#inspired by my despair buddy

[andtheirmoonlight]

‘I'm so sorry for what happened to you!’ says a part of what happened to me.

‘I'm so sorry for what those people did to you!’ — you’re not ‘those people’, you are you, and you're doing the ‘what’ right now.

‘Omg people can be so horrible!’ — yes, you can be, and so lacking in self-awareness.

When you were trained to think of everything in black and white, you start seeing yourself as a ‘good person’ and start believing that everything you as a ‘good person’ do or have the potential to do is always good, and that you are never the villain. But humans do not work that way.

[thatbuddie]

MARIA HIIIIII i would love love love “What’s worse is, this is the first time I’ve genuinely felt this way about someone.” if it sparks inspiration 💕

oh my god it definitely sparked inspiration but i don't know how it ended up being this kskskks i hope you like it, kris *mwaaah*

never ask for any of it back

buddie | 2.4k | outsider pov, getting together, love confession

“Yeah.” Eddie nods. “I’m his best friend. I can’t count the number of times Buck’s said that to me. His best friend.” Hen has heard Buck use those exact same words before, as well. She’s heard him say them jokingly, in passing, earnestly, in joy, in despair. She has always, always, been able to hear the meaning behind them. She wonders if Eddie has ever been able to tell that when Buck says best friend he means soulmate. “Well, isn’t he yours as well?” Hen asks him. “Of course he is,” Eddie needlessly confirms. “He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. But I’m greedy, and I ruin everything, and I want more. I want so much more. I want him. All of him.” So have him, Hen thinks. Eddie, let yourself have him.

(read on ao3.)

[hostess-of-horror]

Count Galak x Victim!Reader Headcanons

💕⚰️🪲A Late Valentine's Day Special!👑🍬💕

Note: Okay, so, this one I just had to do and it is gonna be late by the time I post this, but whatever! I was chatting with my buddy @sneklover earlier ago and she inspired me to make a very self-indulgent Vampire!King Candy post. This is going to be based off of my Turboratu: An Arcade Game of Horror AU and you, my lovely reader, will be His Chosen One...

@sneklover @tiramegtoons/@sliceoflifesalami @starleska @snailstrailz @starryside-1 @depressedasswarlock @crispytubes @pippengin @simpingforcys @blackthewolf17 and anyone else who wants to read this!

Content Includes: Gender Neutral Reader, Slight Suggestiveness but SFW in general (this is a vampire AU, so lots of blood-drinking and hicki- I mean, biting), themes of death, some gore, spoilers for Nosferatu (the films from 1922, 1979, and 2024) and for Wreck-It-Ralph

Fun Facts about this AU:

The name "Galak" is actually the name of a real white chocolate candy bar that was released in the UK and Switzerland! I tried to find a German candy to name Vampire!King Candy after but this was the closest thing to "Count Orlok" I could find.

The victim in this AU is supposed to be an OC named Helena (a.k.a. Ellen Hutter); the reader will not be named after her, however they will be based on her!

The entire plot is essentially the original plot of Nosferatu but with Wreck-It-Ralph characters - honestly, this is nothing more than a silly little crossover for funsies, so if you want to do any fan art or fanfiction based on it, go right ahead!

The whole thing started with this little venn diagram here:

As usual, click on the name/title for a love song!

Count Galak, the Turboratu

You had the premonition since your beloved Felix left for his journey.

For years, you had been haunted by visions of a dark specter, a shadow engulfing all life and light until everything becomes nothing.

Nothing but a desolate land of death where you and that very specter live happily together...

You tried to tell Felix not to go, but such an opportunity was much too important for him not to take it.

It would bring prosperity to you both, yes, but why must he go away so soon?

Nevertheless, you supported him, giving him a token of love for his travels, and watched in abject despair as he left.

But of course, you were not completely alone; Felix's companions, Ralph and Vanellope, were to watch over you while he was away.

He knew of your... melancholy and he would die at the thought of you succumbing into horrible heartache.

You loved him, you really did, and he you.

But even the purest form of love between newlyweds wasn't enough to stave off the nightmares.

Ralph and Vanellope, bless their hearts, they did what they could to cheer you up.

Walks along the Game Central Station, trips to Tapper's, even a race or two, but all in vain.

You could not shake the feeling of doom approaching the Arcade. Some infestation breaking loose.

And sure enough, you were right. And by all that is good, you wished you were wrong.

As the weeks went by, Felix was nowhere to be found, and slowly the world became... sicker.

A plague had taken hold on one of the ships, owned by the prestigious Captain Calhoun, and through this vessel, it laid siege upon the other games.

Cybugs. Carriers of death, consumers of life.

They crawled from the depths of whatever hellish pit they came from and ate their way into everyone's life.

Many fell, leaving helpless souls to be gameless, or worse unplugged.

As this plague began to rise, your darling husband came back.

Felix was beyond frightened - he had seen a monster far more horrible than anything he could ever comprehend.

He was paler, visibly shaken, and upon his neck were two small hole-like wounds that hadn't healed since they were first made.

During his recovery, he warned everyone of this man, this demon, the power he held, and worst of all, he was coming for you!

While Felix, Ralph, Vanellope, and Captain Calhoun, made their plans to fight the source of the plague, you were told to stay put.

From Felix's journey, he had acquired a small book on fearsome creatures of the night, given to him by one of the locals from the game he visited.

"When the sun has set and the moon rises over the sleeping land, from the grave rises the Turboratu - the Prince of Cybugs, Lord of the Night - to drain the coding of his victims. Immortal as he is, the only thing that can end this evil beast is for an uncorrupted game character to offer themselves in willing sacrifice. Thus his hunger shall distract him long enough until Litwik's Arcade opens."

Reading those words was enough to ignite that spark of courage in your heart.

You waited until nighttime, when at that moment you feigned a terrible fainting spell so that Felix could leave you alone as he rushed out to find a doctor.

You knew the Count was living right across from your game, as you've heard from Felix's accounts, and you made sure to gain his attention.

And sure enough, he was watching you from its entrance. Unblinkingly.

There were no words between you two; you didn't need to say anything to him.

You had opened a window of opportunity for him, and the Turboratu gladly accepted the invitation.

As you lie in your bed, dressed in white and surrounded by lilacs, Count Galak's shadow loomed from the curtains into your bedroom.

It reached to grasp its claws onto your bosom, your beating heart, your tender throat, your code.

