#the most recent person whose arm i held on to ended up really badly triggering me
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need to cling to someones arm for a feeling of safety
#i did this in my dream last night and then just now i had flashbacks about doing this as a kid. and the way my trust was destroyed#and the way i never got to feel safe like this again lol.#the most recent person whose arm i held on to ended up really badly triggering me#shortly after in a different context#and before that i was rejected#by someone who was otherwise comfortable with affection but Not In Public because People Would Get The Wrong Idea About Us#and then before that it was someone who would hardly ever even let me stand that close to him#he would just shake me off lol#i can't believe i put up with him at all. but also i guess it was because i learned a ton more from him that i ever did from my dad so#i had my reasons#anyway my entire body is like screaming for someone to coregulate with and i just. don't have anyone right now .#im glad that im open to even wanting to do that though. progress.#/ᐠ 🝦 ﻌ 🝦マ#anyway trust is fake#im still very certain of this lol#im coming around to thinking maaaybe there's something. some way to conceptualise it where it starts to make sense.#like if trust means having enough evidence to believe that if current patterns are not hugely disturbed then it can be expected that#a given person will continue to be safe#i could see that making some kind of sense
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