#initially because my mom and sister saw what I was going through and got me help and then Into my teen years to present day I continued to

[whoblewboobear]

I’m gonna take Kipperlilly from some of yall 👀 you can like a villain without trying to clear their name. She objectively is a murderer and a villain this season. It does not make you a “””””bad Person””””” if you like her. You do not have to try and age her down or make her out to be innocent or gentle or sweet or misunderstood. You do not get to use her mental health to excuse her actions either.

At this point, a lot of these post are getting into slippery slope territory, especially concerning mental health. You can be mentally ill and still understand right from wrong. Infantilizing people struggling with their mental health can cause harm. There are mentally ill people that can/will/do go their entire lives without blaming and trying to harm others because of what they’re going through.

Like I feel like we’ve officially hit Joaquin Phoenix Joker levels of ‘we live in a society’ discourse. Yes, there are things that suck and living with mental health issues and having that make your life harder sucks. But then funneling that feeling of unfairness and frustration into harming other people is not okay or justifiable. It’s a clear sign that someone went untreated or their mental health was not taken seriously enough soon enough.

There are a lot of young and impressionable people in the d20 community (a community that is overwhelmingly very supportive and cognizant of mental health) that will see the KLCK discourse and take some of these things to heart. Please be mindful in what you post. She is a fictional character and in context of the story, instead of getting further help or seeking better treatment for her mental health, she chose to harm people. Some responsibility does fall on her in that regard. Not all, but some. There is a point where things get very concerning when you become a danger to yourself or others, Kipperlilly is in that place to be very clear. She needs help.

Yes she is underage, and I do think Jawbone has a heavy responsibility to either reach out to her parents to report her behavior and figure out a treatment plan for her immediately. This never happened, even when she admitted to wanting to kill Kristen. She continued on, untreated and without her rage issues not being fully addressed. Then she murdered someone.

Infantilizing Kipperlilly to absolve her of her wrongdoing isn’t the convo we should be having. Figuring out where she falls on the morality scale does nothing, she’s one of the villains of the season, by that metric, she’s not a great person (not because of her rage disorder, because of her actions.) There are complexities to her. The conversation we should be having is why not a single faculty member or adult that interacted with her and witnessed this behavior didn’t say “woah hey, let’s pump the breaks and get you assessed for a few things and get to the root of what’s going wrong.”

When you see someone struggling, reach out, assess the situation. If you’re an adult and are in a position to help, don’t hesitate to do so or notify a parent or guardian in their life so they get them help. If you’re underage and see a peer struggling, check in and if something sticks out to you as concerning, reach out to an adult that can help or find someone to help. Don’t enable violent or harmful behavior. /Please/ that person can end up hurting themselves or someone else.

[orphicdreamers-wp]

When You Know You Know — Quinn Hughes

Summary; In which you, Quinn and your loved ones recount the early days of your relationship

Content Warning: wedding ceremony inaccuracies, fluff

You laughed into your palms as Jack took the microphone and grinned sheepishly, “Hey guys! I’m Jack, the cooler of Quinn’s brothers.” You turned to your husband, “How bad are we expecting this to turn out?” Quinn laughed, “Almost as bad as Trevor standing up after the minister said ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ and saying ‘don’t nobody say nothing’.” Jack grinned as you turned to face you and his brother, “I have one text from a Quinn Hughes, dated December 9th 2018. Jack no joke, I just met my wife. She’s perfect.”

Jack turned to face your wedding guests, “It should be noted that the first two weeks of December that year there was a horrendous snow storm in Vancouver so I initially didn’t believe him. Until he FaceTimed me the next day trekking through the snow holding a bouquet of lavenders that was bigger than his head, which is ideally a huge thing of flowers. He told me he was going to meet a girl for dinner. He called me again the next day, this time he was demanding to speak to our mom to learn how to make pasta as he was having someone over for dinner.”

Jack’s story earned laughs from the guests. Jack smiled at you and Quinn as he continued, “This continued through the remainder of December and the majority of January. It was nearing a month he’d been needing dating advice. So he called me once again trekking through the snow, but that time he wasn’t alone.” Jack turned to face you with a smile, “I was complaining about whatever stupid crap a 17 year old boy would. And then I saw Quinn get pelted in the face with a snowball. Then I heard Y/N squeal as she and Quinn ran through the snow covered streets of Vancouver throwing snowballs at each other and giggling.”

You laughed softly as you melted into your husbands side into a warm embrace, “I quickly learned that Y/N was perfect for my brother which was unexpected because Y/N is classy, kind and beautiful and Quinn is not. But after meeting her I have never had to question or wonder if my brother made the right choice. Because from the moment I met her, Y/N has shown nothing but grace, love and support for not just Quinn but my entire family. I could not be more proud to say, welcome to the family sis.” Your eyes welled with tears as you stood to go hug Jack, “I always wanted a little brother to annoy.” Jack smiled as he hugged you, “I always wanted a sister.”

You returned to your seat next to your husband as your best friend, Gracie stood up with the microphone, “I hold here a hot pink notebook sheet of paper dated April 13th 2006, it reads ‘GG I have a secret. I have to tell someone so your my friend now that I told you. Mrs Tkachuck’s son is cute. He is always skating at recess. I think he has really nice hair, maybe my husband will too. Anyways I got peanut butter sandwiches for lunch what did you get?’ This was the first note I ever received.”

You covered your face with your hands as you heard your husband whisper, “Please tell me it wasn’t Brady.” You laughed as Gracie continued, “The boy in the note did have really nice hair. Matthew Tkachuck everyone. That note would be seen as two 7 year old girls agreeing that a 9 year old was cute and bonding over lunch. But for me that singular note written in real glitter pen by the 7 year old who had no friends because she didn’t let anyone say anything mean to her. You, Y/N changed my life at just 7 years old.”

Quinn squeezed your hand reassuringly as you blinked back soft tears as Gracie continued, “You wouldn’t know this, because I never told you. But on Friendsgiving in 2018, when I pulled the longer side of the wishbone. I wished for you to find someone who would alter your life the way you altered mine. And then 13 days later I got a voicemail from you at 3 am. You had claimed you found the love of your life and his name was win. I unanimously decided that his name probably wasn’t actually win but more likely Quinn.”

You felt your gaze soften as Quinn pressed a kiss to your temple as your best friend finished her speech, “To my beautiful, perfect, amazing and wonderful best friend. To the rest of your life with a guy who treks through the snow a day after meeting you. PS your husband did end up having good hair.” You and Quinn erupted into soft giggles as you looked at each other. You smiled up at Quinn, “I so would have written love notes to you in teal glitter pens.” Quinn laughed, “I would trek through a million snowstorms to bring you flowers.”