His power and the indescribable, horrible pleasure it came with overwhelmed you in ways your husband, your darling Fix-It-Felix, could never.

Soon, you were staring into the eyes of your dark specter. You were his affliction. You were his destiny as he was yours.

Count Galak appeared before you in his truest form - a terrifying abomination between himself and the physical attributes of a Cybug.

And in this form did he prey upon you, as gently as he could, and began to drink from your bare neck.

The monster's teeth sunk into your flesh as his talons softly caressed your figure and hair.

For so long, you had to repress your melancholy for the betterment of everyone around you.

You knew deep down it caused a constant sense of burden, even to those you loved so dearly.

But not to him. Not to the Turboratu.

He savored every moment, every pain, every swallow of lifeblood, every lick of his lips was ecstasy.

He had been craving you for a long time.

Soon, your mind began to drown into a numbing sensation as your weakened eyes began to see the glint of dawn's light.

You sigh your last breath.

This was the moment that you, his corpse bride, and he, your dark specter, would die as lovers in your wedding bed.

And the Arcade is finally saved.

[ineffable-opinions]

Top 10 BL Novels I Read In 2024

10. Love Supremacy Zone by 화차

Adapted into a manhwa Love Interest Zone, and live action in 2024 Love for Love's Sake which inspired me to watch it. When I started watching the series, I felt that something was off. That I was missing out on a great deal. So, I jumped right into the book. Novel was not only more detailed, the storytelling was so brilliant that it brought about overwhelming emotions – despair, relief, happiness, etc. Going in, I had lots of theories in my head about the identity of many characters including the author-sunbae. I had expected Cha YeoWoon to be the author and Tae MyungHa to be his junior (because of military service) since Tae MyungHa’s life before transmigration and the story of the stalking horse in the novel (which was turned into game) were so similar. Cha YeoWoon is one of the best younger gong (Korean for seme), I have come across in a while. While this one and I, A Gangster, Became a High School Student had older people occupying younger bodies, I liked the latter better. I felt that some of the game assigned tasks were not making much sense towards the end, especially those involving gathering followers on social networking sites. The game system seemed to be acting up as it pleased without much rhyme or reason, which I found difficult to stomach. Extras are really good in this one.

9. Deadlock volume 1 by Aida Saki

Aida Saki passed away this year. While there are other works by the same author that had left a deeper impression on me, this one stands out for being the most political among them all. From prison politics to hybrid identities, there is a lot that the uke deals with as a half-Japanese with a Hispanic upbringing who serving sentence for the murder of his buddy cop in the USA. Maybe the foreign setting offers Japanese authors like Aida-sensei more liberty when it comes to dealing with complex social, political and economic issues, within and outside the prison. Unfortunately, the seme wasn't very impressive - that's an Aida Saki thing, I guess.  Recommended for those who enjoyed Manner of Death, Spare Me Your Mercy and BL comics like Under Grand Hotelby Sadahiro Mika (manga) and Shutline by Kyou (manhwa).

8. Try Me เสพร้าย สัมผัสรัก (ChaiWin story) by MAME

gif by @boosnbugs

The moment Chai appeared in Love in the Air, I wanted to know his story and was super-excited to discover the novel when he was main character. Win fell for Chai in his early youth. Years later, he is yet to move on properly after being rejected by his mafioso cousin's righthand man. Chai is bound by duty. Win and Chai's lives keep colliding. Win returns to Thailand amid situations that force Chai to personally provide him with security. Meddlesome ex-lovers and uncle shenanigans to complete the clusterfuck the start of their romance is set to be. Recommended for those who liked TulHin from the novel Breath or from the series Love by Chance Season 2: A Chance to Love as well as the Taiwanese BL series Kiseki: Dear to Me. Even though I read Try Me (PakinGraph story) before this one, it can be read as a stand-alone.

7. I, A Gangster, Became a High School Student by 호롤

Adapted into a manhwa and a controversial bromance live action High School Return of a Gangster in 2024 which inspired me to read the novel.I was glad for it. The book is an absolute delight. It is pretty different from the live action. The transmigrator and his lover have to overcome many difficulties on the way. I had expected the original soul to take hold of the body the gangster was occupying at the end at least based on certain rumors on the internet. But that was not the case. Even though the body was that of a teenager, gangster was a middle-aged man, with all corresponding life experience and attitude. Author did a good job of maintaining that throughout. Certain parts of the novel, especially the face slapping parts, were very makjang. While I think it was dealt better in the novel than in the series, I wanted something different. While the su was a responsible older person in a teenager’s body, gong was the opposite for most parts. the interaction between gong’s father and su were really nice. I also found the bully’s relationship with original soul versus his relationship our su pretty sad, on both counts.

6. Why? ทำไมต้องร้าย...ทำไมต้องรัก (Part 1) by Yeonim

gif by @pharawee

The main couple in this one Nan (Day’s friend) and Mac (Day’s love rival). Nan is an excellent self-aware psychopath for whom Mac is an interesting plaything. There is a great deal of back and forth between them that keeps readers engaged throughout. Nan is kind of a yandere character, especially when it comes to those whom he wants to toy with. Mac is no saint but his cruelty is warped and oft amounts to nothing when faced with the different issues the couple has to face, marking how different his relationship is with what he wanted with Itt. Meanwhile, both of them dotes on each other. The time they spend in Nan’s house, especially the veranda with the little pond in front, is some of the best I have ever come across in a BL. The side CP in this one between Dew and Three, who were interested in Mac and Nan respectively and bond over that. They go from being comrades to lovers with some Nan’s non-consensual exhibitionism being the trigger. Link to Part 2.

Honorable mentions:

The Missing Piece by Kun Yi Wei Lou I love Kun Yi Wei Lou’s works in general, especially her older works with fantasy and historical setting. Among the novels with modern setting this one and Ex-boyfriend are my favorites. It has one of most exciting tropes – substitute lover! But then there are misunderstandings too. So, things aren’t exactly what they seem.

The university set BL Test Love and salaryman, yakuza BL OatShin Diary by MAME – I read it to read about Oat who is mentioned in Love Storm novel as the best racer and got his illegal racing parts replaced with Prapai in Love in the Air and with Kawai Fuma in Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan. I loved their story the best too. Test Love offers glimpse into Phayu’s campus life as a student of architecture and shows us where his reputation as a famous helpful senior comes from. Test Love also has Phayu’s twin brother and his girlfriend. Many characters from Love by Chance are friends with characters in Test Love and there is a cool seaside vacation get-together.

