#im trying to cope but i feel like a stranger to myself

[spiderweb-bf]

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[toastsnaffler]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[genderfluid-druid]

like is there a word for "romance is NOT for me oh my GOD it's such a bad idea for the way my brain is built, BUT HOWEVER not every part of my brain has gotten the memo about this and nature still thinks it's funny to kneecap me with a crush every now and then."

[mejomonster]

Ridiculously depressed but I am running ragged (which is surely worsening the depression ToT) so like the idea of weekly therapy to further exhaust me and trigger the anxiety more doesn't sound super compatible

[perpetuallyboo]

Is it insane for me to get emotional about Dang Litefoot? Let me get insane over Dang for a moment.

I know a lot of more emotionally intense moments in D20 are kind of stepped past and not taken in impact continuing on from it so I am simply left to go insane by myself. I already really liked Dang from the start with his very easy fuck authority attitude and his being a presumably struggling older teenager/young adult-I mean come on he's living in his uncles shed, it can't be said he has a great situation. So, already, I really liked him and found some relatability- also the sort of disheveled outgrown dyed hair reminded me quite a lot of people I've seen on T for awhile and I was personally quite happy to see that.

And clearly, Dang's familiar with being an outcast. However much his belief in Rashab goes, its clearly something precious to him that brings him a Peace and Comfort- how he got through the initial getting into the game so smoothly as the others struggle was holding true to his belief. It was both very funny for the insanity of the bits and the comedy in it but something I very much enjoyed that he had some sort of grounding- and then getting just absolutely punched in the gut by having it confirmed how much of an outcast Dang has been and how Lonely he is. Standing away from the group as they shop and recount, thinking about that horrible hope he must have had that his friends might take him seriously, might actually Respect him, since clearly theres insane magic shit thats REAL in the world with this insane thing they all went through together- that theres a chance they'll take him seriously.

Being so clearly not- Respected about this thing that's so important to him. Even with how nice russell and wendell were, clearly still finding him insane and not paying the thought to try and take him Seriously, ask him any questions about his belief or how its helped him, how he feels about this all-

Of course it sounds insane, out of character thats a big part of the bit. But it cements how no matter what- Dang is an outcast. No matter what insane shit happens to other people, something that can bond and get a group together like nothing else could- Dangs still alone.

Not to mention the immediately jumping to absolutely horrible coping mechanisms, getting drunk and sleeping with strangers. Its just- its the fact it all happened, that loneliness, going to those unhealthy coping mechanisms, almost dying, and then just- continuing on. Coming back. Not even mentioning what had happened to the others like hey I just almost died- the fucking cutting away to Paula talking about his "Stupid Rashab thing"

IMJUSTTT Im just I feel so insane im getting so emotional over Dang Litefoot and i want to give him a fucking hug and say I'd love to talk with him and understand him more and also hey lets talk about some healthier coping mechanisms buddy alright okay youre doing so good im fuckin sobbing

[guroperv]

hi there! :] i'm lilith, but most just call me lil or lily.

i'm 25, nonbinary and use any pronouns. i'm autistic, aspd, and the head of a system. only 2 or 3 alters use this blog to post (please feel free to ask questions about them if you are curious). 1 of them has his own blog

i am probably on your dni. i empathise with various serial killers and shooters. i post a lot of gore (including animal death) and nsfw, and am into some very fucked up shit (necrophilia, hybristophilia, mechanophilia, noncon, tortureporn, highly detailed guro, kidnapping to name a few). if that isn't what you like, then just block and move on. or feel free to leave a pathetic hate anon for me to laugh at. <3

i do have homicidal thoughts, and i will vent about them on here. this does not mean i will act on them, im simply just an unstable girl thing unable to seek the treatment i need so i cope by spilling my thoughts to random strangers on the web.

i do have a serial killer/cannibalistic alter. no i do not let him front frequently (but if he does he is one of those whom posts on the blog), esp if i am dealing with said homicidal ideation.

my alters are mostly "their own people" so to speak, some are fictive, others simply identify with fictional characters. @reapershi for example, is his own person, but heavily identifies with death the kid from soul eater so often uses his depiction to represent himself. i do have a stein alter, yes he's a fucking lunatic, yes he sometimes posts on the blog as well if i myself am not doing well. he is not harmful, however. lastly, i have a wolf boy alter, who heavily identifies with razor from genshin. he is the last alter who i allow to sometimes post on my blog. he's also his own person, but has the mentality of a feral child. he will usually only reblog photos of wolves when he is active. again, it is not common for these alters to be fronting, it does not happen all the time, only if im severely struggling with something. i have various other alters who have no interest in using tumblr too, but usually it's me at the front. just putting this here as clarification that i am not constantly switching like most did fakers tend to do. these alters are very real, i struggle very much with past trauma and my sense of identity, and i also wish the quirky "trend" of did would stop.

