#internal sense of gender. i do like what the term communicates- a literal change of sex. i more so happen to be male than feel innately mal

[vamptastic]

i'm very far past arguing about it anymore but i still think the term pansexual is stupid. it'd be one thing if it was a simple reworking of the term to have more accurate etymology, like phasing out transsexual and transvestite in favor of transgender and gender non-conforming. you should still let people use the old term if they want, but coming up with a new one that conveys the meaning more precisely is fine.

but instead it seemed to be suggested as an entirely newly coined thing of its own. which is ridiculous, because it means the exact same thing that the term bisexual has meant for as long as the word has existed- being attracted to men, women, and people of other genders. and of course it implies that bisexual people have a sexuality exclusive of nonbinary people, which obviously has just never been the case, beyond individual bigots. if i call a historical figure bisexual, i generally mean they expressed attraction to men and to women at the same time, OR that they dated someone of an indeterminate gender, OR sometimes that they continued a romantic relationship with somebody through a gender transition. like, that's what the term means, it is identical to pansexuality in terms of who you might actually date or have sex with.

the only place where the terms ever diverge is that sometimes people say bisexuals are attracted to people with gender as a component, so, say someone who is only into a specific type of woman and a specific type of man. while a pansexual would date lots of different sorts of people within the male and female gender, or one type of person across multiple genders. but that's retroactively applying a new definition to bisexual than how people used it before. it's nicer than saying that bisexuality must actually mean bigotry due to its etymology, but it's still using an inaccurate definition that nobody has ever used until you decided it meant that.

basically i think the term was created because bisexual history is difficult to research and most people are entirely unaware that it even exists to be read about in the first place. so instead, people looked at the most literal etymological meaning of the term and decided that definitely must be what people mean when they say bisexual, so let's invent a new sexuality that includes more than two genders.

some people call themselves pansexual because they just like how the word sounds better, which is fine. i also don't care about stuff like omnisexual multisexual etc, it's true that bisexual has a misleading etymology. but generally when i ask somebody why they prefer that term they misdefine bisexuality to explain it. and that greatly frustrates me, because it is not particularly difficult to find writing from the 70s where bisexuality is clearly defined. it's like saying lesbians need to call themselves femalesexual because the root of the word implies they're from the island of lesbos. it's stupid.

basically i don't care what you call yourself, but don't misrepresent what another term means to justify it, just because you don't know anything about bisexual history.

[noemilivv]

Hello :) I saw you were doing Hazbin Hotel matchups and honestly I would be very excited to see who you would assign to me (no pressure ofc!!!) so I hope this request is finding you at a good time ^^

ABOUT ME: Feel free to just call me Zo! I’m AFAB and I use she/her as my pronouns. While not officially diagnosed due to growing up in a household who treated it as taboo something that I couldn’t “catch” I definitely fall under the umbrella of neurodivergence. From past research I’ve found ADHD symptoms relate to most of my experiences.

SEXUALITY/ROMANTIC TYPE: To be frank, I’ve always internally struggled when it came to my sexual and romantic identity. Found myself craving some sort of connection that traversed the likes of just platonic bonds but the couple times when someone showed interest in me I’d clam up and push them away. The couple crushes I did have always happened to develop after I had built rapport with them, after we had grew close. So for the sake of labels and for this matchup I’d definitely like to say I’m demiromantic? In terms of sexuality all I got for you is that I’m not repulsed by it??? All I know for sure is if I like them, we’d have to have been friends or at least know each other. (In terms of gender I’m fine with either or! I’m just curious to see who fits the box el oh el ^^)

PERSONALITY: Oh boy. Ok so to start off with I’m an INTP 5w4😼…. My hog warts house is Slytherin. My temperament is Melancholic (my sub temperament is tied up between Melancholic sanguine and melancholic phlegmatic). I definitely fall under the umbrella of shyness, however I’ve also noticed that depending on my company I tend to emulate the majority of the vibe. A half hearted defense mechanism in order to fit in is what I assume it be. I’m told I’m a very emotionally intelligent person, and my friends prefer to talk to me about issues and problems due to the fact that while I can comfort I can also hold them accountable and give them solid advice. They also make jokes on how I should’ve been a psychologist if I wasn’t actively getting a degree in early education. I’m terrible when it comes to changing topics which just makes it me all the more unintentionally hilarious. I’m always more funny when I’m not actively trying to be, I just have this unknown charisma that activates when i don’t try hard being funny </3. I struggle when it comes to maintaining my relationships and also most of my responsibilities, maybe it’s a numbness for my own priorities but it’s so easy to help other people in their own slumps, that when I’m forced to face my own issues and problems I can’t help but make myself numb to it and push it on the back burner. Not for lack of care, but more of seemingly frozen in place, it’s all so terrifyingly overwhelming that I just don’t even acknowledge it. Scarily good at doing that while also avoiding spieling my own feelings on personal matters that my friends always believe I have my all together. So ironically enough while I’m good at helping my friends communicate I’m terrible when it comes to communicating about myself (yippee⁉️ #imworkingonitiswear ) more or less I’m laid back, However I did used to be more of a doormat, luckily I don’t bend backwards for every little thing that breathes now LMAO. I do have a bit of a competitive streak when it comes to games (cough uno cough) and I definitely have a penchant of using my mind and other mediums as a form of escapism. Which can be ok, but sometimes I overdo it.

LOOKS: Medium length dark brown hair, round hazel eyes. I have a round face, and here in the future I want to get wispy bangs to compliment my face shape :D. Pale but not too pale skin, I have the pear shape body type, in the sense that my hips are wide, and I have somewhat big thighs but other wise I’m relatively flat. I do have a bit of chub when it comes to my midsection. Oh! I’m like 5’5 (maybe a little taller????)

LIKES: My cats Basil and Mugwort (literally my sons). I prefer more morose weather like rain. I quite like fall compared to the other seasons. I used to draw a lot but now I don’t as much, still a joyful hobby nonetheless. Recently bought a couple new books and am getting back into the grove of loving reading once more. I will absolutely demolish croutons of any kind. Currently really into mlp, it’s those TikTok infection slideshows I swear (I redownloaded the game….) I like to ramble about my interests like animation and its evolution, cats (the breeds, the care, the everything), and much much more.

DISLIKES: I hate beans. The taste. The texture. If I see beans in food it’s an immediate ick. I will gag. Overstimulating events, like I can bear with it and grow accustomed to it, but that’s doesn’t mean I’ll like it every single time. I hate being/feeling like a burden. Oh and not really a dislike and more of an annoyance(?) the fact that ritz cheese and cracker packs don’t come with the little red plastic spatula to spread your cheese anymore. I assume because it could prove to be a choking hazard, but still I’m just like 😞

LOVE LANGUAGES: Had to really scroll through my gallery because I did take an online test before!! Physical Touch was my highest (ie im extremely touch starved but am too awkward to initiate </3) Something in me just yearns for some kind of comforting touch, but I always tend to swallow it back and push it away for fear of rejection. After that focus, intellect, acts, and words of affirmation were literally all tied not even 5% behind phys touch. I’m just a kind of mentally paralyzed overthinking insecure(ish) gal, my bad bro 😎 But on a real note the confirmation that I’m being seen and heard will make me melt.

Alright!!! Hopefully my yapping was coherent and not a chore to read through!! I think it’s really cool you’re doing this and I’m mainly curious to see who it is you’d pair with me! Because I have a favorite character in mind who’d jump with joy to see, but that’s just because of bias 😭😭

And if it’s not too much of a bother is it alright to ask not to pair me with angel dust? It’s mainly personal preference so hopefully it’s not too much of a bother :))🫶🫶🫶

hey zo! this was quite the adventure to read through haha, after some deciding, I decided to go with…

Alastor !!

I can see you and Alastor meshing well together due to your craving of a platonic bond (you both may or not have a QPR? idk)

Alastor takes deep appreciation for not only your charisma and wit, but also your ability to read the room and match everyone’s energy, it’s helpful in certain situations with him

He isn’t the most touchy feely person you’ll meet in Hell, but he does make an effort, you’ll both usually have your arms loops while holding hands, or he’ll let you lay your head in his lap while he reads and he’ll rub your scalp

But Alastor isn’t afraid to tell you how it is, he makes sure you know your worth, and that he sees you all too clearly

[heckolve]

Elements n themes for ur cowboy story????

i would say that the largest theme throughout the story has to do with autonomy and self advocacy... in a way. very much like are you gonna cowboy up or just lay there and die lol. its also about kind of what it means to be human... in a more literal sense concerning yael's vampirism and commentating on aspects of humanity such as connection, community, and interpersonal relationships on ansem's part. other huge themes include power dynamics, gender roles, and sexuality. with regards to the dual wild west/post-nuclear fallout setting, there's also a lot of ideas concerning change, mutation, outcasts in all senses, fear the unknown/misunderstood, beauty in nature/body, etc. character specific themes below the cut :^]

in yael's case the autonomy theme has to do with bodily autonomy. a lot of his personal themes have to do with objectification, more specifically being seen as meat or product in both a sexual sense and a vampiric sense. besides being relevant to the setting and how yael is perceived on a literal special level, yael’s vampirism is largely meant to act as a bit of an literal, though a bit theatrical and dramatic, metaphor for feelings of dehumanization and objectification that yael internalized even before his vampirism. visuals themes and topics for his character include religion/faith (especially with relationship to sex and identity), animals with an emphasis of clashing predator/prey, meat (blood, gore, bodies) in general, eating and being "eaten" in the same sense, femininity in sort of a drag, fuck-you kind of way, and fuck the men, in every sense of the phrase. especially the first man, of whom all men were created in His image, or something like that. a large part of his character is his experiences as a woman before his transition and how that has impacted all the aformentioned feelings that inform how he navigates his relationships and expression and life choices in the present.

ansem’s whole thematic purpose in the story is to be this case study on communicative autonomy stressing community and connection over hyper independence… having to learn to be vulnerable and open and advocate for your wants and needs without seeing it as a weakness and everything. this stems from his time in a long term toxic marriage that also emphasized hyper traditional heterosexual standards for relationships. ansem's departure from this relationship and back into the rural west (as well as returning to a lower social/wealth class from his wealthy ex-wife's family) is sort of meant to explore how the wild west presents a space within that rural isolation for self expression and truth and connection over superficial wealthy city settings that are more subject to ridged social standards. in any case, ansem's visual themes & topics have mainly to do with marriage (rings, flowers, cakes, wedding toppers, veils, chains, etc.) but also his former profession as a doctor. the intricate rituals are especially relevant for him lol. kind of this juxtaposition between literal anatomy and medical tools and clinical sanitized thinking and situation and then the kind of fantasy/romanticization of the doctor's relationship with the blood and bodies of others. in these ways ansem is also more heavy on themes of power dynamics and gender roles and breaking down the idea of "being a man" within the context of marriage, sex, cowboy culture, and pain/injury.

[magratpudifoot]

I am an older millennial who grew up in a politically conservative military family. My mother has always been openly contemptuous of the femininity her mother tried to force on her, so even though I had literally zero exposure to out trans or nb folks until I was well into adulthood, I had a strong model for a sort of gnc way of being a woman from the moment I was born. I was, to a great extent, allowed to opt in or out of femininity in a way that I absolutely would not have been had I been AMAB.

(Note that this is fairly common in conservative families--girls are frequently rewarded for learning masc-coded skills, because that shows power and courage and independence. My dad was disappointed when neither me nor my sister wanted to go hunting with him.)

It took me an embarrassingly long time to come to terms with the existence of trans men. Trans women made sense to me, because women can have the hobbies they want, wear what they want, express themselves how they want. And, yeah, it pisses off a lot of people when women do those things, and there are extreme repercussions baked into being a woman (much less a trans woman), but dealing with misogynistic bullshit is part of the deal.

As I understood it, being a boy meant the world demanded that you had to keep your hair short and put limits on the kinds of clothes you could wear and the colors you were allowed to like and the characters you were allowed to play on the playground, and stepping outside those boxes would get you punished. Being a girl meant that the people who weren't misogynistic assholes would be fine with you having a buzz cut and wearing work boots and no makeup. Trans women made sense to me, because patriarchy made the "Man" category incredibly limiting; trans men didn't make sense to me because the "Woman" category already accommodated masc presentation.

