#is really upsetting and pretty fucking Christian nonsense

[sergle]

Every time YouTube nonsense happens I'm always like "I can't wait to see what Sergle says about this" because you're the only person I follow that talks about YouTube nonsense.

Please take this is an invitation for you to talk about the Watcher's apology video lol

I am a filthy youtube enjoyer so you can absolutely count on me and GODDDDDDDDDDD... I mean the apology is not NEARLY as funny as the blunder, so it hasn't kept my attention as much but like the obligatory upfront thing is that, like, it is good that they posted it, they apologized for being insensitive and whatever, they're not scraping their channel clean or going forward with their old plan to only post their shows on their own platform, and these are technically good and correct things, because they could have pretended not to notice all the negative feedback. So like, responding is good. BUT LIKE I HAVE QUESTIONS NOW... Because they took SO LONG to film and upload a video that basically is just "we fucked up, we're sorry, we're not gonna do that anymore", which doesn't exactly take a writer's room several days to cook, but I DIGRESS... They were quiet for long enough for everyone to LOOK REALLY CLOSE. After the initial reaction, people had time to do some pretty comprehensive cost breakdowns for their stuff, and for what they have to be pulling in from adsense, sponsored segments, patreon, merch, and touring Like, they'd need to be really mismanaging their finances, because they're doing very well for themselves, making good, stable money, and the vids they make are super duper advertiser friendly. SO... you take long enough without putting out a holder statement or a quick heel-turn apology or anything, it gives people more time to get comfortable with not liking you, and also to dig around and google things about you, or scrape up info/trivia about you to corroborate their new opinion of you. It gets personal, is what I mean. So pulling this move has still, at BEST, caused some permanent damage to their relationships with fans, in both directions. They all got a huge flood of negative feedback, and even a perfect, emotionally mature, non-entitled person would have a negative reaction to people being upset with them at such a high volume. But now they're gonna remember the things that people have said about them, and there's no way that at the very least, Steven isn't gonna feel spiteful about this. People TOTALLY unloaded on him (funny) (valid) about his evangelical christian conservative leaning tesla privileged out of touch boy gold flaked ice cream eating ways. He definitely is going to remember that ppl said they never liked him in the first place. As for Ryan and Shane, people didn't have any dirt on them, but they definitely still received a lot of angry messages from people, most of which will have been reasonable, but they're gonna remember the really really mean and intense ones. Anyway, they made a booboo dumb enough for jack to want to make a skit about it, so for that I'm very grateful, because I thought it was really really fucking funny

[asinwhywereyouborn]

₊✩‧₊˚౨ ℋℯ𝓁𝓁ℴ, 𝓂𝓎 𝓁ℴ𝓋ℯ𝓈! ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

My name is Charlie, and this page is going to be very miscellaneous.

As a basic overview of me, I'm 19 years old, trans (he/him) and I really like plants! I have ADHD and a number of other blogs, so this one might be very erratically updated, which I apologize for in advance. I call pretty much everyone love, doll, and/or dear, so if that makes you uncomfortable, please please please let me know so I don't upset or harm you in any way. I also (attempt to) flirt quite a lot, so, again, tell me if that makes you uncomfortable.

If you couldn't tell, I really love Coraline. That and Across the Spider-Verse are my favorite films. I love psychological films and psychology in general, so if you have any recommendations of movies that will fuck up my head, please let me know!

Some things that might be featured on this blog~

｡°✩ Music I Like~ this can range from hard rock to K-pop to 2020 music from POVs to David Bowie (I adore Bowie). My favorite groups are Måneskin, Black Veil Brides, and Sleep Token. My favorite solo artists are Dean Lewis, Vana, Chappell Roan, Ashnikko, Hozier, and others. I'm sorry ToT I'm bad at picking favorites!! ✧˖°

｡°✩ Poetry~ while I won't say I stand up against the greats, I'm not a horrid poet and am interested in sharing it. I'll also be reblogging other poetry, because the poets of tumblr are wonderful and deserve the recognition. ✧˖°

｡°✩ Art~ again, I'm no Monet, but I'm not the worst artist on this site. I'll likely be sharing here, as I can't share on any other platform and if my art can make someone smile or feel something, I've accomplished my goal. Of course, I'll reblog other people's art, too, especially fanart of my favorite things. ✧˖°

｡°✩ Religion~ you might even find the occasional religious or spiritual post from me, as I'm pagan and have a lot of (apparently strange) spiritual beliefs. I'm primarily Hellenic, however I do follow Loki and, while I don't follow every god, I do believe in every god, even the Christian one (I don't like him, though. Jesus is cool.) I'd like a bit more into astrology and the like, so if anyone knows any resources for that, please let me know! The tags will be #wybiespaganismreblogs and #wybiespaganism. ✧˖°

｡°✩ Mental Health~ I have undiagnosed (but I fit damn near every parameter for) ADHD, autism, and anxiety, and I also have an eating disorder. Every post about food will have a "tw food" tag, and every ED post will have a "tw ed" tag as well because I know they can be harmful. I struggle a lot with executive dysfunction, mental spirals, social anxiety, and intrusive thoughts, and I figure that if I share my own experiences, I can help others and they can help me! ✧˖°

｡°✩ Fandom Nonsense~ I'm a bit of a dork, so I'll be posting a lot of little nerd things. This primarily will include Harry Potter (and Marauders), MCU, Criminal Minds, Percy Jackson Universe, ACOTAR, Miraculous Ladybug, and others. I've recently decided I want to start getting into anime and have watched a bit of Spy X Family, so if anyone has any recommendations, I only really have Netflix, Hulu, and I definitely don't use pirating sites because those aren't safe and they're harmful to the economy. The tags will be #wybiesfandomnonsense. ✧˖°

Basic DNI! Zionists, antisemitics, Islamophobes, radical conservatives, homophobes, transphobes, zoophiles, anti therian or furry, racists, misogynistic, science or Holocaust deniers, religious bigots, racial bigots, classists, generally cruel or bigoted individuals, people who will attempt to convert me or send me nudes, or overall dickfaces.

There is not an MDNI, but minors, please don't try to DM me without prior consent; I have no filter and don't feel like doin' time. Ageless blogs as well, unless specifically marked as adult.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm in a fandom with a lot of virulent antis (surprise surprise, it's heavily dark source material and I don't know why they're here at all) and a lot of the pairings that aren't the main badwrong ship on ao3 now have DNI tags on them for shippers of the badwrong ship. I guess not enough to break the TOS (no direct threats?), but still full of stuff like "x shippers DNI", "get help you freaks", "You're disgusting" etc etc.

Its just... so frustrating. Like that's a pretty red flag for me that a fic probably is going to be in an immature writing style so I probably won't read it anyway, but every time I see it I just.... heave a big sigh. Why these people are in this fandom or on Ao3 at all I'll never know. Its not even helpful - the tags are there to help describe the fic, if I didn't want to see that kind of content I could just... avoid content that's tagged that way. Why even add that to a fic that's not even about those characters at all?

Honestly, my real question is.... Olderthannetfic, how do you do it?

I feel like I do it "right", in fandom, or at least I try. I always just block and move on. I don't follow the discourse where I can help it and block a lot of the relevant tags. I keep to a small circle of folks that have the same fun brainrot I do and have fun, generally. But this kind of stuff still slips through the cracks in a way that's unavoidable if you're ever online at all. To be honest, it still hurts a lot to see each time, and be reminded that some people seem to literally want me dead over reading a story. And I can't help the doubt and the self-flagellation that creeps in. Despite my best efforts, and all my research, and living to the ripe rip van winkle tumblr fandom spinster age of 27... I sometimes have a moment where I think, maybe I really am a freak or a degenerate, or an evil predator waiting to bloom.

Do you ever experience this? Does this feeling ever go away, or at least dull to a more bearable exasperated eye roll? Do you ever see these anti idiots grow up or grow out of this mindset? Is it just a matter of time, age or experience? Is there a point at which you felt like it affected you less, or perhaps it didn't affect you like that at all? Is there a secret to navigating it calmly and with confidence? Do you have any advice to give in the, er, art of not giving a fuck?

--

Why would I quail at a stupid child on the internet after coming out as queer when I was 14 in the 90s?

I grew up with very open-minded, supportive family aside from my mother's conviction that BDSM was something people were into because they'd been abused. Even then, I remember privately snickering because I was super kinky, and wouldn't that upset her given this silly world view?

I had it easy compared to most in the 90s, but I still saw a lot of nonsense, like good old Mom on the topic of kink or murders in the media. But I also spent a lot of time reading educational sexuality books that debunked myths about fantasies and kinkiness.

Maybe a firmer grounding in sexuality stuff would help you? Nancy Friday's work on women's fantasies is a common starting point. I'm partial to The Topping Book, which is full of "it's great to be a top, actually" and not "you only do it for the sub".

Getting older does usually help though. Most 20-somethings are insecure in their sense of self. Middle age is when people's fucks generally run out, and that only continues to grow. Watch a stupid child go after some 60-something zine writer lady. She's going to laugh in their faces. Some people remain insecure forever, I suppose, but not anybody who had to woman up to be in fandom in the first place.

It's not just that these little idiots are wrong about us being predators: it's that they are the morally degenerate ones for spreading the psychological equivalent of "vaccines cause autism" or "Jews want to steal your Christian babies".

This idea that The Bad People are infiltrating our minds with their propaganda overlaps heavily with anti-semitic conspiracy theory right wing fundie nutjob ideas, and yet these young fools claim to be pro-queer and pro-civil rights. They're an embarrassment to any progressive movement and it disgusts me.

When someone goes "You're not a Christian, so you're going to hell", do you have a moment when you wonder?

Because that's the level of absurdity here.

Even if they don't bully, even if they don't include threats in their DNIs, the fact that they're spreading myths about sexuality that have been thoroughly debunked many times means they're doing something unethical, anti-intellectual, and anti-science.

I'm not afraid or guilty. I'm embarrassed for them.

--

Do antis grow out of it? Yes, frequently.

They are—either literally or functionally—victims of right wing Christian cults. They have the same trajectory of realizing they've been had and slowly trying to work through the raging guilt and religious trauma.

I have limited patience but some sympathy. Like other victims who were indoctrinated to hurt people, escaping the cult is hard. It means not only giving up your false sense of safety and all of your friends but facing what you've done.

[rocketbirdie]

MASSIVE dump of thoughts about Rebirth. Obvious major spoiler warning for pretty much every story beat aside from side quests. That goes for the compilation as a whole.

Think of this as a collection of what would otherwise be literally hundreds of separate obnoxious text posts. Half-review, half liveblogging. Genuine praises and criticisms interspersed with unhinged nonsense. This post is so long it's making my computer lag, so make of that what you will.

To keep it organized and make it easier to find specific moments, this is split up chapter by chapter. I cover the Zack/Biggs stuff in a separate section just before the final chapter, and then follow up with some miscellaneous thoughts.

I'm not of hardcore OG FFVII faith. I love the original, and I view it as separate from Remake/Rebirth, so I embrace most of the major changes. This is generally a very positive review, aside from a few nuisances *cough cough WHISPERS cough* and only one genuinely upsetting letdown. Rebirth is more than I could ever have asked for, and I can't wait to spend the next 4+ years obsessively gushing about it. And now, without further ado...!

Chapter 1: Fall of a Hero (The Nibelheim Incident)

NAILED it.

Love seeing Cloud's teenage squishiness scrambled together with the Zack mannerisms. Restless as a little puppy! Body language, facial expressions, etc. I wonder if they animated a lot of it with Zack's model first, and then replaced it with Cloud? Modders are gonna have a field day with this when the PC version drops.

Sephiroth really was just Some Guy, huh? It's very refreshing to see him acting fully human for once. Helps sell the catastrophic mental shitshow that ensues.

Horfin' down those sandwiches Strife style

"You went into my room?" "I did..." LMAOOO THE SHAME IN HIS VOICE. Cody Christian doing god's work voicing this sopping wet pathetic mess of a man

Zangan manhandling Cloud like that was NOT on my Rebirth bingo card.

The bridge collapse scene is beautifully expanded upon. Such a delicious moment if you know the real story. RIP Ramirez. o7

There is NO fucking way Sephiroth just... stood there unfazed by waist high rushing water. Y'all have any idea how dangerous just ankle-deep water is at those speeds? At least the generous use of artistic license in physics is established very early on.

Tifa demonstrating incredible self restraint by choosing not to strangle Zack to death at the mako spring. I would have walloped his cocky ass lol

"Such a puppy." We're establishing the homoerotic tension right away as well, thank god.

oooOOOouhh the way you can pinpoint the precise moment that Sephiroth starts to lose control at the reactor. The way he walks up those stairs.......

Mwahaha-ing over the visual parallels. Raising his hand to the candle flame... Jenova's face flickering over his own... wow. Every shot, every angle is carefully chosen. Cinematography at it's finest.

OG painted a picture of "no survivors," so it surprised me how many people seemed to have escaped from Nibelheim. Although, it's not certain what their ultimate fate was. I imagine they did it this way to show that the incident impacted far more people than just Cloud and Tifa. Makes sense, considering "sheer scale of suffering" is a recurring theme throughout the Re-trilogy so far.

Sephiroth's mass slaughter is bone chilling. The music, the tension, the iconic shot of the flames framing his figure. Goddamn. And then there's the poor trooper, reaching out for his mom.........

"Why didn't they just shoot him?? They had him surrounded!!" 1, Fear doesn't give a damn about rationality. 2, It's SEPHIROTH. They were almost certainly correct in assuming that their dinky little hunting rifles weren't gonna do jack shit.

Catch me giggling over the most mundane shit. LOVE the detail of the sword tip clanking on the metal floor as Tifa drags it. I'm obsessed with lovingly crafted, nearly unnoticeable sound design like that.

"Mother, they have come again." THANK FUCK they kept this line. I don't even know why, it just stuck with me so hard from OG.

Not sure why people are cranky that the flashback cuts off. It ends at the exact same point as in OG. That's the point, it's supposed to be frustrating.

Seeing an unfathomable number of dumbass comments going "huh??? why did cloud tell the story all wrong??? that's not what happened!!" Dear Lord Please Give Me The Strength

AERTI!!!!!!! hell yeah

Tifa being proactive instead of stewing in confusion!! Love that for her. But damn it didn't go down well, huh. "I was so happy to see you again, but maybe I shouldn't have been." BIG OOOOOF

OUCH. Cloud. At least take off the pauldron if you're gonna sleep on that side LOL

Chapter 2: A New Journey Begins (Kalm and The Grasslands)

Very interesting news broadcast ya got goin' on there, Shinra...

Kalm is so so so so pretty. Feels like an actual full sized city now! Wish we could have seen more of it at night, like in the OG.

Broden!! I like him. I want the best for him. I know he's fucked. But really, it's cool to see more SOLDIER characters. We get to see Cloud's uh-oh brain static moments from the outside perspective, and boy howdy, it ain't pretty.

Broden says he's "...on your side. Got a contact at HQ." Meanwhile, my delusional ass: CONTACT? KUNSEL? IS IT KUNSEL? DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE NAMED KUNSEL?

Mentioned it in a different post— I suspected they changed the arrangement of Midgar's sectors. Sure enough, it's confirmed by looking at Rebirth's world map. Is this a meta fate-has-been-altered thing, or is it just a curious retcon? Maybe a bit of both?

HOLLOW REMIX HOLLOW REMIX HOLLOW REMIX HOLLOW REMIX HOLLOW REMIX AAAAAAAAAAAAA

Oh my god, her name is CHLOE????????? "Chole" was a typo this whole fucking time???? I can't handle this

NOT CHOCOBO BILL BLINDSIDING US WITH THE CLOUD GETTING DOUBLE PENETRATED IN A NASTY SWAMP SHACK IMPLICATIONS???? HELLO?????????

My sweet son Chadley has returned from the time void.

Ok serious talk. Wtf is up with the audio mixing. Someone gave the thumbs up for this production?! The default music volume is WAY too loud and overpowers voice lines. Doesn't help that Remake's npc dialogue deluge in crowded areas hasn't been addressed at all. C'mon people, you had years to fix this shit. It's a shame too, because I would love to hear all of the beautiful music and talented voice acting, just... separately, please.

The Soggy Strife Agenda is off to a great start!

I know Midgar Zolom was a blind idiot translation, but I dunno man. Midgardsormr just doesn't do it for me. Zolom sweetie come home :(

FUCKING. FUCK. WHERE'S THE LINE. FUCK!!! Apparently Sephiroth Did Not Do This. Goddammit. Fucking blasphemy. Genuinely gutted that they didn't include that line. Imagine if they had pulled that shit with Me Gongaga. Unacceptable.

Chapter 3: Deeper into Darkness (Mythril Mines)

"Enough for her Standard Course twice, right?" keep it up Aerith you're doing amazing :)

Ah, the opening area of the mines has been converted into a museum. No wonder people are allowed to just waltz right on in.

ELENA!! Oooooh I love her voice!! She's got that young overconfident sass. Fits her perfectly. She's got me sweating bullets seeing her kick a grenade around like a soccer ball though YIKES

Those Boulders Are Not Made Of Solid Rock

Not much else to say about the mines. Love when the original version of the music kicked in. Barret and Red's dynamic is so good!

Chapter 4: Dawn of a New Era (Junon)

We just, uh, waiting for the bus there, folks? OH SHIT sorry about the bird of prey thing man, that sucks. Hope you feel better soon

Contrary to maybe popular opinion, but I actually love it when you know exactly what a character is going to say or do next. It means the writers have done a great job at getting that character across. Predictable does not always equal bad; tropes exist for a reason after all.

Under Junon. mwah <3

Priscilla!! Omg she's so cute and annoying. Just how I remember.

Soggy Strife Episode 2. This time featuring an off-putting amount of romantic tension between Cloud And That Dolphin

Lowkey disappointed that they cut the uncomfortably long CPR minigame. Gamers nowadays have no idea how good they have it. Back in my day, we had to give mouth-to-mouth for 5 minutes straight in deafening silence.

YUFFIE!!!!!! Oh my god the leakers weren't exaggerating about the naruto run

Yeah ok just. gonna do some good night crunches. Very. Uh. Normal of you, Cloud Strife. God I love this weirdo

ROCHEEEEE My Boyfriend Has Returned

Aerith and Priscilla doing the arm bump thing............ yeah...........

Yeah you work those tanker controls gay boy. I was really expecting a jumpscare as the tanker lifted up. Would have actually shrieked if Sephiroth was just like "sup lol"

WOW the sister ray!!! Honestly the first moment that made me go "DAMN this is Final Fantasy alright!" What a view.

Glad they kept Junon's silly amount of elevators.

Oh hi Glenn

So Aerith wants to know if there are any good restaurants in Junon. Well, maybe if this guy hadn't been busy barfing in an alleyway....

Gee Tifa and Aerith, it's a good thing you guys practiced your highly choreographed military drill, just in case you ever had to pretend to be a trooper during an inaugural parade. Gotta be prepared for even the most unlikely scenarios! (As a writer, I know how it is with suspension of disbelief. But it's still kinda doofy lol)

That being said, I'd let the commander have her way with me

THE MUSIC

Tee hee omg it's so cute to see Cloud in his element! Look at that boy go. He's so into it. I like hearing all of the Seventh Infantry's interactions, too. Really hammers it in that they're all just normal people with their own worries and hopes.

Oopsie daisy. I am not immune to Shinra Propaganda. Huh. Well done, writers.

THE GLABRESCENT!! EXCLUSIVE CLUB FOR BALD PEOPLE

Awww look at all the 1/35 soldiers! Man. This whole chapter is just one huge love letter to the OG. So much nostalgia, plus so much new exciting stuff. God I could go on and on

This Just In, Entire Junon Nursing Home Full Of Elderly People Dies Of A Heart Attack After Rufus Shinra Decides To Fire The Fucking Cannon

Roche please sign my forehead

Uh oh. Yuffie

Yeah Ok don't mind me, just a SOLDIER 1st Class, protecting these little infantrymen with my life. No parallels to be found here, folks

GENUINELY HONEST TO GOD I AM SO SORRY FOR SLICING YOUR BABY ANGEL IN HALF LIKE THAT ROCHE PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Cloud say you're sorry Right Fucking Now.

Oh good no hard feelings. Well. Actually. Uh

Chapter 5: Blood in the Water (Shinra-8/Ship to Costa)

Oh to be a girl hiding away in a cargo hold with another girl.......

