#is it suicide if I don't want to die anymore I just don't want this life I have

[carnage-cathedral]

doesn't matter if it's tumblr drama or a life threatening arson case. the people who hurt me get away with basically no consequences and I get treated like I'm the one who committed all of the fucking crimes

[ergativeabsolutive]

my insurance is up this year as of my birthday and i got my disability denied so its not even going to get better its gonna get worse

[nest-being]

i hate that i've been so sick recently :( i wake up tired and sore every day and there's just a bunch of seemingly small health issues that just all add up together and it's freaking me out so much. i went and got my blood tests done yesterday and i've got a doctor's appointment next week so i really, really, REALLY hope i get some answers and not just another, hmmm, weeeell 🤷🏻‍♀️ from my doctor. i'm supposed to be moving overseas with my wife next year so i literally NEED to get better. is wishful thinking enough to heal me?? i wish it was 😢

[orion-archives]

I'm tired. Of all of this.

Every fucking day feels like the same, yet it gets heavier. Things get worse, nothing gets better and the few things that gave me security, happiness, where I thought I could escape and be free for some moments, are getting corrupted, forgotten, stained forever, never to be the same refuge they once were.

I'm tired of living sometimes. Of existing on this world.

I know how dying feels; it's calming, the darkness eats you and you feel without worries for the first time in your existance. You know it and that frees you.

But I don't want to die. I'm a coward. I want to continue living on this earth just because I think I can do something in the future, something that will fix everything, something that will give a purporse to everything I've done and lived through.

But we all know that is just a lie to make us feel better, don't we?

Because, at the end of all, do we really matter? What can assure us that?

I'm tired. Too tired.

I want to go somewhere else, but there is nowhere to escape. I want to say that I want to go home, go to the park, go to a forest and be happy. But this is something that will haunt me, haunt me forever and everywhere until the end.

Because you can't escape yourself.

I'm tired...

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

dietitian warned me the other day i may need to go inpatient if this keeps getting worse and it hasn't left my mind ever since. partly because i don't see the reason. i am literally gaining weight. and also because a non-zero part of me wants to go back inpatient and i don't know why

[scarletcomet]

my therapist was trying to convince me that I'd miss out on all of these things if I died, but I really don't care??

[sga-owns-my-soul]

haha ignore this i need to vent

i'm so fucking done i'm so fucking mad at everyone i'm pissed at my cousin for fucking me over i'm pissed at my clients for being fucking idiots i'm pissed at my city for NEVER HAVING WORKING FUCKING TRANSIT i'm not okay i'm so not fucking okay and i don't even have my fucking headphones bc they fell out of my jacket in my cousins STUPID FUCKING CAR THAT I BASICALLY PAY FOR BUT GOD FORBID SHE DRIVE ME HOME so now i get to spend over 2 hours (after i've spent 3 hours on transit/waiting for her this morning) on public transit to get home WITHOUT my music and my clothes are ruined with cat hair from my clients today so that's fucking great and OF COURSE everything in the fucking city is delayed bc WHY WOULD WE MAKE ANYTHING EASY FOR ME NO ITS FINE ILL JUST FUCKING SUFFER TO MAKE THINGA EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE GODFORBID I GET TO CATCH A FUCKING BREAK

[rejoiceandcomplain]

.

[tirednapentity]

hrgh

[daz4i]

it's incredibly hard not to despair over all of this ngl

[elliesbelle]

lol

[medicinemane]

And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"

I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse

And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa

And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house

I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished

...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)

And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff

There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government

No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)

Like have some accountability there and in every situation

Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free

If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off

I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)

But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced

Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around

I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)

...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change

(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)

(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)

[turtlemagnum]

thinking about how the people around me, particularly people i dont know anymore, impacted my fantasy setting. the raccoon people i added because of a friend who wanted to be a raccoon. goblins existing in the way that they do because of someone i still know who really likes a specific kind of goblin, and made me like them too. even minor things, like deciding that a character's eyes were gray because the person i was talking to also had gray eyes. there"s definitely a lot of me in there, but there's still little bits and pieces of others in there too

[archerstreet]

my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and

[musical-chick-13]

*sigh* I wish I didn't have so much weird baggage around my birthday.

[thebreakfastgenie]

Not to talk about my The Late Captain Pierce suicidal ideation theory but "Trapper went home and they're still coming" I could leave and they'd still come "Henry got killed and they're still coming" I could die and they'd still come.