You melted into a kiss as your mother in law took the stage, “My biggest baby. In your entire life I have only seen you love three things. Your family, hockey and the beautiful woman that is sitting next to you. And none of those things are in order. From the moment I met Y/N it was clear to me that you loved her more than anything else in the world. It’s in the eyes. You, Quinn Hughes have very telling eyes. I could tell by your eyes when you pushed Jack face first down a slide when you were 5 and he was 3. I knew from the look in your eyes the first time you snuck out. And I knew when I saw your eyes light up when Y/N offered to take Jack and Luke to hockey practice so me and your father could have a break.”

Ellen continued as she smiled at you, “I knew that you were long gone, there was no coming back. You were head over heels for her and honestly I think I was a little bit as well. For as long as I remember you and your brothers never liked each others friends or associates. Don’t get me started on girlfriends. But Jack and Luke came home and would not shut up about how much they liked Y/N. I knew then that she was perfect for you and she fit like a missing puzzle piece of our family. So it didn’t come as a shock to me when you called me less than a year later asking me to help you pick out engagement rings.”

Your jaw dropped, you hadn’t known that Quinn had thought about marrying you so quickly. Ellen smiled at you and her eldest son, “To my beautiful son and his even more beautiful wife. Watching you two navigate life together has been one of the most gracious gifts I’ve ever received.” You smiled warmly at your mother in law as you rested your head on your husbands shoulder, “So I’m picking up on the fact that apparently everyone around us including us knew from the beginning of our relationship that we’d end up here. Is it just me?” Quinn kissed your cheek, “Nope, definitely not just you.”

[lightandfellowship]

Do you have any headcanons for Xehanort and Strelitzia? I enjoyed your comic about them.

Aw, thank you, glad you liked it. As for headcanons...let's see...

While I don't know exactly how Xehanort in Quadratum would work, I do think that, if it does happen, it'll have something to do with the "nature taboo" stuff from KH3 Re:Mind and Xehanort's "joke" in KHDR about wanting a 14th lifetime. I imagine the Xehanort in Quadratum is some sort of backup plan or maybe the Xehanort that was meant to continue on in the new world that Xehanort would create with Kingdom Hearts.

That being said, I think it would be fun/interesting if this Xehanort wasn't really a villain at all. Either has memory loss or is simply a Xehanort from post-KHDR but before the villain turn thanks to MoM. So he's just been living a relatively normal life in Quadratum and would be on the side of the good guys (Sora + Strel) this time.

But anyway. I think at first Xehanort and Strel would have no idea that they're connected to each other through a common "friend": Player. Like maybe initially they're drawn to each other subconsciously because they can recognize that they're connected somehow (though I don't think Xehanort would recognize her by appearance because afaik Player never saw Strel in KHUX), but their friendship definitely lasts for a good while before they realize that they've been talking to each other about the same person this entire time.

Like Strel will talk about this person she really liked and desperately wanted to meet who she never got the chance to really know, Xehanort will eventually open up about his mentor/guardian who raised him on Destiny Islands, and one day it just clicks for them that...wait...why does this person they're talking about sound so familiar....

At which point Strel is like "Oh my god. No way. You have to tell me more about them. What were their favorite foods? Hobbies? Tell me everything!" And it's through Xehanort that Strel finally gets to "know" Player better, because, well, Xehanort knew them for like 15 whole years or whatever. In fact they were the only person Xehanort ever knew for those years; it's possible that Xehanort knows Player better than anybody else in the world. (I can imagine Strel feeling a little bitter/jealous about this...)

As for their friendship outside of Player...if Eraqus isn't in Quadratum with Xehanort, I imagine Strel almost being like a replacement Eraqus, as horrible/mean as that sounds lol. Like not literally replacing him as Xehanort's friend, but much like Eraqus she's the sun to Xehanort's moon. The gold to Xehanort's silver. The white clothes to Xehanort's black clothes. She fills a similiar niche. Maybe Xehanort even thinks to himself that she reminds him of Eraqus...and maybe that makes their friendship a little bittersweet because now Xehanort misses Eraqus even more.

I imagine people like Sora being kinda confused at first by Xehanort and Strel's friendship. Strel can be sunny and sweet and a little bit of a scaredy cat, Xehanort can be a little gloomy and blunt and quite confident in himself (though they both have the "socially and/or emotionally reserved" thing going for them.) After a while though Sora realizes that Strel and Xehanort's friendship reminds him of his own friendship with Riku, and then it starts to make more sense to him. And in any case, if this means that Xehanort is making friends and not causing trouble, then Sora's fine with it.

Now, I wonder if a recompleted Lauriam looking for his sister would be okay with their friendship, though, given that Marluxia has worked with a Xehanort twice at this point and even tried to betray one of them once. Lauriam would realize that Xehanort is dangerous and can't be trusted and would probably try to screw things up for Strel and Xehanort despite their friendship actually being genuine with no ulterior motives (can't really blame Lauriam, though.) But maybe Strel would put her foot down and try to convince Lauriam that Xehanort is perfectly harmless.

Strel: And anyway, he's my friend—what, you don't want me to finally have friends?? Huh??

Lauriam: Ugh. Fine! But the second he does anything fishy I'm slicing his head off with my scythe.

Strel: Okay. <3

Xehanort: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "OKAY. <3"???

[2346khith]

Okay so I was sitting in my room scrolling through tumblr, when I got this thought. So basically in the original timeline both sub zero’s were actually born in America but got taken away by their father. Heck in some sources it even said that they had a sister both from the mythologies game and conquest but that never utilized. So, hear me out, what if, while Kuai liang is on the run from the Lin kuei (you know because of the cyber initiative) he decides to go to America to hide out and maybe search for the other earth realm fighters like Johnny or Sonya. But on the way he gets ambush by the black dragon and is left dead in an ally way until, a random woman comes and takes him into her home to heal him up. When he wakes up the woman introduces herself as Lisa and offers him to stay with her until he’s back on his feet. Kuai agrees but as the days go by he starts to notice little things. Like how she gives off a fridges temperature or how she looks very similar to him. He even notices it in her daughter (yes she has a daughter) who happens to have palish skin and light blue natural hair. And let’s just say he saw an old picture of her and her mom…and her two missing brothers… and a man you looks exactly like his father. He puts two and two together and realizes that this is his long loss sister. After a tearful reunion, he realized both her and her daughter also have ice powers (if you couldn’t tell the daughter is frost) but they keep them hidden to hide from the black dragon. It turns out they basically taken over the entire city they live in and constantly threaten the people living there. So what does a assassin, who on the run, with endless free time and just find out his sister and niece are constantly terrorizing but a bunch of gang members, supposed to do. Become a vigilante obviously. Yeah the vigilante part is actually inspired by the mortal kombat vs dc sub zero ending where he basically becomes Batman. It be like that except he doesn’t hold back. Heck you could have him team up with some black dragon defectors like Kabal and Erron or let him meet up with Kenshi who also trying to take it down( this wouldn’t be a one for one of the original timeline more like a mishmash of all the timelines). You can even let him train Lisa and frost and they can fight along side him. You can even bring Hanzo and Bi Han into the mix him Habdo oath to protect Kuai liang as a way to redeem himself for killing his brother and bi Han as a vengeful wraith who seek to finish Hanzo off but also protect Kuai from both the black dragon and scorpion not knowing he protecting him. Bi Han could also regain his humanity with reuniting with his sister who unlike Kuai he remembers(Kuai would be the youngest in this au. And what will I call this au… Urban Sub Zero. Or something else I can workshop. Or maybe I’ll completely forget about this, who knows.