กูจะร้าย...ให้มึงรัก (GearNight story) by Yeonim I got into novel through the movie Love Syndrome: The Beginning that focuses heavily of the murky start to the characters relationship. The characters we encounter in Love Syndrome III have journeyed through lot of ups-and-downs and the novels are really engaging, especially for me as I love meriba endings a lot. They grow as a couple a lot between the immature couple they are in the novel and the awesome couple they are in later novels (where they appear). The side couple FourGus had a troubled start consisting of an early sexual debut that ultimately left Gus pining and Four repenting. It was one of those when-will-they relationships that stands out in the novel. There are so many couples in Yeonim’s universe, it is overwhelming. Thanks to @mygwenchan for this excellent list of Yeonim’s works.

5. Love Sand by MAME

I have been trying to get into Thai BL novels for a while now with varying degrees of luck. This one had me hooked. Khom, the main character in Love Sand, has been familiar to me through TharnType and Love Sea dropped so many little details of his relationship with Connor. While Khom was great, Connor was the most thought-provoking, to say the least. This work tackled different aspects of sex work - gratification and pecuniary reward, romance and emotional toll, racism, race as fetish, etc. I had previously commented on how certain characters MAME created reads like ethnography. This one takes it to areas that are difficult to talk about from one single dimension alone. Moothon (2019) did intersection right and that's why it is the banner of this BLog. Love Sand gave me a close enough experience. Recommended for audience interested in intersectionality with focus on a white Canadian with Thai-upbringing via doting step-mother of Thai origin, as well as those who love wife chasing crematorium, with significant value gap.

4. 服了生育刑的alpha by 星河蛋���

An omegaverse story about a remorseless alpha arrested on charges of sexual assault choosing to undergo multiple births rather than spend long years in jail. Even though the novel was written in 2022, it deals with a lot of issues that’s in discussion currently, especially in the West, post-US elections and Gisèle Pelicot’s courageous legal battle in the Mazan rape case, such as reproductive rights, sexual crimes, sexism, righteousness, punishment, reformation along with issues such as sex work and law and order and justice system from cops to courts. The novel is available on patreon.

3. 虎三不哭 (Third Tiger, Don’t Cry) by 间歇性咆哮

This is the tale of a crybaby tiger and his haughty lover deer (all in their animal forms throughout but with human like thought process, motivations and emotions). They have to struggle through the different challenges that nature and nurture have placed in their path. Recommended for those who enjoy older danmei as well as those who enjoy animal characters or characteristics such as in Caged Again and Choco Milk Shake.

2. Mr. Zhang and Mr. Zhang 《张先生和张先生》 by 王泡小泡

I started reading this with plans to write a post on Love in the Big City. This novel has been adapted into live action Kinematics TheoryandThe Ambiguous Focus. This is about a couple who are about to celebrate the anniversary of having spent a decade together. They get caught up in the whirlwind of seven ten-years-itch and more that threatens to uproot not only their relationship with each other but also with those around them. Recommended for those who enjoyed Love in the Big City and its adaptations, and for the fans of Fei Tian Ye Xiang’s 北城天街 (Bei Cheng Tian Street).

1. Utsukushii Koto by Konohara Narise

A gynephilic man falls for a crossdressing salaryman from the same company but different department. While this is not the best work from Konohara Narise, I enjoyed it the most among all the BL novels I have read this year. Recommended for those who enjoyed Mood Indigo, Smells Like Green Spirit or Wait for Me at Udagawachou.

Top 20 BL Live-action of 2024

[danganronpadedication]

DAY 7: DANGANTOBER

Day 7: Fandom Crossover

Once again, I was inspired by another person here on this wonderful hellsite I call home, @lobotoboy and their post about a Ride the Cyclone x Danganronpa AU, so that's what I will discuss.

Fun fact for all of you, I am a recovering theater kid. Yes, I manage to get more cringe each and every day. One day, I shall absorb all the cringe in the world and ascend to godhood. I was not one of the crazier ones, I wasn't talented enough to be in the inner circle and actually do shows after a while. But I was engrossed in certain shows, mainly horror ones like the Hatchetfield series, Jekyll and Hyde, Carrie, and We Are The Tigers (this one is underrated, it's Bring It On meets Scream). The musical that managed to get me to relapse a while ago, is Ride the Cyclone, whose soundtrack I'm listening to as I write this.

Without spoiling the show, because I highly recommend it to anybody with even a little bit of interest in it, here is the general plot. It follows a group of choir kids, consisting of two girls, Ocean O'Connell Rosenburg, a go-getter girl with big dreams and a superiority complex, and Constance Blackwood, a sweet girl who's spent her whole life in Uranium City with no plans on leaving. The boys of the group are Noel Gruber, a nihilist with a...certainly unique method of escapism, Mischa Bachinski, a Ukranian rapper with an online lover he met in the YouTube comment section, and Ricky Potts, a disabled boy who, despite being mute, has a certain love for cats.

These five get their fortunes read by an animatronic fortune teller, named The Amazing Karnak, before getting on the Cyclone rollercoaster. The rollercoaster derails at the apex of the loop, and they fall to their deaths. They wake up in purgatory, in a game ran by Karnak, who actually has the ability to predict people's deaths. He wants to give them another chance at life, and decides to have them each plead their case to him for who deserves that chance the most. Of course, what's a game without a twist? Karnak introduces a new character, dubbed Jane Doe, since no one was able to identify her headless body in the accident. She was supposedly another member of the choir, but no one knows for sure. The show is each of them pleading their case to Karnak and learning more about each other, until it is decided who gets another chance.

In the original post being discussed here, the cast was as follows: Junko Enoshima as The Amazing Karnak

Monokuma as Virgil the Rat (a rat buddy of Karnak's that will one day lead to their mutual destruction)

Nagito Komaeda as Noel Gruber

Leon Kuwata as Mischa Bachinski

Kaito Momota as Ricky Potts

Hajime Hinata/Izuru Kamukura as Jane Doe

Ruruka Ando as Ocean O'Connell Rosenburg

Chiaki Nanami as Constance Blackwood

No notes, none at all. This a perfect casting in my eyes. I think that, for the most part, all the characters fit.

