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heesdreamer · 2 years ago

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YOUVE MADE ME

PAIRING ➩ heeseung x reader

SUMMARY ➩ sequel to YOU MAKE ME (could maybe be read as a stand alone but i don’t recommend it)

WARNINGS ➩ this is straight up full on porn.. i don’t often write full smut but! heeseung is very obsessed w reader in an unhealthy way and he has a pain kink, rough sex but it’s consensual and wanted from both parties

WC ➩ 6k

AUTHORS NOTE ➩ okay the point i made abt being anti part 2 comment still stands lol it just so happened im obsessed with this universe and these characters and i personally wanted smut for them so you guys get it as well lol! not proof read and i don’t rlly write smut much so idk if it’s any good lol but it’s 8am so i dont rlly care

“Are you sure she’s not going to care?” You were standing on a cracked cement porch, anxiously tugging on your bunny ears and hiding behind Heeseung’s tall frame as he messed with the lock on the door.

“Of course she won’t, she loves you.” He was shaking his head and trying to reassure you, swearing under his breath as he shook the handle with frustration.

He was referring to his grandmother that he lived with, a small frail woman who offered you kind smiles and slightly stale baked goods anytime her grandson brought you over for dinner or a sleepover.

She made the two of you sleep in the living room most the time, originally saying you had to sleep out there alone but eventually caving in when Heeseung really stressed the importance of sleeping beside you. You’d smiled softly when she had nudged you and called him clingy, knowing she didn’t even understand half of it.

You didn’t mind how clingy he was with you, always following close behind you throughout the school halls and draping himself onto your side in the library.

Heeseung had never been shy in his obsession with you, sometimes muttering things to you late in the night that caused a shiver to roll up your spine.

“Besides,” He was letting out a grunt as he finally managed to unstick the lock and shove forward into the old door with his shoulder. It flew open and he stumbled forward a bit before turning around to face you with a smile. “She won’t even know you were here.”

You frowned softly as you looked at his handsome face, adorned with two new piercings that weren’t there when you’d met him and a decorative black eye. He’d kissed you deeply when you first saw him with it, whispering into your mouth and requesting you didn’t ask him what happened.

You didn’t, because you rarely ever did, and simply kissed him back. The two of you carried a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ state of mind most of the time and it made things simple despite sometimes unnerving you with how little you still knew about him.

“Breaking in while she’s on vacation, you really are a delinquent.” You were retorting back to him and you took a few steps into the familiar house, not having been inside for a few weeks considering it was summer now and you and Heeseung spent most of your time together around different places, sleeping in his car or getting a cheap motel for the night.

You’d graduated not too long ago and Heeseung had attended the ceremony with a bright grin and a bouquet of flowers, not having gotten enough credits to actually walk himself.

It was easy for you to allow him to become your entire world, that feeling of familiarity and comfort never leaving despite how rocky your situations seemed sometimes. Throughout being low on money and having rough home lives, you never doubted what he felt about you and vice versa.

“You like me like this.” He was smirking down at you and leaning forward so he could close the front door, his arm going over your shoulder and trapping you against the wood for a few seconds. “Makes me interesting.”

“You’re interesting anyways.” You were frowning up at him, your hands coming up to hold his neck a few inches below his jaw and pull him down a bit so you could kiss him softly.

He was humming against your lips and immediately pushing himself forward so he could be pressed ontop of you, his hip coming up to your stomach due to the height difference. You could feel the bone and the thick metal of his belt pressing into your stomach uncomfortably and you shifted underneath him at the feeling.

“Does it hurt?” He was pulling back to whisper into your mouth when he noticed your movements and you nodded softly, wincing a bit at the feeling.

Heeseung was pausing for a few seconds before he was pressing himself harder against you, the studded spikes going deeper into your skin and you let out a small hiss into his open lips. He was kissing you again before pulling his hips back to avoid actually hurting you.

You’d realized pretty quickly that Heeseung had a particular taste when it came to pain, first noticing it in small things like the way he would bite down on your lip during heavy make out sessions. Then it transitioned to his breath hitching every time you’d pinch his arm for annoying you while you did homework, his habit of pushing you against the nearest surface and pinning you there.

The two of you had been taking it relatively slow, never surpassing long kissing sessions accompanied by rare heavy petting but he drove you crazy almost every time you were around him.

He’d get this certain look in his eye sometimes and your stomach would light up with want, taking in his large frame and the way he obsessed over you like you were the only thing he truly cared about. Sometimes you thought that you might be, as toxic as it sounds, Heeseung never applied any effort to anything or anybody outside of you.

“Tell me if it hurts.” He was whispering again and then kissing you before you could say anything, his hands going down to your hips to pull you tight against him at the same time he pressed his waist back into yours. You felt the sharp ends of the studs again and you gasped softly into his mouth.

“It hurts.” You whined and he let out a small hum, titling his head so the kiss kept getting deeper and messier every second. You could feel his tongue licking into your mouth and you stood on your tip toes so he could have better access.

“I bet it does.” He was retorting after a few seconds, his voice low and raspy now that he was out of breath and you felt your knees weaken when he was rolling his hips down into yours. The pleasure of feeling him against you was immediately followed by the pain of his belt. “You like it though, don’t you?”

He was asking but it wasn’t an actual question, already knowing the answer judging by the way you let out a small cry and wrapped your arms around his neck to keep yourself standing.

His big hands were leaving your hips, sliding down to hook under you thighs and you felt him lift one of your legs so it was wrapped around his waist. You whined again and he smiled darkly at the sound, glancing up at you before going back down to where your hips where fully meeting now.

After a few seconds of seeing if you were comfortable, he was rolling his lower half into yours again with more contact now that your legs were more spread. He was hard and pressing harshly against you, his cock tight in his ripped jeans and you let out a cry while gripping his neck tighter.

“Tell me you like it when it hurts.” He was demanding in a low voice, leaning forward to kiss your jaw softly and pet your hair back out of your face more. He gave you a look like he was waiting for permission for something and you nodded your head, melting at the smile he gave you when he slowly took off your favorite hat.

You didn’t say anything for a few beats, just letting out soft cries at the feeling of him practically dry humping into you against the door. You only managed to speak again when he was thrusting particularly hard and the spikes caught roughly on your skin.

“I like it.” You gasped out and ducked your face down into his neck, wrapping your leg tighter around his middle so he could have even more access to your aching core. “Fuck Hee, I like it.”

“I know baby.” He was quickly responding and you felt flushed at how calm he was managing to sound, meanwhile you don’t think you’d be able to stand on your own if he were to let you go. You tugged on his hair softly so he would move his head back to look at you and he paused for a second before doing so, watching you intensely.

You were leaning in to kiss him again, sloppy in your movements and you could feel spit running down your chin from the way you were trying to suck his tongue deep into your throat. He was groaning now finally and you felt a wave of pride at the fact you were affecting him too.

More than you realized, considering the squeal of surprise that was slipping from your mouth when he was reaching down to aggressively hoist your other leg up so you were completely being held up against him. You could feel how hard he was in his jeans, pressed into your middle as he stepped away from the door and swiftly carried you towards his bedroom.

You let out a small giggle when he was casually tossing you onto the mattress, bouncing slightly from the impact. It was immediately disappearing when you saw the look on his face, familiar and dark in a way that made your mouth part.

He was on top of you before you could say anything, kissing you deeply again and you tried to ignore the fact his knee was landing perfectly in between your legs. You were sure that if he moved up a few inches he would be able to feel you throbbing against him, feeling dizzy from how much you wanted him.

“My pretty bunny.” He was practically cooing at you now, resting on his elbows as he kissed down your jaw and neck. The difference between his sweet words and how roughly he handled you was making you head spin, your back arching off the bed so your chest could press against his. “Are you feeling needy baby?”

“Please.” You were whining out and reaching your shaky hands up to his hair, tugging at it and rolling your hips up to connect with his leg slightly. His eyes darkened and you felt one of his hands go back down to your legs, cupping under your knee and pulling you forward so your core was sat against his thigh. “Heeseung please.”

“Stop begging and fuck my leg.” He was cutting you off in your pathetic attempts to get him to touch you, slapping your hand away from where it was continuously pulling at the collar of his hoodie. You could feel your eyes watering from need but you tried to ignore it, rolling your hips like he told you too and letting out a long moan at the feeling of him.

He was watching you with amusement but his eyes kept darkening as you fucked yourself against his clothed thigh, arching your back and panting slightly. He was pressing it uncomfortably hard against you and you could feel him everywhere, so large in the way he was laying on top of you and moving your body around like a puppet.

“Look at my nasty girl.” His voice was low like he didn’t care if you heard him, mainly speaking to himself in an amazed tone at the way you were humping into him dumbly. “Using me to get off like this, my sweet bunny.”

“Hee.” You were crying out to try and get his attention back on you, the stimulation of his leg and voice driving you crazy with the lack of actual touching that was happening. He gave you a soft look like he was pitying you and your desperation, nodding softly and pushing your hair out of your face again before sitting up off your chest.

You watched him as he pulled his hoodie over his head, wearing nothing underneath and you let out another whine as you kept rubbing yourself against him. You’d seen Heeseung shirtless plenty of times, between cuddling with him in the mornings and wrapping his bruised rib cages when he’d come to find you late at night.

It still always made you feel insane, made you feel like the luckiest person on the planet to get to see him like this. He always would say he didn’t deserve you, preaching about how beautiful and otherworldly you are to him but you felt the exact same each and every time you got to see him, especially like this.

He was leaning back down to kiss you again after throwing his hoodie across the room and your arms immediately came up to wrap around him, rubbing your hands up his sides and tightening your hold on his skin until you knew it would leave a mark. You were moaning softly into the kiss and he seemed unsatisfied with the fact you were calming down, dropping off his knees so his hard on was pressed against you instead.

You didn’t process his movement until he was rolling his hips into yours again, pulling out of the kiss to gasp and look down to see where your bodies connected. He was rocking into you slowly and you kept your arms tight around him, digging your nails deep into his skin and drinking in the way he let out choked breaths into your neck.

He sat up again, just slightly this time and you watched him as he aggressively tugged your shirt over your head, nearly tearing it in the process. You felt shy immediately at the sudden air hitting your bare skin but he was stopping in his movements to stare down at you, pushing your hair behind your ear slowly and watching as you took deep breaths that made your chest rise and fall.

“Fuck.” He was eventually breathing out and he sounded completely transfixed, eyes shooting up to yours for a second before immediately going back down. “You’re so perfect.”

“Stop.” You were mumbling under your breath, reaching up to try and pull him back down on to you so you could have a bit more cover. He was shaking his head and furrowing his eyebrows at your insecure tone, although fulfilling your request and laying back on top of you. You gasped slightly at the feeling of his warm skin pressed against yours and he half smiled down at you.

“I mean it. I’d do anything for you.” His tone was serious as he said it and you stared into his eyes. The first few times he’d spoken like this you didn’t take him completely serious, thinking he was just flattering you or saying exaggerated things to try and express how much he cared for you.

