#in conclusion i wish shit was fucking easy

[coolcoelacanth]

i think i can't move on because there is a part of me that is waiting for him to come back. there is a part me that is too scared to let go, because that would mean losing him forever. i don't want to think that we will never share anymore beautiful moments, or that i will never know what it feels like to lay in his arms again.

[bambi-kinos]

Hopefully, this ask is a fun one! I've noticed that a lot of times you mention Paul is a bottom, and honestly, I agree 1000% per cent, but I'm curious how you came to that conclusion

For me, I feel like it was a result of tons of reading up on him, body language + his lyrics, and I think the whole control freak (misleading in a way too) part makes some fans think he's a top. Meanwhile, I sit here and think, nope, he's totally a bottom lmao

A lot of it is just wish fulfillment as a result of Paul's bus-sized ass. We're not the only ones thinking about it:

Like it would be a crime if John didn't fuck Paul in the ass. Right??? So it's easy to think "yeah Paul is a bottom" rofl.

But more seriously, I view Paul as a bottom for a number of reasons.

The first is simply how long John and Paul knew each other and how they naturally shaped each other's interests and desires. Paul may not have been that 'swishy' (i.e. effeminate) if he had never met John in the first place. It's easy to see how John and Paul's understanding of homosexuality would have shaped their presentation and the roles they took with one another. Like, in modern times two gay guys can just be Guys Being Dudes. They can both take shirtless selfies of themselves holding up fish with the 🤙 going "shaka braaahhh." In the mid 20th century this idea was not terribly widespread so even among gay people there was an impression of "well someone has to be the woman and it's not going to be me."

So I think that's a big part of it. It's impossible to know how conscious a decision this was but IMO John and Paul reached a consensus of some sort that Paul would take up the feminine role in response to John's masculine one. It's a natural (for a given value of 'natural') position for the feminine half to be the one who is penetrated. Paul, who has demonstrated a number of times his sharp awareness of homosexual activity and how society perceives it, would know this. And he took up that position anyway and kept with it, voluntarily. (And to be clear I think Paul stimulated John's butch attitude and grew that to make John more overtly masculine as well. This goes both ways.)

It's not hard to see why this happened. John is a lot more naturally traditionally masculine than Paul is, no matter what John said about being "soft velvet" and "le Oscar Wilde!!11!!1!" He's the one who got into bar fights and hammered the shit out of other men. He's the subject of a rumor about kicking Stuart in the head, not Paul. Personally I think Paul is perfectly capable of violence, even extreme violence, but he simply isn't perceived that way due to his feminine appearance. Meanwhile John is overtly aggressive and in your face about it, even when going through his druggie periods, which is simply a more traditionally masculine trait no matter how you slice it.

I guess what I'm saying is, Paul responded to and was shaped by John's personality and preferences. John likes to fuck, Paul leans more towards feminine expression, feminine = 'the one who is fucked' not necessarily 'the one who fucks.'

I don't believe they were thinking about this as teenagers (and I don't think they did anything besides circlejerking before Hamburg.) And Paul likes using his dick! However it seems obvious to me that John woke something up in Paul that would have naturally lain dormant under other circumstances. John had a habit of doing this for people, he woke them up to their higher inclinations that got them out of their boxes and I 100% believe that he nudged Paul's 'swishiness' awake and that Paul quietly used this to get out of the box other people wanted to keep him in. He was able to embrace this more fully while with Linda. For Paul, that swishiness comes packaged with a certain set of implications and to me there's no reason why he wouldn't embrace that.

That's not to say that he was completely gung-ho from the start. People who write Paul going 'wtf I'm not doing that' in response to John wanting to fuck him are writing material that feels 'real' for lack of a better word. But I also don't think it would be that hard of a sell once he got used to the idea. Really look at this gif:

John's interest in Paul's backside is overt. Paul seems surprised and a little overwhelmed in the moment but he also smiles a little in response to John checking him out. It seems to me that there's interest there, albeit tentative. In other words Paul seems okay with being the one who is piped.

It's a lot to surmise from a single gif, I know, but otoh we don't have a lot of these moments where John's feelings are overt and Paul responds to them.

In addition to all this, Paul is a curious hedonist. I think John could prevail on him to at least try it. Then I think Paul would enjoy it greatly. Anal orgasms are somewhere between clitoral and vaginal for me but anal sex is satisfying in a way that PIV isn't, and I think Paul would actively seek it out once he tried it and realized how good it is. Anal sex is extremely intimate and John paid close attention to his lovers, Paul is guaranteed a good time once John takes him to bed. And John would want to make that special for Paul especially once Paul did 'break down' and go 'alright I'll do it' as part of their kinky power game. John did like to make things sweet for Paul.

Paul has this whole thing about wanting to be John's second and not necessarily the leader. He enjoys being lead and dominated by powerful men who are at the top of their industry. Check out this quote from McCartney Legacy Vol. 1 in Chapter 26:

Paul explicitly giving in to a "strong and demanding" male after putting up a perfunctory fight that he had no intention of sticking to? What does this remind us of?

And look, Paul invites this himself very deliberately:

Paul is doing this on purpose. He shows his ass off to entice us, the viewers, into imagining his hole and putting our dicks inside said hole and inside him. Women appreciate a nice ass but lack the equipment to fuck it properly. Men do have the equipment and by 1965 Paul knows his effect on heterosexual men. He's very much dangling the fuckability of his ass as a carrot in front of everyone who wants to look. No other Beatle displays this kind of overt neediness for this specific kind of attention. Paul knows what he is doing.

Paul is a bottom. A needy and bratty bottom who enjoys being put in his place and has a thick kinky streak to be sure, but a bottom nonetheless.

The insistence that Paul is a top has always smacked of contrarianism, to me anyway lmao. It's always packaged with making fun of McLennon fanart where Paul is yassified and John is butch or with complaints that Beatle fandom is making Paul "too feminine" and John "too masculine." There's a lot I could say about it but for now I'll just leave it at this: it's usually paired with bitching that McLennon fans are having too much fun. Many are guilty of it.

John and Paul themselves acknowledged this dynamic between them in oblique ways. John, Paul, and even Yoko always imagined Paul as being a woman as well as acknowledging that Paulina would have been romantically attached to John. Paul acknowledged it with the "if I were a woman maybe I could have...." thing, Yoko said that Paul would be a "great threat" if he was a woman in her audio diary that she recorded in 1968/1969, and John also has a quote floating around about the potential that lay in Paul being a woman though I'll be damned if I can't find the stupid thing. And then there's the insulting "Lennon's Princess" nickname from Apple staff. They perceived the dynamic as well.

John and Paul, consciously or not, actively pursued this dynamic with one another. They enjoyed it and Paul voluntarily stayed in that role even during a time period where he might have been justified in going "okay we've hit the big time, no more of that!"

