#imagine being neurotypical and having normal thoughts

[jormvngandrr]

Been having many Lux playing tennis thoughts

[medstudentinfandom]

Autistic Alastor thoughts! AKA this man is one of the most autistic men to ever autism, and my sources are like half projection. But! I also have many thoughts/justifications/headcanons that I wanna share. So here they are.

Alastor learned to mask from an incredibly young age. He was a mixed child growing up in the south in the early 1900s, I think he would have recognized VERY early on that he ought to not do anything that would draw more intention than necessary

Went into radio because that was the most socially acceptable way for him to have a career that fully centered around him talking uninterrupted about his special interests.

Had a bit of trouble while alive in finding the line of when dark humor went a bit too far. His jokes about the stock market crash were well received and seen as a lovely little reprieve from the terrifying reality. Making offhand comments about who the "New Orleans Butcher" should target next didn't land quite as well.

His refusal to adapt to modern times relates a lot to his autism. He's already learned everything he can about radio, went through the trouble of learning the powers he was granted in Hell, why would he waste his time learning about all this newfangled technology? All of his old tech works perfectly fine, thank you.

Personally I've pretty much settled in the fact that he is physically incapable of dropping his smile. BUT something something hypermasking to the point the desire to appear "normal" by neurotypical standards loops back around to being creepy and off putting to all nt's in the room.

I think he experienced that somewhat while alive (overcompensating for his lack of eye contact by staring at people HARD, etc.) and tried to adjust that. But in Hell? Full uncanny valley, he does not care, he will be strange and off putting and he will ENJOY IT

Going back to Alastor's refusal to adapt, his hatred for change also means he DESPISES how much Vox has changed. He liked Vox, he was comfortable with Vox, there was literally nothing wrong with the way Vox was. And then he went and changed his body and demeanor and he was supposed to want to stick around him (he does keep his old head to comfort himself)

Not really a big stimmer. Except that he bites. He bites so so much in the least sexy way imaginable. In any given moment if you pull off his gloves, he's got puncture wounds in various stages of rapid healing because the moment he needs to self regulate, he is chomping down.

I also feel the need to mention that I think it would be funny if, while they were close, Alastor consistently used Vox's arm as his own personal chew toy. Something about the silicone faux skin he uses just feels great to bite into, what can he say? This has unfortunately also resulted in Vox having a Pavlovian response of just holding his arm up anytime someone close to him gets clearly agitated.

Sensory issues, a plethora of sensory issues! Absolutely despises the feeling of wet fur, whether it's getting wet while it's still on him or he's cleaning it out of the drain. He has genuinely considered tearing all his fur out from the root to avoid it. Also, I despise his fuckass bob, but I like to tell myself the reason he cuts it Like That in the back is to avoid hair brushing against the back of his neck. That would make him Violent.

Noise is a tricky one. For the most part, he loves a loud, music filled and bustling club and doesn't mind it at all. But I think if he is already feeling overstimulated, someone talking a little too loud is enough to set him off.

Very touch averse, with specific exceptions. If he's the one initiating the contact, and especially if he's already tipsy? All good, that's fine. But if someone else is approaching HIM, especially when he isn't expecting it? Like 80% of the time he will not tolerate at all, and even when he will it is for a very limited amount of time.

And of course, should anyone ever approach and ask him if he's autistic? Well, he doesn't really know at all what you're talking about! His behaviors? Goodness, what's so strange about his behaviors, YOU'RE probably the weird one actually.

Perhaps I will add on to this if more thoughts come to me. Till then thanks for reading lol

[staticofthetv]

Take two!

Favourite frames from the new B-Side chapter, featuring some analysis because I have coherent thoughts this time 'round :D

Beware, spoilers below for the B-Side as well as the manga

@veiled-bird that goes for you too, you're nowhere near meeting this guy yet

First up, I love this chapters art. It reminds me of when I was little and asking my dad to help my brother and I beat the last level of episode 3 in lego star wars tcs

Also the chapter title? I have so many thoughts, they'll be discussed more in depth further down but they will be discussed /pos

Numbers weapon 1 mention!! I'm very excited to (hopefully) get more lore about it. Although I am curious if it's like a contact lens or something, I thought it was closer to a surgical implant or maybe some weird side effect from using numbers weapon 1. Mostly because I don't think he's been drawn with normal eyes yet in the manga (at least from what I remember)

Either way very much hoping we get some more numbers weapon 1 lore in this :)

This whole scene but specifically "what good does a test proving I'm abnormal do" hits so hard, especially as someone diagnosed with ADHD in my late teens. Having that feeling of there's something wrong with me for so long and being brushed off every time because I didn't act like the stereotypical 10 year old boy with severe ADHD (a psychiatrist literally told me and my mum i probably had adhd but she wouldnt diagnose me,) I did start to kind of give up on ever figuring it out.

Narumi was incredibly relatable to me in the main manga (not because I'm a badass, I'm very lame lmao) because of the behaviours he exhibits, hyperfocusing on games, constant dopamine seeking (through videogames and online shopping,) needing to be fiddling with something to better process the information being given out, etc.

Narumi is also incredibly smart, its stated explicitly that he got top scores in the entrance exam and I can't imagine those tests are anywhere near easy. It gives neurodivergent kid being told they just need to apply themselves to do better in school/make friends/just function in a neurotypical way in general.

This also comes from his being kicked out of several orphanages, and then even after joining the defence force (especially after being told by Isao that they take anyone that can show skills and results) getting kicked out by the second division and every platoon in the first until he ends up under hasegawa. Considering the title too this is 100% supposed to read as the classic "troubled kid" (many of which are neurodivergent) that not many are willing to put effort into helping. Isao is giving him a way out of the life of having no home to go back to, only to be struck with the threat of getting kicked out once again a year later. Narumi is a very skilled and capable fighter and no one in their right mind would argue with that and it once again all comes down to being labelled as too difficult, hard to work with, never paying attention

This chapter just hits so close to home with me

Baby Mina!! I know there's a decent amount if it in the manga but it's still weird to see her with short hair. I love her so much

There are many more words of appreciation I have but all thought went into dissecting Narumi's character lol

And so being kicked around by hasegawa begins

I love his face here, top tier expression

And here we see Isao solidifying the thought of skill and results being all that matters, there's no way Isao was going to let Narumi get kicked out, especially not after showing aptitude for handling numbers weapon 1. I like to think at this point he does also care for Narumi, I think he sees a lot of Kikoru (or what she could be) in him and especially he sees himself in Narumi. And even though he's only ranked captain Isao would clearly fight to keep Narumi on the force (he probably already had to for Narumi to get transferred to the first division instead of just being dropped when he didn't mesh with the second)

This is also the beginning of Isao and Narumi's mentor/mentee relationship, Isao knows exactly how to handle Narumi and his child prodigy-ness and help him reach his potential as a defence force officer. I think that's part of why Isao shows little care for how Narumi handles himself when off duty, it may be that he knows he can't change Narumi in that way, it may be that he himself just doesn't care for all the professional decorum, either way Isao plays the very important role of being Narumi's main support while he's in the defence force (until Isao dies anyway, whoops.) Narumi needed a space where he could not only be himself but be accepted for it and have the trust of his peers and superiors that he would get the job done when he needs to, and whether it was on purpose or not Isao provided exactly that for him.

