#im trying so hard to survive with my art rn

[lizzietrashkittie]

Opened up a pop up shop and made a bunch of on theme promotional images for it.

I'm ass at marketing and don't really know where to post these or how to find the niche that wants them.

https://marzipanrabbit.carrd.co

I also have some cheaper options with similar designs on my redbubble! Because tbh, the pop up shops prices are way higher then I'd prefer. I just can't figure out how to properly fix them.

[enhanced-operatives-division]

Improvement :3

[queercatboyrights]

anyone got any tips on getting art industry jobs w/o a college degree bc holy fuck this shit is horrendous /oAo;\

[barbatusart]

Hi!! Sorry if this is forward but I’m a queer gore comic artist that works in healthcare and did covid testing from 2020-2022 ish and its cool and weird to see someone with such a similar background.

I guess I don’t have a specific question but I wonder what your experience has been like. How you manage what can be an emotionally and physically challenging job with creating an immense body of comics. If you find any connection/inspiration from your job or if art and work are pretty separate.

Sorry- feel free not to respond I know thats pretty vague and personal. But glad to know you’re out there 🫡

love your work, and stay safe (I’m not even patient facing and covid just ripped through my department)

from colleague to colleague, glad you survived frontline work man 🍻 always a pleasure to meet someone else who was there & who also happens to love drawing bonkers stuff hahaha

i was working general urgent care for a number of years pre-pandemic (I Am Not A Doctor I Am Not An RN Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer) & i took a lot of artistic inspiration from that job from both person to person bedside interaction & the overall kinds of wacko things that can happen to the body - lotta saline-hosing out lacerations & dodging projectile abscess drainage & the like. (we got a really bad mandolin hand one time & that was the one time i nearly had to tap out 😬) it was a really fun job & helped hammer in for me that sense of like, finding the fine line between caring too much (and becoming so personally invested and distraught that you can’t do your job effectively & risk alcoholism or whathaveyou at home) and caring too little (and becoming so hard-hearted that you forget patients are human beings who are afraid). i think finding that midpoint strengthened me as both medical staff & as an artist and writer.

i did not cope with COVID frontline well because it cut me off from humanity. i liked my old job because even if people came with serious stuff going on, they were coming to us and we could Help - and testing was not Helping anymore, it was an understaffed meat grinder. it was testing pointlessly on people who were going to be dead in 24-48h. i wound up throwing myself into a massive 1400 page comic project (SORTIE) just to distract from the reality of the situation & wound up burning out bigtime in a way im still trying to muddle through.

i tried doing an autobio comic about the COVID frontline experience (antigen* located over here if you’d like to read) but i couldn’t even get through it & it kind of falls flat in conveying what i was trying to convey. i may try again on that in another few years, but we’ll see

[1eos]

hi miss kendra, i need some advice if you don't mind. your new job journey has inspired me to quit the fuckass job i'm sick of but the audhd hates to think of change, and i don't know if i should just go for a masters instead to jump up a level in the job market. or, would you suggest joining the girls in stem with a python course? i hate to see my degree (business) go to waste and have been avoiding smth in software bc of that but if the jobs are good i might have to bc i can NOT stay here any longer w no progression money wise.

i dont mind at all <3 the main reason why i will never leave tumblr is that if you curate it right this can really become a support group for audhd adults and we all help each other survive this sick ass world. bc wow that audhd response to change is sooooo hard to deal with in the workplace which sucks bc in this current climate changing jobs frequently kinda is the wave rn

but anyways advice. obvs i can't know exactly what's best for you but i will throw some questions that helped me figure out where to narrow my focus!

1st. to answer the question is i would suggest joining the girls in stem. absolutely! but don't limit your focus to a python course. the main reason i didnt get into stem earlier was that i didn't realize there were sooooo many different niches of stem and thought that just bc i didnt necessarily want to do 0s and 1s exclusively it wasn't for me but now taking different classes im seeing its a lot of different things i could excel in. like i went in doing web design and realized while i don't enjoy that the way i expected it introduced me to networking, cybersecurity, and data science which i AM interested in. so if you're interested but java gives you the ick (valid) def start poking around free resources first before committing. i investigated some reddit threads and found online it training things that i did and ofc there are a bunch of books too

currently ive subscribed to tryhackme. of all of the hands on training courses its one of the cheapest at $14 a month and its walking me through all the different areas of networking and cybersecurity and its been helpful in getting my feet wet so i can pinpoint what fields im genuinely interested in. currently, im focused on trying to find a field where im truly 100% interested in digging in bc for me ive found caring abt my field gives me excitement that takes the edge off of the ego death change puts me through 😭😭😭😭

i say all that first bc a masters will be a GREAT boon to level up your income esp if you want to work for any kind of university which i would recommend as a good starting place bc the benefits tend to be really good and colleges are relatively more chill workplaces. however, depending on which field you go in just know that a lot of jobs will take the official certifications and your bachelors. and certifications are way cheaper than masters degrees so keep that in mind. especially if you get a certification, get employed in the stem field and then you may have the chance of your employer helping pay for your masters

ofc if you can afford to get your masters now you could go the other direction and start school now and use your school's connections to get student work/part time work in your field and then your odds of being hired in a permanent position after graduating goes up by 300000000000%

and i would suggest sitting down and making a list of everything you hate about your current job and what, ideally, you want for not your dream job but like...the job that could bring you the most content you know? if you're not living to work, picture what you want to do and how your job can help facilitate that without getting in the way.

