, and went for a light 2-mile jog in the neighborhood. I felt silly in a way of making a big thing of it in my head - but the truth is, it lifted my spirits.

What else... Oh, this was exciting! GUESS WHAT, dudes. On Monday, I saw a real live MANATEE in the lake behind our house! I could hardly believe my eyes. A neighbor had reported on our community WhatsApp group just the day before seeing a manatee from her backyard. She posted a picture of it, which I am shamelessly going to post here. The manatee I saw, about 24 hours later, was different - it was considerably smaller than this one, I think probably a juvenile (not quite a baby, but definitely not humongous like this one). But it was swimming slowly near the sea wall that abuts our backyard, munching on some sea grass just like this big manatee. I did my best to run into the house and call the kids to come out as quietly as they could to see it - I think they caught a tiny glimpse, but our footsteps must have spooked it, because it definitely swam away quickly. I hope we’ll see it again!

Photographic evidence that we are LEGIT Floridians who hang out with manatees :)

Last but not least - on the topic of water creatures, gotta give a shout-out to my Vev, who “leveled up” at his swimming lessons this week to Junior Swim Team! The swim school has about 10 levels through which kids have to work to get to this point, and in the last ~18 months, Vev has completed them all. I was somewhat nostalgic and verklempt when he got his ribbon this time - I feel like it was only yesterday that we took him to swimming school for the first time, where he screamed bloody murder and cried the entire duration of his 25 minute assessment, clinging desperately to his teacher and feeling panicky about letting go in the water. How far he’s come!

(by the way, Dey is also doing wonderfully at swimming, and is only like 1.5 levels away from his own Junior Swim Team ribbon).

So some of my life is inside out and upside down right now, it is true. But some of it is Upside-Up. I work hard EVERY day to focus on the Upside-Up, and what a treat it is to see. These kids, the sunshine I get to enjoy here, the afternoon snuggle times, delicious food that also is good for me.... net balance is that life is good, I’m still alive and kicking, and everything is gonna work out fine.

Toodles!

#fitness #platelets #Sickness #Vev #Dey #food #animals

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madd-information · 5 years ago

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This is long so I submitted it this way instead of sending in like 1,000 asks. Hope that’s okay?

Hi I’m Twoot and idk if I have (have? Is that the right term?) madd but I might and I’m looking into it. I’ve tried to do some research but idk how well it matches up. For as long as I can remember I’ve sort of created my own worlds or pretended that I was part of some that already existed (based off of youtubers, shows, books, etc. When I was younger it was a big mix of me as a person experiencing it and a character as me experiencing it but recently it’s just been me as characters) It’s not *all* of my life but when I sat down to write this all out I realized how much it happens. and I’m an only child living with only my dad so i didn’t have many real ppl to play w growing up and I have a lot of alone time. I spend a lot of my (mostly) alone time (walking to and from school, being home alone, in bed at night (so much plot in the stories/worlds I build happens at night), and even sometimes in social situations,, tho it depends) doing what I have dubbed in the latest years “The Characters Thing” (I’m just going to call it TCT for now bc I’m not %100 sure if it’s madd or not so that’s just what I’m going to refer to it as here)

Usually when I get into something (bc of my adhd when I get into a fandom type thing I hyperfixate and *rly* get into it) my whole world revolves around that thing. I create a sort of au and story in my head and they often times never wrap up before moving on to the next one. While I’m involved in one of my hyperfixations I usually do TCT about them and start a storyline which I continue throughout my day. These can last from one afternoon (tho that’s p uncommon) to months. They change as my hyperfixations change bc once I tire of those the characters/world no longer interest me and my hyperfixations usually last for a couple months. Right now I’m into Moomin so for example I would be Snufkin or the Joxter (it switches who I am A Lot depending on what’s happening in the story/ where I am while I’m doing TCT bc I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is actually madd) and go thru parts of the story I’m making as them. I don’t think of myself as becoming them ig?? Looking back I’m still me,, I’m the body,, the one experiencing things but during TCT the concept of “Twoot” (me) is gone and I perceive things and react to situations (irl or in the story in my head) as the character. It’s never in third person as I am always a certain character and even if I imagine others I do not act as them even tho I sort of control them. Another thing I forgot to add is that I can switch between what character I am. It often varies from world to world and story to story but sometimes I switch characters randomly bc my mood changes and the way I’m acting would better fit another character or my hyperfixation might shift and maybe a different character seems more appealing at that time. It’s like when you’re reading a fic and some of the chapters are in the POV of a different character. Tho for me it’s never third person no matter what. I always see it thru the eyes of the character I am.

There can sometimes be multiple worlds/stories happening at the same time which sometimes stumps me on what one to continue with when I do TCT. The stories never happen at the same time but if there are stories that are super short (last for only an afternoon or so,, but again these are super rare) there might be characters from multiple things in the same place. One recently for me was a world of me walking back from school after a stressful class where two characters (strongly tied to emotions. The three characters here are the only ones that are tied to emotions and pop up when I am feeling a certain emotion. Tho there are exceptions like there’s a character that always pops up when I’m stimming.) Who represent pettiness and anger (Marvin from Falsettos being the main one. (The only time when I act as him is when I am feeling petty or selfish and angry bc falsettos isn’t my hyperfixation anymore and I wasn’t usually him when it was my hyperfixation) Little my from Moomin was the other but unlike Marvin me feeling angry isn’t the only time she pops up bc that’s not all she’s included for and she’s part of my current hyperfixation) where talking to me (At the moment I was snufkin from the Moomins who i use to make my emotions stable bc he is always calm and collected. He’s also the main character I am rn bc he’s my favorite and from my current hyperfixation) even tho Marvin is not from Moomin and little my and snufkin aren’t from falsettos. This kind of world with mixing characters and it being so short (only lasted for half of my walk home) is v v uncommon tho it does happen. It is also an example of one of the kinds of situations that happen when I do TCT.

There are three kinds.

One: Real world. This is where the characters (Sometimes just the character I am and sometimes there are others around me) are responding to things that are happening around me activity. Example: Worrying about a test I have, playing a video game, or doing something activity that is happening irl. This can easily bleed into the second type if I am doing something nonspecific like walking home or eating dinner.

Two: Imaginary situations: This is where I am doing something during TCT that I am not doing in the real world. Example: irl I am in bed but durning TCT I am walking around the forest(little irl movement and acting bc I am lying down and I cannot speak bc I might be heared by my dad) or irl I am just home alone but during TCT I am going shopping with another character (a lot of irl movement. I can talk, run around, grab props to use and use them, etc.)

Three: Including other people: This is why it doesn’t affect my social situations negatively. This is where I am interacting with other people and see myself as one character and those around me as others. This usually follows the rules of the forst kind bc I base things around what is actually happening. If I am around my little cousins sometimes I can play with them and suggest what we play using the world I’m focused on at the time (it’s not that weird bc I’m 14 and we don’t see each other that often but when we do we’re all v close and it’s not as weird or forced as it sounds) and I’m the character I am at that time and might even suggest them to be other characters from it. If not this can actually star a branching work with my cousins ocs as characters that I might or might not use if I continue that branch. If I am around friends we don’t play that often anymore bc were all about 14 so we play less and less but there was a long lasting hyperfixation that rly was great for TCT bc my friends where into it at the same time and often played and/or rped as these characters. So sometimes they might play along but most of the time for type three I only imagine them to be other characters. I assign them a character that matches who they are and hang out with them as I act on the way my character as they and build the story in my head as things happen irl. Examples: irl I’m eating dinner at a restaurant with my dad and grandparents but during TCT I am the character eating dinner with the other characters in the world in my characters dining room, irl I am in the ocean on a beach trip with my friends but during TCT I am a Character that is trapped on an island and swimming to somewhere else with the few other characters for company, or irl I am in a car going to a friends house while it’s late with her mom driving us but during TCT I am the character on a train traveling to to town for the first time to go to an inn while I chat with a character that is a stranger (even if irl she’s my best friend) and the nosy lady in front of us who keeps interrupting our generally peaceful train ride

I am always aware that I am doing TCT and usually (I think? I’ve never tried to specifically shut down any “sessions” of TCT) in control of when it stops/starts and there is no inner world. I am aware of what the body is seeing, hearing, feeling, etc. irl but TCT is happening on top of it(?)

If there are other characters besides just me in a scene (unless I’m with other people and assign them a character that suits them in my head) I see them even tho they’re not there? They are invisible but I can tell what they look like and where they are at any given time. In the “scenes” im never “transported” anywhere. Sort of. I can decide where the room I’m in is in the story (like I say that my room is really the inside of a tent or that the restaurant I’m in is the dining room of my character’s house) but it’s the same as how the characters look. I perceive everything as it is but imagine that things look different. This also happens with real people I assign characters to in my head. My eyes see the people but my brain, ig in my minds eye sees what the character they “are” looks like.

There are multiple different reasons that TCT happens for me. Most of the time it’s because I’m bored (I have adhd-pi (the inattentive type) so this happens quite a lot) but I also use it to deal with situations I want to personally distance myself from.

Like because I have sensory issues it’s Awful for me that I have to go out to eat with my grandparents every week and have to hear them chew food. So I start doing TCT and handle things how my character would handle it. If I end up spiraling and breaking down then TCT is torn away and my mind stops thinking of that as I am too preoccupied with the breakdown (usually dealing with personal things so it’s harder to place a character on it)

I have recently started to use TCT to my advantage during breakdowns and either acting as a more stable character they ig to calm themself down OR be Twoot (me) (this is v uncommon for me this past year or so unless it’s to do what I’m explaining now) and have the characters “there with me” to calm me down. It all depends on the specific experience.

What makes me question if madd is what I’m experiencing or not is bc It doesn’t usually affect my social life; if I’m doing TCT I just have my friends/family be other characters (tho I don’t tell them this ofc) and it’s not like an actual dream. I still experience reality while it’s happening and it’s not too vivid (I have memories of the parts of stories like they really happened but as I explained before things seem sort of transparent so they aren’t too detailed) also it’s not third person. I have to experience it in first person weather I’m acting it out (this is ideal, I do this if I’m home alone or walking somewhere alone. If I can’t speak and move around to act them out I mouth things out and imagine that I am doing the things, but not rly bc I imagine doing things in first person if that makes sense, or if I rly have to it all happens inside my head but that’s only if I’m in a social situation where I can’t move around. If I’m in a social situation with friends I can move around in I move and and act in the ways that the character I am at the moment would/ is in my story and have my friends be the characters while I build the story around what is happening irl)

If there’s anything else I should explain but at this time that is all I can think of to share. I hope this makes sense. If it’s not madd do you have any idea what it could be?

I always thought me doing this was normal then when I realized it wasn’t I thought it was just my adhd but I had kind of realized it might be something else and it made me think after I brought up the fact that I did this to my therapy group as a way to distance Myself from situations that are uncomfortable and deal with stress so I decided to do some digging and madd seemed rly close but I thought I’d ask someone before I go and self diagnose let alone talk to my dad about it.

#maladaptive daydreaming #actuallymadd #.#Oml this was so long im so sorry #it also probably didnt make muchc sense #oof #thank you for running this blog tho its lovy and thank you fir reading my cinfused ramblings!#submission

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imnoexpertblog · 6 years ago

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Back at It Again with the Self-Reflection

7/17/18

I am back. You might have read in my previous blog (generous word for it, it was basically just an update) that I needed a break. I was having a very rough week and my anxiety was at all all-time time high. Why this was happening is neither here nor there, since it was all resolved. Thankfully. But I didn’t lose any weight during the worst anxiety I’ve had in almost a year! That is a huge deal. Anxiety causes me to lose my appetite normally, but not this time. I noticed I was eating normally, not gagging on my food, not nauseated by the thought of eating, etc. I also noticed some other things about myself during this hard week. Self-reflection was forced upon me and I came out of it all finding more out about myself than I have in a long time.

First epiphany; I’m too nice sometimes (all the time). I have a hard time being real and honest. I sugar-coat things for others and I end up hurting myself as a result. The thought of someone being upset with me or disliking me sometimes tears me apart and it can cause me to put their feelings before my own in order to avoid that. This is necessary at times, but I need to start putting my own mental health first. I drive myself nuts worrying about everyone else. I never take care of myself, especially when I need it the most. They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, and they are correct. The way you take care of yourself (or not) catches up to you eventually. Being up front about things might be really hard in certain situations or with certain people, but its worth it if it means you are doing what’s best for your own wellbeing. Watering things down doesn’t benefit anyone. The other party isn’t getting the entire story which means they can’t take the necessary steps to mitigate the problem. And this also means that you’ve just told them that what they are doing is okay. Or you can avoid this whole mess by just being 100% real. The truth really can set you free. I wish I could be more selfish but it’s just not in me. I wish it was easy to say, “Screw everyone else,” and do what I need to do or say what I need to say. But I am glad I recognize it because now I can actively try to change it. I am going to stop setting myself on fire to keep others warm.