Little bit of Traces of Two Pasts! So Aerith told Tifa about Faz, the weird guy that was a little bit too nice to Ifalna. Apparently Aerith is still shaken up by that. Don't blame her.

Ok. I've been avoiding the topic of Queen's Blood, because frankly, my opinion on it is completely unfounded and irrational. I fucking hate card games in video games that are not supposed to be solely about card games. I can't help it. I'm here for the pretty people rpg and the gut-wrenching t4t heartbreak, not for the Magic the Gathering subplot. Any time this game so much as breathes the name Queen's Blood in my direction, I feel something visceral welling up inside of me. So as you can imagine, The Chapter Where You Play Queen's Blood is not my personal favorite.

But I get it! It's not like there was much to do here in the OG. I like that they went out of their way to flesh the ship out and give it more to remember. And for people who like Queen's Blood, I'm happy for them!!

Silly boy humming the victory fanfare I love himmmm

*wiggles*

Gotta get me one of them bigass cardboard cutout palm trees to put on display inside of my grungy metal hallway. Wow what a vibe

DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD DEMAND THE MANAGER, RED

THE MOONWALK SJHSYAFDFKKFFJF oh mny fuckijngh god the terrified kid crying his eyes out LMAOOOOO

Dang It! I wanted to see what Cloud looks like swaddled up in that hammock. Why do you deny me that which I desire. Screw your fade to black.

Good to know Hojo is just as disgusting and disturbing as he should be! Yayyyyy :(

"Holy shit..." YUFFIE SAME????? TITOV BOUTTA BLOW SOME TITS OFF????

YEEEHAAWWWW time for another absolute fucking banger of a Jenova remix!!!! I cannot praise the soundtrack enough.

Chapter 6: Fool's Paradise (Costa del Sol)

Obligatory beach episode

Johnny!!!!! My favorite dramatic idiot with a heart of gold! It's ok babygirl I love your seasmell hotel. I'll stay there anytime.

Cloud acting like that lei is strangling him. Sameeee dude same but no really. This place sucks. Too many people trying to force this poor guy to have fun against his will.

If I have to hear "hang loose" one more time, there will be bloodshed.

I do not trust that man to ride safely and sanely on that wheelie. He can't even walk on his own two feet without endangering every physics object in the vicinity.

Empty materia moment actually made me gasp out loud

AERTI DATE AERTI DATE AERTI DATE AERTI DATE

OUTFIT REVIEW TIME

Cloud's Tits Out: An unusual sight. I feel like he should be smooth under there like Link BOTW. He looks a little too robust for someone who's got Big Oil And Brain Worms In There and hasn't slept in weeks. I appreciate the commitment to making him pale as paper and flat as a board. No top surgery scars lose points big time. I'm neutral about the toes. 4/10

Cloud's Business Casual: Immaculate. Tastefully hideous. That blue is NOT your color, girl. Chocobo imagery is always a plus. Absolutely mystified by the untied capris + 3/4 sleeve scoop neck combo. Pretty sure he's not wearing any socks with those tennis shoes. Sneakers in the sand is a helluva sensory experience for an autistic guy like him, I deeply respect it. 9/10.

Tifa's Frilly Miniskirt: Cute and confident. Split between it being utterly out of character for her, or 1000% perfect for her. The white and purple is a great color combo. Slightly concerned about the structural integrity of the neck strap. Uncooperative hairstyle is understandable but kills the vibe a bit. Jealous of the sandals. 8/10

Tifa's Tie Front: DAMN. Stripes with the collar, black jean shorts, hell yeah. The giant belt buckle is just asking for a nasty burn mark, though. Whatever. She's rockin' it. I dunno man, I'm at a loss for words, you just gotta see it to believe it. 10/10.

Aerith's Keepin' It Simple: Tried and true. Pink always works in her favor. Love the little matching flowers in her hair. The wrap around wallet chain is a welcome sprinkle of weirdness. Otherwise masterfully boring; it suits her city-slickin' down-to-earth attitude. 9/10

Aerith's Floral Cover Up: Classy. Got that Final Fantasy princess look with the ruffled sleeves and the push-up cut. The long skirt is nothing short of perfection. Lovestruck by the splash of lime green with the leaf pattern. Can't imagine how annoying those shin-high sandal straps might be though, that's gonna leave a mark. 9/10

Barret's Bear Wearing A Marshmallow: Pillsbury Dough Man at his finest. Faithful to the original, exquisite in 4K HD. Hoist hook arm adds that extra sailor flair, sealing the look. He's having fun with it, and that's what matters most. 10/10!

Ok back to reality

uh oh.

Yup, somehow they managed to make Hojo even more nauseating than ever before. Good. The more we hate him, the worse it'll sting when he keeps dodging his comeuppance. Hohohohoho.... That's Good Writing, Babie! Twist that knife. Keep us ravenously thirsty for revenge!!

Seen a lot of complaints about the women that accompany Hojo to the beach and shower him with compliments and oohs and aahs. Not sure why. Pretty sure it's heavily implied that they're being paid SHIT LOADS of gil to act that way. It's stated outright that they're working for Mayor Kapono, and it's well established by that point that the mayor is wrapped tight around Shinra's pinky finger.

The moment that beach fight started, I knew right away... GRAB THAT UMBRELLA, DO YOUR LEGACY PROUD

Aerith showing her vengeful side, just a tiny bit. So much pent up hatred and grief. Love how it mirrors Cloud's character. She's so forgiving, she doesn't know how to turn anger into action. He's so caught up in his anger, that he forgets what forgiveness could do for him. Man. :'(

Yuffie joins the team!!! Cloud's just like. >:/ lol

Chapter 7: Those Left Behind (Corel)

Fun time is over folks

Huh. Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but that's not even close to being a Weapon. Major retcon, or legendary fakeout?

Sighh... Aerith looking up at the sky like that... The longing sure is long isn't it

WELL! Ain't that the dolly zoom of a lifetime! It's absolutely wild to watch Cloud's mental state worsen gradually in real time. Seeing him almost walk off a cliff was freaky. Good stuff

I WILL LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR CLOUD JUNIOR

Poor Barret...... damn dude. The people of Corel were nasty to him in the OG, but they cranked that up to eleven in Rebirth. Wow.

"She your new wife? Well good for you..." istg i'll reach through that screen and choke you out with my bare hands bitchass

"NO." Well that settles that! Gee I wonder why Cloud's not interested in helping out the doctor with his test...... hmm......

Yuffie honey... read the room.........

Chapter 8: All That Glitters (Gold Saucer First Visit)

And now for a jarring tonal shift! Yeahh... this game suffers from awkward pacing. A lot. Though I do suppose that's the point— hellish suffering juxtaposed with distasteful extravagance, just how Shinra prefers it.

Dio should snap him in half like a twig. I think it would be good enrichment for Cloud.

Ok. I'm pretty sure this is like. the fourth time Cloud's pupils have gotten all blown out upon seeing Sephiroth. There may be a clinical explanation for this, but there sure as hell ain't a straight one. The submissive little gasps are NOT helping.

I'm fucking pissed on behalf of anyone who has to stay the night at this dumbass hotel. Oh my god. How could anyone fall asleep in this obnoxious hellscape.

At least the receptionist looks good tied up and struggling ;)

Cait Sith meowing his own theme song is doing something unfathomable to the part of me that almost became a furry back in middle school. Oh god no he's so adorable. I'm screwed

I'm going to dismantle that tonberry robot bolt by bolt.

Aerith and Cloud commentating the races omg kicking my feet like a little schoolgirl i love them so muchhhh

The bike minigame is just not the same without Roche's "encouragement"

Jessie 😭

Ok I'm glad that it's made clear from the get-go that Barret isn't responsible for the shooting, and he also doesn't try to take the fall for Dyne. That left a bad taste in my mouth in the OG, so this is a welcome change.

Cait Sith is a little bit too enthused about the muggin' maimin' and murderin' lmao

OH MY GOD CLOUD. Baseball bat to the back of the head was genuinely shocking. As if he didn't have enough brain damage to begin with D:

Oh yuck. Gus is insufferable and nasty. I've known this guy for all of five seconds, and I already hate his guts. Fantastic characterization right outta the gate. The music is hilarious.

Billy???? How the hell did you end up here????? Kid you GOTTA get tf out of this place

LMAOOO Elena is my favorite turk confirmed. "NO VANILLA."

Oh man. Dyne time. This entire part is so damn good. Barret wants so badly for Dyne to be the beloved friend he used to be, but he's just way too far gone. So much resentment and grief.

Second half of the Dyne battle is a little bit weird, but I can tentatively accept it.

Was definitely wondering how they would handle Dyne's suicide given the teen rating. They circumvented the issue by having Shinra troopers gun him down in a crazed last stand. Different from the OG, but still believable and well written, considering their limitations.

Now that I think about it, this game is REALLY pushin' it with the teen rating. I'm willing to bet the rating boards were like, "yeah uh we can make an exception. it's FFVII we're talkin' about." Still... wonder why they couldn't go as far with Remake.

"You carry that guilt... That weight..." Wow. That line.

Annnnd jarring tonal shift! Robot frog fight versus the comedy relief villain. To be fair, I can't think of any other decent place to put this boss, either. On the bright side, Anuran Suppressor is awesome. Favorite fight in the game so far!

I need this soundtrack in my possession right fucking now.

Oh hi Glenn

Chapter 9: The Planet Stirs (Gongaga)

dune buggy :)

Oh Yuffie... just keep a barf bucket on hand or somethin will ya?

"I just... I feel like I've been here before." Well wouldja look at that... no jenova static...

Going over the hill and seeing the reactor... damn.

CISSNEI!!!! Ouuugh girl you know EXACTLY who tf he is, don't lie.

Noooo give Cait his little mushroom back you meanie :(

Ah. The deranged picnic music.

Gongaga has a much different vibe than it did in the OG. The intense feeling of mourning and hardship is missing. No hazy purple hues or Anxiety playing. Seems like they went in more of a CC direction, with the bright blue sky and uplifting soundtrack. Can't lie, I'm a tiny bit disappointed; I was really hoping for something more heavy and melancholic.

The existence of ordinary chickens in the FFVII universe has some frightening implications for the true nature of chocobos. If you have ever kept backyard chickens, you'll know what I mean.

Ohhhhhhh.... Zack's home............. :((((((

No. No. Don't play Sky Blue Eyes. Don't fucking do this to me. I'm gonna fucking cry. Oh my god no.

"They do say no news is good news, right?" I'm gonna do it.

You know shit's bad when even Cloud "I'm Fine" Strife admits he needs to have a lie down. Yikes.

Man, I really wish we knew more about Tifa and Aerith's chats. Dramatic irony's a bitch.

They sure went all out with the mushroom thing, huh. I know they were trying to differentiate Gongaga in terms of gameplay and worldbuilding, but I feel like they went a little overboard. Gongaga was its own unique thing in OG, not sure why they felt the need to quote unquote improve upon it. Just kinda weird.

Now the reactor is a different story. They did an incredible job here. The scale of the reactor, the unprecedented destruction—

Oh God Damn It The Whispers Are Back

Seriously trying so hard to justify in my own mind why the whispers are here. I don't despise them as a concept, but their implementation is awkward and overdone. In the Gongaga reactor, they fulfill the same narrative purpose as the black robes would: to facilitate the Reunion by mentally dragging Cloud along. Sigh... I get it's because they want to familiarize the player with the whispers in anticipation of future scenes, but it still pisses me off.

That being said, the whispers' theme goes HARD and I'm elated to hear it again. It also fits super well in the Gongaga reactor. So I guess I'm not that pissed.

Touch Me renamed to Amphidex. Can't have shit in Gongaga :/

ooOOOOO!!! The mako fumes getting to Cloud's head! Poor guy's about to pass out. Nice touch.

Sephiroth/Jenova taking advantage of Cloud's mako poisoning... Oh man... the instant change in demeanor is nuts. So fucking good. Here we get to see the first time that Sephiroth has total control over Cloud, and it does not disappoint. Ruthless.

Tifa honey how and why tf are you keeping it together right now. Girl, you do NOT have to fix him. You do not have to show him your boobs a second time. You do not have to take a single thing he says seriously. You can just get up and leave I promise he's doomed by the narrative until further notice 😭😭😭

Telluric Orca Vore Moment was also not on my rebirth bingo card but Okay

Teasing the lifestream. Sure, I can get down with it. Just... y'all got a bit of a whisper problem down here. Want me to call pest control?

"No! Don't take him too!" Damn...

I would not feel safe alone in a room with a man who just tried to kill me, let alone even remotely consider intimacy, but maybe that's just me. It is refreshing to see Tifa and Cloud actually talk things out for a change.

Cloud knows there's something wrong with him and he's so scared... man :'(

What does Aerith say to her???????????? ARRRGHHH

So we're all just perfectly fine with Cloud continuing to be in charge? Nobody's got any objections to that? Alrighty Then

SURPRISE Cid Highwind!! Leaks were right, he's cleaned up. No cigs, less swears, very friendly guy. Not as off-putting as I worried it might be. I'm convinced it's just because he's got a business to run— we'll see good ol' cranky Cid in part 3.

ROCHE NOOOOOOOOOO DON'T!!!!!!!! :(

Chapter 10: Watcher of the Vale (Cosmo Canyon)

Red's real voice reveal! Red's real name reveal!! Though I really would have preferred to see his name change to Nanaki in the menu and subtitles...

Cosmo Canyon is coming off as a hippie stoner tourist trap. Yeah all of these people are correct about the planet and the lifestream, but dang if it doesn't feel like someone's about to heckle me into buying healing crystals and dreamcatchers.

The nostalgia is A++. Beautiful remaster of the music, too.

BUGENHAGEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!! SO jealous of him zoomin around on that sick af crystal ball. Screw the Costa wheelies, I want one of these bad boys.

...A legendary fakeout in the making, I think!

The observatory is stunning. Can't even put it into words. The planetarium brought me to tears, it's such a flood of nostalgia and a deeply emotional scene. I love the nice detail of the planet being different from Earth— mako tinted oceans instead of deep blue. Watching the model planet rot and crumble broke my heart.

Sobbing the whole way through Aerith's speech. My god. Poor girl. Knowing what her fate is in the OG makes it hurt even worse.

Gi Nattak. Would

Expanding upon the Gi. Unexpected but super cool. Their story reminds me of FFIX, with the parasitic planet Terra lurking deep within Gaia. The Gi and the Cetra seem to have something similar going on. Who was here first? It almost sounds like the Cetra and their lifestream are invaders.

I could easily relate to the Gi's opinion, that the endless cycle of the lifestream and the persistence of the spirit is tantamount to torture. Never being able to truly rest in peace sucks. Don't worry friends, I'll bring you the black materia! :) (THIS USER CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH THE BLACK MATERIA)

Aerith sticking her hand into the mako..............

Chapter 11: The Long Shadow of Shinra (Nibelheim)

The intense gaslighting about Nibelheim was one of my favorite things about the OG. It also helped seed even more doubt into Cloud's existence as a real person, setting up his descent into madness over the black materia and vulnerability as Sephiroth's puppet. So the changes they've made to Nibelheim in Rebirth are... unnecessary, to put it lightly.

The villagers do not argue with Tifa or Cloud about their memories of the town. They greet them and tell them all about the town's development into a mako poisoning treatment center. Sigh... Part of what made OG's Nibel revisit so dreadful was the unshakeable feeling that you are not welcome there, and that you're being watched like a hawk. I feel a little bit too comfy here in Rebirth Nibelheim, with how friendly and open everyone's being.

Love the chat with Tifa in her old room. We get so much insight into her thoughts and feelings about Nibelheim, Avalanche, and about Cloud and herself.

"Every time we made eye contact, you'd look away. And when I tried to talk to you, you'd ignore me." ouch, don't gotta poke him in the autism like that

Ohoho. The hotel's digging up some memories. I've said my piece.

dillydally

LORD have mercy. This boy's noodle is scrambled like you wouldn't believe. Good news, he remembers Zack, sort of. Bad news, he thinks he fucking drowned?!???? It's intimidating to see the lengths Jenova/Sephiroth will go to to obscure the truth from Cloud. Damn.

Ok Yuffie is actually starting to get a bit obnoxious. Please stop interrupting emotionally charged moments. We get it, you're excited about materia. Cut it out.

If I were Tifa I would be shitting my pants terrified right about now. Girl I do NOT know how you're holding it together.

And now for the most distasteful tonal shift and momentum killer of all time. It's silly kitty cat hijinks time!! ...What the actual fuck. I like Cait Sith, but this is unacceptable. The basement is supposed to be a sickening place of fear and tragedy. Turning it into a cutesy little box chucking playground is downright disrespectful to the original FFVII. I can't even believe I'm writing this, it's so absurd as a concept. This is the only major change that I'm legitimately seriously upset about.

And by god does it drag on. Every time you think, surely this is the final section!... nope. It just keeps on fucking going. Fuck my life, my blood is boiling. Unreal. Remake's slow ass hand-crane highway thing is nothing compared to this. I'll take a Queen's Blood tournament and a hurricane of whispers any day over this unrivaled masterclass in unnecessary bullshit. Fuck.

At least to some people, the reward for getting through the Cait Sith Crate Slog is worthwhile— a few cutscenes starring Vincent Valentine, and a battle against Galian Beast. But if you're like me, and you're not utterly obsessed with Vincent Valentine or Matt Mercer, then by this point, you're just feeling drained and disappointed.

Overall... least favorite chapter. Mellow start, juicy build up with great potential, completely shafted by baffling nonsense.

RIP Roche. Heartbreaking. It's been a good run. Side note, Roche's conversion into a black robe was... quite bizarre. That's just, uh, how that works, I suppose? Okie dokie then

Oh hi Glenn

Chapter 12: A Golden Key (Gold Saucer Revisit)

Always felt weird about the Gold Saucer revisit in the OG. Unusual pacing. Well, at least Rebirth's being consistent in that regard.

What's the point of the theater if you're just going to do a VR performance instead? I know it's a silly little nitpick, but I wanna hear some soles squeaking on a hardwood stage!

Ah, that's the point of the VR. So Shinra can use a dead woman's likeness to keep selling tickets to their overhyped shows. Surprised none of the characters say anything about that, given Avalanche's well-established anticapitalist message.

This is what Genesis Rhapsodos decided to hyperfixate on? No wonder the guy's hair started turning grey and falling out in chunks. [SARCASM]

Barret sobbing uncontrollably, right next to Nanaki looking like a rejected Crash Bandicoot reboot clapping his paws together. Sums up this entire game so far.

The "audience participation" in the play is altered significantly from the OG. It's, uh, very neat and tidy. I strongly prefer OG's hysterical secondhand embarrassment and awkward ad-lib.

I NEED to know what happens if you fail all of the QTEs. Please tell me it goes off the rails and Cloud gets booed off stage PLEASE.

Pretty song. But my god if that is Not What She Would Sound Like.

The gondola rides!! Overall fantastic. So difficult to pick a favorite. Tifa's is obviously phenomenal, but I think I still have a soft spot for Aerith's. I like that Barret's is taken more seriously; it's such a heartfelt moment. Yuffie reminiscing about Zack was adorable, as well as Cloud relating to her being bad with feelings. The Cait Sith/Cid/Vincent one had me laughing out loud, it was so stiff and awkward lmaoo

THE SCOTCH AND KOTCH DISS TRACK IS SENDING ME???????? SKSJKHAGAAAFDSDSDHHBFD I'm so happy to see these freaks doing their thing again.

RUFUS SHINRA?????

Yeah, no Cait Sith, you ain't garnering any pity from me. Not happening after the crate incident.

Chapter 13: Where Angels Fear to Tread (Temple of the Ancients)

So the temple is to the north now. Understandable, since that's where the Forgotten Capital is, too. Still took me by surprise. Also means we won't be going back to Gongaga... aww :(

HOLY FUCK the way the temple assembles itself... now THIS is what I'm talkin' about!

Teasing us with that fractal square symbol since all the way back in Remake...!

Roche....... "my... friend..." :(((((((

These troopers are NOT getting paid enough for this shit lmao

Oh howdy there Rathalos from Monster Hunter, you look a bit different than I remember

Thank goodness the Cetra had the foresight to incorporate some aesthetically appropriate rest benches into their temple's design!