This also ties back into the earlier ramble about Narumi being the typical undiagnosed neurodivergent "troubled kid"

(Also the origin of what Narumi says to Kikoru ~9 years in the future :D)

Omg jaeger is canon? Kaiju no. 8 and pacific rim crossover when? /j

Another interesting tidbit about Narumi is his self confidence, he knows he's capable and isn't afraid to tell people that. He says playing support is annoying but what I see is someone that knows he can do better placed somewhere else and has decided to take that into his own hands. He won't get kicked out of the defense force but I wouldn't be surprised if he gets into a shit ton of trouble for taking Isao's words to heart and disregarding his orders, even though I do think he'll be an asset to the battle and perform better being closer to the front lines.

Poor hasegawa has his work cut out for him keeping Narumi in check (a captain and vice-captain match made in hell)

[animentality]

it's ok to not like durgetash because I strongly suspect that only deranged, depressed, adhd gays who majored in either the arts or the social sciences like durgetash, and not everyone fits that demographic.

you have to have an English degree or some degree in making shit up to think Enver Gortash and the dark urge were in love.

you'd have to have taken anthropology or sociology or psychology to be analyzing every nook and cranny of potential durgetash scenarios with the precision and wide flung delusion that it requires. adhd would certainly help, because your thoughts spiral in directions that normal people can't comprehend.

you're seeing into a ninth dimension inaccessible to the neurotypical.

and last but not least, you must be a special kind of freak to find the two worst villains of the game sympathetic and tragic, but even more so than the normal kind, where fans woobify tragic villains or imagine them as being soft with one another.

you don't need them to live happily ever after. you don't need them to be redeemable. you don't need romance to be soft or brutal. you walk the fine line between, you know it's a coin on its side, capable of falling either way.

it's not just about forbidden love or love that ends in tragedy or toxic obsessive love or enemies to lovers.

it's also NOT about the redeeming power of love.

it's about how two of the foulest, most inhumane, sadistic people in the world can still love because no one can fully reject their humanity, and there is beauty in obliteration, there is comfort in watching wretched people destroy one another without realizing they were even doing it.

most heroes are saved by embracing love. most villains are destroyed by heroes in the end, precisely because they could not embrace love.

you have to be a specific type of little weirdo, to love the idea of flipping the script, and seeing villains embracing love, but that's what destroys them in the end.

so if you don't get it.

that's alright.

I get it.

the appeal exists in the margins of the BG3 fandom, just as the canon relationship exists in the margins of the story.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Some more rambling thoughts on Celestia and the royal ponies:

Unlike Celestia, Luna is (By the standards of the divine) relatively neurotypical , she was just out of date but adapted quickly and easily. Her habit of dream walking means she might have some other stuff going on.

But in these regards, her trying to very much be like Celestia 1000 years ago may have contributed a bit to her fall in that she avoided expressing any of her negative feelings until they built up and exploded.

One thing Luna struggles to realize is that just as trying to be like Celestia was hard for her. Being Celestia is hard for her too, but before she realizes that it just feeds her inferiority complex & isolates Celestia.

In these regards as well, Celestia being written as autistic hits on a lot of familiar feels and no shortage of angst. Because imagine the way you love best being insufficient, or even considered 'wrong'?

Imagine walking on Fabergé egg shells for eternity, all too aware of the layers of barrier and social convention isolating you from others but unable to breech them.

We see how uncomfortable she is with a lot of how ponies treat her, but she's unable to come out and say it, there's no protocol for that and she knows how impactful her approval or disapproval is.

So she's stuck in this position that embodies reverence is the farthest thing from understanding. Not surprised she started resorting to orchestrating minor drama behind the scenes so she can have an excuse to break protocol.

In these regards her dynamic with Cadence can be fun to explore as well, cos Cadence in some ways knows her better than even Luna!

After all, Cadence is innately magically empathic, she can't avoid feeling these sides of Celestia the way Luna could avoid her dreams.

This means she is probably one of it not the most aware of the isolated existence Celestia leads, along with how she both loves so deeply but has a mind of wheels and gears that plays into how she presents herself and engages with any kind of problem she meets.

I recall toying with an AU where in this regard Cadence straddled this awkward line between both supporting Celestia's plans and trying to thread the needle to ensure they didn't accidentally (And with the best intentions) go poorly out of a misunderstanding.

IE, I vaguely recall a scene where after Twilight got the letter sending her to Ponyville Cadence showed up at her tower.

She then had to trot this very fine line of validating Twilight's concerns, and not fucking up Celestia's plan.

Celestia was also entirely aware she was doing this and was open with her at least in private that she trusted Cadence on this stuff.

But I digress, that's where I got the wheels and gears line from as Cadence was trying to contextualize Celestia's orders for Twilight in a way she'd not take them the wrong way and also hint that Celestia had plans for Nightmare Moon.

Wish I could remember the exact exchange or where the hell I was going with this, sorry, I have lots of Celestia thoughts XD

Yeah like!

tbh I kinda write them as both kinda autistic in a way but Celestia is the 'detached one who can mask as 'normal' most of the time' while Luna is the 'over-emotional and prone to outbursts when she tries to play 'normal' too long' type.

With Luna it's a lot. In her role as Dreamwalker, she knows that you need to confront your emotions and traumas in healthy ways and unpack them in safe spaces. You need to be allowed to feel.

But Celestia.... doesn't. She shuts down. And Luna's attempts to change that are met with the more authoritative Big Sister is In Charge energy. And while she will sometimes challenge her, as all younger siblings do, there are some times where Big Sister says things with such conviction that you do not fight back.

Especially when it's backed up with.... accidental manipulation. After all, look at Discord? He allowed himself to get so wrapped up in those emotions that he couldn't escape them. You don't want to end up like him, do you?

So Luna tries. Tries to hold everything back. It's for the good of the kingdom. For the good of everyone they care about.

But she's not good at it. Not like Celestia is.

[archduchesskittycat]

Sea Hawk clearly has ADHD

Which isn't something I've seen people talk about much. So here's a list a list of his ADHD traits I've noticed.

Very impulsive.

Adora: We go on three. Ready? One... Sea Hawk: Forward! Adora: I said on three. Sea Hawk: I got excited.

His tendency to set ships on fire - poor impulse control. Also his love of fire could be connected to visual stimming?

