#im still really sad too ugh
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I like Christmas time and something I've always wanted to do is make a big meal for people but it's not something my family would really do. I just want to organise a dinner, make stuff
#i guess im just sad and longing for it#i have whole plans too!#i want to make pandoro French toast#bake cookie boxes and make other gift boxes for people#ahhhhh!#also lack of money but it makes me happy do it anyway so ehhh#rambling#personal#im still really sad too ugh#also if anyone in the uk wants a cookie box I'll probably make you one#you gotta pay for shipping tho
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what if i got really into haikyuu again
#its back on netflix and ive been watching it#still as good as ever#i stopped watching it in high school when i stopped playing volleyball because it made me too sad but now im back...#back to my roots...#scared to draw oikawa again after so long#also cant focus on anything because of this fucking tinnitus that keeps getting worse wtf#anyway...oikawa drawing...hopefully...soon#notmyart#someone send me good oikawa screencaps to practice#god i should read the manga too...#also completely unrelated but i was thinking about learning a bit of japanese again but i think i gave away all my books...ugh#'again' i say like i didn't read a really good hq fanfic that changed the trajectory of my life
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ah. well. alas, i tested positive for covid today (my second time getting it; 1st time was outdoor college graduation.) send ur boy some positive vibes pls.
#im still masking too but it's been so damn humid my masking has not been... great. ugh. anyway#not to self-blame obviously it's a systemic problem with healthcare and work etc but i wanna do better...#this is really fucking sad! i'm usually the ONLY person masking on public transportation!
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Naw but the way Charles literally has a spidey sense when somethings wrong with the boys 😭🙏💖💖
#jane journals#self insert talk#🍞 my bread and butter 🍞#he said 'i sense...a disturbance'#HE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT THEM#yeah they make him money and its literally his livelihood#but we do see him make an effort to show his appreciation for them and such#THE EPISODE WHERE THEY JUST WANNA HANG OUT WITH HIM AND THEYRE SAD THAT HE'S TOO BUSY 😭💖😭💖😭💖😭💖😭💖😭💖#hes SO their mom#and the toki hug still gets me i gotta draw fanart for that moment 🤧🤧#and hgghh ok another part that still gets me is when hes initiating that klokateer and talking about the job description#saying that itll be dangerous and thankless and every time he says smth like that it cuts to a moment from HIS life#he really DOESNT get an ounce of appreciation for what he does#but he still does it anyway#id like to show him that appreciation 🥺🥺👉👈💖💖💖#ugh how did i regress so BADLY#i didnt think id be obsessing over a middle aged white guy again im so sorry guys#i thought i was better 😭😭
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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I miss him chat
#terii.txt#hate it. cutie thats in my head 24/7. i miss him#if i wasn't so sad id be shitting so much art of him rn....#i am having a bit of an art style frustration moment too#like i doodle him a lot but i hate most of it so i dont really post it#ugh#sad sad sad#girl when pokemas showed the select scout for him and rika i was like damn this game hate me !!!#i aint ever whaling for a gacha game there are more important things in this world#im still playin pkmn ruby and im too tired to figure out the switch emulator rn#soon tho... udgdndhdhdd god i miss him so bad i need to run circles around him in swsh.... my baby....
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updated with ch4... i think after i upload this fic and finish my hsmn angst im gonna stop writing for a while (or indefinitely) because wow... haha
#egg boils#kinda feels rly fucking bad#but hey! currently sitting at 130k words published in total :) thats nice#it was a good run but idk its so difficult to find the motivation to keep going and i dont place a lot of emphasis on recognition or notes#or kudos etec etc but still. really fucking sucks when u cant help but prefer the ships no one cares about :/#its one thing with my art bc i know its not very appealing but with my writing its just..#idk im making myself sad so ill stop but wargghghjh#i could too used to being in fandoms where i wrote for decently popular ships i guess?#but then again those fandoms in general were probably more active than kn8 which doesnt have its anime airing anymore#maybe when s2 starts again ill get back into fics#sighs.... :( im glad i managed to get stuff out for hsmn and nrmn while i could though!#hsmn literally have nothing going for them past season 1 so i dont expect anyone to care about them after that#ugh.. mina... mina#IN FACT i think with s2 my already rarepairs will get even rarer so thats not a very fun feeling haha.
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also i just got really emotional because. there's that one event outside arborstone where u have to help a siege turtle protect the city from speakers
and i'm just. there's something so profound about that. a siege turtle protecting arborstone.
