#is it really that bad

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really That Bad?

2023 was a really rough year for Disney. Marvel had two of the biggest flops, Quantumania and The Marvels, with only the phenomenal finale to the Guardians of the Galaxy trilogy wedged in between to give audiences faith; Star Wars didn’t fare much better, with divisive works like the third season of The Mandalorian and the first season of Ahsoka splitting the fanbase as usual; the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid floundered with critics and audiences alike, while Haunted Mansion was dead on arrival; the final Indiana Jones film got middling reviews, with some even saying it made Crystal Skull seem better in hindsight; and Elemental nearly burnt out at the box office due to abysmal advertising, only getting a second wind from positive word of mouth. Keep in mind, 2023 was the studio’s big 100th anniversary. Flopping this hard with all their major brands was not a good look. Thankfully, they had a really special animated film dropping for this historic anniversary, a film that was a big love letter to Disney history. It’s ostensibly a film about the origin of the wishing star other characters in other films wish upon—a novel concept to be sure! How did this premise pay off for Disney?

It bombed, with a net loss of $131 million. Keep in mind that films like Raya and Encanto, which also did poorly, had less time of theaters due to COVID. Also keep in mind Wish was advertised like crazy. Toys, clothes, ads, this movie got it all! And all of that likely contributed to how bad a financial failure it was. To make matters worse, critics were extremely mixed on the film, and the opinions of audiences weren’t much nicer. People had been skeptical from the first trailer, and so the film had an uphill battle to begin with, and sadly that uphill battle turned out to be a Sisyphean one, with the boulder slipping and rolling all the way back down to the bottom for Disney.

I genuinely had zero interest in ever watching this, and keep in mind I have access to Disney+ so it isn’t like I’d be paying specifically to see it. But I have a little daughter who became obsessed with the movie, and so I had to watch it about a dozen times. And with how much of a disaster this was for Disney, after the umpteenth viewing I decided I may as well give my thoughts. Is this movie any good, or is that just wishful thinking?

THE GOOD

I think it’s safe to say King Magnifico is the standout performance of the film. Chris Pine is clearly having an absolute blast playing the guy, and he manages to deliver a fun, upbeat, poppy villain song that succeeds despite some really bizarre and nonsensical lyrics. Sure, he’s not an S-tier villain or anything, but he’s a lot more fun and enjoyable than any of the mediocre twist villains Disney plagued us with during the 2010s. He’s an enjoyable asshole, consumed by his own ego.

Aside from his villain song, I do like some of the other music. “At All Costs” is a very nice, tender song; “Knowing What I Know Now” is a heroic “shit just got real” song, with a foreboding aura that nicely contrasts the villain’s lightehearted number; and “Welcome to Rosas,” a fun little iintro song for the story. Now, all of these songs have some issues (we’ll get tot hose in a bit), but they’re definitely fun and enjoyable if you can overlook some of the flaws.

I’m sure a lot of people found the numerous Disney references to be a bit much, and maybe even distracting, but I think they can get a pass just this once since this film is meant to celebrate one hundred years of Disney magic. Asha wearing the Fairy Godmother’s robe? Magnifico getting turned into the Magic Mirror? Peter Pan just randomly showing up for no fucking reason as a cameo? Sure, why not? And this all leads to the ending credits, where every Disney animated canon movie that isn’t a sequel gets represented (except for Meet the Robinsons, The Rescuers, and The Bkack Cauldron). You’ll see constellations of all your favorite characters, like Milo Thatch, Jim Hawkins, Yzma, Tarzan, and Yokai! Remember Yokai? From Big Hero 6? Clearly he was the right character to spotlight for this! I can’t harp too much on this, because every time I watch this I applaud and clap when Chicken Little appears.

THE BAD

So there are a few good songs, I admit. But for every good song, there’s two more that just plain suck or are entirely unfitting. “At All Costs” sounds like a a song about love and romance, so of course it plays… over the scene where Magnifico shows Asha all the wishes. Huh? What sense does that make? But a decent song being out of place is small potatoes compared to how absolutely bad the lyrics are. Even in the songs I like, like “This is the Thanks I Get” and “Knowing What I Know Now” there’s just something off with a lot of the lyrics and the rhyme scheme. But nothing in them is quite as egregious as the song “I’m a Star.”

