#is it really that bad

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really That Bad?

The Island of Doctor Moreau by H. G. Wells is a story I’ve loved ever since I was a teenager. Let me put it this way: When I was reading the second volume of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and he showed up to help put an end to the Martian invasion, I almost cheered because I was so happy to see him. It’s just a really good and unsettling story about a man playing God and the evils of British imperialism while also serving as the prototype of bio punk fiction and genetic engineering sci-fi horror despite releasing six decades before anyone even knew what DNA was.

Of course a story like that is going to be adapted many, many times, and before the one we’re talking about here there were six other film adaptations (one of which is a lost film). But none of those have even half of the infamy as the 1996 film, a movie that has one of the single most insane productions ever seen, one that inspired an entire documentary. If you thought the production woes of The Flash were something, well, you’re in for a ride here.

As production was about to begin, director Richard Stanley discovered New Line had zero faith in him directing a big-budget blockbuster and was replacing him with, of all people, Roman Polanski. Stanley, undeterred, did what any person in his situation would do: Consulted a British warlock to perform a blood magic ritual so that he could keep his job and make Marlon Brando vouch for him (and Brando already liked his vision, so this was really overkill here). The dark magic worked, and Stanley got his job back… but as history would show, the warlock seemed to have been using a monkey’s paw for this one.

Stanley stayed on a boat of exotic animals to ensure their safety when they got cauht in a hurricane, and ended up getting pissed on; the warlock was apparently irradiated and when in the hospital was discovered to be afflicted with flesh-eating bacteria; Stanley’s mother’s house was struck by lightning; a venomous spider bit an assistant; Bruce Willis dropped out because his divorce from Demi Moore prevented him from travelling, leading to Val Kilmer stepping in and acting like a prima donna douchebag and butting heads with Stanley and Brando to the point where all of his scenes from the first few days had to be thrown out and leading to him being recast in a smaller role; Rob Morrow replaced him, but the sheer hostility led to him leaving and being replaced by David Thewlis; and on top of it all, Brando didn’t even show up for the first few days due to being in an understandly deep depression due to his daughter Cheyenne’s suicide, which left Stanley high and dry and caught between pressure from Kilmer and New Line Cinema.

On the third day of filming, Stanley was fired. He destroyed all his notes and storyboards and fled to a jungle farm where he’d stay for two months; meanwhile, his sacking pissed off Fairuza Balk and she tried to walk, but she was convinced to stay on since leaving would mean she’d have her career ruined (because staying in a film like this is surely a good career move). Eventually, Stanley did make it back on set, being smuggled in by loyalists and put in a costume to hide his presence. Scenes with him as an extra are still in the film.

But who replaced Stanley, you may be wondering? Why, John Frankenheimer of course! The guy who made The Manchurian Candidate could pull something great off, surely! Taking advantage of New Line’s desperation to ask for a massive paycheck, he set out to work putting that arrogant prick Kilmer in his place; by all accounts, he hated the one-time Batman’s guts. Unfortunately, he was also apparently fairly harsh to the rest of the cast and crew, which on top of the script getting rewritten daily didn’t make things better. There is, of course, one notable exception to Frankenheimer’s ire: Marlon Brando. Whether it was out of respect or fear, Frankenheimer let the star walk all over him, caving in to almost every ludicrous demand the guy made, most infamously giving more screen time to Nelson de la Rosa AKA “The world’s smallest man,” whom Brando had befriended.

All the delays made things pretty frustrating for the extras playing the beast men, so they did what any reasonable person would do in such a situation: They drank, did drugs, fucked, and descended into all-around debauchery. Frankenheimer decided to replace these hedonistic party animals with random hippies, a group well known for not indulging in drugs or sex. The grueling six months spent shooting it were some of the most miserable of those involved’s lives, to the point Thewlis skipped the premier and has never bothered to see the film and Kilmer and Brando both had very few nice things to say about it. But I mean, there’s a happy ending here, right?

