#is inherently interesting I think…idk…I have to give it a reread

[macbethz]

Life sucks. Read a shitty comic no one has heard of that will remain with you for life because of its unrealized potential, ok?

[batsplat]

Hello Bat!! I love love love reading your thoughts on things, from motogp to terrible 2000s tv shows. You mentionned great Smallville Lex/Clark fic in a recent post, and I was wondering: could you please share? I literally just finished rereading the Astolat's and still hunger for more.

yeah sure!! I'm kinda coasting off my ao3 history here (apparently I spent the entirety of 30/10/22 Having A Moment) so it's like,, a very imperfect list

okay, I'm gonna start with a bunch of seperis fics but I'd genuinely check out... all their stuff. it's just a fun read of the characters!! also there's so much of it and it's a good time to work your way through

A Handful Of Dust 47k words

At the end of the world, Lex can't stop running.

quite a dark and sad fic but I think about it a lot and it really works for me. it's basically a post-apocalyptic fic where the apocalypse is caused by clark being pushed over the edge and succumbing to his god complex. he's hunting down his former friends and allies, including lex. I think this kind of premise can easily be like... edgelord central 'ooh what if the hero were actually the villain', but this one feels true to the characters and their relationship + is very engaging

Advanced Masochism 8.6k words

In which Lex is curious as to why he's become a proxy stalker.

a small series that consists of lex trying to make the whole clark/lana situation work while doing his best to suppress his attraction to clark. lex's internal monologue in this is fun and punchy - though a lot of it is about his age gap to clark, which never like... feels THAT extreme in the show because tom welling *gestures*. but if that element makes you uncomfortable, I'd give this one a skip!

My Usual Lie 4.1k words

He wants to be so much more than that.

ice skating!! kinda melancholic but also idk a little sweet. it's clark spending time with lex after he's already grown up and they've already grown apart and clark misses the way it used to be between the two of them... again also ABOUT the age gap. lex is such a fun kinda slippery presence here, funny and kind but also a little detached

Frantic 9.1k words

In which Clark does not get dinner. And then everything goes downhill.

oh yeah I really enjoy re-reading this one. clark finally is forced to reveal his powers to lex at an inopportune moment, when evil goo is attempting to kill them both. no angst, just bickering

Resident Alien 2.7k words

It's tax season in the Luthor household.

just short and sweet and fun! established relationship, does what it says on the tin, lex is very into taxes. he's also very into clark

Closer to Breathing 8.6k words

Christmas parties at Luthor Manor. Boys sharing thoughts with brandy. And other things.

really lovely read, tender and fun and just kinda... nails a version of lex who is so very good at what he does, who might be loathed but can charm the small town people anyway, and a clark who stands at crossroads between being part of the small town and not liking the feeling of seeing lex play people like HIM (but not him). gets into a lot of the inherent tensions of that relationship!! love lex the outsider

Vix Te Agnovi 36.8k words

Clark gets a late-night call and interesting things happen.

again, age gap-centric warning!! lex asks clark to pick him up from a sex party. very much about the tension between the worldly metropolitan lex and the country boy hick clark, and both of them kinda entering into each other's worlds... lex reckoning how he's changed, clark curious and awkward and frustrated at being treated like a child (which. he very much is)

A Life More Ordinary 4.1k words

It wasn't sudden, and Lex didn't know it was happening until it had. And then he did.

aggressively not ABOUT superman, it's just about lex and clark. about lex and clark being flatmates. soft and gentle and intimate

Two Paths 21.8k words

Everything decided in one breath.

man I WISH there were more of the series. the basic premise is the whole smallville lie falls apart and lex is trusted to like... get clark out of there and hide him. so basically clark becomes his ward!! they live together!! lex needs to be an Adult who Takes Care of clark, but again. conflicted. this is just fun like it's such a funky dynamic that feels like an absolute perfect nightmare for lex specifically

and fics by other authors:

The Olive Branch by tasabian, 3.9k words

It's the holidays...which means Lex Luthor is keeping Superman very busy. But what is Lex's hidden agenda?

lex does crimes to get clark's attention. they're cute idc

When a Strawberry Is Pushed into a Mountain by Thamiris, 33.1k words

Away at college, Clark learns to read between the lines and finds his future there.

college!clark!! a few misunderstandings and tricky emotions that serve as a backdrop for the care clark and lex show for each other... I quite like it when fic doesn't like,, cut out their terrible parents

The Butterfly Effect by The Spike, 11.6k words

Lex can't let this Cassandra thing go.

remember that old prophecy lady from s1? well, what if lex injected himself with something that gave himself the power to see the future too, and was horrified and traumatised by what he saw? feat. clark taking care of him and papa kent playing the role of the homophobic dog

Going Home by mskatej, 5.5k words

Lex has amnesia.

amnesia future fic! clark comes to the rescue a little too late and takes care of lex. warning: the amnesia creates some issues of consent

where the colors are by museaway, 10.3k words

After Clark rescues Lex from Belle Reve, they flee to Canada to start a new life. Although his age and the need for discretion limit his options, Clark does his best to support them. But despite Clark's loyalty, Lex continues to have nightmares of his time in the asylum and worries that one day, Clark will leave him—or that the rescue was entirely in his head.

this scratches a very straightforward itch: the one where clark successfully saves lex in season three and chooses him. kinda nice and comforting even in its melancholy of not being able to return home again... y'know, sometimes you want something exactly like this

light the torch and pass it on by ang3lba3, 19.8k words

Clark starts behaving erratically, and it's up to Lois and Lex to figure out how to fix him. Thankfully, the paper cuts off there. Clark is faint, sweating. He thinks he’s hard. He checks. Yes. Yes, he is. He flips the paper over. In a deep purple ink, almost black, is an unsigned note. I think we can come to a mutually satisfactory conclusion on this matter. “Oh my god,” Clark whispers, thrilled. “He’s blackmailing me.”

lex/clark/lois. clark is having like... a weird alien hormone situation and it means he's weird towards both lex and lois. lex knows clark is superman but they're still very much enemies here, so this is the push that gets them to change their relationship. this one's just fun! sweet, good banter between lex/lois, it's obvious beneath it all how much they care for clark and clark does for them

The Milk and Cookies War by Punk, 6.2k words

Lex Luthor's Penthouse for Wayward Boys.

college!clark shows up at lex's place and makes himself at home. my favourite scene in this one is a brief interlude where lex is bitchy to his father

m2m by rivkat, 2k words

For thefourthvine, prompt: Craigslist. Clark gets curious about all those superhero kink offers.

what it says on the tin. I think you can probably guess who's demanding a superman lookalike. this fic made me laugh

Risk Management by tasabian, 7.3k words

A bad day for Metropolis reunites Clark and Lex.

future fic where lex almost dying sparks the reconciliation. ... I'd also just rec checking out all their fics tbh

The Grope of Destiny by suzvoy, 19.7k words

Clark had no idea how he was going to explain *this* one.

clark and lex are physically stuck together, and it's what prompts the reveal. always satisfying!!

Candy Cane Hearts by tasabian, 4.6k words

A new brand of candy makes Clark unusually mellow; Lex finds it all very confusing. Written for the Under Mistletoe challenge.

another christmas-y fic, another fic where clark acts weird! basically whenever you remove clark's inhibitions, he whisks lex off. just sweet and charming

No Choice by mskatej, 4.3k words

Clark is in heat.

okay. listen. you need to un-repress them, right. again, this is taking license of some weird alien biology. lex's blend of caring about clark so much and also needing him and also feeling weird about it and also being very into the whole alien thing but also kinda freaked by it... the classic dynamic

The Hinge Moment by tasabian, 14.8k words

Superman has a bad day; Lex just happens to be there.

clark kidnaps lex! but like, in a nice way. a lot of these fics don't REALLY engage with canon all that closely, but this is a future fic that definitely does. gives them the chance to actually have some conversations, y'know. some days I don't actually want them to forgive each other easily, but sometimes it's nice to scratch the itch of having slightly older and more mature versions of them figuring out their issues. really well written

I might add some more at some point but I only had the energy to go through a few right now lol and well I imagine you'd rather like them now than in like. three months. also psa: pLEASE feel free to send in smallville fic recs to this account, I'm always happy to receive them

[youareinlove]

I LOVE Emily Henry! I reread them all about 2 weeks ago. I think my ranking is

Beach read

funny story

book lovers

pwmov

happy place

In whimsy romance (what I call romcoms) there is a fine line of too corny to be true and fantastical enough to keep me interested. But ultimately, just because I like a trope, doesn’t mean the book sings. Because I can (and I want to) I’m explaining my ranking. Happy Place has fake dating, shared bed, and second chance but really falls flat for me because I think Harriet was working through a LOT and made 2 incredibly rash decisions at the end of the book. Idk the ending really soured it for me. I also am not a huge fan of the way they lied to the people closest to them like that (even if the friends knew).

