#in like a haha funny way but also in a depressed and disabled way

[legendcrab]

nothing more emotionally devastating than lovingly pulling out the ice trays and the brita filter, gently popping out the cubes to put in your water bottle, topping it off withe rhe crisp water from a pitcher with a recently replaced filter, excited because you know how crisp and fresh that water is gonna taste today. even going to fill back up the pitcher and ice trays, swapping the trays with the frozen ones so you can get the older ones first. and then leaving the water bottle on your kitchen counter

[kaccvcate]

sorry if this is a bit of a personal question, but is your lifestyle costly in any way, especially concerning the gas for your (sick) car? and is homesickness inevitable?

i feel like a stationary life in a house for years bogs me down. i don't know if i feel this way because of my current living situation causing me a lot of stress and a lot of bad memories attached to my current home, being in a shitty area, mental illness, or all of the above, but i just don't feel like i can live this way especially with my increasing wanderlust (a strong desire to travel).

it was magical to me seeing your many interactions and various views when you were traveling around the country. it was honestly really exciting! i feel like there's a lot to witness in the world and i want to see what i can in the short time i have on earth. (i think it's why i love visiting my family so much, besides enjoying their presence.)

but i don't want to throw myself head first into it, ya know? i want to know how much it's going to cost me. i would love to travel, but i don't wanna go broke over it! ;^;

i also have a strong attachment to my current home, florida. no other place has really matched its beautiful savannas, messy yet beautiful rivers, crazy plant overgrowth, and the nostalgic noise of cicadas (i even managed to find a shell this summer! it's my most prized possession, physical music aside). but, god... i really feel like fucking off sometime and going elsewhere for a little bit.

sorry if this is a lot of personal details, haha... you just feel very easy to talk to and i would like to have a roaming lifestyle. haven't been attached to people as much lately due to things, and i want to have my own adventures and experiences. maybe it's some sort of natural instinct to finally leave the family? xD who knows

To be honest, I've struggled with mental illness and depression the whole time I've been running this blog, and since I've stopped being homeless the last couple months, I've become a completely different and much happier person.

My comic seems very lighthearted and happy go lucky because I choose to focus on positive parts of my life in my work, it helps me to stay alive. When I was a kid my parents took me out of Mississippi, isolated and abused the shit out of me. My whole life I've actually dreamed of being able to live here and make music and have friends, and the whole time I was homeless I was homesick as fuck and cried multiple times daily. A lot of the drug use I portray is from times I was extremely suicidal, now I'm happy as a clam and don't ever feel the need to get fucked up like that, or hate myself or my life or anything (I don't even drink anymore.)

I've always wanted to help my family, who live in extreme poverty, but as a disabled person felt unable to. Now through my work, I'm able to be healthy and improve my life, and it's extremely satisfying.

I know this isn't the answer you guys probably want to hear. When my life was horrible and I was surrounded by abusers, moving into my car was the obvious choice, and while I was homeless, travelling was the obvious choice. You wear out your welcome one place and have to move on. For a while at first I stayed in one place and kept day jobs, which was difficult because of my condition, then when my old truck broke down I moved into the bando and just shoplifted all my food that wasn't paid for by fan donations. Through the kindness of my fans I was able to go to New York, there I lived on the street, and sometimes slept in parks or crackhouses, which isn't the most fun (although there were lots of funny times also, which I drew comics of, and crackheads can be as nice as anyone when they choose to be.) I was hoping to get treatment for my condition and get on disability, but without a place to stay through winter it was impossible. It was thanks to the generosity of fans that I was able to get a van, and I tried again to move to Mississippi, but things fell apart and I had nowhere to stay, so to avoid police attention I went out west. I had wonderful adventures in california, but still I regretted leaving my family to struggle while I bummed around having fun.

Even times I was really broke, kind people would take me in and feed me. People seemed to go out of their way to be extremely nice all the time as soon as I was out of Mississippi, and when I got out west it was fun to hang out in San Francisco with all the other free people who lived in and around Golden Gate Park (there are many.) Travelling was fun, I made so many amazing friends across the country and had great times, but still it was hard to be truly happy.

I'm very lucky to have the support network I do, my life wouldn't be possible without it. Living in a van is definitely cheaper than living in a house for obvious reasons. If you're going to move into a van, get to California as soon as possible, it's the best place to do it. But if you feel you're in a good situation and have nothing to gain from homelessness, you should just enjoy your nice life and be grateful. And next time you have some extra cash or bud, go hand out some alms to your friendly neighborhood busker. They need it more than you.

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

just ugh the ableism in the dsmp makes me mad sometimes and the fucked up thing was that the literal sixteen year olds gave more of a shit about not being ableist than a lot of the full grown adults like. it’s genuinely vile shit. like, at least three of the finales were just like. entirely ableism.

ghostbur's finale was just infantilising him and treating him as some sort of barely sapient creature who's pain didn’t matter as long as he had One thing he liked bc he's intellectually disabled so that’s enough right? who cares if he’s in constant agony he's not even treated like a person anyway.

wilbur's finale was thirty minutes of making fun of suicide. it was just treating blatant suicidal ideation as a funny bait and switch and going “lol what if instead of being mentally ill he just went to utah? hah it’s so funny to make people think a character was suicidal but they’re not! it’s a funny switcheroo!” and then c!wilbur was confirmed to have killed himself anyway so instead the joke is just “haha this guy commited suicide how funny”.

tommy's finale makes me the most mad bc again the Eighteen Year Old was the only one trying to Not be ableist but Dream set him up to fail by Lying To Him about season 2 ever happening. but it’s basically 50 minutes of blatant psychological abuse being treated as Justified and then suicide apologia. literally just suicide apologia. Literally just DIRECTLY TEXTUALLY HAVING A DEPRESSED SUICIDAL CHARACTER KILL THEMSELVES ON SCREEN AND BE GIVEN EVERYTHING THEY SAID THEY JUST WANTED. c!tommy killed himself and the Direct Text of the series portrays this to have been the Correct Option. whether it was intended to or not doesn’t matter when you’re doing literal 13 reasons why shit. you just portrayed suicide as Fixing All Of His Problems. it’s vile. it’s completely unjustifiable in any way and goes against Literally every single guideline on how to treat suicide. and that’s not even touching on the fact c!tommy is canonically a character with many heavily stigmatised mental illnesses and how he was portrayed as being Beyond Saving bc that is Also fucked beyond belief but just like. it genuinely makes me mad that the one person involved who was barely an adult was the one trying to avoid ableist implications but got fucked over bc he was lied to. like Tommy’s talked about his plans with c!tommy before and it’s Very clear he went along with the finale on the understanding it was not the end of his characters story And it was going to be shown as a Bad Thing he had a separate finale planned before the server reset. he’s got genuinely pissed at people being an ableist victim blaming asshole to his character before and it’s genuinely fucked to see his attempts at actually being sensitive be fucked over by people who should know better.

and that’s just the finales i haven’t gotten into the way everyone treated c!tommy or c!ranboo. or the ableism against physically disabled people! or the fandom ableism! it was everywhere and it was fucked up beyond belief and you got harassed for being a disabled person who wasn’t willing to see people like you treated as a laughing stock because it’s “just minecraft”

[vulturesrottencorpse]

autism isn't silly

titles self explanatory. I just wanna rant BC recently tiktok has been making disabilities very much more known (since around 2020)

One of the most "popular" of these disabilities are autism and also ADHD. Of course theirs others ppl are idolizing (Tourette's, bpd, DID, ect) But I don't have any of those so I can't really speak on that.

What I do have (diagnosed at least,) is autism, ADHD, anxiety and depression, some of the most popular and idolised disabilities on tiktok.

No, autism isn't "silly sharks dinosaurs hyperfixations!! Super smart and silly and funny!!". ADHD isn't "haha silly can't focus so energetic!!" Depression isn't "omg I'm so emo and sad nobody gets me" and anxiety isn't "oh I don't like talking to people and I can't keep my hands still"

This should be obvious but it's so often out like this that it's making me pissed.