At some point, after years of troubling over this issue in an attempt to understand people who I wanted to support completely and unquestioningly, it finally clicked for me what I was stumbling over: I have absolutely no internal sense of gender, and I honestly did not understand that other people do. "Girl" and "boy" for me and my feminism were 100% defined around how an individual presented themself and how society perceived and reacted to that presentation. So the idea of being a trans man only made sense under this misunderstood schema as a loss of options of what to wear and how to style oneself. The realization that THAT WAS TRULY NEVER WHAT ANY OF THIS WAS ABOUT, that other people have inherent senses of gender totally outside of socialization, took me all the way out and ultimately completely changed my world view.

Maybe if I had gotten an autism diagnosis as a child and had that understanding and that community to help me figure out social dynamics as a kid, I might have seen earlier how the rules and categories I was working out for myself were things other people didn't have to work out because they knew. And probably instead of accepting that I was a girl because I was told I was a girl and nothing about me made "girl" feel wrong because of what I thought we all knew "girl" meant, I would be one of those poor, confused autistic enbies that the TERFs need to save from our debilitating misconceptions of the world.

So honestly this all is to say that, in addition to all of the excellent commentary above about resisting arbitrary categorization, it cuts the other way, too. I think the percentage of autistic people who identify as nb is probably rising because we have access to so much more information about how other people experience their gender, and those of us who learned to mask early are unlearning the brainwashing.

ETA: It bears saying explicitly, even though I hope it is understood, that trans men are amazing and valid and not mysterious confused beings to be puzzled out. Figure out your own shit and stop being weird about other people's identities.

terfs keep mentioning the % of autistics who are trans/nb and that we're 'brainwashed'

and because i'm an asshole, i decided to look into why so many autistic folks are trans/nb. it's not an inaccurate statement, at least the first half, but terfs lie through their teeth so i decided to get to the scientific root of it.

the answer blew my fucking mind.

the study on gender and autism i found said two very specific things about autistic people: we are more mentally resistant to things like social conditioning and binarism. we like our secret third things, y'know.

an excerpt:

“The finding that non-binary identities are most elevated seems to support hypotheses focussed on autistic resistance to social conditioning, which are consistent with existing evidence of the same effect with respect to self-description of sexual orientation. Perhaps elevated rates of trans identity in autism might result from a rejection of the binary cisgenderist norm, which combined with a below-typical concern for social norms could promote the disclosure of the identity.”

94% of autistics surveyed for that paper identified themselves as non-binary.

other studies have found autistic people have higher levels of critical thinking, and require more evidence to maintain or convert to a belief system (hence why many of us eventually fall away from religion) than allistic people.

which means, at least from my perspective, that:

a) the 'brainwashing' terfs are accusing the trans community of inflicting on autistic folks would likely not even work if they tried.

b) the current binary definition of gender flies directly against embedded autistic modes of thinking to begin with.

you cannot brainwash someone into thinking something they already believe.

[tobi-smp]

I’m gonna be honest, it annoys me that they/them has become The Third/Nonbinary Pronouns exclusively in the wider queer community, for two main reasons.

1: this is another instance of people creating a third gender box that they stick people in and create expectations for Instead Of doing away with the boxes entirely. and this has manifested Both in the rejection of neopronouns (because why would anyone Need to make new pronouns when we already have the Designated Nonbinary Pronouns), And in people treating nonbinary people who use he/him or she/her or any combination that includes other pronouns like they’re using the Wrong ones.

pronouns are a form of presentation, and people have found a way to Create an expected presentation for nonbinary people and tighten that collar around anyone who doesn’t fit that image they’ve created.

2: using they/them pronouns to Avoid misgendering strangers has almost completely fallen out of favor because it’s Become a gendered term. for Years the main idea that was hammered home was To Not Assume Based On Appearances in person, and lack thereof in online spaces. they/them pronouns Are Neutral, and while that means that they’re appealing to many nonbinary people for Obvious Reasons, it Also means that it works to Deliberately avoid assuming the genders of strangers.

as best as I can tell what happened was that This sentiment “sometimes family members will use they/them pronouns as either a stepping stone between a binary person’s dead pronouns and their preferred pronouns, or will be used specifically to avoid using a binary trans person’s pronouns without Technically misgendering them. which causes obvious frustration, especially because this is a behavior that’s very difficult to call out as malicious.”

somehow Warped into “using they/them pronouns for a binary trans person is always deliberate misgendering, no matter the context, because those are the nonbinary pronouns.”

which, in a general sense that Strips nuance away from the situation, Ignoring that it’s not only not always done maliciously, but sometimes done out of Courtesy or just genuine ignorance. boundaries are important, but reacting by lashing out because you’ve decided that infraction Must be inherently malicious and wilful works to make these spaces more Hostile than they need to be.

but in a more Personal sense, it’s something that frustrates me because of literally years of rewiring the way my brain thinks about other people. I have Conditioned myself to default to they/them for literally everyone so I Don’t make assumptions based on appearances or internalized biases. I’ll switch between someone’s chosen pronouns and they/them In The Same Sentence regardless of trans status and regardless of how well I know them. my friends, my family, celebrities, fictional characters, strangers, Myself. all the time, constantly.

which Doesn’t particularly mix well with the assertion that using they/them for anyone who isn’t nonbinary is intentional misgendering. which is a problem that I’ve encountered in more than just theory.

like, I don’t begrudge anybody whose Uncomfortable with it. everything’s a case by case basis, and if I talked to someone who didn’t Want to have they/them pronouns used for them then I wouldn’t. but in terms of how the broader community Conceptualizes they/them pronouns and the Implications that they come with (or don’t come with) needs to change, or at least loosen up.

[queersatanic]

Hi, I can't reply to your post for some reason so I'll just say it here of that's okay?

I generally agree, however:

There are lesbians who are terfs; there are cis gay men who are misogynists. Transmedicalists are transphobic trans people. White queers continue to be white and weaponize white supremacy against Black, Brown, and Indigenous queers. Abled queers create inaccessible spaces for disabled queers.

That's partly my point. We share experiences and oppression and that Still hasn't stopped us from having internal community issues with acceptance. So why, when we have these struggles, are we be spending queer energy on discourse over whether or not we should allow our literal oppressors to take part, too?

Like I will say that I definitely hear how somethings I said echo the points made exclusionists make against aro, ace, and even neo-pronoun users but the difference between that and this is that those folk share the experience of falling outside the status quo of gender and orientation.

And that's what it the Queer community ultimately comes down to. We are a community because on that shared experience, that shared oppression. THAT experience is what makes us strange, and dangerous. Our lived experiences are what makes us abnormal and queer. And experience cishet folk do not share.

And now, 50+ years after LGBT pioneers fought, protested, petitioned, and even died to create a community that would simultaneously be a guard for us and strong arm for rights... You wanna try saying what? That it's queerphobic to uphold the idea that our community, born of shared experiences (regarding sex, romance, and gender) should not be open to people who don't share that experience? Who in fact are the CAUSE of our experiences? You wanna try claiming that the people who we are actively protecting ourself from somehow DESERVE to be part of our community? That they DESERVE our labor, our resources, and safe spaces?

Like in the nicest way possible let me ask: how does that make an inkling of sense?

Like what exactly have poly cishets done for you or ANY of us that have led you to that conclusion? I don't even see them on the notes of this post..matter of fact the ONLY time I've even seen this even come up is when queer folk bring it up. They even got y'all caping for them and doing That for them too. And what are y'all getting in return? Show me the posts polyam folk are making about trans worker protections? Show me the polyam blogs ran by cishet folk who Regularly advocate and post about LGBT issues. Who attend our protests.

Show me who is putting in the same work that You are doing for them.

Because from where I stand it just looks like privileged folk got marginalized folk to cape for their right to our spaces after WE are the ones who fought and died for this space. Just seems like privileged folk trying to lay claim to yet another marginalized space that did not help create.

Besides allllll of that, lets just take the word queer itself. It's a word used to cause harm. A slur that for some LGBT folk, was the Last thing they ever heard. And they heard it coming from the mouths of cishet folk. And they were called that for who they chose to kiss. For how they chose to dress. For just existing.

So like sorry not sorry but if there is One word that cishet people can't use for themselves it's queer and I'll die on that hill.

Also I saw your other response saying "words mean things" is an essentialism thing and like... Yeah I agree with that I guess should have phrased it better. I just meant that the term queer Certainly has historical and critical connotations attached to it so it's an injustice to Queer history to stomp all over that meaning and just change it because that's what the cishets want to be called. Feels like the entitlement that only privileged folks could have.

Since they weren't able to answer us, we'll just allow them space to do that here.

[nacrelyses]

okay brain if i make the post will you shut up

so love, me normally can be interpreted in a romantic sense, and it would make sense for it to be interpreted in a romantic sense of someone who desperately wishes they weren’t so different from the norm, so “bad”, so “abnormal”; that they’re so tired of being different and being treated different that they just want to be loved like they’re normal, loved like a nobody

but that’s not what i’m making this post about god damnit keep on track-

[under a read more because it’s very heavy. tw external and internal queerphobia, existential despair, also this is so long oh god 2k words]

 i could make a joke about how “cross my i’s, dot my t’s” is a joke about going on testosterone but uh i’m just going to talk about first stanza 

“I was delivered holding scissors, I live deliberately, I’m a quitter And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game”

this’ll come up later in this long ass post but the child is delivered holding the scissors to cut their own umbilical cord. when a child is born and they are a queer individual, it is up to them to cut the ties that hurt them the most - even the most close and familial ones. in the way that an umbilical cord is cut because the baby no longer needs the mother’s nutrients, the child is born with the inevitable fate of having to cut off those whose approval and love they can no longer thrive off of, or can no longer receive. or, it could be a metaphor for the scissors of fate, where the child is born with their fate in their own hands and they, being an outlier in queerphobic society, must make do with what they’ve got.

“i live deliberately, i’m a quitter” the child lives deliberately in their quest for self discovery and their need to understand and accept their queerness but at the same time they are a quitter in all the things that society considers normal but they cannot utilize to function: a white collar job when the child is an artist, a nuclear family when the child just doesn’t want one, keeping in contact with your parents when the parents do not accept their child.

“And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game” this comes up later in the post as well but yeah the child never agreed to participate in this game of life. they didn’t ask to be a player, but by default of their unwillingness and their lack of consent, they are made a winner because they are the only player at the table of their own life. they are made an unwilling winner for something they never had the consciousness to consent to experience. they can be called “strong” later in life for overcoming queerphobia, lauded as a “winner” over their oppression, but it rings hollow because to be a real winner, you have to have agreed to be playing in the first place. 

and then the chorus, this is pretty obvious. like the 

“And I'd rather be normal. Yes, so normal I suggest that we keep this informal Cause a normal human being wouldn't need To pretend to be normal to be normal Well I guess that's the least that I owe ya To be normal in a way I couldn’t be C’mon, c’mon, and love me normally”

because you know, that could kinda be interpreted as a queer child talking to their queerphobic parents. it doesn’t fucking matter if their parents are proud of them for their grades or their achievements now because no matter what, they’re proud of the persona of the child they’ve constructed for themselves. they’re proud of a fraud. the child knows they’ll never truly be loved the way they are, that their parents will only love who they want the child to be and they’ll only love the image they have of their child. think of it like internalized queerphobia, homophobia, transphobia, the idea that similar to i/me/myself, it would be easier if i were a girl [or cisgender, for a general application] and it would be easier if i were normal. the child would rather be normal in the way their parents see normal and they feel that they owe their parents, for all their parents have done to provide for them and pay for their bills and everything, the bare minimum of pretending to be normal so that they don’t break their parents’ hearts. and it’s really for the sake of everyone in the family because if they’re outed, the parents will argue, the parents will be sad, their siblings will be upset by the arguing and the mourning, they feel as though they owe their family this bare minimum of pretending -  both for their own safety, and for the prosperity of their family. moving on.

