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calumfmu · 9 months ago

Text

sugar coated melting.

Being assistant to the famous Steve Harrington wasn't an easy task, he was demanding as ever and made sure he was nice to everyone but you. But a job was a job, and it was the cost of working in Hollywood.

Famous!Steve Harrington x Assistant!reader (modern!au, with 40's Steve) 7.5k+ words

cw: older Steve Harrington, smut, loss of virginity, inexperienced!reader, AFAB reader, angst (what's new), mentions of death, swearing, 18+, mdni

Working with one of the most famous actors in the world was draining, exhausting, taxing, everything you could negatively describe. He was such a high maintenance person, he made your job seem like a constant boot camp run for the Navy Seals. Your best friend had cackled at that supply of information.

Steve wasn’t a bad person, no. He was handsome (obviously, he had been voted most handsome of the previous 2 years in a row), kind (to most people—who weren’t you), and compassionate (he let you eat his leftovers that one time you had gotten stuck on set for 16 straight hours). You were getting paid to say nice things about him if anyone had asked.

Life working as his head assistant was just a drag. It was everything you had dreamed of doing when you were a kid, working in Hollywood with big A-listers, attending red carpets, seeing the way movies worked. The job wasn’t the problem, it… was him.

A script was shoved into your hands as you thought of giving it to the man. The look on his face was burned into the back of your mind, irritation crossing his features as you imagined giving him the bad news. He always took things out on you, attitude forward as he said some slick remark.

Last minute script change, typical of productions like these. Something that anyone could expect while working on these things. Anyone with a normal level of patience would handle it well, take it with stride.

Your fingers rapped against the trailer door, aluminum warm to the touch from the sun beating down on it. Movement sounded behind the door, mumbling a few words out at you.

The door swung open, Steve rubbing at his eyes with his hair sticking in every direction. Fuck, he was asleep. It made it so much worse delivering the news.

“Heyyy, boss,” you beamed, voice raising a few octaves. You held out the script to him, cringing slightly. “Nothing too crazy, just a sliight chan-”

“No,” the door slammed in your face, your eyes closing as the bright reflection shone on you. Your smile immediately dropped, the reflection of your face on the white aluminum door looking back at you.

Red seethed through you, frustration prickling at the back of your neck. You knocked again, this day becoming even longer with each passing second.

“Mr. Harrington.” You were met with silence, ear pressing to the door to hear any movement. You waited a beat, knocking more urgently.

“Don’t want it, tell them no,” he grumbled behind the door, his voice sounded across the trailer, muffled through the closed door.

You took a deep breath, trying to find the patience to not go off on him. You were his assistant, not his agent, not the director of the film, not anything else. What did he realistically think you were going to do about a script change?

“‘M just delivering it, Mr. Harrington.” Your voice was level. “I don’t even think it’s your lines that changed.”

A faint note of music came through the door, Steve deciding to tune you out. Looking towards the sky, you squinted, finding prayer between the clouds.

“Mr. Harrington!”

Another PA walked by you, speaking into the earpiece she had with a clipboard in hand. You raised a hand to greet her, faux smile crossing your lips as you pretended everything was okay. She waved back, making her way in between the trailers and out of your eyesight.

As soon as she disappeared, your fist came up to bang at the door, louder than before.

It opened in the middle of your fit, you nearly stumbled into the trailer. You cut your eyes at your boss, biting your tongue at the swear words that threatened to come out.

The man was well past 30 years old, but still acted like a spoiled brat.

“Fine,” he said through his teeth, grabbing the stack of papers from your hand. He barely glanced at it before tossing it on the small couch behind him. Your eyes followed it, noticing the mess of bottles on the floor around it.

He followed your gaze with his own eyes, stepping into your eyesight as he closed the door slightly.

“Anything else, Yn?” A pinch of attitude at your name. Typical.

You smiled at the man, frustration disappearing as you were just grateful this episode of his didn’t last as long as it did last week.

“No, sir, that would be it for me,” you gave him a slightly bow, clasping your hands in front of you before swiveling on your heel. Descending the mini set of stairs, you rolled your eyes, back to him as you descended. “Fucking twat.”

“I heard that!” His voice was far behind you, your feet moving fast across the blacktops. You smiled back at him, waving as confusion crossed your features.

“Sorry sir, I said it was fucking hot!” You lied straight through your teeth. “Outside, you know? Pardon my language.”

You rolled your eyes once more, turning back on your mission to get back inside the building. You and him both knew what you said, but you didn’t have it in you to care. Nothing you did would get you fired, trust, have you tried.

It was like you were in your own personal Purgatory. You assumed Steve liked you, he wouldn’t fire you even on your worst days. You had fucked up many times, forgetting things, slipping up on his to do list, calling the wrong people for the wrong events. More recently, he had heard the rude nicknames you had for him, and he just didn’t seem to care.

You had heard him one time, whisper under his breath about “best help in Hollywood”. It was sarcastic of course, his eye roll you’ve been well acquainted with to follow.

The last few weeks have been more of a hell for you, Steve becoming more temperamental and moody, you becoming the worst employee on planet Earth. You begged to be fired at this point, your shot at unemployment looking more and more appetizing.

A sudden ring cut through the air, your back pocket buzzing. Pulling it out, you nearly ripped your hair out, Steve’s contact popping up on the screen. I could ignore it, you thought. This could finally be my chance at escaping him.

Your thoughts were cut short, the phone ringing again as Steve's name popped up. He didn't even let the first one finish before trying you again.

"Oh, Mr. Harrington," you breathed, hand pressed into your brow as you answered. "Hi, sorry, sir. Did you need me?"

"Need you to come back," you heard him say, voice muffled as he seemed to be doing other things on the other side of the line. Your feet responded before your brain did, autopilot in motion. "Script's not fucking working, and I just-"

Something fell in the background, and your footsteps faltered. You ignored it, rolling your eyes yet again at his antics.

"Are you okay, sir?" You asked, seeing his trailer in the distance. One of the trailer windows had its blinds half up, he paced back and forth.

You approached it, listening to him as he rambled on the phone, speaking about how much he hated this director and his damn agent for giving him these roles. Fighting back laughter, you cosigned with him, not choosing to mention that this stupid role was worth $13 million.

You raised your fist to knock at the door, it swinging open before you could even make a noise. The three dial tones of the phone call ending rung in your ears, Steve grumbling at you to enter.

"A-are you sure, sir?" Hesitation filled you, you weren't used to stepping into his trailer. You think you'd been in it once during the last seven months of production, grabbing his left behind cell phone before they traveled to location.

Steve didn't look at you the whole time, just muttering words under his breath as he held the brand new scripts in his hand. He was pacing, feet burning holes in the carpet of the trailer.

You slowly stepped in, apprehensively closing the door behind you. Hands clasped in front of you, you stood in close proximity to the door, eyes shifting over the large trailer.

He had clothes thrown over one end of the vehicle, previous scripts sitting on the makeshift table, and a half full glass of a dark colored liquid next to it. You eyed it, brow furrowing as you swore this man had been sober for the past few years--or at least, that's what the news outlets said about him. Not like you kept up.

"Sir," you interjected his thoughts, causing him to stop in place. He still didn't look at you. "Why am I here?"

Curt answers were the easiest way for you to pretend to be nice to him. You knew you couldn't be outright rude, this was your boss after all. Saying stuff under your breath and if he accidentally heard was another thing.

He ignored you.

"How is this supposed to be the Oscar nomination when they have me acting like this?" He exhaled a small shout at the end of his words, your eyes squinting at the volume. "Does this make sense to you? It's like they want me to make a fool of myself, no?"

You shifted uncomfortably, glancing at the floor. "I'm not sure how you want me to answer that, sir."

He waited a moment, sighing loudly as he collapsed on the couch, arm thrown over his eyes. You looked at him then, seeing the way his chest heaved as he shook his eyes. The sun was setting now, golden hour lighting inching through the windows over his figure. His bed head was still wild, even more messy than it was previously.

"W-what would you like me to do, sir?" You asked, arms crossing over your chest as you felt the awkwardness creep into the air. This was the longest you had been in a room with him, at least, with no one around.

Glancing at the watch on your wrist, you took note of your 'shift' being almost over. It was a quarter to seven, your freedom lingering in the distance.

"Sir?"

"Enough!" He cut out, breaking his silence. You jumped at the words, ducking your head as his outburst came. This was the Steve you knew, the short tempered boss who was always so moody whenever things didn't go his way.

You opted for silence, not daring to speak as you awaited his next choice of words.

His arm left his face, palm running down his features as he stared into the ceiling of the trailer.

"Sorry, I just," his voice was significantly lower. He sat up on the edge of the couch, his palms resting on his thighs. "I just need you to take me home."

Your eyes closed briefly, irritation quickly crossing you as you realized this was going to be a longer day than you imagined. If Steve had needed you longer than you were scheduled, then so be it.

"Why?" The word wasn't supposed to come out, replacing the 'okay' that sat on the edge of your mouth.

His gaze cut to you quickly, searching your face as you stood there. Eyes burning slightly, you felt tears prickling. The pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and Friends rerun marathon looking further away from you could bring you to tears.

"Because I employ you, do I not?" The harshness in his words did nothing but fuel the 'Hollywood Tell All' feature you planned for the day you quit.

"You do, sir, yes," You muttered, hands dropping to your side in defeat. "I just thought you'd drive yourself like normal. You know, day ends, and I'll see you here the next day, eight sharp like normal."

"I can't--no," he answered, standing up as he gathered his things. "I don't have to explain myself to you. You just need to take me home. You can drive my car."

The words to protest him were lost in your throat. You complied with his actions, eyes to the floor as he finished gathering his things. Following him out of the trailer, you sighed, feeling like you were walking into a lion's den.

The walk to the private lot was silent, Steve grumbling to himself as he texted someone on his phone. You noticed his phone ringing several times, his thumb finding the red button to end it each time. Curse words came out of his mouth every few seconds, a few from your own mouth being added to the mix as you thought of ways to leave.

As the two of you came across an old school beemer sitting deep in the parking lot, he threw the keys at you, settling into the passenger seat. Reluctantly, you slide in the driver's seat, feeling the leather interior beneath your fingers.

"Nice car, boss," You whispered, checking out how the car didn't even look a day out of 1985. Steve side eyed you, nodding at the compliment before returning to his phone.

"Get us there in one piece, yeah?"

You sucked your teeth as his comment, shaking your head before starting the car. It was like it was impossible for him to be a decent person. Here you were, doing something for this man which may or may not be in your contract, and he couldn't even say thank you to a compliment about his car.

The ride was silent save for an old tape that played in the car. Some band from the 80's you noted, a little too old for your taste. Steve's fingers tapped away at his phone, not focused on the LA traffic you sat in for most of the drive. He gave you directions to his swanky high rise, ignored you as you struggled to keep up with him.

You pulled into an underground garage, valet men coming immediately, opening the door for you as they took the keys. Everything happened in such fast motion, you barely noticed he was half way to the elevator. Jogging to catch up with him, you turned your own attention to your phone, thumb hovering over the Uber app.

Steve took a call, fingers rapidly pressing the elevator button as he spoke (yelled) at the person on the other end.

"No, Robin, I'm not doing that, okay?" He said, voice gruff as he glanced at you. You heard the static voice of the person on the other line, seeming to be yelling at him too.

The elevator dinged, the two of your bodies stepping in as the doors opened. The transportation app on your phone lagged, loading bar stagnant on your screen.

"No, I get it, it's been years. Fine, I-" Steve groaned in frustration, eyes repeatedly shifting over to you as you tried to tune out the phone call. You stared at the numbers the elevator passed, the first floor blinking by before you could say anything. Your phone remain in your hand, screen dimming as it began to time out.

"Robin. I know."

The voice on the other line picked up, the woman's voice growing even louder. Steve pulled the phone away from his ear slightly, grimacing at the volume. The elevator stopped at a floor labeled 'P', doors opening to a mini lobby that ended in double doors. He went over to unlock them, key fob in his hands as a beep sounded through the empty room.

As he stepped through them, phone balanced on his shoulder with his ear pressed to it, he looked at you. You stood right outside the elevator, doors closing behind you as you didn't know what to do.

He held open his front door, hand waving at you in frustration. "Well, are you coming in?"

You pressed your lips together, another wave of irritation pulling at your teeth. Eyes half rolling, you nodded, entering the doors as he closed and locked it behind you.

Steve moved fast, throwing his jacket over a couch that lay in the middle of the giant room, toeing off his shoes by its side. You stood in place, not sure what to do as your boss made his way around his home.

You took note of the place, not picturing that he would live in a place like this. It was modern, with a touch of old school fashion. Retro furniture, expensive nonetheless. Floor to ceiling windows, overlooking the city. However, not a touch of life, no personal pictures, no sign of family, or anything personal that may shine light on what type of person he truly was.

You stepped in further to the place, watching as Steve made his way to a cabinet in his kitchen. Observing him over the breakfast bar, you saw into the open kitchen, watched him as he grabbed a rocks glass and a bottle of something pushed far back into a cabinet.

He continued on the phone, placing it on speaker as he began to open the bottle. He struggled at first, face turning up as his hands twisted on the cap.

Slowly making your way around the room, you glanced around, expecting him to yell at you for even being here, despite inviting you in.