And then theres people who'll tell you "autism/adhd isn't a disability it's a super ability!" Which invalidates your struggles. Yeah, I know some niche facts about fish and dinosaurs, I also don't know how to socialise with anybody on my own, I lay in bed all day and do nothing as hours pass by no matter how much I want to get up I just can't. I can't focus on anything unless it interests me even if I know I have to. I am constantly excluded from social groups because people either find me annoying/weird or too quiet and boring. I'm constantly depressed because I'm so lonely yet I'm too terrified to actually reach out and make new connections so I can't *stop* being lonely. I'm self aware about all my problems so therapists can't do much other than say "well you're very self aware" or "have you tried setting Alarms?". It is a constant cycle that goes on and on. And then I get told that all of this is a "superpower?" It's a disability. It disables me from doing things neurotipical people can do. Just because I might be good at picking up rhythm or naming a few facts about animals doesn't mean my autism/ADHD is some gift from the heavens. It sucks. It's made my life so hard but every time I try to explain it to someone they don't understand. Or they think they do, but they don't. Because it's impossible to describe this to someone without autism without them going "oh, well that's normal" because they've experienced it from time to time, but when I tell them the way I experience it is 5x worse for me, they say I'm exaggerating, that I need to toughen up, that it's "just how the world works".

I'm honestly sick of being treated like I'm not human. Like I don't have feelings that get hurt, like I don't have bad experiences or things that can ruin my life. Because autism is treated as some silly little personality trait. It's not. It's a fucking disability

Btw acoustic isn't funny. Stop

[dodgeryy]

This blog is dedicated to neurodiversity and mental health, specifically personality disorders and even MORE specifically cluster B. I love using this blog to connect with others like me, reblog and share their experiences, and try to bring light-hearted PD content into our communities. I personally do not post vents on my blog, but I do take care to properly tag them when I post/reblog them. I also post the occasional fandom / chronic illness / disability post here and there as well as ofc cute animals and funny hahas.

ASKS / DMs / SUBMISSIONS OPEN AND ENCOURAGED!

I am an adult! Minors are free to interact/follow/moot, but be aware that I might interact w or reblog adult content. (Anything heavy will always be tagged.)

Some posts may have themes of trauma, child hood trauma, psychosis/mania, depression, anxiety, and paranoia. I tag as best I can, and don't ever get graphic. Feel free to ask for specific trigger tags if you are a follower.

DIVAS. I am Ery, I am known 4 dressing cunt and acting like cunt. I am a big fan of the whimsical and fantastical, and media that is horrifying and gut wrenching. The waters call to me and every time I see anything bigger than a puddle I want to jump in.

I am a college student student w impulse control problems. I am studying fashion design and like to spend my money on calico critters and way too expensive accessories. You can find me in my sewing studio half naked because I realized there is a cute, easy, life changing alteration to the outfit I was wearing that I need to make RIGHT NOW. I spend my free time buying things to feel something, video gaming, and being not normal about many things.

My go to coffee order is a mocha.

Gay gay insane and disabled so here are some labels / disorders I got.

Genderqueer • aroace • lesbian

AuDHD • NPD • BPD • OCD

POTs • Pectus Excavatum • Connective Tissue Disorders • Mitral Valve disease

HERE ARE MY HOBBIES

Sewing / designing

Dungeons and Dragons

Character design / drawing

Arts and crafts in general

Color guard

Astrology / Tarot

Yearning for the waters (swimming and lifeguarding)

SPECIAL INTERESTS

Airplanes / aviation

How to train your dragon (books)

Dungeons and Dragons

MEDIA I HAVE PLAYED/WATCHED

These are not all current but does not mean I am not down 2 chat about them!

Greys Anatomy

LoL/Arcane

JJBA

Hades

Gemini Home Entertainment, other internet horror series!!!,

madoka magica

HTTYD(animated)

Harry Potter

PjO

good omens

critical role + Vox Machina

and a lot more I forgor but like. There.

MUSIC ARTISTS I LURV

Saint Motel

Oingo Boingo

Orville Peck

Cake

Record Heat

Lord Huron

TV Girl

Bjork

Florence + the Machine

Portugal the Man

[brokendreamscreation-moved]

🎨🦀🐸

Personal Munday Meme!

🎨Are you neurodivergent or disabled? Anything that uniquely affects your RPing?

I was officially diagnosed with ADHD & autism in January! Funny that it took until I was 30 years old but I am so relieved to have an explanation as to why I am the way I am. I’ve always suspected, but never tested until recently. I also have anxiety, depression, OCD and several illnesses including Chronic Lyme Disease and hypothyroidism.

There are days I get pretty bad brain fog or too exhausted to reply. My memory is also real bad and I have to keep a Google sheet of who runs what blog, who’s mutuals only and if I’ve interacted with them. It can be disappointing when someone realizes I’ve forgotten a specific thread or detail about a muse and I feel bad about it. But for the most part, I don’t feel like I’m too affected by my symptoms when it comes to RP.

🦀 Name something that you probably wouldn't ever do, that is unlike yourself!

Oh gosh this is a hard one. I’m willing to do anything once, especially with a trusted mutual/friend if we plot it out. I really don’t like killing off muses, I get too attached to them haha.

🐸 Something that makes you smile for fandom reasons?

The headcanons and canon divergence makes me so happy to see in the fandom! The more creative liberties people take the more fascinating imo ^^ Right down to tiny details that most people may never consider. Tics, habits, small gestures and hobbies that a muse may have that adds that lil extra pizazz~

[wisteria-lodge]

badger primary + very burnt lion secondary (bird model)

Hi, I’m a Badger primary and stuck between Lion and Snake secondary. I model Bird and Badger over whatever my (probably pretty burnt) secondary is. Would you mind helping me figure it out?

As a kid, I remember being a total joker in class. I thought it was really funny to trick my friends. I got everyone to start chanting at the teacher once. I’d do something daring (for a first grader) like look up “sex” in the dictionary. It basically just said gender and I was confused about what all the fuss was 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Definitely see why you’re thinking Improvisational secondary. One of the old-school SHC bits of wisdom is that when proud rule-breaking is a personality trait, that’s usually the sign of a Lion secondary.

My mom didn’t want me reading all night so I hid flashlights under my bed and would pretend to sleep if she checked on me. I’d lie and would only feel bad about it if threatened with consequences. If I got in trouble, I’d lie or pretend I didn’t know what I’d been doing.

But I could also see Snake. Being very proud of your ability to lie or pretend is very Snake to me.

In middle school, my learning disability really began to show and I started having anxiety and possibly PTSD after 9/11. (I’m from NY). That’s when the Bird model kicked in.

As it does.

People at my new school didn’t get my humor and took my trolling literally and it was really uncomfortable. Honestly middle school sucked and most of what I remember is just snobby, awful social stuff.

I’m definitely getting Lion secondary here. You are YOU, it’s very important that you be you, and the problem is that other people don’t get you. Snake secondaries aren’t so binary.

Oh I did manage to get a teammate’s cell phone number and pranked them. And I hacked into someone’s AIM account. And one time I got in a fist fight with someone on a different team of mine and then we were best friends. Which is weird, looking back.

awww Lion secondaries making friends :D

High school was really hard because I had a really hard time with the schoolwork (learning disability was still undiagnosed) and with finding good friends. I got in trouble a few times for offending people by repeating things I didn’t know were offensive, I dressed up as someone kinda controversial for Halloween which is honestly still one of the highlights of my high school experience. I tricked this creepy guy who wouldn’t leave me alone and embarrassed him in front of the whole school. But wouldn’t ever insult someone to their face on purpose unless I completely lost my temper.

Obviously you can have a hot temper and not be a Lion secondary… but I’m already skewing in that direction, and everything you’re saying here is supporting it. Kind of getting a kick out of offending people (or making them uncomfortable) is VERY Lion secondary.

I joined the Political Union club and didn’t really debate because I’m terrible at it.

Lion secondaries tend to be pretty bad at formal debate. That’s more a built secondary thing. Great at giving speeches, though :)

I just watched everyone argue and trolled people. I remember one meeting, people started throwing books at each other and it was amazing. That “agent of chaos” answer on the quiz is me haha.

The “agent of chaos” answer is the Lion secondary answer.

I knew the perfect way to get this one teacher to go off on a tangent about the Soviet Union for the entire lesson. I couldn’t keep up with the schoolwork so I’d BS a lot of it and manage to get by. Participation was key to your grade so I’d read just enough to discuss parts of it and then just make throwaway funny comments and ask good questions to beef up my contributions.

I’d say that gaming the system in this particular way (which I completely support) actually sounds like you Bird secondary model. Which makes sense, if the *purpose* of that model is to help you out in an academic setting.

I think I burned after a traumatic event at the end of my senior year. I started modeling Badger secondary hard. Basically just be sweet and helpful and everything will be fine, right? When that did not, in fact, make everything be fine, I pulled out the manipulation to make damn sure people were on my side.

I’m interested in what you mean by “manipulation.” Because while that’s normally a Snake secondary word, I’m not getting Snake Secondary from you. I suspect you may actually parse your Bird secondary as “manipulation,” which is sort of unusual.