You quickly realized that he meant exactly what he said every single time, especially in scenarios where he felt like you needed protection or that somebody had disrespected you in some way. You’d had to pull him out of restaurants for trying to go after men who stared at your ass for too long, whispering calming words in his ear every time he caught sight of your dad from the front window when he dropped you off.

“Anything?” You were whispering up to him, your eyes wide and faking innocence. As quickly as you realized he was serious, you also learned that you liked how he treated you. You liked to see how far he would go if it meant keeping you safe and happy.

“Anything.” He was repeating it firmly and you felt him rock his hips into yours again, your legs instinctively spreading to let him fuck himself into your clothed core as he kept speaking in that low tone. “Nobody could take you away from me, you’re mine now.”

“W-what if they tried?” You were trying to keep yourself collected enough to speak but your head was spinning from the constant feeling of his hard cock pressing into you so harshly. You’d never went this far with him but you thought about it every single time you were with him, just as obsessed with him when it came to touching and being together like this.

“I’d kill them.” He was shaking his head and his eyebrows were furrowing like the ideas was genuinely upsetting him, his hand sliding down to hoist your thigh back up so every thrust was directly hitting your throbbing clit. You let out a loud moan at the feeling and his eyes were shooting back up to yours, more wild now that you were egging him on. “It’s me and you forever, I’ll do everything to keep you with me I don’t care. Nobody can make you feel like I can.”

You couldn’t find the energy to agree with him but you were letting out small gasps of his name and clawing into his back every time he moved forward, one of your hands shakily coming down to tug at his large belt roughly until it caught his attention. His eyes shot down to where you were pulling and that half smirk was back on his face when he looked up again.

“Is that what you want?” His voice was teasing and you felt a dry sob wrack through you at how slow he was taking it, aching to feel him closer. “My baby wants me inside her?”

“Heeseung, please.” You were nearly fully crying now and you continued to tug at his belt in an attempt to undo it, successfully getting it out of the first latch and then whining in frustration when it got stuck on the second peg. He was laughing softly but his hands were smacking yours away as he quickly tugged it off and unbuttoned the top of his jeans. “I need it please, I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?” He retorted back and his voice was mocking this time, clearly referring to the way you had antagonized him a few minutes earlier. Nonetheless he was sitting up off you slightly to tug down your own pants, getting them down under your thighs and watching as you shifted around to finish the rest.

Now that you were both fully undressed you felt a wave of nervousness again, avoiding looking at him but feeling the way his eyes were hungrily scanning up and down your body. The vulnerability of being laid out in front of him strangely made a chill run down your spine and you could feel yourself clenching around nothing, knowing he was only a few inches away from being able to push himself inside you.

He still wasn’t doing anything after a few second and you finally glanced over to him with a pout, impatience coursing through you and your hand came up to rest on his arm and try to tug him back down on top of you.

It didn’t surprise you that he was watching you with an amused look on his face, liking the way you struggled and squirmed around his bed as you body tried to find relief somewhere. His big hands where sliding up your legs to rest against your stomach, pressing down against your rib cage and you sucked in a tight breath at the feeling of him touching you.

“Would you let anybody else touch you like this?” He was asking in that same low tone and you let out another impatient cry, knowing he already knew the answer and just wanted to hear you say it. “Answer me or I’ll get myself off and make you watch.”

His words were making your eyes widen with shock and you met his gaze, seeing how dark and serious they were as he monitored you like he was hunting you. You frowned again and he bit his lip slightly, tugging the metal jewelry that was hugging the skin into his mouth for a few seconds.

“Only you.” You were gasping out and nodding so he understood how much you meant it, his hands instinctively flexing against your middle at your words. “I only want you Hee, I’m yours.”

“Yeah you’re mine.” He was repeating himself again and laying back on top of you so he could pull you in for another rough kiss, his hand cupping your chin to stop you from moving. You let out a moan when you felt him spitting against your tongue, immediately swiping over it with his own and he let out his own groan when you were twisting your head to try and suck it deeper into your throat.

When he shifted again, your entire body arched at the feeling of him pressed directly against your sensitive clit. He chuckled into the kiss before purposely directing his hips into the same position so you could feel it again, gasping into his mouth and slapping his side in warning.

“Be nice.” He was mumbling into your mouth and you frowned when he was kissing you again, ignoring your smack against his skin and rubbing against you more and more until your head was completely spinning. “That’s my good girl.”

“I need you.” You were crying out and he groaned softly at the desperation in your voice, rumbling against your chest as he laid his head into your neck again for a few seconds. You could feel him biting down on your collarbone and a shiver ran through you as you ran your hand through his hair to get his attention back on you.

“You need me?” He was whispering when he picked his head back up, watching you intensely with a slightly wild look in his eye and you knew your words were fueling that obsession he carried in his heart, on the borderline of unhealthy with how eager he was to hear you repeat the words to him. “Tell me you need me again Y/N, tell me you can’t live without me.”

“I can’t.” You were repeating the words multiple times in a dizzy mantra, not thinking clearly considering he was still rutting against you as he spoke calmly and slow. If you didn’t know any better, didn’t see his fucked out expression as he stared down at you, you would’ve thought he was completely unaffected by how steady his tone was compared to yours. “Please Heeseung, I can’t. I’m going to go crazy, I need you so bad.”

He was nodding his head finally, seemingly satisfied with your words and he watched you for a few more seconds before his hand was running back down towards your ribs, passing them and softly caressing over your stomach instead.

A shiver ran through you and you watched his lip curl up at your body’s reaction, stretching underneath his piercing and you looked away quickly, more and more overwhelmed the longer you watched him. His hand was stopping just below your hip and you felt him squeeze the bone tightly, studying your expression for a few breaths before he was dipping down to swiftly kiss you.

“I can prep you.” He was saying into your mouth but the way he trailed off led you to believe he had another idea and you nodded your head eagerly for him to continue, hanging onto his every word. “Or I can just fuck you.”

You breath caught at the direct words, something that would normally make you feel shy if you weren’t completely lust drunk and desperate for him to do whatever he wanted to you. You almost told him that, told him you didn’t care what he did and you allow him complete control over your body, but instead you paused and tried to collect yourself for a few seconds.

“It’ll hurt.” He was saying, noticing you hadn’t gathered your thoughts and he was kissing you deeply again for a few seconds after the statement.

You both knew that wasn’t a dealbreaker at all, if anything the thought excited you more and caused your heart rate to increase. He seemed to know this considering the way his lip curled back into a smirk, your expression at the statement giving you away completely. You were wrapping your hand around his bicep that was still supporting his weight above you, nodding your head swiftly.

“My perfect girl.” He was cooing at you but his tone was almost mean, mocking you as he kissed his teeth suddenly. You glanced down to find the reason for his noise, flushing at the fact he was using his hand to adjust himself so he was lined up with your entrance. “Look at you, clenching around nothing just from looking at my cock.”

You flushed bright red and your eyes were snapping back up to meet his, drinking in how dark they were as he glared down at you. They were softening suddenly and he was kissing you again slowly, his mood changes causing your head to spin as you happily accepted the contact.

You could feel him pressing against you as you kissed, heart racing so hard it almost hurt at the fact you were finally going to have him completely, in all the ways you’d been imagining since you’d met him. Despite how twisted you knew he could be, he was sweet in the way he was caressing your face as he started to push into you.

Your mouth was parting in a gasp, face pulling back in a wince of pain at the sudden intrusion and you could feel your breath catching in your throat at the feeling of him nearly tearing you open.

“Breathe baby, fuck.” He was cursing under his breath and for the first time today, he sounded just as fucked as you were. His words were tight and forced and you figured it was because how tightly you were squeezing against him to try and stop the pain. “Bunny, you’ve gotta loosen up.”

You were instinctively shaking your head at the suggestion, your body screaming in rejection from how thick he felt pushing into you. You figured he was barely even halfway in considering how big he looked when you glanced down and you suddenly felt worried you weren’t going to be able to take him.

He stayed still for a few moments, letting you take deep breaths as he guided them alongside his own and you could vaguely feel his big hands pushing your hair out of your sweaty face and rubbing up and down your sides until the wave of pain subsided.

Then it was quickly replaced with a burst of pleasure, a small whine slipping from your mouth and you heard him almost chuckle in relief at the realization you’d managed through it. The pain was still there but it felt euphoric now that it wasn’t unbearable, the perfect amount of uncomfortable that you learned you liked so much because of him.

Heeseung was kissing you again briefly before pushing further in without any warning, a loud cry ripping through you as your hands came around to grip tightly into his back. He was sweaty under your hands and your stomach pressed against his when your back instinctively arched off the bed to try and run away from the foreign feeling.

“Let me fuck you, let me take care of you.” You could hear him grunting the words in your ear and you were nodding swiftly, immediately breaking into a fit of moans when he bottomed out inside of you and rolled his hips slightly to get you used to the feeling of his entire length.

“Heeseung.” You were slurring out and he laughed softly into your skin, his hand scrunching tightly in your hair before sliding down to your hip to hold you in place as he started to pull out of you.

You didn’t have time to catch your breath before he was slamming back into you with his entire length, a sob of pleasure wracking through you at the feeling of him fucking into you so aggressively matched with his big head keeping you pinned against the mattress. He was sucking in tight breaths near your ear but your head was too dizzy to hear him completely, lost in the feeling of him repeatedly ramming himself inside of you.

“All mine.” His words were slowly filtering in and you gasped again at how fucked out he sounded, almost angry as he spat the words directly near your ear. “You’re all fucking mine, my perfect girl. Just made for me, only I get you like this.”

You were trying to nod at his words or show him form of agreement but you couldn’t bring yourself back to reality long enough, you didn’t think he was paying attention anyways considering the way he was relentlessly pushing himself into you at a pace that was nearly too painful.

Heeseung was slipping forward slightly off his elbow, losing his balance from how hard he was fucking into you and you could feel his chest slam against yours in a way that shoved the breath out of your lungs. You knew you probably looked completely wrecked, tears streaming down your face as you let out continuous cries of his name and slurred words that didn’t make any sense.

You could feel that slightly familiar intense feeling building in your stomach, scratching down his back to try and communicate that you were getting close and he luckily seemed to understand because you could feel him nodding his head against your shoulder, his hips sloppy in their assault now as he got closer too.

When you were coming undone, your vision went black for a second and you could feel his hand slipping off your hip and reaching up to cup under your chin roughly, pulling you in for a bruising kiss as he finished alongside you.

The kiss was messy and painful, teeth clashing together as he licked into your mouth and you could feel him slowly pushing into you a few more times, tingling in overstimulation at the feeling of him pressing against your sensitive clit before he was stopping and leaning against your chest more.

His room was silent outside of the sound of your heavy breathing, trying to gain the air back that had disappeared and not returned since he threw you onto his bed. That vulnerable feeling was creeping back up and you suddenly felt very exposed even though he was completely covering your body, even more so when he was slowly slipping himself out from inside of you and clearing his throat gently.