#the fact that the kestrels use siege turtle a bunch in echovald in general makes me so. emotional#because once upon a time siege turtles were meant to /destroy/ kurzick buildings and settlements#but now they're used to protect them.#plus arborstone is where you raise your siege turtle!!! a siege turtle growing up in arborstone!!!!#i just. i wish there was any kind of dialogue from viktor and archemorus about it. i want to know how they feel about that.#i think they'd be. well they'd be sad about everything regarding what's happened to their people but.#i think they'd be proud too. that despite the empire's efforts... their cultures are still surviving#and they're surviving /together/#ugh. i'm really emotional about this. just. AUGH.#im so fucking normal about the kurzicks and luxons.#vindicator ghostposting
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I am so fucking miserable
#i cant keep living like this#i want to sh so bad rn#dying would solve all my problems#the problem is my top and probably most lethal method could result in like lost limbs if i fail#the more and more desperate i get though the less i care because i just need it to work#i can't do that to my family tho. they would be sad.#im such a burden on them tho#my depression is getting so bad that i can barely even function#i often feel the need to like escape whatever situation im in#it feels like the only way to stop feeling so miserable is to die#i can't take this anymore#43 days self-harm free but i could really use the distraction and the pain right now#ugh maybe my therapist was right when she mentioned going back to the hospital#at least then i wouldn't be expected to do all these things and act normal#i feel like i need to get through this weekend and then if im still feeling this way and insurance hasnt approved the ketamine#then i should consider hospital#but i have to go to philly for my twin sister's graduation. i am so happy for her and all but it's just going to be really hard#with how I've been feeling lately in addition to how graduation just reminds me of all my failures#i was supposed to graduate last weekend. my sister and i were supposed to graduate at the same time#all my friends are graduating too#and im as depressed and hopeless as ever#i dont know what to do#im going to ruin everything if i go but my sister will be upset if im not there#i just dont think i can handle being in philadelphia all weekend
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Thinking about how people get older and they change but it’s like for the worse lol
#txt#esp when it’s a family member#im just like: wait a minute i kinda dont like you…#its like that ladybird quote i love you but i dont really… like who you are becoming…#anyway i have said my piece and they think they haven’t changed at all#but they definitely have i’m not bout to be gaslighted in this household#they have started to have such a short fuse for the past fucking year and its like#you have no right to act this way lmao#like its not right for u to be like this#its like that complicated thing of they are generally still doing good things and being like nice persay but#the ugliness comes through too often#ugh family’s complicated#its hard to live with them honestly#it really is distance makes the heart grow fonder#i have never loved my family more than when i wasn’t living with them 💀#the irony is not lost on me#its just sad i suppose#but all things will pass#and eventually we’ll be on our way…
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List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last ten people however many you want who reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals & followers!! <3
oooh okay 1st one is watching a movie with my brother and makes jokes about it/commenting about scenes/making fun of characters! 2nd is whenever my brother and i are trying to call one of our dogs and they go to me and not him 🥰3rd is the feeling of the sun's warmth on a cold day! 4th is playing cards with my family and just all 5 of us losing braincells as we make up jokes and just laugh till we cry! 5th is being able to feel the temperature of whatever I'm eating warming me up/cooling me down, such a funky feeling!
#i do the first one mostly with lotr#i was so sad when i had covid a while back and decided to rewatch lotr to pass the time and I couldn't joke around with him :(#tho i did get to send all my jokes to my friends that night and I really do hope they know how much that meant to me#and it still does#im like getting misty eyed thinking about that night kasfjdlasdfa#i was like tearing up that night too ugh I'm gonna shut up now#nat answers stuff
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gosh, I miss flirting and being mushy with someone
#it is still early evening. it is TOO early to be yearning.#this isn’t like an advertisement for flirting or anything don’t worry#I will NEVER flirt with you!#I am just the legally required sad uncle guy on here#and not the weird kind. the kind that’ll let you have a sip of their beer or drive you to the mall#or whatever I dunno I’m getting too deep into this#ugh calling myself an uncle makes me feel old…#…and then I remember I actually am an uncle and my sister has kids#don’t call me uncle. you can call me dad. but like step-dad. the kind that just wants you to think they’re cool#also I wanna kiss your mom#no but really how is your mom doing? how’s her butt? what’s her butt doin?#im a little tired so please I’m gonna ramble a bit#what was I talking about?#oh yeah… YEARNING!#I want to be mushy!#just wanna send someone a picture of two kitties with funny little hats and say ‘me n you’#me n who?!?#could be you? 😘#NO! that’s what this whole post is about! it could NOT be you! keep it professional#I don’t want to make my mutuals annoyed with me by making them think I’m flirting with them#why am I talking about all of this? this is dumb#sorry I’m just sitting in this car in a parking lot waiting for my bro to get out of school#which… shit… is pretty soon. guess I need to stop zoning out#uhhhh sooo…. kiss kiss kiss#and I love you forever#goodbye I guess#you can ignore this#text
