#is it weird im feeling dysphoric over this

[teplejtrouba]

every so often i now notice my first beard hairs coming in. it's incredibly euphoric but also scary as i Do Not trust myself with sharp objects and am a coward and im already dreading having to shave. but i am also a snob and an aesthete and don't want a few stupid stray hairs on my neck. i also miss my smooth luscious baby face because of sensory reasons.

[effervescent-fool]

.

[illicit-lilies]

I wish I was better at talking. I feel like such a shithead child sometimes that I can't hold a conversation like a real adult. It makes me afraid for the future of my relationships...

[poems-of-a-lover]

waiting for the day i can consume cis gay media and not get insanely jealous, dysphoric, or both

[genderqueerdykes]

hey, how do you know if youre really trans? ive liked the idea of masc terms for myself for a while, but it feels kinda weird saying it. not good, not bad, just weird. is it because im still getting used to them after 18 years of being called a woman, or...?

sorry if this is heavy, i just needed someone to ask and you seem cool

that's not too heavy, that's actually a very common experience!

change, even if it's a welcome change, can feel weird and even uncomfortable at times. when i was first using masc terms and different pronouns, it felt weird at first, too. like you said, i believe it's due to being used to being referred to as a woman for so long. it may not be how you want to be referred to, but it's what you're used to. even things that are uncomfortable can feel "normal" if it's what you're used to

transition feels awkward no matter how dysphoric or uncomfortable you are. there's that initial stage of am i doing this right??? is this really for me??? that almost everyone goes through and you're not alone. most trans people end up misgendering themselves on accident, even in their own heads, during the beginning stages of transition. it's okay to be unsure of how this feels right now, you're still learning about this part of yourself

it takes time to figure out, and it especially takes time to internalize. there's a period when questioning if one is trans where we are completely unsure. it's okay to feel like you just don't know right now. questioning and figuring things out is a process, and it takes time to adjust to any major changes. now, if you find that after a good while, you still find those terms uncomfortable, they may not be right for you, but i would say give it a while to see if you can adjust. it's going to feel weird and different at first and that's okay!

the only real way to know is to take the time to try and see if it's right for you! if you find out it's not right for you, well hey, you did something awesome and explored your gender. if it is right for you, you will adjust over time. i hope that made sense! feel free to answer any more questions you may have!

[transfemme-shelterdog]

ive been on T for ten months and a few months ago i started noticing that my autism isnt seen as cute anymore. im still funny but im not cute anymore and i cant tell if i feel dysphoric over it or just weird about it or am just realizing that it does feel slightly infantilizing now that im more mannish because it feels like you can be weird and still be a woman instead of a girl but you cant be weird and be a man instead of a boy. im not either but im nearly an adult and i feel like im being treated like a well-meaning silly child thats more well-articulated than many an adult ive met.

like i like being the pet friend among close friends but i am not your (general you) damned show pony i am seven-fucking-teen.

i am realizing it is not dysphoria it is just my overall disdain of being treated poorly. whelp! like ik its different for some what were raised girls but i felt like my specific brand of weirdness (fandom) was something i was more allowed to bring into adulthood with me as a girl than as a faggot because oo quirky but now im carl and obsessed with trains whenever i talk about my interests (depending on the person) like they humor me but it feels like the ratio of humoring to listening has switched and while rarely being humored does suck rarely being listened to is far, far worse imo because one is performative and the other is actually helpful.

ALSO!!!!! I GOT SUSPENDED LAST WEEK FOR THROWING A LAPTOP AT A TEACHER BECAUSE HE WASNT LISTENING TO A PEER TRYING TO SAY "hey ur making me uncomfortable can you please do [x]" AND DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MY PARENTS WERE TOLD I DID? "[name] threw a chromebook at [teacher] because he was helping wrong"

keep in mind I EXPLAINED MYSELF VERY CLEARLY that i was throwing it because he wasnt listening to very clear and easy to follow boundaries being set by the OTHER CHILD and regardless of if it knocks sense into him at least he'll realize his behavior doesnt slide and (more importantly) the peer knows theyre not alone and that someone will fight for them SINCE NOBODY INCLUDING THE OTHER ADULT IN THE ROOM WAS DOING SHIT FOR THEM!!!!!