Friends to lovers is my absolute favorite trope when done well. But even though they are friends their lives are so incompatible I had a hard time rooting for them. Also uChicago is an incredibly difficult college to get into and neither Alex nor Poppy give the vibe of Chicago students.

I love book lovers, but I fear this book suffers from “I just I like the other 2 more.” Also I don’t think Charlie and Nora are particularly romantic, so there is less whimsy in what I think could be an incredibly romantic small town. I do tend to love the rivals to lovers trope (as you’ll see soon).

funny story - I wonder if this is Taylor’s favorite. Miles reminds me of how I imagine Travis (though physically he’s more wyn from happy place). Feel like her writing really helped elevate this story and made the tropes feel believable. This book has my favorite side plots and location. The resolution to this book feels the warmest because everyone in their lives was also cheering them on at the read-a-thon.

beach read - my first of hers and forever favorite. Grumpy/sunshine, rivals with secret crushes to lovers, and forced proximity. And it’s so romantic. And I love their banter.

spoilers for all of these books ahead

ooh! my ranking is funny story > happy place > beach read > pwmov.

i think a lot of people feel the way you did about happy place and i agree that the ending felt a bit rushed and sudden, especially compared to the slower pace of the book up until the third act. things just suddenly move really fast in a way that's hard to keep up with as a reader, and it makes her decisions seem way rasher than the buildup to them would suggest. when it comes to them lying to their friends, i think it's understandable because the narrative explains why they feel the need to and their reasons make sense, even if they're misguided. but i do agree with your points overall, and most of why i enjoyed this one as much as i did was the friend group dynamic, because i think she did a great job of writing it

when it comes to pwmov, i really enjoyed how the narrative dealt with their incompatible lifestyles because to me, that was what made their arc interesting. figuring out how the characters were going to work through that inherent conflict and watching them grapple with it was a highlight of the plot for me, and i think pwmov actually addressed the "we have fundamentally incompatible hopes for the future" issue better than happy place did. the way poppy and alex settled on a compromise worked a lot better for me as well because their arcs justified the conclusion in a way that felt satisfying and not rushed. can't argue with your point about uchicago though, because i've never been to chicago but i'm sure you're right

haven't read book lovers so i'll have to get back to you on that one

it's so funny to me that you mentioned the similarities between miles and travis because i thought the same thing! they're so similar personality-wise and i absolutely noticed lol. i love funny story and i'm glad you did too

beach read is very cute! i've spoken very highly of it and i stand by everything i've said. i think it's a quintessential example of what makes emily henry's writing so great

[mummer]

hrrrmmm this very long conspiracy at the tourney of harrenhal theory is such food for thought..... i do not agree with everything in it of course but it’s just so thought provoking! giving preasoiaf the same level of political complexity as current era stuff... all our preconceived notions literally have to go out the window! def feeding my suspicion that rhaegar kidnapping lyanna has in fact almost nothing to do with the starcrossed-lovers or horrible-creepy-assault angles we’re presented with but at least BEGUN as something completely out of those zones! agency for lyanna that isnt demeaning moon-eyed bullshit! it’s all politics and plots and gaming the thrones or whatever... it’s all tragedy of circumstance and being forced into terrible situations... yeah let this shit be complicated!

[uwusillygirl]

Ok feeling v validated at you posting a normal people gif bc it literally hit me when reading for service and devotion the other day (and then subsequently rereading a better taste as part of a "Chrissy's Boss Is A Dick" edit) that this Chrissy and Eddie give me BIG Marianne and Connell vibes with the way Chrissy's subservience could maybe be kinda dangerous (seems like a dramatic word but can't think of a better one) in the hands of someone who exploited it but with Eddie she's able to deal with it in a much more healthy way, and even though it's not something he really wants (although I think Eddie enjoys it considerably more than Connell did) he's happy to explore it for her. When the book first came out I remember having a discussion about whether Marianne and Connell actually make a "good" couple, whether we really want them to be together in the end, and a friend said he felt the relationship was good for Marianne but not for Connell and so ultimately didn't want them to stay together as it was kind of unfair on Connell, even if it was by far the best outcome for Marianne and the negative effect on Marianne from not being with Connell is much greater than the negative effect on Connell from being with her (I don't necessarily agree but I do get his). This series forms a nice little alternative to that in which their relationship genuinely feels like a positive for both Chrissy and Eddie and there's no real need for that debate.

Idk this is rambling and not super exciting but it just felt very nice to see that you are aware of normal people and maybe it was something that might have been playing on your mind subconsciously whilst you were developing this relationship so it wasn't so ridiculous for me to have drawn that parallel myself.

No need to respond, in fact the main thing I came here to say is that I'm really excited to see you on here. I never have anything particularly interesting to say on AO3 except that I love everything you've ever done but I do enjoy reading all the comments and the way the discussions you and others have enrich the characters so much - I'm hoping there will be more of that on here too!

"no need to respond" like i could ever possibly resist an ask as fucking JUICY as this... and i am LITERALLY in the midst of a normal people reread right now like this could not be more perfect.

okay so in terms of first one's free, normal people was absolutely sort of stewing in my brain subconsciously as i wrote it, but only because i'm like always thinking about it lmao. but EVENTUALLY it actually became sort of active when i started reflecting on that one line everyone screams about all the time the "sometimes i think god made you for me" bit and how it's like... is there ever a way for that to be a positive? like how are you not meant to mistreat someone custom made to your preferences? (so in short your parallel guess is like so right! though most everything i reblog on here and intend to reblog i think can be at least tonally tied to my writing lmao)

anyways so i tried to see how that would look like in a slightly less miserable way than normal people and how even if chrissy is like all american dream girl she's also like intense and often unwell enough that it takes effort on the part of eddie to like ... care for her (which connell, i would say, doesn't take with marianne because he's less self assured, so cripplingly afraid of other people's perceptions, and has a sort of irrational fear of catching marianne's "damagedness" like a flu).

it's extremely interesting the way we all sort of have different reads of normal people and who the relationship "works better" for/who would be ultimately happier in it (like it blows my actual mind that someone u know read it as "unfair" on connell more so than marianne like that actually fascinates me).

and it's also interesting that you mention the idea of like a "safe" space to explore inherent subservience, because "safe" means so many different things when it comes to that urge. i always am struck by the way that while they always have that sort of fucked power dynamic that turns her on, marianne's masochism, to me, only ever gets truly fulfilled with connell through their sort of fucked up pattern of him leaving her every once in a while/only wanting her for support and sex. it's like the purest form of masochism to her. and when they're relatively happy and she sort of wants him to handle it through more traditional bdsm routes (which i am so conflicted about the presentation of that in the book, but anyways. and yes eddie def enjoys all that way more lmao.) he sort of blanches and that's like "too much" for him but her groveling for him, claiming she just wants to make him happy, and all that less official but more soul-sucking subservience like really gets him off.

okay WOW so many thoughts, many of them self-indulgent, thank you SO much for reaching out! and thank you for the kind words about my stuff! i'm so happy to be here and chatting with some of u!

[greycappedjester]

First off, literally LOVE hq@hw and the cards series and can’t express how much I love the way you write and your characterizations and relationships between them all, it’s just so amazing! (all your other works are on my tbr even though I haven’t watched those shows like Dr. Stone and The King’s Avatar bc I love your writing so much)

Okay so I was rereading the first hq@hw (I forgot how good and pure it was!) and something in chapter 25 The Founding Treasure stood out to me, and I NEED ANSWERS!

“ “Salazar nodded absently, moving on in his speech. “It is my misfortune to inform you, however, that though you have completed the task, I have nothing I can give you.”

The statue stopped with an air of mournful finality. Helga stepped forward, grabbing his shoulder. “My brother’s statue was created before he split from the rest of us,” she explained sadly.