Let's start with the easiest one, Monokuma as Virgil the Rat. It simply just makes sense in my monkey brain. Virgil is a rat that is slowly chewing through Karnak's power cords, and will one day bite down on a live wire, killing both of them. Karnak chooses to depict Virgil as a super cool bass player. I would KILL to see Monokuma absolutely wrecking it on bass, or really any sort of instrument. Someone needs to give Ibuki a fanmade execution, and it's just Monokuma absolutely SHREDDING an electric guitar, ala Guitar Hero. Next up, Junko as Karnak. Karnak is a lot kinder than Junko would be in this position. I feel like she would relish the despair of knowing when other people would die, including when she herself would die. In this AU, she'd probably set this little game up, not out of the want to give someone another chance at life, but in order to see the other's desperation. She'd still give that chance to whoever won, but I could totally see her just adding new rules to spite the contestants. It'd be like one big trial 6, where everyone else is having a crisis, and she's just being silly.

These two are a dynamic duo and would absolutely ruin everyone's days, lmao.

Next to be discussed, Nagito as Noel Gruber. One look at this guy, and if you're familiar with Noel, there's really no analysis needed. I can see it in my mind's eye, Nagito in his little Remnant get-up, doing the absolute MOST for Noel's Lament. He's a little diva, and we love him for that.

I know I teased it, and I swear this really isn't a spoiler, but Noel, given the title of 'the most romantic boy in town', is gay, a nihilist, and has fantasies of being a hooker named Monique Gibeau in post-war France. Like Noel, Nagito is very hung up on his particular ideals, to an near infamous degree. Nagito definitely goes further with his devotion to hope, but in all fairness, Noel also isn't a war criminal. In this AU, I could totally see Nagito absolutely just rolling with whatever is happening, no matter how absurd. He probably wouldn't even want to win the second chance at life, believing someone else is probably more deserving of it. He'd have fun with the whole situation, and be an absolute showstopper.

The more I rant about Nagito, the more I understand how much he needs some serious therapy, STAT.

Next up, Kaito as Ricky Potts. Ricky is disabled, having been mute while alive, and used crutches to help him walk. Despite this, he's 'the most imaginative boy in town', and he has a wonderful fascination with outer space, as described in 'Space Age Bachelor Man'. Yep, that song is only about space, nothing else, please believe me, I'm totally not lying to you.

Obviously, Kaito is all about space. I've also seen people equate Kaito's illness when comparing him to Ricky, but I will not comment further, as I do not feel like I have the knowledge to accurately do so. Jumping more to character, Kaito is a very encouraging and friendly presence in v3. He takes Shuichi under his wing, being his close friend and helping him get better and more confident. Ricky does something similar with Jane, not treating her as a monster like the others, and seeming to really try and understand her as a peer. Ricky is a very selfless character (for reasons I will not spoil) and so is Kaito. Kaito participated in Kokichi's plan in chapter 5, without the intent to survive for himself, but in order to help the others. He got the last laugh in death, passing away from his illness and not Monokuma's execution, and effectively setting off a chain of events that led to the end of v3's game. In this AU, I don't see there being many changes, just maybe more confidence and brashness like Kaito.

Leon as Mischa is a really fun choice. Mischa, a Soundcloud rapper, and known as 'the angriest boy in town', is a very fun fit for Leon. Admittedly, I'm not the biggest Leon expert, but I really liked him in THH, and I think his voice actor did a phenomenal job the entire time he was on my screen. The only acceptable ginger /j

Leon has aspirations of being a musician, and so does Mischa. Leon admits in a free-time event that he's pursuing that pathway to get more girls, and Mischa is a self-described 'passionate lover'. However, like Mischa, I think Leon has a genuine desire to pursue music, as School Mode suggests that he sees baseball as a launching point for his music career.

The songs he'd get would be 'This Song Is Awesome', and 'Talia', which could be about whatever Leon ship you want. For my purposes, I will assume it's Sayaka, since I don't really ship him with anyone. Leon can be both aggressive and passionate, as well as friendly. Both characters can also be seen as stereotypically aggressive, but underneath those more intimidating surfaces, they're really nice people. Mischa is supportive of the other contestants, and makes the effort to make everyone feel included and happy. In this AU, Leon would still fight for that second chance, but I could also see some chivalry in how he handles himself.

When Leon died in the anime, I was near tears, give that voice actor an Oscar. No matter your opinion on Danganronpa, you must admit that the voice actors bring their A-game.

I think pulling Ruruka from the anime as Ocean is an INSPIRED choice. I'll be honest, first time around, I did not like Ruruka. She reminded me of every self-centered, fake person I've ever come into contact with. Second time around however, I found myself really seeing her, and understanding her mindset. Yes, she's still a bad friend, certified, but everything leading up to her death later-on in the anime really made her impactful. I know that I have felt similar sentiments regarding the friends I've made, and I do see where she's coming from in certain areas.

Same with Ocean, as much as Ocean is self-centered, she's also just a kid. A kid who died only a few hours ago, and is being faced with the chance to get a second chance to do all that she wanted to do. She's only seventeen, and didn't even leave her hometown, it's sad and I can see how potent her desperation is. Granted, she doesn't go about it in the best way, Social Darwinism is not a take I can get behind. Ocean's desperation is reminiscent of late-anime Ruruka, willing to betray the people closest to her in order to ensure her own safety. Like Ruruka in earlier episodes, such as ones where she's shown as a little girl, you can see how kind she sees herself as. I think her and Seiko's relationship was one that could've thrived and been great, if Ruruka respected boundaries. Ocean eventually starts to get better through the show, apologizing genuinely to her friends, and even towards Jane, who she'd been very wary of.

I wish we could've seen more of Ruruka, I think she has the seeds of a very nuanced character within her, and it's just underutilized. Though, I doubt she's 'What The World Needs'.

Uh oh, it's big rant time. I haven't talked about Chiaki during Dangantober yet, but Chiaki is my friend's favorite character, so of course I know a lot about her. I also really like Constance, she's my second favorite, after Jane. Constance, called 'the nicest girl in town', is a girl who had grown bored of life. She had no aspirations to go anywhere beyond Uranium, but also didn't want to stay in her hometown. Over the course of the story, she gains an appreciation for the little things in life, like pizza nights, holidays, hanging out with her family, and most notably, how pretty the sky looked when she was falling to her death.

