#internalized aphobia cw

[officialbruciewayne]

Have you ever considered a platonic relationship?

You can feel someone’s embrace without it being romantic. Cuddling isn’t inherently romantic or sexual

Not specifically, but I have been researching queerplatonic relationships which have the explicit commitment and intimacy of long-term romantic partnerships but without- but are different-

I think my concern is that not only is this not always what other people want from me, but that, perhaps I do not know how to- distill my own wants and desires from expectations and roles. The trust involved in- asking someone to navigate this with me, in asking that of a person...

It feels altogether too much. To ask so much and offer something that feels so broken.

[starfallpod]

A Slice of Life

Ace Podcast Week: Monday, Cake Fel considers getting into relationships, getting out of them, and how many slices of cake is enough. Set during the middle of Scene x. (976 words)

Getting into relationships had never been a problem for Fel.  As a general rule, he liked people, and he had his ways of getting people to like him, and so whenever the opportunity presented itself for him to be tied to someone in particular, it was so easy for him to jump in head first. Relationships as a concept - it was like being two halves of a whole person, dedicating yourselves to making each other’s lives more fulfilling, and if there was anything Fel could get behind, it was helping someone else feel fulfilled.

It was just actually being in the relationship that tended to be the problem for him.   Relationships in practice - they were messy in all the same ways people were, each with their own needs and demands.  Strange then, that this was what had become such a sticking point for him.  Fel was used to messy.  He was used to demanding.  He was used to dealing with a myriad of people, whether they be clients or managers or troupe members with a haunted mirror infestation, and doing whatever it took to get everyone what they needed.

But there was just something about it when it came to partnerships - romantic or otherwise.  When it came to another person entrusting you with so much of their life - of needing you to be the one to meet their needs, even when there were some things you couldn’t be for them, well -

Maybe for Fel, that was the difference between messy and unmanageable.  He could handle messy.  He couldn’t manage someone entrusting him with their heart and their life so fully and feeling like someday, he was just going to let them down.  So time after time, relationship after relationship, it kept feeling like no matter how much he cared for someone else, he would eventually just…not be enough.  It was starting to feel like the inevitable conclusion, the through-line from Bex to Evick to D’leya that - 

“Fel?” Leona said, glancing over at him.  “What are you thinking?”

For a long moment, Fel had to coach himself to not say what he was actually thinking, because “the inevitability of your inadequacy forcing you to drive away those you care about most” was probably not what she had actually be asking about.

She’d probably been asking about cake - which would make sense, given that they’d made a beeline from Sina’s Salon to the nicest bakery in town and had spent the past few minutes considering the variety of cake slices on display in the glass case before them.

Or, at least, Leona had.  Fel, of course, when given a moment to think, had immediately forgotten about the good things in front of him and started spiralling about all he had to lose.  And maybe that wasn’t totally unreasonable - seeing Leona start to bolt from the clothing store had alarmed him, after all.  She’d been scared into nearly leaving the troupe before, and the idea she might still have leaving on the mind was scary to him, because Leona was - 

Well, she was important, wasn’t she?

But she hadn’t actually planned on leaving today, had she?  She was worried about her past just as much as Fel, but she was worried about the things in her life right now too - things like money and new clothes and, yes, cake.

And maybe he could take a lesson from her for a change.

“Hmm, I’m really torn between the chocolate and the strawberry slices,” Fel said, raising a hand to his chin, as if in deep contemplation.  “Because I think chocolate is pretty good wherever you get it - much harder to mess up a chocolate cake.  But the strawberries on those slices are huge.  And they are nearly out of season.”

Leona nodded in solemn agreement, folding her own hands behind her back.  “They do both look good,” she said.  “But the lemon blueberry also looks very good.  And the carrot cake, and whatever that cake with the rainbow colors is.”  Her fingers fidgeted around the hem of that cloak she’d been so upset about leaving behind just half an hour ago and Fel could tell it was with all seriousness that she said, “It’s so unfair we have to choose just one.”

A smile twitched at Fel’s lips as a thought occurred to him.  Maybe they hadn’t been thinking about such different things after all.

“Y’knoooow,” Fel said, leaning towards Leona in the playful ‘I’m about to blow your mind’ kind of way he’d grown accustomed to, “we actually don’t.  Have to get the same slice of cake, that is.  You could get strawberry, and I could get chocolate, and then we could swap bites and see who likes what.”