i do not tolerate racism, homophobia, nazism or bigotry. i do not condone these actions from any killers i may reblog or post about.

i do, however, condone the idea of natural selection. :]

likes (things i may reblog/post about frequently);; soul eater (stein my beloved), tcc (mainly serial killers (esp jeff <3), though sometimes i may reblog things about shooters), surrealism, psychology, cats, bunnies, nature, gothic style, halloween, music, gore, guro, nsfw topics, computers & older electronics

please feel free to send me dms or asks. i'm not great at talking, but i'll try to reciprocate regardless. :]

[fairycosmos]

i don't have anyone so a stranger feels better but i think im going to kill myself soon. i don't see myself living anymore. everything is so doom and gloom

hey i'm so sorry to hear this and i get it 100%. i understand that clichéd words of comfort often ring hollow during times like these, so i won't just spout off empty platitudes. honestly i genuinely empathise with what you're going through and i totally recognising that words can't alleviate the overwhelming turmoil you're experiencing. it's so difficult to be in this headspace day after day, and it's completely understandable to feel drained/on the verge of giving up. existence can be exhausting and sometimes that's just all there is to it.

nevertheless, i hope you're able to reconsider eventually. i hope you're able to get to a place where you're able to see that your current mental state may not accurately reflect reality. your mind may be distorting your perceptions and endlessly catastrophising, as is common w suicidal ideation. it's important to realise that the intensity of these emotions is temporary and doesn't inherently define your future. i know that doesn't ring true right now but it is not impossible that it will eventually. while it might sound trite, reaching out to someone—a friend, your gp or a hotline—can offer the support you need not to suddenly and magically get better, but to safely collapse without harming yourself until you feel ready to stand up again. i'm not suggesting it as a simple or easy solution, but rather as a reminder that you don't have to face this alone. you still have options, even if it feels like you're trapped.

whether you need to cry, vent, distract yourself or just rest, it's all valid. take things moment by moment; that's all that's required of you right now. your presence is so so noticed and your safety is so important. If you feel like you're at risk, please prioritise getting to a secure location and reaching out to someone, even if it means overriding the current impulses of your own mind. you're not alone, and there are so many ways to begin confronting these feelings of suicidal ideation head-on without having to hurt yourself to do so - finding the root causes of why you feel this way, building a routine based off of healthier coping mechanisms, verbalising what's going on in your brain - it all helps. your brain is going to register it as bullshit at first, and that's alright. it's not a cure, and i understand that it's tiring to have to keep trying when it's the last thing in the world you want to do. but it'll give you some space between the intensity of your thoughts and your emotions. with time, it'll make it so that you're able to live a full and manageable life alongside the depression. there's no timeline for it, and it's a lifelong project, which i know isn't ideal. i just think you deserve to give yourself some grace and some time. please, take care of yourself and at least consider rethinking what you're saying to me. i care about you and will be here if you need to talk or anything. please visit the resources below if you feel like you're at your wits end and don't know what else to do. even if they're of no help to you right now, maybe you could come back to them some time. sending a big hug. x

international suicide hotlines / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / creating a crisis plan / suicidal ideation coping skills / suicidal ideation coping skills 2

[brosser-les-dents]

hi.

ive never done this before but um im not very good at taking care of myself and ive been trying to fix that, especially when it comes to getting myself to start a routine of brushing my teeth.

its really hard because im pretty sure i have sensory issues. i just really hate the physical feeling of every step of the dental care process and how aware i become about how my mouth feels during it. its so bad that even the thought of trying to go brush my teeth immediately makes me uncomfortable and put off and hyperaware of my mouth which makes me feel bad about not brushing and starts a whole negative thoughts cycle.

i procrastinate doing it even though i know i need to do it and feel the consequences of not brushing everyday, all the time but i don't know how to even get myself into the bathroom with my dental stuff. i even bought specific paste and mouthwash that would help repair the damage and i got one of those tongue brushes (i have a fear of using floss) but i just can't seem to actually go and do the thing.

i was wondering if you had any advice or coping mechanisms or methods of distraction while brushing or something that can help maybe get my mind off what im feeling and doing so i can actually get through it without feeling terrible and just make the whole process a little less uncomfortable?

sorry for going off on a sort of tangent. i just really need help and i never really know how to go about asking or looking for it so i thought asking a stranger on the internet was probably an okay idea lol.

thank you for this blog and thank you for whatever advice you give in advance.

