#i have a lot more thoughts on this but the essay had gotten long enough;

[glasseater-3000]

ykw sometimes its better to just cancel the show

[exhaslo]

Kinktober Day 20- Roommate!Miguel x Reader

*Requested by Reader ;) *

        It was your third year of college and you had decided to get one of the dorm houses right next to the college. Finally! No more small apartment in a large dorm hall; no more random fire alarms because someone didn't know how long to cook popcorn; no more being locked out of your dorm room because you were in a shared bathroom; and finally, no more loud and obnoxious roommates. Having this house meant that you picked your roommate. You had your freedom.

        What better than a roommate who is going to have their heads stuck in the books or at the library? You interviewed so many people, but only one caught your attention as the perfect roommate. 

Miguel O'Hara

         The man was not only eye candy, but one of the smartest students on campus. Correction, he was the smartest student. You were surprised when he was in the hunt for a roommate. The two of you got along and you decided to go with him. All you ever heard about him was either girls wanting to fuck him, or that he was a hardass who kept his head in the books. A perfect roommate.

         Things were going smoothly for the first few months. You barely saw him due to your conflicting schedules, but he kept his part of the house clean. There was never any loud noise from his room, nor was there any reason to complain. The only little issue you were having was that he was too fucking sexy.

        Lord did the impure thoughts start when you saw him exit the shower one day. You swore drool was coming out of your mouth as you stared at him. You would have never thought that Miguel was so fit. No wonder why all the girls on campus wanted to date him. The man had a body of a god!

"Perhaps I should charge a fee," Miguel said, waking you from your trance. Your face was flustered,

"Sorry! I was just surprised!" You admitted, hiding your embarrassment. 

"Surprised it took you long enough to know why I like to hide here instead of the library?" You could have sworn you saw a smirk on his face, "Midterms are coming up. Let me know if you need help...studying."

        Oh man, you were embarrassed. Since then, Miguel had gotten a little more snarky with you. In a playful manner. Honestly, it felt like he was pulling st your heart strings. The man was smart, hot and a menace to your thoughts. You were ashamed to say that you had thought about your roommate a lot at night as you played with yourself.

        You weren't the only one. Miguel was pumping his dick in his hand every night to the thought of you under him. You were pretty dangerous to be around. Walking around in your underwear and a shirt; laying on the couch; hell, Miguel was even aroused by you cooking dinner. In his eyes, you were already his. He just hadn't sealed the deal yet.

"Argh, I hate men!" You cried out, planting your face onto the couch. Miguel was sitting on the side chair,

"Including me?" He asked, not straying away from his essay. You huffed, face him,

"No..."

"Good, now who do I have to beat up for annoying my precious roommate?"

"Hahaaa, just one of my classmates. We were doing a project and he had the gall to tell me I had no idea what I'm doing. I fucking major in the subject!"

       As you were venting, Miguel was staring at you. He found it cute how red your cheeks got when you were angry. How tight your clothes were against your body. Miguel wanted to see you strip. To get lazy and comfy. It was something only for his eyes to see. He moved his laptop over his bulge, wanting to hide the fact that he was getting turned on from just staring at you.

"And then he had the absolute nerve after all that to ask me out! Like, why would I want to date a rude snob like him?! After I said hell no, he called me a bitch and went to shit talk me to his friends!" You whimpered, tears threatening to spill. 

        Miguel immediately went to your aid. He brought you a box of tissues, sitting beside you now. You rested your head against his shoulder, trying your best to not cry.

"I can beat him up for you, amor. (love). You can do so much better."

"Haha, thanks Miguel."

---------------

          After that, you went back to your hard studies since Finals were around the corner. That boy who had bothered you prior stopped bothering you completely. In fact, he avoided you. It was strange, but you were happy about it. All you needed was to pass your classes. Miguel helped you study for midterms, perhaps he was willing to help you again for finals?

        You were sitting in your shared living room, waiting for Miguel's class to get out. You were getting frustrated from trying to figure out stuff from another class. Glancing at the time, you inhaled deeply. There was still plenty of time before Miguel came home, you could use a little destress. Laying against the couch, you spread your legs and began to rub your clit was massaging you breast.

"Mhm, Miguel," You closed your eyes, imaging that it was Miguel toying with your body.

        Raising your hips, you started to feverishly rub your clit. Whines coming out as you desperately wanted Miguel to touch you. You lowered your fingers to your aching hole, doing your best to finger yourself.

"Miguel!" You whined.

"Fuck," Miguel groaned as he walked through the door. You gasped loudly, fixing yourself, 

"M-Miguel!? Y-Your c-class-?!" You panicked. Miguel hurried to your side,

"Don't you fucking stop now." He groaned, his hands making haste into your shorts, "Fuck, hearing your moans when I walk in. Cómo puedo contenerme? (How can I hold myself back?)"

       You gasped as Miguel had you pinned to the couch. His hands quickly replaced yours and he entered two digits into your wet cunt. You moaned, arching your back into the couch as he pumped his fingers roughly. Your pussy clentching down against his hand whike your hips moved against his palm. His fingers were so thick, bigger than some of your toys. He was already stretching you out.

"Hah, ah, M-Miguel..." You whimpered a moan as he curled his fingers. Miguel licked his lips,

"Qué hermoso. Tu cuerpo se está desmoronando por mi culpa. (How beautiful. Your body just falling apart because of me.)" You trembled as you reached your first orgasm, "What a naughty roommate. Teasing me so much."

        You panted heavily, never experience an orgasm like that before. You followed Miguel's gaze, watching him undo his pants as he licked his fingers. His pupils almost looked blown once he had a taste of you. It made you wetter. Finally, all of those wet dreams you've had of fucking your roommate was about to come true. Miguel cussed lowly as his belt got in the way.

"I never seen you this stressed," You teased, helping him undo his pants, "How long have you been wanting this?"

"Why do you think I became your roommate?" Miguel watched your reaction towards his large dick, "You?"

"Before midterms,"

        You stroked his dick with both hands. His low rumbling groans were turning you on more. You brought your lips to his tip, licking the precum that had started to drip. You winced at the salty taste but continued to suck him. Miguel's hand rested on your head as you bobbed your head against him. It was difficult and you could not take him fully, but Miguel seemed to enjoy it. Tears formed from the corner of your eyes as Miguel forced your head lower.

        Muffling against his dick, Miguel stopped, allowing you to breathe. You crawled over his lap, positioning his dick over your soaked hole. Miguel held your hips and placed you on your back before entering. The two of you moaned in unison. Miguel held your legs up as he stretched you out. Miguel was destroying your pussy and he hadn't even moved yet. You gripped the couch's blanket, raising your hips as he kept pushing himself inside.

"Looks like you need help with your finals," Miguel groaned, watching your pussy suck his dick as he finally fit his whole length, "Let me start by teaching this naughty pussy a lesson."

"Mhm, p-please," You begged. Miguel pulled back then slapped his length into you with force, "Ah~!" You cried out.

"Qué compañera de cuarto más cachonda. ¿A punto de romperse después de un solo empujón de mi polla? Tu coño fue hecho solo para mí. Mira lo mojada que estás, sólo para mí. (What a slutty roommate. About to break after just one thrust of my dick? Your pussy was made just for me. Look at how wet you are, just for me.)"

"M-Miguel!" 

        You gasped for air as he fucked your brains out. Each thrust was bringing your orgasm closer and closer. Miguel grabbed your breasts, playing with them as he sucked on your collarbone. His dick pounding you relentlessly. He had his body pinned against you like an animal in heat, refusing to let you go. You wrapped your arms around his neck, moaning into his ear as you reached another orgasm. Miguel shivered in delight and decided to reward you. He slammed his cock a few more times, filling your womb with his cum.

"Looks like you're going to need a lot more lessons, cariño (sweetheart). But don't worry, I won't charge my dear roommate."

"Y-You better not." You huffed. Miguel smirked as he gave you another slap of his dick, "W-Wait~ Mhm, d-don't...d-do that." Your whines turned into moans as Miguel kept abusing your poor cunt.

"After waiting this long, you really don't think I'm not going to fuck you dumb? Gotta make sure I keep tutoring you."

"Hah, hah, y-yes," You replied, throwing your head back in pleasure.

        You did not care how many times you needed to ask Miguel for help. You knew that he would tutor you seriously. It was your payment that you really looked forward too. Anytime either of you were stressed, you two had some of the best sex. When it was time to renew your lease for the house, both you and Miguel did not hesitate to agree. Miguel was the perfect roommate. Perfect boyfriend. You were not letting go of him, and neither was he of you.

[terukotime]

You say you don’t like the killer reveal, why? I actually think dev made some great choices and I’d love to talk to you about your perspective.

i don't want to get too deep into it because, like i mentioned in my previous post, i don't want my criticism to come off as negativity towards the series or discourage anyone involved in the production of the show because it's honestly not a huge deal. like, it in no way ruins the show or makes it less enjoyable for me. and i don't think the choice of who the culprit is is a bad one at all, i'm mostly unsatisfied with the way the chapter handles it.

[spoilers beneath the cut, obvi lol. and please remember this is just my opinion. me having and expressing my opinion is not hate towards the series. i'm nervous enough as it is posting just this and not a bigger essay on all my thoughts because i really don't want to have this be misconstrued, nor do i want any criticism i have to give, regardless of how innocent and respectful my intentions, to make drdtdev or anyone who works on the series feel bad.]

i think Ace being the killer DOES make sense. i have no qualms with him being the blackened, in theory. do i think he could've made for a great survivor, or have really interesting growth throughout the coming chapters? yeah! i would have loved for Ace to be kept around for much longer. but him being the killer this chapter isn’t inherently bad. it's now clear that there's a specific direction Ace's character was meant to go in this story and i think that's fine.

my problem is with what *didn't* happen with Ace's character up to this point.

the chapter hasn't concluded yet so there's still a chance for my thoughts to change, though i don't think it'll make much of a difference. but i'm still waiting to see if it can stick the landing. and even if it doesn't, that's okay. i've already accepted it, i'm just still disappointed by it all the same.

Ace, honestly, hasn't played much of an active role in the story. he's been a source of conflict and comedic relief, and that's okay, not every character has to be as important as Xander or David...but he hasn't really gotten to *do* anything. this series is very character-driven, and thus is very focused on the relationships between other characters. Ace has only had one notable relationship (outside of his feud with Nico, but i'm not really including that as a "relationship" for obvious reasons), and that was with Levi. and that didn't even stay positive for very long. and we also know now that Levi didn't even care about him to begin with because he doesn't care about people in general.

not only did Ace never really get to establish any other relationships, no one ever LIKED him. of course a good portion of the fandom likes him, but in the actual story, no one cares about him. no one will miss him. his death is honestly kind of meaningless character-wise. does it serve as a lesson to some of the other characters? sure. but he's going to be dying here with no one ever liking or caring about him.

Min's story wasn't just a cautionary tale. people did like her, people did care about her. she was friends with a lot of characters, she got to have an impact in the daily lives of others. we got to know her better, the things she liked, her deeper thoughts and opinions on things. she got to do stuff, and we got to learn about her. her death meant more to the characters beyond just being the first culprit. she died as a person, not just as a character.

most of the stuff we know about Ace is surface level or things confirmed in Q&As. he doesn't get to contribute much aside from the aforementioned conflict/comedic relief. i understand where the show is going with that idea, and why him not being liked by anyone is a specific part of what led him to murder, but that's not really what irks me. it's that Ace never got to really be a *person.* he's essentially a plot device, serving the greater "good person" theme going on this chapter, and filling in the smaller roles in the story when needed, like an antagonist in a scene or delivering a gag. yes, his admittance to killing Arei and eventual post-trial trauma dump will give him a bit more humanity and character...but that's not really enough.

we only get to see Ace how the other members of the cast see Ace: his loud, combative, aggressive side. the side that makes people think he's nothing more than an angry meathead who can't do anything right. we never got to see much of his other sides, of a much more somber, melancholic Ace. receiving even a hint of the Ace we see in his confession of guilt beforehand would have given him the depth we needed before this point.

to explain what i mean: imagine how unsatisfying it would have been if we never got to actually see Arei's breakdown in the playground. if Teruko had left before it happened, and we only get to learn what happened from a flashback from David's perspective. we already feel the weight and tragedy of Arei's death when her body is discovered because we knew beforehand why she behaved the way she did, how she never even liked being the way she is, and wishing she could be a good person like Eden. if we didn't get to see that happen beforehand, Arei's death would feel very flat and detached. her character growth would've happened entirely retroactively.

that's how i feel with Ace. it's not like he didn’t get enough spotlight this chapter, he certainly did. but every scene he was in really didn't really add anything new to him. the only thing that "progressed" with him was his hatred and paranoia. we just see him descend with no uplifting moments, no emotional hook to make us feel anything for him. the closest we get is the scene where he's arguing with Nico and Veronika at lunch, ranting about how poorly everyone thinks of him and that they all assume that he's for some reason happy to be the way he is. but it's really the barest of scrapes towards the deeper layers of his character.

a big problem is that there were a lot of chances for his character to actively be *explored*, but instead, the narrative perspective of him stays completely stagnant. the time we get with him this chapter doesn't give him any greater focus. and sure, you could say that that might be a big giveaway to him being the culprit, but i think if the time between character spotlight is distributed evenly, that would be easily circumvented. there was a lot more time that could've been spent building Ace's character beyond his animosity and self-loathing tendencies. we could have had someone actually attempting to bond with him, even if it doesn't turn out well. even if all the characters distrust each other to varying degrees, there's still a lot of characters that like each other or have unique bonds with each other that make them stand out and feel worth remembering, because those bonds contribute something to their characters. but with Ace? he truly gets the short end of the stick, because this isn't just the characters neglecting him, it's the story itself. if Ace got to have a moment like Arei, maybe someone to confide in, even if he wasn't really friends with them or liked them at all, him being vulnerable just once and having a moment with someone else would have rooted him in more as a person who fell victim to what the killing game wanted from him and not just a fictional character fulfilling the purpose required of them in the story.

honestly, it's a bit of a slap in the face, the way the show goes about it. because in hindsight, Ace's whole character is *meant* to be wasted potential. after all, his related phrase on Mai's bio page is "a girl who had a bright future".

he was set up to have the potential to change, the potential to add more to the story, the potential to show us more than what we were given. and i think the show kind of knows that and specifically perpetuates that. the scene where Teruko tells Levi to give up on trying to apologize to Ace almost reads as the show itself telling you to give up on Ace. that, why should we care about him? he's not going to amount to what we want from him. there's no use in investing our feelings in him.

whether or not any of that actually was intentionally doesn't matter, unfortunately, because rewatching so many scenes having this new context really makes it all seem like Despair Time doesn't want you to care about Ace. that Ace is meant to be a waste, that that's the core of his character. him being the epitome of wasted potential could have been great, actually, if they chose to use even a slight bit of that potential to build him up more before his inevitable demise. instead we watch him eat shit throughout the entire show thus far only for him to get royally fucked at the very end in the worst way possible. Ace's theme of wasted potential is only wasted potential because nothing is ever done with him. not actively, anyways. whatever his post-trial confessional is like won't really give us what we needed from the start. Ace didn't just deserve better in his life. he deserves better as a fictional character. he deserved to be a person and not *just* a character. he deserved to have deeper, emotional character moments outside of the trial, long before his murder confession and rapidly approaching demise. he deserved to be 3-dimensional.

again, this is all just my personal opinion, and there's still a chance the show can stick the landing and make Ace as the culprit feel a lot more natural and deserved. i'm not really confident in that happening, but drdt is full of surprises as well as a lot of great writing. that being said, even though i believe they kinda fumbled the bag with Ace here, i don't hate this turn of events. although he's a big favorite of mine, i still wanted Eden to be innocent over him, because she's also a great character and her killing Arei would not only be pretty huge character assassination, but would also make Arei's death meaningless. and i also think there were other characters who could have been better candidates as the chapter 2 killer (not just Hu, i think Levi, Arturo, and maybe even J also could've made for compelling culprits with the right reasons).

i'm content with this. i'm heartbroken he's going so early and i wish the execution of his guilt had been a lot better, but overall it's not terrible. he just deserved so much more in many different ways.

[regulus-blacks-lover]

Hi it's me again

72 with regulus💚

I have a story idea, if you don't like it, you don't have to answer

Sooo you are kinda innocent, like you had sex before but unspecial without feelings. And regulus founds out you are reading smut books and want to give you the special spice experience you deserve. Maybe you are reading and he starts eating you out

Lot of love to you💓

Sorry it's taken me literal ages to write this! I hope u like it!

1,329 words

#72: “there is no way anyone is that innocent”

"What's up, little dove?" Regulus asked, plopping down onto the common room couch next to you.

You glanced up from your History of Magic textbook just long enough to shoot him an annoyed look. "I've got so much to do Reg. Gotta read this whole section of the book and write two essays by tomorrow."

He leaned his head on your shoulder to look at the chapter you'd already turned back to. "Oh the magical transparency uprisings of 1754," he said. You bit back your annoyance. Regulus was so good at history, thanks to the years of private tutoring his parents had supplied him for his entire childhood.

