#is imprinting on a baby creep? oh hell yes

[jaybren]

Reason #394 Why Twilight Disappoints Me

When Jacob imprinted on Renesmee, his first response to Edward and Bella wasn't to point out how the age gap is less than a third the gap between Edward and Bella.

[moonstruckme]

Hii!! I had an idea for soft!eddie x reader… I hope you like it!

So what about soft!eddie x reader that watch a horror movie before bed because Eddie wanted to and reader said yes… but then reader wakes up from a nightmare and gets a little bit paranoid? Like she wants to go get a glass of water, but she’s so scared that she’ll see a creepy face appear out of no where? Or she doesn’t want to look at the windows and that kind of stuff? (When I wake up in the middle of the night, I get so paranoid/scared, I wish Eddie was there 😭) and she finally gets up to get a glass of water and then (in between all of that Eddie woke up) Eddie says something like ‘why are you awake at 2am’ and she has a jump scare, and drops her glass, and basically the adrenaline kicks in and she starts to cry because it’s too much and she was so scared? And Eddie just hugs her and comforts her and he helps her falls back asleep?

I hope all of that made sense… if not… I’m so sorry😭😭

I’m sending lots of love!! Have a good day/night!! 💗💗🫶

- ☀️

Thanks for requesting lovely <3

Eddie Munson x fem!reader ♡ 750 words

It’s a while before you can convince yourself to set one foot on the floor, but the inside of your mouth feels like it’s made of wool and something needs to be done about this. When no clawed hand reaches out to yank you underneath the bed, you take it as a sign of good faith. 

Your footsteps are featherlight and cautious, every dark corner and unshuttered window a threat. An empty threat, you remind yourself, but even the voice in your head is shaky. 

The Munsons don’t have glasses, but they do have an array of things picked up from here and there, plastic cups from restaurants and old containers and one plain mug for Wayne’s coffee. You grab a cleaned-out jam jar from the top shelf, filling it with cold water from the tap. It does the trick, sweet and refreshing on your tongue. You feel instantly better. 

You pad back towards Eddie’s room with a clearer head. It was just a movie. There’s no creeping shadows here, no cloud so thick it blots out the moon. There’s fluorescent light from the street coming in through Eddie’s windows, and families sleeping in the trailers on either side of you. Nothing bad could happen to you here. 

You slow as you get to Eddie’s room, trying to be quiet. 

“Hey.” 

Your gasp is so sharp it hurts a little in your chest. Your body stiffens, the condensation on the glass making it slip from your hand. It shatters on the floor. 

“Shit, what the hell?” 

You turn, and it’s Eddie—of course it’s Eddie, who else would it be?—standing behind you in the dark hallway, a pillow crease imprinted on his cheek. 

“Oh my god.” Your voice comes out breathless, and you press your hands over your eyes. 

“Babe, what—shit, are you crying? Are you hurt?” You shake your head, and Eddie’s hands come around your arms, pulling you towards him. “Careful, don’t step on the glass. I scared you, huh?” 

You nod as he folds you into his chest, scrubbing up and down between your shoulder blades. 

“Yeah? Well fuck, don’t to cry about that,” he says, panic melding back into sleepiness as his voice takes on a fond bent. “I wouldn’t’a hurt ya.” 

“I thought you were the ghost,” you mumble sheepishly into his chest. 

Eddie pauses for a moment. Your face feels ten degrees hotter. 

“Me?” He sounds like he’s smiling. Then he lets go of you, taking your face between his hands, and you know he is. It’s giant and goofy, its own sort of light to combat the dark corners. “Shit, sweetheart, I’m flattered. But no dice.” Eddie shrugs like this is something he can’t help. “All flesh and blood in here, baby. The gross stuff.” 

“Yeah,” you say quietly, embarrassed. Those couple of quick tears have already mostly dried, but Eddie swipes at them with his thumbs anyway, grinning like you’re silly. “I’m sorry I broke your glass.” 

“It happens all the time,” he reassures you. “Don’t sweat it, I’ll clean it up in the morning.” He takes a big step over the glass shards, offering you a hand to help you do the same. Doesn’t let go of it even when you’re on the other side. “Should I be worried that you’re up at 2 in the morning looking for ghosts?” 

“I was getting water,” you mumble, letting him sit you down on the edge of the bed. Eddie gives you a look. “I also don’t really do well with scary movies.” 

“Yeah. I figured that one out when you wouldn’t go to sleep until I closed the blinds.” He grins. You smile back bashfully, and he makes a dramatic groaning sound, hauling you into a hug. “You should’a told me you didn’t want to watch it. I wouldn’t have picked it if I’d known you’d get all freaked.” 

“I didn’t want to be a wuss,” you say. You can practically feel Eddie rolling his eyes over the top of your head. 

“You can’t fight your true nature, babe. But it’s cool.” He flops the both of you over so you’re laying down between him and the wall. “This way, anything that wants to get you will have to go through me.” 

You turn in his arms, pouting. “I don’t want anything to have to go through you.” 

“Then let's go back to there are no ghosts, ‘kay?” He plants a kiss between your brows, snuggling you close. “Sleep tight, scaredy cat.” 

[kcatta-wodahs]

MC Who Does Not Fear Death x OM! Demon Brothers

Or maiming, or apparently any other consequences. You’ve walked into this situation with absolutely no filter and no fear. Time to tear down every structure of Devildom society.

Lucifer

You look at him with a withering stare when he tries to intimidate you into behaving.

“I was summoned out of my trashy apartment to this place, where literally anyone could snap me like a twig on accident. I’m just working on the assumption that I’m already dead.”

He sternly looks at you. “You’re under my protection during your time here. No harm will come to you.”

You snort derisively, which visibly irritates him. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t come back to haunt you if it happens.”

As you continue through your life in Devildom he keeps calling you out for meddling and all that, like usual, and he HATES that you literally *do not care* when he threatens you.

Like HE knows that he wouldn’t hurt Diavolo’s transfer student but YOU are supposed to be AFRAID of him dammit.

His frustration at this ends up turning into a form of respect. You’re about the only person who will stand up to him, and tbh like you’re so fucking fragile but you’ll yell at him all day? That takes guts. Annoying guts. But you’ve got guts.

But also STOP IT. He has enough stress in his life and now he’s constantly terrified that you’ve decided it’s a great idea to adopt a baby balrog

Which you did once. He’s just afraid that “Flamin Hot Cheeto” is going to come back since you somehow managed to imprint on it.

despite the fact that the BABY could easily tear your arms off on accident

Not to mention he gets the flack for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these following stories. You stress him out so much. Please. Please, stop. 

He’s almost to the point of begging. The Avatar of Pride is three steps away from either locking you away for the rest of the year or begging on his knees for you to calm down. 

 But you know you’d find a way out if he locked you up so no worries. It’ll be a good challenge.

Mammon

“Well you WON’T be dead because it’s my job to protect you! Are you doubting the Great Mammon?!”

Stupid human. Yeah, you’re fragile and weak, but that’s why HE’S your bodyguard now, and there’s no way in hell (lol) that he would let you die on his watch.

Lucifer would kill him.

You welcome the challenge, and he thinks it’s funny at first but quickly becomes a flustered mother hen.

“NO, we are NOT going out to Madam Scream’s at 3am! Do ya know what kinda CREEPS are out there at 3am?!”

And you sneak out the fucking window.

He has had more heart attacks in the past week than he has had in the last 100 years of life.

He starts agreeing to your ridiculous adventures JUST because then he can actually keep an eye on you. 

He adores the chaos of the laugh that bursts from you every time you narrowly escape death. 

He HATES how often you have to NARROWLY ESCAPE DEATH. So he will never tell you.

He almost doesn’t have time for his own shenanigans anymore, because all his time is taken up by trying to make sure you stay alive.

And you’ve figured out that if you turn *any* of your ideas into a money-making one, he will join you whole-heartedly.

So you bribe him because what’s money to you anymore anyway?

Leviathan

I mean he doesn’t leave his room much, so tbh he probably just gets texts from you that make him want to scream.

‘hey uh levi say if someone were to hypothetically be stuck in a succubus’ devil basement to become an unwilling sacrifice to asmo what would that person, hypothetically, do?’

‘probably die’ is usually all he sends back

You always come back, because he always sends a text to the other brothers. In that case Asmo came to rescue you himself and scold the succubus.

You become the friend that he makes funny throwing-shade reddit posts about. (Devvit? Devil reddit? Eh??)

‘Levi so this has nothing to do with anything but is there a cure for a dangerously potent ‘always win at rock-paper-scissors' curse? Asking for a friend’

‘Friend is being held hostage tho so maybe be quick about a response’

He didn’t even know that kind of curse existed. None of them did. What the fuck did you do.

How did you get taken captive by playing rock paper scissors?

He doesn’t know. Nobody does. He expects the play-by-play so he can recommend it as a new anime to his favorite producers. 

Somehow your chaotic plans end up with stories almost as great as TSL. 

Beelzebub

He physically carries you around.

He’s like “fuck this you can’t get into trouble if I’m holding you.”

If Beel’s on MC watching duty, he’s almost the only one who is successful, just because you physically cannot get away. 

But at the same time, he is very easily bribed. 

So yes, he’ll go to Madam Scream’s with you at 3am. Sounds like fun.

But he is very protective after losing someone he cares about (who you remind him of so much….) so he keeps you close when you’re out and about too.

If you start getting into a fight with some other demon he literally just takes the fight for you and wins with no trouble at all.

You like having Beel with you.

Especially finding street festivals! You’re in a whole new world and there’s a MILLION things to try. Beel is more than happy to try them with you.

But that leads to arguments about whether deadly creatures to humans are still deadly when dead. 

“No, you can’t eat that it’s on fire. I know even small fires hurt humans. I’ll eat it for you.”

“That hot sauce makes every demon I know cry. You really shouldn’t buy a bottle. Please. No, don’t try it. No, that’s too much for one-- oh. Oh no.”

He forgives you as long as you don’t actually get hurt and you give him your leftovers.

Asmodeus

“If I get wrinkles because of you I promise you will never hear the end of it. I will curse you forever.”

He swears on every single one of his lovers that you have started giving him grey hairs.

GREY HAIRS, MC.

Why can’t you just settle down and let them all take care of you? You don’t have to prove anything to the other demons!

