#im suffering anyways
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sighs. i have had so much free time because of my cut hours but its. still left me with nothing to do, since i have to save as much money as possible while looking for another job. so i sleep, wake up, look to see if there are any new job postings on indeed/linkedin/ziprecruit/monster/etc, dig farther into google for more sketchy job openings, think about what company sites i can check for direct jobs, check those sketchy 'surveys for money' sites,... and then i go back to sleep. because well. cant be hungry or waste money if ur asleep.
i just. im miserable. i have so much time but i cant even enjoy or use it because im going to start bleeding money i dont have soon. im fucking terrified of not being able to find a new job, of being stuck in this... dead end job. unable to get off this damn island. it makes me sick. so im bored and guilty and scared and i just gucking hate this!
im so fuckibg tired of living in this godforsaken world where you only deserve to live if you give up everything. honestly, i wish someone would just. fuckibg come beat me up. wish my parents had actually fucking hit me instead of just yelling and insults. wish i was missing limbs or brain fuction or just. anything. anything to get the world to see i cant function.
im an empty brained idiot. i dont have any passion or self. how am i suppose to live? id rather be a fucking shattered glass than an empty jar. but thats what i am.
god i just. how???? how????? how do people... live????? how do you create and make.... your brand or personality? i cant make any of that. im just here. breathing. not for any reason. thats how its always been. everytime i see jokes about what kind of 'weird kid' you were i want to cry. because ive never been fucking anything! i wasnt a horse girl or a cat girl or train person or dinosaur nut or a monster fan and never cared about Egypt or rome or didnt care for legos or cars or model building or WHATEVER. ive just! been here! with nothing! im not ANYTHING. i dont have hobbys. ive nev r had hobbies.
ive always been alone and empty. disconnected from the world. disconnected from the community. disconnected from everyone.
my life is nothing. has been nothing. just a waste of time and space. nothing to show but misery and anger. theres no escaping it. i wish i was an actual person instead of this empty sack of nothing.
get hobbies they say, thatll help, yeah surs. sure. hobbies. to store in my roach and rat infested house, where i hide away in a tiny room because its the only space i have that i can control. with the money that i dont have. alone. because im terrible at bonding with people. because why would any human wanna hang around me? and because i tire so fucking fast.
i just. i wish i was fucking dead. im tired of this stupid fucking world. thinking things might get bettrr jusy to have reality forced into my face. im a piece of garbage npc who would have been better never being born.
#ditto rants#i sleep so fucking much im so fu king bored but everything makes me feel guilty#i stare at job websites and try not to panic#i WISH SOMEONE WOULD JUSY#KILL ME#BREAK ME OR SNAP MY LEGS OR SOMETHING#SO THE WORLD WILL GET THAT IM FUCKIBG STUPUD AND USELESS#i dont m care give me cancer or covid ir hiv whatever#it doesnt matter#im suffering anyways#at least then the suffering will be more than just being empty#lolilololol i cant even cut myself cuz i hate pain#but fuck i wish i had the tolerance to hurt myself#i wish i could actually do it#shove a knife in my leg or whatever#so people would get it#but they wont and yhey dont#you dint hurt urself ur not disabled your fine your fine your fine#get up go work at McDonald's its all cool!#live every day for no reaso !#i wsnt to fucking die die die#instead ill just keep sleeping at staring at walls#loloil cant even watch dungeon meshi cuzim afraid itll get me hungry#still fat thou#cant have people care#slmtill fat and ugly and stupid
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I don't want to regret the way I lived
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#gojo satoru#nobara kugisaki#nanami kento#choso kamo#junpei yoshino#jjk leaks#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#this idea started as a 2 part series . then my braincells decided to spark and supplied 7 PAGES#'did you sleep hina' no#ws looking up mentally stable things like 'who has died in jjk' smh i love my hyperfixation media im sooooo glad so many ppl r DEAD#i *could* have included more ppl but i think this is a good crew. this is a yuuji emotional support crew#also Was gna include his grandpa final panel but i Did Not Want To#he is implied through th dialogue#side note i donot like how i cn see this scenario playing out . ..yuuji this isnt ur stop u r monopoly voice Just Visiting ok >:(#anyway I broke my own heart with this and ik i hyped it up a lot but i hope that its not just me...#hope i did not hype it up fr nothing and no one else finds it devastating :((((( that would b humbling in the worst way#pls ...join the happy party train.......i hate it here i suffered pls :<<<<#also !!!! colours in this !! i cooked i fear . adding th first bit of warm hitting yuuji's face after th first 2 panels....#ive never had that kind of experience while drawing before it was wild . painful ! but wild.#the whole transition from p 2->3 might b the most emotionally moving piece ive ever made to me#not 2 sing my own praises tho i will shut up ! i wil. nap