[agirlunfilteredsblog]

MY LIFE WITH BPD

(MAJOR TW: TALKS ON BPD, SH AND S**CIDE)

Hi girls! Today we are going to get a little more personal and talk about mental health. I’ve always found it crucially important to raise awareness on it, no matter how big or small my platform is. Two years ago, I was sent to the emergency room after suffering a severe depressive episode and through a grueling challenge and error process, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder six months later. Now I know what I’m going to talk about isn’t necessarily EVERYONE’S experience with this disorder, but I still think my story will resonate with some, and talking about it may help.

It was when I was about 8 years old that red flags started presenting themselves. I went through something traumatic within my family and after that incident, I wasn’t the same individual. Because I was just a child, I would mask it. My parents always described me as a happy and light child, though on the inside it was the total opposite. In reality, I would see busses and cars and wish I could jump in front of them. But I was too scared back then. Instead, I would turn to self-harm. By the time I turned 15, it had become a full blown addiction. I couldn’t stop hurting myself, almost like it had become part of my routine. It was systematic in my brain, a lullaby that would not stop.

It was around this time my mother noticed something was wrong. She begged my father to put me in therapy, but it wasn’t something he believed in, so he refused. I don’t hold any resentment towards his choice; he might have simply refused to accept that I was mentally ill. After what seemed years of suffering, I gathered the “courage” to go through with my attempt. I will not go into details about it, as I know how triggering it may be. However, it is important to note that the moment I felt like I was dying was the moment I had a huge chunk of regret for what I had done.

As I woke up from my attempt, the first thing I felt was shame. The look on my mother’s face was enough for me to feel guilty for life. It was also the day I realized I NEEDED to help myself. My mother also divorced my father around that time and gained full custody of me and my sister. I started intensive therapy, and it truly saved my life. Therapy was amazing for me, I was lucky to have a psychologist who truly cared and with her, I surmounted years of trauma and even subconscious trauma I didn’t even know existed. I finally felt a sense of light and peace. Once I started feeling better, I foolishly believed that I did not need therapy and I signed out of the program. At first it was all okay, but soon, symptoms started to present themselves. I would get angry at little things often, I would lock myself in a room, I cut off a majority of my friends out of paranoia and I started lacking basic empathy for people I cared about (I still had empathy, don’t get me wrong, I just didn’t care about hurting people’s feelings if need see fit).

When I had refused to leave my room for 2 weeks and wouldn’t show up to class, my mom got extremely worried and attempted to take me outside for some air. She knew immediately something was wrong, I was laying down sobbing relentlessly and no matter what she did, I truly could not stop. She saw the fresh wounds on my legs as well. Out of fear that something might happen to me, she rushed me to the hospital.

From there on, I promise, my life got better, and for real this time. After I was diagnosed, I started learning how to manage it with a combination of therapy and anger management classes. I grew back, not into the person I initially was, but a new person. Some days are better than others, but I am grateful now for every blessing I have. I celebrated one full year of sobriety from self-harm a while ago as well! I have a great circle of friends who keep me grounded and make me feel valued above all else. The constant ringing of thoughts of death has ceased and I truly live a life filled with gratitude. Life may not be the same after an attempt, that is true, but I’m grateful I get to live a life. So many people do not get that opportunity. I know it is hard to reach out when you need help; but trust me, it’s worth it in the end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it may seem.

so much love,

a girl unfiltered 💋

[themanifestingbrat]

Favorite things I've manifested using the law.

Dating my sp There was a third party and "challenging" circumstances but I truly did not gaf. I persisted by saying that's my boo anytime I saw or thought of him, ofc seeing him all the time helped.

Desired apartment When I was moving with my mom, I fell in love with the first apartment we toured. I told her that's the one and despite her doubts and concerns, I didn't care. There was no way in hell I was going to live anywhere else. The application and move in process was extremely easy.

Desired jobs Pretty much every job I worked at, I manifested. Whether it was me simply imagining myself working there, "hearing" the call back that I was hired, or also "hearing" a family member saying they were proud of me.

$200 I felt like I had "blocks" in regards to money so I chose a small amount to manifest. Just claimed it and thought about what I was going to do with it. Came in less than three days. Randomly saw the amount around $300 added to my bank account from the government I think??

Desired friend Despite both of us being in two different cliques and having only a few classes together, I thought she looked so cool and just wanted to be friends with her lmao. I think I initiated conversations with her at first but then before I knew it, she was coming over to my house and we would hang out after school a lot. We are still close to this day.

Free drinks/food This is easy since I already had people always buying me free shit. So whenever I wanted to eat but didn’t want to pay, someone somehow always came through!

People's response/reactions These are usually instant because I'd immediately assume what they would say before they even get a chance to. I would simply imagine their response in a way that felt real and go from there.

Braces This one took me so long to manifest because I would not let it goooo! I wanted to fix my teeth so fucking badd. But after finally giving up and not caring about it anymore, randomly my parents just said they’ll pay for my braces.

Beauty I was hella insecure even though I always been told that I was beautiful. I didn't want to be beautiful tho, I wanted to be hot, cool, and sexy. I wanted to be desired and pull people left and right. I started to just tell myself that I was hot regardless of my insecurites. Now, while I didn't manifest any major appearance changes, just my mindset and confidence (maybe a lil makeup too) helped. I now can pull anyone and have people constantly staring at me, calling me hot, gorgeous, stunning, etc.

Desired School I was in my senior year and happened to tour a prestigous fashion school. Even though it was hella expensive and not everyone could get it in, I wanted to go to school there just for status lmao. I persisted and got accepted! Now, if only I could've manifested my parents to not force me to go to college...

Desired Sister I used to bitch and complain about how my sister is irresponsible, inconsiderate, and rude all the gotdamn time. But I learned EIYPO and I stopped. Whenever she pissed me off, I didn't react the way I usually would, I would leave it alone and maybe affirmed in my favor at times. Then her whole demeanor changed, she more kind, caring, and dependable and we don't fight anymore. She still be getting on my nerves sometimes tho.

My old friend to reach out This one was a doozy. So I was bored at 2am and watched a Youtube video about the 369 method. I decided to try it and chose a friend I haven't spoken to in a year because of a bad falling out. I kinda missed her so I used her for the method and went to bed right after. I get up a few hours later for work and I check my ig and she dm'ed me exactly what I wrote! I thought I was in a twilight zone, I couldn't believe I manifested it so fast!