“If I could live in third person, well I don’t think life would be much worse than it is In the current tense, presently, this sentence ending in question marks or dot dot dot…”

the child feels like if they were an outsider witnessing their own life in a third person perspective, it still wouldn’t change a lot. or it wouldn’t be much worse, it might actually be better, in a sense, because they’re fully disassociated from the identity that alienates them so from their parents and their parents’ approval. but they’re living in first person, so this sentence (their life, basically, drawing upon how a suicide prevention thing a while back was using a semicolon as a symbol of your life being an author’s sentence) ends in two ways. a question mark, showing how their existence as someone outside the “norm” of a queerphobic society is rife with constant questioning and identity gaslighting because of how “abnormal” it is to deviate from the norm that you are left without many resources to figure yourself out. you die at the end of the day perhaps not even knowing who you truly are because society has not yet normalized terms that could better articulate your identity, and because you can never really know yourself. or, your sentence ends in a dot dot dot. forever unfinished. you leave with so many loose ends - maybe you move out and cut off contact with your family forever, and live perhaps happier but never knowing if they change their mind (oh god now i’m thinking about change your mind from steven universe and how steven’s entire story is a metaphor for the trans experience). maybe you decide to continue pretending and you cut off the option of really getting to know yourself a little bit better, and you die never knowing who you could have been. so living in full disassociation would at the very least not be much worse than how the first person tense currently is.

“I drank myself to death to be the afterlife of the party When the afterparty came, I was rolling in my grave”

no i am not an alcoholic, thank you very much, i am a responsible person. but the substance abuse reference can be applied to any self destructive habit that arises out of a need to cope - in this case, the child’s need to cope with their fractured identity. maybe they turn towards being hyperfeminine or hypermasculine in an attempt to feel connected with their assigned gender, which branches out into so many different destructive habits (aforementioned drinking, drugs, eating disorders, etc). they do so to become the “afterlife” of the party - if you think about a “party�� as a moment in time, it can be the moment you are in in your life. the child turns towards these destructive habits to try to achieve the unachievable. to bring the afterlife into life, to bring their parents’ false image of the child into fruition when that is never impossible and that in itself becomes destructive. but they do this in the current moment of their life, in the current party, so when the afterparty comes, they’re already dead. when the afterparty comes, they roll in their grave because it’s a hollow call for what they could have been: a more genuine person to themselves, a happier individual free of parents’ queerphobia. 

“I want you to love the way they so seamlessly, like a dream for me, so beautifully, oh so dutifully jam that square peg in the round hole in their hearts”

the bridge monologue is very very romantic-coded and i don’t think i can pull much meaning from the first bit but here, have the “jam the square peg in the round hold in their hearts”. the child has learned to “seamlessly”, like a second instinct, to jam the square peg of their parents’ false image into the round hole in their hearts, to somehow cram something into a space that was never meant to fit and should not be fitted at all. this quote speaks as though it’s the child talking to their parents, telling them, “i want you to love me, but you are only loving me as i am now, when i am literally destroying myself to be who you’re capable of loving”

“I want you to tell 'em that you love the way that they don't stick out like sore middle fingers That they crawl their way up the side of the bell curve, stick their flag in the peak, and slide their way back down I want you to tell them that you love the way that they're not maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent, but rather that you love them exactly the way that everybody else is”

yep. so the bell curve, the statistical graph, the idea that their child could sit perfectly at the average as the cishet kid their parents expected them to be. the way that they’re not “maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent”, which can all be adjectives weaponized in queerphobic rhetoric against the queer community. and the final line, that their parents love the child “exactly the way that everybody else is”. their parents hold their child to a supposed “norm” that does not really exist because of how suppressed queerness is in society, that the norm is most likely not the norm at all and who’s to say what’s a norm? their parents love them when they are “normal” and it feels like that’s the only way they’ll ever be able to love you. they’ll not be able to learn how to love a different you. 

“I was nothing before so I couldn’t have asked to be born I'll be nothing again, so what am I between now and then? Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

deep breath. okay. okay. first of all, will wood’s inflections from the last line of the first bridge all throughout the second bridge are gorgeous and hit so hard. 

but yeah. here we go here we go ho boy

the idea that birth in itself is actually an immoral thing, since children don’t ask to be born. they don’t ask to be brought into this world, to experience this world, to develop mental illnesses and to face queerphobia or discrimination or danger in any sense because of who they are. they don’t ask to be born into a family that consistently alienates them and forces them to keep quiet about something that’s so important to them. and the child, in learning that their parents are queerphobic and will never accept them the way they are, realizes now even more that they never asked to be born. they didn’t ask for this closeted life. they didn’t ask for this kind of pain, this kind of false love, this kind of otherness. they never asked for any of this. 

“i’ll be nothing again...” the idea that life is finite, that they’ll become that “nothing” they were before they were born if they come out to their parents because in that sense, it’s the parents asking themselves, “why did we have a child that turned out this way? we didn’t ask for this kind of child. we never asked for this kind of person. we never asked to raise them as they are now.” look if you can’t fucking accept that your child will be anything other than a cishet individual made to play out your nuclear family life so you can project your ideas of parenting and hopefully help parent your grandchildren in all the ways you fucked up your own kids i want you to-to- the window is right there. leave. fucking leave. 

“Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

is there really nothing to fear, from your parents? they’re supposed to be your closest guidance but is there truly nothing to fear from them if they hate the idea of who you really are? the child is questioning their identity (”shit’s getting weird”) and everything they’ve ever perceived their parents as is thrown up in the air.

and we can’t have all this internalized queerphobia without some religious trauma, can we? the child asks the all knowing, all seeing God, “what was your plan for me?” did this God intend for this child to have to go through this pain? this suffering which is often carried out in the name of aforementioned deity? this God better have one hell of a plan, really, because this child sure as hell needs one, and this God better have a good enough excuse to be able to redeem themselves in this child’s eyes. 

all the choruses are just the child constantly asking their parents: “am i normal enough?” “do i need to pretend more?” “i know i owe you this much at least, can you tell me you love me? the normal me?” “can you tell me you love me at all?”

[vampireqrow-moved]

um its my birthday so wait until 12:01am pst to block me if u hate this post 🥰🥰

long story short the pansexual label is redudant and actively harmful (its far from the worst problem bisexuals face but it is one issue) and i dont hate anyone who identifies as pan because A) those ppl are bi like me and B) i used to identify as pan myself.

if thats enough for you to block me and make a callout post for me then i cant stop you but pretty please either read this whole thing or just wait a few minutes for my bday to end 🥰🥰

anyways im kicking off this point with some personal experiences bc i love to talk to myself. i got introduced to the pan label at maybe 10ish years old, and started identifying with it pretty much right away. i heard about it before bisexual and it was pitched as attraction to all genders and of course trans people. i was of course a trans ally! i had trans friends! i was trans also but hadnt figured it out yet! the way i had heard of it, there was no bisexual, there was no need for bisexual, and identifying differently was excluding trans people, which I was certainly against. being bisexual was trans exclusionary and why would i exclude trans people? the 'hearts not parts' slogan was thriving around this time and i genuinely said it and meant it.

as i started to become more online, mostly through roleplaying websites and tumblr here, i started hearing of bisexuality. it was supposedly an older term, so older people still used it, but it was common knowledge that pansexual was the better, inclusive label and younger people should adopt the new inclusive language instead of the old and transphobic words like bisexual. /s

and then bi and pan solidarity was all the rage! pansexual wasnt erasing bisexuality, why did anyone ever think that? bi and pan were two separate and complete identities that were valid and had to be respected or youre a mean exclusionist. and an asexual person, hearing people labelled exclusionist always meant they were excluding people from the lgbta community who rightfully belonged, denying peoples lived experiences, and generally telling people theyre wrong about their sexuality because theyre too young. and all of those things were bad and had hurt me, so it would be ridiculous to change labels and support "pan exclusionists" because they were just as bad as ace and aro exclusionists, and they were all the same people. or so it seemed to me at that time.

then, 'hearts not parts' began getting called out for blatant transphobic by insinuating that pansexual was the only identity that loved people for their "hearts" and personalities instead of those gross gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and even straights who only saw people for their "parts". (STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT OPPRESSED. I AM MERELY POINTING OUT THAT PANSEXUALITY WAS SHOWN AS ABOVE ALL OTHERS.) many pan people, including myself, began to denounce the slogan and insist pansexuality wasnt transphobic, there had just been a coincidence that a transphobic slogan was everywhere and a huge part of people's explantions of and associations with pansexuality. hint: it wasnt a coincidence.

from my perspective, this is when i began to see people discussing dropping the word pansexual. that seemed to be a huge step from getting rid off a transphobic slogan, and these people were just meanies who hated microlabels. and i like microlabels! as a genderfluid person, and someone who has friends who use specific aro and acespec labels, ive seen how people can use them to name specific experiences while still acknowleging their presence underneath umbrella terms like aromantic, asexual, nonbinary, lgbta, and for some people, queer.

pansexuals dont do that. they dont label pansexuality as a specific set of experiences under the bisexual umbrella, they see themselves as a separate identity, and even if they started to, the history of biphobia and transphobic undeniably linked to the existence of pansexuality in enough to stop being worth using. but i digress. pansexualitys shiny new definition that many people cling to is that pansexual is attraction to all genders. bisexual is two or more genders.

which. frankly? doesnt make any sense. my guess is that its supposed to be inclusive of nonbinary genders and those a part of cultures who historically have not had a binary gender system in the first place. i cannot speak for the latter group, but as a nonbinary person, its not inclusive. anyone can be attracted to nonbinary people. literally anyone. theres no way to know if everyone you meet is nonbinary or not. whether or not a nonbinary person reciprocates those feelings and is interested in pursuing a relationship is completely up to the individual, regardless of the sexualities of the people involved.

bottom line is that you cant number the amounts of genders someone can be attracted to, thus rendering those definitions pointless. people can be attracted to all kinds of people regardless of gender, even if they are gay, a lesbian, or straight. all people can date thousands of nonbinary genders if all people involved are interested and comfortable with it. numbering the genders you can be attracted to diminishes the post of nonbinary, as it is not a third gender, it simply any experience not fitting within the western concept of the gender binary (if the person so chooses to identify as such. if you cant tell already, the nonbinary experience is varied between every single nonbinary person.) important to note also that no widely accepted bisexual text defines bisexual as attracted to exclusively two genders or even the "two or more genders". i know this is used a lot but please read the bisexual manifesto. its free online i promise.

some people also claim pansexuals experience "genderblind" attraction while bisexuals feel differently attracted to different genders. this is very nitpicky for whats supposed to be two unconnected idenities, but thats only part of the problem. this definition is also not in any widely accepted bisexual texts, and bisexuality has never excluded those who experience genderblind attraction. i am in fact a bi person who experiences genderblind attraction. this does not mean i am not bisexual. it simply means i experience bisexuality differently than other bisexuals, and thats wonderful! no broad communities like bisexuality are expected to all share the same experience. we are all so different and its amazing were able to come together under the bisexual flag.

last definition, or justification i should say, is that yes these definitions are redundant and theyre the same sexuality, but people prefer different labels and thats okay. i agree in principle. people can define themselves as many things like homosexuals or gays or lesbians or queers or even other reclaimed slurs, while still not labelling themselves under the most "common" or "accurate" labels.

but pansexuality isnt the same as bisexuality, which may sound silly but hear me out. it has been continually used as a way to further divide bisexuals, who are already subject to large amounts of lgbta discrimination. "pansexuality was started by trans people who were upset with transphobia within the bisexual community! it cant be transphobic OR biphobic!" except of course that it can and it is. to say that trans people cant be transphobic is absurd. transmedicalism is right there, but thats not what im getting at. all minorities can have internal and sometimes external biases against people who are the same minority as them.

pansexuality was started as a way to be trans inclusive at the expense of labelling bisexuality as transphobic when its not. transphobia is everywhere, and bisexuals are not exempt. instead of working on the transphobia within the community, the creators of pansexuality decided to remove themselves from it to create a better and less tainted word and community, and the fact that pansexuality is intended to replace bisexuality or leave it for the transphobes goes to show a few things. pansexuality and bisexuality are inherently linked because the pan label is in response to the bi label. due to its origins, it is inherently competing with bisexuality and it cant be "reclaimed" from its biphobic roots. pansexuality is not a whole, separate, and valid label. its a biphobic response to issues within the bisexual community.

to top off this post, heres something a full grown adult once said to me. in person. she was my roommate. "i feel like im pan because im attracted to trans people. trans women, trans men, i could definitely date them. but not nonbinary people because thats gross and weird." she saw pan as trans inclusive and defined herself that way as opposed to bi which is shitty!

also a little extra tidbit about my experiences identifying as pan. i saw myself as better than every bi person. all of them. even my trans and bi friends. whenever they brought up being bisexual i would think to myself "why dont you identify as pansexual? its better and shows people you support trans people." because i was made to believe bisexuality didnt and was therefore inferior. thats the mindset that emerged from my time in the pansexual community. i am so sorry to all of my bisexual friends even if they never noticed. i love you all and hope you have a great day. this also goes to any bisexuals or people who identify as bi in anyway, such as biromantic or simply bi. love you all.

ummm yeah heres some extra reading i found helpful and relevant. here and here. also noooo dont disagree with me and unfollow me im so sexy 🥴🥴🥴

[dekusbrokenarms]

Class 1-A Gender and Sexuality Journey Headcanons

This is mostly just me really liking messy self discovery because I am a messy bitch.