At first you thought he was feeling awkward too, sitting up slowly and shifting off the bed until he could cross the room into the connected bathroom. You laid there in silence, slightly hurt that he had walked away without saying anything before he was swiftly returning with something in his hand, bending down to grab his hoodie and a pair of sweatpants before he came back to the bed.

You watched him in silence, biting your lip anxiously, as he pulled the sweatpants over his legs and glanced down at you. His eyes had completely softened now, that dark edge missing as he gently helped you sit up against the pillows.

“My perfect girl.” He was pushing your hair back again and pressing a wet towel, what you now realized was what he had went to grab, against your forehead softly. He was wiping the sweat from your face and trailing it down your neck.

You still didn’t say anything when he helped you sit up more so he could slip his hoodie over your frame, flushing at the fact he was letting you wear his favorite one despite the fact you were still sweaty and gross.

He was climbing back up on the small bed, the two of you barely able to fit side by side on it but you leaned into his body when you felt his hip against yours and he tugged you closer so you were halfway in his lap and laying your head down on his shoulder.

“You okay? Did I hurt you?” His voice was gentle and you smiled softly although he couldn’t see it, liking the fact he could quickly go back to being so sweet despite how rough he just was with you.

“Not in any way I didn’t like.” You were telling him and you picked your head up so you could look at his face.

His hair was a lot longer now, completely covering his eyes when it was dry and fluffy and he didn’t style it. You’d memorized every mark or scar on his features, stared into his eyes for hours on end and watched how they changed and shifted with each emotion he felt or every story he told you.

He had a specific look that he only ever carried when he was looking in your direction or talking about you, something past love and adoration. Something so intense that you would be scared of it if you didn’t feel it too, that deep pull to him that didn’t go away no matter how many days you’d spent together trying to figure it out.

“Stay here tonight.” He was whispering to you and you heard a hint of that insecurity that he sometimes carried back when you’d first met him, not yet showing you all of him and his personality and unsure if you’d accept him for his faults.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You were shaking your head and reminding him, a deeper meaning behind your words other than just spending the night with him here in this house. You knew he worried about you leaving him eventually, telling you a few times late at night how insane it would make him if you ever did.

It was easier to reassure him that you wouldn’t go anywhere, tell him you didn’t have anywhere else you’d want to be and you loved to be with him. It was easier to say this and try to calm his wandering mind over having to admit that you felt the exact same way, your skin itching at the idea of going without him for an extended period of time. You knew it would be dangerous to admit that you were just as crazy as he was.

So instead you kissed him softly and pushed his bangs out of his sweaty face, letting him hold you tightly in his arms and check over your body for any bruises or marks he might’ve caused.

He didn’t need to know how much you craved his insanity.

So instead you kissed him softly and pushed his bangs out of his sweaty face, letting him hold you tightly in his arms and check over your body for any bruises or marks he might’ve caused.

He didn’t need to know how much you craved his insanity.

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rosepetalkitty · 23 days ago

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ngl hdg kinda amazes me in its ability to cater to my kinks pretty much perfectly while simultaneously triggering several of the worst parts of my trauma.

like how is it that it hits on everything i like on the surface, provides semi-decent worldbuilding to back it all up and enable the creation of stories, and even has consistent backstory and stuff, and yet the entire damn thing instills this looming sense of dread and fear that i can't shake enough to properly enjoy it...

below the break im gonna talk in like. moderate detail. about the parts that scare me. so uh yeah be aware that it'll get heavy that's just how it is.

ok, so the worst thing for me. wellness checks. the idea is cute and kinda hot on the surface. "make sure you're okay and if you're not you're getting domesticated" (which is supposed to be like. a happy thing. "now you get to just chill and be happy and get taken care of forever and in return you give me only your submission"). yeah, fuck it, im into that. hell that's not even an uncommon trope in the realm of cnc/mc writing.

except whenever i read an hdg wellness check story (in the sense of those long-ish tumblr posts that people write—i haven't even really considered reading the longer form content on ao3) there's something viscerally... off... about the tone. it stops feeling like kink and starts feeling like a nightmare when things happen to line up just so, and then it clicks, and reminds me that i knew people, real people, who had "wellness checks" happen in real life, except that instead of it being a kink thing that made them happy and was genuinely for their wellbeing, it was that their parents had hired people to kidnap them and drag them to a psych ward when they just needed a therapist. not all of those people that i knew have come home, as far as im aware. some have been gone for years.

and what about the whole idea of the non-consensual part being okay because "it's for your own good". in hdg-land it is. it's genuinely good for you and everyone seems to be happy with it, other than the occasional "bad guy who hates good things" trope (feralists, in hdg, afaik). but that's exactly what they told me when they cut contact between my boyfriend and i while he was in the hospital. "it's for your own good." guess what, it wasn't. his parents didn't like our relationship. they wanted me to forget him. they either didn't understand or didn't care that i couldn't. it was a year and a half before he came home and i had forgotten nothing.

our loss of communication was the tipping point in a series of events that, had i made one decision differently in the end, would have killed me. thankfully i fucked it up and am here today, no longer in that bad of a place may i add. im choosing not to share any of what happened to me directly right now because i don't want to turn this into a full on trauma dump, but suffice it to say there are recurring themes.

it's so interesting to me because in a lot of ways i have found comfort from those experiences in kink and writing. take flames of averon: mech pilots are neurochemically bonded to their handlers. how different is this from what the affini do to their florets? well, you have to sign up to be a pilot, and there's no authority in the world threatening you if you choose not to. even the coalition military wouldn't dare force you to become a pilot against your will, though they might never stop sending you promotional flyers if they find out you're able to tolerate the cyberware /lh

hell, im into cnc. im really into it. i chose to leave it as an opening between pilots and handlers in foa. the implication exists that if a handler tells their pilot to do something the poor thing will have a hell of a time saying no. that's intentional. it's hot to me, on either end. but the safety comes from other things.

yes, your handler has a lot of influence over you at a level that's hard to imagine, but you chose them and they chose you (most of the time), or at the very least neither of you had any complaints to raise with your supervisor when the paperwork came in for syncing your link chips (holly and astrid from seat of consciousness).

yes it's true, you can't be reassigned now that you're bonded, but that doesn't mean you have zero recourse if your handler is treating you badly. if you need to, you can always file paperwork with your commanding officer to request that something be done.

plus, handlers go through a lot of training, which includes screening to filter out people who would actually harm their pilots. yeah, some handlers are a little sadistic, but when it comes down to it they are on your side. if that wasn't the case they would never have passed pre-basic.

put another way, as a pilot in flames of averon, the closest thing ive ever written to a floret, there are a multitude of points at which you could have said no and didn't, and although that's obviously still noncon in the grand scheme of things, it's "signing away your freedom" cnc compared to the hdg flavor of "you 'consented' via it being the best thing for you whether you like it or not."

even if your handler just told you to "stay" for the first time and you're currently panicking and trying to figure out why your legs won't move, you still have some tiny amount of agency—an escape hatch, so to speak—and you'll just never end up having to use it.

and to me, the loss of that minute level of agency which will never be invoked is the difference between "this is hot as hell and feels perfectly safe" and "this is the abuse that was once leveraged against those i cared about, and to some degree myself, and it's simply been repackaged with a kink sticker slapped on."

none of this is to say i hate hdg, it's fans, those who write about it, or even the parts of it which scare me. i do think the idea is hot. hdg is pretty cool. hell, it was one of my inspirations in writing a lot of the pilot/handler dynamics in flames of averon. but it does scare me. and no matter what i tell myself i can't shake that fear.

it's frustrating, because oftentimes fear can be part of what makes something hot, but the particular flavor of fear which hdg instills in me is one which makes bitter all that it reaches. maybe someday i'll grow out of it. the traumatic memories from which that fear stems were only created in the past couple of years, to be fair. but something tells me a piece of that fear will never be fully dislodged from my mind.

so, all this to say, while i am into hdg, it's a complicated relationship.

(and on a sillier in character note to lighten the mood—please feel free to respond to this with roleplay or whatever you like!)

to any Affini out there who might be reading this, know that im not scared of you. im not scared of what you represent. im only scared by the fact that you mimic that which has left the scars you see on my soul today. im not against being taken in as a floret, and none of this is to say that i hold any level of disdain for you.

i only ask that you be gentle with me. what has been broken once can be broken again. please, do not let it come to that.

#rosie rants #rosie rambles #tw mental health #tw medical abuse #hdg #human domestication guide

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malarkeyrambles · 4 months ago

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deep rock galacticglyphid post

drg is my latest hyperfixation i think i love this game so mcuh ive been thinking aboutthe glyphids a lot and their biology im not super knowledgable on bio i just really like the topic so i might get a ton of stuff wrong but idc disclaimer: because glyphids evolved seperately from earthbeings (duh cuz they're on hoxxes not earth) any similarities to earth creatures is most likely just convergent evolution extraterrestrial life could be extremely similar like the glyphids or completely different its all speculative. anyway, first things first: Bone Game

ok lets look at the glyphid grunt for a sec. Glyphids have two body segments, a head and an abdomen, and eight legs. Their front legs are usually enlarged for burrowing, attacking, and defending. These vary in size and shape depending on the bug. (most glyphid variants look like they have three body segments, such as the grunt shown above, but i believe that its just a protruding jaw as when it moves its head its entire body moves with it, and the Warden specifically has a much more obvious two-segment body plan due to its lack of sharp teeth and massive size difference in body and head) They may or may not have eyes, indicating that eyes were a trait they lost when they went underground. What separates them from spiders is their size, ability to vocalize, their eusocial hierarchy, and the fact that they probably have bones. Earth spiders are invertibrates, like all arthropods. We haven't seeen a glyphid skeleton completely before, but there is a lot of evidence pointing towards their true bony nature. They dont have typical exoskeletons that cover the entirety of the animal. They have "chitinous armor plating" as described by the bestiary that resembles more the armored back of a crocodile than an actual exoskeleton. This plating can be removed in battle and not impair the glyphid's movement, in stark contrast to an earth bug which if you removed its exoskeleton it would just be a pile of bug organs. Exoskeletons double as their skin. Also glyphid sw

armers have no armor and still are fine moving around. They also have defined teeth and jaws, unlike the mandibles on an earth arthropod.

(peeled glyphid grunt guard)

(glyphid swarmer with teeth and jaw visible) Lastly, and I'm not too sure on this one, but i dont believe an exoskeleton made of chitin could hold up a glyphid, yet alone some of the bigger ones. Praetorians are the size and weight of a midsize SUV, and they're not even the biggest glyphids get.

Solitary vs Eusocial

If you got this far you're autistic about animals like me and probably know what eusocial means. If you don't, it just means there's a queen and workers. Think ants, wasps, and bees. While it's generally a consensus that most glyphids are eusocial under one Queen (we'll talk about her later), I think not all of them are. The bestiary says that glyphids are a genus, not a species, meaning that different glyphids can evolve seperately from one another and can be able to live independently instead of in a caste system. Of these, I think the beasts most likely to be solitary are the Stalker, Menace, Stingtail, and Septic Spreader. These guys have extra tools and divergent behaviors (sneaking up behind you, digging around, keeping a distance to shoot projectiles) that seem, to me, like they are taking advantage of the fact you are preoccupied with the glyphid colony and trying to snatch you up as prey for themselves.