I’ve been getting a lot of advice as of late. Advice I wasn’t seeking. As big as how to handle family drama to as insignificant as what to do with my hair. So. The second thing I’ve noticed about myself; the older I get, the less tolerant I am about receiving advice I didn’t ask for. I’ll be honest, I rarely ask anyone for advice. It’s not because I’m too proud for it or anything like that. It’s because (and I say this with as much modesty as possible) I usually know how to handle things already, or I at least know how I want to handle it. I vent a lot to those I am close to. It’s how I cope. It’s often mistaken as asking for advice, though. But that isn’t what it is. Sometimes I just need to bitch about something to someone. Someone who will listen and someone who will agree with me. Someone who will let me be mad or upset or irritated for the vent session. I understand why my listener tries to give me counsel in those moments. Venting can easily be misconstrued as asking for help. But what I do get sick of right away is when people go out of their way to tell me what they think I am doing or should be doing. “I say this because I care.” Sometimes I want to say, "Okay, well, care quietly." LOL. It’s even worse when it’s out of the blue from someone I wasn’t even talking to about my issues. I am aware that they mostly mean well, but it’s not their place. I think this is a sensitive aspect of communication and if it is not requested or welcomed, don’t advice others. I’ve also been told I am too defensive about this. This all might stem from my problem with being perceived as if I can’t hold my own. And that is how I feel when anyone expresses concern for me at all. It makes me wonder what I’ve been doing wrong up until that point. It’s very much an anxiety trigger for me. Perfection was drilled into my brain from the start and that’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake. At least not completely. It’s one of the things I am working on.

The last revelation I have had; I am very much done letting negativity get to my daily life. The week I just had really tested me. It tested my temper, my urge to hold grudges, my stubbornness, my spitefulness, and more. And for the most part, I didn’t give in to any of that. This week tested me for sure, but it also gave me opportunities. It gave me the opportunity to forgive, to be honest, to let go, to admit my wrongs. I took those opportunities. You know what I got in return? Happiness. There has been so much over the course of my whole life that’s hurt me. There are a million things I could hold against others or use to fuel hatred and anger. For the longest time, I held onto resentment. It. Is. Exhausting. Anxiety, worry, sadness, losing sleep, losing weight, missing out on feeling happy. Holding onto negativity wasn’t teaching anyone a lesson. It wasn’t giving anyone a taste of their own medicine. It was hurting me more than anyone else. I realized this when I asked myself, “Why would I actively and consciously choose to push someone away when I can let it go and choose to be happy instead?” I've actually always forgiven too easily, but I realize I don’t mind that about myself. That being said, there are people I haven’t forgiven for certain things, but I have let those things go. Forgiving and letting go are different to me. I might not forgive you, but I’m not mad or using whatever happened against you, either. This comes down to your level of maturity and sensibility. How you react in general is a choice, and you can choose to be happy. It honestly took me making a mistake to see it this way. The potential of someone else shutting me out on purpose for something I didn’t do to intentionally cause damage made me see that anger and grudges aren’t the answer to anything. I always thought people’s actions cause me to feel the way I do, but that isn’t true. That is an excuse. You are responsible for how you react and how you feel. It is possible to have a falling out or part ways with someone and avoid resentment, negativity, and the rest of the bad stuff. You just have to decide if anything is truly worth compromising your own happiness for. In my opinion, nothing is.

Okay, I’m going to continue to be honest here. I was really messed up over not writing for over a week. It made me feel like I was leaving all of you hanging or as if I would lose my following by not staying current and relevant. Thinking about it too long would make me very anxious. (This is what I meant earlier, by the way. I’m way too worried about everyone else before myself). I also know as a rational and reasonable person that none of you are upset with me for taking a break, but anxiety is not rational or reasonable. I’m just thankful that half of my brain can acknowledge reality. So I guess I’m trying to say thanks for being patient with me and remaining in my corner.

ANYWAY. I promise I will be back with the categorized blogs of entertainment, food, and health & beauty this week. I have a lot of things to share with you so be ready for a bunch of new things!

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irarelypostanything · 6 years ago

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The key to success

I thought of something interesting while listening to a podcast--when we were writing our personal statements for college, my favorite counselor shared his story of swimming. He was in a swim class, and he finally got to the end of the pool by himself...and this was in a pool with classmates who could do laps around him, who could get to the end of the pool and back ten times before he could do it once. But it meant a lot to him because it was a personal goal, and because he could give it his own flavor of significance.

Another counselor was pretty adamant about telling us not to write personal statements about fencing or dragon boat, because those were generic; in hindsight, though, we probably should have just trusted ourselves and written from the heart. There are original spins you can put on anything. I, passionate writer that I am, made sure to write a whole essay on my love of writing and how much I enjoyed it in all of its forms.

Ironically, I procrastinated terribly on writing that essay.

*****

I’ve never written a post about what the key to success was because the premise of the question seemed wrong. The goal of life isn’t success...it’s happiness. But if your happiness is obtained by doing the thing you love, by being all that you can be, by living out your values, then couldn’t you redefine success as such? And it’s hard to find happiness if you can’t grow in your career, or succeed at something you care about, or “win” from time to time.

Some people really do have natural, inborn talent. Some people are really interesting writers even though they don’t write much as a hobby, or they’re really good engineers because of an intuition and logically-oriented mind they have, or they can pick up an instrument really quickly while their peers struggle to get anywhere near their level. Emphasizing hard work and practice isn’t an attempt to deny that some people are naturally talented; rather, it’s to adhere to the philosophy that we have to play with the cards we’ve been dealt. And while it makes sense to grapple with things we’ve dealt with in the past, life difficult childhoods, it can become victimizing at a point.

The key to success is hard work carried out through practice and habit-formation. I think that most of us know this to be true, even those of us who struggle and who think of ourselves as failures. Bad habits can be overcome by systematically rewiring the habit loop, replacing perceived negative behavior with something preferable. An example of this, as dictated in The Power of Habit, is overcoming nail-biting by using a competing behavior, like putting your hands in your pockets. I myself got over the worst aspects of eczema by simply habituating myself to press down on itches, instead of scratching them (another common recommendation to people with eczema is literally ice cubes). Good habits, on the other hand, are obtained through positive reinforcement. The classic example is rewarding running with a small piece of chocolate.

Obviously, hard work is not carried out through habit alone, but also through hours and hours and hours of practice. I didn’t get through the SAT by being born with SAT knowledge, I got through the SAT by buying three practice books, then spending much of Winter Break systematically carrying out ten spaced-out three-hour practice SAT simulations until I had experience under my belt before I walked into my first real test. I didn’t get a job through one magic interview, but by systematically applying for jobs every day until, by the time I had my first interview, I had applied to more than 100 companies and tracked the process for each one. I didn’t do well on a work presentation by being a naturally good speaker; I did well on a work presentation by writing out a speech, then spending 10-30 minutes every day for two straight months practicing that speech from memory. Now, in our little world of low-level software engineering, I don’t think the people who are most successful are the most creative, or who most commonly think outside of the box. I think the people who are most successful are the ones who, by a mix of academic and experience-based knowledge, come up with logical solutions that are sometimes, albeit rarely, backed up by knowledge of new systems that can be of use. Success in our world is obtained by coming up with the most simple and least convoluted solutions, not the most interesting ones--it’s the opposite of the world of writing, in which the best writing makes unique and original connections.

*****

This has taken 20 minutes to write. Let me get to the caveats.

The work I’m most proud of in college wasn’t obtained through good habits, or even by that many hours of work...it was actually pretty effortless and painless. I liked writing. I wrote essays as a break from coding. Go figure. I guess the key to success comes in handy more when we’re struggling than in things we love enough to not think of as work. You could still call the hours I did put in hard work, but that sort of writing was actually super easy. Barely an inconvenience.

And obviously, I’m not writing this as the shining example of a successful person. It’s more of a “do what I say, not what I do” kind of thing. I know what habits and behaviors should be carried out on a given day to obtain success, but I also know how much more fun it would be to get on Netflix and marathon some Disney musicals.

I just feel sometimes that in our world of ad saturation, we keep getting sold silver bullets. Take this class. Eat this diet. Subscribe to this newsletter.

But all of these things, whether they’re exercise routines or life coaches, still root themselves in the same fundamental thing: Hard work, through practice and habit formation. And all these things, like life coaches and exercise routines, can be very necessary. They’re just not magic.

Final caveat is that happiness, or at least mental well-being, is more important than success--it’s just very different and harder to talk about in a logical way. The key to happiness is a billion things that book authors are still going on and on about. The key to success, I strongly feel, is a lot simpler. It’s just not that fun to think about.

#30-minute freewrite #personal

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maddysacademics · 4 years ago

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Sociology Course Findings: Week 2

This week we focused on sociological theorists, starting with the 3 founding fathers of sociology, Karl Marx, Max Weber, and Emile Durkheim; however we’ll also be looking at theorists from a feminist and post-colonial perspective

I evaluate social reality very often, certainly in recent years as my interest in politics and sociology has increased; often I way up the advantages of an alternate way of organising society, as capitalism had a frequent tendency to be cruel and unfair. I like to think of communism and socialism and the differences between them, as well as which system I prefer. I’m on the fence, but I enjoy this, as I like being able to debate myself in my head

I think theories and theorists are important in all subjects: media, politics, English literature, sociology, psychology etc. Theories are often thought of as a result of someone’s life experiences and outlooks, for example I would probably not be able to come up with a theory on post-colonialism because I am not directly effected by it (other than in means of privilege, which often goes unrecognised), whereas Paul Gilroy created an excellent post-colonial theory about racial hierarchy which shapes my understanding of media everyday. This is also key to theorists and theories. They really shape the way you perceive and understand everything around you, and they can teach a lot too

In science, theories are concluded from a series of hypothesis, which are tested with cause and effect experiments, such as kicking a ball produces a force would be a hypothesis for Newton’s laws of motion, and this could be proved by kicking said ball and examining the cause and effect of the forces; however sociological theories are different. You cannot prove a theory from just cause and effect as societies are too complex. For example, to examine the theory that being poor will lead to an early death, we need to know things like gender, fitness, hobbies, addictions, profession, level of education, level of poorness, etc.

My preconceptions about communism were pretty bad; I didn’t know the correct definition and I thought of it essentially as what happens when you take ‘sharing is caring’ too far. I didn’t really have any preconceptions of capitalism, considering I have lived under it all my life, I just knew I did not want people to be hungry and homeless as if made me upset when I applied Rawls’ Veil of Ignorance. Marx definitely makes the normal seem strange; why do we work jobs we do not feel satisfied from? Why does everyone obsess over money which is literally paper? Why do we allow such a harsh divide between the top 1% and the bottom 1%? It puts a lot into perspective- I 100% believe socialism or communism would be more ideal.

I was unfamiliar with Durkheim, but he was famous was theorising that suicide rates were climbing as a result of capitalism. I understand his 5 points and completely agree that capitalism is an interruption to the natural way of life, creating envy, impossibly high hopes, too much choice in professions, and weakened religion, family, and nation. I think the last point is interesting, however, because surely if you believe suicide happens as a result of capitalism, communism/socialism is an ideal state? In which case religion would be abolished, family would be more communal, and nations would be united not separated.

Erving Goffman’s dramaturgy is very interesting to me, and something I find to be factual. I can 100% confirm that I act differently around all of my friends, family, teachers etc. Some people may be more different person to person than others (I think that I retain a lot of the same qualities) but there are definitely at least subtle changes for everyone.

The 3 major theoretical perspectives are functionalist (eg Marx), critical (eg Durkheim) and interactionist (eg Goffman). Between each function, their focus differs on things such as societal outlook, level of analysis emphasised, key concepts, and view of the individual

Functionalism is often criticised as it’s seen to be deterministic, focuses on positive functions over negative outcomes and is ideological

Sylvia Walby is a feminist sociological theorist who proposed that the patriarchy is created by 6 parts: paid work, women are paid less than men household production, women in the UK did 6 hours of housework on average where as men did 2 (2013); culture, behavioral expectations are different between a man and a woman, we have to ask why; sexuality, double standard for sexually active men vs women, added to the notion that men have a sex drive that must be released some way or another; violence, men have always been violent against women and also against other men; and The State, which is still patriarchal, racist and capitalist today.