I did still troll sometimes, but I haven’t felt playful and fun in so long. I’ve been really depressed over the last few years about some serious medical problems that can’t really be resolved. I just feel flat like a car stuck in park.

Oh ouch. Yeah, that’s a burnt secondary all right.

I’m scared of failing. I’m scared people won’t like me or that I’ll get in trouble. I don’t have the energy to lie convincingly or put on a show but I also don’t feel safe enough to be blunt. I’m reluctantly forcing myself to be diplomatic while screaming inside.

This is portrait of a Burnt Lion secondary. You’re afraid of failing, but failing is necessary and important to Lions. It’s how they change direction. “Being yourself” had gotten you into trouble and made some people not like you, so you’re scared about going there again. You want to be blunt, but it’s too scary. Instead you’re being diplomatic and putting on a show, both things you define as “lying” (very Lion secondary) but it’s incredibly energy consuming.

I don’t know how to go back to how I was. (I am trying to find a good therapist but it’s hard to find one who specializes in all the things I need, not to mention a good fit personality-wise). When I’m not Like This, I can be really charming. I miss it. 

Well, a therapist is the first step. I guess my tiny little piece of advice in the meantime, is find a place in your life where you *can* use your lion again. Make that place as tiny and as low-stakes as you need to. Maybe you have an anonymous blog where you shit-post. Maybe you bring out your Lion for just one person. Maybe go to a weekend convention - if it’s three days with people you never see again, who cares if you get in trouble or offend something. Check out the SHC discord server, and see if any of the other burnt Lionsecs have tips. I know Lions are very all-or-nothing, but I’m a Badger. Baby steps are steps.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #303

“if i can’t be loved, then i’ll be hated”

What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Candy corn or conversation hearts? They're both gross, don't make me pick between garbage. Do you own a lot of earrings? Not really after I weeded them out before moving. What did your backpack in high school look like? I dare say I had the dopest backpack of them all. It looked like a massive Ouija board, and the zipper was the planchet (sp?). Have you ever been to a rave? Nah. What is your favorite art medium? I have a particular fondness of oil paintings. They tend to look so smooth, and you can achieve incredible realism with them. How far away is the nearest hospital from you? Not even five minutes, I think. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My mom. What is your favorite car color? Pink, duh. How did you learn to type? We actually had a class specifically for typing in middle school. What style of wedding dress do you want? I don't have that set in stone yet, but I really do love ballgown dresses with long trains as well as a-lines with a moderate train. I love a lot, except really for mermaid dresses. Do you fit into any stereotype, or are you non-stereotypical? I don't know if I fit perfectly into any and really don't care. Would you want your first child to have your hair color? ???? I don't care about their hair lol?????? It would depend on the hypothetical father, in which case I'd probably find it cute, but this is so, so unimportant. Do you enjoy writing in cursive? Yeah, it just feels good and flowy to me. What is your favorite hair color? Natural? Probably blonde with natural darker undertones throughout. I like blonde hair because it's far easier to dye, haha. Now, if we're including DYED hair, rose gold or pastel pink is *chefs kiss* What is your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue, probz. Would you put your birthday on a different day if you could? Nah, it's fine where it is. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Valentine's. Do you vent on social media a lot? NOOOOOOOO. I barely post ANYTHING about myself on social media because I feel like I'm being annoying, self-absorbed, find anything I do actually interesting, or don't want people to think I'm a whiner. All I ever really do on social media is share or reblog funny shit, things I love, stuff I find relatable or inspirational, educational, important for whatever reason, etc... Do you have abusive parents? I am very thankful to say no. Is your house haunted? Doesn't seem like it. What's your favorite thing to watch on YouTube? I'm in a real WoW-related phase lately... Watching my favorite streamers, gold farming guides, and other various aspects of the game. What are five health problems that you have? I talk about the mental issues enough, so I guess I'll talk about physical stuff here. Uhhh I have very low blood pressure (it's a med side effect), I have extremely weak legs following muscle atrophy, I have bad tremors, especially in my hands (amplified by medication once again), maybe TMI but we're adults here and it's a legit issue that I have chronic and severe conspitation, aaaand then of course I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) to a fucking outrageous and also humiliating degree. Ooooonce again as a prescription side effect. This answer made meds sound kinda bad, I know, but really, I'd rather have the will to live and just have to deal with these than want to die everyday and not. Do you have surgery coming up? No, let's keep it that way until I lose enough weight and when I am 110% getting loose skin removal. Which family member(s) do you look the most like? My sisters, ig. People say my mom also, but I honestly don't see it. Have you ever cried while watching a YouTube video? Yeah, usually just in let's plays, but it's happened for other reasons. Are you missing a website that just shut down? Nah, none that I know of. NO. FUCKING WAIT. So, when my laptop was fixed, a LOT of shit was wiped from it, and that included all of my goddamn Lightroom editing presets. The site they were from no longer exists, so I had to use a different, pretty sub-par one to install at least a few because it helps me get a start on editing the photograph and leaning towards the "vibe" I want before spending like 15+ minutes tuning it myself. Would you be a barefoot bride? No. Which would you rather name your daughter: Eliana, Echo, Emerald, or Ellery? Ohhh, I like these. I think I prefer "Eliana," but "Echo" is a close second. "Ellery" is nice, but it sounds too much like "celery" to name my kid that lmao. Which would you rather name your son: Maverick, Matthew, or Moses? Ugh, none, honestly. But "Matthew" wins. When was the last time you gave a speech? Like a *legit" speech? Probably not since uhhh... I guess when I argued my disability case at court? Does that even count? Have you ever been in a stampede? Well, never seen this'n in a survey before, so good job, lol. No. If you were a fairy, what color would you like your wings to be? It would depend on what I wore, really. And my hair. But probably light pink. Would you rather name your son Storm, Skylar, Sorin, or Solomon? "Sorin." "Skylar" is SO Southern, and "Solomon" sounds like the creepy kid all his classmates avoid and I ain't putting my kid through that. Did you read a devotional this morning? Not my jam. Would you rather be named Arizona, Alaska, Cali, or Georgia? Hm... "Alaska" is actually kinda cool???? And I'm white as fuck so lol????? I wouldn't mind to nickname of "Ally," anyway. Are you repulsed by ugly reptiles? lololol bro get out Did all your friends know about your first crush or was it a secret? I was definitely secretive and shy about it when I first started getting crushes. Do you ever feel insecure about going out without makeup? I feel insecure either way, so... How many different natural hair colors are there in your immediate family? So, this is a hard question to answer. My mom was born with brown hair, but it darkened to almost black; only her daughter Katie inherited that. By some genetic magic, Dad had blond hair as a kid, but it also turned black. Like... how?????? I was born with dirty blonde hair like him, and mine turned an average brown with age. My immediate sisters have always had brown hair. What is your favorite online game? World of Warcraft is ballin'. Would you ever want to be famous and sign autographs? Ha, the idea of signing autographs is awful... I can't physically write very long without my carpal tunnel flaring up. Do you like your shirt to be loose or tight? LOOSE. Especially as a bigger person, tight shirts are just really uncomfortable. What is your favorite Spanish name? I don't know nearly enough to answer this. Would you rather visit Asia or Europe? I think Asia is, in general, more interesting and prettier as a whole, but I guess I'm drawn to European culture being more like my own and there are specific locations I'm interested in, like Germany or Scotland. So to answer the question, I guess Europe wins. Are there any Asians in your family? I don't believe so. Have you ever had colored braces? Haha yeah, I did that when I had them. Do you take birth control pills? Yes, just for period cramps. Without them, they can be immobilizing for me. If you live in the USA: do you feel free and safe? Ha, no. Well, not *entirely*. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? I was recovering from the stomach virus, if that counts. As in I still got sick the day before and felt iffy on my actual bday. 17th, I think? Is talking about your past painful for you? Yes. Are you a member of any support groups online? I'm a member of The Mighty site, if that counts. When I'm feeling very, very sound of mind and helpful without all the negativity being a detriment to myself, I do like going on there and trying to help or comfort people. Have you ever called a suicide hotline? Yes, and the line was busy, and that's when I decided I was a goner. Do you ever fantasize about revenge? I uhhhhh... sometimes. What's a movie you would recommend to someone who never watches movies? Ohhh, that's hard. I don't really watch movies either, and I'm trying to think of one that essentially anyone would like, so hm. Oh, Coco is absolutely a possibility. That movie touched me so, so deeply and is high on my favorites list. It's impossible to not feel the emotions. Do you want to have grandkids? Hell, I don't want kids. Do you want to be an aunt or uncle? I already am one, and I love being an aunt. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I don't remember their names or characters in general. Did you make a lot of home videos growing up? I mean *I* didn't, but Mom filmed quite a few. Do you enjoy babysitting? NO. What's an unpopular opinion that you have? Avoiding some political ones, uhhhh. OH. HERE'S ONE. THE SCENE AESTHETIC IS FUCKING CUTE AND NOT CRINGEY AND YOU CAN FIGHT ME ABOUT IT. Are you attracted to the opposite gender, same gender, or both? Both are A+. Was your first crush on someone of the same gender or opposite? Opposite. As a kid, I didn't even fathom the concept that women could date women. What is something you'll never eat again? Why? Brussel sprouts. Fucking disgusting. What is currently happening that is scaring you? Besides the very obvious answer of "Covid," I worry about my mom a lot. She's so weakened after all the chemo and meds and can do literally less than I can without heavily breathing and sweating. I just worry a lot that cancer will return sooner than we hope; I don't want it to EVER come back, but doctors say it is very, very likely at one point or another because she was so very close to Stage 4. What would be your personal hell? Being completely and entirely isolated forever while somewhere hot and humid, lol. And play one of my trigger songs on repeat eternally. What made the "weird kid" at your school weird? There was this poor guy named Alfred that was VERY clearly depressed out of his mind, and I heard him speak maybe once through all of high school, and the entire class couldn't believe it. He always sat way in the back and never smiled. I wonder how he is nowadays. What is a word you personally find offensive? "Retarded" personally offends me the most when misused and spoken as an insult. What instantly puts you to sleep? Now that is HARD to do; I have a ridiculously hard time going to sleep. The easiest way though would probably be me being drained from an emotional breakdown. That is so exhausting that I'm capable of crashing pretty fast and hard. What song is in a language you don't speak, but you love it anyway? I adore Rammstein, so there's plenty. I'll probably say "Donaukinder" is their best. What is something you would like to do if you weren’t judged for doing it? I keep that I RP a complete secret in my "real" life for this reason unless it's like, pried out of me. What's a movie you think everyone should watch? Why that one? Johnny Got His Gun. See how goddamn disgusting war is. What was the most unexpected good thing that's ever happened to you? Ha, realizing I was bisexual after once being homophobic. What is the funniest fact you know? Oh man, I know a lot of random trivia shit, really, so it's hard to say. Maybe that quokkas throw their offspring at predators to distract and escape from them... As awful as that is, c'mon, you gotta admit it's funny and shocking with just how adorable they are. What was your 'mic drop' moment? Oh, I don't know. Possibly when I publicly came out as bi on Facebook and made it abundantly clear that I gave no shits about some homophobic friends and family & I was beyond willing to let anyone's ass go over it. What's the kindest way a stranger has treated you? I remember as a kid at McDonald's, the woman in front of our car paid for our food; apparently seeing a mom, dad, and three kids in a van was enough that she wanted to just be kind and give us a smile. We have no idea who she was, never saw her face or anything, she was just a sweet woman. What is the biggest design flaw of your body? Okay, I'm going to let go of all hatred for my body weight-wise and just think of this as from a strictly natural design perspective, in which case I'd say my toes are too small. What age are you afraid of turning and why? 30, because I'm terrified of getting there and seeing I've possibly gone nowhere. What is the strangest thing you have ever felt? I'm keeping this question in just because I think there could be some interesting answers for others, but I'm witholding my answer because nobody wants or needs to know lmao. What makes someone immediately unlikable? Acting better than others and belittling. Who's a villain you sympathize with and why? D A R K I P L I E R because of his origins and overall purpose and just simply existing. What is something you regret to NOT have done? I have this oddly weird regret of not going like, all-all the way with He Who Shall Not Be Named????? Idk why though????? Considering I loved him way too much and I was a reckless and impulsive person who probably at some point would have wound up accidentally pregs????? What a fuckin trip that woulda been. What movie changed your life for the better? None have really "changed my life." What book you think should be directed as a film? Oh, idk. Most I can think of have been. Of all the decades you've lived in, which one have you liked best? The 2000s, probably. A carefree kid. How are you doing today? I'm exhausted. While out with Mom and my sisters yesterday, we got behind a van whose driver was obviously drunk or high off his goddamn ass, and he was swerving EVERYWHERE, nearly shoving so many cars off the road. Mom called 911 to get in contact with highway patrol to report his dumb fucking ass in. I was having an absolute panic attack and cried quietly like the entire 45 or so minute drive home. I was just so, so upset because this is why I don't fucking drive, and I felt like I'd made my sister (who was driving) mad because she had to firmly tell me I had to calm down (I was hyperventilating and talking to myself to try to calm down) if she was going to focus and keep us safe. She later ensured me she wasn't mad, but I still wasn't the same the entire rest of the day. Anyway, I slept hard last night but had two nightmares, so I'm still really tired today. I'm trying to keep myself really distracted. What's something your relatives don't know about you? A whole lot really, considering beyond my very immediate family, I see almost nobody because they live many states away. What's something your parents did, which you have sworn never to do? Mom would spank us or slap an arm pretty hard if my sisters or I misbehaved or "disrespected" her by "talking back." I'm not having kids, but I would never, ever, ever, put my hands on them in any way that isn't loving. You do not teach children via inflicting fear. I also have this probably overly strong aversion to beer because that's what Dad always drank as an alcoholic. I'll probably never try it, not that I really want to because it smells awful. What's the most annoying thing your pet does? I feel like "annoying" is the wrong word for this, but Roman (my cat) can be incredibly demanding of attention and to lie on me when I'm on the laptop in bed, and sometimes I just want space and be able to clearly see the screen, haha. He will legit meow like a baby and gently swat my arm sometimes if I try to keep him back. Heeee usually gets his way. As for Venus (snek), she does nothing "annoying" either, but rather a bit concerning to a snake mom: she is usually very slow to find and strike her food. I feed her frozen/thawed mice, and she will first slither around her entire cage, tongue flicking and clearly looking for her food, even though I always place it atop the same spot on her hide, and she can have her head RIGHT beside it and still do nothing. She ultimately generally eats (as a ball python though, she's a picky eater and will occasionally reject a meal), but I of course wonder why she's odd about dinnertime... As a champagne, she does have the notorious "spider gene" in her, which can cause neurological issues, but idk if something like this could be related.

