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him-e · 4 years ago

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what did you think of shadow and bone? have you read the books? i only read the duology

Thoughts on Shadow and Bone, now that you've probably seen it?

I think the show is alright? It lacks a real wow factor as far as I’m concerned, but it’s enjoyable. It’s especially enjoyable in those parts I didn’t anticipate to like / didn’t even know would be there.

Whereas the main selling points leave a lot to be desired.

The good stuff: the visuals. The aesthetic. The overall concept. Production, casting and costumes are excellent, the setting is fascinating. The worldbuilding isn’t perfect and is sometimes confusing, which is probably due to the show jumping ahead of the books and introducing elements that happen much later in the book saga, but I’m loving the vague steampunk-y vibe of it mixed with more typical fantasy stuff and slavic-inspired lore, the fact that it’s set in dystopian Russia rather than your usual ye olde England.

I find it interesting that in this ‘verse the Grisha are simultaneously superstars, privileged elite, legendary creatures and despised outcasts, according to the context and the type of magic they wield. It’s A Lot, and so far it’s all a bit underdeveloped and messy, like a patchwork of different narratives and tropes sewn together without an organic worldbuilding structure. (there are hints to a past when they were hunted, but how did they go from that to being, essentially, an institutionalized asset to the government isn’t clear yet. There’s huge narrative potential in this, and I hope future seasons will delve into those aspects)

Many of the supporting characters are surprisingly solid. I appreciated that Genya and Zoya eventually sort of traded places, subverting the audience’s assumptions about them and their own character stereotypes, despite the little screentime they were given.

Breakout characters/ships for me were Nina/Matthias, and even more so the Crows, i.e. the stuff I didn’t see coming and knew nothing about (having only read the first book). (I thought the entire Crows subplot was handled in a somewhat convoluted way, at least in the first episodes; it was hard to keep track of who wanted Alina and why, but the Crows’ chemistry is so strong it carried the whole Plot B on its shoulders).

HELNIK. As an enemies to lovers dynamic, Helnik was SUPER on the nose, I’d say bordering on clichéd with the unapologetic, straight outta fanfiction use of classic tropes like “we need to team up to survive” and “there’s only one bed and we’ll freeze to death if we don’t take our conveniently damp clothes off and keep each other warm with the heat of our naked bodies” (not that I’m complaining, but i like to pine for my ships a bit before getting to the juicy tropetown part, tyvm). And then they’re suddenly on opposite sides again because of a tragic misunderstanding - does Bardugo hate high-conflict dynamics? It certainly seems so, because between Helnik and Darklina I’m starting to see a pattern where the slow burn and blossoming mutual trust is rushed and painted in broad, stereotypical strokes to get as fast as possible to the part where they *hate each other again* and that’s... huh. Something.

^That’s probably why I’m almost more interested in Kaz x Inej, because their relationship feels a bit more nuanced, a bit more mysterious, and a bit more unpredictable. (I didn’t bother spoiling myself about them, so I really don’t know where they’re going, but it’s refreshing to see a dynamic that the narrative isn’t scrambling to define in one direction or the other as quickly as possible)

Now, as for Darklina VS Malina... I found exactly what I expected.

Both are ship dynamics I’m, on principle, very much into (light heroine/dark villain, pining friends to lovers) but both are also much less interesting than they claim to be, or could have been with different narrative choices. I’ll concede that the show characters are all more fleshed out and likable than their book counterparts, and the cringe parts I vaguely remembered from the books played out differently. And, well, Ben Barnes dominates the scene, he’s hot as HELL, literally every single second he’s on screen is a fuck you to Bardugo’s attempts to make his character lame and uninteresting and I’m LOVING it, lol.

But yeah, B Barnes aside, Darklina is intrinsically, deliberately made to be unshippable.

It makes me mad, because it’s - archetypally speaking - made of shipping dynamite: yin/yang-sun and moon, opposites attract, COMPLEMENTARY POWERS AND SO ON. And what does Bardugo do with these ingredients? A FUCKING DELIBERATE DISASTER:

^ Placing the kiss so early on (season 1, episode five) effectively kills the romantic tension that was (correctly) building up until that point, and leaves the audience very little to still hope for, in terms of emotional evolution of the dynamic.

Bardugo lays all the good stuff down as early and quickly as possible (the bonding, the conflicted attraction, the recognizing the other as one’s equal, etc) only to turn the tables and pull the rug so y’all sick creepyshippers won’t have anything to look forward to, because THEY’VE ALREADY HOOKED UP AND THAT BELONGS TO THE PAST, IT’S OVER, THEY’RE ENEMIES. This, combined to the fact that she falls for him *without* knowing who he really is, is the opposite of what I want from a heroine/villain ship (it’s basically lovers to enemies, and while that can be valid too, I wanted to see more pining and more prolonged, tormented symbolic attraction to the Shadow/Animus on Alina’s part).

But here’s the trick: it’s not marketed as lovers to enemies - it has all the aesthetics and trappings of an enemies to lovers (the Darkling is, from the get go, villain-presenting, starting from his name), so it genuinely feels like a trollfic, or at the very least a cautionary tale *against* shipping the heroine with the tall dark brooding young villain, and I don’t think it’s cool at all. It makes the story WAY less interesting, because it humanizes the villain early on (when it’s not yet useful or poignant to the story, because it’s unearned) but it’s a red herring. The real plot twist is that the villain shouldn’t be sympathized with, just defeated: there’s a promise of nuanced storytelling, that is quickly denied and tossed aside. So is the idea of incorporating your Shadow (a notion that Bardugo must be familiar with, otherwise she wouldn’t have structured Alina and the Darkling as polar opposites who complement each other, but that she categorically refutes)

Then we have Malina. The good ship.

Look, I’m not that biased against it. I don’t want to be biased on principle against a friends to lovers dynamic that antagonizes a heroine/villain one, because every narrative is different, and for personal reasons I can deeply relate to the idea of being (unspeakably) in love with your best friend. So there are aspects of Malina that I can definitely be into, but it troubles me that in this specific context it’s framed as a regression. It’s Alina’s comfort zone, a fading dream of happiness from an idealized childhood, to sustain which the heroine systematically stunts her growth and literally repressed her own powers, something that in the books made her sickly and weak. But the narrative weirdly romanticizes this codependency, often making her tunnel vision re: going back to Mal her primary goal and centering on him her entire backstory/motivation, to the point that when she starts acting more serious re: her powers and alleged mission to destroy the Fold, it feels inorganic and unearned.

Mal is intrinsically extraneous to Alina’s powers, he doesn’t share them, he doesn’t understand them, he has little to offer to help her with them, and so the feeling is that he’s also extraneous to her heroine’s journey, aside from being a sort of sidekick or safe harbor to eventually come back to. People have compared him to Raoul from Phantom of the Opera, and yeah, he has the same ~magic neutralizer~ vibe, tbh.

The narrative also polarizes Mal’s normalcy and relative “safety” against Aleksander’s sexy evil, framing Alina’s quasi-platonic fixation on the former as a better and purer form of love than her (much more visible and palpable) attraction to the latter. This is exacerbated by the show almost entirely relying on scenes of them as kids to convey their bond. I’m sure there are ways to depict innocent pining for your best friend that don’t involve obsessively focusing on flashbacks of two CHILDREN running in a meadow and looking exactly like brother and sister. LIKE. I get it, they’re like soulmates in every possible way, BUT DO THEY WANT TO KISS EACH OTHER?

Which brings me to a general complain: for a young adult saga centering on a young heroine and full of so many hot people, this story is weirdly unsexy? There are a lot of shippable dynamics, but they’re done in such a careless, ineffective way that makes ZERO EFFORT to work on stuff like slow burn, pining and romantic tension, and when it does it’s so heavy handed that the viewer doesn’t feel encouraged at all to fill the blanks with their imagination and start anticipating things (which is, imo, the ESSENCE of shipping). The one dynamic that got vaguely close to this is, again, Kaz and Inej, and coincidentally it’s also the one we didn’t get confirmed as romantic YET. Other than that, where’s the slow burn? What ship am I supposed to agonize over during the hiatus to season two? Has shipping become something to feel ashamed of, like an embarrassing relative you no longer want to invite in your home?

Anyway, back to Alina/Darkling/Mal, this is how the story reads to me:

girl suspects to be special, carefully pretends to be normal so she can stay with Good Boy

the girl’s powers eventually manifest; she’s forcibly separated from Good Boy

the girl’s powers attract Bad Boy who is her equal and opposite but is also a major asshole

girl initially falls for Bad Boy; has to learn a hard lesson that nobody that sexy will ever want her for who she is, he’s just trying to exploit her

also, no, there is no such thing as a Power Couple

girl is literally given a slave collar by Bad Boy through which he harnesses her power (a parody of the Twin Scars trope)

you know how the story initially suggested that the joint powers of Darkness and Light would defeat evil? LOL NO, Darkness is actually evil itself and the way you destroy evil is using Light to destroy Darkness, forget that whole Jungian bullshit of integrating your shadow, silly!

conclusion: girl realizes being special sucks. She was right all along! Hiding and suppressing her powers was the best choice! She goes back to the start, to the same Good Boy she was meekly pining for prior to the start of the story.

... there’s an uncomfortable overall subtext that reads a lot like a cautionary tale against - look, not just against darkships and villain/heroine pairings, but also *overpowered* heroines and, well... change? Growth?

Like, it’s certainly a Choice that Alina starts the story *already* in love with Mal. That she always knew it was him. The realization could have happened later (making the dynamic much more shippable, too), but no.