But you will. You’re living in Devildom now, and by everything unholy, you are going to live that life to its fullest extent.

He was thrilled at first when you were all for joining him at his nightclubs and parties. Now he hides every party’s date from you.

That time you almost threw yourself off a balcony to try and emulate a very drunk demon’s newest dance move.

“I need to stay TRENDY, Asmo!! I’ll be fine!!”

Ever since learning Demonus doesn’t affect humans you have challenged every single stuck-up tough boy to a drinking contest.

And every single time you win, Asmo has had to *narrowly* save you from being killed by said demon.

And you just say “he deserved it” every time.

And like, yeah okay, he probably did but YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE.

Somehow, you manage to out-party Asmo.

dON’T TELL THE OTHERS but he lives for the times when you practically fall asleep on his shoulder while coming home from a rager. You may not get drunk, but when you’re sleepy, you’re so affectionate and something in his heart melts.

Satan

At first, Satan was all for the rebellious “life life with no restraints” thought process you explained to him.

I mean, he didn’t like the assumption that he and his brothers couldn’t control themselves to not accidentally kill you, but also… fair.

But he didn’t realize that this mindset followed through for EVERY demon in ANY place.

Including RAD, where old and wizened demons were *really* not used to being contradicted

Which led to you “accidentally insulting” your 5000 year old Human Studies professor by giving them a pop quiz on current memes (which they failed).

And left Satan as the one who had to make sure that said professor didn’t kill you. 

And the thing is, this keeps happening.

You’ve written all over the school’s library books, pointing out every error.

You *continue* to argue with the demons who threaten to kill you when you say silly things like “No, Solomon did not learn his sorcery at Hogwarts because Hogwarts isn’t REAL.”

(Solomon, meanwhile, refutes you vehemently and seems to grow three inches taller every time you glare at him.)

Satan assures you that he values knowledge and truth and all that, but could you maybe find a less dangerous way to push it?

No can do, Satan, because you already had plans with Mammon to use a curse that writes the history of the actual Sorceric Academy that Solomon attended like 400 years all over the desks in Human Studies. It’s activated by anyone saying “Hogwarts”. 

No, no, Satan, it’s brilliant, because you can’t do magic. It can’t be you who did it.

Satan, no don’t tell Lucifer.

I thought you hated him. Satan, wait. 

You are the only person in the history of ever who convinces him to come to Lucifer for intervention. You wear that badge with pride and also deep, deep, bitter sadness. 

Belphegor

Like, through the plot your willingness to be a thorn in anyone’s side just to get more information really works for Belphie.

He’s like all I gotta do is ask? Sweet. Yeah. Go, human.

But then when he’s all big and threatening and “im gonna kill you” and you just kind of look at him and nod like “yeah, this checks out.” 

Frankly, that’s rude, MC. 

And then he keeps threatening to kill you and it doesn’t even PHASE you like. You just keep listening to him rant and going “OH i think i get it now”

He liked that you were always looking for more information when he was the one pushing you around, but now?

No. Human, he is going to KILL you here, STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

And then you do the time-travel bit, and see that he *literally has killed you in one timeline* and you just like

Shrug it off and keep talking about Lilith???????

Tbh what probably stopped him from doing it again is just that you’re fucking insane, MC 

“MC, you literally just saw yourself dead in Mammon’s arms”

You wave your hand vaguely in his direction and say, “Yeah okay, but can we talk about the lack of communication in this household because it is tearing this family apart.”

What the fuck MC

When he’s back to normal, tbh he loves that side of you. He loves getting into shit when he’s not sleeping. He will 100% encourage you and be there to make sure that you *don’t* actually die again.

He’s the only one who doesn’t actually try to stop you. Who knew he was so into chaos.

But if you try to drag him to a plan when he should be sleeping he will be like Beel and literally just hold you down while he naps dammit. You brought this on yourself. He needs sleep.

[rewritingthefictional]

saviour | paul lahote

Summary: sometimes you could be a little stubborn, but at least paul is there to always protect you

Requested: Hi can I request a paul lahote imagine where y/n is Paul's imprint a girl please! And she gets herself in some sort of danger and she is a very shy girl and is a pacifist so she of course wouldn't fight so paul feels that she is in danger and he saves her! Please and thank you!!♡

A/N: hiii, i hope i did this justice. Paul is the literal light of my life. Him and Embry are my entire world. I hope you enjoy it and I hope I did your request justice. I tried painting him as a normal teenager and not like the angry arc that smeyer gave him. He’s human too and I wanted to show that. …. Also, please don’t be afraid to ask me stuff or message me. I could use some people to talk to during quarantine.

Word Count: 1.5K

Warning: brief unwanted sexual contact

Female!Reader x Paul Lahote

Masterlist

You rubbed your eyes, feeling them get heavy as you stared at the textbook in front of you. You were at your best friend’s house studying for an exam you had coming up and you were beginning to get exhausted.

“Come on [Y/N], last question and then you can go home,” they encouraged with a slight chuckle. You just wanted to sleep and you could feel your body becoming heavier.

“No, I think I should head home. It’s getting late anyway and I hate driving in the dark.”

“Yeah but you got Paul to protect you so it’s fine,” they teased and you rolled your eyes.

“Paul is just your average guy, there isn’t much he could do against a bear,” you laughed, almost wishing Paul could hear you. You hated lying to your best friend about what Paul was but his secret was important to hide and you had to do what right not only for him but for the pack as well.

“Yeah you’re right. It’s a shame really, he’s got all that muscle but nothing to do with it.”

“Oh he’s got plenty to do it, trust me,” you teased and they screamed in enjoyment.

“You never did tell me how the two of you met.”

“Well, remember when I was working for the grocery store?”

“Hell yeah, you used to give me free candy all the time and now I have to pay so it shows just how much you really care about me.”

“Oh shut up!” the both of you laughed. “But anyway, I was stocking milk and I thought that I was hot shit to put it lightly and I was walking around with four gallons of milk. I had two under my arms and two in my hands. It didn’t last very long though, one of the cartons of milk slipped from under my arms and fell. At that time, Paul needed some milk and he had just turned the corner when I dropped it. The entire area was covered in milk, including his sneakers and parts of his pants…” your best friend burst into laughter.

“Oh my god, that is completely something you would do!”

“I know! And he was so angry, I could literally feel the anger in his body. I felt so bad that I immediately got down on my knees and started cleaning it with my apron. It was so embarrassing. When I had finally looked up to say I was sorry, he just stared at me in shock. I remember being completely taken aback by how beautiful he was. From there on, I knew he was going to be my person.”

“I just think it’s a little unfair that you get to meet the love of your life with milk stains on your knees and I can’t even get someone to look in my direction.”

“Sorry, I don’t make the rules,” you giggled and they rolled their eyes. The sound of your phone ringing tore you away from the conversation.

“Must be Paul,” your best friend sing-songed and you gave them the finger.

“Hi baby! What’s up? I’m still with [Y/B/F/N].”

“I thought you were back home already.”

“No, I’m leaving soon Paul I promise. We were just going over some notes.”

“I hate when you drive this late,” you rolled your eyes lovingly. Paul, always the protector.

“Would you like to stay on the phone with me?”

“Yes, I would very much like that,” you smiled, he never failed to show you just how much he cared.

“HI LOVER BOY!” your best friend yelled into the phone. Paul laughed and your heart swelled at the sound of his laughter. You would’ve done anything to keep him laughing all the time.

“Tell them I said hello,” he replied and you could just hear him smiling.

“He says hello and that I should be going home.”

“He’s probably right,” your friend pouted. You began to pack your things as Paul started to tell you about his day. He always had a story to tell because let’s face it, the boys were rowdy and did the stupidest thing.

Once you had everything packed, you gave your best friend a hug and got into your car.

“... and that is why I will never trust Jared to buy donuts ever again,” Paul finished as you started pulling out of the driveway.

“Honey, haven’t you learned your lesson. You shouldn’t trust Jared to do anything,” you joked. You were glad that the drive to your house wouldn’t take long. Your best friend lived fairly close and though you would never do it with Paul in the car, you enjoyed driving fast.

“Yeah I guess you’re right. How long till you’re home?”

“About another 10 minutes probably,” the sound of your car beeping tore your attention away from the road briefly. You noticed your gas light blinking and groaned.

“What’s wrong?”

“I need to fill up my gas tank.”

“There should be enough to get you home. I’ll pick up your car in the morning and refill it.”

“There’s no point, I’m about to pass a gas station now. I’ll just refill it,” you informed him as you began to pull into the gas station.

“[Y/N], you shouldn’t-”

“Paul, stop. I’m okay. I can do things on my own,” you got out of your car and locked it before walking into the store.

“I’m not saying you can’t do things on your own baby, I’m just worried about your safety,” you paid the cashier for the gas and went back out to pump it.

“Nothing to worry about Paulie,” you teased. He always pretended to hate the nickname but you knew deep down he loved it. He was a complete and utter softie on the inside.

“Hey there, pretty lady,” You heard a guy say behind you causing the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up. Maybe Paul was right, you should’ve waited for him.

“[Y/N], get in your car now,” Paul demanded, faintly hearing the guy in the background.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going now,” you pulled the gas pump out and went to walk into your car but stopped when a hand was placed in front of you. You jumped in surprise, dropping your phone. He looked like your average creep, one that spent all day at the gas station looking for girls like you. His hair was greasy, his skin was dirty, the bags under his eyes proved that he hadn’t slept in days and he smelled of alcohol.

“There’s no need to rush sweetheart,” he said.

“[Y/N]!” you heard Paul yell through the phone with a growl following afterward. You knew that it was only a matter of time before Paul would be here.

“Look I don’t want to cause a problem, just leave me alone and I won’t tell anyone.”

“Now why would I want to do that,” he smiled and inched closer to you causing you to take a step back.

“Because my boyfriend will be here soon and it won’t be pretty.”

He moved your hair out of your face and froze.

“Teenage boys don’t scare me, I can do so much in so little time.” He tried to kiss you but you put your hands up to your face just in time. He grabbed your wrist and pushed you against the car causing you to scream in pain.

Before he had a chance to do anything else he was pulled away. Paul had him pinned to the ground and punched him straight in the face.

“Don’t touch my girlfriend ever again, you understand me?”  

The guy barely mumbled a word out before Paul yelled again.

