#instant gratification is the worst thing to happen to me personally

[maxlarens]

woo cleaned out my closet/clothes drawers AND bought a bunch of clothes 🎉👏

[velnna]

Dude (not trying to be passive aggressive I promise) I love Staeve with all my soul, I think he is very interesting, but the fact remains that he is always joined at the hip by Astarion or the rest of the BG3 cast, he has so much potential and it’s being limited by that, he is an original character but we know nothing about his origins except the classic ‘he spawned in the game’ and personally I would love to know more about him, where does he fit in your original works, etc

(If this posted twice I apologize bc my WiFi lagged and the worst possible moment )

Welllll I think it's more that I "tunnel vision" post a lot, not just with Staeve but with a lot of OCs. I zero in on a theme or a relationship and doodle a lot for it even if in the background that isn't even a super big part of their story or the work they're inserted in.

I also never make character sheets or anything like that (staeve having one is actually the exception) because 99% of the characters I draw are included in a wider story that I'm either actively working on as a comic or plan to turn into something of the sort at some point. It's sadly a slow process and every other bit of art you see out there is just instant gratification to keep me sane while doing it 🥲

As for Staeve in particular, two things: one, I'm not super good at this fanart thing. My attention span for worlds that don't spawn in my head is super limited so all I have of him within the BG3 universe is precisely a vague backstory and his interactions with the companions, and then shit I sorta half make up because I don't want to get super deep into lore I didn't create. Second, he does have a more fleshed out story I can elaborate on within the universe of my comic The Under Garden, but once again I'm not a fan of describing what's happening in my illustrations or the context at a large unless the post is specifically answering a question, so it's all.. vague for now. I haven't even decided fully if I want him to have horns in that setting or not lmao

So yeah you gotta take my posts with a grain of salt and trust that there's more to them, I'm just not good at giving them a lot of backing 😅 also sorry for the walls of text I'm a yapper through and through

[skylinesnsunshines]

hector bellerin reading: personality

hi everyone! today i'll be doing a reading on the ever amazing hector bellerin <3 fun fact I've followed hector for more than 10 years now and he's easily one of my favourite players ever as i love the message that he sends off the pitch. truly a trailblazer and i'm honoured to do this reading today <3 hope u enjoy!

dividers | personal readings | tips

queen of cups rx, knight of pentacles, 6 of wands rx, knight of swords | storyteller | jupiter: grow and expand | cobra

immediately the thing i noticed from his spread is how well-balanced he is, as we have a card from every suit as 3 of them are queens and knights. hector seems to navigate life through his emotions and ideas and seems to be a more cerebral type of person, but there is a grounded energy that we can see from the knight of pentacles. sometimes he might feel that he pursues his decisions from more of a cerebral aspect than an emotional one, and it can clash and make him feel unsure about his decision. when he feels something, he feels it strongly and he seems to be the type to always look for a meaning when it comes to life. he might be someone who collects things that activate his feelings of nostalgia, or keepsakes that he can look back to whenever he feels lost. it feels like he takes a long time when it comes to making decisions, and he weighs every advantage/disadvantage that could happen not only to him but to those closest to him as well. one of hector's strengths lies in his mental resilience as well as his ability to communicate. i feel that he has a great ability to use words to encompass how he feels and communicate that to others. with the knight of pentacles and swords being together, i feel that he is much more strategic and aware than people think he is. there's a balance of being able to create ideas and make them tangible through his work ethic. although he is a leo mars, i STRONGLY feel that he has to have his mars in an earth house (my intuition says his 6th which would mean he's a pisces rising). i'd also like to point out that although he has a brilliant mind, he might sometimes be in his head more often than he'd like to admit and is his own worst critic. i see that his level of awareness and depth of himself is so high, that he can get into his own head to psych himself out. i'm hearing the phrase "dust himself off" which tells me that no matter the setback, he can be reborn and come out the other side with more knowledge. with the knight of pentacles as well, he could be a "bigger picture" type of person and likes focusing on longevity instead of instant gratification. i also feel that he's the type of person who feels more accomplished when he's struggled for something there's not a better feeling for him when he reaches a goal that he has worked on for months or years. i also feel that sometimes people overlook his work ethic as most things seem to come naturally for him, but this isn't the case and can make him frustrated at times. he understands and values work ethic but is never the type to yell "acknowledge me" as he doesn't believe in needing to constantly be reminded of what he needs/doesn't nee to do.

If you've watched any interview or podcast featuring hector you can hear how well-spoken he is and how well he tells stories which perfectly embodies the storyteller card. this card describes someone who can experience and express life through stories and symbols, in hector's case i feel it describes how open he is with his story and how he wants to teach others the knowledge that he was given. one thing that i've observed from hector is how eloquent he is without being overly scripted. in an interview, he said that he speaks his mind and doesn't overly think when someone asks him a question. this can be attributed to his pisces mercury which is often described as a creative storyteller. jupiterian mercuries are known to lack a filter and speak the first thing that comes to their mind, while this isn't always advantageous (as a sag mercury i can attest to this), there's an endearing aspect to it as it can make the individual more authentic to listen to. with the jupiter card as well, it doesn't surprise me that hector did very well outside his home country. since sagittarius/pisces are mutables, they often find it easier to adapt and pick up aspects of their environment so it doesn't surprise me when people are shocked about his accent or ability to express himself fluently in a language that isn't native to him. the cobra cards indicate someone who is in tune with their spirituality and sees themselves as a guardian/teacher. the characterisation of the cobra also describes how the cobra is an eternal student in life as they navigate their experiences with humility. they're often looked to as an advisor and have wells of knowledge from their experiences to teach others. in this context, i also feel that it's likely that hector enjoys studying and learning new things. it doesn't have to be exclusively academic though, as this can describe exposing yourself to different experiences where you can learn. the jupiter card for this pisces man, how fitting LMFAO. i love when cards reinforce the same message as the jupiter and cobra card perfectly reinforces hector's archetype from his natal chart. i suspect he's a pisces rising (with his sun in his first house which explains his sag jupiter as his ruler) BUT i can also see him as an aqua rising. although it's obvious we will never get to see hector's true character, i can confidently say he seems like such an authentic person and it makes sense to me why his presence was so polarising in the premier league. sometimes people find jupiterian characters intimidating as they don't let the perceptions of others define their goals or aspirations. hector has been open about the hate he's received for not adhering to the typical "footballer" archetype, yet he still continues to pursue ideas and experiences that fulfil himself on a deeper level. it makes sense as to why hector's often looked as a trailblazer or an innovator in football, and how he managed to break so many of those barriers down by being himself. i feel that this is further emphasised by his aquarius venus, as he often describes his aesthetic as eccentric and he isn't afraid to stand out. jupiterians are also known to pursue multiple avenues when it comes to their career and doesn't stick to just one idea/industry. him being a footballer with an interest in fashion and activism doesn't surprise me, mainly because jupiter is also known to be a jack of all trades. hector will forever hold a special place in my heart, probably because i grew up with him and watched him bloom into the person he is today. although i don't keep up with football as much as i used to, hector's character will always be someone i aspire to be but also see parts of myself in. what he stands for as a footballer, but more importantly, as a person is incredible and i hope he continues to flourish.

that is all! if you have any feedback, comments, queries or requests please don’t hesitate to reach out to me my ask box is always open. sending you all love, light, positivity and abundance <3 much love

[dovelydraws]

Im no creator or anything, but that last part you wrote about how the internet is becoming a lonely place…i kinda feel that. Most likely not in the same sense you do, but everywhere the release of new and newer stuff and media is on the forefront, AI is rising and making the release even faster (at the cost of quality most of the time) and it‘s just…there‘s no appreciation anymore? Nobody stops to listen or see or engage with stuff because newer music or art or anything really is coming out and everyone wants to keep up. Communities or fanbases become short lived and that‘s for the huge pieces, and the smaller ones kinda seem to just…fall behind and are forgotten

Engagement also seems to have become somewhat precarious. That‘s solely an opinion of mine, but whenever I hear what creators have to deal with due to the animosity made possible by the internet…it‘s just sad. And as such, I for one don‘t want to bother anyone and so I feel like not wanting to say the wrong thing and in the worst scenario cost an artist some motivation or joy (yes, Im aware, me sending an ask anonymously is a bit ironic, but that‘s mostly my anxiety peaking)

Yeah, I totally agree about everything going way too fast. Over the last few years I REALLY began hating the binge-format brought on by streaming services, ever since I noticed how quickly communities die out after new shows air because of it. I remember a lot of people complaining when certain ones like hbomax and disneyplus decided to release their shows weekly instead of all at once, but I actually felt relieved and excited by the idea, because it meant we'd all actually have time to digest and truly appreciate what we were seeing and have actual discussions around it like we used to.

It's why I describe the feeling I get when people simply leave a quick "like" on my art without actual engagement with me and my work as "consumption." I don't fault people for doing it on occasion, I get sometimes we just like what we see and don't have much to say about it and that's that, I certainly do the same thing sometimes. But when it's constantly the only form of recognition I'm getting, it really starts to feel like I'm not being seen as a person behind the screen, that my work was churned out for instant individual gratification with no extra thought behind it.

This feeling started to get really, really bad with the rottmnt fandom in particular actually, which is why I swore off making any more fanart for it. Seeing several strangers discover me, spam-like through my blog on all my fanart posts, ignore everything else, no reblogs, no comments, and not even follow me afterwards, it really began to leave a bad taste in my mouth and made me super uncomfortable. It was happening literally every day for months at one point, after the movie came out. It made me feel like a content mill, and I very nearly deleted every single one of my fanart posts because of it. I'm hesitant to jump into making fanart for any other fandoms now too, because I don't want that to happen again.

As for what you said about the way people treat artists making you nervous to engage yourself, in worry that you'll bother them or make it worse- tbh, I think your recognition of that makes it even more important for you to say what you want to say? Art is a form of communication. Artists are looking for community, when we share our work to the world. We're always bound to not be understood or treated fairly, when you open yourself up like that. Whether that's feeling hated, or ignored, or disrespected, I think every positive comment left by someone who enjoyed what they saw helps to drown out those bad experiences. It's all we're ever looking for, to know that our effort meant something to someone.

I totally get where you're coming from with your anxiety, but I truly think you could only do more good than harm by letting someone know that you liked something they put a lot of love and effort into creating. I always reblog art that I like over on my personal blog, and I try to leave little comments in the tags whenever my brain's not totally fried after an 8 hour shift at my job, lol. It doesn't even need to be anything specific! I try to do that for people when I can because I know how happy it makes me feel when someone else does that for me. :)

[baku-usagi]

I found DA: Origins a hard game to get into. I hate the “when does it get good” sentiment but, is there a point where it really picks up, or am I just impatient?

Oh man thank you for this ask anon I love the opertunities to talk about this game more. I guess it just depends on what you're looking for? Personally for me it was really good from the jump, I know a lot of people think it picks up better after the battle at ostagar. The game could certainly use a remake for the clunky aspects of game play that make certain story elements drag between eachother, but the actual Relationships you get to cultivate with these characters through out, and the importance you as the pc feel are unmatched. The relationships develop slower and more naturally I think.