ADHD seems to be common in pyromaniacs. (Sources include Pyromania: fascination with fire - The Diamond Rehab Thailand, Pyromaniac: Meaning, symptoms, and treatment, Pyromania - an overview | ScienceDirect Topics, and others. I went down a rabbit hole trying to get statistics on what percentage of pyromaniacs are diagnosed with ADHD, but found nothing.)

His thing with singing. Vocal stimming.

RSD! His fandom wiki article says he has “a strong desire to be liked due to him being quite far from home”, but rejection sensitive dysphoria also checks out.

Tends to be very loud - trouble controlling volume?

When is he like, actually still?

Randomly starts doing squats. Not just to show off or anything either; just… to move? And what normal neurotypical train of thought would lead to one just randomly doing squats there like that?

There's some other traits I totally imagine him having too, but those are fully in headcanon territory, not things we see in the show, so I'll stop here for now.

[liskantope]

I of course agree about disliking this thing where people go "X political opponent of mine is weird and awkward, haha", including when it comes from Democrats. In addition to it simply being ableist and hurtful to people who have struggled with social skills - I'm certainly no fan of J. D. Vance, and I imagine you aren't either. But I think there are lots of very intelligent, thoughtful people who would make great policy decisions but aren't especially socially charismatic. (1/2)

(2/2) I really don't think it's a good idea for liberals to reinforce a norm that such people should be disqualified from office.

(This is regarding this post from 10 days ago -- I've been really busy with the new academic semester and so am struggling to find time and the right mindspace to respond to stuff on Tumblr.)

You're right that I'm no fan of Vance: his book that made him famous might have some merits for all I know (I haven't read it), but at least since then he seems to be a completely phony chameleon, and, worst of all, he's chosen to run on a ticket with Trump, which is pretty automatically disqualifying for my respect. That, and all his vitriol towards childless people and cat ladies and so on is much worse than any of the specific examples of ableist undertones I see from the other side.

I'll also say that all the ridicule of Walz's son for standing up and tearfully shouting "That's my dad!" a bit non-neurotypically after Walz's words of love for his children (ugh! God forbid! actual exemplary family values are just dumb and cringey, at least if they come from Democrats!) made me far angrier than any kind of ableism that would come from David Pakman. The only reason I didn't go on a rant about it here is that I already got it out of my system on Facebook. And there's plenty of other garbage coming from the Trump/Vance side about Harris laughing a little strangely (supposedly? her laugh seems pretty normal to me) which makes her intolerable and so forth.

Still, two wrongs don't make a right.

And anyway, I agree that social skills shouldn't be considered such a huge factor in what makes for a qualified politician -- it does need to be somewhat of a factor, but I wish we didn't live in a world where most public support for politicians is based on vibes and most vibes come from superficial mannerisms. It wasn't true 150 years ago and is an unfortunate product of our modern technological world.

Also, if Pakman and his ilk want to point out that Vance was very awkward in the donut shop by typical politician standards and this doesn't bode too well for him because that's how politics works, I wouldn't really have a problem with that. (That's essentially the treatment they gave deSantis.) It's the "ha ha ha, nyah nyah nyah" -flavored mockery, which comes across as being independent of the context of politicians being held to extremely high standards of charisma, that gets to me.

I also might as well mention (though this is less in response to your ask) that this came somewhat in the wake of an earlier Pakman clip that I mentioned in the other post that I was even more annoyed by, didn't bother to post about it at the time, but I just recovered it. Seriously, Pakman, in an uncharacteristically halting way, says the following in anticipation of showing Vance issuing a few kind of evasive and sub-par answers at an event and being a little awkward by politician standards but still less awkward than most ordinary people in their everyday lives:

The only -- uh -- how can I even say this?... The only people I know personally who are this uncharismatic-seeming... Man, it's just so hard to say this without sounding so offensive. There's, like, some explanation, um, that sometimes is... medical in nature... uh, it just sounds so horrible to say... I-I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's... it's a personality that he seems to have that is really an edge case. It's a fringe personality of some way to be this unappealing as a person, some traits of which sometimes connect to medical explanations -- I don't believe they do with JD Vance -- I think he's just really a horrible person, is what I'm trying to say. I hope I'm being kinda like sensitive and not offending anybody.

He can worry as much as he wants about coming across ableist, but, well, what he says is still what he says.

[panther-os]

Apparently my communication style is really weird?

Like I thought it was just standard shit but I was explaining to my mom about a discord server I wound up leaving because they were accusing me of being hostile and I was talking about how I would've handled it as a mod and how it should be common sense, and she was like "You know that's not normal right? The way I taught you to communicate was cobbled together to deal with the many strong-willed, neurodivergent & neurotypical personalities living in each other's pockets in a traumatic environment and it didn't even work well then. To other people, you and I are the weird ones, and it's not common sense". So like, here's a few things I thought were normal that apparently aren't (info):

1. The "Impartiality Switch"

I am ride or die for my friends 100% of the time. Unless I'm in charge of them and there's an issue between them and someone who is not my friend. Then, I'm their mod/admin/what-have-you not their friend. It is literally my job as an authority to be as impartial and objective as possible so I do my fucking job (echo).

Apparently, most other people do not have this switch.

2. Intent vs Impact

Saying how I feel isn't assuming what someone meant to do. I use a lot of "I felt" statements and if I say something like "I felt attacked" it's because I'm looking for emotional validation ("oh sorry (sympathetic) I hate that feeling") not because I'm looking for a confession ("sorry (assuming responsibility) I shouldn't have done that/should've done that differently"/"probably because I was attacking you").

Apparently, most people mean "you attacked me" when they say "I felt attacked".

Now that I have that context, I think I tend to push on this one and make it worse? I think because when people get upset because they feel I'm accusing them it feels like they're trying to police my feelings. Like they're telling me I'm not allowed to feel that way? So I keep trying to explain what I'm feeling and they keep feeling accused.

3. No "Apology Threshold"

If someone tells me I hurt them - intentionally or unintentionally - I apologize. Granted, they have to say it in those exact words, because I am clueless, oblivious, and autistic, but still.

Apparently, most people have a subconscious line somewhere among the different kinds of hurts they can give where for anything under the line they don't need to apologize and anything over the line they do. And like most of what's usually under the line is anything unintentional.

I'm still just baffled by this one like??? No wonder people say I over-apologize. But also why would you even have this? To me, it's one thing to not apologize because you can't mean it, but it's a completely different thing to not apologize because you haven't hurt the other person enough yet. I imagine that's probably not how people who have the line think of it, but that's really the only way I can conceptualize it as someone who doesn't.

Maybe it's also a generational thing and doesn't really apply to the online spaces I tend to be in, because like. this is my mom who's telling me how "normal people" communicate, but again I really thought all of this was normal and common sense. But apparently, nope, I'm the weird one. Story of my life (light-hearted).