Just look at Paul's posture here lmao. John is shoving his erection into Paul's shoulder. Yeah he's trying to hide it but Paul is fine with it, shoulders relaxed with no tension in him at all. Paul wasn't just John's princess, John was also Paul's knight, and that comes with certain responsibilities as well as privileges.

John was overtly more stable when he had sex on tap. John and Paul actively lived together for months at a time where few people could get to them. Seems to me that Paul not only did his job but took a lot of pleasure in doing it and John reaped the benefits. Notably John didn't start falling apart until they stopped touring and his sexual access to Paul was bottlenecked. Then 1967 rolls around and John just sorta, moved in with Paul and noticeably got back on an even keel.

Many thunks are to be had my friend! Many thunks indeed and one of them is that Paul is a bottom. Not just that, an enthusiastic one that likes courting powerful and even emotionally unstable males capable of overpowering him.

Much to consider!

[exfil]

thinking about how soap and graves are in total sync before the betrayal in las almas. in agreement on how to proceed both with hassan (you can't be serious / let me finish this, actual) and el sin nombre (we came here to stop a missile, lets stop it / this is our one shot, so we take it) both rejoicing the same aspects of battle (it's a beautiful sight / you know i love that shit). easy comraderie, relying on each other (let's wrap this fucker up, graves / [soap], call me when you need me), complimenting each other (good eye, shadow-1 / need you with us, seargant), working in sync when disarming a missile (we gotta move, brother. alright?) casual touches and smiles on the bridge of the ship. seemingly aligned in motivation and action at every turn.

but then after the betrayal, and las almas, the confrontation in the tank happens. and it sets up graves and soap not only as enemies, but are narrative foils, interestingly enough, the contrast that becomes clear from their verbal spat is not about action, but about motivation. specifically, the meaning about being a soldier- they argue about the uniform (hiding behind that uniform / you wore that uniform), about loyalty to the army (i shed that skin / like a fucking snake) about being perserverance (you had to make your own little army because couldn't hack it in the real one) and about honour (knock that honour shit off, johnny).

and it reframes all their interactions before the betrayal - while they worked in complete agreement before, they arrived at the same conclusions from completely opposites angles. both see themselves as soldiers, as needing destruction for the greater good, even rejoice in it - but while both see violence as means to an end, but they differ but about the means. they don't disagree about the necessity killing, but about every aspect of what being a soldier while doing it entails. i'm up to doing my fucking job you should try it sometime. / my job is to kill the enemy. guess what you are. absolutely fascinating character dynamic, i wish we talked about it more

[theladyragnell]

Nervous embarrassment around them for Eponine and Cosette?

Éponine doesn’t rest any part of her identity on being cool. She takes a little pride, maybe, in the way Gavroche still seems to think she is even at the age when his guardian absolutely should not be cool, or in the way Marius calls her a badass and actually seems to mean it, but it doesn’t really matter because it’s not really true, or something she does on purpose. It’s all just bluster, she’s always known that, all her raised eyebrows and pointed silences, but people read it like she’s unbothered and too cool to acknowledge all the shit she has to deal with.

It’s still disconcerting, though, the way it all goes away the second she’s around Cosette.

Cosette, who looks like she should be a fucking TikTok influencer, too pretty to be real, but who’s too genuine to ever pull that off. Who volunteers, who bakes cookies and shares them around like she’s anxious to please her new friends, who ducks out of evening gatherings to call her father and wish him goodnight like it’s something she wants to do and not a weird obligation. Anything Éponine is, she’s pretty much the opposite, and with the history between them, she shouldn’t give Éponine the time of day, but she still does. One week of awkwardness when Marius introduced them and then she was fine, sought Éponine out to clear the air, and now Éponine gets cookies and offers to babysit and Cosette sitting next to her on the rare occasion she makes a meeting or a party.

And Éponine is completely unable to deal with any of it. Maybe it’s the guilt, from being the favored child when Cosette wasn’t. Maybe it’s that Cosette won’t let her apologize without getting this look on her face like she wants to say sorry too. Whatever it is, it glues Éponine’s tongue to the roof of her mouth whenever she tries talking to her.

“She is gorgeous,” says Marius when she complains, with the easy unself-consciousness of a man who pined over Cosette for a solid three months before Cosette apologetically told him she’s gay, another thing Éponine tries not to think about too closely. “So maybe that’s why you have trouble talking to her?”

“I don’t get like that with people I like,” says Éponine, to a guy who never once noticed how much she wanted him until her and Grantaire’s sadsack crush support group got her over him and got Grantaire to get off his ass and make a move.

“Yes, but it’s Cosette. She’s not like anybody else.”

She isn’t, and Éponine doesn’t know what to do with that, doesn’t know what Cosette wants her to do with that, when she sits down next to Éponine whenever there’s a free chair at her side and doesn’t mind when every word Éponine says is choked off and she fumbles her drinks and almost falls over when she makes the mistake of tipping her chair back.

Mentioning it to Marius is probably a mistake, because after that, he is way more inclined to call Cosette over and give his chair up to her, so Éponine is suddenly spending twice as much time with her, and the exposure therapy isn’t helping. Her only comfort is that her freezing up is way easier to deal with than if she shared Grantaire’s tendency for word vomit.

Cosette notices. Of course she does. She sees the way Éponine is with everyone else and the way Éponine is with her, and she gets this pinched little line between her brows like she’s getting all the wrong conclusions, but she still keeps seeking Éponine out, so maybe they aren’t all wrong. Or maybe she’s like Marius, going for exposure therapy, though Éponine still wonders why.

And she keeps choking and blushing and looking away, can’t help it, can’t keep her cool.

Cosette walks her home after a meeting, like that’s who Éponine is, like she lives down the street from the fifties sockhop, like Cosette’s not the one deserving of that kind of care, but she insists, and Éponine is tongue-tied, so Éponine doesn’t find a way to say no. And they walk, and Éponine feels stupidly like Cosette is carrying her nonexistent books, but Cosette is walking with her arms swinging easily, and Éponine has hers stuffed in her pockets, because Cosette is walking just close enough that their hands would brush if Éponine let hers swing too.

“It’s just me,” says Cosette at Éponine’s door, all earnest and sweet and ducking her head until Éponine is meeting her eyes squarely. “It’s just me, and I don’t want to scare you.”

Éponine has seen so much shit, and the idea of Cosette and her doe eyes scaring her should be laughable. But maybe, at the heart of it, that’s what this is. Cosette matters too much, deserves too much, for Éponine to feel okay fucking this up. “You’re not ‘just’ anything,” she says, and it comes out whispery and weak, but at least it comes out. “And that’s what’s scary.”

“Well,” Cosette smiles, and now she’s blushing a little, just faintly pink where the streetlights hit her, so at least Éponine isn’t alone in it. “Maybe we just … do this. Go slow. And it will get a little less scary for both of us. But there’s no rush, okay?”