Chiaki, mainly talking about her when she's alive, not an AI, is definitely one of the kinder characters in Danganronpa. She's the only one who seems to take an interest in hanging out with Hajime, who's merely a reserve course student in the anime. Despite his lack of an ultimate, she still looks forward to hanging out with him at the school fountain, and playing video games. As an AI, Chiaki grows to have an appreciation for all the things in life, and grows to love the people around her. Imagine being the Chiaki AI, knowing what these people have done, and yet still caring for them.

Constance, despite being mistreated by her best friend Ocean, can't really bring herself to hate Ocean. She eventually tells her off in the show, but she never cuts anything off. Constance grew to appreciate life, which harkens back to the most heartbreaking Chiaki moment for me.

''All I wanted, was to play video games with you, one last time..."

Curse you Kodaka, for making me hear that at 2AM on a Thursday night.

Constance's song is what makes me the closest to crying, that and the ending. Sugar Cloud is a celebration of her realization of the beauty of life, and how she now appreciates what she had and got to experience. I could talk about Chiaki all day, let's be real here.

I can hear you all already. "WE GET IT MOD TSUMUGI, YOU LIKE HAJIME!" Yeah well, he's my favorite, and so is Jane Doe. Told you guys he'd get talked about over and over again.

Anyways, Hajime is a very good fit for Jane. I'll try not to spoil, but it may be difficult from here on out, so proceed with caution. First of all, it's heavily implied that Jane was part of the choir, yet no one remembered her. This is like Hajime being a reserve course student, he's at Hope's Peak with everyone else, but he's more on the outside looking in. Very few people actually take note of him. He wants a talent so badly that he undergoes the Kamukura Project, and effectively, Hajime is erased to make way for Izuru. Like Jane, that original identity is forgotten, for this new one that people regard as a bit more intimidating, despite not inherently being so.

I'm referring to this one comic where Izuru is just a helpful guy who just so happens to be helping the wrong side in the canon timeline of events.

This is an image from an official, I believe non-canon or semi-canon comic.

Jane wants to know who she was originally, mourning the fact that she will never know in "The Ballad of Jane Doe" (which actually isn't a ballad, it's a lament, and Noel's Lament is actually a ballad). Over the course of the show, everyone begins to warm up to her, as much as they can when she's got a headless doll in her arms and the doll's head perched on her neck but hey.

This initially looks like a surface level choice, they both entirely lose themselves and they're the only ones in common like that. But both Izuru and Jane can be considered shells of people, as the very things that made them who they were originally, are just gone, with no real way of retrieving them.

As much as you can claim Hajime comes back to himself at the end of SDR2, technically, he's merely an amalgamation of what could be recovered and remembered about him. The original Hajime is truly gone, and what's left are the bits and pieces that could be found. Jane and Hajime, through circumstances largely not in their plan, had everything taken from them.

They both make my heart sad, and yet, I love both Jane and Hajime/Izuru. There's literally so much that could be said, but my fingers are going NUMB so better wrap this up. Please send asks if you want more elaboration.

THIS IS A SPOILER --->: Also they both have their stories end similarly too, with Jane getting a second chance at life, and Hajime/Izuru getting to sort of meld together, both become people again.

------------------------------------------------------------------

When I first watched RTC by myself on a Saturday night instead of being out with friends, I didn't expect it to really be worth my time. I had heard a lot of the songs already from TikTok, so I believed the show was pure, unadulterated nonsense. I was very wrong, and the show made me laugh, cry, and stare at my wall with existential dread. I definitely recommend it for those of you out there who haven't seen or listened to RTC. You may THINK you know what to expect, but trust me, it's a rollercoaster of emotions. Teehee, I made a pun. Anyways, here is my ranking of the songs in RTC, that literally no one asked for <3

[wanderingchocolateeclair]

I wish I could animate sometimes. Thanks for inspiring my writing and making me feel more confident to talk about this pairing.

TW Disability (from the perspective of a disabled person that will not speak for everyone since all experiences are different.) Tw Insecurity. Tw emotional angst, Survivor's Guilt, and mild depression.

While Edgeshot is recovering from the war with Shigaraki, he stays at his buddy Jeanist's condo. They have been friends for years and there's no one Edgeshot trusts more with his recovery.

Edgeshot kind of feels at a loss of what to do now. He went into saving Bakugo with no plans for survival. He was going Plus Ultra and doing what a hero should, save others. Now he was a worm like creature (the size of a keychain) and he couldn't help but selfishly wish for his old body back. Selfish because he knew how important his sacrifice and quick thinking was for Bakugo's survival. That losing his original form was part of what needed to be done.

He wondered if Fate kept him alive just to torment him in his weaker moments as he struggled with physical therapy in a carefully constructed hamster habitat. A home, as nice as it was, that still felt like a cage. The worst part of not being able to be at full strength was seeing Tsunagu come back tired and stressed from press conference after press conference. Mission after mission. Photoshoot after photoshoot. Looking down at his hands in his lap as he quietly typed on his phone's notes' app statements as to why he was so 'weak.' Shinya catching glances while he'd sneak out from his enclosure.

Shinya wanted to reach out and take his friend's hand. Especially when the other seemed to be feeling guilty for Shinya's current state. Overworking himself and trying to care for everyone (his support with helping Hawks' career change, providing care and emotional support for many permanently injured pros like Tensei Iida, promoting various charities and Uraraka's new program, and being a mentor/role model to aspiring heroes everywhere). Diving head first into work and a professional mask that hid the pained man from view.

They both felt far from being in their prime. Shinya knew this. Jeanist was struggling with his respiration and nutrition after losing a lung and much of his stomach against AFO. Shinya felt small and helpless as a string. They both understood each other's pain.

It was just hard to find the words to say, "How can I support you? I love you and don't want to lose you. I'm seeing you hurt yourself emotionally over and over again and I'd wish you'd stop. You're more than a weakness of flesh and bone, of character. You're so strong. I know you wouldn't hesitate to fight for me every day that you could. It's something I appreciate about you. Just let me help take care of you for once." Especially when they had been out of touch the last few years before the war brought them back together again.

So, Shinya, through grueling exercises and struggle, got himself long and strong enough to manipulate Jeanist's lone record player in his bedroom after leaving his own home in the condo's guest room. it was perfect timing because Jeanist had just come back from a grueling patrol with his head in his hands. Shinya manipulating the player so that it played, "I Want to Hold Your Hand" from The Beatles. Jumping down into the pro's hands from his position. Nuzzling his fingers with his head. Doing his best to say, "You're not alone. Will get through this together. Please don't despair. I love you, my friend."

