#im sorry my mental illness is a burden for you

[itz-pandora]

Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"

[natasharomanoff]

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[chaosartisan]

You all are so pro mental illness until they forget to take their medication.

You all are so pro mental illness until they start having delusions.

You all are so pro mental illness until they develop brain fog.

You all are so pro mental illness until they start forgetting important dates.

You all are so pro mental illness until they identify neuro divergent traits that you have.

You all are so pro mental illness until they start expressing their struggles.

You all are so pro mental illness until someone can't afford to go to therapy.

You all are so pro mental illness until someone can't afford their medication.

You all are so pro mental illness until it's something that comes attached with a physical health condition or deformity.

You all are so pro mental illness until it comes to advocating for better systems.

You all are so pro mental illness until your loved one becomes mentally ill.

You all are so pro mental illness until they need your help.

You all are so pro mental illness until it comes to doing anything other than saying "I'm pro mental illness."

yall are pro mental illness until they hallucinate

yall are pro mental illness until they dissociate

yall are pro mental illness until they self-isolate

yall are pro mental illness until they're paranoid

yall are pro mental illness until they split

yall are pro mental illness until it's too Scary for your comparatively neurotypical brain to handle

[tittysuckersworld]

vent tw, if you have depression please please just dont interact-

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

sometimes i think about that one post about how you should have people who are absolutely delighted by your existence and like that's nice and all but what happens when they get bored of u

[miraeluc]

i loved ur last hcs about sh so much ! if its not too much, can i ask for u to make a 2nd part (?) including shoto & izuku. please, im begging u, ill sell my organs if needed. thank u <3

dearest, from the depth of my heart, i’m offering my sincere apologies, for some stupid reason, i saw your ask a few months ago, prepared the draft and forgot entirely about it. i feel so bad pls don't sell your organs omg i hope this reaches you.

bnha boys finding out about your selfharm

prompt: /

pairing: izuku midoriya x reader, todoroki shouto x reader

warnings: mention of bad mental state! (reader); selfharming; some crying; pronouns of reader not mentioned (i think? correct me if i’m wrong pls!)

izuku midoriya

izuku, just like bakugou, was aware that you had been struggling with your mental health

but, obviously, he also was not aware of your self-harm tendencies

to be fair, it wasn't something you struggled with for a long time

only two months, to be exact

the first time you put a blade to your skin was your biggest regret - because although it wasn't pleasureable, it was extremely easy to spiral out of control, doing it nearly every day as if it was routine.

and since it was winter - you didn't worry about hiding it since you could wear long clothes without people questioning it anyway

when izuku found out, he was a mess

it went like this

the both of you were spending a cozy evening together

since everyone in your class was out or with their families, you had the entire living area to yourself

you were sat beside him, scrolling on tiktok and he was doing the same, but on his own phone

after a long while of you guys just silently enjoying eachother's company, he wanted to ask if you were hungry, but since he hadn't spoken in a while his voice cracked while doing so, and you were quick to mock him

long story short, you were now underneath him while he was tickling you.

when you tried to push his hands away, he grabbed your wrist - initially only wanting to stop you, but when you winced, he immediately stopped tickling you and, without thinking, pulled up your sleeve to see if he had hurt you

instead, he was met with the red, angry lines littered across your skin, the wounds not fresh enough to still bleed, but they were obviously still open wounds

you froze in place

he gulped, eyes moving to meet yours before he wordlessly pulled you to sit on his lap, arms wrapping around you and caging you in

"-'s ok. don't feel bad. i'm sorry i didn't realise sooner." he choked out, trying to blink away his tears

you were still frozen in place, thoughts running wild as you tried to gather your words to say something 

“izu.. please- don’t blame yourself for not realising sooner,”

he moved to look at you, teary eyes meeting yours “let’s bandage you up, ok, love?”

before you could react, he already stood - hands steady beneath your thighs, carrying you towards his dorm room, placing you down onto his bed before leaving to grab a first-aid kit from his bathroom

he wordlessly applied aloe vera gel over the more or less still fresh wounds, wrapping bandages around your arm securely before pressing a light kiss on your hand

“we can talk if you want to, but let’s get the food i was talking about earlier, hm?” 

you smiled slightly and nodded

although you still had a long road before you, you felt that a tiny burden had been lifted off your shoulders

you no longer had to fight for happiness all alone, - izuku would be by your side every step of the way, rest assured.

todoroki shouto

although shouto was indifferent, he was not stupid

he didn’t officially know of your battles with mental health, nor did he officially know about your self-harming tendencies, but he picked up the signs.