Éponine manages to take her hand out of her pocket and put it on Cosette’s arms for a few seconds until she starts feeling stupid not being able to move in any closer and lets go. “Okay,” she says, and smiles stupidly in response to Cosette’s smile before she walks away and goes inside and feels just a little bit lighter.

In the end, maybe that’s better than being cool.

[queer-overwatch]

hihi! loveee this blog god bless both of you i'm tweaking waiting for venture to come out 😭😭 might be a bit odd but if it's something either of you feel comfortable writing about, could i request them with an audhd masc reader who's really struggling with executive dysfunction? like they're struggling to do anything and feeling really down and ashamed about it (⁠me rn T~T) thanks!!

Venture w/ Audhd!Reader!

It's not odd at all! We both get the same way fjsofndk, have some hurt/comfort for ya <3 -Frisk & Xorn

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(Good lord we need more Venture gifs-)

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This was stupid, you were stupid, having a job was stupid- everything was stupid!

It's so easy, all you have to do is just get up, grab a pencil, and write a few words! It's quite literally the easiest assignment you've ever gotten from the Wayfinders! Ever!

Yet for some stupid, unknown reason you just- couldn't. No matter how much you yelled at yourself or cried, feeling useless, you couldn't get up. It was pathetic, sad, pitiful, everything you didn't want to be and yet, were.

You were sure your partner would be able to do this, anyone would be able to do this, so why couldn't you!? Groaning, you desperately wish to push yourself up and out of bed, yet make no movement to do so.

Stuck in your own head, you don't notice Venture knocking on your door, or stepping into your room after a few minutes of waiting. You only acknowledge them after they scare the shit out of you by grabbing your shoulder.

"What the fuck-!" You're finally able to move, even if it wasn't thanks to the best circumstances-

"Sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!" They laugh slightly, cheeks a bit darker than usual as they bend their knees slightly so they're eye level with you as you sit up in bed.

They slowly look you over, drawing their own conclusions as to how you're feeling and gently pushing you so you're on one side of the bed before grabbing something from the desk on the other side of your room and snuggling up next to you.

"So I'm gonna take just a wild, crazy guess here and say you haven't done any work today?" They hold out what they'd grabbed, apparently it was your assignment from the Wayfinders. Just seeing the paper sucks any energy you had left out of you as you groan.

They laugh pitifully at your misery, patting you on the back and setting the paper down on your lap. "I'll be honest, I haven't gotten a whole lot done today either. I'm a bit of a slacker myself from time to time!"

Venture throws an arm around your shoulders pulling you into their side softly as they nuzzle your cheek teasingly. "Buuut I've still gotten more done than you, so I'm on a winning streak technically! Though I guess I could be the best partner ever, which I already am, and help you out a bit."

Of course they'd turn it into a challenge, if there was one thing Venture adored, it was winning something. You could imagine their smug look already, as adorable as it was, you simply couldn't hand it to them that easily. Plus..the paper was already there, maybe you could just do a little, just so you would have it out of the way faster.

As you take the assignment from Ventures lap, you slowly start to write a few words, finally getting something done as Venture talks your ear off about how awesome they were.

About halfway through, it hits you that this was their attempt at helping, at getting you motivated. It was always easier to do things when they were around, and they knew it.

They still ended up with a stupid, adorable, smug smile on their face at the end of the day.

Hiii here are some headcannons to add on <3 -Xor

First of all it just sucks , wanting to do things but not being able to will yourself to do them is actually just awful.

Venture makes it a point just to generally check in on you and make sure you're feeling okay overall.

They then immediately delve into "how can I help you?" Asking you what you want or need to do but just can't seem to.

If it's something personal then they'll leave it to you unless you want their help. However if it's not then they ask you how you would perform the task and try to help you out with it.

The whole time they're really understanding and encourage you, not to do things but so you don't feel horrible about not doing them.

They try to find ways to interweave things you really enjoy doing along with said tasks , trying to help the tasks seem bearable in a way.

And if you simply can't, then it's a good time to relax and work out a half plan, for anything that needs to be done and try to do it layer.

They aren't going to push you to do anything just gentle yet loud encouragement and a couple nudges in the right direction.

[atticsandwich]

sorry but if ur entire reasoning on disliking mephisto banks entirely on u jumping to conclusions about his character without even giving him a fraction of a leeway that you do with the rest of the cast so u resort to calling him "shallow and abrasive" im just gonna assume you have some racial bias going on in ur head

look at it this way: how come when mephisto does something even slightly rude or mean towards mc (or any of the brothers) (which he doesnt even do often btw. it's ESPECIALLY LESS in nb besides lucifer) he's immediately irredeemable, unjustified for his actions, etc but whenever, let's say, lucifer (using him bc he's one of my favorite characters so yall can't put shit in my mouth where there is none) does something questionable in the same vein ya'll immediately jump to his defense or bring up personal character anecdotes? like don't piss me off??

it's so easy to figure out why mephisto is the way he is and why his courses of action lean the direction they do because the game quite literally shoves all of it in your face. some of ya'll just don't bother to read between the lines the same way yall do for the other characters because of ... reasons, whatever they may be, but then immediately interject on conversations that involve him only to say "oh i fucking hate him i wish he never existed" gee i wonder why you think that...

anyways, i digress. ofc i'm not saying you can't dislike a character (hello i literally felt nothing for solomon the first 6 months of me playing obey me until i gradually started to like him) but when ur dislike can be traced back to racial bias whether consciously or not... i would personally never open my mouth on the internet, that's all I'll say

[jitterbugjive]

I hate that people can easily find the stupid and shitty things I said and did over 5 years ago and jump to the conclusion that that's who I am, and there's no easy way for anyone to see all the efforts I've been making since then to NOT be that person. It's hard to find all my apologies and explanations because I didn't tag them all properly. I've tried time and time again to explain that I was mimicking the behavior bad adults gave me when I was growing up and that no one really called me out on that behavior until it was too late. I've tried to explain that since then I've been going through extensive therapy to separate bad learned behavior from who I want to actually be. There's so much more to this whole story than what one small chunk of the internet is making it out to be. People who actually know me know that this has been eating me up constantly and that I am always living in fear of losing everything to this drama.

especially since some of that info takes quotes out of context, jumps to conclusions that aren't true, or flat out lies about what certain artworks are depicting or meaning to convey (Like claiming a grown ass adult is a child even tho I have proof the character looks totally different as an adult than as a child, or claiming that a shock piece meant to make people reel back in horror was a fetish when it was not at all that)

It takes clips of things without the full picture and puts words in my mouth.

Here's a little something about how I used to talk about sore subjects: I would make a controversial sounding statement, but then I would explain myself in a way that would show the statement wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. A lot of the time they just take that bad statement and paste it for the world to see, without giving any of that context of me explaining why I said that and why it's not what it sounds like.

I wish people were smart enough to spot cherry picking when they see it, but they just aren't. They'll see one sentence, and someone saying "look they're supporting this bad thing" and that's all they need to think that's what it is. People aren't smart enough to really ask questions and try to understand a situation, all they want is face value to tell them how to think and feel.