"Steve," you heard the voice on the other line say. His eyes drifted towards the phone, pouring a hefty shot. "All I'm saying is, I miss you. And care for you. I love you. I want you to be okay today, alright?"

Steve grunted in response, not noticing your proximity to him. You cleared your throat slightly, wanting to gain his attention.

The woman on the phone waited for more of a response. Once it was clear she wasn't going to get one, she sighed. "If you change your mind, you know where to find us."

"Yeah sure," his tone was rude, eyes boring into the glass of dark liquid that sat in front of him. His fingers danced at the rim.

"Eddie would've wanted you to come."

Steve's body language immediately stiffened, finger moving to hang up the phone before throwing back the shot of liquor. His face grimaced at the taste, slamming the glass back on the table.

You didn't know what to say, looking anywhere but at your boss.

"Fuck, I forgot you were even here," he suddenly said, hand running through his hair. His hand was on his hip, eyes glossy as he looked at you. You chewed at your bottom lip, nodding as he stared at you. He pointed to the alcohol, shrugging. "Drink?"

Declining, your head shook. "I don't drink, sir."

"Ahh," he said, grabbing the glass and bottle as he headed towards the couch. "Good girl."

He threw himself down on the furniture, exhaling loudly as he stretched out. His eyes were closed as you stood across the room.

"Hey, I-I think I'm gonna go," you said, beginning to walk towards the exit. "I'll see you tomorrow."

As you crossed the room, Steve's voice called out to you. Your movements stopped, turning on your heel to look at him.

"Stay?" He asked you, eyes huge as they looked in your direction. You took note of his features, blinking at him as he awaited your response. Your boss was approaching his 40's, however, in this moment, he looked just like a little kid. Pictures of him in his teen years you had seen on the Internet were pushed to the forefront of your mind.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Mr. Harrington," you muttered, wanting to leave the scene.

His eyes fell to the floor briefly before he spoke out, "Steve."

"Huh?" You were confused, this sudden change in his attitude.

"You can call me Steve," he said, shifting his body as he relaxed into the couch. "We've known each other for a few years now, figured we should might as well be on a first name basis."

Fighting back the eye roll, you were reminded in the ways your boss had made your life into chaos.

"I bet you a million dollars, you don't even know my name, sir."

His gaze softened, laughing out loud as your hard exterior slowly came back.

"Yn." He muttered, smile dancing at his mouth.

You didn't know what to say, stuck between dashing out of his apartment or staying and seeing what type of Steve Harrington you were going to get today.

"I figure I should apologize for the way I've acted today," he said, turning forward as his gaze left your way. You didn't know why, but your feet followed it, walking closer so you could sit next to him. Lowering your self on the couch, you felt self conscious, like he was going to snap any second.

You snorted, "Today?"

He was staring at the bottle of alcohol in front of him, smile still on his face. Laughing at your comment, he shrugged.

"I have been a dick, haven't I?" He whispered, shaking his head as the smile slowly dropped from his face. His voice dropped to a whisper, eyes unfocused as he stared in front of himself. "Such a fucking dick."

You didn't know why, but you felt the need to comfort the man. He was clearly going through something at the moment, if the look alone on his face was any tell.

"Hey, not too bad of one," you wanted to reach out to grab him.

"Don't lie," he laughed, head turning your way. His eyes met yours, deep brown staring into the color of yours. You noticed moles dotting his face, slight lines of aging covering his features. He was still youthful, his eyes telling the tale of a once young boy who was within. "I've been terrible. And you don't deserve that."

A pang hit your heart, feeling the weight of his words. You didn't really deserve his treatment. No matter if he paid you or not.

He continued his words, eyes staring past you. "And yet here I am, sitting here with my assistant. Drinking for the first time in years." A laugh bubbled out of him, hands running down his face as he leaned further back into the couch. "You know I'm supposed to be in Indiana right now?"

You shook your head, not wanting to interrupt him. Making yourself comfortable, you took off your shoes, slipping your feet underneath yourself.

"Well, I'm supposed to be in Indiana, it's the 20th anniversary of, uhm," his voice cracked, eyes welling up with a tear that was blinked back. "It's the anniversary of one of my friend's dying, and I'm not there."

Breath catching in your throat, you didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, sir," you muttered, hand reaching out to rest at his thigh. The touch was inappropriate, but so was this interaction you could say.

He looked down at your hand, watching your thumb as it brushed over his jeans.

"It's okay," he responded, eyes finding yours again. "It's been so long."

You nodded, eyes scanning his face as he forced the corners of his mouth to be turned into a smile. You saw right through it, recognizing the pain of a lost loved one straight through. "I don't think that matters."

His face dropped, sincerity crossing his features as he dipped to glance at your hand once more. Silence over took the two of you, the faint sounds of the streets of LA below you, Steve's staggered breathing as he willed himself not to cry. You were patient, finding comfort in the air as he found his words.

"We were all so young, and it feels so long ago, almost like it doesn't exist anymore," he finally said, voice even. "But I know it does. I just have to face it, I've been running from it ever since it happened."

He gestured to his surroundings, and the puzzle clicked into place. This fame and jerk persona that Steve carried himself in, hid the real him. He ran from all of his problems, like anyone else would, especially when dealing with something as traumatic like he had.

You didn't know the details, didn't care to ask, since it seemed to affect him so much. All you knew was that person who had passed so long ago did matter to him, in ways that you couldn't imagine.

Letting him continue his mumblings about the person he used to know, you found out that his name had been Eddie, the one you heard on the phone before. Robin, long time best friend of his, was trying to get him to come out to reconnect with everyone, he hadn't seen much of them since the 'accident', as he had called it. He kept in touch with everyone over the phone, but seeing them in person was a whole different story. It opened up old wounds that he was afraid of what it might bring out.

The story was slightly confusing, him mentioning something about how they all had nearly lost their lives, details that would leave you wondering what this man had gone through. None of this information was available about him in the public, his childhood always being a vague story that never connected.

"So you have kids then?" You questioned, confused on how you never picked up on this detail. There had to have been at least five of them, names you had never heard before now.

Steve laughed suddenly, shaking his head as his hand rested on your own thigh. The two of you were much closer now, as his story unfolded. Your thighs were touching, each other's hands on resting upon each other, mere inches away from your faces.

"No, I don't have any. I guess, I should stop calling them kids now, you know?" His laugh was low in his throat. "They have kids of their own at this point, so they're far from it."

"Oh..." You were dumbfounded, all of this information being at a loss to you. You weren't here to understand, just here to listen.

"You know what, I'm sorry," he suddenly said, removing his hand from your leg. You wanted to whine at the absence, cold replacing his warm touch. "Maybe you should go, actually. This is pretty, uhm..."

"Unprofessional?" You supplied, inching closer as your boss sat there, wide eyed looking at you. In the dark light of his apartment, you could see the way his brown eyes glimmered at you. "I guess we're even then, me calling you a twat earlier."

Steve cackled, pinching the bridge of his nose as he thought of the events earlier.

"I knew you said that!"

You blushed, fighting back your own smile.

"It's not my fault, you were acting like one." Your lips pursed together, observing the older man in front of you.

Silence crept over you, the first break in conversation since his phone call ended earlier. Steve stared at you, eyes darting over your features as his teeth scraped over his bottom lip. You felt shy under his gaze, not knowing what to think of the moment as your boss was closer in proximity than he had ever been in your life.

"Can I make it up to you?"

His voice was low, and you were nodding before you even knew what he meant. Grabbing your cheek in his hand, the man leaned forward, capturing your lips into his. The gasp in your throat was lost in his mouth, a shuttering moan coming out instead.

His lips were soft, slightly chapped as they moved against yours. Fluttering your eyes closed, you leaned into the kiss, moving your hand so it rest at the curve of his hip, belt loop curling in your fingers.

He tasted of whiskey, the remnants of the few shots he had earlier lingering on his tongue. Steve pulled away slightly, muttering, "This okay?" against your lips as you nodded, pulling him in by his hair with your other hand.

Your breath grew more shallow as the kiss continued, leaning back as Steve began to tower over you. He shifted in his seat, covering your body with his own as he began to push you back into the couch. His figure was large over yours, scent of vanilla and cedar nearly suffocating you.

With your back flush against the couch, Steve removed himself from your lips, pressing a slight kiss against your jaw. You arched into the touch, palms running over the tight muscle of his back.

"S-steve," you moaned, squeezing your eyes shut as his lips kissed over your neck. Each press of his mouth sent fireworks down your spine.

He returned his lips to yours, moving with a passion that was lacking previously, confidence replacing the apprehension he once felt.

Your legs spread, inviting him to nestle in between, the thick material of his jeans rubbing against your own. A bulge was present, the thought of what lay underneath sending goosebumps over your skin.

Steve was lost in the kiss, his mouth nipping at yours as he reached down to unbutton your pants, slipping a hand to run over the front of your panties.

"W-wait," you muttered, grabbing his wrist as you pulled away from the kiss. He was confused, mouth red and swollen. His fingers pressed at your covered clit, a small shot of pleasure running through you.

"What's wrong, Yn?" The hand connected to his elbow that propped him up, ran through your hair, tucking a strand behind your ear. Concern crossed his features, searching your face as doubt crossed it.

"I just, uhh," you felt shy, avoiding his eye contact as the words stumbled out. "I've never really done this before?"

His eyes bulged out, sitting up suddenly as he leaned over you. Closing your eyes in embarrassment, you pressed the palm of your hand to your forehead. Way to ruin the moment.

"Oh," he breathed, eyes wide as he scanned you. "We don't-- fuck, sorry. I'm so, uh, wow."

He stood up suddenly, leaving you laying on your back as embarrassment colored your cheeks. You didn't know what to say as the older man panicked.

"Maybe, uh, maybe this was a bad idea," he shook his head, hand reaching down to palm at the front of his pants. Your eyes followed his hand, noticing the prominent bulge.

You spoke out, shaking your head as you didn't make any effort to move. The turn of events tonight made you realize how much you did want the man who stood before you.

"No, we can, it's okay," you said, reaching out to grab his hand that hung by his side. He looked down at your grasp before bringing his eyes to meet yours. "It's alright."

He hesitated, sputtering over something to say.

"Steve, it's okay," you pulled him down, his knees straddling the sides of your hips as he reluctantly settled into the couch. His eyes ran over your body, lingering at the spot where your pants were unbuttoned, cotton panties exposed.

"A-are you sure?" He questioned, moving to lean back down over you. You nodded, leaning up on your elbows to press a chaste kiss to his lips. His tongue darted out, wetting your bottom lip.

A breathy moan escaped your mouth, palm caressing the front of his shirt.

"I want to, it's fine."

You knew it was now or never, this moment with your boss being an opportunity that you couldn't have passed up. You always had a crush on him growing up, the face of Hollywood you would see in your teen magazines, posters covering the room of your friends. Working for him would've never had you imagining that it would lead to this moment.

Steve took control of the situation, kissing down your neck as his hand returned between your legs, pants thrown across the room somewhere. It had happened so fast, you barely noticed the cool air that pulled goosebumps from your skin.

"Tell me if you want to stop, okay?" He muttered, freshly shaved stubble prickling against your chin. You could barely get out a moan as your underwear was pulled down your legs, catching at the crook of your ankles.

You felt his fingers brush over your folds, pressing lightly at the slick entrance. His thumb rubbed in small circles over your small bundle of nerves, an eye-rolling feeling that spread your legs apart. His fingers pushed inside, his own moan coming out over yours.

The feeling of the intrusion had you panting, spreading your legs wider while his thick fingers worked you.

"M-more," you begged, throwing your head back as his fingers found a rhythm. He stretched you out over two fingers at this point, thumb collecting slick as it rubbed over your clit.

Steve's fingers curled inside of you, brushing against your sweet spot deep inside. The look on his face was one of admiration, mouth slack as he looked down at you falling apart under his touch.

"That's okay?" His voice was husky, deep with arousal as your hips began to move in time with his fingers. Your orgasm was approaching, hips moving on their own accord as you chased that high.

"God, yes, Steve."

Pushing your shirt up past your bra, Steve gaped at the sight before him, your fingers dipping inside your bra to toy at your own breasts.

"You look so perfect, angel," he muttered, leaning down to capture your lips into his as you fell apart. That white blinding of your orgasm crept in, starting at the base of your spine and blossoming through your entire body. Against his mouth, you shouted out, squeezing your eyes shut as he fingered you through the high.

It took a minute for you to catch your breath, legs spasming from the shocks of the orgasm. You hissed at the over stimulation, Steve pressing into your clit one last time before removing himself from you.

You felt shy suddenly, the haze from the orgasm clearing as you realized you had just done unimaginable things with your boss. Seeming to read your mind, Steve pressed small kisses around the perimeter of your face.

"It's alright," he said, hovering over you. Against your thigh, you could feel his bulge rub against you. "How are you feeling, good?"

You nodded, words at a loss in your throat. You reached up to place a hand on his neck, the other at his waist as you played with the hem of his shirt. His eyes fluttered close briefly before glancing down at where you were slightly tugging his shirt up.

He made eye contact with you, chewing on his bottom lip. "I need words, angel. Gotta make sure everything is 100% okay, okay?"

"I'm alright, Steve," you gasped, looking down where your own hand rubbed at the exposed part of his abdomen. You needed more, wanted to feel him all over you. You began to pull his shirt over his body, watching as he glanced down at you with hooded eyes. "Just need more of you."