"I've been reading this page for twenty minutes," you groaned. "It's not sinking in. I'm doomed!"

Your best friend pulled your legs into his lap. "I'll help you." he said, positioning the textbook in your lap so you could both see it. You watched Regulus skim the page before he began summarizing the entire chapter like he'd been preparing a presentation on it. As he spoke, he traced lazy lines up your calves.

You relaxed into his touch and slowly began to understand what the dry words in your textbook had been trying to say.

It was always like this, Regulus coming to your rescue. Your best friend. Never anything more than kind words and casual, platonic contact. Sometimes you thought you caught him looking at you with something beyond just friendship in his gaze, but you always told yourself you were making it up.

You made it through another finals week, thanks to Regulus. The weather outside began warming as spring approached. You'd planned to stay at the school for the short spring break with a group of friends, but several of them had gotten into relationships during the term and had abandoned those plans in favor of spending the spring outside in their lovers arms. You couldn't fault them, but you also couldn't help the bitter jealousy that burned in your chest when you thought of how lonely you were.

You'd had a few relationships, of course, each as unfulfilling and short lived as the last. You'd never felt a spark with any of your partners, never cared for them the way you wanted to. And in return, you hadn't been properly cared for.

With the castle nearly empty, you ventured into the library, ending up in the small romance section. You rifled through a few books before finding one that was properly steamy. You tucked it under your arm and made your way back to the common room.

You find a decently private corner and begin reading, crossing your legs in search of friction as you reach the first sex scene in the book.

"He was consuming her like fire, his tongue stroking in long, slow licks, curling–"

"Hello little dove," a voice says, sitting down next to you. You start, instinctively angling your book away from view. You'd been so focused on the book that you hadn't even heard Regulus come in. Glancing around, you noticed that it was just the two of you in the room. "Please tell me you aren't studying during the break? That's so sad," he said, offering you a mock-pout.

"I'm not studying." You replied, trying to move the book further out of view.

Regulus cocked an eyebrow. He knew you too well, damn him. Before you could react, he snatched the book from your grasp, flipping it back open. You could only watch as his eyes scanned the pages, taking in the smut you'd been reading.

"I knew it. I knew there was absolutely no way anyone could be that innocent." He said, turning to smirk at you.

"What?" You asked, too embarrassed to think of anything else.

Regulus placed a hand on your knee, eyes momentarily lingering on your still crossed legs before he raised his gaze to yours again. "I thought maybe you were just so innocent, the way I touched you never felt like anything beyond just friendly touches." He said quietly. "I never let it go beyond that. I always wanted... I always wanted to make you feel good, I just thought you weren't... into that kind of thing."

Your gaze darted to his hand on your knee. As you watched, he slid his hand upward, just high enough that his thumb vanished below the hem of your skirt. Out of sight, he traced a gentle line against your thigh.

He leaned into you. "Do you want me to touch you?" He purred into your ear. His warm breath fanned across your neck.

Your voice was breathy when you replied, "Yes."

He pressed a kiss against your shoulder and asked, "Do you want me to touch you in all of those filthy ways you read about?"

You felt like you couldn't breathe. "Please." You said, all bust gasping the word out.

"Good." He said, but then he pulled his warm hand out from where it had been making its way underneath your skirt.

"Regulus, what-" you began, but he cut you off by grabbing your hips to pull you to the edge of the small couch you'd been perched on.

He knelt before you, leaning forward to kiss you. His hands were back on you, one on each thigh, trailing impossibly upward until your skirt was pushed all the way up around your waist and one of his thumbs began drawing torturously slow circles over your underwear.

You ran your fingers through his hair, pulling him deeper into the kiss. For all the times you'd wondered what it would be like to kiss him, the real thing was so much better than you'd even imagined.

You began rocking your hips ever so slightly upwards, trying to create more pressure as he touched you so gently. You felt Regulus smile into the kiss before he pulled away.

"Lean back for me, my dove." He said, gently pushing your shoulders back so you were half lying against the back of the couch.

You watched him sink down in front of you, his hands pulling your legs apart. He hooked his fingers into the sides of your panties and you lifted your hips to allow him room to shimmy the fabric down your legs. Your face flushed slightly, suddenly feeling bare and vulnerable. Regulus began to kiss his way up your legs, starting at your knees and making his way upward to your core, where his thumb was already rubbing slow circles against your clit, spreading your wetness around.

You inhaled sharply as he sucked the tender flesh of your inner thigh into his mouth, sure to leave a mark behind. His gaze flicked up to you, full of desire. "Do you want me to keep going?" He asked, waiting for you to pant out a 'yes' before continuing. He replaced his thumb with his mouth and you swore you'd never felt anything so good.

A small whimper left your mouth as he pushed a finger into your entrance, keeping his mouth locked on your clit, sucking it harshly before releasing it to lick it gently over and over.

He began to increase his pace, flicking his tongue over your core faster and faster until you were shaking under his touch. Meanwhile, he added a second finger to your pussy, curling them up into your center, hitting that sweet spot and making you cry out again.

Your hands were tangled in his hair and you bucked your hips up into his mouth, meeting his every thrust with one of your own.

"Regulus," you gasped, "Regulus, 'm gonna come."

He was unrelenting, continuing to lick and kiss and suck at you until your orgasm washed over you, more powerful than any pleasure you'd ever felt before.

When at last Regulus pulled away, you were a mess before him. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to taste you." He whispered, looking up at you from his position between your thighs.

[observeowl]

Second Chance | Chapter 21 - Once Again

Series masterlist

You woke up next to Natasha the next day after borrowing some clothes for the night. Perhaps because you felt comfortable with Nat, you slept all the way until 11am, or perhaps it was due to the movie marathon the both of you had the night prior. Either way, you slept soundly and haven’t felt so well rested in a long time. 

You reached for your phone and noted that your friends texted you about the release of the school results. You quickly tapped Natasha to wake her up and told her to check her results too. 

“There’s no need for that, I always get As, darling.” She mumbled as she buried her face in your torso. 

“Good for you.” You mumbled. Natasha whined as you got out of bed to use her laptop to check your results. After logging in, you scrolled through all the other emails and finally got to the one that you were looking for. 

It was quite easy to navigate, you only had one column to look for, which was possibly why it was so easy to see that you didn't get the results you wanted. 

What’s the point in working so hard? Hard work doesn’t translate to good results. Only achieving B+ for 4 out of the 5 modules you take and even getting a C- for the last one. This is the worst result you have gotten in your entire education. 

You let out a sigh but caused Nat to open her eyes and sat up a little. She didn’t know what to say, but she knows for sure that you didn’t get the results you wanted. “Didn’t get what you wanted?” You shook your head as you entered the bed and back in her arms again, this time with a slightly disappointed look in your face. “Doesn’t matter, you know I will earn enough for the both of us anyway.” 

“Yeah… but I just want to get a good result for once. I don’t understand why everyone thinks that I am an A student, when I’m struggling not to get lower than a B. I mean, this is literally my second time taking the exam.” 

“Good things come to those who wait. Who knows, you might be an all A student by the time we graduate.” She holds you tighter as she gives you affirmations. 

“Hope so…” With two more semesters to go, you aren’t sure how much catch up you could make. 

===

Over the remaining holiday, you spent the majority of the time with Natasha. But you didn’t forget to spend time with Diana and Camellia as well. They even urge you to bring Natasha along when everyone hangs out. 

Natasha didn’t mind going anywhere as long as you were going. She even followed you to the hospital when it was time to remove the cast. But even after that, she still made sure you didn’t exert yourself too much. 

It wasn’t long until school started and the time you get to meet Natasha decreased. But nonetheless, it seems like Natasha has gained a tingling sense for you when you’re near. She’ll spot you and leave her friends without a thought just to be able to say hi to you. Knowing that she loves to see your face light up, you gave her a quick kiss before you had to part ways to your classes. 

“We are having dinner tonight?” It has become customary for her to come over to your house to have dinner together and sometimes she will stay over if she feels like it or return to her dorm if she has early class the next day. 

“Always. I’ll be waiting.” You gave her another quick kiss before following your friends to enter the classroom. 

“You guys are really fast balling this.” Camellia commented when she saw the interaction between you two. “From not wanting to be associated with each other to being each other's girlfriends in the span of 3 days. I really applaud you both.” 

“Well… we just really understand each other.” 

Knowing results means a lot to you, she tries to help out on your assignments as much as possible. She may not be learning the same subject, but she is able to provide a new perspective and sometimes all you need is someone with you to brainstorm a little. She’s able to help a lot when it comes to those written essays that have nothing to do with accounting, but more about logical thinking and reasoning. Her way with words is a lot stronger than yours and she’s always happy to proofread your work and amend any grammatical errors or add some flair to earn some marks.

Nat tried to help adjust your study method. Just putting your head down and reading your notes was not going to help you. She offered to be your partner in reciting the key points and making sure it stays in your brain. She even came up with new games to make sure it was fun and interesting. 

In the end the hard work paid off when your results came back finally with one A and the rest B+. You were with Natasha when you checked the results once again and you celebrated the results with her by going out to a nice restaurant. 

“Just dress up nicely. I’ll handle the rest.” She smiled as she dropped you off at your house after having lunch together. “I’ll come pick you up at 4pm.” 

“Alright, can’t wait.” She puffed her cheeks out for another kiss and you huffed before giving her what she wanted. 

“In hurry to go somewhere?” Your mother commented as she heard you moving about quickly. “Yeah, I’m going out with Natasha later to celebrate.” You commented as you hopped into the shower immediately instead of laying in the bed and using your phone. 

“So you’re not coming back for dinner right?” She checked. 

“No dinner!” You shouted through the door to make sure she heard it

You didn’t have to think what you were going to wear. Okay, that’s a lie. You had to think, but not much. You were going to wear the outfit you bought with Natasha the other day when you went shopping. It wasn’t often that you would choose to wear a dress. But you found something that you were confident in. It was just the right length for you. Not too short that you have to worry about your actions and not too long that it’s difficult to walk. 

“Mum, can you help me take a picture?” You gave your phone to your mum and stood somewhere with good lighting. Previously, it’s not often that you took photos of your own, even less of others. You didn’t have good photography skills and it’s not something that bothered you. But, it didn’t give you the opportunity of looking back for memories. “Make sure you take it properly.” You ordered. 

“Yes yes, I wouldn’t dare take a bad picture of you.” She snapped a few shots before giving you the phone to vet the pictures. Once you deemed it acceptable. You sat on the couch waiting for Natasha. 

Knowing what she’s like, she arrived earlier than 4pm and even brought you a bouquet of flowers that you placed in a vase. While filling the vase with water, you were reminded how you had to get one ever since Nat started giving you flowers each time she visits your house. You told her you didn’t have any place to put the flowers and it would be such a waste for them to wilt and she immediately went to get you one. 

“Alright, I’m ready.” You said to break the flow of conversation that Nat had with your mum. 

“You look absolutely lovely, Y/N.” Nat complimented. 

“Thank you, Nat. You look gorgeous as well..” She was also wearing the clothes that she picked. 

“Since we are little early. Do you want to walk around a little or head straight there?” She asked as she brought you to her car which she borrowed from her mother. You thought about it for briefly before deciding to leave the walking for after dinner when it’s much cooler. 

The drive there was relaxing, blasting pop music, excited for the night to come. “We’re here.” She said and rushed to open your doors. 

“Nat, I know you want to open my doors. You don’t have to rush. I told you, I will wait for you.” 

“I didn’t want to keep you waiting.” Natasha said as you linked arms together.

As you approved the door of the restaurant, you noted there was something different. “Are you sure this is the right place? It doesn’t seem open.” You looked at Nat and asked.

She only gave you a cheeky smile and nodded before pushing the door open. True to your observation, the lights were off and Natasha had to find the light switch to turn on the lights. “I pulled a favour to get the place for the night.” She said as she flicked the light switch. 

There were pictures hanging from several lines and some that you don’t even recognise. “What’s all this?” You asked. 

“Just take a look.” Nat led you through the lines of pictures and you realised you were in every single one of them. “I had to ask your friends for some of the pictures.” 

“But how? You only know Camellia and Diana. And they aren’t there for the archery events.” You commented as you noted some of the pictures were during the events that your club held. 

“I asked Clint to give me their numbers. Easy job.” She shrugged her shoulders like it was nothing. “Now you get to have something to reminisce about. I’m sure our kids would love to see how cool their mother was shooting arrows.”

“I think this is my favourite.” Nat said as she took one out from the pegs. It is a picture of you being surrounded by your friends with a medal around your neck after having won the team event. “Your smile looks really great here. One of elation and relief.”

“Yeah. That’s definitely what I was feeling.” You smiled remembering all the hard work you had to put in to achieve that result. Moving forward, some of the pictures were in school and you couldn’t think of anyone who would take those pictures especially when it looked like the picture was taken quite a distance away. 

“This… who did you get this from?” 

“Myself. I also love the way you’re focused in class or trying to solve a problem. Makes you look very sexy.” She whispered next to your ears. 

“That’s kinda stalkerish.” 

“You can’t blame me, babe. I look for you each time in school.” 

“What about this? Why is this empty?” You pointed at a blank piece of paper that was hanging with the rest. 

“This? I am hoping to add the picture of our engagement.” She continued forward until she was at the end and turned to face you. 

“Y/N, consider this the renewal of our vows. I made the mistake of pushing you away causing us to drift apart. Fate gave us another chance but I refuse to correct myself when the best thing has been in front of me all along. Finally thanks to more pushing and guidance, I was brought back to you once again. Something which I would never take for granted or let go ever again. This time, I promise to take better care of you, protect you and fight for you. So, will you marry me again?” She knelt down and presented you with the beautiful engagement ring. 

“Yes. Yeah I will marry you again.” You nodded your head, trying to hold back your tears.

“Really? Yes! Yes!” She jumped up and hugged you and gave you kisses all over your face before slipping the ring on your finger. “My fiance. Not for long though. I can’t wait to actually call you my wife again.” 

“Soon enough darling.” 

“Give me a moment.” She held up a finger before running to the front door and shouting. “She said yes!!” 

A parade of cheer sounded and so many people started streaming in. Your friend, parents, Melina, Alexis, Yelena. She had invited everyone prior to this knowing you would want to share this time with your family and friends but at the same time leave the intimate moment to the both of you. 

“So, did I earn 10 out of 10?” She asked as she came back to your side and held your waist, wanting to hear your praise. 

“9.5 out of 10.” The pout of her face was immediate. “I thought you would bring the marriage certificate as well.”

“I may have some connection. But not that much! I can’t bring the solemniser here.” She defended.

“I know I know. You have done very well, darling. Here’s to the rest of our life.” You took a glass from the table and raised it for a cheer and Natasha did the same. 

“You’re going to get showered in love for the rest of your life, babe. Better be prepared.”  

Series masterlist

@queen-of-chaotic-surprises @esposadejoyhuerta @gemz5 @natsxwife @dyslexic-dreamer @unexpected-character @eternalnight410 @leenasayeed @oh-thats-sad @skz-xii @gay-frogs-dancing-around @justspance

[maoam]

DISSECTING SAKURA - WHY IS SHE SO TERRIBLE?

INTRO

I promised to write a post about Sakura’s character long time ago so here’s that now. If you want to read my Hinata post it’s here.

Sakura is a character that is very hated in the Naruto fandom. Many people acknowledge she’s one of the worst female characters in anime. And yet, she also has many dedicated stans that defend her character and insist she is simply misunderstood, that she’s actually a good shinobi and a person, or not as bad as people think. While there are many videos and essays about Sakura, my issue with them is that they often either praise Hinata who isn’t any better than Sakura or they do not acknowledge Sakura is supposed to be the way she is. She is intentionally written as an unlikeable person and she was never supposed to be inspiring or a positive character. I will try to explain this to you the best I can by dissecting her character. As usual, if you’re a fan of her character you might not want to see what’s next. This will be tagged under the anti tags so if you see it in the character tag that is not intentional.

SAKURA AS A SHINOBI

I will first focus on Sakura as a shinobi and her skills in fights since Naruto is a battle manga. Sakura is, as it's often acknowledged to the point of memes, pretty useless. A lot of her stans don’t understand why. She might get to punch once every 200 chapters or heal fodders but in the end she is featless. She is placed in many important situations where she does nothing to contribute or even gets in the way. This is not acceptable for a main character that has a lot of screentime. Naturally, this is something that annoys many people but it’s made even more annoying by the fact Sakura is constantly talking about how much stronger she has gotten and how she wants to be on par with Naruto and Sasuke.

In the beginning, during the bell test, Sakura doesn't even attempt to get the bells from Kakashi and only ends up fainting. In the Land of Waves, because Sakura was able to climb the tree due to her chakra control, she became smug and overconfident and thought she doesn't need to train. Which is funny considering she does nothing except stand around during an actual fight while Naruto and Sasuke actually contribute to the fight with the main antagonists. She's tasked to protect Tazuna, yet she can't do that either, but Kakashi has to intervene and get injured. It’s also worth mentioning Kakashi pointed out that during the tree climbing Sakura was able to control her chakra better because she had little chakra to begin with. Thus Kishimoto establishes very early on Sakura as someone who brags and overrestimates her own skills.