AND THAT WAS WHAT THEY SAID TO MY PARENTS!!!! when my parents and i spoke about it and i explained they did agree "woah yeah thats not only shitty but he is Not A Great Fit" (after also explaining that more of his overstepping boundaries happened towards fem (and more insecure fem might i add) students and that this was not a one-time thing. months back (when my voice was cracking al ot) he was helping me with math (that he also didnt understand bc he was always on HIS PHONE while the students have phones locked away) and i got pissy he told me what about my future and i was like I DO NOT KNOW YOU!!!! THAT IS BARELY A CONVO I HAVE WITH MY PARENTS STFU UP!!!! and we went in circles until i left and explained to other adults "he was acting like he was gonna be a part of my future AND IT WAS ALSO FUCKING WEIRD OF HIM")

this ended up more of a rant about a specific staff i just hate his fucking guts but also i hate how the ratio of humoring to listening has reversed in such a tangible way like wtf i have 5 whiskers and suddenly im still funny but not worth being taken seriously? really? and oh im cringe and stupid and loud? really? really? really?

at least my eighth grade teacher was mask off transphobic instead of just infantilizing towards masc-aligned young adults what the fuck. i'd prefer being told im an asshole outright than being told "maybe i should consider the perspective of THE GUY THAT DOESNT LISTEN TO PEOPLE SETTING GODDAMNED BOUNDARIES!!!!"

sorry for the horribly long rant i hope youre doing well and if you have time i think itd be cool if you watch parkour civilization (youtube series thats a shonen anime through the medium of minecraft that plays on the mid-to-late-2010s minecraft thumbnails "noob, bro, master, god" but as actual ranks that determine your ability to jump through outside means (be it impossible jumps or being left starving and unable to sprint) and (presumably for immersion reasons) most of the characters are named after the archetype instead of their username (parkour villain instead of clownpiercer, parkour master instead of whoever the fuck plays them, etc) and it (maybe accidentally) has really good themes about dismantling capitalism and one of the most fascinating differences between seasons 1 and 2 is that now there are more tangible stakes because in s1 evbo was more by himself (because on the noob level most of them were dead and on the pro level people were busy by themselves and on the master level being seen as weak was also a barrier from human connection) but in s2 evbo (main character) has to save his best friend AND parkour civilization it's really damn cool)

also as someone who calls themself a fujoshi sometimes because i find it fits well enough THERE IS (non-canon) PARKOUR YAOI!!!!! THERES BOTH TOXIC YAOI AND GOD X HIS FIRST BELIEVER YAOI!!!! the toxic yaoi is great bc right before one of the two dies his last line is "for what it's worth i really did enjoy working with you" and then he dies and the other two is the parkour god willing to sacrifice all of parkour civilization before losing their first believer (whos also their friend). fucker got ONE friend and went "youre worth more than life itself" but in actions instead of words i love him so much lmao

There's definitely a difference in how men and women with autism are treated, I've found. Like, women with autism are seen as more "cute" while men with autism are seen as the more "cringe neckbeards" who love trains and the like. It's rough, and I wish you nothing but the best with navigating that shift in how you're treated.

I also hope that your teachers start talking to you with more respect. I know what it's like to have teachers that just don't listen and don't care for what you say, or how you feel. I had to deal with teachers like that all through grades 1-12. It's frustrating, but luckily it's only temporary.

I'll definitely give those videos a watch when I've got a few hours to kill :3, I appreciate the recommendation!

[selfship-help]

Hi there!! I hope you don't mind me stopping by! I guess I just have a concern very vaguely related to that rude anon post from a couple hours ago lol??

I've been transmasc for about two years now and overall I've been comfortable with my identity. I'm decently new to the selfship community, and I love my f/o very much! I guess there's a conflict I run into though? My f/o is female and super popular in the community, and her personality makes her a very popular fandom pick for lesbian headcanons, which is totally cool and awesome!!

I guess just,, in the back of my mind, I see why people think that and I feel like I'm undeserving of her as a result? She's heavily interpreted as being lesbian, and I am the only male selfshipper with her that I know of at all. All of her selfship or x reader related media is from a female point-of-view, and dedicated to a female audience. It makes me feel really unseen and invalidated,, I know this is a really silly thing to be upset over, but I can't shake it!

I haven't had anything make me feel so dysphoric in a really long time. I feel like there's nothing about me she'd love, and I'm just wasting her time when she'd be so much happier with someone else,,

I guess in case anyone else has had this really weird, really specific problem before, would there be any advice I could get on how to.. forgive myself for being the way I am? Lol

Thanks so much for your time in advance!! I'm really really sorry for the ramble! 💖 (And please don't feel any pressure to entertain me if you don't want to, I totally understand if you'd prefer not to engage,, thank you anyway!)

im so sorry anon! i promise you that no matter what, your f/o loves you for you - while fandoms may interpret her as lesbian, that's exactly all that is; an interpretation! your interpretation of her may be different from others and that's OK! don't let a fandom's majority headcanons hold you down. and plz dont give that rude anon any mind, their point of view was very close minded and i wouldn't want any of the followers here getting the wrong idea from them </3 -mod ☁️