“I escaped my creator’s madness but unfortunately, he did not entrust me with his treasure,” Salazar confirmed.” ”

Does this mean Salazar Slytherin was going to offer the basilisk as his treasure!?! Idk how his potential treasure could be spoilers but if it somehow is then nevermind! But if that was his treasure then hello??

Again literally love all your works!!

Thank you so, so much!

So, to answer your question, Slytherin wasn't exactly...well, sane while the Chamber/Founders Treasure was being built; but, I don't necessarily think his treasure was a basilisk.

My headcanon is that his treasure was probably an artifact relating to parseltongue. Most likely a collection of thorough study and documentation of origins of the language, its connection to wizarding genetics, and larger conclusions about what that means for other magical related hereditary traits (like parseltongue, metamorphmagus, legilimens, etc.). It would have been a brilliant historical artifact of wizarding medical history, especially as that information had (somewhat ironically) been suppressed by blood purists over the ages for its also unflattering implications on inbreeding weakening wizarding lines.

Anyway, I think that would make most sense as Slytherin's treasure as it has to do with something inherently parseltongue and an interest that could easily be twisted into a historical misunderstanding about Slytherin's "obsession with blood heritage".

[librarycards]

Hi! I've really appreciated reading your views on the education system and higher education in general, and I don't exactly have a question about that but I guess I am asking for some tips on reading dense academic text. basically I desperately want to consume this book called Authoring Autism, by Melanie Yegeau published in 2018 but it feels so inaccessible to me as someone who hasn't attended college and learned how to read shit like that. it's about neuroqueerness and neurodivergence as an---

identity presented in a queer theory framework and seems like something that would really be up my alley as a queer/trans autistic person and I guess I'm just pissed that it feels hard. do you have any tips on learning how to read academic text and actually stay interested and enjoy it while readily absorbing the knowledge therein? maybe this is a big ask and not something you really have an answer to, but I'm still curious as to your thoughts on it! thx for reading!

hey! this is a really good question, and you’re right that i don’t have one right answer for you, but i can try to give some of the advice that worked for me.

first off, on academic texts and specifically on the yergeau, which i’ve read & adore –– they’re often hard, and authoring autism is dense; this stuff is harder when you aren’t practiced in engaging these type of texts. this is actually my first recommendation –– practice! the *only* reason i feel accustomed to spending time with dense scholarly work is because i’ve done it a ton of times before and i have a plan. there are definitely different degrees of difficulty in various texts, too; you, for example, might want to start with liat ben-moshe or margaret price in terms of Mad/critical ND studies, as i think both are easier accesspoints than yergeau’s highly specific (and also largely unfamiliar to me) rhetoric studies language.

but, yeah. practice! it’s helpful on several levels to start with the seminal texts, not least because there’s also a ton of work by other people elucidating them, and often study guides and questions to help you figure out what’s going on. for example, i’m in a reading group tackling the entirety of Capital this term, which is incredibly challenging for someone (me) unfamiliar with economic theory -- luckily, there are a ton of study guides out there, lectures, videos, and more experienced people in the group to explain terms to me, and i find myself better and better able to understand Marx through all these different interlocutors. even “in my field,” like, you’d best believe i’m reading derrida with at least 3 other tabs open at any given time to cross-check and make sure i’m Getting It. 

also, there’s the fact that yergeau themself is building on multiple traditions, but especially w/in queer theory –– these are way easier to get and get through quickly having built up knowledge of heavy hitters like butler, foucault, sedgwick, halberstam (who is cancelled but unfortunately still important in the field), and others. i know some professors of queer studies/gender studies have syllabi up online for intro courses, i’d check out some of those, as well as the bibliography of Authoring Autism, for an idea of who you can read with before turning back to yergeau.

reading shorter chapters, essays, and articles feels more doable in one go than a whole book, and you have a better sense early on of what an argument is going to be (check the abstract and the end of the intro for a “roadmap”). from here, it might be easier to work up to an entire work. with whole books, especially if the topic is unfamiliar, spend a lot of time with the intro, take notes on the structure and organization of the book, the methodology, the examples the author notes from the jump, the terminology they lead with -- taking notes in general is CRUCIAL imo, and having a little base of keywords and ideas to move through the rest of the chapters with is so helpful. also, the intro will have a little summary of every chapter as well as the main argument of the text, which is helpful if you feel lost anywhere in the middle. remember that most of these academic books are composites: they’re built out of dissertations and collections of papers and presentations first given separately. they’re bound for a reason, but can usually be read as standalones.

so we have practicing, chunking, and note-taking so far. i’d also go a step further with the note-taking: a helpful assignment i’ve had in the past is to write a precís, or a general summation of what a text is about, what is it doing, what arguments the author is making, etc, for a given book. these are no more than a paragraph or two. i believe in the saying that “if you can teach it, then you really know it,” and that principle also works for the precís -- if you can get a book down to its bare necessities, it means you really know what it’s doing. think after each chapter you read, could i write a precís on this? can i use 5-7 sentences to sum up what the author is doing? if it feels jumbled, go back to your notes, go back to your highlighted sections, and try again –– and remember that every time you re-read is NOT (NOT!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!) a sign of incompetence, but rather a dedication to the author’s work and a respect for their time and knowledge. 

i really want to stress that. struggle, reengagement, rereading, changing perspective....these are very, very good things. necessary. it is completely normal and healthy to have a hard time with scholarly work, even work about one’s own experience. contrary to what a lot of people assume, just because a book is in [ x ] studies doesn’t mean [ x ] is going to understand it; this often comes as a rude awakening when people enter queer studies classes believing it to be an easy A simply because they also happen to be queer. these fields are built on decades / centuries of intellectual tradition that no one inherently Knows, any more than being part of a lineage means you know every single person in your family. what really matters here is a curiosity and dedication to take up a text day after day with the same critical, compassionate eye with which you took up the project of neuroqueer self-determination that brought you here.

lastly, relatedly (and most challengingly for me): accept that you’re never going to understand 100% of anything, ever. as a professor of mine says, give up the patriarchal, colonial desire to “master” a text, to make it submit to you its full, transparent meaning. not only is it not going to happen, but it’s a violent relationship to have with knowledge, both to yourself and your “object.” learning is a lifelong process (hence the importance of re-reading) and Authoring Autism, etc. will stick around regardless of when you’re able to tackle it and in what capacity. i definitely relate to the anger and frustration at feeling “incompetent” in the face of a difficult text, but i try to reframe it as an opportunity to learn, like i’m on a new date and listening to someone tell me about their life for the first time. i won’t get it all on the first try but if it catches my interest, i’ll stick around.

idk if any of this was helpful, and please feel free to message with any other qs, i’m really really really really passionate about ensuring scholarly work is available to those outside the academy & that everyone has the opportunity to engage with it so please consider me a resource in all regards!!

[veliseraptor]

☕️ what you think the novel and the drama each do better than each other?

assuming you’re talking about mdzs/cql? boy oh boy do I avoid talking about this question most of the time! because I have a complex! oh boy do I have a complex. and also feel like really I need to reread mdzs before I give any real definite answer to this question, because sitting next to @ameliarating reading it and seeing people talking about it has made me realize that like. I missed a lot. 

that’s what reading too fast does to you, I guess, turns out.

but I guess if I were to think of a few things...I feel like I can say that on the whole I prefer the drama to the novel, though some of that may be related to me imprinting on it first. but let me see if I can pick out a few specific things.

DRAMA OVER NOVEL

This is a really small tiny one but I prefer Wei Wuxian still having his own body over coopting Mo Xuanyu’s, because for all the angst opportunities that the latter provides, it also gives me major willies in a way that is not fun. Like. Everything about Mo Xuanyu’s situation is awful, I think he at least deserves to not have his entire physical form running around without him in it. (Is being completely destroyed better? to me, apparently.)

I like the death scene at Nightless City a lot. I just do. It really works for me in a way that the ‘breaking it up into two pieces’ the novel does doesn’t - I like it as all one continuous disaster.