People aren't going to bother to listen to me because I'm "the bad guy" and I'll "say anything to cover my ass".

Listen, if I was really that horrible of a person, don't you think there would be more evidence out there that is very clear and blunt and not just making assumptions on what a thing means?

I'm never gonna sit here and say what I said and did wasn't wrong, it was, but it was not done because I was trying to be a terrible person or prey on anyone. It was because I was insanely misguided by someone who groomed me for 5 years since childhood and then abused me for another 3 in a really toxic relationship. And then I never got HELP for it, I never got therapy to cope with it, I never even realized until way later that 'holy shit this person was 7 years older than me and was taking advantage of me the whole time'. Like I knew they were abusive but adults being friends with children was so normalized in my head, and throughout my life many adults or older kids exposed me to things I shouldn't have been and it skewed in my head what was appropriate behavior or not. Or what was okay to draw or not. And a lot of my opinions were formed around this adult who convinced me things like loli/shota were fine as long as they were strictly made up, and he fed me a lot of nonsense about what does and doesn't make a predator to cover his own ass. I was seriously fucked up almost beyond repair for a long time.

I have a warning on my blog now that minors shouldn't be following me, I make it a point to not ever work with minors on projects or talk to a minor in any capacity beyond a fan to artist relationship. I understand now that it is my responsibility as a NSFW artist that I simply cannot have minors as friends. And being much older now I don't even want minors as friends anyway. When I was in my early 20s the age gap didn't feel as bad but I'm definitely feeling it now and I just don't want to deal with minors any more.

I'm not a danger to anyone, I'm not spewing apologetics for horrible people, I've been doing my best to be a much better and more informed person

And I have no easy way to prove any of it in a way that will matter

I'm only talking about this now because once again I was kicked out of something because someone found that old info and that was all it took. No one cares about my side of things.

And I don't know if this will ever go away

I don't know if I'll ever find any amount of comfortable success because I can't get rid of this shit and on the internet it doesn't matter how long ago you did something or how much you've changed, you did it and therefor you're bad forever.

I hate this shit so much.

[spookyteeth]

little different then what i usually post about but a bit pissed off and honestly just a rant

Alright, basically for context, I guess: Autism, ASD, ADHD, dyslexia, etc. (but autism is important for this rant) runs both sides in my family; we're all VERY neurodivergent. Though we're usually high-functioning and can mask well, it's still very visible. (like the magnet thing where neurodivergent people make friends with neurodivergent people because they're like drawn to them,, or something??? I like to call it 'your people finder')

The rant: In my life, I've been diagnosed with ADHD, and I am currently on medication, though something we've noticed is that I'm also showing signs of high-functioning autism. which is like, 'Oh cool, I guess I should get tested because, honestly, why haven't I before? I'm most likely going to get a positive result, and I think a diagnosis would help my 504 and shit.' So I went through the testing, which was honestly really… weird? I felt like I was being tested on only one end of the spectrum to see if I had a good reaction time, if I could read social cues, and if I could decipher figures of speech. Which was like alright, okay, I guess that's some signs that should be written down, important knowledge, I guess. So I get my results in,, waiting 3 weeks for this,, did 1000+ questions for this,, did 3 hours of testing for this,, to turn up as negative. I'm not upset I got negative. I'm not one to glorify autism or make up some shit to feel special. I'm upset because I've been looking through the diagnosis system, and the place I live has a mindset of 'you're only autistic if you flap your hands, can't pick up on how the other person is feeling, you're good at noticing patterns, etc.' or just that low-functioning autism is the only way of autism and that's not fucking okay??? I understand how autism has not been around for like a really long time (which is actually very interesting; I would recommend reading about Donald Triplett), and we really only have studies on male-bodied people (which is a whole thing about how autism is represented differently in different sexes), but it's actually hard to get an autism diagnosis. Like if you're male-bodied or female-bodied, and especially if you're an intersexed person. (Like, come on, dude, it's already hard enough for one sex to be severely undiagnosed, but two?? Really??) Though, I guess I give props for them noticing I have ADHD and saying I most likely have anxiety and a small chance of OCD.

Conclusion: I don't give a fuck if I'm not autistic or not; this diagnosis system needs to change. At least where I'm from; I'm not sure how it is in other places.

SORRY ABOUT THE LONG ASS RANT, and thanks for reading!! Please don't feel the need to respond or comfort to this, I'm just sharing my frustration.

Adding: I know self diagnosing (the one that's actually well educated not the tiktok shit where they spread misinformation so they can get attention) is common due to this, I just wish shit like this was more.. easy? Like easy to go though the process of getting an actual diagnosis, or even the chance to get one. Which, I am lucky to have that chance of at least getting tested, I admit.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

reread the rest thus far of lackadaisy and there's the both v easy & difficult task of gathering a shit ton but only a shit ton of excerpts (like every single page is a highlight i'm not exaggerating)

and every single element is superlative and the way it all only becomes More So....already mentioned the way the like smooth gradient shading made the successful evocation of 3D Shapes more noticeable, along w/the consistent geometries of character design & details in fabric folds; the way Lighting & Coloring only goes on to become more prominent elements only enhances that further. the compositions, backgrounds, pacing, angles....everything is so dynamic & expressive, such as including the expressions which you know i also Love / absorbed

going "hell yes for people to discover this superlative comic" then having to occasionally refresh past site traffic overloaded server errors like "nooo" but actually yes

whilest clapping & cheering for the fun of everyone who's been here a minute. My God the invigorating reward when again i started reading in '07 & the concept of rocky & freckle on a "proper" run had only manifested via fun official bonus art, then a literal decade later as it was actually happening in the comic like screeeeaammm i can feel it coming in the air tonight oh lord etc....i've loved following it, again, if i see another new comic page. i am going to be Enriched

i also really was right on the ball myself this time around like okay okay yep i have picked up on Everything, at least to the degree i can lmao. i love the mysteries. i love how Character Focused it is too ofc and there's no characters i'm uniterested in / dislike. you gotta point to one of them, truly, and i have been a [pointing at freckle] enjoyer these fifteen years but fr i am a connoisseur of everyone, i love that so many characters are a weird mysterious chaos element story driver in their own right. i considered mordecai more intently than ever, love his like ultra mystery (and that we leave off on him doing some detectiving even) and truly fun that like, the source of the more Immediate problems he keeps having in every damn interaction isn't the like [wow mordecai with the just diving into the hatchet murdering] factor so much as it's that he's generally like "i am just standing here" and is not nt in any way that matters and people insist on fucking with him on that front. the peak tragedy of him in a bonus comic getting bullied into having to dance with someone to Be Polite like i'm so sorry i wish you could be that ficus too. anyways intrigued with the marigold &/or mordecai mysteries including that it's like, how coincidental is it that he talks about marigold having a thorn in its side & the savoys' nickname for him is peekon = thorn. there is so much to consider, love that for us truly. and i'm rooting for mordecai & nicodeme's dynamic out here, is another conclusion....very enriched by comparing & contrasting that serafine nicodeme mordecai triumvirate with the rocky ivy freckle one, to be sure. im enriched

i'm also enriched by every footnote that's got like historical facts / research notes / [this is inaccurate for xyz prioritization but here's the disclaimer] explanations. i Love information. and everything else like i loooove this comic it's Soooo Fucking putting my hands to my temples and inhaling at length through my teeth

[deanmonlover]

the unsung hero

"You should hit me harder, make it well worth the trouble of what's coming for you next." You spat through crimson stained teeth.