so like for me my goal is to be able to do the art i want to do without having to worry about starving to death and have as much time to focus on art. bc that's my goal i realized i wanted a job that:

in a stable field where i could potentially get a job anywhere

pays well and consistently

remote work possible

flexible schedule so that i could work less than 5 days a week

clear upward trajectory

not centered around customer service 😭

relatively low stress and doesnt need crazy hours

so with this listed out i realized i didn't actually want my main job to be in the art field bc of the inconsistency and that stem could work for me and then from there anytime i find a new job that i think i could do i investigate it and check to see if the field is shrinking, education requirements, etc etc.

this is a lot but i hope at least one of these thoughts helps you! 💖

[racetheskies]

season 2, episode 33-36 thoughts

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

episode 33: Shibuya Incident - Gate, Open

I don't know how i survived this episode like I had seen the tweets and the quotes and the edits but I was so completely unprepared for actually watching it

gojo absolutely kicking ass was not something I'd seen coming but I was definitely not objecting especially when jogo realized he wasn't using Limitless and was beating the shit out of them with just martial arts and basic cursed energy

like they didn't stand a chance and he was going easy as hell on them that's actually insane

and then all of a sudden there's just "hey" and the infamous "satoru" and i was just sitting there like so not ready for this at all

"my heart and soul know otherwise" they literally knew each other by soul and knew each other better than anyone else and if it weren't for MF TOJI they could've figured their shit out and had a whole fucking life ahead of them but THEY DIDNT GET THAT

everytime they mention okkotsu I remember I need to watch JJK 0

episode 34: Pandemonium

watching suguru choke out kenjaku with the whole "protecting satoru gojo was muscle memory" quote in my head was a new level of suffering

kenjaku and mahito having a whole philosophical discussion and gojos like FUCK OFF IM BORED

the way the last thing gojo saw was suguru and he never even fucking BLINKED

getting some mechamaru moments in this episode kinda makes up for the fact that they killed him instantly after getting a new body and a new start

I'm so not ok with them killing Ijichi he was so just not deserving of any of the shit he had to deal with

yuji's plan of just yelling from the rooftops really encompasses how many (2) braincells he has

not everyone wanting yuji dead so they come up with a fucking game to decide who gets to kill him

MIMIKO AND NANAKO TRYING TO REASON WITH KENJAKU IM SOBBING MY EYES OUT RN

episode 35: Seance

there was a whole 180 here like I kind of lost track of things but the fights were hella cool

megumi and yuji fighting together is always one of my favorite things bc yuji does stupid shit and megumis like ARE YOU OK and yujis like nah dw I'm fine it's js a scratch

also did that bitch js say toji zenin.

that mf is NOT coming back so fucking help me god

episode 36: Dull Knife

(this one's commentary is liveblog/livetweet style)

yippee one veil has been released!

ain't no way TOJI OF ALL PEOPLE is back to be a problem

oh fuck what's wrong with ino wait he's not dead but he's not like alive

megumi "if you die ill kill you" fushiguro >>>>

I might be in love with nobara she's so fucking cool

SO HELP ME GOD IF THEY KILL NITTA IM NEVER FINISHING THIS SHOW

this fight is hard to watch thank god nanamis here bc this needs to end RN

THE TIE IS OFF LETS GOOOO NANAMIS SO SICK OF EVERYONES BULLSHIT

mappa went overboard with the shading on man's facial expression

NANAMI THE MAN THAT YOU ARE YOU JUST TOOK THAT MF OUT WITH NO EFFORT AT ALL

we gonna get Mei Mei vs Kenjaku????

YO SHE JS BROKE OUT OF THE DOMAIN FUCK YEAH

what what wait ijichis not dead YESSSSS

oh shit oh shit it's yuji vs choso

[desiredcrescent]

So ya like BG3 Characters?

I got encouragement from one (1) person and im ill with oc thoughts so here we go ✨ Maybe more characters to come but we're dealing bg3 here!

Always open to discuss characters with others, receive asks and the like! I just get very distracted so it might take me a few days to get to you 😅

have some memes before walls of text ✨

Farryn, Tiefling Wild Magic Sorcerer (25 years old)

If you think there's a favourite here on the blog ur right. this is my babyboy. He occupies my brain most of the time. First bg3 tav realness. (the art is by my lovely partner bwee)

- Romancing Astarion and Halsin

- Besties with Karlach

- Dancing around emotions with Wyll (The potential that larian purposefully stood in the way of actually makes me ill fr,,,, why did i not get the dance scene besties.... what did i do wrong...)

~~~

- Glass cannon who's willing to push himself to the limit (magical fatigue themes my beloved) to guarantee his survival. He IS reckless but he will make sure everyone gets out alive.

- He's a city boy stumbling around out here, Perishing at the rough and tumble camp life but he is also in awe of the natural world.

- He mostly acts with self preservation in mind, leading to him being largely non-combatitive whenever possible, or at worst making bold but necessary sacrifices for his and his companions' safety.

- Hates the idea of gods being these fonts of absolute rules and fate being prewritten. Hated everyone being on their god related bullshit.

- He will claim to be a hater!!! he is lying with his 20 CHA score!!! he is in fact a lover at his core. He has so much love for his companions and the world around him despite how it's treated him.

- he's kinda vain in that rich kid way, he has an appreciation for dance and fashion, definitely has standards when it comes to meals eaten too.