(from left to right) stingtail, septic spreader, stalker (below) menace

It also explains why, in some locations, there are random batches of glyphid eggs out and about. It could be this could be a clutch of one of the aformentioned solitary glyphid eggs, and all glyphids look the same when they hatch.

These swarmer nests could either be from the glyphid colony (we are in their territory, after all) or just a different variant of glyphid.

( the blue gem is not supposd to be in there usually, just the purple circles. I couldn't find a better picture.) insert super smooth segue into :

Glyphid Hierarchy

apologies for the crunchy image but i put together this tierlist to explain how I think the glyphid hierarchy works. The tierlist didn't have the stalker in it but it would have gone in solitary for reasons Ive mentioned.

Notes: Soldiers are specialized for fighting but they all have different roles. Slashers and exploders tend to flank and sneak up on their target, the latter being born literally just to die. Praetorians and oppressors are meant to soak up attention and, in our case, damage. Web and acid spitters are meant to take care of flying enemies ( probably mactera in the wild, but in our case it's dwarves on a zipline), and wardens support the ground enemies. the green baby glyphids that are in the solitary tier are called Glyphid Spawn, and they aren't actually a glyphid; rather, a fleshy monolith called a Brood Nexus (below) had taken the DNA of a Glyphid and created their own version of swarmers with it. icky.

Mutations and Anomalies

Certain bugs such as the Bulk Detonator, Dreadnought Hiveguard, and dreadnought twins are anomalies that either don't occur naturally or an unintentional byproduct of biology doin its thing. The Bulk detonator "is what happens when an exploder manages to not detonate during its volatile, and usually short, life." This description pretty much spells it out that these guys aren't supposed to exist.

also, look at their mangled faces and bulbous, pustuled bodies. Exploders are meant to be sent out and explode. I don't know what the glyphid colony does with these, but I don't think they let them stay. Too volatile, and positively humongous. They're the biggest glyphids by far and i think glyphids just wouldn't let them be.

I have no clue how the Crassus Detonator exists or how it turns an entire crater into gold when it explodes. The Dreadnought Twins are a Dreadnought that split into two in the cocoon. Assuming dreadnoughts pupate into queens (more about that below), it's likely that they would pupate into two queens, with possible ramifications outside of that (perhaps sharing energy in a cocoon means inhibited reproduction in some way?) I doubt they'd fight over power, because the dreadnought twins show impeccable teamwork when broken out, even to the point of one dreadnought will sacrafice some of it's health for the other if one gets too low.

dreadnought twins The Dreadnought Hiveguard is the closest we've got to actually seeing a Glyphid Queen. It's a dreadnought that's been baking for a while but hasn't gotten all the way there. It's impenetrable from everywhere and can spawn Sentinels to protect it. It then reveals three weakpoints on its face when all Sentinels are killed, and then reveals its booty weakpoint when the face weakpoints were deaded.

(from left to right) Hiveguard, Sentinels Because Sentinels don't come from the cocoon and dont spawn in any other area, my best guess about them is they lay dormant usually, letting the other glyphids fight. They only respond to the Queen, being her last line of defense. It'd make sense because the Hiveguard is the closest thing to a queen we've got, and it has a unique vocalization for summoning Sentinels.

Dreadnoughts, Praetorians, Queens, and Conservation

The glyphid dreadnought, at its base form, seems to be a grander Praetorian. They look similar, down to the tusks on their face, and even have similar attacks. They carry the same bite and slash that nearly all ground glyphids have, but they also have a projectile shot from the mouth.

(from left to right) Praetorian 3d Model, Dreadnought 3d Model If I had to guess, this could be a Royal Jelly Moment. To explain, lets look at earth honeybees. These guys are fed a substance called "royal jelly" as a larva until they are fed honey. Certain workers, though, are fed and fed and fed and even have the walls of their honeycomb cell lined with the stuff. These workers end up becoming juvenile queen bees and they start their own colony. Given the fact that Oppressors are canonically "aggresively mutated Praetorians", I believe they are simply praetorians that weren't fed Royal Jelly. Their armor grows, and their weakpoint abdomen shrinks.

In the game, it's heavily implied that the glyphids are without a Queen (the voiceline "Die like your mother did!" when killing glyphids comes to mind), and the only time we ever see a Dreadnought is in a cocoon, outside of the rare times it spawns on an unrelated mission. We are told explicitly that these guys arent in their final form and they will pupate into something much worse if we don't stop them, and there seem to be a lot of cocoons around. (There are 2-3 cocoons a mission and there is always an elimination mission available.) What i think is happening is Praetorians are mutating into Dreadnoughts which are further trying to mutate into Glyphid Queens to fill the empty spot in the glyphid hierarchy and they want to spew out so many glyphids that the mining operations on Hoxxes has to close down. This has a lot of implications. Firstly, glyphids are so plentiful without a queen. Imagine how insane they'll get with one. Secondly, glyphids are numbered. They aren't being replaced and DRG is killing hundreds of them a mission, potentially thousands on Deep Dives and Elite Deep Dives. (I tried an elite deep dive earlier today, got to about 897 dead glyphids on the third mission which i inevitably failed). Thinking about this really puts into perspective the damage DRG is doing to Hoxxes in the pursuit of more money and resources, polluting it with depleted uranium and plasma radiation and drill fumes and omoran heartstone lazerbeam juice and abandoned mining equipment, sucking it dry for its resources, and actively killing the rest of the wildlife that havent died from habitat loss. Glyphids are not the villain of this story. They are just following their instincts. It reflects how real-world corporations simply don't care about the earth that gives it its wealth and gives us life. I didn't mean for this rant to end the way it has, but please be grateful for the earth you stand on, appreciate nature, and don't litter. Also, if you haven't, play Deep Rock Galactic. solid game.

if only there was some salute or chant i could say to end this with a bang, one involving rocks, or stones, or something

#drg #deep rock galactic #glyphid #theory #biology #spec bio #special interest #loser #karl #deep rock #autistic

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notarabeiia · 8 days ago

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Arcane hot takes (mainly caitvi), rants and ideas.

Vi would not care all that much about Maddie. +the maddie hate is overdone. It would not surprise me if Vi also slept with someone else during that time, we know she had a gf in jail and slept around, i think she might be a bit upset but in the long run i think she would 1, understand and 2, know that there is more important shit happening. I also wonder if Ambessa had anything to do with Maddie and Cait but im not sure about that. I think Cait just likes short women. Cait is a top, "i think their switches" sure but even when they switch i still think Cait is the dominant one. Vi has barely any dominant bones in her body. I love her but she cannot defeat the lover girl allegations. Vi likes being hit. Now obviously she has alot of trauma with being hit but if you look at the scenes and compare them... i fear its clear. In the scene where she argues with Cait and Cait hits her in the stomach, she falls to the ground and cries, so you would think "ok that hurt her." BUT in episode 6 when Vi follows that guy through the cliffs Cait jumps down and hits her in the exact same way she did after her argument, Vi falls to the ground cuz she was tackled but she doesnt look like it hurt that bad, sure she groans but she rolls it off and doesnt seem to care. And then later when Vi tells her to hit her, Cait hits her so hard that she blacks out for a second, the light from her eyes disapears and she looks shocked and dizzy, but as she turns around, shes smirking. So my take is Vi likes being hit but only when its consensual obviously and only when shes in the right mindset.

Not rly a hot take more just a want but vi and jinx should take silco and vanders jackets. The sizes are like perfect for them, one is shorter but stockier and the other is taller but smaller and lankier. they would be so cute. In the scene where they first find Jinx and they have the big fight and Isha jumps infront of Jinx and points the gun at Vi, I think Jinx wasnt just saying no cuz she wanted to die, i think she just didnt wait Vi to die until she was dead. She wanted Vi to see her dead, she wanted Vi to feel guilt and mourn, she wanted Vi to recognise her sister as she lay on that table. Until ofc the building would have blown up, killing Vi as well. They would have had the perfect poetic end, with Vi forgiving jinx in her last few moments. But Isha ruined it, If isha shot Vi, Jinx would have had to go, she wouldnt be able to just let herself get killed by Cait, she knew she was too quick for her anyway. The only way she would have died is if Vi killed her, and cuz of Isha, that wasnt happening. Continuing on from the last scene, when Vi jumps off the table to stand infront of Jinx and Isha so Cait couldnt shoot them, Jinx saw her sister for the first time in like 8 years. She recognised the girl standing infront of her, doing everything she could to protect an innocent. Jinx knew she wasnt doing it for her obvi, Jinx knows she is not innocent. I really do beleive that is the scene where Jinx made a switch, where she decided to forgive Vi, as much as she could ofc, which in turn led to her supporting her at fights, and bringing her to vander. I think without that scene, if Jinx had survived without Isha, the story would have been so different. she would have continued to envy and hate Vi, she wouldnt have invited her to see vander, they never would have worked together. Basically what im saying is Isha is the glue. With isha being the glue ofc brings worry for the next act, in the trailer Jinx acts a wreck. shes slow, dissociated, depressed and empty. and while i dont entirely beleive isha is dead i beleive she is hurt or gone for the first bit. So that begs the question, how will jinx react? on one hand, she could go mental again, return to the way she was before Isha, hearing things, seeing things, being childish, loud and erratic to distract herself from her trauma. on the other hand, she is to far ahead to go back. This is the more likely outcome to me. She will begin to fall back on Vi, in the trailer we can hear/see her talking to Vi in a civil way, and Caitlin has lost alot of hate for her, they know have one common enemy. They dont like eachother but as we saw in episode 6 they are able to work together and tolerate eachother. i beleive Jinx will lean on Vi as a way to stay up, she might not be helpful but i think she will hang around Vi and Cait like a cat. Mainly wanting to be with Vi, especially after "hes your father too" but Cait is ussually with Vi so its kind of a package deal.

Maddie is working with ambessa or maybe ambessa just told her to hookup with Cait. She’s too pure. Somethings wrong.

none of this has any real reason i just felt like yapping. ill probably add more, i also want to see if any of my stuff is correct.