Kyoka Jirou

First off, Kyoka is a trans girl. She socially transitioned when she was really young and began medically transitioning in high school bc her parents are super supportive and great (we stan a supportive parent)

She first thinks she's bi when she's 14 and comes out as such at 15

She dates Kaminari for a while second year and after they break up she's pretty certain she's a lesbian

After high school, she has a couple years where gender is kinda nebulus. For a while thinks she's a nonbinary lesbian but then decides she's just GNC and punk but definitely full girl

She gets more comfortable in her gender after that, but starts questioning her sexuality again

And ends up back at bisexual, but like not attracted to dudes. Girls and nonbinary people only please

Also she and Momo reconnect in their mid twenties and hit it off and get married

Denki Kaminari

Denki is completely comfortable calling himself straight up until he's 17

But don't get it twisted, he definitely was already acutely aware he was into dudes

Because wow boys are pretty

But he also just kind of ignores it because OMFG GIRLS

But after his other friends start coming out, he gets more comfortable thinking about his sexuality but doesn't bother labelling it

Specifically he doesn't want to label it because he gets comfortable with it after her starts dating Kyoka and doesn't want anyone thinking he's calling himself not-straight for dating her

But a couple months after he breaks up with Kyoka, he starts fooling around with Hitoshi and like really he's at the point of no return so he just slaps the bi label on himself and goes about his day

Towards the end of third year, he starts playing around with GNC and really vibes with the genderqueer label, but still uses he pronouns because he's used to them

He and Hitoshi break up after graduation and Denki really throws himself into exploring his gender and sexuality

And starts using he and they pronouns and typically dresses on the masculine side of androgynous but with lots of cool makeup

He gives polyamory a shot, but he keeps finding himself feeling like he's third wheeling other people's relationships and decides its not for them

In their late twenties, he and Hitoshi hook up at a reunion party and hit it off. They keep things casual for several months before suddenly they decide to move in together and in a blink of an eye, they're in a legit committed relationship without knowing how it got there but it feels right to them.

Eijirou Kirishima

No flavor for this one. He figured out he was gay when he was 12 and it stuck. His moms are lesbians and support him wholeheartedly.

Katsuki Bakugou

I think Bakugou also grew up with queer people in his life so he was never really in the closet

He was pretty certain he was asexual and aromantic until Kirishima weedled his way into his heart

At 17, he decides that he's probably demi-pansexual and demiromantic but that feels like too much so he just says queer.

This boy knows all the words though. Keeps very up to date with the local and global state of queer communities but doesn't talk about it unless prompted or provoked

At first he was very private about his relationship with Kirishima because it was no one's fucking business but after seeing the rampant homophobia in the hero business, he became very loud and very proud of his boyfriend very fast

Eijirou and Katsuki probably got married at, like, 21 and did not give one shit when people pointed out they were young. And they're together for the rest of their lives so those fuckers can suck it

Mina Ashido

Mina is your classic bisexual disaster and spends her teens and early twenties going between calling herself straight, bi, and a lebsian depending on who she's currently into because this bitch has zero object permanence

She chills out in her twenties though and is comfortable calling herself bisexual at long last

Hanta Sero

Sero is pretty comfortable being straight right up until all his friends come out

He spends a couple months questioning his sexuality before knowing for certain he's straight

But he's that one straight dude that always ends up dating bi and pan girls by complete happenstance

Hitoshi Shinsou

He really does not know what his sexuality is

Sometimes its yes

Sometimes its no

He says queer because he can't be assed to look into any of the microlabels

He just knows he's not straight and that's good enough for him

Momo Yaoyorozu

This girl is a lesbian but trying to convince herself of that was A PROCESS

She denies it for years and years

Its not until after graduation she thinks, but doesn't dare say, she's bi because she tells herself she's "mostly into guys anyway" so "it doesn't really count"

Slowly her percentage shifts away from guys and to girls

She's 23 before she accepts she's a lesbian

But she doesn't come out until she's 28 because she's scared since her parents expect her to end up with a man

Ochako Uraraka

This girl is mostly into guys. Like she's pretty sure she's straight because all the crushes she had so far have been on boys

When she's 18, she starts to suspect she might like girls too but is really too shy to explore that feeling at first

But when she does? Oh boy she will not stop talking about how wonderful and perfect girls are and how unfortunate her attraction to men is because she feels insecure in her validity as a bisexual woman with a preference for men

Tsuyu Asui

Tsuyu has known she's a lesbian since she was 15 and was very comfortable with that

She questioned if she might be bi a time or two but always came back to being gay

She does realize she's an ace lesbian at 18 though but she's also okay with that

Her goals in life are to own a house by a lake with a beautiful wife

Tenya Iida

Tenya is pansexual

Literally he just cannot see why gender would be a factor in choosing a potential partner

He never came out because he was 20 before he realized that this was not the default state and others weren't just being picky by having a different sexuality

And by then, every knew because he made no attempts to hide his partners

He was really stressed at first about it, and asked Tensei why no one ever told him he should be more careful with publicly showing his sexuality but Tensei was just like "we just thought you knew what you were doing, dude. And it looks like it worked out"

Izuku Midoroya

Again, Izuku is too swept up in "nghh girls pretty" to think too much about his sexuality when he's younger

When he gets a crush on Shouto, he doesn't recognize it as a crush at first because it felt so natural and comfortable and he was used to being uncomfortable around people he liked

So he has a crush on Shouto for years before it hits him: Oh I'm not straight

He stays in that nebulous not-straight state for months because he does not have time to deal with that

But once he stops procrastinating his sexuality, he cannot decide if he's bisexual or pansexual or polysexual and he gets super wrapped up in researching microlabels and its super overwhelming

He even questions his gender for a little bit but settles on he's a cis man pretty quickly

He does eventually start dating Shouto and just calls himself gay for a while because it's easier than trying to piece together ten microlabels like he's tempted to do

However after Shouto begins exploring his gender identity, Izuku gets more comfortable just calling himself pan because he realizes that gender never really played a part in who he likes.

Shouto Todoroki

He came out as gay at 14 to piss off his father depsite the fact he didn't actually have any feelings about his sexuality at the time

No he decided he didn't care what his sexuality was. He was gonna be gay.

And he forgot he did that until he was 17 and was like, oh- I should probably figure out my actual sexuality, after being questioned due to his close relationship with Izuku

So he thought about it for about 15 seconds to say, well, I do like Izuku so I'll just be actually gay now

That stuck until after graduation and into his twenties when he started questioning his gender

He figured out he wasn't particularly attached to masculinity or femininity and found comfort in the agender label

They started using gender neutral pronouns and grew their hair out long but that's really all that changed

They came back to their sexuality after that and decided it was just "men"

Izuku tried to be helpful and offered terms like androsexual, but Shouto didn't find them very useful so they like to tell people their gender is no and their sexuality is dude

It gets the point across

Yuga Aoyoma

Okay, so we all know he’s gay

But despite how flamboyant he is, this boy is a closet case

He definitely had a crush on Izuku first year, but he couldn’t handle that yet so he definitely lived vicariously through Ochako’s crush on him

I don’t think he came out until after high school

And zero people were surprised

He probably does drag too

And he’d look fabulous doing so

Kouji Koda

I think Kouji is ace 

I don’t think this is a word he had for himself until he was in his mid twenties

He just assumed he was a late bloomer and he’d been told he just had a low self esteem

But he finds the ace community and suddenly everything makes sense and he feels comfortable in his own skin

Once that falls into place, he discovers he’s also aromantic

He ends up having a platonic life partner and they have lots of pets and plants together

Fumikage Tokoyami

Fumikage figured out he’s bisexual when interning under Hawks. Like fuck, he had the most embarrassing crush on this guy who’s aesthetic is so embarrassing

I don’t think he had much trouble accepting that he’s attracted to guys though

Like a demon lives in his head

He’s mostly suffering because he has a crush on his cheerful, friendly mentor

Dark Shadow is very happy about this development because it’s a chance to embarrass him and make him uncomfortable

Fumikage gets renewed interest in being able to control Dark Shadow to shut his whore mouth

Unfortunately Dark Shadows outs him to his mentor

Fortunately Hawks is really cool about it and tells DS to have some chill and doesn’t give Fumikage a hard time about it, but Fumikage doesn’t get invited back for another internship with him and finds himself assigned to do work with sidekicks afterwards

Mezou Shouji

Mezou doesn’t fuck with gender

It’s not that he necessarily feels disconnected from his masculinity but rather that he just feels like gender is archaic and useless

So he’s pan and bigender (male and agender)

Definitely would make jokes about be attracted to frying pans and this is how he comes out to Fumikage in their third year. 

Rikidou Sato

Rikidou doesn’t really date in high school

Soon after graduation he ends up in a relationship with a girl that lasts five years before he realizes he’s gay

One time someone tells him he should have known sooner since he likes baking so much and he punches them in the face (I like to imagine this person was Mineta for face punching purposes)

He ends up good pals with the woman he was dating and she’s his maid of honor at his wedding :’)

Tooru Hagakure, and Mashirao Ojiro

I’m sorry if one of them is your fave. They’re both straight and cis and have never questioned it even once. 

[lesbomatriarchy]

Hello. I haven’t been on here in a long while. Here are some updates:

- firstly, for those of you who won’t read this entire post, I’m probably abandoning this blog. If you want to keep up with my various art projects, check out @twiceshyincites...am on a bit of a music kick right now, but who knows what I’ll do in the future?

- am still a dyke, just a slightly more stable one now

- I use they/them and she/her pronouns. I’ve noticed that I seem to prefer they/them around people I feel comfortable expressing my gender presentation around, but I don’t think I feel okay saying to use exclusively they/them pronouns. This is okay. I don’t have to choose and I can change my mind in the future.

- I’ve got a girlfriend now. Fell in love through letters/letter-length messages. They’re an artist, among other things. In true lesbian fashion, I’ve entered into an extremely long-distance relationship that I would probably laugh at if it involved anyone but myself. But I can’t help it. I’ve never felt the way I do about this person, and I wouldn’t trade them for anyone in the world. It feels good. It feels right, finally. 

- I’m learning that the idea of an overarching LGBT community is functionally useless in terms of organization-based structural change. It is important to understand that LGBT people exist all over the globe, but to reduce us all as one group is dehumanizing at best. I am not in some secret club based on my gender and sexuality, nor do I want to be. I will not show solidarity to a racist, antisemite, transphobe, etc. simply because we both like women. If we are to form any organization based on a broad spectrum of identities, it must have a specific goal. Otherwise, it is inevitable that we will be distracted by what is considered the “x experience--” the ignorance of which may be distressing but ultimately meaningless compared to the literally life-or-death matters induced by homophobia and transphobia. Someone projecting bullshit onto lesbians, especially butches, is frustrating, but I will not waste time in a useless internet argument about it when my friends are homeless and dying. 