The texture of the relationship between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji - I mentioned that oblivious!Wei Wuxian kind of frustrated me in the novel, and in general I just liked the feeling of the relationship between them both first and second life more. It felt more...idk, holistic, maybe? Though this could partly be because of

Lan Wangji, in general, I liked more in the drama than the novel, which admittedly may be because you get more perspective/visibility of him in the drama where the perspective of the novel is inherently very limited by Unreliable Narrator Wei Wuxian. But that does mean that I didn’t really get a sense of him either, and had a hard time getting attached to/liking him much. I think in general in terms of...if I’m going to have a romance I feel like I need to be invested in both characters who are involved for it to work for me, and I had a hard time getting invested in novel!Lan Wangji because he felt like too much of a cipher to get a grip on.

In retrospect I think in general the fact that the less limited perspective felt like it gave me more of an ability to get a better rounded sense of the other characters is something that I really appreciated about the drama that I didn’t feel like I got out of the novel.

I don’t remember the Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao relationship in the novel grabbing me as much and I love the way that Liu Haikuan and Zhu Zanjin played it in the drama. So good. So, so good. 

In general the fact that despite censorship everything got even gayer is pretty beautiful to me. 

NOVEL OVER DRAMA

The timeline of the drama is so baffling and I still cannot quite untangle it in my head. Particularly relevant to my specific interests is everything surrounding the Yi City folks - like, that got weird and if I think about it too much it gives me a headache. That whole arc got a lot clearer when I read the novel, and while I like Xue Yang / Song Lan / Xiao Xingchen showing up earlier/being more tied into the events earlier it really snarls up some of the timeline stuff later on. 

And just, generally, how time passes in the drama is very weird. Again, just try not to think about it much.

I really miss the scene with the Blood Pool and the Wen Remnants corpses rising out of it to fight and then saying goodbye to Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian. That was inarguably a wonderful moment and I’m very sad that we lost it for (if I understand correctly) censorship reasons. 

The choice to make Wei Wuxian less culpable for Wen Ning’s attack on Jin Zixuan in particular, but also at Nightless City, is another thing I prefer from the novel. I like that that was legitimately his fuck-up - that he did legitimately lose control of this powerful force he was using.

I love the drama of Guanyin Temple in CQL but boy is there a lot missing (about the brothel and Meng Shi, notably) that means it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Would’ve been good to have that context!

There are probably other details that I’m forgetting - like I said, I need to do a reread where I’m less just stuffing the whole thing in my mouth in three bites.

(and this is all! obviously! personal! please don’t hurt me.)

[blue-likethebird]

Shimizu Kiyoko: A Meta

Recently, Haikyuu finished its last match and ended an 8-year run in Shonen Jump. I love Haikyuu. It has so many unique characters with complex motivations, a plot that had me invested for 4 years straight, good pacing and a fanbase full of talented creators. It had a big impact on my style as an author and even motivated me to try out for my school’s volleyball team back in middle school (but I ended up getting hit in the head with a serve and cut after the first tryouts ended rip.) But like every story, Haikyuu had a few flaws too.

Shimizu Kiyoko is without a doubt one of my favourite characters after Michimiya and Suga. But when I reread the series following the manga’s end, I had the uncomfortable realization that as much as I love Kiyoko, the way her character was handled fell into a few -kinda misogynistic- pitfalls. Well, this is me taking a closer look at that. Below the cut is the full meta, which contains spoilers for the final arc of Haikyuu!! You’re free to add your thoughts, argue that I’m wrong, or call me a bitch and block me at your own discretion!

In fairness, Haikyuu is a series about a boys’ volleyball team, and that premise doesn’t leave much room for girls outside of the supporting cast. At the very least, Furudate did a good job making the female characters in his series likeable individuals with distinct personalities who have lives of their own outside of the guys. Even characters like Michimiya, Kanoka and Mika -who are comparatively minor characters serving romantic roles in the story- have identities not revolving around their relationships with boys. I’m glad that the girls were allowed to express ugly emotions, have supportive relationships with one another, and weren’t solely defined by what guys they were in love with. On that level, Haikyuu is leaps and bounds better than a lot of other shonen mangas ie Boruto’s Dad.

Unfortunately, Kiyoko’s arc fell slightly short of the mark. In the grand scheme of things, she really didn’t have much to do and her identity as a character is comparatively murkier than others once you strip away her relationships with the men in Haikyuu. Given her potential, popularity, and the higher standards Haikyuu set for its ladies, it’s a bit disappointing.

“But blue!” Someone in the back row pipes up. “You said yourself that Kiyoko isn’t a main character! Authors don’t develop the supporting cast nearly as much as the protagonists!”

Well yeah. If authors expanded on every character to the extent they expand on the lead, then it would be impossible to get to the actual plot. But hey, Oikawa appears less frequently than Kiyoko does and his motivations and interests are given time to develop. Heck, Yachi only joined the cast in chapter 73 and the series explores her interest in art and relationship with her mother really well during her introduction. We don’t know Kiyoko’s family situation, or why she quit track, or what drives her to put so much of her own time into the volleyball club. And the scenes where she has an impact on the story, or the game going on, or Hinata’s quest to become a great volleyball player, or another character she interacts with are few and far between when stacked up against other members of Karasuno’s volleyball club. The only exception would be Kinoshita and Narita, who have the bad luck of being Haikyuu’s version of “those two guys” so that’s not exactly the best demonstration of what Kiyoko has to offer.

Then there’s my beef with the pedestal she’s dropped on: Both in canon and out, Kiyoko is presented as a perfect goddess who can do no wrong. This setup has so much room to expand on and deconstruct, which dozens of stories have done incredibly well. Even Haikyuu itself has done a similar thing through Kageyama’s relationship with the other Kitadaii alumni and the “king of the court” storyline. Yet Kiyoko never gets a chance to explain her feelings on being held to such a high standard, nor is it ever brought up as something that could be uncomfortable for her. It’s briefly implied that she’s somewhat out of her element when she’s the centre of attention in the “do your best” scene, but that’s not really touched on further. Given that haikyuu has acknowleged being held to unreachable standards is damaging, it would have made sense to acknowledge Kiyoko’s perspective too. Is she insecure about being considered flawless? Is it something that brings her confidence or boosts her ego? Idk, because it’s never explained clearly. It’s like a porcelain doll: Kiyoko is perfect, but by keeping her up on a high shelf to maintain that perfection, we miss the chance to get a closer look that could help further our appreciation of her.

It’s not that being one of the less dynamic characters is inherently a misogynistic pratfall, since there are plenty of male characters out there who could give a cardboard box a run for its money in terms of complexity. However, given that Kiyoko’s character is already floundering among all the unaddressed idealizations around her, to have so little opportunity to address that and how damaging it can be, well it’s not great to say the least. She’s also one of the only characters in the whole series to suffer from this particular burden. It’s kinda difficult to handwave that as just a weird coinky dink that Kiyoko’s not given more development while the arrival of Lev at Nekoma warranted a dissection of how this affects their dynamic. 

This all builds up to a defining moment. The one that made me realize how Shimizu Kiyoko had never quite escaped the trap so many other shonen manga ladies since Sakura and Orehime had fallen victim to.

The reveal that she and Tanaka got married between the end of nationals and the time skip. That was when I realized that for all I loved her and the series she was a part of, the writing surrounding her was misogynistic. 

I have a... variety of emotions about this particular relationship’s road to becoming canon, and they’re not especially positive emotions either. I could prattle on for ages about the execution or buildup, and a whole other post could be written about why I always interpreted her as a lesbian, but that’s best saved for another time. How was Kiyoko falling in love with Tanaka a weak point?

To put it bluntly, it’s because she didn’t.

We’re shown over and over again that Tanaka has feelings for Kiyoko. That was established in basically the first scene they appeared together in. What irks me is that she never gets the same: that the ‘hints’ that Kiyoko returns those feelings barely qualify as hints at all. Yet, with one scene where Tanaka carries her bag, we’re supposed to believe that the few scraps of interest she’s shown throughout the 300+ chapters of the manga they’ve both appeared in is a strong enough end point to lead to them getting hitched. Come to think of it, is there ever even a scene outside of the bag carrying where they spoke one-on-one about anything meaningful? Did Tanaka ever get to see her as more than her pedestal that we saw? The scene they ended off on is where most romance arcs start for heaven’s sake, and it ultimately disservices both characters. 