He slowly nodded, sitting back on his knees as he unbuttoned his own pants and slid them down his legs. You giggled at him as he struggled to get them off, the smoothness he had previously disappearing as he nearly toppled off the couch.

You pulled your own shirt and bra off of you, dropping them on the floor next to the couch. "Nice own, old man," you laughed, returning to your spot against the couch.

He frowned at you, lip jutting out in an over exaggerated pout. "Heeyy, I still got it."

You were left breathless, the laughter disappearing at the tip of your tongue as his figure returned to cover your body. The tip of his cock nudged at your entrance, the wetness pooling at the head leaving you gasping.

Steve reached down to rub his cock against the length of your cunt, spreading the slick all over as you arched into him.

"Fuuckk, Steve." You hooked your ankle over his hip, warmness pooling in your belly at the thought of him being inside you. His eyes raked over you, lingering on your nipples as they shook with each moan you gave.

"You sure about this, Yn?" He asked, leaning down to dart his tongue over the skin of your breast. It sent shivers down your spine, another wave of heat rushing to your core. "I don't want to do anything you'll regret."

"'M not gonna regret this," you gasped, feeling the way the head of his cock slightly pushed at you. It burned, fuck, he was big.

The slight intrusion had you gripping at his back, leaving crescent moon marks in the skin. Your breath came out ragged, a whine scratching at the back of your throat.

Steve grunted at you, pushing in slowly as he buried his head into your shoulder. He stopped every few inches, hips stuttering slightly as he fought back to urge to fuck back into you full force.

Being an all new feeling, you couldn't help but mewl at every burn of the stretch, a fullness you had never experienced before.

He pressed to the hilt, hips flush against yours as Steve gasped for air in tune with you. He pulled his head back to make eye contact with you, forehead resting against yours. You felt the slight grinding of his hips against yours, the fullness becoming too much as you were stretched over him.

"You gotta bare with me, baby." The nickname had you moaning, fingers reaching down to dig at the plumpness of his ass. You could barely keep your eyes open, senses overwhelmed with Steve. "'S been a while for me."

Nodding, you gasped as he reared his hips back before they stuttered into you again. The movement sent a wave of slick between your thighs again, pleasure blinding you.

He found his rhythm, hips fucking into you slowly, languidly as you fell apart beneath him. You rocked with every movement of his hips, hands running over the tan skin of his body above you.

Finding his lips, you moaned against his mouth, savoring the feeling that was building up in your abdomen as the two of you moved in sync.

Steve gave you words of affirmation, hips drilling into you over and over as his cock brushed over your deep bundle of nerves. Bliss approached you once more, wetness dripping all over him as you were brought to that high again.

"Gonna cum, Steve," you whispered against his mouth, back arching into him. He reached down between you, fingers toying at your clit as they began to rub in small circles.

"Cum for me baby," he breathed, voice low as your eyes rolled back. His voice brought you over the edge, high shout escaping your lips as that pleasure took over you again.

As he fucked your through your orgasm, his own approached, hips losing their rhythm as you felt his release deep inside you. A low groan of his came out, a breathy fuck being the last thing you remember before you closed your eyes.

Your body felt light, head foggy as you came down from your orgasm. It was pure bliss what you felt, heart pounding in your chest as sleep took over you.

You shot out of bed, frantically searching for your phone as you realized the sun was creeping through the curtains. Crisp, white sheets were pooled around you, swallowing you up whole.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," you muttered, trying to search for your device in the darkness of the room. The dark curtains were drawn, only allowing a sliver of light in, but enough for you to realize how late in the morning it was.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, anxiety crept over you, realizing you weren't in your room. A tossing figure lay next to you, his body half covered as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. In that moment, everything from last night came crashing back, embarrassment flooding your cheeks.

"Hey, Yn, what's wrong?" Steve's voice was groggy, as he blinked in the darkness of the room. He glanced towards the curtains and then to you, noticing the way you covered your frame with the corner of the sheet.

"What time is it?" You half shouted, looking on the bedside table for your phone. Steve was no help, slowly stretching out his limbs as he yawned.

"Too fucking early for you to be that loud," he muttered, sitting up on his elbows. The sheet pooled around his waist, exposing his bare abdomen and a deep V that cut below his waist.

You quickly looked away, blush deepening on your face. "We have to go, Ste-Mr. Harrington. We're gonna be in so much trouble."

You heard him chuckle at you, sighing as he relaxed once again in the bed. His arms circled your waist, pulling you down into him as you continued to panic. He lay behind you, your head resting on his chest as he buried his face into your shoulder.

"Shhh," he whispered, tightening his grip on your waist. "Called in today, came down with something apparently."

You shook your head, resting your hands on his where they rested on your stomach. "Can you even do that?"

"What are they gonna do? Fire me?" He laughed, pressing a light kiss to your shoulder. The anxiety that built up in your spine disappeared at his touch, the familiarity of his body replacing it. You turned in his arms, now chest to chest with the man.

His eyes were closed, sleepiness still evident over his features.

"Are you going to fire me?" You whispered at him, watching as his brow furrowed before he squinted open his eyes at you.

"What? No, what are you talking about?" He seemed genuinely confused at your question, hand rubbing at your waist. Relief took stake in your chest.

"I slept with my boss last night," you laughed at yourself, voice dropping even lower as you saw a smirk cross his face. He was smug, shaking his head with laughter as you playfully slapped at his chest.

"Pretty sure I'm the one with a lawsuit pending if anything," he said, laughter dying as you placed a small peck to his lips.

As you pulled away, he leaned into it further, tongue darting out to lick at yours. A wave of arousal pooled in the pit of your stomach.

He towered over you, mouth nipping at you as you sighed into the kiss. The two of you moved in sync, you moving onto your back as Steve leaned over your figure. A breathy moan escaped your lips, only to be cut off by his phone ringing.

"For fuck's sake," he grumbled, separating himself from you as he reached for it on his side of the bed. He answered it quickly, realizing it was his publicist as he placed it on speaker. "What d'you need, man?"

His lips returned to yours briefly, before kissing down your neck. The sheets were slowly pulled off of you as he made his way down, nipping at your chest, then your nipple, and soft kisses pressed to your stomach.

Your mouth fell open in a silent moan, trying to stay as quiet as possible as his publicist droned on about some appearance he had to make in the next week. Steve was staring up at you, making small confirmation 'mhm's' in response to the phone call. A coy smile was on the corners of your mouth as you looked down at him wide eyed.

'Stop' you mouthed through gritted teeth. He nipped at your hip bone in protest, shaking his head at you.

You couldn't tell if it was Steve's mouth pressing to your heat or the next word's of his publicist that made your stomach drop.

"While we're at it, Steve, how about we talk how Page Six has pictures of you with a mysterious somebody in your apartment building?" They grumbled, voice staticy as it came through the phone. You felt Steve smirk against you, tongue lapping between your legs. "Aren't we a little too old to bring people back to your own place like that?"

A moan escaped you as you gripped at his hair. Steve looked up at you, wide eyed as he reached up to slap a hand across your mouth. 'Shhh', he mouthed, his own laugh threatening to spill out as his publicist's voice faltered at the noise.

"St-steve?" It said, apprehension in the tone. "Are you doing what I think you're doing? Really, man?"

Steve laughed as his hand remained over your mouth, muffling the sounds of your own laughter. They would recognize it if they heard it. He grabbed the phone from where it lay abandon, speaking into it as his thumb hovered the 'end call'.

"Something came up, gotta take care of it," he grimaced at you as you licked his hand. "Bye!"

He hung up right as the voice protested, tossing his phone aside as he leaned over you once again. His long hair hung in his face, eyes raking over your naked body.

"Now... where were we?"

an: I had to sneak in a line from All of Us Strangers because that movie was so moving. If you know, you know. I promise one of these days, I won't make Steve an asshole right off the bat, he'll be lovable.

masterlist. inbox and requests are open!

#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington smut #fanfic #my writing #writing my dark fantasies and praying they come true to my alt universe self

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loserlvrss · 6 months ago

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꒰ 𝐎𝐏𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓 ꒱ 김동현

summary : you and your boyfriend were truly opposites, but the saying has always been that they attract, hasn’t it?

genre : fluff, leehan x afab!reader, college!au, slice of life tws : language, zombies (yeah..), pet names, mentions of not eating (could be linked to a eating disorder but also idrk) author notes : cringe couple alert (that should be me) word count : 1.4k

your hands were covered in clay, grey-brown coating your skin. you could feel the uncomfortable, but familiar feeling of it drying on your wrists, and you were glad you wore something you were okay with getting messy; because today you had done so many pieces, you were covered in muck.

you had just finished a vase, the bottom a thick sphere, tapering off as it furthered to the top. you spread the wire, after picking it up from beside you, and ran it along the stone. you picked it up carefully, grabbing the damp sponge to smooth out any finger prints.

pottery was your hobby, and you were glad you majored in art. you loved doing pieces on the wheel, and you loved sculpting unconventional things. it never felt like homework to do, and you often found yourself forgetting all about time and spending hours in the schools basement; dusty and dirty, haired tied back, back and shoulders sore, and sweats caked over.

that being said, you also often forgot to have meals as collateral to your happiness, spend time with your friends, and do things that people would deem normal. you hated the saying that you weren’t like other girls but truthfully you’d rather be in this dimly lit room than a club, like the people your age were.

but there was also one person who refused to let you starve to death in this poorly decorated room. and truthfully, he hated the flashing lights just as much, if not more than you did.

“y/n,” you looked up, a smile plastering to your features at the sight of your boyfriend who had been doing work on his computer waiting for you to finish for the last however long. “you’re done?” you nodded, moving the piece to the side, preparing to take it over by your others waiting to get glazed and fired. “it’s pretty.”

“i was thinking about painting little fishes on it and putting it inside our apartment after it gets graded, what do you think?”

“only if you eat first.” he stated, making you laugh in response. “going to die in this ugly place one day, y/n. i swear i’m going to find your body, and that wheel’s still going to be spinning.”

you walked over to the sink, opting to listen as you felt your stomach growl at the thought of eating something for, maybe, the second time today.

“my girlfriend would be a zombie, oh my god, an artsy zombie. wait, what does that even mean?”

you tried your best to scrape the clay from under your nails, however you both were used to finding it in weird places—laughing about it like it was an inside joke.

“actually, i think you might be hot like that. imagine all the rotting skin—you’d never have to do skincare ever again because it’d be falling off all the time—messy hair, but i think you’d hate this being your forever ghost outfit.”

you made a grossed-out face at his obvious jokes; however if he had said this to, or around, anyone else, it would’ve seemed genuine due to his monotone nature and straight face.

“you’re so strange, donghyun. if zombies were your type, i could’ve done my makeup differently.” you pinched his cheek with wet fingers. “but i love you anyways… even if you wouldn’t make a hot zombie.”

“what?” he exclaimed. “no way you think this!”

you were taken aback. “i didn’t know you were so serious about us being zombies… we could be a silly-little zombie couple if you want.” you giggled.

he scoffed. “how romantic, y/n. truly,”

“shut up.” you stuck your tongue out at him. “what’d you bring today?”

he took out a glass container; because he refused the plastic ones, saying something about the consumption of microplastics and fish long before you two had even entertained the idea of being in a relationship, to which you replied, save the turtles, and thrusted your fist in the air.

“leftovers from last night.” he stated, uncovering the pizza you two had shared over a couple episodes of game of thrones. you were late to the hype, but you liked the show nonetheless. he had fallen asleep on top of you after your hand had made its way into his shaggy hair, half an episode in, small snores echoing against the drama.

you two woke up on the couch in the morning.

“do you want me to heat yours up?” you questioned, motioning to the microwave that was probably older than either of you. “you know i’d rather have it cold as leftovers… but if you want me t—”

he took a bite, focusing back on his laptop. “don’t worry about it, love.”

you, too, took a bite. “what are you even working on?” you asked curiously, looking over his shoulder.

his face was inches from yours when he turned. “can you chew any louder in my ear?” you scoffed, pushing his head lightly to the side, and mocking an obnoxiously loud chew at him. it was probably the least sexy thing you could do. he laughed. “it’s my research final. twelve pages in. i’m writing about aquaculture and its impacts on the environment—did you know that they’re actually bigger than agriculture? not that either are greatly sustainable.”

you admired how different you two were, but you loved listening to him go on and on (and on) about the ocean and fish, even if you had no idea what anything truly meant. he really did suit being a marine biology major in your eyes. his enthusiasm was your enthusiasm.

you did love his little fishtank though. and despite him denying it, you knew he loved that you named them all.

“my final is much better than yours,” you laughed, watching his eyebrows furrow behind his glasses. “all i have to do is make a couple pots—which we’re gonna use for our herb garden after! our green onions and garlic are getting so big!” you cooed. “i was thinking about using their old pots for our basil and rosemary plants, do you think that they would work?”

he took his last bite, using both hands to type now. “i think that would be fine, love.”