#arcane #arcane vi #arcane caitlyn #arcane jinx #arcane jayce #arcane caitvi #arcane powder #arcane isha #arcane season two #arcane league of legends

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nicegaai · 9 months ago

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tryig to finish this almost complete oneshot and i guess its been a while since i was last on a writing kick because i didnt reread the whole thing before inserting more exposition (rambling about my headcanons from their povs) and i ended up w a chunk thats completely out of place and contradicts the rest of the plot ...... but its Compelling ................ so now i have fuel for the next time i start feverishly ranting in notes app about nor/way and ice/land being weird about each other. i guess

basically the concept is norway has the kind of childhood sexual trauma that makes him hypersexual to the point he has very few strictly platonic relationships because having sex with everyone is just What He Knows. and he does the kind of life lore dropping where he'll drop the saddest story ever and laugh about it and never bring it up again ykwim ... this is my baseline norway interpretation. that man is not going to therapy. if he ever does, he doesn't last long.

anyway he doesn't think about iceland like that. it literally doesn't cross his mind. despite the warping in his brain, he genuinely thinks of ice as his younger brother. this is one of his few platonic relationships.

andddddd. if iceland wanted to change that he would barely put up a fight. he wouldnt fight at all actually. norway would be like oh ok lol. this is what happens to all his relationships eventually, especially because he has a reputation by now. and iceland knows the reputation. and takes advantage of that.

the concept goes one of two ways: either norway kind of wanted this all along but was trying to think of ice as off limits For His Mental Health, and that gets blown up, and nor is like whatever lol that therapist didnt know shit. OR. norway really genuinely thought of ice as his only family member (non sexually), and this change in their dynamic fucks him up. and he Acts Normal but internally it makes him sick, and he tells iceland what he wants to hear but slowly , or quickly, he becomes so emotionally distant that it freaks iceland out and everything is ruined forever, even though nore said it was fine and it was 100% consensual and iceland isnt sure what to do

and this is larger in scope than im willing to attempt 👍 so i will daydream a bit while finishing this 6k other thing and uhh while avoiding the ch 8 beta notes .....

#p #fanfic rambling again 👍 norgway and icdeland

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candiid-caniine · 10 months ago

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Bug, I need advice

I want to ask my master to start using it pronouns for me (not for gender reasons- I'm staunchly they/them- but BC I'm pathetic and don't deserve anything else). I want to show him that I'm nothing more than his pathetic toy.

...but I don't want to just ask him. That would be too easy- to put it into conversation like I'm a person. I don't deserve that.

So what can I do to ask him? What show should I put on to make him stop respecting me? I want to be degraded and sobbing and a desperate leaky mess for him when I ask but I can't think of anything 😭

Assume nothing is off the table. Edging covered in drool, licking the toilet, anything.

Help,,

Thank you bug. Us leaky cunts gotta stick together.

arf this is a tough one!! obviously you know your master, but just in case it hasn't come to mind, remember that for some people this may feel like misgendering or orientation play, so it's always best to gauge your partner's limits first. (this warning isn't necessarily for you, bc i trust that this is a committed relationship w good communication, but for anyone else interested in something like this!)

here's what i would do. think of the thing that makes you cry. humiliation? pain? edging? whatever it is, think about that. for me, it's easier if i'm put into subspace slowly before whatever makes me cry is starting; i'm more open and emotional that way.

ask your master to plan a scene for you. you're basically asking him to break you, possibly in a way he never has before, so please please take advantage of his care for you--make sure you'll have ample time and supplies for any aftercare you might need; this is gonna be a tough scene, a show of devotion and ownership that is going to be intense. tell him that at some point during this scene, you're going to give him a gift somehow.

what i would do if i was doing this (pls bear in mind im a dumb fuck): i'd write it down. maybe on a piece of paper. maybe on a dog tag to attach to my collar. or go fucking crazy and have a plaque made, or a custom paddle, or cross-stitch some shit...make it unique, but tangible. here are some ideas for how i would say it:

pathetic toys don't deserve pronouns (and on the back it says "it/its")

congrats! it's an it! (im trying to riff on cringey cishet 'gender reveals' but idk if its working lmaooo)

fleshlights don't have pronouns (this prob only works if ur a bottom and he's a top so disregard if needed lmao)

dildos don't have pronouns (if ur the top and he's the bottom)

certified object (TM) (and on the back it says "it/its")

sex toy (and on the back it says "it/its")

if i was a toy 👀and u were a real person 👀would u respect me 👀or nah? (check yes or nah) and if u checked nah 👀would u maybe 👉🏽👈🏽 call me it/its? 👀 haha jk,, unless....?

omg or,, one of those like fake certificates? or a deed of property?

Here on this 14th of February, 2024, by Notarized Declaration, has been bequeathed to You, the Undersigned, a certification: that [sub's name] has been deemed a Material Object, pursuant to Code 98.706 of the Consensual Dehumanization Act, and shall hereby be referred to by "it/its" pronouns throughout any Proceedings of Consensual Power Exchange (PCPA). (Initial)___ I, the Undersigned, hereby agree to this Declaration and the Conditions elaborated herein...

did yall think i was joking about being a clownpuppy

anyway. whenever you've figured that shit out, be it a plaque, a fake contract, a dog tag, whatever the fuck, hide that shit. whatever your master has planned for the evening, incorporate it.

is he gonna tie you up and put you in a suspension rig and pretend he's livestreaming you? hide that shit in his ropes.

is he gonna make you hump his shoe and bark? hide it in ur mouth and drool it out onto his thigh.

is he gonna edge you and call you names until you cry? fam, put that shit in your holes. that is the ultimate objectification (to me): be the vase you hide your v-day roses in.

so that's my advice, basically. if you don't want to ask outright like a person, then symbolize it in your play. it's still communication, which is vital for a scene that's gonna be as intense as you want it to be, but it also fits the theme of what you're trying to tell him. come up with a basic plan for the night, then place your declaration somewhere accessible either by you or him when you hit the point in the night that you want to reveal it.

i'm so excited for you. idk if i really helped, this is just *my* style of play (read: stupidtown to the max), but regardless i'd love to hear how it goes, whatever you end up deciding!

#tw: dehumanization #advice #asks #denial #h/d

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gray-ace-space · 1 year ago

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So, sorry if this is the wrong kind of thing to share with you but,,,

Will preface by saying I'm a twenty-something adult--

I'm gray-ace, I've known this for a while, despite being a virgin (and god the way that confuses allos. "How do you know if you've never-" fuck off Janet, I just know okay).

I just don't have much of a libido, don't experience sexual attraction much. Im chill with reading smut, fantasizing, whatever. Basically my sexuality is best explained as "well sex is great in theory but not sure about in practice."

So... to the point of this ask. I had a sexual encounter, completely consented, was with a trusted individual that knows I'm gray-ace and inexperienced. No penetration, just more than I've done before. And it was... fine? Like that sounds bad, but I mean at the time I was totally chill and even giddy, but now, a few days later, I'm stressing about it. Like I can't stop thinking about it and I can't discern how I'm feeling about it (aside from fyucking confused). Like I feel awkward and disjointed, and... I dunno. It's hard to explain.

Basically I'm just trying to find out if anyone else has ever experienced this? Like an *off* feeling a while after-the-fact, even though everything was totally consensual and fun in the moment. Because I can't help but feel like this Isn't Normal. And if there's any advice anyone has I'd love to hear it.

hi. i have not experienced this exact thing, but something similar.

for me, i haven't done anything concretely sexual irl, but since beginning to date my current (long distance) partner, i have been sexting a lot more than before, and for the first time i actually do it for fun and not because i'm pressured into it. mostly it's been working out great! but i do sometimes have this like. feeling of being unsettled after, even if in the moment everything was fine and good. not like, days after, but like, a couple hours after.

interestingly, for me that feeling is not limited to sexual encounters. it happens after non-sexual interactions with people too. basically, i used to have really bad social anxiety, like i couldn't be social at all, i couldn't hang out with people without being terrified the whole time. i don't have that anymore, but it comes out in other ways. oftentimes i will spend time with someone, and have like, so much fun and feel a genuine connection. but then immediately after, when i'm alone again, i suddenly just crash. like, i feel so depressed and alone and like i want to die. i feel like i should never talk to anyone again. but then the feeling goes away and i'm like, wtf was that about. honestly i still haven't fully figured out why it happens.

my one guess (and take this all with a grain of salt cause i don't know you or your life) is that you were vulnerable. you went out of your comfort zone. and in the moment, you were too busy having fun and being with the other person to really notice. but now you have space to think about it, to sit with yourself, and you're realizing it was important to you. you're realizing you took a big step. that's scary! it's confusing! and that feeling is not your enemy; it's telling you something. you just need to figure out what that something is, because it might be something important.

good luck! if you wanna talk about it more, i'm here. and if anyone else has advice or similar experiences, pls add on

#og post #asks #gray ace #ace #acespec #long post #mental health #social anxiety #gray asexual #graysexual #asexual #lgbt #lgbt+#lgbtq #lgbtq+#txt

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thatonesongyouretryingtoremember · 6 months ago

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DBD rewatch notes!!

episode TWO!

Also my autocorrect is fucked but I'm not gonna proofread this thing ✌️

alright im making sure to watch the recap this time, apparently a character narrates it.

well that was underwhelming. maybe the real narration is added in a later episode.

Also I just realized about how 'this living girl can help with the living' and 'Becky is alive' like no wonder Edwin panicked he thought he wouldn't get to help out ghosts anymore.

so they just happened to walk by the docks, huh?

MUSIC

even Charles thinks Eddie boy fucked up.

Even now, Edwin wants to handle diplomacy. Just like with Shelby.

it would be kinda funny if the guy these cats killed was the sane guy Esther tested her machine on. random guy constantly exposed to The Horrors.

PURPLE FIRE

"using magic on my cats is a risk car crash on your part" that line is so iconic

so I guess the cats like him being king bc he's protective, or at least willing to start shit on their behalf.

THE TWIRL

what does too many cat scratches do to a ghost?

is that location inside the warehouse? I assume it is abandoned bc of how many cats have been showed to live in there. are the lights kept on by magic?

OF COURSE the cat king has his mattress on the floor LMAO mold who?

"If you must know" omg CK's private questions are probably so protecting and random before Edwin's autistic ass catches on to the flirting

MUSIC

He is trying so hard to stay on track

NOT THE ROPE TAIL

The way they show us Edwin's reaction before showing us that CK grabbed his *wrist* I thought this scene was going in a different direction on my first watch 👁👄👁

a caging spell is like. so obviously a bad guy thing to do. like, making someone feel like they can't leave or manipulating their life until they can't leave is classic abuser shit, and CK here pulls it on their FIRST meeting. not to mention the spell can only be undone by the caster, so if Edwin ever wants to leave the town (bc being there actively puts him in danger) he is forced to see the Cat King.

The whole point for CK of putting that spell on Edwin, was to show him how fucked up his spell on that catboy was. So he KNOWS that using magic on someone is wrong.

Edwin is trying so hard to get this guy tp be reasonable

"I can see that has offended your old fashioned sensibilities. I an a fair and consensual Cat King." THIS IS COERCION. THIS IS FUCKING COERCION.

I get that he backs off or whatever, but why on Earth did he think any of that was okay to begin with!? Also no "fair" king has to point out how fair they are. It's almost as if you've given this guy enough rain to believe otherwise :o

Why exactly was there a time warp??

I love when Edwin talks with his hands.

Not Edwin accusing Charles of being careless because he isn't at risk of going to hell :0 (also Charles yes we do it is happy brevete you're the best)

I'm not going anywhere without you :3

So ig Charles figure CK must have had something else to say bc how on Earth does one *trick* Edwin? like he tells Emma, driving a hard bargain is his THING.

Jokes on Edwin bc act cagey about something ONE TIME and all of a sudden it's the only thing your friends ask about!

Hercules referenced!