I feel like a lot of modern games run on instant gratification, origins wasn't really one of those games, it did take time. And build up to truly feel gratified at what you'd completed, but for me every step of the way was fun.

I also personally play as a mage more then not and I love love love the power you feel as you level Up. All three games wave around this idea that mages are terrifyingly strong, but only origins really gave me that satisfaction.

There is a scene in later game, where you're pretty much meant to lose the fight and go to jail, a jail break ensues and honestly it's super fun, but you can actually beat this fight.

It's one of the hardest Fights in game since you're getting swarmed and are meant to go down, I think I had strategy mode open the whole time just about But I was able to unleash massive hurricanes of fire and Ice and cause earth quakes and I beat this very unbeatable fight with my mage. It was so fun and I haven't enjoyed playing a mage even half as much in DA two or inquisition.

At the end of the day I'll be 100% honest, dragon age origin is unfortunately locked by the graphics and game play of its time, which are slow. I personally enjoyed those things, I enjoyed the slow build and the working hard for every level and getting to strategize. I loved the organic relationship, I cried harder then I've ever cried over a video game by the end when you're preparing for your last battle and all of your companions tell you how much you mean to them, because at that point, with the hours put in, and the attempts at their approval which was much harder to get but much more rewarding, they truly meant something to me to.

In a point of loneliness in life, I had friends in these little lines of code, friends who'd seen the worst of things with me, who'd protected me.

If you become. Good enough friends with sten during end game he tried to pull you to safety from a necessary cut scene, and has to be held back by other npcs,

But I know the clunky slow movement, and the auto firing your basic attacks and what not can get boring or just not satisfying for many.

The codex, the puzzles, the almost human feeling of the enemies you fight including many demons you actually get to have conversations with rather then just murder on spot are some things that make this game feel so much more real.

There aren't any heart shaped dialog wheel options or red purple or Blue, you just say what you authentically mean

You can play with empathy, with anger, with diplomacy but you can also play in between.

And sometimes that diplomatic statement ends up doubling as a flirt,

Or that sarcastic remark wins the heart of Alistair.

The companions will actually pursue you of there own accord if you've gotten enough approval from them, and flirted enough.

The enemies, even the demons, house a feeling of Nuance, where you can almost sympathize at times. Everything makes sense and is congruent and tied in to itselve. Your companions cut in more on conversations you have with just about anyone, they're so full of life and personality and not just waiting for you to make something happen. You can also talk to your companions anywhere and not just at camp, I super miss that.

You have a dog after the battle at ostagar! He's loyal and he loves you and you can have your companions interact with him

My dog actually just passed about two and a half weeks ago now. And he always looked like the mabari hound dog in origins to me. I have a save file floating around with my Grey wardens dog being named nek after my dog. Last living nek there is now! So it's a bit sentimental to me too!

Anyway, I completely wouldn't hold it against you if you cant get Through the game, I would urge you to try, take it slow, don't expect gratification to be quick but know that it's worth it, learn and use strategy mode! It's a role play so make up little canons for your character and what their past was, build off the story you've been given, it's a power fantasy for me, you get to come up from whatever back ground and be something, you get to do something good.

Worst case, maybe watch someone play through the full game so you an still get the organic lore and characters feel without the frustration of being behind the controls!

Sorry for the long answer this game just means so much to me I could go for house and many many pages haha

[cleliacleliadatura]

Things My Younger Self Would Have Screamed...

*On the topic of breakups*

When I knew in my heart I met someone my soul was supposed to meet (only to be met with heartbreak later on) I rushed in because I felt it was destiny. Perhaps the words of a hopeless romantic, a fool or someone longing to hear the language of her mother's culture spoken to her, even if she could not return with much agility or elegance. In the process, I hurt someone who was kind to me, but I didn't take the fool's way out. Instead of sending a one line text like "hey its over" I drove up there (two hours north) and told him to his face, as he held out flowers for me which made it even more heartbreaking, that I needed to break up with him before "accidentally cheating" on him for this new love interest. A tactic many rely on just to cave in to the immediacy of the moment. I dreaded facing this situation and my heart sank, because I loved him too, but the person waiting for me on the other side of that sad day convinced me on a deep level that we needed to be together.

Cheating is such a toxic behavior, it does happen, but I always wonder with serial cheaters-why not just communicate this need? So much heartache could be prevented. Easier said than done....

The timing was so unfortunate...I hated that I had to hurt someone I cared about in order to align myself with someone who nurtured a part of my soul that felt numb. Dead in the wake of teenage years saturated in forgotten friendships and gas station mad dog.

Even at the age of 20 I had better instincts, manners and consideration for others than some humanoids walking the scourge of this earth at the not so tender age of 40+.

Cue a few years ahead and I've found similar situations, in my own life and in others.

Is it really that hard for adults over the age of 18 to have the actual cajones to break up with someone to their face? To give the decency of more than a brusque phone call they have to get out of the way as their "new" (or old) honey is breathlessly waiting right beside them for the wretched conversation to be over?

I can understand with dating apps its different, sometimes you meet someone, you have a great vibe but you're not ready to invest in a relationship.

However, when it crosses weeks of knowing someone, going to their house, meeting their family, sharing intimate details of your life and conversations (perhaps due to one too many glasses of wine), it seems pretty rotten and cowardly for someone to either 1) ghost someone or 2) break it off the cowardly way aka a shitty text or 45 second phone call, that even a 7th grader could pull off with more finesse, dignity and respect.

The worst one is ghosting. It's so completely rude and avoidable. I truly believe people who do this get a weird power trip from it, its a way to do onto someone else what someone important in their life did to them. They don't have the respect to honor or acknowledge how much they benefitted, mutually, from spending time with you and enjoying the various aspects of that time together.

Instead, as apropro for the instant gratification culture of today, something better gets along or they can't handle the depth or breadth and just nix it with about as much etiquette as a cow rod in a factory where Temple Grandin didn't get involved in time with her humane cattle slaughtering methods.

Weird example, but I thought it would drive the point home since a lot of readers have secret obsessions with gory shows like the Walking Dead and other stuff to do with brains, guts and glory.

It starts off like this for some, and ends like:

Cold hearted and over it.

There is no excuse for rude behaviors with dating and sex, and unfortunately so many people today have ridden the wave of the new age so completely and wholeheartedly that they've embraced being a total jackass with zero heart, who only think of their next pursuit, their next score and their next in the moment good time-regardless of who they plow through to get there....

Is it really that hard to ask for a text that is at least a paragraph long, or perhaps a phone call, maybe even meeting somewhere in person for a 30 minute talk? I guess that's too old fashioned.

At least with the text you can use ChatGPT to craft something remotely resembling a polite and caring attitude.

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Do you have any autistic Scout headcanons? :P

Hell yeah!

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. A lot of people might think that Scout has ADHD, but I think he either has both ADHD and autism or just autism.

This is both because labeling Scout as having just ADHD is kind of a low-hanging fruit, and I also want to explore his symptoms a little more. So, in a word, I do, and thank you for asking about them!

*****************

Scout’s Spectrum:

So, where exactly does Scout fall on the autism spectrum?

First of all, he probably has both ADHD and autism, but wasn’t diagnosed with the latter until much later. This means that some of his symptoms were taken into account, but not all.

The ones that were paid attention to ramped up out of control, and the ones he didn’t hear about were stuffed away.

His ADHD symptoms include impulsiveness, need for stimulation, hyperfixations, forgetfulness, and insomnia; his autism symptoms include trouble with social skills, stimming, near inability to remember names and faces, lack of eye contact, hyperfixations again, and sensory processing issues, especially with noise and touch.

He used to have a lot of meltdowns when he was younger, usually about wearing new clothes and the amount of noise his eight brothers generated.

However, he was teased and pushed into masking nearly all the time, and made his whole personality about his ADHD, since that was what everyone accepted.

As he got older, he usually wrote off any autistic tendencies as either his ADHD or just “little habits” of his.

During his middle school years, he used energy drinks to bounce back from being exhausted every day after school. This would work, except those energy drinks would upset his ADHD, and would make it much harder to focus on even basic conversation.

After a while, he got such bad grades and had such a hard time making friends that Scout just stopped going to school altogether.

Baseball helped his focus, and the quick movement and thinking made a lot of sense to him. He never had to wait very long for the next development, and the instant gratification and community it provided supplemented what he never got at school.

With sports on his side, he rarely ever drank any energy drinks (the coach would never let them on the field), and he drank bucketfuls of water during every meet and game. Those teenage years were probably the healthiest he ever was.

However, with the amount of rumbles he got into with his brothers, and the turf wars that constantly raged in those neighborhoods, it was only a matter of time before his crime caught up with him.

After his first incarceration, he was booted from the team, which led to a downward spiral of unhealthy coping mechanisms - which included fighting someone tooth and nail whenever he could.

Even if he lost the fight, it not only catered to his impulsive nature and impatience, but also gave him roughly the same sense of friendship and camaraderie that baseball had.

One thing led to another, and by the time Mann Co. found him, Scout was a monster in hand to hand (and bat to bat) and had racked up quite the criminal record.

A perfect mercenary, ripe for the picking.

On The Team:

Scout very quickly adopted the “stupid, scrappy Boston boy” persona.

It was the only thing that made sense, and it kept him from having to try too hard in both the battlefield and socially.

Besides, that meant that he could be as silly, forgetful, and fidgety as he wanted, and no one would bat an eye.

And if he ever needed to take a break from the team, he figured everyone would appreciate the quiet.

The only thing that ever gave him away was him occasionally dissociating right when battle began, especially if the day had been stressful.

It was usually how he calmed down after a fight when he was young, but now he sometimes slid into that state when he was overwhelmed.

However, a yell from one of his teammates would usually snap him out of it.

Medic noticed this pretty early on, and wanted to look more into it, but Scout would keep making excuses not to get a mental examination.

He would blame it on zoning out, being tired, drinking too many Bonks - whatever it took for people to stop asking.

And, eventually, they did.

Even Medic stopped asking after a while - he couldn’t get a thing out of Scout.

This “try so little that when you do try it’s above average” charade worked for a long time. In fact, it went on for so long that Scout forgot how much he was actually capable of.

He began to internalize the stupidity, the exacerbation, the many comments on how dumb he was, everything.

The only time he ever gave his all was on the battlefield - moving fast, memorizing strategies, doing complicated footwork, knowing exactly how much force it took to crush someone’s skull with his bat.

That was one of the only things that he felt good doing, the only thing he could really work on without him being “found out.”

That and drawing, though he never showed the actual pieces to anyone. It was all stick figures and crooked lines with everyone else.

Sometimes, though, Scout wouldn’t be paying attention and he’d let something slip.

One time, Engineer was looking for his screwdriver, and couldn’t seem to find it anywhere.

Scout, not looking up from his comic, said, “Under the couch cushion, hard hat.”

Engineer bent down and reached into the couch, and his hand came back with his red and yellow striped screwdriver.