[jossujb]

I have mentioned plenty of times in my Tumblr that I have paraphilias and stuff in a kinda haha how funny manner, but it’s like, kinda far from being particularly funny.

Fetishes and paraphilias these days aren’t considered mental disorders anymore, unless they cause distress and complications in your daily life. Which is neither here or there with me... I can tell you that I have a lot of really messed up thoughts and it makes me feel very guilty, and that’s why it’s also very difficult to have relationships and friends.

Cos you know. You can’t switch a paraphilia off? It’s not just liking something, for me it’s more of a compulsory thought underneath.

When people ask me about my fandoms and shipping and things like that that do I just grossly fetishize everything and and does everything have to be sexual all the time that makes me feel really uncomfortable and that I can’t be accepted. Cos yeah, every drawing that I make and fic that I write is more or less fetishistic.  That’s the definition you know, making something sexual that isn’t inherently so. It does not turn off from me cos I say so.

I would personally call this a mental disorder cos it does interfere my life in a way that’s I feel like is disabling my social skills, but you know.

Anyway. Not that you particularly need or care for the inner workings of my psyche, just felt like venting about it cos it’s huge depression factor in my life. Maybe that gives you some explanations on behavior I have expressed in past.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What's the most beautiful thing you've seen in the last week? Snapchats/IG stories my cousin posted of the ocean while she was there earlier this week.

What is beauty, in your opinion? Something you find aesthetically pleasing.

What's your favorite brand of potato chip?  Original Ruffles and ranch dip is quite good. Of all the bands you hate, which do you hate the least? I can’t think of any band I hate. There’s bands I don’t like because I just don’t vibe with their music, but I don’t hate them. Do you believe it is possible to know something that's false?  Yes?