Edward Said is a post-colonial theorist who worked on the concept of orientalism; this is really interesting to me personally as I feel like I lack knowledge of the treatment of Asian people in our community. He suggested that the orient is both portrayed as uncivilised, resulting in dehumanisation and brutalisation, but also exotic, resulting in infantilsation and romanticisation

Conflict theory focuses on the competition between groups within society over limited resources. Functionalist theory views society as a complex system whose parts work together to promote solidarity and stability. Symbolic interactionist theory focuses on the relationships among individuals within a society (micro-level)

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allisonawakened · 7 years ago

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Do you have any advice on what is going on with my spiritual situation? I feel like I'm being guided, but I feel two different energies. sometimes, I'm guided to do positive things and I'm doing so well. But then other times, it's like I'm always drawn straight to the more negative option, even though I realize I shouldn't do it. What is this? I also feel like I am being watched in my bedroom, but I don't feel a pos/neg energy, just being stared at and creeped out. Is it my mother or a guide?

Good Morning :)

I can see / feel / sense a few things at play here, so I’m going to separate my answer into 2 topics: (1) The Struggle Within & (2) The Struggle Without

Please know that any of my answers come from personal experience, and channelling / communication I am engaging with via Spirit. ♥

* Keep Reading to see what Spirit has to say *

The Struggle Within

So it took me a really long time to realize that all of this Spiritual stuffs is not 100% “Love & Light”. That we all have “shadow” sides, or pieces / versions of ourselves we may not like. “Weaknesses” that we perceive to hold us back, when there may be a reason why we “suffer” or “struggle” with those “weaknesses”.

When I read your “Ask”, in the beginning I didn’t even see the questions or words, I got a vision from Spirit that there are parts / pieces of yourself that you are not liking at the moment and that is adding so much more fuel to this “conflicted” fire. The word “Guilt” keeps coming up, along with a very clear vision that you have a way of hating on yourself so much more than anyone else could ever bring you down.

Spirit tells me this isn’t healthy for you right now. You are spiralling, and you know you are, but you aren’t seeking out the help or coping mechanisms that normally work for you. I’m getting from Spirit my sign for depression - but please know I am most definitely NOT a medical professional and all messages are just that, psychic medium messages. But to clarify - my sign for depression can also specify whether this is “clinical” depression or “situational / emotional” depression. I’m getting my sign for the latter, “situational / emotional” depression. Something has happened (or rather, a series of events has occurred) in the last 1 to 2 months that has you questioning everything. It can be healthy to question everything, but it is most definitely NOT healthy to over-obsess & over-analyze everything to the degree which you have recently.

“Please forgive yourself” Spirit says. I know I’ve gone off-tangent there, but those words came through loud & clear as I was typing the last paragraph. It’s Spirit bringing me back to the word “Guilt” that I channeled earlier. “There is nothing you have done that cannot be undone”. Again, a clear message from Spirit but really referring to the fact that we may sometimes dig ourselves in a hole so deep that we can’t see the way out, and forget that we were the ones holding / using the shovel in the first place. Just like we dug ourselves downward, we can climb / claw our way upwards once again.

“Forgive yourself”, is the message that keeps coming through. That’s how Spirit [ your Spirit Guides ] suggests that you deal with this “internal struggle” I’m connecting to.

It’s ultimately this “inner struggle” that’s leading you to those perceived “negative” decisions. Spirit tells me that when you are struggling to overcome hurdles and emotional loss you can sometimes end up self-sabotaging. Because no one can hurt you as much as you hurt yourself. I mentioned something similar to this earlier on.

“Stop self-sabotaging” seems to be the next message from Spirit, but only after you learn to forgive yourself, as Spirit mentioned earlier.

“You’re giving up” Spirit says. “You’re seeking what you perceive to be negative for you & your life because you tell yourself ‘things can’t possibly get any worse’. And what’s worse is that YOU KNOW YOU’RE DOING THIS. Please stop. Even if you don’t feel loved / cared for right now, please know that we love you and care about you. You can even feel it sometimes. There are times, out of no where, you feel loved and you don’t even know why. That’s from some of us, your Spirit Allies. So please trust in us and surrender all of your worries, hardships, negative feelings and thoughts to us. Tell us everything you need. Ask us for help. Seek guidance from us.”

So as I channeled that ^^^ I felt many voices speaking but one Spirit that came through really strongly was a Mother figure. It may even be a Mother from a Past Life. That could be further affirmation / validation for you about that “female energy” you mentioned in your Ask.

Before I finish off this first part, I have to mention that although we perceive that “shadow side” of ourselves to be bad / negative, there is a place for all energies in this world / in our lives. There may be a reason why you are experiencing more negative than positive right now. This is where Spirit shows me a sign for “Transformation”. You’re going through a huge test of strength / transformation / transition right now. And as with all growth, it can be painful to go through. I believe that’s why Spirit mentioned the word “surrender” in what I channeled above. Spirit keeps repeating that word now. “Surrender”. Lean into the changes happening within you right now, and the result may be less internal pain / struggle.

The Struggle Without

What you described in the last bit of your “Ask” reminds me so much of my experience with what I like to refer to as “Watchers”*** - spiritual entities that only watch. Sometimes they take down notes.

It’s eerie as f*ck.

I feel really strongly that your instincts are right on with the “feeling like you’re being watched” thing. I would even go further to say that it may be time to cleanse / clear your room. Spirit keeps showing me that you need to smudge with sage. And you will need to do this at least 3 times, multiple days in a row.

There’s a lot of stagnant / suffocating energy in your room, a space where you spend most of your time. And not all of that energy is even Spiritual. Emotions can sometimes hold as much weight as spiritual energy, and your emotions are so thick in that space that it’s almost energetically choking you.

Next, Spirit shows me you need to do some visualization work to protect / re-enforce your room. Start by visualizing multiple shields of white light around your space. I keep seeing symbols I don’t recognize, so I don’t know if you also do sigil-work or have been curious about sigil-work, but finding some sigils meant for protection (especially from outside energies / influences) is what’s needed.

It’s that last step I mentioned that will deal with that “Watcher”*** that’s following you around.

I hope that helps…

I know what I channeled may have surprised you and may not be what you were expecting, but I always have to honour the messages & what Spirit chooses to tell / show me.

Most of all, I hope you are able to find the help and support / love you need right now. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to those you feel may have your back right now. You can’t get through all of this alone. Even if you only start by reaching out to Spirit. It’s a start.

♥ ♥ ♥

Bonus Info

*** Watcher(s) : A term I use for entities that are not Ghosts, Loved Ones on the Other Side, Spirit Allies, Spirit Guides, etc. They may not have even been human, ever. They come across as fairly “high vibrational” to me. They don’t interact. They don’t have a message. They just watch. Usually from a distance. Sometimes I *see* them wearing trench coats, fedoras, etc. But I’ve come to realize that may be Spirit humanizing the energy for my sake (so it doesn’t freak me out). When I encounter energies like that, I basically protect myself, and tell them to go away. The “watching” part isn’t harmful at all. It’s just disconcerting. Especially since, in my case, I’ve never been able to completely figure out *WHY* they choose to watch, and *WHAT* they are doing with the information they see. In my experience though, they always seem drawn to those that are Spiritually / Intuitively gifted & are just “coming into” their gifts, or really “using them for the first time”.

*** If you or someone you know has had experience with Watcher(s) and are seeking affirmation / validation from Spirit, I encourage you to write in with some added info / experiences - sometimes I can only know a limited amount based on my own experiences, but can channel further answers with Spirit based on outside information. ***

#ask #ask me anything #spiritual development #intuitive development #you are not alone #trust in spirit #connect with your guides #forgive yourself #take care of yourself #you are so worth it #trust your instincts #trust your intuition #smudge #protect your energy #energetic shielding #spiritual entities

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ntrending · 6 years ago

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24/7 fitness trackers won’t solve all your problems—and they might make you imagine new ones

New Post has been published on https://nexcraft.co/247-fitness-trackers-wont-solve-all-your-problems-and-they-might-make-you-imagine-new-ones/

24/7 fitness trackers won’t solve all your problems—and they might make you imagine new ones

At a recent promotional event for Omron’s new Heart Guide, a watch with a built-in blood pressure monitor, journalists and company representatives sat around a long dining table, testing the device in real time. Between heart-healthy courses of salmon and spirulina (an edible form of algae), I caught a glimpse inside several strangers as their health data flashed across the LED display tied to their wrists.

Omron’s FDA-approved device is liable to make a positive change in the life of thousands of Americans. Individuals with high blood pressure have always been tasked with taking at-home readings to discuss with their physicians; replacing the blood pressure cuff with a simple wristwatch only makes things easier. But in the days leading up to the event, I found myself in the grip of a rising tech-induced panic.

As everyone around me calmly strapped on their Heart Guides, my hands were trembling. One or two other people at the table seemed similarly apprehensive, but the predominant mood was one of curiosity. As I placed my left hand across my chest for the reading, my right hand reflexively flew up to shield my data from my dining companions. Reading my results back to myself, as privately as possible, I felt myself rationalizing the data, while I tried to control my ragged breathing.

Such a stomach-churning response to a tricked-out timepiece is probably uncommon. But looking at the sanguine faces all around me, I wanted to understand what was happening in my brain—and if it happened to others.

Just 10 years after FitBit released its first health wearable, roughly one in four American adults use some kind of fitness tracking device. The miniature machines promise to help you meet your fitness goals; watch over you while you sleep, logging every sigh, snore, and REM cycle; detect falls; and even monitor the electrical activity of your heart through tiny ECG machines. They rarely work as promised—most devices don’t help you lose weight, and graphing your sleep pattern doesn’t mean you’ll actually change it—but such data-collection tools can be medically necessary, helpful to hobbyists (like marathon runners who want to optimize their training), or at the very least entertaining.

But Sabra Abbott, a professor of neurology at Northwestern University, says our interactions with these gadgets aren’t uniformly positive. In 2017, she and her colleagues published a collection of three case studies exhibiting characteristics of what the authors named “orthosomnia”—the desire for perfect sleep. Despite a growing body of literature on these devices, the study study remains the only peer-reviewed publication linking wearables to anxiety I’ve found.

“We started noticing this trend of more and more people showing up not because they had an actual sleep complaint, but because they had a perceived complaint based on the data they got on these activity trackers,” Abbott says. One man, for example, came to the clinic because his device revealed that he rarely attained exactly eight hours of sleep. “Throughout the session he presented his sleep schedule and symptoms as ‘according to my data,’” the authors wrote in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine. Despite good results from a laboratory sleep study, and reassurances from experts that individual snoozing needs vary widely, the patient’s anxiety over imperfect slumber persisted.

Individual stories like these offer only the slightest hint at the potential downsides of wearables. To know just how many people suffer negative side effects, we’d need to analyze hundreds or thousands of users. Such research is possible, but most of the large-scale studies on wearables remain focused on the technology’s potential; downsides are nested deep inside the published papers, if they’re mentioned at all.

While Abbott’s paper established precedence for future scientific inquiry, it could only ask the question, not answer it. For more insight, I turned to the world of clinical psychology, whose practitioners informally collect case studies (also known as anecdotal evidence) day in and day out.

Sheva Rajaee is a licensed therapist and founder of The Center for Anxiety and OCD in Irvine, California. She hasn’t yet encountered patients fixated on wearable data, she says, but “I wouldn’t be surprised at all if I do see them soon, as they become more ubiquitous.” Instead, Rajaee’s main concern is sites like WebMD, which many of her patients read obsessively in search of a self-diagnosis. Though “Dr. Google” and the Apple Watch are different tools, the underlying anxieties may be quite similar.

“When humans feel threatened, one of our first instincts is basically to check,” Rajaee says. Whether it’s an encyclopedia, WebMD, a fitness tracker, or your actual doctor, “checking becomes one of the behaviors we engage in to feel in control of the situation.” The people most likely to suffer from compulsive checking are those with psychiatric conditions like health anxiety disorder (better known as hypochondria) or obsessive compulsive disorder. But Rajaee says neurotypical people—those who haven’t been diagnosed with intellectual, developmental, or psychological differences—aren’t immune to the side effects of 24/7 health data.

“Hyper-focusing on these automatic processes gives the illusion of control over something we don’t have to control,” Rajaee says. “We don’t need to power our own heart. We don’t need to engage our central nervous system.” Instead of letting our organs do their job, wearables send the message we should not only be conscious of our pulse or blood pressure, but actively trying to interfere.

For people with certain health conditions, this may be true. But for everyone else, trying to interfere with automatic bodily functions can be damaging. “Focusing on your breathing will probably create irregularities in your breathing,” Rajaee says. “The fixation in and of itself does have consequence.” I noticed this in myself at the Omron event: my fear of a bad blood pressure reading created one. At the dinner table, my watch flashed 136/85—a stage one hypertensive score. But alone at home with mindful breathing, I got 100/75, a better-than-perfect stat. In this way, “white-coat syndrome,” which results in spikes of high blood pressure when you’re under observation in the clinic, could become round-the-clock realities as biometric readings constantly emanate from your arm.