[genderkoolaid]

do you also get cis people treating transmasculinity as something super fragile or that they need to affirm constantly? i dont know if this is a transandrophobia specific thing but i get people like over-affirming my gender all the time ("supportive" cis friends calling me a "man" too much, talking about my dick (despite me being. pre surgery. and also it being weird to talk about my genitalia w/o consent), commenting on me "looking like a man" on days im trying to pass more) its like weirdly just. reminding me im not cis for no reason? ive seen stuff where cis people will overcompensate by calling trans men handsome, but a lot of the time in my experience it seems to be directly linked with an obsession of me being a non-passing, pre surgery/"fragile" trans men, its so weird

This definitely isn't exclusive to transmasculinity- I've heard a lot of transfems talk about a similar experience of cis people being very "yass slay queen" in trying to affirm their genders, but (especially when they only do that to trans people) it just ends up being very alienating. I think it generally comes from a good place but there's definitely an issue of cis people both assuming transness is inherently insecure and needs cis approval to feel good about itself, and also having a very narrow view of transness & what trans people's goals are.

Personally I really dislike "short king" as an unprompted compliment because it often ends up just feeling demeaning and pitying (like "aww you're trying so hard to be sexy when you're so short! how cute :) here's a charity compliment lil guy") which just makes me more dysphoric about my height than if you just compliment me like a normal fucking person. It's like people want to be allies but still get uncomfortable/unsure when someone is presenting a certain way while being visibly trans, so they feel the need to either point it out in a "compliment" or overcompensate to try and make themselves feel better about us not being cis.

[wolfertinger]

"//Keep anon

So. Salem reblogged forcemasc.

I've never heard of this pawberri cuckhold until just now, i try to do all my research in a private tab (and also because i initially baited Salem into blocking me so i wouldnt get involved in all this. i got involved in all of it)

thissss statement feels. odd. weird. he isnt condemning these immoral sexual fantasies, a part of engaging in incestplay or cnc or child s/a roleplay is actually a form of repression instead of an "outlet", Patricia Taxxon poisoned everyones fucking brain with the "its actually theraputic child abuse sex" talk. (oh, and Salem WAS mutuals with Patricia, even when people were telling him she gets off to pedocest rape.) (hint hint-Salems current fixations- hint hint. the shotacon commission)

Weirdo statement. This is very reflective of Patricia Taxxons "its actually theraputic dad/daughter rapecest!", if you actually do a bit of research engaging sexually and glorifying your trauma in this light is a form of repression rather then genuine therapy. (and of course, Salem was mutuals with an adjacent person- 4lung, he'd go out of his way to block people who told him 4lung was a ped but i digress)

so..this all but confirms Salem sees transmasculinity as a fetish, hes probably going to begin engaging in something akin to the above(forced masculinization) but the question is.

why was he engaging with this person?

bit of a scroll and you can see that Ramiel and Salem shared one anothers posts, so possibly mutuals.

So. yeah.Salem is reblogging dubious art from a dubious mutual, it kind of shows his true colours here in a way since we've already known he was a fetishist, but this is actually a new low for him.

Im just surprised he didnt go for the forcefem alt of that drawing.

i wish people would just give up with the forcegendering shit. drop the act, it was never progressive. its just blatant horndog bullshit and worthless for the queer community."

/

i am struggling, to understand this persons logic. yes. these are adult bodies, pretending to be children, fetishizing and glorifying CSA. there have been many people, who claim their therapist allows them to engage in such content, as "healing". but, posting publicly about something so incredibly traumatic and damaging, i feel, will never be the right way, to go about it. regardless. you are fetishizing CSA. that is just a fact. i have never understood, why people with taboo kinks, do not understand how they work. you like these things, BECAUSE they are a taboo. BECAUSE, things like incest, pedophilia, ect, is a major byproduct, of the misogynistic world we live in.

i also admittedly, do not understand "forcemasc". i know, it is in reference to "forcefem", as a subversion. but, like you said. salem is actively, non dysphoric. he fears, and has expressed disgust, toward wearing binders, and taking hormones. he likely is into "forcemasc", as a way to get over, that feeling. which i do not think is particularly healthy, either.

this, is coming from the outside, as someone who does not have, and has barely heard of, this kink prior. so, i may be biased, in my thinking. i do think salem is GNC. but, he actively does fetishize transition/trans bodies, most notably, transfem ones. that is also, just a fact.