Does man have free will? Yes.  How many people have you ever dated? Two. Would you rather do evil or have evil done to you? Uh, neither... Who's better, Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera?  I like songs from both of them.  How many friends do you have? Zero. What's worse, algebra or geometry? I hate math, period. We didn’t vibe. Are you a vegetarian of any sort?  Nope. What's your sexual orientation? Straight. Who do you look up to? My mom. Should art that does not represent anything be considered art at all? Anything can be considered art. Just because it might not represent anything to you, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t. People can look at the same thing and see something totally different. Have you ever... Literally wanted to kill someone? Stayed up all night...two nights in a row? Had a near-death experience? Been obsessed with a celebrity? Believed a person to be perfect in every way? <<< Only Jesus. Been hated by the people at an online forum? Planned your own suicide? Had an overwhelming religious experience? Fainted? Had an imaginary friend? Been windsurfing? Volunteered for an organization without having been forced into doing so? Wanted something so badly you'd sell your soul for it? Seen something so disgusting you puked? <<< Pretty damn close. Changed your mind about something important three times in one day? Written anything longer than twenty pages (typed, single-spaced)? Read anything longer than one thousand pages (in one day)? Felt as if you could do anything? Taken a friend on a family trip? Attended a Marxist gathering? Memorized the lyrics to the Internationale? Witnessed a solar eclipse? Fallen asleep during class? Been away from your family for more than six weeks? Which of the following best describes you Simple/Sophisticated Altruistic/Selfish Smart/Dumb <<< Kinda smart, kinda dumb. I feel I’m just average. Cute/Ugly Reader/Writer Math nerd/history buff <<< Neither. Into sports/Into music Unwavering/Impulse Serious/Funny Favorite Type of animal: Dogs and giraffes. Word:  *shrug* Number:  8. Music video: I’ll say Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi video because it has Alexander Skarsgard haha. TV show:  I have several. Philosopher:  I don’t have one. Video/computer game: Mario Bros anything pretty much, Animal Crossing: New Horizons, and The Sims.  Sport (to play):  None. Sport (to watch):  None. Living political figure:  I don’t have one. Work of art:  The Scream by Edvard Munch. Month of the year:  October and December. Name:  Alexander. Calculator:  Uh, I don’t have a favorite calculator. I just use the one on my phone if I need one. Comic strip:  Peanuts.

Enemy:  I don’t have any enemies. If I did, I don’t think I’d have a favorite one... Year of your life:  I’ll give you a decade: the 90s. Teacher:  I’m not in school anymore.

Restaurant:  Wingstop. Textbook: Do you crave adventure?  I’d like to travel. I really could use a vacay. Do you wear glasses?  Yep. What's the purpose of your life?  I haven’t figured that out, yet. Do you have moral integrity? Yes. Do you like your family?  Yes, I love my family. Do you like yourself? No. :/ Would you ever respond "Yes" to the question "Are you hungry or full?"  No? Your religion? Christian. What do you care about most in your life?  God and my family. Have you heard the term "Luddite?"  Uhh, nope. Have you ever been elected a class officer?  No. Do you get good grades? I’m done with school now, but yeah I got A’s and B’s. Do you litter?  NO. Huge pet peeve of mine. Just throw it away!  Are you a paragon of virtue? A what? Okay, so I Googled it and it’s a term for someone who describes themselves as being perfect and having no faults or imperfections; often used sarcastically and ironically. I am certainly no such person, no one is, and I wouldn’t even say I was joking cause just no. I clearly have faults and imperfections. I know people who would use that term about themselves, though. What is virtue, in your opinion?  Having to do with morals. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? How long have you been together? Why do you like him/her? Nope. Is incest wrong?  Yes. Do you have a calendar of any sort?  Yeah, I have a physical one and the one on my phone. What time is it?  6:04AM. Tell me something interesting. I got nothin’. Do you cuss?  Not a lot, but yes.

Are you bilingual(/trilingual/quadrilingual, if that's a word/etc.)?  No. I wish.

Are you mentally ill? I have major depression and anxiety. Does mental illness exist?  Uh, yeah it absolutely does. Ever fallen in love online? No, but in 6th grade I had an online boyfriend I met in a teen chatroom lmao. I would say I was like 16 or 18. I shouldn’t laugh cause it’s very likely the guy was probably an old perv. Who is John Galt?  I don’t know. How many songs are on your playlist?  I have no idea, but it’s a shit ton. What's your favorite singer/band? Linkin Park is definitely my top favorite band, but I have many favorite artists and bands. List three favorite songs. That’s too hard. Do you approve of math jokes?  I probably wouldn’t even get them, ha.

How about "your mom" jokes? Not a fan. Are you addicted to online surveys?  Yeah, you could say that. Are you addicted to anything else? Caffeine :O <<< Same. Do you have any anti-technological tendencies?  No. Are you bored?  Nah. Who do you despise?  Evil, sick, disturbing people. If you could cure one social ill, what would it be?  Child abuse. If you were dictator of the US, what's the first thing you would do? I wouldn’t want to be a dictator, for one. Also, I wouldn’t want to be in control in any kind of way over the country. How many kids would you like to have? Zero. What's the biggest lie you've told within the past two weeks? I haven’t told any huge lies in the past two weeks. Do you have AOL?  No. I haven’t had AOL since like 2004. Do you consider yourself a loser? “Soy un perdedor, I’m a loser, baby.” Are you putting off something important to take this survey?  Sleep? It’s 6:22AM, but sadly that’s become the norm for me this year. If you could change the design on the American flag, how would it look? I’ll leave it the way it is.   Why do you believe children like stuffed animals? Because they're soft and cuddly. <<< Would you rather die or have ten random strangers die?  Wtf. Do you believe nuclear weapons should be eliminated? Absolutely. Education? What about it? I think it’s very important if that’s what you mean. Slavery? Of course not!  Do you deliberately cause physical harm to yourself?  In a way I have since I don’t take care of myself like I should. I’ve neglected and ignored things I shouldn’t have.  Are definitions for losers?  No?? We need to know the meaning of words... Summarize yourself in one word.  Blah. Do you have any pets?  I have a doggo!  Ever had a blood transfusion?  I’ve had a few. Who was your first crush?  This kid named Philip when I was in the 3rd grade. When did you have it?  Oh. ^^^ What's your earliest memory? Preschool memories come to mind first. Are you listening to anything right now? Yeah, an ASMR video. Are you a good writer? People have said that I am, *shrug*  Are you physically disabled in any way?  Yes, I’m a paraplegic. Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?  I guess a leg out of the two. As someone who relies on their arms for everything, I really need those. I’d like to keep all my limbs; though, thanks. Are you easily amused?  Yeah, you could say that. Are you socially inept? I’m socially awkward, is that the same? Who's your favorite fictional character?  Eric Northman. Where will you be in twenty years? Gah, I can’t think about that. Do you remember the 1996 election?  No. I turned 7 that year , I didn’t pay attention to that stuff. I was a kid, I cared about kid stuff. Do you remember anything that happened in 1996?  I remember I got the chicken pox. Is it worse to be considered unfeeling or irrational?  I’d say both. What's the greatest sports team of all time? I really don’t care about sports at all. What turns you on/off? It’s been so long, who knows. Do you get angry over little things? No, but I do get very irritable and frustrated quite easily. If you could have one wish (other than more wishes), what would it be? Good health. Do you enjoy hypothetical questions? Ehh, depends.

How much will you accept without proof? Uhhh. Ever dumped someone?  Yes.

Ever beaten someone up?  No. Ever been addicted to drugs/alcohol/tobacco?  No. Who's your best friend?  My mom. Who's your second-best friend? My younger brother. Do you approve of democracy?  Yes.

[gumptin]

it took me 2 hours to get through skam france s5e5... and this is my review

- arthur said I Can Be A Dumbass Even In Lsf Class

- THE RABBIT FACE I HATE IT

- he truly can’t go five seconds without making a dumb joke i love him

- that guy next to him said Bitchy Rights

- BRUV LSF WILL BE USEFUL WHEN YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER

- oh she literally said that hahahahahh

- is it weird if i say arthur’s mom is... kinda a milf

- taking away arthur’s glasses was the worst decision the writers made this season

- awwww arthur’s dad is here to ruin his life again

- i would have literally hit that bitch arthur has so much restraint

- omg this is just like high school musical ITS NOT MY DREAM DAD ITS YOURS

- why didn’t he slam the door that would have been so powerful of him

- basile went STRAIGHT to kidnapping... not even “maybe his phone is broken” nope! kidnapping!

- arthur thinks he’s the unusual one but it’s lucas with that hair that really stands out

- haha funny joke guys really funny let’s scare the deaf kid

- bruh do they not have a disabilities act in france?? bc universities shouldn’t be allowed to deny admission solely based on a disability??????????

- basile is going to pass out from running i just know it

- using your disability to get out of doing things.... King!