Aerith's seance + the camera angle of the whole team watching... beautiful nod to FFX...? <3

That better not have been Kunsel.

Reno jumpscare

Elena's pretty pink pistol with the charms and stickers is so goofy. I love her. Hopefully Cloud won't try to chop her head off within the next sixty seconds or anything like tha— uh, nevermind.

oooOOURGHH Cloud is SO fucking terrifying throughout the whole temple. Cody hitting it out of the ballpark BIG TIME with the voice acting. DAMN.

Everybody but Cloud has memories to retread... broke my heart. Sad and scary. By the way Hey uhh Temple? Why the fuck would you do this to us? :(

ugly sobbing

Followed up by the Gayest Thing I Think I've Ever Seen In Video Game History

YOU! WITH THE WING!! GET DOWN HERE!!! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

Oh god no you're going to make me fight Demon Gate aren't you

THERE'S TWO OF THEM??!?!?!??!?!!! AAHGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HORRIFYING BUT RELATABLE, CLOUD

Wait. Cloud. Hey. Can we talk about it for a sec. Come back please

"There's no point fighting over a fake." WHOA I actually straight up forgot about that twist! Hell yeah! What a wham line!

"I wish I hadnae skipped leg day." pFFFFT LMAOOOOO

"Yeah... I'm good." The Fuck You Ain't

PHHWAAHH HE JUST GETS CRUSHED AWWW!! RIP LMAO WHAT A WAY TO GO

The temple's transformation is breathtaking. And that music score, too, holy fuck.

Honestly I'm not even mad about the whispers being there, they're just a setpiece at this point. Adds to the frantic atmosphere. I'm choosing to ignore their narrative relevance until absolutely necessary.

ROCHE? YOU GOOD THERE BUDDY?

THAT BOY on his hands and knees SCRAMBLING for that black materia. Gayass

CLOUD AARHGRFGGFFFFF OHHGGHH SEPHIROTH HAS COMPLETE CONTROL OVER HIM HHHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

OUUGRRHHHH OAWWWWGGHH

LISTEN. Listen I cannot formulate coherent thoughts about this. Go see it for yourself. Just go.

tee hee hee he's so proud of himself handing it over :3

It Begins.

Interlude. The Zack Moments so far:

Yeahhhh not a huge fan of Zack just dropping Cloud off at the nearest recognizable npc. Not after he almost gave his goddamn life to protect him.

MAN! Finally get to see what it's like to enter/exit Midgar. No fade to black, just on your feet and out the gate. Feels good; kinda surreal honestly. Never realized how bad I wanted this.

Regardless of what you think about the Zack thing, you gotta admit, the atmosphere during his sections is ethereal. So beautiful and calming in such a tragic way.

Love how he fights different than Cloud. Throwing punches, brutal kicks, shoulder checks, much like in Crisis Core.

HOLY FUCK don't mind me just gonna uhhh rip this five hundred pound metal post out of the ground and chuck it like a toy hammer. Suddenly the Buster Sword doesn't seem all that unwieldy.

......RIP Barret, Nanaki, and Tifa. Oof. What a way to go out.

DON'T MAKE MY SWEET BOY CRY LIKE THAT FUCK YOU!!! :(((((

Damn bitch you live like this??? To be fair, that's probably the most luxurious resting spot he's had in literal YEARS. Like wow there's a mattress!! And a roof!!!!!

Good to know that Cloud's goofy ass flinging himself out of bed straight into a combat stance thing from Remake is actually a Zack mannerism lol

Ohhh... my heart... seeing things from Cloud's perspective... I like the how this expands upon what the OG established, about "dreams" of this type. Sort of like the sleeping forest scene. Also makes Aerith's resolution scene in Remake all the more curious.

Aww... walking out onto the balcony and seeing the whole garden dead...

Obsessed with the music that plays during Zack's sections. Wow.

Awwww Marlene and Zack are such a silly duo :')

Biggs wtf did you do????????

Ziggs crashing hard onto my list of OTPs. Oops.

Divine intervention preventing a headshot? I'm sure some CS:GO players can relate.

Biggs' and Zack's conflicting memories of Cloud, plus the "broken internal clocks" is intriguing.

"Zack-of-all-trades" tickles me :D

All of their dialogue together is so self-aware... two characters who have had their narrative purposes torn out from under them, desperate to find a new one. The fact that there is no reason for them to be here is the whole point.

"We're all headed for the same place. You'll see your daddy and Tifa again." Oh ok yeah sure go ahead and rip my heart right out of my chest Elmyra

"Hello in there..." 🥺

So Remake Aerith bestowed memories of her future death upon Marlene. Is childhood innocence a prerequisite for this ability to work? Seeing as she did something similar with Nanaki. Otherwise, you'd think she would try to entrust her own fate with someone more influential, like Tifa or Barret.

I cannot fucking believe that Zaclerith endgame is real. Am I dreaming

Aww Zack has Aerith's ribbon tied around his hand...

Chapter 14: End of the World (Forgotten Capital/Final Chapter)

Ok Tsengru shippers. I finally see it. You are 100% correct about them.

Now we're getting WILD with it. The timeline shenanigans are in full swing. Speculation aplenty ahead.

"...or 'homeward bound' maybe?" Still trying to make sense of what exactly these sky-rift worlds are. Aerith's line here seems to imply that this is some kind of purgatory...? Where timelines go to wallow in their death throes? That's my understanding, so far. Especially with all of the mournful npc dialogue.

Aww... Aerith's date with Cloud mirroring the one she had with Zack in Crisis Core :')

I tell you what, the Stamp figurine made me GASP. So that's three timelines now. Beagle, Terrier, Spitz.

So Terrier Zack goes to Hojo in hopes of finding a cure for Cloud. Not his finest idea... but oh well. Jealous of his motorcycle. ;)

Sephiroth is combing timelines for one version of Aerith in particular...? Am I on the right track here? Is this the same Aerith from her resolution scene in Remake?

THE PUG made me spit my fucking drink out. Hot damn, there's four! We saw this timeline's conception in the form of the bright flash of light when Terrier Zack chose to go to Hojo.

So Pug Zack instead goes to Biggs at reactor 6. I really, really love this scene. The pump is dry, the planet's life is flashing before its eyes. A heartfelt moment shared between two characters who have had their narrative purposes torn out from under them. Zack gets a delicious bit of character progression, wanting to take back control of his life. Price of Freedom playing in the background has got me wailing like an air horn.

"I'm sick of taking its shit!" WHOA Zack swearing caught me way off guard. He flees from battle for once, instead of facing Shinra head on in this timeline. Wonder how that'll change things.

"You don't look like you're on a date... More like 'at a funeral.'" Mhm. duly noted

Give it up for timeline number five! Corgi Zack is sitting on the stairs at the church.

"Cloud, Biggs, or Aerith... How the hell am I supposed to choose?" You don't have to, darling. It's called a polycule.

Sephiroth slashes a hole in reality, and the black whispers drag Corgi Zack through it. Starting to think I shoulda done my Lifestream Black/Lifestream White homework.

So far, Aerith+Cloud's date "dream" has taken place entirely in the Spitz timeline. It's not clear if this is also true of the scene inside of the church, especially since Sephiroth comes waltzing in after we just saw him outside in the Corgi timeline. I'm getting the impression that time and space are a very hand-wavey thing in this layer of reality.

HEART EXPLODING GHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now for one of the most exhilirating things I think I've ever seen in MY LIFE.

"Behold... The true nature of reality. When the boundaries of fate are breached, new worlds are born. The planet encompasses a multitude of worlds, ever unfolding. [...] In the planet's embrace, all life is as one." Sephiroth's entire dialogue here... I got goosebumps. That's all.

"Very poor form." LMAO

I notice now on my second watch through, that as early as the sleeping forest scenes, we're cutting back and forth between two different timelines, I believe. Whenever the black or white whispers rush past, we shift perspective from one timeline to another. Pay close attention. Two worlds, simultaneous, but different.

Cloud delivers the white materia from one Aerith to another. Is this the same white materia we see from the beginning of Rebirth? I don't think she swaps the materia out, just transfers its power into her own empty materia, then hands Cloud the newly empty one.

Interesting! Looks like the timeline had already split, all the way back when Cloud handed over the black materia. Previously we saw Cloud and Aerith fall, but now— the white whispers rush past— and we see him rescue her and pull themselves up before they fall. Interesting!

Some youtube theorycrafter will piece together the symbolic significance of literally every tiny detail in this prerendered cutscene and make perfect sense of it. Looking forward to it too, because this is WAY above my paygrade.

Hello, whiper pest control services? Hi, yes, I would like to know why the white whispers are suddenly getting in the way? I thought they were my friends :(

Aerith's prayer :(((((((((

OHHGH MY GOD fucking legendary use of the haptic/adaptive triggers. Holy shit.

👁️ 👁️

Meanwhile, Zack Fair

me, banging my fists on the table: KISS! KISS!!! KISS! KISS!!!! JUST KISS ALREADY!!!!!! KISS!!!

Lmao Zack is so indifferent to this interdimensional insanity. After being the protagonist of Crisis Core, he's just like "lol whatever this is fine"

"Look at you takin' charge! I like it!" 😏

Zack+Cloud synergy attack!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!

"What in the hell is going on!?" SAME ZACK, SAME

AERITH!!!!!!!!!

OH FUCK IT'S THE SONG

the hand hold 💔

i'm incoherent. i'll figure out my thoughts about this some other time

Oh hi Glenn— OH SHIT??!?

THE SWORD CAN DO THAT?????? what

Man... the in-game skybox does NOT do that rift in the sky justice. Absolutely staggering in the final prerendered cutscene.

Next time I have a migraine aura, I'll be at ease knowing that it's just the timelines rippling and merging. No big deal

Two separate worlds, one where she lives, one where she dies. Realities overlapping and intertwined. Cloud's fragile mind fluctuating between both… wow. Can't wait to see where this leads in part 3.

Misc. thoughts, not chapter specific:

Love the accentuated mako in SOLDIER eyes. It irked me that the iconic mako color was so muted in Remake, so seeing it so vibrant in Rebirth is sexy as hell.

Um. No comment on Glenn, really. I'm not heavily invested in his story; maybe I'd be more interested if SE had actually done anything substantial with First Soldier and Ever Crisis. I don't mind that he's here, and the Jenova/Sephiroth twist was pleasantly surprising. Matt and Lucia name drop was also a nice touch. It's pretty obvious that the only reason Glenn is here is to help set up a confict against Wutai for part 3. Fair enough.

So no Kunsel? *SMASHES PHONE ON THE GROUND* *CRUSHES SKATEBOARD*

[vatican3]

i would once again love to hear your thoughts

See when I posted that it did not occur to me how hard it would be to explain this.

AU to consider:

- Nihil is an exceptionally sheltered little weirdo raised Pentecostal who is, in her teen years, completely relying on Bestie to figure out things Outside of the church. So like. All of their sexual experimenting was with each other.

- For those of you unaware about Pentecostalism’s whole deal they’re very big on feeling the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, possession, it’s a very charismatic (in the religious sense) and high energy religion.

- Family is absolutely not dealing with her intersex situation gracefully and is raising her as a boy but not at all trying to educate her in any helpful way about her own body or. Anyone else’s. Which is how this falls on Bestie which is kind of funny because he’s an idiot.

- Nihil and Bestie inevitably get to fucking around and Nihil is having a Pentecostal meltdown about going to hell but not enough to make her stop. So. (She asks if he ever worries about going to hell and he’s like. No I’m kind of focused on the hot girl* I’m kissing.)

*Nihil still hasn��t really figured out she’s a girl but she’s getting there. There’s some kind of discomfort that she isn’t putting together yet.

- After they graduate they end up moving more into the city into an apartment together totally not dating but also not not dating. They’re confused.

- Nihil is interested in furthering her rebellion against her parents and separating from her Christian upbringing and would like to do this via Tattoos & Piercings. Thankfully Bestie knows a gal (Imperator).

- Imp is many of Nihil’s awakenings. Imp is how Nihil figures out she’s a girl. Imp has done every single one of Nihil’s (quickly numerous) tattoos. (Nihil’s working as a receptionist for a doctor’s office. It’s not exciting but it’s liberating to have her own money. And she can use it to get the pretty girl to decorate her.)

- She barely even comes in with ideas anymore, she just lets Imp try out whatever designs she’s itching to put on flesh. They’re clearly hitting on each other but being terrible at approaching the situation until Imp asks her out for drinks. They get absolutely sloshed. They fuck in a gross bar bathroom. And then again back at Imp’s apartment on her couch.

- It’s exactly Nihil’s luck that she gets knocked up from the first risk she has ever taken in her life. Calls family about it. They tell her they have to get married. Imp is so on board for this. They go from not dating to being married in like a month span.

- Imp’s family is all cool. Eccentric atheists and Satanists and a smattering of Pagans. Nihil’s family fucking hates them. Imp’s family is very understanding about Nihil’s gender situation. They are very thrilled for Imp’s new wife!

- Bestie is Nihil’s best man, obviously. He is only a little bit spiritually crushed by the fact that he cucked himself by introducing his best friend that he’s in love with to the girl she ended up marrying.

- When the baby is born Bestie is their go-to babysitter and it does Not take Imp very long to notice how he looks at Nihil and is like ohhhh okay they’re in love with each other. Got it. Instead of being upset she’s just like, well Nihil deserves happiness and I’m willing to share! So they discuss. And become a throuple. (You can imagine how thrilled Nihil’s family is about this development.)

- Imp isn’t sold on Bestie personally yet. But he grows on her. And it’s way easier to parent with three of them. She’s happy to adjust to this kind of life! She is MORE than happy to watch what kind of effect Bestie has on Nihil.

etc:

- All of Nihil’s tattoos are traditional or woodcut style. She went and got someone from someone else one time to see if she was really into the tattooing or just really into Imp—it ended up being some kind of fineline nonsense she hated and begged Imp to rework to be bolder. Usually Imp doesn’t like to fuck around with other people’s work but she can make an exception for Nihil, especially considering how possessive she is (she was not happy when she learned Nihil went to someone else).

- Nihil. Septum. So many ear piercings. VCH. Are you listening. She’s running out of places to put metal in her body. Her parents fucking hate it.

[flagellant]

So. Is working with angels and/or demons a thing? And if so, how does the Christian mythology’s literal demonisation of preexisting entities (e.g. Ba’al) impact things going by those names?

Technically yes, there's a pretty ripe history of occultists trying to summon angels and/or demons. I personally avoid all of that nonsense harder than I'm avoiding the Delta variant, because holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, you could not pay me enough money to want to try and summon the Archangel Raphael or whatever into my life. Like, barring whether I could even succeed or not if I put my mind and energy to it, why would I do that. And that's with the ANGELS. That's with the good orderly lawful ones! I don't want to shame people who do work with demons and/or angels but like. Why the fuck are you all doing that. Why. What is the appeal of literal demons in your literal house. I know I work with fae so like pot meet kettle but fuck man at least I admit that the fae are cunts, demon-worshippers I've only ever seen get REALLY upset if you imply demons are at all bad.

That being said, I think to really summon any named demon--any goetic, for example--you'd probably need at least one summoning circle and probably you'd need to kill a chicken minimum. Dukes and shit aren't going to talk to a 14 year old girl who printed out some bad Latin on a site with black background and red letters about how to summon them.

And with that in mind we come to the last part, which is that spirits really fucking love to lie all the damn time to people who don't know any better. I'm convinced that half of the ZOZO shit is just people making shit up/getting pranked by their friends and the other half is any given spirit who is willing to go "Holy shit this is gonna be so fucking funny hold my sarcophagus". So like, if I ever met anyone sacrificing animals on the reg to chat with the big boys I could answer that. But until then I'm probably just gonna go with patron saint logic and say you tried calling up Stolas and you got a secretary's secretary who was bored and not paid enough.

[initiumseries]

Hey! I love your thoughts on bad tv and I’d love to hear a series wrap up on CAOS if you want to make a post about it. If not no worries and thanks for posting your thoughts on the show over the last year. Loved them and love your blog too!

Thank you!! Sure I can totally do a series wrap up, pretty much right now, in response to this ask. 

So, if I had to distill my issues with this series into a few bullet points it would be: 

-plot -world building/continuity -characters

Plot

CAOS struggles with plot, and I think the biggest reason why, is they just seemed to completely lose track of what the hell they were doing lol. Season 1, ends up being the tightest season because the plot was simple: Sabrina’s dark baptism and her leaving her mortal life behind to become one with witchkind. They beat us to death with the Satan stuff, and they cram as much corny imagery as possible in, even if it doesn’t really make sense. 

why are they having class in a hallway? Do witches not use technology? Why is that blackboard so small? Why isn’t this just a normal classroom setting?

Sabrina’s Season 1 character arc is also clear: she decides, fuck the rules, she’s going to straddle both worlds and everyone’s just gonna have to accept it. It’s not good, but it’s clear. S2, 3, 4 get completely lost in all this other weird stuff. Sabrina is actually not her father’s daughter, but Satan’s, and that plotline goes absolutely nowhere when Sabrina conveniently doubles herself (and experiences 0 consequences for it) and rules hell while also staying in Greendale as herself (seriously, it’s not like satan was dying or anything, he was perfectly fine. For what reason did Sabrina need to become Queen? There’s no answer or explanation for that, she just...did. Ok :/).  Father Blackwood goes apeshit and pulls a Jonestown, for no real reason, CAOS starts leaning heavily into this white feminism stuff (for godsake, the coven kills a DEMON, with the fucking pain of childbirth?! Are you SERIOUS??) Then, s3, it’s about losing their powers because Satan is childish and petty, and a new group of spellcasters are out to kill the witches, and Prudence and Ambrose hunting Blackwood. S4, the eldritch terrors, which honestly, make so little sense, I couldn’t even be bothered. Each season, CAOs falls deeper into the trap of trying to up the ante, make the danger BIGGER, WILDER, more insurmountable, while being completely unprepared to stay consistent with their characters/motivations and undercutting their own BIG ideas with stupid, nonsensical solutions (let me trap this all powerful eldritch terror by taking it to a party, proposing and luring it into a magicked dollhouse...wtf?). 

Worldbuilding/Continuity

What I hate most about these writers for Riverdale and CAOS is that they just don’t feel beholden to being consistent in their worldbuilding and continuity. I don’t find anything cool about kids living in houses with old tvs and rotary phones, but then having a cell phones or wearing modern clothes. Historical anachronisms like that should serve a purpose. 

It COULD be interesting if the conceit is that Zelda and Hilda are OLD, so they take comfort in old things like that, but then that should be specific to the Spellman house, and it should be weird. People should take note of it when they’re there, Sabrina should be conscious of it because she grew up in a time where TVs didn’t look like they were stuck in the 50s. But instead, it’s just...a stupid mess of aesthetic anachronisms for no reason other than they can do it and I just find that to be lazier than utilizing those details in an interesting way. 

In season 1, we get a relatively clear idea that the witches have a certain way of life, that bleeds into season 2. It’s still very sloppy; the anti-pope, using satan where we’d use “god”, introducing the feast and other dangerous parts of being a witch, and essentially just doing the opposite of christianity (except for the racism/sexism ofc. That would require too much thinking I guess). But by season 3, essentially the witches’ way of life have been completely turned upside down. And we never...unpack that. There’s no mourning for literal millennia of supposed tradition, there’s no real floundering or struggling. There are apparently no other adults AT ALL in this magical world outside of Blackwood, Zelda and Hilda, so there’s no real way to get a sense of the REALITY of losing their way of life for these witches, or this world. Is it even a world? Or just a handful of people? Lol. What it means to have to choose a new god to pray to, and is there an divisiveness over who? In Harry Potter, the kids’ parents are tangentially involved when they start pulling their kids out of Hogwarts. Do any of these kids’ parents pull them out of the school when they start praying to Lilith and then Hecate? Do any of the boys have issues with moving from a male god to a female one? Where did all these kids come from if they didn’t have parents and families? Is this witch world just...the school? Why? It would have been interesting watching the witches struggle and scramble to regain their powers while also being hunted by this new, threatening group whose magic seems to be much older, much darker. But instead, they just pivot, and have a fucking picnic before the full moon. 