“Well I’ll be damned…”

At first Engineer thought Scout had just hid it, but Scout explained, still not paying attention:

“Last time we went out on th’ field, you had it on your belt, like always. But I was walkin’ by your workshop, you were usin’ a quarter to tighten a screw or somethin’. Your screwdriver had to be somewhere between the battlefield and your workshop. Engie, you’re like freakin’ clockwork. Every day, after a fight, you go to the kitchen, get a water, go to that couch, between the second and third cushion from the left, and sit there. Then ya go back to the fridge to get lunch and a beer, and ya go to your workshop until somebody needs you for somethin’. Your back loop in your tool belt is looser than all the others, ‘cause the screwdriver pulls against it when you sit down. The shank was probably in between the two cushions, and when you got up, it fell in. Demo, Pyro, and Heavy all sit on the second or third cushion at some point, so it got shimmied down. And since that’s the only time you sat down, ‘cause you woulda heard it if it dropped on the floor, and I…uh…”

“I’ll be damned,” Engie repeated, and felt the back tool belt loop. It was indeed loose.

Scout finally looked up, and realized what had happened.

“Uh, uh - l-lucky guess, huh Engie?”

Engineer squinted behind his goggles. “Yeah…real lucky…”

What ensued was Engie trying to get Scout to turn into a B.L.U Spy by chasing him around with his wrench. After a few good hits, though, Engineer saw that it was the teammate he knew and loved.

“But…how didja…?”

Scout threw his hand up, the other rubbing the back of his head where he’d been hit.

“I toldja Engie! Lucky guess! Jesus!”

Ever since then, Scout chose his words more carefully.

The Breakdown:

But, unfortunately, Scout could not pretend forever.

There was one week where Scout’s assignment count was so high that, if he wasn’t in a fight, he was on a mission.

Usually, Pauling wouldn’t trust him with so much, but no one else was available - or willing - to do the jobs.

Even when she was getting concerned about the amount of hours Scout was putting in, he blew it off.

“It’s no sweat, Miss Pauling! Their practically givin’ me the pay day. Those yahoos don’t know who they’re messin’ with.”

Over time, though, Scout had a harder and harder time staying focused and alert.

He’d sleep through alarms, stare off into space, zone out completely during briefing (not that he didn’t already do that), have a hard time hearing people in battle - even through his headset - ignore Spy’s taunts, and even forget to bring his bat onto the field.

Nothing seemed to help - Bonk!, warming up, stretching, cold showers, setting reminders, nothing.

And the team was starting to notice.

At first it was with the regular frustration - maybe Scout was just being lazy.

But as time went on, and his condition grew worse, their scorn turned into worry. They implored Medic to do something, but he had no way of getting through to Scout.

The doctor wasn’t above simply sedating him and dragging him into his lab for a check-up. However, he had a feeling that this was more than a physical issue.

The worst came when Scout was doing a routine battle with the B.L.U team on the field.

Everything had started out okay - he even remembered to bring his bad this time - but suddenly, everything was ear-splittingly loud.

He couldn’t focus on more than one sound at once, much less communicate the best course of action to his teammates.

He ended up hiding in a dilapidated shed, in a dusty, dark corner, somewhere between zoning out and panicking.

Scout’s head was in his knees, he was shaking, close to crying, when a sudden splitting of wood roused him.

A B.L.U Soldier had kicked his way into the shed, either having heard Scout or to hide from the other team.

Scout was stunned at first, but something of a blind terror filled him. He picked up his bat, screamed, and started pummeling the surprised Soldier.

At some point, he threw aside his bat and began to swing punch after punch, just like he did in his gang days when he had felt overwhelmed. Still screaming. Still crying.

By the time Scout had dissolved into a rocking, sobbing mess, the Soldier was long dead, with a gigantic pool of blood staining Scout’s shoes.

No one even knew where Scout was until a few hours later, when Spy heard a faint note of “Sexbomb” coming from Scout’s Walkman.

Scout had crawled into the shed’s framework, between the outer and inner wall, and was playing a specific verse over and over and over again, looking like he was on another plane of existence.

Spy immediately called for Medic, who had to lift Scout out by the underarms through a jagged hole in the side of the building. By then, the fight was over, so they could take him directly to the lab.

Medic’s Evaluation:

“I’m guessing zhis is your first mental breakdown?”

“Mental…doc, I ain’t crazy. Wait, you’re not goin’ to put me in a straight jacket, are ya?”

“If you’re not doing anyzhing later.”

Medic started to laugh, but quickly realized this might not be the time.

“No, Scout, everyvun has a mental breakdown at least vunce in their lives. It’s a…how do you say…a vake-up call of sorts. Vhen your body has no other options left.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“For zhe past few months, you health, both physical and mental, has been deteriorating. You eat less. You talk less. Your attacks are lackluster. You have bags under your eyes. You flinch vhen somevun yells for you. You stare off into space. Your routine, vhich usually has at least some changes, has become stringent, as if you can’t possibly expend any more energy into extra activities. You have avoided Demoman on zhe battlefield, even though you usually use him for cover.”

Medic flipped through his notes.

“I have pages and pages of your decline. However, as a scientist, I believe it is caused by zhe same source. And, though I usually respect my patient’s right to privacy vhen it comes to these sorts of matters, I believe you’ve been keeping something from me. Something that I should know as your general practitioner…your doctor.”

Scout shrugged, already shutting out the conversation.

Medic sighed.

“Maybe I tried to talk to you about zhis too soon. After all, you’ve just had a very sudden and exhausting episode. But…perhaps…”

Medic took a sheet of printer paper from his clipboard and a spare pen from his pocket.

“…zhere is an alternative.”

Scout was still unresponsive, but Medic continued.

“Zhere is a patient in my vaiting room vis a metal pole through the chest. It vill take me at least an hour to properly remove it, and a few minutes more to heal zhe area. Vhile I do zhat, vhy don’t you draw how you feel?”

Medic smiled.

“I know how much it grounds you.”

It wasn’t until Medic left that Scout actually picked up the pen, but he began drawing immediately.

For the first time in a while, he wasn’t trying to hide his strokes or scratch up the cleaner lines. No more stick figures. No more pretending.

Five minutes later, he was fully engrossed.

Medic started to walk in at one point, but, seeing how relaxed Scout was, decided to give him a few more minutes.

He deserved it.

[creatingnikki]

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out. 

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices. 

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make. 

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it! 

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up. 

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday. 

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same. 

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people. 

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful. 

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away. 

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you. 

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs. 

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight. 

[alifeasvivid]

yknow when it comes to omegaverse i think public disciplining for omegas is very commonplace and even expected :D if an omega starts getting a bit mouthy or acting like a brat, it's not unusual for an alpha to take them over their knee and give them a good spanking until they're in tears. most omegas ever enjoy the public display of dominance, often turned on, and alfred especially loves acting out so arthur will spank his ass red

>.> apologies for the delayed response

So I'm not really into exhibitionism, the idea of it makes me pretty, idk uncomfortable? but I could certainly see a form of omegaverse where this could happen, one that's heavily influenced by bdsm dynamics, which for most people who are heavily into it includes dungeons so it's an easy jump from there to what you're describing in terms of A/B/O.

But to me, a look or one solid squeeze to an omega's arm or shoulder or neck (particularly neck if they are already mated) like "That's too far. You just wait until we get home." would be more effective.

I tend to think Arthur would be more like this, he seems like a very private person about most things. Alfred would probably rather get it over and done with and even enjoy the spectacle, but nope. Because Arthur knows that having everyone's attention like that would be too much fun for Alfred. Instead, Alfred has to stew in Arthur's displeasure, knowing damn well that Arthur is plotting exactly what he's going to do to his naughty mate. Of course whatever that is, it's always fun too XD so the anticipation is the punishment more than anything else and for someone like Alfred, who puts a high premium on instant gratification, that is probably the worst punishment possible.

And despite knowing that's what will happen, Alfred probably still acts out anyway XD

Also, in an omegaverse where public punishment is normalized, Arthur would certainly indulge his mate's, ah, desire for attention now and again. >.>

[thoughtsofanempath]

Catching a lie with a narcissist

this is a big one. Narcissists who get caught in a lie do not just "stop" or "get better" or "change" no matter how much you tried to empathize, repair, understand or gain clarity about it. This is going to sting. I know it does and I'm so sorry..

Let's process this together.

if that's what they defaulted to outside of your presence, and they didn't stop their ways on their own, getting caught isn't going to change that. They might apologize, they might fake remorse. They aren't sorry for hurting you. They knew what they were doing. They didn't care. Not about you, the outcome or the consequences. They are only sorry they got caught. They are kicking themselves in the ass for not being sneakier about it.

They might promise it will never happen again. There might be breaking down, tears or some other dramatic theatrical performances.

Don't buy that bullshit. Please translate this whole thing as if they were saying "I promise to never get caught again" for your own sake.

They are low individuals with little moral compass in life, it's hard to care when you're a narcissist, much less care in regards to anyone elses feelings.

Narcissists are best described as adult babies that need instant gratification and their little whines and cries met. This stems from unmet needs from childhood (not your fault, not your issues to fix)

So how does cheating come into play? The mind will attempt to rationalize this, but when you're dealing with an irrational person it's not going to make sense.

They need validation from outsiders so they can feel better about how bad they treat you and everyone around you. Anyone can pretend to be someone else when they are trying to impress an outsider.

Most likely, you've been discarded after they picked up on your emotional intelligence... They are trying to play the hero card.

they have convinced the other person that YOU are the toxic one, and they are the victim. You MADE them cheat. Well if you didn't do this or that, they wouldn't have acted that way. They will use every trick in the book to make it your fault. And if you're angry and upset about all this they'll use your anger against you too claiming that you're unstable, which will validate their actions and behaviors.

THAT'S NOT A SORRY PERSON.

you don't deserve it. A person of heart and integrity won't lead you down a confusing path and hurt you with lies, infidelity, spite deceit and so on.

When I found out about the lies and the cheating my body went into complete shock; I was very sick and distraught and my body failed me. A year later I'm still dealing with the consequences of stress and trauma. Ruminating and thinking I could have done something different to prevent this from happening turned into compulsive thoughts. Depression didn't even begin to describe it. One of the worst feelings in the world.

They're not entitled to hurt you. You did not ask for this. You didn't make them lie, cheat or abuse your love and commitment.

Spineless monsters, snakes...that's what you are dealing with. The injury did not start with you, and it is not your fault.

There's no one size all approach how to heal from this. You're going to need a ton of support, you going to need self care and someone to check in on you. Processing this is going to be a lot.

Realize that a cheating partner does not define your worthiness of a happy relationship. you may feel a lot of emotions like embarrassment and shame (like I did) this is a normal response to infidelity. Talking to someone professionally will help you through this.

Hang in there and take good care of yourself ❤️ don't be afraid to ask for help, support, care and comfort.

[blackroseraven]

Today is going to be One Of Those Days.