~~~

Farryn is the 3rd child to an influential Baldur's Gate family. He was raised in complete secrecy from the prying eyes of the Baldur's Gate elite due to him being born a tiefling. It'd simply ruin his family's image. His family were deeply devoted to the God of Fate, Savras, and in turn all were either skilled diviners, or various clerics in His service.

When he turned 11, he awoke to his magic in a display of chaos, and gifted the slight gift of being able to take control of the wheels of fate. His family then suddenly doted on him, believing him to be the potential chosen of Savras, and this being a blessing for new followers. Their dedication and warped ideas of Farryn lead them to trying to canonize him as some sort of figurehead on the day of his 14th Birthday. After the failure, they bide their time until Farryn's 21st, to try again. But this time he ran, and has been since trying to live in a world where he never truly existed.

~~~

Daeris Cylian, Half-Drow PalaBard, Oath of Vengeance/College of Swords (57~ Years old)

So he was conceptulised as: how fucked up would it be to play a dark urge paladin who fights so hard to keep his oath and yeah. answer is pretty fucked.

- Romancing: Undecided! the allure of Wyll romance is true,,,

- Besties with: Lae'zel, he likes her forwardness and devotion.

- He's not taken his bard levels yet but we're getting there guys. Fic incoming.

- Resisting the Urge (i might be splitting saves to have him break beneath the urge but shh not rn)

~~~

- Soft spoken and gentle mannered, until he's on the battlefield.

- Being a durge he's perhaps a bit too comfortable being covered in blood

- His two instincts being 'kill' and 'be killed for the cause' creates a guy fr.

- He'll never wield a shield, but he'll put himself on the front lines to take the hardest hits. He believes that if he gets hit, its one hit that hasn't landed on someone else.

- He tries to see the best in people, but the second they're responsible for another's suffering?? thin ice.

- Hot. He's hot.

- He plays the lute and violin but he doesn't know that. (calloused hands perhaps better suited to the delicate playing of an instrument, rather than the brutal grip of a heavy weapon)

- Martyr complex off the CHARTS. He will throw himself into every situation possible with little to no regard for his safety. He'll always take the opportunity to suffer in place of someone else.

- an "I'd die for you" kinda guy if that wasn't super clear.

~~~

Daeris awoke on the Nautiloid with the prayers of Ilmater rattling in his head before even his own name. He fought through the nautiloid, horrified at what was going on but unable to save anyone else or lessen the pains they were experiencing. As he awoke on the beach in the wreckage, he swore an oath of vengeance for those who perished on the nautiloid, to hunt down those responsible for... well everything.

Being quick to dedicate himself to Ilmater, he remembers pretty much the core beliefs, about shouldering the suffering of others and acting as selflessly as possible.

~~~

Cress, Tiefling Circle of Spores Druid/Gloomstalker Ranger (20 something, they never really kept track)

- Romancing: No one yet but they have eyes for Karlach

- Best friends with: Lae'zel and Wyll

- Not sure the split on Ranger/Druid levels just yet, I'm not a min-maxer with this stuff and its mostly based on vibes.

~~~

- Happy-go-lucky to a fault! They're so energetic and trusting but this comes with its issues.

- They're SUPER trusting of their 'guardian' and are grateful for some direction.

- Due to their mostly spore-based connections with the Myconids, Cress doesn't love talking. Their voice is often hoarse from disuse, and they definitely prefer any psychic or magical means of communication.

- They're in LOVE with the flora of the surface, they have no idea how to garden but they're so happy to learn.

- They're a psychical touch kinda person, purely because of the lack of it they had growing up.

- If we got one guy who hates gods (Farryn) and a guy who's whole thing is abt his relationship to a god (Daeris), Cress is the guy who simply is a bit clueless on the gods. They live under a rock in those terms. They've read books on some gods but that's probably as far as they've gotten.

- They literally want everyone to like them sooo much.

~~~

Cress is a tiefling who, after being abandoned by their parents at a young age, found themselves scared and alone in the Underdark.

They were just a child stumbling around, and happened upon the Myconid Colonies. Being a child who didn't particularly understand, they just saught shelter and community. And the Myconids offered them this, wearily at first, but as soon as it was clear this child wasn't really going to mean them harm, it was an easy enough transition. Being raised by Myconids was a strange one, perhaps distant in a way but Cress only yearned for acceptance, which they offered freely.