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"LOL this flip-flop wearing loser thinks he's gonna kick my ass and destroy my whole kingdom in the span of an afternoon. What an idiot"
I didn't intend for this to be a full comic, which is why it just kinda ends. Sowwy
#one piece#monkey d luffy#donquixote doflamingo#trafalgar law#i've been too nice to dofy so im gonna draw him suffering#dofy feels insulted and takes out his annoyance on the ptsd victim#also really loving trebol being the manipulator and then being like “hey this kid is alright!” then becoming the manipulated himself#him turning into a weird enabling father figure without ever intending to is great#but oda intentionally made him so gross an unappealing bc HE KNOWS he can get away with it bc the story is so good#and i hate him for it#anyway dressrosa's a good arc
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women should be sweaty in the garden and also touching each other. like if u agree 👍
‼️ cottage wives for @chernozemm ‼️
my commissions are open too !! <3
OKAY the vision for this was initially like this ^^ really cropped image of just their torsos so you couldnt see their faces and her Hand. but then i got carried away and its all there now!
i also got a lot of help for this from my artist besties (blows all of u a kiss) because i love second guessing myself. 7 + 9 = 14 yaknow. but sometimes this is good cus i did fix a lot of things. eg crowleys braids did NOT look this pretty until i redid it like 4 times. lmfao.
#good omens#cw suggestive#??? idk#aziraphale#crowley#verms stuff#verms go#shout out to the people who suffered through seeing the wip of this#because i couldnt keep it CONTAINED#anyways im only drawing women now#lol
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the thing is there's like, a point of oversaturation for everything, and it's why so many things get dropped after a few minutes. and we act like millennials or gen z kids "have short attention spans" but... that's not quite it. it's more like - we did like it. you just ruined it.
capitalism sees product A having moderate success, and then everything has to come out with their "own version" of product A (which is often exactly the same). and they dump extreme amounts of money and environmental waste into each horrible simulacrum they trot out each season.
now it's not just tiktokkers making videos; it's that instagram and even fucking tumblr both think you want live feeds and video-first programming. and it helps them, because videos are easier to sneak native ads into. the books coming out all have to have 78 buzzwords in them for SEO, or otherwise they don't get published. they are making a live-action remake of moana. i haven't googled it, but there's probably another marvel or starwars something coming out, no matter when you're reading this post.
and we are like "hi, this clone of project A completely misses the point of the original. it is soulless and colorless and miserable." and the company nods and says "yes totally. here is a different clone, but special." and we look at clone 2 and we say "nope, this one is still flat and bad, y'all" and they're like "no, totally, we hear you," and then they make another clone but this time it's, like, a joyless prequel. and by the time they've successfully rolled out "clone 89", the market is incredibly oversaturated, and the consumer is blamed because the company isn't turning a profit.
and like - take even something digital like the tumblr "live streaming" function i just mentioned. that has to take up server space and some amount of carbon footprint; just so this brokenass blue hellsite can roll out a feature that literally none of its userbase actually wants. the thing that's the kicker here: even something that doesn't have a physical production plant still impacts the environment.
and it all just feels like it's rolling out of control because like, you watch companies pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into a remake of a remake of something nobody wants anymore and you're like, not able to afford eggs anymore. and you tell the company that really what you want is a good story about survival and they say "okay so you mean a YA white protagonist has some kind of 'spicy' love triangle" and you're like - hey man i think you're misunderstanding the point of storytelling but they've already printed 76 versions of "city of blood and magic" and "queen of diamond rule" and spent literally millions of dollars on the movie "Candy Crush Killer: Coming to Eat You".
it's like being stuck in a room with a clown that keeps telling the same joke over and over but it's worse every time. and that would be fine but he keeps fucking charging you 6.99. and you keep being like "no, i know it made me laugh the first time, but that's because it was different and new" and the clown is just aggressively sitting there saying "well! plenty of people like my jokes! the reason you're bored of this is because maybe there's something wrong with you!"