Like, people suck. I get it. Some things are Very Important. I get that, too. But sometimes you can just. Take a moment to breathe instead of raging, or step away from the conflict and wait for clarification. Or at the very least remember that social media, especially, lies and distorts for clicks.

It’s hard. I struggle to be nice, to try and keep my gardens tended. Do you know what I actually want to do? I want to be pointlessly angry and kick things and tantrum and shout and stomp too. I want to hide in bed and cry and not do a single god-damn thing. And I even have this fucking crutch of the endless week-long headaches that sometimes amp up to migraines, that keep me from even being able to spend time with my partner because it makes my mood so volatile, or because I cannot stand the sharp light and barrage of noise, I need to escape to something quiet, regulated, dim.

But I don’t. I keep trying, because the worst sin of all is hypocrisy.

I know myself. I know one of my biggest flaws is the stick up my ass about rules and regulations and responsibility. One of my clearest memories, to this day, is falling up the stairs, vomiting from a horrible flu, and being shouted angrily at to “puke in the bucket and not on the floor.” 

You are responsible for yourself and whatever happens, no matter what. Fault is always assigned. If we had a car accident where someone ran into us, but I was the one who said “let’s go down this road,” it would be my fault that it happened because I said “let’s go here,” rather than letting the driver choose.

Yes, I’m aware how absolutely batshit and toxic that is but I had that ingrained, trained into me.

And it’s why I know I’m not a good person to make decisions, not without a lot of pause and thought. Because my knee-jerk reaction is always going to be to be harsh.

So do that when you hear people yelling angrily about this or that. Take a moment. Breathe. Wait a day or two for the rage cycle to die down and the actual facts to come out, because in all seriousness nothing has happened yet, I promise. The internet demands instant gratification, but the reality is bureaucracy grinds very slowly. Believe me, I know, it took me two years to move to this goddamn country.

And know yourself. Learn about yourself. Love yourself, in spite of all your flaws, but recognize your own flaws, and figure out how you can bubble-wrap the hard edges or trim away at the thorns.

You can’t be a better person until you do, or until you at least try.

[crocodilenialledfics]

story page // masterlist // wattpad

join the taglist

Six: You could bring the devil to his knees

word count: 5299

warnings: contains swearing, mentions of violence, sexual content, and drug use 

“Always with this midtown shit,” Luca mocked. “What, Brooklyn isn’t good enough for you?”

“Actually it’s not,” Rosalind agreed, eyes flicking to Niall’s. “Brooklyn is boring and I’ve got to get my thrills some how since I’m not allowed to do my fucking job.”

Niall gave her a subtle smirk, the one that gave Rosalind flashbacks to when he’d find himself between her legs, looking up at her with his devilish grin. Rosalind could kill him, looking at her that way with so many people around.

“And who’s this dickhead you’re getting your thrills from?” Luca demanded, hands on his hips. “Since it’s some big secret.”

“Just an asshole from Brooklyn,” Rosalind told him, the nonchalance in her voice made Niall chuckle, turning toward the door.

Rosalind’s recovery was slow and painful, but worst of all, it was boring. She’d spent weeks in bed, hardly able to even sit up. As her wound healed, another one grew. Niall was twisting the knife in her gut with each passing moment they spent together. 

The softness he offered her in touches and kisses. It was enough to open Rosalind up from the inside out. She’d craved it, touches like that, her whole life. She was never a child, not even when she was one. She’s never gotten the softness. 

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Niall had been coming around the shop more and more. It aggravated her, the way him and Luca got along. The laughs and jokes they shared, Rosalind wanted to burst both of their bubbles.

She wouldn’t, though. Her anger management was a challenge and she’d admit that to no one. The self control was hard, she learned. Rosalind’s favorite thing was instant gratification and anything that didn’t give her that sent her into a fit that ruined a lot of good things. 

Every day was a challenge for Rosalind but she was grateful to be back at work, mind occupied on other things. Luca held Rosalind back, making sure she didn’t dive in head first like she usually did. 

“I can go with you to Roger’s,” Rosalind murmured, arms crossing over her chest as she looked at all the eyes on her. The ones she didn’t want to see were Niall’s. 

Their deal with Rogers included both Rosalind and Niall. A loan taken out on both of their accounts. Rogers was notorious for pulling stunts which is why Luca was going in her place. It didn’t make her any less mad.

“It’s better that you just stay here,” Luca explained, tugging his jacket on. “Don’t want anything to happen to you, Roz.” 

“So I’m just supposed to sit around here all day doing absolutely nothing?” Rosalind demanded, eyes flicking between Niall and Luca, almost daring them to speak.

“The last time you went, things got physical,” Niall responded, and unsureness to his voice. Rosalind wished he wouldn’t of said that because was there a logical reason he would know that? 

“Yeah you had those bruises for weeks, Roz,” Luca added. “Just sit this one out, please?” 

Rosalind would be lying if she said collecting the money owed to her wasn’t her favorite part. The rush she got from every situation was what she lived for, what got her here in the first place. 

“You’re no good to us if you’re dead,” Luca told her, looking up at her from across the room. “Then I’ll be in charge? Or even worse, Gio? Nah, Roz. No one does this better than you.”

“Fine,” Rosalind conceded, sitting down at the desk. “Don’t fuck this up,” she warned. “Get the money and leave. He’s a sick fuck, likes to talk and shit. Don’t buy into it or else next thing you know, you’ve put down 10 large on some bogus stock that’ll go under before you walk out the door.”

Niall watched Rosalind, the offhanded way she mentioned it all. He thought he should be scared, the way she calculated everyone and everything. No less, it was a person she’d spent less than a couple hours with, tops. 

“Did you hear me?” Rosalind asked, pulling Niall from his thoughts. 

“Yeah,” Niall nodded. 

“Okay,” Rosalind muttered. “If I’m not here when you get back it means I’m in midtown. Staying up there a few days, I think.”

“Always with this midtown shit,” Luca mocked. “What, Brooklyn isn’t good enough for you?” 

“Actually it’s not,” Rosalind agreed, eyes flicking to Niall’s. “Brooklyn is boring and I’ve got to get my thrills some how since I’m not allowed to do my fucking job.”

Niall gave her a subtle smirk, the one that gave Rosalind flashbacks to when he’d find himself between her legs, looking up at her with his devilish grin. Rosalind could kill him, looking at her that way with so many people around. 

“And who’s this dickhead you’re getting your thrills from?” Luca demanded, hands on his hips. “Since it’s some big secret.”

“Just an asshole from Brooklyn,” Rosalind told him, the nonchalance in her voice made Niall chuckle, turning toward the door. 

“Well why don’t you bring him ‘round,” Luca offered. “Wanna shake his hand for puttin up with you and your volatile mood swings.” 

“He’s awfully busy,” Rosalind assured them, sitting down at the desk. “Now get the fuck out of here before Rogers gets pissed. Remember what I said.”

Rosalind watched the two of them walk out, knowing full well they were trouble put together. She knew Luca would come back later talking about what a guy Niall was and Rosalind would hate it. She wouldn’t say anything, though. 

There was no logical reason to hate Niall so vehemently. He was a good guy, a strong head on his shoulders, and he was honest and loyal. Thus, the perfect man, a man she could be proud of. All of that, though, Rosalind wasn’t quite ready to talk about nor admit aloud. 

She settled for keeping her lips sealed, finishing the little bit of desk work she had before traipsing off to midtown like she’d said. Her gut told her Niall would be around soon, mouth moving a million miles a minute. Rosalind was waiting for him, too, hoping he’d come. 

Rosalind found herself stuck in the hallway outside of her door, talking to Tony. She felt trapped in the small talk, wanting to escape it all. She went out to walk around the city a bit, grab a magazine or two and tony caught her on her floor. It’s like he always knew. 

“I hear you’ve got a man,” Tony told her, a ring to his voice that annoyed her. 

“That’s quite personal,” Rosalind told him, shifting on her feet. “And I don’t want to be disturbed. It’s been a long couple of months for me I need to-“

“Oh fuck!” Tony exclaimed. “Yeah, you got shot outside Al’s. I heard about that. Everything okay with that?” 

“Fine,” Rosalind nodded. “Everything is fine.” 

“Well alright,” Tony nodded. “Call if you need anything.” 

Rosalind slipped away from him, into her room, feeling relieved. She grabbed the bottle of wine, her magazines and went into the bathroom where she started the bath. 

Rosalind was never big on baths. She lacked the time and patience. Since her recovery, it was one of the best parts of her night. It helped with the anger, sitting and thinking alone. She did believe it would.  

Through her therapy, Rosalind realized her anger came from within, at the lack of time she had for herself. At first, she thought it was a crock, but after re-examining her life, there was truth to it all. 

Rosalind was well into her soak when she heard the door snick closed. “Roz,” Niall called out. “It’s me.” 

Rosalind didn’t respond, head turning to the door. Niall appeared in the doorway, though. Knuckles bloody, a gash on his cheek and Rosalind swore she’d kill Roger’s the next time she saw him. 

“Fuck,” Rosalind mumbled. 

“Well I laughed at an inappropriate time,” he declared, leaning against the doorway. “And I almost cant blame him for it. Hurts like a bitch, though.” 

“Laughing isn’t a reason to fuck up someone’s face,” Rosalind muttered, sitting up, water sloshing around her. 

“It is when you’re psychotic,” Niall chuckled, sitting down beside the tub. “I’m just glad you didn’t go.” 

Rosalind wished she would’ve been there to get her hands on him. He was one of the names on her list of people that had it out for her. She wouldn’t put it past him, the way he always played dirty. 

“Anyways,” Niall mumbled, head leaning back against the wall. “That fucker downstairs, Tony. Almost got into a fistfight with him. Trying to tell me you weren’t expecting anyone. I said our rule is I tell ya her name and number and come up but the prick pushed me so I punched him. I told him if he ever put his hands on me again, I’d make a hero outta him.” 

“Fuck,” Rosalind laughed, shaking her head. “It’s like you always have to cause a scene.” 

“It’s ridiculous that everyone wants to test me,” he muttered. “And keep me from you? Yeah fuckin right. The traffic was shit on the bridge and then they try to tell me I can’t come up. No fuckin way.” 

Rosalind chuckled at that, shifting back, knees bent. She let out a breath, eyes fluttering a bit. Niall watched her, eyes gazing over the sharpness of her neck, just picturing the skin beneath the water. There was no one he’s ever wanted more. At any given moment, it was safe to say that he wanted her. Bad. 

“But you know that tony guy?” Niall asked, further pressing the subject. 

“Yeah we dated in high school,” Rosalind murmured, sliding her feet until her toes poked out of the water. “Nothing major. Every time I come he tries a bit too hard.” 

“There’s a million decent hotels around here if he’s a problem, why do you still come here?” Niall asked, waiting for her to say the words he wanted to hear. A confession of some type.  

“Some of the guys come here,” Rosalind shrugged. “It’s good for business. And close to the casino. Lots of famous faces walk through here.”

“I know but why do you come?” Niall asked, the emphasis on her making her eyes flick to his. 