Leona’s dark eyes widened ever so slightly.  Just wait until she heard what else he had to say.

“I mean, there’s not even any rules saying we can only get two slices,” Fel carried on.  “We’ve got clothes money to spend.  We could get three, four…maybe even ten kinds of cake if we wanted.”

For a split second, her mouth dropped open and she was clearly considering all the cake varietals, and what the experience of a combination of any ten of them could entail.

“That’s…I think ten kinds is a little too many,” Leona said before, very quietly, requesting, “But, could we maybe get three?  I’d really like to try that rainbow cake.”

Fel chuckled, slightly relieved he wouldn’t actually have to tell Dalyn they’d spent all his mothers’ clothes money on baked goods.  “Three sounds good to me too,” he said.

Yes, it was true - relationships were messy, and sometimes, they asked things of you that you couldn’t give while also being fair to yourself.

But they could be wonderfully comfortable things too, and sometimes, all you needed to make them work was an extra slice of cake.

[cyandelightz]

♣️♣️♠️♠️

-- Me -- 1. I'm polyamorous! I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend right now. My girlfriend has a couple of her own girlfriends too. 2. I've been meaning to read more books and I JUST got a library card TODAY and so I've been reading a little bit. Hopefully I'll remember to use the thing a bunch, both so my local library gets their tax dollars and also to exercise my brain.

-- The Character -- 1. Buzzo will not wear anything that he deems to have insufficient pockets. The leather strap going across his chest is actually a bandolier with a bunch of pouches, and he's wearing cargo pants tucked into boots. He'd carry a backpack if it wouldn't make him look like a kid. 2. He's had brief flings with women pre-Flash, but he could never really enjoy any of them. (Oops, he's demi and the terminology wasn't really existing for that back in the late 90s!) Unfortunately he kind of internalized the idea that he's 'broken' in some way... he should probably talk to people on the aro- and ace-spectrums...

[infernal-selfships]

i'm feeling a lot of aroallo feeling so uh. uhm. a.smo. a.smo where u at. a.smo we need to celebrate pride

[ballsalsda]

Being a fictospec cavaero is so wild because most of the time its like this

Me: pleaese... i jUst want to be nOrmal and lOve reAl tangbile pEOPLE 🥺🥺🥺

Brain: No. Instead you are going to feel four (4) tertiary attraction for the same 6 fictional characters

[bat-the-misfit]

ok some rant under the cut and me being acephobic to myself

it's funny how usually when people find out they're not straight they get in denial and pretend they're straight and some time later they accept and love who they are

it's being the opposite with me lol when i found out i was asexual in 2017, i was so happy and proud and i would think about being asexual 24/7 and be so happy bc of it

but these past two months i started hating being ace. i hate being ace so much. i hate that i'm not allosexual like most people. all my romance problems would be solved if i was allosexual bc society ties romance with sex even if both are two different things.

idk i just can't help but feel envy. it's so easy for them to date. i never dated anyone bc all those dudes were all allosexual and i wouldn't force myself to have sex with them just to make them happy. that would kill MY happiness.

i fucking hate being asexual so muuuuuch and idk how to get back to the "i love being ace" state again 😭

[negative-speedforce]

Growing up, I knew I was asexual from the time I was about 15, and I knew I was aromantic about a year later. Because I was so young, the pressure to have a relationship was fairly low, especially in the conservative religious community I grew up in. After all, it was normal for someone to "wait for marriage" to have a sexual or romantic relationship.

However, now that I'm nearing my 20th birthday, the pressure is on for me to find a boyfriend (future husband more like), with my family hounding me about it, nearly every single day.

I really don't want to do this.

I feel pressured to conform to their standards, so I don't disappoint the people I love. I don't want a traditional allo heterosexual relationship. If anything, my relationship with my girlfriend isn't a conventional relationship, closer to a "platonic life partner + kissing and snugging" than actual romance.

For the first time in my life, I feel broken. If I could magically make myself cishet allo and be happy as some man's housewife, as a traditional wife and mother, I'd take it, just to please my family.

But that's impossible, so here I am, broken and afraid.

[ginkasei]

circled back to hating being demi ✌️ jenna you'd be so happy!

[nonbinary-wyvern]

i am suddenly feeling. very strong aroallo guilt. :(

[officialbruciewayne]

You mean a lot to me, my boy. LOL.

I did not want to teach you to feel that way, but I know the example I have made has been dire.