“I said, do you understand me?” He held his arm in the air again to threaten him.

“Paul stop, he’s had enough. Let’s just go home, please,” you pleaded. Paul took one look at you and the tears in your eyes and knew he had taken it too far. He immediately got off the man and pulled you into a hug, kissing the top of your forehead.

He walked you to the passenger side and helped you before going around to the driver's seat. The two of you drove to your house without saying a word until you pulled into the driveway and he broke the silence.

“I’m sorry,” he said without looking at you.

“What for?” you asked softly.

“For getting so angry and losing control.”

You smiled and placed your hand on his cheek to gain his attention. He looked at you, and you could see his eyes getting watery.

“Oh Paul, it’s okay. I’m not angry, don’t apologize. You were angry and scared and those are real emotions. That doesn’t make you a monster. You were protecting me.”

“I just didn't want you to ever see me so angry,” he admitted.

“So what you lost a little bit of control! You know what that’s called? Being human and being a teenager. As long as both you and I are okay, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

“I love you [Y/N],” you smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

“I love you too Paulie” you replied and he chuckled into the kiss. “Thank you for being my savior tonight.”

“That’s what boyfriends are for right?”

“No, that’s what Paul’s are for.”

“All the Paul’s?”

“No just you. Always just you.”

[beamsmom]

Fics I've written for sunakomo week 🌻 it's completed you can find em here

Day 1

Prompt: "it's nice to meet you"

Suna's POV 

A denim jacket over the shaggy sweatshirt that has life-changing lines imprinted on it, no gender just swag, that's what it reads, the broken amends of the crucified ripped jeans that my parents hate, I proudly wear those and I pick up my skate, glancing one last time in the mirror.

 "Uhh, how am I still single? " 

Yeah, my very first thought. 

I swirl around to some beats, throwing some TikTok dance steps. I open my window and slip down my skate in between my arms, trying to step out numb on my toes keeping it quiet as much as I can and my one foot trip on the roof and my body rolls down through the slanted wood and hugs the holy mother earth echoing a thudding sound while my limbs pain me down. 

I shouldn't be outside at this hour, wait what time is it again ?, gazing up at the sky I reckon the moon's position.

"It's 2 or 3 AM"

I embark on finding my skate and my eyes catch a scene that hurts me more than my back. 

Some dog is chugging on my skate. It isn't some normal dog, it's the most beautiful creature, a pitbull. That thing has the aura of some ragious God dog. I step forward and horror rapidly runs throughout my spin. 

What a great day. I spread my lips wider ready to start a fight with the dog's owner. I swivel my head on either side scavenging them.  I'm not really a ragious person but I'm off beat now and then and that's now and then is too often. 

I kneel and give the damned dog an astounding smile. " You aren't eating my skate, give me my skate, please" and the dog growls right at my face, rendering its sharp fangs, daring me to open my mouth again. I waved both hands in the air, accepting my defeat. 

Okay, somehow it appears mad, his eyes are red bloodshot and he leers ragious and that thing engraved its fangs deeper on my plain Rick and Morty mimed board. 

Ouch ouch ouch 

Enough with playing the nice guy, I'm gonna have to do what has to be done. I hold the other side of the skate and force it towards me. 

Why the hell is this small shit so strong? Why isn't his owner around?? 

"Give me my skate," I yell and it barks at me. 

"See dog-" it barks again but this time it's louder. 

"See, SIR, I'm already sneaking out, if you're barking, gonna wake my parents up, I'm going to be grounded for a couple of months and we don't want that, do we ?" 

"Give me my skate, you piece of sh-t, wait, once your owner gonna be here, they'll pay for your deeds, f-ckface" 

I hear someone from the back. I cocks my head in their direction. It's bland and dark. I can't see anything but a stepping silhouette and his voice sounds ethereal.

Why am I getting carried away, I have to yell at them? 

"I'm so sorry," he says, bowing down. 

A boy who is probably of my age, he's wearing a tee which goes as yes I'm wearing a meme and white sweatpants. Adorable.

"Wait-, you didn't give me a chance to be mad at you" I pour, crossing my hands at my chest. 

"What?" he obliviously stares at me through his lashes. 

"I mean, nothing" I choke up on my own words, and all of sudden my heart beats fast and it's about to come out of my mouth. His face, his damned face. I never thought it could be possible to feel this physical attraction to someone. Wait are we gay panicking over a stranger, yess most definitely we are. 

He hesitantly pierces his lips together and our eyes meet and I have always been competitive in everything, so I have no intention of breaking it. He twitches the corner of his mouth and walks towards me. He leans down, plucking the other side of the skate from my hand.

"Ponny, please baby take this out of your mouth, see I can't do this in the middle of a night, please, you're causing trouble to them" 

The dog finally let go of the skate and oh god and the condition of it. I can cry a river just right there. He pats his dog and puts back his leash.

He is too sweet, if it were my pet I probably would've yelled and snatched the thing away without even thinking. 

"Hey I'm so sorry, ponny can get hard sometimes. She's just too much to deal with, I'm so sorry, I'll pay for your skate"  his eyes are apologetic. He appeared genuinely upset about my skate. 

"No it's fine, I can fix it" I try to soothe him. Although I respectfully su-k at comforting people, it's the effort that counts. So bare with me.

"For real ?" He beams at me and I see sprinkles and stars in his eyes and oh man he's the human version of a golden retriever. 

~~a part of me want to pat his head so bad~~ 

"Yeah, I just have to change the board and repaint it" I replied, picking up my broken board.

"I can help you with that," he sings.

"Um, honestly you don't have to go through all that because of me" 

"No, no it's fine"

"Well, we can meet at my house after school, I guess"  

"Yeah sure," he enunciates.

"You know I used to have a pet as well" for the first time, I tried to hold a conversation with someone. So I thought it'd be great to tell him a story about my pet hamster.

"Yeah?" he replied, exhibiting a smile.

"His name was hamster" 

"You name your hamster, hamster," he asks and I nod in response, cause the choice I had was to either call him the rock or the hamster, I chose the one I liked the most.

"Well it was better than calling him the rock" 

He laughs and I catch myself staring. He is intriguing.

"I'm Komori motoya" he offers a handshake.

I take his all small fingers under my hand's embrace, "I'm suna rintaoru" 

"It's nice to meet you, rin-san" 

"It's nice meeting you too" 

"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow ?" 

"Yeah you will" 

"Night komo" 

"Good night" 

I turn back and crash into someone," watch out moron" if I've known the words that are going to slip out of my mouth are my last words I would have chosen them more wisely. My mum is standing there, exhibiting no emotions, "rin". Oh god. 

"Hii mum, what are you doing outside at this hour," I say, trying to break the awkwardness creeping up in the environment. All of a sudden I can sense the humidity in the air, my shirt clings to tacitly on me. 

"You're grounded for a month," she warns. 

"Yes ma'am, wait it's like I can't go out but someone can come in, right ?" 

"Well, I guess" 

"Sure" 

She quirks a brow towards me, " have you found someone? I mean finding out romantically since you've never asked that question and I'm speaking from my experience of grounding you several times"

"Perhaps, that's something is for the future" 

"Don't get hurt, okay ?"

"Don't play the nice mom after grounding me for a month" 

She shakes her head and gestures to me to get back inside.

The end

[fics-not-tragedies]

Dead as dead can be: Part Two

prologue - one - two - three - four - five - six - seven

Well I must admit... it’s been a really hot minute since I posted the first chapter. But but but! I was really kindly asked by few people to update this fic sooner, so here we go. We all are in Hell together!

SUMMARY: Adrienne teases and uses Constantine again after he regains his consciousness. Words: 2184; Warnings: smut (masturbation, blow-job), some blood drinking too;

Readers tag list:

@spookier-than-u; @sparrowsparrow; @oreofenyloetyloamina; @derangedcupcake; @geostarr; @catsmieow; @wickedlangdon; @bodhi-black; @bugalouie; @onebatch--twobatch​; @fandom-lover-4; @mikaneonox; @drunkonyellow; @spadesandaces2342; @harrisongslimited; @a–1–1–3; @hhighkey; @lunilate; @i-cant-remember-my-old-login; @sgt-morgan; @coloursunlimited; @childrenofthegun; @weminiaturestrawberry; @silverlambcaptain; @scarletmoon83; @howtoruin-someones-perfect-day; @krazycags01; @charlottebonnie; @moonlit-raven-haven; @girl-at-the-verge; @boopdedoop; @jardani-jovonovich-bitch; @ladyreapermc;

“Constantine…” her sultry voice filled his whole head, the unpleasant sinking feeling still overwhelming his whole body, the weight on his chest hasn’t moved an inch. The darkness around him was too consuming, surprisingly too pleasant and he’d much rather stay like that forever, than wake up and face the reality, “Constantine… wake up” he could feel her claws digging into the flesh of his neck, probably leaving another set of harsh marks, like he didn’t had enough of those already.

“Adrienne…” he gasped, his body jolting back into reality, eyes blinking, the unpleasant brightness of her room making him gasp once again.

She was sitting on top of him, straddling his hips, her hand brushing through his hair, “Constantine” her voice seemed louder now, like her lips were closer to his ear, almost brushing against his earlobe.

When he felt her hand creeping downwards from his chest he suddenly moved to sitting position, clasping her both wrists with his hands, “What do you think you’re doing?!” He hissed through his gritted teeth. Adrienne just laughed almost soundlessly, feeling the tight grip of his hands set her into a playful mood.

“All of those things I didn’t had the chance to do to you yesterday…” she purred, raising her eyebrow at him. He gasped out loud, feeling how the blood in his body raced south, where she grinded against him, her hips slowly moving from side to side.

He gripped her wrists tighter and she moaned, the filthy sound exploding in his ears. Her raven hair was loosely falling onto her bare shoulders, her breasts were threatening to spill from the tight crimson corset she was wearing and the flimsy panties she had on were failing in shielding her now wet cunt from the bulge that grew in Constantine’s pants.

“Don’t…” he managed to breath out before he’s again under her spell and he let’s go of her wrists. Adrienne pressed one hand to his bare chest, then began to slowly shift it downwards, her nails teasing his skin.

