#im still very certain of this lol
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need to cling to someones arm for a feeling of safety
#i did this in my dream last night and then just now i had flashbacks about doing this as a kid. and the way my trust was destroyed#and the way i never got to feel safe like this again lol.#the most recent person whose arm i held on to ended up really badly triggering me#shortly after in a different context#and before that i was rejected#by someone who was otherwise comfortable with affection but Not In Public because People Would Get The Wrong Idea About Us#and then before that it was someone who would hardly ever even let me stand that close to him#he would just shake me off lol#i can't believe i put up with him at all. but also i guess it was because i learned a ton more from him that i ever did from my dad so#i had my reasons#anyway my entire body is like screaming for someone to coregulate with and i just. don't have anyone right now .#im glad that im open to even wanting to do that though. progress.#/ᐠ 🝦 ﻌ 🝦マ#anyway trust is fake#im still very certain of this lol#im coming around to thinking maaaybe there's something. some way to conceptualise it where it starts to make sense.#like if trust means having enough evidence to believe that if current patterns are not hugely disturbed then it can be expected that#a given person will continue to be safe#i could see that making some kind of sense
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How I (roughly) imagine this scale:
1- I see myself as a faster reader than the average person. I can breeze through a text quickly and still understand almost all of it
2- I read at a "normal" speed. I need to pace myself but can consistently read and comprehend a text in a reasonable time frame
3- I see myself as a slower reader than other people. It takes me a long time to get through a text and if I try to go too fast I won't understand it
Obviously this can vary by your mood, the type of text, etc. and this is a very imprecise scale with some overlap, I'm just casually curious!!
#i consider myself a sloooowwww reader#i dont really track it when reading for pleasure#but when im reading something dense like a political theory text i've realized i can only read 6 or 7 pages an hour (give or take)#in order for me to feel like im actually Getting It i need to stop and annotate while i read and also frequently re-read certain passages#this is on my mind because im reading a book for my thesis prepping for the semester and it is a slog for me#it's very interesting but i have to break it up into 45-60 minute chunks with breaks or else i'll go insane because of how long it takes me#it took me 4.5 hours to read 30 pages im not sure that's normal hahahahaaaaa#when i read for pleasure it's still slow i just dont have a stat lol
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I'll be honest gang if u aren't reading IT with the understanding that it's about childhood trauma and how it shapes u as an adult and prevents u from becoming a fully functioning, independent, balanced individual then we aren't reading the same book
#mayeb its just bc i have a laundry list of extensive childhood trauma but idk#listening to this podcast where these 2 guys r reading it (one has before#one hasnt) and im p sure both of them have said they had fairly stable and normal childhoods and its like. theres certain parts#where when they talk abt it im like ur missing the very obvious explaination behind literally everything here. its just trauma#this is all jist trauma man#idk maybe im wrong here. i dont think i am but still.#even if i am tho we still aint reading rhe same book lol#IT 1986#IT Stephen King#spam brain
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happy 8 years
i will transform so i don't die
#my art#undertale#chara dreemurr#am a bit bereft of things to say lol sorry. usually this is where i have a whole diatribe to go off on#i didn't feel like celebrating very much this year so the artwork i made isnt very celebratory#but it was always the sad and futile parts of the story that made me feel the most when i was a kid . so#it's maybe truer to the spirit of my love for this game than any of the cutesy celebration drawings ive done over the years#um . as it was and still is. my heart lives where this story is#if i hadn't played it when i was a kid i don't know if i would have made it this far. im actually almost certain i wouldnt have#sometimes its hard to be thankful for that but i make myself be thankful lol.#so dramatic rofl. well it's just what i was thinking#thanks for being here everyone. i kind of like how this drawing turned out and i hope you will too
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happy mothers day to the best mom ever
bonus:
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza series#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#masumi arakawa#jo sawashiro#ichiban kasuga#mitsuo yasumura#snap sketches#someone remind me to draw mitsu again i been wanting to draw him since playing 7#but anyway happy mothers day :) inspo'd by that cutscene title yes of course it is#also inspired by my illness this week which i am certain is pollen induced im dying goku#i was gonna post a ficlet to go with this that'd include some extra bits but i spent all day drawing this i dont really have the time now#i guess i could still post it tomorrow or later tonight but w/e#despite this comic being very short im still finding issues with it.. lol... lmao even.. forcing myself to post it and be done with it tho#im gon be busy all week so please enjoy
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9in by 12in acrylic painting i did for my father in 2023, his favorite tarot card, the fool
#normally i dont like acrylic but this was a very fun project to do .... i think abt it often#still extremely proud of it n my dad has it hanging in his living room 😁#tarot#my art#also im almost certain it was 9x12. lol
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Does Al ever struggle with his weight / has he ever?