#anon #asks #*#sab for ts #long post #darklina for ts #malina for ts #sorry it took me a while but i wanted to see the whole season first

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atouchofgreen · 3 years ago

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Weed & Mental Health (adolescent)

Mom and Dad,

In the recent months I have experienced cognitive decline that I attribute to my use of weed cartridges. I started smoking weed cartridges when I was in my senior year of high school, and became addicted. I hated it but for some reason I couldn't stop I smoked daily. Although I took month long breaks often, I continued to smoke in college during my first 2 years. Towards the second semester of sophomore year, I used legal delta 8 carts instead of delta 9 carts. The only negative aspect of using up to my sophomore year was my lack of motivation and any minute cognitive changes went away following abstinence. I should have quit or asked for help. In high-school I asked for help by leaving my stash on the laundry machine and gave a singular puff to mom one time (she thought it was an e-cigg though). In highschool in my AP Chemistry class, I saw a kid at the end of class do a hit from a similar weed cart in front of his friends. It would have been so easy for him to get caught, he was standing up giggling with his back turned but the teacher was on the computer and didn't notice. I recognized then that this kid was so alone with his addiction that he did it in front of his friends at school out of pain and solidarity. He had an expressionless face most of the day and seemed distraught, I knew from the grapevine he smoked a lot. He was like me, addicted, and did a hit in school subconsciously screaming for help. After class I asked coach Jacobs his thoughts on using weed. He said, sitting on his computer desk chair with his hands behind his head, " I think after 25 half a joint does the same damage as having a martini, but before then its really bad for you physically, mentally, and your development as a human being. You should wait until after your brain is fully developed to try anything." I remembered this for the rest of my life. I didnt have the courage to directly ask for help but I needed it and should have asked anyone. I couldn't quit it although I should have had the courage to do so. I tried quitting many times but I was too far down the drain mentally. But now, I am scared for myself. I quit completely following moving jethin in because I was noticing cognitive decline in myself. It was terrible. One morning, I woke up and nothing entered my brain its like I was a zombie. That is why I quit. I hoped I would regain my functionality like before, but to no avail. My iq seems to have dropped 10 points at least. My short term memory has regressed so much that learning new information is difficult for me. Reading is harder and to recall something takes me much longer than before. I have a harder time making long term plans and imagining things. I had a hard time with understanding and expressing English as well though this has been improving. My mind is nothing like it was before. Now, my memory, pattern recognition, recall, imagination, has diminished to a much lower degree. I was fine last year and the year before that, my mental health and cognition were good, but recently it seems like a switch turned off for me. When I walk in the world I don't absorb information the same. I don't abstractify what I am seeing as easily, and my short term memory is really shot. Its like I'm just walking in the world blind deaf and dumb. I am scared I won't be able to pass my classes even though compared to highschool these classes are an absolute breeze relatively speaking to when my brain was sober. I can't do quick calculations anymore and I am acutely aware that my senses are just senses. Seeing touching hearing are just that, I can't calculate the same way i used to to create a coherent experience of what's going on around me. I don't have appreciation for life anymore. I am telling you all of this now because i have really experienced cognitive decline and I am extremely depressed, unhappy, and anxious. I am afraid that my prefrontal cortex and hippocampus is permanently damaged. Weirdly, I've had a dull ache in my head ever since I've quit, in the middle and front of my brain, that's been getting slightly better with time. The slight discomfort or pain is always there its terrible. It also gets better temporarily when I cry, meditate, or sleep for an extended period. I hope that after a few months this dull pain would subside and my mental capabilities would return. Even my dreams are less complex and have less emotion. All of this is what I talked to that therapist about. It's not like I am sad ALL of the time, but a lot of it. But I am pretty sure my mind will never be what it was before. I experienced life to its fullest extent while I was not using any drugs, and now that I've been sober for 2 months now and my mind is not returning close to what it was. I still feel like a zombie when exercising, and I develop a deep sense of sadness right after I work out because i recognize my short term memory and mental capability are weakened which makes it hard for me to make good memories and I get anxious about my future. I am pretty emotionless, even fear is hard for me to experience. When I am unhappy, at times I break out into a sob, but because my emotions have dulled probably from the weed, I only start to sob momentarily and then return to a face of stoicism. This makes it hard to achieve catharsis for my sadness and it gets bottled up inside. I don't really mind the mental health difficulties from quitting weed - that can pass over time with proper behavior - but it's the cognitive difficulties that makes me afraid. I am afraid that I will never be able to view the world the same way that I used to before weed. I am afraid that I won't be able to become a doctor unless my brain heals over time. I have read many studies about the use of marijuana during adolescents. Although there is conflicting research, my experience suggests the worst for me - that what I am experiencing may be permanent. I also read that smoking weed during adolescence can delay prefrontal cortex maturation, meaning I would never be able to absorb information and process it the same way ever again. If only I had read the dangers of early marijuana use earlier and understood I would have quit immediately. It is entirely my fault my life is like this now, I was too weak. Both of you have given me everything and helped me the most you could. Especially Dad. Dad, I feel so bad because you have lowered your expectations of me so much. If I hadn't started smoking, I know I would be a completely different person. Mom and Dad, I have been thinking about committing suicide for some time. I've been thinking about it at least once a day actually for a few months. Its not that I think life and the world is terrible and bad, I actually think the opposite. Before smoking I loved life and loved myself. I could feel the world like a thumping heartbeat or a quivering harp playing soulful music. I feel like killing myself because my current and future experiences will be inorganic. My brain structure/chemistry probably changed forever and I don't want to live with this brain anymore. I cant understand everything going on around me thus I can never understand the world the same way like I used to. I feel like i can't learn new things, everything I do now is because I am just accessing what I learned before starting to smoke weed and during freshman and sophomore year of college. My emotions have waned. I can't calculate complex things anymore and put it into context sufficiently. I can't move my body and think strongly at the same time. Right now, meditation and thinking about my long term memory is my only friend. My short term memory is shot which affects my learning and ability to make meaningful experiences or connections. It's like I have pseudodementia though not as bad. The only joy I get is accessing my long term memory and talking long walks in places and with people that used to bring me joy. I loved Turkey so much and the time we spent I go there in my head all of the time. I love Africa, I love India, I loved my friends at swimming and during highschool. But if that's all I am living for I don't know what the point is. I curse myself everyday for making the mistake of smoking weed or not quitting when I could have. I could've become a beautiful person had I continued developing normally. I am so sorry for being a bad son. I am so sorry that you came from India to America to have a child that fucked up like me. I am sorry for the stress this places on both of you. You both did nothing wrong in raising me, I just fucked up. I am sorry for how this may affect your work dad. And I am sorry for being a liability for the family. While I am drowning I don't want you both to drown with me. Maybe I can get a job somewhere or go into the military. At this point cognitively, unless my brain is capable of rewiring itself (maybe that's what the dull persistent ache is in my head) I don't think I can learn the information necessary to safefully treat patients. My therapist said it would take 3-4 months to a year to feel normal again but I don't know what I will do if I can't return to baseline. I used to live with such a thirst for life and understanding but if that doesn't return I feel like I am dragging life down and owe it to my memory of what life was before weed to take my own. Currently my plan is to wait a year and a few months before seriously thinking of committing suicide if I don't heal because the pain I am feeling is so immense. I want to live life FEELING everything organically regardless of what it is. Also my smarts are gone and that gave me tremendous joy. I know what life was like before using weed and I know how it should feel. But I cannot properly life, my sense of self, empathy, and life around me currently. I am walking around blind deaf and dumb I don't know if I want to live this way for the rest of my life. I would have loved to become a doctor.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I will have the balls to frankly but that saddens me even more if I can't feel or process what I am experiencing for the rest of my life. Life is too short to waste, any life really even if I'm dumber than what I used to be. I think of people who are paralyzed, people who have cancer, who have nobody left to care for them, people who are homeless and have physical ailments. They don't give up, but their minds are still natural. I am young and the only reason I am thinking of this is because I don't want to go the rest of my life with derealization of the world around me. I don't want to live the rest of my life blind deaf and dumb. No new experiences since the latter parts of my weed addiction have given me any meaning in life compared to what I had learned before smoking weed. I am grateful I got to experience and learn the meaning of life from my perspective and others when I was younger, thank you for that. I love you both so much. I am sorry and don't worry I am not going to kill myself its just that I am angry with myself, angry with my cognitive decline, and angry that I can't experience what life ought to be currently. I am hoping for better in the future though. I just thought you should know.

Love, Your son

Before Weed:

I am telling you this because I am scared for myself although it may be too late. Before I tell you what I've been going through, I want to tell you about my life experience up until junior year of highschool. Although I wasn't exactly extremely smart from your perspectives, I was acutely aware of my surroundings. In school I was more focused on how things were organized and what every single person in the room was thinking and what their plans were rather then what they were teaching. It's like my brain was calculating 20 things at once and i was living existentially all the time. I was incredibly happy just to be alive. I could recall the exact positions of people and things around me, what I was thinking, and the sutle muscle movements of people over a reasonable amount of time. I used to know what people were going to say before they said them, and know someone's personality outlook on life, habits mentality etc. just by watching for 10 seconds to an incredible degree of accuracy. The longer a person was in my focus I learned more about them exponentially. I could learn things very well and had a memory based on the things that I was focused on that was so precise and better than almost everyone I had ever met. People in high school who knew me well knew this and would be shocked how i could know things about them. Some things like sexuality and gender insecurities, presence of autism/ Asperger's as a child, family life back home, and who liked who, I could tell about people after observing them for a little. I had respect from people at school and some teachers because they knew what I could learn about a situation or people just by being in the same room. I could learn new words in the blink of an eye if I heard it just once, I was constantly calculating. With dad, I could not learn what he tried to teach me though just because I was so scared of him that my focus wasn't there and panic was always set in I was scared to be beat frankly (i wasn't scared of the pain but just scared what it meant which was hard for me to fully realize because I would slightly repress the memories and I don't like to do that). But it's from him I learned how to analyze people and the world. But he is one of the only people I've ever met where I could not track his mind to a satisfying degree. For most people I would now what they were thinking, what they were incubating in the back of their head, and their current plan of action in a glance by looking at the eyes and body. I could not do this with dad because his mind is faster than mine it was too hard to keep up. He has mind palaces that are so structured and he can jump around his mind so easily I couldn't keep up with the mind palaces he created and how he navigates them. It was harder for me to do this with people who had a very high iq but I would practice everyday and would cherish analyzing introverts for practice. I walked on a street with a hundred people I would make an observation about each of them and could later recall exactly what I saw and what I was thinking. My kinesthetic sense was very good so physical distances was easy for me to calculate and remember. I truly believed that before starting weed I would become a doctor because all my strengths coincided with it. This ability, although most ppl might be able to do it, peaked for me right before starting weed. I was very much in tune with spirituality and enjoyed reading storybooks, meditation, and socializing. I was never focused on myself but what was around me, I kept my thoughts and feelings in a box in my mind to help me learn as I recorded what others were doing and thinking. I had balls - I asked out girls in highschool, and honestly wasn't afraid of much because both of you enabled me to experience life by taking me everywhere.