In the Chunin exams, Sakura hopes that Naruto and Sasuke aren’t foolish enough to cheat during the written exam, and she’s sure that she can answer the questions based on her knowledge. But what she doesn’t realize is that the real intention of the test is for the takers to use their observation and deductive skills to gather information and cheat. We find this out in the same chapter through Sasuke. Sasuke, unlike Sakura, realizes that the test makers want them to act like a shinobi. Sakura is book smart and a rote learner, but as we have seen in the Land of Waves and what we will see in the rest of the Chunin exams, being book smart won’t help her on the battlefield. Kishimoto wanted to show us that Sakura is just someone who brags and thinks she’s got everything under control, despite the fact she’s not the right kind of smart to be a shinobi, she doesn’t think like one.

In the Forest of Death, we then see she isn’t able to actually put anything into practice and Naruto and Sasuke again do all the work, while Sakura does nothing except stand around, scream and cry. Sasuke even has to yell at her to stop merely standing around. Eventually though, when Naruto and Sasuke are knocked out after the encounter with Orochimaru, Sakura has no choice but to protect them from Orochimaru’s henchmen. But she of course fails. She sets traps that fail, and gets mocked for her amateuristic skills by her opponents. We see characters like Kiba are able to put up traps that actually work, but Sakura who is supposedly smart isn’t. Then Rock Lee arrives to her rescue. After he gets beaten up, Kin grabs Sakura by her hair and calls her out on her vanity and tells her she should have trained more, which is basically what Sasuke did at the beginning of the arc, when he told Sakura if she has time to flirt maybe she should use that time to learn a jutsu or two. In the chapter cover she is also seen brushing her hair in front of a mirror in the forest, so Kishimoto makes it pretty clear Sakura is someone who cares a lot about her looks even during a mission. Kishimoto uses the villains to point out Sakura’s flaws, since the main characters can’t do that considering she is one of the main characters. So we see Dosu point out Sakura’s lack of observation skills and talent, and Kin point out her vanity and boy chasing personality. Sakura then dramatically cuts her hair and gives a speech on how she wants to walk in front of Naruto and Sasuke and wants them to look at her back. Despite the little fight she puts up, she is easily beaten down and is saved by Ino, Shikamaru and Chouji, before Sasuke wakes up and beats up Orochimaru's henchmen, driving them away. Sakura acted like this was going to be her moment, yet it wasn't at all. She had five other characters, 4 of them supporting characters, all of whom showed much better ninja skills than her, come to her rescue.

During Sakura and Ino's match, Sakura starts boasting how Ino is nowhere near her level. What happens is despite her bragging, she falls right into Ino's trap. Unlike Sakura, Ino actually used her wits and shinobi like strategy during the fight, using Sakura’s ego against her to successfully trap her. But because Naruto yelled Sakura's name, her inner Sakura somehow interrupted the fight and it ended in a tie. I think Ino should have won this fight but regardless it didn't make Sakura look good, just an overconfident brat who got lucky.

The rest of Part 1 Sakura spends moping over Sasuke and getting one-paneled by Gaara in the Konoha crush arc where she again becomes a damsel in distress to no one’s surprise. Her uselessly holding a kunai has become a meme because she does it many times during the series. Despite being a liability to her team she never thinks about how to better her skills nor tries to train. After Sasuke leaves and Sakura fails to stop him, she goes to Naruto and begs him with tears in her eyes to bring Sasuke back. Considering how many support characters have contributed massively in Part 1, a main character like Sakura achieving nothing just puts it into perspective how useless she really is. She has been a damsel in every single arc. When Naruto fails to bring Sasuke back, Sakura decides to ask Tsunade to train her, and tells Naruto next time she will go with him to get Sasuke back. The thing is, she should have had the resolve to train and change herself already before Sasuke left. She should have realized she put her team constantly in jeopardy by being weak. She read all about what life of a shinobi entails yet she seemed to treat it as some playground where she can play damsel while everyone around her protects her. It’s only when her crush left and Naruto failed to bring him back that she bothers to make an effort.

At the start of Part 2, Kakashi gives Naruto and Sakura yet another bell test, and Sakura shows some potential by showing off her chakra punch. But in the end, they manage to finally get the bells due to Naruto's plan. Some people act like Sakura is the smart one in team 7 yet she constantly fails to showcase this smartness of hers. Next, team 7 is assigned by Tsunade to rescue Kazekage Gaara. Sakura swears that this time, she will save both Naruto and Sasuke. Again, she sets up a high goal for herself, only to never achieve it. Sakura does however, mix up an antidote to heal Kankuro after he got attacked by Sasori. Next Chiyo and Sakura get ready for a fight with Sasori. Notice how this is the only fight where Sakura actually manages to not fail? It's because Chiyo is literally directing her moves, both verbally and physically. But I will give her credit for using the antidote to survive Sasori's poison, and taking the hit for Chiyo. Sasori was also apparently suicidal and didn’t avoid the last hit but I don’t dwell on that too much.

Now I need to mention something that is very important to note when it comes to Sakura’s character writing. Whenever Sakura does anything she’s complimented countless times by Kakashi, Chiyo, Sasori, and basically everyone she comes across. Kakashi starts to talk about how she might be able to surpass Tsunade, just because she punches the ground once in front of him. Chiyo hails her as a girl who can surpass Tsunade as well, before even seeing her fighting abilities. Hashirama thinks her power might be greater than Tsunade’s despite not even seeing what his granddaughter can do. And this goes on and on. This is Kishimoto intentionally raising up the audience's expectations, only to later intentionally bring them down. Superficial readers think she is smart and could possibly surpass Tsunade because other characters say so, but people who actually read the manga and pay attention can see that Sakura never lives up to the expectations placed on her.

Right after this arc, Sakura goes back to being useless and not contributing much especially considering the screentime she gets. Despite being able to avoid Sasori’s attacks with the help of Chiyo, in the Tenchi Bridge arc she gets first knocked out by Kabuto's flying butt because she's not watching where she's going, and needs to be saved by Yamato. Then she doesn’t let Yamato do his job and gets knocked out by Naruto's 4-tailed form, and needs to be saved by Yamato and healed by Kabuto. When they finally meet Sasuke she charges at him with no apparent strategy and needs to be saved by Yamato again, who gets injured in the process.

So after the entire part 1 of being useless, and 15 chapters of not being useless, Sakura needs to be saved multiple times by Yamato while contributing nothing. To people who paid more attention when reading the manga, this arc made them realize Sakura was never gonna change and this is how her character would always going to be. But others were still starstruck by the previous arc, and would only realize it later.

In the Akatsuki Suppression arc she pretty much does nothing worth mentioning. She is tasked to go help Shikamaru but the latter has already taken care of Hidan by himself. In the Itachi Pursuit arc she doesn’t do anything either, but only follows the dogs tracking Sasuke’s scent. In the Pain arc a lot of characters contribute in the fight against Pain, even Konohamaru who is just a kid manages to defeat one of the paths of Pain, while Sakura is again shown crying and screaming for Naruto. What was that about saving Naruto and Sasuke? If she’s so strong as she acts like she is she could have at least tried to buy some time for Naruto instead of crying like a total whimp.

There’s also a constant pattern of Sakura trying to demonstrate her "powers" or "strategy" and failing. This happened again in the start of the Five kage Summit arc when she tried to fight with the Kumo warriors, got immediately facekicked to the ground and had to be rescued by Naruto yet again. And this is not even the worst. In the same arc she attempts to take down Sasuke by herself, drugging her teammates so they can’t help her, and ends up failing when Sasuke figures out what she’s trying to do and she needs to be saved first by Kakashi and then by Naruto. As always, she aims too high and falls flat on her face. She ends the arc moping how she can’t do anything except to trust Naruto. Of course, Kishimoto doesn’t forgot to mention that Sasuke is resistant to poison, so Sakura’s attempt of killing him whether she succeeded stabbing him or not would have been futile either way. Again, she is failing to come even close to her own goals she set for herself. She is once again a liability that needs saving. And so the audience is frustrated and annoyed with her character. They are thinking, why is this girl who is constantly bragging about her skills constantly making a fool out of herself, crying pathetically and needing to be rescued? Well, that would be because she is supposed to be a person who is completely misguided about her own skills.

In the war arc, Sakura isn’t any better. The war arc only amplifies what we already have seen and know. That Kishimoto uses subversion to show Sakura’s character as overall irrelevant, and to show she’s all talk. In part 1, Sakura is said to be smart and she boasts about her skills yet she can’t do anything in an actual fight, but has to be saved by multiple characters, including Naruto, whom she considered inferior to herself. This of course made people annoyed with her character. When part 2 started, other characters were again commenting on her potential and how she had supposedly grown. So many people got hopeful that she had actually grown a lot and changed. And yet, as I have pointed out, she tried to show off many times and failed miserably. Which made people even more frustrated with her. Because they had gotten their hopes up. The Five Kage Summit arc was definitely the ultimate breaking point. After Sakura’s ridiculous attempt to manipulate Naruto, her drugging her teammates while leaving them defenseless on the ground and her trying to take down Sasuke and failing, she was certified as the fandom’s laughing stock. But some of her stans still remained, and thought she would redeem herself. Somehow.

Then comes the 4th shinobi war. Sakura has mostly been in the background healing people, but when Sasuke shows up, she is suddenly motivated to show off for real. She even gets pissed when Naruto is about to go with Sasuke and suggests to her that she could take a break. Sakura insists she is also part of team 7 and that she surely can keep up with the two of them. We have a panel hyping up Team 7. Then Sakura gets a moment to make a big punch after which she boasts and thinks she’s better than Tsunade, insulting the latter in the process. But she’s not paying attention to her surroundings and needs to be saved by the boys, after which she starts to boast how she will steal the Hokage seat from Naruto and how now they will all fight together with their backs to each other. She then reaffirms herself that she has finally caught up to Naruto and Sasuke. This level of arrogance needs to be backed up, otherwise the audience will get annoyed. And it did annoy a big portion of the fandom, considering they had seen for the past 600 chapters or so Sakura talking about how she wants to be on par with Naruto and Sasuke, how she won’t be a liability anymore and it all leading to nothing except disappointment after disappointment. Sakura’s confidence and ego are greatly disproportionate for someone of her capabilities, which a big part of the audience notices, whether consciously or subconsciously. And this is of course intentional.

She is left on the sidelines again when Naruto and Sasuke are too busy being ”the main act” and fighting perfectly in sync. Sakura has to ask Hinata what is even happening with the two of them. Sakura keeps healing people, but eventually Naruto’s chakra starts to help her with the healing.

Then we get to one of the most infamous moments with Sakura, that resembles another infamous moment in the Five kage summit arc, when she tried to take down Sasuke with a poisoned kunai. In this moment Obito is asking Sakura to stab his rinnegan eye with a kunai. In both moments, she can’t come up with a resolve to use her kunai but just trembles centimeters away from her target. Taking her time shaking she then gets attacked by her opponent, and ends up being saved. In both cases, she wastes her chance because she’s a total whimp who has no resolve to do what she pretends she can do. And thus, the audience is annoyed once again. And the people who always knew what she was like make fun of her.

But Kishimoto won’t stop there. In the very same chapter, when Sakura is trying to heal Kakashi, Naruto takes over and not only heals him but also gives him a brand new eye, something Sakura of course isn’t able to do. Healing was the only thing she could do and even that was taken from her! So much for her being a relevant member of Team 7 who is on par with Naruto and Sasuke.

Kakashi then starts reminiscing about Team 7, and it ends with him reminding the three about his first lesson, which was team work being the key to success. So what happens?

Sakura begans to once again nurse her own insecurities and tries to show off to satisfy her own ego by charging at Madara and telling the boys to follow her. She has no idea of Madara’s strengths and weaknesses and what would you know, her punch is stopped and she gets stabbed in the chest and is once again rescued by Naruto. And what does she do? Mopes that Sasuke doesn’t pay attention to her nor seems to care. She cares more about showing off to Sasuke than defeating Madara, even when this is about a threat to the whole world. What a great shinobi. It’s a callback to part 1 when she moped over the fact Sasuke didn’t care about her climbing the tree. Just like with her shaking with the kunai, it’s just another moment that shows she never truly changes. Not in ways that matter.

And then we see Naruto and Sasuke actually fight Madara, and Sakura literally just stands there in awe of them. She’s shook by Madara’s power which she obviously had no clue about. Of course Sakura still tries to go after the boys but Kakashi stops her and says it’s pointless to do so unless she has a plan. And she stops, and stares at Naruto and Sasuke’s backs as they disappear. Hah. She once again, has failed to achieve the goal she sets for herself. Kishimoto hyped up team 7 yet constantly showed Sakura failing and being left behind, despite how much she claimed she could keep up with the two of them. The way Kishimoto writes her, by making Sakura herself or others hype her, and then showing she’s actually lame is very consistent and relentless.

Taking into consideration that she’s a main character, and all the times that she’s promised major improvement, what we received was just pathetic. When you add it to the fact that she’s a member of such an over-achieving team, it makes her look pitiful in comparison. But it’s supposed to be. Don’t even think this is unintentional from Kishimoto. Sakura was supposed to be someone who never changes.

SAKURA’S PERSONALITY AND HER RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS

Now a little more on Sakura’s personality and the way she interacts with others which is definitely one of the reasons why many people hate her.

In the beginning, she is introduced as a shallow girl who is focused on her looks and getting the attention of the popular boy in the class, rather than being a good shinobi. She gets called out on her vanity by not only Sasuke but also by her enemies. She is pretty quick to give up on the bell test which annoys Sasuke. One wonders why is she even a shinobi when her resolve is so weak. She beats and berates Naruto and is only able to treat him better by mimicking Sasuke. Despite Kakashi’s comments on all of them maturing Sakura hasn’t changed at all at the start of the Chunin exam arc but she keeps asking Sasuke on dates instead of training and also squeals for him like a fangirl. She mopes that she’s not good enough for the Chunin exam and only gets motivated when Sasuke compliments her. This type of shallow and weak characterization made many people instantly dislike her.

In the chunin exams we also find out she broke her friendship with Ino after she found out Ino liked Sasuke as well. This is something that gave more background to her character but at the same time made people dislike her even more, since Ino is someone who reached out to Sakura and helped her build her self-esteem yet Sakura simply dumped her and started a catty rivalry over Sasuke. In Part 2, they only interact once, and during that moment Sakura wants Sai to call Ino ugly. You can’t really call it a beautiful friendship when Sakura is constantly shown as catty and the only person who does anything for the other is Ino. It’s Ino who reaches out to Sakura. It’s Ino who comes to her rescue in the Forest of Death. It’s Ino who compliments her after their match. What has Sakura done for Ino other than wanting her to be called ugly and teaching her kid to keep Ino away from Sasuke?

During Sakura and Ino’s match, Kakashi says Sakura isn’t the type to brag and bully others, even when we have seen her do both constantly. Already in the Land of Waves she bragged how she doesn’t need to train despite not being able to do anything in a fight. She also constantly berates Naruto and acts superior to him, aside from punching him all the time over nothing. Sakura having a bloated sense of superiority and tendency to brag about her skills is a consistent character trait of hers. But she never manages to truly back up her arrogant attitude but comes off as weak and overall irrelevant, which is yet another thing that makes her an unlikeable character in the eyes of the audience. In the war she also insults Tsunade, the one who taught her, while boasting how she is better than her like she’s some badass when she is far from it. When has she created her own jutsu or made anything revolutionary? During the same chapter she also brags how she’s gonna steal the Hokage seat from Naruto. Yes Naruto, the guy who keeps saving her useless ass all the time.

Speaking of Kakashi, he is a character that Kishimoto used in his writing as someone who treats Sakura with kid gloves and coddles her. This is one reason why some people defend her character, and why some people ship the two of them. If you’re a Sakura stan, it must feel validating when some character constantly defends your fave’s stupid behavior. But Kakashi is someone who not only admits to not understand Sasuke, but also someone who clearly doesn’t understand Sakura, as we see from the earlier image how Sakura’s behavior contradicts with Kakashi’s claims since the beginning. Basically, if you need to know how Sakura really is like, just flip what Kakashi says about her and you’ll know. Since Sakura is part of the main team, Kishimoto needed some character to defend her behavior so she wouldn’t be confronted about it too much. But smart readers aren’t fooled. It’s also worth noting that Kakashi tells Sasuke Sakura still loves him despite the fact Sasuke tried to kill her, while conveniently omitting the fact Sakura went there to kill Sasuke herself. This makes Kakashi look hypocritical but Kishimoto needed some character to do this because of Boruto, and it’s not like he was gonna use Naruto, the one he himself called Sasuke’s ally.