Look, I know you can read if you’re this far in. You saw the title of the review. This thing fucking bombed, and hard. Stanley’s career was obliterated, doing only documentaries for 25 years until he returned with an adaptation of Lovecraft’s Color Out of Space… a comeback which lasted for just that one single movie since he was accused of domestic violence (what else can you expect from a South African). Brando’s career wasn’t doing well at the time to begin with, but between this flopping and him being an egotistical bastard, he was relegated to supporting roles for the rest of his life. Kilmer, after somehow becoming an A-lister based on his wooden performance in Batman Forever, got dealt quite a blow due to the same reasons as Brando; being an unpleasant prick is bad enough when you’re talented, but when you suck like Kilmer does, it’s really bad. And of course Fairuza Balk’s leading lady days were all but over thanks to this film, ironically enough considering she was told getting out would’ve ruined her. Only Thewlis really got away here, at least out of the main cast; Ron Perlman and Temuera Morrison are minor characters here but they’re more supporting actors to begin with, so their careers have stayed about as good as ever in spite of this.

All of this is only the cliff notes version. By all accounts, the production was an insane nightmare that left nothing but misery and suffering in its wake. But, like, come on. Who judges the quality of a film by its production? Is this movie so inexorably cursed that there is nothing of value to praise even with the rocky production woes that birthed it? Is the movie really as bad as the behind-the-scenes drama implies, or is this a hidden gem unfairly overlooked by critics?

THE GOOD

Given the circumstances, it’s genuinely amazing we got the performances we did out of most of the actors. Thewlis in particular is approaching his role with the utmost seriousness, all the more impressive with how ashamed he was of the finished product that he actively avoided it. Him and Balk, acting out a clunky romance that the script doesn’t go far enough to sell, manage to make some gold out of the lesser material they’re given and salvage their scenes by performing as if they’re in something five times better than what was made.

And then there’s the supporting roles. Temuera Morrison is a lot of fun as a gnarly dog man, and while he’s not the most subtsantial of characters it is nice seeing him. But the best supporting role is Ron Perlman, who beneath the fantastic beast man makeup is giving the sort of performance you’d want in a literary adaptation like this.

And then, of course, we have Brando. Now he’s clearly half-assing it a lot of the time, but half of Brando’s ass is still fifty percent of the butt of one of the greatest actors of all time. He manages to lend a sort of weird, detached madness to the titular Moreau that mostly works, with his bizarre antics and character quirks easily chalked up to the not-so-good doctor’s descent into madness. Plus he plays piano while his dwarf buddy plays a smaller piano on top, which is such a bizarre image that it ends up being ridiculously charming.

And then you have Stan Winston’s beast man make-up. Did you think the guy who did effects and make-up for The Terminator, The Wiz, The Thing, Aliens, Predator, Pumpkinhead, Jurassic Park, Edward Scissorhands, and Batman Returns was going to fuck around here? If nothing else nice can be said about this movie, it’s that Baker knocked it out of the park convincingly crafting the horrifying hybrids for the silver screen.

THE BAD

So, uh… That troubled production really colors one’s perception of this film. Every scene, especially ones that contain Brando and Kilmer, have this looming knowledge that they made sure everyone involved suffered to the max with their antics. It’s even worse when Brando’s little friend is around, because he was apparently a dick too! It’s hard watching him interact with Thewlis knowing he punched the poor guy in the balls.

And normally behind-the-scenes drama is just that, stuff in the background that doesn’t seep into the film. But this movie is basically only known for its drama; I only discovered it because of said drama, not because of its nature as an adaptation of a story I love. I heard of Brando’s dickery before anything else, and then the nightmares just kept pouring in from there. And all the production woes truly seep in to every single scene even if unintentionally. I can’t not think about it while watching it, especially because the sloppy script isn’t doing much to distract from the nagging reminders that everyone on this movie went through Hell only to deliver first draft lines.