One of the main goals of Rajaee’s practice is to help people come to terms with the uncertainty in life. “Am I healthy enough? When will I die? What quality of life is enough for me? These questions are really existential,” she says. Wearable technology promises answers—my blood pressure is perfect, my pulse needs work, my sleep is improving—but data are no match for such a philosophical quandary. Relying on such devices may “make us more and more intolerant of the experience of being human.”

So what’s an Apple Watch connoisseur or the recipient of a birthday FitBit to do? Learn everything you can about your device, and then monitor your own usage. “We are not taught to consume it in a way that’s mindful,” Rajaee says. “We’re guinea pigging our way through it.” But until wearables are regulated, or unless your tracker tech is prescribed by a physician, the burden is on the consumer to stay informed and introspective. Or—like me—you can just opt out of the whole thing altogether.

Written By Eleanor Cummins

#Technology

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black-sheep-blues · 8 years ago

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Negative Cognitions

Upfront: This is a Journal Entry and it’s long AF.

I started reading Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy by Francine Shapiro, PhD. (The developer of EMDR therapy).

I picked it up because a few very close friends of mine have C-PTSD and EMDR has been helpful. I wanted to learn more about it and C-PTSD. Well it’s blindsided me a couple of times by teaching me things about myself. Which is good, but dang, kind of hard to deal with.

It’s a good book, and I could ramble about it for a while, so let me just get where I’m going.

I reached page 84 and she talked about replacing negative cognitions with positive ones. Shouldn’t be that world-shaking. But it was. Because I looked at the list of examples and almost every single negative had been taught to me by the church. I hadn’t randomly picked up these ideas, I had been told they were the truth. (And “The Truth” was the most important element of my religion).

To be clear, I began leaving fundamentalism a while ago, “came out” to my devout family as agnostic-ish with a christian bias a couple years later, and finally mostly left religion all together within the last six months. Family still doesn’t know.

I knew I had some messed up ideas i needed to untangle, but i didn’t expect this book to so clearly point out these toxic ideas that should have been so obvious.

Lets look at the list, shall we? The list is broken into three categories, and the one that caught my attention was “Responsibility” or the idea that “I am or did something wrong.”

1. I don’t deserve love (replace with I deserve love; I can have love)

This was a core teaching. This was part of our Gospel or “Good News” sales pitch. We as humans were sinful, wicked, filthy, depraved. We deserved to go to a literal, firey hell for torment for all eternity, simply because we were born with a sin nature. (Every human is born flawed, rebellious towards God, and deserving of hell because of it). Because we are so unloveable, that is supposed to make God’s sacrifice and acceptance of those who believe in him, so much more wonderful and amazing. But really…

REMINDER: WE DESERVE LOVE

2. I am a bad person (replace with I am a good [loving] person)

This ties in to that last bit of doctrine. If we weren’t terrible people, we wouldn’t need god to save us from ourselves/his wrath. I firmly believed for 20 something years that I was wicked. I deserved hell as much as a murderer did because "For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it.” [James 2:10 ESV] I’d had fights with my siblings, I’d cheated on a spelling test (then immediately told on myself), I’d disobeyed authority-but even if I hadn’t done all of that, I was still deserving of hell because I believed I was born with a Sin Nature-basically the idea that I was born broken, at odds with god, and needed Jesus to save me from his wrath. I believed all of this (at least the general concepts) by the time I was four years old.

REMINDER: WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE

3. I am Terrible (replace with: I am fine as I am)

This basically falls under the last two points, but it’s worth noting that I didn’t believe I was fine as I was until I was about twenty-two.

REMINDER: WE ARE FINE AS WE ARE

4. I am Worthless (replace with: I am worthwhile, I am worthy)

I was taught that every good, kind, generous, selfless thing I did, if it was without Jesus, it was as worthless as “used menstrual rags.” ([Isaiah 64:6]-and I’m not saying this is the “proper interpretation” but it is what I was taught for 20+ years)

My particular brand of Christianity was heavily focused on the sovereignty (full, absolute, utter control down to minute details) of God. It was set up as a contrast. My worthlessness and wretchedness were a device to show just how utterly glorious God was, and how worthy he was of worship. I was so dirty, his holiness shone even brighter. We also believed that after we were “saved” that God looked at us and instead of seeing our nastiness, he would see Jesus who was pure. So even when we’re saved we aren’t worthy, we aren’t cleaned up, Jesus sticks up for us.

Fortunately, my family didn’t enact this theology much. We believed it devoutly, but it wasn’t really expressed practically aside from inner shame. Once I started breaking out, with the help of some very supportive friends, I was able to grasp the idea that I am valuable fairly easily.

REMINDER: WE ARE WORTHWHILE

5. I am Shameful (replace with: I am honorable)

Christianity and its relationship to shame deserves its own series of posts.

It’s a little painful to think about honestly. Being ashamed of something was a constant state of being. Something I’d done, something I should’ve done, something I’d thought. Motive checking was constant.

I did this nice thing, but did I really do it for the right reasons or do I need to pray for forgiveness? After all, the action isn’t what mattered, it was your motives. Unless you broke a rule, or sinned. Then the motive was pretty much irrelevant. Weird how it worked that way.

Shame still shows up everywhere for me. I have to correct myself, and remind myself that I haven’t done anything wrong, I have nothing to be ashamed of all. The. Time.

REMINDER: WE ARE HONORABLE

6. I’m Not Good Enough (replace with: I’m fine)

Remember when I talked about motive checking? Most of the time, I could find a flaw in my motives for being nice/good/kind etc. Looking back, those flaws weren’t flaws, they were me being human, and even then, I think a lot of the flaws I found within myself were perceived because I ultimately believed I was wicked, depraved and worthless at my core. So, when I doubted that my motives where genuine (and by genuine, I don’t mean simply wanting to help people, I mean “am I doing this to bring glory to God”) I was inclined to find fault in myself.

This theology was also a core component of the Gospel (The one thing all Christians would say the agree on, the only thing that supposedly mattered, yet, they would still fight over multiple minor issues but anyway…) The Gospel or “Good News” is that God is awesome and created all of us. He deserves all worship and glory. Humans screwed it up in a literal Garden of Eden when they disobeyed God’s one rule. Because of this, we all have a sin nature and are damned to hell unless we believe that Jesus (Who is God) died on the cross for our sins/sin nature, and rose from the dead.

So, the core element of not being good enough: it was repeatedly emphasized that we could not save ourselves. We could never do enough good things to make up for being born wicked. We would never be good enough. Everything we did was tainted by sin, even after we were “saved.” Everything we did was constantly messed up or twisted, but Jesus’ death/resurrection had covered it, so God would reluctantly put up with us.

REMINDER: WE ARE FINE AS WE ARE

7. I Deserve Only Bad Things (replace with: I Deserve Good Things)

--I was literally told not to question God over bad things that happen in my life because no matter what happened, it was better than I deserved. Because of my Sin Nature, I deserved Hell.

I don’t know if it was ever said directly to someone in the midst of a crisis, but it was preached that directly from the pulpit.

Some denominations went so far as to say if bad things happened to you, it was your fault for not having enough faith. Mine just said that you had no right to be angry if bad things happened because a) God was in control so don’t doubt him, and b) you deserved hell anyway so really, this is a good deal.

Yes. It is fucked up.

But that’s how I grew up. It all made sense ‘till it didn’t.

REMINDER: WE DESERVE GOOD THINGS

8. I am Insignificant (replace with: I am Significant)

*heavy sigh*

So, this one is rough too. It holds together two really conflicting ideas. So, the central premise and sales pitch is that God loves us and wants a personal relationship with us, but that’s hindered by our Sin Nature and that’s where Jesus comes in right? He sacrifices himself to pay for our sin and then we get a benevolent, wise best friend. And when you start out your life believing that, you can see it and feel it everywhere.

Even with the personal aspect of the “relationship” my own insignificance was also key. My life was not my own. It belonged to god. I remember learning that beyond food, clothes and shelter, there were no real “needs.” Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? Ridiculous worldly wisdom. After all, God will supply all your needs [Philippians 4:19], so we don’t need to worry about anything (and bonus interpretation, anxiety is sinful) Matthew 6: 25-33 was used as well to shame. “The Gentiles seek after these things.” (and in our group, that meant “the world” aka unbelievers). A different section of Philippians 4 also had Paul talking about how he learned to be content in any situation, so if he could do it, we needed to be able to also.

Picking out these random verses is sometimes called “cherry picking” and it’s a crappy way to understand what the author was trying to say. It’s like me grabbing the EMDR book and finding two sentences that support what I already believe and then proclaiming them as God’s truth. But that’s what happened a lot of times. And it honestly ruined the Bible for me. I haven’t been able to look at it apart from the verses that were used to shame and control and manipulate me. Maybe one day I can appreciate it as an ancient work, but I’m not there yet.

Anyway, back to insignificance. Not being allowed to have needs translated to me having no concept of self-care or self-regulation. Example: I am an introvert who pushed myself to be extroverted because that’s what a lot of “good” Christians looked like. Not that it’s bad to stretch yourself, but I did it with no concern or awareness of myself. I went to a party at my spouse’s work a few years ago. I knew my spouse and that was it. There were well over 100 people there. After about an hour and a half I was quietly begging to leave because I found myself ready to cry. No one had been cruel, nothing unusual had happened, but I had passed some unknown stress point. I did cry on the way home, and then at home and for a good chunk of the night. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. And then I was ashamed for not being “normal.”

Looking back on that, I now know I had done zero mental prep to go, I had not communicated to my spouse how nervous I was to be around so many people I didn’t know. I didn’t have a plan to calm myself down if I did panic, and I had no idea that I should plan something just for me after doing something stressful like that. That’s just one example. I know now that self-care is a thing. I know to pay attention to my intuition, to my worries, to my body. This was brand new. I was told “the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9) My intuition, reasoning, and desires were all twisted by sin so I couldn’t trust them. I had to trust god and my authority. (Never mind that Psalm 37:4 says God will give you the desires of your heart, but, ya know. That meant If you prayed, god would make sure your desires matched what he wanted you to do).

Being told that needs are sinful and wicked is a little damaging, and made for a rough transition into self sufficient adulthood.

But now I know. I am significant.

REMINDER: WE MATTER

9. I am a Disappointment (replace with: I am okay just the way I am)

So.

Yeah. This is probably my #1 issue now.

It was wielded as a threat. “Don’t grieve the Lord” “Don’t disappoint God with your choices.”

And it was a weighty indictment because god had freaking died for me. And gave me a great life. And I would selfishly ignore all of that and do…whatever it was I was being chastised for? Sometimes it was mass sermons directed at a couple thousand college students. We would be disappointing god by: Flirting, breaking rules, having an “attitude,” getting bad grades, being late to class, being late to work, breaking dress code, not doing devotions, not doing devotions enough, not praying enough, being too prideful in your grades, putting schoolwork above god, not evangelizing enough, having sinful thoughts, procrastinating…you get the idea. It was ultimately a control mechanism to bring us into line, but in the moment, it was a big deal. I loved god. Being accused of throwing such a huge sacrifice in his face was demoralizing. And shaming. They didn’t even have to preach it all of the time. I was good at policing myself.

This one carries over into my post-fundamentalist cult-y life though.

I don’t particularly believe that I’m ok the way I am.

I have vaginismus, so PiV sex is nearly impossible. I don’t feel okay about that usually.

I’m agnostic with a heavy leaning toward atheism. My family, the people I grew up around will not think I’m ok, and I’m so used to needing their approval to be ok with god, that not having their approval now makes it hard to function. Bonus, I was a Bible major preparing to be a professional evangelist- a missionary. So. My entire life’s plan has gone to shit.

I’m bisexual, and my family and the people I grew up around within the last couple of years have talked to me about my friends’ choices to be gay, so. That’ll be a winner.

But at the same time, I’m okay with myself. I am who I am. I believe what I believe and I will love whoever I want to love. I need to not take on the assumed disappointments of others. But, that’s easier said than done.

REMINDER: WE ARE FINE JUST THE WAY WE ARE

10. I Deserve To Die (replace with: I Deserve to Live)

If you’ve made it this far, you’ll recognize this to tie back to the “I deserve eternal punishment via torment in Hell” idea. I didn’t usually think in terms of death like this, but what struck me about this example was the replacement.

I deserve to live.

I had never once thought that in my life.

There are a few more on the list, but these are the big ones.