#this was much longer i had to cut it down for legibility#but i do want to say i am aware this post doesnt touch on human rights violations as a result of fast fashion#that is because it deserves its own post with a completely different tone#i am an environmental educator#so that's what i know the most about. it wouldn't be appropriate of me to mention off-hand the real and legitimate suffering#that people are going through#without doing my research and providing real ways to help#this is a vent post about a thing i'm watching happen; not a call to action. it would be INCREDIBLY demeaning#to all those affected by the fast fashion industry to pretend that a post like this could speak to their suffering#unfortunately one of the horrible things about latestage capitalism as an activist is that SO many things are linked to this#and i WANT to talk about all of them but it would be a book in its own right. in fact there ARE books about each level of this#and i encourage you to seek them out and read them!!! i am not an expert on that i am just a person on tumblr doing my favorite activity#(complaining)#and it's like - this is the individual versus the industry problem again right because im blaming myself#for being an expert on environmental disaster (which is fucking important) but not knowing EVERYTHING about fast fashion#i'm blaming myself for not covering the many layers of this incredibly complicated problem im pointing out#rather than being like. yeah so actually the fault here lies with the billion dollar industries actually.#my failure to be able to condense an incredibly immense problem that is BOOK-LENGTH into a single text post that i post for free#is not in ANY fucking way the same amount of harm as. you know. the ACTUAL COMPANIES doing this ACTUAL THING for ACTUAL MONEY.#anyway im gonna go donate money while i'm thinking about it. maybe you can too. we can both just agree - well i fuckin tried didn't i#which is more than their CEOs can say
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sorry guys they finally showed me peak fiction . Its called “phantom of the paradise”
#phantom of the paradise#potp#winslow leach#swan potp#nightmaretheater#these were all done on the same canvas and i spent over 20 hours on it. Its just that good you know#Sorry this movie is making me VICIOUSLY IRREGULAR. its just that good. You have to watch it Now#i hope you dont mind the billion belts i have gifted winslow. she deserves them#lalalalal i love redesigning characters a little teeny weeny bit#Honestly. I want to draw swan more. I hate him so much but hes like really interesting. Im going to put him in situations#I miiight have changed a few details . giggle#…:i just had to give him a cool mark & blonde eyelashes Giggles#anyways i love ur shiny metal teeth winslow *thinks about the metaphorical implications and dehumanization for 10 hours*#So hard to draw her helmet sometimes… But i will willingly struggle . It is Okay!#anyways. Watch this movie now or suffer my curse
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part 3 to my modern AU 💞🍺 (part 1 / part 2)
#u just know seb ended up carrying her home in the end anyway BAHHA if u read my fic u already know im weak for bridal carries#fun fact the blurred party backgrounds i used are screenshots from diary of a wimpy kid rodrick rules. aka the pinnacle of cinema#and its only fitting since i base my modern seb very largely on rodrick bc I STILL HAVE A CRUSH ON RODRICK...rodrick heffley my beloved#yall also already know i love guard dog seb (especially combined with drunk clora BAHAH) so ofc i had to do the modern au ver#i just make clora the type of drunk i am... aka drunk after 2 and sometimes even 1 drink and then i get super affectionate with everyone#which would make seb seethe if it were clora BAHAHAH omg i love imagining his suffering😇😍😍#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian x mc#clora clemons#also wahhh i can feel my HL brainrot fading a bit...🥲probs bc my fic is now complete... might make a post abt it soon#im not ready to let go😭😤#choccyart
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you motherfuckers have no concept of what "land back" or "decolonize" even mean. you're too busy demonizing entire groups of people, terrified, shitting yourselves, that they'll do even half of the horrors to you that you've done to them for decades or centuries. this shit comes off as hella racist for real. you hate arabs so much. you hate first nations people so much. you hate black people so much. even if you sympathize with them, you can't fucking bear the idea of them gaining freedom, independence, autonomy, safety, because you're so, so scared they'll hurt you back and cause chaos in the streets. these same people who just want to rebuild. who just want to go home. who just want to see their families again. who just want food. who just want medical care. who just want dry, warm shelter. you're so focused on the ideas of colonization, of "us vs. them", of one people displacing the other for a state to exist, that you cannot comprehend coexistence, and your only idea of peace is if an entire group of people were just gone and dead.
grow the fuck up. for the love of GOD, grow the fuck up.