There’s nothing interesting about characters just constantly pivoting around obstacles without having any real emotional reaction, any real struggles. Obstacles like losing their powers, should be an actual obstacle. They should struggle, there should be emotional weight, and consequences. Instead, Sabrina continues to break rules to suit her agenda, put her friends and family and risk and everyone just...rolls with it. No one is angry at Sabrina for the loss of their powers? Her choice to not become Queen of hell is why they lost their powers right? No one has feelings about that? Sabrina isn’t ostracized? We never see the way these choices, or the overarching plot obstacles impact the characters emotionally. Instead, they’re doing this stuff:

Which is completely ridiculous to me. It all just...HAPPENS. Which is this entire series. Stuff happens, and the characters just, do stuff in reaction to it. Harvey, Theo and Roz are ostensibly human, living human lives. They end up getting pulled into Sabrina’s world, and no one has any strong feelings about that? Harvey’s brother is killed, Roz is turned to stone and Theo talks to his dead great aunt and none of them are haunted by any of that? No? They just decide to create a faux scooby club to fight demons?  Ok. And that cheerleading things is over as quickly as we see it. Stuff like this is insanely frustrating to watch because it makes the show a nonsensical slog to sit through. There’s nothing interesting or engaging to latch onto because they just hammer through it all and make up stupid solutions to get themselves out of the impossible stakes they threw the characters in in the first place. They introduce ideas and discard them just as quickly. An ex:angels show up, start killing people, Sabrina channels satan and kills them, and then that’s the last of those guys. Metatron (jfc even the name is stupid) shows up and is killed just as quickly.  Why bother introducing them then? Why bother do any of the things you’re currently doing in this show if you have no intention of seeing it through? 

Characters 

No one on this show gels, at all.  I don’t believe Theo/Roz/Harvey/Sabrina have been friends for ages. I don’t believe Sabrina and Nick are “end game” (why the hell do we keep saying this riverdale? It’s stupid and senseless). I don’t believe any of these relationships at all. Part of this is because the cast have no chemistry with each other:

they do not look like a friend group or couples at all, these are a bunch of people paired together.

But also because they weren’t consistent at all. 

Father Blackwood went from a witch/warlock purist, to a raging sexist, to a cult leader who killed his followers, to a raging maniac bent on hitler-esque destruction in 4 seasons...for nothing. It served no purpose. He didn’t even DO anything. He was nice to the Eldritch Terrors, and became immortal...for nothing. He killed the coven, for nothing. He killed his wife in childbirth, for nothing. Zelda stole the baby, for nothing. None of that amounted to anything worth while in the entire series. So what was the point?  Zelda marrying Faustus also made no sense and only happened to show JUST how sexist he was! But why? WHY? We don’t receive explanations for character behaviour, and when we do, it still makes no sense. 

Sabrina breaks all these rules and experiences ZERO consequences. At all times, and it makes her a terrible main character. Everyone else abides by the rules but she doesn’t and doesn’t have to pay for that? Why? She straddles both worlds instead of committing to one, and that was the closest we got to seeing consequences for her. Everyone rushes in to help Sabrina break rules instead of holding her accountable for feeling above them. Sabrina creates 2 versions of herself, and they sloppily tie in that all the realms are converging in on each other because of what she did. Except she and Sabrina Morningstar had been hanging out...ostensibly for days/weeks/months (who knows? Not this show!) before we saw any potential issues, and then we end up finding out that this is about the next eldritch terror, not about Sabrina existing as a double in 1 universe. People get upset for a second and then move on to help her. So why have rules in this world at all if it means nothing to break them? 

Nick goes through literal hell, and immediately cheats on Sabrina because of how a man made of clay looked at her. That’s laughable to me. It makes no narrative sense. Their relationship doesn’t even make sense.

Roz and Harvey spend 90% of their time almost fucking. It’s bizarre. Their getting together was random and every single scene with them alone in it is like a precursor to fucking and I don’t get why. This show does not grasp how to build up relationships. Also do these kids not have parents? Theo and Harvey stay having constant sleepovers with their respective partners, in their parents’ houses? Really? At seventeen? Lol k. 

I feel like, if CAOS were better thought out, it could have actually been interesting. But it was just a smorgasbord of stuff happening, and characters doing stuff, and none of that following in any real narrative way. Storytelling has structure for a reason, and a show with a good story structure usually yields an enjoyable watching experience. CAOS is a pretty strong example of how throwing that out and relying so heavily on aesthetics and still taking the show so seriously it’s not even fun terrible, gets you nowhere. Ultimately I’m glad it’s over.

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

You said we can ask you questions so here goes( hope they arent invasive)

-at what age did u realise u were lesbian?was it easy/hard to accept?

-how was your coming out like? How did your family and friends react?

-were you ever/are you religious?do u believe one can balance between being homosexual and religious?

- were you always masc or is it something that came with accepting your sexuality?

-do you call yourself a stud?

- how hard/easy has it been being an out and proud black lesbian?

- thoughts on the stigma against stud4stud/butch4butch lesbians

-were you ever a TRA/libfem? If yes, what made you peak?

-ive had ppl talk about how masc lesbians being touch-me-nots is problematic/toxic and how its more about upholding a "status" than it is about preference. What do you make of that?

Not invasive at all! I'm happy to answer and thank you for asking :).

- I realized I was a lesbian at age 12 when I developed a HUGE crush on my gorgeous English teacher. I also got a small crush on a girl in one of my classes. I didn't grow up around much homophobia so it wasn't hard for me to accept that I was gay but what was hard was the absolute intensity of my feelings towards my teacher. I used to pray to god to have my feelings for her taken away because they were just so intense and I didn't know how to handle them (she was my teacher so I clearly wasn't going to ask her out. There was literally no outlet for what I was feeling so I kept it bottled.). My parents never brought up gay people in any positive or negative way and the kids I grew up around didn't really either. So me being gay wasn't something I beat myself up over. Once I accepted that I wasn't an overly invested straight ally, the road to acceptance was a peace of cake tbh.

-My coming out was... Well. I first started coming out to my friends when I was 13 and they were accepting of it. It honestly wasn't that interesting to tell you the truth 😅. All the peers that I gave a shit about never gave me shit for being gay. I never lost a friend for being gay. Coming out to my parents took me until I was 16 and the reason for that is because I genuinely didn't know how they'd react. Like I said, they never said anything about gay people point blank period. However, I was kind of forced to come out one particular night because my heart had been fucking shattered by a girl I was strongly crushing on at the time. I was pacing up and down my house, my best friend wasn't answering me, I could hear my dad's TV playing, it was late, I was tired, I couldn't sleep, I had school tomorrow, I was freaking out, I was devastated... I wanted to be comforted so I went to my father, threw my head into his arm and started telling him how my heart felt broken. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said "nope" there was some silence and he was like "it's okay, I've known for a long time". I never actually said the words "gay" or "lesbian" during my coming out but I guess I didn't need to. The next morning, my father asked if it was okay if he could go tell my mom and I said yes. Long story short, my mom was even less surprised than my dad and she's the more progressive of the two so it wasn't really an issue (though she did tell me to keep an open mind in terms of liking men 😅 she seems to think I'm bisexual which is whatever because she never bothers me about it).

-Hmm. I don't like to completely cut out religion from my life. My father was extremely religious and now that he's gone, I feel it's disrespectful for me to say God doesn't exist. Like, "dad, you spent practically your whole life believing wholeheartedly in God but guess what! It was a waste and the thing you dedicated your life is something I think is a fairytale!" that doesn't sit right with me at all. I've been baptized and I used to go to church when I was younger. I think that there's no reason to shake my head at the possibility of a God. In terms of being gay and believing in God, I once watched a video by a devout Christian gay man who went through all the homophobic stuff Christians love to quote from the bible and gave the actual meaning behind them. I, personally, do not think that God is homophobic. I think that God's love is not something we have the capacity to understand. So, I, personally, think Christian gay people are perfectly fine and are already balanced. Here's to hoping that they stay away from homophobic churches!

-No, I wasn't always masc. As a child I was a huge girly girl. Like, legit, I wasn't a tomboy in the slightest lmao. I'm not sure when I started being masc. But what I do know is that I've grown far more masc over the years. I used to not want to dress too manly (no tuxedo's and no clothes from the men's section and no boxers) but nowadays I love all of those things and that's genuinely what I want in my wardrobe so I have no problem going into the men's section for my clothes.

-No, I don't call myself a stud. Love those guys though. The label I feel that's most accurate for me is masc.

-Um, I'm not sure how to answer this since I don't have experience being any other kind of lesbian. I guess it's just kind of tiring. I'm black, female, and homosexual. That's a LOT of different topics to give my attention to. The hardest part of being a black lesbian is knowing who to give my camaraderie to. Do I give it to black women? Black women AND black men? Lesbians? Only black lesbians? The lgb community as a whole? It's just a lot to think about. I will say, though, I think that it's a lot harder to be a masc black lesbian than a white one. Black women are already perceived as manly just based off of our skin color. So for me to willingly present masc can often be... A non-pretty picture in the eyes of society and I'm hyper-aware of that which is why I often have trouble going all out with the wardrobe I truly desire. That's my biggest challenge navigating the world as the black lesbian that I am. On a more positive note though, it's great being a black lesbian because I can have an opinion on everything and nobody can tell me I'm being racist/homophobic/sexist or stepping outside of my lane 😂. I'm on a three-lane road motherfucker and I'm not afraid to use all of them.

-my thoughts are that you should leave people alone. I will say though, I once read something that was like "if you call yourself a femme but the idea of being with a butch disgusts you, you're not a femme, you're just a feminine lesbian" and that rang true to me so it feels hypothetical (and nonsensical) if the reverse wasn't true as well. If a butch/stud shits on femmes and assumes they can't be as feminine as they are and ACTUALLY gay then I do have a problem. Butches and femmes have a history that's damn near inseparable from each other so for a butch to shit on femmes... I'd argue that they're probably not butch but instead just masculine lesbians. However, I don't care if two butches or studs want to date lmao. All the power to them, I hope they're happy.

-I definitely used to support trans rights more than I do now. I would correct people who misgendered others. I thought trans women were women. I was in support of bathroom laws. I never made posts about it, but I very much did believe it. Magdalen berns made me peak. I started realizing that gender makes no sense. I did some research and came to the conclusions I hold today. Even when I want to go back to my ignorance, I can't because I've seen too much by now.

-I honestly don't know. I think that some masc lesbians don't want to be put in that "feminine" position of being touched by their partner. It could stem from upholding a status but at the end of the day, sexual boundaries are sexual boundaries. What are you gonna do? Force your touch on to them? Yikes. Leave them be. If you're upset about your partner not wanting to be touched by you then get a new one. Clearly you're not sexually happy so leave. I don't think it's necessarily toxic unless they think there's something inherently demeaning in being touched by their partner or they do want to be touched but won't allow themselves due to trauma or feeling like there's a certain persona they must uplift. Other than that though, I don't see the issue.

Thanks for the questions, buddy ❤️

[nuclearnerves]

Y'like creepy stories n horror films? ...Ever heard of The Tar G-Man?

I’ve got mixed feelings about the horror genre...

On one hand there’s some BRILLIANT and absolutely AMAZING stories that can be told through the lens of human fear. Also, unsettling and upsetting media used to portray certain feelings or just make really cool shit happen where you get fascinated or even wonder “why am i so upset by this?” is so so sooo good. It took a lot of my life to figure out how to parse the horror genre because I used to be pretty adverse to gore and killing for no reason (still am, kinda), so i would avoid things all together. I watched the Grudge when I was 11 and then Yoko with her missing lower jaw showed up I cried and had to sleep in my dads bed that night because I was so scared! But somewhere down the line, after I was done being obsessed with how scared I was, instead I just started thinking “wait... isn’t she a regular person who was just hurt? What if she doesn’t want to get me? What if she’s just as scared as I am?” and I started to like, picture what it would be like if I went up to her and made friends with her. I would imagine us just sitting down and drawing pictures for each other, and all the fear went away! That’s how I started REALLY loving monsters and the horror genre, is when I could really sympathize with the monsters.

Now as for horror movies, ehhh. It’s really over-washed with... bullshit. Unreal “the schizophrenic psycho was the killer” ableism, the constant stream of “it was a satan worshiping demon summoning cult” boring nonsense, it got so fucking trite and over-done that the horror genre actually just pisses me off now. It’s so fuckin stupid. Like okay bro I get it you were raised Christian and don’t understand how any other religion works. Oh God don’t even get me started on the “making you wait for 20 minutes, watching an actor slowly nervously walk down a dark hallway with a candle so that you can have a two second jump scare” idiocy. Go fuck yourself I have ADHD and you didn’t even scare me you just bored me until I fell asleep.

I’m also kinda concerned about people actively marketing horror to kids. Five Nights at Freddys, Bendy and the Ink Machine, Slenderman, and I think a lot of Trevor Hendersons artwork is being made into games for kids now too. Henderson is an incredible artist, so I’m cheering him on to make that schmoney, but still. Something about it feels odd. See a part of me is like “we should let kids do what they want so long as its not hurting anyone” and it’s not, and also I kinda like that kids can now express fears or frustrations they might have in harmless and fun ways. Actually on second thought, letting kids have their own genre of horror doesn’t sound too bad. Just don’t let them condone murder or violence and we’re fine. I mostly just don’t want big companies marketing off the fear of children. A lot of these games and stories are also kinda boring to me, they’re not really my type of fun horror. I like psychohorror and not just “ooo imma getchee” horror.

So sliding aside the shit that’s very clearly “Here’s some overdone bullhankey we’re throwing at you so you can give us money”...

SOME HORROR THAT I GENUINELY LOVE, GAMES AND MOVIES: -Jordan Peele’s “Get Out”, absolutely brilliant thriller about racism with a satisfying ending. Poignant, realistic, haunting and terrifying. I need to watch Peele’s other things, I think he’d doing the candyman soon??? VERY excited for that. I also still need to see “Us”

-Playdead’s “INSIDE”- ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SHOWSTOPPING IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY. EASY TO PLAY VIDEO GAME PUZZLE PLATFORMER. HAUNTING VISUALS. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SOUND DESIGN. Not even that scary imo just deeply unsettling and an absolute delight to play and watch. The story behind it is left vague for you to interpret but imo that’s a part of the charm! There’s a sense that you’re being hunted, but it’s not a single psycho killer, it’s a mass of guards and some kind of corporation and mermaids and all types of scary shit that’s outside your control. The ending is glorious and sad as it is beautiful.

-For a nice sheer shot of “oh god oh god oh fuck i’m going to die i’m so fucking scared someone please help” just play or watch PT. See, PT is one of those things that hits all the “what’s over done w the horror genre” but does it RIGHT. Distressingly realistic visuals. Madness from being in the same place all at one. Jumpscares done at tasteful times. Seriously upsetting visuals that make you want to throw up. It’s one of those horror games that is GENUINELY FUCKING SCARY. it leaves you “time to breathe” but gives you NO place to feel safe while breathing. You have no weapon, you’re locked in a house and you’re slowly being peeled apart bit by bit with guilt and resentment as you’re being pulled slowly down into hell as the ghost of what you did comes at you. It’s soooo good. There’s no killing unless you (the player) get killed.

...but to answer your question, no, I have not heard of the Tar G-man.

[teaveetamer]

My Issues With TFioS (and Other Elements of John Green)

Alright I’m just going to preface this with two things.

It’s been about six years since I’ve read the entire thing through, so my points are probably not going to be as detailed or precise as they were when I first read it.

If you enjoyed the book, identify with the fanbase, or like John Green in any capacity... Great! You might want to skip this one. This is definitely not the post for you. I’m going to put all of my more controversial thoughts under the cut so if you don’t want to see them you can just move on.

I brought up the book in that other post because I felt it had relevance to the discussion of “authors using characters as a mouthpiece”, but that’s only a small part of my issue with the book itself. I suppose I could have used a fanfiction example, since there’s more than enough fodder there, but I brought up The Fault in our Stars specifically because I feel comfortable criticizing a book in a way that I don’t feel comfortable criticizing fan works. John Green is a public figure that produced a paid product, made money, and does this professionally, while most fanfic authors are amateurs that provide free entertainment and just do it for fun.

Now with that said, we move on to the meat of the post.

Some Background

Perhaps this is not a little known fact, but I absolutely adore love stories. I don’t have incredibly high standards for them by any means, and in fact I actively enjoy them even when they aren’t the deepest, most thought provoking pieces. Someone got me a copy of Red, White, and Royal Blue for my birthday this year and I read the entire thing cover to cover in a day (and I seriously recommend if you’re looking for a pretty easy read with a lot of gay).

The only thing I love more than love stories? Tragic love stories, of course. If anyone has followed my fanfiction or main blog for any amount of time then you know that I love a little bit of tragedy. Usually with a happy ending, but not always. So when one of my friends shoved (and I mean literally shoved) The Fault in Our Stars  into my hands and billed it as a “tragic but heartwarming love story” I thought it would be perfect for me.

I was sixteen at the time, the target age demographic, and I was always looking for books with smart, well written teen characters. At this point in my life I’d never heard of John Green or his fanbase before. I tell you this because I disliked the book as I read it, but I think John Green and his fanbase are a major factor in why I disliked it so much I’m willing to sit down and write a blog post about it six years later. Granted, that’s not all on the book, but it is a factor.

Needless to say, I was not all that impressed by it. At some points I was downright infuriated, really.

My Issues With the Book

In summary, it feels very meh and overly pretentious. After about two chapters I just wanted to put it down, and the only reason I pushed through is because my friend insisted that it got better. She said it was funny, relatable, and intelligent, but I found it to be none of these things.

The impression I got was that the author, whoever he was, fancied himself terribly clever and he wanted everyone to know it. You know the type, the kinds of people that go around and assure everyone of how smart they are? It feels like it was made for haughty teens to brag about how intelligent they were because they read a “deep” book.  The book itself, despite being a surface level of “witty”, didn’t really have anything to say. In the end it reads like a thirty-something year old man bragging about how smart he is and waxing philosophical about the nature of life (and... Breakfast food..?) and using a fictional teenage girl to do it.

That’s why I brought up the “mouthpiece” thing. I didn’t want to read a book about a thirty-something dressing up his thoughts as a teenage girl. I wanted to read a book about a teenage girl.

Speaking of Hazel Grace… I don’t know if this is a common experience, but can anyone else tell when a man writes a female character? I find that I usually can. Men have a particular voice when they write, and especially when they write women. Every single page hammered me over the head with the fact that this was a man who was trying (and, in my opinion, failing miserably) to write a relatable teenage girl. And, in my opinion, he parroted a lot of very upsetting, dangerous mentalities for young women.

There were quite a few “I’m not like other girls, and not just because of the cancer!” moments (a mentality that I find wholly problematic coming from other women, let alone a man writing for a woman) that just had me rolling my eyes straight out of their sockets. She doesn’t care about shoes, see! She reads books! Isn’t that awesome and unique? Because, apparently, women are not allowed to do both.

These problematic mentalities extend into the book’s romance plot, too. Augustus is, frankly, one of the creepiest motherfuckers I’ve ever had the displeasure to read about. Not only is his aggressive creepiness portrayed as romantic, but Hazel reacts exactly how men wish women would react to their advances. Unfortunately I don’t have a copy of the book in front of me so you won’t get much in the way of direct quotes, but some examples include:

He stares at her, completely unblinking, for the duration of their cancer kids support group meeting… before they’ve even so much as spoken a word to each other. Which also features this gem of a quote: "A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well." which just perpetuates the disgusting misconception that women are okay with being creeped on as long as a guy is attractive. Spoiler alert: We fucking aren’t.

He repeatedly refers to Hazel as “Hazel Grace”, despite her introducing herself as “Hazel” and asking him to just call her “Hazel”. And not only does he ask for her full name, he demands she give it to him. This rings all kinds of alarm bells for me, because you know who else does that kind of shit? Christian Grey. And it’s manipulative, disrespectful, and downright rude. It is essentially saying “I hear your desires, but I would prefer to address you how I want to address you, not how you would like to be addressed, because my ego is more important than your comfort”.

Hazel is perfectly fine with getting into a complete stranger’s car and spending time at his house mere minutes after meeting with him and after all of the questionable shit he just pulled.

Continuing this book’s litany of problems with women, let’s talk about Isaac’s (ex)girlfriend. The book treats their breakup as this massive betrayal, then even goes on to justify vandalizing her property because of it.

I’m sorry, but no.