Once again, poor Kiyoko got screwed over by the series denying her a chance to express her feelings, and the marriage bomb came off as less of a satisfying conclusion to either of their arcs and more like a one-sided “wear the girl down” pullout where the girl in question is treated more like a prize than part of a healthy relationship. That kind of “romance” is more at home in a cliche action bland-com than Haikyuu, where the relationships are written with more complexity. This would have so easily been avoided with even one throwaway line. But since Kiyoko never got to express her own feelings, a crucial building block to a satisfying romantic arc was left out and the whole relationship toppled over like a jenga tower.

To wrap this up, lemme say that Haikyuu is one of my favourite series and one of the strongest shonen or sports manga I’ve read. I love both Kiyoko and Tanaka both a fuck ton, and I’m incredibly grateful that Furudate gave us such a powerful series these past eight years. None of this is me trying to bash the author, story, or any of the characters and I’m definitely not trying to argue that they’re in any way problematic. This is merely one interpretation of the series and an examination of a relatively minor part of the genuinely enjoyable whole. My goal in writing this longass meta wasn’t to condemn. But, in a manga whose biggest strength is having such well-rounded characters, it’s still somewhat of a shame that so much of Kiyoko’s potential stayed just that: potential. Haikyuu is a series that’s well-known for giving complex personal stories to all its cast from major player to one-chapter rivals. Why is it that Shimizu Kiyoko -who’s been a regular presence in the story since the very first chapter- couldn’t get the same?

[cornflowercanine]

i get why ppl just stop listening when theyre talking a8t a fictional char and someone goes "im kin with [char] and-" like, trying to give actual insight and info, and i dont EXPECT ppl to take it seriously or ever put it on the same or similar level as canonical info and analysis... ...8UT. i dont think its inherently 8ad or short-sighted(??) or like, stupid, to pick and choose which parts, or anything at all, of what kinnies have to say a8t this or that and add it to your perception/f33lings towards whatever it is 8iased yes and it's why i dont expect any non-kinnies to get anything out of it, 8ut like, so is a whole load of other perceptions/takes on characters. i can't easily give you an un8iased view on male characters in general cuz im a les8ian, i can't give you an un8iased analysis of a char who has the same trauma as me, and i can't give you an un8iased take on chars i kin :P it's not all for the same reason and my 8ias isnt all coming from the same place 8ut if you want a wholly un8iased uninfluenced untainted 8y perception take on a specific character or something that happened to said character/s in canon all the time no matter what, ....go 8ack and reread/watch/play canon!!!! point is i think if your f33lings/thoughts/etc towards a char arent fully developed and you s33 someone whos kin with that char say like, idk, "oh yes i did this 8ut it was heavily influenced 8y this" and you take that and go 'ok thats how that person f33ls 8ut the whole 'this char did do this for at least SOME reason and not JUST to 8e a cunt' is interesting to me and adds a new side to their char i hadnt thought of 8efore' well thats just fine :3

[caesarclowningaround]

I was tagged by @flightsofwonder! Thanks dearie!! This was interesting and fun!

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

Felt With the Heart (MCU, 1123 words) Jane fiddled with the skirt of her dress for the thirtieth time. 

The Pure and Simple Truth (MCU/Mr. Robot, 2500 words) Gods and monsters. It’s all real. Who knew? For some reason, Elliot wasn’t at all surprised as he stared across the room at the ‘god’ before him. 

Next Stop (Good Omens, 620 words) It wasn’t that Crowley meant to smack his shoulder into the other man’s as he walked through the subway car… but he meant to. 

voulez-vous coucher avec moi? (2019!Aladdin/2017!Beauty and the Beast, 1163 words) Adam could have anyone he wanted. This wasn’t just hubris, it was a fact. 

Shadows (Trouble in the Heights, 561 words) The room is a swirling mass of color and fabrics. 

my happy ending is right next to me (IT movie franchise, 246 words) Richie couldn’t wait to dive into the champagne at the reception. 

Baking Without Flour (Good Omens, 961 words) Aziraphale wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he entered Crowley’s apartment, but he at least expected that he’d be unpacked by now.  

Violet Skies (2019!Aladdin/2017!Beauty and the Beast, 42622 words (and counting)) Another day, another suitor. This one was from the far west with flowered silks and bright pastels. Prince Adam from France. 

Horizon (Star Wars, 1397 words) It was so different than anything Armitage could have imagined. And oh, he had imagined.

the booze and the bell chimes (2019!Aladdin/2017!Beauty and the Beast/2015!Cinderella, 6272 words) 11:00 AM - 6 HOURS BEFORE THE WEDDING “BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN’ EVERYWHERE” Jafar nearly jumped out of bed, his heart pounding in time with the pounding in his head. 

The Dream (MCU/Loki: Where Mischief Lies, 602 words) There is pain as he feels the grip tighten around his throat. He struggles for air, knowing it to be futile at this point. Then, a sharp crack of agony… and he’s gone.

Submerge (Star Wars, 8750 words) His father had warned him many times as a boy to stay away from the Dark Shoals. When Kylo took to the sea as an adult, still his father warned him that morning.

Good at Waiting (2019!Aladdin/2017!Beauty and the Beast, 618 words) Adam wasn’t sure where he was at first. But as the world came into focus around him, he remembered. He remembered dinner the night before, celebrating their six-month anniversary. 

Boom, Clap! (Crash Pad/MCU, 12175 words (and counting)) I need to lay off the weed. It certainly wasn’t the first time Stensland had thought this (or even attempted to put the thought into action soon after), much less the first time he had thought it the moment he had woken up from some batshit crazy trippy dream.

The Ocean Under the Moon (2019!Aladdin/They Call Me Jeeg, 1525 words (and counting)) Fabio had a weird, mostly unknown love for thrift stores. 

a lil something (2019!Aladdin/2017!Beauty and the Beast, 728 words) Jafar’s phone vibrates in his pocket for the second time in the past ten minutes. 

Love is a Battlefield (The Old Guard, 1328 words) There was an excitement in the air as they all stood in formation. Syrus pawed at the ground, his hoof kicking up grass and dust that hung around his legs. 

when push comes to shove (2019!Aladdin/Trust, 1371 words) It had started with Jafar grabbing fistfuls of Primo’s ass and a mocking comment about how thin his pants were, which somehow had led to Jafar assuming Primo wasn’t wearing anything under the blue trousers. He assumed correctly.

play us an encore (2019!Aladdin/2017!Beauty and the Beast, 2400 words) “Open your robe.” Jafar didn’t move from where he was standing in the bathroom doorway. Dressed in only his silk red robe, he stared back at Adam, who was smiling in a way that Jafar couldn’t read.

break the bubble (2019!Aladdin/2017!Beauty and the Beast/2015!Cinderella, 1092 words) “Love is like a bomb, baby, c’mon get it on…” The lights flashed as three gorgeous men walked onto the stage, lip synching with the loud lyrics of Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" playing over the speakers. 

Analysis:

First of all, the fact that 11/20 of these are crossovers is pretty telling of what my favorite thing to write is. Most are either Aladdin crossovers or Marvel crossovers (and involve either Jafar or Loki, respectively) so there’s that.

This list goes back about two years, which is interesting because in the past two years I’ve been working on bigger projects most of the time. Notice how most of these fics are under 2k? Most of these started as small fic prompts or 2am spur-of-the-moment ideas and the longer ones are the more self-indulgent fics.

5 of these fics start with a line that’s mostly used to catch a reader’s attention before a tag, which is then followed by a bit of exposition or action. Twice I use song lyrics as a way of grabbing attention because the POV of the character is also having their attention grabbed.

Several times I just jump right into a character’s POV and begin with them thinking about something or essentially telling the reader “what is happening is normal” or “what is happening is not normal” depending on the situation. It’s also sometimes a quick recap or the statement of a fact about our POV character.

Most of the time, I just jump right into the action to get the story moving. I’ve noticed I prefer to do this over giving a description of where we are. If I do give a description, it almost always comes after the opening line. With the exception of Shadows, none of these opening lines are a setting description.

I really do have a thing for crossovers, especially the weird ones LOL I just love the idea of two different worlds connecting in some way and having the characters themselves connect on another level. D*sney’s been crossing over their stuff since well before I was even born, so while it’s not surprising to see a disney crossover fic, I do think there’s something to writing that odd lil ship I’ve written about 7 fics for (dang!)