As they grew older, they conversed with outsiders and assisted adventurers and acted as the go to for vibe checking those who wished to temporarily stay in the Myconids' company. They also became an expert navigator for lost adventurers, only asking for seemingly meaningless trinkets from the surface. On one such trip up to the surface, they found themselves snatched up by a nautiloid, and the adventure begins from here.

~~~

Honourary mention to my bastard (affectionate) Serene- I'm just eepy otherwise I'd do a full breakdown.

He's a Knowledge domain cleric to Mystra because i want to menace Gale personally. He's in my co-op game with my lovely partner and between the two of us we've made our tavs the good ol Excited Labrador and Black Cat friendship. Serene is relatively fearless which doubles up as his greatest flaw. idiot for the sake of research and curiosity. the weird hateful yaoi they could have with gale is definitely compelling

~~~

[osaemu]

life update under the cut bc this is a blog and people talk about their lives on their blogs!

omg okay so its only wednesday but I SWEAR ITS BEEN A WEEK SINCE THE WEEKEND. i have a five-slide presentation due at midnight that i havent started ((its 7:30 pm here)) and math homework due tmrw and im procrastinating bc i dont wanna do them 😭😭

ummm i have to make my queue post and then my mutuals post sometime soon. maybe ill do a selfship one too when my comms are done!! comms meaning art comms from other people but im writing in exchange so i have to do those too. maybe ill open writing comms for money whenever i set up paypal or something idk

kinda sucks that we finally got topless gojo but not the way we wanted it LMFAO,, sorry gojo nation. i would be devastated but dazai my number one pookie bear had the best day ever today so..... womp womp. also chuuya was so cute n silly in todays episode so i just cant bring myself to be sad rn lol

i think its funny how i stay up until 2 am most nights willingly and i dont drink coffee or energy drinks at all. im just built different!!

oohhhh i wanna talk about my irl friends rn. so irl whose codename is gonna be link on here is super cute n silly, she also writes fanfic but not nearly as often as i do. shes an ao3 girlie and shes super into zelda and thinks i write too much lmao which is probably true.

codename elsa is literally gorgeous. perfect breathtaking amazing in every way possible. shes a year older than me and i love her sm!! she thinks dazais very skinny which is true but...... hes my bf (real) (not clickbait)

codename jeanmarco is three years older than me and goes to berkeley :D theyre super fun to talk to and i cant wait for them to come back n visit!! i told them about the bsd and jjk updates today (theyre mostly involved in the aot fandom) and they said they were happy dazai survived bc otherwise i wouldve gone insane :3

honorable mentions: codename cat who got me into jjk (my old crush) left me on delivered for a whole month LMFAO, if it was anyone else they would be blocked but he leaves everyone on delivered so. im trying not to take it personally bc hes sweet but very bad at person-ing edit: he liked my spam post right after i posted this wow i manifested that so hard yall

also codename partay! keeps saying that if i were an animal id be a cat. idk why, i was whistling the other day bc i love whistling and she was like "hannah if you were an animal you'd be a cat".

EVERYONE ON MY SPAM TODAY SAID I LOOKED LIKE RAISIN BREAD TODAY. HOW DO I LOOK LIKE RAISIN BREAD.

anyways thanks for reading my life update ima do these more often now lmao!

[unlimitedhorsepower]

i mainly blog about media interests i have but i actually care a lot about politics and yknow common human decency. i own two cats, and i owned my late finnhorse mare for over a decade. i miss her and still love horses a lot.

i allegedly study cultural anthropology at an university and used to study equine masseusing and art. however im kinda just surviving on disability pension rn. feel free to ask about anything else, i love talking!

right now ive dedicated this blog to t&b ryan goldsmith for funsies but i like various things. more than you could imagine

queue posts once per day and i basically only queue things unless im actively making new posts

i make a bunch of posts that i dont tag at all. good luck finding them bc i sure fucking cant find them. some posts i just end up deleting anyways

i rarely go into any tags bc i have brain fungus but if you wanted to show me a post by sending it to me i would probably love to see it!

i dont usually follow back bc of the aforementioned brain fungus and instead skim through the latest things on the blogs of ppl interacting with me (if you wonder why i reblogged something from you randomly)

even if i dont reply in the case i get really busy irl etc, i still always read everything sent to me, every single reply, tag and ask!

my art tag: #gabriels doodles

wildly varying quality/effort

i do take requests if you want to try your luck in my ask box

my art-only blog, where i only reblog finished-enough art (im so slow at writing captions ill put my art on here one day for real): @limitedhorsepower​

other miscellanous tags & fun facts about me:

#ryanyurikeith

the sun, the sky and the moon with extremely congruent life issues... its so deep and their themes go perfectly together

#gabriels ouroboros kings

barnaby & ryan & keith (side platter of ryan/keith)  

the sternbild royalty (king of heroes x2 and the wandering gravity prince) as antagonists.

theyre all part of ouroboros for different reasons, but more loyal to each other than the organization for various reasons