"Pfft we're not afraid of Cunningham. He's just a pyscho babysitter who got off too easy." Terry scoffed, standing up behind you as he pressed a blade against your neck lightly dragging it across, creating a thin laceration.

"Oh no, he's not who I would be afraid of. You know Michael is still out there. He never left and he's going to get you idiots in the end." You taunted, your vision swimming as you concentrated on staying awake.

How you got yourself into these predicaments would always cease to amaze you. You had a talent for it to say the least.

All you had been doing was getting ready for work while your boyfriend had been in the process of leaving for work as well. It had been about an hour or so before the downstairs door creaked open, signaling someone was in the house.

Obviously, you thought it was Corey coming back for his lunch because it had been sitting on the counter where he had forgotten about it. And oh, how you wished that was the case.

"Core?" You called out, grabbing your bag and heading out the bedroom door only to be met with figure standing ominously down the hallway staring directly at you.

It was all over but the crying when you were jumped from the other direction by another figure who had you in a chokehold.

"Get your fucking hands off of me!" You choked out, thrashing around like a wild animal.

You weren't going down without a fight, you were fiesty and were going to beat the shit out of these idiots when you got the chance but not if your boyfriend beat you to it.

That's how you ended up in your current situation, hands tied behind your back staring directly at that idiot band geek who sat perched on a car that appeared to be...a junkyard car?

You looked around a little more in your haze and noticed the other cars around you and finally came to the conclusion that you were at Corey's work but where was he?

They couldn't have done something to him. No, he had to be okay.

"Y'know, you freaks seem to flock together. It makes it a lot easier to find and get rid of you, but damn, you're way too pretty to be with that pyscho. Not smart enough to stay away from him, apparently." Terry gripped your chin in his hand, forcing you to look at him.

"Terry–"

"Shut up, Margo. I'm gonna make her never wanna see that prick again."

"Terry, seriously, I think someone is here–"

The sound of a mangled scream followed by a thud cut the girl off in mid sentence.

Terry shoved your head down abruptly, trying to get a good look at whoever dared intrude on his little fun session when he was met with a masked figure staring opposite of him holding a rather large pipe wrench.

"Just what the fuck do you think you're doing here, huh? I'm busy–" As Terry stepped closer to the figure, he stumbled Margo's limp body and the realization finally kicked in.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck" Terry scrambled to his feet, knife still in hand as he pointed it at the figure with a familiar mask on.

One that you knew very well, a little inside joke if you will. You had known what was in store for Terry this entire time but here was your unsung hero there to save you finally.

Terry made it back over to you and pulled you by your hair, jerking your neck backwards to expose your neck with the knife placed once more against the previous wound.

"One step closer, she gets it."

The figure in the mask stepped closer, ignoring the warning from the boy. As if daring the band geek to make good on his threat because what would happen to him would be far worse than he could ever do to you.

"I mean it! I will I'll cut her fucking throat out!" He screamed at the figure who gripped the wrench tighter in his hand, so tight that the white shown on his knuckles.

Your heart pounded in your ears, so loudly that you didn't even feel the knife plunge into your chest.

The figure snatched Terry up so fast he didn't even have time to say his last words, the wrench going straight through his skull with one swing.

"Corey!" You found your voice. Your body felt so weak, but all you wanted was him.

The masked figure pulled his scarecrow mask up to reveal that handsome face you loved so much. Relief flooded your aching body. You had known it was him, but just seeing those big brown eyes looking into yours made it real.

Corey cut your restraints and scooped you into his arms, careful not to brush against your chest wound. He pulled a rag out of his pocket and pressed it against the area, trying to stop the bleeding.

Bloody hands cupped your pale face, and concern knitted into his eyebrows as he searched your face.

Your entire face was bloody and bruised. It sent his blood boiling at the sight.

You started to sob, hiding your face in his chest. It had taken everything in you to be strong up until this point and now that Corey was here it was going to be okay you had to keep telling yourself that.

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay. I'm here. They can't do anything else to you ever again. I'm going to make every last person on this fucking planet pay if they ever do anything to you ever again." He promised, holding you close before carrying you tightly in his arms over to his motorcycle as if you would dissappear into thin air.

Corey blamed himself.

You were always a target because of him. He was stronger now that much was true, but what good was that if he couldn't have stopped this from happening.

He would protect you no matter what, even if it was the last thing he did. No matter who he had to kill, if it ensured your safety, he would do it. And you knew it, you always felt safe with him. Something in your mind the entire time had told you that he was coming for you.

He was your knight in a bloody mechanic suit.

[icedjuiceboxes]

For the ask game *hands you a Emily*

You know you think this would be easy considering she lives rent free in my mind but man what new is there to say when I said it all already.

How I feel about this character

Emily had a very big role to fill as the playable protagonist of dishonored 2.

From my perspective Female protagonists in sequels tend to be mocked and ridiculed, especially if they replacing the original male protagonist from the first game. Some examples include Athena from Ace attorney 5, and Abby from TLOU2 (though Abby is a special case separate from the argument). Female protagonists tend to get shit unless they fall under two categories. A) They're the protag of a new game (Aloy from Horizon) or B) The female protagonist started as an NPC before being Playable (Ellie from TLOU).

Emily falls under the second category, so the community was already familiar with her. Still didn't completely block her from criticism from all the gamer bros™️ who cannot stand playing as anything but as a cis white male bc God forbid they do otherwise.

I will literally defend any female protagonists with my life. Which is why she became my favourite character. Sure. I like mainstream shit. But I like the underrated shit even better.

I also think Optimistic protagonists tend to be less favored compared to their emo-ass counterparts and I don't know who hurt yall but can we please let a little hope into our lives-

In conclusion: I will defend Emily til I die and even once I get over my brainrot I promise you she is only reincarnated in a form of an oc. Hell I'll probably will name an oc directly after her. I did it once before and I'll do it again

All the people I ship romantically with character

Emily X Billie

TOXIC YURI / ENEMIES TO LOVERS LETS GO !!!

Emily X Alexi

Very nice. Very plausible. I think alexi should been Emily’s Canon romantic partner in game especially with how fast alexi was introduced and killed and there was have been more emotional connection to her. Wyman didn't need to exist and the brownie points of making them non-binary is pointless (and I'm saying that as non binary myself.)