I tend to deal with themes of forbidden love in various ways and how the characters make those connections despite the fact they shouldn’t be together. Whether it’s as simple as unrequited romance, or they’re enemies, or they’re not necessarily enemies but they really shouldn’t be together... and yet they always find a way. IDK maybe I’m just a romantic at heart who loves seeing love stories about love conquering all. But that being said, the obstacles these characters face aren’t typical ones?? Like, from this list at least, love triangles aren’t something I’m interested in, but if there is a third party (like in Violet Skies) the third party is never really considered to be a “threat” to the main couple. 

That’s probably another reason why I dig crossover ships, because they inherently shouldn’t be together. they’re from vastly different worlds with maybe one or two things in common (like genre or setting or a character detail or just a vibe).

Or I’m just here to have fun and I’m dragging these characters into the fun zone whether they like it or not :P

But really, all of these are love stories in some way or another. Not that I’ve never written gen fic and I love reading gen fic! But I guess my fave fics to write are the shippy stuff. I just enjoy exploring these types of relationships, despite whether or not they “should” be together. Heck, a couple of these do not have happy endings nor should they. It’s really interesting seeing exactly how drawn to that stuff I am.

FAVE OPENING LINE This is kind of a weird thing to say, but I really don’t care a lot of my opening lines most of the time. I think they are what they need to be, but they don’t hit me the way they should? Some of these I kinda wish I could go back and change, though that’s mostly cuz out of all the lines in each of these fics the first lines I’ve read and reread the most. So it’s mostly me being my own worst critic, but I think my best writing comes more in the middle and ends of my fics, not the beginnings. 

That said, I gotta go with Violet Skies: Another day, another suitor. This one was from the far west with flowered silks and bright pastels. Prince Adam from France.

This is one of those opening lines I’d never change. The fic starts off from Jafar’s POV and he is bored of these princes coming and going and starting this big fic off with him being like “here we go again” with this basic description of Adam is exactly where the fic needed to start, so by the time the reader gets to the end of the first chapter, we know this is definitely not “here we go again” with Prince Adam~

TAGGING: @pigsinablanketfort, @heroofshield, @thenightisfullofangels, @raptorwhisperer, @theresatvjoe, aaaaaaand anybody else who wants to do it!!!!

[coldtomyflash]

Weird question, and it's perfectly okay if "I don't know" is your answer: How did you manage to do grad school AND finish writing so many good fics? I'm writing the lit review for my dissertation right now, and I want to finish several WIPs I have (if nothing else, just to prove to myself that I can), but it just feels like I can barely do either, much less both. Any advice at all?

Ah, no worries! It’s not that odd a question. Actually, someone’s asked me before ^^;  My reply to them at the time was here. No need to read it, but it’s some context? 

My reply now that my head is in a healthier place is... long and winding and not actually full of that much advice but eh, I rambled as I do. If you just want the advice, scroll all the way down and it’s there. 

For starters, I’m not a normal comparison point. This isn’t to pat myself on the back, but for a variety of reasons, writing is something that comes really naturally to me. I’ll detail those reasons, but before I get into that, the point I’m illustrating here is that... sometimes I think people compare themselves to how much I wrote and what else I accomplished in that time and think “hey cool - that is a function human! Why can’t I do that?” And the answer is short answer is that my brain is programmed for pretty much one thing, and that thing is writing writing, and holy crap I was the opposite of a functional human when writing that much and that quickly.

The long answer is - 

I’ve been making up stories literally as long as I can remember. I spent my childhood consuming stories. I taught myself to read and was during school I was consistently reading about 8 grade levels above my reading level, and loved learning about narrative structure. I annoyed the shit out of my older brother by reading the same book series as he read, but guessing plot points that were going to happen either in that book or else 2-3 books out. he didn’t get how I would just know and I’d be like “it’s obvious - that’s where the story has to go!” Because I was imagining it in my head - what i would do with it, where it would go, where it had to go. Closing the page mid0chapter and imagining the next-scene, and then picking back up to see how right or wrong I was.

And I had a best friend for most of my childhood through to early adulthood with whom I made stories. Every weekend, creating narratives together, not writing them down but basically roleplaying them by talking them out (voices and all, it was a heck of a lot of fun, as much as it made me pretty much the nerdiest teen in existence). We tried to write a novel when we were 12, got about 7 chapters in. We had a lot of starts and stops on other stories too.

Which isn’t said to stroke my own ego, it’s said to highlight that I have a metric fuckton of explicit and implicit practice at storytelling. It was and sort of is my “whole life”. I also had teachers that helped me develop storytelling skills, and was really freaking lucky to go to a school with an AP program for English that seriously stretched my ability to write fast. We had to write an essay every single class, during class, and have it finished by the end of class (or in less time if we had lecture stuff to go over too) in my last year of high school. The essays could be creative response (i.e., short stories). I wrote a short story almost every week in the space of an hour when I was 17. By the time I got to the end of year final and actually got to use a computer and type that shit instead of hand-cramping halfway through, I somehow managed to write the two-essay final in the allotted 3 hours and, i shit you not, had a wordcount of 6000 words. 

That’s still my record. It was probably a dumpster fire but I got 100% probably for sheer volume.

Anyway that was over a decade ago, but the whole reason this life story is pertinent is because - 

I have practice. The only way to improve at anything, to get faster at it, for it to ease, is to practice. Practice at storytelling, practice at having to set a scene using just words sitting in my BFF’s room and trying to describe the image I had in my head for how I wanted her to see the scene as it was playing out. Practice at writing fast and getting feedback on how to write. Practice implicitly at trying to imagine what routes stories can take. Practice taking stories apart and piecing them back together, in my head, all the time.

So that’s part of it. 

The other part, and this is what I said in my previous post, was depression. I was seriously fucking burnt out and depressed when I started writing coldflash fic, and grad school took a huge toll on my mental health. It’s easier to write when you’re doing it to procrastinate working on your dissertation, and easier to keep writing when you get positive feedback and it feeds those lovely dopamine gremlins in your brain who aren’t getting any positive validation from grad school because holy damn that shit is hard.

I had no balance in my life for a long time. It wasn’t good. I went to counselling. I got more balance. Fic slowed down. Still finished, but not 120k words in 3 months (that was the pace when I started fic writing...jfc I don’t know how I managed.) Life got harder. Fic was now harder to write. I got more counselling. Fic was easier to write. I moved around the world. Fic got harder to write. I started anti-depressants. Narratives now seem to be flowing again. 

Regardless of the state of my mental health though, I’ve never written as much as quickly as I did during the middle of grad school. And I think that’s because I was very narratively pent up when I started writing fic. I had been so busy and pushing myself so damn hard in grad school that I didn’t make almost any time for stories, for fic, for imagining my own stories. I was suppressing that side of myself in the service of Focus. So when I burnt out, my narrative side rebounded and said “fuck that noise, I still exist, and we’re making space for me”. It took over. I came literally a hair’s breadth from quitting my PhD post candidacy. Idk what type of program you’re in, but business schools in North America? It’s a 5 year PhD typically, and I was at the end of year 3 and eyeing the door.

Anyway - I say all that because - 

I am not a good example and you should not do what I did. Finishing that many long WIPs that quickly wasn’t healthy, and was only possible because I didn’t do much else at the time, and had a lifetime of practice and a narrative rebound to make it even possible. 

But - 

My actual advice?

1) Practice. Practice. Practice. 

Not all at once, but everything counts. Daydreaming counts. Watching shows and thinking of how they could be improved counts. Talking out story ideas with friends counts. Just make it fun. Practice is something we think of as arduous and annoying. Learning new words is practice. Meeting new people and considering their traits is practice. Everything can be practice for writing. All the research you do can be practice for writing. (Random note: a childhood coping mechanism for anxiety that I had was to narrate what I was doing to myself in my head in the 3rd person. Like telling a story of myself walking to gym class in my own head. That was also practice.)

2) Have fun with it! 

Don’t making writing an obligation. Then it’s another thing on the list of things you avoid. Finishing stories often feels like an obligation. I’m going through this right now with Needs Must. It can be hard to complete a WIP because you start to have internal anxieties about disappointing readers, not living up to expectations, exhaustion from that narrative, distraction / temporary loss of interest (which is normal! and not actually a bad thing!). All of that then makes you feel guilty, which makes it impossible to get into a creative space to write. You can’t work on the thing you’re avoiding.

3) It’s okay to give your WIPs breathing space. 