“and we can use our new vase as our table centerpiece? your mom’s going to come over for dinner soon, i think she’d like it—maybe i’ll make her one.”

he knew that once you put your mind to it, there was no stopping you. “i’ll get you some pretty flowers for both of them.” he was just glad that you had eaten something before the idea popped into your head.

you pondered. “what’s her favorite color, baby? do you think i should make her a couple mugs or a vase? or a cutesy little plate collection? or a pot? fuck it, i’ll just do them all, she has a gar—”

“y/n,” he cut your ramble off. “you’ve already made her a cutesy plate collection for christmas, and a mug for mother’s day, and a couple pots last semester.”

you pouted. “but those plates are deco—”

“make her the vase, love. her favorite color is purple.” he smiled sweetly. “i’ll help you paint it after you’re done turning it. we can give it to her as a slightly-early birthday present when she comes over, yeah?”

“we’ll get her calla lilly’s, right?” you pleaded.

his hand rested against your cheek, taking a break from the keyboard. “yes, and you can tell me all about the meaning while we stand in line.”

you grabbed his wrist. “great… now c’mon!” he eyed you as you pulled him up with you. “you made me watch that fish documentary with you the other day, so i’m going to show you how to make this vase now.”

“baby, i have three pages left,” he tried to compromise, but you blocked it out. “i’ll just help you paint it.”

“no,” you whined, which he found more adorable than annoying. “she’d love it so much more if you helped me spin it, don’t you think?”

he knew that there was no use arguing with you—after all if this whole art-thing didn’t work out, law had always been your alternative.

“fine,” he gave in, sitting down on the stool as you happily skipped over to grab him an apron and collect an adamant amount of clay. “but if i find clay inside my keyboard after this, you’re in for it.”

“terrified. so scared. i’m shaking in my boots, donghyun.” you shuddered playfully. “i guess you’ll actually get what you want if that happens—a zombie girlfriend—luckily for you, though, this zombie girlfriend of yours has a toothpick and a lot of love for her living boyfriend.”

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

— perm tag list .ᐟ send an ask to be added c:

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spltbtch · 10 months ago

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Ummm tell me why I’m over here stuck thinking about Boyfriend!Suguru letting Satoru use and please his pretty little girlfriend while he’s gone on a mission??

Like just imagine Boyfriend!Suguru has been gone for MONTHS, and you just can’t take him his dick being away anymore- So you call him to rant and beg for him to come back. And your loving, caring, doting boyfriend, as flattered as he is, he’s also confused.

Normally when you two were communicating (which was every chance he could get) you would express how much you missed him, but you were never as bratty as right now. So after some questions and teasing, you finally admit that your fingers just aren’t doing the job anymore. As soon as the confession leaves your lips, the line goes silent. But the words that leave his mouth next have you choke on air as you stare at his beautiful face on the phone with an expression that mirrors a mix of horror and confusion.

“Why don’t I get Satoru to help you out darling?”

You couldn’t even register what he just said. Was he asking what you thought he was asking? Was this his idea of a joke? Was he really thinking about letting his best friend see you in that way? Touch you like that??

“W-what?”

Thinking about Boyfriend!Suguru ignoring your question and telling you to get some rest.

But THEN- you wake up middle of the night with someone pressing soft sensual kisses all over your body. It doesn’t register in your mind at first that the person in bed with you is skinnier than your boyfriend- lankier. But then you hear the soft chuckle of someone whose voice you recognize, but not that of your lover.

You open your eyes and in front of you are bright blue ones staring back instead of black, but propped next to your head on the pillow is a lit up phone screen on- a FaceTime call?

And that’s when you hear your name from two questioning voices.

“Are you awake love?”

You were sure as hell awake now

“Satoru?”

The white haired male, who you could barely see in the dimly lit bedroom, looked at you with a wide grin, smirking down at you like you were prey he was hunting.

“That’s my name baby~”

But anyways… just a thought🥱😏

@bakubunny @blkkizzat

Come get me fore I start barking please🙏🏽🙏🏽

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silverbladexyz · 11 months ago

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*Part 2 is here. Third and final part is here*

Imagine unrequited love with Chuuya.

You didn't mean for it to happen, really. The feelings had just suddenly seized you one day, filling you with a rush of warmth so overpowering that it was certain you could never look at him in the same way again. Whenever he looked at you, with those blue eyes of his that reflected the beauty of the skies and the seas- or whenever he offered his hand to help you with whatever you were stuck on, the very same warmth would erupt in your chest, spreading all throughout your body and ensnaring you in such heat that you would certainly have been crowned the title of Cupid's most lovestruck victim.

And who wouldn't fall in love with Chuuya Nakahara? He was strong, handsome, and rich- three qualities that would've already caught the attention of many people the moment they laid their eyes on him. Despite being somewhat violent and brash towards enemies, he was normally calm and thoughtful, alongside being respectful to anyone he deemed as harmless. Nobody could resist his unspoken charm- with you being proof of that.

But beneath that tough guy mask he showed to everyone was a soul so kind and loyal that anyone would weep at his tragic predicament. A soul that clearly didn't deserve to be trapped in the hellish depths of the Port Mafia, where his hands were stained innumerable times with blood; blood that had no right to belong on the palms of an angel. The very same palms that had held yours as you grew up alongside him all throughout the years, offering a strong and stable sense of support in the abyssal underworld of Yokohama.

You were the only person whom he was softer to. He was still rougher around the edges in the friendship, but you didn't miss the way that he would step in front of you protectively when you met a formidable enemy. Or when he would buy you something you'd only eyed for a second longer, not taking no for an answer as he placed the gift in your hands without expecting anything in return.

Those were only the tip of the iceberg. Chuuya had risked his very own life for you multiple times, even if he had tried to deny it with the statement that he had it all under control. He would also bandage your wounds for you, while scolding you about being too reckless on the mission. You knew that he secretly didn't mind treating your injuries, though. It was what best friends were for, afterall.

It was obvious that you had a special place in his heart.

And he had stolen yours.

You would've confessed to him first, if only he hadn't confessed about something else that made the words die on your lips as soon as it left his.

"Hey, Y/N, can I tell you something? You must promise to keep it a secret though."

You looked up at Chuuya, who was standing with his hands in his pockets. The two of you were currently standing on the balcony of the apartment that the Port Mafia provided for it's subordinates, with the city of Yokohama serving as a witness to the moment between the two of you. A pair of best friends whom shared a bond so deep and precious that it couldn't have been replaced by anything else in the world.

"Of course. You can tell me anything, Chuuya. I promise that I'll take it to my grave." You straightened up from your slouched position on the railing, facing him. Underneath the moonlight, he looked as gorgeous as ever- the epitome of beauty for all mortals to admire. As if in response to the thought, your heart beat sped up, preparing you for the confession you'd tell him after he finished speaking.

Chuuya inhaled a short breath, before releasing it in a quick sigh. You tilted your head, staring at him with curious eyes, despite just wanting to grab him by the shoulders and profess how much you loved him. Surely he must have felt the same way you felt towards him, right? Even Mori had noticed how the executive acted different around you compared to everyone else.

Just say the three words already, you silently begged.

"I like Yasuko."

You blinked.

Time seemed to come to a stop as you wondered if you had heard him wrong. But you knew that you didn't.

"T-The civilian girl that you managed to save from an enemy organisation a few months ago?" You cursed at the stutter, but Chuuya didn't seem to notice. Instead, he seemed to be... shy, almost. The look in his eyes had noticeably softened at the mention of her name- a look that he never gave you in all the years of your friendship with him.

"Yes. She wanted to repay me for my help, and I somehow couldn't say no to her. Then after getting to know her for a few months... I realised that what I felt for her was stronger than what I felt for anyone else. She makes me feel... safe. Warm. Like she was a haven I could always return to." Each word felt like an iron-hot knife being stabbed into your heart, with the blade twisting deeper and deeper into your flesh as you slowly comprehended what Chuuya was telling you.

"... That's great," You forced yourself to say, smiling at him through your pain.

"She deserves someone as gentlemanly and loyal as you. Someone who would never hesitate to put her needs before his. Who would treat her right and make all the other ladies jealous of the pure love you have for her."

Your heart was shrieking at you, pleading for you to stop before all chances you had with him were gone. But you pushed your feelings behind the best-friend mask that you always wore around him. Chuuya's happiness was what mattered to you, even if it meant that you had to suffer for eternity to let that happen.

"You should tell her how you feel. Because I guarantee you that she definitely does reciprocate those feelings." You patted him on the shoulder, before heading back into the room so that he could make his decision.

He didn't know that you had collapsed onto the floor as soon as you shut the door behind him, clutching your chest as it threatened to tear you to pieces because of the pain. He didn't know that you had cried yourself to sleep that night, the hot tears staining your pillow that muffled the sounds of your heartbreak so that you wouldn't alert any of the other residents. And he didn't even need to know, because his eyes were focused only on Yasuko.

He took your advice, confessing to the girl a few weeks later with a bouquet of roses and the finest chocolate that you could find in Yokohama; and just as you predicted, she harboured the same feelings towards him. They were the sweetest couple ever, and your best friend genuinely appeared the happiest that you had seen him. His new girlfriend was nice, polite, and slightly shy- an angel truly fitting for the kind sinner that Chuuya Nakahara was. Hell, you even met her a few times, and any sort of dislike you harboured towards her seemed to disappear whenever she smiled that innocent smile at you. How could you hate her when she never did anything bad to you or your friend?

The butterflies in your stomach now turned to shards that pierced your chest whenever you saw him with Yasuko. Those loving eyes that you had stared at him with were now full of pain and longing, housing a heart of glass that already shattered long ago. Yet you covered it all up with a smile and your usual expression, even when it hurt so damn much.

It was you who stayed by his side when the Sheep betrayed him. It was you who comforted him and assured him that he was human even as he doubted it. It was you who held him close that night when he lost his friends after the Dragon's Head incident. And it was you who never left him ever since he joined the Port Mafia.

But why was it her that he fell for? Someone that he only knew for a couple of months, whilst you had known him for seven years. Seven long years of special camaraderie; of hurt, of loss, and of growth. Things that he could never hope to achieve again with Yasuko.

Was it because you were a killer? A monster that had taken away countless lives, and would continue to do so with no restraint for many years to come? Did Chuuya only decide to stay best friends with you because he pitied you? Or did he laugh about your foolish, helpless self with his girlfriend- his sweet sweet girlfriend that giggled and kissed him happily whenever he pulled her closer in private?

La Douleur Exquise, the French called it. The exquisite pain of pining after someone, knowing that it would never be returned even if you gave up your life for them. How fitting that the language of love would describe your situation perfectly.

Oh, how cruel it was, that fate decided to trap you in it's web of misfortune and laughed at your face as you tried so hard to move on from him.

You loved him dearly, but he would never come to reciprocate that love. How could he, when it was Yasuko that was the one he clearly needed and adored? Just like how a flower in the dark yearns for the light, you yearned for Chuuya to look at you like how he looked at her, even if it was for one second.

But you knew that it was impossible.

Because no matter how deeply you felt about him, his heart would forever belong to someone else.

Someone who wasn't you.

@circinuus @riiwrites @ruanais @sariel626 @chocsra @oldworldpoolhall @yuugen-benni @yasu-masashige @justcallmesakira @heartsfourdazai @i-just-like-goats

#silverbladexyz #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd x gender neutral reader #bsd x female reader #bsd x male reader #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #chuuya angst #chuuya x female reader #chuuya x male reader #chuuya x gender neutral reader #unrequited love #... yeah I was in an angsty mood when I wrote this #forgive me 😭

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morwap · 1 year ago

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𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐀 𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍, 𝐀 𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐘 𝐍𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐊𝐈𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐍.

regulus black x fem!reader x evan rosier

smut

nav • r.a.b m.list • e.r m.list • poly!revan

sub!regulus, dom!evan, switch!reader, threesome, evan and reg are in the same year as the marauders, praise and degrading, oral m! & f!receiving, p in v, unprotected sex,

───────✧ 𓆩♡𓆪 ✧───────

evan rosier and regulus black.

the two names that have seemed to never leave your brain since the beginning of 8th year. two people you were never supposed to get involved with nor did you think youd ever even talk to without it being harsh words or hex’s but here you were having feelings for and relations with them.

evans dirty blonde curls and regulus’ grey eyes never seemed to leave your mind just like your frame and scent never left theirs, but at least they could express their feelings and needs with each other and you were stuck with inner monologues and your hand to satisfy yourself til the right time came.

one thing you all had in common was your friends hating the other person. evan had gotten more irritable and his patience was wearing thin when Mulciber or barty talked about you and regulus had to stop evan from lashing out at them and starting something that would be hell to finish, it was almost the same with your friends, james’ passive aggressive comments about regulus made you want to put him in his place but you refrained and remus and peter’s comments on evan made your blood boil as they talked shit about something they actually had no idea about.

sirius was a big factor, you knew hed be hurt if he found out you were fucking his brother and his brothers best friend behind his back but you never meant to get tangled up in regulus’ and evans web. the more you thought about it a lot of your friends would be disappointed so maybe that should’ve told you to cut it off after the first time but it was like a drug, the more you tried to stay away the more your want and need for it grew and eventually you gave in.

your bracelet vibrated once more, it was a gift from both of them to help make communicating better.

the three of you finally met up in the prefect bathroom durning dinner one night, regulus happily told you that him and evan were staying an extra day before going home for the break and that you should try so you all could spend time together before leaving.

and now here you were, almost everyone was gone for winter break and you were one of the few gryffindors left but there was just one problem, remus, remus fucking lupin had also decided to stay an extra day because he had been helping ms pince in the library. knowing remus he had the map, and would defiantly check it he if thought you were acting weird.

watching remus from your seat next to the fire, waiting for him to say he was gonna nap or walk around or go to the library, hoping and praying that he would say something like that so you could leave and get to evan and regulus’ dorm as fast as you could. your bracelet buzzed against your skin once more, you already knew which one was trying to give you the green light as to come to them.

normally it was evan, who only buzzed it once and then a second time if you were really really late; but today it was regulus, the constant buzzing at random times indicated that. you’d tease him about it since it seemed as if he couldn’t wait, you could imagine him mumbling the spell on the bracelet they had and waiting for you to show up at the speed of light and then doing it over and over when you were taking your time to get there.

jumping a little when remus coughed and got up and stretched. “i gotta go to the library, wanna meet up and walk to dinner together later?” remus asked, grabbing his wand and book then fixing his shirt while waiting for you to answer.

you nodded, “yeah ill come up to the library so you dont have to walk all the way over to get me” you said and smiled at him. remus nodded and left the common room.

muttering the spell towards the bracelet to let them know you were on your way. waiting a bit so you knew remus was far away before leaving the common room.

the bracelet buzzing again, making you smile and think about how to tease regulus about it in a bit. turning the corner as you kept looking around for any other people but luckily there was no one around.

evan was waiting for you beside slytherin common room, you watched him play with his sleeve before he looked up and saw you.

crossing his arms with a smile on his face as you got closer then reaching out and pulling you to him.

lips already going at each other and hands roaming and gripping at clothing and skin, hungry and needy for each other from being away for so long. the amount of glances and fantasizing while looking at the other person was gone and replaced with what you both desired, the real fucking thing.

pulling away to catch your breath, hands rubbing against his chest as your back was now up against the cold stone.