[mylifebeingautistic]

book review: The Many Half-Lived Lives of Sam Sylvester by Maya MacGregor

Sam Sylvester is an autistic, non-binary 18-year-old who has just moved to Astoria, Oregon to escape a traumatic event in their past. Sam is interested in what they call “half-lived lives”, people who died before their nineteenth birthdays, and they are worried that they may have the same fate.

So when they move into the house of one of these people, Sam begins an investigation. Everyone in the town claims that the teenage boy who died in Sam’s house was killed in a tragic accident, but Sam and their new friend Shep are convinced it was murder.

I loved this book. The teenage characters were written so realistically and I really liked how Sam was able to find people who they could be themselves around. Also, Sam’s dad was one of my favourite characters! He’s such a good parent because he’s so understanding and kind.

The only thing I wasn’t so sure about with this book was the ending. It just didn’t fully satisfy me, I wanted the mystery to be wrapped up better. But overall, this was a really good book!

From this point on, I will be discussing spoilers and quotes from The Many Half-Lived Lives of Sam Sylvester. If you don’t want to see those, stop reading here!

First I wanted to share my thoughts on the autistic representation in this book.

Sometimes I feel like a balloon with a thousand inputs filling me with conversation noise, smells, clanking chairs, whispers, someone talking to me, so many things until I’m full to bursting but can’t pop, and the only way is to release that pressure with my fists. My leg’s the most usual casualty.

I really relate to the way Sam feels here: it can be hard to find healthy ways to release all the pressure that builds up inside you from just existing in the world. Their dad buys them a punching bag to help them channel these feelings in a way that doesn’t harm them, which was so thoughtful and nice!

“I’m autistic.” “Oh.” Shep nods towards the crosswalk, and I follow, afraid she’s going to say something dreaded like but you don’t seem autistic or you must be “high-functioning” or you should say “person with autism” or some other horrible thing that neurotypical people say to me when they find out, all of which just mean you’re really good at pretending to be “normal”, but you’ll never really be normal. Instead, the next thing out of her mouth is “What’s it like?”

This scene made me so happy! When autistic people trust someone enough to tell them that we’re autistic, people often have reactions that make us uncomfortable. Shep is a good friend because she doesn’t want to be affected by her preconceptions of what autism is, she just wants to support her friend in the way that is best for them.

“Can I tell them you’re autistic?” he asks me, and I appreciate it.

This is something that might be difficult to understand for some people, but it really is important that (when it’s possible) autistic people are allowed to decide whether or not they want to share their diagnosis. It’s a very personal thing and there may be all sorts of reasons why someone wouldn’t want to share, so the best practice is to always ask first.

Now I’m going to write about my thoughts about the plot and the mystery element of the book.

What I found hard to understand in this book was whether or not it was supposed to have a fantasy element. Sam seems to be in communication with Billy, the boy who died in their house, but it was unclear whether this was real, or just their imagination. So I didn’t really enjoy that element of the book.

The mystery was good and I liked the reveal of the murderer being Carl, but Esme thinking she had accidentally killed Billy. But I didn’t like how the mystery of who was threatening Sam was resolved. I’m not even sure who it was that was throwing the rocks at their windows, whether that was one of the people from school or if it was Carl.

That’s all I have to say about this book! Have you read it? Did you like it? What did you like or dislike about it?

[draconianfleet]

You don't know me so feel free to not answer if this is too personal or an imposition, but what's it like being a system and how did you find out?

So, late reply, but you could very well be a system.

Anyways, one of the ways you can tell is if there are apparent lapses in memory (this would be dissociative). Though you don’t need that, there can just as well be thoughts/voices which are fairly distinct and have some type of consistency to them like another person/non-person (some entities are like that). It could also just as well be emotions that have some intuitive knowing of, “these aren’t/wouldn’t be my emotions” which is another thing to look out for. Then there’s always the chance that is just… it just feels right.

Ultimately it’s up to you. Though, if you are comfortable with the idea of having a headmate, you should probably do some introspection. Perhaps you ride it out, perhaps you poke it until it blossoms or shrivels up.

As for how it’s like for us? We share most/all memories, though ones of other headmates have a… fog… a resistance to them that gives a very alien feeling of “this isn’t really mine, but it kindof is.” We behave very distinctly if you know what to look for. So what might look to a neurotypical/nonsystem(perhaps) as “a mood” is actually a different entity. We also interact intra-system thanks to our rather large amount of imagination processing power. Our relations have me(Aury) and Kait being partners/mates (take your pick, but we are close and have known eachother for 5-6 years now). Not all systems interact intra-system though so it doesn’t preclude you. It’s nice, comfy even, to just know you aren’t alone. It’s beautiful to be able to know you can always lean on someone.

As for how we found out? Our other headmate Shade split off Kait and had full dissociation fronting, since there would be things that happened that she had absolutely no recollection of, and not in the adhd memory lossy way, that feels different. But well that was only noticeable in hindsight since it was “normal”, I came in like a meteor with shared consciousness but very distinct thought processes by virtue of my source material. I won’t go into specifics, but in some respects I am neither fictive nor factive. Shade also no longer has full dissociation since I fucked with our head a bit and got dissociative barriers to lower and also unlocked a few memories that previously were “blacked-out” from memory.

Have any further questions? Go ahead and reply, I’ll try to answer.

[electriccenturies]

Autistic Anthropology

(In defence of embracing a certain sort of neurodiversity)

How do you embrace a disability that causes you so much stress? I think the concept of “autistic pride” is hard to swallow for a lot of people, whether because they themselves suffer from their autism, or because someone they love is impacted in such a way that looks an awful lot like suffering. It’s hard for me to come to grips with, too. I have a lot (a LOT) of thoughts on this, and especially about the flattening of the autistic experience by (and for the benefit of) the least impacted among us. It’s hard to look at the mainstream autistic pride movement and come away thinking something other than, “I don’t know if this is helpful for all autistic people…” or “if I had a severely autistic child, I think I’d see these people as my child’s enemy too”. I say this to explain my position, and also so you don’t think I’m doing the same thing here, focusing on only my high-functioning peers while claiming to speak for all. I do not!

(If you are also interested in that other side of things, I recommend you read Freddie DeBoer’s excellent article “The Gentrification of Disability”.)

Personally, I am one of those people who wishes they weren’t autistic. At the same time, I’ve come to understand that there is, indeed, a logic and a sense of community within my experience as an autistic person. I’d like to examine this.

If you are autistic yourself, maybe there will be something helpful for you here in terms of losing any shame you hold in that. And, if you’re not autistic, maybe you can get some insight into a set of social norms that are different from – yet entirely within – your own.

First, a word on language: I don’t particularly care for the word “allistic”, mainly because so few people in the general public regularly encounter it often ends up taking longer than just saying the definition. However, for the sake of clarity here, where it will come up frequently, I am going to define it anyway, and use it in lieu of getting into an argument about what the word “neurotypical” means. So: “allistic”, a word which here means “not autistic”.