She looks so small in that room alone

that would probably be funny if I knew what John Hughes was.

Hop on the ferry AND THEN WHAT

say what? they're so in tune.

*tosses mail on bed* *misses*

these guys really love using symmetry in shots

you can actually hear Litty and Kingham giggling here! and a little bit of their weirdass theme song.

How exactly can Mick tell that the magic can't be undone??

Tragic Mick is so lonely. nobody cares about his story.

freebie enchanted jar, I guess. Good on Charles for recognizing how cool it is but like. why did he give them that besides plot

Will the kids ever find out that Mick was the one who sold that stuff to Esther?

SYMMETRY

no thoughts only explode

Yay Edwin cares if she's alright!

is there like a running joke with them about western medicine? bc the line 'stop being so nice' just sounds random to me idk

TWIRL

he's so excited! aww

The way he looks at the wall when Charles points out the bracelet XD

just because you don't like books does not mean you have to be so haphazard! the place is a mess and you probably ripped some pages!

pink is blue and your left isn't mine. makes perfect sense.

Those poor little shits had no clue they would end up inside a girl who hates being looked at XD

I like how Niko is shy at first it's a cool character decision.

why does Crystal already say "yes" to "history of fainting" if she doesn't get know that Niko has had these episodes before??

Also the hysteria detail is nice. a few episodes later Edwin corrected himself before saying it, and I think either Niko or Crystal must have spoken to him after he called Niko hysteric *twice*

why do they keep thinking Death will randomly show up in their office??

the "you'll rip your arm off" is a comic reference. a child servant named Persephone was stuck in a mirror portal when she died and Charles was afraid Edwin would injure her if he tried to pull her out.

I think Charles might have started to suspect what CK wanted in this scene, but until Edwin comes out he probably either feels unsure about it or thinks it is too delicate to ask straight up. Not that he's necessarily "delicate" with what he does ask.

oh their little joke and smiles are so cute!

MUSIC

well if it isn't the book Charles TRIED to get earlier!

Edwin with the literal interpretation

Also I can't see MUCH of the writing but the "secretions" are described as "viscous" so there is no way they made that connection without seeing the vomit first. that does not mean weird light.

Crystal is so funny here. "I noticed you have no friends sp you must feel lonely about your sickness. similarly, I don't know my parents." she is lucky that worked. it is still a sweet scene tho.

She's so sixteen. she needs her parents. :((((

Did Niko say she lived in Japan? Did Crystal read that on the envelopes? Why didn't she get visions when she touched the letters? they're definitely emotional enough.

Crystal has changed into more subdued clothing, and the ends of her hair are a little messy. honestly her hair progression is so interesting to me because of the way it changes with her character, but I think I should rather that be it's own post. lmk if y'all want that, but I will probs get around to it anyways.

So this is where the conflicting narratives confuse me. Do they exit the host body when they get strong, or when they are starving?

SYMMETRY

Niko is so excited to listen to herrr

What exactly does Niko mean by "are you insane?" like she sounds so excited.

Crystal is so sensitive to Niko's feelings. She tries to be helpful but also not freak her out.

The 4th wall break HELP (+more symmetry and a face closeup)

Also the flashback starts out from her eyes.

Now that I read about it, he school uniform really does look like Litty's dress. plus you can hear the sprites giggling again!

At least Edwin has enough sense to let Crystal keep doing her thing!

MUSIC

I guess Jenny thought Crystal brought Niko downstairs. Great, another way Jenny thinks she is weird and irresponsible.

Who was that shorter person in the hall of the Lost and Found?? Emma or something? probably not.

bigass clipboards

Most of Charles' chest is obscured in the photo.

SYMMETRY

honestly the constant use of artistic symmetry in these shots A] makes a cohesive vibe and B] makes it look manufactured, it reminds me of the ASOUE netflix show in that way.

wtf does "a misplaced dead child causes more trouble than a live one" even mean?? what kind of proviene are live children causing in the realm of Death??

I like the Night Nurse character because her duty is to take care of those kids but she also seems to think of them all as troublemakers or obstacles for whatever reason. ooh, more symmetry!

What is that glowing table all about?

I guess they came up with a compromise about Niko.

Googled it, bobtail means a person you don't like or find unpleasant.

wait I added in the time period. He's being sexist.

an unlicked cub is someone who is "rude" and I'm pretty sure it is classist.

"let's not worry about dads, yeah?"

Edwin always says exactly what he is thinking. I think he probably throws in period slang if he doesn't want to hurt Charles' feelings.

I wonder why Charles has multiple things he knows Edwin's dad would say. I bet Edwin uses his dad to insult people (clients?) all the time and Charles looks it up and goes "wait a sec that describes me too" or smthng.

YAY! LEARNING!

wdym "maybe that's why I like her so much?" WDYM

"We're figuring this out" WHERE HAVE I HEARD THOSE WORDS BEFORE (staircase)

"I simply hate that I am the reason we are stuck in this town." "I should have known. Welcome to not being perfect"

MORE SYMMETRY

Walks fast bf and walks backwards so he can talk and look him in the face bf. they're so complimentary.

They always end up in that one same pose, huh? Facing straight at eachother in profile. It's so organic, and I think that CK has actually tried to force a similar shot, which is interesting. that's in a later episode though.

Charles the emotionally attuned king

HE JUST WANTS TO BE THERE FOR YOUU

"you're like a dog with a bone" *steps on bone*

it isn't as if you what, Edwin? as if you haven't said it all already? as if you know any more than Charles about it?

SKINNY JORTS

So they use the dead host body to reproduce through spore pods that biomimic dandelion seeds? I feel like that needs more elaboration. Like that needs to be explained to me.

aww poor Niko :((

You know shit's serious when they break out the "Asunder"

The circle thing. First of all, what is that? Secondly, I feel like these two are framed in a circle another time, but I don't remember when.

badass transition and the shrine is really cool. the dandelion texture is pretty realistic imo.

It does not look chiseled away but go off

So what type of sacrifices? do they need you to ""pay"" then attention? are the dead bodies the sacrifices? are the hosts the sacrifices?

Are there enough abandoned pantheons of these just scattered about that the supernatural scientific community had the consensus that they are a common parasite??

I like how the fake dandelions look slightly different than real ones.

Did their worshippers make a vessel to trap them? Or is that just where they lived before they started starving and inhabiting people?

I think this is practican effects + camera work?? it's very good!

I guess she figured out time was running out.

Is that charming in a condescending way or does he just think that she's easy to work with?

"cut the weird shit out I'll like, evict you" she had no clue how to talk to kids, or to stand up to someone who will listen.

'that got dark' that is the same reaction to when Crystal brought up David

did they ever end up telling Niko that David the Ex is a demon?

What are the rules about what objects are invisible or not?

A HOOK!?

wait did they explain to Crystal that the thingies are starving???

this scene is so frickin creeeepyyyy

They make a point about keeping their hats on. They seem to love those hats. weird.

and the sprites also care about eachother to some extent.

OOH ANOTHER COMIC REF

did her hair change immediately and they only noticed just now, orr??

This time when meeting new friends, Niko doesn't act shy anymore. She already feels comfortable around Crystal since they talked.

Crystal had a Look when Niko said the agency name was good, but idk if it was entirely mean.

They better elaborate on those godly powers next szn!

HEY the letters hit the bed this time!

WHO got the word out, tho?

So they have to tell those ghosts to go home so the girls can sleep?

so the FEAR is her power

MUSIC

Green fire

why is she doing this with the rings on. there's no way anything she's doing is sanitary.

tbh with the growling, I totally thought he'd be evil the first time 'round.

HUMAN MONTY MY BELOVEDDDD!!!!

#dead boy detectives #dbd netflix #about the dead boys

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truthfuladult · 7 months ago

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As a late bloomer, at the age of 30, I gave my first blowjob. I want to preference this with everything was consensual and safe.

All I can do is process all of this. I think this is the harder (pun not intended) part of being a late bloomer. Am I supposed to be embarrassed? By not knowing how to do this? Well no, but the inner self of my mind says otherwise.

I have religious trauma that impacts a lot, but in this moment, something was different.

I wanted to watch a movie with you, no insinuation but clearly things shifted. I think its still hard to believe you could want me. I’m a plus size girlie and while I’m okay with my body which took a long time to learn to love, I am not sure im okay with it in others presence. But you didn’t seem to care.

You picked me up for boba, and you held the door for me. You held the door for me every time, and I feel like you would have open the car door for me if I had waited.

You asked me if I wanted snacks for the movies, I was okay, but you wanted some so we went. (The last date I was on, at the end he took me to the grocery store which was weird and bought groceries). This was not that. You got me involved and wanted to buy snacks I liked for the movie we were going to watch. I said we should get you snacks because I wasn’t that hungry. But you wanted me to choose to see what I liked. At every turn, what do you like. And when I chose you threw it in the cart. You paid for our snacks and boba.

You pay every time we go out. You hold the door for me. You kiss me on my forehead and you rub your nose with mine. You treat me with romance. I don’t know how to handle that.

I have always been the outsider. I read about romance, I listen and watch love songs and movies. I never thought and had grown to accept that I would never have romance.

My dates before me: didn’t dress up, didn’t insist on paying, didn’t always ask me my favorite things. You treat me so differently. And we have good chemistry.

I like kissing you very much, I like when you kiss my neck. During the movie, I have never seen and it was a favorite of yours. I wanted to watch, but of course when you kiss me, I get caught up in it. Its just so much fun and it makes me feel sexy to feel wanted by you. Though I don’t believe you when you verbalize it, but I feel that for myself.

Long kissed turn to fast kisses, wet kisses, neck kissing to you removing my leggings and panties. Im familiar with this part, but still nervous. As I am bare for you, with my belly showing. Like I said, I have learned to love myself but showing someone my body is such a vulnerable state. You roamed your fingers until they found the spot. Then you flicked my clit. You stuck your fingers into me. This is the part where it usually hurts, but I didn’t feel it. I just wanted more. Lost in the feeling closing my eyes and moaning in abandonment. When opened my eyes, your pants were down and I knew you wanted to stick your dick in me. I had to stop it. I wasn’t ready for that part.

And you stopped, I had to be honest with you and tell you I was a virgin. Thought it would scare you or make you think I was odd. But you said it was okay, that you understood and only wanted to go as slow as I wanted no pressure. Then you voiced you wanted to keep fingering me. And I said yes.

Im okay with under the shirt stuff. Through this the movie kept playing. I may have lost count how many times you put your fingers in me, how many times you flicked my clit. How many times you pumped your fingers so hard I felt an odd sensation in my channel. As Im writing this, I can still feel your fingers even when you’re not here. Nothing felt bad, just different. I could see the look in your face, lust.

You told me you wanted me. Said I was beautiful, at one point sexy, another time hot, and it was hard to believe. But you gave me pleasure, and I wanted to return it. I really did, but didn’t know how.