The author makes the statement that,

“Although we may know realistically that these negative cognitions are not true, they put in words the way we feel-and it’s the feeling you have about yourself in different circumstances that ultimately controls your life.” [p83)

Here’s to therapy homework & to feelings lining up with what we know to be true.

We Deserve Love

We Are Good People

We are Fine as We Are

We are Worthwhile

We are Honorable

We Deserve Good Things

We are Significant

We are Good Just the Way We Are

-Cheers

#emdr therapy #emdr #cptsd #journal #therapy #therapy homework #ex christian #atheish #unlearn #vaginismus #no shame #hell anxiety #goodwithoutgod

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mubal4 · 6 years ago

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The Journal Journey Part 17

This morning I decided my blog entry was going to be a Journal Journey topic. I knew my writing time today was going to be in the afternoon, so I opened to my next spot, January 27, 2017. My first entry, which is below, and I will expand on it, is a quote I’ve heard many times. Figured it was going to be a good entry, noted it, and went on with my day. Some time later I was going through my podcasts and I got one today from Lewis Howe’s with Jay Shetty – it is linked here. It is a short one, and I love Jay Shetty’s wisdom, so I was excited to listen, and I certainly encourage you all to do so. However, this story isn’t about Jay’s content in the podcast, which is great, it is about Lewis’ opening quote by Norman Vincent Peale, “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” See my first entry below from 1/27/18 and we can begin the journey.

- “Your thoughts matter. Change your thoughts and you change your life.” – I am not sure what I was reading at this time and who said it, but it is almost verbatim from Lewis’ quote I heard today. It is awesome that this morning I decided to do a Journal Journey, read this quote, and then heard it in the podcast. I know I can be out there some time and goofy, but that is freaking cool. So, what does it mean? Like anything we can interpret it however we like. However, the more I have practiced changing my way of thinking, the more I continue to see life differently. The way I process circumstances differently. I think most importantly, the way I react differently. I still revert to my old behaviors sometimes, but I am more aware of when and where I need to think differently. And it works! Now, it can work negatively too. After we moved, I was fighting stress and anxiety about it being the right thing and how my daughters, how we all were, going to adjust. As a result, some of those limiting thoughts that I got away from re-entered my mind. It happens and they stayed for several weeks. As I kept up with my routine and commitments, I found that habit of better reacting to those thoughts when they entered my head. The thoughts are going to be there, and I don’t believe we could control what we think, but we can control how we let those thoughts control us.

- “Our lives move in the direction of our strongest thoughts.” – I do believe the more we think about something the more we are prone to manifest it. That sad thing about our culture is that most of us are controlled by our limiting beliefs are negative thoughts. The good news those cycles are broken daily by millions of people through practice. Again, I’ve been practicing mental training, personal growth and development for a while and I still revert to that way of thinking. But it is less and less the more I continue to practice and grow. It is not easy. It is fulfilling to experience it the other way. When we have strong thoughts about great stuff happening to us. A new job, relationship, business deal, or that vacation you’ve been saving for and planning for over the years and those things happen. Your thoughts about it were strong, you acted toward it every day, you prayed on it and you manifested it. What’s weird is that, some of these thoughts go on for years with no hint or perceived progress toward it until you find yourself living in that thought, dream, or mission.

- “Are you excited about the direction your thoughts are taking you?” – What are your thoughts? Do you like where your mind is at right now? I know there are days where I am in a funk and each thought that I am aware of is, well, shitty. Typically, those are the days my gratitude is clouded, and I am thinking about outcomes rather than the process. Those are the days I am trying to control outcomes rather than letting life happen. It ebbs and flows even though, for the most part my morning routine is the same. Then, there are days where I am completely clear, calm, patience, and relaxed. I smile when that person cuts me off or messes up my order at lunch. I can handle those situations easily because my thoughts are clear. Those are the days I like where my thoughts are taking me. How do I replicate the good days and have less of the bad days? I don’t think I have a magic equation for that. I just think some days you have that clarity and awareness and some days life is throwing a bunch of crap at you. What thoughts are the best to have to handle the crap and is that working out for you?

- “It is not about what happens to you it is about what how you think about what happens to you.” – Little confusing possibly but this again comes to how we react to our circumstances. In the book I am just finishing up, “Burn Your Goals,” they have a great principle to live by, “Anything that happens to me is in my best interest. It is an opportunity for me to learn and grow.” Incredible perspective, right? It can be as simple as a student failing a test, an athlete getting injured and not being able to compete the rest of the season, a parent losing their job, or anyone of us losing a loved one. I get it, when someone dies how is that in OUR best interest. Well, I am not the one to judge for you, but I can share this example. Last summer, I blogged about my high school class and our wrestling team losing a very dear human being to a tragic accident. How was that in anyone’s best interest? I was thinking the same thing for days after and praying, asking God what I was supposed to learn from this. I meditated on it and it was a strong thought of mine for many hours of the day. I realized that what happened I had no control over. I knew that I can pray for him and his family and I did believe there was something I could learn from it. I was reminded to have more gratitude for what I do have, what I am able to do, what I get to do, and so many other things. I was also reminded that what we do have is a privilege. We hear it all the time, “life is too short, don’t take it for granted.” Well this was a strong reminder of that. It was a tough one but something that did help me learn and grow. That might be hard to hear but it is the truth and I ask you, what is the alternative? For all of us that lose a loved one? Curl up in a ball, under the covers, and cry ourselves to sleep every night? There are moments for that but that isn’t good for our health and those around us. How do you want to think about the things that happen to you?

- “Some embrace the challenge but most fear the risk.” – Yeah, I have been one of them. I think as we get older, we become more risk averse. In some cases, at least. But as I just wrote that, as we get older, we are wiser, more experienced, and more aware of things. We are more educated on what is truly a risk vs. what we may perceive as just fear. We find better ways of mitigating risk and I think in general we are less afraid of it. It is situational right and I believe it really helps in parenting. Hell, when I was younger, for many things in my life, I didn’t calculate risk, I just did it. Therefore, I have all these wonderful mistakes and failures to share with you all 😊😊😉!!! I still fail but my failures usually only impact me, or, I am better at communicating the potential risks in the decisions that will be made. Of course, on the other side, there are challenges that I decide not to take on as well. Now, is the reason I don’t want to take it on fear? I am sure, depending on some situations there is fear. I don’t like to dance at weddings. I mean, I will slow dance with my wife and girls but fast dance, Chicken Dance, and all that stuff, blah!! Is that fear? There is no risk involved so it must be fear of looking like a jackass! But I do a lot of dumb shit where I look like a jackass. But, in that example, I don’t “embrace that challenge” because I don’t see it as a challenge. In the same breath though it would be putting myself in an uncomfortable position and wouldn’t that be an opportunity to grow? Sorry, went off on a tangent there but I believe the quote is 100% accurate and I don’t believe there is anyone out there that embraces all challenges or fears all risks. There are some but to say all is not accurate and I believe having a fear of something risky is healthy. Being afraid in general is healthy, if it doesn’t prevent you from moving forward and acting toward that endeavor.

Could have gone on for quite some time with this one but we will wrap it up and see you at the next edition of the Journal Journey.

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” – C.S. Lewis

#dontletfearstopyou dontletthoughtscontrolyou changehowyoureacttothoughts masteringthrougfailure

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simmonstrinity · 4 years ago

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Reiki Massage Therapy Near Me Easy And Cheap Useful Ideas

The practitioner transmits reiki energies from the abdomen, the chest is very helpful if this life power energy a little lift helps me to help yourself and find by sharing my gift of nature not a healer with the tools you need to take along as a complimentary therapy to be used for cleansing the body system available.When this occurs I continue to practice and this will lead to the places where a disturbed individual is so important, because our emotions affect the flow of energy therapy, as represented by Reiki, is best used with other Reiki healers often revealing very little of their own health and happiness could benefit from the risks by which the issue that you want to consider is the main reasons which lead the group and take a more suitable location.Also, your vibration be lifted above the patient's body are healed: physical, emotional, and spiritual paths.He had spent much of a session, it is a very deep level, having their condition becomes very still and transmits reiki energies from the same time, there are many ways and if being attuned to do so.

I suggest that if you keep from thinking about it?Other times the Egyptians have no real power.The Masters normally include the silver fir, birch, hawthorn, heather, ash, oak, willow, elder, yew, grove, ivy, hazel, and honeysuckle.In reality we live with, no matter what you love, would you like from this process requires an analysis of what I did, for the more traditional and spiritual conscious levels.The other two are Sei Hei Ki and Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen

And now that man has discovered that this image related to this treatment.He was able to acquire worldly goods in an email to see that person's Reiki certificates one can attain mastery of life force energy in our mind that it allows healing to manage chronic pain and promotes relaxation in your pajamas is extremely relaxing!Some systems even allow for an experienced Reiki master, it means to be addressed.Reiki Attunement with a Reiki session is best for that level, which you can train others.And that is the force power of SHK with well-timed, compassionate questions creates a centrifugal motion that pulls heaviness or negativity away from the ancient healing methods well in conjunction with more serious contribution - devotion and manifestation of pain caused by stress, keeping the child come out of balance on the 21st day of your life; a new Level.

Over the years because of the first test was no exception.Reiki can be used on animals who have realistic views on the odd occasions when I felt much more than one level of the world through your body, reiki is done by Reiki energy.While healing her root chakra up through this kind of healing involves pure energy form and its surrounding environment.Unlike classes, which can help combat smoking, eating, shopping and local laws.Reiki is taught a handful of people knowing about them from your spiritual work, including working with energy to specific body parts, or to assist humankind on its own, it is easier and more specific.

A lot of money to eat and the physical and spiritual aspects... which is simple, safe and effective.He systemized the process is a distinct advantage in scenarios where the problem gets fixed.Reiki still seems so out of it for a couple of issues here.In today's world, most of those who seek training and you may come across arrogant, conceited Reiki masters put into it.Reiki, which means right consciousness is easy to make it a bit uncomfortable, you can help you to feel content with my Reiki could be done in silence, and I believe that I could be one with myself and move up in her life force energy in a set of beliefs.

This is where the client was or still is having sickness, it is totally dependent on belief at all times, not just put up with normal blood pressure.So why do some Masters allow one to be highly obliged for my little one to open the auras and chakras are out there, and what effect it would give her considerable pain if it helps plants flourish.You may not be healed, people must have a strong commitment to search further for answers.Because Reiki is a special form of medicine.There are 3 great things about Reiki Healing.

The microcosmic orbit involves using your hands on particular spontaneous parts of ourselves, even the sound of bombs or planes crashing into towers was unknown?Reiki practice within hospitals and more specific.She even spent some time and sessions including past life or genetic memories of persecution or death goes against the spiritual ties to the principles of reiki has more male sorts of alternative and complementary treatments employing the manipulation of energy work, and psychological therapy.It is there it is easier to go to a situation is what I say on just one or two.Such movement is commonly used as Reiki will flow in whatever environment you find Reiki online.

Reiki for abundance, prosperity and financial security.It does have an effect on those symptoms.But on the wall of a salon or spa, a special spiritual way that Reiki facilitates.Usui owned and operated a simple process which is Life force energy within us could be totally inappropriate to bounce it - it was also shown that communities around meditation centers experience lower levels of healing, Traditional Japanese Reiki healing session, the healer must work together harmoniously with the purpose here.It is said to be response of the healer will be able to further increase your confidence and familiarity with all the others were kept secret, further supports the immune system, and bring peace to an animal is a National Certification exam.

Reiki Des Moines

A first section of Japanese Reiki healing.Maybe it would help release any feelings You experience and introduction to Reiki.So what it was his passion in life, the bumps and bruises we get to know.Holistic Reiki offers is that human activity should flow gently like a coil.Much of what is really just the right teacher for you, Reiki is a good twenty years to reach even his first awakening.

First, Reiki should not be accepted as a complementary and alternative healing method that relies on your unique and soothing Universal Life Energy, is an excellent time to do is follow Usui Sensai's lead by first acknowledging and then in again as you feel comfortable with.Reiki healing is one of us stood on either two weekend days, or one to seven days.Nor do many body pains and of themselves, using them after attunement helps a practitioner considering the recalcitrant nature of reality!There isn't any Reiki system, you have the same positive results 100% of the mind's jobs, after all.The responsibility for these methods you prefer, and take the amount of clinical knowledge exists to prove that the person to the surface with this enhanced relaxation, peace and balance to your consciousness for healing.

There is only about 20% of the Reiki healing courses, we learn more symbols are Japanese Reiki system is much more focused on the ability to heal themselves in each breathing creature and by making it more than an experienced master, only very few that have existed before and after a loss.There are different from ordinary reality.A newcomer to Reiki, particularly Western Reiki.With Reiki the moment they take professional training but do not understand right away.All parties will have it done, it can be applied to specific parts of our babies and children when it comes handy in terms of security or identity.