After a long moment, Rosalind finally answered him. “Tony and I loved each other. Or so he thought. After high school I was lined up to work odd jobs for my father’s friends and tony was going off to community college. The thought of it made me sick. I hated it. The college thing. Tony’s dad was best friends with my dad and it didn’t make sense how he didn’t want to be just like his father. We fought, I punched him, we broke up.” 

Niall hummed, not giving her a sound response to what she shared. It wasn’t as bad as he feared. He thought maybe Tony and her were close the way Niall and her were close or a million other things that ended with Rosalind in bed with someone that wasn’t him. 

“What?” Rosalind asked, at the way he was staring so hard at her. It made her uncomfortable for a number of reasons. 

“Nothing,” Niall shook his head, a set of words that would surely get him a black eye on the tip of his tongue. “You guys fuck still?” 

“No,” Rosalind responded, annoyed but not angry. That’s how he knew it was the truth. Her anger came when she tried to lie or mask her feelings in a way that was impossible. 

“You fuck anyone?” Niall asked, eyes focused on her face. “Else,” he added. 

Rosalind met his eyes, eyebrows furrowing. “So if I answer that and ask you the same you’ll tell me the truth?” 

“Yeah,” Niall responded. “I would.”

“Okay well before I answer, you should know that about a month ago, Lanzo saw you hanging around with some guys from Ralph’s in the back room at that club on west. Some blonde girl all over you,” Rosalind told him. 

“That was...” Niall trailed off, a loss of words. 

“That was whatever,” Rosalind finished for him. “And I don’t care who you fuck around with but to come around here asking what I do in the time that I’m not with you isn’t any of your fucking business. If you asked to start a new fight with me, don’t. I’m tired.”

“I just wanted to know,” Niall explained, voice quiet. “That was like a one time thing, though. We just did like hands stuff, you know.” 

“I don’t care what you did,” Rosalind laughed, standing up. She unplugged the drain, and grabbed her towel off the rack. Niall’s eyes followed her. “I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to know.”

“Well I don’t fuck anyone else,” Niall told her. “Haven’t in a while.” 

Rosalind didn’t answer him, stepping out of the tub. She dried herself off, tugging her robe on. Niall followed her into the room, watched her push the balcony doors open to let the cool air in. She leaned down, pulling a baggy out of her suitcase, a couple blunts. 

Niall followed her out onto the balcony, dying for her answer. Rosalind sat down, picking up her lighter to light the blunt. Niall watched her, blunt between her lips, lighter in hand. What he’d give to have her like this forever. 

Only when she took a hit of the blunt did she finally answer him, passing it his way. “I don’t know what answer you want from me, but even if it is the one you want to hear, it isn’t because of what you think.”

“Okay,” Niall responded, almost dumbly. 

“I don’t fuck anyone else. I haven’t since we started doin this,” Rosalind told him, relaxing against the chair. “Fucking more than one person is confusing and messy and quite frankly, it’s disgusting. Just thinking about where your fingers have been is enough to make me want to throw up. So don’t tell me what you’ve been doing. I don’t want to know.”

“I told you I don’t fuck anyone else,” Niall argued. 

“Okay,” Rosalind retorted, rolling her eyes. “If that’s the story you’re sticking to.” 

Niall didn’t respond, passing her the blunt. Rosalind took a slow inhale, eyes fluttering. She let out a breath, passing it back to him, “gonna fuck me after this?”

“Dunno have to see if my other girlfriend- the blonde one is busy later or not. If she’s busy then yeah.” 

“That’s a sound way to get yourself a broken jaw,” Rosalind told him, shaking her head. “I might be in anger management but I still have a right hook that’ll make your head spin ‘round your neck like the cartoons.” 

Niall let out a chuckle, taking a hit. He handed it back to her, declaring, “that’s enough for me.”

Rosalind hummed, eyelids already a bit heavy. “Fuck, okay,” she murmured. “You ever thought about fucking out here?” 

Niall’s eyebrows raised, looking around the city skyline around them. Anyone could see them sitting there. If things weren’t so secret, he’d think about it. Niall let out a chuckle, standing up, “okay come on Roz.” 

Rosalind followed him back inside where he took his clothes off until he was underwear clad, pushing her onto the bed. Her robe fell open and Niall smirked down at her, finger slipping inside of her. 

“I don’t wanna be on the bottom tonight,” Rosalind told him, spreading her legs for him. She let her finger drift down, pressing at her clit. Niall watched her, not having it in him to tell her to stop. Seeing Rosalind touch herself turned him on in ways he didn’t think possible. 

“Keep touching yourself,” Niall told her, finding himself ducked down between her legs, watching her body move. 

“Really,” she mumbled at how boring that was. She wanted his mouth, or fingers on her. 

“Yeah it’s hot,” Niall told her, spreading her folds with his fingers. 

“Was hoping you’d put your mouth on me,” Rosalind told him, fingers disappearing as she sat up. 

“Don’t feel like it,” Niall told her, shrugging as he sat up. “You can ride my thigh, though.” 

“Don’t wanna ride your thigh, wanna ride your dick,” Rosalind told him, shrugging her robe all the way off her body. 

“Guess we’re at odds, then,” he shrugged, eyes trailing over her body. 

“So this is a negotiation,” Rosalind chuckled, nodding. “What is it that you want?” 

“I want you to make yourself cum,” he told her nudging her leg with his knee. “By yourself. Just want to watch you.” 

“That’s quite boring,” Rosalind answered. “It’s not even like I have any toys to make it fun. Just me and my fingers? Boring.”

“So?” 

“So save that for a rainy day,” Rosalind offered. “Back at my place.”

“Fine,” Niall gave in. “New negotiation. I wanna do anal.”

“Do you have any lube?” Rosalind asked, eyebrows raising, knowing full well that he didn’t. 

“Fuck,” he muttered, collapsing on the bed beside her. 

“Jesus,” Rosalind laughed, falling back on the bed. 

“Okay let me try to tie you up again,” Niall offered, appearing over her face, eyebrows furrowed. “No cheating this time.” 

“Then don’t tease me,” Rosalind retorted. “I hate to be teased.” 

“Just let me edge you a couple of times,” Niall offered, already working the belt out of the robe she was wearing. 

“No way,” Rosalind mumbled, shifting on the bed to sit up on her elbows. “No edging.” 

“Just one time,” Niall offered. “Come on, baby,” he honeyed, head tilting to the side. “Wanna see you begging for it. Close to the edge, crying out because you want it so badly. Sensitive skin all over, just begging for me to touch you.”

“No,” Rosalind breathed out, but her cheeks flushed thinking about it. 

“Ya sure?” He asked, eyebrow raising as he looked down at her. “Looks like maybe you want it too, Roz.”

“I might be convinced,” Rosalind offered. “After you kiss me a while.”

Niall let out a chuckle, nodding. “Come ‘ere.” 

Rosalind found herself straddling him to where her wet center rubbed against his underwear clad cock. She’d barely done anything and Niall was already breathless. 

“You’re the one that needs edged,” Rosalind told him, thumb brushing over his bottom lip as she rolled her hips against his. His eyes fluttered and he chuckled. 

“Maybe in the morning,” Niall offered, fingers wrapping around her hips, to grind her against him. 

Rosalind caught his lips in a desperate kiss, moaning against him. Niall licked into her mouth, the sounds sending him into a spiral. Rosalind began to think about a morning with him, what that meant. It was a passing thought, letting it leave her mind as fast as it entered. 

Niall kissed Rosalind until they were both breathless, panting against each other. It was hot and wet and with anyone else, she probably would have thought it was repulsive. With Niall, she was so desperate for more. A harder, messier, dirtier kiss with desperate hips brushing against each other. 

It felt like hours before Niall pulled away for good grabbing her wrists between them to tie them up. This time, the knots were tight leaving her no room to wiggle or move. Rosalind gave him a pout, looking up at him. 

Niall didn’t give in, nodding toward the bed. “Lay down, then.”

Rosalind let out a heavy sigh, licking her lips. She looked down at the bed, nodding slowly, “alright. Fine. But I’d like for it to be known that I won’t enjoy any second of this.”

“I’m sure you’ll enjoy a lot of seconds of this,” Niall told her, watching her lay down. He spread her legs wide putting her in full view. 

Niall started slow, kissing at her thighs open mouth kisses that had Rosalind sighing out. Without warning, one finger inside of her. Rosalind clenched around him, pulling him in and he almost called the whole thing off, ready to take her from behind. 

“Roz, baby,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to her clit. “You’re so tight. Know you’re trying to tease me.” 

“I’d never,” Rosalind murmured to the ceiling, eyes shut. It was in her nature to tease, though. 

Niall didn’t tease Rosalind this time, beginning the assault on her most sensitive spots. He licked at her clit, reveling in the way her body moved. 

Rosalind’s legs spread wide, gasping out his name. It was music to his ears. One finger inside of her, and Rosalind groaned, the trench of it. It felt like forever since she’s had him. Two fingers in, and Rosalind writhed against the bed. 

Niall’s tongue on her clit, the constant pressure and the slow stretch of his fingers inside of her had her a mess on the sheets. She moaned, back arching off the bed. Niall’s hand on her stomach kept her grounded, hips pressing against the bed. 

Niall’s mind raced with thoughts about being the only person to have her in this way. He was the only one with his lips wrapped around her clit, fingers curling inside of her to make her gasp. It was just his. 

Niall ground his own hips against the bed, seeking some relief. He was painfully hard, humming against her dewy skin. Rosalind let out a particularly loud moan, thighs beginning to shake and that’s when he pulled away, sitting up to watch her. 

Rosalind let out a breath, looking down at him. She was unimpressed, he could tell. Rosalind dropped her legs to the bed, eyes slipping shut. “I hate you, for this,” she mumbled.  

“I’m sure,” Niall agreed, crawling up her body to kiss at her neck until he met her lips. He kissed her bruised lips, careful not to touch a single part of her body. 

Rosalind was desperate for it, though, hands sliding down to palm at his hard cock. Niall chuckled against her lips, pulling away. “What’re you playing at?” 

“Think I wanna suck you off,” Rosalind told him, eyebrows furrowed. “Isn’t that weird.” 

“For you, yeah,” he chuckled, sitting back. “Ya want to, though?” 

“I think so,” Rosalind murmured, letting out a sigh. 

Niall hummed, licking his lips. “Alright, lover. On your knees.” 

Rosalind let out another heavy sigh, sitting up. She got onto the floor, situating herself on her knees, hands falling to her lap. Niall palmed himself, just looking at her. Her red cheeks, puffy lips. She’s never looked so good. 

Niall scoffed forward, shoving his underwear down over his knees. Rosalind looked up at him, shaking her head. “This is gonna be hard, you know. Might need some help.” 

“I’ll help,” Niall told her, pushing the hair from her eyes. “Long as you’re a good girl.”

Rosalind rolled her eyes at him, letting out a laugh. “Don’t push it.” 

Niall laughed, shrugging his shoulders. “I just wanted to see what would happen.”

