#is it normal that seeing a fictional character getting hate makes me feel bad about myself?

[love-geeky-fangirl]

I am the only one who hates the unnecessary Rory hate because in a way I take it as a personal attack? Like there is a girl that is smart and tries hard but makes some mistakes and there are all these people willing to crucify her for it and calling her names. I just feel like if I was a fictional character everyone would hate me for making any small mistake ever. Like: "omg she is a writer but she doesn't write" and I just feel like a failure because I also sometimes have periods when I don't write (I think every writer has). Let's just stop holding people (even fictional ones) to impossible standards.

[borathae]

The Consequences of Fucking Up

“Your break up was messy and painful. All you want to do is to forget about him. His friends, who ever since you ended it with Yoongi see you as their bullying target, make sure that the memory of him stays fresh in your mind however, haunting you day by fucking day. While Yoongi makes it seem as if he gives no fuck about your situation. Until one night he is in front of your door. Drunk and fucking regretful.”

♥️ Requested by anonie ♥️

Pairing: Gangster!Yoongi x f.Reader

Genre: Exes!AU, Messy Break-Up!AU, Crime!AU, Cop!AU, Hurt and Comfort, Angst, Smut, a lil bit of Fluff

Wordcount: 15.9k

Warnings: lowkey they're bad for each other, but also somehow so right?, OC is such a people hater, I feel like she has mental health issues which are never addressed tbfh, she is quite the pessimist, unhealthy consumption of alcohol, smoking of cigarettes & weed (listen. i hate smoking and stand by that but it sadly fits their characters), Yoongi is kinda apathetic and cold, or is he??, IS HE???, implied violence and murder, corrupt cops & lawyers, policeman!Jungkook makes an appearance and he stole my heart tbfh :(, he is so cute that i almost sobbed, drugdealer!Hoseok makes an appearance too, there is also detective!Namjoon and smuggler!Taehyung because I love this vibe :); abuse of power, fuck Yoongi just fuck he is so ngngn, slightly protective & possessive!Yoongi, intoxicated sex, desperate!Yoongi, no foreplay, but she is not uncomfortable, choking (m.receiving), rough desperate sex, position change from sex against a sofa to missionary on said sofa, a lil bit of strength kink hihi, he cums too soon, dirty talk, tears :'), he is actually so emotional during the sex, the ending is so cheesy and cute <3, Spoiler: he is willing to change!! and he is a cutie actually, jsjsjsj sorry but i love yoongi a lot :(

Disclaimer: This is purely fiction and isn't like my usual stories. It does not portray how the boys actually are and it is not how I see them. This is a work of fiction with no correlation to real life. The type of relationships depicted in this story are far from how I normally portray my relationships and I do not advertise for such relationhips or staying in such relationships. This story is supposed to be twisted and dark & so are the relationships in it, as well as the characters. You have been warned. If you decide to continue reading, then it is out of your own free will.

a/n: now that the disclaimer is out of the way i can officially bark because woof woof fuckkcc anonie thank you so much for this idea. i had the worst and best time writing this story like nfnfnf her mental state was definitely very difficult to write, but their tension just got to me. i made the ending as cute and fluffy as possible just as you wanted hihi <3 also i love villian characters who would set the whole world on fire just to prove their dedication :) i hope this is what you imagined, because i kinda made it longer and with more plot than i planned to at first sjjsjs i couldn't be stopped jsjsj ALSO this is giving me the perfect opportunity to finally write a Kook request I got years ago ohoho

Yoongi collides with the wall, feeling the cold nuzzle of the gun press against his chin. He drops the keys and flowers he was carrying, lifting his hands in defeat.

“Careful, it’s just me”, he lulls.

“Get the fuck out of my house”, you spit, carrying murder in your eyes. 

Three months prior

“So you’re breaking up with me?” he asks, gawking at you with widened eyes. He looks more surprised than he does hurt. Probably because it hasn’t actually sunk in yet.

“I am.”

“No, you’re not.” He laughs because he never takes anything seriously.

“Yes. I am.”

“Too bad, I won’t act like it.”

“Yeah, you will.”

He laughs, “you’ve had better jokes, but I still admire the commitment.”

“You see. That’s the problem with you. Everything’s a fucking joke to you.”

He is smiling. It reaches his eyes.

“Your job, your men. Me. Everything’s a fucking joke to you. If you would have taken Sukuna’s thread seriously, Soojin would still be alive. If you didn’t fucking insult Miss Mei, you wouldn’t have lost twenty thousand in drugs and you wouldn’t have to fucking kiss asses like a beggar.”

His smile doesn’t reach his eyes anymore.

“If you would have put any kind of effort into me, I wouldn’t be leaving now. You take everything as a joke, while in reality you are the biggest joke here.”

His smile falls. You stood up and that actually scared him. 

“Wait baby, wait. Princess, we can talk about this”, he argues, closing the distance with his arms stretched open. “I’ll fix the issue with Miss Mei, I promise.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m done talking. Soojin died because of your recklessness.” 

Yoongi touches your hands. He holds them, clutches them. You have never felt such a touch from him before. As if he actually loved you. 

“What can I do? Tell me and I’ll do it”, he offers, caressing your knuckles. 

This is what you craved for months. Affection. Attention. You were always a passing thought to him. Something to fuck and possess. Something low maintenance like all his other shit. His current touch almost makes you want to stay because for the briefest moment, your breaking heart wants to believe that he finally changed. 

But you know better. He doesn’t take you seriously and if you stay, you will one day end up like Soojin. Metaphorically or not, you will end up dead because of him. 

“There is nothing you can do. Sorry.”

You slip out of his touch.

“Baby”, Yoongi follows you with panicked eyes, trying to touch you again.

“Goodbye, Min Yoongi.”

“Please don’t leave me.”

You close the door and run, finally letting the tears escape. 

You love him.

You always have and perhaps always will. 

You don’t want to leave, but know that staying will kill you. 

One week passes. You spent it holed up in your small, shitty apartment, crying your heart out. Yoongi was the best and worst thing that ever happened to you and you miss him. You hate that you miss him. Because he was way worse than he was good. 

He was never abusive. He was a violent man to anyone but you. You, he always touched with utmost care. At you, he never screamed. But he was still not good. He was cold and apathetic at times, then terribly affectionate at others, only to become cold again. And you couldn’t take it anymore. 

You wouldn’t have left your apartment today if your fridge hadn’t been empty. It wasn’t always empty, but sadly enough, groceries don’t magically appear. Not even for an outlaw such as yourself.

The city is busy. The smell of street food, smog and body odor poisons the air. The weather is hot these days and people started sweating more. You can’t stand people. You pull the mask tighter around your nose, hoping to shield the stench this way. 

You greet the clerk when you enter the shop, lowering your mask. It smells of grocery store in here. Fresh bread, produce and clean floors. It’s a welcome change to the rancid outside.

You spent fourty minutes in the shop and pay with cash. You never pay with card because it can be traced. Someone like you can’t risk being found. 

“See you”, you say your goodbyes and leave the store. You plan on coming back in three weeks. You can’t stand being outside often.

The door just about closed behind you and then someone jumps you. Three people to be more exact. Two hold your arms while one rips the bags out of your hands. 

“Let go! Hey, you fuckers!” you fight them off instantly, surprised at how easily it is to do. Way too easy. They let go of you as quickly as they grabbed you. At first you think that nothing happened, until you notice your grocery bags in one of the guys’ hands. They stole your stuff!

“You motherfuckers! Get back here! They’re mine!” 

They run away, flipping you off over their shoulders.

You sprint after them, but before you reach them, they jump onto a tuk tuk and drive off, finally showing you their faces. Those were some of Yoongi’s underlings.

“What the fuck?” You stumble back in disbelief. “Did they fucking steal my food? What the fuck’s happening?” 

It takes you a while before you finally come to the conclusion that you have to buy everything they stole a second time. And you do. And nobody jumps you. And you go home, make yourself shitty dinner and drink a bottle of soju all by yourself. It isn’t a good night. It’s a shit night. But then. All your nights have been shit for years.

You met Yoongi four years ago. It correlates with when your shit nights began. Okay, you are being unfair. The first two years with him were paradise and your nights were wonderful. You were an aspiring lawyer, while he was in the midst of getting a promotion to superintendent.  You supported each other’s dreams, motivated each other and celebrated when your goals were achieved. Then the truth spilled out. The man you knew to love turned out to be a lie. Why you never left, you do not know. He gave you the chance to leave, but you didn’t. You made yourself low maintenance to him and your nights became shit. He pretended to be a proper policeman by day while you pretended to be a proper lawyer and at night he became what he hunted by day while you tried to hide whatever evidence about him flooded into the offices. You hated it at first, then loved it, then lost your job because of it and became dependent on him and started to hate it again. Well, at least working for him. You liked everything else. Having to work in the system and seeing how corrupt even the most eligible politicians or CEOs truly are, made you realise that perhaps stealing from them isn’t as bad as it first sounded. You liked being on the dark side of the law because the bright side was just as twisted. You just simply started to hate that it means being close to Yoongi.

It took Soojin’s death to finally make you realise that staying with him will end in your death as well. And so you finally left.

You will start a new life, make up a new identity, move to a different country and forget about him. Maybe. Who knows. You haven’t decided yet.

A letter comes five days after the grocery store incident. It is stuffed into an unsealed envelope and clearly delivered by the person who wrote it. You open it, feeling shit instantly. Whoever wrote this letter is calling you the most hurtful of names, telling you personal stuff which truly hurts. You throw it away and go back inside, opening a bottle of soju. It wasn’t Yoongi’s handwriting, but somehow you still think that it is connected to him. You try not to let it get to you, but you still end up rotting away in your bed for the rest of the week only leaving it to piss, shit and eat. 

The next week your packages are missing. You never get them back. The culprit is never found. You curse the sky, knowing that it was fruitless. Yet again, you think that it was connected to him. To Yoongi, the man you wanted to forget, but who keeps haunting you day by day.

The city at night is a dangerous place. If you don’t know where to walk, you could find yourself in a rather messy situation. Especially as a woman. You are glad that most women are clever enough to stay at home once darkness greets the streets. Most women don’t know how to defend themselves though. Properly and without the law in mind. You killed before. Once. It was self defence. Yoongi took care of the body, you never found out what happened to it. He stayed with you the night it happened, even let you cry in his arms. He was gone the next day and never spoke of it again.

You clutch the big knife tightly in your bag, scanning the streets constantly. It isn’t far anymore until you are home. Hopefully the heavy rain clouds stay dry until you get there. You aren’t in the mood to get wet. Not tonight. You would have never left if you hadn’t ran out of fucking cigarettes. The kiosk was closed, so the journey was useless. Thunder announces that the clouds aren’t your friends. Mere seconds later, it starts pouring.

“Fucking shit, I hate this city.”

Rain in this city is always dirty and never really cold. You take it as a bad sign. Rain shouldn’t be warm. Not always, not constantly. Something’s wrong with this city. Something is rotting slowly until one day it will consume everything in its wake. You hope to have left before it can wake up.

The way home is too long for the amount of dirty rain it pours. You find refuge under a shop sign. There are no rooftops or canopies in sight and the only thing close to a safe place was the stupid restaurant sign. Authentic Asian Beef Noodles, it reads in bright red letters. The place is stuffed with people and the smell of beef broth mixes with the dirty scent of rain. You grind your teeth. What a shitty situation you find yourself in. You prefer being outside though. You know that once inside, the restaurant would be hot and stink of digested booze and body odor. You take getting wet over breathing in people’s air.

Except that you don’t really stay wet for long. The distinct sound of rain hitting an umbrella meets your ears. You look up. Black. You look to the side at the person holding it. Yoongi. Your stomach twists, your heart skips a beat. He is wearing a suit tonight. Black with a black tie. His hair is slicked back. He used makeup to  conceal the scar running all the way from his forehead over his eye and down half his cheek. This is his work outfit. His police chief outfit. Yes. He is a chief these days.

Your instincts tell you to leave without saying anything, but it’s been six weeks since the breakup and you still love him. You hate that you do, but can’t stop staring at his face. He has his brows raised in a nonchalant way as he inspects the heavy rain. He doesn’t grant you eye contact, but holds the umbrella in a way which lets you know that he came out here after seeing you. His left shoulder is getting wet, while you stay dry completely.

“What are you doing here?” you hear yourself ask him.

“Work dinner. I have to pay ‘cause I’m the boss and all that shit. They’re eating like greedy pigs”, he scoffs, “fucking assholes.”

“I see.”

“You?” 

“Buying smokes.”

He finally looks at you, studying from head to toe.

“The kiosk was closed”, you answer his question about your cigarettes’ whereabouts before he can ask it.

“I thought you quit.”

“Some things happened which made me start again.”

“Mhm”, he hums and takes out a packet of cigarettes from the inside of his suit jacket. He lights himself one and puts the packet away again, leaving you to stare at the smoke he blows out through his nose.

He isn’t actually serious, is he? It is like he is mocking you. It is already bad enough that he sends his stupid goons to terrorise you, now he is mocking you as well? You hate that you still love him.

You stay like this for a while. You staring at him while he holds the umbrella for you and smokes. You don’t know why you stay. You hate that you love him. You hate it so much.

Yoongi takes a long drag of the cigarette and exhales the smoke in an almost sigh-like breath. He lifts the cigarette, holding it closer to you.

“What?” you sound disbelieved, scandalised even.

He doesn’t say anything. He just shows you the cigarette as his eyes follow the endless rain. You hate that you love him. You hate it so much. But you still take the cigarette and put your lips right where he had his’ moments before. But you still smoke it as if it was the most normal thing to do. Because it once was. You and he shared many smokes in the past. It was once the most sensual, erotic thing to do between you and him. Barely clothed, intoxicated minds and high on the other, you often shared a joint as you got each other off. Fuck, it was always so fucking orgasmic to be with him that way.

“Wanna grab a bite?” he offers, pointing at the restaurant behind him, “one more mouth to feed isn’t gonna ruin me.”

You are hungry. You haven’t had a proper meal in weeks. Instant ramen, frozen food and snacks is all your body has to run on. You have no energy to cook and with how shitty you eat, it is a vicious cycle. Shitty food gives little energy, you already have low energy. The motivation to properly cook grows lower and lower each day. You dread the day you have only enough energy left to open a package of chips and eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

“I’m not hungry.”

He glances at you. He knows that you are lying. Your eyes have greyed in starvation. He almost rips the cigarette out of your fingers and smokes it angrily, huffing out the smoke. 

“I’m offering”, he hisses.

“And I’m declining. I can take care of myself”, you throw back and rip the cigarette from his grasp to smoke it angrily. 

You may be starving, but you will be damned if you make yourself dependent on him again. You left him to finally prove to yourself that you can take care of yourself. You don’t need his help. Not anymore. 

You take another deep drag, then hand the cigarette to him. He smokes it, glaring at you. You know that your stubbornness angers him.

“Tell your men to stop pestering me”, you say into the tense silence. 

He looks over his shoulder at his police team. They are too drunk and caught in conversation to pay their boss any mind.

“They’re inside”, he says.

“You know I don’t mean them. Tell your other men to stop annoying me.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yes. You do.” It is your turn to smoke. “It all started when they stole my groceries, but it’s been getting childish. My packages keep getting stolen, my internet cuts off, I find letters in my mail. Letters saying awful things about me. It’s getting ridiculous. Tell your men to stop terrorising me.”

“Stolen packages?” He takes the cigarette from you, brushing his fingers against yours as he does. The touch feels like the sweetest poison on your skin. “This doesn’t sound like my problem to solve. Go to the police.”

“Are you serious?” 

He inhales, exhales the smoke into your face. You should be disgusted by it, but almost huff it in like an addict. Yoongi watches your lids lower and your chest raise in a greedy breath, finding it hard not to stare at your lips as he hands you the cigarette. You smoke it. His eyes are still on your lips, glued to the shape of them as his throat runs dry.

“Very serious”, he rasps.

“You are the police”, you throw back in disbelief, exhaling the smoke into his face that way.

“Mhm yeah, I guess I am.” He takes the cigarette, smoking it with half lidded eyes. He exhales, handing you the cigarette. “When are you going to come home again?” he asks, looking back at the rain.

You almost choke on the smoke, exhaling it in a cough. Yoongi glances at you from the corner of his eyes.

“Your farce is getting ridiculous”, he says coldly.

“My farce?”

This break up wasn’t the first break up you and he went through. You left many times before, always thinking that you were finally strong enough to forget him only to come crawling back again. You don’t blame him for doubting that this time will be different, but you still can’t stop yourself from getting angry.

“Did you even hear what I said?”

“I did. Go to the police. I have nothing to do with it.”

You drop the half-finished cigarette. It dies in the puddle on the ground.

“I was smoking this”, he says dryly, “besides, don’t litter.”

“Pick it up yourself if you care so much about these dirty ass streets”, you spit and turn to leave. You take getting wet over being with him any longer.