Oh, and all else aside, fuck Val Kilmer. I fucking hate that asshole, he sucks.

IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

This movie is not bad. But at the same time, I hesitate to call it “good” either.

It genuinely is hard to watch this knowing everything that happened during creating it and not feeling some sort of palpable darkness looming over the film. But at the same time, while this does leave a sort of uneasiness, it also makes the film endlessly fascinating in ways the filmmakers definitely did not intend. I don’t really think it’s “so bad it’s good,” because there really is a lot that genuinely works here. But on the other hand, I don’t know if I could say it’s a film that’s “not good but it’s good” because even the things about the film that do work aren’t free from the stench of the bad. Like, the good performances are technically good, but there’s still something off about them. Brando is Brando, but you can’t watch him without thinking about what a nightmare he was. It’s such a baffling movie.

What I will say is this is an interesting movie. In fact, it might be one of the most fascinating films ever made. The weird, off-putting air the trouble production lends it manages to make it so much more interesting than it would be otherwise, adding a metatextual intrigue to the proceedings. Would the weird shriveled dwarf be as interesting without the background that Brando forced him into having a big role? Would Thewlis and Balk’s half-baked romance arc be nearly as watchable if we didn’t know the horror they had to go through to get it on the screen? Would the great performances of actors like Perlman, Thewlis, and Balk actually be as great if this movie was good, or are they good because they are valiantly scooping buckets of water out of a rapidly sinking ship?

I think there are way worse things you could be watching than this. I will say you should only check this out if you’re into the subject matter or just like watching fascinating cinematic misfires, because this is not a film I’d be keen on recommending otherwise. It is a strange, messy movie but it’s also a piece of film history. If nothing else, it gave Trey Parker and Matt Stone something to make fun of in the early days of South Park. That’s gotta be worth something.

[sujiroses]

my toxic trait is having over 500 hours logged onto stardew valley

[chosesun]

i'm gonna do something i told myself i wouldn't- i'm gonna skip the entirety of the book of boba fett just to watch the single episode where Luke appears. i know i should watch the whole thing but . . . i want to see Luke right neow. i'm impatient. i'll probably go back and watch the rest of the series after but right now, i just want to see my boy. sue me.

[yourlocaldilemma]

Anyway

[npdlangley]

im so miserable over something that maybe wasn't even that bad

[yeagrave]

my contribution to this trend🙇

[scionsthings]

Rewatching Arcane

[hansoeii]

It was affection.

[mintaii]

had to draw him

[lgbtlunaverse]

The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[spookygibberish]

OK SO I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET IN THE RAIN AT 2AM AND I SAW AN ANIMAL RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD AND SO I GRABBED IT AND

IT WAS THIS

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really That Bad?

PREVIOUSLY ON IS IT REALLY THAT BAD...

That right there truly is the long and short of it. Producers held her verbally agreeing to be in this over her head, and so she begrudgingly worked on this movie. She was hostile on set, hated the director, had a stipulation one of the producers wasn’t allowed to speak with her or come to set when she was there… And it’s hard to really blame her when this movie ended up blasting her from Oscar-winning actress to a washed up talk show host. She wasn’t the only one who got obliterated like a stegosaurus chilling at the point of impact for the asteroid; director Johnathan Betuel never directed again (he did go on to found the visual effects studio Luma Pictures, most notable for their work on the Underworld films, so not a bad rebound for the guy) and the aforementioned producer, Richard Abramson, never produced again.

And really, these people should’ve seen this coming. They took an idea that had been trapped in development hell for years and turned it from a gritty sci-fi black comedy into a goofy buddy cop movie for kids! Is it any wonder it tested so badly they canceled a planned theatrical release and sent this one straight to video? Every single thing about this film screams “colossal misfire,” something that proved to be true when this bombed hard. But maybe audiences were simply too harsh on this film; perhaps there’s something of value that audiences back in the day couldn’t see. I mean, it’s a movie about dinosaur cops in the future! Can it really be that bad?