You, as an autonomous human being, have the right to end a relationship with someone else whenever, wherever, and for whatever reasons you designate, regardless of previously expressed emotions or promises. How and when she did it was not the most ideal, but she’s an emotionally immature teenager, and there’s never going to be a good time to do something like this. What was she supposed to do, keep pity dating him because she felt sorry for him? Wait until someone invented technology to cure blindness? Assuming she did actually break up with him because of his disability… Are her reasons shitty? Sure. But she’s allowed to have them.

And you know what? He’s allowed to be mad about it. His anger might be completely understandable, if not totally justified. But you know what else? That does not give him the right to take revenge on her by vandalizing her property.

I would have no problem with this scene if it were honest about what it was: a bunch of teenagers with under-developed frontal lobes that are angry and feeling vindictive. But it’s not that. It’s depicted as not only completely justified, but heroic. I’m sorry, no. You are never heroic for harassing another human being.

And Augustus’s dumb little speech to her mom is such garbage. You really expect me to believe that a grown woman was so pwned by some jerk teenager’s super witty justification for destroying her property that she just went inside and, idk, watched TV? Didn’t call the police to report the crime that he and his friends were actively committing against her? Bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit, that scene is pretty egregious, but that doesn’t even begin to cover my issues with this book’s pretentious dialogue. If you told me that they ran every word in this book through Thesaurus.com then I would believe you without hesitation. The one hook, the draw, the thing that kept me reading was supposed to be the relatable characters, but they just aren’t relatable. They’re not realistic in the slightest. Seriously, go read any line of this book out loud and tell me how ridiculous you feel. I kept expecting Augustus to pull off his skinsuit and reveal that he was secretly a robot trying to imitate human speech the entire time.

I’m not sure how far I can go into this point without giving you direct quotes, but half the stuff that comes out of these characters mouths is pseudo-intellectual nonsense. “Put the killing thing between your teeth so it can’t kill you”?

It’s not a metaphor.

Putting an unlit cigarette in your mouth is still stupid. I guess it won’t give you lung cancer, but really? It’s still not a great idea.

Augustus has to go buy these cigarettes, which means he’s actively going out and giving money to an industry that has been funding pseudoscience and suppressing health initiatives that would prevent people from suffering what he did (i.e. fucking cancer).

Here’s a clue: Tobacco companies don’t actually care about what you do with the cigarettes. Their transaction stops as soon as you put the money in their hands. I could purchase a hundred packs and throw them in the garbage, and the only thing they know is that they got about $600 from me. Way to “stick it to the man”, asshole. You’re not clever.

With the exception of the Isaac’s-girlfriend thing, all of that is in chapters 1-4, by the way. This book turned me off so thoroughly that early.

So by the time the Amsterdam trip rolled around I was already not enjoying this book, but then this thing happened and it was just the final nail in the coffin for me. You probably know what I’m talking about already, but if you don’t… The Anne Frank Museum kiss.

I honestly cannot even articulate how incredibly tasteless and disrespectful I find the entire thing, and not only does that happen, but it’s followed by an r/ThatHappened “and then everybody stood up and clapped!” Seriously?

There are smarter, more well-versed people than me that have covered this topic, so I’ll leave the analysis for why that’s all kinds of wrong to them.

Those are really my big gripes, though there’s a few smaller ones (like Augustus throwing a pre-funeral like are you a psychopath? Why would you put the people you love through that???) that I’m not going to touch on because they weren’t all that instrumental in putting me off. Instead I’ll move on to the external factors.

The Fanbase

So I finished the book, a little miffed at having just wasted my time, and immediately told my friend that I didn’t like it much, and that I would be returning her copy the next day. Feeling pretty meh-to-slightly-negative about it, but whatever, it happens.

I was essentially met with “wow I can’t believe you didn’t get it.” and “Oh well maybe you’ll finally understand how deep it is when you’re older” from my friend. Which is really just one step away from the wow can’t you read?! BS that I’ve been seeing more and more frequently these days. So immediately I was pissed. All that aside, I was sixteen, the target age demographic? If I didn’t ‘get it’ then John Green was doing a pretty piss poor job of conveying what it is.

So I went online seeking something. Either validation that I wasn’t wrong and that I didn’t miss the point, the book just wasn’t great, or an explanation of what this it was that I’d missed. And let me tell you... Spotting a negative opinion of this book was like looking for a unicorn. There were a few, and many of them were met with the same kind of thing I had experienced. Vitriol, insistence that they were stupid or that they didn’t get it (again, with no explanation of what it was), and, apparently, a lot of harassment and threats.

I discovered that John Green’s target audience had a tendency to be… A bit obsessive. Lots of young, impressionable teenagers that were willing to jump on an opposing opinion with zealous outrage. If I had any interest in pursuing any of John Green’s other works or John Green as an internet personality any further, then it died in that moment. Absolutely nothing turns me off like a rabid, spiteful fanbase.

Now by this point I was already in the rabbit hole, and I began encountering a lot of criticisms of John Green and the things he’s said and done in the past. I did not like what I found.

John Green Himself

To be extremely blunt, the guy put such a bad taste in my mouth that it retroactively soured my opinion of The Fault in Our Stars even more. Since this is a post about my opinions on the book, I’m only going to be discussing things that affected my view at the time I read it. These are all things that happened six years ago, and I have no idea what this man has been up to or what he’s said about any of these topics since.

Let’s just get this out of the way… John Green writes the same book over and over. There’s always a quirky, nerdy white boy that is invariably cisgendered, and almost always straight. He is always an outcast with only a few friends, though apparently never directly bullied. He always meets an edgy girl that he falls in love with the idea of. Usually there is a road trip somewhere in there too.

The Fault in our Stars admittedly doesn’t follow the exact same framework, but it’s close enough in a lot of ways. Instead of the Quirky, Too-Smart-For-His-Own-Good cisboi being the PoV character, it’s the love interest (Hazel also fits this description, albeit a female version). Hazel and Augustus are both still outcasts. Hazel is attracted to Augustus because he’s Deep and Edgy and A Little Larger Than Life. The road trip is a flight to Amsterdam.

Looking at the man... Yeah the entire premise starts to come off as some weird self-insert fanfiction. I can feel the “I was a quirky, bullied teen and I wish this is how my high school life had been!” energy coming through absolutely every pore and every molecule of ink. Every character reads like John Green. John Green has written book after book and the main character always appears to be John Green in a slightly different teenage skinsuit.

And that’s fine, I guess. A little lazy, but I guess it’s working for him since he’s making hella bank? It’s certainly not enough to put me off the guy, just not something I’m interested in reading, and not something I find compelling.

What put me off for good were some of his comments. Dude skeeves me the fuck out. I’ll just go over some of the highlights I found at the time, and why they upset me so much when I heard them.

“Nerd girls are the world's most underutilized romantic resource.”

As a nerdy girl that has been stalked and harassed by men because I’m “good girlfriend material” (aka I like video games and traditionally masculine stuff and I’m pretty! I must be a unicorn!), this statement is disgusting.

I don’t care if it was a joke. I don’t care if he wasn’t being serious. This is the kind of shit that men think is a compliment because they think it makes “quirky” girls feel “unique” and “special”, but that “complement” is also an insult. You know why? Because it makes female interests all about how men perceive their sexual or romantic viability.

John Green’s penchant for writing “special” and “unique” girls (while simultaneously shaming “typical” girls, but I’ll get to that in the next point) and depicting them as the ideal woman just reaffirms my feelings about this quote. I think, on some level, John Green has no idea why this is such a bad take. And that’s not even getting into the fact that he called human beings resources. Women are not objects that exist to be a plot device or for your gratification. Fuck right off with that shit.

“She was incredibly hot, in that popular-girl-with-bleached-teeth-and-anorexia kind of way, which was Colin’s least favourite way of being hot”

This is just one quote of many that shames people with eating disorders and weight problems (on both ends of the spectrum, “too fat” and “too skinny”. Another fun one being: “there’s the weird culturally-constructed definition of hot, which means ‘that individual is malnourished, and has probably had plastic bags inserted into her breasts.’")

Know what this line is? It’s called “negging”, and it’s a popular tactic of incels because it works. You make someone seek your approval by intentionally giving them backhanded compliments to undermine their self esteem. The idea is that the more you insult them, the harder they’ll work to try and impress you. It doesn’t work on everyone, but you know who it does tend to work on? Insecure younger people (usually girls). You know who John Green’s target audience is? Insecure teenage girls.

As for the actual substance of the quote… I hate it. He’s shaming a woman for the choices she makes over her appearance. Which are, fun fact, none of his damn business. Also the idea that “skinny” and “anorexic” somehow need to go hand in hand is just wrong, insulting women for a mental health disorder they have no control over is offensive, and using a serious mental health disorder (did you know that anorexia is the most deadly mental health condition?) as an insult is disgusting.

Coming back to my earlier point about shaming “normal” girls, this quote is just the tip of the iceberg. He repeatedly shames women in his books for looking or behaving “typically”, while quirky girls are lauded as the ideal. Quirky girls are “weird and interesting” and normal girls are “boring”. If this was intended as a compliment, it’s a shitty one. If you have to shame one group to make another feel better, it is not a compliment. You are lowering all women when you pull that shit. You teach them that in order to feel good about themselves another group has to be made to feel worse.

And hey, maybe the pretty girl likes her teeth bleached because it makes her feel confident? Why can’t bleached teeth girl and anime t-shirt girl both be beautiful and unique and confident in their own right? Why is it “powerful” for anime t-shirt girl to wear her nerdy clothes, but scorn-worthy for bleached teeth girl to like bleaching her teeth?

What John Green is doing is simply replacing one ideal (skinny pretty girl) with another (quirky cute girl), and then he pretends like his version is somehow “woke” because it’s not based on physical appearance (though all of the women in his books are also physically attractive. Hmmm. Guess “nerd girls” are only “viable resources” when they aren’t hard to look at?).

And trust me, I’ve been down this path. I’ve been taken in by guys who try to make me feel ~special~ by putting down other women, and it leads to absolutely nothing good. It doesn’t make you feel better. It just makes you feel angry and resentful, and that’s not a place you want to be in. In fact, this was a mentality I had recently escaped from around the time I picked up this book. Seeing someone with as much influence as John Green parroting this specific brand of toxic shit to exactly the audience that would be most likely to feed into it? I was never going to be able to like the guy, sorry.

I know some people are able to “separate the art from the artist”, and I might have been willing to do that had the book actually been good… but it wasn’t. So in the end the book just looked worse for all of the author’s shortcomings.

So yeah, in summary: The book was mediocre at best, the author pushed all of my angry feminist buttons, and elements of the fanbase were annoying, condescending, and spiteful. I didn’t like the book in the first place due to the myriad of problems plaguing it, but everything else just made it look so much worse in hindsight.

Anyways, this probably got kind of ranty, but it was cathartic and I did make this blog to vent about dumb stuff. I think this qualifies.

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #17 (1980)

Oh! This is the issue where we learn that the toughest motherfuckers in Estarcion are priests!

What is the statute of limitations for stealing from nuns because have I got a story for my memoir! That's as close to an anecdote as I have for a comic book cover with a priest on it. At least I think that's a Tarimite priest and I think that was an anecdote (albeit a mysterious one!). It's been awhile since I've read Cerebus and I've certainly never seen most of these covers. You know how you can tell most Christians have never read The Bible? Because they're still Christian. I swear to fucking Christ it's the most ridiculous motherfucking thing I've ever read and I've read the later Xanth novels! I don't detect any hint of animosity or marital regret in Deni's "A Note from the Publisher." That just means I didn't find anything worth discussing since I'm inherently a 7th grade gossip. Dave Sim's Swords of Cerebus essay discusses sitcom television and how important it is to keeping everybody's minds diluted to the point of inefficacy. His major point is that it's easy to watch a four hour block of sitcoms without your brain coming up with one thought of its own. Obviously that's the lure of television. But what's not so obvious to most people is that it's not the show or the writing or the sitcom that's keeping you from having your own thoughts about them (although, granted, some aren't worth any thoughts at all). It's the block of time spent sitting and watching them one after the other. If a show offers an intelligent story line commenting on the troubles of our daily lives, the viewer has not time to process what they have just seen. They simply move on to the next show dumped into their viewing trough while whatever they just watched is dumped out the back of the brain to make room for the next character slipping on a banana peel causing Mr. Roper to smile mischievously at the camera because obviously that's what a gay person would do. This way of watching television mindlessly was probably more pertinent to the last century; now we are in full control of everything we watch and have ample time to pause a show or movie and discuss important and relevant bits rather then letting them simply disappear in the flicker of afterimages. Although, we sort of live in a binge culture now and watch entire shows in one sitting so we can move on to the next one. I miss the amount of discussion to be had during the week while waiting for the next episode of Wiseguy or Twin Peaks or Three's Company. Okay, maybe not that last one. What was there to discuss about that show other than why the fuck a landlord had any say in the roommate two women choose to share their apartment with?! If you read Dave Sim's essay, right now you'd be wondering, "How the fuck did that essay cause you to write those thoughts?!" Look, a digression isn't a digression because it's pertinent to the current narrative! Lay off me!

Oh, I guess this one isn't the one with the bad-ass priest (is that even one? Who can tell anymore? My brain is Swiss porridge); it's the one with the terrible German accents.

Cerebus left Palnu with a horse and eight bags of gold. When this issue begins, it's three weeks later and he's down to just the eight bags of gold. The horse had a minor accident which left Cerebus dragging bags of gold across a landscape turned muddy from torrential rains. To get out of the rain so that this issue doesn't devolve into multiple "Gee, what stinks?!" jokes, Cerebus purchases a hovel from some peasants for four pieces of gold. That's where he's relaxing when the big dumb German guys come knocking on his door. Cerebus learns that the Germans (or T'gitans or something. I feel like they're not really ever mentioned again. Not like the Hsifans or the Pavrovians) are about to invade Palnu which piques Cerebus' interest because Lord Julius was a huge pain in the ass and it would probably be funny to see his fall from power. Or maybe Cerebus just has ADHD. The guy on the cover I thought was a priest is some guy named Commander Krull. He's grim and large and dour and he's the kind of guy I thought of as a grown man when I was a kid. I will soon be 49 and I learned years ago that I'll never think of myself as the way I used to picture grown men. That's not a bad thing! I'm just commenting on the delusions that grow within the minds of children. When I was a child, I'm sure I subconsciously categorized every grown man in my life as "Man" or "adult male." I believe there was always a bit of fear that came along with the adults whom I though of as Men. It's probably why I loved old men so much because they were somehow broken through the other side of "Man" and were back to being child-like. If you're confused by my definitions of what I thought a Man was, I'd say it would have been people like Mr. Cunningham or James Evan Sr. or Pa Ingalls or Grizzly Adams or Sgt. Carter from Gomer Pyle or Mr. Banks from Mary Poppins. Men who didn't register as "Men" were Bert from Mary Poppins (hell, just about any character Dick Van Dyke played. He was too playful to be a Man), Jack Tripper, Gene Wilder as anybody, Roddy McDowall as anybody, Lenny & Squiggy. Maybe I was just intimidated by men with broad shoulders? It's sort of sad that one of the main qualities that made a male figure in my life "manly" was if they intimidated me. And yes, for those of you who actually think about shit I just wrote that you just read, Mr. C scared the bejesus out of me.

This is the face of a man who grew up thinking, "I have to be masculine or I am nothing!"

Just to be clear: I don't give a fucking toss about masculinity. All that nonsense about what makes a man a real man is simply philosophical wanking of the most boring kind. But that doesn't mean you aren't inordinately influenced by that shit while growing up, especially when your father left at two and all of your adult male role models were on television. I may have been intimidated by Mr. C and James Evans Sr and Pa Ingalls but thank fucking Christ for them because I knew at least three adult males cared about me for a small amount of time each week! Cerebus realizes Krull, disguised as a priest, has snuck out of the town for reinforcements. Cerebus' big plan is to not let that happen! My instincts are to call him a genius even though the plan seems pretty obvious. That's probably because Cerebus is a fictional character and I can lavish praise on him without feeling jealous and petty and upset that nobody is calling me a genius. I mean, why aren't they? Have I not criticized enough comic books to be regarded as a genius? Am I misunderstanding the definition of the word?!

Cerebus uses the priest disguise against Krull. Genius!

Like when he defeated the leader of the Eye of the Pyramid in Palnu, Cerebus uses trickery instead of force to defeat Krull. I mean, both are knocked out by a rock to the head which I suppose is force but Cerebus uses tricks to get the opportunity to smash rocks into their heads. Having defeated Krull, Cerebus and the T'gitans conquer Fluroc, putting pressure on Lord Julius to raise an army quickly (since his current army is on the Onliu border which is, I suppose, super far away and stuff). I guess next issue Lord Julius and Cerebus go to war! I can't believe I don't remember this story! I mean, I remember the Krull encounter but I'd forgotten it had anything to do with Cerebus waging war against Palnu. Another excerpt of Michael Loubert's "The Aardvarkian Age" appears this issue. It's as dry as reading an Associated Press rendition of a historical event. I'm not sure why I thought these things would be entertaining when I got to them. Cerebus is funny; why isn't the history of the world of Estarcion?! Aardvark Comment isn't interesting yet. It's still people praising this little rinky-dink comic book operation for surviving over a year. I can't wait until Dave starts pissing off fans and then arguing with them! Cerebus #17 Rating: B. This story seemed incomplete. Probably because it's just the first part! But also it seemed anti-climactic or a hodge-podge of semi-related scenes. It was like a sketch show! It had some pretty solid jokes but overall I just kind of felt like I'd have been better off spending the time eating a box of Oreos.

[lethe-distillery-blog]

Midnight Waltz

I stared up at the stars, following the splashing rapids of the milky way tumbling through the sky. It looked beautiful in its chaotic swirls of light. It fell across hidden rocks and sprayed foam into the cosmos beyond as it surged forward. Each star seemed to be shining just a little brighter tonight, likely an optical illusion brought on by the fact that the moon was nowhere in sight tonight but I wanted to pretend that they were shining just a bit more so then others wouldn’t note her absence. It was all foolish nonsense. None but the dreamers and the star struck lovers would notice the absence of our lady of the night after all, everyone else was too preoccupied to care. Rushing to go nowhere, running around in this lifetime. Doing their best to create memories, experiences; running so fast that they forgot to breathe. They don’t listen to the trees anymore, the raindrops, or the breeze. They work at jobs they hate so they can buy things they didn’t want to impress people they didn’t like. I sighed and shut down that mental diatribe, I knew my hostility to the general population, it didn’t do me any favors to think on it now. I looked over at her, her own face lifted skyward, the heavens reflected in the swirling depths of her eyes, the starlight getting captured in her hair. I always knew her to be born of something divine and regal, and though I could take a picture to show her, and prove to her that I had been right I selfishly took the moment to simply stare.

 I didn’t care to speak quite yet. The moment seemed too pristine to be broken by something other as harsh as a human voice. Not when there was the soft waltz of the universe to listen to. The sway that effects all things. It was an omnipresent sensation, a rhythm that you could feel in your very blood. One-two-three. One-two-three. A three quarter time that seemed to somehow encapsulate everything there ever was and everything there every would be. The songs of birds, the sounds of other animals, the honking of horns during a traffic jam, the general murmur of voice, and the silence of the present. All counted in a three quarter measure. One. Two. Three.

 I took a sip of coffee, grateful for the steady caffeine source, in lieu of actual sleep this would have to do. The memory of drinking one of those chemical laced energy drinks flashed and I smiled behind the cup. If I tried to drink one of those now I was sure that my heart would explode, and not in that sickly sweet romantic way either. How the hell did teens not only live off that garbage, they seemed to thrive. Not to mention, that amount of concentrated sugar would give me a migraine. Getting older sucked. Well, not really. There were some perks. No curfew and being able to buy my own alcohol were some nice bonuses, though there was a sort of thrill about drinking and being ‘naughty’ when you were too young to do so. With my Conservative Christian upbringing the feeling had been amplified, I wasn’t only technically breaking the law I was also defying overly controlling parents. Maybe that was why I was so fucked up. Huh. Was worth considering later. Again. Now was not the time to spend thinking about unpleasantness, there would be time enough for that later.