#eli talks#rant#i just watched a video shared by someone i'd been following a while denying the genocide occuring in gaza entirely#are you kidding. are you fucking kidding me.#the video was trying to run with the idea that “from the river to the sea” means jewish people will be expelled from the region#no the fuck it does not you stupid motherfucker that's NOT what decolonization is#anyway. land back. decolonize. from the river to the sea. peace and love on planet earth.#stop razing olive trees. stop scorching the earth. stop bombing hospitals and schools. stop destroying the sea.#if i have to see another palestinian child undergo anesthesia-free amputation im going to start being physically fucking violent#if i have to see another mother with blood on her hands wailing and begging for her child to come back im going to start burning shit#one day all the people of palestine will be free. muslims and jews and christians and all and none.#one day all the people of sudan will be free. all the people in the congo will be free. all the peoples in the americas will be free.#and all the other occupied places suffering genocides and ethnic cleansings that the news neglects to mention. theyll be free too.
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pvp civ nation...... this aint much but pls take my contribution for this series bc im going insane i love hate this man so much get him out of my head
#senart#pvp civilization#pvp civ#I'LL MAKE A PROPER ONE I SWEARR I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MYSYSTEM FIRST#if it turns out he gets a bad ending in ep 6 i dont think i'll be ok like#he deserves a good ending . or a villain arc at least. he deserves to go batshit crazy after how everyone treated him#ALSOO the chekovs gun video journal device thing?? The excessive 4th wall breaking?#Is it just me or does jt feel like evbo is gonna lose his memory/already lost his memory and was sent to the wood sword lvl with tabi#or like . Idk?? It feels kind of truman show ish. Well maybe not that but its just the vibe im getting w the way that everyone has their-#-own secrets. How the diamond swords seems to know who evbo n tabi is. How princezam knows about the diamond swords#and then theres also parrot whos just?? Weird overall?? Idk whats going on w him but i need to know his backstory wdym u think evbo will-#-hate you if he knows what you did??#ANYWAY BACK TO THE VIDEO JOURNAL AND POTENTIAL MEMORY LOSS.#I dont want jt to go that way (mostly bc i dont want to see evbo suffer more than he already did) but it rlly does seem like its heading to#that direction w the way that it also has become a way to narrate what he went through (ie when the ep shows his attempts to beat the-#gold sword lvl but hes narrating it from the future. from his video journal. where he already beat the lvl)#im going insane#Wait also what i meant by the truman show vibe in relation to the excessive 4th wall breaks it makes it sound like pvp civ is just a -#simulation#wait i just remembered its the matrix not that mb umm#anyways.#empty chattering
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why does life keep forcing kristen to see herself die again (cassandra) and again (buddy dawn) and again (K2) why must she watch reflections of herself shatter before her and why does it always fall on her shoulders to bring them back, is it life telling her that she must fix something withtin herself to truly move on? is it life telling her that she will forever be broken? what does life gain from breaking down this little child, not only in death but also in living reflection, why show her nara, happy and flourishing and loved by her ex lover, "she is you with money" nara who is reliable and dependable and put together. why show her bucky? small and fragile and alone after she left him because she had to? bucky, her own flesh and blood the closest of the reflections to her, standing exactly where she stood a few years ago..why
and i know in my heart she will never talk about this and i know it will never be said or mentioned by anyone but i often just sit there and think about her little tortured soul and wonder why is life so adamant about beating her down.
#kristen applebees#why must u suffer#yet remain full of love and kindness?#anyways im fine and normal#d20#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhjy#Fantasy high junior year
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launching a rescue mission!
from utilities included, ch. 8
masterpost
#one piece#sanji#zoro#zosan#nami#usopp#helmeppo#koby#bartolomeo#other ppl but theyre just cameos#utilities included#DONT draw crowds. i suffered. i cannot explain. i didnt even detail that many crowd ppl but i was fighting for my life the whole time#blood sweat and tears. ill be complaining about this one for a while#BUT. IM SO HAPPY WITH IT?!#shoutout to emmie for helping me with the barto pose#and shoutout to bege for bringing a whole infant to a rager. my favorite detail that i added to please myself#anyway i learned i love drawing koby and barto
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“If there is anyone here, who were to finish the job—put me down….i remember thinking: I hope it’s Seedling. I hope it’s Orym.”