“you have no idea how much we missed you” evan whispered, his lips coming back to yours for a quick kiss before pulling away and resting his forehead against yours.

“i think i know by how many times hes buzzed me” you quipped, and evan instantly laughed and shook his head.

“i told him to quit, that you’d be here when you’d get here but hes basically cumming in his pants at anything that has to do with you” evan said, the happy tone in his voice made your heart flutter. you giggled and mumbled the spell to the bracelet, sending two buzzes to let him know you were and it buzzed back almost instantly which made you and evan bust out laughing.

“well, lets not leave him waiting” you laughed and took evans hand, pulling him towards the common room door. evan said the password and looked around to see if the common room had anyone in it, luckily no one was in there.

evan guided you to their dorm, all their dorm mates were gone leaving it the perfect spot.

regulus’ leg bounced up and down, he was excited to see you and get off since evan had been denying him since the night they found out they were staying too, no matter how hard regulus begged for evan to touch him or if he wanted to touch himself the answer was “no, you’ll thank me later” and regulus knew he probably would.

evan snuck you into the room, making sure no one would see you in case they just showed up out of nowhere. regulus jumped up when he heard the door click open. a smile coming onto his face almost instantly.

seeing them used to be awkward but now it was just like hanging out with your friends but so much more intimate, you wished you could be around them all the time which is crazy now since almost a year ago you didn’t like them and they did not like you.

the transition from seeing you again to already getting intimate was smooth and quick, it didn't feel forced like you were just there to have sex with them and then leave, it was loving and like you all had come home from a date together.

you sat on the side of evans bed, regulus was on his knees taking your pajama bottoms off, you could see his hard on in his pants.

“reggie you’re already hard, we’ve barely even started” you teased, regulus whined a bit at you pointing it out, he was aching, had been since he knew today was the day you were coming.

“told you he was practically cumming in his pants” evan quipped as he unbuttoned his shirt.

“I wouldn't be if you had let me cum” regulus snapped back, making evan laugh. you smiled then pouted at regulus.

“he’s so mean isn’t he, i’ll make sure you cum tonight baby” you said to him as you took the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and off him. regulus had scars, not at many as sirius and definitely not as many as remus. he told you about them once, one day on the astronomy tower late into the night.

“thank you” regulus mumbled and side eyed evan. you took off your shirt and looked at evan, he was undoing his pants.

“how about you show her how thankful you really are” evan said with a smirk, regulus looked up at you.

“can i?” he asked, you nodded your head and regulus’ hands went to your panties and pulled them down quickly.

“good boy” evan praises him, your hand went to evans cock which was covered by his boxers. regulus kissed your thighs a few times before licking your slit.

regulus moved your leg over his shoulder, his tongue getting faster as you were getting more turned on. evan leaned down to kiss you, his hand going to your jaw.

you moaned as evan kissed you, regulus’ tongue was lapping at your clit quickly. evans grip on your jaw held you where he wanted you, you continued to touch evans cock.

you pulled down his boxers, he was as hard as regulus now, you broke the kiss and brought your hand to your mouth and spit before stroking his cock.

evan groaned and rolled his head back, you focused on his tip then started stroking him from his base to his tip over and over.

regulus pressed kisses on your clit before sucking then moving down to your entrance. he spread you apart with his fingers, his cock straining in his boxers made him think about touching himself but he wanted to be good for both of you.

“you’re doing so good reggie” you moaned, evan grinned and watched regulus.

a few minutes later you were struggling to keep your hand going, you were so close to cumming, evan knew it and so did regulus, reggie was going faster.

“i think that's enough reg, i think its her turn to make you feel good” evan said, regulus whined and pulled away from you.

regulus leaned up and locked your lips with his, evan started moving his hips while you kept stroking him. regulus pushed himself against his boxers, he was trying so hard to be good.

evan watched you two, his hand moving down to yours, he guided you— making your touches on him more firm. your other hand snaked down into regulus’ boxers and once he felt your soft hand grasping his cock his body shivered and pushed into you.

you could hear evan laugh softly. you smiled as you teased regulus, making him shudder and break the kiss multiple times.

regulus broke the kiss and rested his forehead on your shoulder.

“please—please, keep touching me— i'm almost there” regulus begged, his eyes were closed tightly and he pressed more into you.

you glanced at evan, silently asking for permission.

evan grabbed regulus by his hair gently, pulling his head back to look at him.

“why would you want to cum in her hand when i was gonna let you cum in her” evan asked, cocking his head slightly and furrowing his brows. you stopped touching regulus, pulling your hand out of his boxers.

“what do you wanna do reggie?” you asked him, placing a kiss on his neck.

regulus lets out a sigh, “i wanna cum in you” he says with a nod.

evan let go of regulus’ hair, your hand dropped from evan as he took a step back and walked to the other side of the bed.

“lay down regulus” he commanded, regulus moved from you and got onto the bed, you turned to watch them.

evan guided regulus onto his back, moving his head to hang off the edge of the bed a bit. your hand moved to regulus’ thigh, rubbing up and down and inching closer to his boxers.

you moved closer to regulus, now hooking your fingers on his waist band.

“you remember don’t you? tap my thigh three times for me to stop” evan reminded him, regulus nodded and hummed in agreement, you and regulus made eye contact as you pulled his boxers down to his mid thigh.

“i love you” you mouthed to him, his face went a bit red before he mouthed it back.

evan smiled as you moved to straddle regulus. he leaned towards you, locking your lips with his for a few moments.

he pulled back, “are you ready?” he whispered softly.

“more than ready” you said, pressing one last kiss on his lips before sinking down onto regulus’ cock.

a sigh came from both of you, you hadn’t had him in so long and it just feels so right. regulus was covered in goosebumps, the feeling of you around him felt so good.

evan tapped regulus’ mouth with his cock. “open your mouth baby” he instructed. evan’s cock glided into regulus’ mouth smoothly, regulus was basically trained to take evan, you three just started and regulus was practically deep throating him.

regulus’ eyes closed and he moved one hand to evan’s thigh and the other to yours. you could see the outline of evan’s cock in regulus’ throat which made you wetter. you started moving your body up and down, trying to find the right spot where your clit would make contact with his pubic area.

“you’re doing so good reggie, being so good for us” you praised, your hand rested on his ribs and the other on the bed. evan could feel regulus whimper, the vibrations took some air from him.

“he really liked that” evan groaned out as he fucked regulus’ mouth faster. you could hear noises coming from regulus as he took evans cock, his nails digging into the skin of your thigh.

you threw your head back as you found the right spot, your clit dragging on his skin and his cock hitting your sweet spot. evan watched you, he missed you so much and was so relieved there was time for you three to be together, he didn’t care if you three just sat in silence, he just wanted to be with you and regulus.

“you’re so pretty darling” evan moaned, his hand grasping your neck gently, you smiled at him and leaned closer to him. your head was still a little tilted back and evan bent to meet you halfway. a sloppy kiss broke out between you two, you tried to keep up but with the friction on your clit it was getting harder to keep a clear head.

evan kept his thrusts at a good pace with a few stops in between so regulus could get a breath, he could feel every moan and whimper regulus produced.

you pulled at evans lip with your teeth teasingly.

“i love you” you whispered into the kiss and evan moaned it back.

you gasped when you felt regulus cum inside you, painting your insides with his cum. your cunt basically milked him, it started to run down out of you and onto the part of his shaft that was exposed and down his balls.

reggie was trembling, you could feel it. Now the knot in your stomach was getting tighter, regulus’ hand was gripping your thigh harsher.

you muttered cuss words as you tried to chase your climax, you were close, so close you could feel the beginning of it. you twisted the bed sheets in your fist as you tried to keep the friction on your sensitive clit up.

evan pressed his lips to your forehead, you watched evan’s dick move in regulus’ throat. you knew you were probably overstimulating reggie.

you clenched around his cock which made regulus whine.

you moaned as you clenched harder, you tried to keep moving as you came, trying to get as much stimulation as possible, your muscles tensed up and your abdomen trembled.

evan was soon to follow, his breathing getting quicker as he could barely stand any more stimulation from regulus. his cum shooting down regulus’ throat, he could feel regulus swallowing everything he gave him and once he was empty evan pulled out of regulus’ mouth.

Regulus took in a few deep breaths and coughed a few times. you gently laid on regulus, your head resting on his chest, his cock still in your cunt. regulus’ hand came to your back, tracing shapes on your skin.

“you took me so good reggie, i’m so proud of you baby” evan praised, leaning down to kiss regulus’ forehead.

you hummed in agreement with evan, “we’re both so proud of you” you added. regulus smiled and mumbled a ‘thank you,’ you felt evan place a hand on your head, ruffling your hair.

“you alright darling?” he asked, you smiled and nodded.

“just perfect” you responded.

#regulus black #evan rosier #marauder era #regulus black smut #regulus black x reader smut #evan rosier x reader #regulus black x reader x evan rosier #evan rosier smut #marauders era x reader #regulus black x reader #evan rosier x reader smut #marauders era smut #poly!evan and regulus #poly!revan #poly! evan rosier x regulus #smut #hogwarts smut

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kyracooneyx23 · 5 months ago

Text

Favourite Pest - Kyra Cooney Cross

Kyra Cooney-Cross x matildas!reader

part 2 of this

summary: You find out what's caused your best friend to act so strange.

warnings - nothing except its terrible

It was so nice to finally be back in camp with the Matildas again. Despite how much you tried to hide it, your time away from the sport had been the toughest months of your life. You were so grateful for all the physios and trainers at Chelsea that had made your return in time for the world cup possible. 'I don't know whether I should be happy or not that your back.' Caitlin said from opposite you on the table.

'that's so rude Cait,' you say placing a hand to your heart to feign hurt 'You should be glad your favourite person is back so your not stuck with these two losers.' You tease causing Mackenzie and Alanna to gasp.

'I'm just saying, now that you're back Kyra's going to be back to her pesty habits again.' She groans shooting a look at the young midfielder who was staring at the back of your head for the last twenty minutes since you had sat down to have dinner. Caitlin smirks slightly seeing her teammate pining over her best friend who was completely oblivious to what was going on.

Katrina had warned the other Matildas about what was going on with Kyra, but it wasn't a surprise to any of them as they'd been sick of the two of you being a simp for each other but not noticing because you both shared the same singular braincell. They were all just praying for one of you to man up and confess so you could finally get together.

'Kyra's only ever a pest when you're around. Since you've been gone she's actually been quite pleasant.' You turn around in your chair to look at Kyra, shocked that your best friend could ever be anything but wild around your tillies teammates who were your favourite people to annoy together. When you catch her gaze you send her a playful smile but she quickly looks down at her plate making you frown.

'Yeah, you bring out the wild child in Kyra.' Alanna pipes in, throwing a piece of carrot at you, the vegetable only slightly missing your eye you whack the tall girl before dipping your hand in the leftover pasta sauce on your plate and smearing it all over her face. 'Oh, your going to regret that.' She responds pouring a glass of freezing water over your head. You screech hopping off your seat and trying to shake the water off of you, catching everyone in the rooms attention.

'Fuck you Lani.' You snap at her, causing Mini to tell you to watch your language. You roll your eyes walking towards the bathrooms to dry yourself off a little bit.

Whilst your off in the toilets Tony comes in to where the players are eating to tell everyone the room arrangements as he reads of the names Kyra feels her heart sink as she finds out she'll be rooming with you. Normally she would be excited knowing the two of you would end up staying way past your bedtime watching movies and planning pranks but now she felt sick. Just looking at you laughing with Caitlin and Alanna made her stomach do flips, she was choking on her words and you were halfway across the room, she couldn't bare to imagine all the ways she could mess up if she had to sleep in a room with you.