Yoongi watches you leave, shakes his head in disbelief and bends down to pick up the cigarette. He won’t run after you because you will come crawling back eventually. You always do.

“Sir?” 

He turns his head. One of his officers. He is young and with sparkles of big dreams in his eyes. Yoongi pities him. This city is going to chew him up until there is nothing left of him. He had the same dreams once and knows what the viper nest, which is the justice system, is going to do to him. 

“What do you want?” he asks him dryly, rolling the wet cigarette between his fingers.

“Who did you talk to right now?”

“Just someone important to me.”

“Shouldn’t we escort her home? It’s raining and there could be criminals on the streets. It’s too dangerous for a woman to be alone.”

“She’ll get home safely.”

“Are you sure, Sir? I stayed sober for cases like these. I could get the car right away.”

“You’re sober?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“But it’s a work dinner. You’ve been off work for hours.”

The young officer salutes, “I know, Sir but a policeman shouldn’t slack, Sir.”

Yoongi feels deep pity for the young man. He is so motivated, so proper and full of good spirit. Waking up is going to hurt like a bitch for him.

He pats him on the shoulder.

“You’re a good person, Jeon”, he says and swerves past him to get back inside. 

The young officer follows him with pride glimmering in his innocent eyes. Yes, waking up is going to hurt like a bitch for him. 

Yoongi wasn’t always living two lives. He was like his young officer once. Full of dreams and motivation. He dreamed of using his powers to do good, to help those who needed it most and then he woke up. He watched politicians and men in power ruin, rape and kill the powerless without ever getting punished for it. He felt helpless. If even someone in his position can’t change the world, then who will? His criminal work was honourable once. He slipped evidence money under the table to hand out to the powerless, he let proof disappear for people doing crimes out of desperation. One time he was supposed to put a starving mother behind bars because she stole diapers for her babies. Yoongi couldn’t do it and so he disobeyed the law for these kinds of people.

But then his criminal work became less about the powerless and more about him. Making money the illegal way was easy and it is fucking addicting. Especially when he could make sure that evidence about him never reached the higher ups. Yoongi fucking loved the sudden power he possessed and he was too blinded by it to see that he became exactly what drove him to criminality in the first place.

Yoongi tells his officer to check up on your place that night. The young officer rings the doorbell like he was told to do.

You open it, swaying from intoxication as you do. The stench of digested booze wafts off you. But you somehow seem to sober up when you see the police badges on his shirt.

“You’ve got the wrong person”, you tell him, trying to morph your face into an expression of sobriety.

“Don’t worry, Miss. I came here to check on you.”

“Check on me?”

“Yes, Miss.” He salutes you. “I have orders from my captain to make sure that you arrived home safely and that you received this”, he says with an innocent smile on his lips, presenting a plastic bag to you. 

Authentic Asian Beef Noodles, it reads in red letters and inside, three big takeout containers of food are waiting to be eaten. 

Everything clicks into place. This is one of Yoongi’s employees. Another young, hopeful spirit which will be crushed in the system. You pity the young officer. You had the same innocent sparkle in your eyes once.

Hesitantly, you accept the takeout food.

“Thanks”, you mumble.

“Any time, Miss.” He studies you for a moment. “Are you…are you okay, Miss?”

You bite back tears. His empathy is going to kill him one day. But it feels so good to receive. You haven’t been asked this question in so long.

You shake your head. He straightens up in worry. 

“Should I call help for you, Miss?”

You know what he indicates.

“Thank you, no. I’m just going through some shit. Sorry, I’m being sappy tonight.”

“You don’t have to go through it alone, Miss.”

“I know. I’m just… I’m seriously alright, I won’t do anything stupid. You don’t have to worry, officer.” 

“Yes, well I still see it as my duty to stay because you seem sad to me”, he says and tries to go inside your apartment. He still has a lot to learn. You know from his eyes that he has no bad intentions and that he truly wants to help, but you know how the city will treat such deeds. One day he will try to help the wrong person and end up with attempted sexual assault charges. And it will fucking destroy him because people like him only see the good in the world and can’t imagine that others would want to hurt people.

You stop him with a guiding hand on his chest.

“That isn’t necessary, really. My packages keep getting stolen and I guess it’s been annoying me.”

He pulls out a pen paper instantly, stepping closer to you without noticing, “your packages? Have you seen anyone suspicious? How many packages have gone missing? When did it start?”

“No, I… Thank you for your concern and the food, but I will get through the night safely.”

He steps back, cheeks reddened in embarrassment.

“Forgive me, I don’t know why I did that. My captain said that you were important to him and that I should make sure that you are well, so I wanted to do a good job at it.” He bows at you deeply. “Please forgive me, Miss.” 

“He said that?” you whisper.

He nods his head, “yes, Miss.”

“Oh. Uhm. ” You clear your throat. “Thank you, I, uhm, tell him that I’m good.” 

“I will, Miss. Here, my card. You can always call me when you need something” he hesitates, “or when you just need someone to talk to.” 

“Thank you. This is so kind.”

“You are never alone, Miss.”

“Thank you”, you say, bowing at him. He is so kind. God, you want to grab him and tell him to run before it’s too late.

He bows as well, “good night, Miss.”

“Good night.”

You watch him leave. He gives you one last look out of the police car and a kind wave, then drives off. 

You close the door with a curse. This just sobered you up. The young policeman’s kindness just sobered you up. You check his name on the card he handed you. Jeon Jungkook. Why someone like him? He never should have found his way into this field of work. 

You look at the takeout food next, feeling your stomach twist. You are important to Yoongi. Holy fuck.

It’s been eight weeks since you left him. You don’t feel better. The cigarette you shared was two weeks ago and yet you still feel as if it was sticking to your lungs. Each time you breathe out, you swear you can taste him. It almost suffocates you and keeps you from relaxing. So you leave your depressing place for a walk to the kiosk. You read somewhere that walks are good for one’s mental health. You can’t agree. Walks force you to be outside where people are loud and fucking stink.

The vendor must be fucking with you. The day is bright, but the kiosk is closed again. You bang your fist against the closed door, cursing loudly. You want your fucking smokes is that too much to ask? This city is fucking shit.

You’ll just call someone who will always help. You saved him as Jay. His real name is Hoseok. You don’t say his real name in public. He doesn’t say yours. Yoongi sometimes called him his best friend, but what is such a title out of the mouth of the most apathetic man you know? You were his girlfriend too and look at where this has gotten you, living as an outlaw in the shit and dirt of this city.

Like always, Hoseok lets the phone ring four times then he picks up.

“Flames are hot”, he says.

“And the arsonist works hard”, you answer him.

“Hyacinth, it’s good to hear your voice”, there is finally a smile in his voice now that you answered the code correctly.

“The same goes for you, Jay.”

“What’s up? I haven’t heard from you in ages.”

“Nothing much. I’m out of smokes.”

“The corner in twenty?”

“Yeah.”

You and he end the call at the same time. Twenty minutes later you meet. He wears black overalls and smudged eyeliner. He says it keeps the char easier to hide. Like always, he greets you with a quick hug.

“What do you got?” you ask him.

“Whatever you want.” He opens his bag. “I’ve got cigarettes, but something stronger too”, he says, scurrying around the contents of the bag with his fingers. He always has burn marks on them, but somehow they are never dirty.

“What do fifty bucks buy?”

“For you? Two packs of cigarettes and two joints. That’s a steal.”

“Fuck dude, you’re getting expensive.”

“Yeah well, a man’s gotta eat.”

“Fine, I’ll take it.”

You and he exchange goods. He makes small talk.

“But why are you here with me? Did Suga run out of goods?”

Suga is Yoongi’s codename in public. The sound of it almost brings bile into your throat. You did such a good job in forgetting him and now the memory of him is as fresh as a new day. At least you like to pretend that you are doing a good job at forgetting him. Your heart knows better though.

“We, uhm…”

Hoseok exhales sharply, “again?”

You nod your head.

“When?”

“More than two months ago.”

“Damn, that’s long.”

“Yeah, I’m serious about it.”

He cocks his brow up.

“I am”, you insist just a little snappishly.

“Alright”, he closes his bag, “I gotta go now.”

“Already?”

He looks around nervously. Almost as if he didn’t want to be seen with you.

“Yup. Use the stuff wisely, I won’t have new stuff for a while.”

“Seriously?”

He nods his head and salutes you nonchalantly.

“See you around.”

“See…you?”

He turns his back to you and walks off quickly, soon disappearing into the busy crowd. Is this your fate? Even the people closest to you avoid you now that you aren’t Yoongi’s anymore? Were you truly only worth something as his little thing? You ball your hands into fists, bending the joints this way. You have to leave this fucking place. There is actually nothing holding you here anymore.

That night the phone terror starts. Numbers keep calling you over and over and over again. You pick up the first time, only to have to listen to the most hurtful things another human has ever said to you. The voice wasn’t Yoongi’s, but you still blame him. Now that you aren’t his thing anymore, you became free food to whoever had been waiting to make your life a living hell. You turn off your phone after an hour and go to sleep with the help of Hoseok’s joints.

The doorbell wakes you the next morning. You consider not answering because it’s probably just one of his goons wanting to terrorise you. But whoever is ringing the doorbell is stubborn, forcing you out of your bedroom. You look through the door cam first.

That young officer. He is in full uniform.

You open the door hesitantly.

“Good morning”, he greets you with a wave and a smile.

“Good morning”, you murmur. Your mouth is as dry as a fucking desert. You are also so hungry that you could throw up in his face right now.

“How are you feeling, Miss?”

“Good.”

“That’s good to hear.” He says and shows you a package which he kept hidden behind his back all this time. He smiles brightly and proudly. “Tada!”

“What’s that?”

“I caught the package thief, Miss.”

“Are you serious?” you gasp and your eyes instinctively drift to the car you have noticed parked outside your unit for days. The door is opened and someone is sitting in the backseat. He looked cuffed to the seat. You glance at the young officer and the shiteating, proud grin he is sporting. He has been watching you? Did Yoongi tell him to?

“Wait. You’re actually serious.”

“Very serious. For you, Miss”, he says and shoves the package into your face.

“Uhm, uh. Thanks”, you accept it, putting it under your arm. “Have you been watching me?”

“Did you notice the car? Sorry, I thought that I was better hidden. I’m still new to all of this. But I caught the thief, heh.” He points at himself with his thumbs. “That’s my first real arrest.”

He manages to drag an honest smile to your lips. He is kind of adorable in a way.

“That’s cool. Thank you for taking care of it. Now I’ve got nothing to worry about anymore.”

He grins and nods his head, studying your features afterwards. He opens his mouth.

“Jeon are you there? Over”, his walkie talkie interrupts whatever he wanted to ask you. He takes it off his chest harness.

“I’m here, Kim Sir. Over.”

“Come to the precinct. We need reinforcements. Over.”

“Coming right away, Sir. I caught a thief right now, Sir. Over.”

A pause where the higher officer is definitely baffled by his confession.

“Good job, Jeon. Over.”

The young officer giggles before he speaks again, doing so as seriously as possible.

“Thank you, Kim Sir. I am taking the criminal to the precinct. Over.”

“Understood. Over.”

He puts the walkie talkie back on its harness and gives you a sorry smile.

“That was my boss. My other boss, not your friend who is the boss of this boss. Anyways. I have to go now, duty calls. Are you going to be okay, Miss?”

“I am. Thank you for your kindness.”

“Anytime, Miss. Uhm, have a good day”, he says and leaves with a wave of his hand. He waves again as he drives off. You retort it, staring at his car until it disappears behind a corner. You sigh deeply. He is so nice. Why someone like him? Why does this life always find people like him?

It’s been ten weeks since you left him. You read somewhere that walks are good for your mental health. You still can’t agree. Walks force you to be outside where people are still loud and still fucking stink. But it’s better than staying in your apartment. You’ve got new neighbours since Monday. They keep fucking like actual animals. They fucked when you left your place tonight. You were this close to kicking their door in and slaughtering them like pigs. You opted for a walk in the end.

You walk for a while then sit down by an empty bench next to the river. It is quiet. Nobody is really here. At least nobody important. A couple, how disgusting. A late night jogger, clearly a man. A homeless person, who uses another bench as their bed. You hate looking at homeless people because you feel helpless seeing them. You stopped being on the bright side of the law because of people like them. You thought that maybe if you stole from the corrupt men in power often enough, you would be able to help the ones who truly needed it. But you never managed to actually achieve anything. The homelessness in the city grows, while the pockets of the politicians become fatter and fatter in wealth. You fucking hate this city. It is rotten to the core.

“Look who we have here. If that isn’t our pretty little Hyacinth.”

You aren’t quick enough to get up to leave and then you already have two men throwing their arms over your shoulders while a third is grabbing the back of your head from behind. You try to reach for your knife but can’t. Their grip on you is too good.

“What are you doing here all alone?”

Their voices are familiar and one look at them confirms your suspicions. It’s them. The same three underlings who stole your groceries months ago.

“Leave me alone”, you tell them.

“Why should we? You are all alone. If the boss knew we’re leaving you alone, he’d grow angry.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Now, now don’t be like that. You’re just a girl and there are many dangerous men out there.”

You look to your side. One of them is licking their lips like a hungry animal.

“Yeah? And you’re being fucking inappropriate. Leave me alone”, you spit, shaking off their arms.

They let you. Just as they let you stand up and take your bag.

“Goodnight”, you tell them and leave. Quickly. You walk a good hundred feet until you finally dare to look over your shoulder only to realise in horror that they are following you. Quickly.

You can defend yourself. You know how to kill, but you also know when you are outnumbered. And three bigger men against a woman is sadly never going to end well for the woman. You hate this city and you hate this life. You know that their words were nothing but provocation. They know you aren’t with Yoongi anymore, that you aren’t under his protection anymore and that in some weird way, you sullied his honour. You also know how people who bring dishonour to the gangs of this city are punished. The men are murdered and the women, well, they are murdered too but not before being sullied themselves. You hate this city and you hate this life. This life which is going to fucking end for you soon.

You dare to look over your shoulder one more time. They are so close that you can see the hunger in their eyes. No. Nononononono. It can’t end like this. You were supposed to leave this city, start a new life, forget about Yoongi. You are not going to die here in this dirty, shitty park far away from your dream.

Thump.

You bounce back from the impact, letting out a blood curling scream. It was instinct. Just as it is instinct of the person you ran into to grasp you by your arms and pull you closer again.

“Let me go! Help! Help me!”

“Quiet”, the person hisses and shakes you. This voice sounded different. Familiar in an almost intimate way.

You dare to shift your eyes to them.

Yoongi.

“I, I, I”, you stutter, feeling delirious in both fear and shock. You grab his shirt, twisting it to get closer to him. The act is intimate and out-of-place but you are too frightened to think clearly. 

Yoongi brushes over the state of your glassy eyes to look over your shoulder. There are three men suddenly scurrying away, using the darkness to hide. He managed to get their faces.

He looks back at you. Your eyes meet. A little bit of clarity returns to you. What are you doing? Your fingers soften around his shirt. 

“I don’t…”

“Come on, we’re going home”, he say sternly and puts an arm around your waist, dragging you with him like this.

You follow him all the way to his car. You even let him sit you down on the passenger seat and you even stay seated when he rounds the car to get to the driver side. You think that you are in shock because you don’t protest when he starts the car, nor when he drives off. You simply stare outside with your knees turned to him because your body acts against your consciousness. The city passes you by in flashes of neon colours. His car smells like his cologne and leather. He has no music playing. 

Yoongi glances at your face. You have your head against the window, squeezing your hands between your thighs. The neon lights illuminate your features each time he passes by another light source. He can see that you are trying not to shake.

He takes a deep breath, shifting his eyes to the road. He has to grip the steering wheel, otherwise his hands would shake in anger.

“Should we get dinner?”

His voice rips you from whatever trance you were in. You sit up straight, looking at him. He is gripping the steering wheel to the point his knuckles pale. His long hair is hanging into his face tonight. A turquoise varsity jacket adorns him. His scar wasn’t hidden behind concealer. He wasn’t working his day job today. What was he doing at the park? Why was he there?

“Take me home”, you order him.

“I am.”

“No. Home. Not your place.”

“My place is your home”, he gets out through gritted teeth.

“No, it isn’t. Not anymore.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Did you see what they were doing to me?”

“No.”

You are lost for words for a moment. The tears come afterwards.

“Stop the car.”

Yoongi looks at you because your voice was shaking. He holds his breath at the sight of your tears.

“What?” he makes sure.

“Stop. The. Car. Now.”

He laughs and shakes his head.

You pull the knife out on him. He swerves to the side on instinct, fixing the mistake so vigorously, you and he shake in the small space. You don’t let it affect you, holding the knife against his skin.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he hisses.

“Stop the fucking car or I’ll kill us both”, you spit, holding the knife against his throat.

“Fuck”, he growls and hits the steering wheel. The car rolls to a stop.

“Get out”, you threaten.

“I am. Fuck.”

He follows your orders because you have his life at blade’s end. He still slams the door closed. You leave the car instantly.