#weedsmokers #stoned weed #weed addict #legal weed

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fanficparker · 5 years ago

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Forelsket | Tom x Haz one-shot

Pairing: Harrison Osterfield x Tom Holland

Word count: 4.25k words

Warnings: Swearing, angst, anxiety, mentions of sexual abuse

Summary: Tom is a troubled teen. He can’t write his papers, he’s on the verge of failing his exam until a stranger slid his paper for him to copy.

_____________________

(Written in Tom's POV)

I looked into the microscope. The patch on the display was blotchy and green with some pink dots. I don't remember seeing anything like this in previous lab sessions ever. Or maybe I missed the class when we prepared this particular slide. But my page was still empty except for my name, roll number and date. I couldn't recognize the previous four slides too. Just three more are left. There was no doubt I ruined my theory exam and now I will ruin the practical too. There was no hope for me to pass this exam.

If I fail... Maybe... Maybe they'll send me back to Chris. And it's the last thing I ever want on Earth to happen.

I gulped slowly. It was painful. My throat felt dry. I wanted to drink water but I only have limited time to finish this paper and the page in front of me is completely blank. My stomach crumbled painfully. Now I could even taste the bile in my mouth. The next I could feel were my eyes getting wet.

God, I can't cry right in front of my whole fucking class. I let my eyes wander around the students. My gaze fell on the paper next to me.

Beautiful diagrams and a detailed description of the slides.

If he's not seeing then maybe I can copy. I held my breath and scribbled on my paper as fast as I can. Half of his paper was covered by his hand while he was looking into his microscope. I tried my best to copy the visible portion. His head bent at the paper to write the answer for the next question. His blue eyes met mine. My heart dropped.

I haven't copied enough to pass yet. I looked at him hopefully and sorry. He looked at my paper. I felt so ashamed, weak, dumb and guilty— not the best combination of obscure feelings all at the same time.

He slid his paper towards me and smiled.

I blinked in disbelief.

"Return it to me in ten minutes at microscope number seven," he whispered and shifted to the next specimen, carefully observing and writing the conclusion in the extra sheet.

I took in a sharp breath, remembered God and ran my pen on my paper. I changed the text structure and numbering a little bit. Five questions were enough for me to pass in aggregate.

When I got to the sixth specimen I had written enough to pass and slid his paper back to him, mumbling a thank you. He simply nodded like it was nothing. He again smiled at me. The kind of smile that made his clear blue eyes shiny and corners crinkle.

I wished I knew how to smile like that. I returned him a smile, surely not even one percent of the brightness of his. He stapled the pages together and moved to deposit the papers like most of the other students and walked out of the lab.

I had read his name on the paper— Harrison John Osterfield.

***

From that day on, I observed that he was pretty famous in our boarding school, always in the good books of the teachers. He studied in the other section and lived in hostel number five.

I didn't stalk him, he was just one of those people who were way too visible on the school campus. I have seen him setting up posters, sitting in the cafeteria, library, park and almost everywhere on the campus. Sometimes he would be walking around the gardens, headphones tucked in his ears, sometimes he would be sitting on the bench reading a book or sometimes doing his homework in the library.

I don't know if he noticed me. I am surely not that visible.

But one other thing that I noticed was that every time I saw him, he was mostly alone.

There was a difference between us.

He was alone but not lonely. I was alone and lonely.

He seemed to enjoy his company. And I was asking myself why I was even alive.

I studied till four in the morning almost every day but couldn't even remember a bloody terminology. It was like the words hated me. I surely hated them too but had no choice. I was stuck with them and they refused to stay with me.

Most of my nights were also spent silently weeping under my covers while everyone in my room was asleep. I used to wake up and see the tear stains on my white pillow covers. The only thing consistent in my life.

But today I washed the covers too.

***

I got to know that he was also a member of the club- The Inkers. Basically the group of smart students. They represented the school in debates, quizzes and other stuff.

And here I was reading the exact same page of my physics textbook for the third time. My mind keeps dozing off.

If...

What if...

What if I ask him to help me?

I shook off the desire and wiped my eyes. The tears were blurring my vision as they always do.

Electromagnetic induction... I began reading. I can't understand the equation, no matter how much I try.

I pushed the book aside, switched off my table lamp and got inside the covers. My eyes were too dry to continue with my daily night routine. I hope I won't see tear marks on the fresh pillow covers this time.

***

I found myself standing outside the room assigned for 'The Inkers'. The club name was written in bold on the door which was half-opened.

I could see students sitting, walking, talking, interacting. This place was definitely not meant for me. I then saw him. He was talking to a group of students. Seemed like he was instructing them.

His smile was still so bright and he talked with his hands while tucking at the end of his jacket ever so often. Everything he does added to his style and charm.

He looked so approachable. Yet I failed to approach him.

I clenched my books tighter and walked away.

This became more like a routine. As the exams came nearer, I found myself walking across 'The Inkers' more often but never dared to knock at the door.

Weirdly, I had stopped crying myself to sleep, hoping the next day I'll ask him for help in studies and he'll help me.

My interactions with him were all in my sleep, in my dreams. I'd smile remembering my time with him even if it was in my imagination. I imagine him sitting across me, explaining me the weird exceptions in inorganic chemistry or explaining the key features of bryophytes or telling me a trick to learn the concept of electromagnetic induction.

***

I remember his smile. I remember his blue eyes. I remember how clear and shiny they were. I remember how his cheeks pushed up and made those eyes crinkle.

I remember how his lips curved when he was giving the speech on Renaissance literature. I remember how his expressions hardened, how he tried to contain his sadness and anger when talking about things like climate change, animal cruelty and so on.

I attended all the debates and speech competitions in which he participated this month, sitting at the back seat seeing him, hoping he doesn't see me.

He was an amazing orator. The way his voice carried his emotions was extremely heart-touching. He could make everybody feel what he felt.

I got a 'B+' in my E-waste management essay. I still can't believe. I heard his debate on the topic and... Wow. The teacher was impressed by me. I didn't feel vulnerable for the first time. I loved that feeling.

***

He even interacts with the audience and told about himself. He told us that he wasn't good at learning facts, so quizzes weren't his thing. He liked subjective things, movies, novels and wanted to become an actor.

An actor?

Can you believe?

I thought he'll tell me something like a doctor or scientist. But he wants to become an actor.

How amazing is that.

***

Next month, he stared in our school play.

I attended the recitation of the Twelfth Night. He was actually the main lead.

God! When he said, "If music be the food of love, play on," I declared myself to be his number one fan!

The way he said it. God! It was so... so... so... amazing!!!

I don't think he saw me but I was the first one who stood up as the curtains fell and clapped and cheered. For him.

I cheered?

Can you believe?

***

I was again standing outside 'The Inkers.' I peeked my head a little to find him but I couldn't find him today. I sighed and turned at my feet, only to collide with someone. My books fell on the floor. Before I could even utter an apology, the person crouched down to collect my books. My eyes met with those same pair of blue eyes. So clear. So shiny.

His smile reached his eyes seeing me while I suspected my heart-beat was non-existent right now. He quickly picked up my books and stood straight, pushing his curls out of his face.

"Hi! How are you doing?" He asked. His voice was so friendly and cheerful that it was almost like he was booming.

But 'how am I doing?' Isn't it something a person asks an acquaintance. Does he still remember me? Remember me as the dumb kid who copied his paper?

"Alexi said she saw you here often. I was actually going to ask you. Glad I met you here," He smiled even more.

"I... uh... yea-yeah." I stuttered the response.

Our confidence level was on the opposite ends of an irregularly weighted beam balance.

"Do you want to join the club?" He asked looking at the signboard and then back at me. The smile was still sticking to his lips.

Me? The club?

If it was the thirteen century then the club belonged to the nobility and I was a poor commoner.

"No." I chuckled trying to hide my embarrassment.

He looked confused. I tightened my fists and swallowed slowly before speaking— "I-I wanted some help in class. Thought if anyone could---"

He didn't let me finish and spoke instead.

"You should have told me early! Just three weeks to finals." He said as his expressions changed from cheerful to panicky in seconds.

How does he know I needed that sort of big help? Can't I ask just him a single question, why will three weeks' time be less?

But he let me copy his paper. The paper my peers claimed was too easy. Maybe he remembers how dumb I was.

His bottom lip quivered for a second then he spoke again, "Don't worry we'll manage. What subject you want help in?"

I gulped again and bit my lower lip.

He looked at me, curiously waiting for the answer.

"All," I said. I could hear my own voice sounding screechy. My gaze fell on my shoes.

I was so embarrassed. Maybe even ashamed. He didn't speak for a minute and then he sighed.

"No problem, we will get it done!" He stated confidently and patted my shoulder. My head shot up to look at his determined yet soft emotions. My heart felt like it was over-filling with warmth. I couldn't stop my lips to curl into a small smile.