My “perfect” partner I wrote a long ass list of things I wanted in a partner. But here's the thing, I admired my sister's relationship with her bf because they were so in love. So when I finaly met and started dating my bf, he checked off almost everything on my list AND the qualities of my sister's bf, the good... and the bad, which is why he's my ex now lmfao.

My dream car Way before it was time for me to get a car of my own, I always wanted a Jeep wrangler. Anytime I would see it on the road, I would claim it as my car, I would tell people it's my dream car, and I had it on my vision board. I even went to a dealership to test drive one, it was so fun! I also visualized myself driving it. When it was time to find one, I did get scared I wasn't going to find one I liked at a good price but I persisted and now I have one!

[dejaroze]

KATHERINE INFO DUMP UNDER CUT

Katherine - Born into a Rich, respected family. Overall happy childhood for the most part, she was always a bit spoiled and sheltered but still learned how to manage for herself as she got older. Her mom was still around, although throughout her childhood she was trying to build an alliance with witch hunters in gravesfield ( how they travel realms can be a whole other rant ) anyways, her dad left for his other secret family, ( Katherine has two older half brothers from him ) so Katherine didn’t see her dad much after she was 4. Only during family events as he only really married Katherine’s mom for the family name.

Before he left, Katherine’s little sister, Victoria was born. ( Victoria is my friends oc, way she was made was so fun. I told my friend about my belos obsession and convinced her to watch toh, she liked it so she asked if she could make Katherine a sister. Love her<3 ) Katherine and Victoria are close close. When Katherine was about 11 and Victoria was 7, their mother was killed by witch hunters. Leaving them with their step-mother, who their mother married just years before.

Their step mom loved the girls as much as their mother did, but the girls didn’t really see her the same since they didn’t know her all that well. Katherine inherited the ooohohohohohooo special family heirloom ohoohohohohooo when she was 16, allowing her to access the human realm, despite remembering what happened to her mother, she went through with it, bringing her aunt and older cousins along, ( Victoria was 12 at the time so they decided it’d be better she stay home. ) aswell as one of her half-brothers ( I am yet to find names for ether of them.. sigh… ) They explored a bit out of town, while making it there they walked past the place Katherine’s mother was hung, which was her and Katherine’s aunt old hangout tree.

Anyways, she meets Philip initially at church because she was curious how religion worked. ( newsflash, she came out confused af. She was like a robot amongst humans. Not to mention she would put on the cringiest English accent it would hurt me. And generally she just stood out because she refused to let go of her colorful accessories and makeup for the trip. Fucking dork I love her. )

Anyways, they spoke briefly and from then on whenever she saw Philip she approached him, even though it was obvious he was kinda trying to avoid her. When they do become buddies in a way, Katherine goes home but still makes it a point to sneak to the human realm to see Philip, eventually she brings Victoria and her and Philip have a very much sister brother relationship. Katherine is so happy to see her loved ones get along she clings to them both like crazy.

Victoria is very much Katherine’s voice of reason.

[adventuringblind]

hi!! i just want to know who hurt you /j how did you get the idea to write 'Drowning beneath your weight'

Okay, so, due to the nature of dbyw I'm adding a a cut.

Buckle up! This is a long one. Also known as Ren trauma dumping on main again....

Warnings for below the cut: p*dophilia, drugs, alcohol, religious trauma, r*pe, SA, grooming, and probably others....

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE!! I am not responsible for making you feel comfortable and my inbox is not a place to make it known you ignored the warnings.

So, the initial idea actually stemmed from my mom. We were watching DTS (sue me) and my mom saw Zak and Lando on screen together and lost her shit.

(Please keep in mind that my mom IS a victim of grooming, molestation, rape, and pedophilia. She has also worked with kids and youth who had been through some hard situations.)

She can't stand Zak Brown, and every time she sees him, he will pray on his downfall. Specifically because of how his relationship to Lando looks in her eyes.

Neither I nor my mom know these people personally. I can't say that's accurate or not because truthfully, I don't know.

The idea originally was also not meant to have any kind of twincest, forced or otherwise. It just wasn't there. Lexi wasn't even a thing until I was planning (plotting, more like) with my beta reader. Lexi was originally supposed to he younger than Lando by a couple of years, and when Lando is later asked about I her age, he panics and lies, saying they are born on the same day. As in, he claims them twins when they aren't. I then ran with the idea of what if they WERE actually twins. Then I had to re write the entire damn thing because I wasn't going to actually put the twins in a scenario where they are romantically involved.

Ironically, I think that dbyw has a lot less to do with my own trauma. From a personal standpoint, I've been sexually assaulted and raped, but not in that kind of context. It's all (as far as I know) always been people my own age.

The bdsm au was an excuse for me to write in collars and throw in some fun extra ways of interacting. It's also my own way of creating what would be a traditional way of looking at things. I have been in an environment, specifically religious, where it's easy to get preyed upon and groomed because someone is in a position of authority. It's why Norris family, in this scenario, has a traditional view of things. They are more concerned about whether their kids are successful and making them look good, then if they are safe. Which is, unfortunately, how I was raised to act. How my family was being perceived was more important than me getting the mental health treatment I needed and what got us into some really fucked up situations including my mom being raped by one of those authority church members and for image sakes calling it an affair. An abusive dad that never got talked to about his actions despite everyone seeing it because they needed him to lead, and him being hailed a hero for taking my mom back.

I couldn't really fit that kind of power dynamic in through religion because of how the story is laid out. The AU works so much better and gets across that point still.

Lexi is actually based on my younger sister. NO, WE'VE NOT EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT! I just mean personality wise. She's an artist like Lexi and communicates a lot through her creativity. Also, like Lexi, she has been through a sexual experience where she purposefully got herself drunk and did drugs to help make her look like she was enjoying it. She was about 14/15 when this happened.

In dbyw it's Zak doing it to Lando and Lexi, but the initial idea stemmed from that situation.

So yeah... the idea stemmed from a lot of different things. I'm planning on writing the original version of the story where Lando and the OC are not twins just to share with yall how far it spiraled.

Hope that answered your question!!