Now, on to the cultural relativism bit!

The first order of business is to shift your concept of “pride” and “self acceptance”. Rather than seeing those things as good, or even neutral, you can just see them as the opposite of shame. You do not have to enjoy being autistic to reap the benefits of autistic pride, because guess what — you’re stuck autistic whether you approve of that or not. I will appeal to the autistic sense of logic here: the best option is totally irrelevant; what really matters is the best available option. I would love a cure myself, but there isn’t one and never will be, so why waste my time wallowing in that? How will shame help anything? Maybe the best option is to be allistic, but the best available option is to work with what I have.

The next task is, naturally, to learn to work with it. I think one of the best ways to go about this is to understand your struggles as a culture clash of sorts, and to imagine yourself not as wrong — nor everyone else as absurd — but as simply different. Those differences don’t have to be neutral in practice (and in fact, they often aren’t, at least in the context of being an extreme minority), but they are morally and logically neutral. The same way that allistics often label autistic behaviour as meaningless, I think we autistics tend to do the same in reverse. People seldom do things for no reason at all.

This is the double empathy problem: the breakdown in communication between allistic and autistic people is a two way street. Our lack of understanding is mutual, and — like anything cultural — experiences outside our ‘normal’ can be challenging to make sense of.

Personally, I figure myself a bit of an anthropologist of allistic culture. I think I am pretty decent at “masking” (hiding my autistic traits), meaning that if you talk to me in person, you probably won't know that something is ‘off’. Maybe you’d pick up that I’m anxious, or a bit idiosyncratic, or fidgety, but you probably wouldn’t guess autism. This is not natural to me; it’s a learned process. It’s a learned thing for everyone, I think — autistic or not — but for autistic people it doesn’t ever become automatic or intuitive. The rules don’t get internalized, they just get compiled into an ever-expanding mental resource that you can learn to frantically flip through as best you can in the moment. It’s a very conscious process, at least for me, and it’s draining as hell. More purist advocates of autistic pride will tell you you should simply not mask at all for this reason; I think that will also make your life worse, because you still have to live in a world where 97-point-whatever percent of the population is allistic. This is such an overwhelming majority that it is all but impossible to get by if you don’t know how to adapt.

For any allistic readers who are struggling to conceptualize what it’s like to live inherently outside the norm (which is understandable), I’d explain it like this: top live in allistic society is akin to being in a play where everyone else knows all their lines, but you don’t even have the script. Everyone keeps telling you, “it’s easy, just memorize the script!” and ignores you when you try to explain that you can memorize just fine, the problem is that you never got a copy of the script to memorize from. Still, nobody will give you one, and if you don’t work at picking up little clues here and there as to what your lines are, you will have a very hard time of things. Quite the conundrum! This is where the benefits of masking comes in.

I actually think it’s really important and empowering for autistic people to understand that everyone is ‘acting’ to some extent. Autistics just struggle with it more because the desire to do so is less innate, and because we do not get access to the same level of information as an allistic person does (ie. you can manually learn to read social cues all you want, but it won’t do any good if you’re not picking up on said social cues to interpret). It is also culturally foreign to us, because we tend to value authenticity in a way allistic society does not. If you imagine it this way, it becomes (slightly) less of a burden and more of a tool that you can wield. You can learn the rules well enough to know when it’s worth breaking them. You can gain a level of autonomy that so many of us crave.

In my experience, autistic people tend to see this sort of thinking as manipulative — which it is — but in fact it’s normal social manipulation. Or, maybe expected is a better word. It’s permissible by society, if not by our internal moral code. I think this a nifty little tool for self acceptance; it allows you to see these decisions as functional things for your own benefit rather than as a show you put on for others. I also think autistic people are, on average, well equipped for the skills needed to do this, the innate researchers we tend to be.

So, that’s the first piece of this — understanding the culture you were born into, and learning how to live in it. Here are my, uh, ASDs, if you will, of developing that sort of cultural awareness.

Advocate & Accommodate

One thing I do think autism advocates are largely right about is that allistic society spends far too much time and energy trying to un-weird us. There are autistic traits that are limiting, distressing, or objectively an issue — and those things are worth working on — but there are many autistic traits and habits that are subjective problems. That is, they are only ‘problems’ in that they are culturally strange to allistic people. This also goes for adaptive things that, by adulthood, many of us needlessly deprive ourselves of despite the fact that it would make our lives better at no cost to ourselves or anyone else, all in pursuit of an unattainable ‘normal’.

By this I mean little things, like managing sensory issues, or engaging in activities that are meaningful and joyful,though atypical they may be. As an adult, you can do things like cut the tags off your clothes, or wear your socks inside out to avoid the seams, or use children's fruit-flavoured toothpaste if mint is too much, or carry around a fidget toy, or eat the exact same thing for dinner every day, and nobody even has to know! It’s such a pity that so many of us have been asked to feel shame about our needs to the point where we will ignore them even when meeting them does not come with consequences.

I think autistic people often have somewhat-too-flexible mental boundaries (or ‘poor theory of mind’, I guess) and are so used to acting that we feel like we always have an audience. It’s important to learn when we don’t. It’s confusing, granted, because allistic society does judge, they’re just not omniscient about it.

Likewise, it’s important to learn when not to care about the judgement. Something that has made my life somewhat better is being more open about my diagnosis in the sense of specifics. I don’t generally go around telling people I’m autistic just for their understanding (though I would if I found it productive), but I will say things like, “I don’t want to be annoying, but I’m not going to pick up on hints that I am, so if I’m bothering you you’ll have to tell me directly and I’ll do my best to stop”. Personally, I feel less stressed when my intentions and needs are clearly stated. This is not culturally ‘typical’ for allistics, who are often much more indirect… but I’m not trying to be culturally appropriate; I’m trying to bridge the gap

Script & Study

Many allistic social norms are actually highly scripted, and if you study the reasoning behind it you can build a set of relatively easy social algorithms that can help keep you from getting stuck. I highly recommend giving this a try; I have found that it lets me have a degree of control over something that is frustratingly illogical to me, and it helps me engage with the world sans-shame. Again: I’m not stupid, I’m (cognitively) foreign.

If you are an allistic person reading this, I implore you to use a bit of cultural relativism here as I try to explain the machinery behind things that, to you, might seem base-level inherent to personhood. You don’t think about these things because they are fundamental building blocks of your culture, well-normalized by the way you grew up, but they are not objectively correct. They are only correct through consensus, and, in the case of an allistic person vs an autistic one, because you have a brain tuned to these sorts of behaviours.

Basically, my theory on this is that it’s a lot easier for autistic people to do uncomfortable things if there is a clear answer to “why”. Autistic people value logical reasoning; we can learn the reasoning behind allistic cultural weirdness. If you ask allistic people these sorts of “why” questions, you will often get an answer along the lines of “that’s just how the world works”, or “because it’s polite”, or “because it’s the right thing to do”. Ask “why” again and people get upset because they don’t need to think about that stuff… but there is an answer, they just don’t know it. It’s innate to them, or they’ve intuitively picked up on it. For autistic people, this is our second language, so we have to understand the grammar — so to speak — in a bit more of an active way.