"Thank you so much," I thanked him genuinely, he shrugged it off. I stretched my right hand for a handshake, "I am--"

"Tom. I know," He answered cutting me mid-sentence, "And I'm---"

"Harrison. I know," I said almost imitating his style.

He laughed shaking my hand. I laughed seeing him laughing. Maybe it was the heartiest laugh I have ever produced in years. I couldn't even stop smiling when the laughter subsided.

"When should we start?" He asked.

"As per your convenience."

"Let's first go for lunch. It's already lunchtime."

He wanted me to accompany him to the eating area. I nodded following him.

We sat on the bench and started eating our meals. He was eating as if he was hungry for a long time. And I was just somehow managing to push my food down my oesophagus with water.

"So, I'll collect all my notes today and we can meet tomorrow morning here for breakfast and then we'll plan your studies." He said, biting the carrot.

"Ah... Okay," I replied looking down at my plate. I still can't believe that he's talking to me and even going to help me with exams.

If it was a dream, I don't want it to end ever.

***

"Where's your breakfast tray?" He asked when we settled on the bench.

"I-I don't eat breakfast."

"What do you mean you don't eat breakfast? Why will you not eat breakfast?" He was surprised.

"I don't feel hungry in the morning," I said the truth.

"What?! We ate dinner at eight last night. It's already nine in the morning. You have to eat it. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" He preached.

"I can't develop a habit of eating breakfast just like that," I defended, pressing my lips together.

"You should start with fruits. I have an apple in my backpack." He said taking out the said apple and handling me to eat.

I did eat it (half). And by the lunchtime I was hungry.

How weird is this human body? I never felt hungry when I used to skip breakfast and when I finally ate, I am already hungry.

After breakfast, attending our classes and having lunch, he took me to 'The Inkers.' He introduced me to the other club members as his 'friend'.

We sat on the corner and he took out his notes.

"So, for what purpose, are you going to study?" He asked. I was confused at first but then answered—

"To pass the exams," I said and surprisingly I didn't feel ashamed this time.

He divided the chapters in our books. He collected important terms and asked me to focus on only them rather than the complete syllabus. He made me flow charts and venn diagram. He explained me everything like a story. He never judged me when I couldn't answer or understand.

We continued to eat and study together daily. After the first week, we even started to hang out together. He made me hear his favourite songs. I loved his music choice. He taught me to maintain a balance on the skateboard. He told me about him, his family, his dog, his ambitions. He asked me to do the same, I shrugged it off saying, "Not much" or "Nothing exciting."

***

Harrison praised my answers. He said my writing style was very organic. I don't even know what it meant but he surely loved reading whatever I wrote. I showed him my middle-school poetry book and he made me read everything on it multiple times. I hope his interest was genuine.

He even asked me to call him 'Haz' instead of 'Harrison'.

He kept telling me things. I loved listening to him. I loved when he snaked his arm around my shoulder. I loved the way he said my name. I loved his face, his eyes, his voice, his confidence, his generosity, his patience, his intelligence, everything about him.

I may even be in love with him.

***

On Sundays, I used to go to the forgotten pet centre near our school. It was the only thing I liked about my life (except for Harrison, but it's just the latest addition). I love playing with those cute puppies. I never told anyone about it but I literally asked him if he wants to accompany me there.

You should have looked at his face! He was so excited, he hugged me so tight and couldn't stop giggling.

"You should have told me earlier, Holland! You have no idea how much I love dogs. I even have a super sweet dog back at home." He told me.

We played with the dogs and ate ice-cream. We laughed and talked so much. I don't even know why he's sticking with me, but he said he liked the way I talk and I should talk more often. He didn't stop there, he took me to a nearby fare. We enjoyed some rides and even got in for a fun photoshoot.

I cried that night. But those were tears of joy. I had a friend and he was fricking amazing.

***

Exams were over.

And I am sure I have done better than just passing. But I am sad. It's the end of the year, the Christmas break. He'll be gone to his home and I'll be all alone, again. Or worse— I will have to go to Chris's place for the holidays.

I sighed looking up at the blank night sky.

"Hey yo, mate. How were your exams?" Harrison asked, plopping down beside me, looking up at the sky.

"Your courtesy. Can't thank you enough." I said, looking at his face. He nodded still looking at the sky, giving me an opportunity to stare at his wonderful features. He did have some bad teen breakouts on his face. I do too. Yes, they weren't pretty. Acne isn't pretty but I don't think everything about a person needs to be pretty. People can be beautiful regardless of not being perfectly pretty.

And Harrison is beautiful.

My eyes landed on his slightly parted lips. I wondered how it would feel to kiss them. I licked my suddenly drying lips.

"You up for Christmas holidays?" He asked, turning his face to look at me. I averted my gaze to the ground beneath.

"I... I dunno," I replied, pulling my legs near to my chest.

There was a pause. It felt like he would say something but he didn't. I spoke instead.

"I don't want to go to uncle's," I told him the secret I never tell anyone. He looked at me confused.

"He... He is not a good man," I said as my throat felt choking and tears started to well up and suddenly I started feeling so dirty.

Harrison's expressions turned serious, he shifted a bit closer to me. He snaked his arm around my shoulders and dragged me closer to his body. He let me rest my head on his shoulder. That's when I realised that I was crying.

"Talk to me, Tom," Harrison insisted softly as his fingers combed through my hairs.

I started weeping harder, he pushed me closer and engulfed me into a real tight hug.

"You are safe here, Tom. You shouldn't be afraid. Tell me." He kept repeating while his hands caressed my back. I had grabbed his sweater in my fist and was badly sobbing into the material. I will surely ruin the delicate fabric.

He let me sob silently for a while. And when he realised that I had stopped crying, he pulled himself away, then he rested his fingers below my chin and lifted it to meet his gaze.

His eyes seemed glossier.

"Do you trust me?"

I nodded. He waited for me to tell the whole thing.

"He used to t-touch me in wrong ways when I was younger," I confessed, embarrassed. I wanted to look down, away from his gaze but my chin was still fixed on the spot by his fingers.

I first thought that he's also going to cry. But then I saw his pained, empathetic expressions changing into hard angry ones. And suddenly his face radiated so much anger that I had to move back. His hand fell on the grass as he clenched them into a fist. He stood up.

"You'll come with me. Start packing your bags. I'll tell my parents. You will never ever have to see that asshole's face again. That bloody bastard. Eww. Fucking disgusting! He'll regret what I'll do to him. How dare he?!!!!" Harrison growled angrily. "Pack your bags. Mum will take us to our home on Saturday." He ordered almost rushing away but I stood up and grabbed his arm.

"You can't tell your parents," I said, terrified.

"I fucking will! That bastard will be in jail!" He almost yelled.

"No. No. You can't." I begged him, tugging him towards me.

"Are you an idiot Tom? He raped you. Multiple times! You're not even an adult, yet!" He jerked his hand away from my grip.

"He hasn't done that for years---"

"That doesn't forgive or change anything!"

"It's-it's my life. You don't have to make decisions for me!" I yelled this time. He froze and blinked at me.

"What?" He said coming closer, his expressions suddenly softening.

I didn't reply.

"He is the reason why you are broken, Tom. I can see the damage. I don't understand why you don't see---"

"I know that I am damaged. But it won't fix anything," I said, tears spilling down my face.

He came closer and cupped my face in his hands. He softly wiped off my tears with his thumbs. He bent down a little to see directly into my eyes.

"Would you have let him go if I was at your place?" He asked, his voice soft yet demanding. My breath was stuck in my throat but he didn't let the question slip away.

"You are my best friend in the world Haz," I answered honestly.

"And you are more than that to me."

My heart crumbled like a piece of paper. None of us spoke for minutes, just stood there on the same spot, motionless. I swallowed slowly, taking in a breath.

"It's... It's just... High school crush."

I couldn't believe my own words but he rolled his head back and laughed.

I waited for him to stop laughing. He did, and his expressions again turned serious.

"Time will tell that. But the main thing is... No one deserves what you suffered. And he needs to be punished. That's justice. And to be honest, if you were even a complete stranger to me, I would have said the same thing."

Well... He has too many reasons to be my high school crush.

I nodded in understanding. I should stop saving that evil Chris. Harrison is right.

"So you are coming with us? You can forget that more than friends thing, we'll talk about it later or maybe never, as per your wish. And definitely sexual orientation." He said rubbing his neck.

I thought for a minute.

"But... I... I am a boy. It's very shameful to admit that I was raped---"

"If anyone should be ashamed, it's your ugly uncle. Being a boy or a girl won't change the crime. You shouldn't be ashamed." He stated and again pulled me into a hug.

"You should never be ashamed. Never." His voice cracked and I knew that he was the one crying now. I placed my hands on his torso and pulled myself off his chest.

I looked at his tear-stained face. I wanted to grab his face and plant kisses all across it. But all I felt were his hands again holding my face. He brought his face down and planted a kiss on my forehead, his lips lingered on the spot for a few seconds, whispering the word 'Never'. When he parted, I didn't even waste a single minute and grabbed his face.

I crashed my lips into his. His lips were sandwiched between mine. I slowly and gently sucked on them as his hands travelled to hold my waist. He let out a small moan and my heart fluttered like a butterfly. When I broke the kiss, his eyes were still closed and mouth half-open. His chest was rising and falling with every breath he inhaled and exhaled. It felt as if the kiss wasn't yet over for him.

I don't know why but I was also breathing heavily. His lips slowly curved into a small smile and his eyelids half-opened.

"You know you are my first kiss, Tom?" He said slowly as if he was satisfied.

"I wish I could say the same for you," I said but with a sad smile. His hand moved from my waist to my face. He slowly pushed away the fallen curls on my forehead.

"It doesn't matter." He leaned towards me, his breath lingering on my lips.

"It's the first time I am going to kiss someone. Please don't mind if it's not that good." He whispered. His words only made my heart go even more crazy.