Emily X Hypatia

I see the potential and I personally like to think that Emilt and Hypatia got along a little too well on the Wale and Billie was jealous the entire time and completely misresd the room between them. Because tell me why when Billie says "let's hope your friend (hypatia] doesn't burn the ship down" HAD SO MUCH JEALOUS UNDERTONE ??? toxic Yuri for the win

Alexi X Emily X Billie

Hear me out,,,, herding dog, sheep, and wolf situation. And no not a love triangle. Emily has two hands okay.

Emily x Mindy

They fucked once. Thats it.

Emily X Outsider

Once again there's potential here and i can see it. Idm seeing stuff but it doesn't excite me to personally create for it (though if I made it Yuri...)

My non romantic otp for this character

Outsider X emily

You can't tell me the outsider didn't have favorites (and that favourite was Emily.) The two are besties.

Emily X Alexi

Doomed one-sided crush and the oblivious best friend okay. (Alexi should have lived change my mind)

Emily X Hypatia

They're both nerds

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in Canon

Nothing because I respect the narrative as it present but also I am a comic creator with free will, delusion and pure spite and delusion and anything I want to see happen I've already thought about it. There's already an outline. it's in my wips folder. I am the change I want to see in my world

Just kidding I wanted a fucking voice line to discovering corvo's childhood home and daud confession. Where is it akrane. WHERE IS IT.

[starrysharks]

today, i watched "saw 3D". it was a moving picture.

i'm surprised that they went off the rails for the most part of this movie (not in a good way) like this. firstly, this movie probably has the worst starter trap in saw history 💀 it was framed so ridiculously that i thought "oh, they're showing a fake trap that's being done as a prank or something" until the girl actually got sawed in half. even when blood got spilled i thought it would be revealed as ketchup later, and it was supposed to be a parody of how people view saw as over the top and silly.... but no that prank was legit.... the traps in general were a bit mediocre here, and the gore was really meh especially with the bright pink blood. iirc this movie and danganronpa came out in the same year which is a funny coincidence.

generally this movie was just sillier than the others and it was hard to suspend my disbelief with it. i think the breaking point was the car crash trap. hoffman killing a bunch of racists is lowkey #BASED but the way it's more or less him saying "when the lights turn off we're ALL black" is kinda funny. as well as that, the weird fanservicey parts (like the girl's outfit in the first trap) also took me out of the story.

other than that, the story of the movie was actually an interesting concept - guy fakes being a saw trap survivor and actually has to go through a saw trap, but compared to the other saw trap house guys, this one kind of blends in. also two teeth related tortures in one movie i feel like they're kinda running out of ideas (but that's just me nitpicking)... though i don't want to be too hard on this movie. my favorite trap was probably the one with his friend cale as it was pretty unique, didn't rely on gore, and had a good stressful atmosphere.

ignoring the main trap house plot, the continuous story here was pretty nice. hoffman going crazy and killing everyone is entertaining (even tho he killed jill </3), and gordon's big reveal was also cool, even tho i knew it was coming because i accidentally got spoiled. i think him looking at his severed foot at the end in the OG bathroom kinda showed how he left behind his compassion/a part of himself died, which if intentional was cool symbolism. i assume this really was supposed to be the final conclusion, so it makes sense that they had so many callbacks to the 2004 movie. but i wish they had more clues towards it besides bringing up gordon as much as possible in the previous movies.

this saw was not like the other saws i saw. people weren't lying when they said it was the worst - the story, while easy to follow along, was a bit dull and very silly (i know i've said silly a billion times i'm not good with words), and it really feels like its leaning in to the misconceptions and stereotypes that people give to these movies. however, it did show a huge plot twist that had an alright buildup and good conclusion. i'm giving it a solid 1.5/5, with .2 points added for john kramer's fire fucking fit at the book signing holy hell that shit was raw. hopefully saw 8 shows us who the other pig heads at the end were (maybe the other survivors at the therapy talk?) and also redeems the franchise.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Ruki Ecstasy [09]

CHAPTER MASTERLIST

ー The scene starts in Kino’s room in the Ghoul’s manor

Kino: ーー In short, those Mukamis have been foolishly glorifying the same guy who is responsible for their own misfortune, treating him as their Savior.

Fufu, it’s so ironic, you can’t help but question whether if it’s even possible, right?

Yui: ( ...No way... )

Kino: That concludes our trip down memory lane~ Did you find it interesting? 

Yui: What you told me...is actually true...?

Kino: According to my personal investigation, yes. I’m fairly certain that Ruki came to the same conclusion. 

Yui: ( I can’t believe it...But if what he told me is the truth, thenーー )

ー Several flashbacks ensue

Yui: Azusa-kun...Thank you. I guess that makes it a family album, huh?

Azusa: Yeah. So...There’s pictures of Karlheinz-sama as well.

Ruki: !

Azusa: Look, over here. ...We never took many pictures with him, so there’s only one.

Kou: Fufu. When I look at it now, it looks like a picture of a dad with his four sons, it’s a little embarrassing.

Yuma: I mean, we kind of are, right? Aren’t we, Ruki?

Ruki: ...

Yui: ...Ruki-kun...?

Azusa: Ruki...Why are you crying...?

Ruki: ...No, I’m sorry...

--- 

Yui: Hey, Ruki-kun...You no longer want to return to the Demon World, to the others?

Ruki: ...Why would you say that?

Yui: I mean...When I look at you right now, it feels as if you’re trying to forget about everything...

Ruki: ...

ー The flashbacks ends

Monologue

It was right then and there,

that all pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place.

Ruki-kun worshipped Karlheinz-san,

more than anyone else. 

However at the same time,

he never forgot about his real, biological family. 

To think that those two...

would end up being connected in the worst way possible. 

Even I felt incredibly shocked,

after hearing everything just now. 

So I cannot even imagine how Ruki-kun must have felt.

Yui: ( Ruki-kun...doesn’t want this information to spill. To avoid his brothers from getting hurt. )

( Besides...If they were to find out, they would start doubting all of the good memories they have of Karlheinz-san. )

( All the time they spent as a family up till now...would turn out to be one big lie. )

( Is that what Ruki-kun is afraid of...? )

I had...no idea...

Kino: Seems like it. I mean, I’m sure he couldn’t bring himself to tell you. By voicing it out loud, he’d basically acknowledge it as the truth and I’m sure part of him still doesn’t want to believe it.

Yui: ( I wonder why I said all those things...when I should have known he would surely have a good reason for everything. )

...Uu...

Kino: Ahーah...Someone turned on the waterworks. Not my fault though.

...Do you wish to apologize to Ruki?

Selection

→ I want to say sorry right away (❦)

Yui: I do...Right away. 

( I want to apologize...and hold him close. I want to tell him again and again, that he doesn’t have to burden everything on his own... )

→ I still want more time

Yui: I do...but I’m not mentally ready yet...

