#incorrect god of war

[sun-bae]

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go rest my neck. It’s sore from looking down on you.

Heimdall to literally everyone except Odin.

[here-comes-the-moose]

Crosshair: Thanks, Dad.

Hunter: …

Tech: …

Wrecker: …

Echo: …

Crosshair: Why is everyone staring at me?

Hunter: You just called Echo dad; you said thanks, dad.

Crosshair: What? No, I didn't. I said thanks, man.

Echo: Do you see me as a father figure, Cross?

Crosshair: No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.

Wrecker: Hey! You show your father some respect!

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

Me: *bolts awake at 3 AM* BALDUR'S GATE 3 AU WHERE, THROUGH DIMENSIONAL SHENANIGANS, KRATOS ENDS UP OCCUPYING THE ROLE OF TAV!

THINK OF IT! JUST THINK OF IT!

Companion: So any that's how that God/Being of incredible power ruined my life.

Kratos, noted Godslayer, planning how he's going to destroy yet another pantheon for these weird little mortals he's found himself in charge of: Tell me more.

*later*

Gale and Astarion: Becoming a God would fix me, I promise!

Kratos: *knocks their heads together like the Three Stooges* No.

His favorite companion is actually Jaheira because she's one of the only ones who knows how to shut the fuck up and he bonds with her and Minthara over shitty jokes and grunts of displeasure.

Mizora takes one look at him, recognizes that Wyll and Karlach are now hanging with THE KRATOS and hides in the depths of Avernus for the rest of the game.

He is hella distrustful of Selune when Shadowheart starts worshiping her instead of Shar but Dame Aylin seems alright so he's okay with it for now even if he's watching every statue of Selune they pass with a suspicious eye.

Lae'zel is now his daughter. He takes one look at this angry, disagreeable little murder-hobo and immediately starts carrying her around in a baby-backpack even as she tries to bite his face off like a feral racoon.

He's actually hella sympathetic towards Ketheric Thorm because... like... yeah...

His endgame is leading a crusade in Avernus to kill Zariel with Karlach, Wyll, Minthara, Dame Aylin and Isobel with him. And once Zariel is dead, Shar, Mystra, and Vlaakith are next on his list.

DO YOU SEE MY VISION?! DO YOU?! KRATOS BEING THE AWKWARD LEADER OF THESE LITTLE MORTAL FREAKS HE SEES A LITTLE BIT OF HIMSELF IN ALL OF THEM AND DECIDES TO HELP THEM WITH ALL 5 OF HIS B+ PARENTING SKILLS!

[juanarc-thethird]

Jaune practices sword fighting with his nephew Adrian.

Old Jaune: Adrian, you are getting better, faster.

Adrian: *Joking* Might even be better than you one day, huh?

Old Jaune: If you are not. I have failed.

[astaroth1357]

Lucifer: Satan.

Lucifer: I am your father.

Satan: *pins Lucifer back against the wall with a butter knife to the throat*

Satan: Take. THAT. BACK.

Lucifer: 😐

And from then on, Satan was known as the 4th brother.

[h0bg0blin-meat]

Ares: I just stubbed my toe.

Ares: But did I cry like a baby?

Ares: Of course not.

Ares: A baby don't have the lung capacity for the sound I just made.

[severe-kitty]

Mia: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions Killian?

Killian No.

Niko: I do.

Mia: I know, Niko.

Niko: I miss Bran.

Mia: I know, Niko.

[padawansuggest]

Obi-Wan: *crunch*

Helix: The fuck was that, that better not be one of your goddamn bones you’re already on a medical bed!

Obi-Wan: ??? *holds up the cup of iced water Cody brought him* Was this?

Wooley: Was what???

Obi-Wan: *puts an ice cube in his mouth and chews* It’s just ice?

Wooley: :0

Cody: :/

Helix: Oh thank god, make sure you finish that I want you hydrated. *leaves*

Wooley: *turns to Cody* We can chew ice???? Ice is chewable?

Cody: *flinching* I mean if you hate yourself, yeah.

Obi-Wan: The only thing that’s ever kept me from chewing ice before was having a cracked tooth from a mission. After I got that fixed I was right back at it.

Cody: Oh my god, not even cavities?

Obi-Wan: *loudly crunching a new cube* Nope.

[bluetalenerd]

LOG MEMES (what did their lovers do for them pt. 1)

Landon King : Mia spoke for me

Glyndon King : Kill prepared me handmade lunch boxes

Nikolai Sokolov : Lotus Flower didn't have to do anything. i would just fall at his feet for free

Jeremy Volkov : Cecily signed up into Club of Dark fantasies for me-

Landon King : Hello, delusional. Ces joined for me *winks*

Cecily Knight *grabbing Jer's arm* : I only love you, Jeremy.

Landon King : Firsts are Firsts, Ces. And i was your first love

Jeremy Volkov *getting up to kill him* :

Creighton King *in depressed tone* : Annika shot me and put me in come

Landon King : which she missed, and you woke up

Eli King : Mrs. King stabbed me and forgot she ever stabbed me

Landon King : Barbie really missed too, huh? Both sister-in-laws have bad aim

[a-morningstar-120]

Anakin: Ahsoka! My face is on fire!

Ahsoka: Skyguy! Are you ok?!

Anakin: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.

Ahsoka: But your face is on fire.