- lucas is so mfing stupid he should have said some physical injury not APPENDICITIS

- i too am allergic to sweat

- i too had a lot of zeros in high school

- emma is the most relatable character in this show

- “why don’t you do shit?” it’s called depression hunny

- okay now i want them to be best friends Let’s Go Emma And Arthur Warriors

- HA MAGNUS AND MAHDI HAHAHJAA I GET IT

- i already love melchior and laura

- the new x men..... i would watch it

- BASILE IS TRYING SO HARD I CANT STOP LAUGHING

- ah so that’s where the insta videos of them jamming came from.... we love helpful boys

- He Said AT LEAST IM TRYING...... try harder

- jk

- okay don’t kill me but noée is kind of a manic pixie dream girl

- bro that’s lit as hell they just be skatin

- oh no they holding hands

- oh yes they holding hands

- YOU👏ARE👏NOT👏YOUR👏DISABILITY👏👏👏

- i’m literally laying on my bedroom floor smiling at the ceiling that was so cute.... but also yikes

- lucas eating a banana i am holding back a joke you already know what it is

- something seems.... sus

- AH FUCK ITS THE PRINCIPAL

- just throw the joint off the roof

- whoever translated it as “smoke drugs” thankyou

- me and the boys smoking drugs

- arthur and alexia are so CUTE i hate this love triangle but i also live for it

- bro he’s adapting to being deaf now!!! we love to see it!

- alexia’s dancing is so cute omg 🥺🥺🥺

- OH FUCK

- okay this is emotional but the way that the gang is dancing......... absolute crackheads

final thots: please give me one crumb of eliott or sofiane content PLEASE!! also this love triangle is stressing me out i don’t even know what to think at this point tbh

[bloosasks]

I know I talk about it a lot and never follow through with it, but I think I might actually leave Tumblr this time...

tl,dr at the bottom

This website took over a lot of my developmental years since I was allowed to do just whatever as a child on the internet (both my parents worked full time jobs to support us, so whatever kept me occupied while they were away was allowed). While I understand that is more on me than them, of course an impressionable child is going to enjoy the meme blogging website when they have zero other frame of reference for things and how they should/could be. It was at a time where everyone here glorified being depressed and spending all your time alone on this hellsite without question, pushing people away, being angry for no reason, etc. I often wonder what I’d be like if I never had been exposed to all this. 

On top of that it’s a fucking social media site designed to keep you refreshing and scrolling until your mind goes numb like all the others. Memes about ‘lol funny haha I wanna fucking die fr isn’t that funny :)’ and people who have just like. Given up. Screw the future, having plans, close friends, stuff like that. I know it isn’t just here, but damn if my dash isn’t full of it 24/7. Even after I unfollowed a ton of major offenders, it still weasels its way in.

While I respect the outlook of ‘I’m just here for the ride’ since, like, a bunch of stuff in life is actually shit, there’s a point where like. Your own inactivity and indecision is still your choice. You still have a hand in your life whether you feel in control or not. Obviously there are situations you can’t control (episodes, illness, trauma, disabilities, etc) but there is still a point where your own actions can make some kind of difference. All I see now is just a place to wallow in self pity. ‘Things won’t get better bc 30,000 people in the notes say it won’t’. ‘no one offers a scenario where it gets better so I should just stop trying even though I haven’t made an attempt.’

And I also understand that I can ignore it all. Not even look at my dash. Just focus on the side blogs and all that. But then again, what’s the point? It’s walking on eggshells to post nsfw as anything other than writing, and even the ask blog I feel has kinda... run its course? Not too many interesting topics left to talk about imo. As soon as tumblr became more restrictive, my passion for art kinda tapered off, too. Or maybe it’s just me settling down into other interests more, or focusing on my job more. I’ve finished the rough draft for the romance novella, so I know I wanna keep working on that. Maybe try to make something of myself as an author? 

Who knows, but it’s something I feel I won’t get to by staying here. Wallowing, reading through edgy depressive memes, and letting myself down by just like... essentially wasting my time just is no bueno. 

tl,dr - this place has become more bleak and I probably am just gonna leave for a long while bc it really doesn’t offer much to me beneficially anymore. I’m tired of being in a rut like I’ve been in for so long. 

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[goth-giraffe]

Not-so-quick guide to my OCs that I sometimes talk about here! xD So... Echo and Meredith, really. Plus a bonus one! Plus new art! :D

Warning, this is gonna be long so I put it under a cut :)

Anyway, because he’s the one that will definitely be mentioned most here, let’s start with..

Echo~

(I didn’t say anything about the quality of the new art xD)

Echo is my persona/self insert character..... he’s really just an alternate version of me (I like to think he’s my Alola form :3)

And like me he’s lonely so he has imaginary friends to keep him going, his current one being Loki ‘cause my current obsession is Loki

Echo is kinda hard to explain because everything about him fluctuates depending on my mood.. there are different versions of him and he doesn’t exactly have a set story or universe.. (For instance I didn’t create him specifically to hang out with Loki, but when I needed a friend I gave him Loki as an imaginary one)

Anyway! Some basic facts! He’s ace/aro, and agenderfluid (questioning?), with he/him pronouns (they/them is safe too though)

Kinda short, 5′2″ ish

Around my age, 17-20, but the mental age of anywhere from 8-17 ish.... he’s always kind of childish but how extreme varies from moment to moment

He’s AFAB but I usually draw him flat-chested because I use him as a way to combat dysphoria so, should anyone else want to draw him, best to draw him flat-chested

Loves trying on clothes! (Mainly because I like a lot of clothes but pretty much exclusively wear pajamas so... yeah I use my OCs as models)

Quiet, non-verbal in some versions (in which case he’ll write in a notepad to communicate), very shy

Sometimes makes clicking noises to calm himself

Daydreams a lot, also sleeps a lot

Gets upset over dumb things... and he’s scared of everything

Doesn’t really like being touched but sometimes snuggles Loki when he’s upset

He’s probably autistic

Probably also has borderline personality disorder.. but I’m unsure about giving him the disorders I think I have, because I don’t actually have a diagnosis (scared of doctors).. nonetheless, a lot of the symptoms that come with those disorders, he has

Likes to draw and his muse is Loki

Likes bugs, especially butterflies

Collects rocks

Eats goldfish crackers

Has really bad posture

Okay at this point I’m just adding random facts about me which is probably weird idk xD I don’t know what more to say about him soo yeah... this is my weird persona

aand next up-

Meredith~

(I liked how this art turned out tbh and I might repost it on my other blog..)

Meredith is an OC insert specifically for Marvel Cinematic Universe

She’s dating Loki, and you’ll find a lot more about her and Loki at @cuddly-loki​! (It’s my blog specifically for them! :D)

Buuuut I do mention her here occasionally because I love her (and there are definitely traces of her from when this blog was cuddly-loki), so I’m including her in this :3

She’s not really into labels but she is kinda gendermeh, I think of her as a nonbinary woman (...or soft butch, but I call her that mostly when Loki happens to swap genders), but she just uses she/her pronouns

Again, meh about labels but she has dated both feminine and masculine people, and she doesn’t really experience physical attraction the same as most people

Kinda goth, dresses mostly in greyscale colours and in kind of goth/punk clothes I guess (also, she prefers androgynous clothes)

Really affectionate with people close to her, close friends and her boyfriend of course :3 (mild PDA does not make her uncomfortable but it sure does irritate Loki)

Quiet, but not shy- she’ll talk to anyone probably but she’d rather watch them until it makes them uncomfortable xD

Once you get past the being weird or goth to creep you out though, she’s very soft and pretty nice (even if still a little dark)

She’s an aspiring musician.. sorta. She plays violin and loves music.. but also has a weird relationship with music, we’ll just leave it at that for now

Works night shift as a bartender

Likes horror movies

Favourite food is pizza

Loves birds

Doesn’t like technology very much

She has a lineup of mental disorders too I’m sure, she’s an ex junkie for one and likes to feel numb to things.. 

Also has persistent insomnia, either related to her depression or depression meds, who knows

Lives in her apartment with a couple plants and Loki, who is still adjusting to Earth life

Like mentioned above you can find more of Meredith at my blog @cuddly-loki​ and if you ask questions about her or her and Loki I will probably be very happy :)

Side note: Meredith is not meant to be a self insert but we do have things in common, and I’d probably get along with her. She’s pretty chill and gets along with most people though haha

A little bonus one, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned her here before but just in case

Gwyneth~

(Okay this turned out a little messy but ehh. It was kind of just from memory, I might have still had references for her but I lost them when my jumpdrive quit so meh)

She’s a dead character that I don’t use anymore and won’t be using anymore but on the off chance I’ve mentioned her or do mention her, I’ll go ahead and add her to this as a little bonus

I created her when I first started obsessing over Loki, and she was a self insert I used to selfship romantically with him... it was okay for a brief time but in the end I hated it. It’s hard to explain, kind of personal.. but for one thing, I’m pretty sure I’m aromantic. I love soft romance stuff but I don’t really want to be part of it.