“What the fuck were you thinking? You could have killed us both” he tries to scold you, but you silence him.

“I’m talking now”, you roar.

Yoongi closes his mouth because he has never heard you like this before.

“You are such an asshole! Each day I regret the moment I met you! You are the worst thing that ever happened to me!”

Yoongi gulps. 

“I had a life before you. I had dreams and ambitions and, and goals and…a chance. I could have had a good life. I was supposed to use my degree to help people but you ruined everything for me.”

He rounds the car in big steps, coming so close to you that you smell his breath. It smells like chewing gum. 

“You could have achieved something? What exactly did you achieve as a lawyer? Mhm, what did you achieve? This city is fucked.”

“Yes, because you fucked it!” you hit his chest. He doesn’t budge, but also doesn’t stop you. “You fucked it and you fucked me and I hate you for it!”

“Don’t blame me for your decisions. I gave you a chance to leave me back then. You were the one who stayed.”

You inch closer until your lips are almost touching. Yoongi exhales shakily, placing his hand on your hip. 

“And I will regret this decision till the day I die”, you whisper, breaking the closeness.

You slip out of his hold. He follows you in a small stumble and a trembling gasp. 

“I never want to see you again. Are we clear?” you hiss at him.

“Don’t be fucking ridiculous, you don’t want this”, he hisses back at you.

“You’re wrong, I don’t want you. I thought I still did, but I don’t. You don’t care about me, it’s finally so fucking obvious to me. You don’t fucking care.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“They are terrorising me, Yoongi!” You finally scream. “I wake up to people ringing my doorbell in the middle of the night, I have to keep my phone turned off because the phone calls don’t stop. I keep getting my stuff stolen and, and I thought I was going to be raped tonight! They are terrorising me and you called it not your problem!”

“No, you-”

“I’ve been living in constant fear, our friends don’t even look at me anymore, I haven’t eaten in days and I can’t-”, you stop yourself. He doesn’t even deserve your anger anymore. “-you know what? Fuck this and fuck you. I’m leaving.”

You turn your back to him and leave. 

He says your name and takes your hand. He pulls, tries to turn you to him. But you rip yourself free again.

“Don’t go”, he says.

You don’t listen.

“I’m ordering you to stay”, he sounds desperate, yelling your name, “I am ordering you!” 

He can yell as much as he wants to. You don’t listen to him anymore. The subway station isn’t far. You will make an exception and take it tonight. Even if you hate it. It stinks. Just like the rest of this shitty city.

You are going to leave. Once you are home, you are going to start packing and then you are going to leave. You will call V. You don’t know his real name, but he can change your identity as quickly as others change their socks. You will call V and tell him to have your passport ready the day after tomorrow. You will pay him with the money you have under your pillow and then leave for somewhere clean. Maybe somewhere with lots of mountains. You always heard that the air at these places is breathable.

You call V the same night. He tells you that two days is too short and to wait another week. So you wait. Your bags have been packed. You live out of them in your own place. You don’t leave it. You are scared. With how little Yoongi cared about your situation, you doubt that he told his men to stop. You are scared that if you left again, they would finally go through with what they couldn’t finish back then.

The doorbell rings during a rainy, dark night. You flinch awake to the point where you feel sick to the stomach. The lights are turned on instantly eventhough you know not to do that in such a situation. You can’t think clearly. You just want this to be over. All of it.

You run to the front door because you suddenly feared that it was unlocked. It isn’t, but you can watch someone push an envelope under your door. The shadow blocking the light outside leaves the moment the letter is inside your apartment.

You don’t want to open it at first, staring at it as if someone had planted a bomb in your apartment. Fuck it, if that is how you die then so be it, you think in the end and bend down to pick it up. It feels different in your fingers. Sophisticated. Intimate. The envelope is glued closed as if someone licked the glue stripe and the faint smell of well-known cologne lingers on the paper. You open it with shaky fingers.

A letter. It is heavy and folded once. You open it, gasping when three photographs fall out of it and onto the ground. You don’t know what is on them because they landed on their face side. So you read the letter first.

“It has always been mine as well.”

Written in black ink and a familiar handwriting. This is Yoongi’s writing.

With even shakier hands, you pick up the pictures. You feel sick for a moment, gawking at the cruel pictures with your hand thrown over your mouth. The three men who terrorised you. Their mutilated corpses look back at you. He tortured them to death.

You rip the door open, stumbling onto the balcony. You look down at what tripped you. Two bags of your favourite takeout food and a six pack of water. Both clearly fresh. So it was him. Yoongi must be here somewhere. You look into the distance. The night is loud and blurry in a thunderstorm. The streets are empty. The ghost of your past is gone again. You squint your eyes. A person.

“Yoongi!” you call out, unable to realise that you are smiling and waving your hand.

The person moves. Oh. It was just the shadow of a tree. For just a moment you had hoped that the dark shape was him waiting for you. It was just a tree…and you were happy that if could have been Yoongi. The realisation hurts.

“Fuck”, you press out, going back inside. The lump in your throat makes it hard to breathe. You stumble back to bed, halting for a moment when you pass your suitcases.

It has always been mine as well. His words repeat themselves in your head. All this time, you thought that he didn’t care. All this time, you thought that your terror left him cold. Your eyes drift over the empty takeout boxes from the noodle place. You still haven’t cleaned them up. He made sure that you were properly fed for days back then. A glance at the new stuff he got tonight. He is still making sure that you are. Your eyes drift over the package next. He made sure that they stopped getting stolen. You look at the pictures in your hands. He made sure that they would never hurt you again. All this time, you were so blinded by your own anger that you missed how he had always looked out for you. You missed his way of showing you that you were important to him.

It has always been his problem as well.

Something inside you breaks and you scream. You don’t know what you scream for, but you scream. It hurts so much. It hurts so much because you will still leave. He will hurt you again if you stay. All his efforts healed your heart and it hurts so much because you will still leave. You were meant to stay broken hearted. Leaving would have been so easy this way. Now it hurts like a bitch. But you can’t sway. You have to leave this place. It will chew up what little is left of you until you truly cease to exist.

V comes to your place the next day. He rings your doorbell. It wakes you from the uncomfortable sofa you fell asleep on last night. You groan as you sit up and you barely want to open your eyes as you stumble to the door.

You open it without checking the camera first.

“Took you long en- you?”

Jungkook, the young officer, greets you with a smile.

“I swear I’m not stalking you.”

You have a headache today, so it is difficult not to snap at him. He is also not the person you wanted in front of your door today.

“I’m starting to doubt that.”

He laughs, “it’s not that. I talked to my boss. Your friend, the boss of the other boss. Sorry, anyways. I need you to come to the precinct with me.”

“What? Why?”

“Okay so, this is actually so cool and I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but you’re my boss’ friend so I guess it’s okay”, he begins with sparkling eyes, “turns out that the package thief is actually a serial thief and you aren’t the first one he stole from. Isn’t that cool? It’s like in those movies. Those cool cop movies.”

“Really? He stole from more people?” You highly doubt that.

“Yeah”, he laughs as he answers you, nodding his head excitedly, “now we’re calling in everyone who he stole from so we can take their statements. My boss says that we can’t keep the thief locked up for long otherwise.”

You know that this wasn’t really how the law works. After all, you were once a lawyer who was fucking good at her job. Is Yoongi trying to drag you back to him? First he tries to change your mind by killing your bullies and now he is trying to do the final blow by abusing his power as police chief? You check the time. Couldn’t the young officer have come later? You could have had your passport already and be far, far away from this place.

“Can I just give it to you here?” you ask him.

“Mhm”, he tilts his head to the side, “no, I don’t think that it works like this. I’m sorry, Miss. The captain said that it’s important that all the victims come into the precinct.”

You have to give Yoongi that. He is real clever about it. That means however that you can’t escape this situation. Any more resistance from you would make you suspicious.

You give up with a sigh. “Can I just change into something different?”

“Of course, Miss.”

The young officer lets you sit in the passenger seat. He is so new at all of this. With such naivety he tells you his entire life story. That he was from the countryside and that his dream has always been to be a policeman in the city. That he studied hard for years and that he completed his enlistment with honour just so he could be a proper officer. He sounds so proud of himself that each second with him makes you hate his presence more and more. He is so fucking stupid and it angers you. Why would he throw away his life like that? Why someone like him?

You are led to one of the precinct’s interrogation rooms and are told to wait there. The table is decked with different foods.

“What’s all that?” you ask Jungkook.

“Breakfast, Miss.”

“Did your captain tell you to do that?”

“He said that wanted to make sure you get your breakfast because we called you in so early. The captain really cares for the citizens.”

You stifle a scoff. Sure he does.

“Mhm, I see.”

“Either way, it won’t take long”, the young officer bids his goodbyes and leaves you in the interrogation room.

His words were a lie. You wait and wait and wait, but nothing happens. There are no clocks in this godforsaken room, but you still know that it has to be hours. You didn’t want to eat the breakfast at first, glaring at the two-way mirror because in your mind, Yoongi was behind it, watching you and making sure that you ate. You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction at first, but had to in the end. The body begins working against one’s will when it is starving and the breakfast looked way too good. You eat all of it, then glare at the mirror again. You are still left alone and more time passes. It is as if they are trying to wear you down, as if you were the criminal in this situation. Granted, you are a criminal, but only Yoongi knows that and right now you are a poor civilian having done nothing wrong. You know that it’s Yoongi’s doing. That he somehow wants to terrorise you.

So when the door finally opens and he walks into the room, you almost throw the empty bowl at his head.

“Forgive the wait, Miss but something came up”, he says nonchalantly, flicking through some papers.

His second in command Kim Namjoon and the young officer Jeon Jungkook are behind him, which is why he is putting up this act. You grind your teeth.

“I already started to wonder if I’m in danger here”, you say way too sweetly.

“That depends on how you are going to answer our questions”, he says and sits down on the chair in front of you.

Jungkook stays by the door while Kim Namjoon stands a little to your side.

You look around yourself. He is trying to intimidate you.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I thought that I’m here to give my statement because of my stolen packages.”

Yoongi glances up from the papers. This is the first time your eyes meet after your fight and he killed your bullies. If only the others in this room would know how much blood he has on his hands and to which length he is willing to go to protect you. There were times where you would have dragged him over the table and kissed him senseless, but not anymore. You are stronger than your urges, even if it hurts your heart. You can’t give in again. If you do, he will take you for granted again. You won’t be happy with him. You finally have to fucking understand that.

“You’re right. You are here because of that”, he says dryly.

“Good. It started on May sixteen. I came home at around seven ten and noticed that my packages were missing. Two were stolen back then, but in total he stole eight packages”, you say and proceed to tell him the exact dates with the time as well as what was stolen.  

“You seem to know how such hearings work”, he says after he wrote down what you said.

“I had a few hours to practice what I was going to say”, you say with a poisonous smile.

One Yoongi retorts with just as much poison and a deep hum.

“Apologies again.”

“Don’t worry, I know how hard the police works at keeping this honourable city safe.”

He tongues his cheek. You give him a victorious smirk. This cut. Good. He takes a deep breath and releases it through his nose, reaching into his suit pocket to pull out a cigarette. He gets as far as to put it to his lips and then Kim Namjoon already speaks up.

“Captain. Smoking is prohibited in this building.”

“Fuck”, Yoongi presses out and takes the cigarette between two fingers to tap it against the table instead.

“Smoking is bad for you either way”, you say.

He tongues his cheek again. You know that he wants to curse at you right now, but can’t. He has to put up a friendly act.

“I know, can’t shake the habit”, he says and studies your face, “so what now?”

“Sir?” Kim Namjoon is rightfully confused. Yoongi slipped up.

“I don’t know, I was never in such a place before. Do you still need to take my information?” you act oblivious.

“We already have everything.”

“Great. Then I can go?” you ask, fluttering your lashes innocently.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Sir?” “What? Why?”

Yoongi shifts in his chair until he manspreads like an idiot. He crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“What are you going to do now?” he asks you.

“Uhm…is this still part of my hearing?” you ask, glancing at Kim Namjoon.

“No of course not, Miss. Please, follow me.”

“Sit. Down.”

The room is silent for a moment. You glare at Yoongi while Namjoon and Jungkook gawk in complete confusion. Their captain acts out of character. There is no reason to keep the innocent lady here any longer. This isn’t like him at all. He has been fidgeting all day, barely drank his coffee, went for far too many smoke breaks and now this. The officers have no explanation for their captain’s sudden behaviour.

“What is the reason for this?” you ask him.

“Just safety precautions. We wouldn’t want our honest citizen to get into danger”, he says coldly, “now answer my question. What are your plans now, Miss?”

“I will go home.”

“Where is that home?”

“Sir, I don’t know if that is necessary.”

“Shut up, Kim.”

Namjoon gulps, exchanging a confused look with Jeon Jungkook. This is really not like their captain.

Yoongi straightens up and leans forward so he is closer to you.

“Where is that home, Miss?”

You lower your eyes in anger.

“I don’t know yet, I’m planning to leave this city.”

“What?” his voice shook as he spoke. His fingers close and break the cigarette that way. His eyes almost bore holes into yours from how deeply he stares into them.

“This city’s become too depressing for me. I plan on leaving it for good.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do. There is nothing holding me here anymore.”

“Yes, there is.”

“No, there really isn’t. I will leave.”

Bang!

You flinched back. Namjoon and Jungkook tense up as well.

Yoongi slammed his hand on the table, jumping to his feet.

“No the fuck you won’t!” he yells.

“Sir? What are you doing?!”

“Excuse me? It’s my right as an honest citizen to move”, you act oblivious as well.

“Keep her here”, he talks to Jungkook, pointing at him, “lock her up and keep her here.”

“Under what pretence, Sir?” the young officer asks with widened eyes.

“I, I, I don’t know. Refusal to, to, to cooperate or some shit like that”, Yoongi never stutters and he never paces, but he is currently doing both of those things.

“Sir…is…this legal?” Jungkook asks shyly.

Yoongi is by Jungkook’s side within a few steps, grabbing him by the collar.

“Do as you are told, Jeon! Unless you want to lose this job!” Yoongi growls, making Jungkook whimper with fear.

“Captain Min, you are stepping out of place”, Kim Namjoon speaks up, dragging him away from Jungkook, “and get off this poor officer’s neck. He is just doing his job.”

Yoongi whips around, now targeting his anger at Namjoon.

“If he was doing his fucking job, he would lock her up”, he hisses, pointing at you.

“I need you to step out for a moment, Captain”, Namjoon says and gestures Jungkook to open the door. The young officer obeys, holding it open as Namjoon shoves a protesting Yoongi out of the room. He closes the door again, muting the vivid fighting Yoongi was doing with Namjoon outside.

He meets your eyes, smiling awkwardly.

“Please forgive the Captain, Miss. He is very concerned about his citizens’ safety.” He is a terrible liar, but you don’t blame him. If you were in his situation, you would have no idea how to explain such a situation to a supposed innocent citizen either.

“Don’t worry. I, I’m just wondering if maybe I can finally leave? I’m sorry, this just really scared me and I just want to lie down at home now”, you act shaken up, looking at the young officer with pleading eyes. 

“Of course, Miss. Our honest apologies again, Miss. Please follow me”, he says and leads you out of the room.

Yoongi and Namjoon are still arguing, but stop when they see you come out. You lock eyes with Yoongi for the briefest of moments. 

He closes the distance and grabs your wrist, dragging you with him with such vigour that nobody truly gets time to act. Not even you know what was happening to you until you find yourself in his office with the door slammed shut. 

“What are you doing?” you gasp.

“Shut the fuck up, you’re not the one asking this question right now!”

“Yoongi, lower your voice. This isn’t the place for screams.”

He steps closer to you, pointing at your face in warning.

“I have every fucking right to scream right now and you know that”, he presses out through gritted teeth.

“Why? Because I finally don’t need you anymore?”

“You can’t move. What the fuck are you thinking?”

“I’m-”

‘I'm not done”, he interrupts you, “I killed them for you. I did it. Just for you. Because your safety matters to me. I care.” He hits his own chest. “I showed you that I care and you’re gonna leave?”

You hate that you love him, but not for the usual reasons. You hate it because it hurts. You are going to leave despite not wanting to. You love him, perhaps you always will but you are also going to leave. 

You nod your head.

Yoongi exhales shakily, taking a stumbling step back. He stares at you as if you were the ghost whose haunting hurts him the most. He huffs out air, rubs his hand over his mouth, then runs it through his hair and down the side of his neck.

“I’ll kill the thief”, he says in the end.

“What?” 

“I'll make it seem like suicide. He’ll look like a pisser who couldn’t take prison and killed himself.”

“Are you out of your mind? He’s just a thief.”

“Well, what more do you need?!” he screams

“Nothing! I don’t need anything from you!”

“Why not? I can give you whatever you want!”

“Look at you. Now that you finally realised, I’m actually serious about the breakup, you wanna act like you care.”