The secrets I keep from the world at large are not the secrets I should keep from you and your siblings; I have never experienced want or love in a- partnered fashion -and for a long time, I feared this condemned me to loneliness, to never being able to build the family I once lost.

You, your siblings... you are my family. I love you all with every breath in my lungs, each bone in my body and beat of my heart. I am sorry for lying by omission, and I am sorry for not setting a better example.

Hn. If now is- ahem- if now is convenient. I would like to have the conversation I alluded to from before... -BTW

oh, uh- yeah, sure. what’s up ?

[officialbruciewayne]

Have you considered Dick sleeps around because you never showed him what a healthy relationship looks like?

...yes.

I try not to be so self-centered as to think that my own failure in relationships, my own inability to somehow have the marriage my parents had, that Dick's parents had... I try not to wonder. He seems happy sometimes. It seems to make him happy. It is his choice.

But I see the shadow of my own... choices. They have...

They have not made me happy...

I was deficient in raising my children. Where they succeed is in spite of me.

[guess-that-ship]

S11 Round 1*

Silver and Gold

Silver and Gold first met in highschool, where they got to know each other pretty quickly due to being in the same after school club, and soon enough were best friends. They work exceptionally well together, something which their clubmates take frequent note of. To Gold, friendship is the most important and powerful thing in the world, and Silver is inclined to agree.

At some point, Silver realizes he's developed romantic feelings for Gold, despite knowing there's no chance of them being reciprocated. Gold is aroace, and already frequently annoyed by society's amatonormativity, and also has a bit of an internalized aphobia issue, so Silver believes that if he told Gold about his crush, it would only make Gold feel guilty about the fact that he doesn't reciprocate. And so, to avoid hurting his best friend in such a way, Silver instead decides to keep it a secret forever and ever and ever.

Chess Buddies

cw: major spoilers, illness

Kid’s parents had a messy divorce, and Guy is now dating Kid’s dad. Initially, Kid’s interactions with Guy are with the intent of getting a rise out of his parents (“I’ll do it if Guy tells me to”). But he comes to appreciate Guy, who treats him as an intellectual equal. The two play chess often, and even when Guy and Kid’s dad aren’t speaking to each other, Guy still cheers at Kid’s sport events. Kid views him as a healthy role model, and turns to him for advice.

Guy contracts a fatal disease, and Kid visits in the hospital to play chess. Both of them struggle with the concept of loss, and Kid is greatly distressed. When Kid has an important celebration coming up, he initially declares he’s not having it because he wants Guy to be there. However, he gets the idea to have it in Guy’s hospital room. Guy declares that as the host, he should toast Kid. Guy and Kid hold onto each other until the very end of the celebration. Guy is incredibly weak, but for Kid’s sake, hangs on until the end, only dying once it’s all over.

*Ship does not have to be romantic.

[lukethewitt]

Award-winning film about asexuality 'A Matter of Trust'

My short film 'A Matter of Trust' won Best LGBT Film at the Tokyo International Film Festival and Best Short Film at the Mabig Film Festival. It tackles some of the assumptions people make about asexuality, particularly that asexuals are all abuse survivors who are scared of sex.

CW/TW: aphobia, description of sexual assault, relationship troubles

[officialbruciewayne]

Even without alien senses, or the amplification of the cowl, Bruce heard the steady tearing sound of Clark's focus training. So it was this deeply under Clark's skin? Where diamond-dusted circular saws had difficulty, a small and brilliant woman from Metropolis had been every bit as effective as a shard of kryptonite. It was difficult to be fair to Lois Lane, even as Clark had from the very first described an amicable, kind divorce. Bruce breathed out through his nose, listening to his friend, who very well could bring down a building, methodically and precisely ripping up scraps up paper.

"That makes it harder to let go," Bruce accepted quietly. "But have you given any thought to what it is you need? If you were happy?" A Then observed, "I know you would not have chosen change, but you find something positive in everything. Still, I think you gave too much in this..."

"Ah, ignore me," Bruce cut himself off. "To small wins, I suppose."

Bruce hummed, listening to the smile in Clark's voice, so it was genuinely wanting Bruce to get his skull scanned. "A touch of PCS. I'm slow in my step, that's all..."

He breathed out again, feeling his heart prickle in his chest. Aware that Clark was likely listening to its pace. He would hear Bruce's deliberate calming breath, but control felt less incriminating than its loss.