...And that’s why I killed Gwyneth and created Meredith ehehe

I’m gonna talk about her a little anyway, for one, she was an artist/painter

She liked to take pictures of strangers to paint them and I’m pretty sure that’s how she met Loki (AKA the weirdo on the sidewalk in the all black suit)

I honestly don’t remember what her actual income came from, maybe she was on disability, Idk

Anyway she was a mess. Severely depressed. Couldn’t really keep herself together.

She hid behind jokes and sarcasm though, so no one really knew how bad she was (even Loki, for a time)

She would climb trees which annoyed Loki a little bit, turns out trickster gods don’t enjoy having to climb trees just to talk to their girlfriends

Wore a trench coat as kind of a comfort item (because that’s what I did at that time)

Often got lost in daydreams...

Scared of most things...

Yeah you’ll notice she’s a lot like Echo (even the hair- pbbt). I’ve had a lot of self inserts over the years, killed off when my anxiety convinced me I was being cringey or when they didn’t feel like me anymore.. with Gwyneth it was maybe a tiny bit those things but also other stuff, like being aromantic questioning. Creating Echo was a new start for me because it was more of an exploration of where I’m comfy gender-wise... and, unlike most of my other self inserts, I don’t really age him up. But most importantly... he’s very emotionally messy but he doesn’t hide it (or else he doesn’t hide it well) because one of my things is I need to at least pretend that people would still love me if they knew how sad and broken I am. So.. yes, Echo is a sensitive character, he upsets easily and he’s usually pretty sad.. but that’s kind of the point, because he’s still loved. 

.....Anyway sorry for going back to Echo. I don’t have a lot more to say about Gwyneth - she’s dead and not coming back - but she was a stepping stone to where I’m currently comfortable so, RIP Gwyneth I suppose :)

On the page I drew them on it’s kinda funny because it looks like Meredith and Echo are very uncomfortable that Gwyneth is there (which was only semi-intentional ehehe) 

Echo looks cautiously curious but Meredith looks very awkward like “Oh.. so you’re back...” ..she’s hiding something... And Gwyneth’s like “So... how’s Loki been?” xD

All these characters are obviously kinda similar which is part of why I put them all here (....clearly I have an obsession with blue hair but shhh), also their connections to Loki, haha.... Meredith is definitely the most connected, Echo’s Loki isn’t real and Gwyneth is dead, so... yeah.

Anyway hopefully this was a little helpful. I might make better guides for Meredith and Echo sometime but for now this works. Also, always feel free to ask questions about them!! :)

[the-potter-analyst]

Chapter 12 - The Mirror of Erised

One can never have enough socks!!

Harry Potter and the Sacred Text word of the day: (White) Privilege

When I learned that this was the word that the hosts would use for chapter 12, I was.... intrigued to say the least about how they would connect the concept. But once again, I was amazed on what they found! Basically the invisibility cloak was a symbol for both having privilege and not having privilege. The original word(s) of the day is “white privilege” but the idea can also work for privilege in general, which is why I have white in parentheses. Just to put it out there, I’m an asexual black woman which right off the bat puts me at a disadvantage for the top categories of privilege lol, so this topic is something very close to home and I will not sugar coat anything. istg if I get any defensive replies or asks

The invisibility cloak having a double meaning around privilege is so fascinating to me. It reveals how invisibility can be good or bad depending if a person is privileged or not. For example, if you’re white, you will largely be ignored on the things you do; you can get away with almost anything. This is the positive side of the invisibility cloak, as Harry can roam around the castle without being noticed, particularly at night, and not be caught. On the flip side, a white person will be seen as an individual, their actions defining themselves and not an entire group. Alternatively, this is the complete opposite of any minority. Any black person walking down the street will be noticed because they are black, my people literally can’t do anything without the cops being called on them. And a black person’s actions ends up being a collective definition of the entire race. Like... a white shooter will always be talked about as an individual and the event being an isolated case. If the shooter is black or Arab or whatever? The media will spin it like the entire minority is evil. But if a black person is successful, their efforts are ignored. Can you name any black inventors? Because technology wouldn’t have been the same without them, yet you never learn about them in history books.

Harry notes that the cloak doesn’t stop him from being solid, which made me think about how being invisible and ignored in a negative way doesn’t make a person any less of a human, no matter how they may be treated as such. Just food for thought I guess.

Something Sacred Text host, Vanessa, said really struck me. She talked about how she was literally side stepped by someone so they could tap her black friend on the shoulder and compliment her outfit. And Vanessa, connecting it with invisibility and visibility, commented how the person probably (unintentionally) gave the compliment because her friend looked nice, for being black. And... I’ve never thought about that stuff quite in this way. I just assumed (white) people just tried to go out of their way to be nice to a black person, but to be honest I never gave much thought about it or its meaning in the first place. I get compliments from complete strangers everywhere for articles of clothing to my hair. Like just yesterday this white man walked up to me at a restaurant to say he loved my hair, which was in an afro. I’ve always thought it was weird to compliment random strangers like that, not in the way that you’re standing in line or something and compliment a girl’s purse who’s right in front of you, but literally walking up to someone who’s just minding their own business to do it. And cause this happened after listening to the podcast, I kept thinking is he trying to be encouraging to people with natural hair? does he really think his opinion is going to boost my self esteem like that? (normally I’d just brush it off and think that person’s weird) I know that wasn’t his intentions, but this is what those actions imply when it comes from a white person who’s a stranger.

Dumbledore says something that really holds true about privilege: “Strange how nearsighted being invisible can make you.” When you have it, you aren’t always aware of what your privilege gives you or what others without it experience. Like for me, I admittedly don’t think about ADA regulations all the time because I have an abled body, so it’s not something that I personally have to worry about unless I get an injury. But someone in a wheelchair, someone with a cane, someone with an invisible disability has to think about these things, because that’s their life. They need an accessible doorway for example just to get in a building. As a female, I can’t go out alone at night or even the bathroom at a bar without worrying I might be assaulted, but this isn’t something that men have to think about. So next time you’re defensive about something that someone of a minority group says about your privilege, think about this quote. Think about how your privilege makes you nearsighted. And then fucking listen.

Another long post lol I can’t not rant about this topic The rest of the chapter will be analyzed under the cut.

I kinda wonder if Hermione wasn’t in Harry’s friend group, if he and Ron would be as motivated to find out who Nicolas Flamel was. Obviously the constant searching in the library was her idea lol, because that’s her thing. When she doesn’t know something, she consults books AKA goes to the library. Though I think because Harry knew he read the name somewhere, he would have been searching in books as his curiosity had hit an all time high, but it would’ve probably been limited to his school books. Ron probably would’ve only joined occasionally to help Harry out, or done the same and look through his own books. I find it funny that the trio only looked through books about modern or recently famous wizards, which makes sense because you don’t exactly expect someone to live over 600 years lol.

Christmas morning of Harry’s first year always gives me so much joy to read (and watch). He gets so excited that he has presents!! Even the 50 pence that the Dursley’s sent he responds with that’s friendly lmao. I will also never get over the fact that Mrs. Weasley, after learning from Ron that Harry didn’t expect to get presents, made him a goddamn sweater and some fudge 😭 I also love how the Weasleys basically adopt Harry, and it’s not just Mrs. Weasley, it’s Fred and George too. Fred pulls wizard crackers with Harry during Christmas dinner.... they played in the snow until they were cold and wet.... not to mention the twins look after him in Quidditch.

The contrast between Christmas morning and Christmas evening is so interesting to me. Harry wakes up to presents from many people, eats all he wants for dinner, spends the day having fun with the Weasleys, and then after an adventure with his invisibility cloak, finds the Mirror of Erised. And this scene is so heartbreaking. I can just feel the empty silence as Harry longingly looks at his family, I can feel his ache for the people he never got to know. The hosts brought up how white/western culture is very individualistic, but at the expense of feeling disconnect with one’s own heritage. I also want to add how the same disconnect happens with a diaspora. This topic is a little interesting when considering that there’s a widespread headcanon that Harry is half Indian or just poc, so the feeling of disconnect might be even more powerful.