Beautiful…….i love them so much 🥹🥹🥹

Gorgeous writing btw- they’re so precious to me ohhhhh I love them….

[modcroissant]

*Sits down and crosses legs like a Victorian lady getting ready to gossip*

Okay my buddy chum pal friend pal, imagine this with me (prepare for rant)

GardenView is a whole city that every night gets run over by Twisteds (which most are basically clones of toons) and there are these hero’s who fight them, the most popular being The Mains!

But this story isn’t about them, you see, Boxten and Poppy are normal citizens who are a bit…iffy with the idea of hero’s, they don’t hate the people who are hero’s, but the don’t like the concept of getting fame and fortune out of protecting the city

Especially when they are the leaders of the T.R.S (Twisted Rehab Society, yes my au is inspired by yours) night time vigilantes who find the Corrupt Toons (toons turned twisted) who aren’t to come and rehab them in secret, thanks to the law that hiding Twisteds from the authority is illegal.

Corrupt Toons are toons who are overcome with despair and/or mania and snap when the come into contact with Ichor, different from Twisteds, who are clones of toons.

The other members of the T.R.S are Shrimpo, Cosmo, Tisha, and the newest edition Looey!

Sadly the Boxten and Poppy pollycule is not cannon in my au thanks to PLOT, but there are Polly relationships

*sips tea*

I’m gonna stop yapping unless you want to hear more my Buddy chum friendly friend pal buddy

Very very very very very very sorry that I responded to this very late buddy chum pal friend pal buddy chum chum-

And I actually like the concept of that Au! Tbh, I really like stories where theres a hero or more but the story isn't centered around them

[spotsandsocks]

✨Inspiration Saturday ✨

Tagged by @hippolotamus

I’m starting to work on my autumn angst fic- had these images in my head when I was driving around plotting pain and despair

Have a little snippet too I shared earlier I a fic ask

It’s hard to work out what’s happened, or is happening. Eddie blinks water out of his eyes and thinks that whatever’s left him wet and confused is still in motion. It’s hard to think for a moment then the past and present colíde and hit his future with cold dread.

Buck, he was with Buck. Where is he? Moving himself as fast as he can he sits up, there a splash as his hand hit the water pooling around him, another splash as he stumbles to his feet, head pounding at the change of position but nothing else alarming except for the fact he can’t see Buck. Has no idea where he is.

Eddie presses his radio and gets an ominous crackle.

😊

And a little tease for something else I’m planning and quite excited about

Tagging the @rogerzsteven @shortsighted-owl @monsterrae1 @heartshapedvows @loserdiaz @disasterbuckdiaz @thekristen999 @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @the-likesofus @buddierights @cowboy-buddie @alyxmastershipper @elvensorceress @bekkachaos @fiona-fififi @giddyupbuck @housewifebuck @honestlydarkprincess @thewolvesof1998 @wikiangela @wildlife4life and anyone else I may have forgotten - 😞

[brucewaynehater101]

"The Sandpiper's Emergence" by OneoftheUnknown

“Your muse, hmm?” Geralt turns to face Jaskier once more. “My life's muse, I'm afraid. Others will come and go, but you, darling?” Jaskier lounges back onto the bed until he's propped up on his elbows. “I have a feeling you’ll be the inspiration that I return to.” ~~~ Geralt is Jaskier's life partner. Whether that's platonically, as fuck buddies, or some kind of romantic relation doesn't matter. Jaskier has followed Geralt for decades through heartbreak and laughter and love and despair. He'll follow the witcher for decades more as long as he's allowed to. Yet, it was Geralt who inadvertently taught him how humans scorn those they deem “other.” It was Geralt that inspired him to do something about that. This is their story through the decades, Jaskier's character growth into the bard who aids nonhumans, and all the little moments in between. Or Geralt unknowingly influencing Jaskier into accidentally starting a movement

;)

[kotoryba]

It was very interesting year for me as writer:

7 works published on AO3 (14 - because there are UA/ENG versions), 125k of words

3k hits and 133 kudos, bookmarks - wow, someone read my fics and found them edible! Great sincere thanks to all of you, dear readers, you assure me that I'm not a lonely voice in void!☺️

I also found the 4 beautiful muses for my inspiration here (from first to newest):

@kimbapchan , your reverse-AU TGCF comics are incredible! I don't know how it inspired me to the fic with so much angst, good that with with happy ending 🤔😏, but I'm very proud of this work❤️. By the way, the background story of your reverse-AU Shi Qingxuan are so mysterious...😜

@allpiesforourown , I hope that my story about Shen Qinque as fanatical bestiologist was tuned with your expectations 😜. I like to read your writer prompts, there are so many good ideas❤️.

@zukini-01 , the side story idea of the hanahaki curse in TGCF (especially for these two idiots-in-rivals-and-love) was written so easy as it could be canon, really.

@batbusiness-schooldropout : beware this buddy, who inspired me to write my first E-rating MDZS smutt (idk, how I made it, it was hard asf) - and the first comic (about another but also crazy idea) in the same time! Don't read TGCF in the next year, please: I must finish one of my WIPs first 😜❤️

Special ❤️ for @includedisco - your words keep me above the abyss of writer despair sometimes

Thank your all❤️! See you in the next year!

[heather-collins]

Hello! I’m really excited about your parallel universes WIP and need to watch everything everywhere. It’s been on my list for over a year. I was just wondering if you have fic recs for a related topic: time travel and time loops? For Buddie. Thank you. x

omg thank youuuu parallel universes are my JAM. i hate that i even put up that poll. now everyone chose laundry and taxes and i have to commit to writing this epic alongside bethlehem arghughg hghg ghhh. yes pleaseeee watch eeaao. i'm gonna try to make it make sense without having watched it but it's SUCH a good movie. watch it when you can and in the mood for a mind fuck

i LOVEEEE time loops and time travel! for buddie? ohhhh i GOT you:

burn the straw house down by @hoediaz

(buck gets stuck in time, has a break down and then, relatedly, a break through)

this might have been the second one i read ever with a time loop theme in the 911 fandom and oh boyyyy the emotions! you feel like you're going THROUGH it with buck, you're right there with him. and the breathless payoff at the end. YUMMM. love love LOVEEEE the reason given on how to break the time loop