[felidthing]

yknow. at this point ive spent roughly half of my life experiencing gender dysphoria and i can tell you it feels exactly the same when it comes to species. i'd argue ive been species dysphoric longer than ive been gender dysphoric. and i cope with it on this barest minimum level mostly because what i want just isnt possible- species-affirming medical care doesnt exist- and because of the stigma surrounding even the most surface-level identification with non-human animals.

and its not something im safe from in trans communities, the idea of nonhuman people are scapegoated by trans people and transphobes. "if we let kids identify as any gender then what if kids start identifying as animals?" vs the famous threat of "making a mockery" of trans people. i am trans people. im transgendered. i have transitioned. my experiences with gender and species are nearly identical. huge communities all over the world have made themselves known and worked to live their lives with the gender identity and presentation they feel is correct and comfortable. why is there a barrier when it comes to species?

"well you see, its weird to identify as nonhuman" okay, cool. its weird to identify outside your assigned sex and gender, too. its a mental illness to experience distress about your gender, and a lot of people still consider it a mental illness to be nonconforming at all, let alone seek medical intervention about it.

im not asking for everyone to flip their animal switches from no to yes. i just wish i could talk about this more freely without worrying about being alienated by my peers or institutionalized by the people with power over me

[peskytimeswithscar]

ok it's headcanon time for.... grian!!!!

in regards to identity i view him as being aro-spec, while i could find a specific label i feel like c!grian wouldn't care much into finding that label, i think he'd prefer to just identify as being on the spectrum but he wouldn't really put in the time or effort into researching it

he also is asexual!! however im just asexual myself so all my blorbos must be asexual bc it feels. weird if not

and he's gay!!! gay man, gay gay homo (but actually this is mainly just because of yhs where he says hes "no im into dudes", plus i just cannot see c!grian with a woman that man is gay)

i also see him as being on the asensual (sensual attraction is the desire to touch others in a non-sexual way, e.g. cuddling, kissing, etc) spectrum !! mainly demi-asenflux because i feel like he would only like touch from people he's close + sometimes really doesn't want to be touched, but sometimes/alot of the time he really wants to and is the clingiest

he also gives off vibes of being on the aplatonic spectrum but i cannot think of anything in specific, maybe demiplatonic and cupioplatonic? i just feel like smth is up w this man's platonic orientation,, he def wants to have friends and is willing to do so but he only really feels platonic attraction whenever he's actually close to a person

i could probably go more into detail but those are the primary ones in my head for his sexuality so lets (finally) go onto GENDER!!!!

this man is definitely transgenderism!!! he identifies as a trans-man tho i do feel like his standards of being a man definitely differ to society's, he's most definitely gender non-conforming and he mainly wears androgynous or feminine clothing most of the time (though he only really wears skirts or dresses if hes cross-dressing as ariana griande)

he also probably is somewhere on the non-binary spectrum he just doesn't really identify with it

i feel like he primarily uses it/he pronouns? he definitely feels less than human due to his watcher roots so it got used to being called it/its, he also only is called she/her when he's cross-dressing as ariana griande, and if i had to give him some neoprns i feel like he'd enjoy chirp/chirp's? or some sort of parrot themed neopronouns

i also think he wouldn't get top surgery! it's easier for him not to since he only gets dysphoric over the shape they cause (which can easily be solved via a binder) instead of the actual chest itself

ok gender part over now it's time for some other headcanons

this man is definitely 100% neurodivergent, i feel like in particular he has adhd (this man cannot finish the back of his bases and gets distracted off tasks like a dog seeing a squrriel) and autism!!! i feel like he sometimes goes non-verbal (though i feel, as a parrot hybrid, when he's non-verbal he just ends up copying what other people are saying to him, so maybe that could be considered semi-verbal?), i think he would stim ALOT using his wings, he's happy and suddenly u have feathers everywhere because he flapped them alongside his hands

i think he would also have really bad rejection sensitive dysphoria, he definitely dislikes getting rejected from things which leads to him bottling alot of things up and causing plenty of the scarian miscommunication we're all too familiar with

he also stims with bird noises alot! he likes to chirp and squawk when he's happy, tho that may also just be because he's a parrot hybrid

he definitely changes hyperfixations like the wind, one week he likes this one thing and another he likes this other thing, and i feel like he would only really have 1 or 2 special interests that actually stick around (one of them likely being architecture/building, the other probably being birds and such)

he tends to have a very changing routine and schedule due to his adhd HOWEVER he has some routines (mainly with scar in them, who prefers to have very set routines cause that man also has autism) which never change or both of them get stressed out (e.g. morning/night routine, a routine that started in the desert and then followed them onto hermitcraft - they both get very stressed out on the life series since it disrupts their routines)

this was.... alot more text than i was expecting to write but anyway!!! expect a scar one at some point

[dervampireprince]

Hey~i saw your post to that ask about the females/fems/nbs and as a (chronic tapper albeit shy,) fem myself maybe I could offer a *polite* and *articulated* perspective. Im not the best at using tone indicators as I’m a chronic emoji user, so please know the intended tone is a sort of mix of well meaning and a bit saddish? I simply ask you read all before responding <3.