Where I (and many other autistics, I think, going off of what I see in autistic spaces) get stuck is in the ambiguity of neurotypical social interaction. We are literal, black-and-white thinkers in an indirect, wishy-washy culture. This is what I mean about one’s manual reading of social cues being only as good as their perception; autistic perception for social cues tends to be bad, because we work in fundamentally opposite ways to allistic society. Where allistics are indirect, autistics are direct; where allistics value conformity, autistics value authenticity; where allistics need interpersonal rituals to establish their hierarchy, autistics reject the rituals and the hierarchy. It leads to building algorithms that can go something like (for instance) this:

As you can see, you end up with 19 possible outcomes, which is a lot to sort through! It’s easy if you can directly follow a path, but remember: that requires a lot of information that an autistic person might not get access to. Or, sometimes the answers are ambiguous. It’s entirely possible to not only get stuck before getting to the right solution, but to get stuck before reaching any solution at all. I chose this example of small talk because, in my experience, it trips a lot of autistic people up even if they know how to solve it in theory. “Does this person want a genuine response” is a really hard question to answer if you do not understand the norms behind it.

I think the idea that our social skills are not lacking, but merely different, can coexist with the understanding that this becomes a disability when it is such a small proportion of people. You have to understand that autistic people (including yourself) don’t do things for no reason. Our social actions also have a logic to them — more of a logic, in my obviously biased opinion.

… Don’t?

If you are doing conscious cost-benefit analysis, then you can also decide what is not worth masking for. Remember, this is not an exercise in coming across as allistic, it’s an exercise in getting the most out of your life as an autistic person in an allistic world.

An example would be that, personally, I don't really care to put effort into making good eye contact not because I don’t feel self conscious about it, not because I don’t know the purposes it serves for allistic culture, not because it never limits me… but because I’ve decided it’s not worth it. The cost (finding it hard to focus and think, hindering my ability to communicate effectively) is not worth the benefit (allistics thinking I’m paying attention ‘correctly’). I have a hard enough time with oral communication, why would I make it worse for a superficial benefit? If you can justify these little things to yourself, I think it becomes much easier to accept it when people are upset about it. I know I accommodate them much of the time, so I don’t feel any shame asking them to accommodate me on major functional things — that’s called give-and-take! If people aren’t okay with that… well, most of the time they are not people I want in my life.

This also goes for things like recreation. I think you should simply not go to parties if you hate them, instead of trying to force yourself just because you (or someone else) thinks that’s what you’re “supposed” to do. You should not work on “diversifying” your interests just because people think it’s wrong to care so much about something repetitive or mundane. You should not change the media you consume just because others judge, you should not give up what brings you joy for completely arbitrary reasons. If you know what’s arbitrary and what is, well, slightly less arbitrary, then these choices are easier to make.

After this, you can shift to making choices to, at different times, either adapt, consciously not adapt, or to find people who are easier to connect with. That last bit is key, I think. It’s important to find yourself a metaphorical enclave of ‘expats’ of allistic society. This is invariably going to include other autistic people, but it can also include those who are otherwise ‘other’ and more willing to adjust communication styles. These relationships are, in my opinion, generally best when they stem from a connection aside from autism — from a shared interest or activity, perhaps. In my experience, these relationships with others of our culture can be not just fulfilling, but also healing in that things make sense for once. I know how to talk to autistic people in a way I’ve never managed to grasp with allistic people.

I don’t think that experience is uncommon; one of the core differences between autistic and allistic communication norms is that the balance of “information sharing” to “emotional negotiation” is tilted differently. When I talk to other autistic people, I am always pleasantly shocked at how smoothly it goes. We don’t waste time on emotional subtext: if someone has a concern or feels hurt, they say so. Otherwise we simply pass information back and forth, which is enjoyable if you like the same sorts of information. Having people who share your culture and can do such things is vital to a happy existence as a minority.

So there you have it: a different way to view autism, and a less stressful way to make it through the world. I hope this has been helpful, or at the very least has encouraged you to question what you perceive as ‘normal’ or ‘obvious’ — in yourself, or in others. Like I said: it’s a two-way street! We just have to care to understand each other, and keep perspective when we don’t.

[marc--chilton]

heyyyy i got a name! i would now like to take the time to specify that the emoji is NOT a guitar it is a BASS guitar is for pathetic losers who can't handle the better clef (joking about guitar being pathetic but bass IS superior by a lot, do you think my fingers can bend that way for chords? they can't)

i love the idea of bulking up around ruts. it sounds super inconvenient, and i like it when fictional characters suffer. is it like "oh dangit i ate a big meal and now my pants are digging into me" or is it focused on the upper body? do they have to buy separate clothes for around the ruts when the regular ones don't fit?

house really does have a great kubrick stare. i think that house being autistic is the closest thing to canon as possible when the canon has said he isn't. but he is. and arguably so is nearly everyone else except cameron. what i don't think gets enough love is ADHD Chase and Kutner, which is odd to me because those two would score horribly on that test where you spend 15 minutes not clicking for an X but clicking for every other letter and also trying to not double-click for a letter. i think it's the connors test. i could be wrong. my point is they SCREAM ADHD to me but i can't seem to find others who agree with me there. do you agree with this conception of them?

do heats/ruts screw with medications? like. does ibuprofen work to reduce fevers in heats? does your dose need to increase during heats to accommodate heightened metabolism? does your dose need to decrease around ruts to accommodate lowered metabolism (if that's what helps the bulking)?

-🎸

hmmm i suppose that could be partly genetics too. like some people get some beefy arms, some just get a gut, or a fat ass,

given that it's highly encouraged for alphas to stay at home for their ruts, most don't bother with actual pre-rut outfits since the window of pre-rut bulking to holing up at home or a hotel for the rest of the cycle is pretty small, opting instead to go with sweatpants and breathable tees. so there's probably some who have rut loungewear specifically but most are fine with just a handful of stuff

i can see adhd chase and kutner totally!! i haven't really thought about it but those sound 110% feasible to me. i don't have adhd myself but i'm part of that trifecta of adhd/autism/anxiety so like i can See it, yknow....... i'm understand you........ also i love "except cameron" i'm just imagining she's their token neurotypical friend. which is even funnier when you notice how normal she thinks she is but she's soooo not. i didn't forget about that HIV bit girl

as for medication....... good question. ibuprofen works in a pinch as a fever reducer, yes, but someone in heat will burn through it faster than they can safely ingest more. those with heart conditions probably need dr visits after their cycles due to the strain it puts on them, and given their results may have their medications adjusted. alphas bulking up for their ruts actually will need smaller doses of some medications because their bodies aren't absorbing everything taken in. think of it like stockpiling. when they come off their rut after having taken their normal medication regularly, it isn't outside the realm of possibility to overdose from backlogged meds