Evan Buckley & The Coma-Verse of Madness by @cal-daisies-and-briars

(After being struck by lightning on a call, Buck experiences a plethora of alternate realities showing him different directions his life could have taken.)

soooo i also have to sneak in another parallel universes rec because this one is GOLD. it's more along the lines of Marvel's Dr. Strange and the book 'The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.' and it was just STUNNING. buck pov with moments ranging from confusion to bittersweet happiness to utter despair. the ending was mwah, mwah, chef's KISS. ughhh i love cal. wish they had a tumblr. i'll just scream in their ao3 comments it's ok. i'm ok i'm ok (THEY NOW HAVE A TUMBLR LET'S GOOOOOOO)

tomorrow will always and forever now be today (tomorrow is our always and forever) by @anxieteandbiscuits

(eddie gets trapped in a time loop on the day buck marries natalia)

sami is a MASTER at making you scream into your pillow at these two lovable idiots. and boyyyy did i want to just smash their faces together and make them work it out (sorry natalia babe) loosely inspired by the 'Palm Springs' time loop movie. it was just sooooo you HAVE TO have a box of tissues with you. she will eviscerate your heart with her words and MAKE you feel what eddie is going through UGHHHHHH

Benign Fatality by @ardenetoile

(Buck repeats days until he doesn't die in them, has an underdeveloped sense of self worth, and Eddie is the one who wants to step in with him.)

what a fantastic take on time loops! buck only repeats days when he's died. so there could be strings of days/weeks/months where he lives life like normal. and eddie gets brought into it at some point, or more like he shoulders his way in because it's EDDIE and he cares. ending was amazing too, author made it truly make sense! i am so intrigued about the background on buck's ability!

Being Eddie by @cal-daisies-and-briars

(When Eddie starts seeing a new therapist, he’s presented with the opportunity to revisit several days from his past and right regrets that still bother him.)

so this is my one time travel rec in this fandom. eddie goes through the time travel therapy process of the show 'Being Erica' and BOYYYYY does he. it's currently a WIP and i'm about to read ch16 of 20. Cal is fabulous with making you feel for every aspect of a character. they moved from the prior story of buck pov to this eddie pov with flawless precision and godddd i don't know what it is about their words. they are IMPACTFUL. i read a chapter and have to lean back and think through my feelings, like I'M getting therapized. what the fuck??????????????

the persistence of memory by @anxieteandbiscuits

(Buck gets shot, Eddie has to keep reliving the day until he can figure out what the universe is trying to tell him)

last but DEFINITELY not least is this one, my love. if i can imprint this on my heart, blood and papercuts and ripped out ribs and all, i WOULD. i will never have enough time or breath to speak on this fic. it was one of the first 3 fics i read in this fandom. and FUCKKKK did sami pull me in. i think i wasn't even caught up with the show but it DOESN'T matter. she set it after s4 and eddie goes throughhhh it on time loops. the beautiful prose, the sweeping emotions from eddie to buck. the 118 firefam ensemble comedy. the LOVE CONFESSIONS???? multiple????? each one made me teary and one made me outright cry. they were all different and they were all perfect on every iteration of the worst day of eddie's life. i sometimes turn over my pillow at 3 am and get a visceral flash of buck's shocked and bloody face when REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and have to take a deep breath and rub my chest because sami did it AGAIN and my brain just likes me to remember these moments i've read and scanned into my brain apparently to play on loop

ANYWAY i got really excited. happy reading anon! thank you for letting me rant about the top 6 fics with these themes off the top of my head. <333

[cinderellaenjoyer]

DR2 AU Remnant Dashboard simulator

💜Rachies-Fave-Remnant follow

'Your fanfic is cringe' you are jealous that I'm the Queen of the Universe and a werewolf hybrid. Also Leo and Aria are killing you so.

🎭tragic-hope follow

I just wanna bite into Kiki's skin and never let go ever is that too much to ask?

🔁tragic-hope

The other remnants are sending me hate in the notes. Little they know the despair I feel from their hurtful comments will inspire hope in me to keep Kiki posting

🐰despair-bunny follow

Having (literally) talented friends is fun. They're out here making despair-inducing art and killing people in creative ways and then there's me. With my Normalcore Knife.

🗯 comicroom follow

Brain? Buddy? Pal? I know we miss our friends but the point of locking ourselves in our room is to drive ourselves insane and feel despair. You can't be doing this right now.

➕plusdespair99 follow

Taking a break from managing the group's finances to go kill people brb!

🔁plusdespair99

Just had publicly execute the person I left in charge while I was gone. I love being the auditor but can other people please get stuff right the guillotine is getting rusty.

🎸rockoutagain follow

'Stop telling people to kill them selves' look I can't hold concerts 24/7 sometimes you need an everyday way to cause despair.

[thetruekyle]

It's not an act, btw.. I really Am a Father. And I want so many more kids, but my life has been violently uprooted and tumultuously reformed in myriad ways over these last few years...

The Big Hit was when My Daughter was kidnapped in 2020 by a scornful and unforgiving, post-divorce ex-wife who has since leveraged every violence of the state to target, assault, & injure me to the point of reactivity- to then gaslight me- and point to my reaction while twisting facts against me, and actually claiming my cognitive fitness was endangering my child...

AND even my own family, -who are entirely wayward, unchristian heathens (& who take pride in their atheism so that they are essentially unwitting pawns of satan) banded together with my ex and all the STATE criminals to steal her from her rightful home and my dutiful care- which I had been doing as diligent steward, without ANY real issue since we (my daughter and I) were both abandoned by my ex back in 2015. . . Even as a single parent, I made it work so that my daughter was excelling at school and generally thriving. But that has all changed, and it has been heartbreaking at every turn...

-I have since labored and fought and protested and even began studying law for myself, and each time I came near to reclaiming my rightful custody under my own knowledge and power, or to saving enough money for a good lawyer who might do it for me- I would be blindsided by yet another legalistic curveball and/or direct spiritual attack on my being... but I have always survived, by the Grace of God.

When thus first happened, GOD didn't turn his face from me, and He found me in the depths of my despair to raise me up as something new with His righteous right hand. Even now I am becoming better than I ever was as my old self, and as His new creation -as I walk in His grace with discipline and obedience, -my days are become blessed beyond measure. And even though the weapons continue to be formed against me, I am still- and at peace, by resting in His promise that they shall never prosper ever again.