- On that same note, I don’t think it’s possible to have truly trans-inclusive spaces until we understand that women are capable of misogyny. While we should of course focus on victims of prejudice before anyone else, but ultimately all prejudice is internalized to some extent. Sexuality and gender have never determined one’s politics. Or should we pretend Roy Cohn wasn’t horrifically homophobic?

- I mention these things because I think as a young person I needed to believe otherwise. That was what Tumblr, and especially this blog, was about. Shouting I’m gay into the void. Finding a singular similarity with people because we were womenthings or gay or bi or questioning our gender or whatever. And it’s so important to find people who are like you. In a strange way, identity politics sort of saved my life. But I am no longer a scared teenager in tears over the thought that I might be something I had told myself for years I was not. I am a complex person with political beliefs, with religious beliefs, with a particular relationship to my gender that cannot be shared...with a particular relationship to me sexuality that cannot be shared. A particular relationship to myself. There are a million facets of my identity that I finally feel comfortable and confident to explore. 

- I know I have some younger followers on here. If this doesn’t make sense to you, that’s okay. I literally made this blog because I wanted a safe space after coming out as bi (oops). All I wanted to do was draw a girl in rainbow. Put pride flags all over my blog. Discuss how the TV writers were clearly trying to fuck us over. Or give us the content we deserved. Or something. Settle for poorly-written content because it was all we had. And that was what I needed. It may be what you need too. But know that there may be a time when what you need is something a little different, and this will be okay too.

- None of you are unloveable. None of you are completely alone.

- X-Ray Spex still fucks

- Also I got a vibrator. And a weighted blanket. Highly recommend.

- Goodbye

[mindingmyownbrain]

What is stimming?

This is going to be a long post.

Stimming is a slang term in the autistic community derived from the medical term self-stimulation, although the term can be used for a wide variety of self-soothing behaviours as well. The term is used widely in the autistic community and can refer to more obvious stims like hand-clapping or more subtle ones like muscle clenching. 

Autistic people may stim either deliberately or automatically. Sometimes you’re not even aware that you’re doing it. Some stims might even feel like they happen to a person rather than are done by them, such as when they’re associated with zoning out or if the impulse is very difficult to suppress (if this is the case, it might even feel akin to OCD).

Some stims are very pleasing to engage in but other stims may be unwanted by the autistic person for a variety of reasons. For example, they may be harmful or perceived to be socially inappropriate. Unwanted stims can include jaw clenching, tooth grinding, hair pulling, skin picking, finger biting, and others. Sometimes these urges are there and can be avoided by switching to another stim, but other times they can cause problems for an autistic person.

Some autistic people are proud of their stims, and may even feel sorry for non-autistic people for not being able to enjoy the sensory experience of stimming as much as autistic people do. However, due to social stigma, other autistic may feel embarrassed or ashamed of their urge to stim and may suppress it or only do it in private. 

Stimming, in general, is life-enhancing. Many autistic people consider it essential to their mental health. Stims can provide an escape and act as a coping mechanism. 

Stimming can include any of the senses:

Sight: Visual stims might include zoning out while watching shadows of light on a wall, looking into a light source, rapidly blinking, and so on. 

Sound: Auditory stims can include listening to sounds, making sounds, or repeating them (such as repeating phrases or words over and over).

Taste: Eating spicy foods can be an enjoyable stim for some, or eating food with specific textures or colours.

Smell: This might include smelling “smelly” things like essential oils, or smelling different items like the sleeve of a jumper you are wearing, and so on.

Touch: Touch is a very common stim as it can be very subtle, such as tapping your fingers on your leg or holding your own hands, or touching things around you.

Temperature: Feeling hot and cold things, or making yourself either hot or cold.

Proprioception: This is the sense of self-movement and can involve running, rocking, pacing, spinning, jumping up and down, or dancing (even when there is no music!).

Pain: Pain can feel pleasurable to someone regardless of whether they are on the spectrum or not. The difference is context, quality, and amount. Examples of pain as a benign stim include gently biting your lip, pinching your skin with your fingernails, hair pulling, or eating a very spicy chilli pepper. 

Balance: Standing on one leg, spinning, walking on tiptoes are all examples of balance stims.

Vibration: Humming can cause one’s lips to vibrate, electric massagers can vibrate muscles, and so on.

Various internal stimuli: some autistic people might allow themselves to feel hungry or thirsty, or hold their breath.

There is also the sense of time, but I think you’d have to be another kind of being altogether to use that as a stim... that’d be, like, The Highest Level Autistic: Able to Stim With the Concept of Time.

Anyway, I digress. 

Non-autistic people “stim” as well, but not to the intensity as autistic people do. If you are reading this and thinking, “Well, everybody does that...” you’re partially right. Non-autistic people should be able to relate to some stims but won’t necessarily be able to relate to how important they are to autistic people. This is partially evidenced by non-autistic people telling autistic people to “just stop it”. Autistic people need to stim.  

Autistic people stim to regulate emotion, to express emotion, to focus, to tune in or tune out, to help us socialise, to ward off a meltdown, to regulate sensory input, or simply because the urge is very hard to resist or because it feels good.

Autistic people each have their own preferred stims. One person’s favourite stims might not do anything for another, or they may even seem unpleasant or strange. The feeling might be mutual! This is because autistic people are all individuals. As we often say in autistic advocacy, when you’ve met one autistic person you’ve met one autistic person.

Stimming can involve simple behaviours or they can be a more complex series of behaviours, even rituals. Stims may “hide” in daily life if they become hobbies like singing or riding a motorbike (the speed! The feeling of movement! The vibration!), or by becoming part of a routine such as having a cold shower at the start of the day or snacking on particular foods specifically for a sensory release.

You can also involve other people in your stimming such as by having them provide touch for you, or listening to their sounds. 

Again, everybody stims to some extent but stimming is incredibly important for autistic people. For me, resisting the urge to stim is deeply distracting and uses up a sizeable amount of willpower to resist doing it. It can also be very stressful to not stim.

Stimming tells me where my body is. Someone putting their hand on my back can calm me down right away because I suddenly know where I am. Everything is always somewhat overwhelming even when I am not doing very much, and I need to stim for the release. 

I also find it hard to realise my own feelings a lot of the time, whether that’s an emotion or feelings like hunger. Stimming helps me to tap into these feelings (literally so sometimes: tap, tap, tap, tap, tap...).

Even writing this I keep pausing to dig my nails into my fingers, rub my hands together, or run my fingers over the keyboard to feel the texture. 

Stimming is stigmatised but it seems that stigma is in direct proportion to a lack of awareness of stimming. Again, everybody stims! It needn’t be thought of as such a weird or worrying thing. 

Some parents try to stop their autistic children from stimming so that the children appear “normal”. They feel disturbed when their child keeps dancing at “inappropriate” times when there’s no music. Some therapists have even gone as far as to tie the hands of autistic children down, or brace their legs to stop them walking on their tiptoes.

Most stimming is harmless, though, and even beneficial. Some stims can be distracting for others and might require compromise. Other stims, like headbanging, can be an expression of distress. It is usually much better to address the source of the distress than to merely stop the stim that is expressing it. 

Before I was diagnosed with autism I didn’t think I stimmed. When I read about it I had an assumption that it must be this weird, odd, obvious thing that autistic people did (that’s the stigma. If it’s “an autistic behaviour” then it must be weird, right? And if your stim isn’t weird... “you can’t be that autistic”. That’s also a stigmatising thing to say). I saw a few videos and recognised some of the stims as things I frequently do. When I logged off the computer, I observed myself over the next few weeks. I realised that I stimmed almost all the time.

What I now realise is called stimming, I called “body fiddles”.

As for most autistic people, my preferred stims change over time. As child I loved spinning and jumping. As an adult my stims most commonly involve fiddling with my hands, fingers, squeezing parts of my skin, and hair twirling. 

Even though this post is now very long, there is still more to say, especially about gender and stimming - but that is a subject for another day.

[myriadnarratives]

Netflix’s Shadow and Bone: My Fangirling Thought-dump

Fair Warning: I’m a darklina, so leave now if you’re not going to be decent (I don’t bash on Mal, though, so you’re safe there)

So I binged Shadow and Bone without reading the books (judgmental people, leave now), and let me tell you, I love the show. True, there were some things I wish were different based on what I’ve been spoiled on about the books, but as a show in and of itself, it’s strong.

So here’s just a dump of my thoughts and fangirling (I use *chef’s kiss* a lot). And obviously, spoilers ahead.

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

WHAT I LOVED

- The storytelling, both narrative and visual, is exquisite. How the dialogue contributes to the storytelling, answering the audience’s questions and doubts clearly even before they’re brought up; how the visual arrangement contributes to informing the audience of what they need to know and how that timeline of knowing helps the audience in piecing together the story, the characterization, and the timeline; the tying in of characters’ storylines so audiences are not confused as to why we’re spending so much time watching the goings-on with a character. *super chef’s kiss*

The show is so organically unified in terms of characterization, visual media, dialogue contribution, and so much more that I just, uh, I cannot even! I LOVE THE ART OF IT!

- How the show dealt with race, identity, prejudice, politics, social acceptance, individual needs, personal wants, the desire for security and safety that mean differently for each character *raises both hands to the heavens in thanks* The show’s concepts hit close to home for me in terms of race, prejudice, mixed biological identity that informs social perceptions, the desire for belonging and safety and acceptance, and I think this show would hold a special place in my heart for its portrayal of these issues.

- How different sexualities and genders are portrayed so casually, as if it’s an everyday normal thing (as it should be).

- The Crows (of course) and how their story intersected with Alina’s, and how the storytelling (I’ll keep going on about the visual storytelling until I run out of breath) shows the intersections and develops the diverging stories to meld into each other

- How they showed how brilliant Kaz’s mind is. The visual storytelling of showing one scene without explanation, leading the audience to create their own assumptions on what Kaz was seeing, then having the scene turn out different once it has been explained later when things have unfolded *chef’s kiss*: the meeting between the Conductor and the First Army General, the hidden changing room, the lynx flush assignments 

- How Inej’s faith is portrayed neither negatively or positively; it’s just a thing that is not contrived but contributes to the plot, not some sort of moral policing inside or outside of the story.

- Mal! I heard he’s a jerk in the books, that’s why I didn’t want to read the books before watching the show. But god, his first scenes with the sparring, and the way Archie moved in that fight. Also how Mal’s overall storyline progressed, how his ties to Alina was shown, how his feelings got revealed to the audience even before it got revealed to Alina so the sincerity is not questioned. That True North thing! *heart eyes*

- How the issue of consent in the sexual sense is highlighted as important. The darkling literally asks “Are you sure?” before he proceeds. (Of course, this is very different from his take on non-sexual consent later in the show - like really, you literally put a control button on your hand to control her powers! Dude...)

- The exploration of Alina’s overall consent and agency. They even literally have her say her lack of it when she was in the final episodes. Even Kaz shoves it in the Darkling’s face that she doesn’t want to be a captive anymore. And throughout the show, the thought processes behind her decisions are clearly communicated, giving her agency a lot more weight as the audience can understand and sympathize with her decisions. And she’s not just a “victim” of the story; she pushes the story along with her actions, from her decision to burn the maps so that she could come with Mal, to her childhood decision to cheat the Grisha test, to something as visually simple (yet strongly narrative-affecting) as choosing the left or right path in Baghra’s escape route.

- The exploration of want. What each character wants, how one want like “security” could mean an entirely different thing for each character (i.e. the Darkling’s want of security for the Grisha, Alina’s want of security for herself, Inej’s want of security in the form of freedom, etc.). The show, being well-written, is a smorgasbord of academic analysis. Again, if I haven’t said it yet, I LOVE THE ART OF IT!

- NINA!!! God, I really like how the actress looks! There’s just something about her face that I really, really like. And then there’s Nina’s lines, the delivery, the attitude *chef’s kiss* One caveat though: I wish she wasn’t made to say “Please” when she was hanging off the ice ledge. Even though she had already warmed up to Matthias (and him to her), I would have wanted the scene to be a clash of his pride and her dignity: just like in the ship earlier, her not submitting even to his kindness (sincere or otherwise), and him having a moral crisis on helping a “witch.”