Kino: I can imagine. I’m sure this is a pretty big shock to you as well. 

Kino: Well, I’m sure the two of you will get to see each other soon enough. 

Yui: Eh...?

Kino: If he were to come looking for you...It should be pretty easy for him to track this place down ...I purposely made it that way after all.

ー The scene shifts to the forest

*Thud* 

Ruki: ( ...It’s gone. )

( Up until this point, her presence and scent still vaguely lingered in the air. However, it suddenly stops right here... )

( Instead I can smell a Vampire and one other type of scent...Does this unfamiliar smell belong to...Ghouls, perhaps? )

So they got to her before meーー ...Fuck!

Ruki: (  The Ghouls’ homeland is up in the North, at Rotigenberg...! )

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall at Eden

Yuma: Fuck!

*THUD*

Azusa: ...Yuma, calm down...You’ll end up punching a hole in the wall...

Yuma: How am I supposed to stay calm!? How long is that fucker goin’ to ignore us!?

Accordin’ to what the Familiars looked into, there’s jack-shit goin’ on in the human world, so why...!? 

Azusa: ...

Kou: ...Seems like the Vibora are indeed targeting Eden as it’s often regarded to be the status symbol of the Vampire Clan.

It’s most likely just a question of time before they decide to strike. We need to come up with a strategy before that...or else this place will fall into their hands. 

Yuma: ...You sound pretty calm given the current circumstances. 

Kou: We decided that we would no longer rely on Ruki-kun for everything, didn’t we? I mean, we’re no children anymore either.

...Just kidding. I’m only pretending to have everything under control. Deep down, I’m terrified. 

This situation made me realize just how amazing Ruki-kun is once more. 

I finally understand...just how difficult and rough it is to keep your composure at all times. That’s whyーー 

If he’s behaving like this right now because he was fed up and tired with all that pressure...then I honestly don’t think I can even blame him. 

Yuma: Ugh...

Familiar A: ーー Excuse me! I have an urgent announcement! 

Yuma: Did those Vibora bastards show up!? 

Familiar A: No! Not the Vibora...! We just...spotted Sakamaki Shuu-sama by the front gate!

Kou: Shuu-kun’s here...!? 

ー The scene shifts to the outside of Eden

Shuu: ...Took you long enough. 

Ayato: My thoughts exactly! Don’t make us wait after we were so kind as to come here!

Kou: ...He’s actually here...!

Azusa: Even Ayato-san as well...Why...?

Shuu: We already looked into the Vibora’s course of action. They will soon move onto the offensive, won’t they? 

Yuma: So you’ve come to reinforce us? Y’all...? 

Shuu: Don’t dig too deep into it. It would just be troublesome to have our home invaded, that’s all.

I couldn’t care less about the sovereignty over the Demon World, but I realize that it’s important to protect ourselves from potential dangers. 

Kou: Shuu-kun...Thank you...!

Shuu: Let me be clear, I’m not directly helping out. ...Come with me, Reiji. We’re going to come up with a plan.

ー Shuu and Reiji walk away

Yuma: ...Didn’t think that guy would show up.

Laito: Despite everything, he’s still our leader. When necessary, he will act. Probably. 

Azusa: Only probably, huh...?

Monologue

You will meet again soon enough. 

The way he said that,

made it sound like he personally set it up that way.

But for what reason exactly?

While I had my doubt about the whole situation,

my mind was more so preoccupied by thoughts of Ruki-kun. 

How should I apologize to him when we meet?

However, rather than what to say (何を言うよりも) , I just wanted to wrap my arms around him already.

I don’t need any words.

That is the sole thing I want to do for him (そうしてあげたい). 

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[bubblepopsims]

It didn't take Izzi long to come to the conclusion to go after Juju. Finding her on a questionable old looking wooden bridge just staring out over the pond that slithered around the park itself. A unsettling feeling found home in their chest and stomach as they approached slowly. Juju didn’t seem to notice, more lost in thought than anything. Her eyes would dart around, brows would bunch up every now and than. Biting her lip as the invasive thoughts took a hold of her usual radiant and vigilant spirit. I: my love..." juju jumped a bit at the voice, startled that Izzi came to find her, not even hearing them approach. J: "Hi..." Izzi instantly felt guilt weighing on their heart just from the tone of Juju's voice.. the last thing Izzi wanted was to hurt her feelings.

I: "juju.. I... I'm sorry. I did not mean what I said. It's not that i don't want to talk about it with you.. it's just i don't know how to talk about it at all.. My family.. my family wasn't the best. From disregarding me, to ignoring my wishes, to the abuse and manipulation.. and I did tell you this.. juju.. I'm dreading going back into that house.. to relive all that pain and suffering i did behind those walls" juju gripping her own arm a bit tighter as Izzi continued. I: "I still have a lot of work to do in that department. Plus having someone like you overwhelms me. -Izzi paused as Juju lowered her eyes once more- no fuck... words. okay! -Izzi took a deep breath- i am not used to having a partner that cares about me the way you do, that loves and accepts all of me.. that is so warm and welcoming.. even your family.. - Izzi took another deep breath and let it out before continuing- Juju... you see me, and that scares the shit out of me. you love me enough to stick around this park after me blatantly pushing you away and knowing I am here term oiling alone... when all you were saying was that you were here for me.. I wasn't listening to you baby and I'm sorry." izzi took a few steps closer, taking a slow approach towards juju, seeing if she would accept their gesture to come closer. and like magnets, juju lowered her guard, meeting Izzi's gaze.

I: "i hear you now though... loud and clear.... I'm sorry.. i sometimes forget how much you need the communication.. how sensitive you can be when you don’t get that.. you are always so strong always so ready to help.. I admire that about you but baby.. it hard to talk about this stuff.. I can speak about it with Vic (izzis therapist) just fine.. but with you.. it’s hard because your opinion matters to me.” Juju let out a deep breath and sank into Izzi's arms finding that familiar feeling of intimacy with Izzi that she loved and cherished the most. Juju knew that talking about feelings wasn’t Izzi's strong suit, nor something that came easy to them. But Izzi has gotten a lot better, has trusted juju more with those inner demons.. but sometimes it still felt like Izzi would keep her at arms length.. especially when it came to their family. J: "Izzi… you know I would never judge you.. i do accept all of you and that includes the dark parts.. you are important to me, you matter to me.. and of course I want to help when I know that place and those people hurt you so bad..I just don't want you to feel like you have to carry all of this on your own..." I: "I am sorry..." J: " I know... and I forgive you.. so please stop saying it..”

they two stayed like that, embracing and appreciating the fact that they always had a way of making it up to one another. Juju knew she was being pushy on the topic.. but it was all with genuine intent behind it, while Izzi saw it as a way to pry. briefly forgetting that Juju was not like the rest. Juju would never use their feelings against themselves, nor intentionally hurt them. She just wanted to help ease the pain that had been spilling out from under their skin.