Sorry it's taken me a bit to reply, it's been a week and I had think about your ask for a bit as this isn't something I struggle with and I wanted to provide something helpful.

I know you mentioned you got special oral care things but didn't mention a toothbrush, so a diff one might help. There is a curaprox toothbrush and it's ultra soft and the bristles are tightly packed so you get a more overall brush feeling over your tooth instead of intense pokey from a regular toothbrush.

If you haven't heard about them, there are also these 360 or all around toothbrushes that will brush everything all at once so it's less sensory nightmare on one spot. They're shaped like the pic below, there are a bunch of diff ones. Mostly kid sizes but some adult sized.

Another thing I can think of is to brush with your non dominant hand. Lol. You may end up spending so much time focused on making sure your non dominant hand is working properly to brush that you'll distract yourself from the feeling of brushing.

Another distraction tactic that I use is reading or watching something on my phone. Or wiggle your toes while brushing to distract from the sensory information you're getting in your mouth. (useful for when you're getting a needle or your blood drawn too)

Reading your ask, it also sounds like you may have developed an overall aversion to even being in the place of brushing, the bathroom. So take some baby steps at the kitchen sink, instead? Maybe just start by putting the brush into your mouth and do one very short cursory overall with your non dominant hand, and slowly work your way up until you're more used to it and then move back into brushing in the washroom. I'm hoping in your case, exposure will dull your senses and get you used to brushing, especially when you've made some changes to hopefully make the process bearable.

I really have nothing else. I hope at least a little of this was helpful. If anyone else has suggestions, please do share!

And remember to brush and floss everyone!

[stick-ball]

I WAS LOOKING FOR A JEREMY BPD/ANGER ISSUES POST I THOUGJT I HAD SEEN THIS MORNING PLEASE WRITE YOUR HEADCANNONS AGAIN I BEG OF YOU GIVE JEREMY KNOX THE LOVE HE DESERVES

Okay so this is long overdue, but might as well. I guess this is an observation of fandom Jeremy as much as the canon one, so don't come at me.

I dunno read Jeremy as having BPD bcs... bcs honestly have you ever met anyone who has Sunshine shining from their ass? Me neither. Though I have met ppl with severe personality issues who had a coping mechanism like that, of course they weren't young and talented sportsmen looked up to by many ppl and rooted for by many, so they had enough free space and privacy to go absolutely fucked up at other ppl when they were having bad brain hours.

Yes im including myself here.

The name of the game is If I Give Them No Reason to Leave Me They Won't.

Or If I Give Them No Things To Hate Me For They Won't Hurt me.

But spice it up with black and white thinking, paranoia and unhelathy behaviours jumping off the standard spectrum of bottling things out into like, going on a 4 hour run to cool off bcs you are undeserving bcs you are a bad captain bcs you're annoyed at the freshmen bcs they dont care about your shared goals enough and is thay really a them issue? Or is it actually a You issue? Are you blaming others for your own failures again? Look at yourself, you're fucking pathetic, and egoistic at that, you demand things from others but how do you show you care for what others need huh? You think you're a good captain? Keep telling yourself that, before you know it they will all turn against you. Because you're a failure, bcs you cant even make them care? Maybe you're just not a good enough player , or maybe they can see straight through you, see what you are udnerneath the happy exterior. Yo have just not good enough, not trying hard enough, and you want them to look up to.. to That???

Or maybe it is a them issue bcs fuck that, fuck the smiling, fuck the caring, you don't actually care, if they don't care, why would you? 🤔 you don't owe anyone anything you are so done with everyone and everything cant they LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE, HAVENT YOU DONE ENOUGH TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE SMALL THING GO RIGHT ONCE? YOU ARE SO FUCKKNG ANGRY so you have to do something you feel like smashing something, you could, your body is literally a machine, you could show them what you actually think about their Opinions, how pathetic and annoying they are and actually fuck that you have to leave you cant stand being in the same room as them for one second longer.