“I care”, his voice broke, but you are both too angry to acknowledge it, “i-i-if I knew that you- I just-” He breathes in, breathes out, rubs his mouth, then his neck. “It can’t end like this. It can’t.”

“It can. I’m done begging you for everything.”

Yoongi steps closer.

“I can-”

“Sir? What is the meaning of this?” 

Kim Namjoon and Jeon Jungkook are in the office. The rest of the precinct gawks at you and Yoongi through the doorway. The latter lifts his hands and steps back. His fingers are shaking. 

“The captain just voiced his worries for my move. Don’t worry about it, Kim Sir”, you lie and turn to leave, “may I finally leave?”

Namjoon tells Jungkook to handle it with a nod of his head. The young officer points at the open door.

“Please after you, Miss.”

Yoongi says your name. 

You look at him over your shoulder, despite knowing you shouldn’t. He takes a step closer, lifting his brows in pleading. Don’t give in. Don’t give in. Don’t give in. You ball your hands to fists and turn your back to him.

Yoongi tries your name again, hoping for another look. One which doesn’t come. 

“Come back”, he tries, but gets stopped by Namjoon.

You can hear them talk as you leave.

“What the fuck’s your issue, man? You’ve been weird all day and now you’re screaming at citizens?”

“Watch your tone.”

“Hyung, I’m not here as your colleague right now. I’m here as your friend.”

“She’s gonna leave, she can’t…”

Jungkook leads you away from the office before you can hear Yoongi’s full answer. 

“Are you crying, Miss??”

“Hm? Oh that, don’t mind them. It’s just…” Your heart is broken and you want to run back to Yoongi. “...forgive me, I’m just a little shaken from everything.”

“I’m sorry, Miss. The captain isn’t normally like this.”

“It’s alright. I know how Yoongi can be sometimes.”

“Yoongi?” Jungkook asks, glancing at the captain’s office. He wonders what kind of friends you and he are. Maybe Those kind of friends? Is that why you are important to the captain? 

“I mean…sorry, I don’t know why I said that. I just wish to go home now.”

“Of course, Miss.”

“Oh god, I don’t even have money for a bus ticket with me”, you murmur to yourself, looking for your wallet. This is all a scheme to get Jungkook to drive you home again. You are worried that if he didn’t, Yoongi would somehow get to you before you could reach the station.

“Don’t worry about it, Miss. As a policeman, it is my duty to make sure that you get home safely.”

“Really? I wouldn’t want to waste your time.”

“Of course, Miss.”

And so he takes you home and you hate yourself because of it. So it began. You were the first person who used his kindness to her advantage. You were the drop beginning the inevitable filling of the tank until one day it will swap over. And once that happens, it is almost impossible to stop the leak. Fuck, you are just as terrible as everyone else in this city.

But the young officer is oblivious to what you just did, driving you home with a kind smile on his face. He even walks you to your door and stays as you unlock it. Your neighbours are fucking again. He glances at their door, then awkwardly at you.

“Yeah, I’ve got new neighbours. You can’t go over there and flash your badge and tell them to shut up, can you?”

“Of course I can, Miss. Just one mom-”

“No stop, I was joking”, you stop him, studying him with exhausted eyes. You are so sorry. You are so fucking sorry.

“Ah, okay. Please forgive me, I always take everything way too seriously”, he says, scratching his own neck shyly. He furrows his brows. “What’s the matter, Miss?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, Miss.”

“Run.”

“What?”

“Run back to your hometown. Run and never look back.”

“Excuse me?” he laughs in confusion, furrowing his brows harder.

“You’re a good person, Jeon Jungkook. This city will fucking ruin you.”

“I…uh…” He laughs nervously. “I don’t seem to follow, Miss. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to get it, just listen to me. Please.”

“O…kay? I uhm…”

“Thank you for driving me home. I’ll think of you sometimes in my new home.”

“Miss, are you okay?”

“I am. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. Just promise me to run.”

“I promise?”

“Good. Be happy, Jeon Jungkook.”

“Miss, I-”

You close the door on him and lock it. You don’t expect him to knock or ring the bell. He is too proper to annoy you this way. You check the camera. He stares at the closed door for a few moments longer, looking confused. He lifts his hand to knock, hesitates and turns his back to the door instead, leaving down the steps to drive off. You know that you confused him, but you had to. Please let it be enough to save him.

V arrives later that day. He is stressed and clearly in a hurry.

“What’s wrong? You look like you need to be somewhere or like you need to shit. Do you need to shit?”

“What? No”, he sounds out of breath as well as annoyed, “I’m risking my ass being here. I’ve got your stuff. It’s the only thing except mine that I managed to save. Give me the money, quick.”

“Save?” you probe, giving him the money.

He stuffs it into his boxers hastily, looking over his shoulder again.

“My place got raided by cops. I was at the market getting food, then came back to five cop cars in front of my place. I barely escaped. If I didn’t always carry my stuff with me, I’d have been fucked.”

“What?!”

“Sorry, Hyacinth. Gotta leave the city for a while. I wish you all the best.”

“V, what the fuck?”

“Here’s to never seeing each other again, aye?” he jokes, laughing nervously. It’s a good thing he said. Never seeing each other again meant that you and he managed to escape safely.

“Wait. Where will you go?”

“I can’t tell you. You know I can’t.”

“Yeah, just…be careful.”

“You too.”

He leaves and you know that he will be successful. If there is one person who won’t ever be found it is V. 

You are in a trance for the rest of the day. Yoongi raided V’s place. He went as far as to betray his own people just to make sure that you wouldn’t leave. Carrying your new passport feels like a trophy, as much as it feels like a curse. Leaving this city won’t be as easy anymore now that he knows. You are so fucking stupid for telling him, but you didn’t want to miss out on his reaction when he found out. The small moment of satisfaction seems skippable now that you know how far he is willing to go to keep you close. And because V came as late as he did, your means of escape don’t drive anymore either. You have to wait for the earliest bus if you wanted to or not. Fuck, you did this to yourself. You stupid fucking woman. Look at you. You have this big, honourable degree and still manage to get yourself into shitty situations over and over again.

You go to sleep with a gun under your pillow. You won’t risk anything.

You don’t get a lot of sleep and then a noise wakes you. You heard it as clear as day. Someone unlocked your front door. He sent men to get you. Now he’s gone too far. You jump out of bed and grab your loaded gun, tiptoeing to a spot from where you could observe the apartment. You have to be strategic about it. First count the men, then calculate the fastest way to shoot them, then act. The door closes and locks again. Clever bastards, they want to make sure that you don’t flee. Oh, you are going to have a blast killing them. One last little thing to leave Yoongi before you abandon him.

The automatic lights turn on. Got you, assholes.

The first enters your vision.

“Hm?”

Yoongi. Clearly drunk, he is dragging his feet over the floor, using the wall as support. No one else follows him. So he came here alone. 

Overtaken by anger, you jump out of hiding and at him.

Yoongi collides with the wall, feeling the cold nuzzle of the gun press against his chin. He drops the keys and flowers he was carrying, lifting his hands in defeat.

“Careful, it’s just me”, he lulls.

“Get the fuck out of my house”, you spit, carrying murder in your eyes. 

“I can’t believe you’re still hiding your keys under the flower pot. Don’t make me so worried, anyone could enter.”

“I’m gonna count to three and if you haven’t disappeared by then, I’ll shoot.”

“Can we talk?”

“One.”

“I know I fucked up. I can’t stop thinking about you. Please, can we try again?”

“Two.”

“I promise I changed. You were right, I was a joke. But I wanna do better now.”

“Three.” “I’m sorry!”

Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut. His death never comes. He peels his eyes open again.

You are staring, panting heavily. Tears are in your eyes.

“I’m sorry”, he whispers.

This is the first time he is the one to say these words first. It feels so good, but you can’t give in again. You made up your mind to leave…didn’t you? You study the state of him. He is heavily intoxicated. He looks the way and reeks of it.

“You’re drunk.” 

He nods his head, furrowing his brows. He touches your elbows, caressing them softly. Such touch you only get when he is drunk.

“I drank because of you. What you said today. I just…don’t move away, please”, he begs, eyes filling with tears.

“So now you care? I wasn’t important to you when I was with you and now that I’m leaving, I’m suddenly important?”

“You’ve always been important.”

“No, I haven’t. You took me for granted.”

“I did and I’m sorry. I never should have taken you for granted. I’ll do better now, please just give me a chance to prove it to you.”

“If I give you a chance again, you’ll just abuse it and hurt me.”

“No, I won’t. Please, I just.” He cups your face, running his thumbs under your eyes as gently as possible. “We were right once. We were so good together. We were a team and, and we had dreams and we made each other happy. I want this back, I wanna try to get this back again please.”

“I just want to be happy, Yoongi”, you press out.

“I’ll make you happy, baby. Please, I-I’ll make you happy again.”

“No, you’re drunk and talking fucking shit.”

“I’ll leave this city if you want me to.”

You falter. He would give up what he built just for you?

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“I would. For you I would. I’d set this whole city on fire and leave with you as it burns to fucking ashes behind us, please.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Please”, he whispers and drops his forehead against yours, “please, I want to make you happy again.”

You hate that you love him. You hate that he made you addicted to him. This is so awfully him. He gives you enough affection that you get addicted to it then takes it away again. And once he feeds it to you again, you drink it up like an alcoholic. It is always the same. 

“No, you won’t. You’re drunk.”

“Please.”

“Leave my place.”

He presses himself off the wall and grabs the nuzzle of the gun, guiding it right between his brows.

“You have to kill me if you want me gone.”

You gulp. He forces your finger to the trigger. Your airways close up.

“Kill me. Fucking kill me. I can’t live without you anyways.”

You could end it. You’ve got everything. Your suitcases, your papers, the keys of his car he drunkenly drove like an asshole. You’ve got everything you need to escape this place. You could end it, finally make sure that you have no temptation to return. You could end him and your addiction with it. He’s got your finger on the trigger, it needs just one flex and it would be over. But you never wanted him dead. No matter how much you wished for him to be gone, you never wanted him dead. Because in some fucked up way, all you really wanted was for him to put more effort into you.

“No”, you whimper, shaking your head. 

He rips the gun from your fingers and drops it on your dresser. 

“I don’t want to kill you”, you press out, sobbing softly. 

He cradles your face, wiping your tears. 

“I know”, he gets out, nodding his head, “I know you don’t, princess. I know.”

“Yoongi”, you squeak out, twisting his shirt. 

“I’m here, princess. I’m here.”

He pulls you closer until his kiss is just one breath away, feeding on the shaky breath you let ghost against his lips. His drunken eyes gaze at your mouth, his heart is racing in his chest.

“Push me away”, he tells you.

“I hate you.”

“And I love you.”

“Yoongi”, you whimper, finally touching his chest instead of his shirt. 

He moans and pulls you into a kiss. A deep, hungry kiss. 

You pull at his hair to get him off of you as much as you pull him closer, fighting for air. You hate that you love…do you really? Do you really fucking hate it? Do you really hate it when his kiss makes you feel alive again? You spent months feeling out of breath and now it’s gone. You can breathe again. At least metaphorically, physically he’s got you very close to passing out. You push at him to get distance. Air. He lets you breathe, but not escape. He pushes you to your sofa until your legs collide with the back of it. Your shaky breaths intermingle, your shared moans follow. His right hand slides to your ass, his knee lifts to your middle. 

You gasp, grinding down on him. You can’t protest because he kisses you so deeply it feels as if he wanted to consume your soul. He kisses and gropes, kisses and gropes until air is sparse. He gasps.

“Fuck. Fuck, I’m fucked”, he gets out and pulls your head back so he could drag his tongue up your throat. 

It should disgust you, but it doesn’t. You moan, running your nails down his chest and arching your back. He lifts his head, looking at you with drunken, crazed obsession. His fingers just can’t stay still on your body. It is as if he wanted to touch everywhere at all times. The attention makes you short of breath.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.”

You touch his cheek. He leans into your palm, closing his eyes when you trace his scar. You were with him when he got it. It was during a fight. He fought with his fists, his opponent chose the cowardly way and pulled a knife on him. He was lucky that he didn’t lose his eyesight. He hated it at first, but you made him feel handsome. You always looked out for him that way.

“Do you…do you think I’m handsome?” he asks. Such questions you only get when he’s drunk. 

“I do.”

His breath trembles as it leaves him. He drops his hand from your hips to take out his cock. He touches himself, gazing at you as if he needed the view of you to stay hard. And he does. He needs you. You are the only person who can turn him on.

You look at what his hand is doing, gulping heavily. He sighs, gazing at your face. You are as mesmerised by him as you were when everything was still good between you and him. His cock still has the same effect on you.

“Princess?” he tilts your head back up to meet your eyes, using only two fingers under your chin for it. 

You meet his eyes, heart racing unbearably.

“Yes?” One little lift of his brows and you give him the answer he craved. 

You part your legs, tilting your hips closer to him. You nod your head vigorously, gazing at his cock again.

He doesn’t bother to pull his pants down all the way, neither does he care about taking off your panties. He pushes them to the side and stuffs you full of him, gripping the edge of the couch and your right thigh as deep moans leave him. Your right leg is lifted like this, supported by him.

You gasp, tensing up. Your toes curl instantly, your fingers clutch his lower arms. His cock stretches you out and stuffs your walls. It’s not uncomfortable, but it is definitely intense. You gasp again, looking at him with widened eyes.

“I know baby, I know”, he breathes and bottoms out. “It’s been too long. Fuck.” 

He moves, chasing your warmth in drunk, sloppy thrusts. You writhe and gasp repeatedly, scratching the back of his neck. You want to hate that you love him. He should feel like an intruder. You should want to kick and scream for help. But you don’t want to. You feel whole again. No preparation, but he doesn’t hurt. His kiss and touch was enough. Your addiction to him runs so deep that his cock is pure heroin to you.

“Yoongi”, you get out, grabbing his throat. Your thumbs are on his Adam’s apple, threatening to press down.

He smiles, “I love you”, he gasps out and drops his head against yours. His long hair tickles your face, his drunken breath swirls over your skin. He gulps and moans under your fingers, pumping into you with no signs of slowing down. You start losing strength in your calf, standing like this is exhausting, but if you were being honest, you don’t want it to stop. 

“I hate you.”

“Fucking kill me then”, he rasps.

You close your fingers slightly.

“Harder. This isn’t gonna do it.”

“You first.”

“Fuck, baby”, he gets out and lifts you so he could round the sofa with you. He pins you down into the pillows, ripping the panties off of you and kicking his pants off. He pushes into you before you can truly realise what was happening, feeding you all of him until he can’t give any more. He twists the pillow next to your head as he takes on a punishing rhythm. His dark hair hangs into his face, his teeth are bared as he huffs like an angry animal.

“Yoon-”

“I know, baby I know. You already told me, baby. I know”, he whispers, wiping your cheek, “take me, I know you can. You’re my baby, you’re made for me.”

His praise is like medicine to you. This is all you needed. To know that he is still obsessed with you and that you still affect him. 

You close your legs around his hips, keeping him with you this way. You need him to always stay like this. He moans your name, slipping his fingers from your cheek to hold the pillow instead. You told him that you hated him, but your body betrays you. Your eyes betray you. You keep him close, gaze at him as if he was your everything. Yoongi’s head is turning. Not only from the alcohol, but also from being with you again. And from knowing that you still loved him.

Because he loves you so much. He hates himself for taking you for granted. He never should have. You are his everything. The fucking reason why he does all of this. The last three months were torture for him. He started smoking again, drank too much, slept too little, worked too many hours. And if he didn't distract himself with work, he tried thinking up ways of showing you that he was still there for you. He ordered his officers to look out for you, sent food deliveries to your place, parked in front of your place somewhere hidden to watch you smoke on the staircase. He also followed you sometimes after you confessed to him that some of his goons were terrorising you. And each time he followed you, he wished for you to notice him just so he could get a chance at talking to you again. But you never did and Yoongi thought that you will come back again soon. Then you told him that you would move and Yoongi finally broke. He was truly losing you. Three months of hell, of lonely nights and heartbreak and he was truly losing you. 

“I missed you”, he gets out, painting his name against your favourite spots. The eagerness with which you clasp him results in your hips to lift off the pillow, allowing your clit to grind against him each time he bottoms out. The necklaces he is wearing are tangling over your face. They were too long once, but Yoongi cut them to the perfect length so they wouldn't hit your face when you are underneath him. That was six months ago. During a time you thought he didn’t care anymore. You feel so stupid now. His way of showing you that he cared was always there. He was always looking out for you. You were just too blind to see. 

You gasp and whimper, mewl and keen, looking up at him with teary eyes and your fingers closing around nothing. You can’t tell him that you missed him too because you are too overwhelmed. 

“Did you miss me too?” but Yoongi is drunk tonight and when he is drunk he is needy for your affection. 

You nod your head. 

“Say it.”

“I missed you”, you get out, following it up with a sob. 

“Baby, I love you”, he croaks, wiping your tears before dropping his forehead against yours, “I love you, baby, I love you. Don’t leave me again, please.”