[msmargaretmurry]

Anything you can tell us about your eldest daughter Quinn Hughes fic idea? That sounds amazing and I’d love to hear a little about what sort of ideas and thoughts you have floating around for it!

anon, i am so tickled that you've asked. i am unfortunately one of those people who refuses to reveal TOO much about a story before i'm done with it (i feel like i was like 50k into head above water and my friends were still like, so uh, are you gonna tell us... what it's about......) BUT i am happy to share a few little thoughts and feelings! under the cut, to spare y'all's dashboards.

i must say my off the bat that my eldest daughter quinn concept was fully inspired by ao3 user bropunzeling's girl!leon extended universe. firstly it's just great and secondly i was super enamored with her worldbuilding around women in the nhl and so i am uhhh borrowing heavily on that front, thanks jess :)

the main thought that initially sent me spiraling on this concept was thinking how the mama hughes teaching her boys hockey thing could be flipped in a fun way to be like, maybe the nhl was wasn't quite letting women in yet in ellen's day even though she might have been good enough, so quinn "mama's girl" hughes has strong feelings about having the kind of career her mom deserved. i then saw this clip of baby ellen telling the dallas local news that she wanted to play pro hockey and i DID have so many feelings i had to lie down.

i also like thinking about how eldest sister quinn would still be super protective of and proud of her little brothers but also have complicated feelings about how much easier it is for them to navigate a sport and a world designed for them, whereas it only begrudgingly made space for her. the girl!quinn in my head has a complicated relationship with femininity and struggles with figuring out how she wants to be vs how she feels like she needs to be to make it as a girl in the nhl, and because of this she has a strict "no sex/romance with fellow hockey players" rule but unfortunately for her she IS going to eventually fall ass over tits for brady tkachuk and is going to have a minor breakdown the first time she thinks she might want to kiss him. terrible!! that's her best friend!!! he's not even hot!!!!!

also i just think the image of her and girl!petey swiping through dating apps and judging the men of various nhl cities together is very funny 😌

anyway i've got like 15k of it in a gdoc that i have been kind of stuck on but i actually did a little reworking of the story structure tonight and so i think it might work better now?? only time will tell!!

[hotcrossbun]

potential trigger warning:

I'm unsure of all the triggers I'll post so read at your own discretion. thank you. (addiction, divorce, DV, homelessness, sewer slide ideation, family separation) ((i think thats all))

diagnosed: bipolar 2, PTSD, gad.

ive been diagnosed bipolar 2 for 11 years. I'm only 26 years old but I feel my life has spun a little out of control this last year- since November of 2022. I impulsively (and probably mid episode) got married 5 years ago (2018) to a person I knew in high school. my daughter was only about 10 months old. it was really great while we were initially seeing each other but got married after only 2 weeks of officially dating. 😬 I was scared of the idea of being a single mom, trying to do it all and be mom and dad. and i did love them, we knew each other well for years and fell out for a while, but I wanted a sense of family and stability for myself and my daughter. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but very very quickly the relationship turned. a lot of it was my fault- but there's plenty of issues that went around. I wasn't managing my illness well and they had been diagnosed BPD. their family eventually pulled back and enabled behaviors. there was a lot of abuse to each other from both sides. physical and emotional.

my daughter saw a lot she shouldn't have, me with injuries that probably scared her, listening to a lot of yelling and bad things. I feel horrible about it. I feel like I didn't protect her correctly but I still wanted her to have a family. I tried to leave multiple times but felt I had no where to really go- I felt safer in the chaos, at least it made sense, right? my instability and lack of support had transferred to my daughter unintentionally and I can't forgive myself for it.

after my ex spouse was arrested for DV in March this year we continued to talk and communicate when we weren't supposed to. ( no contact order ) maybe a little trauma bond-y but we both got evicted from the apartment and bc of a lack of support in my life we moved into another place together. I felt me and my daughter wouldn't have had a place to go. but the relationship was the same. we both triggered the worst parts of each other and both were pretty heavily drinking nightly at this point:(

they got charged officially in early July and when the court stuff was over they really never came back home. it was right before Father's Day and it really hurt me and luckily my daughter isn't really old enough to quite understand yet. (she's young, also a bit on the spectrum and has some speech development delays)

but I hurt for her because they decided to no longer be a part of either of our lives. (since July they have spoken to her 3 times and moved away from our hometown as well) ((everytime they spoke i had advocated for the communication))

my daughter and I moved a few states away for the summer to try to restart closer to my sister but my drinking was a little out of control. the divorce was finalized after our move and it hurt me a lot. I felt that I would tolerate anything for their love but they couldn't accept consequences to their actions. and I think it triggered a deep mixed episode I wasn't aware I was in. but I almost figured it out, I had an apartment lined up in a new state- 2 jobs, a new drivers license and insurance in a new state, my daughter was enrolled to start school. (all done while severely impaired, I was constantly under the influence of alcohol) ((sober now but probably would still drink given the ability, sadly enough.)) we were going to move out of my sister's as soon as I paid the deposit for our new place and my application got accepted to the complex- but the night before my daughter was supposed to start school I was deeply intoxicated and my sister noticed. she has a very low tolerance for any form of substance abuse and I did know that. I just rationalized what I was doing- I thought bc I was sad and upset- going through a lot- since it wasn't illegal- since I was still getting things done- that it was okay. we got kicked out of my sister's house that night and had to stay in a hotel for about a week.

while we stayed in the hotel I got very very low and contemplated sewer slide, my daughter couldn't get to school bc I didn't have a car and the buses didn't go all the way out to where we were, my sister wouldn't watch my daughter so I could work, and I was running low on funds to continue to pay for the room and a deposit on my apartment. I felt alone and like there was nothing left I could do. I acknowledged my negative consequences to my decisions, and the guilt hit hard, i just felt so lost. my wallet got stolen and had my card maxed out. we couldn't fly back to my home state bc my ID was in my wallet and I thought we were going to be homeless. I made some calls and long story short now we live with my daughters bio father, after a lot of borrowed money and a 18 hour car ride, and a lot of grateful feelings towards him and to the universe.❤️

I've always loved this man, I am now dating him again. he's never done wrong by me, it was always me that left and created any of the minute conflicts we've had. I think it has been a long time coming- me and my daughters dad being back together- he has been my best friend for longer than I can really put my finger on. but sometimes I feel like I've just lost all control of my life and worry we're just together bc I lost everything, because we've always been there for each other. recognizably harsh, he would be hurt if I said that, and doesn't lead me to think that. I just worry. he's not a perfect guy, he has tendencies at times that are hard to cope with but I love him for it it all. he's been through a lot lately too- but he's kind and tries really hard to be here for me even when I don't want him to be. he loves me and sees me, our upbringings are different but similar enough to be compatible. he helps me be better, more open, he keeps my heart and soul soft. hes no stranger to mental illness in himself or his family, but also doesn't struggle in the same way as me. I understand him and I hope he feels as if I've been here for him the same way as well.

last night after a long long trip, I started to feel a little episode starting to creep up after handling some situational and circumstantial things that are from our pasts. we both respected each other's separate lives but now have to make them coincide. collaborate and mix our separate lives into one. and now I feel like I'm in another mixed state. wanting to change my emotional identity and be someone else, impulsive feelings and manic thinking and lots and lots of guilt and feeling like an imposter, like I don't deserve to be here in this life or to be cared about. to be taken care of. to participate.