I: "lets get you into comfies shall we?" Juju hummed and walked ahead a bit reaching behind her to gesture for Izzi to take her hand, but what she didn't realize in that moment was a slightly elevated piece of the path causing her to miss a step. J "WAHHH!"

j: "HOLY SHIT BABE ARE YOU OKAY??! fuck im so sorry! you could have just let me fall!" I: "are you nuts??" Izzi groaned and huffed finding themselves smushed between the grass and juju's body. in the midst of juju falling, Izzi took it upon themselves to take the fall, knowing just by grabbing her wouldn't suffice. I: "ow.... shit... that is going to leave a bruise... I guess this is my payback huh?" Juju let out a chuckle it was enough to bring a sense of warmth to Izzi's heart, letting out that sigh of relief that juju is slowly emerging from her own trouble thoughts. J: "that might be.. but I also have your reward."

Previous-Next

[soundwave-macaque]

My personal queer adventure. Happy Pride!

For those who are uninterested, this is my story of how I became very queer. I yap a lot so tl;dr I'm an Aromantic Bisexual Demigirl who couldn't be more happy right now.

I am making this post in part to always remember this pride month (and specifically this day). Being queer has always been hard for me to do, growing up AMAB and surrounding myself mostly with people who judge highly for being outside the norm made me pretty convinced of some schools of thought that I currently find detestable.

Despite my struggles, finding people who accept me and learning how to allow myself to be queer has been a frankly bizarre and wonderful adventure. I wouldn't trade it for anything, even with how difficult it can be.

It was rather easy to come to the conclusion that I was Aromantic (for as long as I could remember I wasn't the biggest fan of romance) and not long after it became pretty apparent to me how attractive men can be, even if not in a romantic lens. What was really difficult was understanding what the fuck was going on with my gender identity.

It took a while for me to realize that I didn't like my assigned gender at birth. To be fair I still don't take as much issue with it as others like me do. That's probably why it was so easy to dismiss my feelings. "I hate how I look not because I'm experiencing gender dysphoria but because I'm ugly." You know, stuff like that. I felt for the longest time that I couldn't be a different gender because of how little I seemed to hate my assigned gender compared to what others said about there own gender. At the end of the day I was probably just in denial.

Things started to change when I was finally able to grow my hair out. Having long hair gave me something to actually like about myself that I didn't have before. Granted I just chalked this up to liking long hair, no implications of gender whatsoever! What was harder to deny was the way wearing dresses made me feel. One of my best friends was able to gift me one of their dresses. When I tried it on it was like I had finally woken up out of a nightmare. I actually liked what I looked like in the mirror. Liked it! Me! I looked at myself and thought "I look good"! That had never happened to me before.

Now of course this was not enough to make me consider my gender identity no no no I just liked dresses! That was totally cisgender (btw it can totally be cisgender all clothes are unisex if you try hard enough). What especially stopped this was showing this side of myself to my family. They didn't really understand. Some of them tried. Others didn't. It ended up putting a huge damper on my feelings around GNC dressing and really halted my exploration of this side of myself.

Unfortunately for those who very much did not want this outcome, my insatiable gender envy and dysphoria stopped for no mortal! I started to genuinely wish I was born with features that are more feminine. It got to the point where I had started doing research into how I could fake some feminine features. The big one being breasts. I felt like if I could get breasts it would cure a lot of my dysphoria. It was around this time I started to consider the label of demigirl. Mainly because I still don't really feel fully like a girl. I want to look like a girl and dress like a girl, but I'm not fully a girl. More and more research and time went into it and I decided to try out the label, see if things worked.

That leads us to today. In which I haven't fully completed operation fake titty, but I have something to base my feelings around. And oh my god, I love them. I realize that I do not have breasts, but seeing what looks like breasts on my body gave me so much euphoria that my brain finally full sent me into "oh shit, I'm not a man." and honestly, I don't know if I've ever felt better!

This is the only photo I'm proud enough of that has the fake breasts that I can be proud of right now, but I still wanted to share it. I can't put accurately into words how happy I am right now, but wow. This feels good. This pride month will always be special to me. Today will always be special to me. Because today was the day I finally found a piece of myself that I have felt missing for years. Happy Pride everyone. I hope yours are as good as mine is.

[drhu0806]

INFAMOUS MC THONKING AND RAMBLINGS AGAIN and you know I said I originally went the obvious crush on Orion as a bit that spiraled out of control but it is an incredibly fun thought experiment to actually ask myself, "What kind of person would be willing to make a fool of themselves in front of their crush over and over like that with seemingly no positive results for probably at minimum a year, likely longer depending on players' personal preference, and not eventually come to the sensible conclusion that they should just move on?"

So one of the answers to this is an incel, and of course I am not making Luna an incel, so the other explanation that actually makes sense is that she's got Issues--SHOCKER I know, in the midst of this cast--and maybe she's not as put together as she thinks she is. Because let's be real here, one more time: nobody sensible and well adjusted does the above shit.

Now Luna thinks she's moved on from Seven, as well as one could given the circumstances. But this blogger has read a lot of the extra content, a lot of the past history between Seven and the MC, and uhhhh yeah no that shit's not easy to move on from, fuck no. So while Luna is more well adjusted compared to Seven, there's still a lot going on in there.

NOW until the chapter devoted entirely to BreakupGate is finally dropped I have my own HCs on the general happenings of the incident and I'd say Luna holds a great deal of lingering guilt over what transpired; after all, what kind of person would be able to drive their best friend and/or lover of 12 years away so drastically?

A bad one, is what.

So Orion arrives on the scene, and Luna thinks, "Oh shit, a hot guy I kind of feel something for? Haha?" and just throws herself into it to overcompensate because of COURSE she's over Seven! If she wasn't over them how could she be pursuing someone else??? Hmmm????? She's so over them, right???

And then all the little rejections start rolling in, and you know, that's when a perfectly healthy and normal individual would eventually think, "Hmm, this person is clearly not interested. I should probably stop, do some emotional wrangling, and move on."

But Luna chooses to continue on, suffering rejection after rejection, which, based on flavor text from the story, do indeed hurt. So why keep it up?

The answer: she doesn't believe she deserves any better. Orion is, for a time, the perfect cover to pretend to the world that she's moved on from BreakupGate, all the while never actually reaching the supposed "goal" of successfully getting together with someone who seems like a great guy so that she stays alone in spite of how much she wishes she wasn't, because she still feels so terrible about what happened with Seven and is so terrified of hurting someone like that again.

Now I doubt this will actually be a thing when the time comes in the actual story, but I think it would be interesting to have an option for people who chose this route with O to have a moment to interrogate their feelings, because for Luna, I think the moment Orion shows reciprocation, it's going to be the coldest douse of emotional ice water, and there is going to be a HEAVY need for a lot of introspection in those following moments.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, if you're holding a torch for someone for that long, you should maybe consider counseling/therapy because that's just not healthy.