As a long term listener, like I’m taking I remember when you posted your 1k thank you, maybe sometimes it feels a bit awkward to listen to M4M specifically for the shes and theys? And not even from a problematic way, like I am someone who imagines myself and have a hard time imagining otherwise Of course I want to gobble up every video because I genuinely like you as a creator and you voice two of my biggest comfort characters so well (Viktor and Astarion,) but I’ll admit even I get a bit pouty (not mad/upset I mean like 🥺) when it’s not M4A of a character I adore HAHA (I am a goblin for valentine in terms of your OCs btw.)

Of course no one is saying that as a creator you can’t do what you want (at least speaking for myself and hopefully the normal fems/nbs lol), but you still have thousands of listeners that arent on patreon/maybe can’t afford/pay for some reason. And that’s not me saying give away free spicy audios or something, but maybe a recommendation (again well meaning and trying to help because I adore your work and I want the best for you <3) maybe unless it’s a patreon request leave *non* oc’s as (T)M4A, like if you’re just doing a character for however you decide to rotate them?

I’m sure you know how feral about comfort characters some people can be haha. Idk as a female I don’t want you to suddenly think all the fems/females/NBs are bad and to alienate/punish them because of someone probably being crap at expressing themselves. I also do think part of it is that weird para-social behavior too at play. I thought maybe I’d throw my two cents because I care and you’ve been a great help with your audios through out my doctoral program (I feel like an old lady writing that lol.) also as a final note I do appreciate you representing trans men/ because it’s been very helpful and a safe(as in no fear if saying something stupid or asking wrong)/cozy/digestible way for a cis girl like me to learn more about it and I really appreciate that <3

Phew sorry for that the ND itch to ramble and I appreciate you engage with us <3

ah hi. well firstly thank you for sticking around for so long oh my goodness.

i fully understand anyone feeling uncomfortable or dysphoric over m4m audios, just as i would if i listened to a m4f audio. and i have no problem with anyone being a bit disappointed or not wanting to listen to m4m audios. what i had a problem with was someone saying they were 'going to die' because i posted an m4m audio. i do not like guilt tripping, i do not like people threatening to harm themselves in order to get something they want from me, i have had people in the past who would threaten things like that and it was traumatising so it's triggering and upsetting to me to see anything similar to that sort of talk.

i understand i have listeners who cannot afford to pay for my patreon. however, i am still always going to take requests from my patreons, they pay for that reward, i'm not going to take it away that would be unfair. as for only making m4a audios for fandom characters like you suggest, no. i'm not going to do that. i don't want that to be upsetting, but as i said before i am a trans man and sometimes i want to focus on making audios for trans men like me. i don't think that's wrong. and i'm sorry if there's a lack of nonbinary and trans fem listener audios out there, but it shouldn't be put on me to fix that and fill that void? i dont think? is that wrong of me to say? i think it's wrong to say you don't want me to make fandom m4m audios anymore. because when i do make fandom m4m audios the majority of the time it's period comfort audios for trans men and gender affirmations for trans men. why do you think i should stop doing that? do trans men not deserve representation? do trans men not deserve comfort audios aimed specifically at them? i'm sorry if you feel left out if a period comfort audio is m4m instead of m4a or m4f but there are other creators out there who have made m4a and m4f period comfort audios. i know you are trying to be nice, and i appreciate your message, but i am not going to stop making audios for trans men. i don't see why it's wrong of me to do that.

and i in no way would alienate nonbinary and fems because one trans fem was rude to me? i hope you wouldn't seriously think i would do that. i've had discussions today with nonbinary, women and trans fem members of my discord about the earlier ask and been assured by them that i haven't been doing anything by making the occasional m4m audio but it did come up that because my discord is majority trans men/mascs that one was worried about being fem in there but thankfully no longer had those worries after joining and being involved with talking to others in there.