"...hn," all but confirming Clark was correct. That there was something more, not prepared to slink into the light at this point. "It would raise too many questions. I placed so much weight on Dick's shoulders I very nearly lost him again. And this time I have... relied on Jay and Cass more than is fair to them. "

Clark Kent. A man who only ever wanted to help. No wonder, that despite the differences in how they looked at the world, they had found a firm friendship. The give of understanding turning to the rush of change, finding the small victories where one took them.

Bruce sighed, licked at his teeth in thought. How to quite put that he was dreading what Selina would say if he confessed he could not love anyone the way needed of him, of unfed decisions in tiled rooms below the city to the smile of the Joker. The increasing panic of her leaving him. The wondering thought of what died alone in Crime Alley. How he had felt so distraught, so lost at the unexplained, sudden exile to the couch. The cold and loneliness prompting him to immediately offer her sex.

None of that quite resulted in a usable sentence.

Instead, he said with a wry, bitter amusement, deliberately cruel to his own decisions, "speaking of my history of failed relationships, I am not looking forward to telling Selina that I very nearly kissed the Joker whilst in captivity."

You would not believe the week I have just had. -BTW

Feel free to call me and vent, Bruce. I'm currently working on an article for a new sushi place, but can always lend an ear. @officialbruciewayne

[aroaceconfessions]

CW internalized aphobia

I’ve been feeling so weird about my identity recently. I know realistically it doesn’t really matter but I’m wondering if I’m just asexual or if there is something genuinely medically wrong with me. Maybe both? I don’t know. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was 12, so that might be part of it but I’ve never been interested in other people, nor have I been able to feel any kind of… um. Pleasure of any kind. I don’t consider myself sex-repulsed I just genuinely can’t experience any part of sexual attraction or pleasure if I’m involved. It’s making me feel bad because I do fundamentally believe that asexuals aren’t “broken” or anything like that—but I can’t seem to keep that same attitude towards myself. I definitely think I’m asexual or at least on the asexual spectrum but yeah, I just feel a lot of strange guilt and premature mourning for how hard relationships might be if I ever want one (I am also arospec). If anyone has had a similar experience and can give some advice or kind words I’d appreciate it!

Submitted May 17, 2023

[negative-speedforce]

“It’s not a ‘trigger’! I don’t have ‘triggers’! There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m perfectly normal!”, “I don’t know what’s going on with me, but… I don’t think this is normal.”, “I don’t need to see a shrink! I’m not crazy!”, “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them. I got what I deserved.”, “I’m supposed to be stronger than this!”

"I don’t know what’s going on with me, but… I don’t think this is normal.”

With: My Star Wars OCs Thalia and Liliana (I'll post a thing about her later)

cw for internalized aphobia

"Master Mithrandriel..." Thalia took a deep breath. "I think there's something wrong with me."

"Have you seen the Healers about this?" Liliana raised an eyebrow, opening the curtains of her office to let the sunlight in.

"It's nothing like that." Thalia said. "It's just... everyone else my age seems to be getting crushes. They talk about how hard it is to follow the Code, to stay free of attachments. Sometimes, I'll catch the older Padawans canoodling in the hallways. At first, I thought I was just a late bloomer, but now, I'm sixteen. I would have thought I'd have my first crush by now."

"You've never had a crush before?" Liliana raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

Thalia nodded. "No. I mean, I find people vaguely attractive, but it's more the feeling when you see a really interesting ship design than anything more than that. I don't know what's going on with me, but... I don't think this is normal."

"Oh, Thalia." Liliana laughed. "Have you ever heard of the term 'aromantic'?"

"Vaguely? I mean, I've heard it, but it's kind of confusing." Thalia replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Aromantic means that you feel little to no romantic attraction towards other people. It's perfectly normal." Liliana replied. "There's nothing wrong with you, Thalia. You're just... you."

Thalia breathed a sigh of relief. "So this isn't just a 'me' thing?"

"No. There's plenty of people out there who don't feel romantic attraction. There's also people who don't experience sexual attraction, they're asexual, and they're normal too."

"I think I might be both." Thalia said after a moment of deliberation. "Asexual and Aromantic."

"Good to know." Liliana nodded. "Just remember- you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. And if anyone ever makes you feel that way, send them to me."

"Thank you, Master." Thalia bowed her head, standing up. "I feel.... better now."

"Good." Liliana nodded. "And if you realize that you're not actually aromantic, that's fine too. Whatever happens, just be true to yourself. The rest will follow."