- Genya’s hand-to-hand fight *absolutely beautiful*

- The overall fight choreographies. It’s not just people punching each other and brawling; the jiu-jitsu locks and judo throws hold a special place in my practitioner’s heart, and the fights look really good, either it be for the women (Hello, Genya and Inej) or the men (Mal and Aleksander’s fight looked so different from usual brawls because of the throws).

- How the different Grishas, even the usually non-combat ones, can weaponize their abilities: Healers can, obviously, break bones; Heartrenders can stop your heart; and even the Sun Summoner can blind you.

- Jesper and Milo the goat. “Grab the goat. Hug the goat. Shut the fuck up.” And how Jesper tearfully parted with Milo LOL

- How Alina just climbed right into the get away carriage’s literal trunk. LOL!

- Kaz and the Darkling meeting. I know it’s not in the books (they’re not even in the same trilogy/duology), so having these two characters with so much gravitas meet and actually verbally spar is *chef’s kiss* 

- Inej’s first kill is to save Kaz *heart eyes*

- The Darkling’s humor! “Yes, David?” and “I’ll have to give that speech again” were hilarious!

Of course, there’s many more, generally because of how they contribute to, again, the visual and narrative storytelling and the characterizations and the plot progression and, ugh, I'll stop now or else I'll just keep going on about how much I love how this show was crafted.

NEUTRAL

- I heard that Alina was supposed to be funny in the books, but apart from the “No pressure” and “My tailbone is killing me” lines, there wasn’t really much of that humor in there--most of the humor came from Jesper’s scenes or Mal’s friends. Honestly, I think the show Alina fits the story, so I don’t really care if her humor is not as evident.

WHAT I DIDN���T LIKE

- Gosh, Netflix and the showrunners really know how to market the show. They were right when they said the first step is to cast Ben Barnes. Then the focus on the General/Darkling and Alina’s story and relationship, that sort of dark and brooding archetype getting with the green and pure protagonist, is so delicious. But of course, endgame is not meant to be. The Darkling is a manipulative, controlling, toxic person, and should be nowhere near Alina if not on equal ground. I just wish they didn't put that much focus on it in the marketing (i.e. the extra clips distributed to media sources) to make it seem like darklina could happen, especially with the story changes the show was reportedly doing. Oh well, that’s what fanfiction is for. And I guess there’s a chance for redemption in the following season? *puts on clown nose*

MY QUESTIONS AND...WISHES?

So since the show has changed the story quite a bit from the books, I'm so stoked to see where the characters’ stories lead to. I’m sure there would be similarities to the books (Nikolai and Weylan would show up, for sure), but there would be a lot of changes, I'm sure (Alina’s a Saint now, so how would that affect her life on the run and her relationship with Mal? There’s no great reveal for Aleksander’s name, so perhaps he doesn’t die? At least not that way?).

- I wish we’d see more of that internal/thought connection the Darkling and Alina seemed to have. And I wish they’d highlight further the idea of balancing, of being the only two in the world, and of how each needs/complements the other in terms of power. I just really wish they’d explore more darklina, and perhaps have it open to have a darklina ending (I’m not holding my breath for that one at all, but hey, membership to clownverse is free). At the very least, would there be a change in the Darkling’s ending (does he get stuck in the tree)? Does he get a redemption arc? Would he utter the “I do not repent” line? Would Alina and him have the shared connection, I-can-see-you-even-if-you’re-far-away bond? Would Alina somehow forgive him (hopefully only if he has changed and is not controlling and toxic anymore)? Would Alina and him have a showdown as he tries to expand the fold and she tries to close it? He has command of even the volcra now, so what would that mean for Alina’s side? Does she get an army, too? Maybe there’d be creatures of light, too? Perhaps other animal amplifiers?

- Now that Mal and Alina have more or less confessed to each other and ended up together, what would be the next hurdle in their relationship? They can’t just stay static, after all, otherwise the story of their relationship won’t be a good narrative. Season 1 touched on Mal’s fear of the Grisha (with Alina literally asking him out loud), so perhaps as Alina’s powers grow, Mal’s discomfort with her powers would show more (I hope the show doesn’t make Alina do a Slip-into-the-Darkside trope, or at least not too much to the detriment of her agency and core characterization)? Or perhaps going from that conversation with the Darkling and Mal, when Aleksander seemed to have gotten under Mal’s skin when he pointed out that due to their immortality, Aleks and Alina are endgame: maybe Mal would have that rivalry with the Darkling again and, considering Alina’s kind of psychic bond to Aleks (if they add that in), would feel that Alina might choose the Darkling in the end? I just hope the characters aren’t reduced to stereotypes of 1-girl-2-guys-and-girl-can’t-choose love triangle. Even season 1 explicitly had Alina cut off ties with Mal first (because she mistakenly thought he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore since he’s not replying to her letters) before she went to the Darkling romantically.

- What’s next for the Crows? Would Inej eventually go to Sankta Alina? Perhaps the Ice Court heist is next for the Crows. Nikolai has to show up some time, right? How would that tie in with Alina’s storyline?

I have a lot of other questions on what happens to the characters and the overall story, and I'm really glad that the show has diverged from the books to an extent that a lot of things could be possible. I hope Season 2 does happen, and I hope it’s as good as Season 1, especially since COVID is still happening and filming and filming options are limited. If Season 2 does happen, I hope it gets release soon :P

[firesfelt]

hi hello ! i’m pace ( she/her ) and i have really horrible timing, as i need to go to bed like asap and also have a packed day tomorrow so can’t be on then either ( rip ) but i rlly wanted to get at least one thing posted before i go ! i’m in the gmt, and am just realising now while i think about intros that all my fcs ( for the moment ) have names beginning with ‘a’ ? inch resting. but i’ll hopefully be able to get intros up for my gals too asap & i rlly wanna do the tasks for everyone and get writing and just have a Hoot. this is the exact environment i need, u know ? exciting !!! anyway, lemme introduce my first character before i end up writing some rambled essay about,,, literally nothing.

( asami zdrenka, 26, demigirl, she/her/they/them ) EMIKA BLAKE was seen listening to HEARTBEAT BY SCOUTING FOR GIRLS on their way to TATTOO ARTIST. EM is known to be CREATIVE & STANDOFFISH.

➜ i always find emika’s personality hard to describe, but i think the best way to begin is ‘misunderstood’ ? she has good intentions, and a kind soul, but the social skills of a wet trout. she’s quiet, and reserved, and has a serious case of resting-grump-face, and it very much leads people to get the wrong sort of impression of her, through no fault of their own. the sarcasm doesn’t help, either. she’s very much a loner ( and therefore a pain in the arse to plot with ) but i always enjoy developing relationships of any kind with her and seeing how things unfold.

➜ obviously, her job has a very social side, and that’s the one thing she can manage. she has no problems communicating in a consultation, getting ideas out there, easing the nerves of an anxious first-timer, expressing herself and what could be best, but that’s often because she knows exactly what to do. she does it day in, day out, and can almost follow a script in a way. sit the same person she had the consult with down for six hours to actually have the tattoo done, and unless they make the effort to keep the conversation going, em has nothing. it’s not even that she doesn’t want to talk, either, she just struggles. and then when she does think of something to say, it can come out abrupt or abrasive, so it’s often best to just keep her mouth shut.

➜ is it obvious yet that emika’s autistic ? she has no idea of this, herself, but it’s canon, just undiagnosed. and it was, admittedly, unintentional. i’ve revamped em from a character from long ago, and the first time i played her, i didn’t set out for her to have autism, and then when i realised that she’s definitely, definitely autistic, everything made sense. it just never got picked up on at school for her, and her mother never paid enough attention to notice or care to do anything in terms of getting a diagnosis or trying to help, so it’s gone undetected. thus far, anyway, who knows ? that could be interesting.

➜ speaking of her mum, let’s talk upbringing. emika was actually born in brighton, england, to her mother, mayumi, and father, stephen. on account of him being a cheating bastard, their relationship fell apart when em was seven. stephen made an attempt with his daughter, but he was in and out of her life for the following five years. at aged twelve, she realised that he really wasn’t worth the effort it took to force a relationship with him, and told him where to stick it. three years later, mayumi would want to uproot to huntsville to follow the latest in a long line of boyfriends --- and stephen didn’t so much as protest. the relationship between mayumi and her canadian lover didn’t last ( here is where em would bitterly mutter ‘they never do’ ) but they never went home.

➜ growing up, she had two escapes: art, and books. she’d always been creative, and always been trouble. think drawing on the hallway walls in crayon at four, getting paint on the living room carpet while creating a ‘masterpiece’ at seven. aka, not trouble, just a kid being a kid, but w/e. try telling her mum that. it was easy to get lost in a drawing or a painting, and she found comfort in reading, too. she’s still a bookworm now, despite not having much free time.

➜ em works too hard. she adores her job, and doesn’t take a single day of it for granted, but she works too hard. there’s nothing she’d rather be doing, and it’s by her own choice, but her time isn’t filled with much else. she specialises in neotrad, but likes to dabble a little and expand her styles when she can. she’s so unbelievably grateful to be doing what she does, especially as it very easily could never have happened for her.

➜ with a home life that was rocky at best, em definitely struggled. as a teenager, she turned to alcohol, and long before she was even legally allowed to drink, she developed a dependency on it. even now, she’d never say she was an alcoholic, but she’d definitely admit that it was a problem, and steers clear from the stuff now. wanting nothing more than to become a tattoo artist was the motivation she needed to get sober, and she knows it very easily could’ve gone in the opposite direction. she got an apprenticeship in the end, and the rest is history.

➜ but ! she’s still young !!!! like super young !! i always like to pick a fc a couple of years younger than however old i’m playing her, because it’s kind of a thing that emika looks even younger than she is. but where a lot of asami’s resources are from a couple of years ago, i thought a year’s difference would do ! but em knows she’s young and still has so much room to learn, and she’s eager to. she just wants to get better and better.

➜ so as an individual who speaks to her mum as little as possible, has no other family in canada, and has very few friends ( if any ? ) who keeps emika company, i hear you ask ? why, it’s her two goldfish and  her chinese softshell turtle, of course. named fred, george, and dobby, respectively. she loves her tank full of friends far more than she’d ever care to admit. ideally, she’d love a dog, but doesn’t have the time to dedicate to caring for one, nor does she have the space. emika moved out at eighteen, the second she could scrape enough money together to do so, and moved into the tiniest box of an apartment, and hasn’t moved since. despite its size, she truly loves her little flat ---- and hates change.

➜ going forward, i’m open to,,, anything. with all three of my goblins, i’m really open to absolutely anything. including just vibing and seeing what happens, but i’m coming in really open and just wanting to Explore. i have an idea for a wc for em, which should be super interesting, but other than that, it’s all just vibes and goin with the flow !!

➜ i hate to wrap things up abruptly, but i really gotta go to bed lmao ( i should’ve written my intros out earlier, rip. isn’t hindsight amazing ? ) so just some things to note: when it comes to gender, em mostly idenifies as ‘ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ‘ and really just doesn’t think about it. she’s probably never talked to anyone about it, either, not properly/in depth. she doesn’t really think about it, and it doesn’t really,,,, matter ?? to her ?? it just sort of,,, Is. she/her absolutely flies with her, they/them is also appreciated, she really just,,, doesn’t mind. sexuality is one she did have a big crisis over ( and is it still ongoing ? kinda ) but eventually just decided that bi was the label that fit best so that’s what she goes with. she still,,, has no idea. and doesn’t know if it even matters. she split her life between brighton and huntsville, so it was never like she’d never be accepted, but it was all a big Internal Yikes for her.

➜ tldr: dog loving, artistic book enthusiast, who has more coffee in her system than blood and loves her job and her fish more than anything. a total pain in the arse, but a hard worker and bringer of sarcasm. and bitterness. but also bad jokes and gossip --- it’s easy to forget she’s there when she’s so quiet; she hears all kinds of shit.