so if anything can come of that ask, i want to make it clear that nonbinary people, women (cis or trans), trans fems and anyone fem aligned are of course as always welcome in my spaces. just because i make some m4m content doesn't mean that you aren't. attraction to female characters probably doesn't come up as much in my spaces as people are mostly talking about my ocs that i voice who of course are not women because voicing female characters would make me dysphoric. but i'm a bi/pan man, i have a wonderful partner who i just had my three year anniversary with who is a woman. i in no way am unwilling to make m4f audios, it's just a matter of what gets requested, and i don't think it's wrong if sometimes i have a personal preference to make audios for trans men when i myself am a trans man who wants to make stuff for people like me. and there are trans fem asmr vas on youtube, there are genderfluid and nonbinary vas, and just other vas in general. if you really don't like that i make audios for trans men, mostly make gender neutral audios to be inclusive of everyone, and rarely make m4f audios.. there's nothing i can do about that. you don't have to listen to my audios, you certainly do not have to listen to any that make you uncomfortable or dysphoric.

and so to end this let me shout out some creators on youtube who are trans or trans inclusive that make audios for or inclusive to gender neutral or trans fem or nonbinary listeners, because they are out there and you don't have to expect me to be the only one to fill that niche, a lot of these channels have under 10k subs so go show them some love:

https://www.youtube.com/@LilacLorenza a trans woman (she/her) making audios that are mostly TF4TF with some TF4TM

https://www.youtube.com/@kamiyakuniVA a trans person (he/him) making audios that are mostly M4A with some M4F, M4TM and M4M

https://www.youtube.com/@salemAudio (they/them) salem was one of the first va asmr channels i found and a huge inspiration, they make mostly M4A audios with some M4M

https://www.youtube.com/@lil_slice_of_Everything (they/he/she) making audios mostly 4A with a couple genderfluid and nonbinary listener audios

https://www.youtube.com/@GhostlyGrowlsASMR (she/her) making mostly TF4TF audios

https://www.youtube.com/@thestrokeofmidnight7269 making a mix of M4A, M4F, M4M, M4NB audios

https://www.youtube.com/@ThatCatJac making M4F, M4M and M4NB audios

https://www.youtube.com/@WhispurrAudio making M4A, M4F, M4TF, M4TM, M4NB audios

but that's just a handful i know of and others i found just by searching gender tags like M4NB M4TF on Youtube, there's more channels that just me out there, and maybe the best person to make 4NB audios is a nonbinary person, and maybe the best person to make 4TF audios is a trans woman, and maybe that's why i like making 4TM audios. i'm a trans man. i make audios i wish i could hear. that's all.

and also the majority of my audios are still M4A.

/nm

[kizashige]

im a new morishige fan can you explain transfem morishige

Oh jesus. I have many many thoughts and reasons for it, but simply put, I think everything about his character cuts far deeper working with him as transfem (specifically I headcanon him as bigender transfem).

but I feel like to explain all of that, I have to explain a little about his queer-coding in general. it's different factors like his fate in heavenly host, his inability to assimilate into his own friend group, those struggles with his social image and what's expected of him, his relationships with mayu, his parents, even the structure of his darkening.

it's how he defines his masculinity-- and in the grand scheme of corpse party, both masculinity and femininity are aspects that are played with throughout different characters.

I could write so fucking much about this, but particularly there's a parallel of kizami being one of the more traditionally masculine characters and how much he's respected for it, and mayu being more traditionally feminine and how much she's admired by her peers. they're both incredibly aware of how to use their masculinity or femininity, respectively, in order to gain some kind of social leverage, and both have their gender expression tied to some kind of complex (kizami's entire thing with yuka and his own siblings, mayu's breakdown where she couldn't bear to have ayumi and yoshiki see her bruises because she didn't want them to think she was ugly aka imperfect) (they are also so trans to me). kai, ohkawa, mitsuki, the pattern is also there with them, but this isn't about them.

morishige fits into that pattern by being an androgynous character with less masculine interests, a less masculine physique, and how he's not taken seriously by his peers whatsoever because of it. I see how he carries his masculinity as an example of someone's who overcompensating, because there's a futility to his efforts towards his presentation and his gender expression. he's not successful at it, he can't get that social leverage. to me, that mirrors being a closeted trans person trying to conform to those gender roles and just being so incapable of that.