But the sunshine Jeremy 🌞 exterior slips on so even though you want to crash the doors closed you smile and wave and say something stupid and cheery you even have a fucking spring in your step.

Bcs you're a fucking liar a fucking impostor you can't help it at this point you are a clay figurine that's hollowed out inside.

You are so tired it's like there's a lump of cloth absolutely soaked weighting on your lungs

You actually feel like crying while you wave at alvarez from the stretch of the corridor, making goddamn plans to meet up for group studying maths later in the evening while your lungs constrict holding down a sob.

You hate them all for the next 3 hours.

And then on hour four while you're circling the campus heading back from your walk/jog/run/staring into the distance/jog again you tap into the very comfortable very familiar hating of yourself.

This is a light version of course but I bet Jeremy is that person that dissapears sometimes like at parties ect bcs they are doing some absolutely stupid shit like having sex with a complete stranger or getting drunk but they know enough about the emptiness and self hatred they will feel ten minutes after they succumb to thay behaviour that they learned to do it when the judgment of the ppl who know them won't touch this piece of him. Bcs it feels like a separate piece.

Like he is parcelled into different breeds of fucked up inside and they are all set on a loop in a music playing machine from a highway diner. One song ends another starts you can choose which one if you throw in a dime.

And also we gotta add in the sensory issues, he sees things, he hears them, sometimes he does a dodge while there's nothing coming bcs he thought it was. Some weeks it feels almost he lives from one training to the next bcs he doesn't remember a minute from what's in between. Good thing he taught himself this sunny persona bcs its an autopilot mode that gets him having to answer the least amount of questions when he doesn't fucking remember what happened from 8 am till late afternoon that day.

[camestela]

I hope everything gets better.

Step 1. Dont feel guilty. Armor was invented to protect the soft parts inside of it. It doesnt make you less soft for your mind & heart trying to prepare you for a long struggle

Step 2 is Nourish yourself with small joy and small wonder. If you only focus on the tragedies of the world you will starve that soft part of yourself. Friends. Family. Hummingbird eggs. Cats. Music. Its all sustenance.

Step 3 is to choose your battles carefully. Helping a little bit or making a little progress is better than being so overwhelmed you cant help or make progress at all. The time will pass anyways.

Step 4....

Check in with yourself from time to time. Its a hard habit to form but it will help if you stop once in a while - different times, different moods- to ask yourself how you're doing and if the things you're doing are healthy for you in the long term or only the short term.

It's ok to use a coping mechanism for a little while. If it's all coping mechanisms then maybe it isnt exactly coping and you need a new strategy.

Its not a sprint or a race. Its more like a marathon. Or a nature hike. Take in the scenery and pace yourself.

If you have to push past some limits, at least find ways to make it easier on yourself.

Anyway im a stranger. Im a little drunk. (And i love your art btw and you were very nice to me when i got a commission from you and were an absolute pleasure to work with) and also i know the feeling of being super burnt out on optimism- especially lately. But i do hope that you have things and people around you that make prospects less grim.

Thank you so much for your advice! thank you for liking my art and also taking the time to talk to me, i think you make so many good points, i will try to check in with myself more as well, and apply some of these tips.

i hope you've a lovely week

[lietuvens]

i fucking hate my job i want to kill myself but no but i am so fucking tired you know i already feel gross as a dishwasher touching food bits full time makes me feel like the ugliest girl in the world but the owners cant even fix the service dishwasher for 3 weeks i just am expected to wash and wipe sometimes 300 dishes in a few hours and they all are heavy and the sink is deep and these are small tiny spoiled kid problems but every morning i wake up and cry and i am too tired to not work overtime i think i burned out a week or two or three ago but i cant stop and i cant quit because back home everything is fucked and i just keep remembering every day how my dad looked like in a coma and how i found his funeral strangely entertaining all these random people every single one hugging me while sobbing just strangers all hugging me telling how sorry they feel for me while i feel fine its fine though still ive just very well avoided working full time in a mechanical job which brings me nothing except numbers in my bank account only to worry about money more and fantasizing about stabbing my bosses slicing their stomachs open and throats too i think they are embodiment of sins like in a biblical way of gluttony and hate and just ridiculously bad vibes and my co workers agree. i think noticing how germany can fine people thousands upon thousands for boiling a lobster alive , the owner couple would have quite a lot child abuse charges seeing how they keep them in a room filled with trash for 7 hours a day. they are the most unreliable people ive ever met constantly making promises they cant keep. im afraid of becoming the same because i dont text people back. i cant stop seeing how everyone is doomed and politics are fucked and everything is powerless. i try to cope with the idea that im still pimpin, dont get me wrong i totally am, nothing is as heavy and restricting as it seems but fuck man im so tired and fuck latvia man i love my people i love the earth i love the sea there but holy shit how can it be so tough there. if only there were sensible social security systems i swear my dad wouldve died years later and i couldve at least seen him a bit more or something. i want to kill myself only because i want to live i hate myself so much because every couple of days i cant cope at all. its okay though i think. time will pass anyway and all the other tweets. my horoscope reminds me of discipline every day and it is right. i just have to do everything in my power to not let it all eat me alive. ill be still pimpin

