#in the sense of even if i felt able to. it's literally so far beyond socially acceptable!

[dykethang]

trying to sleep. but i keep thinking about how my therapist really wants me to make friends at uni. because it'll be Good For Me. but i don't know how to do that when i am so different on a fundamental level to the rest of my peers and we could never hope to understand eachother without it being utterly exhausting for me because i carry around unspeakable heaviness in my soul!

[samkerrworshipper]

underneath the surface

umm so i’m back.. kind of? this fic was a rollercoaster but i hold it very near and dear to my heart. i hope you all enjoy it and find some comfort in it because i definitely do <3

warnings: no warnings just some medical jargon and talks of endometriosis!

Alexia has always been credited for her attentiveness.

Most people say that it’s the reason she’s such a good captain, and of course, she denies to everybody that she just goofs around less than some of her teammates.

But, inevitably, it’s true, Alexia is a lot more attentive than other people. She pays attention to the small things, the under the surface things, things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at.

Although, in her opinion, she doesn’t need to be observant nor attentive to be curious about this one part of your relationship.

It doesn’t take brilliant observation skills to recognise a pattern, from the age of two most people are able to recognise patterns. For a two year old, it’s colours and shapes and different farm animals. For Alexia it’s become an observation.

It’s routine, a pattern, a constant repeat in your relationship that for the first few months she ignored.

Like a broken record constantly repeating itself, every month, without fail, you disappeared for a couple of nights.

Not literally, for those days you’ll retreat of the pitch and inside to the gym but Alexia still sees you everyday, and for the most part, you’ll still go out for coffee with her and go on walks together, but for at least three nights, sometimes up to 7, there are no sleepovers, no late night movie binges, no dinners.

It went unnoticed by Alexia for longer than normal, love was Alexia’s biggest weakness and it subtly impaired her abilities to be as observant as she prided herself.

Who could blame her? It was hard to be detail oriented when she was too busy enjoying the puppy dog love that came from realising that she was so in love with her life with you, even if it was still relatively new.

But, even with her focus partially impaired, it didn’t take a whole lot of skills to recognise the abnormality of what was occurring.

It was particularly abnormal, because for every other day of the month, you spent your nights at Alexia’s. Alexia would even go as far to say that you're pretty much moved into her apartment. Your dog had a bed in her apartment, your training kit and bag had a permanent spot at her door, most of your clothes were now sitting next to Alexia’s in her wardrobe.

Your apartment, for the most part, existed purely for the sake of storing all of your furniture. Alexia had brought up leasing it, you’d been dating for almost a year now and whilst it was a short time to move in with each other, the two of you spent so much time together that to her it made the most sense. Beyond that, it was her way of testing the water, to see if her observation was as real as she began to think it was.

Your immediate denial of the idea confirmed what she had been beginning to think.

Originally, she’d thought that maybe you were overwhelmed from constantly being around Alexia, it was a lot being at training together all day and then heading home to each other.

It didn't make sense though.

When you were together, you were attached at the hip. You were both naturally clingy towards each other and after questioning Mapi about it, as ambiguously as she could, she was backed up in that it wasn’t normal behaviour for an overwhelmed person to be so eager to be so connected.

So, the theory was canned and when the following month the same thing happened, Alexia’s curiosity peaked once again.

She moved onto a theory that maybe it was some kind of homesickness, that you just needed to sleep in your own bed a couple of nights every month.

But not only did you constantly complain about your own apartment and how unhomey it felt in comparison to Alexia’s, it was always the same week every month.

Which should have been the biggest clue, and yet for whatever reason it had completely slipped past Alexia.

It was only when one of the team doctors had approached Alexia about her cycle changing, that it all clicked for her.

Alexia’s period had skipped, and they’d logged it a couple of months ago. Obviously, without noticing, it had been because the two of you had synched up, which made plenty of sense.

Alexia’s period was an inconvenience, but it wasn’t a true bother, just something she had to put up with. In all honesties though, for her, her period was nothing to her, she had hardly any symptoms, her body functioned the exact same way, everything was almost the exact same.

Yet, every month, when apparently your period came around, you happened to disappear for a couple of days. Alexia would have loved to think it was a coincidence, but with her new knowledge, she decided to put it to test.

She wasn’t surprised, when the following month her own period came, a couple of days later you were back to hiding out at your place for a couple of nights.

Like lightwork, when you came back to Alexia, you were the exact same, like nothing had happened, and yet Alexia was certain that there was something being hidden underneath the surface.

A lot of people were insecure about their period, Alexia had grown up in a house full of girls, her period had been anything but stigmatised, and she was grateful for that.

She was self aware enough though to know that not everybody was fortunate enough to have that same experience. She was also aware that unfortunately, sometimes peoples partners could be unaccepting and close minded about those kinds of things.

So, when the following month, Alexia got her period and without fail, four days later you mentioned that you would drive yourself to training so that you could head back to your apartment afterwards, Alexia was already plotting away.

She had time to think about it during video review that day, there wasn’t a lot to focus on then when the team was coming off of a 4-0 win to Atletico and anything that was of importance, aAlexia had already noted when she’d watched the immediately after the game.

It was a sound plan in her mind, chocolate, a heat pack, your favourite italian takeaway, Alexia’s favourite hoodie that you always tried to steal and your favourite blanket from her apartment.

Alexia wanted you to know that you could be just as comfortable in her home, regardless of what was happening. Hopefully, in knowing that, you’d let go of the part of you that was so clearly avoiding Alexia.

Alexia, above being observant, liked to be a problem solver. She liked to take initiative, she liked to fix things.

So, after a shower and a quick snack when she’d returned home, she packed up all of the supplies. On the way to your apartment, which she hadn’t visited in months, she picked up food and then was on her way.

In the early months of your relationship, it had just been easier for the two of you to spend time at Alexia’s because it was closer to the training grounds and more lived in.

Whilst you’d been living in Barcelona now for nearly three years, your home was still in England, and it had been hard for you to fully settle into Barcelona even if it was your home for now.

Alexia knew it, so she’d welcomed you into her home with open arms. It had been heartwarming for her to slowly watch you integrate yourself into Alexia’s life, it made her happier then anything else.

So, she made her mind up that whatever this bump was, she was going to help you get over it, so that she could have all of you, and most importantly so you would feel like Alexia cared.

The feeling that Alexia got as she pulled up next to your car in the lot of your apartment was chilling, in her gut it felt like something was wrong. It was a feeling that set into Alexia's stomach as she stepped out of her car and hurried to collect her things before making her way over to the elevator.

Alexia stays as composed as she can manage, even though on the inside, the worry is starting to set in.

It’s not like theoretically she has anything to worry about, it’s not like this is an abnormal situation, but the weird feeling in Alexia’s stomach is putting her off and the only thing that she can think will make it better is seeing your face.

All Alexia wants to do is wrap you up in her arms for a moment, for her own peace of mind, to stop the off feeling that has been resonating inside of her as she’s tried to get to the bottom of this problem, that’s not really a problem. It’s an inconsistency, and one thing about Alexia is that she doesn’t like inconsistency. She fixes problems, she doesn’t enjoy living life whilst there is something that isn’t quite right, and she needs to make this right.

Alexia knocks at your door quietly, two little raps that she hopes you hear.

When she receives nothing in response, she knocks again, this time a little bit louder.

Alexia waits a few seconds, whilst it’s been a couple of hours since your session there is the off chance that you're in the shower or bath.

After quite a bit of waiting with no noises from the other side of the door, Alexia knocks once more, already pulling her keychain from her pocket and feeling for the spare key to your apartment.

When she finds it, she pulls it up to the lock, waiting just a few more seconds before slotting it into the keyhole and twisting it until it clicks.

The first thing Alexia notices is that your apartment is completely pitch black and if it weren’t for the fact that she saw your car earlier, she might have just left.

Alexia tiptoes her way through the entryway and into your kitchen, it’s hard to see much with all of the blinds pulled shut and none of the lights on, so she blindly feels around for the light switch until she finally finds it and flicks it.

The immediate groan that comes from the direction of your couch definitely does not go unnoticed by Alexia.

“Lights off.”

As fast as she can, Alexia turns the light back off, before curiously tiptoeing over to the edge of your couch.

You’re a lump under a pile of blankets, but she’s able to make out the shape of your body underneath it.

“Hey baby.”

You groan again, and the feeling in Alexia’s stomach only gets worse.

Alexia takes a few steps forwards, assessing you in front of her.

Her hand reaches out tentatively for you, she feels around the mass of blankets until she feels a part of your body underneath the pile of fluff, she follows the lump until she makes her way up to your head.

Your whole body is warm, or the blankets are warm, she isn’t actually quite sure where the blankets end and your body starts.

“Why are you here?”

Your voice is all croaky, and Alexia is certain you must be sick and she’s somehow missed all the symptoms of it.

“I wanted to spend the night with you.”

Alexia’s hand finally finds a bit of skin on your neck and she traces her fingers until she finds your jawline.

“Go home, Ale.”

The sound of your voice is making Alexia antsy, she can’t believe she’s missed the fact that you are sick.

“No, bebita, you’re sick and I’m here to look after you. I have your favourite food and chocolate, we can cuddle up in bed and you can sleep this off. I brought my hoodie for you.”

Alexia turns your head up, so your hair is peaking out of the blanket mound and she can see your squinted eyes.

“I’m not sick, Alexia.”

You keep your eyes crammed shut for the sake of not making the pounding headache you have any worse.

“Bebita, you’re all hot and croaky, it’s okay to be sick, I’m here to look after you.”

If you weren’t working so hard to keep your eyes closed you’d roll them, but that seems like far too much work for right now.

“Alexia I’m not sick, I’m just on my period.”

Alexia’s brow furrows, if your eyes weren’t closed you’d catch it. It’s the same furrow that always happens when Alexia thinks somebody else is wrong and she’s right.

“Bebita, this seems like a little bit more than a period. It’s okay, I’m here.”

You groan and Alexia recoils slightly.

“It’s just my period.”

Your deadpan makes Alexia confused.

“Your period shouldn’t be this bad. Are you having some heatstroke? It’s been warm out today, or are you having a migraine? You need to remember to hydrate.”

Your head is throbbing and Alexia’s theories aren’t helping.

“I have endometriosis Alexia, this is what my period looks like.It’s not fucking heatstroke or a sickness it’s just how my body is..”

Out of everything Alexia had been suspecting, that wasn’t it.

It suddenly dawns on Alexia that she can’t fix what you’ve just told her, she’s standing in front of you completely dumbfounded at what to do in this moment.

Alexia is a problem solver, she finds solutions for the biggest and smallest problems, and yet she doesn’t have a solution for the problem she is being faced with.

“Baby, just go home, the first night for me is always the worst, if I feel better I can hang out with you tomorrow.”

Alexia doesn’t have a solution to the pain you are going through, but she knows she isn’t going to let you suffer alone. The information that you’ve been doing this by yourself for a year now is making Alexia feel like the worst girlfriend ever and she’s going to change that.

“No, bebita, no. I’m staying here tonight, I’m here for you mi vida. Would it make you feel better if we got you into bed or into a bath? What’s going to make you more comfortable? Have you had medication? How about some food?”

When another groan leaves your lips, Alexia becomes aware that she’s approaching this the wrong way.

“How about I go and put the food in your kitchen and you decide what’s going to make you feel best. I’m here for whatever you need, okay?”

Alexia quietly tiptoes back into your kitchen, taking her time to put her things away and pulling two bottles of water from your fridge before making her way back into your living room.

You’ve emerged from your pile by the time she is back, your eyes are still closed but just seeing your face makes Alexia’s nerves settle just a little bit.

“Can we go to my bed, please?”

Alexia smiles at you softly.

“Of course amor, do you want me to carry you or do you think you can walk?”

The apprehension on your face is enough of a answer for Alexia.

She walks over towards you, picking up your blanket fort and body like it’s nothing and gently lifting you up, stepping carefully in the direction of your bedroom.

You groan out at the change of position, nothing feels good at the moment but Alexia’s arms are more comforting than the scratchy material of your couch cushions.

When she makes it to your bed, she lowers you down like you are the most delicate piece of glass, making sure that you’re tucked underneath the sheets before easing you out of your arms.

“Do you need anything? Heat pack? Water? Talk?”

Again, all Alexia’s words do is make the itching pain all over your body ten times worse, it’s all consuming and makes you feel choked.

“Bed, hugs, that’s all I want.”

Alexia is antsy, she wants to make the pain you are in better, she wants to know what to do right now instead of being completely blind in the situation.

“Are you sure? How about some pain relief or a cold compress?”

Alexia is no doctor, and up until five minutes ago she had absolutely no idea about this whole situation and whether she feels like she can admit it or not she’s terrified about it all.

She’s made up her mind that as soon as you're asleep she’s going to go on a deep dive of google searches to get to the bottom of this whole situation, but that will have to wait.

“Alexia, if you want to be here, just get into bed and give me some fucking hugs. I’m not in the mood to be told what to do with my body when I’ve been dealing with this for years, make up your mind of whether you want to be here or not.”

Alexia avoids conflict with you at all costs, she’s earned the title around your football friends of being your puppy dog, because she simply agrees to anything and everything that leaves your lips, and hearing you remotely mad at her makes her crumble.

“Sorry bebita, I’m so sorry, you’re right. I’m here for whatever you need.”

Alexia makes quick work of slipping her shoes off, something she never got around to in the darkness of your entryway.

She follows by taking her socks and outer layers off, stripping down until she’s in her tank top and a pair of old Barcelona training shorts.

Once she’s done she creeps around to the other side of your bed, slipping underneath the covers as subtly as she can manage.

When she’s completely covered, she lies back, unsure of how to approach all of this new information.

“You’re lying like a rigid corpse.”

Alexia gulps, she can see you in her peripherals, you look absolutely exhausted and in the kindest way possible, ten years older with the amount of wrinkles across your skin, bumps and ridges she can only imagine are the tightness holding in all of the struggle that you’re going through underneath the surface.

“Alexia, I’m okay, I’m not dying.”

Alexia knows theoretically that is true, she doesn’t have endometriosis and she’s not close to anybody who does, but she knows what it is. She knows it’s not cancer or something life-threatening, but the depth of the realisation that you’ve been suffering for so long and have kept it from Alexia is slowly pulling her apart at the seams.

You roll over slightly, it causes shocks of pain to go up and down your back and stomach, but you need the comfort as much as Alexia does, even if she isn’t ready to accept it.

She’s going through her process, compartmentalising all of it so she can be the brave and stoic face she always is.

You’re used to it, and you’ve come to realise that even though in these kinds of situations it seems like Alexia needs to be left alone, in reality she needs to be kept close by her nearest and dearest.

So, you worm your way on top of her body, it makes the cramps ten times worse and the nausea takes control of your stomach, forcing somersault after somersault, but when Alexia’s arms reach around you out of instinct it’s worth it.

You’re in pain, your uterus feels like it’s got knives embedded along the lining of it, like there are needles poking in and out of your back and gunshots being fired across your lower abdomen. But you’re well used to it, you’re used to the feeling of needing to throw up from having such intense throbbing pain across your whole core.

You’re used to the pounding headaches and migraines that come naturally from your body being so inflamed and agitated that all the tension eventually spreads to every single inch of your body, from the tips of your fingers to the edges of your toes.

Your head settles on Alexia’s shoulder, and her hand snakes it’s way down to the outside of your thigh, she’s being more cautious than she’s ever been with you and the normal you would probably be heartwarmed by her sweetness but the part of you that is currently seeing the worst kind of stars because of the cramps coursing through your body is just desperate to climb into her bones now that she is here with you.

It’s been ingrained in you since you were a kid that it was best to not bother other people with your weakness, it was your own struggle, your own burden.

You’d kept it from Alexia for this sole purpose, for the purpose that you knew she would take it all on as her problem, that she would try and fix it all and spend all of her time and energy trying to solve it all when you just wanted her to treat you the exact same.

She treated you like a princess everyday, but add a crippling reproductive condition and you knew she’d treat you like a priceless artefact. You were grateful you had a person in your life who would move heaven and earth in such a way for you but it was suffocating sometimes, when you were functioning on a normal level.

It was with those thoughts running rampant in your head that you slipped off into the same light sleep that you were lucky to drift into in these circumstances.

Whilst you drifted off, Alexia was left alone with her own thoughts.

Insecurity wasn’t something Alexia experienced often, she was secure in her body, she is as secure in her football as she has been since her knee injury, she’s secure in her family and up until today she felt completely secure in her relationship.

Now, she doesn’t know how she feels.

She knows that it’s likely you have a good reason to have kept this a secret, or a reason that you’ve justified to yourself. She knows underneath it all, you’re the one who’s secretly been hiding a big insecurity from her and she has no right to be truly mad about it, she’s disappointed that you haven’t felt able to share this with her when it feels like Alexia has bared all of her deepest, boniest secrets with you.

She does what makes sense, she reaches for her phone from her short pocket and begins to google all of the big questions that are swirling around in her mind.

You might have wanted to keep this a secret from Alexia but now that she knows about it she’d be a bad girlfriend if she didn’t educate herself on this.

So, instead of drifting off to sleep, Alexia drifts off into the land of medical journals and words that she doesn’t understand the meaning of but she’s determined to figure out.

You wake up in the morning in less of a state of excruciating suffering, instead of being stuck in a fiery inferno of hell you feel like you're dancing more on the periphery.

Your body is warm, in a way that makes you feel less like your insides are scorching you from the inside and more like you're generally just hot.

It feels like a caterpillar emerging from its cocoon as you try to unroll from the blankets that you’d swaddled yourself in the night beforehand in an attempt to try and make yourself feel as small as possible in hopes it would somehow shrink down everything you were feeling.

It’s a feverish dream, and as you recall your night, blotches begin to come back to you and the memory of your girlfriend appearing somewhere along the way makes the dull cramps across the front of your stomach beat in a way that makes you uncomfortably uneasy all over again.

As you assess your surroundings and open your eyes for what feels like the first time in months, you notice that Alexia is no longer in bed with you.

It’s all extremely faint in your head and there is an off chance you’ve dreamt it all up, but the very faint smell of coffee drifting through the air and folded up clothes sitting on the dresser on the wall across from your bed.

You’re feeling less deathly than last night, so you wager your chances with slowly sitting up in your bed, when you don’t feel any different you begin to lift your legs up.

Your muscles ache in the same way they do every time your period comes around, they tweak and they constrict like you’re an eighty year old instead of a twenty something.

It’s rough, it’s uncomfortable and it’s painful but it’s life.

It’s your life, it’s your burden, it’s your problem and knowing that Alexia is now a part of it all makes you queasy in a completely different way.

Your heavy on your feet as you stand up and begin to creep towards the door of your bedroom, with every step every one of your toes grinds against the floorboards. Your heel digs in, your ankles crunch, your body moves in a way that mirrors the way that you are crumbling from within. On these kinds of days, weeks and months, everything hurts. Everything is an effort.

Once you make it to your open door, you steady yourself against it, your nerves are working against you, everything inside of you is actively trying to stop you and you’ll be damned if you let it happen.

You only stand still long enough for it to be classified in your brain as a stall, not a break, not a stop. You can’t stop in times like this, if you stop then you’ll never get going again and that is a whole pit of fuckedupness that you aren’t ready to dive into.

From the door, you try your hardest to tiptoe your way through the hallway to your living space, but it’s impossible in your body.

As you inch closer, the sound of Alexia only becomes more apparent and obvious, and as you creep closer the agitation across your body only gets worse.

As you reach the archway between your hallway and living space, the sight in front of you makes your heart throb and your uterus ache even worse then it already is.

Alexia is swaying in your kitchen, apparently to whatever music she has playing in her head. There is coffee on the counter, accompanied by two bottles of juice and water, like she couldn’t decide what would be best. To accompany the extra drinks is toast, eggs, bacon and pancakes on the stove.

It’s too much.

With the combination of hormones in your bloodstream you’re honestly impressed that you don’t burst into tears.

Alexia’s still here.

Alexia, sweet, loyal Alexia.

You’ve been conditioned to keep all of this a secret, that during this week it’s best to keep yourself and everything you’re going through hidden, for the best of yourself and for everyone around you. Yet, here Alexia is doing way too much for you.

You’re downward spiralling when her voice breaks you out.

“Hey bebe.”

Her voice is close to a coo, the same voice she uses with Irene’s son. You don’t let it affect you in the moment, but you’ll think about the tactic of it later.

“I have food for you, and coffee if you want it, but google told me that sometimes that’s not always good for endometriosis. So I got juice as well, because google also said it might help with inflammation.”

The thought behind it is extremely sweet, and you feel slightly overwhelmed by all of the options.

“You didn’t need to do that for me.”

Alexia frowns, it’s slight and hardly noticeable, but the little wrinkle between her eyebrows is an immediate tell.

“I wanted to, I want to help you, however I can.”

The sentiment behind her words is lost in the sudden shock that you experience as her words settle in, you’ve never met a single person, besides a doctor whose job it was to help you, that gave a shit about this.

When you have no words, Alexia finds some for you.

“I want to talk to you about this, I want to know about it, I want to help you. We’re partners, we do everything together, and I want to do this with you. I don’t want you to lock me out and I don’t want you suffering alone. I’m here for this, I’m here for you to lean on.”

You nod your head, her words feel like a drug, like it’s lifting away some of the pain you’re going through.

“I’m serious, this isn’t something you can hide from me. You looked after me when I hurt my knee and I am here to look after you in the same way when you’re in pain. Bebita?”

Alexia’s hand falls to your side, caressing your hip gently.

“I’m not used to people knowing about this, and I’m even more not used to people caring, I’m sorry, it’s just a lot to process.”

Alexia’s face softens, and before you can say any other stupid mumbles, she pulls you from the hip into her body. Her arms are warm, and yet oddly they soothe your prickly skin.

You melt into Alexia, you feel like shit but she makes you feel marginally better.

“Coffee, or juice?”

You stifle a giggle that falls from your lips.

“Juice, please.”

Alexia relaxes her arms, taking a step back.

“Can I get you any pain relief, or a new heat pack? Is your headache better?”

Alexia looks at you with so much genuine care that it’s hard to not feel embarrassed.

“Pain relief doesn’t sit well in my stomach on a good day. I save heat packs for when the cramps are really bad or else they don’t have the same effect. My headaches normally are at the end of the day as a result of tension build up during the day.”

Alexia looks as if she’s taking mental note of everything you’ve just told her, for later.

“How about some food, hmm?”

You want to say yes, because Alexia’s clearly gone to so much effort for you, but you know that if you eat this early and then train your stomach contents is going to end up on a pitch or somewhere inconvenient.

“My stomach won’t keep it if we train later, I’m better to eat afterwards.”

Alexia’s brow furrows once again.

“I called the doctor and Pere this morning, we’re both taking today off.”

Everything warm and good about the moment fades, and suddenly all you feel is confusion.

“Why did you do that?”

Alexia steps away from you and retreats into your kitchen, grabbing a glass for you and picking up the bottle of juice that she knows you prefer.

“Because I thought you were dying last night, and you can’t tell me that all of that has just disappeared this morning. You’re struggling and you don’t need to push through pain to prove that you are worthy or good enough. You’re self worth shouldn’t be dictated by you proving to yourself that you can work through a chronic disease. I’m sorry that I didn't notice earlier and that I wasn't there for you earlier but I'm here to advocate for you now.”

You want to tell Alexia that you don’t need an advocate, you can advocate just fine for yourself. But a part of you knows that she doesn’t want to hear it and that part of you is also the part that is crippling from the inside and simply doesn’t have the energy to argue with your girlfriend.

“I train just fine normally.”

Alexia can’t argue that, even though you spend the time in the gym, she’s never heard of anything out of the ordinary occurring.

“But you don’t have to. In fact when I talked to our doctor she told me that she’d been insisting on you being more cautious of your cycle and spending more time resting during it considering your history.”

You roll your eyes, taking the glass of juice Alexia offers you.

Alexia plates up a breakfast that could feed a family of four, but it makes you feel less bad for not eating any of it.

“It’s my body, I know my limits.”

You focus on your glass of juice and not the face Alexia makes at you.

“You know how to continuously meet and exceed your limits, but what about just leaving them and giving yourself some peace. I know nothing about what you are going through, I can only sympathise. But I know this must be incredibly hard and I know you definitely do not give yourself enough grace and definitely don’t care for your needs enough. I’m here for you to confide in, I’ve done my research, I’m prepared to help however you need.”

It’s endearing how clearly prepared Alexia has made herself.

“You’ve done your research, hmm?”

Alexia nods proudly.

“Lots of it. Like about how orgasms can help with cramps.”

She looks like she’s going to say more, but you splutter your juice straight back into your cup, causing her to stop.

Alexia’s always been more open with her sexuality then you are, it’s culturally more acceptable in Spain but she also grew up with it being slightly more normalised.

“Alexia.”

Her grin is broad, like she’s proud that she’s managed to embarrass you.

“It’s true! Although for some people endometriosis can cause pain whilst having sex, so if you’re one of those people then it may not work but if you want to try I’m happy to help, fingers, toys, everything but mouths is on the table.”

Your blush only gets more cemented.

“I’m okay for right now, the thought of any kind of intimacy makes my fallopian tubes ache.”

Alexia nods her head, you are certain that sometime in the future this topic will arise again. Alexia’s rabbit-like sex drive makes it hard to not involve sex in everything you do together.

“Can I ask what your symptoms normally look like?”

Alexia’s lip is caught between her teeth, it’s the first time she’s looked nervous this entire conversation.

“Of course. Normally for me, I get bad pelvic pain which never really goes away, sweats, fever sometimes, cramps everywhere, i bloat, i get quite nauseous and occasionally it can make me moody. Furthermore, it can cause me to have migraines, some joint pain, insomnia, there are other things but those are the main ones. Overall it just makes me drained, i’m more fatigued but I can’t sleep, it makes me feel pretty lifeless.”

Alexia nods, she listens to every single word with so much attention.

“I always assumed the scars on your stomach were from getting your appendix removed, but I’m assuming now it’s a laparoscopy?”

You’re impressed by the level of detail Alexia has gone to for you.

“I have had my appendix removed but also yes, I’ve had two laparoscopy’s and I’m putting off getting my third done.”

Alexia nods.

“Do they make it better?”

You bite your lip before nodding.

“It’s never perfect, but for a bit it definitely makes my symptoms better. I’m putting off getting my next one because the last time I did it put me out of action for two months and it took me a while to get back to where I was. My body is different, it changes you. Before you ask, I’ve tried birth control, I’ve tried IUD’s, I’ve tried other forms of contraception, they all made it impossible for me to play football.”

Alexia shakes her head.

“I wasn’t going to ask you that, it’s your decision what you do and don’t put in your body, and I’m sure you’re just making whatever decisions work best for you.”

It’s refreshing having somebody not question what you do and don’t do for yourself.

“That means a lot to me.”

Alexia puts down her cutlery, her food somehow disappearing into her stomach.

“It’s just what love is, and I’m here to love you for forever, if you’ll let me.”

You’ve put off crying, you’ve tried your very best, but it’s not possible anymore.

The tears fall freely, and before you know it Alexia has pulled you into her lap.

It hurts, everything hurts, and yet everything feels so much better knowing you’re in her arms.

“I’ve got you bebita, I’m here now, I’m here to help you work this all out.”

——————————————————————

whelp that’s done! thoughts, feedback and general opinions would be appreciated! i’m so happy to have made something for yall and it’s rushed and super unedited and definitely not my favorite work but i hope you enjoy it all the same 🫶

[noobsoconfusing]

‘pothead? more like pot no head!’ hamzahthefantastic

summary: hamzah and you get high together very often, however this time is different, as you both take too much and end up greening out in different ways.

warnings: awkwardness, inexperienced hamzah and reader, cum, cringe.

>_<

“holy shit! holy f-fuck!” hamzah rubbed his heavy eyes, staring half lidded at your limp body passed out on his lap.

damn, he felt so overstimulated. his senses failing on him, per usual.

the smoke surrounding the living room –and yourselves– felt thick, almost like he could munch on it if he wanted to, and each time he breathed in he felt even more zooted.

and ow, fuck! you looked so beautiful. the light freckles, almost invisible, surrounding specific areas of your face, and then some imperfections that hamzah considered perfect on you –the same he considered ugly on him– you had dark circles under your eyes, and messy hair that covered your face almost entirely, but still he was able to peek at your flushed cheeks.

‘no! hamzah, stop! she could be fucking dead!’ –he thought to himself, regaining an ounce of consciousness through the warm haze that filled his brain and body.

“hey…” he shook your body, trying to keep his eyes off of your torso, though it was almost impossible for him. hamzah’s eyes drifted down, sheepishly admiring how the oversized shirt you were wearing –that yeah, in fact was his– rode up..

but as he kept shaking your body with his bigger hands, he realised you were far gone. that, of course, scared him shitless.

“oh my god..!” hamzah considered calling martin, but it was roughly 4 am, he wouldn’t be awake.

hamzah felt like he was losing the ability to breathe properly. his heart was beating so fast and blood going to every single direction inside of his body.

literally every single direction. fuck. oh no.

“y/n, are you… are you awake?” hamzah saw double lines, so fucking high. “oh god she’s dead, she’s fucking dead…” he felt like crying he was so fucking panicked.

and the scene was quite funny, tense even. how was he going to tell the police that you guys got super high that you probably had a heart attack? even worse! how was he going to explain the stupid fucking hard-on he had been resisting to beat since the fucking weed settled on him?

crying with a stupid hard-on was pathetic. crying stoned out of his damn head, with his possibly dead roomie laying next to him was dumb.

everything was dumb! nothing made sense to him at that moment, ugh, so confusing!

crying next to the girl he yearned for, the girl he liked since he first saw in that roommate application was beyond pathetic. and you were both high.

“oh god, please!” he yelled so fucking loud, which made you scramble out of your slumber. “i know you hate me! doesn’t matter cause you’re uh, like, you’re dead, but oh god! i like you.. so much and.. man i just…wanted to smoke with you… maybe make out… maybe even dip it! but y/n please don’t, uh, don’t kill me in my sleep too! oh my fucking god!” he rambled as he slurred his words from how high he was.

hamzah had this problem. one of many. where he would overthink and panick and talk his brain off as if his body had no power over him, only his thoughts. that maximised when he was zooted.

due to his extreme yapping, you found yourself awake on the couch, but you couldn’t move or speak. your limbs felt floaty and numb and your body felt so lightweight that you wondered if you were human still.

but hamzah’s greened out voice was getting on your stoned nerves

“mmm…” you slowly opened your eyes, red as fuck. “hamzah, a-are you tweaking?” your voice groggy after smoking only turned him on even more, and he felt so bad for thinking lewd stuff about you.

his eyes blew up wide, like two round red leds. he threw himself into your smaller frame, engulfing you in a big hug. he groaned out of satisfaction.

groaned again when he felt your body so close to his. so warm. so soft.

“holy fuck! you’re not dead! oh shit, y/n i fucking love you, i love you i love you, god i was scared shitless..” as high as he was, he meant it, he had been wanting to admit that for such a long time but sober he didn’t have the balls to.

you gave into the embrace and snuggled closer to his warmth. his words vague, though you cherished them and how sincere he sounded, it was almost impossible to concentrate in that state of mind. all you could do was enjoy the proximity.

so comfortable, so nice, and..

“im sorry im hard..!” hamzah pulled away from the hug to look down at his almost unbearable boner. his eyes wide and glossy like marbles looked at you like a kicked dog asking for help.

you see, in his right mind he wouldn’t even mention it, he wouldn’t even look at its direction. but he was definitely not in his right mind, right?

he surely knew how to silence a room.

“huh?” you stared at him confused and rubbing your right eye, pouting. looking like a fucking goddess. so cute. so beautiful it made hamzah wanna just explode.

here comes the world vomit. high trait of his.

“im sorry i have a boner. like, okay, it’s so painfully hard that i feel sorry because weed, well, weed makes me super fucking horny and on top of that you’re here and i think you’re so pretty and i love you so oddly much… im sorry i got a boner,” he swallowed the knot inside his throat. “i am sorry, so sorry. i love you though? is that weird? do you think it’s weird?..”

seconds that felt like hours passed and you would just switch stares between hamzah’s reddened face and the notorious bulge inside his grey sweats.

he felt like dying. and you were just sitting there, looking fuckable and so pretty, and he was just melting there waiting for a reaction from you, trying not to burst like a teen.

hamzah almost felt as if the high was gone from how nervous he got, but feeling sober was way worse.

you got closer, but it was like you were being pushed by an invisible force. like a magnet attracting you to hamzah’s shivering body.

your hands trembled badly.

no, you did not know what possessed you to crawl over him and caress his face, he was sweating cold, and his eyes far gone intoxicated.

“w-what are you…?” you laughed at how he pronounced the sentence, your giggles almost like a whisper.

tension so dense it could be cut with a knife

the eye contact was stupidly intense, both of your gazes drowsy and tired, eyes heavy and itchy from the smoke around you.

when your hand moved south, hamzah’s eyebrows knitted together and his mouth fell open wide, choking a whine. it was extremely weird how a little touch could make him feel so excited, and got him even harder, if it was even possible…

“dude, you’re bricked…” you said, feeling him up through the grey sweats.

he subconsciously thrusted his hips upwards to your hand, which you quickly moved away, earning a pathetic moan from him.

“nooo, owww!” he pouted, eyes teary.

it was funny.

“no! hey!..” he pleaded, grabbing your hand and trying to place it over his boner again, but you giggled at his impatience and swatted his bigger palm away. “y/n! p-please, h-hey, you can’t just..” he shrieked desperately. “please?”

hamzah was willing to jerk off right then and there, not minding your presence. even better for him, he would cum to your image, to your feel, to your sight.

that would totally cross the roommate line, wouldn’t it?

neither of you were experienced though, and as fucked up as you were, you also didn’t wanna ruin it, ruin whatever was going on between you two.

you got too nervous. nervous at the sight of him so fucked out over nothing. you never had a guy like that, never so desperate for you. or a guy at all. hamzah made you feel so stupid, so weird inside. so warm.

oh, so nervous…

“uh, do you want another hit?” suddenly, you got up looking for the rest of the blunt. too lightheaded to function. too nervous to continue. a good excuse.

hamzah stared at you in disbelief. then down at his pants. then at you again. he smiled, but it was such a hot smile. he looked so good, so fucked up.

“we are pretty cooked though, don’t you think?”

you shrugged. “whats the worst that could happen?”

so you grabbed the special blunt on the night table, and the lighter too. slid it into your mouth and lighted the pre rolled, you inhaled and swallowed the smoke in, turning over to hamzah and then blowing out the smoke on his face.

he stared at you with his mouth wide open, trying to take some of you in. so drunk on you.

and so, the worst thing that could happen, happened.

hamzah felt like he lost balance, his eyes rolled back into his skull and tried to reach for your hand to hold while a gutural moan erupted from the back of his throat, just as he emptied himself in his sweats..

came untouched. just at the sight of you blowing smoke out on his face.

“f-fuck, im so so so sorry, i didn’t… i- i just, i don’t know… you’re so pretty and…” he started rambling yet again and you felt so silly.

your gaze softened on him, and hamzah felt less embarrassed when he realised you weren’t angry or grossed out. your soft eyes felt gentle and he knew you weren’t judging him.

“it’s fine… i guess.” you avoided staring at the wet puddle forming inside his pants, and he giggled nervously too.

time passed by, maybe not really. you felt as time flew by too slowly, and found yourself lost in hamzah’s big eyes again. both of you staring at each other while sitting on the couch, the blunt consuming itself far forgotten but still creating smoke.

hamzah cleared his throat. “i feel sticky.”

“i bet you do.” you replied.

“have you ever…” he started but you quickly interrupted him.

“no head, hamzah!”

>_<

yay first small fanfic here ^_^ unbelievably cringe though, might have to kms.

[rise-my-angel]

How people hear the logo "fire and blood" and not think of fascism baffles me. Like it literally sounds like something the nazi's said. I know it might not be fair comparing real life history to fiction, especially in a medieval setting that doesn't match ...BUT THEY HAVE FLYING NUKES GUYS

Bear with me, but I think a lot of it stems from the dragons. In normal, or at least traditional fantasy, dragons are usually used differently in other stories. They can both be antagonists and companions to the hero. They are normally written to be while large and dangerous, also sort of majestic and awe inspiring.

So people see the dragons here, they see people riding them, and they think automatically it's cool. So if you're already someone more inclined to enjoy creatures like dragons, there's a perfect basis. A people whose culture revolves around dragons. It's an easy buy in to the Targaryean propaganda. You will automatically start seeing them in better lights because you like the dragons, whether you realize that or not.

But the problem is, grrm does not use dragons in the traditional sense. Grrm has been very clear that he has written the dragons as essentially, one for one metaphors to weapons of mass destruction. Grrm is also very anti war, a sentiment felt throughout all of his work, how no matter what justification one side or the other feels, it is the people, the lands, the smallfolk who suffer from war the most. So, the use of nuclear weapons in war, is essentially, the worst case scenario in terms of war. Which is what the Targaryeans use dragons for. Thats what Valyria has always used them for.

Fire and Blood sounds cool beacuse it is menacing, but it is more then that. It is the statement that they will burn the country to the ground so they can be kings of the ashes. Valyria used dragons to burn cities to the ground and were incredibly cruel to the slaves they took as a result that places like Bravvos are still massively anti dragon/anti valyrian. Two seperate people of Essos fled across to Westeros to escape them (The Andals and the Rhoynar), then the Targaryeans come to the same place and do THE EXACT SAME THING TO THE SAME PEOPLE WHO FLED THEM ORIGINALLY.

I am certain grrm is not writing dragons as "Its actually okay to use nukes if you're nice to them when you're building them." He's probably more likely to say "no matter what justification you tell yourself, access to such catastrophic destruction at your will and fingertips is a power no one should ever wield."

Yes the dragons are sentient creatures, but these are not like a creature such as a direwolf. One was sent to their human companion by a fate beyond them, and acts more like an extension of their identity and a friend as human and direwolf protect each other. Such as Nymeria biting Joffery to protect Arya, and Arya chasing Nymeria off to save her life for saving hers.

Dany murdered her own slave in order to use blood magic to force dragons back into a world after a peaceful number of centuries without them. Dany then uses them to burn her enemies alive, threaten those who stand against or disobey her and doesn't even consider taking steps to control them until after Drogon burned alive an innocent three year old girl, and even then all she does is lock them away in a manner that will no doubt only make them more angry and resentful of humans.

Not all sentient creatures are the same, and dragons specifically within the world of asoiaf are symbols of the dangerous balance of the world tipping too far. The Doom of Valyria was the result of using blood magic and dragons to tip the worlds balance too far and there is nothing left but a cursed, blighted hellscape left behind to remind man not to toy with nature in ways they will never be able to control. I don't think it's a coincidence that some stories say they found the first dragons in the Fourteen Flames, and it was the eventual eruption of the Fourteen Flames that destroyed Valyria and its dragons.

The Targaryeans didn't need to die with them, it's probably good that at least one family managed to safely leave so at least some aspects of a long, forgotten culture can be remembered in the history books from somewhere. But they do not act like just people. The Targaryeans still see themselves as something like gods.

In their eyes, they are better then the people of Westeros, those people taint their bloodline. They used dragons to force them to be subservient to them when all of those Kingdoms ruled independently for thousands of years before. Then they used those same dragons to tear the country apart.

No one is looking forward to or likes talking about the storming of the Dragonpit beacuse we want to see animal death. We want to see it for what it stands for. An uprising of people pushed too far by a monarchy that uses weapons of mass destruction recklessly beacuse they see themselves as gods. They refused to be subjected to that anymore, and they knew doing it would kill more men then it would dragons but they did it anyways. They looked at the free use of nuclear weapons and decided they will not live in that fear anymore.

Fire and Blood is literally their dragons. It is why they call themselves dragons. They are the destruction of the world, and they see nothing wrong with that.

Dragons plant no trees, and neither do the Targaryeans.

[emeryhiro]

What are your thoughts about the whole bethyl thing? I personally saw it more as Daryl finding hope and light when he was in a place of deep despair - she showed him that there's still good to be seen in the world. And so it was a major loss to him personally when she died. Plus she helped him process part of his past trauma.

But I've seen Norman Reedus and Greg Nicotero say that while romance wasn't scripted, there was a taste of it in the air when it came to acting choices. I hate that idea bc she was a teenager and it makes me feel less good about Daryl. I guess I'd hope that if he started catching some feelings "he didn't understand" (as NR puts it), then he would see that they're too far apart in other ways for it to go beyond a father/daughter big brother/little sister sort of bond. What do you think?

Hey Anon!

Thank you for your questions 😊 I'm sorry it took me some time to respond. I just wanted to be careful with what I say and how I explain my opinion since the last thing I want to do is disregard or disrespect anyone else's opinions on the topic.

I agree with you. I always saw that the reason Daryl grew to care so much for Beth was because she gave him hope and didn't allow him to shut off from the world after he thought he'd lost everything and everyone that mattered to him. This ultimately made him feel like he owed her because she saved him, maybe not in the literal sense, but definitely mentally. Her persistence ultimately leads him to finding everyone again.

Only hours before having to be on the run with Beth, Rick had told Daryl about how he'd sent Carol away for killing Karen and David, and we saw how defeated that made Daryl feel. Realising that Carol had to shoulder that responsibility on her own and that he wasn't able to be there to stand up for her put him in a really bad place mentally.

This guilt was then compounded by the governor returning to the prison and killing Hershel infront of everyone, and the guilt that Daryl felt for giving up his search for Governor, which in his mind was the reason Hershel died and they lost the prison.

So all these things combined meant that Daryl felt responsible for EVERYTHING that had just happened TO EVERYONE. And no one was there to help him sholder that pain and responsibility.

Ultimetly his instincts kick in, all the walls that he'd slowly been breaking down come right back up, and he starts to go cold again just to numb himself from everything he's feeling.

And this is where Beth came in. Firstly, her innocence and optimism was the only thing stopping Daryl from completely shutting off from the world. She kept reminding him that the other's could have made it and that if they got out then odds are others must have as well. And secondly, she kept him busy, she was something that needed his protection and that gave him porpose and a reason to keep going.

After Beth gets taken, Daryl ends up with The Claimers, who he thinks are exactly the type of people he deserves to be around, because (in his mind) he can't seem to be capable of keeping and protecting anything good that comes his away, but by some miracle he's reunited with Rick, Carl and Michonne again, and this is where he realises that Beth was right, and if Rick and co have made it then it probably means others have as well.

I think this moment above was the beginning of Daryl starting to believe that he has value again. Rick's words begin to soften him again, but even after reuniting with almost everyone again, we don't actually see Daryl's guard come down until this moment below.

Every single shield/wall he'd been putting up until now is instantly shattered. He's completely exposed in this moment. His mind and body take a few seconds to register what his eyes are seeing and what his heart is feeling, and he's instantly running to Carol and into her arms without any other thought. This is the moment we can get a true reading of his feelings.

Regarding how he felt for Beth...

Yes, I think there may have been some confusion from Daryl's side about what he was feeling for Beth, just like how Norman has described it previously; he cared for Beth, she was nice to him, and that was so rare in his life that he misread the whole situation and couldn't interpret what he was actually feeling. In my opinion, there was no romantic feeling or intent on either side; they were both just navigating a new form of friendship that they'd never experienced before. And if I had to, I'd compare his relationship with Beth to his relationship with Lydia. To put it very simply, he felt responsible for protecting these young girls who, at the time, had no one else on their side, and ultimately, both girls saved him in return and looked up to him as a role model.

~~~~

Thanks again for the questions 🩵 I really hope I did this justice because my main goal is to keep my blog a positive place for everyone.

I know there are many varying opinions on this topic, but I'm glad I got the chance to share mine, and I just wanted to once again say that this is my opinion and not meant to invalidate anyone else's 🩵

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #36 – Life Does Not Allow Us To Meet by He Xi

I read this basically entirely because it got a hugo nomination, and assuredly would never have tried it otherwise – I literally wouldn’t even have heard of it, let alone be able to get my hands on a (digital) copy. So I went into this with frustratingly little context. Overall I’d call it an interesting read if not necessarily a loveable one.

The story follows a trio of explorers being sent to the colony of Caspian Sea, decades after the previous attempt to check on its progress was lost in a freak FTL accident. The planet, seeded with a population of genetically engineered ‘pioneers’ - humans modified to thrive in its environment - needs to be graded for suitability, and the colonists introduced to advanced technology and welcomed into humanity. Unsurprisingly, things do not go according to plan – the last mission’s destruction wasn’t as reported by the lone survivor, and the population has strayed increasingly far from the plan the Constitution of Earth demands.

Its heritage is of course entirely different, but the story was just incredibly reminiscent of old Golden Age American sci fi to me. The reason is some combination of style and content, I think. It’s overwhelmingly a novella of dialogue and exposition – pages at a time are dedicated to one character explaining a principle of the story’s science or technology to another. With the exception of the very final reveal, the whole plot is dialogue explaining the laws which the story is an expression of or decisions that they had already made – ‘action’ in any sense is in very short supply (despite the genocide). Reminded me of reading my dad’s ratty old paperbacks in the basement as a kid. Oddly nostalgic reading experience.

Prose-wise the story does come across as slightly stilted? Or maybe distant is the better word. Characters emote and have strong reactions, but in nearly every case it felt a bit tell-not-show. I’m not sure how much of that is from the original and how much is an artifact of translation (such is life for the tragically monolingual). While I mean, I’m fairly certain the translation could have been more graceful in places (I simply do not believe that referring to the original colony ship as Big Ship as a proper noun reads the same in English as whatever the original Mandarin was), but beyond that.

Speaking of being in translation – this is a story that made me desperately wish I was more properly familiar with the Chinese SF scene. If only because my initial reaction to it is that it’s obviously in conversation with the whole Three Body Problem series, but also those are literally the only two works of Chinese science fiction I’ve read so I really have no knowledge at all of the wider context they’re both swimming within.

Regardless, Life’s presentation of alien life absolutely does rhyme with Three Body’s, right down to the same examples of historical genocides being used to make the point. The xenophobia is presented as policy rather than an actual law of history, but it feels like a very intentional reference (and the story clearly considers it at least plausible if not necessarily self-evident). Which is what drives the central moral drama of the story – that despite the most careful possible genetic engineering, stellar radiation has left the pioneers of Caspian Sea incapable of reproducing with earth-born humans, and so made them functionally a different species. And thus, by the constitution of earth, axiomatically a potential threat to the survival of humanity that must be exterminated out of hand.

Going from Children of Memory (a series motivated in large part by wonder and joy at the idea of truly nonhuman intelligence, and possessed of ironclad faith in the potential of cosmopolitan, liberal societies to integrate wildly disparate parts) to this was something of a shock.

The book’s vision of humanity is kind of interesting, honestly. Subspecies modified to thrive on different planets, but capable of interbreeding to ensure some level of biological solidarity or shared destiny or something. Not making drastic changes to the appearance, even if it means awkwardly hiding gills under arm pits or not even trying to colonize worlds that would require exuding a thick mucus layer, basically explicitly to make sure that everyone will still find each other fuckable. Fascinatingly shallow, almost?

Anyways yes, interesting ideas and central drama, let down some by prose and execution. Very Asimov.

[wanderingblindly]

HI BABY 🫶🏻 welcome back from the mines of Migraine

may i please please pretty please request a directors cut of too close to touch? literally anything you want to talk about, i shall be seated

i love yooouuuu! x

thank you for welcoming me back to the land of the living, happy to be here etc etc

even HAPPIER to talk about this fic, lowkey I love Too Close To Touch and it was a haze of an experience lol

Some Backstory

Ok so this fic definitely partially came about because my goal for 2024, creatively speaking, is to stop telling myself I don't have the skills to finish certain ideas. Even if I don't execute them perfectly, I still want to push myself to put something together and get even an inch closer to learning how to make something I'll be happy with. This fic came about with that goal in mind.

I'm bad at writing kissing.

I will write an entire fic with kissing as the premise.

This makes perfect sense.

Most of my fics start with my fixating on one very specific scene. Or maybe even a fraction of a scene, a specific mannerism in one conversation. For this fic, the thing my brain latched on to was that moment in a makeout session where you're like.... you're not even really actively kissing anymore, you're just kind of breathing each other in with this open-mouthed desperation like you can't bear to separate yourselves.

So yes. A fic about kissing, and a fic about kissing that devolves into like, talking against each other's lips and breathing each other in. Sane.

My Favorite Lines

And Lando breaks. He breaks loud and hard. His hands fly to Oscar's hips, strong fingers digging in and forcing him down onto his lap with a punched out moan. "Fuck, Osc, I need –" Oscar's hands are already grasping both sides of his head, bringing their mouths together without a hint of delicacy, swallowing his words whole.

As I've mentioned before, I'm not able to see things in my head at all. Tragic. But when I wrote this bit, the immediacy of their movements played like a sound in my head; it's like I could hear the how quickly Oscar grabbed Lando's head, the sound of them pulling themselves together in the blink of an eyes.

Idk, I really loved how I conveyed the urgent pace here, I think.

"Cheater." Lando smiles, and Oscar's lips are back on his before he can get in another word. It's messy. Their mouths are open like they want to devour one another whole, far passed the stage of anything soft. Hell, beyond the point of anything even remotely appealing. It's sloppy, more hungry than sensual – Lando feels like he's trying to breathe him in, like he's trying to taste every piece of him.

This is the thesis. This is the feeling that I wrote this fic to describe, which doesn't always go according to plan. However!!! In this instance I think I nailed it.

In it's blushed innocence, its warm chasteness, it almost felt like a first kiss. He runs his clean fingers over his lips, chapped and sore. Oscar's face burns.

And finally, I thought the ending -- especially for a shoddily thrown together oneshot at 3am -- came together nicely. The shift in tone, the implication that Lando has more delicate feelings than we just saw, was an unexpectedly sweet ending that felt very... them. Like, of course these two idiots would need an excuse to make out on Lando's bed for god knows how long even though they wanted to do it the entire time. Losers. Love 'em though!

[pixelheartthrob]

In Defense of Princess Elise.

When I first got heavily into the Sonic franchise in 2020, I had already heard of how bad 06 was and that Elise was the worst part of it. While 06 isn't a great game by any means, Elise is definitely not the biggest problem. The fandom made me believe that she was an uncaring, selfish person who liked doing...inappropriate things to animals. Once I played the game, however, I saw that this is the complete opposite of how she is. The fandom and the entire internet (because the hatred people have for Elise extends far beyond the fanbase) lied about this character and everyone went along with it for decades.

She had an arc where Sonic taught her to open up, enjoy life, and made her feel genuine happiness for the first time since her father died. I thought it was a sweet and simple arc, and compared to how headache-inducing the time travel stuff can be, I prefer the simplicity of Elise's story. A lot of people blame Elise herself for getting kidnapped but it's not really the character's fault, it's the contrived plots fault. It's common for fan rewrites to try and fix this by changing Elise into a fighter with capabilities on the same level as the other characters, but that's not really fixing. It's more akin to replacing because Elise isn't a fighter. Even worse, there are rewrites of 06 that straight up replace Elise with Sally or Blaze. It reminds me of people saying Elise would be better if she was an anthro character, but her being human isn't a problem. It's just the art direction that needs improving. I actually think Elise being human is one of the things that makes her unique (and her controversial status as Sonic's human love interest is what she's most well known for, so if Sega was to remake 06 and she suddenly showed up as an entirely different species, it'd be a bit jarring lol). You can also considerably lower the number of contrived kidnappings without changing Elise into something she's not. Elise's story and character are more emotion-driven than action-driven, so there are other ways she can be strong. She's already a strong character in an emotional sense. In fact, she's the most emotionally strong character in the series.

For example, I think Elise blowing out the Flame of Disaster (or the Flame of Hope, as it was previously called) is one of the most powerful moments in the franchise.

People give Elise a lot of crap for her breakdown, mostly her "I don't care what happens to the world!" line. This line gets blown out of proportion by a lot of Sonic fans and gamers in general because they aren't very observant and take everything at face value. People call Elise "selfish" for this outburst but just put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if you had to give up the only friend you've ever had ‐ the only person who made you feel genuine happiness in years. All the moments you spent together would be erased from both of your memories. I don't think most people would be able to make such a sacrifice. Get off her back, guys. She's not selfish. Everyone has had moments where they got upset at how unfair the world is.

She obviously didn't mean it, because she regained her composure when remembering Sonic's words and blew out the flame shortly afterwards. People also claim she's being dramatic and crying over someone she's known for a few days, but they conveniently forget that Sonic was literally her only friend and the only one she felt happiness around since the death of her parents. It's understandable that she'd get attached. The fact that Elise blew out the flame and put the world's needs above her own despite all she's been through and despite knowing that she'll lose her only friend shows how selfless she is. She does care about the world.

So, how would one fix Elise without completely altering her character? It's simple, really. Just give her more screentime. Maybe explore how she feels about her parents (especially her father) and how she coped with their deaths. The "not crying for 10 years" thing is the only problem people seem to have with Elise's backstory, but I think there's an easy fix for this, too.

In the scene where Sonic is killed, we see a glimpse of Elise remembering her father's words. At first I wondered what this flashback was showing, but I think this is meant to show Elise's reaction to the news of her father's death. As we can see, she's not crying, but is gently clutching the blue chaos emerald and seems to be in a trance-like state. My idea is that maybe the energy of the chaos emerald regulates her emotions and she carries it around for comfort. It could also help her cope by detaching from the situation or reality altogether.

We can see her clutching the emerald during the first cutscene at the festival when Eggman threatens to take it from her, too. She is understandably reluctant to hand the emerald over because it was given to her as a charm to ease the pain of her father's death, so she holds it dearly. She probably had the emerald in this cutscene as emotional support just in case anything went wrong during the festival because other than that, I can't think of a reason for her to be carrying it. There are also moments where she blanks out or has hallucinations.

So that's my idea as to how Elise went for so long without crying. Elise is a decent character that just needed more screentime, not a complete character overhaul like people say. In my proposed fixes, I didn't make many drastic changes or remove anything from Elise's character or backstory, I just added to it. The main problem is that Elise was underwritten, not badly written, as there were things that should've been explored more regarding her backstory and her parents. I'd like to mention what I said at the start about people portraying her as a creep whose into necrophilia and beastiality, mainly because of her kissing Sonic. People really overreact to the kiss scene as if it's a scandalous moment that Sega tried to sneak into a kids game, but it's...really not. It's clearly meant to be reminiscent of a fairytale and the kiss was obscured by a light. It's quite literally the most tame thing in the universe. Plus, Sonic's spirit was present during the kiss and the first thing he does upon being revived is thank Elise. It's also not beatiality because Sonic isn't a literal hedgehog. He's an anthropomorphic cartoon character that's able to walk, talk, and think like humans do.

Just like how people will portray Elise as a creep, they'll portray Sonic as being disturbed by her very presence or Amy wanting to kill Elise because she "stole her man". This obviously contradicts everything in the actual game because Sonic is shown to enjoy Elise's company and Amy has a lot of respect for Elise. It's kind of misogynistic to think that just because two female characters have a crush on the same guy, they have to be at eachothers throats. It's also strange because Sonic fans will throw huge fits when the characters are written poorly, out of character, or flanderized, but that's exactly what they're doing to the characters. Writing Amy as hateful and violent towards Elise just turns Amy into the crazy, overprotective, Sonic stalker that fans hate to see people accuse her of being. If Sonic was to act like a jerk towards any of his other friends, fans would consider that out of character, so why do those same fans portray him as acting like that towards Elise - someone he is shown to appreciate and consider a friend? I guess it's okay to wildly misrepresent a character or flanderize them, but only when it's directed at another character that you don't like. This fandom makes no sense.

[makedonsgriva]

Devil Venerable Also Wants To Know : A Review

So I generally don't do reviews. But going through the tumblr tag and then on AO3 and seeing the abysmal amount of posts and fanfics, I am writing this review in hopes of someone reading this and then getting convinced by my agenda.

Because Devil Venerable Also Wants to Know deserves to be read by yall.

IT. IS. SO. GOOD.

To summarize, we start with the leader of the demonic Xuanyuan Sect, Wenren E, getting a copy of a trashy romance novel, Abusive Romance.

What baffles him is that he, a logical, rational person who has never felt love in his life, is the second lead and falls in love with the Mary Sue female lead and gives up everything for her and dies in the end for her too.

What makes him even more confused that after he dies in the novel, his loyal subordinate Yin Hanjiang is driven to madness and is hell bent on revenge, pursuing the female lead to kill her.

Wenren E decides that this cannot be allowed. He is not afraid of death, (although he does mind that it was for a stupid reason and not on his own terms) but he very much minds the fact that his subordinate went insane after it. So he sets out to re write destiny.

Now let's talk about the highlights of this book

The Characters

DVAWTK is full of interesting, fun and exciting characters who will remain etched in your memory. Whether it is the sensuous, ruthless and ambitious Shu Yanyan or the wise, perceptive and kind Zhongli Qian, there is a multitude of characters to pick from to love and adore and all of them have deeper and hidden depths that give them layers of complexities.

Not to mention, DVAWTK has several strong and amazing female characters. I have mostly read MXTX books and this is where she lacks the most: hardly any strong female characters. She writes shockingly amazing characters but most of them are male and I mostly don't mind but I do wish I got some great girls to cherish in there too.

Cyan Wings does not disappoint in that aspect. All their female characters are wonderfully well fleshed out. Especially Baili Qingmiao. Seeing her go from the biggest girlfailure to an absolute girlboss over 70 something chapters is satisfying in a sense the way, and I quote the book here, "one feels about their first daughter finally grow up" Chef's kiss truly.

The Plot

The plot is engaging but nothing too crazy, if I am being honest. Apart from a couple of reveals and plot twists that were shocking, it mostly stuck to a more or less predictible story line. That does not mean it was not good; it was. Most of the arcs keep you engaged enough to keep reading without being able to put the story down and tie into each other seamlessly. As such, there are no plot holes and stupid or unnecessary story lines. It works very well to support the characters and their personal growth and arcs.

The Humour

Top notch. So well done. Got me laughing out loud multiple times and earned me a lot of weird looks from my roommate but all worth it. SVSSS was the funniest work I read but DVAWTK gives it a run for its money in terms of the comedy it has and also it's general unhinged-ness, mostly thanks to it's characters. Everyone at the Demonic Xuanyuan Sect is a goofball although they are not trying to be. The skeleton lady Qiu Congxue has no brains. Literally. A ghost ate it so you can guess just how well she is faring in the books.

(she still is immensely powerful tho)

The Romance

So far the biggest freaks I had found while reading Danmei are Mo Ran and Luo Binghe.

Yin Hanjiang is a hundred times worse.

He is an absolute psycho, a complete nutter, powerful beyond comprehension and hopelessly devoted to Wenren E. And Wenren E, once realising his own feelings, thinks it is all so hot!! (makes you really wonder just who is more insane among the two)

My subordinate wants to destroy the entire cultivation world after my death? He has my full support that's so cute of him <3

Freak4freak with some very beautiful and tender moments and an absolute badass power couple who kick ass together in battles. Truly amazing. I love love love wenrenjiang.

The World building

Wonderfully well done and also easy to follow! I especially liked how cultivation was viewed from a different light in this novel and how the book explores the ways it is actually harmful to mortals. I actually learnt a lot about various cultivation stages from this novel and came to understand some common aspects of xianxia novels. DVAWTK uses many technical terms in terms of cultivation and it is fun to read and learn about it

Found Family

Need I say more? Like what's better than a bunch of idiots coming together and growing on their journey thanks to each other? *gently holds Su Huai, Baili Qingmiao, Qiu Congxue and Zhongli Qian in my palms* they are so important to me

Final Thoughts

DVAWTK is a great read with a very satisfying ending. It keeps you hooked till the very end and I am honestly surprised it is so underrated. I am very glad it is getting an official translation soon so hopefully, it will amass more readers although the unofficial translation I read is also very good. It deserves way more hype and fans then it has because it's so silly, so good and so well done. Ugh I hope it also gets some kind of adaptation some day to make it more popular because it deserves it all.

Please read this novel. That's what I want to say. You will not be disappointed.

[sophielovestaylor]

CALLING ALL SWIFTIES!! PLEASE READ THIS 🫶🏼🫶🏼

hey y’all!! this is an extremely big ask but i’ve been trying to get in touch with taylor and her team for ever, to hopefully one day try and meet her and i know it might not be likely but even if it isn’t i hope this message reaches her somehow!! let’s try make it happen swifties!

hi taylor!!! im not sure if this message will ever reach you or not seeing as you propably get loads of messages each day, but i’m gonna try and shoot my shot and see if by literally a miracle you’ll be able to read this message im gonna write to you!!

firstly, i’ve literally thought about writing this letter to you so many times (like SO MANY TIMES) but somehow my words always felt like they weren't enough to express the gratitude, admiration, and deep connection i feel toward you and your music but today i have FINALLY decided to just let my heart speak, and so therefore im writing to you! but no matter how hard i honestly don’t i could ever truly write how much you actually mean to me, how much your music has impacted my life, or how your presence in the world has been literally a light during some of the darkest times l've ever experienced (im so sorry if this letter might seem really creepy or weird i promise im just a normal 15 year old girl who loves her cat!!)

tbh i can't exactly pinpoint the first moment i discovered your music (i think it was around like 2017 and i was like 10) but when i first started consciously listening to you and knew who you where which is around when rep was released i remember how it felt and god was reputation such a good fucking album (rep tv or debut tv when because i am ACHING for those vault tracks ma’am!!!!) when i first listened to folklore when it came out it was like someone had finally put into words all the emotions i was too afraid or unable to express, your lyrics spoke directly to my heart and and it felt like for the first time, someone understood me and to me it was more than just listening to music it was like you were a friend who was there for me when I needed someone most, and your music even though you literally didn't know me at all helped me so much more than you could ever imagine

third off i just want to say thank you for being such an amazing person, you have one of the most genuinest and kindest souls i have ever seen, and beyond the music, i have to tell you that who you are as a person has been an equally important source of inspiration for me, i’ve watched you navigate your career with such strength, and an unwavering sense of self, even in the face of incredibly difficult situations (scooter braun they could never make me like you) and you as a person has shown me and so many others that it's okay to stand up for yourself, to speak your truth, and to own your story, even when the world tries to silence you.

your bravery in standing up for your rights as an artist, your dedication to us swifties, and your ability to remain authentic in an industry that often values image over substance has been nothing short of inspiring, you’ve faced public betrayal and criticism, yet somehow you continue to rise above it all with such resilience and this is something i honestly respect so much and you are honestly so so brave and such a role model for people all over the world (especially me) and watching you navigate those challenges with such literal amazingness gave me the strength to face my own challenges with a little more courage and to be myself no matter what anyone thinks and i will forever appreciate you for teaching me life lessons sometimes that nobody around me could

i have never felt more love and genuine happiness for literally anyone ever, i’m so proud of how far you’ve come in life and that you finally find someone that treats you with all the love and respect that you ma’am deserve (mrs kelce when????)

anyways tay i don’t want to bore you but thank you for being such an inspiring role model in my life, you’re music was always there for me when i needed it and even if you don’t know me i will always and forever be in your corner and will always root for you! when i stayed up watching the vmas i literally SCREAMED when you won!!!

when i first started secondary school, i used to go through a ton amount of bullying and people coming at for over nothing everyday over literally just the way i looked and i used to get added to so many group chats and get mugs of me posted alllll over peoples snapchat stories just because i was a little bit different to everyone, but through all of that who was there for me? FOLKLORE AND EVERMOREEE 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️!! you’re music and a lot of the things you’ve said about mental health and empowering women has helped me find my voice and my confidence and to be myself no matter what and i’ve made every single moment since then to embrace myself as a person and make the most out of my life!

this year i’m about to sit my gcses which i honestly find so freaky! but to end this off, hopefully if you ever see this i’d love to one day be able to meet you and i know you propably get a thousand of messages a day of people asking the same thing, but to me meeting you would literally be a life long dream, i would love nothing more than to actually just sit and talk to you and hang out with you and literally just be two normal people having a conversation, so maybe if you do happen to see this..maybe it’ll work out 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

i love you tay, and i’ll always always be in your corner rooting for you!! <3

- sophie 🫶🏼

here’s my socials for any of y’all that want it!! :)

insta: sophiegrrce

snapchat: sophiegrxce12

twitter: sophsversionx

[sugurusdiscordmoderator]

Gamer Girly - part 2

link to part one • link to master list

cw: alcohol, bisexualness, idk me being half gay

MDNI 18+

not proof read, literally wrote this bc of my insomnia and not being able to sleep tonight

You and Geto texted to plan a FaceTime call in a few days as it worked for his schedule and you were beyond nervous. Even going as far as using your whitening strips and getting your eyebrows done. You planned it for Thursday evening, a time after Geto’s stream was over, before you, Utahime, and Haibara were about to go out to bars for Thirsty Thursday with your fake ID’s. You did your makeup and hair while listening to the squads stream rehearsing in your head what you think Geto would say. You picked out a black crop top and a short denim skirt to wear paired with your vans. As they wrapped up their stream you started feeling anxious and took a shot of a vodka mini bottle you had lying around your apartment to calm some nerves. As you swallow some orange juice as a chaser your phone buzzes from your desk.

‘hey just wrapped up, let me know when you’re free and I’ll shoot you a call. :)’

god texting him felt like you were flirting in high school all over again like a giddy innocent girl.

you set your macbook up on your desk so you could have a better view of him for the FaceTime.

‘sure, ready whenever you are!’ You respond.

Your anticipation leads to sweaty palms and sipping a white claw that was left in your fridge at some point as you pace around your bedroom, making sure everything in the background is okay.

your ringtone from your laptop goes off rather loud and you quickly sit at your desk but don’t press the answer button too soon. The 10 seconds it takes the call to load seems like years as you bounce your leg under your desk.

“hey!” You both speak at the same exact time, as you nervously giggle.

“How are you?” Comes out of both your mouths at the same time again.

“I’m sorry, you first,” you say as he chuckles with his eyes squinted close in the most precious way.

“I’m great, happy to be done streaming for the night and getting ready to go out with some friends, how about you?”

“I’m also going out with some friends for once! We don’t go to bars a whole lot but wanted to try one tonight. Other than that great now that I actually get to speak with you,” you admit, blushing.

“Yeah about that, this moderator thing is pretty easy, mainly the thing you have to watch out for on my discord is people sexualizing Shoko. She’s started to get butthurt about how she’s ‘more than a pretty face’” he rolls his eyes sarcastically.

“Oh yeah of course…” you pause, “are you guys like dating or…?” You close your eyes not believing you just fucking asked that.

“Oh no no, she’s been Satoru and I’s best friend all through high school. We taught her to play and she has pretty much gotten better than us.”

“Satoru?”

“Oh sorry yes that is Gojo’s first name, we all go by our last names on the stream.”

“Oh yeah okay, makes sense,” you glance over at the notepad sitting next to your laptop wondering if you should be taking notes.

“I have to admit there’s not really a whole lot that goes into it, I just wanted to see you over FaceTime.” He grins, lighting up a blunt and casually looking at his screen to see your reaction.

He can’t be flirting with you…right? You decide to take the ball in your court, “well what can I say, I’m only one of your most devoted fans,” winking at him and hoping you don’t seem too lame.

He chuckles, taking a long puff of his blunt and passing it to someone off the screen.

You dare to ask, “also sorry if this is too personal to ask so soon, but I saw your area code is close to where I go to college, can I ask where you’re from?”

He looks like his brain is trying to fit pieces together for a moment, looking up at the person he passed the blunt to. “Uh, yeah I’m from Shibuya and I go to university here.”

Your jaw drops, “like University of Shibuya?”

“Yeah, are you familiar with it?” He asks.

“I’m a junior here! I had no idea you guys were from around here or went to the same school!”

You hear Gojo in the back whisper “oh my fucking god”

Suguru shoots daggers at Gojo, still off screen, and doesn’t know what to say.

“We don’t have to meet up or anything if you’re uncomfortable with it! We can just pretend like we didn’t talk about this,” you blush nervously thinking he was put off by something you said.

“No, no, I mean it would be great either way. Just was a little surprising that’s all.” He responds, no longer looking around for Gojo, just focusing on you on his screen.

“Yeah well I’ll promote you to a moderator tonight and have the other mod text you to kinda explain the situation.” The dark haired mystery man smiles awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “Oh and the pay, uh how does $20 per hour sound?”

“Yeah sure whatever you’re willing to pay I’ll take it!” you say almost too eagerly. You knew mods got paid kind of well but you didn’t know it was this good. If he streams 7 days a week for 2 hours, that’s already $280 a week. Plus the time you spend in discord on the chats.

“Okay well I’ll be in touch…” he trails off and you can’t tell if he’s either high or just uninterested in your conversation. (In reality Gojo had a girl sitting on his lap sucking his face off and Suguru was trying to decide if he was disgusted or turned on)

“Yeah, thank you for picking me! Look forward to talking with you,” you say hoping he’s not regretting his choices noting that he got a little awkward after the talk about being local arose.

“Yeah, see ya,” he says too casually with hardly a hint of a smile on his face. You click the ‘end call’ button and sigh. It seems like this unobtainable crush you had on suguru for the past 9 months was still just that. Why had you never seen him around town or campus? Granted, it was a really big school and everything but never once had you seen him, by god you would remember that face.

You snap out of your trance back to your white claw and scroll to find your texts with Utahime while you down the can

‘your place in 10?’ you text her.

‘Yes, sorry kinda last minute but some of haibara and i’s other friends are going to come too’ she texts back and you groan, not in the mood to meet new people.

The thought of having to be social enough to go to the bar was anxiety inducing, but now having to actually meet people before you’re drunk? You grab two more of the mini bottles of vodka you have in your freezer downing one and shoving the other in your pocket for when you get to Utahime’s apartment.

You walk into her unlocked flat without knocking, being too in your head from the FaceTime call and what it meant. Utahime is sitting on the counter, Haibara between her legs as they are making out passionately. Her arms wrapped around his neck, legs spread in her skirt so Haibara (and you) can see her turquoise panties.

“Oh I’m sorry,” you giggle staring at the scene in front of you. “I thought you were expecting me.”

Utahime, obviously embarrassed jumps down from the counter acting like nothing happened and walks over to give you a hug. Wearing a blue skirt, white shirt, and red bow in her hair she looks as cutely innocent as ever. You looked about as opposite as her as possible with your ripped denim skirt, black crop top revealing your cleavage just perfectly, and black and white checkered vans.

“How did the call go?” She asks as Haibara excuses himself to the bathroom trying, but failing, to hide his boner from their make out session.

“Great but I have news about like the four of them -“ you’re cut off by a knock at the apartment door.

In walks a girl with white hair, a black button up black mini skirt, with knee high socks. She was accompanied by two average looking men, obviously whipped by her aura.

“Mei Mei!” Utahime runs over to her and gives her a hug. You’re a little taken aback by the warm welcome this new girl received versus your very awkward one. Well I guess that’s what you get for not knocking.

Haibara comes out of the bathroom looking like he just splashed cold water on his face and neck, “Bayer, Kokun, good to see you.” Walking up to them to dab them up.

You take this opportunity to down the mini bottle in your pocket and take a sip of Utahime’s sprite she left sitting on the counter. Sheeeeesh, three mini bottles and a white claw in before you even leave for the bar? You’re feeling pretty good and confident. Walking in on the couple’s make out session made you realize how long it had been since you got any action. Besides your vibrator working over time, usually after Geto’s streams.

You force yourself out of your thoughts and walk up to the trio chit chatting with the couple and introduce yourself. “Hey I’m y/n” and extend your hand to shake.

“Nice to meet you, y/n, Utahime has told me a lot about you.” Mei Mei says in her naturally sultry voice. Your eyes nervously look at Utahime, consider she had never mentioned this attractive white haired woman to you before.

“We’re new friends, she just moved in down the hallway and these two guys helped her move in.” Utahime says reading your mind.

“Ah nice to meet you, I’m just a few floors up if you ever need anything.” You respond.

“All we’re missing is Yuki right?” Mei Mei asks as she directs her attention to Utahime.

“Yeah but who knows if she’ll show up. I’ll text her to just meet us at the bar.”

-

With that, the group heads out to go to one of the dive bars in the city, a little place with karaoke on Thursdays. Supposedly Mei Mei knows the bouncer quite well, walking up first in the crowd to whisper something in his ear, finger trailing down his chest. You’re not sure what she said to him, only that his cheeks turned red and he let the 5 of you in without checking your IDs at all. From what you heard this place didn’t let fakes in very easily so you wonder what could have bribed that man. You grab a high top table in the back near the pool tables with Utahime and Mei Mei as the 3 boys go to grab you drinks.

“Can we sing a girls song together?” You propose to the two.

“Y/n are you drunk already? You’d never suggest that sober.” Utahime raises her eyebrows at you.

“How about the spice girls?” You ask ignoring her question. Mei Mei nods with a slight smirk. As you go up to put your name on a slip of paper the boys come back with the drinks. The DJ winks at you and you immediately regret your decision.

A few songs later and it seems your drink is gone, listening to the boys talk about sports and video games, as the two girls chat about their one annoying neighbor on their floor that has the loudest sex imaginable.

You walk up to the bar and stand patiently next to a tall beautiful blonde woman.. you try not to stare as the bartender comes over to her and asks her order. “I’ll take a whiskey and ginger ale, and whatever this girl is having.” She smirks pointing her thumb over to you. “Vodka cran please,” you squeak out to the bartender, nervously smiling at her.

The man goes to make the drinks as she sticks out her hand, “Hi pretty, I’m Yuki.”

“Oh you’re Yuki! Friends with Mei Mei and Utahime?” You stumble out the words remembering her name from earlier.

“Sorry, I’m y/n. I’m here with them tonight, I can take you to them if you’d like?”

Yuki leaves her card with the bartender and hands you your drink. “After you,” she smiles taking the first sip of her drink looking you up and down smugly. You grab her free hand with her vape in it and weave from the bar back to the table you all had claimed.

“I found someone you guys may know?” You shyly interject trying to be funny. The whole group erupts into various versions of “Yuki! Oh my god so good to see you!” She props herself up on the last open barstool at the table. Baggy red cargo pants and a black crop top, no bra with nipple piercings pretty obvious. She catches you staring and nods her head in a “come here” kind of way.

“So what’s your type?” She asks.

“Uh what?” You question back.

“What’s your type of woman?…or man I guess.” She eyes you up and down as if trying to determine your sexuality.

“Uh… I like long hair? And someone who can have a good time?” You’ve never had to answer that question on the spot so you think your answer was decent enough.

She lets out a chuckle and takes another sip of her drink. “So you’re not playing for a single side I’m hearing.” She smirks and puts her arm around your shoulder.

“Yeah I guess not” you smile back realizing how close your faces are.

Just then the DJ announces the next karaoke names, “y/n, Utahime and Mei Mei are going to sing us Wannabe by the Spice Girls!”

“y/nnnn” a tipsy Utahime grabs your hand and starts rushing you three to the stage. One thing you forgot about this place is you have to take a shot before singing. You three take your shots of what tastes like battery acid, stinging going down and trying not to think about it as the music starts.

The 90s classic song gets ever girl in the bar singing and dancing at the edge of the stage and you see Haibara behind the crowd video taping your performance.

Your words are starting to slur slightly and you are just having a great time feeling like a pop star. You swear up in the balcony of the bar you see a white head of hair jamming out and screaming the words but hey everyone’s having a good time!

The song comes to a close and the three of you get escorted off stage. You split from the two and say “I’m going to step outside to smoke for a second,” as you do when you drink.

You walk up to the back door of the bar and as you go to push, you feel someone else pull. With the alcohol in your system, your reaction time is a little delayed. Before you know it you are falling forward towards the gravel with your arms out.

“Oh Jesus Christ” you mumble out assessing the damage while you sit up so you are on your knees. Only a few scrapes as the person on the other side of the door comes up to you and puts a hand on your back.

“Oh my god are you okay I’m sorry,” you hear a familiar voice. Too familiar.

You turn around to meet amber eyes inches from your face.

“Geto?” Your jaw drops.

—

A/N I had to go through my archives to see what someone would wear to a bar in 2018 😭 and look up a discord mods hourly pay on google 😭 also had a bi panic moment w Yuki and Utahime and MeiMei as usual if you can’t tell

[silversiren1101]

At The End - OCKiss24 Salvadore x Minovae

I managed to find time to actually participate in a writing event! We can thank my new ADHD meds for that I'm sure. Anyway, this first is featuring my Minovae and @dmagedgoods Salvadore, who I have long cherished their relationship as much as it's fascinated me. They're what could have been and what could never be. I'm so happy with how this came out - please know I cried multiple times while writing it!

Violet eyes looked out over the city below and beyond the marble balustrade. Smoke rose from nearly every main plaza and thoroughfare, and even what seemed to be the most innocuous of alleyways as well as the highest parapets. For the first in some many decades, nay, a century, even, there was no cause for alarm from this. It wasn’t demons ravaging the last line of defense in this nation that both was and wasn’t, but now could be. The war hadn’t reached here, Nerosyan, the capital, because the war was over.

The Knight Commander had done it. Knight Commander Salvadore had closed the Worldwound. Where no other could, and it hadn’t been for lack of trying, but for all so much bloodsoaked and desperate failure, the war had finally ended.

And by a poncy, arrogant noble with a stick up his ass to rival even Iomedae’s.

Miracles, it seemed, weren’t in so short supply as the name of this age had made it seem.

Minovae sighed deeply looking out over the city with its night sky filled with smoke for the first time not from war but from celebration, her tail listlessly hanging off the edge between the balusters. Bonfires beat back the darkness, and she realized then that the smell and sight was what was making her stomach clench and eyes rimmed with wet. How much like home it was, poor battered and stripped Westcrown, whose nightly pyres weren’t out of any cause for celebration but to beat back the shadow-beasts that stalked her streets once the sun set and feared the light.

A home she knew she’d never see again.

The ache in her mind from Thrune’s brand told her as much. She’d never make it as far as Westcrown once she crossed the border of homeland. They’d take her back to Egorian, where the beginning of this end began, and they’d put the loose end that she was to close once and for all. It was coming. Soon. She knew it was. They might even be ready to disappear her as soon as she stepped from Nerosyan’s walls.

The thought only reinforced that emptiness that pervaded her. She had nothing left to fight for, anyway. Even more, she’d fought alongside heroes. She’d helped do the impossible. The Crusades were over, and she’d played no small part in it. Even the fact she wore this evening not her armor, its weight heavy and familiar comfort, but finery, felt strange. So much of her existence had been defined by steel and blood and blade and shield, and now it was drawing to a close not in the middle of a craggy field that smelled of iron, but on the night of celebration, in a gala hosted by literal royalty.  

The liquor in her glass burned comfortingly as she took another sip. ‘As strong as you have’, she’d told the man, who’d grinned and reached under the bar for something so old and dusty she hadn’t been able to catch the label. It did the trick, vapors stinging her nose and warming her throat and gut better than anything she’d had in years, and she reminded herself to thank him before she left for the night.

“Ah, here you are.”

She would have started had her senses not been dulled by drink—truthfully, this was her fifth glass. The clink of the ice as she’d knocked it back had disguised his footsteps, she surmised. He had no reason to sneak up on her tonight, and he walked with all the confidence and bravado his station and title presumed on his behalf at nearly all times.

“Here I am…”, she flicked her gaze to the corner as he came to the balcony balustrade, leaning against it, mindful of her tail where it trailed across the marble. Those icy blues locked onto hers and held that gaze firm. She might have thought it a challenge, or some type of implied order as he was oft to give, had his lips not been lightly tugged ever so upwards at their corners into a smile that was, by all accounts, warm. She stared at those lips perhaps a moment too long, before continuing. “Though I’m not sure it is really you, Sal, with such an expression on that face.”

He took no offense to the diminutive of his name. Not with her, at least. But she did note the quirk in his brow; inquisitive.

“My dear, it is a night for celebration, if you have not noticed.

“And so even the great Salvadore can afford himself a smile? I see”, she smirked.

It felt bitter. Even as happy as she truly was for him, for all of them, the emptiness of her future had tainted this night before it had even began. She quickly returned her gaze to the bottom of the glass cradled between her fingers, dangling over the edge of open air above the city below.

A heavy beat of silence passed. She knew without meeting that gaze again that he was aware something was weighing on her. He was one of the few she’d ever met that matched her ability to read nearly anyone, no matter how inscrutable.

“You should go back inside, you know. It is a night for celebration, after all”, she used his own words, hoping it would rub him wrong enough to just make him leave. “I’m sure they’ll be wondering where the man of the evening is.”

But, she knew the copious drink had taken her off her game tonight. Normally she could handle him as she did other nobles, though certainly not lightly–he’d ever been one of her most difficult rivals. Even admitting as such had rankled her, but now, here, she could only think of the term fondly. She internally cursed the sweet heat cloying her thoughts.

“Without you? Without whom this would not be possible? No, my dear, your absence has been noticeable enough. You have spent enough time endearing the night air with your appearance, when it would be much better spent on the unworthy eyes back inside.”

She snorted at that. Shook her head. “Are you saying I look nice?”

“Is that such a surprise? You look beautiful. It is a crime that the first time I have seen you in a dress, you’ve spent most of it hiding away.”

It was true. She’d been present for the opening ceremonies, of course. She’d even started the night just as lively and bright as nearly everyone else, dancing one or two waltzes with their friends—then, someone had asked her what she would do next, after all this was done.

And the brand seared into her mind had started to ache.

She swallowed down a sigh, not wanting him to hear. Her tail, heavy, almost languidly, pulled itself back up from the plummet she wanted to take before them and instead squished the air like shoulders would a shrug.

“You could have always ordered me into a dress, if you were so desperate to see it.”

“It would not have looked half as radiant on you than one donned willingly. I can see there was truth to your stories. Any lesser man in there would crumple before you, if you had your heart set on crushing theirs.”

Had he always been this funny, she wondered. No, it was the alcohol working in his favor. Still, she chuckled. Heat licked to the skin beneath her scaled cheeks. She knew she must’ve looked much like a watermelon then–those green-tinted opals sitting in a sea of red.

“Alright, alright. Need I tattle to Daeran with how much you’re trying to butter me up?” 

It was an empty threat and joke, they both knew. The only thing Daeran would be mad at was that he was not here to see and hear this for himself. 

“When I left, he was last doing what I expected you ��to be doing all evening. Dancing the night away, breaking those hearts with each hand he trades for another.”

“I’m glad he’s enjoying himself. It’s just… louder in there than I remember…”, she answered wistfully. “I’m not used to being around so many people again. At least, not in a war camp… without my armor.”

He knew all about her past navigating through galas and parties much like these. She’d told him as such, how she used to stalk her prey on their own grounds, playing their own game; the Hellknight who’d eschew her armor for a dress and weapon for an invitation to dance, luring the guilty in with honey only to bring them to the guillotine all the same.

She only hoped he’d accept the excuse. Just telling him the truth would kill her. Him, possibly, too. Literally. The last thing she wanted on her record before she went to the Boneyard was taking down the angelic hero who’d ended the Crusades in a blackened, infernal blaze of her brand detonating.

“It has quieted some. The wine has seen to that, and most have had their choices in dance.”

She hummed. “Then surely my presence isn’t that missed.”

“On the contrary”—a shift of movement caught her attention. She looked back up from her glass toward him once more, and found a hand, fingers lightly curled upward, extended in invitation towards her.

“This entire Crusade, you have bragged about your prowess on the dance floor and told me of your greatest triumphs taking down ‘arrogant blowhard fops of my caliber,’”—she felt a rush of even hotter flame to her cheeks and a rattle shook her tail as he’d remembered one of the rants she’d gone on after particularly pissing her off—“, and yet, I have yet to see it for myself. I insist: would you have but a single dance with me, Lady Minovae?”

She stared. First, at his hand, those tan fingers extended invitingly. By all accounts they should be as rough and calloused as hers, and yet they looked untouched by the horrors of the war they’d both fought through, side by side. His nails were perfectly cut and filed, and shone beneath the moonlight. Hells, she swore there was a light glow emanating from it, but she had no idea if it was just from how bright the moon was, or because of the angelic power coursing through him. It looked warm, despite him being a dhampir.

And then her gaze shifted upward, to the rest of him. His blue eyes had narrowed, warm, inviting, despite how piercingly cold their color was. She noticed then that the night had gotten to his usual perfectly manicured and groomed self. Some hairs had fallen from his typical neat style, wayward curls—curls!—teasing his forehead and giving him an almost roguish appeal that made her breath catch. For once, he looked real. He looked mortal. At this, his highest point in power, literally touched by the Heavens and the Abyss alike, Salvadore looked more like a living, breathing, touchable person than at any other point in which she’d known him. He didn’t rise in her that distrust and disgust that normally appeared when she lay eyes upon a noble, even with him dressed in the brightest white and gold finery she’d ever seen.

He looked… 

Warm. Handsome. Inviting. Mortal. An ally. A friend. Something more. Her breath caught for a moment. She found herself staring at his lips again, sitting above his chiseled chin and jawline. Had they always looked so… soft? He was doing that soft smile again, confident and controlled, but welcoming. The kind that made you let down your guard, of which the whiskey clouding her thoughts certainly wasn’t helping.

“A good kisser?”, she snorted derisively. “I didn’t know they taught you how to kiss in noble school. I certainly don’t know where else you would’ve learned given how insufferable you are. Unless that mysterious ‘mentor’ of yours taught you that, too.”

Salvadore only made a low noise in the back of his throat, confident and knowing. The look he shot her was much the same. “You are welcome to a demonstration, if you need the proof, my lady knight, Arangeir.”

Her boisterous laugh was all the answer he needed: never in a million years.

She remembered the moment in a sudden flash like it was yesterday. She couldn’t even remember what had triggered that conversation, but she certainly remembered the tease and invitation now. It hadn’t been a million years, but she wouldn’t get a million years. Sal might. He and Daeran together. But she wouldn’t. She might not even get a week. Daeran would forgive her for this, she knew… and well, if he didn’t, she supposed she wouldn’t be around long to suffer it.

“…A dance?”, she licked her lips, suddenly feeling overly warm, overly flushed. Her dress exposed much of her back and shoulders, letting her feathers and scales breathe , and only went to about her mid-thigh regardless. Still, she felt hot. She felt stupid, too, but did it matter? “You can have your dance, if I can have something in return.”

That piqued his curiosity. Salvadore drew his hand back slightly, if only because he’d straightened his posture. His head tilted, and a brow raised. Something glinted in his eye. Concern? She didn’t care.

“Do you remember months ago… You claimed to be a good kisser. I didn’t believe you. What if I told you I still don’t?”

Her pulse was racing now. She could feel it thud-thud-thudding in her chest. It got even worse as realization dawned upon him.

She half expected a slap; he was a taken man now, after all. He might have even just turned around and gone back inside, which, fine. For the moment, though, he only stared at her. She could tell he was trying to decipher why she was asking for this now, why in the Hells now? Could she blame him? Of course not, he had no idea the severity of the truth, of just how little time she had left to do what she wanted and be a little crazy before everything ended.

What she didn’t expect was for those fingers to return. Closer. Curled under her chin.

She gasped lightly, hotly, as Salvadore clasped her jaw. Those hands were cold, as she thought, but the feel of that icy chill across her flushed skin felt almost like healing magic dancing across wounds, knitting them closed. 

Her tail vibrated anxiously, filled with so much energy where it had lain dead before. She could feel her feathers rising from neck to tail tip, fluffing up in that way that made her look like an alarmed cat.

Their eyes held each others’, and his additionally held a question. 

Now or never.

“You promised a demonstration”, she merely answered.

He needed no other reassurance.

Their height difference made it more difficult than it should have been, but Salvadore had been only truthful in his claims. He knew exactly what to do.

A hand pressed to the flat of her back, directly over the strip of feathers running down her spine and scales surrounding them—now running icily themselves trying to cool her down. She briefly wondered if he even noticed with the chill in his own hands, but let it drift away as soon as it had come. He pressed her close and up, bidding her to her toes as he himself confidently arched downward.

Soft. They were soft. How funny it was, she thought, that such iron and coldness could come from those lips only for them to be so damn soft. Softer than hers. Theirs pressed against the other, and her eyes slipped closed upon the gentle impact. She mapped them in the darkness behind her eyelids, each and every crease, the cupid’s bow, the feel of his breath across her face.

When had she last been kissed? She didn’t remember. Wetness rimmed her eyes again. She didn’t even love him. Love had escaped her at every turn, snatched away always and viciously by circumstance. All she could think of was the emptiness, of what hadn’t been and what she’d never had. His lips right then, for only this brief moment, were filling that yawning void. It was a piece that didn’t fit in this puzzle. Not perfectly. But for a moment, it was filled.

Then pressing. Then prodding. Further still, he took it, and she went rigid in shock before melting as his tongue breached what should have been where this had ended. It brought with it the taste of wine, luxurious and more opulent than any her salary would have spared. Something in her found it funny that for as much as she’d always tormented him about her dislike of fine wines, he’d still found a way to share a glass with her.

At the end. Of everything.

[moleculegirls]

uhm. little sorta setomu drabble? uhm its like 1000 words so pretty small? i think?. yeah idk what to call this but here idk. inspired by @femmedeadlox's little setomu drabble because that was literally so cute and i loved it

Through the sound of blood pumping in his ears, he could barely hear the now muffled sounds of mobs. He near collapsed to the floor, scrambling to the furthest wall from the monsters as he fumbled with his pickaxe. Clutching at the wood hard enough that he'd likely have to draw splinters from his hands later.

Each breath came out like a hiss, muscles twitching and firing at random as he attempted to clear his head. Slowly drawing in breath after breath, each one slower than the last. He wasn't fighting anymore, he was safe. A fickle sense of awareness crawled through his body, feeling every small movement he took as if still checking for any new hits landed on him. Deep breath in, then out. Shoulders retreating down, goosebumps flattening, and magic slowly loosening its hold on his surroundings and focussing in on keeping the barrier between him and the monsters just beyond it.

He gives himself a quick check over for wounds, cave spiders can be venomous, even without a bite. A simple scratch can tick away at your health, even if the spider happens to be the average sort. Seto himself has had a long run of helping through ailments caused by small doses of toxin or bacteria, enough to recognize the poisonous substance by scent alone.

He runs a nervous hand down his forearm, landing at a bracelet-like obstacle. He paused. Jason had given him this quite a while ago, something akin to a breakthrough in communication that came adjusted with a little built in responding system in its creators wake. Jason was sure to be asleep by now, likely along with everyone else.

He felt around the device, examining in the near complete darkness of the barrier until he found a small circular button. The screen lit up a dark buffering blue colour.

"Ah," He blinks, eyes adjusting to the influx of light. the screen blinks back up at him, still calibrating.

"Good," a heavy sigh of relief rattles from inside his chest, nervous hand thrumming through his hair. It works. "Good."

"Hello!" the little figure inside greets him, "Oh, it's you!"

Seto murmurs in agreement, voice halting as a scuttling sound passes above him. His eyes trail where he assumes it to be. 'It' likely being a larger cave spider. His heart still thrums away in his chest as he listens for scuttle of its claws to trail farther and farther away from him. The whole area still felt off kilter with the knowledge of various mobs just beyond the barriers he'd set, even feeling occasional brushes of spider legs against it making him shiver intermittently.

"Where are we today? It's a little late." The autoresponders chipper ding as his text appears onscreen distracts him.

"Underground." He barely percieved the unusual hushed tone of his own voice. The time had passed him by, the adrenaline of getting nearly killed must've kept sleep far from his foremost thoughts

"And you're in need of a little conversation I assume?"

Seto nods, before correcting himself, the autoresponder cant see him.

"And a light." he adds.

The statement was false, of course. Seto could summon his magic at any time to make a light.

The AI easily adapted to his hushed tone and short responses airing out his distress simply by giving him company despite not knowing what situation he was in or where he was at. He wasn't even sure it knew who he was. 'Minimu' (as Jason had dubbed it) aparently couldn't do anything too complex, just basic intake- Jason had told him all about it while he handed over the small device before leaving to hand out the next to jerome and mitch. He appreciates the little device's presence immensely, he'd have to be sure to sing its praises to Jason as soon as he was able to.

The cold of the cobblestone against his back makes his hair stand on end, he's sure his cloak would be drenched without the spells he made the night before. They're probably wearing and fizzling out by now..

Each sound made outside his little hovel still has his heart trembling.

"Where are you right now?" The ping of the responder's message cuts through his thoughts

"Ah," He looks towards his coordinates, watching the numbers flicker by before his eyes lock onto them. The knot in his stomach loosened a little as he considers them, "Only a couple hundred blocks from spawn."

"And how close to your place?"

"Pretty far, but decently close to Brice's." His doors were always open, at least to Seto.

"Great!"

Seto doesn't respond. Moments pass like minutes, he leans his head back and closes his eyes, counting the seconds like a clock. Day would be approaching soon. Could he stay awake long enough to just wait it out? He would likely get attacked by phantoms the moment he hit the surface too, so it might be now or never. He swore under his breath.

The screen flashed, shocking him out of his head. The screen looked back at him, "What is it?"

Caught off guard, he replies "Huh?"

"You seem upset, what's up?"

"Oh, uhm..." He pauses "I'm waiting to muster the strength to find my way out of here. I didn't want to do it alone." The last part comes out quiet. He looks up and away from the screen, eyes catching on each crack in the stone.

"I screwed up this time."

The AI pauses, screen going blank as it intakes his words, each one spelling itself out on the screen like a reflection without ever seeing his face. Talking to the AI is surprisingly refreshing. It's comforting being judged only on his words, not having to coax his expressions or body language out of his natural distrustful manner. He'd bet that Jason accounted for his lack of technological skill while making the auto responding system. The thought made him smile internally. He'd have to ask later about how it works.

"My apologies." Seto looks back to see the words flashing out on its screen, "If I was more able, i'd try to help."

Seto blinks, surprised once again. He didn't know an AI could feel inadequate.

He shakes his head, breathing out a smile. "No,"

"You're just what i needed."

[evan4ever]

Vegas, baby

Part 4 — part 3 here

Warnings: pregnancy, social media

a/n: I tried researching and maybe I’m just not a pro at it but couldn’t find any of Evans personal friends names (feel like it’s that way for a reason or maybe I am just dumb 🤣 so I made up Joe 🤪 and just figured Sarah would be perfect for this situation 🥰) Also, please let me know if I missed any tags and let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list! I’m still learning how to do tumblr so I appreciate the patience and the support 🤍

—

Evan’s POV

His phone was blowing up more than normal, but nothing that caused him to feel the need to look. He didn’t have any social media platforms but he still managed to get notifications regarding things on social media. Mostly texts. He simply checked them and would reply when he had time and lately he’d been very busy so in this particular time, he didn’t.

Evans life seemed so much more unproblematic since ridding himself of social media and that’s what he liked. He was already in so much spotlight that he felt he had no personal time for himself, and that everyone knew everything about him. Sometimes he felt like his life was not his own. It wasn’t that way so much anymore and he planned for it to stay like so.

He had gotten dressed this morning and was drinking a large cup of coffee, sugar and butter added, and he was sat at the large island in his home reading through his mail he’d received that morning. Mostly bills and such that he’d be able to pay from his phone. The outside world was currently dimmed through his ears not paying attention to anything, not even the constant buzzing of his phone, as odd as it was. He was in his own world.

“Peters” Joe walked in. He was a buddy of Evan’s who was visiting and staying with him. Evans eyes flickered up to him and shot him a smile.

“Coffee on the counter if you want some.” Evan stated then got back to reading. Joe stared at him for a moment, Evan hadn’t taken note of Joes shocked face and this only made Joe more nervous. He had read articles that came out this morning, obviously Evan hadn’t considering it was regarding him and some really big allegations. Though Evan caught on to Joe’s lack of movement and looked back up to him. This time he could see the torn look on Joe’s face causing Evan to lower the mail and sit himself upright in his spot.

“You good, buddy?” Evan chucked awkwardly at Joe’s behavior, raising his eyebrows to encourage him to say something.

“Um, yeah.. have you read any news this morning?” Joe questioned curiously, silently hoping Evan already read it and was coping calmly. But seeing Evan shake his head slowly, curiously, Joe sighed and silently cursed himself for being the one to drop this on him. He pulled his phone from his pocket and brought up his twitter feed, scrolling only a second before landing on the trending news article and opening it. He hesitated a moment silently preparing himself for Evan’s reaction, then swiftly handed the phone to Evan all while avoiding Evan’s curious and bit concerned eyes.

Evan slowly took the phone, his eyes still watching Joe before looking down to his screen and reading the name of the article:

‘ Does Evan Peter’s have a child he doesn’t know about? ‘

Evan’s eyes nearly popped out of his head at just the headline, quickly looking up at Joe who still wasn’t looking at him though could sense his eyes on him, “just read it man”.

Evans eyes held themselves on Joe for a moment, then hesitantly lowered back to the article and he began reading it. All he thought the entire time was how could someone take something like this this far? He’s no stranger to fake and false stories airing but this one was too much. Claiming a pregnancy and it making the literal news? That was insanity. He wanted to throw the phone and break a few things, nearly shaking in anger at the lies he was reading. He didn’t recognize any names brought up, even yours. All he knew was that a fan was going above and beyond to get to him and he wasn’t going to stand for it.

Until his eyes landed on the video linked on the bottom of the article. He still didn’t recognize the name of the Tik Tok-er, but he clicked on the video to watch what was said that blew up this much. And that’s when his stomach dropped.

He saw you, the center of attention in the video, your stomach painfully obviously pregnant. He remembered you. And he remembered what the two of you did almost 9 months ago in Vegas. And that’s when everything made sense to him.

He rewatched the video a few times as if rewatching it would change the circumstances, make you not pregnant, make you someone he didn’t know so he could claim that it was in fact a lie. But each time rewatching it just confirmed everything the article had said.

He was about to have a child that he didn’t even know had been conceived.

Evan swallowed hard and finally shakily handed the phone back over to Joe who now was watching him. He was calm, it seemed. The opposite of what Joe had expected, though concerned more at his reaction. “You gotta tell me what’s going on, Peters.”

Evan shook his head at Joes words, his head dropping into his hands that rubbed over his face and rested in them while he nearly silently had a panic attack. He finally stood from the stool roughly, grabbing his phone and pushing past Joe who followed. He had to clear this up. Maybe you slept with someone else after him? Surely he wasn’t the only one. Even though he knew the possibility was real considering he had t slept with anyone since you. But you guys were supposed to keep it at just sex. You both made it very clear you were too busy for a relationship, let alone a fucking baby. He didn’t have time for this.

“Evan, man, what is up? Is it true? Where are you going?” Joe questioned as he followed behind Evan who made it to the front door before turning and looking at Joe to say something but no words coming out. Instead, Evan shook his head and swung his door open only to be met by Sarah (Paulson).

Evan was taken back by her standing in front of him giving her a confused look while she only held one that spoke of sincerity and concern. She was, concerned for her friend. She had read the article and she needed to talk to him herself.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were working.” Evan stated, avoiding the obvious answer that he knew. She only smiled softly to him.

“Can I come in?”

Evan sighed and stepped out of the way allowing her to enter, closing the door and turning half scared to face his reality when she’d get him to admit it. Sarah watched him for a moment, his eyes looking to hers then away, then back before down to the floor. She knew the allegations were true, he just confirmed it for her. Instead of scolding him like he’d been expecting, he was met with her arms pulling him into her into a gentle and sympathetic hug. He blinked a few times before he wrapped his arms around her and broke down.

Sarah rubbed his back as he sobbed into her, soothing her dear friend. It was a hard pill to swallow, she knew that. And he didn’t need a lecture, he needed a friend, a support system, he needed help.

Meanwhile Joe stood aside, confused at what was happening. Did this mean everything he read this morning was true?

“Joe?” Sarah spoke breaking him if his thoughts and looking to her, “would you be a doll and make some tea? Earl grey, add some honey.” She smiled and Joe nodded, turning and leaving them alone.

Finally Sarah pulled back enough to see Evan while he brought himself up and wiped the tears that fell. He felt like a baby, crying in front of his friend. But she understood and he knew he needed to let himself feel this. “Tell me what happened, Evan.”

Sarah’s soft and kind voice reassured Evan and after collecting himself, he sighed loudly. “I met her in Vegas earlier this year. January. She was… I mean come on. She was hot.” He groaned again, violently cursing himself now for not being smarter. “We were drunk. I wasn’t expecting to have sex and one thing led to another. We didn’t have any protection but I… you know.. I pulled out.” He cleared his throat awkwardly at talking about this with Sarah. But he needed to tell someone and he preferred it be her than anyone else. She only nodded and allowed him to continue. “We agreed it meant nothing. Just some drunk fun sex. We didn’t exchange numbers. I didn’t even get her last name, barely remembered her first. I didn’t think she’d get pregnant.”

“Do you know if she’s tried to reach you at all?” Sarah asked and Evan looked down trying to remember if he’d seen anything with her name, but not recalling anything.

“I mean if she did, she was pretty limited in ways to do it.” He realized that must be why he never knew. You quite literally would’ve had no ways to get ahold of him. And that made his heart ache a bit, for you. You’ve been doing this alone. You were probably so angry at him, hence the video and what must be your friends words. They were like an echo in his ear. He made it impossible for anyone who didn’t know him personally to be able to reach him and that made it impossible for you too, and this was important.

Sarah could see the realization in his expression and she knew it was hurting him. But he didn’t know it would happen, he had to protect his mental health and his privacy. He was doing what any celebrity would do by making it hard to reach them. It was the hardest part of the job. The fame and fortune was great, sure, but the amount of people who would go so far to try to get to celebrities was rough. Evan did what he needed.

“It’s okay, Evan. You didn’t know. That’s all there is to it.” Sarah took a deep breath and nodded, “but now you have to face it okay? I’d say probably in person.” She chuckled lightly, rubbing his arms as he stood with them by his side thinking about her words. She was right. But where did you live? That wasn’t exchanged either.

“I have to find her first.” He nodded and she smiled.

“I can help. Come on.” She held her hand on his back and he allowed her to lead them to the kitchen where Joe was still attempting to make tea like Sarah had asked. She shooed him away while he apologized only to be met with a “thank you for trying” and Sarah finishing it while Joe took a seat next to Evan.

“I did a little searching on her myself when I first read the article this morning. I found her Instagram. It’s y/instagram/name. Here.” She handed Evan her phone and allowed him to look you up, finding your profile and clicking on it.

There you were. He studied the images you had shared, so many baby bump pictures. He clicked and scrolled through reading each caption and scrolling more stopping on a selfie. He sighed and smiled lightly at the picture of you. You were so pretty. He was so mad at himself for not just getting over his busy schedule and getting your number. He could’ve made time for you. Especially had he known he got you pregnant. He didn’t mean to neglect what was partially his responsibility. And god, he hoped you’d forgive him.

“Have you messaged her?” He looked up to Sarah who shook her head no, looking back down and sighing. Would you believe it was him if he messaged you from Sarah’s account? Was that the smart thing to do? Or does he fly to wherever you were and come to you? “I don’t know how to go about this.” He sighed again, dropping her phone in the counter and resting his head in his hands again, something he tended to do when he was stressed.