#gabriels salaryman heroes

ryan/yuri/keith mainly, self-indulgent joke about high school romance tropes in an office building 

more fun facts about me:

as you can see i have a few different T&B AUs that i may post about or just totally forget and never make content for again despite them being perfectly mapped out in my mind but i love to share facts about them

if you ever interact with me here and thought that my answer didnt make sense, it was probably just that my brain (ADHD&co.) actively works against me and i may make really bad typos or straightup forget to type half of the words in a sentence. but hey. i did my best. never be afraid to ask for a clarification though

i also genuinely suffer from being overtly verbose (again... my brain...) and please dont feel pressured to read something if i sent you an extremely long DM reply or made a really long-winded reblog or something. i just communicate like that but i dont mind if you cant read it LMFAO.

my long sentences makes me seem really serious sometimes even when im not but im very friendly i promise!

and let me know if my typing is hard to read, i can switch to proper capitalization and punctuation if needed

[doxiedreg]

So life update: I am slowly getting better though im still very tired and am also rn having a random anxiety attack because my body loves to bestow those on me where i am randomly anxious and stressed with no clear cause. BUt! At least I am cooking dinner again. Also lemon finally had (part of) her babies!!! Yesterday I suddenly spotted a bunch of dead fry on the gravel (likely stillborn) that the other fish were very excited about but I also saw at least 2 live fry resting on the plants! I have also spotted one today but I am not sure if any will survive to adulthood. Lemon still has a bit of a pink mass inside her rn so i dont think she is entirely done yet. Orange is also a lil bloated still but that might be because she is hogging all the food as her poop looks normal. I think ill do a general cure just to be safe once im able to catch all my assasin snails and put them in a seperate (temporary) plastic tank i have that also hold a lot of pest snails since snails are more sensitive to the general cure medication. shrimp should be fine according to the packaging. So yeah I hope this nightmare will soon be over and I can go back to doing art. I really want to get back into it but I dont feel quite ready yet which sucks because its the primary/best way for me to keep my anxiety and stress in check. So yeah, thats what is up with me rn. I miss my blorbos so much augh. Maybe send me some character asks or even asks about me or my art? Need to keep my brain occupied somehow and reading, gaming and youtube videos arent really cutting it rn. Might try watching another movie but thats also hard for my brain to push myself to. Sorry for rambling, tl;dr: Im doing slightly better but im anxious and bored out of my mind. Please send asks, it would be very appreciated. Also lemon finally popped out some babies after being overdue for half a month.

[coccyodynia]

things:

four years and a few days ago, i entered treatment for dual diagnosis care to treat my mental health and drug use

for about 4 straight years before that, i’m not sure i was sober for more than an hour at a time

i was really heavily using benzos and always mixing them with an extreme amount of alcohol

frequently confused as to who i was then, how people perceived me, and how i’m still alive

i’m extremely grateful i went to treatment, because if i hadn’t had some kind of intervention, i dont think i would have survived another year like that

i still really really struggle with relapses

and in the last two years i’m not sure i’ve managed to have a clean streak longer than 3 months

but i am trying

my drug abuse ended up being the last straw for some important people in my life, who would eventually leave my life bc of it

anyway moving on to other topics

i finally saw justin this week, for the first time in three months

it’s been a pretty weird 3 month period of not really knowing where we stood bc i couldn’t keep my feelings to myself, and he needed a break from that i guess

i understand it will never again be like it was when we first started talking

and tbh that really kills me, but i’m very grateful he’s a part of my life still, in some way

the connection was immediately really strong from the start and i really credit him with helping me a lot

he was probably the first person to verbalize “i’m here for you”, and actually follow through with that sentiment

meeting him almost exactly one year after reid left my life is probably worth mentioning here but whatever

ive finally been able to start seeing my therapist again, and i meet with her monday

right now she can only schedule me every other week, which is a really hard adjustment for me to make tbh

since october of 2019 i probably have had therapy at least once a week

im really struggling with staying sane bc my job has become an incredibly stressful place for me, which didn’t used to be the case

like work has always had some level of stress, sure, but this last month or so, i have been getting physically sick from the stress, crying at my desk every day, etc

but on the other hand, i’m also having these really meaningful yet overwhelming moments of gratitude for being where i’m at

like yeah nothing is perfect or even close, but i have created a life for myself that works most of the time

im finally experiencing a level of safety and security that i have honest to god never felt before, and i did not even know that it could improve this much

growing up i didnt have any sense of safety or security at all, which i didn’t realize until very recently

in the last year or so working with nicole (my therapist), i have finally learned that the things i was subjected to as a child were not normal, and that it was traumatic

about 6 months or so ago (possibly less), i learned i have complex post traumatic stress disorder

i had pretty much known for over a decade that i was borderline, before i was officially diagnosed

but i didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that i could be experiencing CPTSD, so when my therapist gently told me i was, my world view realllyyyyy started to shatter and shift

it has been very very difficult to come to terms with tbh

anyways i really miss writing and photographing and making art so i hope to return to that soon

i’m at work rn and i should probably start doing my job before the bosses get here so ta-ta for now thanks for reading this insane post

[heylinfanclub]

I so often just focus on the concrete reality I forget to give examples. I say I can’t get a job and I probably won’t and people might assume I didn’t try. But I did. Tried out for every job I was passionate for. Tried to work myself. Tried. I did. But it didn’t work, it didn’t STICK, nobody calls back, I’m always doing something WRONG. And the other options are not options to me. So I’m not. Going. To do it. I would rather die. But that shouldn’t be the only option for someone who doesn’t want to be a fuckin industrial sheep-dog. I am supported rn and that’s a fuckin privilege. But. Idk. If they’d like supporting me so much knowing I just. Cant get a job man. I just can’t. I’m looking into disability. Hell I’m even considering some kind of ‘can I have a caretaker come over for a few hours a week or something please I genuinely cannot DAILY achieve goals without a persistent human reminder, I’m lucky if i manage WEEKLY achieve goals.’