“Oh, I do…” she teases him, her other hand wrapped around his throat now, giving it a little squeeze, “Bloody hell, Jonathan, you don’t understand just how long I’ve wanted to do this…” Adrienne purred, gripping Constantine’s hair and pulling his head back, tilting it forcefully, John let out a silent gasp, the sound only became strangled as she moved her head down to bite his neck harshly, sinking her teeth into John’s throat deep enough to draw blood, but she pulled away when she tasted the metallic and coppery flavor of the thick red liquid, now trickling down her chin and Constantine’s neck.

“You gonna regret this, I fucking promise you…” he growled through his gritted teeth, his jaw tense, eyes focused on her.

“Perhaps we should stop at the fucking part, baby” she licked the spot on his neck where she bit him, the sound of her moan vibrating on his skin.

“I came here to discuss that fucking letter…” Constantine mumbled out, feeling how her lips were leaving little pin pricks all over his throat. His hand squeezed her hip and she moaned closely to his ear.

“You will come again, soon, I am more than sure about it.”

The woman had him wrapped around her finger once again, strandled under her on her own bed, hopeless and weak, with his delicious chest exposed, the shirt he had on too bloody from her previous teasings to wear it again. The I.V. she ordered quickly helped him feel more alive than he already was and she could feel it now, his cock betraying him again.

“Tell me you want me, John…” Adrienne mumbled out looking up at him, her sharp fangs still visible, “...tell me you want me and you can have my however you want me…” she rolled her hips into his again, receiving a guttural moan as a response.

“What’s the point of it then if I won’t remember anything afterwards?” He pressed his mouth close to her ear, his hot breath tickling her cold skin, “I can see the marks on my body, thanks to your ceiling mirror” he looked upwards and their gazes met through the polished surface, the lustful stare of her darkened pupils too primal, too wild and he was in too deep to turn back now. His skin was covered in lovebites mixing with actual bitemarks, mixing with imprints of her red lipstick, “but maybe I’d like to know how I got them, you see?”

“I had some fun with you last night” she giggled a little, the pair of sharp fangs hanging over her rouged lips a dreadful opposition to the playful sound that just left her mouth.

John gently traced her lips with his thumb and she pricked it with her fang, before letting it slip past her lips, then sucking on it lighty, making him groan, “I think I get what ‘fun’ means in your dictionary, little evil mistress.”

“Keep calling me that, Constantine, and I’d let you fuck me” he growled upon hearing her words, feeling how his pants slowly begin to fail at taming his raging erection, “I can feel that you’re quite desperate…”

“Evil mistress” he blurted out again and she grinned widely. Then she wrapped her both hands around his throat and he let out a choked moan.

“Exciting, isn’t it?” Her vicious tongue licked across his neck, leaving a wet path all the way up to his jaw line. Her nails raked through the skin of his chest and he whimpered, another moan leaving his mouth when she wiggled her hips faster this time, his throbbing erection strained by the fabric of his pants brushing against her still clothed cunt again and again.

“Be a good boy, baby” she squeezed his neck again and he fell back onto the bed, inhaling air sharply.

He sighed out with relief when she reached into his pants, started massaging his already semi-hard length through the fabric of his underwear, dipping forward to attach her lips to his neck, sucking gently on his skin the way that was driving him absolutely insane, right below his ear, like she knew the soft spot that weakened his knees and hardened his cock

Constantine arched his neck to the side to give her better access and she brought her hand to the back of his head, angling it slightly so he could reach better, suckling, kissing at his neck, adding more to the previous marks she left there.

“O-oh, fuck…” he sighed, his hips once again stirring upwards, “P-Please…”

She hummed, biting down lightly on his neck, deciding not to tease him too much, reaching into his underwear to pull out his cock, wrapping her fingers around it and starting to stroke him slowly, enjoying the way he moaned instantly, bucked his hips upwards. She let her tongue wander across the skin of his neck, soothing all of the new bitemarks.

“Oh, for fuc-… Adrienne, please…”

She smiled against his skin, her fangs still out and in full of their spiky glory, pricking his neck a little, before she started to move her hand faster, her fingers wrapped tightly around him as she pumped him, his little breaths and moans encouraging her, fuelling her already blown out ego. His Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed hard and she trailed her mouth downwards, sucking lightly at his throat, but don’t really biting him, just teasing a little, his heavy breath, the way she was slowly making him come undone, slowly making him weak staring to get to her and she pressed her legs together, the dull throbbing between her thighs becoming more and more prominent.

“My little evil mistress, I need-…”

She hummed loudly, “Mmmm, you need what, baby?” Adrienne whispered, lifting her head to look back at him, meeting his gaze, his eyes wide, begging her silently, “Do you want me to put my mouth on you, Constantine? Again?”

He swallowed hard again, his breath shaky as he exhaled, “F-Fuck, yes…” he stuttered, “Adrienne… please.”

“Oh… since you asked so nicely.”

He nodded eagerly, pressing his lips together, his eyes fluttering shut when she tugged on his hair again, then she shuffled backwards and bent forward and she gave him a few more pumps before opening her mouth and letting him sink past her lips, tight and soft around him and she pressed her tongue flat to the underside of his cock, holding her breath when she felt his hips buck forward again slightly, allowing him to push into the back of her throat, swallowing hard around him.

A strangled moan fell from his lips, his breathing now shallow and quick, “Oh, Adrienne, you’re so fu-…” Constantine drawled, his voice instantly trailing off into another moan as she swirled her tongue around him, gasping when she lifted her head and took a breath, only to tease him, but still not letting him slide of her mouth completely, suckling on the tip greedily while pumping the base of his cock with her clawed hand.

“Tell me, baby, I am what?” She asked teasingly, drawing little circles into the swollen tip of his cock.

His chest was rising and falling quickly, his bottom lip caught between his teeth and she looked up at him, his eyes instantly meeting hers, wide and focused on watching her every move carefully.

“Evil” he breathed out, “You’re fucking evil.”

“But I know you love the evil in me” she winked at him, before closing her eyes and taking all of him into her mouth again, hollowing her cheeks, then starting to suck him properly, steadying herself on his thigh with her other hand. He was breathing unevenly, praises rolling off his tongue continuously, his voice deeper and she could feel the tension slowly leaving his body, moaning around him and sending vibrations up his body. He threw his head back with a soft sigh, his eyes shut tightly.

“You’re so fucking good at it… you should be giving other girls lessons on how to suck cock properly…”

She took him all the way into her mouth again, past her rouged lips pressed tightly to him to create more friction until she felt his tip at the back of her throat again, swallowing around him and holding him there for a moment, his breath hitching in his throat and she whimpered as he pulled her up by the hair, breathing out shakily.

Adrienne looked back at him with wide eyes, growling through her gritted teeth, “Baby?”

“Don’t want to… f-fuck, I … I want to be inside y-you…”

Her lips curled into a smile and she reached out to brush her fingers through his hair again, “How do you want me, baby?”

Constantine swallowed hard, “F-fuck, Adrienne, I want you on top of me…” he drawled, biting his lip. “Want to watch you ride me…”

She smirked, leaning in to press a soft peck to his lips, the look on his face priceless when she drew back to slide of the bed. His eyes were blown wide when he watched her shuffle out of her corset, his face raw red and before she could even step out of her flimsy underwear, he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her eagerly back onto the bed, his arms wrapped tightly around her, lips on hers in no time, hungry, desperate, his tongue demanding entrance into her mouth and she parted her lips, moaning quietly.

“Mmm, want to do it your way, baby?”

“You’re so fucking hot… and evil, I need you so bad…” he sighed against her lips, kissing her deeply, his grabby hands toying with her breasts, giving her nipples a little squeeze.

She ran her fingers through his hair again, rolling her hips against his, his hard cock brushing right up against her clit and she moaned into his mouth, breathing shakily as she began to slowly grind on him again.

He moaned, biting her lip teasingly, shifting to adjust her position. His hands on her breasts, his lips eagerly on hers, kissing her passionately as his fingertips toyed with her hard nipples.

Adrienne leaned forward, pressed her body against his, his hands warm and rough against her skin and she moaned, “Mmmm, Constantine…” Adrienne whined, rolling her hips into his again, crying out quietly, her mind clouded with lust, desperate to feel more, feel him inside her.

He broke the kiss, looking back at her with a lustful gaze, “You’re so fucking hot…”

She raised her eyebrow at him, looking down and sitting up to push herself to her knees, a soft gasp escaping his lips when she gripped his cock again, angling her hips just right and pushing her underwear aside, positioning his tip against her entrance.

He breathed out shakily, forced his eyes open to look back at her, halting all of his movements, “You think you can handle this, baby?” She looked up at him, cocking an eyebrow, before he let out a shaky breath and nodded eagerly few times.

“I’m all yours, evil mistress…”

[rantsaboutponies]

Equestria Girls: More of These Shorts, I Guess?

Okay, since there is no Equestria Girls movie this year, my original plan was to watch Forgotten Friendship instead for the annual Equestria-Girls-related-thing-the-week-before-the-season-premiere. I’m still doing that (come back on Saturday), but these past couple weeks have seen about 784 other shorts released god-knows-where, so I guess I have to do those now, too.

“Road Trippin (Across the Universe)”

“There’s changelings on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow...”

They should really have just taken a VW bus or something. The super-gaudy school bus is probably far less fuel-efficient. That means fewer stops for gas along the way, Twilight!

If they’re that late, they probably should have left the day before. Sheesh.

Don’t fling the cat! It didn’t do anything! Geez, what a dick!

Not quite an Eigen Plot. Roughly half.

“X Marks the Spot”

“This sand Spike is way better than the real one!” I can already hear the Friendship Is Witchcraft dialogue. *sigh*... I still miss them.

What exactly was the burning hot squiggly area? How did whatever that was work?

Oh, good lord. Well, at least she seems to like her job. She’s committed, anyway.

“Aww... Baby Turtles”

Sure, Fluttershy can talk to animals, but I don’t recall her having super-hearing.

“How could I ever find a bunch of teeny baby turtles...” Um...follow the sound? The sound you heard in the first place? Dumbass.

I don’t think sea turtle imprinting actually requires walking down the beach into the water; I think they can instinctively remember the location. Even still, I’m pretty sure that even if they just remembered the place where they entered the water, they wouldn’t just stop the instant they hit land; they’d know to go further inland.

I would have laughed so hard if it had turned out the babies had all gotten eaten while the girls were busy not paying attention to them.