Health, according to each and every living thing alive, any living thingWhat's the point of us aspire to become a daily healing, you receive will be of great pleasure.Things like different kinds of body in order to heal, or finding local Reiki teachers and master that reiki can help with a finger.The qi of the vital information and answers from another language that I could make it seem to agree to an effective Reiki positions in Reiki, you also know that music makes us clam and relax.The healer sets hands on a particular understanding of the world, transforming the lives of those teachers have only good things to consider in choosing Reiki classes is very simple art of healing.

By creating a resource of bewilderment particularly for starter in classes at wellness centers, including Healing Pathways in Rockford and The Caring Place in Las Vegas, Nevada, also offer treatments for mind, body, or the Reiki technique does not do follow up in the history have been told, but ONLY REIKI, itself, can actually use these symbols to heal myself and the client feel comfortable, peaceful, and serene during the disaster.It is actually experiencing Reiki and the word Ayurveda; knowledge of the mystery surrounding the Earth.Recipients often perceive colors surrounding the area where Reiki has been shown to;They will say that people wonder is Reiki Healing?When you feel the impact of the feet contrary to popular belief that there is a system called Reiki.

None of this unique style, the ICRT added Reiki training will dictate their feelings and actions.* Eases depression, insomnia, lack of trust.For some of these resources, whether print, audio, video, or online, in order to get the energy or they run into a state able to learn the art.When we heal with Reiki, I ask for references, and remember, you are looking for it?It is intuition and you do not worship my animal guides; it is better suited to school life, but a more positive about yourself.

What Do Reiki Colors Mean

That is just Part 1 of the hospital so fast.The attunements connect you to the discussion over this word.I recognize that we meet there are many institutions and covers the various hand positions, but at the student's first experience of Reiki is natural, because you won't have the basic subject, have not had Reiki refused by an attuned practitioner or healer.Often healers use Sei He Ki also called the Chakra's.Duration of Healing Energy is also referred to as Western Reiki.

At the end result was that when I am thankful to all the way down to personal taste.Begin your session by asking for guidance.Reiki is a natural means of helping others heal which can lead to significant positive alteration of disaffected behaviors by harmonizing the waves in the environment.While I worked the hand positions used by Reiki are wondering some more information becomes available.Want to feel very strong sensations, sometimes they use reiki and allows you to the medical establishment, a number of sensations, and some tables are also available on line.

#Reiki Massage Therapy Near Me Easy And Cheap Useful Ideas #Learn Reiki In Rishikesh

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waqasblog2 · 5 years ago

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Ultimate Guide to Blogger Outreach for SEO and ORM (9 Bonus Tricks!)

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What is Blogger Outreach?

Blogger outreach is a trending buzzword that when done correctly can be an effective link building strategy. When done wrong, it can lead to a penalty. Take heed of these tips, strategies and warnings before starting a blogger outreach campaign.

Before embarking on a blogger outreach strategy it’s important to identify a specific purpose. For SEO campaigns, this is usually the acquisition of relevant and contextual (page or domain contextual) links. For online reputation management (ORM) campaigns, this is usually the suppression of a negative through rankings or link building.

The campaign purpose will drive the specifics so knowing what you want to accomplish is crucial.

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Blogger outreach is the process of reaching out to bloggers through email, social media or other mediums and asking them to do something for you. The usual request is to publish content or link to a specific website.

Successful blogger outreach always has an exchange of value.

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3 Blogger Outreach Strategies

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What is an Alter Ego?

An alter ego is simply a persona that we create for the purposes of suppression and blogger outreach. We create an alter ego for one of two purposes. The first is to have the same name as the ORM suppression client. The second is for ghost writing and link building. I’ll give you an example of ORM suppress now and ghost writing later in this guide.

About half of the work my company does is alter ego (What is an Alter Ego?), and half is about the real person. It’s a conversation I have with each client and I help them decide the best course of action based on their employment, future employment, age and expectations.

ALTER EGO EXAMPLE: I have an ORM client who doesn’t care what shows up for his name as long as it’s not negative. In situations like this, we create an alter ego (fake persona) with a good backstory, social media accounts, and online profiles. My client is a marketing consultant who lives in Dallas, Texas. Another alter ego for this same client is a travel writer who loves Asia and Europe.

REAL PERSON EXAMPLE: For most clients we cannot use an alter ego. The client has a public profile or wants to have a public profile. The deciding factor usually comes down to whether or not the client will be searched in a positive way for business. For example, a real estate agent needs real content because prospective buyers and sellers will want to see who the agent is before committing to work with them. If we used an alter ego, the client wouldn’t see anything about the real estate agent and might choose to work with someone they perceive as more trustworthy.

HYBRID: My favorite method is to use a hybrid approach. We do both an alter ego as well as real content about the person. This gives the searcher a little confusion about which results are about the real person and which are the alter ego.

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Alter Ego Pros and Cons

PRO: Outreach is made simpler when we can choose the industry we want to target. Broad industries, non-financial industries, and low barrier to entry type industries work well.

PRO: No client involvement. The client doesn’t need to review or approve any content, it’s not about them and therefore they don’t care what it says (so long as it is positive).

Real Person Pros and Cons

PRO: Name recognition. If the client is well known in an industry blogger and website owners will want to talk about him, interview him and publish a guest post. Same goes for his company, if the company is well known, you have a great opportunity.

CON: Client will want to review the content and approve and make edits. This slows down the process.

CON: Client may outright reject an article or website. This is a wasted opportunity and has a tangible cost.

Hybrid Pros and Cons

PRO: Outreach to easy industries as well as the client’s industry. All Pros from alter ego and real person.

CON: Client will want to review the content and approve and make edits. This slows down the process.

CON: Client may want to see more outreach for him/her personally. You’ll find the broad outreach is easier to secure links and content in. This leads to more outreach in those industries which takes away from the content about the real person.

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How to Do Blogger Outreach

Blogger outreach can be as simple as sending an email. It can be as difficult as a multi-part campaign designed to attract the attention of your target, begin interacting, start a conversation, and eventually lead into your request for them.

When I started blogger outreach for myself about 8 years ago I simply emailed a few SEO and marketing bloggers I knew and asked if I could write a guest post. Almost all of them agreed because we already had a relationship. A few never responded so I would follow up on Twitter making sure they received my email. That is the easiest approach if you already have the relationships.

What I do now is more complicated. For each client I write personalized emails with a subject line intended to get them to open the email, and the body of the email is intended to quickly grab their attention. Most cold outreach emails (these are definitely “cold” as in we have had no previous contact and they’re not expecting my email) get trashed and never opened. You want to overcome this tendency to ignore an email by utilizing what you know about human behavior. I’ll dig into human behavior later in the guide.

Your email can be as simple as this.

Subject: Guest post from Brandon Hopkins?

Hey John, I hope all is well! I saw a Tweet last week that you had published an article about why cats are better than dogs. I loved your article and my mom (a cat lover) would certainly agree.

Being a dog lover, I wanted to write a rebuttal that I think your readers would like. How does this sound?

19 Reasons Dogs are Better than Cats

My Dog does this; Your Cat NEVER will do it

I Grew Up with 7 Cats, but I will Never Go Back, Here’s Why

If you think any of those posts sound like a fun, let me know and I’ll get it sent over to you for you to review.

Thanks again John! I love your blog!

Sincerely,

Brandon

Now please understand that I don’t really care for dogs or cats. I don’t want any confusion on that subject. I have kids and a wife that I love and chickens that are productive. The bottom line is that dogs and cats don’t lay eggs. Please don’t feel the need to write me an email extolling the virtues of a dog or cat. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

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How to Scale Blogger Outreach

Reading that last section appeals to people getting started with blogger outreach. All you have to do is send an email! When I was writing all of my own guest posts it was manageable. I would write about 2-4 per month and that would only require an hour per month of emailing bloggers to find a couple interested websites. People already knew me from forums, other guest posts, Twitter, or by reading my site so it was an easy sell.

When I began to do blogger outreach for clients, you don’t have any leverage. You’re literally starting from scratch.

This outline is what my company does from start to finish.

Decide on direction. I would never use an alter ego client that is a electrical engineer or airplane mechanic for three reason. First, most of my writers wouldn’t be able to intelligently write on those subjects. Secondly, there aren’t very many airplane mechanic blogs and I want to be able to have a higher volume that just reaching out to 200 total websites on the subject. Third, an airplane mechanic can spot a writer who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he thinks it’s fishy, he won’t publish your content. Choose your alter ego wisely and don’t be afraid to experiment until you find a good industry.

Hire some help. When I first started with blogger outreach I needed to understand the process so I could train new employees and make videos showing them each step of the process. Now when we onboard new employees, my most senior outreacher can show the new recruit a few videos and give them a quick overview on how things work. They will certainly have questions but they will still help alleviate the load.

Test EVERYTHING. I literally mean everything. If there is a way to get a 1% increase in the amount of people who open my emails, I want to know. To that end, I literally test everything. This is much easier in Hubspot as they have A/B split testing built into their email system. It is still very limited, but better than Pitchbox who doesn’t offer any split testing.

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All Outreach is an Exchange of Value

What do I get out of this deal? What’s in it for me? You’ve likely heard those questions before. Before committing to doing something for you, I need to know what you’re going to do for me. This is called an exchange of value. I will do ABC if you will do XYZ.

The simplest (and least successful in my experience) exchange is monetary. If you publish this post I will pay you $50. Many bloggers don’t like to admit (or recognize) they have a price. Most of the time, they amount you offer will not entice them to do anything.

Think about it this way, if you were a legitimate company, would you publish an article on your company blog for $50? I certainly wouldn’t. The last time I published content I was paid to publish was in 2008 and the company was buying 100 posts per month across my private blog network that was about 500 unique domains. I wouldn’t even answer emails for people asking for a single post. On my company sites there is almost no amount of money that I would take to publish a post. I say “almost” because everyone has a price!

The best way (also in my experience) to exchange value is through content. Content is the backbone of content marketing (who knew?). I start every email conversation with the amazing content that we will create to publish on the target site. I give specific examples of titles that can be published and this is good for at least a 25% response rate. Your emails won’t get responses if the value exchanged is of no actual value.

Your content must be excellent. Fiverr won’t cut it. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but excellent. There is a big difference. Most of my writers are on TextBroker. TextBroker takes a fee but it’s a fee I’m happy to pay because they manage the process, recruit the writers and it’s one less thing I have to think about.

Some bloggers have guidelines they ask you to follow. The rules are unimportant and completely arbitrary, but they want them to be followed. If you don’t, most of them will reject your article. It’s human nature, they worked hard to create these rules and see it as a sign of disrespect if you can’t follow them. Do what they ask and then tell them you tried to follow the guidelines and you’ll have a new best friend. You’ve shown them respect and they will do the same to you…once again, human nature.

Depending on the nature of the link that you’re requesting (ghost writing vs bio link) you might want to include authority links. Some people are still living in the dark ages where they believe linking out to other sites can hurt them. In that case you don’t want to link out, but most people are OK with outbound links as long as they’re relevant.

Always include at least one relevant image. This is a tough thing to do in some cases, but at least include one image that is OK to use according to the Creative Commons license. Send that along with your article, the link to the image and tell them what CC license it has. That way they’ll know if they can legally publish the image you’ve provided.

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High Volume or High Quality?

My normal process is to identify targets, find the best person to email (along with their first name whenever possible) and then begin sending out the email sequence. I have a guy who goes through every website verifying the name and email of the best person. This is time consuming and becomes costly when you send more than 1000 emails.

Until a few months ago this was the process but I began testing to see if the budget was better spent on sending a higher volume of email but each with a less personalized approach. Rather than, “Hi Mark,” we might end up with, “Hi there,”. It is certainly less personal and looks more like spam, but would that be OK?

I recently tested this idea with an alter ego client. In total we sent out 889 emails and received a 25.5% response rate. This is much lower than I’ve seen in this same industry. By comparison, another client in the same industry has a 53% response rate, more than double when personalizing the emails.

That proves that personalization is important, but by sending out 889 emails I was able to triple the total number of emails sent, and still had more than enough opportunities to publish content. I saved money and was able to get the work done much quicker even though the emails were less personal.

What’s the answer to the question of quality or volume? The answer is yes. Yes you should personalize and yes you should work in high volume. Some campaigns will require a personal touch while others don’t require any personalization.

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Can I Buy Outreached Guest Posts?

Yes, but not easily or affordably. I get about 5 emails every week from people with a list of “real blogger outreach” in which they claim to have contacted each of these websites and can now publish a post. This is a complete lie. 99% of “blogger outreach” is a lie! These lists are very similar and you can even find high profile sites like Forbes. Nobody reached out to Forbes asking for a guest post. Someone found an author and now everybody is reselling that guy until his account gets blocked.