Niall reached around, gathering her black hair into his hand. Rosalind sat up, eyelashes fluttering at him. Niall let out a groan, wrapping his hand around himself, “swear you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Roz.”

“Why is it that you’re only nice and sweet when I’m about to suck you off?” Rosalind asked, shaking her head. “Seems suspicious to me.”

“I decline to comment,” Niall told her, tightening his grip in her hair. “Open up, would ya.” 

Rosalind pursed her lips for a moment, holding back her eye roll. She licked her lips, straightening up, eyes on Niall’s. She let out a breath, opening her mouth. Niall gave her his smirk, resting the tip of his cock on her lips. 

The whole thing had Rosalind aching between her legs. Niall guiding her along, one hand in her hair, the other on his cock. Rosalind had to close her eyes, a moan falling from her mouth as she took him in deeper. Just the weight of him on her tongue. 

“Good girl,” Niall grunted out, eyes glued to her face. “Fuck, Roz. That’s it.” 

Rosalind hollowed her cheeks out, eyes pinched shut as they began to water. She took him down though, until he hit the back of her throat. Niall cursed under his breath, hips stuttering. 

Niall could count on one hand the amount of times Rosalind had sucked him off and each time left his mind in a haze. This was no exception. Rosalind bobbed her head until Niall pulled her off, groaning as he did. 

Rosalind wiped the back of her mouth with her bound wrist, eyebrows furrowed. “Why’d you stop?” 

“Didn’t wanna cum,” he told her, watching her with an intent that should have made her nervous. “Can’t decide what I want to do.” 

Rosalind let out an unimpressed sigh, sitting back on her haunches. “This is why you’re never in charge.” 

“Well fuck me, Roz. You’ve said no to everything I wanna do,” Niall grunted, shoulders falling as he looked down at her. 

“How’s about you untie me,” Rosalind smiled, head tilting to the side. “And let me ride you.” 

“Roz we get it. You have thighs of steel. You can ride dick long after I cum. No need to show off all the damn time,” Niall mocked, pulling her up to her feet by the wrists. 

Niall pulled her in for a kiss, hands gripping her hips. Rosalind kissed him back feverishly, desperate for something. Anything. The kiss didn’t last very long. Niall pulled away, licking his lips. “Okay, Roz. Hands and knees.”

“Niall,” she all but whined. 

“You said I was in charge,” he argued, eyebrows raising. 

“But...” she trailed off, shoulders falling. “I hate it like that.”

“Why?” He laughed. 

“I can’t see you,” she explained, a softness fo her voice that made Niall ache. 

“That why you like to ride me?” He asked, already beginning to change his mind.  

“I like it when you watch me,” she told him, just dying to kiss him, the way he was looking at her. 

With a flutter of her eyelashes, Rosalind has changed his mind. Niall’s back hit the headboard just as Rosalind straddled him, her wet center brushing over his hard cock. Niall groaned at that, gripping her hips. 

“You gonna untie me?” Rosalind asked. 

“In your dreams,” Niall murmured, pulling her in for a kiss. Rosalind rolled her hips against his and he groaned. 

“Come on Niall,” she whispered, nosing along his jaw. “Get the condom.”

“Lover,” he said, “I’m not going to cum in you, if that’s what you think. We’re just getting started.”

Rosalind watched him, not believing it. He lifted her hips just enough to slip inside of her. The air left her lungs just as Niall groaned, eyes slipping shut. “Fuck, baby,” he breathed out. “You feel so good.”

Rosalind let out a moan, as Niall lifted her hips again, getting them into a rhythm. Niall kissed at Rosalind’s neck, teeth scraping against her throat. She felt seconds away from cumming. It was all so overwhelming. The intimacy. The teeth on her neck. Rosalind cried out and Niall pulled her off of him. 

“Niall,” she begged, chest heaving. “Please. I feel like I’m dying.” 

“You’re not dying,” he murmured against her neck. He slid his finger between her legs, thumbing over her clit. “What is it you were working? Delayed gratification.”

“Not like this,” she whispered, eyes slipping shut, as a moan escaped her lips. “I’m hating every second of this.”

“Your moans sound an awful lot like enjoying,” he teased, sliding his hand over her hips. “I’m thinking of all the ways to get you back for all the times you‘ve kicked me out of your place.”

Rosalind breathed out a laugh, shaking her head, “not fair. I’ll never get to cum.”

Niall smiled above her, letting out his own laugh. Without a warning, Niall lifted her hips again, sliding inside of her. Rosalind moaned, stretching around him as she bottomed out. 

Niall caught her lips in a kiss. It was wet and messy and it had Rosalind groaning against his lips. She wanted more more more. Her hands on him, to feel him everywhere. She whined against his lips, feeling the overwhelming urge to cry. 

“Niall,” she begged, pulling away. “Please,” she whispered, a tenderness to her voice that he’d never heard before. “Please, I need to cum so badly. Please.”

Niall’s nose brushed against hers as he pressed a soft kiss to her lips. She whimpered against his lips, eyes stinging. Niall pulled away, telling her, “lay down on your back.”

“Niall,” she whined, teetering on the edge of anger. 

“Easy, tiger,” he murmured, tapping her on the bum. “I need to get a condom.”

Rosalind let out an unsatisfied groan, disentangling herself from him. She laid down while Niall got off the bed, searching his pants pocket for a condom. 

Rosalind let her hands slip between her legs. She rubbed herself against her palm, letting out a sigh of relief. Niall pushed her hand away, straddling her, knees on either side of her thighs. “Roz, stop it,” he said, opening the condom. 

“You’re an asshole,” she said, unable to help herself. 

“I know,” Niall chuckled, shaking his head. “And you’re a brat.”

“Can you let me cum now?” She asked, feeling herself calm down, the closer they were.  

“Maybe,” he nodded. 

“Can you untie me too?” She asked sweetly, eyelashes fluttering.  

“Afraid not,” he shook his head. 

“I wanna touch you,” Rosalind begged, holding up her wrists as if to prove it. “Wanna pull your hair and wrap my hands around your throat. I wanna grab your ass and-and leave scratches on your shoulders.”

Rosalind could tell Niall was teetering on the edge. He was going to give in. Rosalind wrapped her hands around his hard cock and he let out a breath, eyes fluttering. “Please,” she whispered, breathy and soft. 

“I hate you,” he mumbled, grabbing her wrists. He pushed her hands away. “Arms over your head.”

Rosalind groaned, lifting her arms nonetheless. Niall slid the condom over his aching cock, spreading her legs just enough to slide inside of her. Rosalind moaned, back arching slightly as she wrapped her legs around his hips, pulling him impossibly closer. 

“Baby,” he murmured, nosing along her jaw. “Feel so good.”

All Rosalind could do was moan, pleasure coursing through her. She was desperate for relief after all the teasing he’d done. It was clear Niall was just as desperate, the way he he fucked into her good and hard. 

Rosalind was once again reminded that there would be no one after him that could compare. Her orgasm crashed over her in a sharp gasp and curling toes. Niall was right along with her, teeth barred against her shoulder. 

Niall collapsed beside her, tossing the condom into the waste basket. Rosalind let out a disgruntled sigh, rolling onto her side. “Niall,” she grunted. “Can you untie me?”

“Shit,” Niall laughed, sitting up on his elbows. “Sorry. Forgot.”

Rosalind rolled her eyes, extending her bound wrists toward him. Niall untied her, setting her sore wrists free. She couldn’t find it in herself to be angry about the marks left in her skin just yet. 

The urge overwhelmed her, so Rosalind kissed him, hands tangling in his hair to tug just enough to Niall’s breath to hitch in the back of his throat. It took everything in her not to press herself against him and rut just a little bit. 

That must have been character growth on Rosalind’s end, that she didn’t want to get him back. Niall, unwitting, was amused about her eager kiss. He let his hand slide down the curve of her back to settle at the bottom of her spine. The other, he pushed Rosalind’s sticky hair from her forehead. “Thanks,” he said. 

“Wasn’t easy letting you do that,” she told him, eyelashes fluttering at the softness of his touch. 

“I know,” he chuckled. “Did you enjoy it, though?”

“The ending, yeah,” Rosalind laughed, letting herself lay down beside him, just for a second. “In between stuff... not so sure.” 

“I enjoyed all of it,” Niall declared, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Favorite part was when you said please.”

“don’t go telling anyone that I said please,” Rosalind warned, sitting up. She tugged her robe on, standing up. “I’ll have no street cred.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Niall murmured, watching her walk off to the bathroom. This Rosalind was just for him to see.

//

taglist: @swasanfrancisco​ @halluciniall​ @coconutdawn​ @exoticniall​ @missy14us​

[thepropertylovers]

What Foreigners Really Think of The U.S. Right Now

The other night, after the kiddos went to bed, we decided to watch the second Borat movie that just came out (have you seen it?). It was insane and hilarious all at the same time, but it got me wondering: what do folks who don’t live in the U.S. think of The United States of America right now? What is their perception of us?

So I decided to pose this question on Instagram and wow. Y’all did not hold back. I want to thank everyone who submitted for your candidness and honesty, even if some of these were hard to swallow. It’s important to note that just because these are their opinions of America, it doesn’t mean it is all necessarily true. Regardless, it was interesting to read everyone’s thoughts and get an outsider’s perspective.

We received hundreds of submissions and couldn’t post them all, but below, people from all over the world share what they really think of the United States at the moment.

Leadership is out of touch with reality and messing things up real bad, not just for the U.S. but also for the world. What’s worse is that half the country is being misled successfully. It just shows poorly on the country all over. -Annonymous

Your president is a disaster when it comes to foreign politics and corona. No class, no knowledge. A joke. Very scary to watch. But half of the voters are happy with it. And that is even more scary. Very difficult to understand the hate and ignorance in your society right now. -Mikkel

It’s just weird. Everything basically. I totally understand now why the U.S. is described as '“flawed democracy” in the democracy index. It’s just a crazy system which is not providing equality among people- regarding the vote especially. This system leads to the fact of the two big parties (similar in the UK basically). But democracy is about diversity in opinions and options. Not just two. -Max

The US is more divided than ever. The two parties cannot work together nor do they appear to want to. The government is no longer run by reason, facts, and policy aiming for the betterment of the entire country and or world in the long or medium run; rather it’s instant gratification for the few who benefit from nepotism. Lies and misinformation are used to build a dictatorship hiding in the form of “patriotism”. And those who could act as a check or balance focus on their own personal gain, putting their needs above those of the persons they should be representing. -Joel

I personally don’t think there is a very good atmosphere in the USA, especially right now, Trump’s administration does not protect the American people or the economy. He only cares about himself and his male-white supremacy. The worst of all is that lots of Americans think Trump is actually a good leader (idk why, honestly). But thank God that people are starting to wake up and fight about what they believe. We can see it through BLM protests, feminist movements, and so on, and the whole world is proud about those people fighting for their rights. America was once the land of dreams, but nowadays (with all that is happening) it is even scary to go there. Lots of things have to change and those changes have to start, voting and defending your rights and your beliefs are the first step. Greetings from Spain. -Antonio