do u mean like, Self Worth wise or actual physical fluctuation wise? if the latter I do like drawing him at firm strongman peak since he's a farmhand but sometimes he isn't actively maintaining muscle so he's saggier (<- most of recent art of him) ....
as for the former I've never wanted to stray in that direction for fat characters, and any issues he has wrt self image (slim as he know's he's endearing and handsome) are more about how his overall size (big and tall) might be perceived as dangerous or a threat due to some formative and isolating events in his childhood, and less about it being focused on weight specifically ykwim. because otherwise he has no issues there ^_^
#skunk mail#Anonymous#he's imaginary bf no. 1 + while i love imagining like. reassuring partner about their attractiveness#it rly does feel strange to write a fat character focused on that...i wldnt want to write a fat character where there's an Air of#being fat being a bad thing ykwim#so instead he worries about being seen as a brute vs a gentle giant#to the point where he has trouble sticking up for himself in certain situations bc he doesn't want to be seen as Big Scary Violent Man#this is due to a childhood teacher singling him out and making an example out of him for being the biggest (height and weight) kid in the#class... but yeah otherwise no he's healthy and knows he's handsome and charming for the most part so there's no#negative feelings attached to his weight in that specific regard...if dis makes sense#and if i interpreted the question correctly LOL#oc text#its less aw im fat and i dont wanna be fat i want to be thin! :( and more i dont ever want to hurt#anyone but I have been made to think my size + stature can be very threatening and scary!#*spongebob flying ice cream truck* it wld still be fine even if he WASNT healthy but al specifically IS active which is why i said that#even if he wasnt then any arc wld involve bettering his health bt retaining his fatness bc again i dont want Fat = Some Way Bad in General#here
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also rb and say if you agree with me on any of these!
(i am so sorry if any of your favourite songs are on here, this is just my opinion!)
(i might make another of these polls with my favourite songs so i dont seem too negative lol)
#taylor swift#i am pretty certain on which one will win this poll#because of how beloved it is#all i can say is i am sorry but it was very very overplayed at my old job#and i just associate it with being verbally abused by the rich parents of private school kids whilst i serve them avocado toast#anyways#this is this weeks poll that is like kicking a hornets nest#its just fun making swiftie polls lol#anyways ive been listening to a lot of tswift recently so i have opinions about more of her songs now#i still dont know her whole discography#but of the stuff i do know these are the ones i just cant stand and have to skip#again#i am sorry#also sorry to all my anti-taylor followers#i like her music#but im not gonna become more involved in the fanbase than the occasional poll#do not fear
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i made that first piece 11/10/23, it's been 10 months since then, huh that's a bit freaky. Still on my beatrice-needs-to-be-drawn-in-armor-shit.
#tko_art#what can i say i love women in armor#line weight is insane tbh#don't wanna say too much tho cuz i'm not consciously making anything thicker or lighter i think#and I think it really just is the first one my pen size was just fucking huge#and I was less confident with facial anatomy#my eyebrows are still shit lol#i don't know how to draw eyebrows#i just chicken scratch#and fucking pray and u can tell lol#certain i drew the first one with two different pens#hahah horrifying#yeah still can't draw lips with confidence#i learned how to recently but haven't really been applying it lol#i started reading Artist's way#powered through the first 30 pages and then got sleeppy#very interesting tho im hoping to get into writing tbh#i have lots of stories I wanna write but i just get too frustrated with myself to put more words onto paper#hope this will help#also would like to get back into poetry#that'd be nice
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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im scared im gonna fail my exam on tuesday... ive never been scared of failing before lol. idk man ive just. barely been to class. and i have slacked so much which is honestly very much unlike me... please send thots and prayers
#i think i will pass but im not completely certain! which is a very weird position to be in! but the combination of barely attending class +#the lack of info online + you know. current events in the world feeling more important. i may not make it!#plus of course ive slacked more than probably ever. my anxiety meds may be too efficient. however i still have a feeling#that ill have a panic attack at the exam lol :-D
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"yes im so fine"
*researches whether i can get my hands on ipecac*