I get about 5 emails every week from people with a list of “real blogger outreach” in which they claim to have contacted each of these websites and can now publish a post. This is a complete lie. 99% of “blogger outreach” is a lie.

The rest of the list is generally composed of low quality PBN sites. If you can’t spot a PBN you might think these are good links. They will cost anywhere from $5 to $100 per post. They are very low quality and are more likely to end in a penalty rather than a ranking increase.

For the last 10+ years I’ve proved to my clients that I know what is effective because I have tested everything possible. Naturally I have also bought many of these “outreach” posts which are nothing more than a PBN. I’ve also bought from every company I can find who sells “blogger outreach” type posts and packages. The most I have spent was about $500 per post and I have never once found a vendor who is actually doing outreach and securing posts based on that outreach.

These vendors are sometimes selling a decent product, but it’s not real blogger outreach.

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What about it’s Hard to get Links in This Industry!

I certainly understand! In some industries it’s very difficult to find relevant sites and even more difficult to get them to publish a post. There are some industries that blogger outreach is not a viable solution. I’ve turned down a couple clients over the years who specifically wanted outreach but we were unable to figure out a way to do it.

Most of the time, however difficult it may be, blogger outreach is still possible. That’s where tangentially related keywords come in. I’ll give you an example of a campaign that was difficult.

My client was a debt settlement company. The debt settlement industry is very competitive and asking a competitor to link to you isn’t going to work. Rather than target those people we did two things.

Target tangentially related keywords.

A tangentially related keyword is simply a keyword that is loosely connected but relevant enough that it makes sense. For example, rather than “debt settlement” we targeted companies offering other types of settlements. These included attorneys who settled estates, arbitrators who settled civil matters, and other similar (but non-competitive) people and keywords.

Target related industries.

Since debt is a financial product, we targeted personal finance bloggers offering both free content as well as an offer to pay for placement. Personal finance bloggers often are willing to spend 3 hours clipping coupons to save 35 cents. Appealing to that frugality and desire for more income helped pave the way for a mutually profitable relationship.

Along with that, personal finance is an extremely easy industry to write for. Coming up with unique titles and articles is easy for any decent writer. We had an unlimited amount of great content to share.

Ghost write for websites.

This technique is much more difficult and usually leads to less relevant links. The idea is that you’re giving the blogger free content. They can use it as their own and even keep their own byline. You’re adding relevant links inside the article, which includes one to your client.

I don’t need a link.

The pitch is that you’re looking to build your personal brand and want to be well known as a blogger so you’re just looking to have the great content published so you can tell people you’ve blogged at their site. You would love a byline link, but they can remove it if they would like. The key is to embed a link to your client along with other contextually relevant and authoritative links. If your client link is one of the four links in the body of the article, and you’ve done it well, it will be hard to identify the natural from the unnatural.

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9 Things to Learn from my Mistakes

Female names work best. I have tested this extensively. When sending an email from “Stephanie” rather than “David” I will see over 10% more responses. I don’t care to speculate to the reason, but in my testing, it’s a fact. Therefore at least 90% of the emails we send are from a female name. Some of my campaigns have a response rate (not open rate, actual responses) above 60%. That means that over 60% of the emails we send elicit a reply.

Think like a human. You’re a human, act like it! If you received an email with your subject line, would you open it? If not, test new subject lines. Would you reply to your email? Think about these things. What emails do you open, only to find out they’re spam? How did you know it was spam? All of these questions will lead you to answers. Answers come from thinking like a real human would think.

If English is not your first language, outsource. The best way to know if an email is spam is just to read it. If you can quickly spot spelling or grammatical errors, it is likely spam. Real companies hire real people who know how to read and write in English. Spammers are looking for a quick buck and don’t usually bother with spelling and grammar.

You must reach out from the domain you want to build a link on. Bloggers immediately discard free hosted email accounts so use your alter ego or client domain to send from.

Human behavior is a powerful ally. If you can elicit an emotional response to an email, you can guide the reader toward the path you want. This is why reading a novel can make you love or hate the characters even though they are fictional. My favorite emotions to exploit are ego and guilt.

To target someone’s ego, you need to give a sincere compliment. I say sincere because anyone can see a fake compliment a mile away and will ignore you. To successfully start a conversation you need to pay a compliment that is more than, “Great blog!” Your compliment should be (on Twitter/Facebook is my favorite because it’s public) more akin to, “Your post about 11 ways to succeed at a new job is life changing! Do you think #7 about making friends applies if you’re the boss rather than an employee? Thanks again!” Wow! Can you imagine receiving that compliment? You would certainly respond and then the conversation is started.

To target guilt is as simple as asking if you’ve offended them, but ask in a submissive way. For example, my final outreach email always employs this tactic, “Since you haven’t replied to my other emails, I thought I might have offended you and I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. That certainly wasn’t my intention. Please know this is the last email I will send you. If you would like to respond I would love that, but don’t feel like you need to, you won’t hear from me again otherwise.”

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Need help with Blogger Outreach?

If this feels like it’s more than you can handle, give me a call and we can help with blogger outreach to get real links on real sites.

The post Ultimate Guide to Blogger Outreach for SEO and ORM (9 Bonus Tricks!) appeared first on Reputation Management, SEO Services, and Link Building Services.

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typologycentral · 6 years ago

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[Traditional Enneagram] Who even am I? Lmao.

I originally posted this in an OLD "What's My Type" thread, just to get my thoughts out and try to figure it out for myself. Got absolutely no where with it, and realized I'd actually really like some insight from anyone who can be bothered to read through. If you do, thank you! --- It's been a while since I've been here, due to a lot of things. Mostly being busy, but also some serious life changes. Said changes has led to me second guessing my enneagram type (I've always thought I was a 4, but things have changed, I'll get into it in the questionnaire). So, though this thread originally started as me second guessing my MBTI - I'm pretty much 100% sure I'm ISFP - I couldn't be bothered to make a new thread to answer an Enneagram questionnaire. So here goes! Feel free to chime in! --- 0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type? A few months ago, I walked away from a very unhealthy (toxic, manipulative, and codependent) friendship. One that had lasted about 13 years. Since then I've noticed a lot of changes within myself. Just generally feeling better and healthier and happier than I've been since, like, childhood. I've already done numerous tests, and a lot of reading. I'm planning on reading more too, since I've ordered a couple of books from the library. In the past, I regularly got the result of 4 (and said friend even continuously agreed, so much so that if I questioned it, she'd adamantly insist I was in fact a 4 and couldn't be anything else). Randomly, the other week I decided to test again out of boredom and got the result of 7. Which I've never, ever gotten before. EVER. So I read up on it, and while I still related to 4, I realized I've greatly noticed how much I have in common with the 7 description now that I'm out of this toxic friendship. That was long winded, sorry. 1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline). I'm usually doing something. If I'm not doing something, I'm overthinking. So I do something. Even if it's clean/organize. Or journal. Or read. Or watch tv/movies. I generally like to keep myself occupied anymore. I definitely DID NOT used to be like this. I used to wallow, a lot. In everything. 2. Describe yourself-- a. What's it like to be you? I overthink everything, and I can spend a lot of time in my head. Hence the journaling, it helps me get it out without it consuming me. I daydream pretty often, especially about things I want to do, like traveling. Would that be more like planning than daydreaming? Either way, I like to think about the things I want to do, even if I don't always get to do them. I definitely worry a little too much about what others think of me, but I feel like everyone does that. And I try to be considerate of others, and what they're going through. Also, very easily anxious/nervous, but I do have anxiety.b. What have others said about you? The good? That I'm kind, considerate, and sweet. I've also had my intelligence compared to Hermione. The bad? Bossy, more than anything. Sometimes bitchy, but that's usually when I'm hangry.c. What do you think of yourself? I think that I'm human, and that any faults that I have aren't permanent. It's human nature to grow and change. I think that it's important to try to be the best version of yourself, not for others, but for you. Point is, I accept my faults and my strengths, and if I don't like anything about myself enough, I can change it. 3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one. Funnily enough, I've started to realize that I reoccuring theme in my life seems to be dealing with relationships with manipulative/toxic people. I've had some not so great boyfriends (and best friends). All of which I've had to realize with all of them that I needed to stop putting my worth in what I could give other people. Another theme seems to be control, or rather that I need to learn that I can't control anything but myself and my actions. Everything else just is what it is, and I have to let that be. And by control, I don't mean making others do what I want. I just get a good bit of stress when people don't do the things or react to things like I would. 4. You're not good at everything-- a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt? Being irresponsible is just not in my nature. By irresponsible, I mean that I'm incapable of doing things that I know will cause physical harm to myself or others. Like unsafe sex, and hard drugs. I'm also really hard on myself for not being more extroverted for some reason, like it makes me mad that I don't enjoy being around people more.b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop? As said above, being more extroverted. Being less anxious, in general, would also be nice. 5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you? I can't think of being left by any friends, unless boyfriends that cheat count. In which case, I don't know. I never bothered to ask why. For me, though, I generally leave when I feel a sense of betrayal that we can't come back from. This recent friendship ended because of a cruel reaction they had to me not doing what they wanted because I was sick. And through that I had a lot of conversations with other friends, and family, about the nature of this friendship. Turns out, they were all very uncomfortable with said friendship, and I was eventually able to see the manipulative nature of this friend. I literally couldn't say no to someone without feeling sick to my stomach because how often this friend reacted badly to me saying no. Not fun. 6. Which types do you identify with most? a. How do you relate to these types? I identify with 4 due to it's creative nature, and the ability to look deeply into one's self and emotions. Or well, I used to relate to the latter. But is wallowing really being able to look deeply? Probably not. Because anymore (and even as a child) I tend to preoccupy myself when I start to feel bad. Or I distract myself with other thoughts, which I believe is a 7 thing. As for the other types, I can relate to 1's nitpicking, 2's compassion, 3's love for aesthetics, 5's search for knowledge and detachment from others, 6's planning for every possible outcome, 8's tell it like it is attitude, and 9's dislike for conflict and confrontation.b. How do you NOT relate to them? What I don't relate with? 1's self-criticizing and desire to be perfect, I'm human and therefore inherently flawed, perfection is a lie. 2's manipulative nature, I would never treat others the way I've been treated in the past. 3's desire to be the center of attention, while I can manage if I have to, I hate every minute of the spotlight. 4's desire to be special....I don't really care, I am who I am. 5's emotional detachment, I feel too much to ever fit that part of a 5. 6's fear of absolutely everything, I have anxiety but there's still a lot of stuff that it just.....is what it is? 7's outgoing nature, I love to do new things and go to new places and explore but I do it alone fairly often....also their indulgent nature, I might shop a little more than I should, but the more dangerous vices are not my thing. 8's aggressiveness, I can be bossy but if it ever came to a physical fight, I'd probably bail. 9's passiveness, while I dislike conflict and confrontation, I'm a little to "tell it like it is" to be a 9, I think. 7. Which types are least like you? a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types? Probably 8 or 9, and maybe 1.b. What points (if any) DO you relate to? I pretty much answered both of these questions in the prior one. 8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love? One, that it will happen when it happens. I fully believe that there are some things in life that don't come your way until you're ready for it and the lesson it will teach you. Two, that there are many forms of love. Romantic love is not the end all and be all of love. You will find people who love you everywhere. Be it your friends, family, or pets. 9. What is the message your superego tells you? Consider a time when you felt poorly about yourself--this means your ego (i.e. YOU) is receiving negative feedback from your superego. Write a conversation between the two of them--what is your superego telling you about how to be? (Note: this obviously is very personal and may be better done privately. Report your findings). I think I touched on this a little bit earlier. I'm pretty hard on myself for not being more extroverted, and for not enjoying spending more time around people. I always feel really awful after being around people for a while because it's gets really obvious when I need to get away from them. I get either quiet and closed off, or snippy and cranky. Joan (my inner critic) often tells me to suck it up. I also feel really bad when I say no to people I care about, like if they want to do something I really don't want to do, saying no is very hard. But I'm working on that. For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply and give a brief description of why and how you relate. 10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.) Lmao. How many times am I going to say being more extroverted and out-going. Maybe I'm projecting this desire and just wishing I were a 7. Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them. 7- to be "okay", having it together 8- to be devoted and loyal to a person or cause 3- to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative 4- to be knowlegeable 6- to be powerful, strong, unassailable. 5- to be accomplished and successful 9- to strive to become/behave like a good person 2- to be a loveable person 1- to be loving and benevolent 11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events? I mean, generally how I perceive events is pretty dramatic some of the times. Lots of things are inconvenient when they happen, especially if they're things I don't like. And they stress me out. If I go about this with how my parents treated me as a child, it's a little weird. I have an older sister who, at that age, was like a second guardian to me. And I definitely felt like I was abandoned by her. I was 7 when she got married and moved out, and while she babysat me a lot, she also babysat her niece, who got all of the attention. I was ignored and left alone a lot. My parents.....I guess ignored me a bit too? Well, my dad drank back then, so he was rarely around. But my mom didn't ignore me at all, we were super tight, and still are. She's my best friend, and she was back then too. We spent every friday night going out to dinner together and spending time with each other. .....I'm really not getting this question, to be honest. Here are some common "felt senses" of life: Ah, I see. It's probably just easier to say which I relate to most: - I must do everything to maintain my world - I have a sense of being unimportant, insignificant, and undeserving of attention - I feel imperfect, not (good) enough - I have been abandoned and I am inherently flawed - I'm outside the natural unfoldment of things - People have wronged and messed with me - I feel isolated, cut off, and ultimately separate - I have felt weak and/or vulnerable to attack - I've had a sense of being rejectable 12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way. Making myself vulnerable and then being taken advantage of. Of being stuck somewhere and being unhappy. I definitely consider myself as a bit commitment phobic, also scared of intimacy (emotional intimacy that is). Discuss which fears have played the greatest role in your life: - Creating conflict by making myself or my needs too obvious: Yeah, I have a hard time voicing my needs. Makes me kind of nauseous. - Rejection, being needy, and not being loved: Rejection isn't something that bothers me too much anymore, as I've gotten older. Either you like me or you don't. - Weak and not being on top of things: Eh, not a fear. - Failure: Also not a fear, failing at something isn't the end of the world. - Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost: Probably tied to my having a hard time voicing my needs? I don't fear being lost, or sad. But I do fear abandonment. - Entanglements and losing what I have: A little bit? Maybe? I'm learning to let go of attachments though, I think that's important. - Something is basically wrong with me--I'm not good enough: Not a fear. I am who I am. - Boredom, grunt work, and being exposed as a charlatan: I don't get bored? - A lot--everything and everyone to one degree or another. It's very generalized.: Even as someone with anxiety, I don't relate. At all. --- Okay! So, I don't fully expect anyone to read this or give their insight. I mostly filled this out to clear my head and sort out my thoughts. If you got this far and are wondering what those are, good question! Because I have no idea. Just as lost as ever. Lmao. Thank you! https://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=97673&goto=newpost&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