He softly attached his lips to mine. I felt his throbbing heartbeat in his chest and his firm stature. I pulled his face closer to mine, he moaned again, his mouth slightly parted. I swiped my tongue over his bottom lip. He took in a sharp breath.

I loved how his body reacted to everything I did. I never felt this crazy in my life. So... so... so... crazy. Kissing Harrison Osterfield was crazy and him kissing me back was even crazier. Who knew he could get this nervous and cute?

When he finally broke the kiss, I couldn't stop but kiss his pink, flushed cheeks.

"I feel crazy." He said giggling.

"Same."

"You'll come with us?"

"No doubt on that."

I smiled and looked at the sky. It was still empty but my heart was full of warmth.

Was it how it feels to fall in love?

Crazy... Crazy... Crazy...

I love crazy...

*THE END*

______________________

A/N: Everyone- your likes, comments & reblogs mean a lot to me. Love you guys. I know this pairing isn't getting me much notes but still I wanted to write this and I genuinely enjoyed writing this. Thanks for everyone who supported me. It gave me strength to write what I desire. Thank you so much guys.

Add yourself to the Tom x Haz fic column of my regular taglist (link on my bio/profile description) or send me an ask if you wanna see more content like this.

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asiryn · 6 years ago

Text

alright.........i finished kh3. so here’s some Thoughts. still gonna put behind a cut, and obvs there will be spoilers there.

so, to try to maintain some coherency, i’m gonna split this up into Good and Bad sections. we’ll start with the Bad, so i can let the salt out, and this post can end on a positive note. XD

The Bad:

some of these are more minor things, and some are.....much bigger, and are actually weakening the strength of the game and the conclusion, imo. so i’m gonna work my way up, from least to most Bothersome.

- the fact that eraqus apologized to ven and aqua, but not terra..........like wooooow, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you know, i was actually considering forgiving you a little bit for a second, but lolololol noooooope!!!!!!!!!!! not anymore!!!!!!!!!!! you fucked up terra even worse than the other two (which yes, damn right you should apologize to them, particularly ven), and really, you are the root cause of him falling into xehanort’s clutches in the first damn place, and you don’t apologize to him?????????? FUCK YOU ERAQUS, YOU PIECE OF UTTER SHIT---

- the resolution with xehanort........like......it’s not bad, per se.........but like.........it’s the tiniest bit of a stretch to me. like..........oh okay, dude, you are totes fine with MURDERING ERAQUS, but now that he asks you to stand down, you do??? when the fuck did you grow a heart and start caring about eraqus??? YOU FUCKING MURDERED HIM THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TOGETHER!!!!! LIKE, IF I CAN BRING MYSELF TO IGNORE THAT DETAIL, THEN THE SCENES WITH THEM WERE TOUCHING, BUT LIKE..........YOU. MURDERED. HIM. THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM!!!!!!!! BUT NAHHHH, LET’S JUST CONVENIENTLY IGNORE THAT DETAIL, IT’S FIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE ://///

- namine should have had more screen time, damn it :////// also, i can’t help but feel that aqua got shafted, and wasn’t nearly as powerful a fighter as she should have been ://

- i’m.......not really satisfied with what they did with vanitas? which was basically nothing, really. there wasn’t really any kind of resolution at all. :////

- that moment when everyone was consumed by the demon tide, leaving only sora and riku left, and sora falls to his knees, and is crying and screaming about how he’s all alone, his friends are his power, without them he’s nothing...........oh man, i was RAGING.

SORA. RIKU IS RIGHT THE FUCK THERE, SO NO, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, YOUR BOYFRIEND BEST FRIEND IS STILL HERE, SO WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT???????? LIKE, I WAS ACTUALLY SEETHING AT THIS, IT FELT SO FORCED AND CONTRIVED, AND HONESTLY OUT OF CHARACTER, BECAUSE SINCE WHEN DOES SORA GIVE UP??? ESPECIALLY WHEN HE STILL HAS RIKU??????????? AND LIKE..........EVERYTHING LEADING UP TO THIS MOMENT FELT FORCED AND CONTRIVED, OH SURE, LET’S HAVE THE MAJORITY OF US JUST.....FUCKING STAND AROUND DOING NOTHING, THAT’S COOL.

but yeah.......sora saying that he was alone? wow, i was Screaming at him so much for that one, what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck writers. 😡😡😡

- so, onto the big one: absolutely everything to do with kairi

going into this game, she was in the top 3 of the characters i was most worried for, because i was worried that she wouldn’t be given the proper development that she’s deserved and been shafted away from for far too long. and boy was i right to be worried, bc this game, like pretty much every game that came before it, did her dirty. OH WOW LOOK, KAIRI’S A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AGAIN! OH LOOK, SHE GETS FUCKING KILLED OFF TWICE FOR SORA’S MANPAIN!!!! AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN TRY TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST XEMNAS OR XEHANORT, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS WAS THE WHOLE GODDAMN POINT OF GIVING HER A KEYBLADE IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE, AND WHY SHE GOT PUT INTO A POCKET DIMENSION WITH AXEL WHERE TIME DOESN’T EXIST SO THAT THEY COULD HAVE AS MUCH TIME AS THEY NEEDED TO BE PROPERLY TRAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE..........FUCKING REALLY??????????????????????????????

also, sora going off alone to save her at the end..........what the actual fuck. again, they keep trying to force sokai as being soooo important, but guess what? it’s forced and awkward and inorganic, and after the game series i’ve played? i do not fucking believe that she is the person that sora loves above all others. even though the writers had their chances, over and over and over again, to develop their relationship, to make it grow and deepen it, they never fucking did, not even in this game!!!!!! and sora has way more believable romantic chemistry with riku and namine than he’s ever had with kairi, especially riku. you know, the relationship that you ACTUALLY took the time to develop over the entire series? the relationship that you CANONICALLY had “dearly beloved”, the main theme of the entire series, become the song of their hearts? let me tell you, there’s a real cognitive dissonance, looking at the title screen art of sora with the paopu fruit from kairi, while listening to the CANONICAL soriku love song.

so this ending, where sora’s willing to leave RIKU of all ppl behind? wow, that sounds fake, but okay. also, why in the hell is riku letting sora go alone??????? why can’t they both go together? (also: eternally salty that we STILL have not ever really gotten a scene of the destiny trio having any kind of genuine friendly interaction. the closest we ever got was in twtnw in kh2, when kairi helped sora to see riku in asod’s body. yeah, you’re really selling the MAIN trio as friends, here. ://////////)

and like.................THIS is the conclusion i’ve waited ten years for??? sora abandoning all the people he loves and all the friends that he’s actually had meaningful interactions with, for the person he barely remembers as existing half the time? fucking really??

and again, this wouldn’t be so bad, if they had JUST ACTUALLY TAKEN THE TIME TO DEVELOP SOKAI AND KAIRI AS A CHARACTER!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAD AN ENTIRE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAD THIS ENTIRE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!! SORA AND KAIRI COULD HAVE BEEN TALKING ON THE PHONE AT THE VERY GODDAMN LEAST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT, AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP AND THE ENDING, BUT YOU FUCKING DIDN’T NOMURA, AND I LEGIT DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE THE FOUNDATION IS ALREADY THERE, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SAY “THEY’RE IN LOVE” AND HAVE IT BE BELIEVABLE, BUT YOU FUCKING DIDN’T BUILD THAT FOUNDATION AT ALL, SO INSTEAD IT JUST FALLS FLAT, AND FEELS UNBELIEVABLY FORCED, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU JUST TOSS ASIDE THE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME TO DEVELOP LIKE IT WAS NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- no i lied, the actual worst part of this game: SORA DIDN’T FUCKING THANK NAMINE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ACTUALLY HAD AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE PROMISE, AND SORA TOLD HER THAT HE WANTED TO DO IT RIGHT, BUT THEN HE DIDN’T GET THE CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOMURA, YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON, YOU PROMISED US AN EMOTIONAL PAYOFF FROM THE SECOND FUCKING GAME, AND YOU STILL DIDN’T DELIVER!!!!!!!!!!!! AND EVEN IF YOU CONSIDER THE THANKING HER PART OF IT FULFILLED, THE FULL PROMISE WAS THAT THEY WERE GOING TO BE FRIENDS FOR REAL, AND THAT DEFINITELY HASN’T REALLY HAPPENED, AND I. AM. SO. FUCKING. FURIOUS. IF I EVER MEET YOU IN PERSON, I AM GOING TO BREATHE FIRE ON YOU. WHATEVER KINGDOM HEARTS GAME YOU MAKE NEXT, OR WHATEVER NEXT ARC THE SERIES HAS OR WHAT FUCKING EVER, IF SORA DOESN’T EVER GET THE CHANCE TO FULFILL HIS PROMISE TO NAMINE, I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS. 😡😡😡🔪🔪🔪🔪

okay. okay. i’m calming down from my rage. i’m breathing. onto the good! bc there was a lot of it!

The Good:

also known as, the part where i drowned in my own tears:

- the akurokushi reunion was absolutely everything i’d ever wanted it to be, it was beautiful and everything hurt 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- the tervenaqua reunion was just as good 😭😭😭

(everyone was crying, and i was crying along with them 😭)

- so what i’m getting from the finale arc, is that namine is, once again, the true mvp of this goddamn team, and literally everyone would be lost without her. when they wound up back in time, facing terranort again, she’s the one who summoned the lingering will there to save them, AND I FUCKING LOVE HER, AND SHE DESERVED SO MUCH MORE SCREEN TIME THAN SHE GOT :/

- also, when the lingering will showed up, i was cheering so hard. lol, terra beating the shit out of his own possessed body, round two XDD

- it was a nice moment, when all the keyblades from the wielders of the past war, ending up helping out

- everything about repliku ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

- wow, luxord’s last moment hit me right in the feels, and is a perfect example of why i love him so much. fair and honorable to the end, and him saying that he’d like to meet up with sora and basically be friends as just people? pls just keep stabbing me in the heart, thanks

- marly thanking sora??? THANKS SATAN

(fuck, the majority of the true org didn’t even want to be there, and honestly, that just makes everything even sadder :////)

- larxene!!!!!!!!! man, i love her. complaining about losing to sora, but then saying that it’s not the worst that could happen, bc being a container for “that old geezer? pass.” LOVE. and then saying that she was just there for someone else, but told sora that it was her secret to keep on who it is......TELL ME, LARXENE!!!!