“I’m a Star” might genuinely be the single worst song in any Disney animated film ever from a lyrical standpoint. The entire song is nothing but word salad; nothing in it makes any sense, and not once does it answer any of the questions it has posed. While some of the other songs have sloppy writing, they still are easily able to communicate core ideas that help progress the story. This song, though? It’s meaningless drivel made to pad the runtime. The absolute worst bit is this verse near the end, though:

Here's a little fun allegory

That gets me excitatory

This might sink in in the morning

We are our own origin story

If I'm explaining this poorly

Well I'll let star do it for me

It's all quite revelatory

We are our own origin story

None of this means anything. Like yeah dude, you are explaining this poorly. What the fuck are you trying to explain here? And while this is the worst verse, the worst lyric is right near the end where they painfully force a rhyme by having someone sing “Here I are” with “I’m a star.” No matter how many times I listen to these songs, this one coming on fills me with dread because of how painfully bad it is to the core.

I think the issue here is the lyrics were written by Julia Michaels, someone who typically works with pop, R&B, and EDM. She’s written for Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, Justin Bieber… but notice she hasn’t written for any musicals. Say what you want about Lin-Manuel Miranda, but he knows how to write fun, poppy songs that would not sound out of pace in a stage musical---a core part of the appeal of the best Disney songs. The songs Michales wrote really don’t fit that vibe, and feel more like repurposed radio friendly pop tunes than something that belongs in a Disney movie. And maybe this wouldn’t be too bad of an idea if this weren’t supposed to be the big centennial celebration film.

But hey, maybe the songs are bad… which isn’t great, because a Disney musical with bad songs is on thin ice, but whatever! Maybe the characters can redeem this? Ehhhhhhhhh… Unfortunately, none of the characters in this film really do anything particularly special. Asha is cute and determined and all, and she’s definitely more compelling and less annoying than Raya, but she lacks a really solid identity. It honestly feels like she does things simply because the plot demands her, and not because it is in-character for her to do so—something that would require her to have a character in the first place. And despite being the best part of the film, Magnifico is a victim of the wonky writing as well. While it’s great he isn’t a twist villain, the writing really just makes the whole idea he’s bad guy seem stupid. I resent the idea his goal is in any way reasonable—he’s certainly an overly paranoid dick with an inflated ego even in the most charitable interpretations of his actions—but the movie still manages to make him somewhat sympathetic via his backstory only to have him grab a sled to slide on down that slippery slope. I don’t know, it just feels like these characters shift gears at the drop of the hat because the plot demands certain actions and roles from them.

Then we have the cutesy kid appeal characters, Valentino the goat and the wishing star. Valentino, played by Alan Tudyk in his millionth Disney role, is not nearly as insufferable as I’d feared he’d be. Unfortunately, he isn’t really good either. It really is sad how Disney keeps pushing him as their answer to Pixar’s John Ratzenberger yet refuse to give him good or fun roles to make an impact like Ratzenberger does. The guy hasn’t been utilized well since Wreck-It Ralph, it’s just getting sad. The wishing star is just a cutesy non-speaking plot device meant to sell marketable plushies, and pulls out new powers from its ass as the plot demands; it’s responsible for the awful “I’m a Star” as well as a cringeworthy chicken musical sequence. These characters really do feel like they exist solely to sell toys to children, because everything else aside they don’t really add to the experience—which is especially bad for the star! This is supposed to be his story!

And, look. Get it. They wanted to stick to something that is incredibly formulaic to pay tribute to all the tropes Disney codified for animated movies. But did they have to make the whole thing so predictable and safe? You can predict exactly what’s going to happen at any given time; there’s no real big twists or turns to be seen with this one. This is strictly formula, a very basic Disney story that couldn’t be more “paint by numbers” if it tried. You’d think they’d try to be a little more bold and daring after a hundred years, but… nah.

IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

I think calling this movie “bad” is a bit harsh. It’s not exactly good, it’s messy and stupid and all that, but after seeing it so many times I really don’t think it’s as egregious or repugnant as something like, say, Pocahontas. But taking everything into consideration, the movie is extremely disappointing as a centennial celebration, and isn’t that worse in a way?

This was meant to be the film that pays tribute to a hundred years of animation, a love letter to a studio that has made some of the greatest artistic achievements in cartoon history, and it ended up like this? I think it’s pretty safe to say a better tribute would have been to return to hand drawn animation and make something like their classic output instead of a cliché storm of tired plot beats and nonsensical songs. The film feels really bland, safe, and corporate, like they were more concerned with selling merch and coasting off of the novelty of being the big animated release during the hundredth anniversary. And look how that turned out! My daughter spent a month earning enough cash to buy a King Magnifico doll, and it didn’t sell out in that entire time—and this was recently, too! Wish has long since left theaters, and the toys are getting their prices slashed because no one is buying them! Even kids, for the most part, don’t care about this one.