I know this man doesn't trigger me the same way but I have some deep rooted issues and emotional instability that I've been able to keep at bay for the most part. but there's a big part of me that recognizes that just 6 months ago this is not at all where I pictured myself or my daughter. I wouldn't truly change anything about right now- I'm happier ironically and feel safe. it was an off route to happiness I feel. but I fell behind again in things like med insurance and jobs and my daughter going to school bc of moving from out of state to back into our home state, and I have some solutions to these issues, we are balancing responsibilities that contain large dynamics that are so new- but what if the instability never ends? my life is unstable. it always has been. same with my emotions. am I bringing chaos to others lives?

how am I supposed to trust myself in the new life and 'solutions' and know if it's actually coming from a stable non-episode thinking? I always trust everything initially and then it turns into something else, like others are misleading me and I'm misleading myself, maybe that I'm misleading them, with or without the intention to do so. I internalize and am self aware almost to a detriment and I think it just causes more issues, bc I don't know what really is sane and what's not sometimes. am I delusional? am I missing the bigger picture? I love hard and feel everything so deeply idk what to trust anymore.

luckily my daughter is adjusting well, she's smart and kind and healthy, she's strong and willful. I just know that it's probably so hard on her and she lost the person she knew her whole life as her father. been moved around and the one thing she wanted to do was go to school and I couldn't do that for her. I feel so guilty. she's happy, her bio dad loves her so much but also I know that huge transitions for little ones isn't always easy and losing people no matter who they are hurts. she may not get it super well right now but I worry when she's older and really starts to grasp everything that has happened it will be something she will genuinely struggle with. it feels like its my fault. I wasn't dealt the best hand in life and although I do my best with it, by default it's her life now too.

I guess I wanted to express, maybe get some validation and advice. I'm seeking therapeutic services but waiting lists are forever long and it doesn't seem to be possible at the moment. I'm holding in there, I'm okay, just feels like everything could not be okay in a moments notice. I feel alone in my type of situation and feel so misunderstood by some people who've meant the most to me. I can't blame anyone though for not understanding bc I don't really understand it myself. I'm strong but only so beefed. smart but only so intelligent. I worry this is my life now. constantly just waiting for the ups and downs to make themselves known, and the consequences of my actions to be the things to tell me that I was in an episode and wasn't thinking clearly.

if you got to the end of this thank you for your time. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I have very little family. I know my boyfriend loves me but I won't bring him down with my worries. I know that these neg feelings are probably fleeting but the consequences of life never are. I just wanted better for my daughters experiences. for her emotional well-being and her stability. I hope I am on the correct life path bc I am growing tired and a little hopeless that I am making the same mistakes. thank you again⛅

[watermelonrants]

Breasts and Eggs - 3.5/5

I think that most modern working class women might find this book comforting, in the sense that it is quite relatable. Basically, this story centers around the experience of womanhood. It offers us a peek into the various perspectives of women leading different lives, having different opinions. Mostly about existence and relationships. Ever felt the frustration of being a woman not born privileged to be pretty, to a good family, nor rich? Going through an existential crisis? Read this. Got angry at the world for having a single parent who you saw worked to the bone to provide for you? I'm sure a lot of people have felt and experienced that…

This book can be divided into two parts, and for me, the first part was a far better read. There were times I felt like I was just reading a series of rants though, that I just skimmed through them. The surrealism scenes felt weird as well that I initially assumed the mc was a lesbian. lol. Or maybe surrealism just isn't my thing.

As an antinatalist, I'm happy to read that antinatalism IS FINALLY represented. And it ENRAGED me how the mc still chose to have her own child after all that transpired in her life. I found it difficult to sympathize with and comprehend her decision. I understand that everyone makes selfish decisions all the time, whether it is to give birth or not, that she's seeing the beauty in life, but has she not learned from the experience of her mother and her sister? Or did she not listen to Yuriko? If what I remember is correct, somehow Natsuko invalidated Yuriko's opinion due to her tragic experience in life, likening her to a child.

Or maybe what this book is trying to convey is that it's okay to be a single mom by choice. Based on what I see though, it is no doubt difficult to raise a child with a partner. What more, alone?

I have to say that I found Rika annoying. She's the know-it-all type of person, who finds pleasure in publicly shaming other people, supporting Natsuko in being a single mom through SD because she went through the same thing. Like geez woman, look at your goddamned house, don't you realize that you can't spare the time to clean because being a single mother doesn't give you the luxury of time, not because you're some quirky ass author. Don't you realize that you'll most likely raise a child who'd also disregard cleanliness.

If there's a part I enjoyed most whilst reading the second part of this book, it was definitely when the mc went back to her hometown. Kawakami wrote the nostalgic scenes beautifully. I was actually reading those parts at a resto while they played hit songs during my hs days (Buko, Walang Iba, Passenger Seat), so maybe that added to the sentimental feels.

I loved how the author wrote about Aizawa; how Natsuko missed the version of a person that is long gone yet alive-- and not being able to do anything about it but cherish the memories you had.

It's a bit disappointing that the mc was not a complete femcel since she's had relationships with men. I expected her to be completely celibate, like the nbsb type.

(I had a hard time organizing my thoughts and writing something as simple as this after not being able to write for a year. I cri. My thoughts are whack, I dunno how to justify them, I'm just sharing what I felt and thought.)

[llycaons]

ep32 (1/3): *through tears* xiao zhan is really good in this one

dude this entire sequence is so heartbreaking I don't even care how wwx got into jinlintai. he's a genius I'm sure it wasn;t hard. but like! him being on the outside looking in! excluded! seeing his sister in horrible pain and knowing HE's the one who did that to her. desperately wanting to comfort her but what can he even say!!

xl was so fucking good this episode. that is the face of a woman ravaged by grief but desperately keeping it together

jzx rly got fridged for a woman who got fridged immediately afterwards. not even significant enough for a firsthand fridging

I don't much care about jzx's death, but this line is heartbreaking

oh my god and his mom leaving and then breaking down when she's out of earshot of jyl. fucking brutal. her actress did amazing. there's so much grief here.

this scene had me in tears what can you even say look at their FACES

and ofc wwx is out of mind with grief, probably hasn't eaten or slept in days, continually dogged by the resentful spirits he's commanding, seeing visions of his sister who he loves more than anything else in this world....fuck

and he wasn't even able to tell her to her face! and when he reached out she vanished! DEVASTATING. the fact that they both had visions of each other because they were so terrified/heartbroken about the thought of losing each other or of hurting each other. fuck

we don't see wwx grab his abdomen like that often. assuming the resentful energy is acting up and hurting him without a core to mitigate the effects

and here wwx is stone cold. cutting, callous, vengeful. it's quite a different aspect of him, one that I don't think we've ever seen before, not to this extent. we've seen him taunting and angry before, but this icy rage is terrifying. and it's wrong, on him. this isn't how he's supposed to be

that look alone. whew

even through it all he's so funny ugh. nobody did it like him

CHILLING. go get em wwx

the bodies of the wens are shown hanging here too, but they made me sad so I didn't get pics

'5000 cultivators'

you know what I love? the music swelling here is so heroic. epic and sweeping, clearly telling the tale of great warrior sects who joined to defeat a dark and devious evil. wwx appearing on the roof of the building laughing is a scene out of a far more simplistic wuxia. one where the good guys really are the majority and the people in power really do care about justice, the villains outliers and outcasts, cruel and shameless and unapologetic. the stage is being set so perfectly for the confrontation that will happen in a few hours, the one we saw at the beginning of the show. but we know at this point that there's so much more nuance than was initially presented

oh shut the fuck up. stop having a moment I hate you two

jc looks pretty upset this episode but until jyl runs in he doesn't do much besides look distressed.