Then we have Sakura’s hypocritical behavior, that Kishimoto also consistently portrayed. During Sakura and Ino’s match, Sakura says Ino is a girl who is focused only on her looks and that she wouldn’t want to be on the same level with her, despite the fact Sakura herself was shown brushing her hair in the Forest of Death and getting dragged for her vanity. She also got upset and hit Naruto when he tried to pee in front of her, saying she’s a lady, yet thought to herself how she would like to see Sasuke pee in front of her. When trying to plead to Sasuke to not go, Sakura says revenge won’t bring anyone happiness, but when it doesn’t work she flips completely on what she said and asks Sasuke to take her with him so she can help him. Even if she acts like she cares about Sasuke’s well-being, what she really cares about are her own feelings. Sasuke unsurprisingly finds this annoying as do many readers. Sakura makes fun of Naruto and insults him, yet gets enraged when Sai calls her names and she proceeds to hit both him and Naruto. She also gets mad at Konohamaru and Naruto for their sexy no jutsus, yet when Konohamaru showed her hot boys naked, one of them being Sasuke, she went all gaga over it.

Sakura is also introduced as a bully who beats Naruto up and mocks him in front of Sasuke who then proceeds to call her out on her terrible behavior. In this chapter, Kishimoto made Sakura call Naruto ”annoying” and then made Sasuke throw her own insult back at her when Sakura mocked Naruto, by calling her annoying. Something that is worth noting is that while Sakura also reacted to Lee badly at first, after he saved her she didn’t do anything bad to him anymore. Yet while she later realizes she was wrong about Naruto’s resolve, and that he cheers for her when she needs it, and that he saved her countless times, she keeps beating him up over nothing and berating him. She still keeps calling him stupid and acting like she knows better. This is why whenever she cries for him, it’s hard to feel any liking to her, because she comes off as more like a poser who will surely soon bash his head in if he dares to behave like himself, or drop him for the sake of Sasuke. Her treatment of Naruto is unreasonably bad at times, but it’s easily explained. In the beginning we find out Sakura dislikes Naruto because she thinks he comes between her and Sasuke. And we see many instances where this notion is amplified by the text. But Sakura is too delusional to understand the reason there is distance between her and Sasuke is simply because Sasuke isn’t interested in her, she’s too shallow and juvenile for him to pay attention to.

Her fake confessing to Naruto and trying to manipulate him made a lot of people lose all respect for her. She also showed she knew so little of Naruto she accidentally managed to tap into all of his insecurities in her confession. She also somehow believed Naruto was really chasing Sasuke for her sake and that he would give up if she offered herself to him.

Her second confession to Sasuke is also very telling of her jealousy of Naruto and Sasuke’s bond. She yells how she can’t exchange blows with Sasuke, how she can’t get close to him, how the only thing she can do is cry and beg. Considering how Naruto is the one who is about to exhange blows with Sasuke yet again, and how Sasuke after their fight talks about how Naruto kept coming closer to him, Sakura is clearly thinking of Naruto when she is having this meltdown. Sakura was shown to be jealous of Naruto’s improvement and skills in Part 1, but she is also jealous of Sasuke’s care and love for Naruto, which she wants for herself and thinks she is entitled to. Even at the start, Kishimoto said Sakura thinks Naruto stole Sasuke’s first kiss which she thought belonged to her. It’s no different at the end of the series. Her outburst is her fighting for what she thinks is rightfully hers, Sasuke, despite the fact he has given no indication that he loves her. But this makes sense. Afterall, we see Sarada come between Ino and Sasuke while Sakura laughs nervously in the background. Despite everything Ino has done for Sakura’s sake, she still sees her as a threat, to the point her own kid is doing the dirty work for her.

Let’s talk more about Sakura’s relationship, or lack there of, with Sasuke. We know Sakura was portrayed like any other fangirl of Sasuke in the beginning, who liked his looks and how cool he was. She never tried to approach Sasuke as a friend but only kept asking him on dates despite his blatant rejections. She never says why she loves him, or even likes him. According to herself Sasuke never says anything to her. Her first confession showed how little she understood Sasuke. She was the girl with everything, with family, while Sasuke and Naruto had nothing. Yet she had the nerve to say if Sasuke left she would be just as lonely as he was. She’s comparing the massacre of Sasuke’s family to a boy she never talks to leaving her, while disrespecting her own parents in the process. How juvenile that must have sounded like to someone like Sasuke. In Part 1 Sasuke occassionally protects Sakura because she’s too weak to protect herself, and in part 2 Sakura probably wanted to entertain the thought Sasuke would still have this consideration for her. But in Part 2 Sasuke treats Sakura like a fodder ninja. She doesn’t manage to get a proper reaction out of Sasuke who focuses on Naruto everytime he meets up with his former team. Sasuke also leaves Sakura to die couple times while choosing to save Naruto instead. Despite all this, Sakura still thought she’s entitled to Sasuke, and in her second confession she started to yet again scream how much she loves Sasuke and how much she hurts due to it. In both of her confessions she is guilt tripping Sasuke and trying to make him pity her. In both of her confessions she makes everything about herself. She admits to herself she can’t do anything for Sasuke, yet she tries to win him over by pity. But she annoys Sasuke once again, and he puts her in a murder genjutsu. Sasuke then says they have no reason to love each other. And he’s right. What does Sakura know about Sasuke? Clearly nothing, considering she said the worst things she could have said during both of her confessions. She heard Sasuke talk about wanting change, yet she started to scream how if Sasuke stays with her, things can go back to how they were. It’s like the most basic things she doesn’t understand. She’s just an overemotional child who has nothing of worth to say. Kakashi who coddles her tries to talk to Sasuke on her behalf as well, insisting Sakura suffers for loving him. Sasuke then thinks of his family and says perhaps those are ties to a failed past. As in Sakura literally lives in the past. And she does. Despite the fact everything has changed, she thinks about the moment when Sasuke thanked her, and ignores him calling her annoying for her ignorant comments, or the fact someone who wants change obviously doesn’t want to go back to the way things were. This brutal rejection though still won’t slow Sakura down, but after Sasuke is leaving to his atonement trip Sakura blushes like a school girl and asks to come with him. After him mocking her and putting her in a genjutsu, this is what she does.

And Kishimoto still won’t stop there. After all of Sakura’s boasting that ended in failure, after the brutal genjutsu and her being made mostly irrelevant, we see her destroy her own house because her kid asked about her marriage with Sasuke and she got insecure. I have to ask how do some people not realize Kishimoto despises Sakura and writes her as a terrible person? She is a bad daughter who doesn’t understand how lucky she is but is ready to ditch her parents for an indifferent boy’s sake. She is a bad student who disrespects Tsunade for no reason. She is a bad friend who treats Ino and Naruto badly out of insecurity. She is a bad person who treats the target of her crush like an object instead of a person. She is a bad shinobi as well who is most of the time a liability. And she is a bad mother as well. When she’s insisting to Sarada that Sasuke cares about them, she’s sweating and looking nervous, she’s clearly not confident in what she says. Kishimoto also drops two implications that Sasuke never kissed Sakura. Because that is apparently important for us to know. Sakura then tries to insist a forehead poke is better than a kiss. Yet when Sasuke is leaving, she is waiting for a kiss and not a poke. And she is rejected, and looks like a wet rag just like everytime Sasuke rejected her before ever since she was a kid. It’s hard to think of a female character that is more pathetic than her.

And yet, we have SS insisting Sasuke surely knew Sakura could take care of herself, that’s why he left her to die and saved Naruto instead, who didn’t need saving. Surely Sasuke thinks about Sakura as an individual and not just a member of team 7. Despite the fact we have never seen Sasuke think about Sakura outside of team 7 context nor say anything about what he likes and admires about Sakura. Surely Sakura is the most important person to Sasuke, that’s why Kishi wrote Sasuke say to Hagoromo, to Naruto and to himself that Naruto is the only one he still cares about. That’s why Kishimoto wrote Sasuke say Naruto is the only one who never gave up on him. That’s why he wrote Sasuke say Naruto alone saved him. Despite the fact Sakura wanted to be part of saving Sasuke with Naruto, Kishimoto would never let her. Because he doesn’t like her, or SS.

As a final note, a lot of the manga revolved around the importance of family and bonds, yet Sakura, the girl who had parents unlike the rest of her team, is shown to disrespect them everytime she brings them up. And she’s never redeemed on this. This is also intentional from Kishimoto, of course. Sakura is too selfish, too ungrateful and shallow to understand what she has. She’d rather chase a guy who keeps rejecting her like he’s some trophy she owns, all the while trivializing his pain over the loss of his family, by acting like she understands. And she’s ready to throw away her parents, her friends, and her dignity for the sake of this guy who was never interested in her. What’s worst is she had many opportunities to change and mature, yet she choose not to. And thus she remained the same self centred, superficial person she always was.

Actually this is the final note: @sneezemonster15 is a co-creator of this post. She has also talked about Sakura on her blog, for example that war arc part here. Another example is here (but you can just generally go through her anti-sakura tag). But I wanted all this on one big text since certain people are very stubborn about us “picking” supposedly minor things to bash Sakura for when this is throughout the whole manga. And since tumblr doesn’t let her add more than 10 images to a post for some reason I decided to write this down.

[veliseraptor]

September Reading Recap

A little late but it's still October! so it counts.

The Language of the Night: Essays on Fantasy and Science Fiction by Ursula K. Le Guin. I have read less Ursula K. Le Guin than I perhaps should have, but I wanted to read these essays by her anyway, and I found them rewarding. I don't read a lot of essay collections by authors, which is funny because what I have read I've really enjoyed, but perhaps that's just because I'm picky. I particularly enjoyed the way that "Is Gender Necessary?" had the original essay with Le Guin's revisions/later thoughts side by side - it felt appealingly honest and good to have the portrayal of a writer's developing opinions and willingness to revise her perspective with time.

The Monkey and the Monk: An Abridgment of The Journey to the West by Wu Cheng'en, trans. by Anthony Yu. I would still like to read the unabridged Journey to the West at some point, but I'm a little intimidated mostly by the problem of getting access to the, what, four volumes that it occupies (by the same translator)? My library doesn't have them. So this was a start. And I enjoyed it! I wish there had been more translator's notes, though. I feel like I could've gotten more out of it with more information/context that I don't have. But just on its own, it's a series of good stories, many of which can be accurately described as "a romp." I imagine the unabridged version has more of those coveted "translator's notes" since I think the assumption is that a more generalized audience reading an abridged version wouldn't want those.

To Shape a Dragon's Breath by Moniquill Blackgoose. I'm apparently reading some "magic school" books, which is surprising given that it's not a genre I'm predisposed to be drawn to. But this one came with a recommendation, and looked like it would be interesting. It doesn't quite match up to the Scholomance series in terms of how much I enjoyed it, but it was good enough that I'll be following it into the sequels.

The Ratline: Love, Lies, and Justice on the Trail of a Nazi Fugitive by Philippe Sands. This book would've been better if it didn't try to combine two stories in one, which it kind of did. One was about the life (and death) of a particular Nazi, while the other was about the way that one of that Nazi's descendants has responded to his father's legacy. It's possible they could've been tied together better, but I think it would've been a stronger book focusing on one or the other. (Though the latter was already an article.) Still, it was well written, and the first half in particular was compelling; it just lagged a little in the last quarter or so.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon. I've been meaning to read this book for ages and am trying a new thing where I attempt to rotate through genres (or at least, I was; I've kind of fallen off it for the moment). Which means actually reading some of the realistic fiction on my shelf. It was a very good novel, though I felt like the last third overstayed its welcome somewhat. The part taking place during the Golden Age of comics was easily my favorite. I don't know how much I like Michael Chabon's prose, but his storytelling is strong.

Forge of Darkness by Steven Erikson. Another one I've been meaning to read for a long time. I feel like the role of the siblings (Andarist, Silchas Ruin, and Anomander Rake) was somewhat overstated by the back copy, and they (and their relationships with each other) was really what I wanted more of from this. But it was still a good read, and made me want to reread Malazan: Book of the Fallen, which would be a hell of an undertaking but one I might do in the somewhat near future anyways. Any prequel that makes me want to reread the series it's prequelling is doing something right, I think.

Ballad of Sword and Wine (Qiang Jin Jiu) vol. 2 by Tang Jiu Qing. Still really enjoying rereading this. The political intrigue continues to be choice, and the tension/banter between Shen Zechuan and Xiao Chiye is delightful to read. It's interesting, because I feel like this is one of a handful of cnovels that I've read where I feel like I'm not reading for the tropes so much as I'm reading for the plot itself, which is just an interesting contrast.

Beauty is a Wound by Eka Kurniawan. This was an...interesting...book, but unfortunately the thing that sticks out to me most about it was that there was kind of a lot of rape. And perhaps that was part of the point, part of what this book was saying about the history of Indonesia, but it certainly made for some rough reading. I think this is a book where I'd be interested in reading commentary and analysis, though, which does say something positive about it - a book that provides me with some kind of food for thought is one that is worth something, regardless of my "positive" or "negative" feelings about it.

High Holidays season means a lot of time for reading, as does a depressive episode that has me desperately seeking distractions. I'm currently reading Seven Surrenders by Ada Palmer, but I have a number of books on deck, including Black Mouth by Ronald Malfi and The Daughter of Doctor Moreau by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. I'm also probably going to end up reading Alien Clay by Adrian Tchaikovsky, though I might do a Jeff Vandermeer instead (A Peculiar Peril or Dead Astronauts).

and while I have no lack of things to read: I'm still looking for recommendations for horror and mystery books! If anyone has any, please let me know.

[f-imaginings]

i was gonna write a small comment on one of your posts then i realized how intense i had gotten into this text, i really hope this isnt too concerning to get such a lengthy message, so my genuine apologies for this😅🙏

okie first off— oh my word, i just might tear up over hearing you’re plotting a sequel haha🤧 despite that, i seriously can not for the life of me fully express just how tragically poetic KMKY is written. i CAN. NOT. stress that enough. truly.. like i literally tell myself & some fellas aaall the time how i so desperately NEED to get off my bum and write a looong meaningful essay over your work (and for canon gravity falls’ story lol). i don’t mean to get out of hand and ramble but really, the full on complexity of ford & bill’s dynamic (canon or au) plus with certain canon events being extended in your perspective is just..ughh woww!!😫 the way you articulate both ford & bill’s internal struggles with themselves and towards one another throughout the whole timeline of events and with how they really aren’t so different from each another. how they both strive for similar goals of ‘changing the world for the better. how they find strange solace in one another for being outcasts in their own societies. how (possibly) this is one of, if not the first time, bill had someone ACTUALLY fully accept and worship him back, regardless of his form. how they have endless conflicting thoughts and feelings constantly churning away in their brain, admitted or not. how bill is taking in every single new experience in a human vessel (an all-knowing immortal inter dimensional being is shown something NEW? by a mortal human being no less??? ohhh lord how i lose my mind over that, i could probably write an essay on that concept alone!🫡). and unfortunately, how both of their faults lead to ultimate consequences for anyone and everyone involved. goddamn, id be lying through my teeth if i said this fic hasn’t highly enlightened me wayy more for these troubled souls (canon or au). oh gosh i cant help but gush over this fic, ive reread it too many times to count. in all seriousness, your work has changed me very deeply 🫣💛

It is not at all concerning I'm delighted to get such a long thought out lovely ask about the fic!

I'm so glad it's brought you lots of joy and that you've had fun with how complex the characters get to be. I am sure you can tell haha but I love all the characters of Gravity Falls and want to do them justice, so the fact that people are vibing with how they're portrayed in my fic makes me very happy.

Ford and Bill are so similar and the story is littered with about a billion narrative foils to reinforce the themes of the fic. In the latest chapter I'm working on rn Ford's narrative foils in particular are a lot of fun to explore (Stanley obviously, and Dipper and Mabel too, but he's had a few narrative foils, like Antelias's worshipper Ingénue and Sandeep) but Bill gets some fun ones too (Zippy, Mabel, Pyronica) and as the main pairing their circumstances always revolve around the other.

I cannot tell you how excited I am about the sequel tbh. My notes app on my phone is full of plot points for it that will hopefully A) make y'all laugh a bunch (they made me laugh a lot so hopefully) B) tie up any loose threads from KMKY (though I don't plan on leaving a lot of them floating in the ether) and C) hopefully be a believable journey to a sort of redemption that won't feel forced for any of the characters. I want you all to believe that this is the logical progression for things if the circumstance in the sequel actually came to pass, I want it to be like that feeling of dawning realisation, accountability and wonder, that things really can change, so the readers can feel all the story beats that the characters feel when it happens. I want it to untangle the conflicted feelings they would all be left with by the end of KMKY. I know that through the course of KMKY they've all developed into their own versions of the characters in the show, but hopefully they're still recognisable to show fans. I'd want people to be able to read the fic and go 'yep that's them' even if they haven't read all 1 million words of KMKY haha. Anyway I can't ramble too much bc I don't want to spoil anything for y'all but I can promise it will be good.

Thank you for enjoying the fic so much and sticking it out with me. The encouragement you provide helps me write and put out my best work (because I want to impress everyone who enjoyed the fic and believed in me as a writer) so best believe that there will be some enthusiastic dedications next chapter in the authors notes.