When you hit a wall, you may need to set it aside and read it again in a month with fresh eyes. You may need to treat your story like someone else’s story. That’s, again, literally where I’m at right now with Needs Must. I just reread a bunch of it and hadn’t really forgotten the details but once they’re on the page they’re out of my head, and so taking some time before going back to reread it made it easier for me to think of like I think of every other story: “what would I do next with this? Oh that’s a twist, that needs to come back later. There’s a theme here, we’ve seen that three times. What’s the best ending I, as a reader now, can imagine for this?”

If avoidance, guilt, and/or writer’s block aren’t your issue, and it’s literally just down to time management - 

4) Your graduate degree is more important than your WIPs. 

Your WIPs aren’t going anywhere, they don’t have a deadline, and your readers will wait for you, and new ones will find you. Time management is an essential, awful, part of being an academic. 

I get more done, both at work and creatively on fic, when I’m just a bit too busy, but that’s me. Figure out what is optimal for you, and do it. When do you get the most writing done? When you’re relieved? When you’re anxious? Late at night? First thing in the morning? When does it flow? When won’t it ruin your graduate career?

(Seriously I was writing fic at work last week and was kicking myself. I don’t have time for that shit! Set boundaries on your time!)

But full serious here, graduate school is exhausting, and almost inherently de-motivating, and even the best damn students eye the door a lot of the time, even if they do finish. It’s stressful and you feel constantly powerless. It’s a lot to need to cope with. I found writing to be a way to cope. That lit review you’re working on? Yeah, it’s zapping your time and energy. That’s normal (unfortunately). And it’s good to give yourself breaks from that to write. Don’t feel guilty for taking time here and there for yourself - to write, or to not write. To relax, unplug, unwind. To close your eyes and daydream (if you’re me) or have a bubble bath (if you’re my sister), or do whatever helps you honestly, genuinely destress. The best thing you can do for both writing and for graduate school is to take breaks and take time for yourself. There is actual science on the importance of breaks, and academics are fucking notorious for putting too much pressure on themselves to actually relax.

5) If you’re burnt out and/or depressed - seek help! 

Most universities have resources for mental health! Talk to a doctor! Don’t put too much stress and pressure on yourself! Almost half of grad students are mentally ill at some point!

6) Talk out your stories with friends! 

I know I already said this under “practice” but having a fandom friend to bounce ideas with and cheer you on is amazing and essentially. I was in constant contact with Bealeciphers when I started writing, and now I have a different friend who’s helped me the past couple years with writing and developing my stories. Mostly they cheer me on, and when I’m stuck, I tell them where the story is going and what I need help with. But honestly, writing doesn’t need to happen in a vacuum and doesn’t need to be you hunched over a laptop in the dark all alone and staring blankly at a screen (I’m definitely not projecting here, no siree). It’s amazing how motivating it is and how much it can help you stay on track to check in regularly with other writing friends!

7) Pick your battles.

You say you have a... couple(?) of WIPs? How many are you juggling? Is it too many? Do you need to set one (or two??) aside? When my steam was slowly and AATJS and Tumbling Together started to feel like a chore, I set TT aside and took a month break from AATJS then dived right back into AATJS (with the help of the friend mentioned above, cheering me on) because I knew it would be the harder one to finish, and the one that I feared I’d never finish if I put it aside too long. I tackled the biggest hurdle first. If that’s the type of thing for you, I recommend it. Pick the story that’s either the most or least likely to get finished, and focus your energy there.

Another battle-picking thing here? It’s okay to outsource. I’m terrible for not using a proofreader beta. It’s a weird control thing, despite the fact that I love people pointing out typos in my works so I can freaking fix them. The point here is: don’t be like me. If you suck at finding your own typos, use a beta or proofreader. My writer friend who helps me helps when I get stuck. I help them when they need feedback on specific scenes and tones, and I’ve recently discovered they hate editing (I love editing) so this entertains me to no end. Just - you don’t have to do it all yourself. If you feel like you do, see points 5 and 6 again.

Aaaannnddd that’s that. Whew. I just spent... wow, too long on this. I spent as much time on this as I did on my own grad student’s lit review I was providing feedback on today ^^; #whoops 

[veryoriginalnameokaychill]

DREAM TALK (literal sleep dreams)

So I had a dream with spiders. I think... fourth dream of spiders this year.

Dream 1: a bunch of baby spiders overwhelming me.

dream 2: dude with a spider pet. The spider was chilling on his sleeve. Just clinging there. I screamed at him, “GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT SPIDER, BOI” 

He, of course, did not listen. He gave me an exact replica of his spider. Now, let me describe this spider. This spider was big, fluffy, and generally harmless. Think Lukas the Spider (from youtube) but CHONK. Okay, so this spider, given to me by this boiii, clung to my wrist, and let me say, let me say this honestly:

I freaked out. I screamed. I cried. “GET IT OFF ME, TAKE IT BACK.” I yelled. But this hooded sneaky child just looked at me with amusement as I struggled. Honestly, I swear, I tried to emulate chill as he did, “make peace with my spider” as it would, but yeah nah mate that wasn’t happening and I just continued to freak out. I would YEET my spider, and it would keep coming back to my wrist, and the cycle continued until I woke up.

I think that’s pretty telling of my mental state, and the way I deal with problems lmao (especially my anxiety and panic) YEET

Now, I said I had four dreams but I don’t remember the third. If there was a third??? I’m pretty sure there was one more dream🤔🤔 Discuss, was there another dream or am I just putting this in my thoughts for filler? (yikes, that’s kind of scary) ANYWHO MOVING ON

Dream 4: So like, this happened recently. A couple days ago. 3 spiders. In my room. The first two were small, almost insignificant. The third one tho...

It was slender. White legs and... a black body? A redness too. Kind of like your average iconic spider. Australian spider lol. I remember it’s beady black eyes. It stood pretty tall. Makes me shudder thinking of it.

Now, I remember these dreams because there’s a vividness to them, that makes me k n o w there’s a deeper meaning behind them and all damnit my skin is crawling tHAT SPIder’S gOIng’S TO GET me.

But no, what made it so intriguing was that?? the spider? wasn’t doing anything? It was just??? existing??? Giving me the heebie jeebies anyways.

Honestly, rereading the description makes me want to cry ngl

I still don’t know what to make of the dream, but it was significant. It was sort of... blocking the way to my bed. I heard my dad talking in the hallway, but I was sort of laying/sitting on the floor, fascinated with the spider. Idk how many ways I can find the way to say “the spider looked cool”. perhaps like, morbid curiosity.

Reflecting on it, the spider was sharp, elegant. There was no fuzz on it at all, like a sea spider. Really, I don’t think there’s any real life replica of this spider, what I would base it on. JUST A COOL SPIDER BRO, CHILLING

Anywho, that’s it, folks. I think... the more ways you can describe your dreams, the better? I mean, obviously. I think. idk. Okay, so interesting to note on these dreams, there wasn’t any webs involved. Looking on dream interpretation sights online (my favourite is auntyflo, idk why, she just vibes, I like her website layout), anyway it points out webs are pretty telling symbolism. So it must say something that my spider dreams don’t include webs, just the spider. Interesting, it must mean... not that I’m trapped, just coexisting with a spider.

I think it’s important I figure out what the spider itself means. Online, patience is one of the keywords. I don’t think it applies here. I mean, somewhat. I just, I get Other Mother/Beldam vibes from it. Holy, that actually sounds pretty accurate? holy (bel)damn (haha cheap jokes) I think I cRaCkEd ThE cOdE

Well, just for dream 4 anyways. Huh, I don’t know what to do with the information. WOW IF THAT SPIDER IS THE BELDAM THAT’S PRETTY HECKING COOL THE INITIAL IMPRESSIONS I GET FROM BOTH OF THEM ADD UP. The morbid curiosity? The coolness I inherently find from both of them? 

Well, anywho, I missed the point in this post. idk. Idk guys, I feel like I accomplished something today lmao

LIKE C’MON BEADY BLACK EYES? TALL? SLENDER? I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. WHAT THE HELL IS MY MIND

I think the Beldam represents corruption of the soul. Deeper, darker regions of the mind/soul. Like a black hole of desire. Never... sated. To me anyways.

AHHH GOD BLESS CORALINE IT’S STILL IN MY LIFE EVEN TODAY AHHH I LOVE IT.