Mini must've noticed Kyra's discomfort and places a discreet hand on her knee. 'If its really that bad I can ask if me and you can room together instead, I'm sure Charli wouldn't mind rooming with y/n.' The older girl whispers in Kyra's ear.

'What if she finds out though?' Kyra asks dully fiddling with the fork in her hand. She didn't want you knowing that she had swapped rooms just to be away from you.

'It's ok, I'll make sure she doesn't' Katrina assures Kyra wrapping an arm around the blonde.

'thanks Mini.' she mumbles leaning into the warm arms of her motherlike figure.

You walked back into your room noticing half your team gone. You look around for Kyra but she is nowhere to be seen. You thought it was weird for the whole time you were apart all you could talk about was how you couldn't wait to be reunited but now you were here it felt like she was ignoring you. 'y/n/n!' Charli's voice rings through the room as she walks over you pulling both of your suitcases. 'I'm sorry, but you're stuck with me for now.' You laugh, the girls infectious mood making you feel brighter.

You walk alongside the defender making small conversation with each other until you reach your hotel room. You begin to unpack your suitcases, giving up after a few seconds. Instead deciding to get into bed and watch a movie which you hardly got halfway through until the two of you passed out, the jetlag properly kicking in.

The next morning everyone was up early for training. You made your way into the breakfast room very slowly still not fully awake, you keep your eyes peeled for Kyra but she isn't anywhere to be seen. You're about to sit down at the table with Macca, Lani and Cait but before you can place your stuff down an arm is chucked around your shoulders leading you towards a different table.

'It's time we get you, they've already got their fair share of you last night.' Ellie Carpenter, who also only recently came back from her ACL injury, tells you sitting you down next to her at a table with Sam, Hayley, Mary and Courtney. You greet everyone and join in with their conversation but your only half engaged noticing Kyra walk into the room with Mini completely avoiding you as she sits down at the table furthest from yours.

'Is something up with Kyra?' You ask the five girls who pause their conversation.

'She has seemed a little bit off recently hasn't she?' Hayley states everyone on your table looking at Kyra who isn't touching her food instead looking into the distance her usual smile absent from her face.

'I assumed the two of you would be joint by the hip now your back,' Mary adds 'has something happened?' You shrug not knowing why your supposed best friend was acting this way.

'Maybe she's just jetlagged.' Sam states looking at you with concern. She was one of the people who looked out for you the most, being your Chelsea teammate she felt obliged to make sure you were ok, always doing anything you needed. You don't say anything else eating your breakfast before Tony calls everyone outside for training.

Your walking outside with Macca after getting changed into your training gear. 'Y/N, could we please talk for a second?' Tony asks you once your on the pitch you check his expression to see if your in trouble not knowing why you would be, you hadn't pulled any pranks this camp, afterall the person who always helped you execute your plans was avoiding you.

'Yeah sure.' You follow him to the benches on the side of the pitch.

'Is everything ok with you and Kyra?'

'I'm not sure, why?'

He hesitates for a second before responding to your question. 'You were meant to room with her but she requested to swap with Charli, and usually you two are the best of friends, if somethings happened I don't want to it affect the game on Friday.' The words shock you, you were already confused about why Kyra was avoiding you and had no clue why she would ever request not to room with you. You had hardly spoken a word to her, you were her best friend surely she would of been excited to get to spend time with you now you were back. Tears begin to form in your eyes and you rub them away, angry at the way she was treating you when you didn't even know what you'd done.

'I'll talk to her about it, thanks for letting me know.' You tell the Swedish man walking away trying not to let your anger show. You focus on training hardly talking to anyone except Sam who you do all the partner drills with. It gets to the time when you do a mini scrimmage and you are on opposite teams than Kyra. You play for a while not having many opportunities to create chances until Kyra receives the ball and you're barely two meters away, she is debating who to pass to when you decide to go and slide tackle her. You take her legs out causing her to fall onto the floor backwards whilst you run off with the ball before passing it to Sam who slots it past Teagan.

You walk to stand next to her as the ball is kicked back into play but she moves away when you get near her, you frown but put you attention back on the scrimmage.

You continue playing a while longer before Tony calls everyone back, giving a short debrief on tactics and all that before sending everyone off to enjoy the rest of their days as it was only a half day today. You grab a drink of water squirting some on Alanna who wraps you up in a headlock before carrying you inside and chucking you onto a couch in the games room where everyone went for a bit of free time. You lay on the couch before you notice Kyra walking in with Charli, you get up and walk over to the pair.

'Kyra, I think we should talk.' You tell her, Kyra gulps she'd never seen you so serious before and it was scaring her. When she doesn't respond you link arms with her pulling her away with you up to your room. You sit on your bed patting Charli's bed motioning for Kyra to sit there, cautiously she sits waiting for you to break the awkward silence. 'No need to look so scared, i just wanna talk.' You say calmly even though you were beyond pissed at the girl.

'How's your knee?' Kyra asks anxiously watching as your clench your jaw in frustration.

'I'm not here to talk about my knee Kyra, I'm hear to talk about the way you've been acting.' You snap at her getting straight to the point.

'What about the way I'm acting?' She laughs lightly and you can see sweat beads forming around her forehead.

'Don't act dumb, I've been back for over 24 hours and you've spoken a single sentence to me. I've tried to get your attention but all you do is avoid me, and I'm left wondering what the fuck I've done to make you act this weird. I'm not the only one who's noticed literally everyone I've talked to has asked me if somethings going on with us. It's not fair being treated this way when you won't even tell me why.' Your voice breaks and you feel your eyes begin to water 'I was so fucking excited to be back here not only because I'm playing the sport I love but because I got to be back with one of my most favourite people in the world, so how do you think it's making me feel when she is ignoring me and requesting for us not to room together?' You wipe your eyes not wanting to look like a baby in front of Kyra. Her mouth is slightly opened and her face is filled with hurt.

'I'm so sorry y/n/n.' Is all she manages to say after a long awkward silence.

'Really?' You ask slightly disgusted at her childish behavior 'Is that all you're going to say, I think I at least deserve an explanation.'

'I want to tell you but I'm scared it will mess things up even more.' She whispers looking down at her feet and playing with the rings on her fingers, one of them being yours.

'Kyra, I've seen you do the most stupid stuff and we've gotten into fights like this before and shit much worse but we always figure things out, I think we've got too strong of a friendship for it to be ruined by a silly argument.' You state.

'Ok here goes nothing.' She whispers under her breath not loud enough for you too hear. 'This is going to sound really dumb but when you were gone I started getting these weird feelings and I was really confused but I just blamed them on me missing you but after a while they didn't go away. I kept getting butterflies in my stomach whenever you would call and you were all I could ever think about, I wanted to spend every second of my free time with you. Then when you walked in I went into like shock or something, I was so terrified of messing up I didn't know what to do with myself so then I thought I'd stay away from you and the feelings would go away but I still don't know why I'm feeling this way and I'm scared because your the best friend I've ever had and I just want to say I really really like you y/n. Please don't be mad.' She speaks so fast it takes you a while to comprehend what she's just said. When you don't reply immediately Kyra instantly regrets confessing, you probably think she's weird now, why would anyone ever fall in love with their best friend. She considers getting up and just running away, maybe she'd move to Hawaii or some place like that and change her name so people would forget a mess like her ever existed. She's about to get up and leave when you speak.

'Why would I be mad, I like you too Kyra.' You say and Kyra's mood lifts but only for a second as you complete your sentence, 'I mean why wouldn't I, your my best friend.' Kyra's cheeks flush bright red and she buries her face in her hands not sure what to do with herself.

'No I don't mean as in friend, I mean I like like you.' Kyra says slowly trying to help you process the information 'as in more than friends.' Your jaw drops at her words, you didn't realise she liked you like that.

There had been times before your injury when you had begun to feel differently around Kyra, but you'd never told anyone this because you'd rather get to have her as a friend than not have her at all. You understood now why she had avoided you, you probably would've done the same if you hadn't told Sam about it and she told you to accept the feelings but not close off Kyra.

You had tried to ignore the way Kyra made you sweat with nerves and the constant need you felt to impress her, assuming that she didn't feel the same way. But here she was saying that she did and you didn't know what to do about it.

Your brain was telling you not to do anything irrational but the rest of you wasn't listening. You got moved nearer to Kyra, placing a soft kiss on the girls lips. For a moment you were worried when she just froze but then she began kissing you back.

The two of you melted into the kiss, her arms wrapping around your neck as you placed your hands on her hips. It was soft and delicate, but it still managed to make your heartrate go wild. You'd only ever dreamed of it never imagining it to be real one day.

You pulled away when air became an issue watching as a large grin spread onto Kyra's face as the two of you sat in a comfortable silence.

'Do you forgive me now?' She asked and you laughed lightly.

'I will if you give me one more kiss.' You tease seeing her blush lightly. The aussie places her lips on yours again and you both fall back onto the bed. When your separated again she places a soft kiss on your nose.

'Do you want to head out and see the others?' Kyra asks you, causing you to shake your head.

'Can we just stay here for a while?' You ask 'I've only just got my best friend back, I think time just the two of us is well overdue.' A smile breaks out on Kyra's face and you match it on yours. You shuffle over slightly on the bed making room for Kyra next to you. She joins you the two of you lying so you can face the tv.

You turn the tv on and flick it onto a random channel, having a feeling that you and Kyra won't really be paying much attention. For a while you lay in silence, not saying anything. You're just glad that you've got your best friend back, even though it wasn't in the way you imagined and Kyra is relieved that she no longer has to act like a stranger around you, a massive weight lifted off her chest that she doesn't have to hide her feelings from you anymore.

'I'm sorry.' She whispers to you breaking the silence.

'Shut up stupid.' You shake your head not hearing it, placing a light kiss on her cheek. She gives you one in return before peppering kisses all over your face you laugh as she wraps her arms around you, lying on top of you and keeping you in position so you can't move. 'Fuck of Kyra.' You say but your words are muffled as she places a long kiss on your lips.

'I see what Caitlin meant by you being a pest.' you tell her laughing as she frowns at you.

'But you love me.' She grins and you shake your head slightly.

'Yep, you'll always be my favourite pest.'

sorry this is shit

#kyra cooney cross #kyra cooney cross x reader #woso x reader #woso #matildas #sam kerr #woso imagine #woso fanfics #auswnt x reader #matildas x reader #woso community

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mistkisbiggestfan · 1 year ago

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Oh my God.

I had a very funny and slightly strange idea...

Imagine that there is mutual sympathy between the reader and Jax. In short, Jax has crush on reader, but the reader... don’t know it.(or just don’t see it)

So, a new person appears in the circus. It doesn't matter who it is, what it is, what their name is, etc.

So, the newcomer and the reader became very close friends. I mean, sleeping in the same room, hugging, holding hands...(I mean friends, no lovers)

Look, I just want to see Jax get jealous, okay...?

Thank you🫶❤️

Jealous! Jax (Romantic) + Pomni (Platonic) / Gn! Reader

Jax (romantic), Pomni (platonic) / Gn! Reader

A/n: Back on the grind we go!! Hell YEAH!! I actually like how this turned out, hope you like it!! REQUESTS FOR TADC ARE OPEN!!!

Summary: Jax may or may not have a crush on you and be very much jealous of Pomni being your close friend. Words: 1448 Request: yup!

There was always a spark between you and Jax, surprising? Absolutely.

The thought that this deranged, unhinged, smooth rabbit man could ever feel such complex emotion as love was insane, at least to everyone except for you.

Sure he has some bad qualities, but that’s normal. (Get a grip bro this man is beyond saving /j)

He was here once you got into the circus, and that first time you met, both of you hit it off great! He was always smug and funny, but nothing too overboard. Of course everyone realized right off the bat, and Ragatha just came to you and was like: “How did you do it?”

You were confused, Jax was always like that! A bit silly, and very charismatic.

And so this feeling bloomed, but somewhere where none could see, not even you. You liked him a lot, surely, but he wasn’t the type to fall for a person, he was so sure of himself, you knew there was no chance of him swooning over someone, not like it’s a bad thing, but he wasn’t a type of person to beg for affection if it was to be taken away.

Or so you thought.

You let your crush take a backseat in this h#!! of a ride. But meanwhile, to Jax’s absolute demise and confusion, he found himself staring a bit too long, or laughing a bit too loudly at your jokes. He fell, definitely not first, but most definitely harder.

The thought process was quite simple really: “Absolutely no f*@/!n# way.”

But oh well, he’s 100 % the type of guy to try to impress you every chance he gets, even at the expense of others.

Not like he cares about others though.

What you might not realize is how under all that narcissistic and overall not the best person is someone who is like, very touch starved.

He would die to even hold hands, but just with you.

That pisses him off slightly, he never had such problems, and it’s not looking good.

He has a way with words, but not a way with emotions. That concept is foreign and very, unsettlingly new to him.

Then a newcomer comes around, a silly little jester – Pomni! Both of you become friends really fast, because unlike Jax, you’re actually one of two best comforters in the Digital Circus, the first-best being Ragatha.

That’s why Pomni always sticks with either you or Ragatha.