“You’re so drunk.”

“Yeah, drunk ‘cause of you. Thought I’ll lose you. Baby, I can’t lose you”, he croaks and shows you his honesty with passionate rolls of his hips. Somehow he goes even deeper than before, he hits your favourite spots even better. 

You arch your back and scream his name, throwing your head back as best as possible. This is electric. Holy shit, he makes you feel good. Your face scrunches up against your will, your feet shake on his back. 

Yoongi admires you with a pounding head and racing heart, repeating what he did before over and over and over again. You react in mewls and moans and screams and he can’t get enough of it. He wants for you to lose your fucking voice because you couldn’t stop screaming for him. Because if you sound like this for him, he makes you happy. It has been too long since you actually screamed this way, so Yoongi is especially affected by tonight.

He laces his fingers with yours – again, he is drunk – and squeezes them needily. He thinks that he is crying too. He watches pearls of something drip onto your face sometimes. His eyes also burn. He doesn’t want it to stop. He is willing to carry his emotions on his sleeve if it meant you were happy again.

“Is this what you needed? Does this finally make you fucking happy?” he gets out, chasing the ecstasy as much as he helps you with your own pleasure trip.

You squeeze his hands back, making him moan your name.

“Ye-yes.”

“Argh”, he growls, trying so much harder to fuck you right. It feels so good. He has to tell you. He stayed silent way too often in the past. You want his efforts and he wants to give them to you. “You feel so good.”

The first confession was hard because he isn’t used to sharing his feelings. It was hard, but it was also ecstatic because your sounds of pleasure became louder and you tightened around him, squeezing his hands happily. 

“You feel so good. You feel so fucking good. You feel so good, princess. You feel…so good”, he can’t stop now that he started, telling you over and over and over again how you make him feel. Good. So good. He feels so good when he is with you. “You are so good. Princess, fuck. I have to..I, I have to- ah!” 

You open your eyes in time with Yoongi collapsing on top of you. He whimpers into the crook of your neck, shaking almost pathetically.

There are two things you always believed to be true about Yoongi. First: When he fucks, his moans are always deep, raspy and growly. Second: He has perfect control over his orgasms. 

Both of these things are getting proven wrong to you right here and now as he whimpers and shakes and paints your walls with his unexpected orgasm. You want to blame the alcohol on it and maybe the months of abstinence, perhaps even the fear of losing you paired with the relief of having you again. Holy fuck, he actually loves you doesn’t he?

“I love you”,  he sobs, hugging you close. 

“Yoongi ah”, he breaks you with his confession and the tenderness with which he holds you. You swear that you can taste colours for a moment. You haven’t felt honestly good in your own skin in months. This right here is what feeling good is. This is it. 

You don’t know who comes down first. You think it is Yoongi, but even if he does, he doesn’t pull out. He lets you shake and throb and clench around him until your moment of peak pleasure is over as well. He holds you silently afterwards, catching his breath in the crook of your neck. He missed your scent like nothing else. Truly, it leaves him so drugged out that he actually finds himself drooling as he smiles like a giddy boy. 

You calm down with his weight atop your chest, his length still inside you and his hair between your fingers. It is still a little stiff and crusty from the variety of hair products he keeps in it during his day job. To think that mere hours ago, you were screaming at each other in his office. It feels so far away to you now. Like a memory of an unbelievable life.

You don’t hate that you love him. You really don’t. 

“How.” He clears his throat. “How are you feeling?”

“Good.”

“Are you sore? Does anything hurt?”

“No, but I’m leaking.”

“Fuck”, he laughs into your shoulder, nibbling on it gently, “sorry, I just…am drunk and missed you.”

“You were pathetic doing that.”

He laughs harder. You and he have a peculiar sense of humour. He knows that you meant it fondly. You laugh as well. He lifts his head at the sound of it, cupping your cheek. 

“If it means you’re laughing, I can live with being pathetic.”

Your heart flutters.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Booze. Way too much booze.”

You laugh again. His eyes soften, he caresses your face. 

“Definitely too much booze, yeah”, you agree.

“Mhm, fuck.” He cuddles into your shoulder again. “I’m sleeping here.”

“And you think I’d let you?”

He nods his head.

“Fuck, you’re the worst.”

“Am I wrong?”

“No, you’re not.”

You wake up alone the next morning. It hurts. So nothing changed. He got what he wanted, made you addicted again only to leave. Like he always did. And you are left feeling dirty and used and fucking awful. 

You probably would have stayed in bed to cry the entire day if a very worrying noise hadn’t come from outside your door. Someone’s in your kitchen. You roll out of bed and leave the room. You don’t need weapons today. You are angry enough that you will probably be able to beat whoever is dumb enough to break in. 

You cross the corner and stop, lowering your fists.

Yoongi. 

He took a shower and tied all of his wet hair into a messy bun. He is shirtless, wearing a towel around his hips. Music is playing from his phone while on the stove, breakfast is sizzling. 

“You?”

He turns at the sound of your voice, face lighting up instantly. 

“Good morning, beautiful”, he says, closing the distance to take you into a hug. “Did you sleep well?”

You don’t answer him, you push at his chest so you could look at him. You can’t believe that he is still here and that he is making you breakfast.

“What’s the matter?” he asks. 

“Why the fuck are you still here?”

He furrows his brows, “why not?”

“I, I don’t know. I just, just. I thought that…huh? You didn’t leave?”

He frowns in regret for a moment, before leaning in to kiss your cheek. He gives your left buttock an almost playful squeeze afterwards, stepping back to return to the cooking.

“I’m making your favourite. I also cleaned. Your place was a shithole, honestly.”

Still flabbergasted beyond relief, you look around your small apartment. He didn’t just clean up the garbage and tidy, he fully wiped the place down. You check the clock next. It’s way past one at noon. You slept for more than twelve hours. Damn. You never even realised how much sleep these last three months took from you until you finally fell asleep in his arms again and actually stayed asleep. You feel refreshed and not uncomfortable in your own skin. 

Last, you look at Yoongi. He is humming to the music, switching between stirring the eggs in the pan and chopping up some pork belly. 

At first you don’t want to accept that this is actually happening to you, but then the desire to be close to him gets too grande to bear. You almost run to him, colliding with his back in a passionate hug. 

He stumbles and grunts, following it up with a fond chuckle and his big hands rubbing your lower arms. 

“Please don’t make me regret this again. Please.”

He turns in your arms, caressing your waist. He shakes his head, looking at you in ways he hasn’t looked at you in ages. As if he honestly loved you. 

“Can you promise me?”

“I promise you, baby”, he says in a soft voice and locks pinkies with you. 

The gesture is so cute and honest, that you have to stifle a giggle. Your heart hasn’t fluttered like this in ages.

“I have an idea. How about I’ll take next week off and we’re leaving this city for a while? Maybe the mountains? You’d like the air there”, he suggests. 

“Are you serious? Do you actually mean that?”

He nods his head. You and he began swaying to the music, looking at nothing else but the other. 

“But first I gotta sort out the mess I made when I busted V’s place”, he says.

“Yeah true.” You slap his chest. “Fuck you for that. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know, I know. I acted irrationally, I admit. But I’m gonna fix this. You know how easily I can make stuff disappear. He’ll be able to return again in a week or so.”

“I hope you’ll fix this, you idiot you.”

“Mhm, I will and then I’m taking you on a long vacation”, he says, kissing your forehead before hugging you against his chest.

You close your eyes, melting into his chest. 

“And when we’re there, I’m gonna make you breakfast and make you cum and make you smile. Yeah?” he whispers.

“Yeah”, you snicker.

He smells like your shower gel today, but you don’t mind. He hasn’t shown such an actual desire to change in months and it feels so good to receive. You love that you love him. You really do. 

“I love you, Yoongi”, you whisper, feeling him squeeze you for just a moment as your confession overwhelms him. 

“I love you too, princess”, he tells you and he is sober for it because he swore to himself that he won’t need alcohol anymore to be able to show you his affection. 

He is willing to better himself, he truly is and a week later, you and he are in his car on your way to a long vacation in the mountains.

[menuliso]

alright i ranted about this on twitter but lowkey i want to see what people on tumblr have to say bc i havent really seen anyone talk about this. though lowkey someone probably already has.

has anyone else noticed a trend in the bkdk space on tiktok of people really insisting that ‘BakuDeku🧡💚’ and ‘bkdk’ are two completely different things? because i have, and i don’t get it.

according to these people, ‘BakuDeku🧡💚’ is the version of bkdk where people mischaracterise them, sexualise them, and are overall ‘weird’ and ‘cringe’. they think it’s problematic. meanwhile, ‘bkdk’, the one they identify as, is ‘according to canon’ and is the ‘slowburn’, ‘right way of shipping bkdk’ and theyre not ‘weird’ or ‘cringe’.

to me, when people say this, it feels like a way to split the fandom up and appear more likable to dudebros and antis. its an ‘us vs them’, its a ‘we’re better than those weird shippers, we’re normal’ thing. and. it really doesn’t make any sense. absolutely no one has used ‘BakuDeku🧡💚’ as a way to display their preferences or opinions or anything,,, it’s just the extended ship name with an emoji combo. this ‘divide’ doesn’t exist, it was invented solely by the self proclaimed ‘normal bkdks’. and they make SUCH a big deal out of this.

the dudebros aren’t going to like you any better because you ship bkdk in a ‘normal’ way. the antis aren’t going to be kinder to you just because you’re not as ‘weird’ as the rest of us. you are in fandom. fandom is weird. it’s been weird since its conception. by splitting fandom up into categories, you are encouraging negativity to sprout up and you are pressuring yourself and other people to stay in the realm of ‘normal’… aka… making fun of other shippers for not being ‘normal’, or being cringe. or staying in the puritanical mindset that anything involving fictional characters doing anything more than kissing is harmful and bad and apparently super bad morally.

be cringe. be free. no one fucking cares. don’t be scared of other people having silly fandom fun. don’t be scared to have silly fandom fun yourself. once you stop hating, and stop caring about the haters, the internet is so much more enjoyable.

[zvdvdlvr]

Can you make something for Wednesday about Her crying and running into r dorm?

⎯ ❝ jellies ❞ | wednesday addams

☆ - synopsis :: Wednesday wasn't used to emotions other than anger, so when there was an odd sensation in her throat and eyes she goes to the one person who could get her sane again.

☆ - warnings :: crying, female reader, ooc wednesday?, sadness, character death (a fictional character kicks the bucket in a double fictional book), aquarium date >:p

☆ - playlist :: track one ,, track two ,, track three ,, track four ,, track five

☆ - notes :: i want to go to the aquarium with her and let her tell me morbid facts about the sea 😝🫂 MALE READER VERSION HERE! (currently in progress!)

☆ - ver. :: female! reader. [MALE READER VERSION HERE! (currently in progress!)]

Wednesday sat back in her seat, letting the hard wood dig into her spine. Tiny needles pricked behind her eyes in a particularly painful way while Wednesday struggled to process the words she just read. The raven haired girl felt her stomach seize in body- a sensation that normally felt thrilling but now made her feel overwhelmed in a bad way.

She kept reading. Wednesday's already cold body grew even colder. She gnawed onher lip and couldn't tell why her vision was blurring- unless she was unaware that she was stabbed and was curently suffering from a bad case of exsanguination.

Despite her discomfort in reading on, Wednesday finished the last few paragraphs of the chapter and started to her girlfriend's dorm.

Flinging the door open, Wednesday stood in the doorway of y/n's dorm. Octavia, y/n's dormmate, was out. y/n was on her bed, doodling in her sketchbook while listening to music at a quiet volume. After a few seconds, y/n looked upto see her visitor. y/n raised a brow at Wednesday's expression.

"You look like you were force fed an orange and then got sentanced to the electric chair," y/n blurted. Her eyes widened at her own words and a part of Wednesday wanted to smirk at her girlfriend's statement.

"I would much rather prefer the electric chair than this... Hell," Wednesday spat as she made her way over to where y/n sat. Shoving the bookmarked book into y/n's hands, the eldest Addams child waited until y/n read what happened with her body frozen. "I hate this. My eyes- my eyes feel odd. Like there is somethi- like I got pepper sprayed. I feel..."

y/n eyed Wednesday. "You feel sad?"

Wednesday shuddered. "Yes," she mumbled.

The two sat in silence. Wednesday relaxed slightly, leaning over slowly until her shoulder touched y/n's. She hd her breath and waited for a reaction- exhaling when y/n rested her head on Wednesday's. "I have an idea. It might help to take your mind off of your book, y'know, until you're ready to start again," y/n spoke up finally.

Wednesday

sighed and opened her eyes. "Only if it involves a handful of screaming victims and a knife," she answered half-heartedly.

y/n detached herself from Wednesday and grabbed keys, her wallet, and took a drink of water from one of her water bottles before moving toward the door. "Even better! Let's go, 'Day."

☆ - ☆ - ☆ -

"Are you allowed to do this?" Wednesday asked with a raised eyebrow as y/n drove down the road, away from the school.

Switching on the radio and her phone, y/n shrugged. "I have my license and a car- pull up the playlist labeled 'late night drives with pookie'- and Weems didn't say I couldn't… It's not like you'd care if we snuck out anyway," y/n smirked, eying Wednesday as she rolled her eyes and pulled up the playlist y/n wanted.

After handing y/n back her phone, Wednesday looked out the window as 'Les' by Childish Gambino filtered through the air. In all honesty, y/n was right: Wednesday didn't care if they got in trouble. It's not like they'd get kicked out for going… well, Wednesday didn't know where they were going but probably nowhere that would get the pair expelled.

"Where are we going?"

y/n smiled at Wednesday's tiny hand unconsciously reaching for y/n's. "An aquarium."

"There aren't any aquariu- oh." They were going out out. Like, out of county probably.

"Do you not want to go?"

No, I want to go. "I couldn't care any less," Wednesday stated, still looking out the window. She didn't see y/n's impish grin as she drove.

About ten minutes into their drive, the lowly rumble of thunder accompanied Lana del Rey's 'Ride'. Night fell slowly, revealing the fading reds and oranges. Wednesday switched between looking at the sky through the window and looking at y/n. y/n had one hand on the wheel and another resting on the centre console.

The drive in total was about an hour and Wednesday would never admit it but she was dozing off. Anyway, y/n got out and pulled a couple twenties from her wallet and put them in her pocket. "Come on, love," she said to Wednesday.

It was still raining a little bit, but the pair didn't mind. As she approached the building, Wednesday observed the stained glass above the entrance. She liked the deep blues and emerald greens and the design. Wednesday just liked stained glass in general.

"Are you looking for any species in particular, Day?" y/n asked happily after paying for both of them.

Wednesday made a mental note to pay y/n back. Yes. "No," she answered shortly.

"Okay," y/n responded in the same tone as before.

The pair passed multiple boring things that neither Wednesday nor y/n payed attention to. Eventually, they both started seeing cooler things. The main three attractions, though, where the piranhas, otters, and jellyfish

They both split apart but made sure to keep within a 10 foot radius of each other. Wednesday wandered to see the piranhas while y/n asked where they were availiable for purchase. After the piranhas, y/n made a point to go see the otters.

Three otters were in the water. Two mostly kept to themselves but the third and smallest otter was proudly showing off. The little guy swam really close to y/n, making her smile brightly at the creatures in front of her.

After prying y/n away from the otter section, the couple found themselves at a door. The door let them down a hall filled with tanks of different species of jellyfish. Wednesday opened the door and they both stepped in.

"Damn," y/n whispered. Because of the late time, there weren't many people at the aquarium, so there wasn't anyone in the jellyfish area.

The lights were so dim you cod probably say they weren't even on. There were small colored lights in the tanks that matched the color that was used to illuminate the words written in the plaque near the tanks that talks about the jelly.

Wednesday awkwardly grasped y/n's hand and they started looking at the jellyfish. Sea nettles, small compass jellies and one tiny immortal jellyfish all pulsed around the water, reflecting the wonder on y/n's features- something Wednesday didn't see much of.

"I love jellyfish, Wednesday Addams," y/n murmured, watching the boneless creatures with soft eyes.

Wednesday didn't know it but she looked at y/n the same way she looked at the jellies. "I am observant enough to know that on my own," she replied quietly. "Jellyfish kill eight times as many people per year than sharks."

"I bet."

A comfortable quiet fell over the two as they kept walking. Wednesday didn't really remember much- she was too busy watching y/n. Wednesday hadn't seen y/n like this ever. It was nice, actually, to see her enjoyment. Maybe she wanted an excuse to leave the school and used Wednesday's… emotions as said excuse. In any case, Wednesday was having a pleasantly calm time.

"Moon jellies," y/n whispered to herself. She unthreaded her fingers from Wednesday's and walked over to the open tank that sat just near the exit. The lighting had gotten brighter, revealing a sign that said 'MOON JELLYFISH- SAFE TO TOUCH! DO NOT REMOVE FROM WATER OR TRY TO CONSUME'. A smaller sign was taped to the previous saying that the attendant will be back shortly.