[mechacringekitty]

incredibly messy essay of my thoughts on darkstalker, straight from my DMs with a friend because they demanded i post it [which means it has incredibly improper grammar]

hes an awful awful person, unapolagetically, and i think there are scenes and areas where he could've been written better. or had more nuance, like his dynamic with arctic [why do they hate each other ?? theres no explanation given, really, besides the fact that they do] but people who reduce him to a monster just baffle me. he loved his mother, he loved whiteout, he tried to love clearsight even though he did it wrong. and clearsight/darkstalker is a really iffy territory, because he did love her and he thought he was loving her right but he wasnt he was kind of controlling and bad! the earrings !! the earrings that kept her from seeing the bad futures !! but he also loved her, he did. their relationship was doomed from the start but he tried. she loved him back too, thats why it didnt work. thats why it hurt so much. he loved his mother too,, the few brief interactions they got in arc 2 hurt me to my core because fuck foeslayer loved him too, even though she realises he's done bad things. and whiteout!! whiteout!! she's one of the only characters we see darkstalker actually properly caring about in a way that doesnt really hurt them somehow. i think she loved him too,, she tried to warn him, she did :( ive thought about them a lot, maybe darkstalker trying to calm whiteout down at times, or them hiding with each other while arctic and foeslayer fought. arctic and foeslayer make me really ill too but this rant is getting long enough as it is. darkstalker lost a little of his pizzazz in arc two because of how domination focused he was and the writing went more focused on making him this evil, hateable villain [imo] than a relatable and understandable villain. which is the best kind of villain. i hate the peacemaker thing i hate it i hate it and that scene in book ten makes me cry every time because he was hurt by it he was so hurt by it. he didnt need a second chance, he needed to die, he needed to reconcile with himself and accept that there was no way he would ever save any of it. something like him coming to his senses, him realising everything he's done is awful and hurtful and he's not ever going to be able to fix it, but he can at least apologise even if the icewings dont accept his apology, not all of them, they'll understand they havent been hating a monster without feelings this whole time,, and maybe some of them can start to understand him and they can start to heal and they can stop hurting each other. but he needed to die and it needed to be on his own terms and i think foeslayer shouldve gotten her peace with that and i think if i were here i wouldve chosen to die too. the world is so different from what either of them knew and i would be tired of trying to change and i would be tired of trying to fix it and i think ending that legacy right there and right then with the two of them together wouldve been good. and maybe foeslayer can tell darkstalker she loves him - maybe she never had time when he was a kid - and maybe he can tell her too and they can leave that world together with the knowledge that they tried but they dont have to try anymore.

[wordyneonlights]

'And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you'

Welcome back to the inner workings of my mind!! This has been STUCK in my head since yesterday and I've finally gotten it all out. UGH.

Anyways, hope you enjoy this... whatever this is.

1.3k words by the way

You've made a mistake.

No... mistake is too small a word. Mistake is using salt instead of sugar; using the wrong 'there' in an essay; texting the wrong number; telling your mother anything about your love life

This was not a mistake, it was more accurate to say that you had royally fucked up.

Like the ginormous idiot you are, you'd gone and fallen in love.

And even that wasn't accurate enough, falling created the expectancy that you were going to be caught. You had crashed and burned into love if you wanted to get specific with it.

It hit you last week, when you were washing the dishes with him, hips bumping, silence you could sleep in surrounding the both of you.

You thought to yourself: 'I really wouldn't mind doing this everyday forever,'

Then you dropped your plate in the sink at the shock of your realisation.  Eliciting a laugh from him as he poked you with his elbow.

'You all right there?'  He had asked

And you laughed and nodded

'I've got an essay due tomorrow is all,'

'We can always pull an all nighter, run to the corner-store, put something scary on and speed run it,'

'My knight in shining armour,'

'And my favourite dragon,'

You'd rolled your eyes and he laughed making you laugh too and it had just been such a comfortable moment. So warm and safe, and you'd gone and ruined it all by falling in love.

The thing was, you wouldn't have minded as much if it hadn't taken you this long to even be friends with him.

He wasn't necessarily the most open person. A lot of people thought he was hostile, mean... you didn't think that.

OK fine that was a lie you had thought that, but you'd also bothered with getting to know him and he turned out to be the most sarcastically funny, kind, sweet, annoyingly handsome, person you'd ever known. But it had taken you two years to get to that point. And he hadn't dated anybody in the time you knew him.

You'd asked him once, if he was interested in romantic relationships, and he'd looked at you funny.

'Yeah,' he'd said, ' I'm just not looking right now,

'Aw, why not?'

'Tryna graduate first' he'd said poking your nose and shifting your face away from him

'Darn it, I thought I'd have a shot,'

Your heart had been hammering at that point, you had a crush on him by then but it wasn't exactly love, not yet.

He had given you a look but had been interuppted before he could say anything. You both didn't talk about it again.

You wished wholeheartedly that you had never met him (lies) or that you had at least, never fallen for him (more lies).

You were scheduled for one of your routine hangouts, at the local bar. Usually some of your other friends would have joined you but they had all bailed.

Maybe the universe was giving you some sort of sign? Maybe this was your chance to confess. You were quieter than usual as he drove you to the bar, staring out of the window.

"You alright?" he asked

"Uh huh," you responded

"We could always watch a movie or something, we don't have to go out,"

You nodded not really registering, his cologne smelt nicer than usual today, but then he always smelled nice.

"Are you sick or something?"

' Lovesick maybe,' you thought in your head.

"I mean don't get me wrong I appreciate the silence, but it is weird when you’re not annoying me about something,"

You rolled you eyes before smiling coyly, "Just admit you like hearing me talk," you said and he scoffed

"Never mind actually I preferred the quiet,"

You took this as a challenge obviously, and began chattering to him about the latest drama surrounding your favourite comic.

"So the fight's getting tense right, but he's got this super powerful being on his side but then his legs get sliced off and he has to jump into the god he's fighting and he almost gets devoured but then it gets eaten by his wall but then the wall eats his mom and-"

You rambled on before your voice fizzled out. You wanted to stop talking before you said something you'd regret. Besides, you were at the bar already.

You walked inside and sat on one of the outside tables. You sat in silence for about ten minutes, absently sipping your drink so you wouldn't talk.

Maybe if you confessed while drunk you could play it off as not that serious, at least it would be out there.

"Ok, what's the problem," he asked finally, and you raised your eyebrows

"What?"

"Are you sick? Did one of your 'faves' die again?"

"What, I-"

"Did that couple you were rooting for break up? Did you fail another paper?"

"Hey-"

"Are you-" his face blanched and your stomach dropped. Had he somehow figured it out? Your mouth went dry and you tried your best to look normal.

"Are you pregnant?"

...

...

Your mind went completely blank as you registered his face before you burst out into laughter.

"Pregnant?" you wheezed doubling over, "You think I'm pregnant!!"

Your laughter was so obnoxious you were getting weird looks but you didn't care. The absurdity of it all had you rolling.

"This is what i get for caring," he'd said blushing slightly after you had calmed down save for a few giggles every few minutes

"I can't believe you thought I was pregnant,"

"You weren't giving me much to work with," he muttered, "I was getting worried,"

"Rest assured i am not pregnant,"

Just hopelessly in love with you is all.

"Then what's wrong?" he asked, tone more serious

You hesitated, he was annoyingly perceptive. Maybe there was a possibility he already knew you were in love with him and was waiting for you to confess. Were you willing to take that chance?

"Just got some unexpected news is all," you said picking your words carefully

"Good news or bad news?"

"I'm not sure yet,"

"Well... as long as you’re not pregnant,"

"Why do you care so much?"

"I can barely deal with you and your period hormones," he teased rubbing his arm when you smacked him, "Pregnancy hormones would be a whole different beast,"

"Whatever, you’re stuck with me anyway,"

"Stuck with you huh?"

Your heart was drumming in your chest and you took another sip of your drink.

"You know... " I started, "There is actually something I wanted to say,"

"I think we've already established that,"

You felt queasy, and cleared your throat. You could feel yourself sweating as you built up your courage.

You have to say it, if not now then when? You can't be the sort of person who lives in regret, you can't be the kind of person who's scared of big conversations.

You steeled yourself, bringing your head up and looking him firmly in the eye.

"I love you,"

There, it was out, you'd said it, it was in the air, out in the open, the frequency of your voice had been registered as vibrations in his ear, he had heard you. You could tell because of the slight raise of his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I love you too, is that what you were so worked up about?"

You should have been happy, relieved almost but you weren't, your stomach twisted itself and you let out a shaky breath.

"No I mean I love you love you. I think you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, you make me laugh, you make me feel seen and I want to be with you as more than just friends. I love you in the way that they talk about in poetry and I can't keep hiding it from you anymore,"

You stopped talking eyes still on his.

You couldn't read his expression, his face had gone pale and his eyes were wide.

"I'm sorry," he started and your heart clenched, "I don't feel the same way,"

Oof, glad I am done with this. Just wanted to put it out there I suppose. Not sure I had a person in mind for this when I wrote it so I'll probably just tag a bunch of fandoms or whatever. Hope you enjoyed!!

Title is from the song: 'Something Stupid' by Frank and Nancy Sinatra

[rewritingcanon]

victoire weasley headcannons NOW pleaseee

YAS THE ONLY GIRL EVER!!!!

looks almost the exact same as her mum and has her mum’s personality (with a little bit of bill fused into her)

she has the oldest daughter mentality where she always needs to be StressedTM over something. even when she has nothing going on in life she will create an issue to be worried over. when she was younger this was hard for her to emotionally handle but she has gotten better at pretending she is sane over the years

this also led her to do med school. idk healer vic is something so personal for me. idk what exactly she’d be doing but i know it would be in the big buck areas. a dermatologist or a optometrist or a surgeon or something. she’s smart as hell.

very particular about presenting a good image for her family. she was the oldest weasley in the new generation and so she knew she had to present herself in a certain way, and she never thought she minded until she was suddenly 18 and having an identity crisis

furthermore, the rita skeeter incident with her and teddy nearly killed her. shes been through some traumatic shit but that was crossing the line

gets into so many fights with dominique because both of them are polar opposites and are jealous of each other for completely different reasons. dominique wishes she can fit into the mould like victoire so easily does, victoire wishes she could be as free and uncaring as dominique is. both don’t understand each other

HOWEVER victoire and dominique are the ultimate soulmates. it doesn’t matter how much they fight, they’re very close. dominique rants to her and sends her memes victoire can’t understand and victoire will still pay for dom’s meals when theyre out bcuz it doesn’t matter how old dominique is, she is still her little sister. and victoire retains every last piece of dom’s friendship group drama, and stalks them all on social media silently judging the shit out of them

no seriously victoire and dominique are The Siblings like the most important relationship in each others lives i could write essays on my hcs for their dynamic. ask me about headcanons for them specifically and i will go into LOTS of detail

anyways. victoire loves journalling in sparkly ink from wizard smiggle. is the type to write “heart diseases” in glittery pink aesthetic cursive.

she absolutely rocked the 2010s. probably had a minecraft streaming channel with teddy.

i have also made a huge amount of tedoire headcanons here so i will keep this post relatively free of them hehe

every song MARINA ever sings is about victoire tbh

she’s a ravenclaw to me, which made her a little insecure because everyone sort of assumed weasley = gryffindor, so she had to change her brand a little bit and establish herself as a delacour so people would lay off her. it helps that shes as insanely pretty as her mother

sucks ass at quidditch but no one will ever know because she graciously avoided flying at all costs (she can do enough to pass the compulsory flying classes but that is IT)

loves legally blond the movie

cosplays as annabeth chase for every fucking halloween party because she literally only has one costume and refuses to buy more

bisexual but she didnt know until she started dating teddy and liked them just as much when they would metamorph into a girl. then she started connecting all the dots… that one traumatising breakup with that friend who ditched her for their bf…. how all her fav songs are wlw songs… why she likes gina gershon from bound so much…

dressed like gwen stacy in the amazing spiderman movies. long socks. polished black high heels with straps. brown woollen vests and cream coloured shirts with frills. pink lip gloss. ALWAYS in headband season. very fem academia.

very outwardly polite and nice to other people but always retains a sense of distance. she wants to be close to people but she doesn’t know how to build those connections— she’s very scared of being hurt or betrayed so she sticks with people she’s already known before her walls went up.

used to be a little dictator when her, dom, and louis played games around shell cottage. she would make all the rules and be very strict about following it all. dom and louis were useless at games without her, because they couldnt make rules where there were stakes and it wasn’t fun without them. yknow, older sibling shenanigans.

pretended to be supportive but cried for three hours silently in her dorm when both dom and louis and ALL OF HER COUSINS were sorted into NOT ravenclaw

always mained princess peach in mario bros games and would get genuinely pissed when someone took her instead

reads booktok books… sorry… shes a STEM girlie…

secretly has a big appetite towards meat.. definitely not inherited from her dad… definitely not haha (she went vegetarian for nine months to try and stop herself and it literally almost killed her she was hangry all the time)

can speak french fluently and better than her siblings can

has like five beauxbatons penpals excluding the maternal cousins

this isn’t even all of them but i will leave her here for now. i LOVE VICTOIRE so so so much dawg..

[silversimp]

Extra Credit

Professor Erwin Smith x Fem Student Reader

4,092 words - nsfw - minors dni

If there was one thing you were certain of it was that no one was lying when they said college professors were nothing like highschool teachers. Especially in the case of your gorgeous history professor Erwin Smith. Light blue button up struggling to contain him, buttons straining over his built chest and white undershirt peeking out through the gaps. 

Everything about him was unbelievably hot, from the way he moved to the way his voice captured the whole room. Many classes you found yourself completely distracted by him, large arms holding textbooks and long fingers pointing at the words he'd written on the board. If it wasn't for his booming voice you'd probably miss more than half of what he was saying. The man really commanded his space, no one could stop themselves from listening to him. 

Unfortunately you didn't seem to be retaining enough information, he'd drawn a sad face next to the abysmal grade you'd gotten on his last quiz. You couldn't help but giggle a little at the thought of such a serious man drawing smiley faces on his graded assignments. He'd also jotted down at the bottom of the paper to meet him during his office hours when you had the chance, so you could make up the grade. 

Feeling very nervous about speaking one on one with the most beautiful man you've ever seen, you tried your best to seem chill as you waited for him outside his office door. You'd gotten to his office a few minutes early, when you knocked there had been no answer. So you waited. Waiting only made you feel even more nervous though. 

"Early, good girl" Erwin smiled as he walked up to you, inside you wanted to scream. Unable to look him in the eye as you greeted him, your vision hit the floor, slowly working up to his face. His slacks were a little too tight and putting his thigh muscles on display, the outline of his manhood made you quickly find something on the floor to look at while he unlocked his door, "come on in, I have a few extra credit options for you." 

"Thank you," it came out a mumble as you stepped inside the office, Erwin closing and locking the door behind you made your heart hammer against your chest. There was obviously no dubious reason for him to do that, he probably just didn't want anyone walking in while he worked with you. That's all. 

"Please sit, I'll gather the options" he gestured to a chair for you before walking around his desk, rummaging through a drawer before pulling out a folder, "based on your previous work in my class, you'll probably prefer the essay" he said softly, looking over the contents of the folder as he sat down across from you, "but there's also the option to retake the quiz entirely." 

"Essay about what?" You watched his hands, they moved so solidly across the papers. Blue veins like raging rivers down his forearms, a simple watch hugging his thick wrist. 

"I have a list here" he handed you a paper, seven different essay questions from the last three chapters you'd been working on in class, "pick whichever you'd like. Three pages and due by Monday, please." 

You had a busy weekend already, trying to add this paper to the list felt a bit daunting, "maybe it would be easier to retake the quiz" you looked up, the man was loosening his tie as he leaned back in his chair. You felt every hair on your body stand at attention, "I don't have a lot of extra time to work on this" your voice shaking as you placed the paper down on the desk. 

"We could do a retake on Tuesday" he leafed through a planner that had been sitting neatly in front of him, "or you could earn the grade another way, today." 

Your face heated up, his tone had been completely neutral but it didn't stop your mind from finding the dirtiest option imaginable. You stared at him for a moment, Erwin still looking through his planner. There was no way your hot professor was actually propositioning you for sex for a better grade. That had to just be your mind going wild with ridiculous fantasies. 

"Unless you're busy today as well" he closed the planner and looked back at you, though his voice was normal his eyes weren't. Lust and desire swimming in pools of blue, slowly being eaten up by his pupils. Your face was going red, still trying to rationalize that this wasn't actually happening. 

"Do you want me to take the quiz again now?" You asked quietly, worried if you spoke any louder you wouldn't be able to keep the words steady. A chuckle escaped him as he pulled at his tie again, this time fully removing it before tossing it on his desk. Your mouth watered as he undid his top two buttons, a lazy smile on his lips. 

"Sorry I'm all out of copies at the moment, I was thinking my lesson must not have stuck with you well enough. I'm willing to use this time now to go over the chapters" Erwin spoke slowly, deep voice rather quiet compared to how loudly he spoke in class. You tried to inconspicuously wipe your sweaty hands off on your leggings, feeling extra stupid for thinking he'd meant anything other than something actually educational. 