I think that overcompensating carries over to his relationship with mayu as well, especially with the way he views himself as her protector and the only one who truly knows her weaknesses, despite that he says himself he doesn't want to save her for a noble reason and rather because he can't live without her. it comes across to me as him playing up that stereotypically masculine role in their relationship to cope with his circumstances, and to no avail, rather than a real need to get out her of heavenly host (in contrast to, say, yoshiki and ayumi).

and in general, morishige is overcompensating a lot. he prides himself on being stoic (he's forced to exercise empathy to keep himself in check), rational (he is paranoid, clouded by his own bitterness, and falls prey to his obsession), and independent (he did not have the willpower to survive without mayu). what heavenly host does for morishige is constantly challenge his own perception of himself, and I think taking that concept out of the context of heavenly host and using it as a larger part of his character really works for a transfem headcanon. especially as the darkening has him confront himself with denial and shame, and mirroring that with him confronting that he's actually trans.

something else about the darkening is how antagonistic he is towards every corpse he sees because they represent something he was never able to have before heavenly host. and every corpse he comes across is female.

and in regards to his family, his background in being viewed as this weird, off-putting child by his own family, that everything about his behavior is scrutinized by his parents and how much he resents that perception just means a lot more to me with him as a closeted trans girl.

I like headcanoning him as very very socially dysphoric because of all that and that he actually hates validation and how he's perceived by people no matter what. that the expectations of either gender and feeling like he's being boxed into one or the other would drive him crazy when he wants to be seen as both.

she can be everything.

she/he/it☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

[warmcoals]

Is there a way to politely “break up” with my friends? I’m a transfemme lesbian who recently came out. All my friends are guys and they’ve been supportive and i love them in a way but hanging with men makes me feel like “one of the boys” (even though they’re super kind and respectful and treat me like a woman) and I just feel so dysphoric when we spend time together, as nice as they are. It’s not any fault of their own, but I think the best life for me involves as few men as possible, like the brave lesbians who made me want to transition (like you, btw. Thanks!). I’m not super unhappy around them, but I just feel like if I was successful in my goals I’d be in some sort of Touhou world.

aw hell im late responding to this one. but funny enough i was in a very similar sitch early in transition. and my biggest advice? do not break up(tm) with those guys.

like, start talking to more girls online, duh. find a community for something u like and just participate, talk to other ppl, hang out. see if anyone is in yr area to meet up sometime etc etc. you know how to make friends. but like, once you have girlies in yr life, and they make up just abt yr whole life, youll look back on your dumbass rotten egg dudes and be like, well, cheers. theyll be happy to hear how yr doing later on, and youll be dumbfounded by the lives of normies once they grow up.

for now just like. literally just say "cant hang out as much!" or schedule games movies whatever night w other ppl. youll grow apart naturally, no need to do anything dramatic. the girls will edge them out naturally over time and you can wave at them fondly from the weird tslur tower you live in.

[yourbigendergremlet]

Here is a bunch of rambles ive vollected over a few months instead of posting them in seperate posts

Feeling dysphoric about my face not being masculine, putting my hair down because it makes me feel masculine, i hate hair in my face, all my headbands to hold my hair back have bows on it, rip off the bows, wear is like a sweatband

Manly ✨

Even if i was ever gonna come out to my family as bigender, they wouldn't just say it is terrible, they would just tell me that im making no sense because i am still female, a part of me is still that, but they just wouldn't get that a part of me is also male, they would just say it was a tomboy. If they continue to misgender me, they aren't exactly wrong because i am still female so calling me she/her is still not wrong so i cant get that angry about it

Feeling dysphoria? I just made a new album in my gallery and copied any images that made me feel like a guy into there and named it "i am a big strong beautiful manly man"

Felt like a guy today but went to church and was gonna sit in the mens side but then felt extremely uncomfortable so i went to the women's side but i also felt uncomfortable with myself there and aaaagh

Me making braclets with my pride flags but my family dont know that thy are pride flags because they dont know the bigender and genderfluid flags 😎

Complaining to my little brother about our mum not letting me buy men's clothes and freely shopping in the men's section with him because he has not yet been tainted by our parents and older sister's views and feeling amazing even though he still knows nothing about lgbt stuffs

Me thinking of a plan to ask my little brother what his views on the lgtvs are but descreetly so that if he doesnt like it he wont tell mother 0.0

Conversation switches to "lgbt people bad", me goes completely silent 0.0 me: "haha yeah thats weird..." when talked directly to desperately trying to switch topic while not outing myself

My sister wants to try new nail polish but already has some on so asks my little brother to do it on him, parents being like "nooo he's a boyyyy" and my sister being like "yeah guys wear nail polish now tho but he still isnt gonna be able to be a girl" and me being there like "yeah, he can put on nail polish" and internally screaming that guys can be girls if they are aaaa

Hahaha internalised transphobia :D for a while there

Me: am i actually genderfluid or am i actually bigender? Am i faking it? Am i pretending to relate to genderfluid and ftm trans people? Am i only just female and male or am i non binary also a bit??? Am i duel weilding my genders or am i fluctuating between them right now i have no clue??????? Is that why im feeling like thisssss???