"Are you going to touch one?" y/n asked, rolling up her sleeves. "They're considered safe to touch because the moon jellyfish's sting isn't powerful enough to penetrate human skin. Just… in case you didn't know," y/n explained.

"I know. I do not want to touch the Aurelia aurita," she answered.

She watch y/n dip her hand into the cold water and let her fingers brush the bell of one of the medium sized jellies. y/n let out a breathless laugh, running a knuckle over another bell of a small jellyfish. "So tiny," she mumbled, twirling her finger around the water above a jellyfish barely even six inches.

"Move," Wednesday said, rolling up her sweater sleeve. She mirrored y/n's actions, petting the jellyfish's bell. Despite the frigid water, Wednesday felt a warmth form in her lower belly that spread up her sternum and down her arms and into her head. She felt the warmth travel down her legs and settle into her toes as she basked in the presence of her beautiful girlfriend.

☆ - ☆ - ☆ - bonus

"Did that… take your mind off of your book, love?" y/n asked when they slid into a booth of a lone Steak 'n Shake.

"Yes. It did. Th-I appreciate it. Thank you, y/n." Wednesday's stutter made y/n chuckle.

"Of course, darling."

[proshipconfessions]

I fucking hate antis. I used to be one, and I am still SURROUNDED by all this “liking fictional CSA means you’re icky and one of the bad victims and YOU WILL DO IT IRL!!!!” Bullshit.

People I admire and look up to end up saying it. My “friends” end up saying it. It’s everywhere. I often feel like I can’t trust anyone, not even my close friends who have already told me they don’t care what I’m into.

it’s terrifying. ive seen what antis have done to us, I’ve seen how easy it is for people like me to be exposed. I’ve seen how people will see you as nothing but the filth that soils everybody’s shoes; or the sick, drooling predators just waiting to strike. I’ve seen how people are isolated, abandoned, and even driven to kill themselves because Society just doesn’t fucking like freaks. And everybody on this app says that “most people are proship!!! It’s the normal opinion!! We’re the normal ones!!! ”

I CAN NEVER BELIEVE IT. where the fuck do you live??? People abhor my gayness. People abhor my true gender identity. People abhor the way I carry myself as an autistic person. PEOPLE HATE, SO FUCKING MUCH, and they hate what they think is weird. People don’t even get that Lolita isn’t endorsing what the main character does. if it’s so normal, then why is it so much MORE normal for people to react to the concept of lolicon with “oh, they must be nasty hairy pedophiles living in their mothers basements with tons of CP. it should be illegal!”? if it’s so normal, why is it more normal for self-righteous video essay YouTubers to treat “booktok girlies” like crass, pitiful zoo animals for liking taboo shit in their spice novels? Why do they always come to the conclusion that they’re all stupid old cunts who could never tell the difference between fictional abuse and real abuse?

if it’s so normal, then why is it more normal for people to make this fake binary of “proper, real sexual violence fiction” and “filthy, romanticizing sexual violence fiction?”

People in general Might understand you if you just say you make art about dark subjects. They might be “normal” about that.

But I know full and well that it would be a different story if I bring up fictional incest or CSA. It would be an especially different story if I mentioned that its not to cope with trauma, just to get off on.

…I probably have trust issues, and I have antis to thank for that. It’s getting so common in the media. I’m so sick of people telling me it’s commonly accepted. It is NOT. What I write is gross, triggering to most and seen as immoral to SO many people. Even people I love.

I make new friends, but I don’t let them get close. I’m always terrified/constantly thinking about them discovering that I’m a freak and leaving me— or worse, outing me to others. it’s actually why I’m too scared to start posting like I used to on tumblr. I know what I am. I don’t try to delude myself into thinking I’m “normal.” I am not, and maybe that’s okay.

I hate antis for what they’ve shaped me into. How their rhetoric that I clung to in fear for so long had shaped me into an uncaring, virtue-signaling asshole. I hate them for how I crumbled when I discovered I had become the very thing that my friends and role models swear to destroy. I hate their logic for getting into almost every fucking crevice of the internet and even my peers’ beliefs. This stuff ruined my mental state.

———

[animentality]

It's tough because I hate the Astarion haters on Reddit, who are just misogynistic and homophobic and dismissive of the character because they hate how gay he acts and also how many women love him.

but I also hate BookTok Astarion fangirls who feel the need to assert how superior Astarion is on every fucking Gale, Wyll, Halsin, Shadowheart, Minthara, Lae'zel, Karlach or pretty much any BG3 video at all. Like we get it. He's white.

And then I'm ambivalent on the Tumblr Astarion fans because there are the people who simply like him and make fun art and fun meta analysis about him, and then there are the people in my inbox currently telling me that Astarion's Ascended ending is morally correct and it's not a bad ending for the character, and if I disagree, then I hate women.

You're correct that I hate women, but it has nothing to do with Astarion.

Also, I once again point out, that your own husbando literally tells you outright in both endings that being Ascended ruins/ruined who he used to be and also your love for one another.

Your man literally says that your love would have been corrupted by becoming his spawn, and you still cling to the idea that your character is living happily ever after.

He's not making you a vampire queen, he's making you a vampire pet. And it's fine to like that ending. I don't care if you LIKE bad, unhappy endings. That is your prerogative. But you are simply incorrect if you say that it's the "happy" ending for the character, when it clearly is not.

No one ever said you had to use your skull for anything other than cold cut storage, I just don't see why it's even necessary to argue your point to me.

Stay in your Astarion echo chamber, and block me. I don't have time or energy to block all of you.

Anyway.

It sucks because I really like Astarion, he's my favorite love interest.

I really enjoy his storyline and his growth as a person and how sweet he is. He's also very funny. All the companions have great voice acting behind them, but Neil really knocked it out of the park, and I honestly think the character would be far less popular if they'd picked any other actor.

But the fandom around him is just...awful.

It's a mixed bag of normal, unnormal in a fun way, and unnormal in a "you need to fucking step off in this Walmart bitch" way.

It's why I'd rather interact with Dark Urge and Gortash fans.

Much smaller subset of the fandom, so I don't have to deal with the generic crazies, and we're all such freaks that we don't feel the need to go around acting like Gortash is a good person.

I also only ever see people saying these two are fucking disgusting and horrible and I'd murder them in real life and honestly, true and based.

No happy endings for those two, and that's fine for me. In fact, it's great.

See, Astarion girlies, this is called...knowing your ship doesn't deserve a happy ending after all they have done, and knowing it wouldn't be a happy ending if they got together, but being able to acknowledge that and not get bent out of shape trying to justify it.

Stop tying your irl morality to your tastes in fiction.

I never said that liking the ascended ending made you a bad person in real life.

I just said that pretending it's good and happy and great and not continuing the cycle of abuse, is factually incorrect.

And it is.

Every single bad ending for all the love interests is literally continuing the cycle of abuse. Why would Astarion's be any different?

But maybe I'm being bold in assuming you even know the other love interests exist or have stories. Maybe you don't even know the general story of baldur's gate 3, because it is, as you say, the vampire dating sim, and it's definitely not about anything other than banging the sexy vampire.

Media literacy weeps.

Anyway.

Not ruining my enjoyment of the game.

Just my general tolerance for the fandom that is not Durge and Gortash obsessed.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i think you're onto something with the romance novels world and plot points needing to mirror the kind of outlandishness of the love story. bc the main characters are already inherently acting absurd just by falling madly in love in a month or whatever and then if you add in the contrivances of romance tropes, it starts to feel like whiplash trying to pretend the characters live in any sort of grounded "normal" world. Like when the author adds in a family conflict subplot where the MC is like in absolute shambles because her mom said something slightly passive aggressive at lunch. that reads as more jarring to me than like conflict being something ridiculous that her mom doesn't want her being a marine biologist bc they come from a long line of fishmongers. Give me absurd drama to match the over the top dialogue and character emotions, I knew it would be unrealistic it's a romance novel! I guess this applies more to romcoms, but the same would apply I think to an analogous serious scenario. Or at least that's my take on it

okay so having just finished genuinely the most boring romance novel I have ever read in my LIFE I'm going to expand on this a little so thank you for sending an ask that gives me such a great platform to do that

I personally generally prefer a romance that just gets fucking silly with it, like really outlandish. A Lady for the Duke (Alexis Hall) is obviously the dream, being a whole swoony historical trans-affirming fantasy, but contemporary fake relationship stories can also be fun in their sheer ridiculousness, like Love, Hate, and Clickbait (Liz Bowery), which I actually liked, and Unfortunately Yours (Tessa Bailey), which I did not like but was very funny. and let's not forget queen Helen Hoang's Bride Test, which has a premise that dances perilously close to human trafficking but all works out in the end!!!

BUT HAVING SAID THAT. I don't think that something needs to be totally implausible to be a good romance. two of my very favorites romance novels anywhere ever are Helen Hoang's Heart Principle (no one should be surprised Hoang is on her twice I adore her) and Akwaeke Emezi's You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty. both of these books are very grounded in reality but with very uncommon situations to heighten emotions and add urgency; in Hoang's case it's a character's adult autism diagnosis + death of a parent and in Emezi's case it's a very sudden and #problematic attraction coming out of absolutely nowhere. the stakes are very real, mostly centering around being true to yourself v disappointing your family, but the circumstances are still wild enough to make you say "god DAMN" and keep turning pages. hell, I'll even be extremely generous and include Mistakes Were Made (Meryl Wilsner) which is kind of a flop but does have the intriguing premise of "what if you were fucking a milf but her kid was YOUR BEST FRIEND and it was a secret?"

those are like the two sweet spots TO ME, and this book I just read (which was Thank You for Sharing by Rachel Runya Katz, I feel so bad putting it on blast but I know people are going to ask) really solidified it for me because TYFS didn't fall into either of those categories. I'm going to say something absolutely insane, which is that multiple times while I was reading it I found myself wishing that the book was fanfic, because on its own it just... didn't bring a lot to the table? it falls into the grounded category but doesn't really bring any of those heightened stakes to the story, it's just 330 pages of people in their late twenties complaining about dating and their office jobs. if I wanted that I could just ask my group chat! there's nothing particularly particularly gripping about watching made up strangers do it!

but then I was like oh hang on... if this was two fictional characters who are usually fighting with swords or throwing cars at each other or something this would be so gripping. it's literally the coffee shop AU principle, right? like seeing people in a very mundane setting having an office job and going to a bar is very shrimpteresting when they're normally defusing space bombs. I was explaining this to my housemates and I couldn't think of a straight couple to apply it to (the book is m/f) so I said Naruto and Sasuke, which is crazy because I've never seen a single episode of Naruto, but like. idk Naruto being a museum curator who has to work with Sasuke, a marketing specialist who he had beef with a summer camp 14 years ago, sounds kind of compelling, right? definitely more than just two people I don't know.

there's a post on here that I think about a lot that talks about why advertising a story with tropes doesn't work for original fiction as well as it does for fan fic because knowing the tropes is more helpful when you already have a sense of investment in the characters and their personalities, and I think this is related to that! I think sometimes you NEED to have a wider sense of scope for the characters for them to be interesting in a very mundane setting!

ANYWAY. much to consider, etc.

[witchthewriter]

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐬/𝐨 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞

⤷ gender neutral, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!  

a/n: all characters are over the age of 18! :)

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ      

ENTP

Ravenclaw

Chaotic Good

Gemini Sun, Aries Moon, Aquarius Rising

𝑺𝑭𝑾🌿

・You’re light in not only Stiles’ life, but the whole group. 

・They come to you when life feels too much. 

・You’re there with the kettle on, ready to hear their problems and read their tea leaves

・There’s always an animal worming their way around your legs, either a cat or one of your dogs

・You adopt as many animals as you can, usually from Alan Deaton, the vet. 

・Scott likes you because you bring a sense of calm to Stiles’ chaos

・And Stiles didn’t realise he had a crush on you until Scott pointed it out.

・You constantly have to bring Stiles back down to earth. His mind is constantly racing and thinking about the next problem

・Stiles couldn’t help but fall in love with you. You were always so kind to him. When everyone else thought he was ‘too much’, you couldn’t get enough

・ It was your smile that did it for Stiles. That sweet, sometimes mischievous smile. 

・You originally thought Stiles was one of those sceptics that brushed the existence of magic as mere fiction

・But Stiles was the first one to believe in your witchcraft:

     “We have werewolves, Banshees and god knows what else. A witch seems the most realistic.”

・When the group doesn’t have any leads, they come to you for help. It’s not easy being a witch. It uses a lot of energy. You can do locating spells, but it drains you a lot

・Stiles hates coming to you for help because he knows how much it physically costs you 

・Some teenagers like to graffiti your home - but they can only do it once. You’ve cast a spell so whoever tries to do it again loses their ability to talk normally

・It also means you know who’s been doing it

・Because parents panic and news always travels around town, the graffiti is next to non-existent now (also because Stiles makes sure to clean it off before you notice)

・He can be very, very stubborn. And often thinks he knows what is best. 

・But he’s also ... very honest. So you know when he’s lying (he’s so bad at it):

     “Stiles...tell me the truth.”

“The truth is ... that ... I ... am...- okay god stop looking at me like that.”

・Likes cuddling A LOT. But is fussy, and if he can’t get perfectly comfortable, then he wants to be the little spoon.

・Is a really heavy sleeper, and whenever he stays over at your place he’s the last to wake up

・LOVES when you make his favourite food. Literally falls in love, not even being dramatic. His mind is like ‘this is the one. I’m keeping them.’

・Loyal to. a. fault. Will die for you, will do everything in his power to keep you safe and out of danger. That’s another reason why he doesn’t like getting you involved in the supernatural stuff. 

・You know exactly what he’s thinking, because you can see it clearly on his face. 

・ “Stiles, do you tell my secrets to Scott?” 

“Ugh, not the really secretive ones?”

・Sheriff Stilinksi loves you, he thinks you’re great for Stiles. You make his chaos less ... chaotic. He was a bit apprehensive about your witchcraft at first, but then he had the same outlook as Stiles. “At least you’re not a ...hellhound or something.”

・Stiles NEVER fails to make you laugh 

・You find the most random things in his car. Ducktape, a metal baseball bat, keys to many, many buildings, rope. You asked him if he had a first aid kit, since he had everything else, and his eyes glazed over. 

   “I KNEW I was forgetting something. God!” 

・You make protection amulets for him, and give him crystals. He doesn’t understand but takes them wholeheartedly anyway

・His favourite crystals are labradorite (”because I like when it shines, duh”), malachite and blue tiger’s eye 

・Vending machines are his mortal enemy and if he sees one he forbids you from using it (you use it anyway)

・Having weekly meals at his father’s place 

・You were really really good friends with Allison, and her death was heavy for you. 

・Adores going to metaphysical stores with you. He picked out a deck of tarot cards (wants to pay but you never let him. So he tries to gift you as many things as you’ll need, so he can buy them)

𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝑷𝒆𝒕 𝑵𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒀𝒐𝒖: You’d think he would be very open with nicknames for you. But he’s very embarrassed by it. Not embarrassed of you, but of showing you verbal affection. After being in a stable relationship for a while, he would start calling you names like ‘sweetheart,’ or ‘honey’, especially when you weren’t listening to his warnings

𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝑳𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒖𝒂𝒈𝒆: Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. He’s always on the go and can feel like you aren’t a part of his world. But you always make sure to leave little trinkets in his pockets or in his car. 

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈:

Romantic Flight by John Powell

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔:

Chaotic Dumbass (Stiles) x Oh God That’s My Chaotic Dumbass (You)

Gifts Rocks As Gifts x Takes The Rocks Without Question

Talks A Lot (Stiles) x Likes To Listen (You)

 𝑹𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆:

It’s Always Been You

[franzkafkagf]

What do you think of the choice to make Aegon a rapist? That's the whole thing that really turned me off his character originally & I think it's a shame they went that route because he genuinely seemed so interesting. ( Though I don't expect everyone to have the same reaction it's all fiction and I can empathize with fictional murderers just fine so it's just a personal thing )

Your Aegonposting did kind of changed how I felt about him tho!

Hi anon! First things first thank you lmao!! It's wild to hear that people actually change their opinion/feelings on Aegon based on my ramblings! <3 (For the uninitiated: #aegonposting)

Honestly, him being a rapist in the show does not bother me as much as it bothers other Aegon girls (I understand hating the decision, though)— the implications are there in Fire & Blood (he was known to be promiscuous and to fondle serving girls even as a younger boy) -> him being a rapist is not really that big of a jump from his "characterization" (using this term loosely because we know so little of F&B Aegon).

I didn't even have that much of a problem with introducing him as a rapist in episode 8— the thing that bothers me most is that they had 8 minutes (so odd to give adult Aegon so little screentime!) to establish Aegon as a character and they decided to load so many negative traits onto him that the audience automatically saw him as a Joffrey-like figure when he is pretty clearly not that. The fighting pits was a very… interesting choice.