Anakin: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

[thingsphoenix21]

Ares: Who's the toughtest god you know? Phobos and Deimos: Mom. Ares: Who's the thoughest male god you know? Phobos and Deimos: You..? Ares: BOo ya!

[here-comes-the-moose]

Crosshair: I’m sneaking out tonight to meet with a guy, I need you to cover for me to Echo.

Omega: Sure.

Wrecker: No problem.

Hunter: Alright.

*later that night*

Echo: Where’s Crosshair?

*all responding at the same time*

Hunter: Sleeping.

Omega: Practicing.

Wrecker: Pooping.

Echo: …

Hunter: …

Omega: …

Wrecker: …

Tech from beyond the grave: …

Echo, sighing: Honestly I’m not even mad I’m just disappointed in how bad you all are at lying.

[pelideswhore]

If the apple of discord was thrown down at the wedding feast of Peleus and Thetis, how did Achilles, their son, fight in the Trojan war? The timeline does not make sense to me unless you just chalk that up to the timing of the Eternal, Deathless Gods but mortals are involved. Like Paris is presumably asked right after the wedding to judge who gets the apple then he picks Aphrodite who has promised him the most beautiful woman. Does she like wait to find out who that is and that causes the delay? The story seems to go that she promises Helen, they kidnap Helen and then the war begins so like that’s a year tops in my mind but how would that give Achilles time to become the teenager he is in the war? Please help. If there is a definitive answer excellent but I also just want theories.

i really love love love this question, cus i’ve thought about it a lot, especially because i consider Paris and Achilles to be around the same age, which, as you said, would make no sense.

sadly, i don’t have a definitive answer, but i do have a theory. it’s quite long though so buckle up.

As you probably know, Aphrodite, Hera and Athena asked Zeus to solve the issue before resorting to Paris. Zeus couldn’t answer and by the timeline of the Gods, many mortal years had passed so Paris would have been born, sent away from the palace and had enough time to grow up at this point. Ares suggests him, the goddesses ask and Paris gets bribed. But he doesn’t take Helen straight away, because he’s still a goatherd at this point.

Before I finish with that, let’s get back to Achilles. One would probably assume that within the first year of Thetis’ and Peleus’ marriage, he was already born, but that’s actually not true. The couple had six sons before Achilles, but they all passed away somehow (which, i like to think, is the reason Thetis is so protective). That means, even if they all died on Day 1 of their life and Thetis conceived the very same day: 9 months x 6 = 54 months aka. 4,5 years. That’s at least 4 and a half years before Achilles was born, but I think I can safely assume it took a little longer. Let’s say 6 years (which btw is still unrealistic and would probably be horrible for Thetis’ health but I digress).

So now, Achilles is born, stuff happens: Achilles meets Phoenix and Patroclus, he gets sent to Chiron, and eventually Scyros etc. Let’s say he’s 17 when that happens. Still a teen, but old enough to get Deidamia pregnant. Realistically, Thetis would only send him away when the threat of the war is imminent, so Helen’s kidnapping happens when Achilles is 17. I tend to say Helen was around 24, Paris was maybe 21. I believe however that the Judgement of Paris happened a couple years before.

Because, consider, Paris picks Aphrodite as a goatherd, but he kidnaps Helen as a prince. So somewhere in between, Cassandra must've found him and brought him back. He then had to get used to royal life, but, more importantly, all the ships had to be ready to go to Sparta. It could've happened in a couple of days, but a couple of years isn't unrealistic either, and it fits the timeline better.

It's a bit all over the place, so here's summary:

0 years: Peleus' and Thetis' wedding, Golden Apple incident (Paris/Achilles not born)

2 years: Paris is born and abandoned.

6 years: Achilles is born.

19 years: The Judgement of Paris happens, Paris is still a goatherd.

23 years: Paris kidnaps Helen, start of the war, Achilles is aged 17

The only time ‘divine timing’ really plays a role is between the wedding the Judgement of Paris. In divine timing 19 years is nothing, just enough time for Zeus and Ares to get involved. Paris would’ve probably already held one or two bullfights at the age of 17 when he is chosen to judge between the goddesses and from then on everything runs pretty smoothly, bearing in mind the 4 years between Aphrodite promising Helen to him and Paris actually kidnapping Helen.

sorry it took so long to post this, had to get my thoughts in check then type it up :D

[lenaleviosa]

*in the underworld*

Achilles: “So how’d u guys end up winning the war?”

Greek soldier: “Horse”

Achilles: “A horse, what do you mean a horse?”

Greek soldier: “Like a really big horse”

Achilles: “Was it like some god disguised as a horse that helped the Greeks?”

Greek Soldier: “Nuh-uh, it was a wooden horse”

Achilles: “I do not get it, what would u need a wooden horse for?”

Greek soldier: “We gifted it to the Trojans.”

Achilles: “You gifted it to the Trojans? Why would you built a horse and then give it to your enemy? Did you even win the war?” *looks at Patroclus*

Patroclus: “Don’t look at me, for once I’m just as clueless as you are”

[loki-stuff]

Being: i’m gonna kill you!

Loki: oh really? how original. i’ve died so many times my gravestone says BRB instead of RIP on it

[h0bg0blin-meat]

Aphrodite: Are you a cuddler?

Ares: I'm a machine of death and destruction.

Aphrodite:

Ares: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler.