#in my mind without like relative conscious control. do you know what i mean

[literalite]

i would be more expressive about nayef’s situation but there’s things in there idk how well would be received. really

[shadowwolflady]

Hawks Headcanons

Because I hyperfixate, and write, I have compiled a list of what Keigo/Hawks is like in my head. This is so I can reference it back and not keep changing things in the stories. I like consistency.

So, here we go, the list of head canons that I have for my beloved boy.

General

Yes, he has flown into a window. No he will not admit it.

Hawks can’t cook. He is used to microwave meals and quick meals like eggs, pancakes, bacon, ramen, spaghetti, and the like. Hence his love for chicken.

He has collapsed into bed without removing his gear more times than he would care to admit.

He is a bookworm. He loves to read. It’s one of his escapes.

His preferred genre is adventure, action, fantasy. Picture lotr, or noble knights doing good for their kingdom.

He likes to game. I would think Assassins creed, Witcher, LoZ, maybe even pokemon. He's not a hard-core gamer, but he dabbles in it.

He will zone out in a warm shower.

He loves sitting up high and looking at the stars and sky. His favorite place is the Kyushu tower.

He loves peace and quiet. It helps to calm his mind and allows him to think without outside stimuli.

His favorite pastime is allowing his mind to wander.

If he finds anything interesting or that he likes, he will research it to death.

He has RAD, depression, ADHD, hypervigilance, and hyper independence. Most of these are due to the upbringing of the commission. He also has abandonment issues. He hates leaving anything unfinished.

He DOES NOT trust people; this is due to the Commission. He always believes people are two faced. Even if people believe they are close to him, they really aren’t.

He has many layers to him. He is very complex. Most of the layers are barriers meant to keep people out and away.

He is insanely smart, despite acting oblivious.

He catches on quickly. Quick learner.

He has standards and morals, despite being morally grey.

Despite having rigorous training to control his features when emotions hit, some do slip. These micro-movements are specifically his wings and feathers. Puffing up, roosting, sharpening. These will give away his thoughts and feelings while his face is neutral. Only those close to him really notice it.

He has a mouth, and he uses it. It gets him into trouble. His wings and feathers usually get him out of it.

He will shut down and recharge after strenuous missions. This is the time when he likes to be alone and decompress, mostly sleep.

He has a soft spot for animals. He likes cats and dogs. He would love to have one day, but with his changing schedule, it would be hard to keep them. So, he sticks to the strays and the neighbors’ pets.

He would rather deal with kids than adults. Kids are much easier to deal with and honest vs adults who are shady and two-faced.

Despite being a ray of happy sunshine in public, Hawks is actually fairly quiet.

Hawks gets even quieter when tired. And it is noticeable. He doesn’t want to use the energy he has left. He also doesn’t want to say anything he would regret later. His filter is usually less during this time and he may say something that would sound mean when in reality it isn’t.

Despite being fast and quick, he is relatively patient. He doesn’t mind waiting, as long as it is for something he likes.

While praise is nice, from outsiders, it isn’t rewarding. But from someone he knows is genuine, then that is something.

Telling him thank you always makes him smile. Gratitude goes a long way with him.

He has Endeavor merch, but not as much as you think. A couple of t-shirts, a poster, and signed photo, plus a figure or two. But not a whole wall or closet filled.

Hawks is the kind of guy who is self-conscious about his wings. It has always been about his wings and what he can do, never him. He doesn’t like it when people see him and his wings or as his wings. He would rather have someone who can separate the two, and just see him as a human rather than his wings.

He sometimes uses his wings to his advantage and tries to make his personal bubble a little bigger.

His earrings are a sign of rebellion against the commission. Basically, saying you can’t control me or my body to them by doing it.

He would duck out of a massive party any chance he got. Whether it would be saying his partner was tired or phone call or whatever. He gets slightly overstimulated in large crowds, on the count of his wings picking up vibrations constantly, along with his wings also being big and not the best at keeping himself small and unnoticed.

Now for the fun random bits!

Hygiene

He smells like Marble. Beneath ozone and coffee.

He uses 3 in 1 body and shampoo when in a rush. But on days off he actually uses different soap and shampoo.

When in a hurry, he will usually shed his feathers so he can dry faster.

Hairbrush? What's that? He rarely styles his hair or brushes it. Usually one or two swipes with his hand and he's good.

Mint or spearmint toothpaste.

Quick rinse with mouthwash.

Food

He has a sweet tooth. He LOVES sweet coffee.

His go to is always chicken.

He is more of a savory kind of person.

He is a glutton when it comes to the food he loves.

Alcohol

He isn't an alcoholic. He drinks socially. He may have a beer or ale or cider every now and then, but he really doesn't drink. At parties he will have a wine or champagne. If it is a fancier party then a scotch, bourbon, or whiskey. Sometimes he will have a shot of sake.

Work and workplace

He is the kind of guy to give his employees merch as gifts. He will if he really doesn’t know what to get them.

He usually pawns new merch to try on his employees for feedback.

He does get to know his employees.

Sleep

He sleeps on his stomach or side. It is hard to sleep on his back with his wings, but he does sometimes. It is just uncomfortable. And gets wing cramps when he falls asleep with his wings bunched up.

He will sometimes shed most if not all of his feathers to sleep on his back.

His bedding is soft and fluffy. He has multiple pillows. He loves snuggling under his covers and duvet cover.

He is a pillow hugger. He loves his body pillows.

He sleeps in a loose t-shirt and boxers. Usually. He will sometimes go for sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt when it gets colder.

He is a furnace. He radiates heat.

I have more. Let me know if anyone would like the other lists.

This guy lives in my mind rent free... I do have a love/hate relationship with him.

[littlelegoman]

LMK NINJAGO CROSS OVER, BUT IT'S JUST LLOYD AND MK SWITCHING PLACES FOR A WEEK

Tang (possibly Pigsy, too): Wow, that sounds like a lot to go through as a child. And you bodily became 18 when you were 12? I'm so sorry, they shouldn't have done that to you..

Lloyd: Well-- it was to save the city--

Tang: What did that city ever do for you? I mean, your whole life is just one tragedy after another; your mother abandons you, your father is locked away, you get sent to a boarding school to make you evil and you still get bullied there. You're manipulated multiple times by adults, and sure, you tried to do that once to them, but you were a child. They were adults. That's not fair.

Lloyd: It was destiny, I had to because of the prophesy...

Tang: No, you had a choice. You didn't have to do all that, and even if you wanted to, you could've waited till you were mature enough to understand the severity of it. Your uncle trains you-- actually, he forcibly takes you, which legally would happen anyways as your only relative, but the law was never involved, not to mention you were under the impression you'd be hurt.

Tang: It's not your fault either. You were coerced into it. The prophesy never said when you had to defeat your father, right?

Lloyd: Well, I don't entirely remember....

Tang: You needed an adult who wasn't going to use you, and you never got that. You never got a childhood, and that's terrible. I'm so upset that this happened to you because no kid deserves this. I'm not completely okay with MK being the Monkie Kid; I mean, look at all the danger it's put him through - but at least he was an adult, old enough to make his own conscious choice.

Lloyd: I...

Lloyd: Thanks, mom.

Tang: It's no pro-- wait what?

MK: And you have elemental powers?! Oh, that's so cool! I don't have any of those, really. I mean, I can do a lot of things that the Monkey King can do, but I don't think controlling elements was one of them.

Zane: It is awesome, of course, but we have years of years of unpacked trauma.

MK: Same!! :D

Red Son: Your father... was okay with you becoming a hero?

Lloyd: He wasn't the best, but it's not completely his fault. The whole venom and oni thing really messed him up. He knew what he was, and he... deep down, he wanted a safe world for me, and fhst meant a world without him.

Red Son:.... I see.

Lloyd: So, uh, you want to be like your father?

Red Son: Well, of course I do! I'm not some a simple-minded peasant like Noodle Boy or Dragon Girl! My father's legacy is one to behold with pride.

Lloyd:... but?

Red Son, sighing: but my father barely recognizes my greatness; and Noodle Boy and his peasant friends do....

MK: Why is... why.. (MK, trying to talk about Garmadon)

Wu: Ah... My brother and I share Oni and Dragon blood... when he was bitten by The Great Devourer, it caused his blood to turn cold.

MK: Does that mean you can become evil too?

Wu, caught off guard: Oh. I..

Wu, sighing: Yes. That is a possibility. I trained my students the best way I knew how... I.. admit I wasn't the best

MK, smiling brightly: HAHA, yeah, you weren't!

Wu, offended:

MK: Wait-- you ABANDONED your son to an evil school?!

Misako: I-- I did.

MK: Why not send him to a normal school?! Or with Mister Wu?! If you knew he was gonna beat up his dad, wouldn't it have helped if he grew up with morals???

Lloyd: I mean no offense, Sun Wukong, but I don't know why MK still likes you.

Wukong: Honestly, I don't either

[konako]

when talking about a can-kinda-always-turn-werewolf, we assume that strong emotions can make ruby explode into the wolf. if that's so, a scene where someone talks her down from it is mandatory (snow would know what to do)

are you— have you hacked into my— what's happening, i'm just now sketching something along those lines, what the hell??

A thousand percent, though. That's amazing, one of my favorite tropes!! (I have several, they're all from the same emotional source).

If we consider that Red is a trained werewolf (which my headcanon firmly does) — meaning that she can control the wolf and has relative ease accessing the transformation — then that would mean that she technically could (is able and susceptible to—) change at all times of the month. The phases of the moon affect the proficiency with which she does it, and the amount of energy required to trigger it and maintain it. But the transformation would be possible still, whether if it's Wolfstime or not.

The full moon, in that case, would make the wolf’s influence stronger; and the transformation, truly imperative. Irresistible, even for a trained werewolf. Red could fight it off for a bit (enough to finish a conversation~), but without the magical aid of her special cloak, she'd turn sooner or later. Because the Full Moon commands her to. Cool. 👍

👇

What we've got here is The Ideal Time for A Less-Than-Ideal Thing To Happen: for Red to entirely lose her grasp on her transformation triggers, and turn into the wolf, despite her attempt at restrain. 

Being a trained werewolf (that’s severely conscious of the harm she could cause), and depending on the situation at hand, she’d be able to immediately regain control of the wolf, once she’s fully in that form. It’s just that she lost control of the transformation itself, and slipped into the other form. An oopsie, at most! It’s just she raised her voice without meaning to. Like she stepped forward too aggressively. Could happen to anyone....

COULD IT THOUGH— 😈

Explosive, right? Nice word. 

A lot of energy, a sudden burst of contained power, a quick transformation, brutal and all-consuming. An explosive, a bomb that’s difficult to handle. Emotions that overwhelm. Adrenaline that.... huh.... Adrenaline. ✨

It’s easy to get carried away on adrenaline. To get lost in the current of intense emotions, to let one’s judgment be clouded in the heat of the moment. Ruby’s case is only different because, well, being carried by emotions could mean transforming on impulse or instinct, and that could mean giving away more power to the wolf, retaining less for the rational human mind. And even humans, with no wolf half to blame, are prone to being reduced to some primal behaviour once in a while. Right? Sure. 

Ruby’s a chill girl. (If you don’t count the many panic attacks and the almost constant anxiety) But she’s chill in the way that she’s not quick to anger. Which is one of the things that can reduce a human to an animal real quick. But she’s not quick to it, is she? No! 

What she is quick to, is jumping into danger—primarily to protect others. 

So imagine she’s been fighting, or has just got out of a fight, or is about to be in a fight. And it’s a fight worth fighting, of course. Ruby wouldn’t fight it otherwise. It’s for someone else’s sake. It’s to keep someone else safe. Or happy. Or content. It’s important, for a reason. And she’s losing sight of that reason, too focused on the fight itself. It’s a verbal fight, no fists or claws just yet. Heated arguments and some name-calling. A couple dog jokes thrown in that Ruby is pretending not to have heard. But it’s getting more and more heated and Ruby has forgotten why they even started fighting. 

All she knows is that a growing feeling is taking a hold of her entire body. It’s hot — too hot. And it’s prickly and electric and it’s agitating her. And she can hear a rumbling. So low, she can feel it more than hear it. And it’s shaking her very bones. 

The moon is not full, but the wolf has been called to the surface on another phases before. It knows it can come out more often. It’s been allowed to, it’s been urged to. It has fought similar fights before. And it’s getting used to this easy freedom. Getting used to these moments.

So when Ruby loses the grip on her temper, the adrenaline that she so often used to her advantage is now turned against her. And the wolf is taking it as an invitation to burst free. 

But the wolf is not the only one that has grown familiar to those conditions, of that perfect, explosive storm. Not the only one accustomed to the signals that trigger the transformation. 

Snow is, too. 

When Snow lays eyes on Ruby, of short breath, a heavy chest and sharp eyes, she knows what is about to happen, as it happened plenty of times before. And she knows it’s not supposed to happen. Not right now.

So she steps in. 

Into Ruby’s line of sight, cutting her sentence in the middle. A fast and gentle hand to her wrist. Another finding a way to her shoulder. Snow’s eyes search for Ruby’s. Almost golden. No longer the pure green she loves to stare into. 

So close.

Snow breathes out with her, as if commanding Ruby to mimic her rhythm. She says nothing. Snow just breathes. In and out. Slowly. Keeping steady eyes on Ruby, even steadier hands on hers. 

In time, a few twin breaths in, the heat fades down, and the green gradually returns. A last sharp breath lets Ruby’s chest fall. 

“Are you back?” Snow asks. A whisper.

Ruby frowns painfully. 

Half-thankful for Snow’s intervention, half embarrassed that it was even needed. No, she’s entirely embarrassed. She looks down, to their feet, so close together.

“Yeah, I’m back.” She mumbles. “Thank you”

[askcharaandfriends]

Goldy’s Thoughts: The Theory of Memes

(CW Warning: Mention of a TERF.)

Hello, it’s me, Goldy again! Once again sharing my thoughts!

In recent discussion, people have wondered how the stuff we see in genetics works in Monsters, even though their bodies are magical and not physical. I believe I’ve come up with a possible answer.

Get ready for this:

Memes.

You did not misread. My theory is that instead of genes, the building blocks of Magical Life are Memes, or rather, “Memetics.”

Before you start asking/submitting the obvious jokes that come to mind, I don’t mean Internet Memes. When I say “Memes,” I mean the original definition of the word, popularized by noted biologist and TERF Richard Dawkins in his 1976 book, The Selfish Gene.

...Yes, the inventor of the word “Meme” is a TERF. Take a moment to process this horrific truth.

Moving on, Dawkins described Memes as basically being “Ideas that act like Genes.” In other words, abstract stuff that gets passed down through generations. (ie: philosophy, culture, history, science) These ideas are not passed down through Genes, but are instead preserved through records for future generations to learn from. A legacy of abstract ideas.

But what does this have to do with Undertale’s Monsters?

Monsters are made of Magic. In most cases, Magic as we know it are emotions and thoughts made manifest through power. Bullets in Undertale follow this principle, which makes it safe to assume this is the case for Magic in general.

The idea here is that Memes are the Abstract Catalysts which make Monsters out of Magic. In layman’s terms, Monsters are formed based on the Memes brought to life by Magic.

Memetics being a part of the Magic that also forms monsters explains why Monsters are so diverse as opposed to how relatively uniform Humans are, because Memes are ideas, which can be anything, and I mean anything, no matter how fantastical or even impractical.

Here’s an example. Some monsters have internal organs and organ systems, and some of them, contrary to what’s been thought before, might actually use the bathroom on a regular basis. Why? Do they need it? No. Rather, it comes from the IDEA that they need these organs, systems, and to use the bathroom. 

Another example: Does a certain monster have a brain because they need one, or does it come from the IDEA that they need one? Additionally, it also paves the way for monsters to be born with otherwise unnatural features, such as cybernetic limbs and bodies. 

That means any child of Papyrus and Mettaton could be born as a natural cyborg. If I’m right, that is on the table and cannot be ruled out as a possibility.

Some monsters, like mentioned before, also cause interactions with allergies and immune systems. Temmies cause allergic reactions, and there was a discussion just now about Lactose Intolerance. If my theory were to hold true, magic would not be enough to just handwave stuff like that away because the Magic is dependent on the feelings and ideas (memes) that give it form in the first place. If these ideas account for allergies and bodily conditions, then it’s gonna show up in the final result.

But that begs the question: If memes are ideas, doesn’t that mean with the proper magical control, one could therefore exert control over what kinds of monsters are created? My guess would be no, because ideas are not just formed on the conscious level, but also the subconsciousness as well. Some thought processes continue even without conscious thought, and the same principle could be applied to the magical process as well. 

(On a side note, this would also lend a new layer of how the Amalgamates work; not just forms, but also thoughts and feelings being merged together. It likely takes actual conscious effort for them to allow a facsimile of one of their former selves to emerge and communicate individual thoughts.)

In order to fully control what makes a monster, one would require a mind that is in absolute, total control over all thoughts, which isn’t really a level of control that’s heard of or realistic, even for Wizards. Even if it were possible, it would also be reaching into unethical areas of life science, including eugenics. So I would advise not pursuing THAT if you ever decide to use my theory in your works. (Which you absolutely have permission to do!)

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Have a nice day!

[the-sprog]

So since I'm very bad at remembering my ideas, I'm gonna throw this out there and hope one day I'm like "WAIT didn't I have an idea for a fic??? What was it???" And I will find it on my tumblr.

It's about Danny Phantom, obviously.

There are actually two of them in here so:

The easiest one: Jack and Maddie are not stupid. I mean they're scientists, the use the scientific method. One of the things about the scientific method is that if you do a bunch of tests, based on an hypothesis and only one of them comes out disproving it, then your hypothesis is incorrect.

Phantom has disproved basically all of their hypothesis.

So, next thing to do? Create a new one. Do new tests. They take Jazz's suggestion and try and see if the ghosts of Amity are actually conscious. Because obviously they're sentient, but are they like animals? Or are they like robots with artificial intelligence?

Or even better yet, are they like humans?

They grab Phantom's attention and ask him if he would cooperate for this test. A simple Turing test. Obviously they're still wary because of everything that happened with him, and do the test with witnesses to keep both Phantom's and their minds at ease.

He passed the test. With flying colors.

They're shocked and ask him if he knew peaceful ghosts that would be willing to take the test (because, y'know. Scientific method. Need to try over and over again). Phantom would have to explain that not all ghosts are as human-like as him (as, first of all, he's a halfa, but he doesn't say that. And second, lots of them are blobs or animal-like ghosts), but cue his parents meeting Jhonny and Kitty (cause I like the idea that they have a truce with Phantom and that going out of the zone helps them with their couple problems), as well as Shadow (example of a less human-like ghost). Then Sidney, Dora, the Fright Knight (cause king ghost Danny ftw) and Frostbite.

They all pass, more or less. Some, like Dora, the light and Sidney, where given away by their choice of word, but other than that all of them passed the test.

OK SO MORE COMPLEX ONE:

I love crossovers. I love finding ways of putting the two universes together, of making them work with each other, adapting the rules so that they apply to both. (With Danny Phantom it's also really cool to just... Make him travel the multiverse. He doesn't adhere to the rules of where he goes to, so it's always hilarious. But we're not here for that now).

One of the best ones to do this with is My Hero Academia. Whenever a show has someone with powers I end up asking myself "how should that work in the world of my hero?" And start trying to incorporate it in the lore.

So, first thing first, we're getting rid of the canon story of my hero. Completely unrelated to the show. This takes place decades in the past, when the first people where developing quirks (so if I wanted to write something with this and actually use my hero characters, I'd make it so that they where hit with a time traveling quirk or that Clockwork was somehow involved).

The Fenton's hatred for ghosts? Make it discrimination against the people who have quirks.

Danny being half-ghost? His quirk's fault. He calls it Ghost, for simplicity, it allows him to come back as a sort of ghost-like creature after he dies. Somehow, one day, he doesn't die completely so his body fixes it the only way it know how. Making him partially ghost.

Obviously that would mean that all the ghosts he fights aren't ghosts anymore. They're villains with quirks, and their powers would be based on what they can do on the show, minus the basic intangibility, invisibility and flight.

Obviously only Sam and Tucker would know he was Phantom and he had a quirk, he's also kinda the only one in town with one. People would be a little racist against quirk havers, but the kids, like in the show, come around to it. And actually start loving Phantom and thinking of him as a hero.

How do I fit Vlad in all of this? Ehm ahhhh this is the one thing I didn't think about. Very basic, but could give him a power similar to Danny, were instead of a ghost, he becomes a vampire. But his quirk is caused by an accident in college, so it's artificial.

Why does Skulker (who doesn't have a quirk. He's just a guy in a suit) hunt Danny? He has a very unique quirk.

Does Dani exist? I mean. Yeah. Cloning is not so farfetched, especially with the existence of quirks.

Clockwork can control time, he involuntary does that being a child, then an adult then an old man thing. The Observants are people without quirks that keep him in check, an organization that made a pact with him to stay young forever or something in change of idk what. No idea what Clockwork would get out of it I won't lie. Money maybe? Or somehow they found a way of keeping him there against his will?

Walker (and I'll make a seperate post about this) is an ex guy in white. Yes they still exist, but they hunt quirk havers instead of paranormal stuff. Walker was kicked out because he actually has a quirk but lied about it. He's after his own kind in the show as well. I mean, he's a stickler to the rules, but he only ever seems to care when it's ghosts that brake them. Correct me if I'm wrong, but never has he punished a human. His quirk is making semi-sentient minions. They're not copies of himself. They're like clay humans with basic forms. They all look alike and have no special characteristics.

Frostbite is just... A yeti. With cryokenisis. It's a mutation type quirk.

Same goes for Wulf, he's just a humanoid wolf that can create teleportation portals. I can't think of a reason why he would only speak Esperanto though. It could be something similar to Five from umbrella academy. He accidentally got stuck in the 1600 as a kid and managed to come back only relatively recently.

I feel like all the other ghosts have obvious powers.

Cujo can become ginormous,

Technus can control technology,

Dora and Aragon can become dragons,

Jhonny gives people bad luck and can control his shadow,

Kitty can make man disappear,

Ember can mind control using music,

Spectra can use people's negative emotions to stay young,

Bernard has shapeshifting,

Youngblood can't be seen by adults (side effect: can't grow old) and his sideckick has a variant of shapeshifting where he can only transform in animals. A definitive father figure),

Box ghost can control boxes,

Pandora can control the plagues of the world,

Desiré can make people's wishes come true,

Sidney can swap bodies with people,

Undergrowth can control plants,

Pariah Dark- I... Actually don't know...

Lunch Lady can control food,

Aaaanndddd no more come to mind.

I want to do something with this AU but I can't really think of an interesting story, other than "kids from 1A get misplaced in time and Danny has to help, discovering the existence of Clockwork and the Observants, whom he hates. So he tries to get Clockwork out of there with the other kid's help" but that's it, really.

I actually have a 3rd idea, but it basically works the same as the MHA one. Crossover with the X-Men.

Substitute quirk havers with mutants and quirks with mutations and you get the idea.

The plot would be more of a "Danny gets recruited by Xavier after the trauma of almost dying activated his mutation and goes to live at the mansion. This happens after the events of season 3, alla salted to make sense in the world of Marvel, but without Phantom planet. He makes friends there, since Sam and Tucker aren't with him and everything is fine and dandy and happy. Until it comes out that the Fentons actually contribute to the creation of the Sentinels, because they hate Phantom that much.

So Danny has to infiltrate his own family to get info on how the Sentinels work so they can destroy them, since his parents are still oblivious and they made it so that the Sentinels wouldn't attack Danny thinking that his accident just somehow make him register as a mutant on machinery" and that's it.

[floralovebot]

Helia and Tecna friendship headcanons? -lambofzenith

AHHHHHHHHHH okay so

helia is really bad at technology right? pretty much anything that isn't covered in red fountain lessons, he's a complete no-go at. tecna takes it upon herself to try and help him understand basic technology a bit more and it goes so wrong. helia is literally the mom that squints their eyes and holds their phone away from their face while using One pointer finger to type everything. tecna hates it so much.

helia naturally doesn't understand a single thing that comes out of her mouth when she's talking technology but he still supports her nonetheless

helia is surprisingly rational most of the time! he's a firm Push All My Emotions Down And Then One Day I'll Die kind of person so even during really stressful missions, he's good at keeping a level head about things. tecna really appreciates this and it's not rare to see her, helia, and timmy discussing mission-related strategies During The Middle Of A Fight

tecna has a tendency to talk while she works (only noticeable around people she's comfortable with though) but she gets a little self-conscious about it. she knows it's not Bad or anything, but it doesn't seem Right either so she tries to keep quiet most of the time. helia on the other hand is so used to working while it's noisy that he's totally chill with it. they've gotten used to just vibing in the same room, working on their own things, and not actually talking to each other during it. they're comfortable around each other :) helia doesn't mind when she rambles out loud and tecna doesn't mind him pacing around the room every five minutes. symbiotic relationship.

tecna doesn't like talking about what she went through in the omega dimension, even with timmy. however, she does occasionally draw things out when she really needs to vent and can't think of any other way how. she's always been good at sketching due to her background in designing gadgets so this wasn't a weird transition for her. helia told her about this anonymous place for artists to submit their art with absolutely no names attached and after checking to make sure it was legit and she was completely safe, she started to submit one or two a year. she doesn't like to do it often but it does help to sort of "get it out" without actually talking about it.

while helia is notoriously Bad at video games, he does actually like the more "physical reality" ones (think that virtual reality tecmy scene!) mainly because it feels close enough to real life that he doesn't need to rely on just technology to do it. tecna and helia often have very competitive gaming matches but specifically within those kinds of games otherwise, he's really bad at it and she gets annoyed that he can't remember any of the buttons.

speaking of competitions, helia has an inner bet going on of How Much Can I Pretend To Not Know Jackshit About A Specific Technological Topic Before Tecna Notices. what he doesn't know, is that tecna knows he does this and has her own inner bet of How Long Can I Explain This Specific Topic Before Helia Gets Bored And Moves On. so far, the score is mostly even, with helia only winning because timmy isn't aware of this mental battle and will often jump in to explain things too. helia is very smug about this and tecna can't say anything to timmy otherwise she loses the fight that no one actually set firm rules on.

timmy is just really happy that his two best friends are also friends and sometimes he tries to invite helia and flora on their dates. tecna is okay with this only because she thinks it's funny. florelia were also okay with it but started to not be because they realized that their version of a date and tecmy's version of a date was extremely different. they've started to come up with increasingly ridiculous excuses for why they can't go and so far timmy is the only one that hasn't noticed. poor timmy, he genuinely thinks flora's best friend cactus is sick and needs care 😔

when timmy isn't available, helia will call tecna for any technology related issues he's having. on one hand, she likes that he trusts her and can rely on her, on the other hand, she's told him ten separate times not to leave his computer running all the damn time. (tecna: please turn the computer off when you're not using it. this will immensely help solve all of the problems you've been having. helia: okay so i'm gonna leave it on all the time?). he's not trying to be difficult though. he just forgets everything and assumes it should work regardless (he a little stupit).

roxy gets so much gender envy from both of them and it confuses her all the time. they have no idea what a gender envy is though and they're mostly just wondering how they stop giving it to roxy since it seems like it agitates her??? help please???? researching the matter doesn't help and it ends up becoming a meme on winx stan twt because tecna made a very official and serious post asking about the severity of "gender envy" and needing to know how contagious it is. now whenever either of them posts, earth teens just comment gender envy at them. helia still doesn't know what it means.

they don't watch movies/tv together but they will binge-watch the same shows and then talk about them later on. tecna's formatting is still very formal and functional meanwhile helia bounces off multiple points and forgets to make a conclusion. he stresses her out so much.

helia notices when tecna has stayed up too long for too many nights and will occasionally send her a "please sleep" message when he knows timmy is already asleep and can't do it. she doesn't always listen but sometimes she will, but not before sending the same message back because why the fuck is he up at this hour huh dumbass?????

tecna has a pet bird and helia has multiple cats and they absolutely cannot be in the same room together. her bird is constantly trying to fight his cats and while they're usually well behaved, he's genuinely scared they're gonna try to eat it (tecna: stop calling my bird an "it"; helia: stop putting your bird near my cats 😐)

they actually don't like hanging out when one of them is upset. they both have a hard time talking about their emotions (for different reasons obviously) and they always end up feeling like they have to say something when they're together. they just really prefer hanging when they're both in a good mood or at least calm. whenever one of them gets upset, they stop hanging out together until that person feels better.

connected to the last point, you'd think that would mean they don't know a lot about each other, but they surprisingly do! they're both relatively observant people (tecna gets better every year) and they're actually really good at figuring out why the other is upset and what would help. they just don't talk about it.

although, on a similar note, the one time they did have an emotional talk, it was about timmy. tecna was feeling upset again and worrying over whether or not she's "too logical/not emotional enough" and it was the one time where she actually allowed herself to hang out with him while being upset. they had a genuine heart to heart about things and especially about how she's way too hard on herself. they thought it would be awkward since they actively avoided this kind of thing but it wasn't! it went very naturally and helia even teared up a bit. he's very proud of her and the effort she makes every day and since that talk has been much more vocal about it.

when they went to earth in s4, they both spent way too much time learning about Earth Things; tecna about earth media (canon), and helia about animals since that's what flora was talking about. he started calling tecna "chip" after that because chipmunks reminded him of her. she disagrees with this assessment and he refuses to admit he mixed up chipmunks and squirrels. he still calls her chip to this day, and fortunately, it's grown on her. unfortunately, he calls timmy "chip" too, and now it's a hassle to figure out who he's talking to.

helia is surprisingly interested in zenith technology despite not understanding it all! he enjoys walking through the streets of zenith with tecna while she proudly points things out so he can go "ooo aaa" at everything. sometimes she tries to explain how things work and his mind starts playing elevator music automatically. tecna has gotten really good at knowing when helia is just. brain empty no thoughts because she recognizes the Empty look in his eyes. she enjoys catching it live and trying to figure out why he's just. not thinking (usually it's because he either doesn't understand something or got bored) (this happens often when sky starts talking) (sorry sky)

tecna is one of the winx (besides flora of course) that helia trusts the most. not in an emotional or friend way, but in a physical, we're on a mission way. she has good control of her magic and knows how to use it. she's good at thinking of strategies and applying them properly to the situation. and after the omega dimension, he had a newfound respect for her previously unknown to him survival skills. if he were even in severe danger, she would be the first winx he'd call (depending on the situation, she is occasionally ahead of flora).

helia is really bad at sharing details. he tends to go straight to the conclusion but doesn't share how he got there (adhd king 😌) and tecna is the best person to call in when this happens. her logical questioning makes it seem so easy because she has the patience and knowledge to connect the dots and ask the right questions. when anyone else tries its more like (helia: i'm sitting in a pool of blood; person: uhm do you know where it's coming from?; helia: probably the stab wound; someone: did you get stabbed??; helia: oh yeah definitely.)

[vanserraseris]

END OF PART X - Eris is super ooc in this part, idk what happened. Just a warning that there are mentions of abuse. Thanks for reading!

honestly idt hes that ooc! you’re j really good at writing him :)

Prince of Ashes. Part X.

masterlist.

“I don’t like it when you look at me like that.” 

Micah’s frown deepened, “Like what?” 

“Like you pity me,” Eris snapped. 

He was sitting on the edge of his bed, the laces of his shirt undone, boots off. Micah sat beside him, had followed him when Eris had stormed away into his room. He was all too conscious of the bruises on his neck, and even if they would be gone by morning, they were still there now.

“I have never pitied you,” Micah said, “I have only ever worried for you.” His pale, scar-flecked fingers moved the fabric of Eris’s shirt, traced the bruised skin by the hollow of Eris’s throat. Micah was perhaps the only person Eris let touch him like that - carelessly. 

“Don’t bother,” Eris waved a hand, “You have enough to worry about.” Eris tilted his head to the side, baring his throat to Micah in a show of trust. “And they look worse than they feel.”

“They look painful,” Micah mumbled, turning his hand so that his knuckles gently grazed the bruises. 

“They are painful,” Eris answered honestly, “Just not as painful as they look.”

Micah moved, leaned back, taking his hand away so that it rested on the sheets between them, their fingers nearly touching. “What happened?” Emerald green eyes holding Eris’s gaze, almost a challenge for Eris to tell him nothing.

When Lagos and Widge had been there earlier that evening, Eris had neglected to mention that he’d nearly been strangled by his father - it was nothing new and Eris didn’t like it when they fussed over him. Micah had stayed behind when the others had left, he’d always seemed to know when something was wrong. And Eris had never seemed capable of keeping the truth from Micah if he asked for it.

Eris ran a hand through his hair, sighing before he started. “I feel like he’s gotten worse.” Eris saw the anger briefly flash in Micah’s eyes before he nodded for Eris to go on. “More punishments, harsher punishments,” Eris shook his head, he hated admitting any sort of weakness to anyone, but Micah had always been an exception. “You should see the way he treats my mother lately.”

“I’m guessing that’s why you have those bruises.”

Micah lifted his chin, the gold of his tattoos catching Eris’s attention. Eris remembered how he would trace those elegant lines, fingers feather-light, how he hadn’t done so in over two centuries. If Beron had ever learned of what Eris had done with Micah during his time at the war camp, his father might have killed them both. Eris was glad that they could still be friends despite it, despite Eris ending it between them in no uncertain terms. He didn’t know what he’d do without Micah.

Eris nodded, eyes still on Micah’s tattoos. If he stared at the beautiful golden leaves, looked at something so familiar, maybe he wouldn’t fall apart. “He threw a chair at her in the middle of dinner, didn’t hit her, but even Cato got involved.” Eris hadn’t heard what his mother had said to the High Lord, had only heard his father shout at her to be quiet before he’d gotten violent. “Protecting our mother seems to be the only thing we can agree on.”

Micah’s brows furrowed, “Can you think of any reason for the sudden change in your father’s behaviour?” Micah had told Eris once that when he was facing a problem, he tried looking for its root. Eris had taken that advice to heart and always attempted to do the same. Eris had spent quite a bit of time lately thinking about why his father might be acting differently.

“I think he knows,” Eris admitted, “About Lucien, about Helion, maybe, I’m unsure.” Lucien had looked enough like their mother that no one ever questioned he wasn’t Beron’s. “He doesn’t look like the rest of us, not really, not anymore, and Beron isn’t an idiot.” Eris knew he was rambling, but Micah’s expression told him that he didn’t mind, that he was still listening. “He looked more like us when he was younger, but he’s changed so much, my mother is afraid, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Eris—” 

“This was ridiculous,” Eris continued, “Thinking Beron wouldn’t be able to see Lucien was different, his magic is so fucking weak compared to ours, he’s practically looking for an excuse to get rid of him, Micah, it was only a matter of time before he was certain.” He fisted his hands in the sheets, “He knows, he has to.” Eris felt like the walls of his bedroom were closing in around him. “I told my mother I’d protect him, I can’t even protect her, and that oath keeps me up at night.”

“Eris, you’re going to set your sheets on fire.” 

Eris took a deep breath, unclenching his fists, controlling his flames. “Move back,” Eris snarled. 

Micah sounded so certain, so confident, as he spoke. “You’re not going to burn me.” 

Eris didn’t want to take the chance, so he just repeated himself, voice low as he enunciated each word. “Move back.”

Eris was glad when Micah shifted away from him. “Beron isn’t going to hurt Lucien, not now. Killing your mother, killing Lucien, is practically an admission that he can’t control the members of his household,” Eris could see the logic in Micah’s argument. “If he can’t control his wife, how can he be expected to control an entire court?” 

“That makes sense,” Eris took another deep breath, closing his eyes.

Beron wanted to control everything, Eris wasn’t very fond of events that were out of his control either - just one of the many things that made Eris think that perhaps he and his father were more alike than he wanted to admit. “That makes a whole lot of sense.” 

“Of course it does,” Micah assured him. “And you can’t keep putting all this pressure on yourself to make sure nothing bad will happen, you’re not a seer and you can’t control your father’s actions no matter how much you would like to.”

“I would like for him to be dead.” Eris wondered if perhaps he shouldn’t just challenge his father to a duel. Of course, the last time Eris had fought his father, he’d almost been killed by him. 

“You and nearly all of Autumn,” Micah said, “That doesn’t mean you should do anything stupid.” 

Eris lazily opened one eye to look at him, “I’m convinced you can read minds.”

Micah huffed a laugh, “I wish, would make my life a whole lot easier.”

Eris opened his other eye, feeling quite a lot better than before. He was about to thank Micah for listening, for helping, when Micah ran a hand through his shoulder-length hair. “I should get going and you should get some sleep, the Mother knows you don’t get enough.” Eris watched Micah carefully as he went to stand, as the muscles of his broad shoulders moved beneath the thin fabric of his shirt, as he turned away.

Eris didn’t know why he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper as he asked, “Micah?” Eris didn’t like how he sounded - uncertain - but Micah had already paused, waiting for Eris to continue. “You don’t have to go.” The look of surprise on his face, brows raised and jaw slack, had Eris speaking again, “You can go, if you’d like to, though, I just thought maybe it was late.” He felt his ears heat and cursed himself, this was one of his best friends.

Micah’s surprise disappeared as he flashed Eris a smile, kicking off his boots. “Are you asking me to stay the night?” 

Eris rolled his eyes, “Wouldn’t be the first time.” Micah had always let Eris make the first move, had never pushed him into doing anything he hadn’t been ready for. Micah seemed more than happy to get comfortable in Eris’s bed, placing a gentle hand on Eris’s shoulder, pulling him over so that they were lying down next to each other - facing each other.

Micah moved the sheets over himself as he laid down on his side, muttering, “Who needs this many pillows?” 

“I do,” Eris mumbled, lying down on his stomach, face turned so that he could look at the other male in his bed. Micah had always thought Eris had more pillows than he needed. “Doesn’t this bring back memories?” Eris didn’t even have to lift a finger for all the lights in the room to go off.

Micah snorted, “Memories of you being an insufferable prick. Cauldron, I had thought you were so arrogant.” Eris being shoved into the general’s tent on his first day at the war camp had bothered them both, had led to their first fight. Micah had clawed his way into that position, Eris was handed the title of commander on a shining silver platter. It was mostly Eris’s fault that they hadn’t gotten along, had argued about nearly everything.

“Yes, but at least I was nice to look at.” Eris closed his eyes just as they’d finally adjusted to the dark. Micah hummed his response, taking a deep breath. Eris was pretty sure he’d closed his eyes now as well. He listened to every one of Micah’s breaths, took comfort in his familiar scent. Eris was feeling remarkably pathetic for asking him to stay, for letting him know that he didn’t want to be alone.

Once Micah and Eris had gotten past their initial hostility towards each other, Micah had only ever been kind and patient and gentle - it had taken some time for Eris to get used to that sort of thing. It was very easy for Eris to forget that Micah was one of the best generals in all of Prythian. Eris often found himself wondering if it was easy for Micah to forget that he was not only the heir to the Autumn Court, but that he was a male with one of the worst reputations in all of Prythian.

“Something else is bothering you,” Micah murmured, “You don’t have to tell me what it is, just know you haven’t fooled me into thinking that you’re alright.” 

Eris debated whether or not he should tell him what was on his mind. He felt as though he’d told Micah enough for one night, but he was relatively selfish and sometimes he needed confirmation that he wasn’t absolutely dreadful to be around. “Am I difficult?” Eris mumbled, opening his eyes.

It took Micah a moment to respond. “Yes, I suppose you are.” Micah flashed Eris one of his warm smiles, green eyes bright with amusement, so at odds with the words coming from his mouth, “You’re probably one of the most difficult people I’ve ever met.” 

“That’s good to know,” Eris frowned, if Micah couldn’t see him in the dark of the room, he could definitely sense that Eris wasn’t too pleased with that response.

“I've never lied to you, Eris, I’m not going to start now.” Micah lifted his hand, moving a strand of blood-red hair that had fallen over Eris’s face. For a moment, Eris had thought Micah was going to rest his large hand against Eris’s cheek. 

“I didn’t know you disliked me.” Eris hated to admit that he was hurt by it, hated to admit that he’d given much thought as to why his friends remained by his side. He often wondered if he wasn’t their prince, whether they’d still care about him.

“I didn’t say that,” Micah raised one of his eyebrows, “You’re always jumping to conclusions.” 

“I’m not,” Eris defended. 

“You always think you’re right.” 

“That’s because I usually am.” Eris was regretting having asked Micah to stay. 

“You’re still rather arrogant and rude and not very nice.” 

Eris was glad Micah couldn’t see the flush he was sure was on his cheeks. “Micah—”

“Getting you to admit something is troubling you is like pulling teeth.”

“Why are we friends, then?” Eris scowled.

“You’re my best friend.”

“I’m confused,” Eris muttered.

“You’re also caring and reliable and you experience brief bouts of kindness. It used to surprise me, you know, how kind you could be.” When Eris didn’t respond, Micah continued, “Just know there’s a distinction between nice and kind, I don’t think you’ll ever be very nice.” Eris hadn’t been expecting Micah to say something like that. “Yes, I think you’re difficult, I also think you’re worth it.” Micah placed his hand, palm up, in the space between them. 

“Oh,” Eris looked at Micah’s hand, at all the small scars on it. Eris remembered how Micah would place his hand, palm up, next to their heads when they’d slept on the same bed, or on the same sleeping roll, or on the ground. Eris had liked his space, still liked it, but he had liked holding Micah’s hand even more.

Eris was glad that Micah had liked holding his hand as well. They’d held hands like that, foreheads touching and legs tangled, before they fell asleep for the entire decade they’d been lovers. Eris looked at Micah’s hand now, tentatively lacing his long, slender fingers with Micah’s. For whatever reason, it felt intimate, it felt safe. Micah flashed Eris a shy smile, Eris couldn’t help but do the same.

Micah tightened his hold on Eris’s hand, his thumb moving against Eris’s as he shifted just a little closer, eyes closed, their foreheads almost touching. “Goodnight, Eris.” Eris had always envied Micah for how easily he could fall asleep, his breathing already having slowed. 

“Thank you, Micah,” Eris murmured, not even sure if he’d been heard. It didn’t take long after Eris closed his eyes, fingers still laced with Micah’s, for him to drift off into a dreamless sleep.

[bondsmagii]

anonymous submitted:

Let's talk about sleep paralysis! I have some wild theories, feel free to believe them or not, but this has been my gatherings after over 15 years of experiences. So - after years of Slffering from it, I've slowly learned how to control my sleep paralysis. I can morph them into cool/interesting incidences now, and have even begun using it as a jumpoff for lucid dreaming. (Disclaimer: Not reccomended if you can't control it yet, please don't try to induce SP unleash you're TOTALLY prepared for it. I don't want anybody to get hurt. And still, I cannot guarantee my own results. This took YEARS of practice.) Anyway, I've found that if you're able to force one small body part to move or jerk your head (repeatedly til it works), you can break out of patalysis at will. It takes some high focus, and becoming conscious of your physical body vs your sleeping self. You CAN move, it's just difficult. Jerk your head, snap your eyes open, or set an alarm if this planned. You'll feel intense heaviness upon waking and a strange desire to fall right back to sleep, but you'll need to sit up straight and fully wake yourself up to end it, otherwise you'll just resume it as soon as you fall asleep again. There's probably a reason for that, actually. What I may have learned through these trials is that sleep paralysis might just be the nightly beginning of the sleep cycle that we aren't meant to be conscious for. Let me run my theory by you. There was a point in my life where sleep paralysis would occur every single time I slept. Every night, it'd start with a buzzing hum that I'd kind of "melt" into, like tinnitus slowly washing over til it's all you can hear. And suddenly, I can't move. Horrific entities bearing down on me.I don't need to go into detail, you've been there. I didn't understand why, until I slowly realized I'd been conscious of the entire business of falling asleep - and that it was a several-step process. Body falls asleep first, mind follows. That's why most people don't remember the act of falling asleep and just seem to become conscious in dreams once they've already begun without you. You're paralyzed because your body is dreaming and you aren't supposed to be conscious yet. It's perhaps a REM stage that's supposed to be painless, nothing. I tested this theory by forcing myself to be calm through my nightly episodes. They would happen regardless, so I may as well try to make them less horrific, right? I would slow my heart rate using breathing exercises. I observed what was happening rather than panicking, and noticed that crushing weight on my chest slowly shift into this peaceful, almost pleasant sinking-down feeling. Like heavy water pulling you down, like a cool blanket of static coccooning around you. And sink down I did - right through this strange buzzing dark haze and directly into dreams. Most of them starting lucid. I was completely conscious of them, sometimed even seeing the dream world "load in" and fill in textures and buildings and skyline. It was surreal. I tested this over and over, and every time got the same result. If I "survived" the paralysis and just calmed, I'd drop into dreams. Sometimes I'd litrrally feel myself sink into my bed, going "below" consciousness. Soon I mapped out the enitirety of the process. Waking, pre-sleep imaginings, those imaginings getting surreal as my brain drifted, static hum overtaking, the ordeal of paralysis, and then I'd sink into what I began calling "The Platform". It was this shifting midpoint between dream-awake where it'd allow me to choose my own dreams. Sometimes I'd see dreams floating movie-like in bubbles at the edge of a void, sometimes I'd see a hall of doors, sometimes I'd literally land on a platform and build dreams from nothing, sometimes I'd fall straight through the void and start the dream flying. Now, as an aside, I am someone who experiences chronic nightmares. Almost all of my dreams have some "horror" element to them, to the point where I've learned to forcibly wake myself up by snapping my "real" physically eyes open. Now I'm overall

able to exert control over them, and overall more conscious of the state of dreaming. I can enjoy them like first-person horror movies and nope the hell out when shit gets too Sideways. The only ones that get me bad now are ones that feel real enough to hurt (real world fears like loved oned dying) ordered ones that deal with a specific phobia that makes me lose my shit. A lot of the method seems to do with "feeling" your real body outside of the dream and understanding that your dream/metaphysical(?) self is a separate entity. I wish I could describe how to do that better - its sort of how you center your body during grounding excersises. Forcing myself awake from nightmares and yanking myself out of sleep paralysis feel extremely similar. I've given myself a sort of Eject Button. Anyhow - I began talking to my SP entities and exerting some gentle control over the whole scene. Changing the power dynamic, de-escalating scary situations by joking with the entities, standing up for myself or catching them off guard. I still get terrifying incidents where I'm attacked or forced to view esoteric horrors, but, well.. I'm a horror movie fan. Sometimes creepy imagery is cool and enjoyable, and now I can cut it off if I want to. I'll even sass them if they get rude. I think I differ in beliefs with you in that I do believe that SP has a spiritual aspect (the same way that dreams do), but I recognize the psychological element as well. I think they go hand in hand, and in finding this I've been able to turn something that was deeply traumatizing into something pretty neat. Thanks for listening, friend. I'm sure this is long and rambling, but I felt like I needed to tell someone, and you seemed like the right person to tell. Be well, I hope you have pleasant dreams, or at least that your nightmares are very cool.

this is actually very impressive, because yeah. this is exactly how and why sleep paralysis happens! I always find it interesting when people arrive at a theory through their own investigation, and it adds up with official findings -- if the time and the place had been a little different, you would have been the person to pioneer the theory! but essentially yes, this is precisely why it happens and why it can be used as a platform for lucid dreaming. when you sleep, your body enters a natural state of paralysis to ensure that you don't injure yourself while sleeping. sometimes this goes wrong, but the usual failure is seen in sleepwalking -- the paralysis stops, the body wakes, the mind does not, and the person wanders around acting out their dreams or perhaps going about their usual morning routine on autopilot.

sometimes, though, it's the other way around. your brain is still awake, but your body is asleep. your dreams translate as vivid hallucinations, you can't move because of the natural paralysis (and this feeling translates itself as a heaviness, especially on the chest, resulting in the all-too-common description sleep paralysis has become known for: the feeling of something sitting or pressing on your chest) and the feeling of dread is likely because of the realisation somewhere deep down that something is very wrong; that you're not supposed to be experiencing this. some people theorise that's why sleep paralysis is overwhelmingly a terrifying event -- rarely do you hear stories of pleasant hallucinations, and this is likely because of the fact we're terrified on some level, aware that something is very unusual. combine this with the fact that sleep paralysis happens to most people only rarely -- once or twice in their lives -- and it's clear that many people don't have the opportunity to understand what happened and become familiar with it.

you're also correct in your observation that moving a small part of the body can snap you out of it. generally it's better to focus on a small part -- moving all of you is too much, but focusing on a small part like a finger or toe is much more effective. it takes a lot of effort, but the effect on the paralysis is instantaneous. the dread and the heavy feeling may take a while to pass, though. another trick to minimise how unpleasant sleep paralysis is is to keep your eyes closed. you can still sense things, and some people might hear things, but overwhelmingly the worst hallucinations are visual. keeping your eyes closed means you at least don't have to see what's crawling up your bed!

I'm like you in the way that I enjoy horror, and I also find sleep paralysis fascinating. now that I know what it is and how to get out of it, I very often just let it run its course -- at least until things get too repetitive or spooky, and then I snap myself out of it. it's absolutely incredible to see what tricks the human mind can play. the hallucinations are so incredibly real, and it's a brilliant opportunity to observe while being in no real danger. only a couple of times have I come across something genuinely paranormal during a sleep paralysis episode -- or what I thought was one, anyway. thankfully it doesn't mimic it exactly, so I can continue to enjoy watching the wild shit my brain comes up with in relative peace.

[hobiwonder]

Adventures of a closeted exhibitionist | 01 (m)

Pairing: hoseok x reader, f2l (future)

Genre: do i ever write anything other than smut

Words: 3k

Warnings: exhibitionism lol, hoseok is a FREAK freak, oral (f receiving), dirty talk.

Summary: where hoseok explores with his bff. i hope u like it pls validate me. 

a/n: this is an idea I pitched to @parkmuse​ and she n i were going to collab but then she got a cat and DITCHED ME (jeepers is v cute ngl). so instead of a full length one shot, im gunna make this a series. like a small one lol. this is unedited beyond microsoft putting the annoying red lines to tell me im illiterate. 

~~

It was roughly 9pm. Despite it being a Friday night, there were a fair few people still drifting about in the 24 hour library. This time of the semester being closer to the exam time you guess this isn’t such an atypical incidence. What was rare though, was you being here. On a Friday night. Where you’re usually getting shit-faced with your friends at Park Jimin’s weekly parties. Not here with your best friend Hoseok – who frequented the place more than you, actually – about to have sex with him. Yup. You heard right.

“Can you walk faster y/n? We’ll lose our spot!” His hurried whisper didn’t do much to mask and the nervous tremble in his voice. It was obvious your best friend wasn’t very adventurous and thus here you were, helping him out.

Slightly regretting your decision. This place was more crowded than you thought. You run forward to catch up with Hoseok’s long legs that kept weaving through the massive bookshelves with ease. Whereas if you were here by yourself – you’d certainly be lost.

“We won’t with the speed you are walking. Slow down, Hoseok.” Grumbling under your breath as you see no sign of him stopping to let you remember the way you guys had come to this part of the quiet library, you just opt to following him around like a lost puppy. Usually it’s the other way around.

Especially when Hoseok had asked you one day to try public sex with him.

“Well well well, never knew my reclusive best friend was such an exhibitionist.” You’d been whistling and hooting while smirking his way, watching him shuffle on his feet awkwardly. He was never too confident in speaking about his sex life and watching him squirm was so much fun to the evil part of your brain. Not that he had much of a sex life to expose. Hosoek was a sweet boy who did relationships. Long term ones. And he hadn’t even been on a date recently.

“W-Well, I’m not. Not yet. I’ve never tried anything like that. And you obviously have.”

You’d just shrugged nonchalantly in response.

“So… I want to try something. With you.” Naturally, your response had been to blink repeatedly, making sure you heard him right.

“No fucking way, Josè.”

“Please, please, please?! I don’t trust anyone other than you to do this with and not be weird about it.”

“What about you get an actual girlfriend Hobi? Hm? Ever thought of that.” He’d rubbed his temple with a pout on his face when you’d mockingly knocked your fingers against it. How did he not see how attractive he was? He could get anyone. Literally anyone.

“I haven’t had luck in that department, you know that.” Him gritting his answer through his teeth is probably one of the most frustrated you’d seen him and it makes you snort.

“Then just find someone willing and fuck her at the party?” The crude words bring a blush to his pretty face. How does he even plan on having sex in public?

“You know I can’t do that.” Shaking his head, he turns back towards you, “Besides… I don’t want it to be just anywhere. I want to d-do this at the library.” Your eyes had bugged out of your head once again at that. How did you not know how kinky your best friend was?

“Oh my god.” You can’t help the giggles that fight their way through your throat, “I cannot believe it Hoseok! You’re such a closeted freak.” Now you were full on cackling.

“Stop. I just wanted to try something.” The pout was back on his face and the little glazed look he had in his eyes had diminished slightly.

“Yeah and public sex from the get go? What will you be ‘trying’ next? Pegging and Anal?”

His brows furrow adorably. “What’s pegging?”

“Oookay. Let’s just get back to the topic at hand.” You didn’t want to give him any more ideas. Yet.

Somehow in the next few hours, you’d agreed to sleep with your best friend. At a library at that.

And here you were, nestled in a corner at one of the desks that were set up between the isles for people who wanted to browse journals and other various literature. Where you both sat was relatively isolated. Only the people who occasionally walked past the isles would be able to see two people sitting at a table – the table shielding your lower halves of the body – and only if they looked. The table was set against one of the isles and that would probably be the only concerning area. That someone on the other side of that shelf would be able to decipher what was going on. Okay maybe this was making you rethink your decision. Just a little.

“So, what do you think?” Hoseok was panting slightly as he looked around you both repeatedly, making sure no one was lingering on the fact that two students had disappeared off to a section that they could do more than study in. But you couldn’t see anything of the sort. Just everyone minding their own business for now. Besides, how loud could you both be anyway? This shouldn’t take too long.

“Pretty good. You must come here a lot to know such a precise spot?” Brows wagging teasingly in his direction, making his cheeks flare up even more.

“I do. But to study usually so this feels a bit… exhilarating.” His face tells you how excited he is but he is definitely nervous as well if the sweating is anything to go by.

You bump your shoulder slightly with his to ease his worries. “Hey, don’t sweat it. Literally.” You can’t help the laugh that he then tries to muffle with his hand. “No really! I’m very good at quickies.”

Your wink makes him blush but he still seems apprehensive. “It’s not that… I’m. Well. I-I can kind of lose control sometimes.”

You continue to deadpan him. Hoseok and losing control? Were you hearing correctly? Your sweet, nerdy, studious, calm and collected, shy best friend losing control? It can’t be that bad, right?

“I’m serious y/n. B-But I’ll try to keep in check.”

“…Okay. Anyway. You ready?” There is a moment of silence and it is quiet. You can hear when Hoseok swallows, the way he drags his gaze all over your coat cladded form and then finally, looks into your eyes. You never noticed how attractive Hoseok was up-close and that was what was making you nervous.

“I-I think so? How are we going to do this? Shit I didn’t think about the logistics through before coming here.” Hoseok had started to nervous ramble so you decided to take matters into your hand by sitting directly on his lap, facing him.

“W-Wha…. Is this how we’re- Wouldn’t that look too suspicious.” You tried not to roll your eyes.

“We’re about to screw in a library surrounded by people. Anything we do will make us look like horny college kids. At least this way if someone catches us people will think we’re only making out or something.”

Hoseok’s pretty mouth falls open in an ‘o’ understanding your reasoning. The law library is more dimly lit compared to others so it was easier to fly under the radar. It was obvious that Hoseok had brought you here to take full advantage of that. If Hoseok tends to lose control as he's said, it shouldn't attract too much attention even if he's a tad too loud. Wait, is it even about his volume?

Leaning down you level your face to his baby browns while he leans back as if you're infectious and not about to have sex, "What do you mean about lose control by the way? You're not going to scream up a storm are you? I swear to god Hoseok if you get us arrested-"

"It's not me you should be worried about," the reply comes without any stutters unlike how he spoke before, making your breath hitch. He's calm and collected, gaze slithering down your body like you were an otherworldly marvel.

This was not how you'd seen your best friend act in all the years you'd known him. Never have you felt this attracted to your usually shy, meek friend who seemed to be the most quaint person in your group of friends. Perhaps that's why you'd never really sexualised him before. Though it did always baffle you how he managed to date the prettiest girls.

"Okay weirdo."

The tremble in your voice is barely masked but you try and regain some of your composure by aggressively adjusting and slipping down your panties to mid thigh. Effectively breaking Hoseok's bravado when he audibly gulps, looking around him. It doesn't take long for you to feel the effects of your activities as Hoseok already feels considerably solid underneath you. A flush of embarrassment evident in your cheeks when he rubs the damp material of your panties between his index finger and thumb.

"You're so wet, y/n." The skin of your naked thighs covered in goosebumps with each carrels of Hoseok's veiny hands. When did they get so callous? The feeling brought another embarrassing amount of wetness down your thighs.

"S-Sorry." You shook your own head at your apology. Why did you say sorry? Guys love that, you knew.

Somehow, it felt different with Hoseok. You were being a lot more conscious about his likes and dislikes instead of your own. Which should've been a red flag. Yet, you continued with the dangerous game you were both playing. The perspiration on Hoseok's forehead gave away how affected he was as well despite the cool temperature inside the library.

"Are you kidding? I've... I've never been this turned on in my whole life."

You don't get a chance to respond, only garbled gasps when his cool fingers slip between your thighs, massaging the slick in the sensitive skin that connected your inner thighs to your pussy.

"H-Hoseok." His thumbs spread the wetness from your nether lips back to the sensitive patch of skin.

"Is this okay?" You're too caught up in the heat of the moment and the thousands of nerve endings that Hoseok's fingers were stimulating.

Your head was lolling around like you were drunk and that was enough indication for him to carry on. It was terrifying how little he had done and you were already lacking the ability to comprehend anything other than his touch. Your hands were dropping beneath you carelessly, trying to find the hard length that was persistently pressing in you. You were turned on beyond belief and you needed to feel Hoseok inside you. Now.

Hoseok had other plans.

"Slow down, y/n." His chuckle is breezy, albeit a little throatier than usual. But it doesn't stop your quest to get your hands inside his pants.

"Hoseok I need you to get inside me." Your plan to be stern backfires.

You had hoped that telling Hoseok you meant business would get him to submit to you like it usually does. However, the heady look in his eyes tells you otherwise. You're proven wrong when instead, Hoseok locks his eyes with yours, as if challenging the autonomy you had in this situation. You're unable to move, just feel as the plunge of his nimble fingers inside you has you gripping his shoulders for a lifeline. Your head was already mushy and all basic comprehension had gone out the door. The sounds accompanying each agonising push and pull extremely erotic, making the blush bloom deeper on your already heated skin.

The onslaught of sensations had made it easy to forget about the world around you. If someone was to catch you right now, you weren't sure if you would let Hoseok stop the delicious friction inside you. The way he looked at his fingers sliding their rhythm inside you, completely entranced by your body, made another gush of wetness flow down his thrusting digits. He had barely fingered you for five minutes and you were already like a full damn ready to burst. Hoseok finally looked up when the scissoring motion of his fingers made you gasp loud enough to startle him.

it was getting increasingly difficult to keep your volume down. Now you knew why Hoseok had redirected the question about being quiet, to you. His other hands wrapped around your hips, just above the dip in your spine to keep you from thrashing off his lap. You were at the point where your body was so close that every thrust of his wrist bordered on pushing you over the edge. Body moving towards the movement and away from it in the same second.

“I don’t think I want that just yet.” His lips shone from the constant contact with his tongue.

Maybe he was giving you a tongue show on purpose. To be even more cruel when you were already suffering (in the best way possible). Hoseok was always mischievous. Not as obvious as your other friends like Taehyung or Jungkook. And you were finding out just how devious he is. Dragging on the assault on your pussy. Stretching the thread until you’re clawing your hands down his back, whispering ‘please’ like a symphony.

“You like this?”

“Y-Yes Hoseok. Please just f-fuck me already.” Your threatening growl only makes him smirk and fasten the pace of the three fingers inside you.

“I really wanna watch you squirt y/n. With all these people just a few feet away. Can you do that for me?”

His whispers near your ear makes you flinch away with each word. Body so sensitive to any form of stimulation that you were scared you were going to cum just from listening to the low timbre of his voice. Hoseok’s eyes were glazed over, the hard insistent bulge was digging in your thighs with even more ferocity. Yet, he denied himself the pleasure you were so readily offering. Why was he torturing the both of you like this, ugh.

Suddenly, he pushes you back against the table behind you, making you grasp the wooden edges in order to brace yourself. However, the action left you exposed, skirt pushed up enough to reveal Hoseok’s hands rhythmically pushing forward and backwards. The open position of your thighs and the air now touching your heated skin making you feel everything just a bit more. His fingers were hitting the spongy spot on the top of your walls just right that you’re whimpering and clenching your hands around the wood, just not the type you wanted to be holding.

“F-Fuck Hoseok if w-we get caught p-people-”

“Will see your cunt swallowing my fingers? I know y/n.” His smile is devilish. He’s reveling in your fear of being found out and you know this is exactly what his fantasy is.

Your breathing is harsh and you’re bordering on being a little too loud. It becomes even more of a problem when you start feeling the zaps of pleasure in your core that are hurtling you towards completion. Hoseok’s angled fingers repeat the motions that elicited the response when he sees you thrashing.

“Right there huh? That feel good?”

You can’t speak. Biting so hard on your lip, trying to not scream blooding murder, that tears are pooling in your eyes, blurring your vision. The strength in your arms leaves as you collapse on the table, head pushing back and one hand going to hold the one almost fisting inside you. You’re so close you can almost taste it. Everything is too much and it’s an impossible feat to stay quiet and inconspicuous.

“God, you’re being so loud. If you’re any louder people will hear you cumming all the way from outside.” And yet he doesn’t sound concerned.

Hoseok’s eyes are feral, watching you hold on to his hand while his wrist is snapping powerfully towards that one spot that has you seeing spots. You’re moaning even louder now and he has to get up from his seat to put his other hand around your mouth to drown out your sounds that are going straight to his dick. God, you were so sexy he was going to cum in his pants from just watching the tears roll down the side of your face.

“Yeah? You’re gunna cum baby? Squirt all over my fingers?”

He wasn’t expecting a response from you with how fucked out you were but your eyes peering into his let him know that you heard him. And that you were going to cum. Hoseok slips his thumb up to your clit, rolling it in tandem with his deep thrusts and within seconds, you’re screaming out your orgasm. Your cunt grabbing his fingers like a vice but Hoseok is still dragging his digits along your walls to prolong the pleasure. His whole hand is thoroughly wet because you indeed, squirted like he asked.

It’s hard to comprehend if what you experienced was a fever dream or you actually blacked out for a few seconds because of how hard you came. You’re still breathing hard and you feel hoseok’s hand ease around your mouth. He’s pressing kisses along your decolletage, fingers till lazily moving inside you until you’re pushing them away.

“That was so hot. Thank you y/n, you’re the best.” You were getting whiplash from how he’d turned back into his sickly sweet self when he was just giving you the best orgasm of your life a few minutes ago.

“Yeah, w-well, I may not be able to walk out of here.” you can’t quite look him in the eyes yet. Not when he’d just fucked your brains out and real fucking was about to come.

“Don’t worry, I think you’ve had enough today so that’s for next time.” He smiles his 1000 watt smile at you before sucking the wetness off his fingers. Your face is so red you might pass out.

Next time?

[willadisastercry]

Slow and steady... breathe.

tw: severe blood loss, needles, self surgery, loss of conciousness.

Lance wasn’t particularly aversed to needles, he just didn’t want to have to willingly stab himself with one, ya know? Everyone is distraught once they realize Lance is hurt and that they can’t be there to help him because they’re in the middle of nowhere and can’t leave their lions, so talking him through stitching himself back together is the best solution they have. If only Lance can stay awake long enough to fix himself up so he makes the journey.

“Is everyone alright?”

Keith’s voice jolted Lance from his slumped position after his body had gone lax with exhaustion and his mind wondered off. He almost didn’t catch Keith’s question with how intently he was staring at the floor in front of his pilot chair where a sizable puddle was beginning to form.

“Didn’t really account for having to bail so soon without checking in and we have a long way to go before he get back to where Coran had to move the castle...”

He wondered vaguely what he could’ve possibly spilled as he shrugged off the weariness from the battle they had just narrowly escaped. They were all spent after things went pear shaped and had to evade the hail of fire from galra blasters all the way up to their lion’s ramps.

Everyone ushered their respective ‘yes’s though, even Lance, but Keith decided to do a sound off for damage control anyway since they had a bit of a journey before they made it back to the castleship.

“Pidge? Did your shield hold up?”

Shield. Hmm. Lance knit his brows together as he forced his brain to work through the fog that addled it.

“Yeah, it did. I’m not hurt.”

Unlike Pidge, Lance wasn’t as lucky and his had cracked almost immediately in his one on one with the galra soldier that had discovered him. He’d taken post in a makeshift sniper hole between some storage crates to cover his team as they made their eacape.

“Good, how about you, Hunk?”

Lance wondered what else he was forgetting about the battle they’d just fought, maybe that’s why he felt so strange and out of it, why his mind was so slow.

What the fuck happened back there?

“—saw you take a few hits in close combat at the end there, you alright?”

Lance’s heart fluttered sadly as he recalled how he had been lining up a shot for the soldier that was advancing on Hunk when he’d been caught.

His scope had just zeroed in on the soldier when one that Lance wasn’t aware of made his own surprise attack, clutching the armor around his ankles so painfully that he was afraid it’d crack before yanking him backwards and away from his position.

He had cried out more at fact that he hadn’t gotten the shot in because that meant that Hunk would have to fight and he hated fighting. The guy was a goddamned pacifist in the middle of an intergalactic war, but his build made him look like a formidable threat and attracted unwanted attention during battle all the time.

Lance just wanted to spare his friend from having to engage in the thing he hated so much. But he couldn’t. He’d failed.

“I’m dandy, nothing more than a couple of bruises Coran’s special cream can fix.”

Those bruises were Lance’s fault. He had failed to protect him from that soldier, to protect him from having to do the thing he hated. It took all of him to stifle the broken sound that erupted in his throat as his stomach clenched with guilt.

“Okay, let me know if anything changes.”

Lance breathed shakily as he blinked back tears, but even when he wiped the wetness under his eyes they remained blurry, unfocused.

“Allura? You were with me but you had the quintessence—”

That’s what this entire mission was about...

Stealing a powerful vat of quitessence Pidge had been keeping tabs on with intel she’d stolen from a galra battleship en route to occupy a peaceful planet in the nearby solar system. Shiro wanted them to intercept the delivery so that there would be less catastrophe when they formed Voltron to defend the planet.

It was more than vital that they succeeded and Lance was determined, ready to do whatever he could to prove himself as a sharpshooter and make sure they secured what they were after.

“You can be at ease that I am uninjured and the quintessence is in tact.”

This bit of information did little to ease the rapidly increasing feeling of wrong that was consuming him. They had succeeded and he had done his job relatively well aside for one mistake, but that mistake had gotten Hunk hurt, and he was having a hard time reconciling that to make the success feel like a victory.

He was also having a hard time staying focused on Keith as he spoke with each of them, all of their voices as they recounted the battle muddling together, lost behind the ear piercing ringing that only he seemed to be affected by.

His breathing picked up and he was vaguely aware that he had started sweating, realizing he’d zoned out again just in time for his turn to check in with Keith.

“Great, and Lance? I know you were in a bit of a scuffle, are you all good?”

Five minutes ago he would have answered with a resounding yes, but as soon as he’d sat down in Blue the pump of adrenaline through his body slowed and the weariness had dripped away bit by bit to reveal that he actually felt incredibly weird. Of which was doubly confirmed with the near constant waves of concern Blue was sending him.

“Uhhm,” Lance paused, his mind blank.

For the first time in literally ever he had no idea what to say. His mind was in a thick haze as his body continued to try and come down from the massive high of combat and so he found he couldn’t really grasp what the strange feeling was exactly.

“I... I think I took a couple of direct blows after my shield... maybe my head because I sort of feel... I don’t know actually, just-just weird I guess...”

“Wait, your shield crapped out while you were fighting that soldier?”

Lance was slower to respond this time.

“Yeah, it cracked, my shield...” his words came out between increasingly ragged breaths.

“Well, that’s not promising. What do you mean by weird, do you think you might have a concussion?”

“Concussion...” he mused aloud, not really understanding why that was a concern before he reminded himself that he was fully missing a few key events from the end of the mission. He was faintly aware of worried fussing from Hunk and Allura as he racked his brain.

“Pidge, can you pull up a full visual of Lance?”

“On it!”

“...I don’t think I hit my head though. I mean, yeah, I guess I do feel a little dizzy maybe... and lightheaded... everything looks kinda strange too,” Lance rattled off as he took in his surroundings.

The lights of the panels and screens in front of him blurred and stretched if he moved his eyes too fast, so he tried to keep still and focus on just Keith’s face for now. It was pinched with concern but his voice divulged nothing but calm.

He could feel Blue nudging him, clearly worried over something because she had been withholding control of the steering for a while and was doing most of the piloting then.

“Easy girl, I’m alright,” Lance whispered.

He was becoming more lightheaded by the minute and his movements were now so sluggish he wasn’t sure he’d have been able to steer straight much longer anyway.

“Full screen visual should be popping up—

“Oh, crap!”

“Lance, what the hell?”

“Lance?” Keith’s voice was steady, breaking through the sea of concerned remarks pointedly.

For everyone else the entire view of Lance’s cockpit was now visible and so was the red that painted the front of his armor and much of the floor.

“Lance... do you know how long you’ve been bleeding?”

“Huh? I’m not-I didn’t get... wait, what do you—woah,” Lance had looked down to examine himself, certain there would be nothing.

But there was. And he was really confused because he hadn’t felt a thing but the sheet of red cascading down his armor from his side said otherwise.

He swallowed thickly, head swimming from the angle as he peered down at the grizzly sight. With the threat of passing out now a very real possibility, he brought his head back up to rest against the back of the chair and looked elsewhere as he fought the blood rush that threatened his ability to remain conscious. Something about seeing that much of his own blood was making him sick to his stomach.

“-nce! Lance, focus! Good, okay, so did the soldier have a sword or a blaster?”

He knit his brows together as he thought back on it. He remembers glinting metal that swooped down on him in short, swift arcs. The solider had a very long and very serrated knife, not a blaster. He didn’t even have enough time to transform his bayard before the soldier descended on him, his shield not lasting more than four hits before it shattered.

“A knife, he-he had a knife...”

He tried to ignore the resurgence of worried questions from his friends.

“Okay, can’t be that bad if you didn’t even notice, right?” Keith tried to put him at ease but it wasn’t really working.

He hadn’t noticed when it happened because he was quite literally battling for his life, losing a significant amount of blood in the time that had passed since then. And that scared him.

Because he wasn’t phsyically with the others, he was bleeding out and basically alone.

He was going to die... and his friends would get to watch.

“Lance, stop worrying and just focus on me okay?”

“R-right, sure. Um, what-what do I do though? We can’t just pull over... we’re in the middle of nowhere in outer space and the castle is too far... what if—I don’t want t—I can’t-can’t—“

“Lance! What did I just say? Stop worrying and listen to me!”

He dragged his eyes from the hole they were burning into Blue’s dashboard to meet Keith’s purple saucers.

“You’re okay. You’ve got a med kit in the cargo hold and we can talk you through how to patch yourself up, yeah? You’ll be fine.”

“Fine. Right, I-I’ll be fine.”

“Do you think you can stand? The med kit is on the wall behind you.”

“I can try...”

Lance scooted to the edge of the pilot chair and braced himself before rising onto his legs.

“Shit...”

The world spun before him as the new orientation produced another swell of blood from the comprised bit of his armor where he’d been... he didn’t even know what he’d been yet but he knew it wasn’t good.

He forced himself to take a deep breath, blinking away the static before starting for the back of the cockpit, using the wall to keep himself upright.

“Kit’s on the left.”

Walking felt weird. His legs were weak and didn’t seem to ever go where he intended, but they held his weight even when he’d acquired the bulky med kit and had use a bit more effort to lug it back to his pilot chair.

His friends were in the middle of a discussion Lance hadn’t heard and continued when he returned. He had to set the kit down before maneuvering carefully around the puddle to get himself seated in his chair.

He began tugging off the top half of his armor, starting with the gloves and elbow guards which came off painlessly. It was only when he moved to the top most pieces that he ran in to some issues. He inhaled sharply when tugging on his right shoulder guard pulled at whatever was waiting beneath his armor on his side.

“Hey hermano, just breathe, you’ve got it,” Hunk offered when Lance stopped.

He nodded and took another deep breath before continuing.

The left shoulder guard came off with little incident when he approached it with more caution, but now came the chest piece. He separated the clasps at the bottom and sides before leaning forward to slide the back piece out, the front piece falling away when he leaned back in his chair.

He gasped and was sure that his friends had too when they saw the gash in his side. It was long and wide, deepest towards his back and tapering off on his stomach just above his belly button.

Lance remembered it now. Once the shield finally shattered, he threw his hands over his head and rolled out from under a hit that would have killed him.

The soldier seethed at the evasion and launched at Lance again, giving him barely enough time to deploy his bayard before he was on him. Twisting around was all he could do to get more distance between them so he could take his shot, but he wasn’t quick enough. He caught the impending strike in his side anyway, the blade cutting into him due to his own momentum even after the soldier had stopped swinging and fell to his knees lifelessly.

He thought his armor had held, not aware of the splintering crack where the blade broke through the joint at the midsection.

“Okay, okay, hey! You’re still okay! You’re going to fix it and we’ll walk you through it, yeah?”

He nodded. The air in Blue seemed to be warmer than usual but it didn’t stop him from shivering now that his armor was off. All of the heat in his body seemed to be drawn to the hole in his side.

“Pidge, do you think—“

“Yeah, I’ve already patched Coran in and he’s got a whole set of medical diagrams pulled up... okay Lance, you ready?”

He attempted a ‘yes’ but his mouth was so dry he wasn’t sure he could separate his lips to speak so he hummed instead, his eyes wide and searching as he combed over the contents in the open kit below him despite the mounting pressure behind his eyes that made keeping them open a challenge.

“There’s a vial of yellow liquid and a syringe, grab those... also the sheers because you’ll need to cut away what’s left of the suit around the wound.”

He grumbled at the thought of stabbing himself with a needle but seemed to shift into a sort of auto pilot after that, moving methodically and ignoring the agony of the pulsing wound on his side now that he was aware of it.

His face paled visibly once he held the syringe up in front of him. The needle was big and the liquid in the vial looked like acid than it did medicine.

It was Allura interrupting his inner turmoil this time, her voice full of fear but sure.

“Lance, you can do this. It will hurt, but you will be grateful once you’ve administered it, trust me.”

“Whatever you say, princess...” he smirked meekly and Allura almost laughed.

Once he’d cut away a haphazard square from the material left around the entirety of his wound, Pidge explained how much of the liquid to pull into the vial and how much he should inject each time and where.

He figured he’d need to get a move on with all of this from the way that everything seemed to be spinning and steeled himself for the first of numbing injections. It was to go right above his hip below the deepest part of the wound.

“Breathe...”

He waited for an inhale and went for it before he could panic.

“Shiiiit!”

Turns out the needle going in wasn’t what he should’ve been wary of because the altean medicine burned. He squirmed and cursed as he pushed in the allotted dose, practically seeing stars at the thought of administering five more of them.

“Relax buddy, you can do it.”

He pushed the next shot in quickly, starting with another before his body could protest and did that with the rest of them all in quick succession, not letting himself focus on the seering fire until he was done. Throwing his head back and doing his best to keep from writhing as much so he didn’t make the wound worse.

“Gah! Fuck, fuck, what the fuck is wrong with altean pain medicine?! Hurts-hurts more than the freaking knife wound—“

“Shut up, you’re okay. You won’t feel anything soon. Hard parts over, but now you gotta relax, freaking out on us is only gonna make things worse.”

Keith’s stupid for being right, but he is.

Don’t freak out. You can do this... you have to do this.

“Okay,” he huffed, “no freaking out.”

His voice was trembling almost as much as his hands as he let the empty syringe fall mindlessly to join the puddle of his own blood on the ground.

The pain in his side was diminishing now, the burning of the numbing medicine becoming a cool sting and then smoothing out into a hollow warmth. He tested the skin around it with his finger and couldn’t feel a thing, perfect.

“What’s next?”

“Ha,” Pidge laughed grimly, “now you have to put your money where your mouth is and thread an actual needle.”

He couldn’t help but laugh at that too, the movement made something around the wound on his side twinge but he couldn’t really tell where or why with how numb it was now, which was probably a good thing.

“The pack of needles is in the sleeve... look for one that’s curved... size 3–yeah, that’s it. There is a clamp to guide the needle and a tweezer type tool to help tie it off, grab those. Now you need a couple packs of gauze and tape... the spool of polyester blend thread—wait how do atleans also have polyester? Right, focusing now, sorry! Okay, next is the antiseptic... yeah it’ll probably hurt but you’re not croaking over galra germs if we can help it... sorry Keith, you definitely don’t have galra germs.”

Keith just pinched the bridge of his nose but Hunk seemed to be amused by it, his light chuckle taking the edge off the intense worry written all over his face.

“We sure one of you can’t just do a little space walk over here?” Lance asked as he held up the bottle of antiseptic, “seriously don’t know how the mullet isn’t jumping at the opportunity to torture me, like come onnnnn! I know you’d enjoy it!”

“Shut up and listen to Pidge, the castle is still really far and Coran hasn’t been able to triangulate our location yet, so we’ve gotta keep moving.”

He grumbled pitifully but looked to Pidge’s face on the dashboard in front of him.

“You ever threaded a needle before? The sewing kind not the almost killing your friends trying to show off your piloting skills kind.”

“Ha-ha and no, but i’ve seen my máma do it... something like this I think... hey, I got it!”

“Damn, he really can thread the needle.”

“Thank you Hunk! Finally some recog—“

“Both of you be quiet. Lance, listen to me very carefully because now you have to stab yourself with it. Lock the clamp at the end of needle, you’ll hear a click. You won’t feel it when you start stabbing—stitching, probably just the motion, but you’re still bleeding so you’ve gotta hurry.”

Lance was well aware that he was still bleeding. His body wouldn’t let him forget. The color had all but left his face and he was drenched in sweat. And he seemed to shake steadily now no matter what he did to try and calm down, no doubt a side affect of half of his blood being beneath him instead of inside him. But he ignored it all and put his remaining energy into listening to Pidge.

“Start at the back where it’s deepest and hold the skin together... yep, good now bring the tip of the needle just below—left more, perfect. Coran says to angle it in the direction you want it to come out the other side... go as deep as halfway down the wound and don’t push too far in on the other side where it’s coming out... kay, now push it in, shit. Lance! LANCE!”

As soon as he had the needle situated as deep as it needed to go he lost the battle with how lightheaded he’d become. It had him slow and sluggish before but was now severely impeding his ability to remain conscious for his self surgery.

It wasn’t so much as the actual piercing his own skin that culminated with everything else for him to faint. More of the way he could feel it moving inside of him, like he could feel that the metal was cold by how it stood out against the heat of the wound, just not the actual cold of it or the pain part.

He didn’t know how long he’d been out when the voices of his teammates registered in his head again. They seemed worried, some of them distraught. Like Hunk, he was really scared about something, sounded a little mad the harder he listened.

“...if he doesn’t come around soon I’m going over there—no, I don’t care!”

“Just give him a minute!”

“Wait guys he’s moving.”

“Lance can you hear us?”

“Lance!”

Everything seemed so loud but muddled and indistinct all at the same time.

“Ugh, stop screaming...” he slurred, his head still hurt and he felt even lighter than he had before.

“Open you eyes, bud. You’re almost done, come on,” Keith urged.

Almost done his ass, he’d passed out just after getting the needle in, not even finishing the first stitch. This was going to be hell.

“The needle stayed in, you just have to get it through the other side and tie it off. Coran says you can space them out and skip a few, you just need to get it closed to staunch the flow.”

He hummed again and pried his eyes open wide to blink around wildly before he tried to sit up. But his limbs were so heavy even lifting his arm was hard, so he stayed where he’d slumped down, shoving his legs out farther to get his middle straight.

“J-just through the other side?���

“Yes, where you have it now is fine... just like pinch the skin and coax it through and don’t stab your finger like your about to, you’ll feel that!”

He wanted to laugh, he really did. Because this was so ridiculous. It was probably the dangerous amount of blood he’d already lost but he just found this so amusing.

Having to stitch a knife wound up while a lion flew him back to a castle that wasn’t really a castle—in space! All in space!

He wondered what he would’ve been doing back home if he weren’t here right now, probably nothing nearly as ridiculous.

“Lance, stay with us,” Hunk’s low voice pulled him from his mental tangent.

He rubbed his eye with the back of the hand holding the tweezer, it was covered in blood.

“You’ve got to tie it off now, so pull the thread through until just a little is left, like an inch—stop! Now unlock the clamp and grab that last inch, wrap the end with the needle around a couple of times, not tightly. Release the lock on the clamps but keep a hold of the end of the thread, grab where it comes out the other side and pull through then pull tight and cut, good, done!”

He took in mouthfuls of air like he’d just finished a race.

Shit, he could cry. This was hard and he just wanted to close his eyes and forget about everything. It didn’t hurt anymore. But he just wanted to be asleep and not have to focus so hard on stitching his own wound closed while his friends tried to make him feel better.

Because they couldn’t. Because this sucked and they couldn’t help him.

“You’re doing amazing Lance,” the princess remedied, her voice firm but soft all the same.

His heart felt warm with that, it was something he could hear his máma saying.

“Few more and then you can rest, bud.”

“Y-yeah, okay...”

It got increasingly difficult to keep his hand steady and after the fourth stitch he’d sort of gave up on trying. He resolved to do them quickly like the injections once he’d gotten the hang of it. But his energy was leaving him faster than he could stitch.

And then his heavy breaths and shaking hands made it hard for him to hold the skin together long enough to get the needle through, so eventually he resorted to holding his breath and stabbing wildly.

His friends grimaced every time he did that. They all felt horrible that they couldn’t be there to physically help him but also knew they needed to get to the castle as quickly as possibly.

So Pidge continued to guide him through each stitch and everyone else praised and encouraged him each time he finished one. Their voices pulling him back when he’d drift off into the pull of darkness that continued to tease and toy with him.

“-ng so good.”

“Keep going, bud.”

“-re so strong, Lance.”

“Only a few left... Coran says it looks good.”

He coughed on the dryness that had made its way down his throat and almost into his lungs with how tired every part of him was. Breathing hurt because he had absolutely nothing left on his body that didn’t, made so much worse with the strain of having to withhold air so he could get the needle though.

The wound was practically closed now and not bleeding much through the gaps where he’d forgone some stitches. He was at the part where it tapered. Pidge said it looked like one more would do and so he held his breath and shoved, whining when he poked his hand by accident, not even hearing what his friends were saying as he tied it off almost robotically, the muscle memory of having done it a dozen times now taking over as his mind remained elsewhere.

“-n you hear me?! Lance, Lance listen to me! You’re almost done, don’t go just yet.”

He forced his lidded eyes to look at Pidge, he could barely make out her face with how blurry everything had gotten.

“Open the gauze pads and place them over the wound... tape the bottom and only the bottom down completely then rip off a long enough piece for the top and sides... pour the antiseptic onto another piece of gauze, dab it over the wound, and press it all down before you pass out... got that?”

He huffed wearily and thought he did something of a nod, but it probably didn’t look like it because Pidge asked if he’d heard her again. He had. He was just done. He tore the gauze pads free form their packages and placed them over the wound before taping them down.

None of it looked pretty. Not the sutures, not the bandaging, none of it. But it would have to do. He opened the antiseptic and lost the cap in the process but couldn’t find it in him to care.

He looked up at the screen of worried faces in front of him.

“Go on, bud. It’ll only hurt for like a second and then you can sleep.”

“You can do it, you just stitched your skin back together, this is light work.”

“Once again, altean medicine hurts like hell, but it works. Trust me, Lance.”

Yeah. Trust the princess.

He closed his eyes and waited for it. He really wasn’t sure how anything could top the fire that was the pain medicine, but somehow the antiseptic achieved that. His vision whited and he thought he could hear himself screaming, but he felt too far away to be able to hear that.

He didn’t remember covering the wound with the gauze but apparently he’d gotten three sides stuck down before his head lolled to the side and gentle waves of assurance washed over him from Blue as everything faded to black.

He couldn’t be sure how much time had passed between then and the next time he woke up, but he didn’t have the energy to ask. He just knew that he was still in Blue from the pulse of assurances that surged back up again as soon as he came back to.

“Coran says he’s picking up Black on the radar, he’s making a worm hole now. I’m gonna fly next to Blue to be ready to grab her just in case she doesn’t get the memo...”

He must’ve groaned because someone was talking to him then.

“Oh! Not dead, that’s so good, hi Lance.”

Freaking Pidge. He might’ve laughed. He couldn’t remember.

“Hey dude... nah don’t try and move, just stay there.”

“Thanks for listening to us for once.”

“Lance, you’re so brave, you should be proud of yourself that you were able to do that.”

“Course, princess. Any-anything you say...” he smirked and tried to hold up his famous finger guns, earning some laughs from his teammates that faded quickly.

Blue was the last thing on his mind when he passed out again. She was proud of him too.

[coldmorte]

Hi! I hope you doing good. First of all I want to say I am so in love with your writings. You are so good.

And my ask is .. do you think Dutch gets jealous over Arthur spending time with other males?

If he does how would he react to?

Hello!!!

I am doing considerably better now that I completed two massive writing assignments and once again have some time to write what I want! I hope you are also doing well 😘

Speaking of which, I really do appreciate the kind words. I am glad my writings have some meaning to others! And I ALWAYS appreciate asks pertaining to VanderMorgan and Dutch in general. Anybody is welcome to send in as many as they want. I’m always down to provide answers to the best of my abilities!

As for this ask in particular, I’m putting the rest under a cut because it gets fairly long! I hope you don’t mind 💜💜

(But for anybody who is interested and doesn’t want to take the time…)

TL;DR - Yes, I think Dutch could experience jealousy. This feeling would lead to a variety of negative interactions with Arthur, most of which would stem from a mix of Dutch’s pride and his insecurities.

There are a few angles from which this set of questions can be approached.

(I wasn’t sure if you meant with other males in a platonic sense or something more intimate. I tried to keep the answers here relatively neutral/vague in that sense. For the most part, they can be interpreted either way!)

If there is an established relationship between Dutch and Arthur…

I certainly think Dutch could get jealous in this situation, but he would disguise it well.

Dutch would be somewhat self-conscious. He would fear he wasn’t enough for Arthur. He would start to doubt himself if Arthur is around other men a lot.

On top of that, he would have a certain level of vanity that would prevent him from expressing his feelings. He wouldn’t be comfortable admitting this truth.

Outwardly, he would try to pin blame on Arthur. He would make it seem like it is Arthur’s fault that he is agitated, and he would claim Arthur is acting irresponsibly by being with others. But deep down, the discomfort would be more out of personal anxiety (I go into more detail on this in the next section).

Furthermore, the power construction can go two ways…

I think the more natural reaction is to say Dutch would be more dominant under these conditions. He would want to make Arthur his and ensure Arthur knows damn well who is in control. 

Also, loyalty tests might be more intense. Dutch would constantly make Arthur prove his obligation to their relationship above all else.

However, Dutch might be willing to grant some submission to Arthur in this situation as well.

How bad does Arthur want him? Is Arthur willing to take control? Is he willing to show that he is capable of honoring Dutch’s trust and demands?

By giving Arthur a semblance of power of him, Dutch would be able to see his true level of comfort and commitment in regard to the relationship.

Overall, I think the extent of Dutch’s jealousy would rely on Arthur’s ability to demonstrate commitment. If Arthur repeatedly proves himself, Dutch would reflect a sense of confidence. He would be less likely to get upset if he sees Arthur with others. If Arthur acts in a hesitant manner around Dutch, he would fear Arthur isn’t really committed to him. This would significantly increase his potential for jealous behavior.

If there is no established relationship (but Dutch is attracted to Arthur)…

(This is the most complex angle and the hardest to break down. I will try to convey my thoughts as clearly as possible!)

I headcanon Dutch as being a relatively self-conscious person, deep down. It comes along with his pride. 

In fact, pride is partly the result of his self-consciousness. It serves as a way of concealing and compensating for his insecurities. He is afraid of failure and rejection, so a heightened sense of self-esteem masks that part of him.

Dutch is VERY contradictory in many, many ways. For instance, he both wants to rebel against societal norms, but he still cares about his image and how others see him. 

As a result of this, he would try very hard to suppress his feelings.

On one hand, he welcomes the attraction towards Arthur because the idea of it goes against a lot of social expectations that he loathes. It would be a turn-on.

On the other hand, there would be a degree of shame. Again, he still cares a lot about his image, and he knows people would treat him differently if knowledge of his attraction got out. People wouldn’t take him as seriously.

And could you imagine if his revelation was unrequited? 

Dutch would be devastated if he made himself vulnerable enough to admit his feelings to Arthur, only to discover Arthur did not feel the same way. Again, pride.

So, to come back to the idea of Dutch seeing Arthur with other men under these conditions, he would be quite conflicted.

Dutch would want to express himself to Arthur, but he would consider such a forthright task too undignified and risky. He prefers to only be candid with such intimate emotions if he feels absolutely certain that the response will be favorable. Without insight into how Arthur would react, he would prefer to hold back.

Also, seeing Arthur with other men would only amplify his insecurities. 

Dutch would be jealous of Arthur and whoever he spends time with, but he would feel self-doubt as well. He would question why it wasn’t him Arthur was with, or why he didn’t have the humility to be more open. 

Thus, his negative feelings towards the situation would be a mix of resentment because somebody else is in the place he wants to be in, while at the same time, he partly detests himself for not having the courage to do much about it. 

Not to mention, Dutch’s feelings would probably have a spiraling effect. His frustrations would mostly cause him to act increasingly agitated around Arthur, which he would continually regret. This would only make him feel like he was worsening his chances with Arthur. He would become more and more disappointed in himself over time.

So, to try to summarize this section up, Dutch would certainly be jealous of those other men, but he wouldn’t know how to address this dilemma in an honest manner. He would internalize his feelings, and he would only get more frustrated as he feels his chances of starting anything with Arthur keep getting worse.

How Arthur would feel about Dutch’s jealousy….

Well, first of all, Arthur is not a person who makes many serious assumptions or sees himself as a point of much attention.

Arthur would not think Dutch’s jealousy/antagonistic attitude stems from an attraction to himself. He probably would not pick up on it.

If Dutch acts agitated around Arthur, he wouldn’t really understand why. Arthur would not assume it’s because he spends time with other men.

Furthermore, Arthur’s unassuming nature would probably amplify Dutch’s frustrations. If he wants Arthur to know how he really feels, it means he needs to be straightforward. He would detest the inability to send implicit messages. 

Dutch might even try to put himself closer with other males to get a reaction out of Arthur. 

For instance, getting closer with Micah could be an attempt to make Arthur to fight for him. It wouldn’t even be about liking Micah, but Dutch just wants Arthur to prove his commitment (especially if Dutch feels betrayed by or jealous of Arthur) 

A part of Dutch might want to inflict some of the pain he feels back on Arthur. This would be self-destructive, of course. Dutch oftentimes has a predisposition to revenge, but he cares about Arthur. He wouldn’t honestly want to see him hurt, but revenge is just in his nature. It would be a natural reaction.

Whether there is an established relationship or not, if his attempts to hurt Arthur/make Arthur jealous fail, it would only make Dutch more miserable in the end.

Other than males…

Personally, I don’t even think Dutch’s jealousy would be limited to other men. What about women?

In the general sense, Dutch just wants security. He wants to know that he has full commitment.

In some ways, Arthur spending a lot of time with women might be even worse, especially if there is no established relationship between them. Dutch would feel an even stronger sense of shame because he would probably see Arthur as being out of reach. He would assume Arthur would have no interest in someone of the same sexual identity.

However, even if they do have an established relationship, Dutch might display some feelings of doubt. He might question whether Arthur’s feelings towards him are honest, or he might even wonder if he’s enough for Arthur.

Now, that is a LOT of information I just threw out there.

To again sum up a lot of these points - yes.

I think Dutch would, in general, be capable of jealousy. Even if he has an intimate relationship with Arthur, there would always be a hint of insecurity and doubt beneath the surface. He would consider being open with such emotions undignified, and his frustrations would be manifested in unnecessary anger or agitation.

I gave this lots of thought over the past few days, so I hope my responses make sense! Dutch is a walking contradiction. He is very complex, so I tried to break down his intricacies in a clear manner. And again, these are just based on my insights and interpretations into the characters. I’d be curious to hear any thoughts, and of course, if you have any other questions, fire away!!!

🥭 Keep the faith 🥭

[marsbutterfly]

The Scientist’s Gamble - Part 2

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Summary: As the formation rides out, Hanji takes a moment to meet your eyes, and you smile at her. Today is going to be a win for humanity, you think to yourself. You could not be more wrong.

AO3 Version! | Wattpad Version!

After an hour or so peacefully riding your horses towards the forest, you begin to feel the floor shaking in the distance. Not long after, the first red flare is fired. A Titan. Thinking back on your knowledge acquired studying Titans with Hanji, you know it is a 5m from the way the ground is trembling - not tall enough that it will necessarily take more than a couple of Scouts to kill, but could still cause damage if it wasn't stopped in time.

You move your face to the right, enough so you can look at Hanji to see if this is the one she wants. She shakes her head - she doesn't want a regular titan. You know that that crazy look in her eyes can only mean one thing. She's after an Abnormal. Goosebumps travel up and down your body, and you reposition yourself on your horse to face forward once again. Without even realizing it, a smug smirk spreads across your face. This is going to be so fun!

"Reiner! - " you scream. Your throat hurts from the effort you put into the sound, yet you still prepare yourself to do it again.

" - I need you to ride to the center of the formation. Inform the Commander that if an Abnormal appears, bring it closer to us. Tell them they should not kill it unless absolutely necessary!"

"Of course," Reiner screams back, allowing his cloak to fall back against his shoulders. His blonde hair ruffles in the wind, a ridiculous smile plastered across his face, "but I'm just curious," he says, and you know exactly what's about to come out of his mouth before he says it as he yells, "Who the fuck put you in charge?"

Before you even have time to laugh at his stupid comeback, the beautiful brown haired scientist riding alongside you responds, "I did!"

Eyes wide, his lips scrunch up as he turns away to avoid eye contact with you and Hanji.

"Now go, Reiner!" Hanji says.

"Yes ma'am!", is all he says before he steers his horse left and rides out of sight. He doesn't give you the chance to say anything in response.

You can feel the laughter bubbling up in your chest, from deep in your throat to burst out of your mouth. You try to hold it in until the blonde soldier is out of sight, but you know he can hear you.

Tears form in your eyes as your stomach starts to hurt. You just can't keep it in. The look on Reiner's face is the funniest thing you've seen in a long while. Once you finally manage to slow down and take a deep breath to pull yourself together, you look over to Hanji to find she's been carefully watching you the whole time.

"Thank you for defending me!", you shout, flashing her the biggest smile you can manage.

"Of course! I'm not going to let anyone undermine you! You are my second in command right now! You know me better than anyone else! That's what makes you such an amazing assistant," her grin widens, "and an amazing friend!"

You can feel the heat rising in your cheeks once again, but before you can reply, you notice something in the corner of your eye.

It's a black flare.

You and Hanji lock eyes for a brief moment before you both let out an excited scream at the same time - "LET'S GO!"

.

You can see it now. The Titan is easily 7 meters tall, if not taller. It has blonde hair and brown eyes, and a relatively normally-proportioned body and facial features, but you notice it's walking with a strange limp. At its ankles, the Titan's feet were pointed in the opposite direction they should be. Yet, it runs ahead eagerly as if nothing is different. You've never even thought this was possible.

Perfect! You think to yourself.

You stand up on your horse and switch to your 3D maneuver gear. You shoot your grapples around the top of a tree branch and swing on top to land on your feet with a sense of balance that you're proud of. Multiple horses ride toward where you and the rest of the Scouts stand above them. The massive titan follows the Scouts closely, too close for anyone's comfort, but they're not giving up.

Once the monster is close enough, you and Hanji share a look before you run towards it, preparing yourselves to jump down on its shoulders, cut off its limbs, and strap it to the floor before it regenerates.

Data collected on previous missions showed that it takes approximately 4 minutes for its arms to regenerate, but it shouldn't take you that long to trap it. You're all extremely prepared for this, you've practiced for this and almost every other situation.

Now it's the time to prove you know what you're doing - except nothing could have prepared you for what came next.

The trap used to capture the titan is a fraction of a second late. You're already in the air, arms flung back in preparation to cut its underarm when you notice something is wrong.

Everything happens in slow motion as you see it's massive arm intercept the cables of your grapples, yanking you like a yo-yo across the trees. Your body collides against one of the many enormous trees surrounding you. The pain shoots all over your body. It is too intense, and your vision gets more clouded by the second. You could hear Hanji screaming your name, but you didn't stay conscious for much longer than that.

A few minutes pass by, but the damage caused by the titan makes it seem like much longer. You could see bodies all around you, at least 10, 15. Your comrades, your friends, dead because of a mistake out of your control.

Huh?  you think, and that's all that goes through your brain at moment. There is blood dripping down your face, and you're unable to tell if it's yours, the Titan's, or to one of the many bodies lying next to you.

A 5m titan wanders closer to you with every second, and somehow you manage to pull all the strength left in you. Your body is finally forced to sit up, despite all the pain, in your head, your bones, your heart.

"Why is this happening? This is not how today was supposed to go. We prepared for this expedition for weeks!" suddenly you stop talking. Your mind starts spinning as you desperately look amongst the pile of bodies, searching for one in particular.

"H-Hanji?" you manage to force out a whisper, but as soon as you take a deep breath, all the pain you were feeling, the grief for your fallen comrades, the rage towards titans, "HANJI!"

As you become more aware of your surroundings, the warm blood dripping down your face and the pain of your broken ribs are almost enough to make you stop fighting, but a small voice in the back of your head says: You need to find a way out of this forest and back home. You can't let the titans win!

You grab your blades and swing them with all your might, trying your hardest to keep the 5M Titan away for as long as you can until you have a plan. The truth is you just can't die now, but you also can't fight for much longer as you feel your body starting to cave in. The pain from your ribs is becoming unbearable, and your lungs feel like they will collapse at any moment. With every breath is getting harder to breathe. You want to keep fighting for longer, but in your condition, it just doesn't seem possible.

It's alright Y/N, you think to yourself, Your efforts weren't enough, but that's ok. Putting the blade down, you accept your fate, but hopefully, it will be quick. You close your eyes as the massive hands wrap around your already crushed body.

"Oh no, you don't!" someone screams, and their voice is the last thing you hear before passing out once again.

.

You wake up to a bright light shining in your face. Your eyes open slowly, groggily.

Is this the afterlife? No. You can hear the saline dripping, in what kind of afterlife would you be hooked up to an IV in?

The pain in your head travels all over your body as if it's using your veins to move around. You try to readjust, but stop when a new pain shoots through your chest. You count one, two, three broken ribs. It could be worse. At least you're still alive. Your eyes slowly travel down the bruises that cover your body. Some scratches, stitches, broken fingers and toes. You are not even certain that you still have all of your teeth.

The shape beside you shifts ever so slightly, but it's enough to catch your attention. You turn to look, and into focus comes Hanji. Her head lay on her arms, which rest on top of your mattress next to your right hand. This is one of the few times you've ever seen her hair down - it looks a little messy, but it's still as beautiful as ever. Her glasses are folded on the bedside table in front of her. How long has she been sitting here?

"Han...ji..?" The effort you put into making the sound for only her name to come out is considerable. It scratches and burns, to your frustration, but the weak noise is enough to get her attention.

"You're awake!" she says as tears fill her tired brown eyes. "I was so worried about you - please don't ever do that to me again!" A small hiccup forms in the back of her throat. Her lower lip quivers.

The mere sight of Hanji crying is enough to shatter your heart. You try your best to comfort her within your confines. You reach to touch her hand, eyes softening. The sharp pain of your ribs again forces you to gently recline your back on your pillow once again, but you hold her hand tightly.

"What happened?" you ask.

"The Abnormal we were trying to trap moved faster than anticipated it would. The soldiers fired the net approximately 1.9 seconds late but it was enough to derail the entire plan."

She lifts your hand to plant a kiss on it, almost like she was buying herself time before she had to tell you what the rest of the losses were. Flashes of memories come back to you snippets at a time, not enough to give you a full understanding of what happened, but enough to make your heart sink.

Hanji continues, "Your jump would have been perfectly timed if everything had gone according to plan. When the Titan got out, it tangled your line, and you went flying into a tree." You remember the pain you felt at that moment, you've never felt anything like that before. You could remember clearly the sound your ribs made as they broke.

"After that, it became clear to everyone that our mission had failed, and by the time Commander Erwin gave the retreat order, the Abnormal had already eaten everyone around you. Your body was laying among all the corpses around you and I thought I lost you forever -" Hanji abruptly cuts herself off. She catches her breath and closes her eyes to compose herself.

"I heard you scream my name. I ran back to find you, and you were in the Titan's hand. I couldn't let that happen, obviously. I cut off its arm and caught you while Captain Levi went for the nape. I carried your body to the medic's cart, and I haven't left you since."

"How long?" you croak.

Hanji sighs, "Four days."

"And you've been here the whole time?"

Hanji smiles. "I only left for bathroom breaks."

You roll your eyes, but for a few moments, you forget about the pain covering every inch of you. You were never one for impulsivity but now, your body moves on its own. You're more than familiar with how this scene plays out - you think about it constantly. Your hands shake, and you feel your nerves getting worse the longer it takes.

You've been wanting to do for this for years, and now you have the perfect moment. After what happened, you need to kiss her, even if it's the only time you ever do. So, gently but quickly enough that you can't take it back, you grab her face and pull her to your lips. As they seal together, Hanji is taken by surprise, but just as quickly melts away in your embrace. She places her arms on your shoulders as you deepen the kiss.

It's exactly the way you imagined it would be. Goosebumps rise on your body in response to her soft breath against your mouth. A tiny sob escapes your lips as you're all at once reminded you of how much it hurts to move. But that doesn't stop you. After what feels like hours, you pull away reluctantly. You don't want this moment to ever end.

The bright red blush covering her cheeks makes her look even prettier than usual. She gently touches her lips, looking off into the distance like she's lost in thought.

You pull her back into the moment "Squad Leader..." you begin, taking a deep breath and forming fists with your hands. You gather every ounce of courage you have in you. It's now or never. "I've been in love with you for quite some time, and I should've said something before but I was scared."

Once you've started talking, the words pour out of your mouth.

"Now that I almost became Titan food, I don't want to keep it in any longer. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you're talking about Titans. I love the way your hair falls over your shoulders when you're training, and the way you adjust the straps of your glasses. I could sit here and list everything that's great about you because you are the most amazing person I have ever met."

Your hands start to shake, and your throat burns with effort, but you push out your most important statement. "I'm deeply and completely in love with you, Hanji."

Her mouth hangs open slightly.

Did I just make a huge mistake? It doesn't matter - I had to get this off my chest, you think to yourself.

She's extremely quiet for a few seconds - no more than a minute, but enough time for you to start panicking.

"Since when?" she asks.

"Since I listened to your guest lecture on titans when I was still in the Training Corps."

"Why haven't you said anything up until now?"

You can't help but laugh. "Everyone in the Survey Corps, and probably everyone in the entire military already knows. I just assumed you weren't interested."

"Huh?? I've never noticed!!" she says, waving her hands above her head. You laugh again as you readjust yourself on the bed. "But now that I think about it, I guess you did hug me a lot for no apparent reason... and Erwin did insist that you be my assistant..." she counts off on her fingers, "and you always blushed when I touched you and - oh wait."

She looks down at her legs, her fingers flying to fidget with her hair. "I can't believe I didn't notice..." Her blush spreads deeper once the realization hits her. "The truth is, I've been liking you too, but I thought you liked Captain Levi, or Eren."

You wrinkle your nose, shaking your head. Hanji laughs, standing up to wave you over to the other side of the bed. She lies beside you on the hospital bed, placing her head on your shoulder while carefully lacing your fingers together. She's careful not to bump your injuries. The smell of her hair awakens the butterflies in your stomach, and you place your chin on her head to wrap your free arm around her shoulder.

"I'm glad you're alive." Hanji says. Her voice is barely audible, her words meant for you alone. "From now on, I won't leave your side. You'll be out in the forest killing titans in no time."

You smile. "Right now, there's no other place that I'd rather be than right here next to you." She looks up at your face, flashing you a grin before she pulls you closer, and your lips close against each other once again.

.

A week later, you listen to birds chirp outside of the window while you read your book. The sunlight feels warm and nice against your legs, and the rare silence you're in is much appreciated. It doesn't last long.

"Y/N!!!!!!!!!"

The door barges open to reveal a gaggle of teenagers stumbling over one another.

"Y/N! I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!" Sasha yells as she runs to hold your hand, but her attention quickly shifts to the half-eaten bean soup on your bedside table. She looks at the soup, and then at you once again.

"You can have it, Sasha," you say with a smile, gesturing to the small bowl. The starved brown-haired girl doesn't lose a second and instantly starts to devour it. A giggle escaping your body as you watch her.

"How are you feeling?" Eren asks before sitting on the bed.

"I'm alright, but I'll need to stay behind during the next few expeditions. I should be good as new in a month or two!"

They stay with you for a little less than an hour, telling you all about their experiences with the failed mission. You find out from them which soldiers were lost and which were injured, along with other small details Hanji didn't mention.

A knock on the door causes all eyes to turn away from you for a moment. Hanji starts to enter, and then gasps as she realizes you have guests.

"Am I interrupting something?" she asks.

You flash her a caring smile while reaching your hand out to grab hers. She blushes slightly, but sits beside you. "Of course not. I was wondering where you were," you say. Mikasa makes eye contact with you, and then looks pointedly at your hands as they sit clasped. You blush too.

"Meeting with the Commander," Hanji sighs, "It went on for longer than expected, I'm sorry."

You could hear the giggles coming from your friends as their eyes rest upon you and Hanji.

"We should get going now, but we'll be sure to come over again soon!" Armin says as he and Mikasa push the rest of the group through the door.

Hanji leans forward to kiss your forehead. You close your eyes, and when you open them, you meet Mikasa's emotionless gaze from a crack in the doorway, Hanji's lips still on you. Your eyes widen, but Mikasa just nods, face unchanged, and closes the door behind herself.

"They're good friends to you," Hanji says after a few seconds.

You smile."They're also a handful. But yeah, you're right."

A long, rather comforting silence passes between the two of you. During the silence, you take time to focus on how soft her skin feels against your fingers, tracing the visible veins on her hand as your mind drifts away. You're pulled back to reality as soon as you hear her voice.

"It's a beautiful day outside, would you like to sit on the grass with me?"

.

The breeze rushes through your messy hair as you adjust yourself on top of the blanket. You squint your eyes and places your arm against your forehead in an attempt to keep the sunshine from hurting your vision.

"There's something I want to ask you, Hanji," you mumble.

"Yes?" She inquires, tilting her head while looking at you.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" The expression on your face remains the same as when you had been peacefully basking in the sun, but you can hear your blush rushing, heart pounding in your ears. She looks away while blushing, and you're able to notice a smile appear on her face.

"There's nothing I would like more," she says, turning to face you once again. "Well maybe an abnormal, but I do want this a lot."

"You're impossible!" you say while gently pushing her arm.

As you two laugh, your bodies get closer as if they are moving on their own until your lips are sealed in a love-filled kiss. You wrap your arms around her neck while she grabs your hips, slowly pulling you onto her lap.

"I'm in love with you, Hanji." you whisper against her lips, not wanting anyone else to hear these words but her.

"And I'm in love with you, Y/N."

You hug her tightly, feeling her hair against your face as the smell of her shampoo fills your nose. For the first time since you started to prepare for the now-failed mission that led to your injury, your body isn't in pain anymore. You can relax in Hanji's arms, knowing that your long time crush is finally your partner. You can worry about researches and experiments and missions later, right now all you need is Hanji.

"Let's stay here for a little while longer," she says before resting her back against the grass, carefully pulling you towards her. Your head rests on her shoulder as your fingers lace together, a feeling of peace takes over your body knowing that from now on, you'll have her by your side no matter what.

"Yeah... I would like that." You say as you close your eyes, focusing on her breathing as the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze lull you to sleep. Maybe the next time Hanji comes up with the idea to capture another titan, you'll stay in the lab instead.

[cant-blink]

Half-Life, Ch. 5

Summary: The consequences of Gigan’s actions makes itself clear.

-

He can’t move.

He can’t see.

He can’t hear.

But he was aware.

He was aware of the terrible pain that plagued his body, so intense that he couldn’t even scream. He was aware of every second the half-life used him for, every second his flesh was gouged and violated. He was aware, that every time he attempted to move even the slightest bit, it brought painful seizures through his entire body, especially of his legs and tails. His feet would kick the air uselessly, his tails have already run dry of their poison gasses but still kept contracting nonetheless.

He was aware, that for the very first time, he was at the complete mercy of everything around him.

His fifth brain has been severely damaged, shredded by the half-life’s tail and made worse through the mating. The same brain that allowed him to control his massive body was now destroyed, and it left that body feeling alien to the dragon.

Never before has he sustained such a terrible injury. It’s not often he received any injury at all, as his hardened scales usually proved enough to protect him from damage. Even in those few fights that proved more serious, it never got this bad. The extent of his injuries were usually torn wing membranes, maybe even a broken neck. Wounds that were always relatively easy to mend. Until that half-life showed up and now...

He felt so weak, and it was hard to stay conscious, much less stay focused on what he needed to do. He still had stored energy left in his stomach; he just needed to tighten the right muscles to free it into his system. But in the process of doing this, he sent another agonizing spasm through his whole body. He couldn’t even cry out, enduring this as it at least released his emergency reserves.

Some of that energy escaped his body, forming a faint barrier around him, red flame-like wisps coming from it. Keeping him safe from the outside world. He honestly didn’t want that energy to be wasted on a barrier, but he had no say in how his reserves were used. His body spent it on a pre-determined list of priorities that his old creators deemed fit.

The first of those priorities was to stopping the flow of blood from escaping his wounds. Blood being drawn is not something he was used to, but here he was losing too much too quickly. His body was in a state of panic, urgent in trying to get itself back together. But his energy stores were limited in how much he can carry; he didn’t even know if he would have enough to fully stop his bleeding, much less repair his damaged brain.

But he had to repair it; he can’t move without it and he needed to get out of here. Fly beyond the cloud of space dust and its atmosphere, to unfiltered cosmic rays. If he can’t, he won’t be able to complete the healing process. And... and...

It struck him.

He could very well die from this.

Bleeding. Humiliated. Disgraced. Defiled. Pathetic. At the claws of a half-life. Surrounded by lesser lifeforms. He’s never imagined what his death would be like, as it seemed like an impossibility. But this? This was not how he wanted his Death to be. He will NOT give this half-life the satisfaction of knowing he did this to him!

Without thinking, he attempted to get up, but his muscles tightened painfully before his legs kicked once more. More horrific pain swamped his nerves from his injuries. Why was his body not paying his damaged brain any attention?! He deemed that more important than his blood!

In his panicked mind-set, he failed to realize that he needed that blood to transfer the healing energy throughout his body. He was already losing too much, and the more he bled, the slower the process. But the thought never occurs to him as he kept struggling against his own body.

It was the burden of agony and exhaustion that finally stopped his attempts to move, his body once more settling into twitches. That violent fit has just undone what healing has occurred, dislodging clots and causing blood to flow freely once more.

He can feel it, trickling down his scales.

He can’t...

He just can’t...

He laid there for another moment, twitching. Enduring. Trying to calm. It’s all he can do; just try to stay alive long enough to see this through to the end. Hopefully soon, he’ll be able to take matters into his own teeth...

Blood still escaped his wounds by the time his reserves ran dry. No, no, this can’t happen to him. He already is going through enough pain as is, was he really going to have to resort to... to...

He didn’t have any real choice in the matter and he didn’t even have time to brace himself mentally before an acute piercing pain came into his chest. It was as if the half-life had stabbed right through him, and he instinctively tried to struggle, only to provoke another seizure that only worsened his situation. He felt no sign of the half-life, no resistance of his blade in his flesh. 

No, what he was experiencing was his own body sacrificing his Gravity Beam sacs, deteriorating the organs and reducing them into the same energy he would become when cocooning into his asteroid. Except this time, it was piece by piece, with his pain receptors fully intact. There was no pleasant numbing to ease the process.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had to go through something like this. At least back then, he was certain he would’ve been able to watch the process and see the results to make himself feel better. Here, he couldn’t observe the progress being made, nor estimate how much longer he’d have to endure this torture. Was this even worth it?

Wave after wave of added torment pierced through his chest, and each one made his focus waver that much more. His heart was racing so fast, from fear and from working hard to transport this new source of energy with what little blood was left. But even that was starting to weaken. It was harder to think, before thought disappeared completely. The pain was becoming dull, including the constant throb of the active chip. Wait, no... The sensation of the chip, the thing that plagued his dreams and life, was gone now.

An irrational sense of happiness flowed through him; the pain was gone, the chip was gone. Have he succeeded in healing? Was this happiness his reward? Was it time to rest from the ordeal? He didn’t know. All he knew now was a sense of bliss as his crests gave him the biggest dose of euphoria that he’s ever felt. 

Before that too faded into nothingness.

-

"Scoli, I need another glass. Right fuckin' now."

"Hello to you too." The centipede grumbled before glancing up. His mandibles opened in clear disgust. "You couldn't have cleaned up better?"

"Not in the mood, Legs," Gigan hissed, taking the glass just as the other kaiju finished pouring his drink. He takes a swig, savoring the taste and letting it work its magic. "Y'know, I put so much work into that guy and this is how I'm rewarded?"

“A bad lay, huh?” Scolopendra muttered in feigned interest.

“You have no idea,” He took another gulp. “Y’know, I had my suspicions that it would be his first time and yeah it was, and wanna know why?”

“Not really.”

“He had NOTHING between those legs. His damn Masters didn’t even give him junk, how fucked up do they have to be to not think of that?!” He continued to vent between drinks. “As fucked as MY Masters were, at least they left the rest of me intact. Even the bastards who did THIS-” He gestured at his own body. “-left well enough alone. But damn, that dragon can’t do shit. No wonder all he does is kill things, he literally has nothing else better to do with his time. Can’t eat, can’t drink, can’t fuck.” He shook his head. "I'd almost feel bad for him if he wasn't such an asshole. But I'd probably be an asshole too if I couldn't enjoy anything. How he managed to live like that for so long, I have no idea."

"Maybe it doesn't occur to you that if he doesn't have those abilities, then he probably never cared. Can't miss what you never had."

"Well, I've been trying to change that. Show him that yeah, killing is fun, but there's more to life than THAT." 

Another gulp and a moment of silence, as Gigan finished his drink and pushed the empty glass towards Scolopendra for a refill.

“Credit though, it was fun at first. Those throats of his, damn.”

“I don’t need to know the details.”

Gigan continued anyway. “He shoots lightning out of his mouth, and I tell you, that kind of energy made him feel real nice.”

“Gigan!”

“But it would be nice to fuck him properly. Maybe I can find a race that has the knowledge to do some surgery on him. Get a proper hole on him so I don’t have to keep making one myself. Heh.” A smirk came to his face. “Imagine that, get him custom-made just for me. Maybe throw in a stomach too.” He chuckled a bit but that died when he saw the look the centipede gave him. It wasn’t one he was expecting, scolding and with great disapproval. He maintained eye contact as he took a sip of his refilled drink. “What?”

“... What the fuck, Gigan?” Scolopendra started.

“What?” he responded with a defensive hiss.

“I asked not to hear about it, but... But what the fuck do you mean ‘keep making one myself’? What did you do?” Well, at last, the damn bug had interest in what he was saying, even if it was with obvious disgust.

“I told you. I made a hole. Between those legs.” The stinger of his tail clicked with emphasis and the look the centipede gave him was growing even more judgmental. It was enough to make him laugh. “Oh, stop acting like you care. If he were any other bitch, I would’ve done much worse. And had a free meal after.”

Scolopendra shook his head. “Would’ve actually preferred if you ate him like the rest of your ‘bitches’. Always made me feel better pretending it’s a legit hunting method of yours.”

“Eh, this job is making you soft, you’ll get over it,” the cyborg continued dismissively. “Anyway, the whole thing would’ve been fun, but apparently, the dragon couldn’t handle it. Damn thing passed out on me.”

“Passed out? Or died from fuckin’ being impaled?”

“Noooo,” Gigan drawled, taking another gulp. “He was still bleeding when I left.”

“Oh, okay, so he’s dying. Good to know, considering he’s the reason I’ve been giving you drinks in the first place. But now that he’s bleeding out...” 

Gigan gave him an unamused look, which Scolopendra met with his own. The moment of silence was thick before the cyborg gave one last gulp to finish his drink before slamming it back on the bar with force. “Fiiiine. I’ll go check on him.”

“You do that,” the centipede grumbled, just wanting any excuse for the cyborg to leave his establishment. “We’re also closing soon, so don’t bother coming back.” He watched the blue kaiju raise a blade in acknowledgement as he left before the centipede pulled out the communicator from beneath the bar. He pressed in a few buttons before speaking in a soft whisper.

“Hey, boss. Gigan, y’know, that idiot cyborg we banned? Yeah, he just left... Mhm... No, I told him to leave but he brought GHIDORAH in here... Yeah, THAT Ghidorah, how many Ghidorahs do you know? Now that monster knows our location, what now?” He nodded a couple of times before- “The Strawberry cloud?” He lets out an audible sigh. “I’ll get things packed up here.”

..............

“Huh? ..... Nothing’s wrong, I was just hoping we’d move to the Pineapple cloud instead... Wait, we can?”

For the first time since Gigan showed up, the centipede smiled.

-

What the actual hell was this?

Gigan glared at the sphere in front of him, and beyond, Ghidorah lying on the ground. He almost walked right into it and would’ve if it wasn’t for the red firey tendrils that pulsed through it alerting him to its presence. He lifted a claw and gave the sphere an experimental tap.

A spark courses up his blade and into the flesh of his arm and he flinched away. It actually wasn’t bad, although probably enough to kill off small species, like their old Masters. But it does nothing to discourage him, as his visor locks on the motionless form of the dragon. The fact that the dragon thought this would be enough to protect him; maybe from those tiny aliens, but definitely not from him. It was enough to push his irritation out of his mind to be replaced with smug amusement.

He’ll show him how useless this was.

Lifting his claw high, he struck the sphere with strength, sparks erupting from the impact. His other claw followed, slashing into the same spot to weaken it. He continues, increasing the amount of force with each blow until he can make out a crack.

A smirk grew on his beak, and his visor began to glow before a blast of his laser shoots at the weakened spot. On impact, the beam scattered into smaller extensions of itself, increasing the area of damage. It proved enough and the shield shattered. The red wisps of energy flung outwards, dissipating into the pink haze around them.

With a chuckle, his eye settled back onto the dragon lying in a puddle of his own blood. At least it looked as though all that twitching from earlier has stopped. Coming closer, he took notice that Ghidorah looked... thinner somehow. Yeah, he was definitely thinner, he can even make out the shape of the bones in his tails. Something was wrong, very wrong.

“Ghidorah, you awake?” Probably not, given the lack of a reaction to his precious forcefield being destroyed. Those six eyes were still open, still glassy and unfocused. Even those crests have lost their glow. He gave one of those faces a light kick with his foot. Nothing.

The damn thing doesn’t even breathe, so he couldn’t use that as a means to check for life. Does Ghidorah have a heart? A pulse to check? If he bleeds, he probably has some equivalent to such, right? He pulled up the files in his memory bank of what his Masters knew about the wyvern, but beyond the origin of his existence and the mind-control chip, they had nothing else. No anatomy, nothing.

It took a moment before Gigan abandoned his efforts to dig deeper, and he decided to test for life the only way he knew how. He kneeled down beside the dragon and with a blade, he sliced a cut through a patch of scales that was still free of blood-stains.

He scanned the wound for a few seconds before realizing, the dragon wasn’t bleeding.

....

Shit.

[biggest-stupidhead]

Path Walker (Levi x OC)

Summary: Emory comes to terms with the events of Trost and what this means for her future. (I did a slight time skip and skipped over the Trost arc) 

Warnings: Death, trauma 

Word Count: 2K 

My eyes watered as I watched the bodies burn. The scent of burning flesh filled my nose as I knelt down onto one knee. I couldn't tell if they were emotional tears or just watering because of the smell. It was strange but my nose was really sensitive lately, my eyes flickered over to see Annie, Bertoldt and Riener standing not too far away. I turned to see Jean to my right, he kissed his closed fist as tears ran down his cheeks. Connie sniffled loudly and Sasha hiccuped. I cleared my throat as a few rogue tears slipped down my own cheeks. The last 24 hours were arguably the worst in my life. I had watched countless comrades fall to the titans, and now Eren was apparently some freak of nature. Well I mean I knew he was a bit unhinged but I definitely didn't think the dude was a titan.

I stood, not bothering to brush the ashes off of my white trousers. I turned and stalked down the empty street, which had served as a battle ground earlier. My hair swayed as I made my way back to HQ where we would be bunking for the night. I paused at the sight of a tavern, the warm light that seeped out of the saloon style doors and the sound of hearty laughter reminded me of my upbringing. I was used to adults being drunk, and I knew how to avoid them as well. I lingered outside the door a moment longer before continuing. As I walked I stuffed my hands into my pockets of the leather trainee jacket. The night was cold despite it being summer, or maybe it was in my mind. Regardless I shivered and picked up the pace. I was exhausted and ready to put all of this behind me, fulfill my promise and all that bull shit.

"Hey Emory! Where are you going?" A sweet voice called from behind me. I turned around and felt my eyes widen at the sight of the golden girl, Krista Lenz jogging to catch up with me.

"Hey." I murmured when she caught up, turning to continue.

"What's wrong?" she asked as she matched my pace.

"Nothing, just tired." I lied as she laid a gentle hand on my forearm.

"Did you hear? We're shipping out in the morning for the Scouting Regiment's head quarters!" she said, those baby blue eyes shining in the moonlight.

"Yeah I heard." I said, licking my lips as I turned to face forwards again.

"I'm a bit nervous but I hope that they let Eren join still after... you know" she trailed off as I pursed my lips in thought.

"They have to let him, he's sure to be a useful tool. " I said grimly. Her grip tightened on my arm and her eyes widened.

"Right, I just hope that he can persuade the jury tomorrow at the hearing. " she said, a bit of an edge on her usually light tone. I wasn't sure what to say, so I stayed quiet, the two of us walking down the dark streets. We reached the large castle, and entered the main room was empty, but a warm light spilled from the mess hall. Our eyes met and I knew that she wanted to peek in the room as well, so we both veered off course to poke our heads into the cavernous room.

"-I think that should count as an assist! I clearly had the situation handled." a loud voice boomed, breaking the relative silence of the building. Krista flinched against my side, causing me to let out a small huff. She looked up and smiled bashfully.

"No, I  had the situation under control, besides Levi had the most kills." a feminine voice cut in, and the sound of glasses clinking and grunts of agreement. Krista peered around the thick stone corner and gripped my wrist as she eavesdropped. Levi huh? Couldn't be my Levi, could it? Only one way to find out. I poked my head around the corner and immediately cursed my curiosity. Sure enough a group of soldiers, scouts to be exact sat in the mess hall drinking mugs of golden ale. All except for one person, Levi opted for a dainty cup of what I assumed was tea. My heart hammered in my chest and I felt like I was going to ralph at the sight of the steely eyed man. I swallowed and ducked back behind the wall, Krista's grip tightened on my wrist.

"What's wrong? Are you going to faint? Please don't faint!" she begged shaking me as she spoke, my vision swam as I remembered my past in the underground. Krista raised her voice as her concern for me grew, her blue eyes were wide as she continued to drill me with questions.

"Answer me Emory please, I know we're about the same size but I won't be able to carry you if you pass out!" she cupped my cheek as I slumped forward and buried my burning face in the crook of her neck. A shaky breath escaped my lips as I hugged Krista and fought off the tears. I know I know it's dramatic but usually I didn't experience these emotions. I usually turned tail and ran in the opposite direction when I thought of Levi and the note that our relationship ended on. But I like to believe that the fresh trauma and the old trauma was a bit overwhelming in the moment.

"Woah Emory! Please tell me what's wrong so I can help you!" I shook my head and swallowed thickly.

"I don't know what came over me, I think I just need to get to bed." I said pulling away from the smaller girl. She gripped my biceps as she watched me straighten up and inhale deeply.

"Oi, who's out there? Cadets are supposed to be in bed." the callous voice echoed off the stone walls and I felt the feeling of dread wash over me again. Krista looked at me with wide blue eyes before answering shakily.

"S-Sorry, we were just on our way there actually! Pardon the intrusion!" she called around the corner without looking, praying that they would leave it at that. Silence. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her past the door with a sudden rush of confidence. She stumbled after me and I felt like Ymir, who was known for hauling the poor girl around. I felt like I was wading through molasses as I walked past the huge doors, my eyes wide and a bead of sweat rolling down the back of my neck. Krista yelped as I gripped her wrist and we stole up the carpeted staircase and up towards our rooms. I released her at the top of the stairs and continued to walk briskly towards my quarters.

"Emory, oh my god are you okay? Please I'm really concerned about you!" Krista called after me as I pulled the door open to my room that I shared with Annie open. She ducked in behind me and quietly closed the door.

"Please you can talk to me, I'm your friend." Krista begged, as she moved to sit next to me on the bed.

"I'm sorry Krista, I think that everything just hit me and..." I trailed off, wow I just realized that I am in fact a terrible liar. I heaved a sigh of defeat.

"Do you really want the truth Krista?" I asked, turning to face her with a grim expression, her face was open and accepting as she nodded slowly.

"Please that's all I am asking for." she said, turning to face me full on, I mirrored her so that our knees knocked, licking my lips I prepared myself. Krista would be the only other person besides Erwin to know that I am from the Underground.

"I...I am not from around here, I had to....make sacrifices to get into the trainee corps." I paused gauging her reaction, she nodded understandingly, her eyes urging me to continue.

"I lived in the Underground before I managed to score a deal, citizenship if I agreed to join the Survey Corps." I said, clenching my jaw as I gauged her reaction.

"The Underground?" she said with wide eyes, there it was the pity. It was clear across her face and I hated it.

"I don't want your pity." I said, my eyes drifting to the window to look at the starry sky. She let out a shaky breath but nodded in understanding.

"So did you know Levi?" she asked, desperate to hear more.

"I guess you could say that." I chuckled, my eyes falling to my lap where my hands were laced together.

"We um...we knew each other. " I admitted, now she would know. I was weak, the sound of his voice was enough to throw me off balance. How pathetic. I clicked my tongue and swiveled my head to face her again. She was silent, her eyes wide and shining with...admiration? She opened her mouth to speak but before she could say anything she was interrupted by the door creaking open. Annie stood awkwardly in the threshold, her own blue eyes scoping out the situation. Krista stood up and sighed.

"Well I had better be off, I'm sure Ymir is wondering where I am!" She sent me one last look, I couldn't quite decipher what she was feeling as she brushed past Annie and out into the dark hall. Annie shut the door after her and stalked into the room, bringing her over powering scent with her. I couldn't help but wrinkle my nose as she peeled her soiled jacket off of her shoulders. She raised a delicate brow at the expression on my face.

"What?" she asked, her voice hinting at her annoyance and exhaustion.

"I-" In yet another moment of confidence I decided to ask her about her smell.

"I was wondering why you smell the way you smell." it came off ruder than expected but how are you supposed to ask someone that question without being rude? I certainly don't know.

"What smell?" She asked, obviously self conscious, she lifted her arms and smelled her pits.

"I can't explain it but I just noticed it a few weeks ago." I shrugged as I watched her pick up her jacket and inhale deeply.

"I don't smell anything, is it a bad smell? Do other people talk about how I smell?" she asked with her eyes every so slightly wider than normal as she pulled at her usual hoodie. I held my hands up and waved them in an attempt to calm her down.

"No I mean I haven't mentioned it to anyone, and nobody has asked me about it so I assume that it's just me." I said, watching as her posture became more rigid.

"Well what does it smell like? I would expect at least Sasha to be able to smell whatever it is as well. She's got a great nose." Annie asked skeptically as I chewed on my lower lip.

"I guess if I had to describe it...I would say you smell like this crazy mix of herbs and...dead leaves?" I said, unsure of how to describe her musk. Annie's usual stoney expression fell right off her face as she blinked at me with surprise.

"Am I really the only one that smells like that?" she asked as a shadow fell over her face.

"No, Ymir smells weird and so does Bertholdt and Reiner. And Eren come to think of it." I said, my head tilting to the side as I took in her thoughtful expression.

"Odd." she spoke tautly as she slid off her white pants and into some sweats before falling into bed. I stood and tensely undressed, I was fatigued both mentally and physically. A sudden wave of embarrassment washed over me when I remembered the way I had dragged Krista in front of the superior officers. I fell into bed, staring up at the wooden rafters until I reluctantly slipped into unconsciousness.

[idontblushsrry]

Do You Know That I Do Love You

Chapter 1: Do You Still Think Of Me Fondly?

Next>

Word Count:

Warnings: Some swearing, smut in later chapters

A/N: This is purely self indulgent at this point. I will get my black nobility/courtly romance fic and it just so happens to be with Han Ju-Do from Yona of the Dawn (great show if you ask me I think everyone should watch it and that it deserves more but, whateverrr) I don’t know how many chapters this is going to have, I thought 2 but maybe I’ll do 3 or 4 it all depends on what I feel like is gonna complete the story the best. Reader is black, she has a Korean last name to match with the rest of the show characters. Spoilers ahead for parts of Yona Of The Dawn anime/manga

A/N Pt.2: This is based off of the concept of courtly love  but w tweaks bcus I have like no ability to stick with angst permanently, like if asked nicely, I’ll do a happy ending (Also Reader and Ju-do are both single so). This fic is also based of this song if you want to get into the vibe.

You’d been told tales of the Crimson Dragon Castle just nothing could’ve compared to the majesty of seeing it in person. The gates opened and guards announced your arrival as your carriage pulled inside. You stared in awe at the sheer size of it while your attendants whispered something to each other that you didn’t quite pick up on.

“What was that?” 

You turned and your attendants immediately went silent, squirming and failing to meet your gaze each time you tried to capture them in it.

“Nothing milady just the talk of lowly servants that you shouldn’t concern yourself with.”

You could tell though from the guilt in her tone and the way the other attendant looked as though you’d have her thrown out if you heard what she said that you knew they were discussing the reason you’d even come to the palace. You were much too old to be an unmarried woman and the constant rumours of your status ranged in believability, the most outrageous being that you were a succubus and having a husband would get in the way of your appetites.

When you’d heard it, that made you cackle because you were the furthest thing from a succubus.

 It’s not like you felt ashamed of being a virgin, you were a grown woman after all, and it’s not as though you were the sole heir to your family’s name. You had plenty of siblings to carry on the family name. The issue lied in the fact that you were the oldest, your family tradition dictated that none shall marry before the oldest and as such you’d been on the receiving end of anger from your siblings, parents, potential suitors, and all in between. 

When your father first proposed the idea of marriage to you, many of your siblings were still too young to care or remember. You could feel the concern coming from both of your parents as they urged you to meet with suitors from other clans and families. And you could feel their growing rage as you rejected one after another. 

Now nearing two decades later, your siblings, the ones who were unconcerned with your marital status so long ago were now resentful of you. Many of them had approached you individually and together with their grievances, claiming you were holding the family back and restraining them from true love, all the things you’d heard before.

They’d brought those same complaints to father and he brought up the idea of a palace visit to you. No not in so few words nor with such direct intent but the message was there. He’d brought the idea up while you fed the fish in your private reserve.

‘I think that this place is too stifling of your abilities my dear. I’d like for you to go to the Crimson Dragon Palace in my stead, I’m getting rather old and the whole thing is nothing but a diplomatic affair anyways, I’m sure you can handle it.’ You were going to turn down his offer. Not consciously out of spite but because you knew what he wanted you to do. His words seemed like the ones of a trusting father but the undertone of ‘return with a fiancé or I’ll disown you’ rang clear as a bell through your head. You may have been stubborn but you weren’t a fool, your family had grown impatient with your antics and if this behavior continued, they’d send you packing without so much as a goodbye.

You’d contemplated that idea and thought up the pros and cons to being disowned. It wasn’t until you heard two maids whispering outside your room that night that you made your decision.

‘Poor Master Seong I heard that Lady (Y/N) is preventing him from meeting his heirs.’

‘Eh? What do you mean, how could she do that?’

‘She refuses to let any of her siblings get married and as the next clan head, any marriages from her siblings that occur before her own are forbidden.’

‘Wow! Really, then why won’t she just get married already?’

‘Who knows.’

By the following night you were in a carriage on your way to the castle. Coincidentally with the two maids that spoke ill of you that night. It seems that they still haven’t gained the ability to shut up even when it’s in their best interest.

The carriage pulled up to the guest exit and you didn’t have to wait long before the carriage was opened by one of the palace servants.

“Welcome Lady Seong”

You were rushed to yet another carriage that would take you to your quarters while your attendants followed someone else to the servants’ quarters. For the first time in the weeks it’d taken you to travel here, you could feel yourself begin to truly relax. The servant next to you was stiff with rigid and tense shoulders especially compared to your unladylike and unrefined composure. But, they were quiet. You weren’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth and you didn’t particularly feel like talking to ease the tension in the carriage, so, you ignored it. Most of it was coming from the servant not knowing how to react to you anyways.

You closed your eyes to think of the last time you felt truly happy and all your defeated mind could conjure was an image of a chubby outstretched hand handing you a six-petaled flower.

“Milady? We’ve arrived at your quarters.”

You stepped out of the dark carriage into the courtyard of the place you’d be staying. Only to find that this courtyard was slightly nicer than you’d expected a standard nobles courtyard to be. There was an abundance of flowers, rocks lining the foliage. A bridge that spanned a small river that begun with a waterfall. Birds, a gazebo lined with jewels in the far corner, and the fragrant scent of jasmine flowers.

The servant, seemingly unfazed by the extravagance, urged you to follow her with a motion of her head. Her feet leading you through the courtyard with practiced expertise, you managed to keep up with her strides by clutching your dress up some and resisting the urge to gawk at every element passing you by. 

She brought you to a spacious room similarly sized as the room you slept in back home. The room was relatively bare save for a large bed pressed against the wall in the center of the room, a wardrobe, vanity and an incense holder among other things.

She turned to you and bowed before turning to leave. “Before you leave, what’s your name?”, she froze as though she wasn’t expecting you to actually speak to her. She turned back to you with a close eyed smile.

“My name? It’s Ha-Neul”

You’d received the first and arguably the most difficult of your diplomatic duties when within 3 days of your stay, you were being summoned by King Suwon. While the letter came as a shock to you, you nearly had a heart attack when you learned you’d be meeting in the King’s personal tea gardens. You’d take it as a compliment, however, you were 1) essentially all alone with no one to back you up should you fail to be adept at conversation and 2) you’d only met the new king as a boy and in passing, you were somewhat underprepared and knew nothing more of him than what you’d heard in passing.

‘No. Don’t think like that (Y/N)’, you looked at your reflection in the mirror, your braids hung down, the tight coils of your hair wrapped up inside of them as they hung down from your scalp to frame your face. ‘You are more than capable, if it weren’t for your intelligence, you wouldn’t have made it this far. You can do this.’ You took a look at your outfit. It was unfit to meet the king. But before you could begin working yourself up into another nervous tizzy, Ha-neul knocked on your door, her consistent rapping against it breaking you out of your anxious reverie.

Ha-Neul was truly a miracle worker. She’d managed to make your previously tense body appear completely calm and put together with a few twists of her wrists and some careful thought into what she’d have you wear to meet with the king.

By the time the carriage had stopped, the anxiety in your gut had settled to a deep thrum that would remind you of its presence at the very center of your being but wouldn’t seize control of your body. This mercy provided by your anxiety allowed you to put one foot in front of the other like you’d done since you were a child, albeit with a more conscious effort.

You’re led by a flurry of servants and guards to where Suwon was sitting so tranquilly in his tea gardens. It was amazing how much he’d grown since you’d last seen him but those same features he had as a child seemed to have aged with his spirit. You didn’t know why but you got this deep guttural feeling that he’d done something akin to a betrayal of himself. It showed oh so subtly in the way he drank his tea with an air of  practiced indifference that he tried to cover with a layer of oversaturated artificial happiness.

“Lady Seong, it’s good to see you. I hope your quarters are to your liking.”

Showtime.

You bowed respectfully to him before replying, “Yes, the room is lovely and even more so the courtyard. I’d love to speak with the person who designed it. How have you been your majesty?”

You’d hoped flattery would work with him, all your cues were being taken from him but it was near impossible to get a read on him. You kept your tone and demeanor light and cheery but eve still that was all he was giving you. It was like he was trying to gauge you at the same time.

Oh, you realized embarrassingly belatedly, this is a test.

The new king couldn’t afford any threats to his power and securing allyship while weeding out untrustworthy people was the most effective way for him to achieve that in lieu of starting a full-scale war. 

But Kouka didn’t need that. 

Since you were attending in your father’s stead, he’s likely assumed that you’re the new head of your clan, ‘If only he knew’.

Well, if it’s a test he wants then a test he’ll get. Two could play that game and you always were very good at mind games.

It feels as though it’s been about 30 minutes of you and King Suwon exchanging formalities, trying to see who’d crack. But finally, the tea and snack get delivered and you realize that for now, you’d reached a stalemate with the King. You could count it as a win but judging from the fact you still couldn’t tell what he was thinking, you mentally conceded to the standstill with him,  and from the sigh he let out it seems he’s resigned himself to the same fate.

“Let’s eat then shall we.” he says good-naturedly, like the careful tension of your previous exchange never happened, so you nod in agreement. Waiting for him to take the first bite and sip before following suit. You close your eyes and simply enjoy the gentle floral taste and aroma of the tea. You take a moment of respite in the tea and neglect your surroundings for a moment.

You hear big clunky footsteps hurry their way down the hallway you and Suwon are staying in before, “My King, I apologize for my lateness, and while inexcusable, I hope that you can forgive me.”

You recognize that voice, you move to open your eyes at the same time the man stands up and before King Suwon can get his answer out, you interrupt him with “Ju...do?”

He looks down at you with a sneer looking ready to give you a tongue- lashing for interrupting the King and calling him out of his station. Before a look of recognition flashes in his eyes and he looks away hurriedly, calling your name with a formal “Lady Seong, I didn’t know you were at the castle."

Ok, ouch. Few things hurt worse than the person you’d spent an embarrassing amount of time fawning over as a teenager (and young adult) dismissing you with such a dismissive and cold formality. 

You’d already fucked up by interrupting the King and you weren’t about to fuck up again by not responding to a General when directly addressed by one. “I didn’t know you were at the castle either, General.” If you were nothing more than a formality to him, then he’d be nothing more than a formality to you.

Yes you were aware of how petty and flimsy that logic was. He hadn’t seen you in years, of course he was going to be cordial with you. But the other part of you, the person who was heartbroken by the same man who stood in front of you right now, someone that you thought you buried long ago, hoped that calling him General hurt just as much as hearing him call you anything but (Y/N).