 I looked back up to the heavens above, grateful for the moment. Her hand in mine. The scent of coffee in the SUV mingling with her, the stars above. It was a good moment. I needed more of those, they were all too rare it seemed. “How are you feeling?” Her voice filled a pause of in the playlist and I shrugged, I wasn’t sure if she was looking at me as she asked or not but I felt like my voice would not be a welcome addition to the song, instead I would be the out of tune string, the quarter beat off, I’d be something alright and I doubted it would be pleasant. I shook my head, trying to force myself out of my melancholy thoughts. What the hell was wrong with me? Usually I was pretty good at letting go and letting out a deep breath and closing everything off for a little while at least. Enough to lick my wounds and get back up. Obviously, tonight, I was in the mood to feel sorry for myself. And I hated it. I felt her eyes on me before I felt her move to look at me. She kept my hand in hers, I was grateful for that at least. “Where are you?” She knew me too well.

 “Not anywhere pleasant.”

 She stroked my hand with her thumb, offering comfort to me and I savored it more than I wanted to admit to. It was as though she took all the sharp edges, all the pain and hurt that I took in day to day, all the anger and frustration that I held inside and she simply made it all, better. “You know I can’t help you if you don’t let me in right?” I knew. It just wasn’t easy. And out of all creatures, she was one of the very few that seemed to ever get that. That I took days to work through things, that I had horrific coping mechanisms from childhood trauma that I had never taken the time to heal from properly. And yet she understood all of that and never once asked me to change myself to suit her needs. Once in awhile she would get frustrated at the way that I could swallow something whole and she wouldn’t ever get out of me what had been bothering me. But I had tried explaining that there were times that I figured what was bothering me wasn’t worth being upset over. It was what most people did, I just happened to be far slower at it because I had the compulsive need to look at every single detail, over think everything. It was a great strength, I was good at my job, I could pick out small things that others would just gloss over, but it was also a horrific nightmare, the migraines were the least of my concerns most of the time. “What happened?”

 I sighed, closing my eyes to the extravagance just beyond. I shut out the creature comforts. The stars. The coffee. Her. And finally, I shut out the music. I focused on the feeling inside me. I wouldn’t call it pain, it wasn’t what most books described that sensation to feel like and yet, it was something that had affected me brutally the last few days. Maybe it was pain? It felt like a darkness. Like if I walked up to it; it would be a floating mass of ink, thick and coagulated, pulsing from within. I had to keep it suspended, to keep it afloat, or else it would infect everything else that was me. It would cover everything in a darkness, and I knew that that wouldn’t be good, even if I didn’t exactly know what ‘that’ was yet. The first thing that came out was a question. Something hurried and that slipped past my control before I could stop it. “Am I good enough?” I cringed at the words that my own mouth had formed. It was a stupid question.

 “You are always good enough.” Her answer came before I could apologize for my stupidity. Her hand squeezed mine in comfort as she continued. “It doesn’t matter if you fail at what you try, you’ll always be good enough, you’ll always be enough.” She had this steadfast belief in me that I didn’t understand. Ever. It was as though I could accomplish anything, just because I tried. I knew better, but still, it was nice to feel like someone at least wanted me around for something.

 I reached out to touch the ink. I knew this was the dangerous part, forcing myself to deal with something that I had not yet managed to come to terms with on my own. But, this is what she wanted. Well, not exactly, she wanted answers of why I had withdrawn more than usual the last few days. Granted, I was never particularly an open person but she had noticed the peculiarity, thus my ‘intervention.’ I felt the crawling sensation slide up my spine again, experiencing the feeling with vivid and horrific clarity. Everything came back. Every sensation, every thought. The same gut wrenching emptiness, the cruel words repeating themselves back to me again and the loneliness that pooled inside my belly. That’s what this reminded me of. Loneliness. My eyes flew open and I saw her flinch under my gaze, I normally would have locked myself down buy I was in the throws of this memory now. Under it’s spell. Later, I could shut down, disliking myself for making her hurt by my actions. Now though, it was too late.

 “Am I good enough?” It didn’t even register that I had repeated myself, I was too consumed. She opened her mouth to answer the confusion in her eyes making me clarify for her benefit. “Am I large enough to satisfy you?” Her eyes widened and I felt my chest aching with that same loneliness that I had experienced four days ago. “When we have sex, am I enough to please you?” The words wouldn’t stop now. It was as though I was possessed. I hated this sensation, this out of control thing that happened.

 “What?” She sounded confused, her mind racing to keep up with the words that tumbled from my lips.

 “Do, I, satisfy, you?” I made sure to enunciate each word, though they came out in a low growl. The feelings coagulating, dragging me under and drowning me in their murk. This, was what I had been afraid of. I felt myself slipping away, feeling my control falling apart and I reeled, working my damnedest to put it back up, to grab control back. To do something, anything at this point. “When we have sex,” it was as though I was irritated she didn’t understand my implication, “am I big enough to satisfy you?” It sounded stupid, every guy has a degree of penis problems. Feeling like he is too small, he’s not good enough. That sort of thing. Porn was a big problem of that. Men watched the women there because they embodied what all they wanted in a woman and yet knew were impossible and yet held themselves to the same standard as the men. As if somehow, logically we couldn’t seem to process the fact that these too were actors, chosen for the woman’s tastes and were the best that our side of the species had to offer. Honestly, it had never really been a thing. Until now.

 “You aren’t big enough to satisfy me.”

 I flinched at the words that came back to me. I hated this feeling that crawled inside my chest. To call that particularly sexual experience a failure would be glossing over some pretty horrific details in the sake of mediocrity. And again. I thought too much. Every detail came back to me in sharp jarring detail. The sound of the sigh she made when I had asked if she could touch me, after I had brought her her own pleasure. I wasn’t seeking much really, I had just wanted to feel like I had been wanted too. Obviously. I hadn’t been. But I had pushed through, stupidly, I had wanted this to be better than it had been. To apologize for making her angry with me earlier in the day. I should have quit when I was ahead. My mouth had gotten away from me as I was taking her, I liked dirty talking, it was erotic and sensual foreplay. “Feel me spreading you? I want you to take it. I want you to need it.” My words had come out automatically, from brain to mouth with very little filter in between. I had never been shy about my size. I wasn’t going to win any contests with it but I was a satisfactory size and I had never had a complaint about the size of that particular part of my anatomy. Obviously, judging by her response, she didn’t have much of a filter either during sex.

 I felt a soft touch on my cheek and it took me a long while of staring and not seeing to notice her in front of me. Her eyes soft, pain filled, and tender. I tried to look away but she kept a firm hold with a light touch, and I was too much of a sucker for something so rare. She stroked my cheek, going up and her fingers slowly sliding around the shell of my ear and back again. Back and forth she stroked. Bringing with her comfort and kindness that I shouldn’t ever ask for, and yet I was selfish enough to do so. I looked into her eyes, feeling the memory sliding away, slowly, as I gained back my control. “I just want to be enough.” Those words came out, the final moments that I couldn’t stop before I finally the walls of my self control slammed back into place. I refused to be that weak again. Not for awhile. I was panting, feeling weak and spent, as though I had just run a marathon though I hadn’t moved much more than a couple inches.

 “Josh.” Her voice was kind, that kind of warmth that came when someone truly has your best interest at heart. “You’re always enough.” I knew better but I treasured that lie as she leaned in to kiss me. Soft warmth invading the harsh cold of my thoughts. Brushing away the cobwebs and opening the shutters. She brought with her sunshine, goodness, and an innate gentleness that always seemed to know how to manage me, even on these rare occasions when I broke. Our lips massaged in a gentle passion I had never known anywhere else, the one person that made me feel whole and undamaged by the monsters in my past. I clutched her to me, desperation making me sloppy, I prayed she would understand. I needed her in this moment as desperately as a man needs water, or air, or shelter. She, was my vitality, the reason I kept on breathing though I would never burden her with the truth of that statement. My fingers slid through her hair, pulling her mouth closer to mine, swallowing every sweet moan that escaped her lips. She pulled back as we needed to breathe though she barely took a gasp before she covered my features in soft kisses and whispered between each. “You are handsome. You are giving. You are beautiful. You are more than you’ll ever know.”

 How desperately I wanted to believe her.

 I fell back with the grinding of gears and she landed on top of me with a thud and a wry smile. “You know,” I said, looking up into those eyes that I had given myself to years ago, “I don’t think I’ve ever done this.”

 She stared at me aghast. “Never?”

 I shook my head. “Score one for always being with more mature women I guess.”

 She harrumphed, “nothing more mature about it,” it was true, she was nearly nineteen years my senior.

“To be fair,” the clinging shadows made it difficult to be silly but she was so damn infectious that I couldn’t help but join in. “I’ve never been under six feet when I was of the age most boys should be having intimate encounters and the biggest car I had before my truck was a Chevrolet Aveo and at my size-.” She cut me off with a laughing kiss and I clutched her to me as though I could somehow consume her and pull her entirely inside my chest. Gods, please, never let me live without her. I couldn’t live without her, without this.

 “Shut up,” she used my words against me as she murmured against my lips, “and kiss me.”

 I did, with relish.

 Our tongues danced to the wild paces of passion, our lips massaging one another in the much slower waltz. Our breathing providing counter point as her moans merged with my growls. One-two-three. She was practically ripping the clothes from my body as our lips remained locked together, every movement a desperate frenzy to touch bare skin. She always knew what I needed, and this, this is exactly what I needed. She straddled me and I pulled her down against me by her hips, the feeling of her warmth and the scent of her arousal helping more than she would ever know. Her hot breath on my bared chest, her hands running over me in a fevered passion. And yet, I knew this wasn’t faked to appease me, something about her made me know she wanted me, wanted this. She ground against me and I couldn’t help the growl that came out, the hunger that came with her, for her. It was maddening, something that I was never rid of, just got under control so I didn’t ravage her every time I saw her. Just most of them.

 “Please,” her voice was a rough husky sound in my ear, “I need you.” She pressed down harder and moaning as I growled as she slid over my hard shaft. I needed her too, and I didn’t have the words to bother explaining so I just reached over and yanked her purse closer to me and practically ripped it in half as I undid the zipper to grab a condom. “Mm,” she breathed, grinding into me and her musk was practically driving me crazy, “always such a gentleman.” Her teeth teased my throat.

 “No,” the sound that came out could only liberally be called my voice, “I am always a beast.” She went to argue and I kissed her, hard. Our lips crushed together with bruising impact. It was hard to move in the confines of the vehicle but we somehow managed to get her up enough to slide my pants down, thank the gods she was wearing a skirt. We just bunched that about her hips, slid the condom on me and then get her situated on top of me and pressed her panties aside. It was rough and tumble, desperate, perfect. We hissed in pleasure together as I slid in. Gods. She was so wet. So tight.

 “You are always enough for me.” I shivered and finally, as my sanity fractured, the shadows slipped away beneath the light that was her. I slammed my hips upwards and she groaned in bliss. Our rhythm starting out with practiced ease. One-two-three. “Oh,” she drew out the word. “Yes.” We worked together to make it work, her hips rotating with each one of my thrusts. It was maddeningly restrictive in the vehicle. I couldn’t toy with her breasts, I couldn’t lean up and sink my teeth into her neck, I couldn’t watch the way her eyes always glittered when she came for me. And yet, as when I was younger and drinking, the taboo act was intoxicating, the feeling that we might get caught, the knowing that I couldn’t have waited even if we could have gone somewhere with a proper bed. I had needed her before I had even known that I did. And again, she knew. She knew everything about me. “You feel so good in me baby,” her words came out in hard pants. “Oh gosh I haven’t done this in forever. Oh gosh baby, that’s right, right there. Keep going, please!”

 I thrust harder into her, losing all semblance of coherent thought as I took her, basking in her touch, in her kindness, in this healing act of bodies. I was close too, I needed her, I needed this.

 “Together.”

 It came out as a growl, a promise, an oath. I slammed her hips down on mine and her scream coalesced with my snarl as my world shattered. One-two-three. I felt my whole body jerk up into her, and felt her arms come around me and crush me into her our whole beings wrapping me tight against her shuddering body as my consciousness slipped away as my orgasm ripped me apart. Everything faded, everything but her.

 “Can I get two cones, one dipped with chocolate?

 “Second window please.”

 Her hand was back in mine we had decided to stop and get ice cream to bask in the afterglow for a little bit longer, anything to prolong the experience and I was not going to be the one that told her that she needed to go to bed. Hell no. I was going to be selfish and cherish every moment. “I can’t believe you remember something as silly as what I like for ice cream.” I shrugged. Honestly, I remembered her favorite color and how she liked her coffee too. It was something I was good at. Hell if I could remember her birthday, that would never stick, but her favorites. Her favorite perfume, or flower, those things stuck and I was determined to use them to my advantage. We drove around until one a.m. and finally she drive me home, I left my car at the bar though I had been sober enough when we left to drive it home. Still though, I put on the act, pretending to lean heavily into her though I cherished the smell of her and me combined with the smell of sex. It was intoxicating. “I just don’t understand why you won’t leave her.” She shook her head as we wrapped up the talk we had been having in the car. “It’s not like she’s good for you.”

 “I know,” I sighed and fumbled out my car keys, dropping them just so I got a few more minutes with her. “But if it were anyone else, someone who actually could care, than I might feel guilty.” I doubted it though, I couldn’t ever feel guilty about something that felt so right. She shook her head, pain flashing in her eyes before she blinked it away. I stumbled and kissed the top of her head, murmuring very quietly as I pretended to struggle with the door, “I know, you want more for me, but I want you.”

 She stood in the doorway, her anger shifting quickly to concern as I hobbled in and she rushed forward to take me. Bitch could act with the best of them, and I knew I hadn’t been the only one to see it as I felt the stiffening frame beside me. “I was so worried about you.” Liar. You were angry that I shut my phone off and didn’t want to deal with you screaming again. “Your phone must have died. I called your friends but no one seemed to know where you went.” Yeah. You would do that you controlling bitch. “I’m sorry, I am sure you didn’t need to be kept up so late. Would you like to use the spare room?”

 “No, no,” her voice was the sweetest poison that I hoped the bitch choked on, I allowed myself to smile as we worked our way up the stairs to the bedroom where the bitch dropped me unceremoniously on the bed. However, I did feel kind hands take my shoes off and a gentle touch to my cheek as the blankets were wrapped around my still fully clothed body. “It’s been hard for him to open and trust anyone since his mother died, I’m just glad that he trusts me to tell me how he’s feeling,” double meanings, thy mistress is Julie, “rather than resent me for taking the place of the woman he loves.” Everything, had its place. One-two-three.

[chiseler]

The Passion of the Bunny: “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” (1971)

Over the centuries, the leaders of the Christian Church have made a habit of screwing around with the calendar in order to piggyback their own holidays on top of popular and long-standing Pagan holidays, quietly co-opting the symbolism and rituals in the hopes of eventually diluting things to a point at which people forget all about that silly heathen nonsense. If they could somehow arrange to target the Pagan symbols directly at stupid children so people take them less seriously, all the better. Most of the time it worked like a charm. That’s why at Christmas we have trees and Yule logs and Santa and so many repurposed carols. Nobody even bothers to ask what the hell a Yule log is anymore. Something to do with Jesus, apparently.

When it came to Easter, though, they got even sneakier than usual. At first you might say, “Easter’s a celebration of the resurrection and the life, an affirmation of our faith and confirmation of the forgiveness of our sins. So what the fuck’s the bunny with the eggs doing in there?”

Well, in Pagan terms the coming of spring was marked by a celebration of rebirth and fertility. So the whole “rebirth/resurrection” thing is pretty clear, and as for fertility, well, we don’t say “fucks like a bunny” for nothing. And nothing fucks like a bunny quite like a bunny, so there you go, right?

But of course Church leaders couldn’t just leave it there, a symbol of unbridled whoop-it-up fornication alongside Jesus rising from the dead like that. It’s...unseemly.

So what they did, see, is turn that horny rabbit into a Surrogate Jesus. Call him the Easter Bunny (instead of, say, Sammy Spermshooter), target him at the kids and all your troubles are over. The Easter Bunny/Surrogate Jesus travels the world handing children chocolate images of himself  (an ersatz communion, see?) and brightly colored hardboiled eggs (as, I dunno, maybe some obscure anti-abortion message), and though you may not save any 6-year-old souls, you’re at least prepping the little bastards for what’s to come.

Which brings us to the message of Here Comes Peter Cottontail. For years Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin Jr. had been mining beloved holidays for new and subtle ways to mess with kids’ minds with their creepy animated specials,. I thought Rudolph was bad enough, but with Peter Cottontail they really outdid themselves.

Here’s the set-up: All the Easter bunnies/Surrogate Jesuses live in April Valley, where the chief Easter Bunny (voiced by Danny Kaye) is getting ready to retire. He wants to finger Peter Cottontail (the inescapable Casey Kasem) as his successor, but a wicked, Satanic rabbit named Irontail (Vincent Price) wants the job too, and suggests a contest: whoever delivers the most eggs on Easter gets the job.

Irontail, see, has hated children ever since one little fucker in roller skates severed his tail, forcing him to wear a prosthetic. He only wants to be chief Easter bunny so he can exact revenge. Even seeing this as a kid when it first aired I admired and respected Irontail. His reasoning made sense to me then, and it makes sense to me now.

Anyway, Peter (as the Christ figure here) is at once lazy but burning with ambition. He desperately wants to be chief Easter Bunny for reasons that aren’t clear beyond simple power whoredom.. Yet ambitious as he is,  the night before Easter he has a wild and drunken Last Supper that goes on until all hours, and as a result sleeps all through the big day. So fair and square mind you, in a perfectly democratic fashion, Irontail wins the appointment by handing out a single egg. During his inaugural speech  he announces that from that point on  instead of chocolate bunnies and chicks, they will be distributing chocolate tarantulas and octopuses. Why? Because he’s not a goddamn CANNIBAL, that’s why! (When I was a kid, the chocolate tarantulas were something else that put me decidedly in the Irontail camp. Communion symbology aside, I always thought it was weird the Easter Bunny would want us to eat versions of him. And tarantulas were cooler.)

Now Peter/Christ, upset that he (fairly) lost the competition and the appointment, does what any normal Son of God would do: he cheats.

With the assistance of a primitive time machine piloted by a worm named Antoine, Peter/Christ and his eggs travel clumsily back in time in an effort to re-live Easter and  win the appointment. As they bounce from holiday to holiday through the calendar, Antoine sings to Peter/Christ: “People believe what their hearts tell their eyes/So if you can’t get it all together, improvise.”

Has there ever been a more lucid or accurate summation of faith? This is why people see the Virgin Mary in cheese danish and the image of Jesus on the sides of barns. So Peter/Christ starts to lie as well as cheat, by misrepresenting his eggs at each stop as Mother’s Day eggs, Fourth of July eggs, and Christmas Eggs. Forget about that whole “whoever hands out the most eggs on Easter” rule; he’s going to win by whatever means necessary. He’s the Son of God, dammit, and he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Along the way he suffers through the Passion, Rankin/Bass style: he’s rejected at every turn, he’s pelted with his own eggs, he’s robbed,  he’s tormented by witches, and then he’s rejected some more. But does he learn anything as a result? Is his spirit purified?

His only friends along the way are Antoine and that other co-opted symbol, Santa. Not only does he not thank Santa after the old man saves the day—he ignores Antoine’s cries for help and abandons him in the snow in his mad rush toward ascension. What a lousy fucking piece of lapine shit he is. Beyond that, at every turn he leaves the eggs unprotected so they can easily be stolen (repeatedly) by Irontail or one of his minions, so he’s a big fucking idiot too, as well as a liar and an ingrate.

He finally wins of course (it’s the Bible after all) when Irontail turns all the eggs green and Peter/Christ hands them out to drunks on St. Pat’s Day.

He lied without gumption, he cheated, he stole an election Irontail had won fair and square, but he got the power he wanted. In the final scene of Here Comes Peter Cottontail, Easter arrives again meaning it’s time to deliver eggs and  chocolate communion to all the children of the world (well, the Christian ones anyway). When the time comes for Peter/Christ to hit the road and get to work, he insists that everyone in April Valley come along and help him, because he’s a big fucking lazy asshole on top of everything else.

And that’s what Easter is all about.

by Jim Knipfel

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS, PT. XIII ※

starters from jenna’s 11 most recent videos! feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! more jenna sentences

MY BOYFRIEND COOKS MY FAVORITE DESSERT

“Is that what that is?”

“You say standing, I say upright leisuring.”