At first it wasn’t that much of a problem – You were good at putting others at ease – Jax knew that, and with time, he also knew that Pomni hated physical touch.

So when he saw you two hugging or anything like that? My man is pissed.

And it became an actual, apparent problem. Because the smaller jester stuck to you like glue, soon she was even sleeping with you in your room: “Because hers was too stuffy.” Yeah, he wasn’t buying that. (It was the truth tho lmao)

And when Caine brought it up one time, asking you and Pomni if you were dating?? Fuming, you could really see the smoke coming out of his ears.

Of course both of you quickly shut that down, saying that no, you weren’t dating, and were actually far from it.

Part of him wanted to accept that, why did he even care? The other part told him to fuck up Pomni’s mind to the point of abstraction, one sentence could destroy her so why not?

It wasn’t hard to catch on with his emotions, you saw him pull pranks which were just getting more and more cruel. And there was no way you could let that slide.

Especially since Pomni was coming to you for advice on love herself, since she had an eye on one, quite pretty ragdoll here in the circus.

– Good thing this is just a dream, right Pomni? – Jax elbowed the smaller jester, leaning over her, he watched the product of his words show off in the girl’s eyes, as her pupils became dark and disorganized scribbles. Both of them stood somewhere near your room, everything happening because Jax saw Pomni walking to yours again. And he wasn’t having that, so he decided to mess with the jester who was stealing your attention lately. Pomni stayed silent, making Jax snicker lightly, but something interrupted this $h!t show from going on further, light footsteps. The taller man turned around just to see you coming down the hallway, his smile widened. You focused your eyes on two figures before you. – Jax, Pomni! – You smiled at Jax, making him look away for just a second, before you turned to Pomni, smile turning into a frown. – Pomni? Finally stopping you looked at your friend who was visibly not doing so great. You spoke up again. – Hey Pomni, are you doing okay..? – The jester shook her head, breaking out of the trance, she looked at you, her pupils dilated. – What? Uh, yeah, you know what, I’m going to go. – She said quickly, before awkwardly speeding away from you two. You sighed and looked at Jax, who was smugly looking at you. – What did you tell her this time Jax? – You questioned tiredly, anticipating any reasonable response from the rabbit. He laughed. – Oh nothing much you know, just typical stuff. – His grin widened. – Jax. – You looked at him sternly, at times like this you wondered why you even liked him that much. That, seemingly brought him back to earth for a second. – Maybe something about this being a dream.. you know, just typical stuff. You knew how Pomni was, h#!! she told you herself. Poor little thing, she was battling so many emotions right now, especially since she fell for one of the circus members, just like you – which you could relate to. And know you were looking at him, wondering why? Looking at him, you mentioned for the rabbit to follow you. Finally, as both of you stepped into your room, you shut the door behind you and turned to him. – Jax, what’s up your @$$ lately? – You asked, mad. Well that was anything else he expected from you, seems like you caught on to what he was doing, he sighed still smiling smugly. – What do you mean? – You know what I mean. – You said, crossing your arms on your chest, looking up at him. – Not a single clue! – He played along, to a one sided game. You weren’t having that. And then out of all things you could’ve done, you managed to surprise him, catching his breath in his throat, why? Because out of all things you attacked the weakest part of him – His crippling touch starvation – You caught one of the straps to his overalls and pulled him down so you and the rabbit were on the same eye-level, faces dangerously close to each other. And as he felt your touch on his body, he felt something clicking in his at the moment thoughtless brain. But as soon as the touch came, it was gone, and he felt it linger long after you left the room, leaving him staring dumbfounded at one spot in front of him for far longer than what was deemed normal. And now he was left with two options, mess with your new friend and get all this newfound and surprisingly great but still negative attention, or apologize and somehow get you to touch him again. As he was leaving, walking along the halls towards his room to think, he saw Pomni down the hallway, she saw him too. She looked confused, caught up in this tricky territory called love, just like him. But this time, he decided to leave the jester be, which brought him one step closer to his new habit of longing for you and your touch.

Did he apologize to you? Yeah, if you can call it that. It was a typical, Jax fashioned, half–@$$ed apology, but only because his ego didn’t let him go as far as saying an actual sorry.

But he did change! Well, kind of. He was less obnoxious towards Pomni, and let her adjust to this new hellish life she was forcefully pulled into.

After noticing how the jester’s eyes literally turned to hearts when she looked at Ragatha, and when he overheard you giving love advice to her, he definitely gave up on making her abstract out of pure jealousy.

Instead, making it his goal to get you to touch him in any way, yes, he’s that desperate.

But that made you just more in love, he was actually (a little tiny bit) nice!!

Let’s just hope no new people come around, because jealous Jax is literally a walking death threat.

#requests open #request #please request #tadc pomni #x reader #pomni #ragatha #tadc jax #jax #the amazing digital circus jax #caine #the amazing digital circus #tadc #jax x reader #tadc x reader #tadc jax x reader

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hisaame · 1 year ago

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— ⧽➻Wanderer with a crush!˒˒ˋˋ

『its how i think wanderer would be id he had a crush,,, and this takes place obviously after he stopped being 'scaramouche'.』

╰ˊˊtw: soft wanderer (help), cursing, wanderers past trauma (kabukimono/kunikuzushi) its just a lil bit tho, spoilers.╎ + its a wanderer x reader type shit, so he falls for you!

He thought it couldn't be possible, but it happened. he was already upset at himself for allowing himself to spend time with you. And with those soft and sweet smiles of yours, he'd almost always looks away—and what you wouldn't notice was his his blushy pink cheeks that would always fade back into his normal pale, color when he'd turn to look back at you, tilting his hat a bit to hide his own smirk.

The guy had even known you when he was once Scaramouche, you'd catch his eye from time to time, but he never really thought about talking to you. Back then he just thought of you as a 'pretty girl', then he'd scoff and turn away. He even wished he'd gotten the chance to have one chat with you before he deletes himself out of existence as Scaramouche. You always seemed to look at him with that cheerful smile. But he's glad he got a chance to befriend you, and now, as a normal person.

He didn't even think puppets could fall in love, nor did he think his porcelain face could turn red! But it began happening more often often the more he hung out with you. Being a wanderer made him not be busy—unlike his past self as Scaramouche who always had things to do. He despised that old part of him, but now he's a changed man alright. He's still vedy cautious and trying his best not to show any vulnerability, he wouldn't wanna remind himself of the rime he was a pathetic, dumb doll who allowed himself to be betrayed.

But he wouldn't let you betray him, no. You're stuck with him.

He didnt exactly understand the concept of „love“. He's seen couples in Sumeru and didn't quite get why they were so affectionate, prepping kisses on eachothers lips and always holding hands. He'd sometimes even cringe at it. Even imagining himself like that with you felt weird... Wait, whys he thinking of it in the first place!?

After finally accepting the fact he's in love after days of trying to convince himself he isn't, he began to think—would you feel the same? That thought made him anxious, if you saw him as only a friend. If he really wanta you, he'd try.

And he did.

He'd go to the library more often, looking for romance books and even looking arouns him to make sure noones looking. He doesnt wanna be caught reading something so embarrassing... He read a few stories, even some tips and tricks on how to flirt, which he found pathetic. Who would wanna say "did it hurt when you fell from heaven" to someone they like? Pathetic! But as he read some romance stories, short and simple, he just couldn't help but imagine how it would be with you... How soft your lips would feel against his, and they way your twos fingers would intertwine.

And then he tried some things out.

He has tried pinning you against a wall, fortunately getting a reaction od you having a small blush, but then brushing it right off and smiling like he didn't do anything. Then he even grabbed your chin between his indec finger and thumb to make u look up at him—and you didn't even have a reaction! Wasn't that something common people did to get people to be flustered!?

He was beyond frustrated, even ended up asking Nahida for some help, to which she happily recommended for him to write you a letter, if he was too scared to say what he wanted it in person. 𝖧𝖾 called it pathetic and stupis, and a waste of time at first, but then he immediately began writing one after.

It took him so many tries, so many crumbled up papers on the ground, to the point Nahida also helped him come up with words to write. At last, finally, he decided to be sneaky and put it in your mailbox, knowing you will be opening it soon. He was a flustered mess as soon as he was rushing away once he put the letter in.

He'll definitely be even more flustered if you tease him about the letter the next day... ♡

#wanderer genshin #wanderer x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact #genshin #scaramouche

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bomber-grl · 9 months ago

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Nico Di Angelo x Son of the fates ♾️

Pairing(s): Nico Di Angelo x Male! Reader

The request was one of the specific fates but I feel like my hcs could be applicable to any

Definitely an interesting dynamic

When you’re first introduced to each other there isn’t much interest but then he hears your godly parent

I’d imagine that there would be a ton of thoughts going through his head but one especially comes to mind

That would be Bianca

Sure, he’s learned to accept what happened but the pain and need for her still exists- even if it’s a bit different

You two were introduced in a group, probably while things were being discussed in the big house between cabins

Either way you peak his interest and his eyes follow you wherever you go

Unbeknownst to him, you’re aware of this-

Not many people know but you’re able to see glimpses of the future and especially in visions

And lesser known? You’re even able to manipulate the fates of people

With some limits of course but it’s still all the same

So when Nico approaches you it’s probably in the middle of the night and asks you a single question

“Could Bianca have met a different fate”?

It’s shocking to say the least

The person whose so closed off and secretive comes to a complete stranger and asks a question that no one would’ve expected

You can’t say u don’t know what he’s talking about, you know of Bianca

I mean who doesn’t remember her? Maybe some newer campers but you’re especially familiar

So, with the options of letting Nico be torn apart by harpy’s from finding him out after curfew or letting him in, you chose the latter

You let him in and let him know it’s a bit difficult to see the possible alternate futures without the person directly there- but someone close to her would do

So you do what you need and see into her possible futures- albeit a bit difficult as her thread was cut many years ago

Well in the end you have to break the terrible news of the fact there was no way around it- unless someone else died in her place but even that was close to impossible of happening

He left with a small thanks and you knew he was gone once the crickets started chirping again

The next morning you see him around again- maybe even more

It was hard to say how it happened but before no time you two were like this 🤞

That’s to say- close)

It was before sunrise and the two of you were just chilling in the morning freshness near the lake

Usually Nico despised the morning- but he’d be up before 12 p.m today, just for you

You two sat there going about your usual teasing and sarcastically dark humored comments when he turns to you and blurts out

“I like you”

Your head obviously whipped from the rising sun to him just to see him facing the other way

Knowing him, he was probably flushed and even more? Scared of ruining your friendship

Maybe he was braver than you thought because he turns back to you and asks “did you see that?”

Obviously referencing your ability to see the future

The whole situation was just funny, maybe there was something wrong with you but maybe not since Nico was laughing too

Of course you two actually discuss things and soon after you were proud to announce your new relationship

Things weren’t all that different- Nico was still your best friend but even better, your boyfriend

You two would usually go on quests and stuff together

I mean it’d mean the possible end for anyone who dared to separate you two

Your future sight could confirm that

Well anyway,

Things remained the same, demigods you cared for died and life happened

Normal things for any demigod to go through but there’s a memory that especially stuck out

That one being when Nico had discovered your ability to change fate

It was not something to be expected of a demigod- especially a power as strong as this

Of course there’s some limits- you’re not exactly a god but it’s whatever

Yknow, because of the limits (rarely being able to use it unless in dire need)

when Nico ran out of juice and tired out, a monster or whatever it was that you guys were battling got him trapped and fear overtook you all at once

You don’t exactly remember how it happened but all you know is that it just did

And while the monster was originally fated to die and Nico was to be direly hurt- you changed it so it’d die from complications and Nico would be alright

What happened wasn’t really discussed until after the quest and until after you reached Nicos cabin

No one else (Hazel) was staying over so might as well join him in a nice cuddle sesh

The silence stretched for ages and everything must come to an end, so obviously that silence did

Nico spoke up in a way you could tell he was hyper aware of his wording and tone

“What…what was that power? I was clearly going to get hurt in the end”

He continued “and you blacked out, you don’t have to explain but if anything I’m just worried”

He tried being non chalant about it but his worry was prominent

“I’m able to change the fate of people- but only when in dire need and when I’m especially scared!” You arose and faced Nico panicked, trying to make sure he didn’t get the wrong idea.

Especially since you know how he resented Percy for not doing anything about she that shall not be named)

Nico sighed, sensing how you feel “I hope you didn’t hold that information thinking I’d be upset you didn’t change her fate- it hurts,it does and we both know it’s a sore topic but I’ve matured past blaming people”

You were surprised he directly brought up the elephant in the room but it didn’t end there

“I’m also sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t talk about something about yourself.” He looked at you with a calm smile and his eyes softened “I love everything about you, so I wouldn’t blame you for anything that has nothing to do with you, even if something could’ve been changed.”

His whole speech was so heartfelt and the night ended with the tension eased and the two of you guys snuggled tightly with each other.