➜ ooh ! one thing to note ! while em is obviously covered in tattoos, she doesn’t actually share any of asami’s irl ones, so pls keep that in mind ! and ignore in photos/gifs ! will have more details when i do her stats/first task, but for now i really have to go bed !! i’m v excited to be here though, ty for having me and i’ll be here properly soon <3

[ierohero]

hey sorry if this is intrusive but how did you realize you were a trans guy and not nonbinary? ive ided as nb for a while but now im really not sure about it ://

it was a couple different things that made me realize honestly,, a big part of it was when i came out to my parents and they started trying to use they/them for me and hearing it out loud from them all the time just didn’t feel right,,, like i had been using they/them online but that was so removed from the reality of my actual life that i didnt quite experience what it would feel like to really live that identity as recognized by the people around me and when that started to happen i realized that i was actually uncomfortable with it,, like my parents would tell their close friends ‘oh our kid is using they/them now just so u know’ and i would think to myself ‘i wish they hadn’t told them that, i wish they wouldn’t tell people that’ and then i was like hang on a second why is that my reaction,,, at first i thought it was just fear or internalized transphobia or something along those lines but the more people they told the stronger my conviction grew that i did not want to become known as a nonbinary person within our community,,, i still knew i definitely fucking wasn’t a girl so i was like,,, there’s still one option you haven’t considered homie,,, so that was a big part of it,,, another perhaps even bigger part of it had to do with thinking about my gender in relation to sexuality actually,, im bi and i realized that a good bit before i started to seriously question my gender but over time as i started to think about it more i realized that i was super uncomfortable referring to my attraction to women as gay,, even after i started iding as nonbinary and really could have called any attraction to anybody gay if i wanted to i found that although i really Really wanted to call my attraction to men gay i still felt like i wasn’t allowed to,, at the time i again thought it was internalized bullshit but after the fact i realized that i felt unable to insert myself into the idea of a situation like that because it still didn’t feel right,, me as a nonbinary person + a man was not the way i wanted to be gay if that makes sense,, i wanted it to be me a man + another man,,, before i realized that i really tried not to talk or think about my attraction to men that much because i felt so uncomfortable and conflicted in a way i couldn’t understand and couldn’t even name but once i had the thought “what if you were gay like That” literally just once out loud in my conscious mind i was like OH OK YEAH THATS IT ACTUALLY like i think the all consuming relief i felt at the thought that i could just be a gay dude was the thing that gave me absolute certainty about my gender honestly,,, like im still bi and i still like women but my attraction to them is way less tied into my gender identity if that makes sense,, so yeah it could be helpful for you to think about your gender in terms of how you are or want to be known/viewed by your real life community and in terms of how it relates to ur sexuality cuz those things helped me a lot,, ultimately tho just know its ok to be uncertain and take ur time and change ur mind and try different things out,, i hope this helps but it also might be something entirely different than anything i mentioned on here that gives you clarity, everybody’s experience with gender is different,, good luck out there, i’m rooting for you :))

[the-light-of-stars]

hi!!! I remember reading one of the tags on one of your posts about how white people are like always racist and that they need to constantly unlearn racism. That's a vague summary so sorry but in the tags you said there was something psychological to do with it? Can you explain that so I can use it to explain to others???

Hi anon!! First of all it’s great that you’re trying to learn more about stuff like this and want to help explain to others!!

Second: I am white, so I can’t draw the line at what is or isn’t racist and my opinion/ arguments shouldn’t be the focus here. Instead I’d suggest reading through some of the notes of the post you mentioned because some actual POC, who are affected by day to day racism, explained more about it there and I don’t won’t to speak over their voices. (Also the op isn’t by me I’ve just reblogged it, but idk if that’s what you meant).

However since you asked about a particular tag and I don’t want to leave you without an answer I’m going to explain what i meant with it - if I’m overstepping here though, please tell me cause I really don’t want that.

Ok so in the tag you’re talking about I mentioned that internalized racism , on a sociological basis (there’s probably psychological explanations about it as well but I’m not a psychologist) can be related to the term of the Habitus.

Habitus is an important term in sociology that in its most common understanding has been introduced by the sociologist Pierre Bourdieu.

To put it simply the Habitus is aspects of behavior that are 1. Usually unconscious and 2. Internalized through society and social standing. It’s not something someone was born with but something someone was born into.

Basically Bourdieu researched differences between social classes (and other social identifiers) and found out that members of specific groups didn’t just identify as members of their group because of objective criteria (for example wealth) but also because of their behavior - which, in many cases, the people didn’t even realize themselves - and that this is a phenomenon that happens not only in one aspect of societal structures but all of them (eg not just when it comes to class, but also to race, gender, orientation, etc etc.) and is something that is learned by exposure to the social circle you live in and also will stick with you your whole life, even if you can change parts of it.

(Because Bourdieu mainly researched different social classes and because I’ve only ever experienced xenophobic microaggressions but not racist ones in that sense, which means I lack the necessary understanding to talk about those in depth (also I’m white so it’s not my place to say what is and isn’t racism) I’ll use an example about classism instead)

For example: a rich person that has been born into wealth will never really know what it is like to be poor and what struggles poor people face. They can read all literature on class disparity in existence, and yet because they lack personal experience they will never truly know what it is like to be poor. So I’m all their actions, even if they try their best to not be classist, this lack of personal experience and the lack of understanding that comes with it will shine through in one way or another, usually unintentionally, because it is simply part of their ingrained behavioral structure. To them something can be completely innocuous and yet show their lack of understanding that’s been ingrained through growing up in the society they did in.

As an example: a rich person has a poor friend, who they care for dearly. One day when out and about together, the poor friend accidentally breaks their new phone and starts to panic about it. The rich friend tries to calm them down : “It’s ok please don’t cry, it’s just a phone - you can buy a new one!” . To them this statement shows their concern for their dear friend and is an attempt at calming them down by reassuring their friend and making them see the situation isn’t that bad and is fixable.

But instead of calming them down, this statement makes the friend cry even more. Because they can’t just buy a new phone, they don’t have the money. They’ve been saving up for this phone for months and now they have to cut edges all over again while also havibn to deal with not having a phone in a society where having one is pretty much a necessity. But the rich friend didn’t consider that - they couldn’t! Because in the life they live a 1000$ phone can be replaced at any moment, like you could replace a missing paper clip (I say, as if I haven’t panicked about this once as well cause I had to spend 2€ on a whole new pack of clips and couldn’t pay for my lunch that day because of that..). To the rich friend the situation registered only as a mild nuisance, but not as something worth crying or panicking over, because to them that’s what it is, which is why they acted accordingly.

They acted like they did because it’s the behavior and worldview they grew up with, and because it’s impossible for them to really understand the experience of someone who isn’t rich, because they’ve never had to experience it themselves and grew up in a society that was nothing but beneficial to them. So what they can do in the situation of the example, is apologizing for unintentionally upsetting their friend even more, educate themselves on why their friend reacted like that (eg learn about poor peoples situations through first hand accounts or scientific literature) ,work on themselves to ensure they won’t make the same mistake a second time, examine their behavior to see where it stems from and how to unlearn and help their friend , for example by offering to buy them a new phone (though they also have to accept it if the friend refuses their help or tells them it’s not their business.). And of course they also have to , at least try to, accept that what they did was wrong and that they aren’t exempt from making mistakes again in the future (because unlearning learnt behaviors takes a crap ton of work and won’t ever be fully possible, which is something that anyone who ever had a bad habit (-> which stems from the same root as the sociological term: the Latin word habitus , which has a lot of different meanings but literally translated to ‘something one has’) and tried to get rid of it knows.)

Bourdieu mainly focused his studies to the concept of Habitus on social class , but the concept is translatable to any other kind of socially learned behavior.

A straight person will always show homophobic behavior.

A cis person will always show transphobic behavior

A male person will always show misogynistic behavior. (Also before any terf tries to use this for their rhetoric: trans women face the same issues cis women face (as well as the added issues specific to trans people), because they are women and have to deal with misogyny as any other woman does. So don’t even try). (Edit: I first wrote ‘a cis male person will always show misogynistic behavior’ which is exactly the kind of unintentional mistake I’m talking about. Because writing it like this is already making a weird distinction between cis and trans men, and also implies trans men would be excempt from misogyny when they , just like any other men, aren’t either. Sorry for that!)

And, most importantly in the context of the op and your ask as well as the current situation, a white person will always show racist behavior.

No matter how hard a white person tries, no matter how much they educate themselves, listen to the voices of people in racial minorities (in this specific case black people), or how much they help - they can’t ever understand completely and can’t ever completely get rid of their internalized behavior , so with their Habitus they’ll always show their being privileged in a racist society.

Does this mean white people should just go ‘well if I can’t ever get rid of my internalized racism I don’t even have to try’ ? No. Because even if you always will keep making unintentional mistakes, it’s better to make those unintentional mistakes once, acknowledge them and try to avoid them in the future , than it is to make an unintentional mistake and then keep repeating it intentionally for the rest of your life simply because you couldn’t be bothered to try better.

Does this mean white people should be patting themselves on the back for trying to unlearn? Also no. Because for one like I said its impossible to ever truly unlearn every racist behavior, and two: trying to unlearn bad behavior isn’t some great feat, it’s basic decency. Just like in the example you wouldn’t call the rich friend a hero for trying not make their poor friend upset again, because that’s basic decency - of course they shouldn’t make their friend upset again that’s what being a friend is! So in a similar vein being an ally to Poc is trying your best to not harm anymore, and to acknowledge that even if you’re not doing it intentionally you’re hurting others with your behavior and help uphold a harmful system as long as you just ignore and profit from it.

As an example for this just read some of the replies on the op you mentioned: there’s dozens of white people applauding themselves for being ‘not at all racist’ or saying it’s impossible for them to be racist because their parents are voting for democrats or because they themselves are part of a different marginalized community (eg a woman, or part of the lgbt+ community). when that is just. Not the case. Because racism is a learnt behavior that can never get rid of completely. Because people don’t just learn behaviors from their parents but also from the rest of society (and even if they’d only learn from their parents they will also have internalised racist behaviors). Because being part of one marginalized group doesn’t mean you automatically have perfect understanding of the struggles of everyone else and this are now infallible (if that were the case then please explain how the leader of Germany’s most notorious right wing extremist party is a lesbian woman). Etc etc.

So, does this mean you should self flaggate over every little mistake? No of course not. You should realize your mistake, accept it and try to unlearn the behavior that led to it. Constant self punishment doesn’t help and might just make matters worse. And more than that by self flaggelating you will end up forcing others to pity you for being sad, instead of rightfully pointing out your mistake or investing energy to help or learn themselves - which is especially isnidious if the people that have to ‘cheer you up’ are poc themselves. It will also prevent people from pointing out your mistakes in the future because they’ll be worried you’d self hate for it again, making it even harder for yourself to unlearn bad behaviors. (also yes this point might be a bit hypocritical for me because I tend to apologize a dozen times to everyone for any small mistake no matter what the mistake was even about, but that’s something I try to work on bettering because oh wow is that a toxic behavior, no matter how understandable it might be)

So, lastly, what can you do? You can realize your mistake. Accept it. Learn what caused it and why it was harmful. Try your best to not make this or similar mistakes again. Understand and accept that you will inevitably make mistakes again. Understand that you’re not infallible. Understand that you live in and profit off of a harmful system. Listen to people from the affected communities and accept their opinions. Help where you can - even if it’s just by being a good friend. And don’t victimize yourself in the process.

I hope this made it a bit less vague and made my tag clear. Also again: I’m not infallible either and since I’m white i also might make hurtful mistakes, so if there’s anything wrong in this reply or if I’m overstepping with this please let me know so I can try to fix that. Also for the same reason take my opinions and explanations with a grain of salt and look up what people from the actually affected communities have said about this topic.