#LIKE#YALL PLS IM SOBBING#CATCH UP ON CRIT ROLE I thought ITLL BE FINE#just!!!!#the trust Laudna has that Orym would be kind to her in death#that he could do “what needs to be done#and that’s what Keyleth said to Orym too wrt to killing the Bells Hells if they turned against the rest#I just#pls let this man rest#and Laudna! ugh the quiet way she suffers and holds her pain close#sacrifices herself to power to be able to protect Imogen#anyways#I will not recover#my art#artist of tumblr#tumblr artist#fanart#colored pencils#sketchbook#critical role fanart#cr fanart#critical role#bells hells#orym of the air ashari#cr orym#cr laudna#laudna#c3 ep 102#is it a spoiler if I’m behind?#gonna say no
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domain expansion
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#itadori yuuji#fanart#jjk fanart#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk leaks#jjk 264#yuuji#help she entered a fugue state and finished a painting in 7 hours again#I still wish with all my heart that wed gotten megumi but HOLDS UP YUUJI THATS MY BOYYYYYYY#god his face is Messed Up i feel so bad#but i do think this is how ill go about drawing the injuries from now on :'>#just a Mess of flesh tones on that boy :((((( maybe shoko can kiss it better#anyway towards the end of drawing this my llsif pilled brain supplied 'domain expansion: happy party train' and i think its a keeper#yuuji if u havent picked a name yet pls consider thank u <3#a train station tho......as much of a vibe as it is i SUFFERED#the high ceilings full of pipework...the parallel lines....thank god i make the rules and dont actually have to detail it all#i love u vague lines that convey Essence Of Room#i think it works !!! i feel like im waiting fr a train n watching time slow around me as the lights stretch#btw the rake brush is SO good fr making lil bits of stretched light like u r squinting . i love it i have fun#anyway enjoy !!! him!!!! we r truly in yuuji kaisen i never Once doubted my boy
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I finally watched Good Omens and I love it
#LIKE I REMEMBER 4 YEARS AGO SEEING SO MANY POSTS ON MY DASHBOARD#I NEVER GOT SPOILED BUT IM SO GLAD I WAITED#I WOULD HAVE SUFFERED SO MUCH WAITING ALL THOSE YEARS FOR SEASON 2#anyway#good omens#good omens fanart#crowley#aziraphale
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everyone thinks it's so cute when you want to redraw your ship as the princess mononoke blade to the throat scene or the utena chest sword but when you say you want to recreate this anime moment with them nobody wants to hear it
#🐉#even though all three are about how sometimes human connection demands you to endure and reach out through suffering!#how we are disgusting and we hurt each other but those are the risks of intimacy! it requires vulnerability! and sometimes that hurts!#anyway needless to say im thinking about VALshrue again
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hi. rant about ybcpatrick at me. idk if I have any pertinent thoughts right now but I love angst so here's a thought: how much pain do you think he's in. just... constantly? like. he got sliced and diced. not just the hand, though that must be awful, but all his organs??? guy must be in agony whenever he gets enough of a breather to be aware of it
God he has to constantly be in agony. there's no way he ISNT in pain. he realistically shouldn't be alive or running around in any capacity like he is so I'm assuming there's something supernatural involved to keep him from dying. but he is definitely suffering. my personal headcanon is that while he's brainwashed he is so focused on his mission he just ignores the pain until his job is complete, which is kind of why he breaks down when he finally dies. his mission is complete. he protected the briefcase. also we do not talk about how the ybc lasts for at the very least a week and how after young volcanos none of them eat or drink water (im going to assume since they took the time to get cleaned up, Andy and pete did get something to eat or drink in between death valley and rat a tat). ESPECIALLY patrick. dude is running around for DAYS heavily almost fatally injured with no food or water. the amount of suffering he is in is probably SO severe. genuinely it's a miracle he didn't die from his injuries/condition alone in miss missing you. maybe he couldn't die until his job was complete.
#i have so many things to say about patricks suffering in ybc and how it dehumanized him on so many levels#ybc au where pete manages to get him back to normal in miss missing you but patrick fucking dies anyway because he is so fucked up#fall out boy#fob#ybcpatrick the guy ever#im not asking youre not telling#youngblood chronicles
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