YOU MURDERED LIKE 50 INNOCENT PEOPLE YOU FUCK.

I guess technically jgs is also in mourning but I don't give a shit about his grief and I'm glad that nobody else does either

godddd fuck wen qing 🥺 yeah jc you think about the consequences of your decisions

not that this is all jc's fault but I hope he feels guilty. though...based on how he acts postcanon, any guilt he's ever harbored has been either overshadowed by his rage and grief, or simply pushed aside since he doesn't want to confront the fact that maybe he could have acted differently

looking disapproving and somber is also not helping. god you're all so useless

tho man. at this point I don't think much could be done

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN. oh right he was running to BM and then running back to CR with a-yuan. but literally this entire showdown takes so long I am shocked he doesn't arrive to the pledge sooner

THERE HE IS!!!!! appearing like a nightmare on a moonlit night, slouched arrogantly, appearing every inch the villain they call him. ah. delicious

I love this scene so much because 1. it some of the most banger lines in anything I've ever seen and 2. wwx has been fairly unrestrained before but this is him at PEAK not-giving-a-shit. he's fully unleashing, giving just as good as he gets. I'm sure through the haze of grief and anger he was somewhat satisfied

he's just so horrifically alone up there

oh shut the fuck up nie mingjue

the white paint they put on his face makes him look SO good im sorry my love i know you're having a mental breakdown but you look so so cool and ethereal and sexy rn

OH OHHHHH. okay I get it now. wen ning and wen qing went to turn themselves in. the other wens went along NOT to turn themselves in, but just to witness, and they were murdered too. still very stupid, but not as dumb as I thought initially

a lot of the dialogue in this show is delivered via rhetorical questions. I'm sure it makes it hard to write fic that sounds accurate. I've certainly never read anything with the exact cadence of canon

[feathery-dreamer]

Life update - upcoming sinus surgery!

So! in case I omitted to mention it here, or people missed it or forgot after so long.

I’ve been living for three months with a sinus infection that’s kept all my left sinuses filled with pus and blocked off. Initially it was a regular viral infection, which got co-infected with bacteria, and then polyps developed along the pathway. Coupled with the inflammatory swelling and an existing septal deviation, the whole thing just completely shut off from the outside.

I can still feel some light ache in my face from the pressure buildup, sometimes it starts to hurt and reminds me of the bone-splitting pain that had me whimpering for hours with a hand pressed to my face.

We were waiting for so long because of (according to the ORL) administrative issues dragging out due to understaffing. Which is also why he left the hospital and joined a private clinic for the New Year, where he saw me sometime during his first week.

Well, now I got great news!

Halfway thru this week, my ORL called to say the surgery could be done next Monday. So I’ve been busy for three days frantically preparing for something we should’ve had a bit more time to go through - filling out paperwork, having preliminary tests done, picking up results and writing emails.

The surgeon is competent and we’ve known him for years at the hospital, where he also did my sister, always asks about my mom etc. He’s only new to this clinic so he’ll have a team he doesn’t know too well, but that part doesn’t concern me much.

What truly worries me, is this’ll be my first time going under, all previous ops were done with local anesthesia, so I’m nervous how it’s gonna go.

[14sunnydaze]

Yeah I'd like to speak on this too. My mom had an upper middle class job, was getting pretty good social security $ every month cuz my sisters dad died, AND she was getting $100's from my dad every month too in child support. Not to mention she was the heiress to millions but that's besides the point and doesn't really affect our story .

Now back to it. growing up with her was weird because whenever we went to Nana and Papaw's, (her parents) there was obvious wealth there. Not insane wealth, not crazy money, but definitely money for sure. Nice cars, vacations every year, (that I could never go on because even as a literal child i was expected to pay my own way) big celebrations for every holiday and birthday kinda money. I spent two weeks of the summer with them every year so I saw it even though I never had the $$ to keep up. Country club life, safari hunting, houses in multiple states/countries, the whole nine yards. Again, not insane wealth, no one had a billion dollars, but pretty fucking wealthy for a kid who went to public school in rags.

Yeah, my sister and I lived off of whatever instant food or leftovers we could scrape together, were clothed in goodwill finds, and when my sister had the initiative to get w job our mother starts charging her rent. She was 15. My mother didn't need that $$! She was just selfish. Selfish, alcoholic, verbally & physically abusive, and because my sis was older she got the brunt of it.

Also, my mom worked in the medical industry, following in her surgeon fathers footsteps, and she focused in psych, and when I came out to her as gay then later as trans she would blackmail me by threatening to out me to my dad. When that stopped working she threatened to 5150 me.

Im afflicted with several chronic health conditions, at least three of which just were never addressed until I grew up and got out. She had no issue overmedicating me my entire childhood with ADD/ADHD drugs so I was a zombie child but when it came to actual medical needs she was the epitome of neglect. I actually went to a hospital she had previously worked at in 2017 for a collapsed lung and was sent home too early ! I had to go back and spent another like 2 weeks in a hospital bed, was on bedrest for 6 months.

She also promised all through my childhood and high school that that she would have $ to help me go to college but guess what-when the time for checks came she was nowhere to be found.

Luckily I had won enough scholarships that I never needed to go into debt for my education. I was homeless for a little while and she tried to get me to agree to pay her rent & (because if i lived with her I'd have an hour n half commute to university) she tried to get me to agree to split the cost of a new car with her on the condition that i eventually pay her back the full amount of the car. While going to school fulltime (21 hours).

When my grandfather finally passed away she transformed into a money-spending machine. She tried to get her hooks in me at that time but I escaped.

I know firsthand that just cuz the parents are rich does not necessarily mean the kids are. I was broke as hell and hungry, wearing rags in the same house where my mother ate caviar and wore Gucci.

As a kid, when your parents are poor, you're poor. If they don't have money, that means none of you have money. But if someone's parents are rich, that doesn't necessarily mean the kid is. Sometimes rich peoples' kids aren't rich kids, they're just some rich freak's exotic pets that can talk but aren't allowed to.