It’s just a bummer. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect more out if the richest company on Earth, is it? It really is a harmless, boring film, but it just feels so much worse than it actually is because we all know Disney can put more effort into their work and produce films that far outstrip this in quality and yet this is what they chose to represent them for a historic milestone. It really is rated fairly up there, it’s about what it deserves, but I hardly blame anyone who rates it even lower. It’s definitely not the worst Disney movie, but it sure is the most disappointing.

I’m glad my daughter likes it though, and honestly she’s probably why I’m not quite as harsh on the film as I was at first. Her enthusiasm for it is honestly infectious, even if at the end of the day I still think it’s kind of a lame movie. There’s definitely worse things to show your kids than Wish; if nothing else, it can make a decent gateway into other Disney movies. But that’s as charitable as I’m willing to get for Wish.

[sujiroses]

my toxic trait is having over 500 hours logged onto stardew valley

[chosesun]

i'm gonna do something i told myself i wouldn't- i'm gonna skip the entirety of the book of boba fett just to watch the single episode where Luke appears. i know i should watch the whole thing but . . . i want to see Luke right neow. i'm impatient. i'll probably go back and watch the rest of the series after but right now, i just want to see my boy. sue me.

[yourlocaldilemma]

Anyway

[npdlangley]

im so miserable over something that maybe wasn't even that bad

[theghostofashton]

sometimes i think about how being asian is often just being forced to be invisible. never having our achievements celebrated because they were expected from the beginning. people not wanting to hear about our issues because we’re all doctors/lawyers/engineers anyway so clearly they can’t be that bad. we’re just expected to be emotionless robots, not to express anything human. we’re not seen as human. there’s so much suppression that is constantly reinforced and. idk. it’s exhausting. 

[scionsthings]

Rewatching Arcane

[lgbtlunaverse]

The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[frankierotwinkdeath]

Y’all want Taylor Swift to be gay so bad but you won’t even write femslash about her

[spookygibberish]

OK SO I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET IN THE RAIN AT 2AM AND I SAW AN ANIMAL RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD AND SO I GRABBED IT AND

IT WAS THIS

[hansoeii]

It was affection.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really That Bad?

Women leading superhero films has a long and troubled history even before losers online decided to make it their life’s mission to bully Academy Award-winning actress Brie Larson for the crime of being in a mediocre MCU movie. 2004’s Catwoman is the film that is usually pointed to as the movie that poisoned the well in regards to superheroine blockbusters, but it takes two to tango; the following year’s Elektra is just as much to blame for the negative perception of these sorts of films.

And how could it not be? It was rushed into production, Jennifer Garner really didn’t want to do it but was contractually obligated, it was supposed to be rated R until more contractual obligations nipped that idea in the bud, and on top of everything else it was a sequel/spin-off to a movie that was already extremely unpopular (Daredevil vindication was a long way’s off at that point). With all that in mind, is it any wonder that it’s one of the lowest grossing films to ever be based off of a Marvel comic? The only films that did worse were Punisher: War Zone, Man-Thing, and The New Mutants. Even the Howard the Duck movie did better than this shit!

The career of director Rob Bowman as tanked because of this film, with his credits being relegated to TV. Garner, meanwhile, fared just as poorly, with her career cooling off and leading roles not being a thing for her after that point. But worst of all is the career of the poor boat house in this movie, as it ended up appearing in Fifty Shades of Grey. And obviously this film dragged down the idea of a woman headlining a superhero flick for about a decade until Genocide Barbie Gal Gadot stepped into Wonder Woman’s boots. And while Catwoman would receive better adaptations on the big screen, Elektra would get no such chance…

...Until it was revealed that Garner was reprising her role in, of all things, Deadpool & Wolverine.

While the film isn’t out as of the time of this review, the announcement of her presence in it really got me intrigued about the last time she donned the red ninja outfit. I’m a huge apologist for early to mid-2000s superhero garbage, so it only made sense to check it out in preparation for the massive Marvel crossover Deadpool was about to deliver. And you know what question I always ask when going in to an infamous film like this: Is it really that bad?

THE GOOD

This film is just hilariously corny when it wants to be. I think when it does stupid stuff other superhero films of the time did, it tends to do them at least a little better. For instance, like Ghost Rider it has a quirky miniboss squad full of boring flat characters who exist for Elektra to kill. But while the ones in Ghost Rider are completely forgettable and bland, this film at least has some striking visuals with Tattoo and hot forceful lesbian murder smooching with Typhoid Mary, something I’m sure awoke things in the five people who watched this.