- XION WAS A MEMBER OF THE TRUE ORG????????? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU

- BUT HER PROTECTING AXEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO, AXEL’S SASS AT XEMNAS WAS LIFE-AFFIRMING

- ROXAS SWOOPING IN TO SAVE HIS FRIENDS, BASICALLY EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS TRIO, WOW WHY WAS I GIVEN EMOTIONSSSSSSSS

- ALSO, GETTING TO TEAM UP WITH ROXAS AND XION, LOVING THIS SONG 👌👌👌

- THAT SCENE WITH AXEL AND SAIX!!!!!!!!!!! AXEL HOLDING SAIX IN HIS ARMS (WOW, THERE’S A LOT OF GAY GOING AROUND HERE), SAIX SAYING THAT HE WAS JEALOUS OF ROXAS AND XION, PROMISING TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, AHHHHHHH

- WELL, I FINALLY GOT MY EXPLANATION FOR WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO TERRA’S HEART. SO, XEHANORT DID SUCCEED IN TAKING TERRA’S HEART OUT OF HIS BODY IN THAT FINAL BATTLE WITH AQUA, AND THAT DARK GUARDIAN HE HAD WAS TERRA’S HEARTLESS ALL ALONG, AND HE SAVED AQUA AND VEN AS A HEARTLESS AND CONFRONTED TERRANORT, AND SORA HELPED HIM REGAIN HIS BODY AGAIN, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS EVERYTHING IS GOOD

- i.....actually really like the conclusion they had for ansem seeker of darkness? he was actually kinda proud of riku, and i just ended up feeling sad for him.

- i fucking loved that sora called xehanort out, and told him that restarting the world wasn’t his decision to make

- ISA’S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE AND AKUROKUSHI AND HAYNER, PENCE, AND OLETTE ALL GOT TO HAVE ICE CREAM TOGETHER ON THE CLOCK TOWER!!!!!!!! AND THEY ALL GOT PICKED UP TO HANG OUT IN DESTINY ISLANDS!!!!!!!!!!

- NAMINE’S RETURN, YESSSSSSSSSS BBYYYYYYYYYY (also, i do ship namiku a tiny bit, so i like the moment that they had)

- XION AND NAMINE HANGING OUT IN DESTINY ISLANDS TOGETHER!!!!

- ALSO, XION, AXEL, ISA, AND ALL THE NEW CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- well.......idk what’s up with whatever the secret ending is teasing us for, but at least sora and riku are in proximity to each other, and will be together again, i guess. the gays will prevail

okay, i think that’s it for now. i might make more posts as more thoughts come to me, but i think this is quite long enough already XDD

#kh3 spoilers #kiryn's adventures in gaming #kiryn plays kingdom hearts #kh3 #anti sokai #kh #kingdom hearts #there's quite a bit of salt #just as a warning #i'm not entirely pleased with what they did :///

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unkenreflex · 6 years ago

Text

pretty relatedly my therapist is convinced that i should set up a regular routine of “““““date nights””””””” with W, on the admittedly reasonable grounds that our current nightly routine is roughly:

i get home from class/work

i make dinner for me & J and do some homework

W gets home from work, stupidly late, and starts making himself dinner

either at this stage or earlier in the day/the day before, i extend some feelers about how busy W thinks he is, with the possible answers being a. “very” or b. “i have do work for a while but then let’s hang out?”

given b: we both keep doing other things for a while, as i assimilate the expectation that we might get to spend time together into my psyche and models of the world and get things done accordingly

at around 12 or 12:30, either a. W is done with work or b. more likely: W is not done with work

given b: at this point i retire to my room feeling stupid

i spend an hour or so trying to recalibrate myself to have never expected that we would spend time together, or indeed that anything would happen ever, or that i would ever feel any way about any thing happening or not happening

between 1:30 and 2, W concedes that he can’t get any more work done that night, comes into my room to say goodnight to me, and is miserably apologetic about not being able to get himself to manage his time better or do fewer things so that he can spend time with me. i attempt to navigate not actually outright lying to him about how i feel while also attempting to be comforting and not actually confirm that it makes me feel bad in any way

i stay up reading in a desperate attempt to fix my brain more until around 2:30-3 am before eventually attempting to go to sleep and just not think about any of it whatsoever and especially not how revolted i am by even the remote possibility that i could want something that someone else would be harmed by my wanting it

then the next morning i pretend not to have a headache from getting 5 hours of sleep since that would also make W sad

so her theory is that instead of that we should just plan ahead for some nights to be interaction nights and then W can do excessive, unnecessary amounts of work the rest of the time. it’s a nice idea but i think it is still likely to be destroyed by e.g. lab disasters or the unexpected difficulty of the inorganic chemistry problem sets, which would be at least as, if not more, emotionally challenging to me as the current system where that just happens randomly

also of course the other central problem is that “hanging out” is our optimistic euphemism for “like probably fucking” and i don’t think i can ethically schedule that ahead of time/also can’t because of my horrible body and its bad qualities, but i didn’t explain that part to her, because christ, she still thinks we’re straight, i am not getting into it

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dengchansaysmoo · 6 years ago

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Review Class, Body Clock, Learnfast

I'm on my 4th week of vacation and I still haven't fixed my sleeping pattern. I'm quite frustrated because I want to study well for the Chemistry and Physics topics for my NMAT but I just end up falling asleep throughout the day and spend less time on reviewing.

I've got to say that after three sessions of review, most of my beliefs, skills, methods formed in studying a subject were challenged. At some point, I questioned myself so much as to why I was not able to retain the very basics of my undergrad subjects such as inorganic chemistry. I seem to be more confident and in control of myself when it comes to organic chemistry and biochemistry. Then comes the part where the IQ section of the test has completely challenged my capabilities of thinking practically. I was in denial, to be honest, because these subjects are quite simple and yet I fail to answer correctly or perhaps process given information more practically. I have to admit that most of my skills in studying heavily rely on rote learning and recognizing cue-words to retrieve my knowledge regarding it. I was thinking if it was correlated to my inevitable method of coping with stress by repressing information that frustrates me. It makes sense, right? Maybe every time I finish using these infos, my brain would just throw them out the bin and leave it to fate with whatever crap I was able to retain. This is not a good habit for someone who aspires to be a doctor. Imagine scoring well in tests and then here comes the revalida and you know what you're dealing with but can't grasp its fundamental aspect correctly just because your unconscious mind has chosen to forget it.

What should I do about this?

I guess my brain has been desensitized for a long time in terms of studying. It's easy to be exhausted when no interactive learning has been done for you to remember and easily grasp the concept of the given topic. Although studying by the book is not entirely wrong, it just causes your head to become stagnant in terms of storing information. I currently review at Learnfast, Manila and I have to say that their method of teaching is very unconventional but practical! I am amused at how they teach the mathematical subjects such as algebra, calculus, physics and even chemistry. A book-type of learning can easily be outweighed by someone who knows how to answer practically. With that, I have felt quite disappointed with myself since my method of learning is really outdated considering the curriculums practiced by most schools today heavily rely on interaction.

Alright then, Judith. Maybe I'll just read on Physics instead of sleeping until the evening. It's 6:12am. I woke-up yesterday at 6:37pm. HDJAIZIAKKDFK

#learnfast #NMAT #bodyclock #graduate

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auritracen · 3 years ago

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Despite planning to do stuff in organometallics, I’m always so frustrated by how messy this topic is.

You want a book on it? Sure, and every one of them contains an obscene amount of details that aren’t the most relevant, but are definitely not irrelevant (I’m looking at you, Manfred Bochmann). It’s so unlike physical chemistry with the fleshy maths which I can use to write things up, or classified reactions with massive parts of theory on selectivities in organic, both I’m decent at.

Though with organometallics, it’s too integrated. It’s too wild. It’s something that I have to slowly absorb the driving forces behind through a habit of reading research papers, say, I dare myself to take a peek at how does the bite angles of ligands affect rhodium hydrogenation catalysts when having breakfast. Or, I suck at NMR. I’ll need to flip back to the maths (90 degrees hard pulse, polarisation transfers in J-coupling, time-evolution of the spin-density matrix) to make actually some sense out from the peaks in organometallic NMR. It dabs in everything.

When it comes to mechanistic investigations, it’s wilder. I’ll need to flip back and forth between several texts and a poorly elaborated lecture note, even though it’s supposed to just be a simple ligand substitution reaction.

I’m finally starting to understand my inorganic tutor. His research and what I’m planning to do overlaps decently. He once said to me: I’m half an organic chemist. Back then, I wasn’t doing things in organometallics yet, being overly hung up on exams, I didn’t understand what exactly he meant.

Now I’m beaten black and blue by this cursed well-rounded topic, I massage my temples and sigh, here we go again down the rabbit hole. It prepares you for nearly everything indeed.

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elasianstar · 7 years ago

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R #13 Accidental anger (Angst fic)

“I think I want to try for a degree in physics and mechanical engineering, oh but chemistry….”

“I can get you all the necessary paperwork Don, it'll be pushing it but we might be able to even get you in for the fall semester. You just have to decide on a major.”

“But there are so many choices! Physics, mathematics, engineering, psychology, chemistry… I can't choose!”

“Well can you narrow it down to your top 3? A double major and a minor is doable in 5-6 years if they're all in similar disciplines.”

“Ok, I think I'll stick with physics and engineering…. And a minor in inorganic chemistry.”