For what Ron sees, I’ve said previously that Ron’s insecurity is being the odd one out in his family, the one who doesn’t have a special thing because all his older brothers have already done it. So in the Mirror, he sees himself being the best of all of them combined. And he’s alone. He wants to stand out. So far I’ve seen a lot of signs that Ron takes his family for granted, which I get since he’s 11 and one of the youngest in a large and loving family: he’s embarrassed about their class status, he pushes away his mother when she tries to clean dirt off his face, he tells Harry he can see family any old time. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing since Ron’s still fairly young though (he also didn’t resist being told to wear his Weasley sweater like Percy), but again and again we’ll see moments like this where it’s apparent that Ron and Harry’s desires are the complete opposite of each other. Ron is also less obsessive than Harry, which is why I think he had a bad feeling about the mirror  while Harry didn’t despite the two fighting over it while in the empty classroom. And he gets so worried about Harry! He tries to get him to eat, or play games, or even visit Hagrid, anything to get Harry out of his depressive state.

I wonder why the Mirror was moved to the empty classroom for anyone to stumble upon though. Maybe Dumbledore needed space to tamper with it? And the best time would be the holidays when most of the students were away? Why not do it in the Room of Requirement where is was probably kept before this? And was Dumbledore invisible every night while modifying the mirror? Or just to keep an eye on it? I can’t stop thinking about his comment on not needing a cloak to be invisible.

Small things

The Weasley twins bewitching snowballs to basically hit Voldemort ahaha

I will always laugh at the “Gred and Forge” joke xD

What time do they have Christmas dinner.... afterwards it says they spent a “happy afternoon” playing outside, which I don’t know if they would do at night when it’s cold and snowy lol. And being in Scotland, the sun will set pretty early. So was this actually a Christmas lunch? I’m so confused

ONE CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH SOCKS CAN I GET AN AMEN

hjsdfhsjkdf but actually, as an adult that’s all I want for Christmas (even though I have no room for them anymore haha)

Scabbers why are you sleeping on Harry’s pillow you creep

Special shout out to all the Hogwarts house elves that make Christmas magical, as well as every other day at Hogwarts :)

Previous: Chapter 11 - Quidditch

Next: Chapter 13 - Nicolas Flamel

[ladymusic600]

ET

My mom didn’t make a lot of money and my father left before i was born, I was already dealing with the shame of receiving free school lunches and the looks associated with that. Some of my school friends laughed and poked fun. They chuckled and I even joked about it with them. But for me, on the inside, it wasn’t funny at all. I know how tough it can be to use a soup spoon or button a shirt. I struggle with these seemingly easy, day-to-day tasks too. But I think it shows your true character to keep soldiering on and finding a way, day after day, to keep rising above the challenges. This is a nerve disorder causing uncontrollable shaking usually to the top half of the body. The tremors can make easy and everyday tasks so much more difficult. These tremors can make something as easy as feeding yourself, dressing yourself a challenge. A person with these tremors can have difficulty using a spoon or picking up a glass without spilling what is inside. This is something i have had sense birth. It truly does affect my entire body: my arms, hands, legs(which make me fall and trip), lips, stomach. It even affects my voice, which I find very stressful as it often sounds like I am about to cry when I am in a nervous situation- so phone calls would, naturally, be another source of anxiety for me as I was always worried the person on the other end of the phone would think I was upset. There are many factors that exasperate and intensify my tremor which include: anxiety, being hungry, being too tired, being too cold, being too hot, adrenaline, caffeine and the worst of all: being hungover. There is another huge point to cover here- alcohol completely gets rid of the tremor and when I say it completely gets rid of it, I mean it becomes non-existent, doctors say its ok to have a little but come on? wouldn't you drink like a fish out of water if it made you normal. Therefore throughout my teens I would often drink to self-medicate and relieve the stress that the tremor would put on me. Alcohol would also allow me to do everyday things that I couldn’t do with the tremor (for instance: walking down steps(i need to hold on someone or something), taking a drink, eating soup, writing, the list goes on and on.) I remember enjoying the feeling the alcohol gave me as it made me feel like a ‘normal’ person and I couldn’t believe that people were actually living their lives with this feeling of normality and I was extremely jealous of that. Imagine that, the one cure to your condition, is something that can actually kill you (or is extremely dangerous). But this was a really big problem for me and I was in denial for years that I had become dependent on drinking to calm my tremor and my anxiety. I had normalized using alcohol to self-medicate and kept it a secret for years. I decided to have a drink to calm myself down and stop my legs from shaking, when going out to meet new friends. Of course as one does when socializing this led to another drink and then another. The next morning and I realize my tremor is so bad that I can barely even stand up. So, I went through my options and decided the only real way I could even get out of bed was to have another drink… so I did. This cycle continued drinking, waking up with a hangover, not being able to stand/walk and then drinking again to be able to continue with daily life. The thing is my friends and family would have to carry me days after...So naturally i stopped drinking all together. People don't understand that one day you can be happy and notice its not as bad as you remember but then....there are those days where I have trouble holding things, i drop things on my feet, i fall over a ghost foot, needing help down stairs, i cut my hand, burn myself, can't dress myself, sound like im having a mental break down...i could go on and on how bad it gets....But Imagine waking up one day and trying to drink a cup of hot coffee without burning yourself. Just imagine when you have your good days and bad days, meaning good days being where you can do stuff without even remembering you have this shaking problem. To bad days literally where the moment you get up you know its going to be a long day of wanting to scream cry and throw everything in frustration because you can’t feed yourself or dress yourself, that you are kinda like a new born again, that you just want to go back to sleep and wake up the next day. But the next day might be the same or better you never know. And you know whats sad about this is im a small person and between 100-106 pounds and short and cops always stop me and ask for my id because they think im on drugs….i only met one cop and that day sadly was at night i was working on a children’s haunted train ride and we were both zombies. Not once did he every think that i was on drugs and it was like 60ish degrees out side and that was cold to me so i was shaking like crazy. I came to realize when i got home he just thought i was cold…then i got into my own head and started getting depressed. The thought of people feeling sorry for me, thinking of me as ‘helpless’, or weak was just awful heartbreaking and was one of the reasons why I kept it a secret for so long. I know if i every have a kid in the future that they will have this as well and that makes me cry thinking about them going through this as well. Im going put a innocent child in this world to get bullied like i did and not be able to do things on there own... Im still to scared to tell people about it, it's embarrassing. Eventually it will get worse which makes me sad but even then as far as neurological disorders go, it’s not as bad as it could be and for that I’m grateful. Like When im paying for stuff god i feel horrible because im shaking and nervous which makes it worse and im left feeling guilty and apologizing to everyone every time. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, fall to my knees and cry because i feel like im just slowing people down or they get embarrassed by me. I have difficulty cooking and have burned and cut myself multiple times, I can’t drive when my tremors are bad because Im scared…I’m at the point now where I avoid eating and drinking in public even if im out all day i still won’t. I’m socially awkward all the time even when im not shaking im just shy and weird haha. See The dating scene can be a bit tricky, especially with people who aren’t really used to seeing you, or anyone else, with tremors. I NEVER been on a date in my life and im kind of scared to go on one because i have to wear wrist and forearm weights. Essential Tremors is a progressive neurological condition that causes a shaking within the hands, head, voice or legs and in some cases an internal shaking is reported. Essential Tremors are most normally confused with Parkinson’s but is more common and while Parkinson’s lessens with more movement, ET worsens with movement, anxiety, stress and strain. Unlike Parkinson's, which is a degenerative disease that causes someone to lose brain cells, essential tremor is not a degenerative disorder. Usually, the tremor that's characteristic of essential tremor occurs while the person is performing a movement-oriented activity – such as eating, drinking, writing, typing or brushing teeth – or when the hand is in a still but outstretched position (called a postural tremor). The severity can range from a barely noticeable trembling that's exacerbated by stress, anxiety, fatigue, excess caffeine or certain stimulant asthma medications to a severe, disabling tremor that has a significant impact on your ability to perform daily activities. For people with severe tremor that doesn't respond to drugs, surgical therapies and other treatments are gaining traction. With deep brain stimulation, a probe is implanted in the thalamus, the part of the brain that causes tremors, and a wire runs from the probe to a pacemaker-like device implanted in the chest. "We use the pacemaker to jam the tremor signal inside the brain," "If the tremor gets worse, we can dial up the stimulation." Hearing that scares me, because you can't be asleep when you have this surgery, you have to be awake so they know they have it in the right place. Recent epidemiological studies indicate that individuals with ET are at slightly increased risk of developing dementia (particularly Alzheimer’s disease) compared to their age-matched counterparts without ET. Similar studies also show that persons with ET have a more than four-times increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. The mechanisms for these associations are currently under study. so….would you date me knowing possibly by the time im 40-50ish that i might need help with almost everything i do? would you date me knowing i could possibly give ET to our kid? would you date me knowing there are times where i scream bloody murder because i can’t handle the shaking?  would you date me knowing that there will be times where i zone out and get depressed because i either know my out come or because i im scared of it? i want someone who loves me and not because of sympathy…