Now they're trying to give him other traits and people scream OOC— I already had some of those in my askbox. It's very bizarre because, as I said, we have seen adult Aegon for only 8 minutes, most of that screentime he was going through a lot -> we have not seen how Aegon acts normally and it's frustrating to see people act like they already know everything there is to know of Aegon.

Particularly grating is the entire debate on him being a proud/good father; being somewhat of a distant / uninvolved parent can definitely coexist with loving your children fiercely.

Getting back to your question on him being a rapist, I see the choice to portray him like that as a commentary on the broader rape culture that exists in Westeros. Theirs is a society that is so deeply entrenched in misogynistic traditions and practices, where women are often treated as commodities and men are raised with a sense of entitlement over their bodies.

In ASOIAF, noblemen are frequently seen visiting brothels, viewing it as a normal and even expected activity— the act of buying sex in itself it not bad, but it becomes violent when you realize how many of the women in westerosi brothels were sold against their will and are working under unfair indentures.

This normalization of brothels, where many women are forced into working against their will, reflects the casual acceptance of sexual exploitation and the use of women for the pleasure of men.

The tradition of First Night is another example of the institutionalized misogyny in Westeros. Though it’s mostly looked down upon in present-day Westeros, this tradition allowed lords the privilege of “taking” the bride of their vassals on their wedding night.

Aegon himself is also an example of the problematic views on consent and autonomy within Westerosi culture. His forced marriage to Helaena highlights how even the nobility often has little control over their own bodies and destinies. Both Aegon and Helaena were forced into their union to serve as pawns and nothing more. They could not and did not consent to what they were forced to do.

This lack of autonomy over one's own body is further illustrated by Aegon's behavior. He brought Aemond to a brothel to lose his virginity at the age of thirteen, suggesting that Aegon himself had likely experienced something similar, why else should he see it as a necessity for Aemond to do the same? This cycle of abuse and distorted views on sexuality perpetuates the culture of normalized sexual exploitation and a fundamental misunderstanding of consent.

Some shameless self-promo, I actually deal with Aegon's fucked up views on sex and consent in my fic The Dog Days Are Over give it a read if you’re interested in the topic.

When considering Aegon's character and the choice to make him a rapist, it's important to recognize the narrative purpose it serves. While it may turn some people off, it also provides a deeper understanding of his place in the culture and how young men are socialized in a feudal society. It highlights how systemic rape culture and the normalization of sexual exploitation can corrupt young men, even those who might otherwise be good people.

[deadkidcourt]

deadkidcourt : our tale of system discovery

I've always been scared of being publicly out about my system, more posts i see from other systems has given me some courage. i like being able to see those posts and see our system or aspects of us in them. I've never publicly spoke of my diagnosis being scared that when people find out that I'm not medically recognized that the fakeclaiming will become really bad. i already deal with so much denial of my own that I've been so scared of rejection from other systems.

we have done extensive research, we have always been very self aware and would never self diagnose without a fuck-ton of research to back it up. we'd always felt like multiple people but not in the way we feel like it now. we'd always been kind of name fluid, loving trying on different names and pronouns. i thought for a long time that, that's how multi-gendered and people who used xenogenders felt.

as time went on, we would have phases feeling girly, wanting a hyperfem gender presentation, and then we would flip 100% and get highly upset even being thought of a girl. even as a child i would act completely different to how i was, and my parents would get highly upset because they felt they didn't know me. saying things like you're acting like a completely different person, but in those times i would get really sad because i was just acting how i felt.

i would often be told i was lying, because one day I'd really like something and the next i hate it with everything in me. people thought i was faking my personality to fit in, but i was just that different. as a teenager i learned about osddid but thought, oh that can't be me! I remember all my trauma! I'm just me! until i met a friend who was a system and learned that alot of how we felt and the things we did were not that of a singlet. that was in 2019, we questioned for a year and thought we were just making things up for attention and to seem interesting (it's not for attention if you're doing it when you're alone.)

i have known about maladaptive daydreaming since i was a child, it was what saved me from most of my trauma. being able to escape to a fake world, but the ‘characters’ didn't change, at least not three of them. we would have random fictional characters show up to, that we would then have a high identity kin with and could never understand why other people didn't connect with characters like that.

one was a girl that always got mad when i was hurting, i thought she was an imaginary friend. someone my brain created to help me feel better about my situation, and then when i was about nine. she would start taking over my body, fighting with our parents when they would act wrong, but after that i would be in control again scared of the repercussions of her actions. this continued for years, i thought everyone made up people in their head to help them and protect them. that's not the case.

in 2021 (roughly) we became highly obsessed with fnaf, circus baby in particular. so much so, we couldn't befriend people online with her as a profile picture. this got bad enough that when a close friend set her discord avatar as glam rock baby (fan design), we had a full breakdown.

all we could think and feel is, that is me, i am that person you cant use that picture thats me and youre not me stop stop stop. our husband has to talk us down, and we kindly asked the friend to not use that character because of the distress we felt about it. we thought that was fictionkin, but it was so distressing and upsetting we had a weeklong disassociative episode and i thought that was just normal. we know now about pur circus baby fictive and have done work to source seperate so as to not have breakdowns and episodes like that again.

now, here's where things get tricky because the memory isn't really there. but from them until this year we fought with ourselves about our self diagnosis, always discrediting our trauma, and symptoms. it wasn't until we told our husband about all of our trauma that he helped us understand how drastic that was especially to a child's mind.

then we started researching, we researched off an on for three years. sometimes noting some people in our brain that we met, but it didn't work because we weren't ready to come to terms with it. the denial was ao bad.

in january of 2024, we had what i know now as a frontstuck host that finally got unstuck and everything started to fall into place for us. we were able to integrate and lose some of our amnesia barriers and i was able to meet some of our alters. it was helpful that our husband was around, because he was able to notice symptoms and changes in our prescence that we couldn't see.

he was able to differentiate between the main four frequent fronters we had at the time and was very patient with us and did research of his own to help us. we tried keeping a notebook, able to see differences in our handwriting and vocabulary choices. the way we dress would change, one loves all dark big clothing while another alter loves showing skin with pastel colors, and another one that just wants to be comfortable. small things like that made it easy to start to see the patterns in our switching. and with learning more, i realized my amnesia is not as cut and dry as i thought it would be. i can remember the bad things but not last week, or last month or yesterday.

there's only ever been one part of our system that we can't seem to wrap our head around. our splitting patterns, and fusing patterns. we have decently good communication, very low amnesia barriers between switching, and i have low access to innerworld. that was all great, but then we started splitting alot, or discovering alot of alters. there would be like 5 alters and 15 fragments and as time went on, i noticed how easily we split fictive fragments and those fragments (usually 2-4 of them) would fuse to make a whole alter. but that alter would have several sources, that always made us feel like we were wrong or perhaps that our system has lied to us. either of which could be true, we don't really care. we just try to take care of ourselves and we try to welcome any newbies to our headspace as gently as we can. we had incorrectly thought that introjects had to have one source, and that set us back on our healing alot. that and we tend to fuse semi-easily and thought we we're lying about our system because of that.

now we just take everything one step at a time, try to meet new alters and talk to them while not forcing it a whole lot. i hope our journey can help you. I'm not the most educated person (i try tho!) so please if I'm wrong about something or something let me know, KINDLY.

- ronnie 💣 and remi 🦨

[girlfromthecrypt]

i really love that your characters aren't like perfect and conventionally attractive if that makes sense? like basil having top surgery scars and just BEING trans and still being someone who's implied to be attractive, or small stuff like flo not being super toned idk it just makes me feel really happy that for once it's an IF whos potential romantic interests aren't "bland actual fucking supermodel", "bland actual fucking supermodel but with red hair" and "bland actual supermodel but 5'10"

sorry for rambling it's just like a game where I feel comfortable, that like in universe I wouldn't be given shit about what I look like y'know

also I liked Basil's joke about the MC (I assume this is only when picking the short option) being the same size as some of the kids. it made it feel like friendly and real

THANK YOU I'm serious this particular thing means so much to me.

I very much intend for my characters to be attractive, but each in their own way, not like the "bland supermodels" you described. Bc that's so real. In most romance fiction (not just IFs), I find that sooo many characters are just boringly beautiful. I have a hard time falling in love with the characters bc of that.

Also, I want each of my ROs to look according to what they do. Their appearance should suit their personalities and needs. Besides, "flaws" totally add to a character's charm imo.

-RO ramble incoming!-

To me at least, the SHC ROs are very attractive, but like in a normal, approachable way. I put a lot of thought into their specific kinds of attractiveness.

Basil is very attractive!! In a fox-like, impish kind of way, with his fairycore vibes and whatnot. I also love that you said "supermodel but 5'10" like 5'10 is short or sth lol. But I see what you mean! Basil, of course, is like 5'8 but I like to think anyone who meets Basil would be too distracted by the entire rest of him to even consider height. Besides, to me (I be gremlin) that's still kinda tall.

I figure being trans doesn't really factor into his attractiveness at all. From your ask, it sounds like trans people get described as ugly in a lot of fiction?? I wouldn't know, but if that's what you were saying, then that's a sorry state of affairs.

Flo is also attractive, in more of a "conventional masculinity"-type of way. But he's not well-dressed because he hates the feel of most fabrics, so he's only ever in his sweater. And of course he's not super defined! He has NO interest in being super handsome (aside from keeping his hair and beard shiny). He wants to be a tank. And he is a tank.

And if you consider how much food he consumes in the fairground-sequence alone (cheesecake, around five deep fried candy bars).... Yeah he loves to eat. Hence, he's got a bit of padding lol. There's no technical reason for the large nose ofc, I just thought that was cute.

Reem is the most "supermodel"-esque out of the ROs, I think. Although that's subjective. She's actually toned, but like... also very noticeably muscular. In that defined kinda way I might have intentionally avoided with Flo! But like, it makes sense that Reem would build abs and stuff for herself. She values her stage presence. She does want her performances and looks and outfits to be memorable, and HERSELF to be memorable. She's just raw, brutal magnetism. (Also I might have gotten inspired by BG3 Karlach when I first came up with Reem.)

Anita is pretty, too, but in like... a "cute" way. A Velma kind of way. With her, like, really thick glasses. Anita's appealing in a wispy, ethereal kind of sense. Or perhaps even slightly girl-next-door-ish, with an added academia vibe. Also, she's slim, not model-slim but "I forgot to eat/I'm stressed and have no appetite"-slim. This is really important to me. Will come up in the story, too. With that also comes her bad posture. She slouches a lot.

So yeah the ROs' attractiveness is rly something I put thought into, and I'm super happy you noticed. Makes my entire day whenever I get an ask like that. Thank you!

Also yeah hehe I was proud of that joke

[stargazer-sims]

pointless rambling below the cut...

I accidentally deleted my post from yesterday where I mentioned wanting to retcon timelines to remove child characters because it almost never fails that when I make my OCs have a child, I stop being interested in them. But anyway, maybe having to start over with a new post is good, because it gives me a chance to elaborate and to be in less of a mood about it. I'm still not happy with my writing lately, but that's not entirely connected to the child character issue. That's more of a me problem.

So, first off, let me just say that I'm not opposed to child characters in general, either in my work or in another writer's work. I have no problem "going back in time" and writing my established OCs as children, and I also see the utility of having a child character if their purpose is to advance the plot.

My problem is that when i give my established characters a child or children, it almost invariably feels awkward, burdensome or just plain forced and wrong, either from my perspective as the writer or from the perspective of the character(s) themselves.

That having been said, it's not normal or realistic for people (and characters in a realistic setting) to not have children. At least some characters must have them, because that's what many normal adults do, and it wouldn't be a credible setting if literally no one had kids. Enter the child characters, whether I want them or not.

It's not just the fact of the child characters being children that bothers me either, because even time-skipping to a point where they're teenagers doesn't fix it. Logically, they had to be babies and children at some point, and well-developed parent characters can't reasonably be expected to have no memories or feelings about that.

And it occurred to me that I can't actually retcon anyone's timeline and be comfortable with it. I mean... I could, but that would fundamentally change what I feel is canon (for better or worse) and would completely negate entire stories such as Au Ciel Étoilé and Caroline & Co.

So, I guess what i really get to do is explore the parent characters' feelings of regret, resentment, fear, frustration, loss of individual identity and loss of freedom in the cases where I probably should not have added child characters to the mix. It's not that these characters hate their kids - the majority of them love their kids - but that doesn't take away from the thought that their lives would be vastly different (and in some cases happier and better) without children.

Yuri, for example, should never have been a parent. He doesn't like children and doesn't like being a parent, and even though he's learned to live as a parent and be a good one, there'll always be an undercurrent of resentment there whether he's fully aware of it or not. He and Caroline love each other, but they don't necessarily like each other, and Caroline knows just as well as Yuri does that Victor is the glue holding the two of them together.

I actually feel bad for forcing Yuri into that corner. The experience has made him grow, but it also ruined the image of the future he wanted and pushed a wedge (tiny, but still...) between him and Victor that he's constantly trying to pretend does not exist.

Fox and Takahiro, my "super parents", completely lost their individual identities when they became parents. They absolutely love their kids and find immense joy in parenthood, and definitely should be parents, but for me as their author, they are no longer of much interest to me as characters themselves.

With Au Ciel Étoilé, I feel like almost every character, with the exception of Félix and Davian, are there for the sole purpose of having a child. Even though the premise of the story is weird and kind of science fiction-y, I think the real reason I lost interest in it was because it was basically "have kid, end of story".

I think Caroline is the character I regret the most, honestly. On her own, she's very interesting to me as a character, but I think she would've been equally interesting with different parents. I went back and forth on whether or not to even add her to the same universe as Yuri and Victor, to say nothing of how much I wavered on whether or not to make her their foster child. While I can't deny the bond between Caroline and Victor, I also can't reconcile the idea that it came at a cost to Yuri, who never wanted to be a parent.

It's perfectly in-character for Yuri to agree to foster Caroline even though he wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with it, though. That's kind of his M.O., doing stuff that Victor wants, even if he doesn't necessarily want it himself. It was a difficult adjustment for Yuri to have a kid around, and although he can't imagine his life without Caroline in it at this point, he often wonders what it would've been like if he'd said no in the first place. Of course, this isn't something he feels he could ever say out loud. Like a lot of things, he's just learned to accept and live with it.

Ironically enough, the child character I'm the least put off by is Belle Blanchet, even though she's not all that interesting. Maybe it's because Félix and Davian don't really think of themselves as "parents" in the traditional sense, and have always treated Belle almost like another adult. Belle isn't a psychological or literal burden to them and almost nothing has changed about their lifestyle. They're still the globe-trotting, thrill-seeking party animals they always were, and Belle is more or less along for the ride.

I don't know... There are probably a dozen story ideas in all of this, now that I see it all written out. Ugh...

[lottieurl]

incoherent travis related ramblings ahead. proceed with caution

so an anon wanted to know what i meant by calling travis's arc a deconstruction of gender and i'm not sure if i can properly word anything that's bouncing around my skull but here's to trying. so i think there are a lot of interesting writing decisions for travis even early on (now that we know where they take his character after that) like even in the first half of s1 where he's honestly making it so hard not to dislike him it's clear all that toxic masculinity is hurting him as well and he basically hides behind misogyny. he avoids being vulnerable around nat by lashing out at her with misogynistic insults just to stop her from seeing his insecurities. he makes other misogynistic comments around the girls seemingly just to keep them at arm's length. and normally that's something that makes a space unsafe for girls and women. a guy who seems to be bad at controlling his emotions and who is vocally misogynistic is a red flag both in real life and in fiction. and they put him with nat! and yes on first watch i Hated that. we learn that nat had a misogynistic violent father and then travis points a gun at her and shames her for her sex life. but what they do next though is so.. fascinating. doomcoming comes around and travis is taken advantage of and assaulted in a way we are used to seeing female characters being treated on screen (and honestly in the way that is common for most women to fear in real life). he's drugged, he gets kind of pressured into having sex he clearly didn't really want to have and then gets sexually assaulted. i think it does say something interesting about power and thus is a deconstruction of gender in a way and kind of refreshing in that it doesn't shy away from showing that. especially when there still is a persistent "feminist" view (hinging on bioessentialism and cissexism really) that argues men's violence is some inherent part of men as a whole that women aren't capable of on the basis of gender or even more to the point on the basis of their biology/"sex"

like i think it's narratively so good? because you're primed to think like. he's the danger. he lashes out and he's misogynistic. but they're in the wilderness where the power dynamics of regular society that they're from no longer apply and so he's in danger now by virtue of being a guy their age (which actually parallels the way ben in s1 is stripped of all his authority AND his health is put at risk because of a girl's crush on him) like all jokes aside and all gay headcanons aside there is obviously heteronormative framing that most of those girls look at the world through. and they're all drugged and traumatized and he very much becomes the target Because of his gender. even would go as far as to say around 1x08 is where travis becomes objectified (which in turn makes that scene from the first lake scene where they're like is he actually hot? kind of dreadful) and so what that means is that for him to stop being A Target is to become one of them which is what we see in s2 and what we call girlcoding of travis martinez lol

plus what kevin said about him wanting to belong in a group is really interesting. and i love the way his interactions with the rest shift in s2. him being A Guy is a huge part of s1. like he's not one of them not because he's not on the team - neither is misty she literally just carries equipment - but because he's a guy. and he does as much to alienate himself from them as they do to other him in turn. but in s2 TO ME it very much feels like his gender stopped being relevant and through that he removed the target from his back. and that happens through him joining them in all the rituals which neither ben or javi ever do. travis the first ever genuinely girlcoded character (real not clickbait)

[mimithelion]

I love furina so much, I hate the infantalization of her sm it's not even funny. I was talking about this to my friend yesterday and it's genuinely infuriating, so let's start

1. Her backstory was extremely sad and it made the fandom feel sympathy for her (as it should). But it really does get to a point. The fandom instantly started babying her and turning her into a "Traumatized silly who eats cake 🥺". I really hate to bring this up, but regarding how people in the fandom treat neuvifuri just says it all. "Furina's literally his daughter" She's a grown ass woman who's his FRIEND 😭. That is a popular headcanon, one that I genuinely hate because it's literally just another way y'all baby her. The fanart with this headcanon just says it all, with furina being extremely short and being insufferable to neuvilette for some reason.