#tw ed#obligatory MASSIVE do not do this#straight up poison that can kill you from one (1) time#used to be used to induce vomiting#directly the cause of death of karen carpenter and countless others#i wont i swear i wont#but i still researched it bc i was curious#tbh there are easier ways of poisoing oneself than semi illegal drugs#also if yall remember the post about a poison i own: i did more reseach and while that amount would probably kill me w no medical#intervention; it would take just under three times as much to be absolutely certain of hitting the toxic dose (calculated quantity per kg#of the top end of a given range. so it could kill me but if i was gonna go out that way id want about three times as much to be sure.)#honestly surprised ive never heard of any deaths from it. the most likely way to survive would be to throw it up i think#(or present to hospital and take charcoal or smth)#honestly though. my research says loss of consciousness and required intubation within half an hour in case studies#hence if you werent in reach of medical attention youd probably collapse an die#and i am very deliberately NOT mentioning what it is bc of how toxic it is#ive thought of combining it and another method to be absolutely sure but eh#honestly if it DIDNT work it sounds straight up embarrassing to admit to people tho thats one of the things stopping me#but literally a dose in a child requiring intubation and kid ended up in a coma recovered w no ill effects.#thats the dream yk. try and succeed and youre free; try and fail and you see no ill effects.#but yeah i wouldnt try w only the amount i have.#so im safe#....rereading the above. okay i might be a little mentally ill lol#but i am safe and absolutely nobody call the cops on me.#im fine.#tw suicide#puddleglum hours#nobody worry abt me ok. im fine.#just thinking silly lil thoughts like usual :)#EDIT: just occurred to me that using this poison could make it not look like a suicide
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I know I’ve made other posts talking about or alluding to this but like. obviously there are like the old hollywood movies in the sort of dyke subtext canon (all about eve, rebecca, johnny guitar, etc) but like. there are so many movies that like 10 people have seen but I have such a clear gay vision or interpretation for it. most of them aren’t even GOOD. and yet!!
like the great lie is the one that haunts me the most (or the women but I think that one is kind of different for me perhaps bc I’ve already talked about it here a lot or perhaps bc I think of it as being more well known and watched than I think it actually is? actually it’s probably that I think it is an overall good and well executed and entertaining movie which isn’t really true of most of these tbh). but I also think a lot about like when ladies meet, or old acquaintance, or sadie mckee, or the shining hour, or the model and the marriage broker, or a woman’s secret, or the bigamist, or craig’s wife, or born to be bad, or separate tables, or even dark victory to a degree. others too certainly those are just the ones that come to mind. for half of these it’s not even like oh these women are gay together it’s just like hey I think she’s a lesbian. and I’m right. but my genius will never be fully appreciated in my day unfortunately.
#a woman’s secret has kind of been haunting me since I watched it like a week or so ago in that it’s literally got so many interesting#pieces and facets and I find so much of it very interesting but they just like really don’t dig in or come together so it’s enough that#I think about it and not remotely satisfying which I’m beginning to think is just how I feel about nicholas ray’s stuff. I don’t really#have a large sample but like born to be bad is not a movie that I think is good but it has like infected me somehow. which i did and still#do largely attribute to joantaine. but like idk. and also I wanted to like Johnny guitar and obviously there’s a lot of interesting stuff#in there to dissect it just… feels unsatisfying/like it doesn’t come together. idk what it is.#also like it is fully sampling bias that across the three I listed as noted subtext and then all the others I listed#there’s uh. 4 joan crawford movies 4 bette davis movies 3 joan fontaine movies#but it’s still really funny to me lmao… I will say how did I not list ANY babs movies… that can’t be right… I mean like night nurse#and ladies they talk about def have some gay moments and like. walk on the wild side exists lmao#but I wouldn’t really consider any of those to be consistent with the thing I’m trying to describe here lol#anyways. I think that’s enough rambling for now.#old hollywood#my post#also I would happily expand on my vision for any of these lmao. it’s just that I think it generally requires a certain familiarity with the#movie itself and. a lot of these I wouldn’t necessarily recommend? not that they’re all bad just like. not incredible idk#which kind of hinders this a bit. and now like I could give background provide clips etc but then that’s requiring a level of effort#that I’m not gonna spontaneously exert while sitting in bed Thinking. which is what this post is lmao. (‘that’s enough rambling for now’#I said several tags ago… a fact which I could easily change but shan’t.)#(edit of prior tags to say that I wrote the tags before mentioning the women in this post bc idk for a moment I lived in a world in which#everyone knew the women was about dykes. so anyways it’s now 5 joan movies 4 joantaine movies#which is neat. the sampling bias is also fun bc like yes 5 joan movies is a lot to mention but I’ve seen like 30 joan movies so.#of course there are other movies of hers where I would be calling her gay but like im less invested. joantaine is a lot funnier to me bc#I’ve only actually seen 7 joantaine movies. and like ok including the bigamist is admittedly wild given that my queer interpretation of it#is like. her and ida lupino who do not so much as meet in the film. but the extent to which I wish they did fuels me)
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btw I don’t know if this is a thing anyone is thinking about but I’m not gonna stop drawing Jimmy as a canary. It’s a lovely bird. It’s still something that’s been really important to his series. There’s no reason to drop the canary headcanon just cuz Lizzie fell into the void.