And then again I need examples I can say these things but I need examples. Like yes I do write and I do art and I go to my appointments and I buy groceries and I go to the bathroom. I don’t shower or brush my teeth or eat or cook or go out or schedule time for LIFE? I DONT PLAN EVENTS. I DONT TAKE VACATIONS. I DONT GO ON GRAND ADVENTURES. I FUCKING WANT TO SO BADLY BUT WHO DO I GO WITH? I CANT GO ALONE BUT I CANT ASK... I need a ride places I need someone to talk to people for me sometimes it’s fucking embarrassing but I want a professional who’s god damn payed to be professional about it and help me LEARN THE ROPES I DIDNT GET TO LEARN EVER. IM NOT CONSISTENT IN ACHIEVING MY LIFE GOALS (and I barely hAve any) AND IT SUCKS. ougHhHggh.

I can do all these things sometimes hell I hAD A JOB FOR FOUR YEARS I HAVE A DEGREE but I’m perpetually stuck in burnout due to both reality and PROBABLY THINGS I DONT RECOGNIZE ARE MESSING WITH ME CAUSE I AM TOO FRAZZLED TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING and it’s so depressing awful UGH.

The light in my life rn being the few people who reach out and ask to do things with me, or people I have just been consistently doing things with. This might be. The autism. I just need. EITHER ROUTINE SOCIALIZING or a SOCIALIZING AROUND A SPECIFIC THING.

but fucking???? Interviews????? NO!!! I WANT SOMEONE TO BE ASKING FOR EMPLOYEES AND THE. JUST TAKE WHOEVER ARRIVES. FUCK. I DONT WANT TO SELL MYSELF LIKE A FUCKING CABBAGE. ADVERTISING??? NETWORKING???? 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 GIVE ME THE FUCKING JOB OR ILL DISSECT MYSELF LIVE IN THE LOBBY

I will be 100% real. The concept of a Needing a Job has made me existentially insane. I think I have fucking cracked. Any time someone brings it up I am pushed to the BRINK. I want to lay down scream and cry and maybe puke. Like. It triggers me SO HARD any time it’s brought up. I don’t know. How I am going. To survive. Capitalism. With these FUCKING feelings. Uughhhhh headache.

[eevyerndracaneon]

Hey, I don't mean to intrude or anything, being a stranger on the internet and all. Don't feel the need to answer this ask or anything but, I just hope you can hear me out and maybe something I say can help a bit... I've seen some of your posts today, I'm sorry you're going through the ringer. I've got a good couple of friends who deal with the very similar struggles and whatnot, so I just wanted to say pretty much what I always tell them regarding some of what you're feeling. I dunno your specific situation, and I know a lot of things are way more difficult to just outright fix than some people will say it is, so I'll keep this more general. And some of what I will say you might already know, but I feel they bear repeating. First off, your worth as a person is not tied to your ability to make money, or work a job or anything like that. You are a person, and that makes you valuable. No person or thing can ever take that from you. Second, never feel bad about wanting to interact with your friends and loved ones. Even if you're in a bad mood, I'm sure they'd love to spend time with you. Social needs are just as important as any other need, so do not feel guilty of them, and don't hole yourself up if that's not what you need right now. A friend of mine (and I do also to an extent) does this all the time and after they always reflect that it only hurt them.

Third, I'm sorry about whatever issues you're dealing with, with family or otherwise, I know how difficult that can be. There are no easy solutions, but, like, you just gotta keep carrying on, you know? Even if there's no option out today, there might be one down the road. On a lighter note, I think your art style is charming! I think you could get some commission work if that's something you wanted to do, it's less on your skill and more on confidence and a bit of luck, I think. Even if today sucks, it doesn't define you tomorrow and not all days will be like this. None of what you're going through defines you or your worth as a person. You've got this, and your friends and loved ones have your back. Keep on being you, A concerned stranger

ah right i did vent really hard on here huh, thanks for sending this out-

i've been vague overall with my posts bc im just going thru it today so some of what you've said doesn't apply but i can't fault you for it, since i didn't rly explain anything

i've tried for a few years now to have art as a job that i could maybe help pay for rent with if i ever moved out, but i just didn't get enough comms to even get to that point. u-u i'd LOVE to just draw for money but it just didn't rly work out the way i expected. maybe i'll give it another shot, i dunno (I'd have to increase my prices again for 2023....)

the house i live in rn is the one belonging to my partner's family. so i live with my partner. my boyfriend is long distance (i'm polyam if that hasn't come across with some of my posts) and i desperately wish i could live with him as well. my partner's family is amiable, but not exactly super friendly or welcoming. especially not if i was openly trans. (they have a trans daughter but refuse to treat her with respect so she cut herself out of their life years ago) my life is kinda trapped in my partner's room, in a corner, so i really don't feel like i have a home. it sucks, but at least im surviving and have a roof over my head and food to eat and warmth in the cold and cool in the heat.