"Yeah, I don't have any other classes for today" you tried to relax, pleased to be getting some extra attention from your professor but still nervous as all hell. 

"Wonderful," he smiled before sitting up straight. You watched as he gathered up some papers from the lessons, "now," he cleared his throat and pushed back on his chair away from the desk, "come here" Erwin gestured to the space between him and the desk. Puzzled you slowly stood up, face going hot again as you saw him eye you from head to toe then back up again. 

"Should I take the chair?" You asked nervously, he shook his head no and you slowly walked around the solid wooden desk, standing awkwardly in front of him you couldn't find the strength to look at his face. 

"On your knees" a gruff whisper that you weren't sure actually escaped him or if your mind was playing twisted tricks on you. 

"Pardon?" You looked at him, his bottom lip between his teeth as he sat back in his desk chair. Erwin's eyes were still slowly tracing your body, one hand resting on his strong thigh while the other was gently touching the growing tent in his slacks. 

"Get down on your knees" he said louder this time, eyes meeting yours. Your head spun for a moment, either you were having the most vivid amazing dream of your life or you had died and gone to heaven. There was no way any of it was real. After a few blinks you obeyed, sitting back on your heels and looking up at him with rosy cheeks. 

"Like this?" You felt the words leave your lips but you weren't sure any sound actually came out. 

"Very good" he cooed, you watched in awe as he undid his belt then pants. The fabric was fighting tooth and nail to keep his erection contained, it relaxed as he freed himself. Big. That's all you could think as you watched him slowly stroke his cock. He cleared his throat before scooting his chair closer to you, "you're going to use your mouth, go nice and slow and listen to me okay?" His words were like honey, cock standing proud a few inches from your face. 

"Yes sir" you mumbled before sitting up a bit, getting a better angle to try to fit the monster in your mouth. A pleased sigh passed through his lips as your mouth enveloped the head of his cock. 

"Good girl," he purred, one his large hands tangled in your hair. He gently patted your head as you began sucking in as much of him as you could, remembering to move slowly as he asked. A few quiet breaths before he began speaking, "now let's go over the Renaissance" you continued slowly sucking on his cock, one hand keeping your balance on his knee while the other pumped the bottom half of his cock. 

Erwin sat still, keeping his reactions to you at a minimum as he spoke. He reassured you every now and then that you were doing a great job, he'd comb his fingers through your hair as he spoke. You still weren't sure this was actually happening. 

"You got the section on humanism incorrect as well" he used his free hand to look over your quiz, "do you remember when we went over classical antiquity?" He looked down at you, your eyes met and he shivered. You felt his cock twitch against your tongue, you nodded yes as you continued sucking and looking up into his eyes. Blue completely gone now. He let out a small sigh and hung his head back, enjoying your mouth for a moment before continuing his lesson. 

The heat between your thighs was becoming unbearable. You found using the heel of your shoe to rub yourself on was good enough for the moment, but god did you want to put what was in your mouth down there instead. You listened to him speak, his voice sounded so sexy and rough as he went on with his lesson. Every few words his breath was a little shaky, but he still wasn't reacting much. You wondered if he would at all, if he'd let you hear him moan in ecstasy or if he'd be just as serious looking when he finally finished. 

"The goal of the Italian Renaissance humanists of the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries was the study of the humanities, is the main take away from that section" he said lowly, his hand in your hair moved down until the palm was at the base of your skull, "you've done so well, but I want you take in more" he pushed your head down, forcing more of his length into your mouth. You gagged as the tip entered your throat, "good girl, just like that" he purred. 

He kept pushing you down lower for a few more minutes, releasing you to let you breathe. You caught your breath and looked up at him, his hand slowly stroking his dick wet with your spit. You quickly took over, lips back around his girth as he hummed happily. 

"You're such an excellent student" he held your head with both hands, "this is the first quiz you haven't passed" he thrust into your mouth, forcing his entire length into your throat making you choke, "just relax, there you go" he grunted as he fucked into your mouth before letting go and letting you take control again, "you can go a little faster, I'm almost done here" Erwin returned his attention to your quiz as tears streamed down your cheeks, throat burning a bit as you swallowed excess spit. 

Swallowing around his cock made him moan unexpectedly, his hand over his mouth like he hadn't meant to only made it sexier. You wanted to make him moan more, desperate to make him unravel. The thought this could end with you bent over his desk and fully stuffed with his cock had you rocking your hips against your heel even harder. 

"You did well on the art section, so I'll skip that one" his breathing was getting more erratic, but he was holding onto that neutral tone still, "let's go over the technology section now." 

You continued bobbing on his cock, taking him until your throat couldn't handle it anymore before popping off the tip. With how much your mouth was watering for him, his cock was dripping with your spit. It was rolling down his shaft and over your hands, a small puddle forming on his boxers covering his balls. God his balls, you wanted to take his pants completely off so you could them. They were big too, you could tell through his underwear. 

"Sir?" You interrupted him, breathing heavy as you looked up at him through wet lashes. He chewed his bottom lip and looked down at you, hand still stroking his cock as you figured out how to say your thoughts aloud. 

"I want to suck on your balls too" you whispered, struggling to maintain eye contact but knew you wanted to see his reaction to your words. For good reason too, the question certainly riled him up. His eyes went wide for a moment, a smile pulled the corners of his lips up as he mulled over a response. 

"Answer a few questions and I'll let you" Erwin exhaled, "what's an arquebus?" 

"It's a gun" you answered, hand still stroking his spit covered cock. 

"I need more than that for full points" he chuckled. 

"It's a musket that was first used by the ottoman empire in the fifteenth century" you said softly, eyes trained in his cock as you watched your hand move up his entire length then back down again. 

"Good girl" he smiled, "name another gun, this one from sixteenth century, and I'll let you suck my balls" Erwin purred. 

"Um," you thought for a moment while you watched his length in your palm, "the grenade musket?" You looked up at him unsure. 

"You're listening so well" he smiled wider, "here," he backed up his chair and stood up kicking off his shoes before fully removing his slacks and boxers. You watched as he folded them neatly and placed them on his desk, his erection drooling precum as he worked. You were right, his balls were large, they bounced against his thigh as he sat back down, "go one" he presented himself to you and you hungrily reveled in your earnings. 

Stroking his cock with one hand, you gripped his thigh for balance as you sucked one of his nuts into your mouth. Releasing it with a loud, wet pop before sucking on the other. Erwin gently played with your hair, watching his student diligently suck and lick at his tightening ball sack. 

"Just a bit more and then I'll have you answer a couple more questions" his voice was so deep and raspy, "if you get them all right I'll change your grade and I'll give you an extra reward for being such a good student for me today." 

Erwin finished the last of his lesson, face flushed and balls twitching for release in your hands. For a few moments he let out low groans as he watched you worshiping his cock, his large hands pushing your hair from your face so he could look into your eyes. 

"Good girl, just a little bit more then you have to swallow it all okay?" You nodded in understanding before dedicating yourself to making Erwin cum. Little moans and left his lips, his fingers raking through your hair trembled a bit as he got closer and closer to climax, "yes, just like that" he purred, voice rough and low, "such a good girl" he grunted, hands tightly gripping your hair in fists. He pushed you down as he thrusted up into your throat, thick bitter cum filling your mouth. You looked up at him with wet eyes, swallowing his large load as fast as you could before the excess could spill out. 

Erwin caught his breath, hands releasing your hair slowly. Strands that had broken in his tight grip clung to his skin as he leaned back, cock twitching between your lips. A few more spurts filled your mouth again before you finally removed it. Licking your lips you waited to find out what happens next, thrilled beyond belief at the wild sexy ideas rapidly churning in your mind. 

"Three questions, then your reward if you get them all correct" he smiled down at you, you nodded your head and waited with baited breath, "we'll just do vocabulary to make things easy, one: humanism." 

"A philosophy during the Renaissance that valued human thoughts and ideas. It led to the study of classical writings and art" you answered shakily, your heat desperate for whatever reward was in store for you. 

"Good, two: printing press" Erwin ran his fingers through his own hair, watching you look up at him needily. 

"A machine for reproducing written material with ink" your thighs trembled below you, you could feel the stick wetness in your panties squishing as you rubbed your legs together. 

"Three: indulgence" he chewed his lip, eyes fluttering closed as he waited for your answer. 

"A pardon that released someone from punishment for their sins" you whispered out the answer, awaiting the sinful reward you were bound to receive. 

"Very good" he stood up, cock half hard smacking against his thigh as he moved his chair, "remove your pants" he said over his shoulder as he pushed the chair against the wall. You did as requested, excited to feel him inside you, "elbows on the desk" he turned to face you as he finished unbuttoning his shirt, letting the cotton button up fall off his shoulders before he tugged off the white undershirt. You stood in awe of him for a moment, drinking in the sight of his beautifully chiseled body. 

You turned and pressed your elbows and palms on the desk, feeling a little nervous about his eyes on your exposed holes. You gasped as his large, warm hands gently ran down your ass then thighs. You heard him moving behind you, your eyes squeezed shut as you waited for him to do something. A surprised moan escaped you at the feeling of his tongue dragging over your slit, his thumb rubbing circles on your clit as he began a steady pace for lapping at your soaked cunt.

"Fuck" you breathed out, face pressed against the desk as Erwin earnestly devoured your pussy. He didn't let up as you trembled, his face pushing hard against you as he held your legs open, "oh my god!" You gasped as he inserted a finger, pushing deep inside you as he kept licking and sucking at your folds. He moved his finger inside you steadily faster and faster pulling whines and moans from your lips. 

"You taste delicious" he purred, breath hot against your wet skin. He leaned back to watch his finger disappearing inside you before adding a second, making you moan even louder, "quiet down a bit" he chuckled, "the room isn't sound proof" he got back to eating you as you tried, and failed, to keep your voice down. A few more loud moans, muffled a bit by your hands, left you before your pussy began spasming around his fingers just on the edge of climax. He chuckled as he pulled out of you, standing up he pressed the head of his cock against your hole. 

"Please Professor Smith" you begged, wiggling your ass impatiently, his strong hand holding your hip as he slowly impaled you, "amazing!" You mewled as his girth stretched you, a low groan left him once he was fully buried in you. 

"Ready?" He murmured, leaning down to kiss the back of your neck. 

"Yes, please fuck me sir!" You whined and he quickly gave it to you. His hips slamming into you over and over, large balls slapping your clit pulling back strings your arousal each time they swayed away again. Erwin held your waist tightly, gruff moans in the back of your neck as he filled you with his cock. 

"I'd love to have some more extra study sessions with you in the future" he purred in your ear as he slowed his hips, feeling your pussy trembling from your first orgasm, "I think it would really benefit you to have more one on one tutoring from me" he slammed in hard and stayed put, "right baby girl?" He kissed down the back of your neck as you whimpered out yes a few times. 

Large, hot hands feathered up your stomach under your shirt until he reached your breasts. His mouth still connected to your nape as he kneaded the supple flesh, his hips began slowly moving again. He thrusted slowly, fully to the hilt before pulling almost completely out again. He kept the slow pace for a few minutes as he murmured about how amazing it felt to be inside you. Erwin pulled you up with him as stood up a bit, hands still on your breasts as he fucked up into you. 

"Take your shirt off and sit on my desk" he breathed out as he released you. Head fuzzy and legs barely able to hold you up you did as he said, sitting completely bare on his desk Erwin smiled lazily and looked you up and down before standing between your thighs. He pulled your ass to the edge until your pussy hit his cock, "ready?" He smiled, inserting himself before you could even finish saying yes. You wrapped your legs around his hips as he fucked you, your hands holding his biceps as his hands wandered your exposed skin. 

"So good, so good!" You whined out, hanging your head back as the second orgasm washed over you. Erwin leaned down to kiss your throat, nipping gently at the skin as his hips slowed down again. He pushed you onto your back, hands squeezing your breasts as he watched his cock push into you. 

"I'm close" he whispered, grabbing your legs by the backs of your knees. Erwin pressed your knees to your chest, fucking as deep into you as he possibly could. Moving slowly to feel every inch of your insides as he could as you moaned and whimpered below him, body overheating and mind completely fucked dumb. A few more thrusts and he pushed all the way in, his cock twitching for release as he forced himself not to cum. Slowly he dragged out of you before exploding white ropes on your stomach and chest. 

Erwin let go of your legs and opened one of his drawers on the desk, pulling out a tissue box he attempted to clean you off. His hands shaking and eyes struggling to focus, tissues too weak to soak up the mess he'd made. 

"I'm sorry, just give me a moment" he mumbled, cock still drooling cum on his leg as he tried to focus. Instead he dropped to his knees and began eating you out again, overstimulation making it impossible to hold back your moaning. He licked up your slit then over your stomach, eating his seed off your skin as he slowly rose to his feet again. He murmured apologies as he licked you all over, getting distracted from the task of getting his cum off you to suck on your nipples. 

"Please, professor" you whined, head hung back as he fingered you and sucked on your breasts, "it's too much, I can't handle any more" you whimpered, hands pawing at his muscular back. 

"Just a little more" he smiled against your skin, "I'm getting hard again, do you think you can hold out for a little long?" You looked up at him through hazy eyes, Erwin was disheveled in the sexiest way imaginable. The thought that this man was so desperate to get his cock back inside you enough to make your pussy pulse around his fingers. 

"I can take it" you watched his eyes fill with delight as he stood up. 

"Thank you" he purred, "you're the best student I've ever had" his breath hitched as he pushed his cock back inside your overused hole, his shape still fucked into you he slid in easily. You let your professor have his way with you for another round, this one much shorter than the last. He at least had you suck him as he finished, cumming in your mouth required less cleanup. The two of you spent and panting, sitting on the floor of his office he pulled you into his wide chest, planting sloppy kisses on your cheek. 

"Professor Smith?" You swallowed nervously, the reality of it all hitting you. 

"Call me Erwin" he purred back, kissing down your neck. 

"Now what?" You held back a whine in reaction to his lips on your skin.

"Well," he sat up straight and cleared his throat, "why don't we schedule your extra study sessions for Fridays" he smiled, "you'll be a top student in no time." 

[lakeshorez]

An Anecdote of Asexuality, Autism, and Other Oddities.

i originally posted this absolute essay of a comment underneath Carseatheadrest’s song “It’s Only Sex for, obvious reasons, however - I figured possibly it would be helpful to post it here to reach more folks who may resonate. (The song is fire btw, y’all should check CSH out!!) Apologies for any grammar mishaps - I wrote this after waking up from a five-hour long nap prior to taking my meds (whoops), and my autism can make it difficult when writing long-form pieces like this.

This is merely a slightly unhinged vent-post that seemed to get out of hand as I continued to write it; mainly focusing upon my own struggles with intimacy and how society views it as a whole - my relationship with being asexual, and how my autism leads me to perceive the act of sex in a slightly altered light compared to most.

General content warnings for: surface-level mentions of sexual content (nothing too explicit, I promise.), and brief mentions of past trauma.

That being said - I introduce you all to a glimpse inside my thoughts - and hopefully - despite having few followers, lol - some of you can relate, understand, or hell, possibly even learn something new about yourselves!

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I’m 17 and although I’ve never been intimate nor do I have a partner - I’ve always felt immensely disconnected from most people’s allure towards intimacy since I find it weirdly “feral” in a way? Like, perceiving how aggressive people act within sexual scenarios with one another seems to put me off. As if they’re ’drunk off lust’ or something, being fully controlled by desire I guess? But to be fair, the only blatant exposure I’ve had to intimacy is through written text, along with hearing others’ testimonies on the manner. But, whenever I hear people going on about how they find it arousing when someone uses dirty talk I just feel weirdly— put off? I don’t know. Plus, I might be the only one who feels this way, but I absolutely despise the feeling of being in the act - more so the physical aspects of it. Sure, the closest I’ve had to actually being intimate is with by my own hand - but my point is, the sensations that are being absolutely overblown throughout the rest of your body; heavy breathing, sweating, a dazed mind, trembling limbs, etc - feel too overwhelming to me. I think I could be a result of me being autistic, and likely having heightened sensory impulses makes it feel so strange. But another thing I’ve noticed for me, is that the sensations feel eerily similar to when I’m upon the brink of a panic attack strangely enough. Not to mention how utterly tainted with filth I feel after the fact. Sure, I’ve tried to read articles upon articles on why sex and self pleasure is a natural occurrence - the health benefits and all - how it’s abnormal to feel ashamed or disconnected from the act, how I purely need to suck it up because if I dare express any destain from engaging in it, I’m considered a fault in the system. And yet, the internalized feelings of disconnect from my own body still linger, regardless how often I try to convince myself it’s normal.