#warning: don’t open up these tags I went on a very heated and rather unrelated rant cuz I’ve been mad#trafficblr#life series#secret life spoilers#secret life smp#jimmy solidarity#also I’m sick of seeing ppl celebrate Jimmy surviving because they hate the canary curse fans like SHUT UP!!! LET US HAVE FUN GOD!!!#LIKE LITERALLY EVEN IF NOBODY CAME UP WITH THE CANARY METAPHOR WE WOULD STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW HES ALWAYS DYING OK WE DIDNT MAKE UP THAT#HE DIES FIRST HE JUST DOES. GOD. so what if some people make shakespeare sounding posts about the curse that I don’t understand. we are JUST#having fun and making connections where we don’t need to BECAUSE ITS FUN. NOT CUZ WE DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. sorry for the past few#days I’ve been genuinely mad at this fandom’s growing hatred towards its own community.#LIKE IM FINE IF ITS NOT YOUR THING BUT GOD. WE ARENT EVEN DOING ANYTHING 😭😭😭 THE LORE LITERALLY WRITES ITSELF OR IS WRITTEN BY MARTYN LOL#I’ve just been getting SO TILTED man. like ohhh yeah okay ur right i said too much guess I won’t say anything anymore#does anyone else genuinely not know wtf ppl are talking about when they say a certain hc takes over everything about the character#cuz I literally see so much varied Jimmy content yet I’ve seen several ppl complain that ppl ignore aspects of his character in favor of#WHATEVER when I literally don’t see that happening to him. step out of ur circle or something I don’t even HAVE a circle man
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i am very grateful that im not someone that has to deal with daily seizures but it is evil when it takes like a week and a half's worth of business days to recover from a seizure
#if i had them everyday or every other day i would be so fucked 😭#id like to say they dont bother me per se but the entire week after is laying in bed after 11 pm and wondering if jts going to happen again#bc my head feels like its about to explode#and then do not get me started on the fear of getting in the shower within the first few days of one happening .#reasonably i understand that my seizures happen from 11pm to maybe 3 am on average .#but ill have a seizure and then have to hype myself up for like 2 hours just to take one 3 days later st like 2 pm#my seizures do not interfere with my day to day life in extreme ways but existing knowing that i have them during a certain time frame is#like. Hey man can you grow up#also it is really funny being told theyre probably hormonal or stress related and should 'probably stop' as i get into my mid 20s .#Well im turning 25 next month and evidently i still have seizure activity in me#also also heres a fun fact: my epilepsy does not have an actual named diagnosis they just said i certainly have a Form of it ❤️#they dont know what causes them and i have no real warning signs (bc a headache =/= potential seizure)#they dont bother me but i do have to live with the knowledge that i could have one any day now and wake up to my mom asking me questions#hope everyone can tell i have a lot of feelings about my epilepsy despite not talking about it like ever ❤️#the only thing that really bothers me is the no warning signs. ive been perfectly fine and had them. ive had massive migraines when i was#unmedicated and didnt have one. very bizarre#and ofc all my brain scans come back normal all the time so they dgaf Lol
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Yeah you have a right to write that dead dove don't eat incest fanfic but I also have the equal right to throw tomatoes at you
#tw incest#based on prev#but yeah writing out my thoughts in tags#this is still a conversation im not solid on bc i like to deconstruct and ponder on shit#and like i do agree all fiction and media has the right to exist and be...a thing#itd be authoritarian not to by nature#but that also gives me the same right to side eye you and stay away from someone?#sorry if that sounds harsh#but ive been forming ideas around proship discourse#and i kinda dont care#but it IS interesting to sit down and ponder on#esp as someone is is very against authoritarian censorship (im a floridian lol) and im seeing the slipper effects of it#but also acknowledge that i just dont like certain things and thats okay???#idk dont stone me#proship discourse#i sound like a loser i should kms i have bigger fish to fry
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