he didn’t want to confront you about immediately - since he also wasn’t a very open person, he wanted to provide you the space you needed until you were ready to open up and talk about your struggles

in the meantime, he tried his best to subtly ask fuyumi for tips on how to comfort someone when the time came

he did begin to get increasingly worried when he started hearing less and less from you - you often didn’t show up to class, and you never answered texts

todoroki, not being one to pry, tried giving you the space he assumed you needed

he didn’t take it personally - he knew you weren’t doing this on purpose, but he was flooded with worry.

and when he found out you haven’t been leaving your room at all, he decided it was time to react and check on you, even if it meant bothering you

when he stepped into your room, his eyes had to adjust to be able to see in the darkness that immediately engulfed him as the door clicked shut behind him

the air was stale - clothes scattered around the floor. your bed was messy, but you were not to be seen

tentatively he called out your name, switching on the small bedside lamp you had

„y/n?“ as he took in the sight of your room, but his eyes zeroed in on something, an object, on your bedside table

he tried again, blood running cold

„y/n? are you in the bathroom?“

he picked up said object, mindful to not cut himself with the small blade, moving to place it somewhere away from beside your bed - out of sight, in hopes that his heart would slow its racing

„yeah. i’m in here. hold on.“ he heard you groggily call out

his eyes closed in relief at the sound of your voice - having assumed the worst and he sighed shakily, dropping to sit on the edge your bed whilst he waited for you, running a hand through his hair to push it back

when you stepped out of the bathroom, his face understandably dropped

you looked so pale, so defeated

so fragile

he noticed the way you were fidgeting, an arm hidden behind your back - probably the reason he heard you shuffling around your bathroom. maybe in search of something to cover up?

he stood again, slowly approaching you. when you didn’t flinch away, he gently reached up a hand to caress your cheek

„did you bandage yourself up properly?“ he whispered, no hint of judgement in his tone - just worry

and alas, that is all it took for your eyes to brim with tears.

your lower lip shook as you quickly blinked up at him, shaking your head and releasing a heart-shattering sob as your boyfriend engulfed you into his arm - caging you into a protective hug

„it’s okay. will you let me help you?“ he whispered

a/n: hi again - i KNOW i disappeared for like 2 - 3 years but i’m about to finish my drafts and post them out, but i want to announce that requests are temporarily closed as i will no longer be writing about anime characters (unless i get an intense surge of inspiration), but there will be more explaining that in a separate post. for now, enjoy the drafts!

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 164 spoilers and thoughts that are totally not late what are you talking about this is on time for sure <- writing the day that 165 drops

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JAVIER WAS THE ACTUAL MVP OF THIS WHOLE EPISODE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAHAHAH GOD I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

THAT SIGNATURE SLIGHT SMIRK, THE MENACE IN HIS EYES. YES!!! SAVE UR MAN FROM GRIEF!!! GO KNIGHT BOY GO!!!!!!!

oh how he's grown, oh how he's learned from lloyd,,, truly using all the skills hes seen and putting them to the test. ITS SO FUNNY HOW EFFECTIVE THIS IS HAHAHAHAA THE EXPRESSIONS ARE SO SO GOOD THEYRE SO UNHINGED I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

back to the top!

lloyd trying to bargain and figure out loopholes only to realize there really is no other way besides losing it all over again makes my heart ACHE. OOOWWW. OWWWWWWWW.

just. watching that shutdown happen is so so so cruel why would u do this to me. the way the artist shows the energy and life just leaving his eyes and then subsequently showing how. tired he is. makes me so so emotional

it fucking HURTS. and by god ive been there before - certainly not to this extent ofc, but ive also been in tough spots where all the work ive done for my engineering projects ends up being,,, pointless. it is VERY real, how demoralizing that feels and lloyds reaction to that, and i cant imagine the scale of how that despair increases when its related to the work you did to simply just live in peace. god. ow. ow ow ow ueueueuuee

like he just essentially got told that it didnt matter how hard he fought to live, to survive, it doesn't matter that he's "lloyd" now; kim suho is destined for an ill-fate. and considering we know him as someone who lives almost entirely for others? it's basically "hey, all this stuff u did for other people to make urself not a burden, became a burden. tough luck!" GOD THATS SO. GHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH

and he's trying so hard to think of himself as lloyd frontera still but like. whats the point? his association with lloyd frontera became the thing that doomed him

this panel in particular is INSANEE AAGHGHGHHGGG the colors washed out, how limp he looks, the blankness of the background like nothings there. this is where lloyd is right now, hope ripped from him, this reflects that really well. it HURTS.