“Are you sure?”

“mmmmmmm! Yeah just put it down before I change my mind again. I can't believe you got me in, I'm going to be an actual college student!”

“Yep, as soon as we send these enrollment papers in and get your classes finalized you will be an official Columbia college Cougar.”

From where I stood in the tunnel outside the lab I heard it all.

I couldn't believe it, Donnie was going off to college with Elasia in the fall…

That evening Elasia’s POV

Raph has been acting really strange today, I mean not entirely out of the ordinary, but I haven't seen the red banded brother this irritable in months. He was stalking around the lair and bouncing from thing to thing in an attempt to keep himself in check, beating the snot out of his training dummy, cleaning random spaces, he even started knitting after a bit but his restless mind wouldn't let him relax. I tried approaching him to see what was wrong but he just brushed me off without a glance.

“Don't worry, Raph just gets like this sometimes, let him work off the steam and he’ll be fine. This is nothing like the explosions we endured as kids, Raph was a real live wire back then. This is most likely nothing that won't blow over.”

“I don't know Leo, I've never seen him quite this steamed, not even at you. He's been so good at keeping himself in check recently, he's been so proud of his self control. This isn't normal, something is wrong and I know it.”

“Guys! Fajitas are ready!!!”

Mikey's voice brought us all running to the kitchen, the chaos of flying plates being caught and the chatter between the brothers feeling normal and comfortable compared to the funk of the rest of the night. Then Raph made it to the kitchen and the atmosphere chilled almost instantly as he roughly snagged a plate and plopped into his normal spot on the bench between me and Mikey. He didn't make eye contact or even spare a kind word just started serving his portion of food and eating in a fuming silence. The others acted like nothing was wrong and soon the usual chatter started back up.

“And I helped this old lady with eyes all over move a futon we found out at the dump into her apartment. I think her name was Sicily if I remember right, her son is coming home from serving with the coast guard soon and she needed to set up a place for him to stay until he could get situated. She was really nice, afterwards she brought out homemade cookies and showed me a few of their old photo albums.”

Mikey was chattering away, he's been so much happier since he started volunteering at the small mythic community. His eyes were brighter and he seemed more willing to express himself.

“The scrappers are treated like heroes over in the compound, I don't see why you guys don't stop in and help out some time.”

Leo smiled a bit between bites of the delicious roasted peppers the younger had prepared, gesturing with his fork as he talked.

“Things are going pretty good at the market actually, selling my extra fresh produce is working out. I even have a few return customers, there's this older guy with hooves, Devin, who comes up every week from new Jersey. He cleans me out of hot peppers every time I take some down. I can't believe we lived down here our whole lives and never knew they were over there. Feels good to actually help people who are like us, who can look at us without seeing a bunch of freaks.”

“Oh and Don, your gadgets are actually selling pretty well. The kids love your little tin toys. You could start up your own shop and do nicely, or I bet I could convince Tobias to set up a little section for your stuff at the toy counter in his shop.”

“I might actually consider that Leo, making them does give me a nice break from upgrading our stuff and my lab projects.”

“what's the point.”

Raph's comment was almost too quiet to hear as he shoved off from the table.

“What's that all about Raph?”

“I said what's the Damn Point! You'll just end up leaving and then what! You'll be too busy with your stupid degrees to do anything else!!!”

His plate went whizzing past Donnie’s head and crashed into jagged shards that littered the floor. Something broke in behind Donnie’s eyes and soon he was launching himself over the table to get in his larger brothers face. Bo staff caught between twin sai as they struggled against eachother.

“Well sorry if I want my chance to better myself! You know more than anybody that I've always wanted This, to actually have a chance to be a part of the scientific community!”

“Well whoop de fuckin do! Donnie’s the smart one, he's going to make something of himself!”

Raph managed to throw Don away, his sai still buried in Don’s staff. But his anger was growing, all his wards were down and his eyes glazed over white as he lost himself.

“IS WHAT WE DO NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU DONATELLO, HUH! IS PROTECTIN PEOPLE AND HELPIN PEOPLE TOO DEMEANIN FOR MR. EINSTEIN! YOU'VE GOTTA ABANDON YOUR BROTHERS TO BE HAPPY HUH!”

“Raph honey calm down no body is…”

“DON'T YOU OPEN YOUR SLY CONIVIN LITTLE MOUTH! YOU WERE FUCKIN IN ON IT! I HEARD YOU! IT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU TO JUST LEAVE, YOU HAD TO TAKE MY BROTHER AWAY TOO! GET YOUR HANDS OFFA ME!”

“He flung me of of his arm like i weighed nothing, sending me flying across the kitchen to crash against the steel cabinet. I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder and warmth running down my chest from where the edge of the cabinet had bitten into my flesh. I couldn't process anything else in that moment, he actually hurt me.

“DON'T YOU DARE TREAT HER LIKE THAT!”

Mikey swung on his older brother, his smaller form not allowing him to do much more than further anger his behemoth of a sibling when his punch glanced off Raphael's jaw. A whirlwind picked up, grabbing heavy iron cookware and flinging it at Raph in an attempt to fight him off as the enraged turtle charged the perceived attacker. Mikey's arm was caught in the larger’s grasp and a harsh pop was heard as his shoulder was wrenched out of place and he was tossed to land beside me on the floor.

“RAPH COOL IT. YOU'RE HURTING YOUR FAMILY, IS THIS REALLY WORTH IT? WE CAN TALK THIS OUT!”

Raphael was past getting loud, his anger turning his voice to embers, a low crackle to match the fury in his eyes. He had his oldest brother pinned high up to the kitchen wall, trying to fight back would only lead to more injuries.

“You were in on it to werentcha Leo? Sendin MY brother away. you never thought Don was a good enough fighter, drove him to spendin all his time in that damn lab to try and earn your approval. Now you're sending him away and he's never gonna come back.”

Raph's scales were starting to glow with heat, the edges turning black as the air around him started to shimmer like the mirage over the highway in summer. Tongues of flame started to flick over his fingers, climbing the thick columns of his arms as he reached for his eldest brother's throat.

“ENOUGH!”

Donnie’s voice shook the lair like an earthquake, causing a shower of dust to overtake his brothers flame, and smother the oxygen from him. The sound of the two falling to the floor and Leo’s harsh coughing gasps signalling for Donnie to stop.

When the dust cleared, the level of chaos became extremely apparent. Mikey was trying to use the counter to push his shoulder back in, my own blood had stained the floor as more seeped from the deep gash in my shoulder and I was sure my collar bone was broken. Kitchen utensils were embedded in the wall and a thick layer of dust covered everything. Leo was regaining his breath in the corner, burns in the shape of Raph's hand and forearm across his chest and shoulder. In the middle of it all was Donnie, on his knees looking absolutely shell shocked. His glasses were missing and blood trickled from the side of his head where he had been struck as Raph charged Mikey. He had Raph’s head in his lap and he was wiping the dust off of his unconscious brother’s face as he checked to make sure he was breathing.

“this is all my fault…”

Stopping the flow of blood i hauled myself up off the floor with my left arm just as Mikey managed to snap his shoulder back in. A small whisper of pain the only sound in the room as he approached his brother with cold yet worried eyes.

“No Don, this is as much my fault as it is yours. But I don't understand what the problem was.”

By now Leo had gotten himself up off the floor and was helping Donnie haul Raphael's limp body to the needle room.

“Whatever it was I think the two of you owe us all an explanation. But after we get everyone patched up. Elasia, do you think you've got it in you to help out?”

My calm mask wasn't fooling anybody, my ankles were shaking and I was holding my arm funny to ward off the pain in my shoulder.

“Yeah but I'll need Mikey to go get one of the bags in my fridge upstairs. Do you think you can manage it MC?”

“Y-yeah, but why?”

“Don't question it, just go get it please.”

Donnie’s wounds were the most troubling so I tended to him first. Having Leo check to see if his skull was cracked from the blow while I checked his eyes for sign of concussion and readied the disinfectant.

“Here, I don't know why you needed this but…”

Biting into the bag I ripped off the corner and drained the entire contents in front of all of them, sighing when the quick release of energy flowed into my shoulder to repair the broken bone.

“Works faster than solids, I needed the energy to heal myself before I could help any of you. Couldn't wait the three days for the bone to re-fuse. Now Donnie hold still, this is going to sting like a big bitch but I have to clean the wound before it's healed.”

Pouring a thin stream of disinfectant over the wound to wash out any dirt Donnie just set there, staring at the turtle charm hanging around my neck as I dabbed clean gauze over the wound before sealing the flesh in gold light.

“Mikey are you ok?”

“Yeah, just a little sore but I think my arm is ok.”

“Could you try and find Donnie’s glasses? Come on Don let's get you laid down, try and close your eyes for a bit. Get calmed down.”

Mikey left to find Donnies specs as i moved on to help Leo. His burns weren't severe enough to warrant an emergency but he had to get cleaned up soon or risk infection. His plastron was discolored and he had several blisters along his shoulder and forearms.

“I have to wash the hide before I drain the pustules.”

“Just do it. I can handle a little pain Ane.”

The cleaning cloth accidentally popped one of the larger blisters while I was cleaning and Leo gripped my free arm to steady himself. His grip got stronger as I lanced each obtrusion to his hide and flushed the whole area with anesthetic. I would surely have a bruise for a few minutes, but what was another bruise. What was another scar.

Mikey returned with Donnie’s glasses, miraculously without damage and I had him help both of his brothers to their quarters to let their bodies continue healing on their own. Now to deal with Raph.

There were no burns to deal with, just a few superficial cuts to be cleaned. He was breathing fine and a dark bruise was forming on the side of his head where he had been struck with a chunk of concrete. I cleaned him up and left him there to heal. Keeping my emotions controlled and sterile until the boys had left the room.