Shit, I consider this #dream interpretation a success. I have to sit on my description for a bit now, “chew on it”

HONESTLY I’M STILL SHOOK THAT I WAS ABLE TO CONNECT THE TWO TOGETHER A HHHH HHHHH HHHH HHH

(I made this in google drawings to help with visualization)

[coldtomyflash]

Things I would Do Different if I Re-Wrote AATJS

This is random but while getting job apps done this week I’ve been rereading AATJS (because why not - I’ve never actually read it after it was done) and thinking back on conversations I’ve had about it, reading comments on it, and I’ve come to a few conclusions.

So eh, dumping my thoughts here for any interested parties :)

(major spoilers for the end of the fic under the cut!)

Big Changes

There’s only a few broad / large scale changes I would make, I think, and they all feed into one another.

There’s some stuff with how the climax occurs that isn’t well foreshadowed within the fic. Or if it’s foreshadowed, the narrative still doesn’t build up to it properly.

A main thing I would change would be to introduce the notion of metagenes much sooner and talk about it as something Caitlin is researching actively. Bring it up early in the fic and leave it there. When Barry is searching for metas to warn about the military, maybe have them discuss using a search based on genetics but toss it aside as too much of a violation of privacy and too danger to have a list like that. Have him actually get to interact with the meta he goes searching for at the circus (when he and Len run into James Jesse in the fic) to make the theme of metas more prominent throughout. In this way, I’d also introduce the military element a little sooner / stronger, and Dr. Eilias.

Feeding into that, I have serious changes I would make to the Hartley / James storyline. Right now, it’s uncomfortable to me. I did my damn best not to make it abuse-apologist after I wrote James’ behavior as totally deplorable, but at the end of the day, the narrative still advocates: “if you think they’ve changed, take them back”. It’s not a narrative I want to advocate, regardless of how sincere James’s changes are in the fic. And there are reasons I wrote that storyline the way I did that deal with people in my life, but honestly, it’s bullshit and I kind of hate how it fell out.

What I’d do instead is make Hartley’s Soulmate someone else. Some abusive asshole who had serious internalized homophobia and never really dealt with it. And I’d have Hartley as having left him, except they’d stay separated. I would use Hartley both as a cautionary tale (”soulmates don’t always end up together”) but also give him a better ending with a more beautiful theme to it: he’d end up with James anyway, except James would be Unmarked. He’d be someone else that Hartley falls in love with, maybe someone from the circus or else an additional Rogue struggling to come to terms with his identity as he starts to fall for Hartley from the sidelines while Hartley’s busy flirting with Len. Maybe I’d make him a meta (and not use James Jesse, idk) to fit with that theme. But he wouldn’t be Hartley’s Soulmate, and the lesson would be: “you can fall in love with someone else and never see your Soulmate again and still be happy and fulfilled.” Because honestly, that to me is a much more powerful storyline.

This would also allow me to introduce the notions of NAB Blockers and Breaking Bonds much sooner and in a much bigger way. Hartley would be contemplating Breaking his Bond with his Soulmate, but he hasn’t been able to go through with it yet. Sometime in the middle of the fic’s narrative, or at least after things with him and Len shake out and after he becomes a Rogue, Hartley would Break his Bond. Then we would know it’s possible and would learn about Dr. Elias’s research here.

(For the record, all of this would up the “consequences” element for Barry and Len sorting their shit out, though that’s not the sole reason for doing it, of course).

Speaking of Barry and Len, there’s a few things I would change there. For one, I would make it clearer up front some of the extra stuff Barry is dealing with which only gets revealed later in the fic. I might drop the “there’s an alternate future / timeline where he married Iris, a la season 1 newspaper″ storyline altogether because it’s... bumpy. But I’d acknowledge that he’s still getting over his love for Iris and watching her and Eddie be together and have that life and have a kid is tough on him. I’d acknowledge up front and quick that it’s only been about a month since Len’s betrayal at Ferris Air, and that’s a huge part of why Barry is struggling to trust Len and worried at the outset. I’d make it clearer that he’s still re-grieving his mother and conflicted over how things shook out with Eobard and laboring to get his life in order.

And I’d make it clear very quickly that Barry is struggling to protect everyone. I think I would use Joe a lot more in the fic for this (a lot more in the first half in general). Have scenes after Joe’s leg got injured where Barry is wracked with guilt over how things went at the gala. Show more of Barry’s fear that he can’t protect Len from the rest of the shit in his life, including maybe a nightmare about Joe shooting Len (because if the cold field hadn’t been in place, well, that pretty much almost happened). Just... give more evidence of Barry’s motives and not play up the self-deception and repression stuff so much, or else make better use of the perspectives of those around him to showcase his conflict if he himself isn’t understanding what’s going on in his own head.

Minor Changes

Some people won’t think this is a minor change, but I think it ultimately is: I’d give Barry and Len back their bleed at the end, after a fashion.

I always intended for it to break. For Barry to tell Len he loves him only after there’s nothing in place that Len could possibly ‘blame’ for keeping Barry at his side or for distorting how Barry feels about him. I actually think that’s important, and kind of stand by that decision still. It seriously wasn’t done for shock value or to hurt the reader. Subverting the soulmate tropes? Yes. But with a lot of forethought.

But. I think I’d give it back. I’d make their Mark turn into a Widow Mark (it’s not specified in the fic currently but it never does go black, and I’d change that) but like Caitlin and Ronnie, I’d have some measure of the bleed return to them, after a bit. I’d give a bit more space at the end to flesh that out, I think, too. The end was a bit rushed. I was just so ready to be done with the long fucking thing that AATJS is and I write very quick resolutions post-climax as a general rule, but I think it needed a bit more than I gave it.

So yeah, I’d have it start to flutter and return. Maybe not as strong, maybe stunted. “A little scarred and jagged, just like us.” It would be nice, right? And I’d do it even maybe just shortly after the love confession, even. Because while it’s sort of a picture-perfect happy ending... after all the complete and utter bullshit and heaviness of the fic, they sort of deserve that? (i.e., you can tell I was pretty depressed when I first started writing this, I think....)

Another minor change I’d make is about their discussions on kids. I wouldn’t change much except to make Len’s issues on it clearer, him seriously wanting kids, always wanting kids, but not letting himself want them. I’d introduce that to his cognitions before Barry ever bringing it up, I think, but make it clear that Len’s in total denial about it.

I’d also change... something about Kane. I’m not sure what, exactly. Because there’s a serious issue in the fic with the whole “lesbians always die” trope. Because there’s Pam and Angie, who lived a long and happy life but ultimately are both dead by the end of the fic, even if they died of old age. And there’s Bette and Kane, who never even got to be together before Bette died. And that’s... so shitty I hate it. I don’t know what I’d fix about it because I love Pam and Angie so much and I like what Pam’s existence brings to the story via Mick, and I love Kane and her motivations help humanize her and what she’s been through at Eiling and Elias’s hand but... I’m still somewhat dissatisfied. So I’d fix something in there.

And the most minor of changes: I’d never in a million years include such cringe-worthy attempts to use random words from other languages from both Hartley and James’ PoVs, especially swear words. Like wtf, why. Just why. That’s a trope I learned from fic and while showcasing bilingualism is great, or having Hartley spout off random Latin phrases when appropriate is in character, I really went about it so poorly. So sorry, guys. It’s just... cringeworthy.

Conclusion

That’s all of them off the top of my head. Some of these came about just due to hindsight (the Hartley and James stuff, the making motives and mindsets clearer) and some came about because they’re Bad Tropes I became aware of either during or after writing it. Some are because I knew more or less that, for instance, the military was going to abduct Len and do something with his Bond/NAB to mess with Barry’s head and ultimately the Bond would break, but I didn’t actually have the military’s motives pinned down until right before I worked on that arc of the fic. So there’s a lot of meandering and not a lot of proper build into the specifics there, with a lot of details introduced right at that arc toward the end. That’s just something that happens that means things inherently will improve on re-writing.

Not that I ever intend to re-write that monster (omg I would never have the time or energy) but it’s always good to take an honest look at your writing, and I figured it might even help other writers out there if I candidly shared some major changes my fic could use to improve :) Because we can all always improve.

And hey, if I ever decide to take this fic and turn it into an original work (probably dropping the metahuman element but supplanting it with something else... I’ve genuinely mapped out how I’d write it as an original work), then at least I know what the structure would look like :