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve sorta realized - perhaps it’s just not for me. Perhaps, I feel better when I’m not forcing myself to be someone I’m not? Or perhaps, what if all this time I’m merely lying to myself - what if my apathy and disgust regarding it was a result of unresolved childhood trauma? Perhaps made even more so of how I’ve never even held hands romantically with another human being. What if I’m wrong? Wrong about not understanding what all the hype is about — an unmoved fault in a sea of flirty playboy bunnies. I’m still trying to properly unpack a lot of what may have caused me to feel so strange about it, likely a large mess of factors; past trauma, growing under the watchful eye of a Christian mother, the fact I’m a pan trans guy- but I think one large part of it may be due to my autism. I’ve noticed, with a lot of basic tasks life throws at me, I always had a tendency to overanalyze and dissect a lot of things, sex included. I tend to view it in a very literal and logical light - sure, I can fully understand why people enjoy it, how they enjoy the emotional bond it creates, how they feel sparks from the bounds of pleasure that surge throughout their bodies - but other than that, I never can comprehend why people seem to place it on such a high pedestal? I could never quite comprehend why people put intimacy on the same level as eating, breathing, or even sleeping. I could never comprehend why people seemed to make such fusses over it. How my own mom couldn’t comprehend I don’t care much for the act, how people can’t physically accept the fact someone could live without it, as if the sensation itself is the elixir of life.

I feel whenever there’s conversations regarding the topic, autistic people such as myself tend to be left out of the conversations a whole lot. I suppose it’s unfortunately due to a whole slew of factors, such as infantilization; people viewing us as innocent children who’d never engage in something as adultery and taboo as sex because in their minds, we’re practically nothing more than overgrown children. However, I recall reading about how studies have shown that people assigned female at birth on average tend to have more nerve endings displayed around their reproductive organs - therefore, often feeling sexual sensations to a more heightened degree compared to our amab counterparts. However, I think it could also be linked to the discussion of being autistic and our feelings regarding intimacy. Since we tend to already have an intense heightened display of sensory inputs - primarily touch - I suppose it makes sense why I, and a lot of other afab autistic individuals feel like we’re on the brink of having a sensory overload when feeling any sexual stimulation. What would be considered as pleasurable to someone who isn’t autistic, could be interpreted as something almost painful to someone who is.

Whenever I try to learn on how to be more comfortable with the idea of intimacy, often the advice is so blatantly intended for non-autistic folk, along with taking on a very cisgendered-heteronormative view upon the matter as well. I’ve always felt extremely alienated when it came to talks about it and whatnot - mainly due to my autism, the fact I’m a trans pansexual dude, and past trauma relating to intimacy. Yet …in an odd way, whenever I browse through comment sections of videos on talks about intimacy and how to be an intimate partner, it’s like I’m seeing a glimpse in an alternate reality - a reality where everyone just seems to “get it”. A reality where not a single person ever had to cope with a horde of internalized mental struggles regarding such a topic, they openly state how much they enjoy being intimate with their partners, going into immense detail upon what makes them “tick” with tens of comments beneath them sharing that same anecdote. Cracking jokes and sharing their stories like it’s a normal Tuesday. And yet, part of me can’t help but feel like I’m an anomaly in an odd sense. Why regardless of how many sex-positive articles and videos I burn into my mind, I’ll constantly feel like I’m a flaw upon the system. How there’s always an eerily familiar contortion lodged deep within a pit in my stomach whenever the mere thought is brought up. How the nauseating pit only continues to expand itself - feeding off my utter discomfort, my inability to “get it”, like a spreading sickness that lacks no means of ending. But the pit never leaves, it just sits there within me. It only expands and contracts itself, constantly shifting its size and intensity to remind me of my abnormality. I can feel it deep within my body - I can feel its cruel weight make itself known whenever the topic of intimacy is brought up, whenever I feel that desire burn throughout my skin.

I suppose it’s why I felt like there was something wrong with me when I despised the sensations intimacy brought. Whenever I’d bring it up, I was told I was just a goddamn immature 17 year old who needed to ‘grow up’ and wait until I found a partner, then I’d finally “get it”. Then I’d finally understand what all the hype was about, then I’d finally feel whole. After all, being a virgin your whole life is something to be ashamed of, isn’t it? And yet, the closest thing I’ve had to experiencing any sexual stimulation is by my own hand - but even while I’m in the act, I can’t help but feel the overwhelming sensation of my heavy breathing, my heart throbbing at an unsteady rhythm, my limbs trembling, the almost burning sensation that only increases between my thighs until it boils over. And after? I feel disoriented. Like my mind is attempting to sew itself back together through trembling limbs and shaken breaths. And I want to cry. To sob, to clutch my shaken limbs around myself in a desperate means of granting myself comfort - I feel like I’m about to explode, with no other means to feel whole once again.

And despite it all, I often find myself wondering; “Why did nobody warn me about this?” Why didn’t they warn me of the intense barrage of sensations being thrown at my body in the most uneven hellish masses imaginable? Why didn’t they mention how my body would feel like it’s dying? After all, isn’t it guilty pleasure? A pleasure unmatched by anything granted by nature itself? A pleasure delectable as the sweetest honey, the closest thing to heaven humanity has acquired without the act of death. Shouldn’t it feel immaculate? Shouldn’t I feel satisfied? And yet, I lie between my disheveled bed sheets, clutching onto a pillow as heavy tears stain its fabric. And I can’t help but internally beat myself up over my emotions - why I feel so dejected and mentally shaken over a sensation that’s considered one of nature’s greatest gifts. How no matter how many times I mentally prepare myself to ‘fix’ my ongoing barrage of mental turmoil through watching videos of a person who clearly hasn’t felt the anguish I’m in explain in detail how to ‘enjoy’ the act. Assuming it comes naturally to anyone who watches, assuming that not a single person on the opposite side of the screen has ever felt such alienation from the rest of the human race over something that everyone just seems to magically have imbedded within their minds from birth. Assuming nobody is as utterly flawed as I am.

I suppose my detachment in regards to intimacy - even if it’s limited to merely touching myself once in a goddamn blue moon - has convinced me that I, in all my traumatized asexual autistic glory, would make one hell of a horrible partner. Who wants a partner who flinches at the slightest of touch, a partner who feels like they’re on the brink of a panic attack when the sensations get too intense for them to bear, who can’t stop hyperventilating and sobbing through thick and heavy tears as they try to soothe me like a distraught child, how dare I try and have my partner be some therapist for my issues…After all, that’s what a horrible partner does…right? A horrible partner doesn’t care for their spouse’s sexual needs - haven’t I heard of all those couples who break up because they couldn’t be satisfied in bed? How dare I try and insinuate that my future partner should settle for less, that they should live in an unfulfilling relationship unable to act upon a natural desire because I’m too utterly messed up to have it drilled into my thick skull that it’s normal. How dare I be so selfish.

It’s all I hear when I tell people I’m asexual, when I try and explain my autism physically does not allow me to think nor feel any different, how my entire being practically makes me feel differently around the entire discussion regarding intimacy. And yet, they express their worries and condolences. Not directed towards me, but to whatever future partner may interweave their fingers with mine someday. They mourn more intensely for that nonexistent entity over the person who’s standing in front of them in the flesh. They mourn for the fact that my future partner will have to somehow settle for less in their words, they try and convince me that merely granting my affection and love through hand-written notes and carefully crafted gifts and trinkets will never compare to the sheer raw intimacy sex can bring. How dare I insinuate that someone could be happy and fulfilled without such a need for something so natural, how dare I express one can feel fulfilled through other means that do not entail intimacy. How dare my sheer existence challenge their narrow mindset. How dare someone who chooses to become my spouse be understanding and grant me their compassionate empathy for simply being, how dare they feel fulfilled and satisfied by being granted affectionate notes and gifts over being touched by their beloved, how dare they “settle for less” and be content with simply experiencing the light of their partner through a clothed body. How dare they challenge the status quo for merely existing. It’s as if, people physically cannot fathom that someone can feel equally happy and fulfilled without the need for it. However, I suppose I don’t blame them - it’s everywhere you look. The expectancy to engage in it is practically being advertised and gossiped about in every corner of the world around them. As if feeling any distain or discomfort with the idea is an immediate challenge against something bigger. Like an act of rebellion, almost. But, am I being rebellious? How is me being some traumatized asexual autistic person on par with being some rebellious teenager? I’m not trying to challenge anything nor anyone, but it seems as if my sheer existence is already capable of doing that.

But hey, I guess you could say - it’s only sex :3 (I’m so sorry)

[kittyandco-archive]

i actually have no idea what to do right now [more info and an insight into how i've been feeling lately under the cut].

i've been trying to find a job for almost 10 months. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of slogging through applications and unfair job descriptions, changing my resume for the 50th time (or not and just mass applying), writing new cover letters (or not and just using the same one), researching companies to prepare for interviews for hours at a time, scrutinizing my every move and breath because i know that they're already doing it and it still isn't good enough. i'm almost 250 applications deep. many interviews that never amount to anything. it feels like i'm running out of jobs to even apply for. [trying to move beyond retail but even those are hit-or-miss] thinking about job applications and employment is basically a compulsion at this point and i WISH i could get it out of my head.

i am bored beyond belief. i hate how much time i've had to fill with just scrolling my dash or my youtube home feed when it's the same stuff on it over and over and over and not even deciding on anything to read/watch. how much time i've spend just... laying there. there have been times where it's just so hard to take care of myself, where i don't have much of anything motivating me.

my life has amounted to absolutely nothing (i know that isn't TRUE but it feels like it right now); i won't even reach any semblance of independence that i so desperately need anytime soon. i thought i could. i really thought i could succeed. i can't seem to move forward in any way at all. my two options are standing still or moving backwards. idk what to do. i've tried everything i can think of

it's gotten to the point where i'm either angry, sad, uncomfortable, or guilty all the time and i hate it so much. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm working on my personal projects, reading, or hanging out with my friends. that can only take me so far, too. because sometimes, especially with the reading and personal projects, it feels like an obligation to get my mind off stuff, rather than what i want to do. i just feel trapped in a small, small world.

i've just gone nonverbal for the past few hours. i can't even look my parent (the one who isn't constantly criticizing literally everything i do on top of everything going on and knowing how i've been feeling) in the face and say hello. i try. very hard. to not seem hopeless. but this happens a lot. i'm so irritated i just want to be ALONE for ONCE. i don't want to answer to anyone. i'm ready to just get away. i'm just so beaten down

i have editing and extensive writing experience so i've been thinking about opening paid requests to edit essays or other types of writing, or even fic commissions, but i know that it isn't even going to go anywhere. all anyone cares about is art anyway and i stopped posting my writing here long ago because of that. so i probably won't even bother

please don't comment with advice or questions about job applications or anything of the sort. no "something will come along" please... it's just so painful to hear now. when i say i've heard it all, TRUST ME. i do not want to hear it.

anyway i just wanted to get this out where others could see it but not in a one-on-one conversation, and not in the private pages of my journal. my journal is full of stuff just like this, and it makes me feel worse just continuing to fill it with spiraling of the same same same same same same because nothing ever changes for me

and finally, if one of you is going through the same thing, take solace. you aren't alone. you are loved despite how you feel

[baratiddyappreciator]

Giving the Baki Cast Massages (NSFW)

I couldn't resist, but also someone requested Chiharu get added to the roster, so like a good circus clow I'm going to jingle along and do as I am asked UwU. More long-form than the initial post because I like flexing my creative muscles when it comes to smut. NSFW under the cut, minors DNI, we don't fuck with you.

Chiharu:

You ask him if he wants a massage and it takes him a full three days to walk up to you and sheepishly admit that yeah, he would like a massage, actually. It would be really nice if you could do that for him pookie.

There's a lot of tension in his neck and shoulders, as well as his feet. He can usually deal with it just fine, the man is tough, but he really only thought about, you know, having himself be taken care of to get that tension released.

The second you get started, he starts moaning. The man is shameless, he'll just fully moan and whine. And much like Jack, one of the main struggles you'll face is just getting him to sit fucking still. Seriously, he'll wiggle the entire fucking time, while Jack might just sit after the first little bit, Chiharu will wiggle the entire. Fucking. Time.

Do you have to dig to get all the knots and tension out? Yeah. Are your arms going to hurt? Yeah. Is it worth it? Absolutely. He's your fidgety little shit and he greatly appreciates everything you do for him. Will he return the favour? He would love to! Should you let him? No lmao, he'll try very hard but he just will not do good, baby has no idea how to give someone a massage lmao.

NSFW ahead!

Baki: Initially, it had started with you sitting on his hips, your hands kneading at his firm and powerful muscles, which had tensed and relaxed beneath your fingertips in an almost rhythmic motion, had gone completely lax for quite some time. But between his humming and moaning and little wiggles, you'd gotten quite worked up yourself. He'd pretended not to know, of course, but when you leaned in, laying flat across his back, playfully humping him, he couldn't pretend not to know what effect he'd had on you anymore. So here you were, hands pressed against his chest now, kneading at the firm muscle beneath your palms as his cock repeatedly slid in and out of your sloppy hole, slick smeared across his hips and thighs as it dripped down his shaft.

He was bouncing you up and down on him like you were a doll that weighed nothing, and honestly, to him, you probably did weigh almost nothing, you knew that he was plenty strong enough to manhandle you like this. That was part of the appeal, wasn't it? His hips slammed into you, that sweet sticky spot that made you see stars was probably bruised, but it just felt so good. Most of you was simply propped up, even when you weren't doing the work, you were still getting the breath knocked out of you as he pounded into you from below, letting out short pants and grunts as his fingers dug into your hips.

"See baby? I said I'd return the favour!"

Kozue: Your hands had been working at her shoulders and neck for a while now as she worked on her essay. A few mistakes here and there that she hastily corrected, seeking out your advice in a few other spots, but once she'd finally had enough of working on her essay, she'd decided to put your hands to a better use, your fingers burried deep inside of her as she rode your hand and your thigh at the same time, the other cupping the base of her skull, her own hands gripping desperately at your shirt as she kissed you like her life depended on it, moaning and mewling softly. Your hands were starting to cramp from how much you'd been using them, but she wasn't done yet, surely would wouldn't leave her high and dry, right?

Her own hands slid up under your shirt to meet your chest, giving a gentle squeeze before she tweaked your nipples, her nails biting into your skin as she gently scratched down your chest towards your hips, her own rolling harder against your palm, your fingers scissoring inside of her as her walls fluttered around them, her orgasm clearly coming closer and closer, her soft moans growing more breathy, picking up in pitch and volume with each stroke of your fingers against the sweet spongy spot at the front of her cunt, slick practically pouring out of her onto your hand.

"Sorry about the mess, I just really needed a hand."

Hanayama: Very rarely did Hanayama let you grind on him this boldly unless it was the front of his thigh. You almost felt like you were committing a sin as you ground against his powerful back muscles, leaving a trail of arousal in your wake along his back tattoo, but he didn't seem to mind it at all, and it was doing more for getting a particular knot out of his back that your hands (and elbow) had for the past few minutes. He'd said to consider this a reward, and honestly, you would. How many people did you know that could get away with cumming on Hanayama's back? As far as you were aware, you were the only one that had had that special privilege so far.

He wasn't much help, simply laying there, glancing back at you out of the corner of his eye over his shoulder as your hand slid down your hips to meet your sex, deftly giving yourself that extra bit of stimulation as you ground harder into the spot that hadn't let up yet. He grunted, his hips shifting slightly, the muscle beneath you throbbing as your hips kept working. Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, harder and harder, faster and faster, your hand working in tandem with your hips for just that little bit more, before you were coming undone with a whine, trembling just as the knot in his back finally released, earning a low groan from the man beneath you.

"Well, aren't you a little miracle worker?"

Chiharu: A mess. He was a mess. Fidgetting and wiggling around non-stop, could you really be blamed for getting turned on with his constant wriggling against you? He caused this problem, and now he can fix it. You were just trying to be nice and help him with all that tension in his shoulders, and now look at what he did. Stupid Chiharu and his stupid wiggling. Oh but you could tell that he was sorry as he eagerly took you with his mouth, licking, sucking, kissing. He was doing such a pretty job too, those big dopey eyes of his locked on yours, so expressive. It was obvious that he didn't know what he did wrong in the slightest, but regardless, he was very sorry.

His hips rolled again, seeking friction, but a simple click of your tongue and a shove at his hip with your free hand had him giving up on that just yet. For now, he could put his mouth, normally reserved for talking a big game and getting him into trouble, to a much better use. He pulled away briefly to press a kiss to your hip, and while he could apologies as much as he wanted to, you knew that he wouldn't learn his lesson. Until he did, it wouldn't hurt to give him another massage and see if he picked up on his mistakes.

"Baby doll, please forgive me already, I'm working hard here!"

Katsumi: Things started out playfully and innocently. You'd just wanted to do something sweet for him, a simple shoulder rub and a cuddle, and now he had you face down, ass up, one of his hands wrapped around your throat as he pounded into you hard enough to make you see stars and forget your name, hissing some of the filthiest words you've ever heard come out of his mouth into your ear, his other hand between your legs, his touch teasing you to the point of madness. His futon was a mess, blankets strewn about everywhere, one of his pillows was on the other side of the room, long forgotten and abandoned until later when one of you would go over and pick it up.