“I think it’s subtle.”

“It is pretty subtle; I didn’t notice you.”

“Did you just choke?”

“Sometimes, we just can’t find delicious things that both of us can enjoy.”

“Why are you wearing that helmet?”

“Are you going to wear that the whole time?”

“Wait, so I’m cooking all of the cupcakes?”

“Do I look like someone that’s gonna bake today?”

“I will walk out and I will come back when these cupcakes are ready if you make fun of me one more time.”

“I’ll probably just wing it.”

“I want cupcakes, not Aries shit.”

“A lot of people seem to think that, if you are a vegan, that I wake up every day just with a craving for some carrots.”

“Do I look like a rabbit to you?”

“I’m not here to eat lettuce.”

“You don’t get this very average-looking 31-year-old body from sitting around eating spinach.”

“A “piece of cake” is really open to interpretation.”

“This is a predetermined portion, so, if you have five, that’s on you.”

“I just wanna go enjoy cupcakes with my boyfriend in the middle of the night.”

“We should open a cupcake shop that stays open twenty-four hours a day.”

“Can I get one “this is why mom doesn’t fucking love you”?”

“That actually is making me feel safer, somehow.”

“What’s the point of this, by the way?”

“This is what Julien does. Like, he knows enough conversational Spanish to make absolute nonsense Spanish sentences.”

“Don’t try and drag Virgos, they know everything that’s in the house and where it is. Don’t even try.”

“Imagine if I dropped this right now, and it just shattered glass everywhere, and it was all for nothing.”

“Why are you breathing so hard?”

“I’m self conscious about my breathing.”

“This is what not planning out portions looks like.”

“Are you relaxed yet?”

“Can you just, like, maybe, relax?”

“Someone has not done that to me in so long.”

“If this is a mess, I apologize.”

“It could or it couldn’t; we’re trusting that it won’t.”

“Does that look like the trash to you?”

“Three and a half cups of powdered sugar? Honestly? Worth it.”

“There’s nothing gentle about this.”

“That’s very creative, but I don’t wanna eat that.”

“I just got some paper in that bite.”

“Why did you just burn your finger on purpose?”

REACTING TO COMPILATION VIDEOS OF ME 3

“It is not easy to do that.”

“Normally, the funny moments for you are miserable for me.”

“Don’t you like when I just defy you?”

“You pull out a hammer to cut an onion, Julien…!”

“It doesn’t count as a mustache if it’s accompanied by a beard.”

“Beards do not have to also include mustaches.”

“I could destroy you for an hour in this argument, so maybe we table this.”

“Why do you put up with me sometimes?”

“This is infinitely annoying.”

“You just wanted a reaction.”

“I was just trying to annoy you. It was worth it.”

“It is a good time to mess with you.”

“It is a masterpiece.”

“It’s all about how it makes you feel.”

“I am not a robot 2k18.”

“You started something that I can no longer stop, now.”

“I’m just saying I’ve never seen you two in the same room.”

“That is what the internet is for.”

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE

“This is something that I have been saving for since any of you have known me.”

“I’m terrified the whole time.”

“I’m terrified of everything.”

“It’s been my only goal.”

“I just see a terrifying responsibility.”

“We have chosen to be as independent as possible.”

“You can fix some things. Not all things.”

“Where the hell are you guys?”

“I don’t want to think about it too much — I will cry.”

“I’m always the one who stands.”

“We had prom in here.”

“I don’t do any formal living - I only do casual living.”

“Um, fam, why’d you lock me in here?”

“Please, for the love of god, promise me.”

“This is my favorite place ever.”

“There’s a stuffed animal backpack and a hat that says sexy from Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.”

“As you can tell, I’m a lady of sophistication.”

“I’m gonna keep this hopefully forever.”

“We’ll show you the dungeon next time.”

“What — shit, was I not supposed to tell about the dungeon?”

“If you hate it, that’s fine too.”

TRYING TO DECORATE OUR HOUSE

“We still have so much stuff to do.”

“Everybody can see us just butt-ass naked up there.”

“Honestly, if you’re standing somewhere else in the room, it looks fine.”

“Are you making me build the table?”

“I’ve got weak arms. I’m kidding, they’re like the strongest part of my body, they’re enormous.”

“No nude portraits, Julien. I’m barely nude in front of myself, okay?”

“That’s one of the seven deadly sins. Vanity, gluttony, greed, stools.”

“You fuck it up and then you yell at me when I tell you you fucked it up.”

“There are no directions. Most things don’t come with directions. It’s a suggestion pamphlet, that’s it.”

“Nothing says I’m building a table quite like not having any shoes on.”

“This is coming from the person that had paper curtains for the longest time.”

“I don’t know how this works, I don’t know how to do any of this.”

“Should we just change our whole entire goal today?”

“I don’t know where all of my forks have gone.”

“That’s absolutely not where that came from.”

“I think we took steps backwards, today.”

“This is a gigantic waste of time.”

“Look at the bright side. I don’t know what it is, just look at it.”

“How do people have the will to do this nonstop?”

“I don’t know what the fuck to put there.”

“It’s a skill that I just do not have.”

“Things we’ve learned today: 1) Christian rock bumps. 2) Shopping for things in the world and not on the Internet is a gigantic waste of time.”

“Honestly, leaving the house is a waste of time.”

GIVING MYSELF EYELASH EXTENSIONS

“I’m rare, like a dragon.”

“You’re like a dragon. You scream loud.”

“I will never be using that.”

“I felt like she just didn’t like me.”

“If it has controversial reviews, give it to me. I can’t wait to try it.”

“Wait, what? You’re gonna burn your eyes?”

“I cannot be bothered with this shit.”

“If it’s expensive, there’s gotta be a way to learn how to do it and do it yourself.”

“I didn’t really know what was gonna happen here today.”

“So far this has turned out to be a challenge.”

“Julien, I need you to stop it.”

“I’m not sure I’ve done anything more tedious and frustrating in my life.”

“Don’t remind me that I waste my time.”

“That’s not a good look, but that’s my look.”

“Come on, I’m trying my best.”

“I am having a good time.’

“Is that too much? Do I look extra? Because I have the too much gene, and I don’t know when to stop.”

“I wish I didn’t have a nose.”

“Compliments like that aren’t compliments.”

“I don’t know if I can make it. I don’t know if I can do it.”

“I need encouragement…!”

“I’ve never been tested like this.”

“I need a snack and a large glass of water.”

“I’m really starting to feel the consequences of my decisions.”

“I’m sure these are great for someone. Not me.”

“I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more uncomfortable than I do right now.”

MAKING MY DOG A BED OUT OF SOAP

“I’ve been working literally all day to try and figure out how to make this work.”

“I went and got three tubs of said soap.”

“It doesn’t work. Trust me. I’ve been doing it all day. It doesn’t work.”

“I can’t describe to you how much it smells like soap in here. It’s nauseating. Like, it almost makes your throat hurt.”

“Does that feel cool?”

“I love that dog… I love that dog…! I love him!”

“I can’t take another failure.”

“No one was ever making a bed out of soap.”

“We could really be tedious about this, but, honestly? Fuck it.”

“I can’t fucking believe that this is actually happening.”

“This was their fault. Not mine.”

“Hi, my name’s Jenna, I’m 31, and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.”

“It’s just really fun to melt soap and then mold it.”

“My arms hurt, my back hurts, my legs hurt.”

“I feel like I’m digging for treasure, this is so stupid.”

“Why did I do this? What have I done?”

“My arms are exhausted from doing that.”

“Please come back, please come back, please come back.”

“This was thirteen hours of work, please just look at it.”

“He hates it. I’m so upset.”

“Let this be the example to remember. This does not work. This is a mess.”

“We’ve created ourselves quite the pickle.”

“He literally doesn’t even care.”

“I need to go to bed.”

MAKING MY BOYFRIEND A ROMPHIM

“Who says a man can’t enjoy a beautiful flowy fabric and a flowy shape that allows you to enjoy the warm weather with freedom?”

“Please don’t take any instruction from me.”

“I don’t know how to sew, I just refuse to fail.”

“You’re on thin ice with me already.”

“If you don’t wear this, I’m gonna be genuinely offended.”

“What’s your favorite part of scissors? Mine’s the handle, ‘cause it’s safe.”

“I guess I don’t even really know how to put in a zipper.”

“There’s no disputing it, I was stabbed.”

“Um, I accidentally cut a hole in it.”

“Thicc, with four and a half Cs.”

“This is taking me far longer than I anticipated.”

“Don’t boop my nipple.”

“Look at that exquisite workmanship.”

“Will you put it on backwards for me? I’m just curious.”

“I’ve gathered you today to look at me. Because I’m beautiful.”

“Give us a good strut.”

“Now strut that little butt out of here.”

COME DO TERRIBLE THINGS TO MY HAIR WITH ME

“The term ‘semi-permanent’ is absolute bullshit.”

“This apparently glows under blacklight.”

“If you’re expecting to look this good, expect disappointment.”

“Dear hair, I’m so sorry, love, Jenna.”

“I feel like this is gonna take forever.”

“Just make sure you wrap it in like seventy thousand plastic bags.”

“How do you feel? Do you feel beautiful?”

“I can’t believe I dyed my hair navy blue seven months ago, and it’s still in here.”

“I got it on my pants, I got it on my pants…”

“You can’t blame me for trying.”

“You’re anticipating my failure, is that what you’re saying?”

“If you dye your hair navy blue, it’s just never coming out.”

“It’s too late, now. Just forget it.”

“It’s been thirty minutes, and I can tell nothing is gonna happen.”

“Look at, that did nothing…! I feel sad.”

“You always prepare for worst-case scenario. All the time.”

“Did I done fuck up?”

“How did I fuck up this bad?”

“Something tells me my technique isn’t gonna pay off this time.”

“It’s not like I’m gonna learn my lesson.”

“I’m like a brunette bird of paradise.”

CAMOUFLAGING MYSELF INTO A CHAIR

“I can’t come up with a list of reasons of why not. There’s only yes.”

“Why is it funny if I do it, but if a makeup artist does it, they’re like, wow, this is spectacular, they deserve an award.”

“Why can’t I try stuff without people thinking I’m nuts?”

“We already have a timer going for eighty-four years.”

“That actually looks so good on you, fuck…”

“The real me has come out.”

“I hope that works, because there is no plan B.”

“I feel like this doesn’t look good at all.”

“She doesn’t believe my feedback until she sees it for herself.”

“You look like an X-Man that didn’t quite make it.”

“I’m just out here being an adult.”

“You did such a good fucking job.”

“I’m just out here trying to have a good time. What’s your problem?”

“I actually had a wonderful time.”

“If you think I’m taking this off, you’re dead wrong.”

“This is my nightmare.”

“Send help to me.”

MY DOGS PICK MY MAKEUP

“There’s no easy way to follow that up.”

“Alright, that’s enough answering from you.”

“Just know that we’re a little stressed.”

“Knock knock, who’s there, it’s not America, freedom doesn’t knock, freedom rings.”

“Later on, I will be drawing eyebrows on you.”

“No matter what people tell me or do on the internet, I’m just not one of those people that does my eye makeup and then puts on foundation.”

“That is a one-way ticket to just smudging everything you just did.”

“I’m what you might call lazy as hell.”

“This is a stupid video.”

“What a sophisticated look you just picked.”

“Are you enjoying yourself even though you don’t know what’s going on?”

“I like to do all of my eyeshadow with one fucking brush.”

“Wow, I mean, I have an audience here.”

“You’re gonna have to wipe down every single box, because I’m not having this life.”

“I’m still mad that you did that.”

“It’s not gonna be a very fun week for you, huh?”

“I kind of like it a lot.”

“I get it, it’s dumb.”

“Open your mouth a little wider?”

“I’m coming for your brand.”

“There is a wasp in here…!”

REACTING TO COMPILATION VIDEOS OF ME 4

“I forgot that you made a bunch of Spider-Man jokes.”

“When I’m concentrating on something that I’m really trying to pull off, I don’t hear your jokes.”

“Literally did not even experience you saying that in person.”

“Just fuck me up.”

“Aw, he’s so cute.”

“He fucking melts your heart.”

“I thought you were gonna say your face is a drug. Cause I was gonna say, then I’m addicted to that.”

“Are you calling me a rat?”

“Honestly, that was really fucking scary. That was genuinely scary.”

“We are alone in this house. You disappear, and that appears.”

“That’s what you hear in the middle of the night that wakes you up.”

“I blew it, man. I fucking blew everything.”

“I’m too emotional to watch this stuff.”

“I wish I knew how to do that.”

“God? Is that you?”

“God, he’s cute.”

“Wow, right on time.”

“Did you know that we’re laughing about you?”

“What the fuck is this?”

“What did we do?”

“I’m feeling personally attacked right now.”

“They literally look at me and go ‘oh, no’, and then they don’t know what to do.”

“I’m feeling attacked.”

“Please stop making fun of my eyebrows 2k18.”

[professional-anti]

Chapter Eight: Weapon of Choice

Heyyyyy!! Sorry, life has been cray, and it’s never gonna change, unfortunately. But guys, dw, I am dedicated. Also, weirdly, doing this has made me appreciate books even more? It’s so much fun to talk abt books, and I learn so much, even if it’s a book I hate. Okay, getting started (pray for me):

We last left off with Clary jumping thru the surprise door, like one does. Jace lands on top of her, yay, OTP moment, gag me. There’s a nice little detail where “Clary coughed hair (not her own) out of her mouth” which kind of captures the chaos and would be cute if it were an actual good ship. I hate when that happens. Jace criticizes Clary, FINALLY for a valid reason.

It turns out they’re at Luke’s house. Oh, classic, he lives in Williamsburg, the gentrified hipster paradise. Where else would a man who wears flannel live? Even more classic, he lives behind a bookstore. Clare is obviously one of those heavy-handed authors who has exactly two professions for her Intellectual Men™: bookseller and evil Giles.

I’m going to shake Clary. She doesn’t know why they’re here, despite having thought “I want to go where my mom would have gone” right before jumping. Like, bitch??? Do you have a brain? I’m cryingfff

Clary decides she wants to leave, even though there’s cleary something super sketch abt Luke. He’s so obviously protecting her, so he must know something, right? Well, Clary rubs her two brain cells together and decides, nope, nothing to see here! Time to go home!

Jace, being reasonable for once, is like, yo, maybe we should stay. They run into Simon, so you know there’s gonna be Dramaz. Jace and Simon apparently devolve into primordial wild dogs driven by the intense urge to fight for the girl dog so they can screw and produce puppies that are as annoying as they are. Here is what everyone is doing:

Clary is fixing Simon’s hair bc she’s a Woman Simon is pushing Clary’s hand away bc he’s Annoyed Jace is using his stele to file his nail bc he’s Not Paying Attention

There’s some horrible forced tension between Simon and Clary, where he’s all, “Clary, you ran away from me, I thought I and my dick upset you,” and Clary’s all, “Never, Simon, I love you,” and Simon cums. Not actually, instead he slut shames Clary:

“Yeah, well, you clearly also couldn’t be bothered to call me and tell me you were shacking up with some dyed-blond wanna-be goth you probably met at Pandemomonium”

On the one hand, draaaaag him, Simon!! Jace IS a peroxide blond who listens Evanescence (I almost wrote MCR before googling it and learning that if I wrote that, about a million punks would stream into my inbox in tears).

Simon’s eyes are “dark with suspicion”. which is just annoying. Yes, I would be so fucking annoyed if my friend ran out on me and then disappeared and then reappeared with a blond guy. But I’d also do some more questioning of the situation. Is she okay? Why is she with such a rude guy? Is he hurting her? Was she kidnapped? Is she being held against her will? Is this a drug thing? Does she need my help? Why did Luke cover for her? Is something deeper going on? Instead Simon is all possessive Nice Guy.

Apparently Simon spied on Luke packing a duffel bag of weapons. So he couldn’t give Clary any benefit of the doubt? It sounds like her family is caught in a bad situation! Maybe she had to hide for her life! Simon, use your brain!!

kajlkfaklsdjfalksdflk Clary tells Simon everything, and Simon asks if they kill all these different magical creatures, and Jace says ONLY WHEN THEY’VE BEEN NAUGHTY a;dlfjals;kdjfl;asdjfl;aksdjf hahahahahahahah This image that Clare is going for is just sooooo overdrawn. This dialogue, omfg.

Simon loses his mind and excitedly compares everything that’s been going on to D&D. Let’s totally forget abt the fact that Clary’s mom is missing, or that Luke just filled a duffel bags with murder sticks, shall we?

Jace and Simon have a bizarre conversation, and then they walk. In. The. Back. Door. Bc Luke doesn’t lock his back door. Bc that’s totally not something that someone who fills a duffel bag with weapons would do. At least the door to the bookstore is locked, though Jace opens it pretty easily with his stele. Why didn’t Luke have Jocelyn fix up some wards or something?

Simon asks Clary how she stands Jace, and she’s like “he saved me life” and he’s like “huh?” even though she told him everything that happened. Why is Simon so dumb. I guess all his blood is in his dick? Wouldn’t surprise me.

They find manacles in the wall, so either Luke and Jocelyn have (even more) hidden depths, or Luke practices

Luke’s apartment is filled with books. Of course. Look, I love books. I have about 500 in my room at this moment. I buy them constantly, I get from the libarary, I read and read and read. I think most of us on booklr do. But when every single Good Character in your book has books, it’s boring. And no one has unique book taste. What if all of Luke’s books were nature books? Jack London? Travel guides? That would paint a picture. Instead he has a bunch of fantasy and other fiction. That’s boring. I learn nothing, bc every goddamn person in this goddamn book reads fantasy. It’s so fucking generic. I totally approve of “good” characters admiring and liking reading bc that’s how you get ideas, and that’s how Lemony Snicket rolls, but there are more books than fantasy and mystery (the other main type that Lucas has) in the world. Justice Strauss has an inexhaustive library. Uncle Monty has all those books about snakes. Lucky Smells just has that one history of Lucky Smells. Already, you know so much abt each person (and place) by what books they have. We learn nothing about Luke.

Clary finds the overnight bag she leaves at Luke’s and changes clothes. I mention this only bc she puts on “a blue tank top with a design of Chinese characters across the front” bc of COURSE she is That Bitch. I hope it translates to something like “Radishes” or “Bridge”.

Luke’s bedroom has a shelf of “Indian statues and Russian icons” which, idk, makes me a little uncomfortable. These sound like things that are holy to someone. But I think the worst part is that Clary says, “Luke collects stuff. Art objects. You know … Pretty things.” I just googled it, and Hindu statues, like the one Luke has of Kali, are seen as actual avatars of gods. Clary is diminishing someone’s god to a “pretty thing”. It’s not a nick-nack or a trinket. (If you know more abt this, like if I’m wildly off-base, feel free to send me an ask!)

Jace finds the Metaphor known as a smashed picture of Luke, Jocie, and Clary, which Clary threw at the Ravener in her apartment, so realize that Luke went back through the apartment. Jace says that Luke must have gone through the Portal-potty last, so it brought them here. I’m still team Clary Asked to Go Where Her Mother Would Have Gone and Therefore the Portal did What it Was Supposed to Do and Brought Her Where She Wanted.

Luke and some warlocks show up, so Clary and co. hide behind the super convenient silk screen. Jace uses his sonic stele to make the screen transparent and we get this gem:

Jace shook his head at them both, mouthing words: They can’t see us through it, but we can see them.

Bc mouthing works that well. You don’t mouth compound sentences!! You mouth something simple like they can’t see us. Simon and Clary already know they can see Luke and the warlocks bc they’re looking at them right now! And this spell or whatever that Jace did takes the tension in the scene waaaaaay down. If they can’t see Luke, then everything becomes more tense. Are the voices getting closer to the screen? Is somebody about to reveal them? Instead, all the tension is drained in a dumb quick-fix.

Bc Clare thinks we’re stupid, she adds “It was frightening even though [Clary] knew [Luke] couldn’t see her, that the window Jace had made was like the glass in a police station interrogation room: strictly one-way.”

GD ARE YOU THERE??????? STOP THIS.

Jace realizes that the warlocks are actually Shadowhunters dressed as warlocks. Idk how he can tell, but whatever. He conveys this by whispering, so I don’t know what the mouthing nonsense was earlier.