When I voiced it, you asked me if I ever gave a blow job, no I’ve read about them but have never even seen a penis in real life. “Really? Well do you want to?” And I shyly did. I out my head on your chest as you pulled your dick out. Seen it limp, touched it and felt it hardened. It’s like the books describe it: velvety. I saw the skin move up and down as I stroked it, you said that was normal when I asked. I said men are weird. You laughed at that. I felt the round top, soft. Felt the pre-cum, hot. You said I could lick it. I voiced I didn’t know how. Like a lollipop or ice cream. I said I don’t have a strong gag-reflex and you said that was okay, you didn’t like it all the way in either.

I felt safe with you. So I licked it like you said. I put my lips all over it. Like a lollipop you said, put my tongue in the slit, tasted your pre-cum. I was too shy to finish but watched as you stroked yourself. I got on your lap and kissed you. You fingered me again. Laid me on the couch and really used your fingers.

I took you to my room. No sex, you were okay with that. We made out, you fingered me as I stroked you. We cuddled naked. You were with my body completely naked as you were. We talked, I learned your last name and you learned mine. You said you wanted to bring me flowers on the first date but didn’t want to scare me. A boy has never bought me flowers. I said you’re a romantic person.

Then when we checked the time it was late. I wanted to you to stay but also wasn’t ready for that. You said you understood. We both changed and I put on my jammies and took out my contacts for glasses. You said I looked beautiful in glasses. I smile because i’m awkward. I kissed goodbye.

I replay a lot of this. All my moments with you I replay. I like them, but i wonder if its enough. There’s so much more to talk about. I think I might want sex with you, but I want it to be special and mean something. Will that be enough. I know you like me, you’ve told me so. I like you too, but I don’t know if I could be a partner, a girlfriend, which I know is what you want. I want to move in a few years, this place is all you know. You don’t mention your culture, I bring mine up sometimes. Its important to me. But I guess we have more to talk about.

I think i like you. Im processing how this all works and keep asking myself: is this enough for you for now?

#late bloomer #dating #plus side girls #Spotify

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booksandchainmail · 2 years ago

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Pale 4.7

“Zed told me I need to work with others better. I’m used to working on my own, and I’ve already decided on the answer. I could say it, but then I’m not working with the group, am I?”

lol. but also fair. I feel like I've been on Jessica's side of this a few times, and am now getting an appreciation for how annoying it is

That wasn’t wrong, but… it was frustrating, and it was that frustration that seemed to extend from Jessica. Because Jessica was queer and casually cool, and she explored places.

oh yeah. I hadn't thought of this angle, but I think Jessica might be literally the first other queer girl Avery has ever met. IME that produces a lot of "please recognize me and notice I am also queer and act as though that gives us a connection" feelings. Which can be a lot to put on another person all at once.

And like, okay, Jessica had a girlfriend and she was a few years older, and maybe that got a bit weird, so she was off limits relationship-wise,

it's not (necessarily) about having a crush, just about finding a community

“He was like that with you, briefly. He likes things predictable. You’re both… ‘wild’,” Jessica murmured.

"if you three won’t give me data to work with in structuring my lessons, please sit back, be quiet, and don’t engage until I signal it’s okay. The programs I use for the adaptive lesson plan are sensitive." “You could have told her.” “I am not interested in arguing the point, Ms. Kelly. This works for me and it works for the majority of my students. The school offers many other learning opportunities for those who don’t like how I teach.”

ok. so an actual explanation for what was going on last chapter. But it still sucks! Feels like the school as a whole is structured for the idea of doing what the teachers say without questioning, which on the one hand is necessary when in immediate danger, but on the other hand is a dick move, and also really exploitable

the pillars of the awakening ritual, fishbone as skull, axe as blade, dog as element of nature, and comb as thread.

iirc they had a rose as element of nature in pact, but none in the awakening in pale. I think I missed that earlier, bc I was thinking of the rose as a personal item. Guess most depictions of the seal of solomon go with a six pointed star, so makes sense that awakening would use six items. And that a "wild" awakening wouldn't need an element of nature

“My mom made Effy on the day I was born. She said if I wasn’t satisfactory as a daughter, Effy would drag out my guts, put them inside herself, take my blood and skin to seal up the doll joints, and replace me.”

WHAT THE FUCK. and this is the woman teaching a workshop right now

I awoke on my own, secretly, then I talked to Effy, and neither of us were sure if my mom would keep me or Effy. So we agreed she’d be my familiar. That way my mom would have to keep us both or destroy us both.

this is fucked up but sweet. binding yourself permanently to the being made to replace you, so that neither of you is disposable... I want an interlude from her perspective

“There is a third type of practitioner-familiar bond. Not the master, not the partner, but the subservient. The familiar as an Other, and you as its slave or servant.”

I'd be interested in seeing a consensual mutual familiar bond where the familiar is more powerful. We've seen in Pact that a bond unbalanced in the other way can still be healthy

It was weird that Verona, for once, was super worked up about stuff having to do with the case, if it could be called that. Except Verona seemed worked up about a bunch of stuff. Bouncy and hyper and… And happy?

feels bad that happy registers as unusual

But Brie asked questions online before Zed found her, and my would-be successor, who I’m being careful not to name, found one of those dangling threads. He thinks the silence and secrecy is mine, to my own ends, and anything reasonable I could try to use to deter him would only encourage, instead.

not sure how much I believe Alexander here. Getting the Kennet Trio to misguidedly act in his defense seems like a move he'd make. But if this is correct, that could be a serious problem. The better they are at deflecting Bristow, likely the more he thinks its Alexander

Every dealing with him felt like you were at a disadvantage, and felt like you were losing a bit. And before you knew it, a whole war had happened and you’d lost too many of the battles.

Thinking a bit about how power is not necessarily the ability to win a confrontation, but the ability to set the terms of that confrontation to begin. To pick conditions and setting favorable to you, but also to pick and choose your battles, to set stakes you can handle but the other party can't, to offer terms they can't afford to back away from. Also, on another level, the ability to determine who gets the opportunity to make a challenge, whose demands are even heard or listened to, what issues matter enough to oppose each other over.

We saw this back in Nicolette's interlude, where Alexander creates an environment that pressures her, so that he has more opportunities to intervene and she has less resources to draw on. Then waits for moments where he can offer something she wants, or give aid she desperately needs, all at little personal cost.

#booksandchainmail reads pale #pale #wildbow

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midnighteloquence · 2 months ago

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den

…

im gonna kms

this hasnt been saved

for the THIRD FUCKING TIME

okay lets do it again i guess fucking bitch i had such good writing in here

heres my code names up to date i guess 🙄

(leaving A out til the end :3)

Friend B: i will never have anything negative to say about her. shes literally in the top three list of people i love. shes the reason im still here. shes my day oner frfr. im so glad she pointed out my bag that one day two years ago, because idk where i’d be if i wasnt her friend. being friends with her has brought me so many other people, so much of my personal development, and in general shes just amazing. not to mention shes so pretty. she makes school actually bearable. in the morning i’ll be pissed off about waking up and she’ll pick a crane fly off the wall or smth and my mood is immediately lifted. i love her with my whole heart

Friend C: oh boy where do i start

the main subject of this rant blog. every other rant on this blog is about him. i will admit that there was a time i liked him. but that was before we even knew each other. it all started going wrong when we became friends.

i admired them because in my eyes they seemed cool. we shared similar “alternative” interests, and they had so many stories to share. but now? i wish i could stop myself from being their friend. i hate their guts, i admit that, but maybe theres a different universe out there where i could like them. where they didnt hug me non consensually, or verbally attacked me as a “joke” (because of how much they love me 🥺), or made sexual jokes about me, or would ask repeatedly for things instead of accepting i said no, or lied pathologically, or did anything of the sort. but thats not this universe, and so in this one i can have and express that i dont like them and theyre a terrible human being. i hope you burn, but i also used to like you.

got melodramatic there whoopsies

Friend D: i admired them alongside C. ironic how admiring people from afar caused them to be terrible people. i hadnt noticed D’s red flags until a couple weeks ago, where i was properly educated, and now im pissed off. theyre scum to me. not in degrading way, theyre a genuine terrible human being. which is such a pity since they seemed like such a reasonable person. did not seem like the typa person to do these typa things (i have a rant here explaining). oh well, ill live. i barely talked to them anyways. theyll stick to thinking theyre not the problem, and ill stick to ranting about them in my tumblr posts.

Friend E: blast from the past wowoowowowowowiw

i was close to them like last year summer, but dropped them ages ago this year. i had my reasons, and obviously made sure that i told them my reasons instead of just leaving because i knew that was the right thing. tbh? idr what half of those reasons were. im sure most were reasonable, but also i was extremely petty back then. nowadays i dont rlly care for them. im neutral. like if they chatted to me i would be fine with it and chat back, but i dont wanna be their friend. and its fine because they understand that and dont wanna be mine either. its the first breakup (friend breakup) ive had that ends with communication instead of leaving on read.

Friend F: yippee some positive sprinkle in yo life! i dont talk to her often but shes so cool and admirable as a human being and generally really bubbly and fun. shes the reason i ever found out im autistic! which thank you for that. they dropped D for their mental health and that’s soooo admirable and respectable of them. i admire them from afar and wish we talked more. even if we arent in the same friend group anymore, i still think theyre neat!

And finally…

Friend A: a bitch /j

okay okay for serious they are the reason im alive. im not exaggerating when i say you saved me. youre an actual angel (if not a wholeass goddess) sorry im dumping a “if not for you id be dead!” thing whoops. NEWays she makes my life and school life so much better and is so entertaining to talk to. not to mention pretty like??? im going to actually confess here and now that there were a couple times i needed you to repeat what you said because all i was thinking about is “how can someone be this pretty?” /gen /ily /p

bulleting holes- points because you did so >:3

the most creative mf on the planet when it comes to plotlines, lore, character designs. AND THEN YOU STILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE MORE PLOTLINES AND CHARACTERS???? insane dude

your make actual schedules which is maddening considering i cant even think of what im having for dinner

pretty…

hilarious because why you got me giggling and kicking my feet at your texts

CAN SOMEHOW PUT UP WITH ME YAPPING

super duper duper passionate about interests >:3

distance

science is so boring without you come back…

your remarks are so funny man like genuinely how do you come up with stuff like that on the spot

i lovevevevvrvevevevvevevvevec your clothing style ahhhh im gonna steal your clothes

i love you

thats a bullet point

ily man never forget 🤙

I think thats it! (i excluded mario, friend 1 & 2 because cba)

bye bye if tumblr doesnt save this im loading a glock

#rant post #rant #ye

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anakinskywalkerog · 1 year ago

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omg oli hiii! no worries at all hehe, i was sorta worried because of the oli drought lol

actually me and eli broke up like last week lmao. my friend was the one who suggested it - he was like, "dude. you dont seem interested in your relationship at all anymore. hes dating you thinking you still like him, which is unfair. i genuinely think you like han more than eli at this point; if what you said about getting the feeling of him not really keeping to himself is true, then break up, for both of your sakes."

so i did 🤷‍♀️

but yes i love 'I Can See You', all of the vault tracks are so good! foolish one was written for me lolol. and timeless is so perfect. "in the 1500s in a foreign land"??? ma'am, queen taylor has slayed again. or should i say, queen slaylor?