is dissociated the right word for this? in despair? either way he's emotionally and mentally going THROUGH it, and essentially back to isolation considering how he ignores javier

i also wonder now if lloyd has already made a choice, to let javier live? we dont get to see more of his thoughts beyond this point, so its hard to say whether or not he's already made the decision of which protagonist lives,,, god im so worried for him. a part of me suspects that maybe he already chose javier to live,,, IM SO SCARED,,,,

speaking of javier,,, we see him talking to arcos and marbella!! and AGGGHHH AAAHHH MY HEART i really really think that javier was being completely genuine here. i think he really believes this. javier in general has a tendency to be incredibly genuine in the things he says (examples i cant think of off the top of my head but this episode has a lot of em LOL). he's asserted multiple times that he believes lloyd can save their estate, and its clear he means it every time. the faith javier has in lloyd is so so strong and it makes me so fucking EMOTIONALLL im getting ahead of myself a little bit sorry

but then the stare that arcos gives to javier,,, i think silent was the one who mentioned it but its as if arcos isnt sure if he should believe him, and if u take into account the last time they asked about lloyd's status,,, it's very much possible that he doesnt believe javier, but javier has so much faith in lloyd that he leaves them alone anyway. god,,, gghh,,, mmy heart,,,,

AND JAVIER ASKING LLOYD TO WAIT FOR HIM AND THAT HE'LL HELP LLOYD GET BACK TO HIS FEET GOD GHGHGH HE LOVES HIM SO FUCKING MUCH GOD FUCK GOD DAMMIT YOU!!! YOU!!!!

lloyd doesnt even respond but javier doesnt need to wait for a response bc he'll do whatever it takes now to protect this noble he's come to care for and love and gone on so many adventures with GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT FUCK

and now we reach the second half of the episode and it made me giggle SO FUCKING HARD HAHAHAHAHAHAA

LIKE I SAW THIS PANEL AND MY JAW DROPPED PLEASE JAVIER ALDKJFLSKJDF

ppl were posting that apparently someone in ORV does this too and like thats so fucking funny . if i had a nickel for every time there was identity fraud in a manhwa id have two nickels

POOR RAPHAEL GETTING CAUGHT IN THE FIRE TOO HAHAHAHA HE LOOKS SO NERVOUS

some more panels of javier harnessing all that unhinged lloyd energy IT'S SO SO GOOD. it feels like javier's now a really really strong prosecutor i think he'd do a good job as a lawyer. THIS IS SO SO FUN

LIKE HE LOOKS SO MENACING GOD ITS SO FUNNY AHHAHAHAHA while making entirely good points he's so golden i love u sm javier. yes save ur man. outargue the FUCK out of these angels u clever little knight.

THE BITS WHERE ITS REVEALED HE'S TRULY GENUINE TOO ARE SOOOO FUCKING GOOD

ITS FUNNY ON TOP OF BEING SO REAL OF JAVIER

i talked about it above but like. when javier really truly believes something, when he really truly wants something, it's so fucking obvious. this boy does not lie or pretend about how he feels, point blank period. hell we've seen his behavior when he lies/is not telling the truth; his words are stiff and out of character, and his expression is either menacingly tight or stiffly robotic. he has so, so SO much faith and such a deep desire to save lloyd, and it shows in how he's genuinely fucking thankful that the angels agreed to (or well, were coaxed into agreeing) with what he asked for. i think it's a really interesting character trait and it completely tracks that javier was the protagonist of knight of blood and iron. genuine, emotional characters who love and lose, who have hope and can believe and can also experience despair, can make for an extremely compelling story. javier nails it right on the head

i also think that this character trait completely influenced the way javier used the tactics that lloyd uses. like yes, this is something that lloyd could do, but he also would never be able to pull it off because he doesnt have that same protagonist heart and honest-to-god (pun intended) genuineness that javier has. this inherent authenticity that javier seems to just naturally possess is what allowed him to make these statements and demands, because the sincerity he wears on his sleeve makes it all end up feeling reasonable. only javier could have done something like this, and no one else. i think thats REALLY fun!!!

that is all for this ep for now,,, i am SUPER excited to see where this'll go. hopefully we will hear from alicia abt the eye of summer!!! god javier u clever lil thing im so glad he was able to do this SAVE UR BOYF!!! AAAAHHHH

see y'all next week! aka tmrw! today? whenever 165 drops!

[farfromstrange]

Angel On The Roof | Matt Murdock x f!Reader

Pairing: Matt Murdock x female Reader

Masterlist

Summary: Sometimes (or most of the time) suffering is silent, we don't often see or recognize the signs, and suicide can tear a huge hole into the hearts of the people around the affected person.