“Lost and Found”

“I should know. I made it.” Heh.

Who exactly had an ice skate on the beach?

It occurs to me that if the earring were truly “one-of-a-kind”, it wouldn’t look like the other one.

Don’t just rebury it, Rainbow, you idiot! Keep the beach clean!

“Too Hot to Handle”

“Crab Adoptathon”? Fucking hell, Fluttershy. Wild animals can live in the wild, you know!

The sand is hot, but the concrete isn’t? That’s never really been my experience.

I would have given the crabs the one that had sand on it. I doubt they’d have cared.

“Unsolved Selfie Mysteries”

Definitely not a title that promises anything good.

Wow. Super creep.

I like how they were worried because the thing was coming right for them, but then as soon as the camera cut, they apparently forgot that it was moving and were relieved that they were no longer in danger. Object permanence, guys.

“The Salty Sails”

Wow, Twilight didn’t account the weight of Rarity’s trunk, so she just moved it off the boat without asking? Bitch!

Using Rarity’s hat to increase the size of the sail wouldn’t help any! You’d need stronger wind!

What happens if Pinkie accidentally eats one of her explosive pastries? I’d like to see that.

“Blue Crushed”

“You’ll be hanging ten in no time. Twenty, even!” Okay, so you have no idea what that means, Applejack. And I’m supposed to be taking your advice? Fat chance.

“My brother?” Yes, thanks for expositing that, Fluttershy, instead of talking like a normal person.

Rainbow not immediately kneeing Zephyr in the groin as soon as he touched her shows that she has more restraint than I do.

Oh, we’re not actually going to show Rainbow Dash teaching him anything? Um...okay, then.

Leave it to Hasbro to release a series of beach-themed shorts in March.

[whydoyouwantmyname]

you can't keep pretending this didn't happen, because guess what IT DID!

This is inspired from the list of @ships4you‘s prompt list (Link here). Hopefully you enjoy this crazy one.

"OPIE!" You shouted as he tore out of the crowded lot like a bat out of hell. 

The early morning sun was just peeking over the horizon as you stood there, alone in nothing but a sheet, watching the man you just slept with drive away on his custom Harley. 

Tears gathering in your eyes as you pulled yourself back towards his dorm, fearing what would happen if your brother ever saw you in this state. 

That had happened three months ago,

 you had not seen the man you harbored a crush for since, oh how you missed his gentle eyes, welcoming smile, his soft features, which also could strike fear into the heart of men. 

But instead of that, you were forced to stare into the evil eyes, and surrounded by the sinister laugh of the small stick, which seemed to be taking up my entire bathroom counter. And as the timer of my phone filled the air, the second line reared it's head to join the laughter of the first. 

 And that is when the idea of planning Opie's funeral crept into my head. 

You sat inside the sweltering car for a while as you played with the hem of your tank top, the thought of exposing your newly found out truth to your only brother made the very blood in your veins run cold. 

Your brother could be a gentle man at times, especially when his little sister is involved, but to most he was cold, hard, tough. You feared you were about to meet that part of him, for you were not married, or in a relationship, you lived in a rundown one bedroom, and had zero job security and no set hours of work. 

You were in your own little world until you heard the light knock on your window drew you back to the surprisingly quiet parking lot. Your tinted windows showed the familiar smile of one of your best friends, his eyes squinted as he grinned at you, and you couldn't resist as your hand pulled the handle of the driver side door. 

"Juice my dear, put those pearls away fore ya blind someone." You jokingly barked as you stepped into the warm heat of the afternoon. 

"Sorry to disappoint but I can't. See my beautiful best friend has finally has come to visit the lowly bikers." 

"Hey, one of those bikers is my brother, and if I told him you spoke that slander about him, he may have to get a new tattoo by the end of the night." 

"Well maybe we shouldn't tell him." You laughed at the fear in his eyes, the sound filling the lot, and when you looked the garage of Teller Morrow, you saw a familiar set of eyes watching you, causing the vomit to creep up your throat, and your feet to carry you as fast as they could to the bathroom, before the morning's juice made a reappearance. 

When you finally recovered, and opened the bathroom door, you saw him standing in the denim jumpsuit, grease covered him, as he wiped his hands on the rag in his pocket. Your own weight leaned against the frame of the door. 

"Well thank goodness Juice didn't clog the John again while trying to bid his panty collection, otherwise the whole bathroom be a mess." You joked as his eyes bore into you. 

"You ain't ever thrown up since you were 7 and got the flu." He was so matter of fact as he looked at you. 

"I been drunk plenty of times Lowman." 

"Yeah but you never puked from it. What's wrong?" 

"Happy, nothing is..." 

"Don't you dare lie to me Sis. I know when you..." 

"I'm pregnant." You cut him off, fearing you would lose the ability to tell him if he continued on with his sentence. 

"Excuse me? Mind saying that one more time." His voice and features were dark as he took a step closer to you, causing you to quickly inhale before you answered quietly, "I'm pregnant." 

 "And who might the father be?" 

 You were silent, not daring to speak a word as he exhaled, "Well when is the last time you had sex." 

 "You know damn well when that was." And with that he was gone, you knew deep down he knew who the father was... 

"Happy stop." You pleaded as he went to the lot, his eyes wide with rage as his words were soaked in venom, "Winston, get your ass out here." 

Opie turned, looking at you first before he noticed Happy's expression, "Hey killer, whats..." 

His sentence went unfinished as Happy's fist met his bearded face, blood gushing from his nose as Happy punched again, and soon the two were on the cement ground, Opie not able to get a single punch in as Happy's fist made light work of his face. 

Finally five other Sons were able to get him off, and you immediately went to Opie's side, as Happy screamed, "you fucking asshole." 

"What the hell did he even do Hap?" Jax screamed over Happy as he held back an arm. 

"Got my fucking sister knocked up, that's what. That's why he fucking vanished! HE FUCKED HER!" 

"And I LIKED IT!" You screamed back, quickly standing in front of your brother, "he didn't force himself on me, didn't force me to do anything! I agreed, and yes we were drunk but Damn It, I LIKED HAVING SEX WITH HIM! He only ran because when he woke the fuck up he regretted every minute of it, but I will never regret having sex with Opie! Or having his bastard child!" 

"And he can't keep pretending that nothing happened between you both cause Guess What? IT DID!" 

"Do you not think I know it did, I have the proof growing inside me now Asshole! Why do you think I have been avoiding the lot for months, I don't want my kid to be fatherless like we were." 

"Do you really think he wants to be the father of your..." 

"HAPPY JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!" You screamed at the top of your lungs, the stress of the whole thing overwhelming you. 

 And then Happy did something awful, as the sound of flesh meeting flesh filled the air, and the light thump of your body hitting the cement followed. The front of your body laid against the cement, struggling to even fathom what had just occurred, as Tig fought to restrain his arm again. And as you laid there, fighting tears back you felt someone gather you in their arms. 

"Shhhhh [Y/N]. It is just me." Juice whispered as you buried your face in the crock of his neck. 

He gently placed you in the passenger seat of your car and as he rounded the front that was when you noticed your once light-wash denim shorts were stained red. 

It was hours later, the hand imprint was now clear on your face, your frame covered in an itchy gown as you waited patiently for someone to give you what you could only imagine was bad news for you. 

However the news would probably bring relief to Opie, and your brother. 

Juice had somehow fallen asleep in the chair beside you, his hand rested in yours as he slept, but your eyes remained glued to the off white walls until you heard a light knocking at your door. 

"You look bloody awful." You smiled as Opie entered the room, his face cut up, and bandaged, but looking better then it had in the lot. 

"You've looked better yourself." He answered as he took a seat beside you on the other side of the bed, Juice stirring only a bit before another snore filled the space. 

"Man could sleep through the end of the world." You joked, looking away from Opie and towards the sleeping man beside you. 

"I don't regret it." Opie whispered, your breath hitching as he continued, "I should have never left that morning. I was just terrified when I thought about it more, and while I was happy with my choice I knew Happy would detest to it, and even to the thought of me dating you. So I ran from my fears, and now I fear I have ruined what could have been." 

"Opie," you whispered, slowly turning back to him, "I have loved you since the moment I met you, I slept with you because the alcohol made me see how foolish it was to be without you. And I would like nothing more then to go on living the rest of my life with you, even if it means leaving all this and my brother behind." 

"You would do that? For me?" He replied, tenderly placing his hand over the swollen red mark on your face. 

"Oh course I would." 

"I'm hoping it won't come to that." Another familiar voice added as you looked away from the love in Opie's eyes, and into the regret of Happy's. 

"I never meant to do this to ya Sis, I was just so caught up in all the yelling that..." 

"Happy, you are forgiven, however you gotta know that I want whatever it is Opie and I are, and while the whole ordeal would be easier with your approval, I will not leave this just because you dislike the fact your baby sister is dating a Son." 

"Sis, as long as he treats ya like an old lady, and not a crow eater I will be fine. However I may never forgive myself for what I did to ya today, and what I did to..." 

"Miss Lowman." The doctor interrupted as the three of you turned your attention to him, "I need ya to come with me to the ultrasound room, and maybe wake up the father so he can..." 

 "Oh Juice isn't the father, if you don't mind actually I would like to go in alone." You softly answered, prying your hand away from Juice before leaving the room and the three men in an awkward silence. 

"You really love her." Happy finally said after several minutes. 

"I do. I think I always have, however I have also always been afraid of you." 

Happy chuckled low, "good." 

And then the room was silent again, five more minutes passed before Opie said, "I can't believe they thought Juice was the father, kid better not come out looking like him." 

"Hopefully it don't come out looking like you either, seeing how your face is all fucked up." 

"Hey that is all on you brother, you are the one that fucked up my beautiful butter face." Opie joked, causing Happy to let out a low chuckle before allowing a moment of silence, "I think it will be fun having another little one running around the lot." 

"Yeah, plus he will have the greatest uncle in the world." 

"Well hopefully his greatest uncle in the world didn't just ruin his chances of being born." Happy spoke, as they wheeled you back in, your eyes red rimmed and glassy, tears still fresh in them, as regret filled Happy's. 

"Well gentlemen, if you would kindly wake up her boyfriend, you and Miss Lowman may leave." The doctor informed the room before leaving you all in silence again.

Finally Happy broke the silence with a sob. 