lmao i agree with the seasoning part. existence is too boring indeed. although i disagree with using the crush thingy. i don't REALLY like him, sort of just an attraction. in fact its over too lol. he texted me and we talked for a little bit and everything has gone back to how it was before anything turned up 💀 i get the ick quite easily

oh no! im sorry! im sure it will, but in the meantine, if you ever need, i'm always here :)

he did lmao! it took a lot of begging, and a lot of flat out refusal ("i cant write that! thats objectification! "consensual objectification!" "... no way i can do that. id be scarred." "its fine just do just do it pleaaaaase!" "lmao i cannot write smut about you both, thats too far, even for me, canberry." "...what about all of the smut you read then-") (not sure what gave him that impression but i am a college student, what am i, mary jane? i could, but i wont 🤭) cranberry asked after i wrote a sort of drabble for his friend (who also asked, but he gives highkey gay vibes lol. he and his gym bro and both crazy) back in january, but i flat out refused. and then something my friend posted on her story after one of our finals made me go "... no way, but i actually have a great idea"

ergo it happened!

but its definitely platonic lolol im sort of their only friend with such *amazing* writing skills ;) their exact words were "but youre the only person we know who writes fanfiction, please please please"

lmao i have no clue, just being crazy with their boys i guess lol.

hopefully! definitely did not seem that way from his messages, but maybe im wrong. ill give it a couple of months? plus, i have not been blocked, or removed from his stories, and he did enjoy reading it (bros was laughing so hard he couldnt even read)

lmaooo me too! we would be so iconic. feel free to drama dump anytime lmaoo. i am officially a *tumblr user who gets asks* (proud smiling) hehe 😈

i also cooked my own curry for the first time today hehe that was interesting

lmao i will try, thank you for the tip <3

love, sythe <3

sorry it took me so long to reply, sythe!!

1) don’t be worried about oli droughts, I just get busy but everything is fine!

2) sorry to hear about eli 😭 damn. but also rip and thank u next, you know what I’m sayin

3) foolish one was written for all us tumblr girlies!! lololol. but also, you don’t have to have a CRUSH just to have a lil crush. like, just a lil makin eyes on occasion makes life less boring hehe

4) truly CANNOT imagine anyone in my real life asking me to write them fanfic let alone a BOY let alone SMUT that is a crazy story

🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡 (ps have you watched Ahsoka yet)

#answered asks

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lilyliveredlittlerichboy · 2 years ago

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cw emotional/psychological abuse (im ok dw just. more reflecting)

ive been rereading my journal and got to the bit where im dissecting my exs callout post about me. looking back its kinda hilarious cus if you have the tiniest ounce of critical thinking skills, youll immediatley see that he contradicted himself several times in his own post and his ridiculous assertions just get better with age. heres some highlights

calling himself a “kid” at 23 while slagging me off voraciously for stuff that i did at 22 and 23, 4+ years before this callout post and some of it before he even met me

making a huge deal about a 19 & 23 (up to 23 & 27) age gap like its pedophilia lol

accusing me of ableism in literally the same sentence as dunking on me for my autism symptoms, then doing it again several times more in the next paragraph, like blatant ableism in the same breath as accusing me of ableism, sure thing hon

misrepresenting events where he deliberately provoked me, leaving out important information and saying I was “playing the victim” cus i told people that the two (2!!) incidents of alleged “abuse” were in direct response to some particularly nasty shit hed been throwing at me

accusing me of making him homeless when i literally saved him from homelessness several times

accusing me of manipulating him to be polyamorous when he was literally dating someone else when we got together lmao (as was I & we were all fully aware, just like in a regular consensual polyamorous situation) (iirc he also had a side fuck that his partner didnt know about so really doing great monogamy there, being manipulated into evil polyamory by evil me)

accusing me of cheating when i told them i was dating someone, who they fully well knew i was getting close to and wanting to date, who they told me was okay if I wanted to date them. they forced me to break up with that person and apologise over months, agreeing at one point that it wasn’t actually cheating, but then conveniently it was cheating again whenever he needed something to hold against me

anyway ive still not fully recovered from being used up quite thoroughly and emotionally abused and gaslit and accused of the worst kinds of things because after years of torment I snapped a couple times. I still find it in my mind sometimes to miss him and wanna reach out and then I remember how it felt to be with him and then how it felt to *not* be with him and how it felt to be punished for not being with him, and then to be punished just for existing, i guess. being accused of punishing him when i was having emotional reactions or tried to distance myself cus being around him made me want to kermit. funny how thats his choice of words as well and how being with him changed me fundamentally and i am still very much working on undoing the damage, i suspect it will take a long while. meanwhile hes prancing around in la and probably has forgtten completely that i even exist. which is wild considering he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me for so fucking long. its my fault also because i let him, but i was young and stupid, (in his words) just a kid at 23.

he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me - and I let him; when you put it like that, it’s absolutely no wonder it blew up completely in our faces. And as the older one and the supposedly more experienced one, I guess it would have been on me to not let him put all that on me. I didn’t know much at the time though, pretty sure I didn’t even know what boundaries were (much less how to set, communicate and enforce them). But also I was interested in him and wanted to get closer and I think even then I knew that if I failed to give him whatever tf he wanted, he would just leave and probably call me toxic. Idk why it ever seemed like a good idea to get close to him. I just dont know anymore but I guess I did learn a lot from that relationship. Including not to let people like that get that fucking close to me again.

#i need a tag for my own rambles #abuse cw #emotional abuse cw #suicidal ideation cw #this is not a fun read #sorry #u rly dont have to read it

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addzpdf · 2 years ago

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bnha chapter 362 has emotionally scarred me and i don't think i'll really recover from this. ever. so, major spoilers for bnha 362 under the cut, because i have thoughts, and i decided to not confine them to my friend's dms for once.

from a person who was a bakugo hater from the beginning of bnha to the sports festival arc, where i began to appreciate his character a little more, to eventually becoming a bakugo lover because i genuinely think he's one of the best written characters, i am d e v a s t a t e d.

i have a track record of liking characters that usually end up dead later on in the series, and this usually ranges from villains to protags to just side characters, and i think this is the most pain/surprise i've felt at one.

bakugo dying was honestly was one of the biggest plot twists ive seen horikoshi execute, because i genuinely do not think anyone expected it? i have never once seen a "bakugo dying" theory, although i'm sure some (or many) exist. whenever i thought of the ending of bnha, i always expected bakugo to be there at the end with deku (which i think was the general consensus of the fandom as well), and it was honestly shocking to see that image shattered by this chapter.

ofc, im saying all of this on the assumption that he's permanently dead, and with no malicious intent or hate to horikoshi for his decision - funnily enough, my favourite character dying is exactly what's gotten me back into actively wanting to keep up with the final arc, especially since my other favourite characters, dabi and todoroki, had what i considered an underwhelming face off (but i still think there's more to come on that front, or, at least, i hope.)

i also think the circumstances around bakugo's death were extremely sad.

his last thoughts were him wondering if he would ever catch up to deku, and that honestly broke my heart. i, personally, never paid much thought to how inferior (?) he had felt to deku in terms of their standing with all might, quirks wise, etc, after their conversation at ground zero that time (which is easily one of my favourite scenes in the whole show). the spotlight kind of faded away from that and onto other things and povs, so i kind of just assumed it was done and over with. bakugo was atoning, trying his best to help deku, cared for him in his own way, and it felt like he was growing and had become a lot more sure of himself, which is he had, and always had been in himself.

after all, this is the kid who went into that sports festival saying he would place first and actually did it.

it's even worse when i realised that bakugo nearly died, and then actually died, to the one person who technically saw him as nothing more than midoriya's best friend - he died to the one person in who's eyes he was never out of his friend's shadow.

but to a lot of other people, he hadn't been in midoriya's shadow. all might may have seen them as a package deal, and also focused more on midoriya for obvious reasons, but i doubt he ever considered bakugo to be secondary or inferior to midoriya. bakugo made himself known and was acknowledged by all of his peers as his own person.

he also had great mentors, like jeanist, who clearly cared for the boy and also acknowledged him as his own person with his own personality, techniques, dreams and goals.

personally, the most heartbreaking acknowledgement was aizawa screaming for someone to save bakugo so that he could become the number one hero in the future (chpt. 360, i think). i think i broke at that point, before bakugo even died.

bakugo had confidence in himself, but perhaps it was fragile when it came to this, and ofc i doubt he had much time to focus on himself aside from training and fighting, seeing as there was a war going on. maybe hearing it from shigaraki just made him wonder again.

i also think the whole sun eater pov in the previous chapter was quite nice to read. and then i got hit with the bakugo dying one chapter later, and that's when it really sunk in that that they were just kids, and even then it's just slightly older kids (the ua big three) fighting to save this one kid who's on the verge of death.

and, well, now bakugo isn't getting a graduation. lol, but like, in pain.

i, do, however, hold out hope for a comeback, possibly soon. not an entire revival, but aside from the "nitroglycerin has revival properties" theories, bakugo was interrupted in the middle of very explosive moves and combos, twice, by shigaraki. i don't think that won't have consequences, and i can only pray that he has an impact even after he's passed on.

in that way, i also felt like i should have expected bakugo to die, but i didn't. in a way, it makes sense. he's one of the main characters who's powerful and impactful emotionally to both the readers and the characters. his conflict with deku just ended, and they reconciled. bakugo gave his apology to deku, and had been atoning for ages before. we didn't get many panels or much spotlight on him after the vigilante arc, and the second we did, i should've seen it coming.

he's been extremely well written and gone through several arcs of character development - and, well, i don't think there's a lot more hori could have done with him, but i think everything is fine if he'd continued being a character just existing with the amount of development he did go through. like, it's alright to stagnate at that point, if that makes sense.

(sighs heavily) honestly, maybe me liking a character is a curse that immediately kills them /j

speaking of them just be kids, though, i think this panel broke me entirely with no hope for resuscitation (like bakugo ahaha /j) :

he's just a kid. like. damn.

also, when we all expected bakugo to have a connection to the second user, i didn't think it'd be like this, and end up with him dying 😭.

and speaking of ofa users, im looking forward to seeing deku absolutely losing it.

i have no idea what the point of this very wordy post was. i guess the only conclusion is that user merakimegumi loves bakugo very much and is quite devastated at his death, but holds out some hope for a revival. i wouldn't even be mad if horikoshi brought him back (maybe storytelling wise, maybe, but i think i'd mostly just cry from relief).

anyways, i still have more thoughts but it's 5 am, i'm procrastinating something, and i'm not able to think quite clearly.

funnily enough, though, a lot of good things have happened after that chapter tho. like damn, bakugo died before bsd S4 released? that's kind of funny 😭 /j

welp, gn.

end.

#bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugo #bakugo katsuki #boku no hero academia #bnha #bnha manga #bnha manga spoilers #bnha 362 #mha #my hero academia #katsuki bakugo #bnha analysis #bakugo analysis #bnha theory #addz analyses

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