[apollos-olives]

Hi. I hope this finds you well. Please feel free to ignore this and I apologize for bothering you with this.

Please firstly not that this is not ment in a "im so weak and whiny and boohoo speaking up so scary" kind of way.

I need genuine advice and I don't feel safe to come off anon bc I'm really ashamed for needing help or letting myself down like this..

How do you keep going when your body is begging you to stop or recharge when you feel guilty as fuck for even slowing down

why do you think it's appropriate to vent to a random stranger on the internet like this first of all. especially one that is trying to cope with a genocide against their own people right now.

[flowersbark]

Holy shit. Okay. Hi. I’m also a csa survivor. I’m legit so desperate for anything sort of recognition on this issue I’ve been having for almost 2 years now. https://www.tumblr.com/flowersbark/740288973409288192/fellas-is-it-a-proship-to-project-cocsacsa-on

It relates to this post, except I am going to get EXTRA personal on this.

Tw for r//pe, gr///ming, Self-h//rm, and csa (obvsly)

Okay so I also really really reallyyy don’t like proshippers, I am hypersexual, and I have zero access to any sort of help atp in my life. Now that I have those things out of the way right now, I am essentially in a dilemma a lot like that post. One major problem, it’s not me JUST wanting to project, it’s me wanting to BE in that spot of the victim again for some reason. And I mean like srsly getting assaulted again and all that horrible stuff. Like, i THINK these ideas, thoughts, and urges I have are called “intrusive thoughts”?? But I’m not sure. I’m disturbed by them regardless.

This has been so frustrating to deal with bc first of all, I’m not a victim to gr//ming, second, yes, I am a victim of csa at a young age, and third, I find myself having some sort of YEARNING to be hurt in such a way. (Not cocsacsa, just to not let things get mixed up btw) I have looked around on the internet for so long about this issue and I find NOTHING on it, like, am I just going crazy? Am I trying to cope with it in the worst way possible? Like, I genuinely don’t know, and it drives me mad because on one hand, I have this massive theory that it’s a mental attempt of “self- h//rm”, and then on the other hand, it’s a bizarre extreme version of yearning for touch and affection, but I’m just so unsure because I can’t find any other personal accounts of anyone else!

I acknowledge that your post wasn’t about this oddly specifc scenario, and I’m so sorry that this is so out of pocket, and possibly even counterproductive (idk) but as another csa victim, would you be able to offer some sort of insight? Is that something I can even ask for on here? It’s okay if you can’t, or don’t want to, I fully understand if I just never see a response to this. I really hope things get better for you and that you’re a having at the very least, a decent day regardless. Thank you.

Also p.s., sorry for not being able to answer that question, I myself am also uncertain on a definite answer for that. Like, the most I can say is that I think it’s okay to explore unhealthy dynamics, so long as they’re both acknowledged as bad/unhealthy/traumatizing things, and not put out to the public since people can take/look at things and get weird and nasty🤢 (so generally just used in a private and secure setting)

HI !!! uhh

first off, yes you can ask for advice, insight, anything. thats why i made this blog, other than to just vent to strangers. second, thank you for giving me your opinion on the csa proship situation.

i do think what you're going through are intrusive thoughts, and i get those a lot too. especially about going through what i did again, or worse. i also fucking HATE those thoughts, especially because my mind makes it by people i know irl, especially classmate im close to. it makes me feel disgusting and like im sexualizing and making my classmates horrible people when they ARENT. intrusive thoughts arent a reflection of who you are, theyre a reflection of who you DONT want to be, thats why theyre so disturbing.

again, the almost yearning for it is intrusive. it's also a trauma response. like how people who are used to being mentally abused will seek out and be with people that will treat them like that, its kinda like that. its not a good way to cope, but its not the WORST. as the absolute worst would be repeating the cycle.

im sorry if this doesn't help, its kinda just my word vomit with no revisions,, but i hope it does. it gets better, i promise. keep going.