[jettaiah]

hedwig and the autistic experience

i have a lot more thoughts about misericorde than i can rightly put into words, but there's something really comforting about stories where our protagonist has to learn to be a person among other people at an adult age, and i think that has a lot to do with me being autistic

(mild misericorde spoilers)

there's really something uniquely alienating about being an autistic adult, especially one who did not have many friends growing up. and i think this lines up with hedwig's experiences pretty well; while children are expected to mess up and act out, adults have higher standards assigned to them. she's simultaneously held up to standards she doesn't even understand, while also being compared to a child for her naivety.

the sisters, for the most part, try to be gentle with hedwig. but often they forget themselves, because they cannot imagine the position hedwig is in. she has a completely different way of functioning to everybody else in the world and she has to learn how to cope in a world that isn't made for her. again i feel this has some parallels with the neurodivergent experience, being around people who simply don't function the way you do, who have different brains, and who can only attempt to understand.

hedwig's basically having to learn every social rule at once, with people who can't understand what she's going through, AND while having to do a job. for people who lead a normal life, at this stage they'd already be masking or they've learned ways to adapt to the world - but in hedwig's case she never had that opportunity. it's hard to really articulate all of this but i think this the best way i can do it: some autistic people did not learn to blend with neurotypicals as well or as quickly as others, for a variety of reasons, and turn into autistic adults who stick out.

as one of those autistic adults, i really like hedwig.

all this to say: i don't think hedwig is autistic, or intended to be written as such! her experiences are part of being an anchoress. but they do parallel my own, i think, and i am grateful for her existence. hope you find peace, hedwig. i am rooting for you!

[aquariusqueen77]

Into My 3-Yr Sobriety Streak 🩸🫁

-69 to -61

Yes, I know. I took so long and now you think I'm flaky. Can you blame me? Mars and Mercury have been in retrograde, Pluto in Aquarius, and I'm an Aquarius- I should know! And don't get me started on the New moon!! It's been a tough time for me. I mean, you relate, right? Your head feeling a little clouded, angry about past situations that you know you'll never forgive, and are emotionally and mentally over it, but somehow not yet entirely.

I mean, what is forgiveness, really? I mean, really? Is it even necessary?? How can you forgive yourself of something disjointed? How hard can you be on yourself? That's so vain. You deserve happiness, don't you think?...So what's up with that overtone floating at the back, the vacuum, like between a half brain and the skull..but still inside the brain...Ugh, who am I kidding? I just lost you, didn't I. You don't get the picture, do you?

----------------

So weeks ago, I was experiencing a mental fog, and of course I was procrastinating most of my projects. It's a "problem" I have. I don't see it that way, I'm just trying to be sensitive to my Neurotypical audience. They call it laziness * laugh *. I don't enjoy it, so I don't get it. Okay, maybe a little. Do you ever get that feeling like your brain time is slow moving and it's like you're lagging but that's only because you have a lot on your mind. Damn, I could use that Provigil!

By the way, Sara Hyland is a great actress, I'm a fan.

----------------------------

Anyways, I lived life normally these past days. I smoked a bit, here and there, once every couple of days. I mean, did you really expect me to be fully sober during the festive season? Who else doesn't wanna be with their family during this period? I've said a lot, and you're probably wondering: why am I "rambling"? Well, I brought up family because it's what touches close to home to most of us whenever pain is brought up? The world is really that fucked up. If you can't relate because you have a loving home and healthy family dynamics, good for you!:) Just try to imagine what I'm about to say because it's worth the mental jog, I promise.

--------------------------------------------

So, when I was experiencing my mental fog, I came across an article on a certain platform I am beginning to love. It was basically about procrastination. Who woulda guessed? * Chuckle * So basically the whole point of the article was to advise the people  watching from the outside looking in not to take things at face value.

What could look like laziness or procrastination to you, would be a mental and emotional struggle for someone else. It could also be something else. Personally, I don't mean to be an overthinker or too optimistic but I believe we live in a vast world full of probabilities and possibilities, nothing is black and white. Actually it just means, I'm open-minded. Wow, why is this even a term used in 2024? Anyways, remember when I told you I met a stranger and we conversed about the recovery journey? What I want to teach you about is pain, but mostly circumstance.

Unfortunately, we're gonna use homeless people as an example- courtesy of the article I read( I can't tag it because I lost track of it and never saved it). I don't know much about homeless people, but like I said earlier, we're going to use our imagination. I am taking you on this journey with me, so we may learn and grow together. Thank you for being here and taking your time to read this, enjoy my thoughts with me. Okay, so why do you think homeless people indulge in drugs but specifically smoking? Would you blame them for it, say they're responsible for their actions, hold them accountable? When a homeless person asks you for some change, do you instantly think, " They're just gonna buy drugs, what's the use?" or " Get out of my face, junkie!"? I'm sure now that I brought the topic up, you're probably contemplating more about it.

----------------

I'm not one to judge people due to their lack of resources, so maybe dive into this empathy route with me? It's a cold night, if we ain't cuddling, watching movies, we're probably lighting it up. Honey, you know smoking doesn't exactly warm you up, right? But it definitely distracts you from such harsh conditions. Shelters, and sleeping outside, are often overcrowded. I'd step out for a sec just to break the monotony or claustrophobia. A cig is definitely a relief.

Homeless people use smoking as a way to deal with hunger pangs as it suppresses appetite. Unfortunately, this helps deal with the problem just for a short while, but it worsens long-term health and nutritional deficiencies.

Nicotine is a stimulant, so it's used to combat fatigue. Can you blame them? The constant physical strain can cause stress, and smoking provides a sense of structure and control in their chaotic life. Smoking is pretty much a social activity, this is a form of bonding or brings about a sense of community when they do it in groups (Aw).

While smoking doesn't alleviate these factors in a significant way, it does serve as a coping mechanism. Addressing these physical hardships would help reduce the smoking rates among the homeless population.

-----------------

Now, let's talk about the multifactorial correlation between smoking and homeless people. We all know this is a coping mechanism for stress. I mean, I do it because of the stress sometimes, so I kind of get it. This makes me feel sad for them. Besides the stress, it's also a way to "deal" with trauma, mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, etc. Due to their limited access to addiction treatment and support services, they often struggle with substance abuse. The habit is way too normalized, so it's easy for one to adapt to it.