I hope this was coherent enough and I wish you (and everyone else who might still be reading at this point) a great day, Anon! (Also : if youre able to and want to help people who are actually affected by racism there’s many organizations and causes that currently need the help! )

[trans-advice]

Hey, for the past 5 or so years I have privately identified as nonbinary or not conforming to any gender, and even recently requested that my boss and coworkers use they/them pronouns. About a month ago I stumbled across a "gender critical" blog and started reading it. I know it's a bad idea to engage with trolls, especially when it will impact your sense of self, but I felt restless that my existence was being debated and wanted to hear the other side. Now I am feeling confused (1 o 2 asks)

I’m feeling confused and gross, wondering if all this time I have been actually working against my own feminist beliefs, or if I’m just being naive and getting indoctrinated. Like,I worry about me being a female who simply didn’t subscribe to gender stereotypes, tricking myself into thinking I"wasn’t like the other girls". I have also been wondering about what it means to identify into an oppressed group, and why we can’t talk about it without being dismissed as a dumb TERF. (1 o 2 asks) Thx

— Eve: CW: long post, possibly rambley, could’ve used better editing, transphobia, “gender critical”, recuperation, discussion of “terf” politics, recuperation of liberation movements, politics, oppression, rape culture, anti-fascist, anti-capitalist,

So basically I have tried for almost 4 weeks to write a response detailing this stuff. however it’s gotten too unwieldy. i tried to condense it, but this was as close as i got. it’s practically like 3 drafts back to back. I couldn’t figure out the differences & when i saw similarities it seemed significantly different enough. so I’m not editing any further. here’s a mindvomit. i wish i had this more polished but I can’t do that & i didn’t get a response.

however I’m going to make a history book recommendation, a referral to gendercensus2020, and i need to emphasize that these are much more like personal beliefs & not generally the tone of this blog which aims to give advice & positivity, while this is inherently political, the good bad & ugly. and there are trans people of various persuasions so I don’t want alienate them. i dissecting some ideologies that are transphobic, how they became that, how they got recuperated, and how you can find the same concerns being addressed. I’m answering this because it totally makes sense to me that this is asked in good faith & I want to respect your concerns & show that there are better methods of liberation activism that are trans affirmative, or at least must become & develop into such.

So I’m going to recommend the book “Transgender History (Second Edition)” by Susan Stryker, which I have put on our blog’s google drive account, so hence a link. It goes into the historic common ground between the feminists & LGBT+ peoples. It also gets into historic movements. And on top of that, the first chapter is literally a list of terminology deconstructing gender, which is also helpful for analyzing topics feminism analyzes..

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1IvCwNvCJ_EiDmOer4zS8SbFGz4m-WDJ1

another thing you need to know regarding the label lesbian back in the day is that it was a catchall for any woman who didn’t have sex with men. now granted, this was a cisnormative understanding, but basically lesbians included celibate women, asexual women, and of course bisexual women in addition to gay women.

basically the normal advice of wait til you have your own money to have sex, wait til your mid 20s, don’t rely on a man to pay your bills etc, all of this comes from political lesbianism, which was like be celibate or else have sex that doesn’t involve sperm. (granted, communities cannot be monoliths if they want to be ecosystems, like any movement label there are different interpretations made by members of it, and therefore there are some strands that uphold a homonormative appreciation for conversion therapy. perhaps a middle ground for understanding how that happened is that joke about macho sexuality purity “if a man masturbates with his hand, he’s using a man’s hand to get off, then it’s gay.” granted, there was of course a political/economic reason to this, but still, it seems in terms of history that this joke was considered actually legitimate.)

“lesbian” was a catchall for women who didn’t have sex with men. this included ace, celibate & gynephiliac women. part of the reason these communities were conflated again had to do with the economic pressures to get married which I’ll detail a few paragraphs from now. (while this next thought could be incorrect because I did just learn about ‘compulsory heterosexuality" a month ago, I think the vestiges of those economic pressures are basically the gist of “comphet”.) the goal of political lesbian as well as lesbian separatism was to build an economy/get money that didn’t require submission to patriarchy, via marriage, pregnancy etc. so basically in an effort to build like support networks, “men” were shunned as much as possible.

however these networks ended up replicating capitalism, (partly due to oppression against communes & other anti-capitalist activities) which then replicated the oppressions of capitalism. it makes sense that transphobia had formed of assimilation/respectability politics for such feminists. To quote from the criticism section of the Wikipedia article on the women’s liberation movement.

> The philosophy practised by liberationists assumed a global sisterhood of support working to eliminate inequality without acknowledging that women were not united; other factors, such as age, class, ethnicity, and opportunity (or lack thereof) created spheres wherein women’s interests diverged, and some women felt underrepresented by the WLM.[208] While many women gained an awareness of how sexism permeated their lives, they did not become radicalized and were uninterested in overthrowing society. They made changes in their lives to address their individual needs and social arrangements, but were unwilling to take action on issues that might threaten their socio-economic status.[209] Liberationist theory also failed to recognize a fundamental difference in fighting oppression. Combating sexism had an internal component, whereby one could change the basic power structures within family units and personal spheres to eliminate the inequality. Class struggle and the fight against racism are solely external challenges, requiring public action to eradicate inequality.[210] >

birth control helped to liberate women & that accommodation/handicap for reproductive health disabilities (disability is merely inability to do something that’s Normative. so if having a uterus, pregnancy/menstruation/having breasts etc aren’t considered normal, which is especially common in a patriarchal society for these examples, then it’s disability.) It should be said that due to the desire for bodily autonomy to regulate our own body parts, as well as a desire to manage our fertility & sterilization, the transgender movement has a lot in common with feminism’s female-as-disability movement.)

it should also be noted that before the medical transitioning became accessible that us trans people relied a lot more on social transitioning than medical transitioning. it should also be mentioned that the medical procedures are available & used by cisgender people too.

that being said, since both cis females & transgender women were denied birth control etc, there was a very intense fear of impregnation happening & trans women going back in the closet not only to get money under patriarchy but also because life raising a kid is hard. like if you’ve ever seen “the stepford wives” & look at how the ally husband betrays his feminist wife, then that should clue us into how a lack of birth control scared us.

the problem with the school of feminism that emphasizes physiological sex over gender identity (in order to deny the existence of trans people with female-organs or not) is that it doesn’t account for birth control & how that’s affected the landscape, the economy etc, the revolutionary impact of birth control basically. it also ignores that trans people & cis women feminists have the same goals when it comes to getting freedoms about reproductive rights & bodily autonomy. therefore it ends up being transphobic & wanting to run back into the times when we didn’t have abortion access because they want to hurt us.

That being said though, we need to have birth control & more in order to help liberate trans people too, so if somewhere doesn’t have birth control, then we’re not doing well either because it’d pay a lot more to be transphobic (which of course it doesn’t now when we have birth control & various medical & other technologies). i think what I’m trying to say is that similar to disability accomodations clashing with each other, if we of the women’s liberation, the trans liberation, and the gay & lesbian liberation, and the bisexual & ace liberation get stranded then we’re all doomed. granted we might be doing that due to defensiveness with hostility similar to how in the 1980s feminism got very conservative in USA & how some transgender people get spared in systems with strict gender conformity & anticolonialist values, it’d be wrong to say that all our liberations are in conflict with each other. they can be mishandled, but ultimately, safety still tends to favor cisheteropatriarchal people. internalized patriarchal thinking is like internalized queerphobia, and so forth.

I want to emphasize that it is relatively easy for transgender people especially nonbinary people to find gender critical discourse somewhat appealing. Here’s why: TERFs & Gender Critical discourse is agender-normative disability discourse regarding reproductive health & other AFAB organs. (a disability is being unable to do things that society considers normative. so if you can’t drive & your locale de facto requires it, then that’s a disability. also in usa you’ll find that pregnancy & disability are the main things welfare programs prioritize. a pregnancy can be harmful, but can be easier with the right monitoring etc. which again is the same with disability.)

the problem though is that they then insist on misgendering you as one of the binary genders based on objectification of your body (specifically, “morphology”). point being, because you feel dysphoric over being misgendered as something nonbinary as being mislabeled as cisgender, this implies that you are indeed transgender.

https://gendercensus.com/post/612238605773111296/the-gender-census-2020-is-now-open

—

Now to be clear, there are historical economic considerations that made the decisions to specialize on the intersectionality of cisgender AFABs, but the economy & technology has changed. Basically marriage back in the day was economically necessary because there was effectively no birth control available. Therefore, to get child support etc, required getting the father to pay the consequences. However, marriage was very much a chattel property institution, marital rape was still legal, and women couldn’t get credit etc in our own names.

#

At the same time, similar to birth control being unavailable, hormones & other procedures for medically transitioning trans people were unavailable as well, which meant social transitioning & wardrobe etc were the main methods of affirming our gender. however, we sometimes got lucky & had a doctor write us a note affirming our gender & sometimes we got even luckier & govts accepted this. this however required getting labelled sick & begging doctors to give us treatment & getting money for this since insurance companies etc still discriminated against transgender people even when we agreed to have our gender identity situation labelled as sick & medically necessary. (similarly insurance companies still refuse to cover abortions & so do some doctors & hospitals.)

#

So this meant that AFABs were concerned about getting hijacked via impregnation. Because of the patriarchal economics of the whole thing, people were afraid of “the stepford wives” repeating itself in their own lives, where the mind can only handle what the ass can stand would mean trans women would go back into the closet.

#

Granted, that’s a bit misrepresentative of trans women & trans people because trans people & cis women who can get pregnant do have a lot more in common. we take the same meds, go to the same clinics, menopause etc gets taken due to distress over how our bodies work, etc. then again, how would trans AMAB people have gotten the money for child support?

#

historically & still to this day we basically had to beg doctors for the ability to get hormones to get a surgery to get a gender marker change & so on, which granted, what we trans people had available to us varied from locale to locale because it required collaborations of trans people, doctors, and the local govts & especially their police stations. again, before roe v wade abortion providers were super underground & secretive & there were specialized units at police stations for hunting down patients & providers under the charge of “murder”. it’s the same dynamics.

#

seriously trans people & people with bodies that can get pregnant, menstruate, menopause, etc, we go to the same clinics! women’s health clinics take trans patients, planned parenthood takes trans patients, do i need to go any further on how trans people & feminists have the same interests regarding reproductive health?

—

as for political lesbianism:

basically the normal advice of wait til you have your own money before having sex, wait til your mid 20s, don’t rely on a man to pay your bills etc, all of this comes from political lesbianism, which was like be celibate or else have sex that doesn’t involve sperm. (i’m not sure what the conditions were like surrounding not piv sex among the straights, and therefore what the likelihood of avoiding piv sex was. I do know that rape culture was much more heavily normalized than it is now.)

“Lesbian” was a catchall for women who didn’t have sex with men. this included: - ace, - celibate - bisexual - gay women. Part of the reason these communities were conflated again had to do with the economic pressures to get married, (while this next statement could be incorrect because i did just learn about ‘compulsory heterosexuality" a month ago, i think the vestiges of those economic pressures such as weddings are basically the gist of “comphet”.)

The goal of Political Lesbianism as well as Lesbian Separatism was to build an economy that didn’t require submission to patriarchy, such as that of marriage, pregnancy etc. In efforts to build like support networks, “men” were shunned as much as possible.

However these networks, (partly due to lacking radicalization) ended up replicating capitalism, (partly due to oppression against communes & other anti-capitalist activities) which then replicated the oppressions of capitalism. It makes sense that transphobia had formed of assimilation/respectability politics for such feminists. To quote from the criticism section of the Wikipedia article on the women’s liberation movement.

> “The philosophy practised by liberationists assumed a global sisterhood of support working to eliminate inequality without acknowledging that women were not united; other factors, such as age, class, ethnicity, and opportunity (or lack thereof) created spheres wherein women’s interests diverged, and some women felt underrepresented by the WLM.[208] While many women gained an awareness of how sexism permeated their lives, they did not become radicalized and were uninterested in overthrowing society. They made changes in their lives to address their individual needs and social arrangements, but were unwilling to take action on issues that might threaten their socio-economic status.[209] Liberationist theory also failed to recognize a fundamental difference in fighting oppression. Combating sexism had an internal component, whereby one could change the basic power structures within family units and personal spheres to eliminate the inequality. Class struggle and the fight against racism are solely external challenges, requiring public action to eradicate inequality.[210]”