[oneangstymotherfucker]

tw csa mention / k!nk mention

Something that gets to me about the anti mindset is that it doesn't seem to be able to account for the fact that we might be reading age-gap stuff from the younger person's perspective. Why do they always assume otherwise? (Of course it's okay if you do, but for this post im talking about the other side).

The truth is, sexuality cannot be completely severed from childhood experiences. From what I've read, most kinks and interests develop alongside the rest of our personality(ies). This is very normal.

It is also very normal to engage in 'pleasure seeking' as a child. Something feels nice on your body, so you keep doing it. I started when I was about six, and every therapist I've talked to has said that is normal.

The age during which you start understanding your bonds and relationships to other people is also very important, and since it affects your development and the rest of your life, going back to those ideas and looking at them can be very healing.

So it makes sense why anyone would be interested in metaphorically 'going back' to those times in their lives and exploring what they didn't have words or capacity to understand back then. Real children do not have the capacity to understand or cope with sex. They are not ready, and it would cause them harm. Maybe it did cause you harm. Fictional children are not real children. Fictional children are an extension of our own inner child, a way for us to process what we couldn't then now that we are safe and have more control of our lives. It doesn't undo the harm, but it can help you sort it out and move on from it.

So yeah, all of this is even more important if you have been hurt. I write about the ages 6-12 a lot because that's around the time I was hurt. It's not that im 'stuck there' or 'fetishizing' it (you can't 'fetishize' your own trauma) - I am doing work there. I am reclaiming it there. I am making sure the needy little 12 year old in me is safe and happy.

But as for me and myself- I was still afraid. I might always be. For a long time I couldn't even approach sexuality. When I finally did it was talking to old men online, trying to get them to believe I was much younger than I was, playing with them and seeing what they would say. That was what felt safe. The only 'part' of me that felt safe being sexual was the part that was still a kid.

I don't cope like that anymore. I found a way that I like better, that is more under my control and is way less risky to myself and the potential people i was talking to. And that is writing fiction!!!!

Through fiction I can set up places where all of me feels safe (even if it might not look safe to you or would not be safe in the real world!). I can create scenarios where I can work through my fears, provide comfort and safety, and make a good place for my kid self to figure things out (and yes, get off).

And it has been helping! We've been feeling safer and more confident since we started writing, and we've learned so much about ourselves and how to feel safe.

I studied psychology for four years. There isn't really terminology for a 'bad coping mechanism'. There is the idea of maladaptive coping mechanisms, but here's the thing- what makes a coping mechanism maladaptive is wether it causes more harm than good in the person's life on a case by case basis.

The idea that a random stranger thinks they have the authority over your life and your unique psychology to tell you that you are hurting yourself with your coping mechanisms is ridiculous. No stranger online knows - or should know - the details of your trauma or life. They have no say in what is good for you. If you are worried something might be hurting you or holding you back, that is for you and maybe a trusted professional to figure out. It is certianly not for some squicked teenager or anyone else online to dictate.

Also, sexuality and brains are really complicated. You don't need trauma (or to remember it) in order to enjoy something. You're allowed to ship any ship for any reason. Bonus points if one of the reasons is because it makes you happy, because you deserve to be happy!

All ships are just roleplays. All fics are just scenes. When I write I put up tags to let people know what's in the scene. I hold on good faith that they are reading the tags, and they that I am not tagging incorrectly. I give them my scene, and if they at any point don't like what I'm doing, they stop reading. It is really very simple!!!

Finally, if you do have sexual trauma, you don't ever have to 'sterilize' it or be 'pure' about it. It's okay to have leftover feelings and kinks and interests that might seem backwards or not make sense to other people. You don't have to conform to a bullshit 'good survivor' image of some saintly person who put all that behind them and avoids avoids avoids like a pure little virgin mary.

You can look at it if you want to. You can pull it apart with your hands, you can reclaim it and get off to it if you want to, you can share it with consenting others and let them get off to it too. That is all okay and good. That is just being human. You are okay.