Me going out somewhere, analysing how guys walk and act differently to girls and taking mental notes

Walking two steps like how people say guys walk and feeling absolutely on top of the world before going back to normal

Hoping im being subtle in trying to lower my voice so my family dont question it (and horribly failing at being subtle why is lowering your voice a bit so hard??)

Tumblr recomending me a suspicious amount of transgender posts before i had started properly questioning my gender or even thought about it

If i was a AMAB, being bigender would be so much easier becuase it's easier to just wear a skirt or dress and look distinctly feminine and then wear other stuff and look distinctly masculine but as a AFAB when you wear male clothes you still look female but who just bought something from the male section instead of looking like a guy

My mum speaking arabic and using the masculine versions of words for me as a joke but me internally pretending that she is using my correct pronouns 🥲

Me considering getting the school trousers so i can wear that sometimes instead of my skirt but also its my last year and no point spending money on uncomfortable trousers ill never wear again if its only for one year

So in church, women wear something called an isharba which is a headscarf meant to cover your hair to be modest.

Ive noticed that on days where im feeling like a girl, i can wear the isharba theoughout the mass but on days where im feeling like a guy i feel very uncomfortable wearing it and dont usually wear it in the mass. On some days i can wear it on and off throughout as well. It's intresting how my gender also effects something like wearing a head scarf, but i guess it can also be kinda like skirts in that sense? It was also a very subconcious feeling and even when i wasnt aware of what gender i was that day i would sometimes feel uncomfortable

Some days i feel more comfortable with the label bigender, and sometime im more comfortable with the label genderfluid and it's weird

Today im feeling more masculine, but also not fully so im more between he/they. But also there is a small twinge of feminine but only a small amount.

So i dont really feel like he/him, but i dont like they/them for myself, but then also im not he/she because there isnt a lot of she in me but im not he/him because i dont feel fully like a guy.

Im not none of them because i am all of them but to varying degrees to the extent where im not comfortable with any of the pronouns no matter how they are balanced. Idk? Are people just not meant to refer to me when i feel like this????

A very specific feeling i want to experience is wearing a dress while looking like a boy, i really want to have the feeling of being a cis boy wearing a dress so much

I didn't realise how important having facial and body hair was to me until my mum and sister kept saying that i should shave it. I really really love my body and facial hair and i really want even a small beard but my mum and sister made me shave my tiny moustache hairs and unibrow for christmas and tried to get me to shave my leg and arm hair and i feel super dysphoric without it being there anymore

That moment of delusion where i pretend to myself that the soft fabricy present my sister got for me was a binder and fantasise about it but its just a jumper in reality

My sister was talking about starfield and how stupid it was that you could put pronouns "why not just have it male and female lol" and i tried to laugh along but really just could not make it sound energetic and i felt kinda sick

Ive recently had the epithany that as a bigenderfluid person i am still allowed to be a femboy or a tomboy and that being feminine doesnt necessarily make me a girl that day and i am still a guy and-

[tolovethemoon19]

tw: discussion of ed and dysphoria

i feel like something that isn't talked about so much in transitioning (i am ftm) is the difference in expectations for bodies. I began developing a restrictive ed in 3rd grade (or 8yrs old). It has followed me all throughout my life. this time last year i was going to be admitted into residential care because i was getting worse and worse and losing more weight despite being far lighter than i should have been. but its so weird because a lot of the reasons why i still struggle so much is because of the rhetoric i grew up with surrounding women's bodies. i came out as trans in 7th grade (i was like 13), and have been out since then. me coming out did not get rid of my ed in the slightest (though for some reason i thought it would). instead i found ways to translate the expectations for women surrounding weight onto men. i believed i would only pass if i was small and skinny. though i should have known better. i am not skinny. well, i would be considered skinny by a lot of people, but its not my natural state. i've always been heavier or more broad than other people. but now ive altered my body so much that you would never know. i thought i would be so happy being small. but now i see new expectations for myself as a man. i see myself in the mirror and i feel dysphoric when i see my body because i look the way i was told women were supposed to look: small, lithe, scrawny. i don't know how to change my mindset. i know women aren't supposed to looks a certain way. i know men aren't supposed to look a certain way. but for some reason, i am supposed to look a certain way. i've completely fucked myself over. of course now the way i want to look (stronger and more muscular) would involve me gaining weight. that terrifies me. i don't know who i am or what i look like or what i want to look like. all i know is that any amount of change scares me. if i think im gaining weight i restrict again. when i lose weight i feel bad and feel like i should try and gain weight. i don't know. i wish i was cis. i wish things were different. i wish i knew how to change.