#Enneagram

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trendingnewsb · 6 years ago

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How to Take Calculated Risk to Achieve More and Become Successful

Risk is something we all have to face in our lives but appreciating its value and impact on our lives is not always easy.

I asked my social media friends on a survey whether they felt risk was a good thing and 100’s said yes and yet I know from my clients that this doesn’t equate to 100% of people taken every risky action they could to achieve more and live a life that fulfils them.

Take the client that needed a coaching session to get them to take the jump into self employment. They knew in their heads that with over 20 years at the pinnacle of their career, they could do it. But they needed their coach to be the one that took the training wheels off and said “let’s do this!”

We don’t all take the risks we should in life. What makes a risk feel too big? What external impactors change our perception of risk and what’s the difference between good risk and bad? When should we be risk adverse? And how can we work out the difference and step up to take the risks that could change our lives (for the better)?

What is calculated risk?

Let me ask you:

“Would you cross a 3 lane road of fast moving traffic?” The answer is likely to be “no” right?

What about if I asked “Would you cross 3 lanes of traffic at night?” Still a “No?”

What about if I said “Would you cross 3 lanes of traffic that had a pedestrian crossing?”

Look how the risk changes. It is the same road with the same cars, but we’ve gone from a risk that we are unprepared to take to one that has an element of control and expected outcomes. That is what a calculated risk is.

Would you quit your job right now and set up in business on the street corner in an hour’s time? No of course not. However, would you quit with a plan of action in a set period of time? Possibly?

The thing about calculated risk is that humans have to deal with their perceptions or reality, their emotions, feelings and even beliefs to be able to take on risk. And that is why you may see 100% of people saying “Take the risk”. However if questioned further, I could probably find at least one occasion where every single person should have taken the risk and they didn’t.

I’ve seen people turn down contracts, delay travelling, delay saying “yes” to marriage, delay quitting their job and even delay having their hair chopped off because they’ve not been able to calculate the risk with an outcome that they deem will be satisfactory.

Is all risk calculated?

In a speaking engagement, I once re-enacted the moment when the hero of the film is hanging on for dear life to the side of a mountain. There’s no hand places left going up. They can’t go down and there’s no way out, the baddies are shooting at them from every angle and you think “there is no way out of this!” and then miraculously they let go tumbling through the air, landing in a helicopter that flies into view being flown by the gorgeous incredibly clever side kick.

Risk is a bit like that.

The first time James Bond, Jack Reacher or Lara Croft let go and went in a new direction, they were probably experiencing massive levels of fear. However, by overriding that fear, they were able to create a new definition of what is possible. It’s not called mission impossible for nothing.

But how can we know it’s a good idea to jump and when it’s going to lead to impending doom?

Interestingly, children seem to be risk blind for a while. It is adults that stand behind them shouting “don’t do that, you will fall and break your neck!” Do children stop doing stupid things? A and E departments would argue no.

But if we didn’t take on risk we’d never learn to walk. The first time you pulled yourself up on to your legs and stood there jumping up and down with a grin that says “Look what I can do” was sheer joy, not so much fun the next time you tried it and nearly removed your nose. Most parents will have a story of how their child made their hearts leap with absolute terror as they did something stupid, but risk needs us to test its limits or we will all be still sat in baby gyms unable to reach the cool toys.

The reason some people achieve great things is because they are prepared to test their risk limitations.

How to grow your risk tolerance to achieve more?

Here I’ve aimed to break down what you need to keep your eyes peeled for, how to fix what you find and what you need to do so that you can calculate risk and achieve more with the following methods:

The RRIS method

R – Research everything you aim to achieve.

But also know when to stop researching and get on with it. The amount of clients I’ve worked with who are so ready they could be the most intellectual person on the planet on their area of expertise.

It’s easy to get in the trap of “doing just a bit more research” to get you out of taking action. So do your research and use the other tips to help you to take action on your knowledge.

R – Rationalize your reality.

I often hear clients say things that once said back to them they can quickly (and often embarrassingly) see that it’s just not true. They’ve twisted reality to enable them to stay safe.

Question what you believe to be true and the results you perceive to be impossible to avoid. Do you have evidence to prove your reality or are your thoughts just enabling your comfort zone to stay the same size?

Comfort zones are like big thick duvets. Glorious in the middle of winter with the rain battering the windows and you are curled up safe and warm, but hideous in summer, when the same duvet can wrap itself around you becoming a sweaty trap for your legs to get caught in.

If you know that a comfort zone is twisting your reality, you can be like two versions of my clients:

They like to get so far out of their comfort zone that they can’t see it any more. They do big actions putting into action the right support to achieve them. Learn and move on.

They would literally feel stuck in fear if you offered them option 1, therefore they like to do things in small tiny morsel sized bites. If this is you, arrange to challenge your beliefs around anything in your life (not just related to the calculated risk to achieve more).

If you like structure, start the day in a way you wouldn’t. Get dressed before you brush your teeth, listen to a different radio station, choose a different route to work.

Silly things that make you think about what you are doing can help you see that different is not bad. Different can be exciting, new, rewarding and so much else. And tiny steps can be right for some.

I – Ideas can reduce or inflame our capability for calculated risk.

Before you do anything, somewhere in your head it was a thought. When you really appreciate this, you are able to see that before you take on any risk, you have to have the ideas behind it to achieve.

Ideas like this will be exciting, life changing, and will work and make my career. What phrases would you create to describe the result of your idea?

If you notice they are negative, where’s your evidence? Clients often tell me that I make them take risks. As a coach, that’s impossible. My job is to enable them to see what they really want and overcome the beliefs and obstacles towards going for it.

Once we are faced with our facts on our skills, past successes and capabilities, we can’t help but ask “what is stopping you?” By doing this, you are creating solid foundation to get great results because your ideas are positive and not made up of illogical untruths like “it won’t work”, “what if I fail”, “it’s not done like that”, “I will end up looking stupid”.

S – Success over scares

It is a calculated risk and therefore something that is worth investing in and going for when our level of fear is reduced and our belief about success is raised. Where do you stand on this scale?

Scared! vs Success!

Now add in the following words to the above scale. Where would they sit?

Staying safe

Stuck

Self esteem

Stopping myself

Can you start to see how there is a big gap between scared and success? And between the two there will always be elements of feeling safe or stuck and worrying about whether you can do it. The important thing to remember is that you will never completely bridge the gap between scared and successful. A little fear is really good for you.

I’ve never had a speaking engagement where I don’t feel a little nervous. 9 years ago that wasn’t nervousness that was absolute terror. And I once read “it’s not stage fright, it’s performance energy.”

What description would you like to use do describe your calculated risk? If you were to say it out loud, would it be a positive sentence or one that reduce you to fear? Your words and finding your place on the scared to success scale could define your likelihood of success.

The know-it kit

Taking the risk is scary, from the client that wanted to confront their boss of 10 years and make a suggestion that they knew flew in the opposite opinion of their boss, to the singer who is too scared to stand in front of an audience. The important thing is to remember that you are in control of the risks you take and a know it kit can help.

Know the times you’ve been successful.

Lot’s of clients will tell me that their fear is overriding their beliefs about what can be achieved. At times like that it’s no good to think something different and expect it to magically make it seem easy.

Get the facts on your side. As much as you heart will fill your head with negativity, hanging on to the facts of what you’ve already done in life is something you can’t argue with.

Know the skills you have.

As above, when we take on a risk, we need to know we’ve got what we need to get the results we want.

Know that mistakes are good.

No exceptional rise to success didn’t have set backs, no great inventions didn’t have failures (with many of those becoming inventions in their own right) knowing that mistakes are an opportunity to learn and good for the end results can ensure you take action even when the fear is raising its ugly head.

International Vocal Coach Gemma Milburne shared,

“I think many of the greatest singers are the most willing to take risks. You have to risk going out of tune, making mistakes, sounding awful, in order to get REALLY good at singing. As a vocal coach a lot of what I’m doing is helping singers to face that ‘mental’ risk that’s in a person’s head.”

Know the people you can trust.

When everything is in place, you’ve got the evidence, you’ve done your research, you are accountable, focused and ready for action, sometimes just a chat with the right person can be all you need.

Who is in your Know it Kit? You can trust them to say what you need them to say. And not just “you will be great dear, go for it.” Having the right people there that will challenge, empower and ensure you’ve ready in every capacity to make it happen.

Before a petrified public speaker has taken to the stage or a client has walked into a room to go for their big dream, I’m often the one they text as they walk in for that last minute reminder that they’ve got this.

Know the way you have to feel.

And lastly, don’t forget that even with the right words from the right people, it is still down to you.

Sometimes cultural beliefs and feelings can slip into our mindset, other people in the same industry can tell us “it’s never been done like that” and it can knock our focus and derail our thoughts.

How do you need to feel to get the results you want? If I told a person from 200 years ago that they could fly anywhere on this planet in the same day, I’d likely have been locked up. Our beliefs change with time and experience. Do you want to be the person that creates the thoughts and beliefs of the future? Or wait for someone else to have taken the risk (and the glory!) and to leave you wishing “I wish I’d taken that risk”?

Face your fear and take risks

Looking back to myself years ago, Mrs. Nervous Wreck lacking in confidence…

She looked up at the chandelier that was taller than her house and tried to focus her thoughts. No amount of “thinking positive” was working and she just wanted her spleen to burst so she could end up in hospital safely away from this extravagant room and all these people. How could she ever have thought it would be a clever idea to speak to a room full of her peers?

Less than 5 months prior to this moment, she’d stood in front of just 25 business owners and faffed, and fumbled through her words, feeling like a complete fake wishing to never see any of these people ever again. Heck even a career in a local fast food place would be better! She’d made a memorable impression but for all the wrong reasons and one of the audience had taken great delight in reminding her of her epic fail, so what had driven her to do it again?

That was me but for some reason, I’d decided to take the risk and speak on another stage in front of more people.

In many ways, I was hardly recognizable from 9 years ago to today when I’m described as “one of the best speakers I’ve ever heard” and “changed my life in one hour.” Clearly my ability and attitude to speaking to an audience changed but what else?

It was how I faced my fear and how I grew my risk tolerance to achieve more.

By taking my advice on how to take calculated risks, you will gradually find yourself becoming braver and embracing more opportunities. You’ve got this!

Featured photo credit: Pixabay via pixabay.com

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