I placed my hand over Raph's chest, feeling the familiar tug of our bond as I drew his energy from his body. As it coalesced into its solid form I cupped the softball sized soul in my hands. The surface of it blazed with fire but it did not burn me, it refused to hurt me. I felt my chest tighten and my throat swell as I dropped the thing back into his body and turned to face the mirror. The cracked glass obscured my figure somewhat but there was no missing the new scar slashed cleanly across my shoulder. The edges of the tight silver flesh were pink, signs of my body fighting an infection due to the wound being sealed uncleaned. My skin was covered in coagulated blood, flecks of gold making the macabre sight seem alien in the flickering fluorescent light. My eyes were blown out gold and my teeth were sharp, body wound tight and ready to fight. Though I had been unable to land one blow against him to protect my friends, he had flung me without a second thought

I leaned my forehead against the shattered mirror and just stared back into my own eyes for a while. I didn't move, I tried not to think, i just let my mind and my emotions run their course until I was too exhausted to hold back anymore. My eyes welled with tears and my knees gave out as I fell to the floor. For the second time in as many hours I couldn't move of my own volition, my body just sitting there, rocking back and forth as I was forced to stare at my pathetic self in the mirror.

“You call yourself a warrior, but you didn't even try and do anything. You could have shut it all down but you just sat there and watched. You're pathetic, you're weak and spineless, you don't deserve to carry their name. You aren't the Elasia, that mark on your arm holds as little value as you do. You're nothing but a coward, a guinea pig, a worthless animal. J.4.2.2. J.4.2.2 J.4.2.2. J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2

J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2.J.4.2.2…..”

I didn't feel the hands on my shoulder, I heard voices, but they sounded far away, through deep water. In a different time, past heart rate monitors, past the whirring of drills and saws, past dripping IV’s that made my blood run thick in my veins and my lungs heavy with fluid.

“Elaaaaaa…...elasiiiiiii….Elasia!....JAZZ!”

J.4.2.2

I started breathing again, my eyes wide with panic as my body thrashed and clawed at my binds, thick leather wrapped tightly around my wrists and waist holding me in place. Unable to fight, unable to protect those who looked up at me through thick iron bars. Wide innocent child's eyes, bright blue…

I came around to bright blue eyes filled with tears, to a bear hug squeezing me tight.

“Come on Elasia, Jazz, wake up please. Come on..”

“lemme go.”

The words passed my lips as a hoarse whisper but they felt like panic. My body moving to scramble away from my binds despite the hurt look on my friend’s face.

My vision cleared as I allowed myself to breath, the smell of antiseptic fueling my fearful visions never leaving but being overtaken by visions of my friends as they watched over me from a short distance.

“What's happening, what's wrong jazzycakes?”

The green souled one put his hand on the blue eyed one’s shoulder.

“Panic attack Mikey, just let her breath.”

Mikey, Don, Leo, …., My friends, safety, home.

My heart rate slowed and I was able to get up off my knees and forearms to sit comfortably again. Mikey slowly got closer and I held out my arm for a hug. Safe, my friend, I was safe.

“Mikey….”

“Yeah Elasia, it's Mikey. I'm right here.”

“Donnie, Leo.”

They moved as if they had been holding their breath, moving closer to comfort me as well. One hand on each of my shoulders. I was crying again, little hiccup skene sounds bouncing out of my fluttering ribcage.

“I did nothing, i couldn't protect anyone. I, I, I…”

“You did nothing wrong, things just got out of control. It was all a massive misunderstanding. Donnie explained everything.”

“Leo?”

“Yeah?”

My face must have said what I meant because I couldn't find the word. I felt his hand tighten slightly around my shoulder for a moment, a small twinge in my collarbone helping bring me back to clarity.

“You're welcome. Sis.”

It was then that the sound of coughing from the cot across the room caught all of our attention. Donnie and Leo left to take care of the issue, leaving me with Mikey as he continued to stroke my wings to keep me calm and grounded.

“Raphael.”

“Yeah sounds like he's finally woke up, perfect timing as usual.”

Mikey sounded less than pleased as we listened to the conversation behind the curtain.

“How bad was it?”

“You dislocated Mikey’s shoulder, threw Elasia across the room, almost gave Don a concussion, and I'm wrapped up with 2nd degree burns. How bad do you think it was.”

“I'm sorry Leo, I don't know what came over me I just…”

“Its nothing we haven't gotten through before, wounds heal. No permanent damage was done.”

“You didn't tell me what happened to Elasia. Is she alright? I didn't hurt her did I?!”

“Raphael, sit down.”

“No I want to see her. I have to see her!”

“She is in no state of mind to see you.”

It got really quiet. Raph’s voice getting more dejected.

“What happened.”

“We think she had a panic attack, she wasn't breathing when we found her. When we got her around she kept mumbling a string of code on rapid repeat looking like she was lost in another world.”

“J.4.2.2.”

“Yes, what does it mean. We have to help her... without you.”

…

“It's her identification code, her name JAZZ, from when she was a child. She was kidnapped, taken to a lab. Held there for years, they did things to her. I'm not telling you any more without her, I promised.”

“We still need to know how to help her, Elasia is our friend too.”

“There's really nothing you can do, just don't leave her alone with her thoughts until she gets back to normal.”

“Hey, Leo.”

…

“How bad is she? I don't remember much past Don coming over the table at me.”

“You broke her collarbone and sliced her up pretty bad, but she's resilient. She patched us up, all of us.”

When they came back around the privacy curtains I was standing, my hair rebraided and my skin washed as well as I could manage in the needle room sink.

“How is he doing?”

“He’ll live. But for now I think it's best things stay a little distanced between you two. Go on with Mikey, He’ll help you get fixed up and help you keep your mind off things while Don and I straighten this out.”

Once we got most of the way down the hall I heard the fighting start, no screaming like last time but the tenor of their angry voices echoing down the corridor had me shaking slightly.

“Come on jazzycakes, let's finish getting you cleaned up. Then we can play some Spyro while you get back to normal.”

“Thanks Mikey.”

“Hey you did the same for me when that hurricane blew through the city. I've got your back girl.”

…

That night after I'd gotten tucked into bed I heard a light knock on the door.

“Come in.”

It took a minute but the door creaked open slow and Raph stepped through. His bandana was wrung between his hands and his eyes were on the floor. i could see the edge of Leo’s shell around the edge of the doorway. he was obviously behind Raph’s sudden burst of apologetic courage.

“I said come In Raphael.”

He just nodded, closing the door behind himself before sitting in the chair by the bed.

“Are you not going to look at me?”

“I don't want to see the damage I've caused.”

“Then leave, because living stuck in the past is no way to spend an eternity. We must all learn to move past our mistakes and better ourselves for the ones we love.”

He lifted his head and I could see that one of his eyes was nearly swelled shut. A big purple bruise taking up the entire side of his face from his temple to his jaw. His good eye was puffy from tears.

“Tell me Raphael, what damage do you see?”

“You've got a new scar.”

“Yes and on this body what is another scar.”

“You're favoring your left arm.”

“I am still sore, my collar bone was snapped. But it’s whole now, the pain will have completely faded by morning.”

“Your eyes are cold. I can feel mistrust like slime running under my shell. I hate it. I hate that i made you feel like this.”

“Then know it and just realize the consequences of your actions. Learn to talk to someone instead of stewing in your own mind and letting a situation spiral out of control. I don't believe Donatello enrolling in an online program with a few supplementary night courses demanded the events that transpired earlier today.”

“No it didn't, i’m sorry. I feel sick, I can't even bare to be alone with my own thoughts knowing I hurt you the way I did. If there's any way I can earn your forgiveness…”

“Raphael… Raph, baby. There is no forgiveness to be earned, it is already given. I know in your soul that you would have never intended to hurt me had you been in your right mind. Yes trust may become bruised, but it heals quite easily in the right circumstance.”

A choked sob broke from his throat as he reached for me, only to stop himself, harshly withdrawing in fear his advance would be unwelcome.

“Raph, hun. set up here on the edge of the bed next to me.”

He moved like anything he touched could shatter in an instant, his hands still wringing the fabric of his bandana. I reached out and touched one of his hands, causing him to completely freeze. He hardly even breathed.

Taking his hand in both of my own I moved it back and forth in my grasp, running my fingertips over the uniquely shaped bone structure and tracing the lines in his palm. I did this a lot when we were alone together and it helped soothe both of us. There were no blocks now, everything was shared between our bonded souls. When I was content I took his hand again and held it to the side of my face. it nearly enveloped my skull in its breadth and the hide was rough and battle worn, but it felt cool and safe against my skin. His eye shifted from his hand to my own face as we simply held eachothers gaze for a moment. From there i felt him trace over my new scar, fingertips grazing from the crest of my shoulder nearly to the upper swell of my breast and back. My own hand having slid down his arm to trace over his bruised face.

“Scars are nothing more than marks of trials you were stronger than.”

My hand grew warm as the energy flowed between our skin, restoring his eyesight on his right side but no more. After some time we both withdrew, hands tucked into laps and words left unsaid to hang in the mindspace unneeded. We knew what the other was thinking, the looks on our faces and the emotions flowing along our bond were more than enough.

“I had better let you get some sleep.”

“Yeah rest does sound pretty good after such a stressing day.”

He stood to leave but before he could turn the handle of the door I spoke.

“Did I say you could leave?”

“No ma’am.”

“Red….”

“Yeah?”

“Get your scaley ass in this bed before I have to get up and drag you over here myself.”

Without another word he climbed up into the bed, resting on his plastron as I tucked myself against his side to lie on my own stomach. The feeling of his arm draped over my lower back was safe, nothing could harm me like this and even our minds lay still. His breath slowed to the rhythm of sleep and I wiggled upward to be on the same level as his head. Gently pressing a kiss to his bruised temple I whispered in his ear before falling asleep.

“Even though I may leave your side, I'm never gone from you. I promise.”

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #raphael tmnt #raphael x oc #Elasia OC #angst

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