The main reasons I can think of are vote suppression/gerrymandering, expensive health care wealth inequality, racism, lack of fun control… -Brian

Definitely find the hypocrisy of the Republicans so annoying, Trump still being in office, the fact that there has been no police reform or justice for Breonna Taylor, the gun laws, and the COVID numbers just to name a few. -Brian

Here in the UK it seems like CARNAGE over there..don’t get me wrong, it’s wild here too but Trump is insane and it’s really odd seeing so many Americans supporting him. -Dan

Really worried about the fact that you might go for 4 more years with Trump and the fact that he’ll for sure contest the results if he loses. Add to this, all the racial violence and in particular the way some policemen act without being condemned by any judge. And finally the pandemic which seems to be even more out of control than in other countries. This is coming from someone who lives in France where we’re going to be under lockdown for the second time since the beginning of the pandemic (2nd lockdown starting tomorrow evening and will last at least until December 1st 😢). -Estelle

To put a long story short, let’s just hope Cheeto doesn’t get reelected otherwise our UK trade deal will be a disaster and we don’t need any more negative influences in the UK around gender and sexual equality.-Christian

I think with this administration, the US has demonstrated how to shipwreck a whole nation economically, ideologically, socially, and politically within a really short period of time. After just 4 years, we’ve come to associate the US with widespread narrow-mindedness, a lack of respect and courtesy to other nations (and minorities in its own country for that matter), short sightedness when it comes to global phenomena like environmentalism or migration patterns, and a celebration (by some at least) of almost barbaric notions of violence, oppression, and backward thinking, all under the camouflage of its constitution and socio-historic heritage. We’ve really admired the Obama administration over here in Europe, which-despite its flaws and shortcomings- has opened up the US to international partnerships and has established an ongoing discourse shaped by mutual respect and politeness…the contrast couldn’t be more pronounced these day…-Sebastian

I look at our Prime Minister and government and then see Trump and think we really could have it so much worse! Vote!! -Ant

As an American living in London, I can tell you that the news coverage here makes the US look like an absolute joke. Mainly due to 45, his lies, his bigotry, and his insane desire to make covid seem as though it’s a falsehood “created by the left” while hundreds of thousands of Americans have ben victimized by this pandemic. What was once seen as a country of opportunity and freedom, is sadly no longer held to that level of greatness in comparison to its neighboring countries. It saddens me because I had plans to move back home within the next year or so, but if the US continues on its path, I can see myself in London for the unforeseeable future. I can’t live in a country where I am seen or believed to be lesser than another because of my sexual preference. I can only hope and pray that this election brings the change we need to be that country of greatness once again. -Rob

Very poor to be honest. And I’m not necessarily [talking about Trump]- I think the immediate reaction is to blame him. Though, he is pretty awful. There was obviously a huge level of social and other problems in the US, and the current administration has exploited them to the breaking point. Whereas more “skilled” past administrations had the ability to leverage those issues for their benefit, but not let it boil over. I actually thought Trump would be a positive for the US and world- in that his incompetence would force other world leaders to step up. Meaning more equity in how disputes etc. are assessed and the US wouldn’t bully smaller nations. I think the US has hit the point in its journey with capitalism that the USSR hit with socialism in the late 80’s that led to its collapse. Does that mean collapse for the US, I don’t know but the system isn’t providing equity and equality for all as it stands. -Paul

Worried but also hopeful for you guys because I don’t think all citizens in America reflect the current administration. It’s been really great to see people voting early and making their voice heard. No matter what happens just know you did what you could in this moment in time. Even though the current administration provides a scary outlook for the future. As long as the current and future generations lead with love, there will hopefully be a brighter future. Love from Canada. -Ajetha

I've been subscribing to all of the US News since the Black Lives Matter Movement commenced and honestly, it made me scared as a Filipino Asian to step foot in the States ever since. I have big dreams of flying over there and probably working there as an immigrant after I finished college. However, when I found out about the racial injustice that is currently ongoing in the country, I became hesistant of still wanting to live there. Although, I'm positive that there are still people like you two that will be open about working immigrants, I really hope that racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia will end for good among every human beings in the US and also around the world. I do wish and pray that the 2020 US election will make certain amends to the current situation y'all are experiencing because it's getting pretty scary out there. -Harvey I’m an American living overseas working for the US government. I’m trying my hardest to stay overseas so my family and I don’t have to come back to the mess that is the US right now. From politics to COVID, it’s not a good time. While the virus may be surging again in Europe, at least the people comply with the government rules. Sometimes I believe Americans take freedom and liberty a bit too far, especially when it comes to the greater good. -Anonymous

Allthough on social policy the US is no real example for us (I think there is more social ‘security’, more justice, high standards in education for all in most of the EU countries), they always have been a ‘safe haven’ in big international politics. It now feels like ‘they have our back’ doesn’t imply anymore. -Jasper

Well personally I think the country seems in total disarray, instead of focusing on the real issues in the streets both house of the capitol are focused on bashing each other during the election campaign which is a circus due to the sitting POTUS. The obsession with the right to bare arms and the gun culture bewilders most other countries, you have teenagers walking into schools with Assault weapons and yet people still want guns to be available, worst still you ban one type of assault rifle but another just as powerful is kept on sale, it’s plain weird. -Philip

Neither candidate represents their party well. As an outsider looking in, it just baffles me that either of these men could potentially be the leader of the free world...It genuinely feels like worrying times are ahead for the US. -Marc I'm from India and living in Germany at the moment. The race problem in the US is as bad as the class/caste problem in India. Even if I don't have money I can go to a government health center in India. I just had an operation and stayed at the hospital for 18 days here in Germany, I had to pay only 180 Euros, everything else ( the operation and the many tests and scans that followed) was covered by the insurance. When my friends at the US heard about it they were shocked about low the hospital bill. There are really great labs (I'm a researcher) that I would like to work but I have no intentions of working/living in the US for a longer period of time. -Maithy

I think the US has become a joke to the rest of the developed world. Neither candidates running for president are fit to run such a powerful country. I can't help but feel after the election if Trump wins the left will riot and if Biden wins the right will riot. The country might just rip itself apart. American politics has zero empathy and zero morals. Honestly its terrifying. -Andrew

The US has always been a bit confusing to me - the two party system, the focus on religion, the divide in income and possibilities- as well as being the beacon of light in the fight for human rights, the strong personal pride in creating caring societets, the blending of and openeses for ethnicities and cultures... But for a while politics have become not at all about politics, religious beliefs are taking charge in policy work, the wealthier part shows little companion towards the less wealthy, the public spending is way above budget year after year while health care seems to be crazy expensive and not for all. The intrusion of US interest in politics in other countries are blunt to say the least, creating conflict where human lives have no value if they’re not US lives... School shootings that seems to be acted upon as that is part of normal lives, and schools to expensive for even middle class kids to study at... This is a shift in trust and soft power that affects all of us. -Olof

To be honest, I couldn’t come to the US right now, it scares me. The leadership, the gun laws, the violence and the divide of the nation. It sucks, because I love America and have been there 7 times in the last two years from Australia for work... but not anymore. I’m not coming back now until peace wins. -Anonymous

The fact that such a hate filled government is presiding over what is one the greatest countries in the world is scary. And it is seriously mind blowing that out of such a powerful country filled with some of the greatest minds in the world it’s these two men are the best you can do to be your next president. Unbelievable. Seriously unbelievable. -Rachel

I think the orange dude in office is making you guys look bad. But also, good (?). Seeing the black lives matter movement and so many of you stand up to the problems your country faces has been inspiring. One thing our countries have in common is how we are divided into very distinctive opposites sides. I mean, where do all these racists, bigots, utterly, madly conservites people came from? I few like a few years ago things did not seem so much as a boiling pan about to explode. Or maybe they were all hiding and when a lunatic like them rose to power (how that happened still boggles my mind) they all showed their true colors. It’s scary. I hope Trump doesn’t get reelected. Brazilians loooove to imitate americans🙄, so if he gets reelected it makes that much probable that our lunatic will also be in office for four more years. P.S. have you guys watched the show Years and Years from HBO? A really good watch is this election times! ☺️ -Taty

Re. The US atm. Unfortunately your president has made your country a laughing stock around the world and he's destroyed relationships with allies. It's gonna take time to rebuild all of that. He's also moved an entire branch of your government to the far right, even though the majority of the country if left/centr of left. So you've a supreme court that doesn't represent you and it's looking like they're going to try and take away rights from people. You have a healthcare system that doesn't look out for its people and there's this bizarre fear of universal healthcare that seems insane to every other 1st world country. If if Biden wins (and I really hope he does for everyone's sake), there's going to be a lot of work in undoing the damage Trump has done before he can even get into what he wants to do. All the while you've an ultra conservative highest court. There's also the massive political division and the systemic racism. It's a lot. It's not impossible, but it's going to take so much time and people who want it to change. -Ciara

I’ve been sitting here for an hour thinking about your question and there are many different outlooks I could raise so I’ll keep it generic. I’ll start with the elephant in the room known as Covid. Each day, our morning news informs us of what your leaders are doing and daily case numbers in the US. We sit here completely shocked at how your government has let it reach this point. You may have heard that Melbourne has just come out of one of the strictest and longest lock downs in the world. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone to have to do, but I will say, I feel much more comfortable to be able to go to the shops knowing the numbers are at about 2-3 a day instead of in the thousands. I do think that your government does need to address this now, could even be making it compulsory mask wearing. It’s hard for me to comment about your economy as we don’t here much about it, but I will say Trump ‘says’ make America great again, let’s get more jobs, they are pro life, yet how is someone who is prolife not doing anything to stop a virus that is killing people? Isn’t your unemployment rate worse (pre-covid) than what it was when Obama was president? I think as a generic outlook, if change isn’t made in the election, the outlook from a Australian does not look like it would be something you’d want to be apart of. I love America. Have visited a couple of times, even thought about moving there, but at the moment, I’ve never been more thankful to not be there. -Ben

[undeific]

i promise it’s not that deep, or why you’re wrong about self-inserts: an essay by your friendly neighborhood chaotic neutral

So, self-inserts. A hot topic, apparently. In 2020. Perhaps it’s due to a dashboard full of young, possibly underage writers (which is not a bad thing! embrace your creativity!), but this is a discussion I believed we had matured past. Since it has been floating around, though, here is my take, and the take a great deal of circles have embraced in the past 6-7 years or so. 

There’s always been a self-insert problem in the community — not necessarily self-inserts themselves, but rather the response to them. It’s no secret that these characters are commonly regarded with disdain and always have been: they’re viewed as the most self-indulgent form of character, the least creative, and the worst-written, having been made solely for the purpose of connecting with canons and living out one’s own Mary Sue-adjacent fantasies. To some extent, these generalizations make sense and line up with a reality we are all very familiar with; after all, these assumptions must come from somewhere, and there would be few canon-portraying writers among us who could say they’ve absolutely never been met with an uncomfortable situation brought on by an overeager self-insert. In 2013, the worst crime a roleplayer could possibly commit was create a character like this, and would result in what was considered, and many times was, a well-deserved blacklisting from entire fan spaces and writing circles. A self-insert was, after all, created with no integrity and only had bad intentions. 