"Why are you crying?" You asked, watching the killer before you start to break down slowly. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you, or the baby.... I feel so guilty about being the reason you lost...." 

"Happy, the baby is fine." You smiled, as Opie sighed in relief, Happy's eyes watering as you wiped a tear of joy away, "Doctor said he was as surprised as me when he saw that the baby was fine. Set up another appointment next week to double check, but as far as he can tell, we are gonna be parents." 

Opie didn't say a word as you looked at him, however he quickly stepped forward and crashed his lips into yours, deepening the kiss until Happy cleared his throat. 

"Well then, shall we go celebrate?" Happy suggested as you slowly stood up, looking at your brother, "yeah, and over dinner we can discuss the real scary part of this." 

"Sis I know nothing about child birth..." 

"Oh no." You interrupted him, "I meant tellin Ma." 

 And you all left the room, chatting and laughing, forgetting the sleeping biker boy.....

[kpopreviews]

BTS - ‘You Never Walk Alone’ Album Review

BTS has come out with a repackaged version of their iconic ‘Wings’ album. I have really enjoyed all of their releases so far, so let’s get started with how I feel about their latest album! **warning: super long and in-depth**

Rating: ★★★★★

Intro: Boy Meets Evil

J-Hope. Wow. He did that. When the instrumentals were going on and they built up the cymbals and the beat stuttered right before Hoseok started singing, I think I died of anticipation and excitement. Then, when he started doing his thing, the inflection of his voice was so enticing and passionate that I died again. Also, the choreography was super intense and intricate (Dead x3). If you haven’t watched the video for this track yet, PLEASE DO.

피 땀 눈물 (Blood Sweat & Tears)

I’m going to be completely honest, I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG. I think this is one of the best if not the best title track release that BTS has ever had. I don’t know why, but there’s something about this song that makes it feel like I’m listening to it for the first time every time. I think it’s because I notice something new every time. It’s so intriguing. When the instrumentals slowly creep up and Jimin starts singing with his alluring voice, I literally had goosebumps all over my body. I also appreciate the Caribbean, moonbahton trap sound that BTS went for. So different and refreshing. I swear, BTS can pull off literally any sound they wanted to. It’s because they put their own twist on every music genre they try out. Although they may be singing a ‘ballad’ or ‘rock’ or ‘trap’ song, they insert their own flavor into the tracks so that they sound distinctly like BTS. I’ll call it the Bangtan Effect. Their voices were amazing, the instrumentals were amazing, the choreography was amazing, the beat was amazing, the music video was amazing... I could go on and on. I think my absolute favorite part of the song is when Rap Monster is rapping with his deep voice and Jungkook starts harmonizing. THAT’S ART RIGHT THERE.

Begin

Jungkook has a stunning, beautiful voice. His voice is airy but hits you right in the heart. I don’t know how he does it, honestly. I love the heavy beat in the beginning of this song. It totally hints at the crazy tempo change that’s to come! I really enjoy listening to this song. And don’t even let me get started on the MEANING behind this beautiful track. Jungkook is given the chance to sing about anything he wants to, and he chooses to sing about his group members aka his brothers aka his best friends aka his role models. I cry.

Lie

Oh Jimin... Your voice... It does things to me. The strings in the beginning did NOT prepare me for this song! I worship the mix between the orchestra and Jimin. I don’t quite know why, but I think that he really fits the dark orchestral vibe of this piece. Maybe it’s his classiness? His seductiveness? His mysterious ways? He just screams ‘royalty’ to me. In addition, I feel like Jimin’s vocals have improved so much. His tone is golden. Pure milk and honey. He flows so well. Also, his ad-libbing absolutely saved me.

Stigma

My poor heart... Where do I even start? V honestly snatched everyone’s weaves with this one. The simple instrumentals complemented so so so well with his voice. And his RANGE. Taehyung... “Why are you like that to me?” His deep, soulful voice in the beginning hit me hard as always, but when those beautiful high notes came out, I was left speechless. I think this song truly embodies Taehyung. Just when you think you know everything there is to know about him, he whips out another talent masterfully.

First Love

DAMN. SUGA. I am in love with the way he carries his voice. He is such a raw, emotional rapper. The thing is, Suga doesn’t simply spit out words as many rappers seem to do. Instead, he mulls them over, contemplating and reflecting on every single one, before imprinting them in your soul. It is an amazing process and I am so glad that I am able to experience it. Also, let’s talk about the meaning behind the words. God, Yoongi. You can tell that music, and being able to create music, means the absolute world to him. He’s experienced loss, hard times, and heartache, but he’s come back stronger and he knows not to take opportunities for granted. I admire this man and the message he’s spreading.

Reflection

Rap Monster, or should I say Vocal Monster? I love when he sings. How does one possibly describe his awe-inspiring, passionate, deep voice? I really appreciate the slow, melancholy rap that Namjoon has been experimenting with these day. The technique was utilized perfectly in this melody, with the stripped down instrumentals and his raw, naked voice. Also, his artistry is next level. Inserting the sounds of Tteukseom at the beginning was genius. Genius and absolutely heartbreaking. I love you, Kim Namjoon.

MAMA

J-Hope is a god. I don’t deserve him. He’s voice is so nice. Songs about parents/grandparents always have a special place in my heart, but this one absolutely KILLED ME. The lyrics are so beautiful. I really liked how the song was upbeat, because although the lyrics could be interpreted in a sad manner, the melody made the lyrics uplifting and inspiring. It made the song more Hoseok-esque. He has a truly beautiful soul. Also, can’t forget the instrumentals! In love with the retro sound that he went for. It suits him so well. It’s incredible. THIS IS J-HOPE’S ERA.

Awake

JIN, WHY WOULD YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS. Seokjin shines SO bright in his solo song, finally showing the world his true range and aptitude. Wow. The first time I listened to this song, I was speechless. His higher range is so well-developed and rich that his voice sounds completely natural up there throughout the whole song. Truly amazing. But the lyrics... Oh my god I cried so hard... Jin saying that he knows he will always be behind the other members, but he’s still going to try hard anyway... Jin putting the rest of BTS before himself... Oh god look at me I’m crying again. I hope he is taking care of himself. I hope he knows that he’s absolutely perfect.

Lost

I really really really enjoy listening to this song. The very first time I heard ‘Lost’, I think I literally fell in love. It was the best but weirdest feeling. I like how it kind of sounds like the vocal members are tossing the lines around. They change up who’s singing pretty often in this piece (after almost every line), so it creates a very interesting blend of tones. So cool. In addition, love the synthetic beeps in the beginning and the snare beats at the end. Nice touches to a wonderful song.

BTS Cypher Pt. 4

Where do I even start? BTS’ rap line came back with a very different kind of cypher this time. Instead of their usual fit-as-much-as-you-possibly-can-in-4-minutes kind of cyphers, rap line took it down a notch. It’s more of a ‘yeah it’s chill cause we can’t hear the haters from all the way up here’ kind of vibe and I am absolutely loving it! It’s still fire as hell though, as expected. The super hard, distinct beats in the beginning had me bumping before the rapping even began! I live for Rapmon’s ‘Sorry Bae.’ It fits the whole song so well. And once again, rap line killed their raps and their haters. BRRR!

Am I Wrong

Country Music x BTS? Yes, please! How can they pull off literally EVERY genre? It’s astounding. Truly. Didn’t I call it the Bangtan Effect earlier? I love the end of J-Hope’s part, when everyone sings “mayday, mayday.” I treasure the sound of all their voices together. I see this is a pattern among Bangtan songs, but once again, THE MEANINGFUL LYRICS. Goddamn. Talk about SOCIALLY-CONSCIOUS ARTISTS.

21세기 소녀 (21st Century Girls)

I live for female empowerment anthems! J-Hope’s “You’re the best to me just the way you are.” Rap Monster’s “Live your life, live your life, come on baby.” Jimin’s “Tell them that you’re strong, tell them you’re enough.” Suga’s “All my ladies put your hands up!” So many iconic lines and such exquisite voice inflections throughout this song. Hype beat + Hype lyrics = HYPE ME.

둘! 셋! (그래도 좋은 날이 더 많기를) (2! 3!)

A really nice change of pace from the two beat-heavy tracks before this one. My favorite part has to be J-Hope’s line, “For becoming the flower in the most beautiful moment in life.” It’s a undoubtedly subtle and clever reference to their past releases. I know it’s supposed to be their fan song, but it is a bit sad if you look at the lyrics. However, it also speaks of promise and trust: “Hoping for more good days.” “If you believe then one two three.” I think the light percussion and the tone of the lyrics go well together to bring out an optimistic, hopeful song. Great bedtime song.

봄날 (Spring Day)

Let me say it right now, if you haven’t listened to this song yet, DO SO IMMEDIATELY. Absolutely in love with everything about this track. Rapmon starts off the song with his low, soothing articulation, which turns over to Jimin with his stable, airy voice, and then to Jungkook to contrast Jimin with his rich tone. Seokjin made me shed tears over his heartbreaking timbre, Yoongi saved me with his passionate inflection, and Hoseok added so much dimension and color to complete the song. However, the show stopper has to be Taehyung. The breakdown, where he sings, “You know it all. You’re my best friend. The morning will come again” hurt me with his soulful voice. Also, the ending (in the music video), where they all sing together was soul-moving. Furthermore, how about the meaning behind this song? Damn, Bangtan. They impress me time and time again. If you are not familiar with the Sewol Ferry Tragedy and how it ties to the ‘Spring Day’ music video, read a great explanation here. Masterful song with an amazing theme. A+.

Not Today

Hype song, hype message, hype choreography. What more can you expect from BTS? This time, they’re reaching out to the underdogs and telling them to keep working hard and having hope. I love it. The beat is distinct, strong, and original, which all add up to Bangtan’s recognizable formula. Additionally, Namjoon’s “Baby, yes I want it” had me feeling some type of way and of course I can’t talk about ‘Not Today’ without mentioning Jungkook’s iconic “Chong jojun BALSA!”

Outro: Wings

One of my favorite songs of this era. I am so glad they came out with a longer version. Damn. Never expected that insane breakdown and that wild verse from J-Hope. I LIVE FOR IT. But I also live for the exchange between Namjoon and Hoseok. “Yo J, Let’s do it.” OK! Meanwhile, BTS went for a ‘clubby’ sound in this track, with the ‘auto-tuned’ voices and the heavy synths, and they pulled it off once again! Bangtan Effect anyone? The best part of it all is that ‘Outro: Wings’ could be a club song, but it still has a deep, important message about believing in oneself and one’s decisions. That makes my heart happy.