[gayspock]

OK

now im like im gonna shut up for real i fucking promise but also just feel like such fucking shit all the fucking time and its everything but it's mostly loneliness isn't it i feel like I'm going fucking nuts like seriously fucking nuts I keep thinking about what it would look like to look back on my existence like a TV show and think about how I've never been anything more than a sad fucking loser who just ends up crying in their room alone every night because they felt left out again and again and again and again and it never ends and it never changes and there's nothing you can do to make it stop there's just something wrong with you or there's not enough of you to like and i don't think I'm ever going to cope with it even after accepting it I just can't fucking do it and nobody's ever gonna care or know like for real because no matter what people say I just feel like i don't exist 8 feel like I'm constantly going crazy I wish it mattered like properly for a fucking second and it wasn't some fucking clinical reassurance but someone actively choosing to be near me or remembering I exist I don't understand it and 8 never have and I don't think I'll ever make it long enough to ever feel it I can't even relate to half the fucking bullshit out there ei don't know what to do I've never managed it I keep thinking when I kill myself what will happen how nobody will even realise how nobody will even want to deal with the body I wonder what would end up happening I keep trying to think of ways I could do it and make sure there's never anything to recover how to slowly dismantle all the pieces because I don't 2wnt to think about being left somewhere forever having some stranger fucking dig my hole or scatter my ashes i just feel so fucking sick of everything no i haven't i haven't managed to talk to people in years and years I don't remember any more einkeep thinking about the tens of thousands of hours of spiralling and nobody ever fucking giving a damn enough to take me seriously as a person 8 feel like I've never been a person to anyone I don't know i can't explain it people keep telling me I'm not trying enough I try too hard I don't care I can't fucking care any more and I'm not strong enough to fucking do it Its been my whole life 8 mean it it's just been like this I can't remember when it wasn't like this I used to fucking sob in cupboards wishing someone would just not fucking hate me please I'm so fucking or just stay please please like me or if I got older maybe if I went to new places maybe I could try I could try and it just kept. Getting worse. The more and more it happened the worse it got i didn't even do anything in uni nobody knew who I was and I think ive always just been a joke and 8 don't know what's wrong with me every time I get my hopes up I feel like I've just ended up more and more hurt and more and more upset and I just don't want to fucking try I don't want to keep doing it I don't want to be near anyone I feel so much fucking worse just living in the cracks of everyone else's fucking existence it feels like I'm being mocked and it's not fucking worth it nothing could retroactively make it fucking worth it ii don't fucking care but what's going to happen other than I'm going to go fucking sob in the dark for another few months until 8 finally kill myself hm okay!

[miiilowo]

Aren't you a minor? You cant get diagnosed with a personality disorder until you're an adult. I know this is going to sound condescending, but you're very young and still Going Through It. Having something to point to and say "this is why Im like this" may sound good in theory, but pathologizing your experiences often isn't the way to go especially with how insanely ableist health professionals are towards people with npd in particular. Basically what Im saying is try not to stress it, alleviate your negative symptoms how you can, and things will work out

every response ive tried coming up with for this makes me look like im stupid and confirming your suspicions and overreacting all at once, so i'm just going to put down what I have to say in defense of myself and leave it.

I do agree with you completely, but youre assuming quite a few things about me which i dont particularly enjoy

youre very right about it sounding condescending. I am very aware this is coming from a place of good faith, but you are a stranger on the internet, and i do not know you. you do not know me.

I'm not gonna pretend i know everything, and im not gonna pretend everything i experience is because. eek! the disorders! but im also not gonna sit back and pretend that everything i experience is Just Because Hormones lmao

I know thats the case for a lot of it, but my parents tried to tell me that about everything ive experienced from sexuality to gender to my (now diagnosed) ADHD, stress responses due to trauma, and being depressed for several years (it was because i had adhd and didnt know how to cope with it).

all of that has been confirmed and agreed on by a professional, not just me dicking around and getting positive feedback from my friends. so, hearing that has become incredibly exhausting; The whole 'well, youre a kid, so its just because youre experiencing changes and you feel bad' sort of argument. I get it. I'm glad you care, i know this isn't in any way malicious, i know you're trying to help.

I have my reasons, im not jumping to conclusions, im not pathologizing everything i do, and im very well aware that doing so is a bad idea. I actively avoid doing that as much as possible because i fucking hate it. I am an advocate for Just Existing, because i used to be like that, and am actively unlearning it. This is not me desperately clawing at an explanation, this is me noticing a pattern of behavior, getting curious, and looking into it for future reference.

i have less than a year until im an adult and i think knowing that so i can talk to a professional about it to see if im right is like. not a bad idea