2. The reaction you get when you find her attractive in the same way people find characters like yelan, chlorinde and ei attractive. She's short (like most of the female cast) and flat chested so people think that makes her a child. "She's cute not hot" it low-key just shows how half you people who were "excited" about her not being oversexualized and having normal body proportions aren't actually all that accepting, because the second you aren't curvy like the other female characters, they instantly see them as a child.

3. "She's one of wriolette's children!" ☠️ No hate to normal wriolette enjoyers but the main reason why this fandom sees her as a child is because of this ship. For some reason, this fandom thinks female characters get in the way of gay ships, so they have to make them pick-mes or children. Same thing in the hsr fandom, with mozeqiu and how they babied feixiao.

4. 98% of her fanbase has an extreme victim complex and it's genuinely concerning. Most of the genuinely bad Furina hate stopped after 4.2 when her backstory was released. Everyone had a valid reason to dislike furina before her backstory dropped because nobody likes an 'bratty' archon who SEEMINGLY does not do their job, especially after a lot of us were hyped for a female character who could do her job instead of abusing her people for a couple hundred years and then instantly being forgiven..⚡ "proud to say I never hated furina" I know 50% of people who say ts are lying LMAO. She's also a fictional character. Dislike her if you want, you're not a misogynist.

5. Too much focus on her trauma, it's been months, I get it, it's tragic, but what else? Y'all done gave her the aventurine treatment and then claimed to love her ☠️

6. I understand headcanoning her as aroace for fun but I can tell when it's because y'all don't like a certain ship, it's just another way to baby her. "She needs healing, not a boyfriend!" And it's coming from a wriolette shipper?? Neuvilette needs healing too but I don't see you headcanoning him as aroace. Fandom acts like significant others are just people who hurt you more, like you can heal WITH the person bro 😭👻.

Anyways, thanks for reading, Mimi blesses you :3

@ironunderstands friend I talked to yesterday go follow them 🧍🏽‍♀️

[positivelybeastly]

Does the x-office hate beast?

Cynically: yes.

Less cynically: it's complicated?

Like, here's the thing, right - Beast fans are . . . kinda rare. Sure, there's tons of people who saw the 90s cartoon and really liked him, there are tons of people who saw X-Men 3 and liked him there, there's a whole (almost separate) community of people who are still writing X-Men: First Class fanfic about that version of Hank.

But I'm talking about, will go out and write fanfiction about the character; will draw fanart of him; will actively go out of their way to talk about him on social media. I feel like that's been on the decline for the last . . . fuck, 30 years, probably? Ever since he went from this

to this.

Like, the difference is jarring and immediate, right?

And that lack of a dedicated fanbase made him an easy character to contort to fit stories that certain writers wanted to tell. The X-office doesn't have a ton of people gagging to write Beast, he doesn't headline his own series, he doesn't have a rabid Twitter populace who will fight and scream and shout like Emma Frost or Cyclops.

What do most people think when they see Beast? Like, normal people who don't read comics, who just consume maybe a Marvel movie twice a year, or saw a cartoon when they were a kid.

"Oh, he's cool. SO ANYWAY, MORE OF THAT WOLVERINE."

Beast is not a character with a strong base.

So he's just.

Disposable.

Who cares, throw Beast to Bendis or Ben Percy, I don't care, is what it feels like.

As for WHY he doesn't have that dedicated fanbase, well, I have theories.

A lot of Hank stories are just, sad. They're just so fucking sad and tragic and dark and about finding light where you can.

I often find them very cathartic, like, Hank leads such a troubled and harsh life, and he savours the pleasures where he can get them, and I really love that aspect of his character, that unyielding spirit, but that does not make for a popular character.

His feline era, from 2000 to 2012, is honestly my favourite for him because he is so nuanced and his themes of learning to love your body and control yourself, and his thoughtful, measured, deeply moralistic stories resonate with me and provide me with comfort, the idea that people can be tempted to do bad in the service of good but turn away is beautiful to me.

But that's not really an easily sell? People don't usually want to be sad when they read comic books. They want to be thrilled or horrified or made to laugh. Sad is . . . harder to sell.

Honestly, I also think there's a degree of assuming that he's a snobby asshole because he talks fancy. Like, I legit think that plays into it, and you sometimes see writers fall for the same preconception, they assume that Hank is a snob, and he really isn't, he's a lower-middle class kid from Illinois who grew up on a farm and whose dad was involved in a horrific radiation accident because of poor safety conditions, this is not a person who would be snobby.

It's so funny to me because the guy is from a fictional place in Illinois? It's never specified, which means, if anything, he probably sounds like he's from Chicago! Now, there's probably a degree to which he does speak more formally and has changed his voice, because Hank is extremely protective and conscious of the image he projects, always has been, but snobby? Pfft, nooooo. So yeah, absolutely, you see people assuming that he's a snob because he's smart. Snobby only plays well if you're Emma Frost.

I also have to say, I think there's a degree to which there's an anti-intellectual bias going on. If you look at pretty much all of the major genius characters, they are pretty much ALL unpopular because they are nerds and they are not usually portrayed as being great fighters or tacticians, which is an easy way for a character to become popular - that's why Cyclops is so popular, because he's right all the time and he's a badass, and that's an easy pop. Science solutions are inherently less visceral, harder to write and thus rarer, and do not stick in people's minds.

Moreover, what do you think of when you think of genius superhero? The reputation is of privilege and the image is of boring white guys, they assume it's just - boring. It's only interesting if it's cloaked in sarcastic wit, like House or Sherlock (during The Dark Times), or used in a martial sense, which is why Black Panther is the exception to the 'all the nerds are boring.' Bruce Banner also escapes this trap because he's had his own solo comics for 60 years and he's had a million people write absolutely amazing stories for him.

I also think that his almost complete absence from the Claremont era stories hurts his fandom reputation, because if you're an X-Men fan, you read Claremont, and Hank is not in those stories almost at all. He pops up during the Mesmero arc, during Dark Phoenix, here and there, but he spends 1974 to 1991 in the Avengers, the Defenders, X-Factor, he is so very rarely being written by who most people would consider the definitive X-Men scribe. There's also an element of the stupid X-Men vs. Avengers tribalism working against him thanks to that.

I think Claremont writes a pretty decent Hank when he does turn up, but there's a reason he picked Jean and Scott, and it's interesting that he chose to feature Hank more often than Warren and Bobby, and even then, Warren more than Bobby. I don't know if Hank was really heavily in demand so he just couldn't get him, or if he didn't know what stories to tell with him, but I actually kinda think it was the former, just because Hank always makes an appearance in his post-'91 work, especially his alternate timelines, and he was clearly interested in writing for him in X-Treme X-Men given he set up the Betsy romantic angle early, but then Morrison snatched him up.

Hank also got pushed into the role of the naysayer during the Fraction and Bendis era, which is an instant rock around the neck for your popularity. A lot of the arguments that Hank makes about why he doesn't like what Scott does and how he runs the X-Men and Utopia are not necessarily wrong?

Like, X-Force is just plain morally bad. It is.

You can make the argument that it's necessary, but these two things can exist at the exact same time, which appears to be a concept that people do not grasp! And especially, like . . . the X-Men are not an army. They are a voluntary paramilitary group that is, ostensibly, dedicated to mutant rescue, outreach, and general superheroics.

You are not obliged to stay.

Hank was suffering from legitimate PTSD flashbacks, he was wracked with guilt over the Skrull bioweapon (which, notably, sticks to Hank but does NOT stick to Scott), he was very obviously depressed, recovering from torture - and when he reached out to Bobby to try and explain how he was feeling, draw some comfort, Bobby basically just told him to deal with it!

But this made him SO FUCKING UNPOPULAR. You can go to comics sites that have comments under this issue, under the issue where Hank is having PTSD flashbacks, and they'll be like, THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN, and I'm like???????? The fuck are you saying to me?????? WHY ARE YOU BOOING HIM HE'S RIGHT.

There's also a degree to which I think that, whether the writers have realised it or not, they do not usually put in the work to establish that the X-Men are doing their due diligence to make sure that Hank is okay. They rely a LOT on off-screen things happening to fill in the blanks. A short list of things that we have never seen!

The reaction from the O5 when Hank first turned furry.

The reaction from the Mansion X-Men when Hank turned into a cat.

Anyone going to visit Hank in the infirmary when he was recovering from his fur and claws falling out due to torture.

Anyone expressing concern over the fact that during the whole time travel debacle, Hank was dying and did not tell anyone.

You don't see these moments, and these are fucking important! These make you sympathetic to the character! These are the moments where people look at Beast in pain, suffering because of what's happened to him, going through his emotional arcs, showing strength as he perseveres, THAT is what builds a fanbase and keeps a fanbase engaged with a character - but they just stop happening for Hank. You don't see them. He loses his characterisation moments, they just happen off-panel.

But what do you see? You see a lot of people walk into Hank's lab, they receive words of wisdom and comfort, or a scientific solution for their problems, and then they walk out.

Like, Hank from Avengers vs. X-Men onwards reads as just - psychologically unstable. He does things on impulse, he reacts without talking to people, he does not have strong relationships with anyone, he appears to have broken up with his long time girlfriend (for no specified reason, we still don't know why 9 YEARS LATER), he often appears adrift and lost and unhappy.

And we are TOLD during his intervention that people have talked to him about what's going on, and they were ignored, but, like, I'm sorry, FUCK OFF, SHOW YOUR GODDAMN WORK.

If you want your emotional moments to have any bite, then you need to ESTABLISH things!!! When Ororo says, oh, you're just ignoring everyone, I'm like, FUCKIN' SHOW ME WHEN YOU TALKED TO HIM. Because do you know what I DID see?

I saw Hank being the most comforting and lovely and soft individual in Storm's solo series, being there for her after Logan's death, BASICALLY BECOMING HER SECRETARY BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO FUCK OFF AND BE A THIEF, and then BOOM, suddenly, she's like, you're a fucking loose cannon.

This was, like, a few months apart. Editors? Hello? Does Ororo fucking hate Hank or not? Because Bendis seems to be of the opinion that she does, but Greg Pak does not appear to have gotten the memo! HELLO? EDITORS? There's a big fucking GAP here where a story arc is meant to go???

There's so much of Hank's 2012-onward story that we just AREN'T shown. Like, he and Scott just - patch up their differences over the revolutionary thing OFF-PANEL during Hickman's Avengers. You don't even see the conversation. He agrees to try and work on the M-Pox cure, MOVES TO ATTILAN TO HELP THEM, all because Storm (WHOM, LAST WE SAW, WAS THREATENING TO PUT HIM IN PRISON FOR CRIMES AGAINST NATURE) convinced him to . . . and WE DO NOT SEE THIS CONVERSATION.

Every time someone pulls out the 'oh, this has been an expertly played baton pass of writers depicting Hank's moral downfall,' I just want to fucking pick up shit and fling it in their face, because they could not be more wrong.

Do you know who's read more Beast comics than these fuckers?

Me. It's me.

Believe me, if there was an actual DEPICTION of ANY of these MASSIVE emotional moments in Hank's life, I would LOVE to talk about them and agree. But they do not exist. It's a character being used as a narrative prop to justify writing decisions that otherwise wouldn't make sense (Inhumans vs. X-Men, All-New X-Men), and no-one cares because he was never that popular to begin with.

And it just - frustrates me, because, like, did you know that Hank formed a political advocacy group for mutant rights?

Did you know he was present during sessions of Congress, giving his support to pro-mutant legislation and becoming long time friends with multiple politicians?

But because it's in New Defenders, because it's in Secret Avengers, and no-one READ those issues, they don't care! It doesn't matter to them! Hank has, by and large, within the narrative, done SO MUCH for mutant rights, he has ACTIVELY worked for them within the system SO HARD, but because it isn't done with an optic blast or a big punchy fist in an X-Men book, it doesn't count.

And like, I just . . . the last few appearances before he starts being focused on in X-Force, before the heel turn, he is NOT acting like an asshole!

Laura literally calls him the nerd she can trust and he takes pictures of her and Gabby being cute during a party!

He's helping Banshee recover from his Apocalypse corruption and teaching at Harvard, trying to actively retire from superhero work because he's exhausted!

He's telling Captain Marvel, hey, you're wrong about your precognition bullshit in Civil War II, and he's helping Spider-Man with science problems, and he SAVES THE INHUMAN CIVILISATION SINGLEHANDEDLY!

So many writers are trying to steer him back onto course. Not just Avengers books, either, X-Men books! There's, like, TWO, THREE writers who want to push evil, asshole Beast, and everyone else is just like, uhhh, nooo? But because the X-office do not care, they keep getting their chance. They don't care about protecting Beast's reputation, or his stories, or his legacy. He's just a character to be thrown wherever he'll fit.

So you get the narrative that he was always evil. He was decaying all along.

No, it's bullshit. It's literally the Scarlet Witch story again, where it just HAPPENS in fits and starts to kick off events and stories, regardless of whether or not it makes sense for past characterisation or continuity.

So, yeah. It's a combination of the X-office not really caring about protecting the image of the character, and certain writers just doing shoddy, shitty jobs of writing emotional checks that their asses weren't willing to cash.

[i-am-autistic]

This is an ST rant I been meaning to do for a while

Honestly like the best part of being in fandoms is all the different thigns people create like......idk man Im not even often made to feel bad for the things I post except one or two that I block occasionally. But I see a lot of like Billy fans get a lot of shit and it's like I never gave a shit for Billy and he gave me the ick immediately(as a character in the show). But he was a character for 2 seasons, and enough of him was explored that was sympathetic and relatable and a different view into abuse than any other character. I never understand people who are befuddled that Billy has a fanbase.......like he is a major character in s2 and s3 obviously he has a fanbase. It's incredible to me people think that you can separate parts of the show as if the same writing room and the same writers aren't coming up with it. Im a Jonathan fan and for a long time any engagement about him was like this too....people don't remember that S1/2 Jonathan got treated just like Billy. Now that there's a decent contingent of Jonathan fans on tumblr and reddit and such you can actually talk about and engage with the character but in s1/s2 the only way to do it was to search AO3 tags because his tumblr tag was dead and everyone on reddit hated him. And it's just like you can't take out one part of the show(especially characters that are so crucial to their seasons) and say this is evil and not part of the show and all these other parts are fine and cool and cute and memeable but this other thing is so ugly and should be ignored. Which is the reaction I feel some people have to certain things in shows they like and it's such a 2024 response to shit but like can we just be normal about shit PLEASE. You can like a character who has done heinous things man, it is a fictional character they are literally made to be liked and reflect real life people. You are literally allowed and hella valid to do this even if the fanbase is small and people don't want you to and people don't get it and are constantly shouting at you not to. It's literally fandom there is more important things to fight in the world than fans of things that make you uncomfortable in a Netflix show. There is nothing at all wrong with liking a character and relating to one who has done something awful or creepy or nasty. It is literally not real, the actions are not real, there is no real crime, no real victim and no real aggressor because it's not real. Seriously all characters are somewhat of a reflection of the writers and their experiences and play a part in building the world out.....yes even the awfully written ones and the bad racist stereotype ones. and the ones that happen after the show or book series or comic or movie series or whatever "got bad". Those are still part of the story and part of the world. I feel I should clarify Im a brown person because IK people will assume and say awful things in the replies if not. And I'm sure this will still get some hate but I'll just block I ain't responding to shit, if you send stupid stuff in the replies it's just sending hate mail Im just deleting it and not responding.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk (I've wanted to do a Billy post for a while but I don't have a ton of stake in the character so it kept getting pushed back. I hope people who interact with my posts don't stop or block me because of this :(. I understand there is a lot of animosity towards the character but I think that's just sad because it drowns out a lot of discussion about him. I hope it will be understood this is not an endorsement or defense of his racist stuff and bad character traits)