I'm sorry to say but homeless individuals are...let me just say, Tobacco companies have historically been known to target vulnerable populations, including those with lower socio-economic status to make smoking more appealing. Wow, they really said, " Brokey!!" I think Imma dive into this one for you because I cannot be called out like this and just sit back and do nothing! So apparently, they market the cheaper cigies specifically to low- income neighbourhoods and basically they're often displayed in convenience stores and offered as promotional deals. As a business woman, it makes sense( I'm not that kinda business woman though), but as a lady who enjoys a smoke once in a while, I am appalled. Damn, so free samples are given out to homeless shelters, etc., and where low-income individuals congregate. Studies show that communities with higher poverty rates often have more Tobacco advertisements per square mile compared to affluent areas. Advertising campaigns often frame smoking as "affordable luxury" or a mental escape from stress and what not, I mean, who wouldn't fall for that?

Tailored products- smaller ones to those who can't afford the normal sized ones. I actually have experienced this, years back I would order the King Size Sportsman. They were around for a couple of months then disappeared. Quite frankly I loved it because it was more refined compared to the smaller sizes. It was worth it! Now, I haven't seen smoking ads...quite frankly, I don't think I've ever seen one, that I remember..all this is from research( just the ads part)...I just see them in movies. Anyways, so apparently, smoking is portrayed as a form of independence or rebellion. I mean, it does feel that way ngl. It felt that way for me, sometimes, in the past. But unfortunately/apparently, the ads did this to target individuals, that felt marginalized or excluded from the mainstream society. Tobacco companies sponsor events or provide funding for initiatives in low-income areas, I know right? It looks harmless. It's actually ironic and hypocritical, but I would also say, good, good. I mean, isn't smoking just matrix behavior?

I feel bad for them, because if one wanted to quit, it'd be so hard, because of all the barriers in place- lack of access to healthcare, resources like nicotine replacement therapies, etc. Like I mentioned earlier, and definitely don't mind repeating( I'm doing this intentionally), the overlap between homelessness and mental health issues contribute to higher smoking rates. While cigarettes are costly, individuals prefer instant gratification over other expenses due to Nicotine's addictive nature.

In conclusion, besides high smoking rates worsening long-term health, it also strains limited financial resources, perpetuating the cycle of poverty and homelessness.

----------------------------------------------

I'll make sure to bring up how we can deconstruct this and help break this matrix. What's the use of knowledge/awareness, if we won't do something about it, right?

[liliallowed]

you don't feel weird enough to be autistic

vs

me visibly recoiling from the whiplash of someone touching my stuff as the supess screaming into the void.

guy's I'm starting to think I'm not neurotypical.

okay like in hindsight this hindsight that... when you don't really know what autism is untill you're in your 20s LOTS of shit you did were always part of life.

suicidal thoughts? normal. disorganized organization? sensitivity to stuff? I'm just being whiney done worry.

I can't actually take myself seriously because I've been raised to invalidate my own experience and just after having a mental break down I have to stop myself from beating myself up over how much of a fragile whimy weakling I am to get mad at trivial things...

like packing... and like... preparing an art museum thingy to show off as a portfolio out of your ass in 24 hours...

like you would imagine I'd give myself the right to be stressed but no. since I always default into emotional suppression no matter how extreme they are even normal stressful things don't stress me in the present because I save it all for later to combust...

can't afford to dall apart yet.

the moment and I mean the moment someone told me it's not necessary to push myself I'm not kidding when I say I started to cry and scream as if the dam just fucking exploded.

I'm.

I'm at least glad I'm facing these things now instead of my later years like in my 30s...

so that's a w.

I tried to calm myself but that only happens with me avoiding doing the thing and not doing it stresses me out but then doing it also freaks me out so I'm just stuck in limbo until my brain decides to put a function into the thought "do it" and clicks it into action whenever it pleases.

or just fucking explode and do nothing and paralyse myself. it's a 50/50 I still don't know how that works.

anyways... I always doubt that because I'm not... like idk "retarded" enough that I can't be...

fucking hell it hurts you know? it hurts to suddenly realized you've been beating yourself with a brick all your life treating yourself with a carrot and a stick except the carrot is disassociating and the stick is fucking mentally yelling and abusing yourself...

[mono-red-menace]

so like, one thing i found out from a psychiatrist about OCD that has helped me a lot, and honestly should be how people without OCD think about things, is like.

most if not all people have those kinds of thoughts.

standing at the edge of a cliff and thinking to jump, holding a baby and imagining dropping it and hurting it, those sorts of things.

but like, in people without OCD, they recognise those thoughts not as "i want this," but as their brain processing potential outcomes for various situations.

so you think about jumping, and you think "i don't want that."

but a person with some OCD varieties would focus on their thoughts like. "i thought this, that means i must want this, im a horrible person," that sort of thing.

and when communicating the intrusive thoughts, people focus on how They thought it, you know. "I thought about hurting them." "I thought about jumping."

and i think that leads a lot of people- both with and without ocd- to think of these thoughts as secret desires, you know? not to say like Ohhh the poor innocent people without OCD, yk, it's just like. helpful for a person with OCD like myself that when someone without OCD reacts in that way, to recognise that they probably don't think of their thoughts like that as actual Thoughts, and honestly probably forget about them. they're just kinda a brain processing moment that kinda slips their minds, you know?

i think having the view of both that these thoughts are normal, and also that the idea that your intrusive thoughts are scary and prove your bad is probably based in a misunderstanding of what those thoughts are, you know?

i've been able to really stop being bothered by most of my thoughts when they happen most of the time. I'll get a thought about sexually assaulting someone, and i'll recognise that it's my brain processing potential outcomes for a situation, and i'll ignore it, and continue on.

but like. letting go of those thoughts and not being horrified by them is treating the OCD, because those thoughts aren't abnormal to have, and a neurotypical response to those kinds of thoughts would be to not acknowledge them, and the obsession and acknowledgement is part of the OCD.

i didn't allow myself to treat my OCD for a long time because i was scared that if i stopped worrying about all the bad things i could do, i would start doing them, and it would show that i was actually bad

but learning about intrusive thoughts has led me to no longer obsess over those things, to recognise that they're normal things for your brain to process, and thinking them isn't bad, because it's something like. everyone does.

and this isn't like "oh, actually it's okay if you like these things, it's okay to be a pedophile" or whatever.

accepting that you have those thoughts and allowing them to pass as treatment isn't accepting that you're a pedophile and being okay with it, it's accepting that those thoughts are a normal part of the brain processing information, and aren't indicative of your beliefs, but rather like, your fears, things like that.

to me i think the best comparison is when you see something so cute that you just want to like, crush it. hurt it, that sort of thing. and i KNOW that is a common thing, it's got a name; "cute aggression."

that "cute aggression" is the same sort of processing that our brains do over, like, everything in our lives, but they're the ones that most people acknowledge, idk why, maybe because it's one that elicits such a natural aggressive response, but i think that's a way that people who don't have OCD should think of thoughts like that.

it's like cute aggression. you don't REALLY want to kill the baby, it's just your brain processing information.

ive found that partially treated mental illness can sometimes look to uninvolved onlookers like faked mental illness.