A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone

Suga. Singing. Need I say more? I love when Jin & the rest of the vocal line reference Martin Luther King, Jr.’s quote about flying, running, walking, or even crawling towards one’s dreams. Very nice touch. I want to point out the beginning of the song with the softer beat and the echo-y sounds, which eventually transitions to a harder beat as per Bangtan’s style. Classic. Then, Suga sings and the angels sing with him. Then, J-Hope sings and heaven opens its gates. Am I being too dramatic? I just really enjoy listening to rap line singing. Quite possibly my favorite track from BTS. Yeah... that says A LOT about how much I sincerely adore this song.

Overall, I think that BTS’ 'You Never Walk Alone’ album is a splendid masterpiece. The album is a mix of so many different sounds and genres, but they blend genuinely well together. I really don’t know how BTS could top this one, but I think that thought after each of their releases and they always manage to impress me every time. I’m totally in love with their artistry.

Rating: ★★★★★

[xottzot]

2017-4(APR)-29-Saturday. in despair

2017-4(APR)-29-Saturday. in despair

I've taken up smoking.

It's the healthy responsible thing to do for everyone, especially children and babies included. And any non-smokers are not only encouraged to smoke, they are forced to smoke no matter what. It's entirely legal. It's been entirely decided. So has thieving.

There's no need to remain alive for anything.

What actually is happening is that EVERY morning, I awake to this hovel and outside AND INSIDE being filled with bushfire smoke.

Forget about being cautious about fires in Australia because the authorities here are constantly setting fire and burning vast tracts of land and filling the air that you breath with choking smoke. And if that's not bad enough, it makes other people dd to it all by lighting and burnng their own fires. And they do it also by burning literally rubbish in their backyards, plastic...any foul thing you can think of they set fire to and make terrible acrid smoke which joins in with the other smoke. If it doesn't want to burn, or is not burning quick enough to their liking, then throw petrol on it and force it to burn......

My bed smells of smoke. My clothes smell like smoke. Sam & Max their coats smell like smoke. Often they sneeze because of the smoke. Just as I sneeze too from the smoke. I wake up every day to massive headaches. Headaches that doctors are stumped by and shake their heads at and keep trying evermore 'new' ineffectual means to control. And they look at me and think I'm a liar. Which I have never been and are not. I have become a rarity because I speak the truth about things.

In seasons wet or dry, (it is still bone dry), there's a huge pall of smoke outside every morning now, and of course it creeps into this hovel and fills it up so that it stays in this hovel all day. There is no wind. All the conditions they state which are perfect to set fire to everything. The same conditions that make it impossible for the stench of burning rubbish to blow away. And so this hovel fills with that stench.

It creates terrible headaches. And so I am forced to take painkillers for that. And whenever I go to the doctors to get painkiller prescriptions renewed, the doctors all ask, "Do you smoke?", and I always answer truthfully, "No, I don't smoke.", and they always reply, "Good, good. You don't want to be doing that."

But I AM smoking, and smoking heavily just by being alive. Just by breathing in this stench as I sleep literally, and whenever I am awake.

My eyes are stinging, my throat is burning.

And whenever someone in the public dares to ever complain about the smoke, authorities every time get vicious at them and declare, 'We MUST burn off vast tractcs of land to prevent vast tracts of land burning up when bushfires happen.'

In the NEWS, there's stories to divert your attention away from the fact of fires and terrible smoke where I am.....such as 'oh we discovered some flowers that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito! We'e going to name them in their honour!"

Did the named duo discover them? - Nope. - Somobody simply decided the plants 'look' like the two people. - Yes really, it's actual NEWS.

And one picture had the backgrund of a burnt-out black area devoid of all life except for the plants. (they changed the photo soon enough)

West Australian authorities have, from whatever reasons in past history, caused houses, infrastructure, and even entire towns to be burned down in their fervent zeal to burn all the bush around.....to stop it from being burned down.

'It's better to burn down under our 'control', rather that it to be burn uncontrollably and for peoples lives to put at risk.', they constantly intone and is their mantra.

And then they threaten you by saying, "You wouldn't want your house to burn up in a fire would you!?", and you of course correctly answer, "No.", and thy retort, "See!? So go away and shut the hell up and let us do what we want."

Any illness or ailments you have are exacerbated by smoke, and the smoke of neighbours getting into the bandwagon and burning foul rubbish they don't want to be dicovered putting into rubbish bins. And so they add to the burnnig and foul stench.

And then there are the aboriginal kids, young school-aged kids that should be in classrooms but never are, and they openly just walk around these streets of this hellhole smoking cigarettes and anything else they can scavenge from off the road and footpaths. And if they can't find any, they steal them. I see them all the time now about this hellhole. They have already seen they can do anyhing they like, and so they constantly keep trying more and more.

And they then go onto booze. Alcohol of any means, of any type they can get their hands on. Any type they can steal.

And the 'latest' fad that has been around this helhole for many years is to wander around (just like all the aboriginals do) with a plastic softdrink bottle. But whether the bottle ever contain softdrink or water can never be determined because who's going to be checking for that? (I've had to clean up rubbish from this hellhole, even my own yard, and the stench of booze that's been in it the bottles is overpowering and sickening and makes me want to vomit everytime.)

And the filthy creatures they are, they throw the empty bottles anywhere, ANYWHERE they want, they throw them into innocent peoples yards. They literally hurl them into peoples yards in this hellhole.

The newest residents next door to the aboriginal CRIMINAL HOUSEHOLD had their front yard being the recipient of plastic bottles from the very first days they had arrived to live there. And still more keep appearing on and in their yard no matter how many they pick up and put into their rubbish bins.

Long ago it used to glass bottles. But glass bottles could be collected and handed in for money (coins), and the more that was collected, the more money could be made. Authorities got rid of all that. Now there is nothing like that anymore. - Now you are supposd to just collect all that glass refuse and hand it over for it to be recycled but you are not paid for it. The same goes for all rubbish.

Sometimes the aboriginals will scavenge up empty plastic bottles from the roads and yards of others, not to keep things nice and clean or teh environment (which they supposedly hold so dear) but because they want to use the bottles themselves, whether it's to re-fill thwm with booze they can (and do) openly drink in the streets or to drink from anywhere else. And if there's softdrink in it they can mix it with strong alcohol. And kids drink that too.

The 'stolen generation', a term once used to describe an official policy decades ago whereby 'at risk' children were snatched by authorities and then foisted upon foster parents is once again active. It actually never went away. And once more its making NEWS. And the aboriginals are very upset by it all.

They are demanding that authorities do EVERYTHING the aboriginals want, even stating that it is their rights to drink heavily and to smoke heavily. They state that that is legal. They try to associate 'traditional' values to filthy habits of self-destruction. And the authorities are getting more and more compliant. There are inumerable politicans and officials who couldn't care lss about anything or anyone, and those values they insist upon everyone else whilst at the same time lying about being so 'caring' about it all.

Politicans raise money by having everything taxed, even plastic bottles. Politicians hate somebody else making money when instead they could have it to themsleves, hence taxes upon everything, that most people try to asume don't exist, or they'll state they are so small, so why should it matter? -- And that's also why the used glass bottle collector men are no longer existing. All that glass just goes into rubbish bins (or is smashed all about) so that can go off elsewhere and make somebody else money.

South Australia was (and I don't know if it still is), the last place in Australia to have the 'returns policy' in effect so that people could get money from bottle returns. It kept strests clear of broken glass, the money was used by anyone on eremely low incoomes to grovel about and have a chance to earn some money, just like it did all across Ausralia. And which used to be worldwide. This was why there was the usual 'deposit' on a drink bottle was always being stated, often imprinted on the bottle or can itself. Do you even rememeber that? Nobody does anymore in this hellhole. It doesnt exist.

There often would be NEWS items of social groups, charities, small clubs, who had ben collecting bottles and cans and proudly 'making money',and they would be using that money to fund things of imoprtance, including public importance. -- Not anymore. All that stopped.

Now countless worthy organisations are always fincially fading away, being abuptly cut off, told they had to go because they coudl not be financed, or could be afforded. And there is always the bullshit propaganda promises of ''We're goibg to beging start of 'X' that we (hope) will be able to make 'X' organisation more sustainable and actually will make it better and grow to further the good work that 'X' has been doing....blah blah blah'

But those in power had long ago decided they wanted to rort every sytem they could to detroy it and pocket whetver money they could out of it all which at the same time made everything worse, NOT better. -- And that is how everything is today, and is accepted as being 'normal' and 'expected'. - Constant 'experiments' start, and fail, then eventually come back again and again with the the same failed results and always the same excuses and promises.

The criminals revel in such a foetid environment. And that engenders all the shitheads to do likewise.

And the aboriginals who have always been criminal they remain criminal, and they grow worse, whilst all and everyone else who is honest and caring suffers.

And so you have children and small ones, becoming smoking adicts, and alcohol addicts, and crime is high and ever rising and escalating, and it all feeds in on itself.

And as always, as soon any authorities then tries to reign in control, they fail.

Apparently now Australia is being a victim of the drug 'meth'. And as always, those meth addicts ARE the ones causing so much trouble and turmoil along with everything else.

And there is the usual bullshit methodology employed, 'think of the little ones!', and so the authoritoes are once more 'taking' children away from families. But those childen are already long-gone, addicts themselves anor criminals.

It's been stated in the NEWS that those children are the babies of addicts, and affected by alcohol even before they are born and afterwards because of their mothers who are addicts. The fathers are always semingly non-existent in such affairs. But they are born from addicted 'parents', grow up in an environment of addicted 'parents' and relations, and they adopt criminal ways to continue it all and on and on it goes.

And once more, as always, there are the 'grandparents' who are supposedly so pure and immune from it all and are so many times the unofficial foster parents of kids. It's those foster parents can also be addicts of everything, but they may not even be related. And whomever adopts the children is then brought down by the insane actions of the feral children who are also addicts in their own rights.

And if you ARE innocent and dare to complain about any crime, YOU are then pounced upon by authorities and Police and all manner of associate groups who blame YOU for their woes in trying to deal with anything.