you're completely right on the social front. i think a lot of us forget this. my boyfriend and a friend of mine both reached out to me an hour or so ago bc they were worried abt how i wasnt around like, at all, and i basically got the same thing from them. "its okay to be around, we can try cheering you up"

and finally the big one. i understand capitalism is trash for making us all think we need to make money to deserve life. i hate that i need to make money to be able to live on my own. luckily im not sitting here thinking im worthless solely bc i cant get a job or make money. but i need money to get a place to live in on my own, apartments need rent, houses need mortgage payments, and then food and bills and all that crap. i need a job for that to get pulled off. and i've been trying to get a job! i've been applying to places since the beginning of december! but no place has accepted me. i've gotten like three interviews. nothing else. its just really infuriating. all of my friends, even my boyfriend, are getting new opportunities, new places to live, new goals new motivations new everything. and im just kinda stuck.

today was really hard. all of these feelings welled up over the past half a year and i think just finally crushed me into the dirt today.

so its just kind of a sad day. im doing what i can now to make it better even if only by a little bit. but oof.

thank you anon for popping in and checking up on me, it means a lot <3

[mustarrd]

i hope.

i hope to wake up.

in general and,

in a warm embrace.

whether it is from a person,

the coddling morning air,

or my own self.

i simply hope.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

vent post, .. putting it under readmore cus its long.

sooo yeah, basically, idk waht to do with my life, and i feel like a burden in the sense that i cant provide for myself rn. i never talk about my living situation but i am almost 29 yrs old, unemployed and having to be supported by my friends cus my family is too poor to help me in any way. like i have to live with my friend’s parents which somehow feels even more pathetic than living w my own parents.. i mean ofc i am very grateful to them for helping me but the guilt racks up more n more each day. when i was 14 my mom told me, ok you’re old enough to work now so you have to get a job if you want literally anything for yourself that isn’t the bare essentials. u want anything other than canned soup for dinner? thats on u. so i got a job, at 14!!! i think back now and im like what the fuck. i was a child... but alas. i worked and worked, i was almost never unemployed my whole life after age 14, except for during 2020 pandemic, and these past few months.

work, work, work, i worked so many piece of shit jobs, i never went to school or anything, there were a few good jobs here n there but they’d always end up getting sabotaged by one of my bipolar episodes. a lot of times, when i was rly desperate, i wld resort to escorting, which i just fucking hated and have been put in a lot of compromising situations and ugh. yeah, what im GETTING at is, ive literally never had security in my life, ive never had resources, the past 15 or so years have been lived in survival mode, and 6 months ago i finally fucking crashed and burned. like, no, i fucking refuse to work anymore, im suicidal all the time, ive never been able to heal from anything that’s happend to me, i dont care if i die broke and alone, i just cant work these demeaning ass jobs anymore. im very grateful to my friedns who have been helping me not die since then, i try rly hard to live frugally, i only eat what i rly need, rarely treat myslef, etc etc.

but now its like, where do i go from here? i know i need to start thinking about generating income again and it makes me so fucking sick. all i can rly do is commissions, but i hate putting a price on art, its only fun to me when im doing it for free. i dont want it to stop being fun. i dont want it to be about money. im scared to try i guess. i definitely dont want to work another stupid job but i also just sit in the house all day and it feels unhealthy. i dont want to meet people, i dont want coworkers, hate putting myself out there cus i cant relate to anyone. hate watching them in real time slowly realize that theres something seriously wrong with me, its embarrassing. i just need something to do.. i dont have a car or anything, i dont even know how to drive because i always figured id be too poor to afford a car. and so far ive been correct about that.

i guess this post is pretty embarrassing too but oh well.. i figure at least on here some ppl can relate.. like fuck i cant even get a therapist to respond to me. everyone just keeps begging me to get therapy as if it will save me. im really lonely w all my feelings and memories. i feel like im in purgatory and all i can do is keep drawing pictures for ppl to enjoy and trying to post things that are uplifting so i can at least make someone elses day a little brighter. but i wish i had a plan or an answer or a real goal. i reallty really really want to be nothing.

[nako-doodles]

i need your thesis on all the songs in the album i'm being so serious rn 😭 i'll rb it once a day for months and months don't deprive me like this of things i didn't even know i needed

ioaefjerjgioajo ill try my best aiofjoerjgiojao i was so annoying to my friends over my first impressions over all the songs so im gonna try my best to summarize my thoughts on these songs

joonie said this entire album was a recollection of everything hes done in his 20s aka the transformative years of his life and you can ABSOLUTELY hear the member influences (at first i heard the sope influences bc they have the biggest body of work so their style is most distinct but upon relistens its really a love album to his younger self (you can really tell its an evolution from rm and mono) and his members. ALSO i love how he modulates and changes his style and timbre to fit the style and quirks of his featuring artist? hes so fucking cool????? oh my GOD?????? anyways heres the impressions by song:

track one: yun ft. erykah badu very hot of him to start the entire album w 'FUCK THE TRENDSETTERS' the bassline the restraint of a laidback soundscape the reverb set to max the lines 'I wanna be a human / ‘Fore I do some art / It’s a cruel world / But there’s gon’ be my part' is so fucking insane? fuck. this song lyrically is all about uncertainty and the soundscape has a lot of space for growth and white space for art to be exhibited dare i say, its like the debut group's first stage? full of promises and expectations and uncertainty, but you march ahead regardless......what a sexy first song on the track track two: still life ft. anderson paak