Oh yes it fucking can. But let’s take a look at it anyway.

THE GOOD

If nothing else can be said about this movie, it must at least be given some credit for how utterly weird and ambitious it is. This is a family-friendly take on Blade Runner, but instead of replicants dinosaurs are brought back to life and anthropomorphized for… reasons. The guy who did it literally says he did it just because, and you know what? That’s kinda based. I love this goofy-ass Sauron worldbuilding.

Uh… Yeah, that’s really it.

THE BAD

Hey you know how I said that the film was very ambitious? Ambition only goes so far if you don’t have the talent to utilize said ambition. And let me tell you, they had zero talent utilizing all the wild ideas in this story. This movie is about psychic dinosaur cops in the future solving murder cases… and this is used to make a generic buddy cop movie! There are so many ways they could go with this and they go the safest, most boring route possible so they can cram in a bunch of goofy kiddie jokes.

That’s another thing: This movie has insane tonal whiplash. You have Theo engaging in cartoonish antics where he bonks people with his tail and gushes about his love of cookies, and then you’ll have intense sci-fi B-movie violence right after. This movie really tries so hard to have its cake and eat it too, but instead it kinda just shits all over the cake and tosses it around.

Our leads aren’t exactly great either. Whoopi Goldberg understandably does not ever feel like she wants to be here, and the result is her character feels underbaked and flat. I can’t exactly blame her for not giving a shit; she did want out after all. George Newbern as Theo is serviceable enough, but it is such an awkward waste of his talents. This is the guy who played the greatest hero in all of fiction and the most evil villain too, and here he’s relegated to corny baby antics and cookie obsessions. Granted, this was before he became a bigger name in voice acting, but in hindsight it seems like a critical waste of his talents.

Oh, and the animatronic effects are complete ass. The dinosaurs barely work half the time, with some of them straight up not moving. Theodore’s eyes stop working at several points, and you can tell his pet dog is actually genuinely fucking terrified of him whenever they’re in a scene together. ILM did the effects and they somehow look worse than what they did for Howard the Duck—which is insane since this film came out the year after they convinced the world dinosaurs were real with Jurassic Park! Several staff members apparently worked on Dinosaurs too, a beloved series with great stylized dinosaur animatronics! What the fuck happened here to give us these malfunctioning uncanny monsters?

And why the fuck is Shaft in this?

IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

Oh it absolutely is that bad.

Like let’s not beat around the bush here: This movie is a tonal mess with janky effects and a nonsense plot that squanders numerous fascinating concepts. There’s not really any sense being too charitable here. But this is absolutely what makes this movie so entertaining! It’s such a colossal, batshit misfire that it ends up being one of the most insanely fascinating films ever made. From the bizarre story of how it was made to the absolute clusterfuck of a plot that was put to screen, you can’t ever say this movie is boring.

Of course, one must lament that the original idea from the 80s was scrapped and forced into becoming a family-friendly action comedy at the behest of the studios. There are so many great ideas here, so many interesting concepts and worldbuilding, and none of it ever gets to soar like it should because the movie is the inept bastardization of interesting concepts by out-of-touch suits. It makes the film interesting as a freakish curiosity, but this genuinely could have been something on the “good” side of “so bad it’s good” (or maybe even straight up good!). As it is, this is one of the best of the worst, peak shitty movie to inflict on your friends on movie night.

Of course, this film has the easiest path of redemption in the world: Someone just needs to dub Theodore's lines over Advent Children or Superman vs. the Elite or even Injustice and it will all have been worth it.

[lapdogchase]

[pangur-and-grim]

one thing that took me embarrassingly long to learn is "sometimes when people say things, they will not be true."

I used to tell people about this revelation and they'd be like yeah.....duh.....but like, why wouldn't my base assumption be that you're communicating to me in a straightforward manner. anyway, I get scammed a lot.

[cottagedreamy]

God told me to draw this