We all know the self-insert girl — and yes, she is a girl, of course. Her dialogue is clichéd, her plots are threadbare and consist primarily of smut and romance, her backstory is tragic and attention-seeking. She often has the same name as her creator and her faceclaim is self-flattering. She seeks out canons and attractive original characters of the male persuasion, persistent in her attempts to reach out, hoping to begin shipping with her victim — or victims — of choice. She is a being purely of self-gratification and wish-fulfillment. She is, in a word, embarrassing. We do not like her. She is told on the rule pages she does not read that she will be blocked, banned, and ultimately mocked by those who have seen her floating about. She is “politely” insulted and threatened for crimes she has yet to commit, and chased from the platform as quickly, cruelly, and efficiently as possible. Yet she always comes back in one form or another, like a cockroach.  

These characters still exist, of course. They were never a myth. I am familiar with them, as are you, and everyone else who has dipped their toes into the writing pool. But they are an exaggerated breed these days, and often used to perpetuate elitism in spaces where it is entirely unnecessary. The shadow of the stereotypical self-insert’s reputation has been cast over original characters as a whole, specifically female characters, and has created an unwelcoming environment prone to cliques and harassment. A character outside an established canon is suspect. A woman outside an established canon — and sometimes even within — is eyed suspiciously, hypercritically, before being thrown a generous bone by a “lower-tier” roleplayer who will determine whether or not she’s worthy of attention.

If any desire for wish-fulfillment is detected or perceived, she’s dropped quickly, often with no warning. 

There is a strange idea that permeates throughout roleplaying culture that wish-fulfillment writing is done in bad faith. This is flawed logic in many ways. Roleplaying is not a job. It is not an inaccessible artform. If you engage in this form of entertainment, you are getting something out of it. You are stepping outside of yourself and becoming someone else, and you are enjoying it; you are, in other words, engaging in a form of wish-fulfillment, though perhaps not with the sticky connotations you are familiar with when contemplating the term. This very idea goes against the rhetoric that has been built up by the community, however — self-indulgence is taboo, roleplay is serious business, and only those worthy and “quality” shall partake and be given attention. (It has even been taken to the rather sad extent that if one does not keep up with aesthetic-based trends, they are met with passive disinterest if not outright disdain. But that is another essay entirely.) If you seek wish-fulfillment, you are not welcome. If you are a self-insert, you are not welcome. If your character shares too many traits with yourself, you are obviously seeking wish-fulfillment, and probably a self-insert to boot, so you are not welcome. 

There are layers to this. People do not want to associate with these leper characters, and so they create strict rules to be adhered to — and that makes sense, as everyone is entitled to their own pleasurable experience, and their own guidelines. But these rules become meaningless in the shuffle, placed on carefully-crafted Google Documents to do nothing other than promote elitism and limit creativity, whether that is the intention or not. If you like a character, but find out it shares the same name and birthday with its creator despite little else in common, what do you do? If this character does not seem interested in pushing a ship onto you in your interactions, are they still breaking your rules? If a character was created with its writer as the base, though they do not behave in the stereotypical way that makes self-inserts unbearable, why is it so important? What do the origins of a character have to do with its current iteration? Why, if it does not have a negative impact on interactions, does it matter if a character is a self-insert or not? At the risk of sounding like a dusty academic, the bard once wrote, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” What, aside from preconceived ideas, does a character’s self-insert status have to do with anything? 

“Discomfort” is the word primarily used when discussing these characters negatively, and many hoops are jumped through to justify why this discomfort is felt if there is no concrete reason, no offense committed. If one is willing to dissect another’s character, but not one’s own reasons for their own discomfort when confronted with the simple, low-impact reality that this character exists, some self-reflection is warranted. Even more so if this character is, as far as you have seen, well-written, fleshed out, and interesting, with the only “downside” being that it is, in fact, a self-insert. 

To write well, one must understand the character they are working with. Divorcing oneself entirely from the characters they write will only work to their detriment. All creations, all characters, must contain a piece of the writer within them to some degree; that is the only way a piece of fiction will function — but if that is against the rules, we cannot write. We cannot engage in any sort of believable storytelling. Self-inserts are, at their core, only the most exaggerated form of original character. 

This, of course, is capable of leading to problems; one of the greatest issues here is the possibility of the lines between fantasy and reality getting blurred. This has happened to me when dealing with self-inserts, as well as other original characters and even canons. It is distressingly common, one of the most unpleasant situations to arise in roleplay spaces. However, if it is your assumption that the lines of fantasy and reality will be blurred purely because a character has self-insert origins, that likely says much more about your own grasp on reality rather than the self-insert’s. It is and always has been important that proper distinctions and boundaries are maintained, no matter who the writer or character are. During heavy or dark threads, writers will often be found shooting jokes back and forth in the tags to put each other at ease, and people give out their handles on instant messaging platforms to ensure easier, more efficient communication out of character. If this is done efficiently, any issues that arise are handled in a stable, mature way, and the problems that lend themselves to roleplaying become ever rarer. 

Self-inserts are like any other character, they just have a label with nasty connotations and an unfortunate history and stereotype attached. There should be no thorny questions here, only whether or not the character interests you personally. If the very term is a dealbreaker for you, you are taking yourself, and this, too seriously — and missing out on some fascinating storytelling in the process. 

That being said, the character I portray owns a knife and I own a knife, so I am practically a self-insert myself. I guess I’m gonna be blocked! 

[captain-aralias]

10 Question Tag Game

ah - some lovely distractions from writing. thank you for the tag @ninemagicks

1) What’s your favorite genre to write? screwball comedy, enemies to lovers

2) Do you pull inspiration from real-life, or do you pull things from other books/ fanfiction you’ve read? only rarely from real life - i find it harder to notice things about a real person than i do about fictional things. lots from other people’s fic, particularly. mostly where i think ‘that was a cool idea but i would have done it like X’. also - question 10 goes into this a bit as well, but talking to people about either my work or their work really helps. 

3) Do you tend to write one-shots, short stories, or longer things? mostly longer things, particularly now i write a lot of first person

4) Do you prefer to write description or dialogue? i prefer to write dialogue, although for this fandom, prose is dialogue. i hate description though - that’s the worst part.

5) Favorite fic/book of all time? statistically speaking my favourite book of all time is probably... harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban. which is a bit lame, but there we are - no other book will probably ever have as much of an effect on my life, it was my first proper fandom - and it’s a fantastic book, just in and of itself. sirius is a great villain, the mystery is fantastic, gryffindor win the house cup and, like wood, i cry with happiness. it’s amazing. 

i also absolutely love stephen fry’s ‘making history’, which is more obscure, but worth a read. it’s about a young guy who doesn’t know he’s gay (shock! i love gay books) who wants to avert the second world war by killing hitler - it has jokes and an AU history. and gay romance! it’s an incredible book - one of my all time favourites of all time. 

also - tamora pierce’s immortals series, particularly emperor mage. ‘carry on’, obvs. terry pratchett’s ‘night watch’. david gemmell’s ‘legend’. over in the more respectable corner (but only slightly) ‘pride and prejudice’. the most basic classic literature choice - but it’s amazing. TH White’s ‘the once and future king’ (arthur, ILU), alan hollinghurst’s ‘line of beauty’ (it’s about gays! and politics! and art), and michael cunningham’s ‘the hours’ (it’s about gays! and writing and depression). 

listen - i like what i like, ok? school stories, heroic fantasy, books about gay people who are also sad and/or writers. 

fics we’ve already talked about a bit. very influenced by whatever fandom i’m in, and i tend to think that i’m generally in a fandom for about 5 years. so i wouldn’t want to say anything was my fav of all time, but you know the kind of thing i like. 

6) Favorite trope? fake relationship

7) Are you the kind of person to work on more than one wip? not unless i’m having a crisis. generally if i stop writing something, i won’t come back to it. 

8) How long have you been writing for? a long time. i started writing harry potter fic when ‘goblet of fire’ came out, when i was about 16(ish). before that i was writing stuff for school (some of it - shameingly - also fanfic). i did english and creative writing at university. wrote briefly about antiques for work, and now just write fic. 

9) Do you tend to write more during the morning, afternoon, or evening? Iate morning, or evening. afternoon is general time for social interaction. or it was.. 

10) Do you prefer to post and update your wip chapter by chapter, or do you prefer to wait until your wip is 100% finished before sharing it?

i know that it would be better to have some sort of schedule, but i need a) instant gratification, and b) to be able to talk about what i’m writing with other people to help me work out what is going to happen later c) to know that people are into it enough to keep going. sometimes i have posted really long fics just in one chapter - and i would still do that. also, i like to post chapters about 10k rather than anything shorter, because i want there to be an arc. but i do like sharing stuf as soon as possible, yes. 

Tagging a random number of people as there seem to be no rules: @sharkmartini @basic-banshee @god-is-bready @messofthejess @f-ing-ruthless-baz @agapi42 @thisbluespirit @bunn1cula @flintandfuss @knitbelove

[333infatuated-blog]

Anon love.

Anon love? What could that possibly mean? Well it’s in the name when two anon accounts catch feelings for each other but don’t even know the others name. How is this even possible... honestly idk but it happened to me with about different people all equally confusing some more intense than others only one got my real name... so she won lol. Back to how this happened. I was on a burner account on IG trolling doing whatever calling out homophobes and got added to a Queer friendly groupchat some people claimed they were straight but ... yeah sure lol. Anyways we had group calls everyday all day with cams off and kinda got addicted to it and each other. You can’t get that instant gratification anywhere else tbh. Very fun times until people started catching feelings aka me. V confusing because I always fall for straight girls. What’s worse than straight girls? Girls that don’t know if theyre straight or not but tell you they like you and there is a lot left unsaid. Worst feeling Eva. I will never be out here assuming someone likes me if you don’t straight up tell me bye. Adios don’t know what else to say you will it have me out here looking stupid okurrrr. Anyways I had a girl tell me I was the first person she came out to and she finally accepted her sexuality and I had a really strong connection with her tbh but I was going through some things and left social media so that died down. Another girl told me I helped her open up and be herself around the group and she really appreciated me and I kinda left socials because again I was going through stuff and didn’t want my info leaked so We just shared pics of how we look. I told her to never forget me. Baby girl will always be in my heart. Another grown women about 29 gave me some advice on girls and I gave her advice on life it was very intimate. Basically gave her free therapy sessions because her stories were extremely captivating. Another women told me I was too young and I always chase older women .. the thing is she claimed she was straight but was bi the whole time and I was simping for her in the chat everyday lmaooo v embarrassing can you imagine I’m the only one that’s getting played because they seen right through her loooool. Yeah she broke my heart ngl talked to her a lottttt every second of the day for like 5 weeks or something. Tbh learned many lessons from that none of these were official relationships but all impacted me greatly. I learned a lot about myself and other humans.