There’s of course some sweet moments between the two of you

It definitely makes for an interesting dynamic when you confess that you knew you’d end up with Nico and when he asks how or why or whatever

You simply reply that your strings are intertwined with one another

This definitely makes Nico more flustered than he’d like to admit

Even if you two never discuss this again he’s always thinking about

And thinking about how you and him are basically soulmates always reassures him when and if he ever feels insecure of your relationship

Not to mention how it’s got him giggling in secret but let’s not discuss that

Of course he doesn’t know if you’re being honest but it makes him feel warm and fuzzy all the same (it is true, I confirm)

Eventually you explore your abilities more but you end up wherever fate leads you(get it?😉) cringe ik 😔

#fanfic #gn reader #male reader #fluff #fanfic fluff #fluff headcanons #nico di angelo x male reader #nico di angelo x reader #pjo nico #nico pjo #nico di angelo #pjo fanfic #pjo fanfiction #pjo fandom #rick riordanverse #rick riordan

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mixelation · 3 months ago

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Just thought of smth. How do you headcannon the lgbt situation in Mutagenicity? Because I'm imagining Deidara and Itachi getting into one of their usual fights and Tori yelling "Would you two just kiss already?!" which then prompts the following reactions

Itachi who's been raised as a good little breeding stud for the Uchiha and Konoha as a whole "Don't be ridiculous Tori, two people of the same gender cannot be in a romantic partnership. How would we secure future generations of shinobi?"

Deidara who's a result of one of those breeding programs and is done with the whole thing "Ugh, with that asshole? Please I like to think i have some taste."

And Kushina who's been suppressing her desire to make out with Itachi's mom since grade school because of her own insecurities about being the last of a clan "Now now boys, it's perfectly natural to want to wrestle your friends into the dirt and have your way with them, but you have to stop it when you get older so you can make lots of cute babies, dattebane!"

Ha!

Personally my preference for Naruto fics is that people are largely cool with same gender relationships. That being said, sexism definitely exists in ninjaland, so certainly there's going to be some expectations about how romantic/sexual relationship "should" work. In Mutagenicity specifically, Itachi has been brought up with the idea that he needs to eventually marry someone with a working womb and produce a child.

However, I've been thinking about this more like... It's normal for ninja off stuck at war to have relationships with each other, and ninja skew male, so gay sex (especially among men) is pretty normalized. Then you get home from war and actually the dude you've been hooking up with is also your best friend who's saved your life twice, and you move in together and hold hands in public sometimes and no one will bat an eye. Gay dating maybe gets an eyebrow raise but for rando ninja, no one really cares. People only start having Opinions on your relationships if 1) you have a bloodline limit, or 2) you have specific clan duties related to having a biological child (so, you have a bloodline limit or some other heritable traits valuable to your clan, OR you have some sort of responsibility to make an heir). For Itachi, he both has a ""strong"" sharingan his clan wants him to pass on, AND he's supposed to make himself an heir.

People like Sasuke and Shisui, who are NOT heirs but are important Uchiha also with "strong" sharingan, probably have some expectations/social pressure from both the clan and society at large to make sharingan babies, but they could probably settle down with a man without causing a huge fallout. At some point Deidara will probably start getting weird comments about if his children will inherit things, but he doesn't have his own clan to pressure him and I can't see Minato's administration actively pushing him. Kushina almost definitely felt like she needed her own child to continue the Uzumaki, which is why she went for a super risky pregnancy over adoption, but also I think she and Minato also just.... really wanted a kid and their own little family, regardless. Like they make sure Naruto gets her clan name and not Minato's to continue that, but neither of them are upset Naruto didn't inherit the Uzuamki bloodline limit. Naruto is there because they love each other and just want a kid. If Kushina had fallen in love with a woman instead and wanted to marry her, I think she would have just gone "whatever, I'm marrying who I want because I do what I want, and I'll figure out getting a sperm donor later."

So, for Mutagenicity, it would be semi-fine if Itachi were gay and had a side piece who's his "real" romantic partner; he just needs the official wife and heir for political/pass-on-the-sharingan reasons. If he really wanted to, he could probably pull a "well, I'm clan head, and I say I want a husband," and then everyone would be mad for decades and the clan would insist he make a baby via surrogate (this is the Homemade Dynamite route, BTW, except all the clan elders are dead and Mikoto supports Itachi marrying Deidara because who else could possibly handle her freak son). However, Mutagenicity!Itachi isn't gay; he's asexual. He's shit out of luck. His lung condition does mean the clan is like "uuuuh well maybe it's time to bring in some outside genes--" so if he tricks the one woman he knows who's his age and can also stand hanging out with him into dating him, everyone will leave him alone--

Anyway, I think everyone on Team 4 knows same gender relationships are an option. I do think Itachi is very bad at recognizing he can have what he wants, so he might not consider it's an option for him specifically.... but Mutagenicity!Itachi specifically isn't super into men, because he's not really into anyone.*

*I think I do have meta somewhere where Itachi's like "why can't I just marry Shisui :(" and this thought isn't because Itachi is attracted to Shisui, it's because Shisui is someone Itachi cares about deeply, gets along with, and therefore he can see himself enjoying living with for the rest of his life. If Shisui fulfilled the requirement of "can give birth," Itachi would marry him in a second.

#reborn au #toriverse

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sirfrogsworth · 1 year ago

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I posted the below on my Facebook. I am secretly trying to head things off at the pass. Every time people see pictures of me out and about, they think I have been magically cured or my health status has improved. And I know going to Florida is going to give people that impression.

But also, I just wish a few of my relatives could understand my situation better. And why I didn't come to Christmas. And why I might try to come to Christmas now.

I guess I'll see how this goes.

-----------------------------------

One of the biggest struggles I've had my entire adult life is explaining why I appear fine whenever people see me. I say I am very sick and bed-bound and then they see me and I am out of bed and talking and joking and... a normal healthy person.

What many don't realize is I am making a choice.

A choice to get sick.

I can use up all my energy in a short time frame to accomplish a difficult chore or entertain a friend or go to a doctor, but that is going to have a consequence.

The more I do, the more severe the consequence.

In the ME/CFS world this is called "post-exertional malaise." (for those interested, you can read more about it here: https://rthm.com/art.../what-is-post-exertional-malaise-pem/ )

Imagine every time you wanted to do something, you were *choosing* to get the flu.

Take a walk, get the flu.

Exercise, get the flu.

Spend a night out with friends, get the flu.

And you might be thinking, "Okay, it can't be as bad as the flu. I've had the flu and the flu sucks. No one would choose that."

I may not get the nasty respiratory symptoms, but everything else is pretty much the same. Crippling fatigue, horrible aches, and the loss of the will to do much of anything. Sometimes it is much worse than the flu. Some people don't know how much being this exhausted can hurt. They have never used up enough energy that their body is unable to power itself properly. I usually say it is like every cell in my body is starving and screaming for energy. I feel it in every inch of my body—and not just on the surface... through and through. So, like... cubic inches.

Sometimes I don't even have the energy to power my legs. Trying to stand feels exactly the same as trying to lift a barbell with way more weight than you can lift. I can't get upstairs or even walk to the kitchen. It's a concentrated misery that defies description, despite my constant attempts to try.

Sometimes I get lucky and this flu lasts for a day or two. But the more active I am, the longer it can last. And the severity increases as well. There is also a cumulative version of this—where if I do a bunch of little things over a longer period of time, eventually it will catch up to me and I may be stuck in bed for a few weeks.

And when I say "stuck in bed" I mean stuck in bed.

Short trips to the bathroom and a few minutes in the kitchen to make food. If I spend too much time upright, my legs will literally give out and I will be stuck on the floor until I recharge enough energy to get up again. It would be like every time you needed to get up, you had to hold your breath. Not to mention, the more I do, the longer the recovery will take.

For a long time I chose to never get the flu. I stayed in bed and did just enough to avoid the worst of PEM. I skipped family get-togethers. I didn't see my friends. And I lived my life inside the computer. Some may find that sad, but I actually found a way to make this work. I ran a successful blog that was seen by millions of people and I met my two best friends who I now consider my new family.

One thing that allowed me to choose not to get the flu was my parents. I fear some thought they were spoiling me. They did my laundry. They helped clean my room. They got my groceries. They cooked my food. They took on any chore they could so I could avoid the flu and live some semblance of a life on my computer. There is a lot of guilt wrapped up in that. I didn't ask them to do that. They just sort of... did. And I am so grateful to them.

To be fair, they would have to do these chores for themselves anyway, and tacking on my stuff wasn't a huge deal. But I know it caused them a little extra pain and a few post exertional consequences of their own. So I appreciated that sacrifice more than I can put into words.

But then they both got very sick. And not only could they not help me with my stuff, I had to help them with their stuff. And this was a difficult transition. I had to choose to get the flu to take care of my parents, but then if I got the flu, and I couldn't take care of my parents. I believe this is called a catch-22.

My initial solution was to just not take care of myself. At all. My health and mental well-being was set aside and I just gave all of my energy to them. I didn't shower. I forgot to take important medicines. I didn't do a single thing that brought me joy. And I'm reminded of that analogy of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks drop. You put on your mask first before you put one on your child. Your instinct is to save them first at all costs. But if you pass out, they are screwed.

So I kept getting that cumulative version of the flu. I'd help them as much as I could for a week or a month and then I'd be useless to them for just as long. Living in the basement did not help. Stairs were very hard for me and constantly going up and down was a huge waste of energy.

And I'm sad to say, the level of care I gave to my mom was not great. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand how to balance my needs with hers. And it led to costly mistakes. She had several preventable falls that caused injuries. At one point she spent hours on the floor because I fell asleep and did not check on her. When you know someone needs regular supervision, you need to synchronize sleepy time.

Thankfully I learned from all of these lessons. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but I did figure it out. I just wish I had learned them before my mom passed. I just wasn't able to give her the help she needed.

And you can tell me "you did your best" all you like, but this isn't a guilt I am choosing. It's just there and I feel it no matter what anyone says. In time I am hoping it will get lighter, but I'm afraid it cannot be wiped away with a well-intentioned platitude.

But with my dad, I decided to move upstairs. That was something I should have done much sooner. But I liked having my personal space and that was hard to give up. When he slept, I slept. When he spent 4 hours at dialysis 3x per week, I would make sure to take care of any personal needs. I would do chores a tiny bit at a time. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. And then I would lay on the couch in between and regain my strength. I did everything possible to not get the flu. And I got my flu shots so I wouldn't get the actual flu. (Get your flu shot! 50K die from it every year!) The only hitch in my plan was when I got a kidney stone at the same time my dad was in rehab. I have no idea how I got us through that.

I was very proud of the care I was able to give my dad. And I'm so grateful I was able to pay back just a tiny bit of what my parents did to help me. And the care I gave my father is the only thing that helps me feel better about my failures with my mom.

But now I am entering a new chapter of my life. And I find myself choosing to get the flu more often. I have decided sometimes it is worth the consequences. Part of that is because I am more used to it after dealing with it for 20 years. I have coping mechanisms and procedures and techniques to manage the symptoms. It doesn't make them suck any less, but it definitely makes it more manageable. It's akin to people with chronic pain who still feel the pain just as profoundly as when it was new, but they get so used to it that they forget that isn't how they are supposed to feel.

I approached this scientifically. I did tests. I went to the movies. I tried once a week and that was too much. Then I scaled it back and that was more manageable. Then I realized I had movies at home and decided to end that experiment.

I started to put my energy into something I enjoyed more. My photography. So I have been finding new ways to take pictures again. More experiments. I'm designing a simpler studio that requires much less energy. I'm creating a little product photography workstation where I don't have to set up everything each time I want to take a cool picture of an object. It will just be "turn on the lights" and "take the pictures."

Figuring all of this out made me realize how much I missed photography. And since I have been shooting test pictures here and there, my mental health has been noticeably better. And once I get this all figured out and set up, I am hoping some of you will let me take your photo. Or a photo of your kid. Or a pet. Whatever you have that needs photographing, I'm game.

I'm not going to charge. It's not going to be a business. I do not have the energy to "hustle." And asking people for money just sucked all of the fun out of my beloved art form. It corrupted it. I just love taking pictures and if you need a photo, I'd like to do that for you. I also restore old photos for fun. I'll talk about all of this more in another post when I am ready to start.

And then my grand experiment is coming next week.

I am going to travel.

I am going to see my best friend in Florida for two days. Two days of travel and two days of visiting. This is a scary choice. I know the aftermath is going to be difficult. But I need to get out of this house. I need to see my chosen family in person. And I have never been on a plane and I love the perspective from high places. I know people hate air travel, but for me, looking out that viewport is stunning television that cannot be matched.

Purposely making myself sick sounds like a bad idea. But it isn't life threatening. I have the free time to recover as long as I need to. And I can always choose not to get sick for a while if it gets too hard.

I just ask that people not see this as going from a worse life to a better one. I was really proud of the life I was able to create for myself while staying in bed. That took a long time to figure out. I met some of my favorite people. And I accomplished things I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams. Please do not shit on that life and think it was sad or meaningless. I was given that life as a gift from my parents and it kept me alive. It has always been a huge insult when people pitied that precious gift they gave me.

This is not a better life that I am trying to figure out. It is just better for me right now. My needs have changed. I have changed. So I am trying to adapt. I just ask that people understand when I go out and do something, please remember the choice I am making.

You may be tempted to say, "You are doing so much better!" I am not any better than I was 10 years ago. Actually, my health has degraded. It's just that before I didn't think getting the flu every time I did something was worth it. And I would hope everyone would understand that was a valid choice.

And now I am inviting those consequences.

On purpose.

Give me the flu, I guess.

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