Garner herself is really, really trying, and to her credit most of the action scenes she’s in are pretty ok when they aren’t being edited to death. As I watched the unrated version, the brief glimpses of insight into her backstory are nice, and I do love that bright red costume on her. If nothing else, she does sell how cool Elektra is supposed to be with how she carries herself, even if the writing isn’t doing her many favors.

The final act is where things really get fun, because we have a big stupid battle against magical tattoos, teleporting ninjas, and genuinely the funniest possible way to kill a villain ever. I legitimately burst out laughing when I saw this:

THE BAD

Unfortunately, no matter how funny Typhoid Mary taking a knife to the forehead after saying her only two lines in the movie, two lines that actually give her more character than every other villain in the film, it can’t really completely save the film from its two massive, crippling issues.

Literally everyone in this movie is a fucking moron. The biggest moron is easily Elektra’s buddy, who sacrifices himself so Elektra can escape from the bad guys… but his sacrifice is pointless because they pull the info from his mind with psyhcic powers. He would’ve been better off running away with them! But it’s not like the villains are much smarter; one of them chops down a tree, and then almost immediately forgets this and walks into its path before getting crushed to death. It is genuinely absurd how dumb these characters manage to get. The dumbest of them all, however, has to be Stick. I genuinely have no idea what the fuck this man is trying to accomplish at any point, because he is recklessly gambling with people’s lives here.

But hey, dumb decisions are fine in a trashy 2000s superhero movie as long as they lead to some enjoyably dumb scenarios, right? Well, about that… Barring a couple of ridiculously goofy action scenes, this film is pretty bereft of memorable corniness. Remember how I said the minibosses in Ghost Rider were not as good as the ones here? Sure, maybe it’s true, but no amount of murderous lesbian smooching makes this movie more memorable than Ghost Rider, which features over a dozen insane Nicolas Cage moments. But maybe that’s cheating, it’s not fair to compare a Jennifer Garner vehicle to a Nicolas Cage one… so how about Catwoman? As absolutely shoddy as that movie is, there are a bunch of cringey, campy scenes that have helped earn the movie at least a handful of ironic fans. There’s just nothing like that in Elektra. It’s trashy and stupid in safe, unimpressive ways for the most part, and it doesn’t do anything at all to really stand out from the crowd.

IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

Yeah, I guess it’s bad, but the level of bad that it is is greatly exaggerated.

The movie I’d most compare this to is, of all things, Morbius. I love Morbius more than most people, and even I’m willing to admit it’s multiple bright spots of trashy charm are interspersed with the dullest shit imaginable, and Elektra has a similar issue. It’s just so goddamn unmemorable and dull for the most part, with only the final act being packed full of silly nonsense to latch onto. But even that comparison isn’t great, because Milo was sprinkled throughout Morbius and was genuinely hilarious the whole way through, while Elektra just plods along until it remembers to actually be a little cool for the finale.

I guess really the film is less “bad” and more “not good.” Like if you throw this on in the background as noise while you do something else, it’s not the worst you could do, though even then something like Black Adam would probably be better. If you want to watch a trashy 2000s superhero film, I guess it’s not unwatachably unpleasant, but why wouldn’t you watch Catwoman or Ghost Rider instead? It just is in such an unenviable position where it’s the bottom of the bottom of the barrel, the least engaging super-schlock ever made, a movie not good enough to be vindicated but not bad enough to deserve the hate it gets. Elektra is just a film that exists. That’s all there is to it and aside from the single funny death, I have no strong feelings about this movie. I think a solid 4 is where this belongs. Not good enough to be average, not bad enough to be awful, it’s just there.

All this being said, I’m honestly very excited to see Garner become a teleporting ninja assassin again. Every comic character who was in a crappy adaptation deserves a second shot, be it as a new character (Michael B. Jordan as Killmonger) or as a reprisal that improves on the untapped potential that was there (Jamie Foxx’s Electro in No Way Home). I’m rooting for Garner to get her due, and for Electra to get the respect she truly deserves… But I just don’t really think this movie’s going to be getting a reappraisal no matter how good she ends up doing.

[aropride]

[mintaii]

had to draw him

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

[formlessvoidbeast]

newbie fic authors, shooting themselves in the foot: This fic is bad haha I suck at writing lol I am being mean to myself in the hopes that you will be nice to me but actually am dissuading anyone from even clicking on my fic because all I have done to advertise it is tell you why you shouldn't read it

me: I am King Big Dick of Fanfic Mountain and I have arrived in your fandom with the Express Intention of writing my Very Favorite Fics, which I will generously allow you to read. You're welcome.