So many times I've had to start over these last few years as I even now- fight to rescue my daughter from the clutches of all this entrenched institutionalize`d'evil... with no chosen helper or loving partner at my side.

But I yet have hope, and with God, I have truly learned how to recognize and walk the straight-and-narrow path. With God I have been given a higher purpose than merely finding a battle buddy to take on the system. And so even now, finding the time to earn a good woman's eyes has been strained at best, and thus far- fruitless . . .

But then who truly 'finds' a good wife, for her value is far above that of pearls and rubies. So instead I have and keep faith that God has the perfect one for me. The best one, in fact, picked out and likewise waiting patiently on her end for a perfectly risen, and reborn me, chosen by God, to be hers.

And so I am patient, because it matters, and ever since giving my life to Christ I have found every success to feed my faith and hope. I Am still building a life that is meaningful, writing a story for me that is inspiring, and nurturing my own Holy Spirit of Truth that is absolutely founded on the rock that is my pure Love for our Lord GOD.

~And so- in earnest love for our Lord GOD;

FATHER I rest on [Your] promises, and keeping faith in [Your] Word -I pray [You] send my helper into my arms so very soon.

I really want her here.

But all things in [Your] perfect timing, Lord. For it is not my will, by Thy will be done. For it is not my dominion, but Thy Kingdom come. And so I thank [You] with all my heart, with all that I Am, and shall Ever Be, and with Gratitude All Ways, always, in Jesus' name, amen. 🙏😌

[erisenyo]

❤️ BB-Verse ❤️

I just want some nice Sokka+Azula Spite compilations ❤️

In "Every Door" Azula motivated and kinda inspired him and I thought Sokka and Zuko would have to be married for Sokka to properly work for the FN Government. Or would that work as long as he is officially Zukos Fiancé?

Please tell me we'll be getting some Toph|Azula or Sokka|Azula snippets. ESPECIALLY those cactus juice ones. That shit sounds hilarious

The Sokka-Azula post-figuring-their-shit-out dynamic is everything to me lol. They live to get one over each other. They gang up on Zuko at the drop of a hat. They exchange bitchy opinions on stuffy ministers in a glance. Their prank wars cause property damage. They have that buddy cop dynamic down. Zuko despairs of it and not so secretly loves it.

As for Sokka working in the FN Government -- it would probably depend on just how official that fiance thing is. There are a few steps/stages (in my head), going from the initial proposal and as marriage approaches, which increasingly formalizes the relationship. At some point that would open up the option to actually be a part of things.

The big factor of course being if Sokka wanted that kind of work, as he figures thingss out. He and Zuko would both be very conscious of not putting Sokka in a position where he was going to run into a conflict of interests, and Sokka post-To Open Every Door is definitely taking some him-time to feel out the work stuff and reflect on what he actually wants that to look like.

As for Azula shenanigan snippets, especially cactus juice based...no promises but honestly sounds perfect for the next time I'm doing prompts on tumblr. It certainly cracks me up lol

[bespectacled-bookwyrm]

Heyya! Hope life treats you kind, buddy :)

And, for the ask game.. 4, 5, & 7!!

Hello, hello! Same to you, my friend! ^°^

4: What are some themes you love writing about?

I quite enjoy the theme of "things may be terrible right now, and you're hurting and in pain and want to hide away, but things will get better, and I'll be right by your side every step of the way".

So does hurt/comfort count as a theme? XD (in a way, I suppose it counts as an exploration of the themes of hope and despair!)

I also really enjoy the themes of "light is not good" and "dark is not evil" - they're fun subversions of typical tropes, especially those seen in things like the fantasy genre, and I really enjoy playing around with them.

5: What inspires you to write?

Lots of things! Music and mythology and folklore, mostly, but sometimes a lovely piece of art someone has made (be it writing or a painting, etc.) also inspires me!

Sometimes, though, things just pop into my head with no rhyme or reason! XD

7: Create a character on the spot. . . NOW!

Meet Greg!

His real name can't be pronounced, so people call him Greg instead (not that you'd want to hear his name - apparently, it drives people more than a bit mad!)

He is an incomprehensible eldritch being from beyond the stars, covered in eyes, and has more tentacles than a plate of calamari.

He also has a habit of ripping open cracks in space-time and (accidentally) driving people completely nuts.

Despite his incomprehensible nature, though, he's a pretty chill eldritch being. He tends to be summoned by people who think he's a world-destroyer, but all Greg wants to do is play poker and raid libraries. He just wants to be friends! (But don't stare into his eyes. Things can get. . . weird.)

Thank you for the ask! :)

[the-voidful-and-the-blasphemous]

writeblr/artist intro, as i am looking for more people to encourage artistic growth of all kinds with. I wish for a supportive community to receive my art as I receive theirs, with love and curiosity and wonder. Feel free to DM and start a conversation if you see this, I love chit chattin'.

hello, i am Ythene. I like to make things and write. It is my intention to do NaNoWriMo or whatever it's called this year.

Things my art tends to center around:

- meditation as process and theory

- body/cosmic horror

- medieval fantasy tropes

- erotica / smut / kink / etc

- anarchism / over throwing authority

- how to be a human being who lives fully in the world

- being gay and also trans (if you're a TERF not only can you fuck off but I will tell you your art bears no fruit)

- hands (fuckin love hands. Drawing em, modeling em, 3d printing them)

I've written some fanfiction in the past, and you can check out some of my stuff at ao3/YtheneTheJoyful. Elden Ring and Spy X Family are my main fic wheelhouses.

I'm happy to read works upon request as a beta reader, just an FYI I'm not equipped for in depth editing. Also to check in and do accountabili-buddy things. I'm only trained as a software developer, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. But I've got an Eye of sorts, and I'm good at asking guiding questions.

If you're interested in collaborating/improving with a curious they/them in their late twenties who has finally felt their artistic audacity kick in, hmu.

A lil taste of what my NNWM thing will be about:

When should a monk hold a sword?

A desolate kingdom struggles amidst a brewing war, and material abyss. A monk named Rhea, seeking truth, watches in horror as the teachings are twisted by a ruthless king, who seeks prosperity through conquest. Rhea despairs as her fellow monks contort their words towards war, elevating their king to a godly stature.

Can she find the truth at the root of all things, stay alive, avert a war, and kill a god before it is born?

This piece is very inspired by the book Zen At War. It's something I'm thinking about as I navigate my own meditation practice.