“Would you like me to message her? I can talk to her, figure out how she prefers to? Girl to girl.” Sarah smiled and shrugged, Evan liking the idea. He slid her phone back to her and she picked it up and went straight to your DM, letting her fingers type out what her mind said was best to say.

‘ Hello, y/n. I’m sure this may come as a surprise to you, but I assure you I’m reaching out as a friend. Evan has no social media, as I’m sure you know by now. He’s allowing me to come to you first. We would like to know how you would feel about coming to you. This sort of news is pretty big and it would be best to talk in person. I hope you would agree. Please call me at this number — when you have a chance. I look forward to talking to you! Sarah ‘

Sarah handed the phone back to Evan to allow him to read it and once he approved, she sent the message your way.

“It’ll be good to remember that her phone is probably going crazy right now too, so give it some time. If she doesn’t respond by this afternoon, we’ll have your management reach her. We’ll get ahold of her one way or another, okay?” Evan sighed at the thought of his manager having to reach her. That always seems to make matters worse, seeming more angry on what is his part and he didn’t want it to turn that way for either of you. He wasn’t angry, he was sad and annoyed at the entire situation for sure, but never angry. He wanted to make this as smooth as possible for everyone. But, of course, he wanted to be in his child’s life, and he hoped you would too.

—

Your POV

You could barely keep up with your notifications and your phone ringing like crazy. You were at your wits end, ready to throw your phone in the garbage and take it out. But Shay had come over and helped you through it. It was barely early afternoon and your face was all over social media and it caused your insecurities to grow. It didn’t help that the angry and bitter people were calling you names and pointing out your every flaw. It was overwhelming, to say the least. You couldn’t fight back the tears that finally managed to escape.

“Hey, stop that. Everything will be fine!” Shayla frowned when she saw your state, your head in your hands and the tears dropping from your cheeks. You shook your head not believing a word she was saying.

“This is exactly what I wanted to avoid!” You couldn’t help the glare that you sent her way. You knew she never intended for this to happen but it was her fault and you were angry about it. Shayla quickly looked down at her hands feeling your wrath towards her.

“I know.. I’m really sorry y/n. You know I never wanted to make things go wrong.” She picked at the skin around her nails avoiding your eyes that quickly closed as you took a breath and gathered yourself. Screaming at her would get you nowhere, you knew that much.

“I just don’t know what to do. Like..” you shook your head at your spinning mind, “like nothing feels right, you know? Nothing I say or do will make this right. I should’ve tried harder to reach him. I should’ve never even slept with him.” You chucked your phone with the last sentence, letting your anger get the best of you. You needed to throw something, you needed to be angry. Your phone clashed into your dresser with a loud thud and you groaned at the sound as if it hurt your ears. “I should’ve never slept with him.”

It was silent for a minute while Shayla let you have your moment of anger before walking over cautiously and picking up your phone that was now cracked. She looked at all the notifications, texts and missed calls and scrolled through them. You heard a gasp from her and looked up, seeing her hand over her mouth as she stood wide-eyed at your phone screen.

“God, what now? Another pissed of text? I’ve read them all.” You shook your head and rolled your eyes, letting yourself lay back in your bed as you rubbed your temples waiting for her reply that came quickly.

“Sarah Paulson.” Was all she said. You furrowed your eyebrows and shrugged.

“What about her? Did she post about me?” You scoffed at the thought but didn’t bother looking back to Shayla instead letting your head lay back down on your white comforter.

“No. No not at all!” The excitement in Shay’s voice made you curious, but still remained in your spot. “No y/n here! You have to read this! Seriously. She messaged you!”

“What did she say?” You couldn’t lie, you were worried that it was going to be a nasty message. You weren’t dumb, you knew she and Evan were friends. Why wouldn’t she defend her friend.

“Hereeee! Read it” she shoved the phone to you and stood in front of you at your bedside. You grabbed the phone and groaned, letting your eyes find the beginning and read over each word carefully, and it was honestly a weight that lifted off your chest. You felt like you could breathe again.

“Oh, thank you God” you closed your eyes in relief, hugging your cracked phone to your chest and letting your breathing even itself out. She wants to talk, she wants to meet up. “Wait,” you shot up and looked at Shayla, “what if she just being nice? What if she is helping Evan find a way to take my baby? They can’t do that right?”

“I… I don’t know. Look just, you just have to do it okay? I don’t know Evan but I would hope he’s not that kind of guy. You have to walk in there believing that. But you have to take her up on the help. I think it’s the only.” She nodded, rubbing your arm reassuringly. Your heart was pounding so hard and so fast, terrified at the thoughts that returned. You also hoped Evan wasn’t like that but how could you be sure? You had to be guarded, but you knew Shayla was right. With one last glance at Shayla, you pressed the number she sent in the message and your phone began ringing and you waited nervously for the woman to pick up.

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[4jax4jax]

Beg for it

Sub Ajax Petropolus x Dom reader

Summary: Ajax learns that begging gets him exactly what he wants.

Warnings: M x F, handjob, lots of begging, crying, mild denial.

Word Count: 1.2K

You had to study, and to put it as simply as possible, Ajax was beyond turned on. Whether it was caused by the harsh tone that laced your words when you had scolded him for bothering you, or whether it was his bratty need to be the center of your attention, you didn’t know. 

You shook your head as you felt his needy hands reach out to pull you away from your book. He laid sideways against you as the textbook sat in your lap, it should’ve been him. Soft huffs left his mouth as his hard cock pressed against your thigh. 

“Ajax, what did I tell you? Once I’m finished, you’ll have my attention, alright?” 

It was like he had completely disregarded your words, and he began to grind his painful erection against your leg, moaning into your neck as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. You ignored him the best you could, and continued to study. 

“No.. N-no please. I want you now, need you- please.”

“Give it a rest, love. Only another twenty minutes and I’m yours. Be good and be patient.”

He wanted to listen and be good for you so badly, but his body overrode his rational mind. He shook his head, and licked his swollen lips. 

“I can’t.. I can’t stop. Please pay attention to me, I’ll be so good. Please, please look at me.” He sounded positively breathless as he begged, the thrusting of his hips against you not ceasing nor slowing. 

“Y-You can punish me later for being bad, but please just touch me now. Need it more than anything, please..”  

Tears began to well in his eyes, the stimulation of him rubbing himself against you was nowhere near enough to what he needed. He was helpless without you, and knew the only way he was ever able to cum was by your hands, by your control. 

And right now you seemed less than willing to even look his way. It made him want to start crying, maybe you’d finally spare him a glance, then.  

When he realized you weren’t going to give in, he whimpered and continued his grinding, moaning at the painful friction. He really couldn’t do it without you.

And you sensed his troubles too, you know he was nothing without you. Despite being in control of his own body in a literal sense, you were the only one who knew how to handle him the way he needed. 

You reached a hand out to stroke his cheek, feeling how it had become damp. You weren’t sure when he had started crying, but his eyes rolled into the back of his head and droplets fell at your touch. 

“Can’t get the job done without me, isn’t that right?”. You murmured in a fond, teasing tone. You felt him nod against your hand almost immediately. 

“N-Never, only you know how t-to do it.. You’re so fucking good at it too..” 

You could feel your own arousal leaking out of you and dampening your underwear at his words. The thought of him being helpless without you drove you to bring him to tears. 

Ajax whined and reached across your body to grab the book, and he practically threw it onto the floor. He was frantic and desperate for you and you were taking far too long.

His hands reached out to pull yours against his body, running one hand up to wrap around his neck and the other to palm over his hard cock through his pants. He felt hot and heavy, and even through his pants you could imagine the thick shaft slapping against his stomach or bobbing in front of your face. 

“P-Please just touch me.. please- I-I’ll do anything y-you want, I swear..” 

To his relief, you gave into the temptation and pulled down his garments until he was bare, and what a familiar yet ever so charming sight. His dick was standing proud and hard, despite the defeated and already fucked out look on his face. 

“Fuck- I’m so fucking hard for you, I love you so so much Please touch me.. need it so bad.” 

You spit into your palm, not that he needed any help with lubrication, he was practically creating a second skin for his cock with how much precum was seeping out of him. 

The moment you wrapped your warm hand around his dick, his mouth dropped open and he basically screamed.

“Oh thank you thank you thank you..” 

“You’re so needy, Ajax. You know, I should punish you for running your mouth so much.” 

His eyes rolled into the back of his head when you twisted your wrist harshly and squeezed his sensitive tip. He nodded and licked his lips at the thought of you doing anything to him. 

“Y-Yes! Please please please punish me, I’ve been so fucking bad, haven’t I?” 

You shook your head and reached your free hand down to grab at his balls, squeezing them harshly as a warning for him to start behaving. It proved ineffective, as his hips jolted up and his pleads melted into a loud whimper.

“You want to be punished that badly? Then you can have it..” 

With a swift movement suddenly all the stimulation came to a complete stop. This was not at all what he had in mind when you mentioned punishing him. 

He shook his head frantically and began whining when your movements came to a halt. He lifted his hips in an attempt to chase your hand, to chase the high he desperately needed again. 

“N-No.. Don’t stop, want more, need more. Please please keep going.. W-What do you want? I’ll do anything plea-”

You cut him off when your hand slowly started to move again, sliding his sticky precum against his soaked shaft. You hummed to yourself at his words and observed the way he crumbled under your burning touch.

“Flattery gets you everywhere, Ajax.” 

“You’re so fucking amazing, know exactly how to treat me- how to deal with me.. T-The only o-one too. I belong to you and you only, no one could ever be better than you… Oh fuck- please..” 

Thick, hot tears streamed down his face and rolled down his neck as he cried out praises, just for you. His hands balled into fists and his nails dug into his palm, only adding to the pain. 

The speed of your strokes sped up, and with that, his hips began to thrust up into your hand. His moans grew louder as he fucked the makeshift hole you created just for him. Nothing would beat the warm and wet vice that was your cunt around him that left him absolutely ruined, but beggars can’t be choosers. 

With an intense shudder that wracked through his sweaty body, his poor cock twitched and shot bullets of sticky white release against your hand and his body. His abused vocal chords were far too ruined to make any noise at this point. So he opted for breathless huffs as he continued to orgasm for the next minute. 

For a last effort to torture him, you squeezed his cock at the base and lifted it up the shaft, corraling his release against your hand until you pulled off. Ajax twitched at the feeling but couldn’t bring himself to beg you to stop, after all, you knew what was best for him. 

And patience definitely wasn’t Ajax’s strong suit, but somehow he always ended up getting what he wanted. 

[rinbylin]

lzj ep 21

yeah i enjoyed the first quarter quite a bit but at the same time i've been quite aware it's not objectively tip-top. so indeed the weaknesses have reared its head in the recent few episodes where the story has transitioned into a different kind from its initial fake marriage premise which was not difficult to pull off if you understand the simple mechanisms of it.. otoh i just don't think they dealt with the transition very well, albeit the show still being watchable. then again, its faults are totally not unique to itself. they're extremely common romance drama storytelling problems. so if not for the fondness it had managed to earn earlier on, i would not have even bothered with this post

a thing from this episode that i like(!!) though: as 'better let the truth out and have cxz suffer NOW!!' lobbyist, i admit i failed to consider the other even more delicious possibility which is DENYING HIM THE CATHARSIS OF HONESTY. make him suffer in a whole other dimension yeahhhhh babyyyy. our girl lmt pretty much telling cxz she wants him to keep suffering from not being able to tell her the truth...I SUPPORT YOU QUEEN <3 剪不清理还乱 is a great direction to head into even though atp idk if writers are competent enough to see it through

then there was lmt literally acknowledging what i had on my mind for these couple of episodes: cxz doesn't actually love her - he only knew and love her as lmt the (amnesiac) wife. but as audience we also know the writers are trying to counter that by (1) showing us how ~sincere~ cxz's feelings for lmt are, citing that she has shown him the bliss of a simple life etc etc; (2) having him repeatedly state that lu wen (aka lmt) is his only worthy opponent so to say he and lmt (the real her, not the wife lmt) are intellectual matches. but the most fatal problem is that we have NOT! GOTTEN! TO SEE/UNDERSTAND! WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM AS COMPETING RIVALS!! so far it's merely cxz's side of the story, saying that he has a special feeling for "lu wen". but in what way? how? we know almost next to nothing about what went on between them as rivals - except lmt almost killed him a few years ago. (AND!! lmt hasn't seem to echo his feelings about their special relationship of rivalry??) so it makes point (2) quite an unconvincing case yet. which in turns make their post-amnesia and aka the "real" relationship quite frail.

another fatal issue is that it feels like, to me, that there's no love left in lmt for cxz at this point (the bathtub scene was what drove home the interpretation for me)... there's very minimal portrayal of any struggle, conflicting feelings in her. i think this is one of the way its earlier writing issues manifest as well: it's always quite clear why lmt is so important to cxz beyond their niceties as a married couple. but it's far less defined what cxz meant to lmt as a person. what value does cxz provide to her at a deeper intellectual and emotional level? when she was amnesiac wife lmt, she liked him for being a gentle, understanding guy - which turned out to be a mere persona of huaiyang wang. she stuck with him because he was her husband, but it turned out their marriage is just a ruse. so what is left? it's no wonder she seems to have little affection for him left yet that completely defeats the purpose of a romance drama... and i just don't feel the same joy i felt in earlier episodes whenever they're together at home..

i've come to feel the story would work a lot better if it wasn't a romcom (comedy as in a broad sense) and not tied to an obligation of HE. i don't even want them to end up together romantically. i just want them to get entangled and emotionally torment each other lol (oops sorry what's new of me). and so when the writers made cxz say that whole speech to his mother about how he truly loves lmt and how she has changed his life...and that he doesn't want just a "相见如宾" (ie. cordial) marriage. i felt almost betrayed because bitch (@ the writer / cxz) you owe it precisely to 相见如宾 that i even adored the show in the first place!!! it is thanks to 相见如宾 that your relationship even took off in the first place! in what way do you think its current state is different from it? this is a fake marriage story how dare you say that. :[ ...but again what's new. i've seen these problems from dramas a million times over by now.

one of the reasons why the earlier episodes worked - within the parameters of the fake marriage + identity porn tropes - is that it managed to have the reactions of both leads bounce off each other consistently. what i mean by that is...like in the earliest arc, despite cxz being the mastermind behind the bogus life lmt was living in, lmt was still able to display agency by reacting accordingly to the circumstances around her. she duly suspected cxz and was consequently driving the story - then cxz had to react accordingly and twist around more of the truth. there's a pretty nice push-and-pull between them - which is actually sorely missing ever since a few episodes ago when cxz was moping around coming up with solutions to keep lmt by his side. at that point, lmt totally takes a backseat in the narrative. and now that lmt has regained her memories, cxz is the one who is passively reacting to the occurrences in their relationship (though he's still taking the charge in the politicking plotting stuff). this is also what i meant about the writers dealing with the transition poorly.

these are pretty much the broad strokes of the main problems i'm identifying from the writing especially after ep 21... besides a few of the other pesky things like cxz's mum and yun'er's characters being completely flat stereotypes and are so extra annoying that they're fuelling the problems in the writing of the lead's relationship. (i have lost count the number of times i rolled my eyes when cxz's mum is onscreen... i think a mum character who appears loving but completely insensitive to her son is so interesting and they actually have a fucked up mother/son relationship but it looks like the writers are incapable of actually realising it so.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