The Shadowhunters are named Blackwell (redhead) and Pangborn (gray mustache). What sorts of names. It’s like Clare used a fantasy-name-generator. Who are we kidding, that’s totally what she did. Pangborn picks up the Kali statue and this conversation happens:

“Ah,” said Pangborn, taking the statue from his companion. “She who was created to battle a demon who could not be killed by any god or man. ‘Oh, Kali, my mother full of bliss! Enchantress of the almighty Shiva, in they delirious joy thou dancest, clapping thy hands together. Thou art the Mover of all that moves, and we are but thy helpless toys.’” “Very nice,” said Luke. “I didn’t know you were a student of the Indian myths.” “All the stories are true,” said Pangborn, and Clary felt a small shiver go up her spine. “Or have you forgotten even that?” “I forget nothing,” said Luke.

So the Shadowhunter mythology is that all religions are true? Inch resting. I vaguely remember this. Idk how I feel about this. The Shadowhunters are still gonna be super Christian no matter what lip-service Clare pays to other religions. She has angels! And demons! She’s trying to be inclusive, but it’s never really gonna work, bc she’s doing it in name only. But at the same time, I wouldn’t want her to mess with any religion but Christianity or, sigh, Judaism. Christianity bc it’s the dominant religion and can’t be marginalized (different denominations can be, but not Christianity as a whole) and Judaism bc she’s Jewish. There’s not very much Jewish in these books, though. Yeah, there are angels in Judaism, but it’s not really the Jewish Vibe. A book influenced by Judaism would have a lot of magic based on specific wording, and arguments, and Hebrew and Hebrew-derived languages. This book uses Latin and is into angels. It’s Christian-influenced, which is fine, I guess, but the lip-service to other religions doesn’t ring true. But also, saying “Christianity is the one religion!” is super upsetting and she shouldn’t do that. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I’m literally thinking on the page. Do you guys have any thoughts on this? Please hit up my ask box or talk about this in the notes! This discussion really interests me, and I want to get diverse opinions.

Luke asks if Valentine sent them (he did) and if their clothes “are official Accord robes” “from the Uprising?” (they are). Wow. The Uprising. What a descriptive name! We don’t call things “the Uprising” in real life. It’s more like, “The French Revolution.” “The Cultural Revolution.” “The Revolutionary War.” “The Civil War.” Am I being unfair?” I guess someone right after one of the French Revolutions might just say “the Revolution.” But something about The Uprising is so boring. And aren’t there more than one Uprising? There should be. The Warlock Uprising. The Vampire Uprising. It doesn’t have to be all internal. Any organized group would rise against the Clave. The Clave is legit the worst.

It turns out Luke’s real name is Lucian AND. I. AM. DYING. Luke is Lucius Malfoy, confirmed!! Let’s do a list of what we know so far:

Clary: Ginny Jace: Draco Jocelyn: I’m getting Bellatrix vibes? Bc of the whole in-love-with Voldemort thing? Valentine: I don’t know?? I can’t think of who he could be??? We’ll have to leave this blank for now I guess :/ Hodge: Giles. Not a HP character, but this is a crossover event with Buffy. Isabelle: Pansy Parkinson Alec: I actually don’t know here. He’s the GBF. Simon: Does Harry make sense? They’re both boring nice guys (don’t @ me!)

This game is getting boring, let’s move on. Luke apparently used to fight with B and P, so we know he’s a Shadowhunter (or, if you’ve read this book before, you know he used to be one). Then he tells them he doesn’t know where the Mortal Cup is (they think Jocelyn hid it).

CLARY IS SO FUCKING DUMB OMFG. P and B talk about how Jocelyn hasn’t regained consciousness and Valentine wants to see her again (using her name) and Clary goes:

Jocelyn? Can they be talking about my mother?

NO THE OTHER FUCKING JOCELYN. CLARY HOW RU STILL ALIVE.

CC must think her readers are really dumb and can’t figure anything out on their own:

“I’ve never felt any way about [Jocelyn], particularly,” said Luke. “Two Shadowhunters, exiled from their own kind, you can see why we might have banded together. But I’m not going to try to interfere with Valentine’s plans for her, if that’s what he’s worried about.”

He might as well have said, “Jocelyn and I were both exiled. EXILED. We were exiled. We were exiled as fuck. Do you get it? Reading context clues is hard, so I’m saying WE WERE EXILED.” The quasi-warlocks should have responded like, “Yeah? We know you both were exiled? We were there?”

Blackwell refers to Jocelyn as “that bitch” bc institutionalized mysoginy is the absolute best! I love when vicious sexism is included for no reason! Bc also these guys aren’t any worse than Luke! Bc may I remind you that Luke was basically a supremacist! Just like them!

For some reason, these idiots believe Lucius when he tells them that he’s not close with Jocie. Then please explain why you both live in Brooklyn.

P and B threaten to make Luke stay in the city, and Luke threatens them, and somehow they let this happen? In other news, Clary is still dumb as rocks. She’s super hurt that Luke said that he doesn’t care about Jocie bc she has about 0 critical thinking skills. We’re talking none. She could have someone whispering the answers in her ear and still bomb the SAT.

Jace thinks that P and B think Luke “knows more than he’s telling” so why would they let him go???? Then Jace reveals that P and B murdered his dad, and this chapter is OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone bring me a Bloody Mary. It’s how I feel inside.

[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: Underneath the Barrel

Another week, another episode of Nitro from the Vince Russo era. This Monday is November 1, 1999, and we’re live from the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I went out to Minneapolis to see a wrestling show last year, and had a fine time. I don’t know if I’ll have as much fun watching this Nitro.

We open up with Bret Hart upbraiding Hall and Nash for interfering in his match last week. They don’t know why he’s upset, since they interfered on his behalf. “Screw you, Scott!” Bret yells. 

Bret walks out to the crowd, on crutches, and tells people he thinks Bill Goldberg is the rightful U.S. champion. Sid Vicious, hair product spilling down the back of his leather vest in thick rivulets, comes out and beats on Hart. Hall and Nash come out to mock the injured Canadian hero. 

We’re still in the midst of this nonsensical tournament to crown a new WCW world heavyweight champion. The brackets make me realize I’ve been misspelling Lash LeRoux’s name wrong for two straight installments of Nitromare. It’s in the spirit of Crash TV, bro!

One thing I appreciate is that the WWE Network has left in the commercials that are wrestling-themed, so there are some Randy Savage Slim Jims ads, and a lot of ads for WCW toys. It’s amazing how little ads for wrestling toys have changed since then. The medium is ripe for reinvention.

Some recap, some backstage nonsense, and we’re onto our first match: Vampiro vs. Berlyn, in a battle to see who is the top mall goth in all of WCW. It’s a pretty decent match, and then ... Oh God, it’s the Michael Graves-era Misfits running out of the back for some reason. “Vampiro is a musician as well,” Tony notes. I’ll say this: the Michael Graves albums aren’t as bad as people claim. Some decent songs on those, but people were just going to shit on anything that wasn’t Danzig, casually overlooking that “Earth A.D.” was terrible.

Ah, let’s see: ref bump, the Misfits take out Berlyn’s bodyguard, The Wall, with a chair shot, and then help Vampiro get the cheating win over Berlyn. The Wall has miraculously recovered from being knocked unconscious 15 seconds ago, and gives the microphone to Berlyn. “From now on, screw USA!” he says. 

Backstage, Hall is reading a newspaper. Ah, the 1990s! He and Nash mumble semi-audibly to each other. In another part of backstage, the Revolution have locked a leather-clad Torrie Wilson in a cage. “She’s the property now of the Revolution,” Brain informs us. 

The Revolution come out to the ring. Perry Saturn is wearing an outfit entirely composed of denim except for his leather Kangol. “You say you want a revolution?” Shane Douglas asks. No one said that, Shane. They let Perry talk for a while, which is a bold choice. Perry demands a key on top of a pole match, the key being the one to let Torrie Wilson out of her cage. Is this the first item on a pole match of the Russo era? I believe it is. 

Dean Malenko takes the mic to call out Chris Benoit. “You’ve been nothing but a puss, old buddy,” he says. DANGEROUSLY EDGY.

Benoit comes out. All these guys are in street clothes, which hilariously means polo shirts tucked into jeans. They look like a bunch of office guys getting ready to cut loose with a game of touch football at the company picnic. Chris Benoit announces he will wrestle Dean Malenko in a cage, which for some reason causes Malenko to have some kind of psychotic break. 

Backstage, the Filthy Animals are coming into the building, and a security stops them, demanding to see backstage passes. This makes a huge amount of sense. The Filthy Animals beat the security guy up, because they can’t be contained by your rules. Meanwhile, Mike Tenay is interviewing Kimberly Page, who is flanked by all the Nitro Girls. How many Nitro Girls can you name without looking it up? Was one of them named Sapphire? That’s about as much as I can muster. Kim tells the Nitro Girls she’s leaving the group. I never really thought of her as a Nitro Girl tbh. 

Ernest “The Cat” Miller comes to the ring, and the fake music the WWE Network inserts over his entrance song is unbelievably bad. Seriously, go and watch this. It’s incredible. It sounds like a Casio keyboard has been sunk in a vat of pickle brine before being struck by hammer-wielding orangutans. 

He’s wrestling Lash LeRoux. “Big future ahead for this guy,” Brain says. “I can see it. He’s going to explode.” He’s now a Christian cartoonist and illustrator, so maybe? This match lasts maybe two minutes. The Cat’s knee gives out and LeRoux picks up the win.

Backstage, Hart is raging about Nash and Hall. “These guys aren’t the bottom of the barrel, they’re underneath the barrel!” he fumes. Meanwhile, dissension in the Nitro Girls as they try to decide who will be the new leader. Elsewhere, the Filthy Animals are secretly videotaping Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth. Eddie Guerrero is wearing a fetching Cosby sweater. The camera keeps rolling after they stop acting and then they show an actual behind-the-scenes TNT director. Everyone is cracking up. LIVE TV, BRO! Maybe that was deliberate? Maybe Vince Russo was out to destroy the fourth wall once and for all?

Now we cut to a remote segment with a shockingly subdued, normal Scott Steiner talking about a back injury to Larry Zbyszko. This is a totally different Steiner. No shouting, no babbling, just a guy talking like a football player about the specifics of an injury and surgery. Larry is wearing a colored denim shirt with the Nitro logo on the breast pocket. At last, a garment fine enough for me to be wed in. Was this an attempt to do a “shoot interview”? Russo pulling back the curtain - this ain’t Scott Steiner the character, this is Scott Steiner THE HUMAN BEING! 

Now we’re back in the ring, and the Nitro Girls are dancing. I would like to read an oral history of this dance troupe. Get on that, Bixenspan. The dancing ends with some pushing and shoving, but before that can go anywhere, we’re backstage again, with Tenay interviewing Buff Bagwell. The Buff Daddy complains about “the writers” holding him back. 

A series of vignettes show us Kevin Nash doing a Vince McMahon impression. What am I doing with my life?

Back to the Nitro Girls. More pushing and shoving backstage. Trying to turn them into workers was such a characteristically Russovian decision. And, like most of his ideas, it was terrible and obviously doomed to fail.

A crowd sign: “BUFF IS THE REAL PEOPLE [sic] CHAMPION”

Stevie Ray comes out and announces that “the powers that be” have determined there will be a strap match. “Who said that? The two writers in the back?” Buff yells. Yes, Buff. So now we have a strap match. It’s not a good strap match, and the two suited goons who work for THE DAMN WRITERS IN THE BACK run out because Buff starts to win. Why do Russo and Ferrara hate Buff so much? 

We switch from the ring as the ring announcer is talking to Tenay interviewing Jeff Jarrett. “Don’t get slappy with me, Tenay!” he says. He drops some more insider terminology, because Vince Russo thought that was what normal people wanted. 

Kevin Nash comes out, a vision of horror in putty makeup, as Vince McMahon. “The fans out here, they don’t even know who he is,” Tony says. Which explains why they’re silently watching this terrible skit. Less than three years after this, Nash would be working for Vince McMahon once again, and losing to Chris Jericho in a hair vs. hair match. Life comes at you fast, Kevin.

“I put anyone out of business until I was the only show in town,” Nash as Vince says, eerily predicting what will happen in less than 18 months. The crowd is restless and bored. He uses some insider lingo, as was the style at the time. Nash-Vince introduces Scott Hall as “the Trouser Snake.” 

“He’s clean and sober!” Nash-Vince proclaims. This is grim. Fifteen years before this, a young “Magnum” Scott Hall was starting off in this very city, in the dying days of the once-great American Wrestling Association. How far we had all come. 

Hall launches some more insider lingo and does a crotch chop aimed at “the boys in New York.” Seconds and minutes of my life, rushing by, never to be held again. 

Backstage shit. Lex, Liz, Meng, Perfect. Ah, Perfect. The last great star of the Minneapolis-based AWA, a native of nearby Robbinsdale. What did Verne make of all this? I mean, Verne probably would have tried to put a 59-year-old Baron Von Raschke over Bret Hart, but I digress.

Hennig gets a good pop when he comes out. Brain points out Hennig’s father, the great AWA star Larry Hennig, at ringside. The ghosts of the 1970s are all around us. This is a match against Disco Inferno. This will not be up to the standard of one of Hennig’s matches in the previous decade with Nick Bockwinkel. 

The crowd absolutely fucking loses it for Larry Hennig, chanting “LARE-EE! LARE-EE!” as he punches Disco Inferno. Ah, that does my heart good.

Of course, this has to be interrupted by the random appearance of some goober walking down the ramp from backstage. Disco Inferno runs out to talk to him, and they walk down the ramp to the back. The bell rings, and Hennig wins by contour. Larry claps at ringside while looking like he’s seen someone shoot a family pet. 

Some backstage garbage. We come back to the ring for a “hardcore three-way dance.” The Barbarian w/Jimmy Hart, Meng, and ... Norman Smiley dressed as a baseball catcher. Two of the all-time legit tough guys and a star from the old British wrestling, in this goofy-ass plunder battle. This should have been a stiff, nasty classic. Instead it’s a slow, sloppy farce. 

Crowd sign, evidently made by a lunatic: “PUSH DAVID FLAIR.” 

In the ring, Meng and the Barbarian are chopping the shit out of Norman Smiley. THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. Smiley’s shoulder is sliced open, probably on one of those fake trash cans. He’s stretchered away from the ring for some reason. He jumps off the stretcher when he sees that Meng and the Barbarian have knocked each other out, and covers the Barbarian for the win.

Backstage, Jim Duggan is begging an unseen Vince Russo for his job. “I’ve been wrestling for 20 years, and I think I have more fan support than some of these guys out here doing the dropkicks.” Fancy, fancy dropkicks! 

Russo, off-camera, sneers, “It’s all about ratings. Next!” He managed to keep his voice off TV for two whole weeks. As we know, the amount of Vince Russo time would only grow. 

Jarrett comes out and demands to see Luger. Jarrett is mad that Luger accused him of beating up Miss Elizabeth two weeks ago. “This is not the WWF. We don’t abuse women here!” Luger comes out and apologizes for accusing Jeff Jarrett of hitting Miss Elizabeth with a guitar. This is exactly like “War and Peace.” But it’s all a ruse! Luger goads Jarrett into insulting Meng, who runs out. Jarrett flees, wisely. 

Miss Elizabeth and Luger join Meng. Elizabeth thanks Meng, and then ... maces him. Luger pulls out a crowbar and beats on Meng. None of this makes sense. None of it has to. We are deep within the heart of the Nitromare. 

Backstage nonsense. The Filthy Animals, who Mark accurately describes as “The Go-Bots version of DX,” come out for a good ol’ fashioned object on a pole match. The object here is a key that will free Torrie Wilson from a cage. If Eddie Guerrero wins, he will reunite Torrie with her crew. Perry Saturn implies that if he wins, he will have sex with Torrie, presumably against her will. Whenever someone talks about how great wrestling was in the late 1990s, I will remember this.

Perry Saturn is driving a forklift with the Torrie cage on it. I’m not sure he’s a licensed forklift operator. Also, I’m pretty sure the Target Center is a union shop. Could be a strike in the works here. 

Tony: “It’s been a wild night.” Brain: “It’s getting better every Monday!” Only Tony is truthful. 

Eddie vs. Saturn should be a good match, but of course it’s not. After about two minutes, there’s interference from Shane Douglas, and most of the action in the match revolves around attempts to get the key off the pole. This is the problem with object on a pole matches. 

Sign in the crowd: “CONAN [sic] IS THE TACO BELL DOG.” This is a racist reference that may be lost on younger people reading this today.

Eddie gets the key while Torrie chokes Saturn. The Filthy Animals were, theoretically, a pretty good faction. It’s kind of a fun mixture of personalities, and their all-for-one mentality really helped them stand out. They were let down by the fact that Vince Russo was in charge. 

More backstage shit, and then we’re back in the ring for a Filthy Animals match. I mean, we just had all the Filthy Animals out for the previous match, but here they are again. No way the crowd could possibly become bored by 25 minutes of the same people, right? 

Kidman and Konnan, the tag team champs, are going to be wrestling Sting and Luger. We’ve also seen a lot of Luger tonight. This is WCW, but they’re running the show like one of those super local indies where everyone has to wrestle twice on the same show. 

Some people in the crowd have Juggalo face paint, the second week in a row I’ve noticed this. Did the Misfits ever wrestle the Insane Clown Posse on a WCW show? If not, why not?

This match sucks, but Sting is still insanely popular. The crowd goes berserk at every Stinger splash. The match ends after three or four minutes via DQ, when Rey and Eddie jump Sting. The Filthy Animals were the babyfaces in the previous match, and they’re the heels here. Welcome to Vince Russo’s World of Moral Ambiguity and Veiled Rape References.

Sting is mad because Lex didn’t help against the Filthy Animals. Sting and Luger have quite the rocky friendship. Backstage, Sting knocks over an (empty) barrel of Surge, the none-more-Nineties soft drink. 

We come to the ring, where Booker T is walking out. He’s jumped on the ramp by Jeff Jarrett. This is a fun, Southern-style match, or more like a hyper fast, caffeinated version of a Southern match. Naturally, it gets interrupted by the two besuited goons working on behalf of Russo and Ferrara, and Jarrett wins. Has there been a clean pin once tonight?

A remote piece from the set of “Slam,” which would later be renamed “Ready to Rumble,” the godawful David Arquette wrestling movie. Tenay interviews Goldberg. Goldberg sure doesn’t like the Outsiders and Sid! 

A bunch of backstage garbage. Madusa, another AWA favorite, gets a nice reception from the crowd. She’s going to wrestle Evan Karagias. This is pretty much what people who don’t like intergender wrestling are thinking of when they talk about intergender wrestling. Madusa keeps trying to seduce Karagias rather than wrestle him. Madusa pins him and then makes out with him. Everything is awful.

Benoit and Malenko are wrestling in a cage. This should be a brutal classic by two of the best technical wrestlers of all time. “I can’t wait ‘til this match is over,” Brain says. I feel the same way about this episode, and this entire insane project. 

The match is not a brutal classic. It’s over in 4:29. A few decent spots, but more like a highlight reel than anything. Perry Saturn runs out to try and help Malenko. It doesn’t work. Benoit wins with a diving headbutt off the top of the cage, which is insane. The Revolution gets into the cage and they beat up Benoit. The Filthy Animals have turned into babyfaces again, and they run into the cage to help Benoit. The crowd doesn’t know what to do, so they do nothing. David Flair, the least electrifying man in sports entertainment, shows up with a crowbar to attack the Filthy Animals. Now Sting comes out to attack the Filthy Animals. With any luck, we’ll get Meng out here to attack the Filthy Animals. 

Instead, we cut to the parking garage. David Flair is trying to sneak away, but gets run down by someone driving a car. It’s Kim Page. This show is terrible. 

Backstage: someone has beaten up Nash-Vince. Good. 

Now the main event: Sid vs. Scott Hall. Why am I doing this to myself? How much longer am I going to be able to do this?

The match is bad. It lasts 4:53. For a second I have the horrifying fear that this is the match where Sid broke his leg, but then I look it up and see that it happened during the Sin PPV in January 2001. 

There’s a ref bump. Second of the night. A referee was also attacked by Shane Douglas after the key on a pole match. Bret Hart comes out on his crutches. Hits Sid. Swings and misses with Hall. Hall gets the pin on Sid. Who cares about any of this? What is even happening in this show?