BRING IN THE FUNK HELLS YEA VHOPE IS VIBING SO HARD RN I JUST KNOW IT now the empty space and reverb bassline is given some direction and happiness here. still life is a form of art and thus begins rm's first piece of art here in his lil art collection and joon accepting that things will come as they are and ppl will try to reduce him down to one thing, but hes still a fully realized human moving forwards like us all

track three: all day ft. tablo

ok this bassline and instrumental SCREAMS yoongi to me. the lil kick between verses the beats w the bassline the high melody line the bridge that sick transition from verse to chorus like no wonder tablo is here. i know yoongi draws lots of inspiration from epik high so it makes sense. sonically speaking this song takes the funky sounds of the previous track and condenses it and brings a hint of melancholy just in time for our next track. speaking on less fun notes, tablo is really the only other person who survived such vicious tonguelashing and emerged more powerful and a better person and im just glad joonie has someone to look up to.

track four: forgetful ft. kim sawol oh our queen of folk here to deliver some nice kindie chill vibes thank you i need it for our coming song mwah. here we slowly start to hear the funky bright poppy merge to a chill sound this song was for tae i just know it!!! sonically theres some fun stuff going on but it feels like a cooldown piece for the rest of the album. joonie really said i can pull off ALLLLLLLL genres.

track five: closer ft. paul blanco mahalia

the rnb influences the syncopation the pop beats i bet jk is having the time of his life singing to the chorus. the guitar and the beat and the piano makes me an immediate fan. also they modulated the message beep to be in the same key??? as the song?????? AND it gives us a diving board into the electronica of the next song and then the sound expands when joonie comes in???? i love it.

track six: change pt. 2

OOF KIM NAMJOON DID SUM NASTY WORK ON THIS SONG ITS SO GOOD ok ok ok so this sudden electronica synthpop isnt jarring bc joonie did a fantastic job ordering this album BUT you know whats the fucking kicker???? the way he arranged this song. on paper this song should NOT fucking work but it does bc they used the same chord from the synths as the piano that comes in later even tho it turns to double time half way thru the song and it would be amazing at there BUT(dont quote me on this) change and change pt 2 are either in the same key or are on relative keys AND if you listen to change ft wale which starts on the piano and goes to electronica, he does the exact opposite here???? fuck and the lyrics mirror each other as well????? fuckK

track seven: lonely

this is the love song to mono the reverb on that guitar the upbeat melancholy the tokyo forever rain vibes are THERE BUTTTTT hes added more complex transitions and layering? like even in this short amount of time hes grown exponentially fuck kim namjoon ur so sexy track eight: hectic ft colde

THIS IS THE HOBI SONG OF THE ALBUM YES KING GIVE ME THAT BOUNCY BASS AND HIGH AIRY SYNTH CITYPOP VIBES YES KING i NEEDD someone to give me a just dance x seesaw x hectic remix asap it would sound SO good. also as someone who listens to a lot of colde/offonoff, this collab is SO FUCKING good bc you can hear coldes influences as well? its so good my god the sax the lil touches the production FUCK. ANNNDDDDD they switched to double time again for this outro so the next song doesnt come in too jarring??? mr kim how did you fit so many genres into this album and yet they all belong together????? im in so much fucking awe man!!!!!

track nine: wildflower ft. youjeen

ive told you pretty much everything i wanted but fuck the production on this song is just so fucking good. the details. the expert control of the soundscape. the arrangement. i cant wait to hear vocal line sing youjeen's lines. i also love that he put his title song at the end bc hes at the end of his 20s. this is him currently. hes still growing and growing roots and stretching to the sun fuck man i cant believe this song took over my most played joonie song forever rain in a week.

track ten: no 2 ft. park jiyoon

and here we are returned to the starting spot but slightly to the left, like when you've walked thru the museum exhibition and am spat out the exit right where you started, but w the new insights and experiences that the you from an hour ago didnt have. joonie is a masterful curator and this song ouroboroses us right back to listen to this album again. the tongue in cheek of ending w 'no looking back' when im ready to replay this album again like you literally inviting me to replay this album youve made it a point to end like this?????? lmfao kim namjoon who do you take me for hmmm?????

if youve made it to the end here i love you nothing makes sense anymore i only know that i love kim namjoon and that ive had this album on loop and i STILL hear new things in it i have no words for how much respect and awe and love i have for this man. and when he said 'fuck the trendsetters' he really did it. he dabbled in ALL of the most popular sounds and genres you hear in the music industry, pulled it off w aplomb, and moved on. anyways i love kim namjoon.