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I am feeling VERY cold. I was very cold IN bed. I will not get warm all today.

Perhaps I should just light a fire and houehold rubbish rather than put it into a rubbish bin? And maybe I should just burn the plastic rubbish bin itself and add to all the foetid smoke in the air? Why not? Everyone else is doing it.

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Despair.

Utter despair.

P@8:18am--29-April-2017---I love you Fliss and want to be with you.

[chapter18yes-blog]

I would like to just, turn all the bird-patterned pillows in that room with their pattern down because they are fucking disturbing. It's as if they were staring at me, judging me. The questions, even if they are not of a reproaching or moralising nature, are echoed from the direction of the pillows with escalated negativity and hatred. Self-hatred. I just want to stand up from that deep armchair and say, what the hell is going on? Have you noticed? Have you noticed this freezing cold, it's almost out of this solar system, it's so deadly cold. My feet, my hands, my nose and I imagine, my inner organs all suffer from my brain's failing functions. I've lost many of them. And those chemicals keep my head heavy, help me feel gravitation and stay two feet on the ground or below the surface, even. You don't give me paper, it's OK. You would have have a paper to my mother but I am still just guessing, and you nod, sometimes, yes, that's unfortunately true - Everything I am is queer. Do you have labels, in the notes you don't show, in the notes you don't even write for a while now? Is this depression, anxiety, borderline, OCD, autism, what? We talk, you love my words, just as everybody else, even if words fail me, lately, and my stories are clumsier every time. I have dry lips and dry skin; every time I undress myself in the toilet, white crumbs of skin come off of me on my legs. I have ongoing inflammations and infections, my face is covered with scars that heal over a month. My nails and the skin on my hands bear wounds, too, and it takes them forever to recover and look like a normal person's hands. Don't blame it on my diet. I'm slowly disintegrating and expiring. Ever since I was out in this world, I was drawn back to the place I've come from, it had an inexplicable magnetic charm, non-describable and strange, abnormal. I never wanted to see what it's like out here, I came uninvited and now I am here to find some dignity in these short decades - of joy, I often dream, but they are only dreams. Every time a train or plane crashes, I wish I was on board. Every time I am near Oktogon I wish something would take me, or that someone would hit me. Don't hurt me with words, behaviour, ignorance or psycho-wars and mindgames. Kick me to the ground and step on my chest, break my bones, my ribs and my thigh bones. I don't want to be able to walk, or think. Everything I do is about this endgame. The Human, as it is, seeks opportunities to procreate and save humanity; to make the world a better place along with ensuring the species' future with having offsprings. Everybody has a mission, however stupid it is; they have a vision, they have a cause, the world has many problems or at least, people have many problems, people around them, or themselves directly... The cogwheels turn and turn, not a dent is missing. I am here, weak and useless, a baby animal waiting for a hostile weather condition or a predator to come and take my life. My body is just an empty vessel of nothingness. Some parts are good for something, most of it is just junk. I am good for a couple of hours, or days, and then rapidly deteriorate and fall back to a state of feeling like trash. What I do is of no use, I don't sell, I don't advertise, I don't exist. I can't alleviate my own pain; my days are about making it through to the other day. It requires great efforts each minute of each hour to assure myself that I can get back to a longer plateau this time. I should be a femme fatale, a Queen, I am intelligent, smart, whatever they use to label my brain; I am not that ugly, but wrinkles creep onto my face after each lengthy episode of hysteria, low energy battles of getting out of bed or the sudden twenty-minutes cryings three or four times a day. I am in pain, and it started to show. I'm also ageing. I can cover it up with make-up, and I hate to do it; I can entertain, I can laugh, I can smile. I can talk from an objective perspective about myself, I can be self-aware, I can be ironic about my-self. I am trying to live in the moment, to not take things personally, to let go of things and people only passing through my life. I am literally trying hard, and so I am detached and locked up in the worst prison anyone can wish for, my own thoughts. I should be excellent at work, first things first, I should have an awesome job, awesome friends, awesome hobbies, activities, social circle. Yet, you know, I know, more often than not, what it would take to make those corrections and to push myself gently back on track. But I'm in love with derailment. Have you noticed? That I've started this self-eliminating process, scaringly unconsciously, unplotted, coming naturally, with imprinted agenda. It will run through me sooner than anyone, myself included, would have imagined. And it's unstoppable. What have you thought, what did I think, you see, I was so unaware of what I was doing - quitting my job, covering up with some stupid weak motivation. Cutting myself out of the already limited microcosm of my social life, isolating myself further, sailing farther away from the shores. Skipping meals, wearing flats, putting on the same sweater twice a week without washing them. Unseeing unwashed dishes, existing on some bread and cheese. Soothing my nerves with yoga and chakra music, the only way to soothe them. Slowly driving myself off the map. Here I am, out in the middle of nowhere. I read, you know. With each sentence it grows, this grey cloud that's over me. I am fucking exhausted. High-functioning, oh yes. Indeed. With mentions. With flying colours. Getting awards post-ceremony, being told I'm making myself uglier when everyone else is making themselves prettier. I am a woman, I'm always weak and wrong. I should behave so and so, only that way will they love me. And you can train me, you know. Set me up with a few slaps, only verbally, of course, with as few words as you can; put me in a straightjacket and just tell me, or don't tell me, I should be able to learn from silence as well. Am I mad. Yes I am. I have two opinions in paralell motion; two narratives, two possible explanations; I feel, I have empathy for everyone but myself. You hurt me and I feel your pain and your motives for having done so; and I'm with you and no one is with me. What is the point of sharing this unshareable, unspeakable loneliness, what is the point of me talking, talking to anyone, receiving questions with good intentions; receiving harsh-worded advice; receiving attractive lies. What is the point of only taking and throwing it away. Not being able to give; everything I give is cheap, not needed or can be gotten anywhere else. You know, somewhere in the past, maybe just a past filtered through nostalgia and idyllic thoughts, transformed into some timeless footage running in loops, I am just a small body, even shorter than I am now, chasing cats, living with her father, mother and little sister, playing in the summer in loose clothes out in the yard, grandma visiting; reading books about science and how the Sun will slowly blow up and burn and consume planet Earth in 3 million years from now. There are colourful dreams everywhere, sometimes I was happy, maybe, I certainly smiled, and I was not afraid, and maybe years from now, I will be a fearless woman, with achievements and success and confidence and something to provide, who knows, unfortunately me, it's not going to happen. Each time I pretended I'm OK, I voluntarily threw away 5-10 years from my life, and now here I am, I have to board a plane soon, in any case. I don't hate you or anyone, and it's not your fault and please never ever think you could have helped. As it turns out, it's no one's fault. It's just as it is. You know, the next day I will just get up and smile, and tell funny stories and dance and play around pretending to be seductive, nothing happened, dear, it's OK. It was just temporary, I'm OK. I just age faster with each day and I can't wait to consume what's left, the sooner the better. You know, there is something strange and funny about how people behave. People like to distance themselves from any sign or notion of madness; they overuse words like crazy, mad, fool, yet when it comes to some strange behaviour in the street, in the bus, or at the university, at the workplace, in a bar, etc., they immediately show the sign: I am different, I am normal! I have nothing to do with this person! There is a fine line I can't define - from what point does one count mad, exactly? I think, depending on context, it's always in connection with the instinct, the fear we feel towards death. We live in an age of luxury and freedom, how dares anyone reminding us that our existence is finite? No, this is deeply personal, it's not something we all share, strangely; everyone is concerned separately. You know - you die alone. You are addressed. It's not a fucking groupchat. So that mad person in the street, you know, he reminds you of something deep, dark, of not verbal nature, something you dread. Mad people somehow see and speak the truth, the ugly truth, the unbearable truth. There you are. I am always sitting in something stinky. You ask me about my day and I honestly tell you I feel shitty. Give me two hours and I will be screening you with questions about the meaning of life and will ask you to elaborate on your and everybody's fucking credo, carpe diem. Yeah, please, I want to hear what I'm missing out on. And also, I need a how-to. Everyone these days tells everyone else, how to. How to do this and that. Instructions, for money, from an amateur - every online course's, every 2-day-retreat training's honest description line. I know everything that's out there to know. There is no greater knowledge than that. Love? Having an actual relationship? Having friends, you say? I tried. I fucking tried. And it's not my fault that I failed at everything. I am your product, everyone's product, this sick world's product, now eat me. Yes, eat me. In a world where everyone is supposed to sell - themselves, first of all, I pull myself back into a snailhouse and pronounce - whisper, rather - there's nothing to see here. Because, what's there to see about me? This raw, honest narrative no one can stand? Do you think I'm pretty? How about pretty when I wake up around 4 AM and rush to the window to breath in some cool morning air because I just had nightmares - or I had insomnia - because I was thinking about not having consciousness anymore. What it's like to be braindead. How will it feel, in the very last moments, will my body be crashed, or will I be spread out on a hospital bed; will I have any thoughts, or will I be just cut off completely without a second more to just say goodbye to this world? How about that? I told this once to someone and a few months later he reminded me of these episodes with a light laugh. Oh, well. I made a couple of mistakes even after that, I guess. I am loveable. I am worth it. I am great. Some people tell me that, and mean it, some people tell me that and are fucking liar assholes at the same time. Whatever the case is, I don't beleive a word anymore. Yes, you've just read it right - I don't beleive a word anymore, not even my own words. You don't know me unless you've know this icecold bottomless pit, the placeholder of my heart, existing somewhere in a virtual cloud, full of empathy and love I can't give to anyone, because they get it everywhere else for cheap. Drama queen, the only label you can't put on me if you are a professional and if you have a heart. Everyone else can just sincerely, fuck off. Don't dare marching in the front row with flags in your hands when it comes to the next wave of mental health awareness issues. Drama queen. Oh yes, I am. So has been a lot of other people on this Earth before me, and I'm definitely not the last one of the species. I am deeply unhappy, unsatisfied, I can't be cured. I'm hard to live with, I'm hard to be in the same room with. I do everything I can to facilitate every situation I am present in, in every possible way, yet it's not enough. Where can I find dignity, and how. For this little time that's left for me. Is there a home, is there happiness somewhere, is there someone who'd accept my love and who'd give some back to me, some new love, not just the echo of my own unsaid words. Is there? Can you hear me? Are you still there?