[mindylichtman]

So I ran across nora, an awesome shopper republics and me and her got talking about bob. She always loves hearing about the adventures we get on. She seems super sight you that my trust and Bob hasn't waned even over the fact that one of my ex is slammed with me all the last year. And you know what, that's awesome.

She told me today when I talked to her today that "it's a start." When I told her that it really touched my heart deeply and more profoundly that he saw me in that parking lot in the middle of January that night I was scheduled to close at 10:00. I told her I said God had a hand in that, because if one of the employees that Publix didn't send me out last minute to look for last round of cards he would have drove to the parking lot and he wouldn't even see me walking around getting carbs. She thought at first it was a lack of trust because I told her that my landlord was coming by to give me a ride back home.

I told her no, it's not any lack of trust but it was already pre-planned by my landlord and that my landlord's been not acting right for moms, to controlling on what goes on off the property with my life. She says I should look for new home as soon as possible, and I agree with her. It's my own personal happiness is being whittled down to nothing while I'm living where I'm living at now. I explained to her the street complication when I was telling Bob where I lived at, that I moved, and I just simplified it to off off North mimosa. That also did not indicate a lack of trust, it was simplifying it because parsley Avenue is the street I live on now currently and you can get through to it either via a street literally called sesame Street from North mimosa, or you could either get to it from St John cemetery road and North Mimosa intersects with the St John cemetery road. I just simplified it to off North mimosa. Because most importantly, I just didn't have the time to go into all that with Bob and explain it. Because, also I explained it to Nora is Publix is very strict when it comes to employees not looking like they're doing their part. As I was still clocked in, and the manager came out and saw me chatting away with any , also I explained it to Nora is Publix is very strict when it comes to employees not looking like they're doing their part. As I was still clocked in, and the manager came out and saw me chatting away with anyone in the parking lot instead of looking for carts like I had been assigned to, I would have got in trouble at work. I went through enough trouble last year with my ex tracy. Always having people come into the store slander me up and down even there. It was ridiculous. I might have gotten hurt initially by the shock of all of that, that my ex from 2022 would have went and done all the extra garbage, but even though I've been a little bit, I do not break, and to me that's the most important part of all else above everything else. My love and liking and attraction for Bob never went away even though the slander from Tracy was designed by him and the two people who worked with him to get me to try to give up on Bob. And by give up, I don't mean stalking because I've never done that to Bob in a day in my life since I known the man, and what I mean by that is to get me so diminished to where I tell Bob something around the lines of f*** off. I would never tell Bob that let alone think of him. He's always had a space in my heart. More than space actually. But I'm about to go off of my break soon and working till 8:45 tonight. Of course, my landlord's coming to pick me up take me back to the house. My mom and sisters are doing okay, not the best because I can't visit them right now cuz they got the flu bad.

[brianyololau]

9/23

Today is my last day in vietnam. I’m on the plane back to Saigon so that we can take the international flight back to the Cali. This has been one HELL OF A TRIP. I’m not gonna lie, there were times in Huế that were randomly sad and fun. For a good portion of it though, I was pretty bored because there was nothing left for me here. I didn’t have any blood cousins to reconnect with. The older “aunties” moved on with their own family since I last visited 18 years ago, and I don’t even recognize the neighborhood I visited when I was 6. It’s all changed.

It’s sad too. Seeing how my mom and uncles used to live, I felt nothing but sadness and compassion. Yesterday, we visited the neighborhood where my family lived. My mom showed me where Cẩu Vủ used to bike to Cô Châu’s house every day for her grandpa to hem materials before bringing it to Cậu Long to sew together. It was a sight of poverty that was humbling and painful to see. To think that my uncle used to walk around the streets selling lottery tickets just to make less than a dollar a day. The river I looked at was the river my uncles used to swim in. It was also the same river my mom swam in because her father was too busy in jail to teach her how to.

To see that my mom had a childhood too.

To see that she still has a part of that inner child.

To listen to her tell me of how she used to run across this one small isle because the bodies of unborn children used to be buried here.

To listen to her tell me the bridge we’re crossing is the bridge that my grandma tried to kill herself in.

Stories of living in piss poor conditions, struggle, suffering, and surviving together. I thought Huế had nothing for me here when I first came. Relics of the past. But as the stories began to pile up, I slowly realized that this small city in the middle of nowhere actually has a long history underneath it that I can’t see in front of me.

I met someone named Chị Phương on Cô Châu’s side who was very kind and welcoming to me. She was the definition of sweet and caring, unafraid to start and maintain a connection with everyone. That was the Chị that convinced me Huế wasn’t as lifeless as I initially thought. I met her last evening at the joint family dinner, and she made a constant effort to be friendly with me. So, I opened up, and we were cool since then. We ended up going to a tea/coffee shop and going to a live music restaurant across the street. I ended up bonding with two little boys that came along and singing on stage with Lindsey and Chị Phương.

Man, Lindsey and I got up to sing Santeria, and we were bombing it. At one point, we just stood there cause we were doing nothing right. I wanted to just apologize and walk off, but something in me just said fuck it. I ended up hitting it from the beginning again and singing a whole verse and chorus before exiting. I could feel the change of mood in the crowd from disappointment to entertainment. Someone even gave us a rose with cash!

This morning, Chị Phương picked me, Lindsey, and one of the little boys up to go eat breakfast with her parents, After that, we visited a coffee shop where her sister came through (the sister is the mother of the two boys). Then, our car went to a second coffee shop where I flew my drone for like 3 minutes before my mom called lol. But it was fun! I felt like I got to see a side of what Huế has to offer for the modern generation.

She ended up picking us up and the whole joint family followed us to the airport. I remember saying bye to all of them, and standing in the line to enter the boarding side. I was convinced that Huế had nothing left for me, but the image of all the extended aunties, Chị’s, and the little Khoi boy made me miss my roots for the first time.

Chị Phương told me throughout the day that since the moment Khoi met me, he began looking up to me. She said Khoi was scared to be on the floating restaurant the night he saw me but decided to man up when he saw how unafraid I was. Khoi said he wanted to be big and tall like me when he grew up. Chị Phương even said that when Khoi saw me going for the fish spring roll, he felt inspired to go for some too. When I got in the car to go to the airport earlier, she told me Khoi wished that I could extend my flight an extra day so he could hang out with me longer. He thought my drone was really cool and wanted to fly one in the future. I told him that when he grows up, I’ll bring him one as a gift. I ended up liking the kid. I hope I see him again. I hope I see Chị Phương and all the extended aunties too. I don’t know why I felt all of this just today. Maybe it’s knowing that I’m not coming back for a while. Maybe it’s how Chị Phương was so kind and welcoming towards me. Maybe it’s Khoi boy. Maybe it’s the love the aunties showed me even though they were strangers to me for most of the trip until now. I just know that when I looked back to them before crossing to boarding area, I felt a special kind of love and newfound appreciation for them.