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even after all that he isnt getting mad or anything hes just so sad IM so sad im gonna cry for real
#fae reads stuff#noooo he saw...... he knew in his heart but actively Seeing the other guy get prioritized on suhc an important event too#and he isnt even mad hes just sad UGH. ugh#usually this is when they get upset but he just.......... im sorry your best friend is stupid and you fell for your stupid best friend#that is pretty sad. still i really commens your commitment and i wish you were valued more as a person.#i guess you have a new love interest now who will magically patch up all your emotiobal wounds#but i know the loss of a friend like that will never truly heal youve done so much... for so long......#ughfhfgmrjgmdjgmffg. Ugh
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ok so my bestie is calling me mumbai aise hi cause we were planning for months like jaise hi my exams are over we'll do it and like since it's so close to christmas i was kinda hoping we would celebrate it together but uh i talked to her on the phone and she said u go on 24th cause i have plans with (boyfriend) on christmas
#idk how to feel about this#i vote: sad#also embarrassed#but idk it's normal i guess cause they're like so obsessed with each other totally still in the honeymoon phase even tho its been 5 months#and she was also telling me abt how they went to snow world with their friend and then snuck out to the igloo to make out#which is like.. really cute#but then their friend interrupted and they were annoyed cause they don't get to spend any alone time together#which!!!!! idk i don't want to go and be the third wheel#lowkey wanna say 'my parents said no' and bail on the whole trip but idk i feel like my therapy self help books would disapprove 😭#but like what do i even say? let's be together on the 25th bc i miss u and i want to celebrate festivals with u? sounds clingy#ugh#irl friendships are impossible most times im being not enough and other times im being too much like there is no winning#i literally do not know how to give her and love her less im protecting my heart so well all i do is call her once in 3-4 days to talk for#like 1 hour like idk is this not the bare minimum#or maybe im just misreading her tone? she has even said u should come live with me for ur internship no need to pay rent it'll be so cool#like the bold type#but that was before she started dating him#aaaaaaah idk idk idk#mes
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it's like i keep telling myself i'm going to go to the single's event tomorrow at the lesbian bar but also................://////////
#im just gonna walk away sad and feeling worse than i already do bc people just. Do Not. approach me and UGH#sometimes i just really miss presenting more femme bc at least then people looked at me#and i'm clearly just. not. the kind of non-femme that people are interested in#still too scared to call myself butch bc my ex still lives in my stupid head and his laughter at the mere idea of me wanting to bc butch#idk#siiiggghhh @ self we're FINE#after a fun night our brain wants equilibrium so of course we're gonna get extra sad#trying to average out the brain chemicals or w/e#but also UGH after a work trip?????? i just wanna be home......#but they only do the singles event once a month#it's only 2 hours i don't have to stay the whole time#i should at least TRY#UGH#i hate bargaining with myself#talking tag#i just need to cry about feeling gross and undesirable and then go tf to sleep
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feeling bad again 😧
#egg boils#i was reading that japanese writers hoshimina stuff and they kept saying they felt burnt out bc of how small the audience was and like . Oh#my god i get it i get it nodding emoji bc there’s only so much you can write for urself…#i think at this stage i’m just so in my head . but realistically by now i should be accepting that kn8 anime has ended. no ones actively#looking for hoshimina stuff because they aren’t pushed past the tachikawa base raid anyway. so like. Stop Hoping#idk why i think people will keep reading or looking for hsmn (Or worse. nrmn) when there’s no reason for people to so#deep breaths. i’ll just do what i want to do.#maybe i should disable ao3 notifs#or just let it pass… i think maybe i should quickly upload all the chapters for nrmn instead bc i keep Expecting things and i don’t like it#bc i always end up with greater disappointment#:/#the thing is im rly clinging onto this hyper fixation and writing so much bc i know i won’t be able to when i land a job. and thats def#happening minimally in september#i hope so anyway#so i want to create as much as i can because very soon i won’t have time for Anything but#i’m just so sad#idk anymore ughhhhh#i did have fun. but maybe i should just let this go.#the worse part is that the hsmn fic im writing rn is genuinely! going! i’m not forcing myself or anything but idk i’ve really started#placing too much like. Emphasis on recognition i guess?#i need to remind myself that the reason i managed to churn out 43k for hsmn at first was solely for myself too#i never expected anyone to read it. so i need to maintain those expectations#i truly love all the people who consistently comment on my fics and new chapters but i don’t expect people to keep up with it especially#knowing kn8 isn’t a Big Thing anymore#so i’ll need to live with the fact that i will Not get new things new comments and whilst i love seeing them and replying to them. That’s#fine. because when i was writing for myself the only person who was reacting was myself#and that’s fine!!!!!!!!!#ugh#i can do this.#just until it naturally phases out. there’s so many things i want to create still
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