His hips rolled towards the end of his thrusts, and if you'd been supporting your own weight, your legs would have simply stopped working by now, pleasure coursing through your system as his hand teased your most sensitive area in focused, slow rubs. He was going to be the death of you. You weren't even able to appreciate all your hard work as he leaned over you, your face shoved into his remaining pillow as he pounded into you from above. And all of this because you'd pinched him.

"That's it sugar, take it, I'm just giving back what you gave."

Jack: Your knees were pinned to your chest, baring you wide open for the massive blonde that was currently using you like a glorified pocket pussy, his hips were ruthless in their pursuit of bringing you pleasure, the sound of your skin meeting his was accompanied by a wet clap. If you'd have known that this was how he'd react to you biting his ear while you were massaging his neck, you might have had him lay down somewhere that wasn't the kitchen floor. The only thing between you and the hard tile floor was his sweater, previously laid out so his chest wouldn't get cold as he'd lain on the floor, though he insisted he didn't need it.

Each plunge of his cock sent a wave of pleasure shooting up your spine, his breaths coming out in short pants and grunts, though just as you were getting used to this, he paused for just a moment, pulling your legs to wrap around his waist as his face buried into the crook of your neck, a deep grow escaping him, your nails sinking into his shoulders as he rocked into you hard enough to make you have some semblance of a worried thought, a vague impression that you'd have imprints of the tiles on your back, that your hip would have a bruise from where it had hit the floor when he'd flipped you off of him to pin you down. His teeth closed gently around your bottom lip before he kissed you hungrily, his brutal and relentless pace not letting up.

"That's it honey, let me make you feel as good as you made me feel."

Kosho: His fingers had snared over your hands, holding them firmly in place as his hips rolled against yours, the wall at your back. Had you known that massaging his hands for him would have had this effect on him, you might have done it sooner. Each slow roll of his hips into yours were driving you crazy, hitting just the right spot to make you want to claw the skin on his back off and maul him right then and there, but your legs were, decidedly, not cooperating right at that moment, so instead of doing any of that, not that you could in the first place, you simply leaned in closer towards him, and he pressed his lips to your forehead with a sly smirk. If you wanted him to go faster, you'd have to provoke him, and that wasn't going to be easy to do.

Each whine or plea to leave your lips was blissfully ignored as he slowly pumped into you, each stroke hitting a different spot that had you rolling your eyes and thrashing against his powerful grip, desperate to tangle your fingers in his hair and pin him down so you could get off, but he was determined to take his time with this, make things slow and sweet, to have you shaking and sobbing against him out of sheer relief. He didn't need to fuck you dumb, after all, he could take his time and make you feel cherished.

"Don't worry baby, I've got you, you just sit back and relax."

Kureha: That had been a dangerous train of thought that you'd followed up on. You'd known it was risky to just walk up to him while he was at work and start massaging him. And now look at you? Staring at the door, which rocked up and down with your vision as Kureha fucked you on his desk, bent you over it's hard wooden surface and made you remember that you were his bitch and his alone. You dreaded the moment that someone walked in and saw you like this, imagining what it could spell for Kureha's reputation if someone caught him doing this to you during work hours. A hand covered your mouth, but only loosely. He wanted you to make noise, you could practically feel his cocky smirk, his hair trailing along the desk as he bent over you, hips slamming against yours.

You knew that you were making a small pool on his desk, you had to be as he fucked you ruthlessly, hitting an angle that had your already weak feeling legs buckling, the only things holding you up being him and his desk, which rocked subtly with each thrust. You could see shadows passing through the frosted glass, being blurred slightly as your eyes rolled back, your body tightening and shivering as you came on his shaft for the second time, a breathless laugh escaping him.

"That's right, you've been so good taking the initiative, why don't you enjoy your reward?"

Retsu: He whined, writhing beneath you as your hips rolled against his, his cheek pressing against the hard wooden floors. You supposed it was a good thing that he'd just cleaned them, that way he wouldn't get all dusty, but it was a real shame that the two of you were making a mess all over said nice clean floors. Your hand squeezed his neck softly, enjoying the feeling of the powerful muscles flexing beneath your hand as your hips met over and over and over, his face flushed a bright red, warmth spreading from his forehead down to his chest, it was truly a sight, his hair messy and splayed out around him. It would be a perfect hand-hold, but you didn't want to risk pulling any of it out, that would be more of a shame than getting cum on the floor.

He breathed out pleas and admiration as you fucked him, because as always, he'd simply allowed you to take charge and do as you pleased. Apparently that involved you massaging his shoulders, earning an abrupt and startled moan, and then finding the sound to be so appealing that you decided to see how else you could get him to make it. A gentle smack on his rear? Yup! You tested another method by swiftly leaning down and sinking your teeth into the powerful muscles of his shoulder, earning another startled moan, much to your satisfaction.

"D-darling! Please, be gentle!"

Doppo: Smug old bastard, who the hell did he think he was? You'd tried to be nice, and simply wound up with him leaning into the nice gesture with a smug smile and a played up "ohhh, your hands are sooo strong!" from him. So you'd tried to be domineering, were still trying, actually, but his response to that was to pin you to the couch and go down on you like a man starved. Were you in control? Not really, no, he had full control over this encounter, much to your chagrin. Another pass of his tongue had you mewling against your better judgement, pleasure sending a shiver through your body, your toes curling. Were you genuinely mad? That depended on how much longer he'd wait to make you cum.

You couldn't even grab his head and force him to dig in properly, no, he'd wrapped his tie around your hands and you were still struggling to get it off, your arms stuck firmly behind your back. You couldn't even use your legs to pull him in, because each time you tried, he simply pushed your legs wide open against the couch and slowed down even more. A groan escaped you as his hot mouth came off of you, a smirk on his lips as he finally sank a single finger into you.

"Impatient now, aren't we sweetheart?"

Shibukawa: You'd never expected Shibukawa to throw you, of all people. You'd just put your hands on his shoulders to give him a massage and BAM, you wound up on your back, staring up at the ceiling, not knowing what the hell happened until a moment later when he'd cleared his throat, a mischievous smirk on his face as he prodded your lips with his cock. You were choking now, head bobbing up and down his shaft, still somewhat dazed and achy, but perfectly happy to comply, his hand on your head, not really guiding just yet, but you knew that if he decided he wanted more, he'd take more. His fingers gently patted the top of your head, soothing the spot where the back of your skull had impacted the floor, the only apology you were sure you were getting for the next little while.

Your hands were free to do whatever they pleased though, if he wanted you to stop he'd say so, so until he decided to tell you to stop, you decided to take your own pleasure. Fucking your own hand as the Aiki master fucked your willing mouth was how you wound up, your own spit smeared across your chin and lips, your eyes half-lidded as you looked up at him, whimpering and moaning around his shaft, which leaked precum down your throat.

"Now now, haven't I told you not to sneak up on me before dear?"

[pretentious-art-love]

Book Reviews #24 - Royal Spy; The Strange Case Of The Chevalier D'Eon By Edna Nixon

I wanted to read a book of this because I got really interested in the story, you know, a documented case of a transgender person in the 17th century! It seems there is so much mystery behind the whole mater and countless of books and essays have been done about it, but at the end of the day it surprised me how little of a mystery there is in the whole thing. This book has some unnecessarily decorative language that can get a bit dense to understand for someone with attention span issues and English second language quirks like me, but it gives a summary of Deon’s life and even changes pronouns when the event happens. It discusses a bit the transgender part in a chapter but I skipped that because I don’t really care what any of these writers think about the gender thing, remember the Review #22 of that book by Gary Kates? It was so stupid that I dropped it, thankfully, this book sticks more to the facts, it also starts from the beginning rather than beginning the story halfway through the events.

First, let’s get the elephant out of the room, we know a lot more about gender now, right? We know that a lot of people who suffer dysphoria transition, and we call them transgender, but we also know there is people who do not experience dysphoria with their birth gender still experience gender euphoria with a gender they were not assigned at birth too so they transition, there is gender fluid people and people who might feel fine either way so when they get asked what they would do if they got their sex changed for a day they just say “well just go to work because I don’t want to get fired.” The fact for 200 years people did thousands of essays because people never were open enough to say that there is a fairly big gender fluidity in the general population its ridiculous, its like the fact Dracula got popular because knew that the fact of being attacked by a vampire was a metaphor for sexual assault and nobody could say anything because of censorship. In any case, for you and me, the average transgender person, the fact that D’Eon was fairly fluid will be the less interesting part of the story overall, believe me.

Now, who was D’Eon? I’ll tell you who he was (I’ll be switching between pronouns in the review because it feels right) he was a proud and stubborn mule. Not ashamed of anything, at the beginning of his life D’Eon was looking for connections with noble families, trying to find a way into the high circles and secure her future. She was also highly charismatic and full of wit, someone who wasn’t afraid to say what she thought. Long story short, she goes up the ranks and works as a spy and a little time as a soldier, yada yada yada, if you want the details, read the book, I don’t want to feel I am doing a summary or whatever.

There was this guy called Guerchy, and he fought a lot with D’Eon, why? I am not even sure why, and it doesn’t seem like it matters anyway, it was a lot of little things instead of a big one, what I feel is that D’Eon was annoyed that such an idiot was in an official spot and that he had to follow his orders, you know, bureaucracy bullshit, and the quarrel reached a lot of parts in Europe because it was a bit ridiculous what was going on. Then, next thing you know is that a lady that was in one of the missions of D’Eon in Russia where he dressed as a woman went to France and swore for her life that he was a woman, then there were bets and gambling around the whole thing and you know, things got out of control, imagine having a spy with this much attention in the whole continent, ridiculous, I tell you. Guerchy somehow lost the quarrel but died very soon after that and his family gained a bit of a grudge. D’Eon lost some of the rapport she had gotten with the king (who was a bit of a pushover back then too), and even threatened to sell some of the papers she had with her about her spy operations when she saw her life was in danger, or her debts were piling up and she wasn’t getting the money she needed (D’Eon liked to be in parties a lot, spend a lot, the whole thing, but hey, if it’s for spy matters it counts as a business expense, right?) and at the end, the situation had spiraled out a bit.

Tell me, as a king, what would you do? If you had this really loud and obnoxious worker who was in everybody’s mouth, how would you deal with him? You could kill him, sure, and there was a point when someone who was spreading libel against her was offered a pardon if he carried out the murder, but he didn’t accept so that plan was discarded. Besides killing him has it's risks, with him dead who knows where his documents will end! And also, what rumours will spread around if he suddenly dies?! No no, such thing might become too risky if not careful. See, here the book mentions that the point of crossroads comes when the secretary of the ambassador of the spy group of the emissary of the worker of the guy of the king or whatever asked directly D’Eon if he was a man or a woman and then she said she was a woman, but to me it feels like the story is incomplete, to me it feels that they decided it was better to present D’Eon as a woman to the world to reduce the possibility of having the rumor reach Russian ears and destitute D’Eon of all his power and privileges as a man, or heck, we don't even need the russians to make up a reason, telling him to dress as a woman is the perfect answer to turn the nature of the rumours around him on their head without any blood and finally silence such a pesky agent. They either didn’t keep the record of the thing or destroyed it all, I mean, we already saw that he can’t be trusted with official documents, right?

This is the point that I felt the most connection with D’Eon, I felt such vivid and alive feelings from the story. D’Eon was a fervid subject of the king, and I felt it, the tireless and endless devotion, he became more and more errant and then the french king took him out his pension. It was so fascinating to see, so intense, I felt the disillusion he felt, his loyalty to the king and audacity as a spy was always tested when he was losing his patience with the profession he dedicated his life to, this is the kind of disillusionment that can make you go hog wild with your coworker. When you realize that devotion is not enough to guarantee your future or your life, you feel everything is fake, I felt his own tiredness on my own veins. The King thought that he was just mad, and he was mad, but it was out of love, not anything else! D’Eon was always loyal, he was a stubborn mule and maybe too loud for his own good, but he was loyal, the king just couldn't see that.

In any case, D’Eon was ordered to dress as female and the cover story of she being raised male because her dad wanted a son came up, then her king died and his grand son replaced him. The bets and all that gambling related to her gender in England got too dangerous so she left back to France, as a woman. But you know that a lot of people didn’t believe it, right? Come on, it was the 17th century, no estrogen, no fancy pansy, people commented she looked more like a man, the people who lived in his home town never believed a single word, "but hey, if the king said she is a woman, who am I to say no in such a petty affair?" Do you want to know how you can get a social gender transition in the 17th century? You piss off your king and threaten him to think that a war between could begin unless everyone else affirms that you are female, it’s all about controlling loose ends at the end of the day, with any other scenario at least a body inspection would have been made.

Now, now, D’Eon was fluid enough to live as a female, but she was still a solider at heart, she was frustrated a lot of the time, she felt shame and even repugnance at the whole affair when she had to present as female the first time, and she still kept asking to be reinstated as a soldier to the court countless of times, but the court, and it seems the Guerchy family too, pushed to have her rather "retired" out of resentment. If she spent in a old home in poverty it wasn’t because she was inspired by women and the world of Christianity as some authors liked to think (fuck you, Gary). And yes, yes, after the French revolution the new king died, she could have gone back, in theory, to dress as a man to gain a live hood, so why didn’t she do it? Why? She could have turned back the page so easily! It must have been because [10000 essays after wards] yadda yadda, on and there is also an anime with a "ghost sister sometimes possessing D'Eon dynamic" because of course there is.

Could have really been that easy? To go back to present as a man after a gender transition? Think about it, it was the 17th century, could you really go back to live as a man publicly when you spend so many years as a woman? After so many connections were made? After people helped you when you were presenting as a woman? Again, D’Eon was proud and stubborn. Deon might have been fairly gender fluid, but I feel that this kind of change is not something that you could turn back, people ask "really? Even after the king died and her masters were gone?" I think that it was exactly because of that reason, that she couldn’t turn back. Seriously, go back?

As if her identity, as if that part of her who as a woman was a lie.

"Hey everyone I was just joking with y'all! See, Im actually an spy and umm.. all those moments? Lies, oh come on I'm still a man like you, yes I crossdressed for years but... I mean you get me guys? Hey, guys!"

People ignore this, the seriousness of the situation and how hard it would be for her to go back socially. Also, since it makes the story a lot sadder, people don't pay attention to that, people don't want a sad story after all, they want something cool to tell. That added up with the lack of understanding of gender fluidity in D'Eon and in general and we get a lot of yapping between historians.

There was also the opportunity of fight the French revolution with the aristocrats to gain it back (that’s a definitive no) or fight it with the other side, the peasants who wanted a more normal, just country (that’s a possible no, they could label you as an aristocrat and hell could turn loose) it seems she was going to leave to France and fight at some point but it is likely that this, age, or her debtors in England didn’t let her leave, come on, are you going to leave a second time the country to fight a war? I wouldn’t let her go to escape to her possible death and leave her debts unpaid, because again, D’Eon liked to splurge a lot. Besides, it would be to fight against the people who knew her dear king Louis XV, why for go against his memory when he is already dead? It was something that to me, felt irreversible. A gender change like that, it is not as simple as it seems. Not in those times, and not when both of his sides were as true and vivid as each other.

At the end of the day, debts debts debts, ending in poverty, end of the story. At least there was a widow she made friends with and she never told the truth of, it seems Cole got shocked when she found out, and I feel a little bad about that, but I don’t know, the connection they both had felt as essential and as honest as possible, it never felt necessary to tell her about a detail like that, because their relationship felt genuine, it was, for all that time.

I felt a deep connection to the story of her life, not even because of the trans part, but because I am also a stubborn idiot who have caused a lot of drama and closed a lot of doors because of that, I have felt it too, I have felt it. This book in a way felt like a repetition of history more than anything. I like to think in times like this in concepts like reincarnation and what would it be like if they were real. If Deon was one of my past lives, I would like to say that… I failed, I failed because I was stubborn, stubborn and full of pride, I closed many doors that shouldn't have closed to me because of silly things, but I was also free, free enough to be myself, this is not a success that erases my failure as a soldier, but the other side of the coin in my existence, I failed on the fight I took, but I was also so free that I managed a social gender transition in the 17th century, I was free enough for that, and prideful and stubborn enough for that. If that doesn't say enough about my spirit, which countless essays and stories have been made from, I don't know what else could.

There are still a lot of unanswered questions for me. There are parts of the book that are like “and D’Eon found out that she could get the same air of stupidity in France or in Tonerre, but back in Tonerre she felt lonely and without purpose” and I’m like… what? I bet that events like this could be summarized better, I know they are events that happen not because of a single event but more because of different and varied philosophical reasons, but still, it leaves stuff about her character in the dark. The flowery language was a bit also a bit frustrating at times, but well, the book did its job for what it’s worth. With all the wondering and silliness people put into this topic, I really, really appreciate this writer putting the speculation into a minimum. And the change of pronouns was also a detail that went a long long way. It is also true that if I learned French, I could get into the crux of the matter rather than what historians interpret and tell me second hand, I might add a new book of D’Eon down the line to my reading schedule to retake this topic, but as for now this feels as much as closed, and something I would like to move on from. Let people wonder whatever they want about D'Eon's life, at the end of the day we all know that what they are trying to find out is how they can become just as free.

7/10.