TW: SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE

Warnings: ANGST, hurt no comfort, self-harm, suicide, catholic guilt, mental illness

A/n: I intentionally wrote the warning seperately because this is... well, this was born from my brain in a matter of thirty minutes because I suddenly felt so fucking sad, and I had to somehow get these feelings out. I'm sorry. BUT I PROMISE IM OKAY THIS JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES!!

Word count: 2.5k

DO NOT READ IF SUCH TOPICS COULD EASILY TRIGGER YOU! (And if you ever feel helpless, try talking to someone. You're not alone!)

18+ MINORS DNI

Mental illness speaks in silence. 

Unlike a broken leg, you can’t see a sickness of the mind. There is no physical proof for the scary truth that something is going not quite right inside of your brain. And because people can’t see it, they have a hard time believing the truth. They have a hard time believing that being sick in the head could even affect you this much, so they try to sell your pain as worth less than it is. How could thoughts possibly turn paralyzing? How could someone’s mind make them feel worthless to the point the affected person sees no other way out but to inflict pain onto themselves? Attention whores, it’s what those people like to call the struggling ones. Lazy, weak, selfish… every mentally ill person has heard one of those words being used to describe them at least once.

Mental illness speaks in silence because if we spoke louder, people would only sneer and turn their backs on us. Mental illness speaks in silence because suffering alone seems better than burdening someone else. And mental illness speaks in silence because those who are mentally ill live in a different world. Their heads work differently.

Mental illness speaks in silence because pain paralyzes, and silent acts are the only way someone so stuck in the claws of the faceless monster knows how to ask for help. By the time people consider questioning certain behavior though, it is often too late, and the person soon enough feels as if they’re being a burden once more because the judging looks are worse than admitting you need help in the first place. 

The monster that is mental illness is cruel and it has no regard for you or the people around you. It has set out to destroy you, and you feel helpless as it tears a knife through your soul and picks your heart apart piece by piece. And those who say, ‘just ask for help’ or ‘don’t be scared to speak up’ clearly don’t know how hard it can be to break out of such a circle once you’re already in it. 

Self-harm is considered a serious addiction on the roster, but most people see it merely as a symptom of many personality disorders or mood disorders. Those who seemingly know nothing about mental illness even like to call it a call for attention. As if self-mutilation would ever be a conscious choice made by anyone. You try to fight a pain that no one can see and only you can feel, and sometimes, when you feel so much - too much - it gets deafening and you need another pain to balance it out. 

Drugs aren’t the only thing hurting you that can result in addiction. There is a long list of things that harm the mind and body, and that is often used as a coping mechanism for the terrible things most people are forced to feel inside. 

Matt Murdock has stared down the abyss before. He knelt in front of a God he had long lost all of his faith in and begged him to take him back. He stood at the edge of the cliff, ready to end his misery. He wanted to be taken away to recover from the excruciating hole in his chest. He didn’t want this life anymore. He hated his body and his mind, and he lost who he thought himself to be. He lost all of his faith, friends, and trust in the world. He stared down the abyss and the abyss stared back at him, dark and glooming, and it was ready to dig its claws into his skin and drag him down with it. 

Though he pulled away before the darkness could consume him. He escaped death with only a breath on the tip of his tongue. He exorcized most of the demons in his mind after almost succumbing to them completely, and even now he still struggles with what the months of torture in the basement of Clinton Church did to him. The constant self-pity, the shame, the guilt, and the blame. He gave up on God when he needed them most. He found back to the lord because he strongly believed that in his time of need, he would always come back to him. 

He met her on a warm summer’s night on the roof of an apartment complex. He returned to his ways as the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen in the makeshift black get-up inspired by whatever fabric he could find at church, but it had to be long after Wilson Fisk was returned behind bars. 

She assured him, “I don’t want to jump, I just want to feel.” And so he stayed by her side until the sun came back up, shoulder to shoulder sitting on the ledge of the roof and staring down at New York City. He could smell and taste the salt lingering in the air from the tears she shed, but as they sat together, she did not once cry and so he stayed silent, listening to her broken heart as the sun came up. 

It became a regular occasion. He would find her on numerous high buildings, always the same heartbeat, always stained with the salt of her tears and sometimes the tangy scent of blood on her sleeves. He never asked, he simply sat down next to her and waited until the sun came back up, and then he walked her home to make sure she would be okay. In the moment, she usually was. She smiled and thanked him, and he told her, “If you ever need to talk, well… you know I’ll find you if you call for me.”

He remembers asking her one day after he walked her home in the rain and she offered to let him in, still covered by the black mask but more than willing to learn more about the mystery woman that occupied his every thought, but he didn’t even know the name of. “Who hurt you?” he asked her. 

She placed a coffee mug before him, her shoulders shrugging weakly. He could smell a mixture between copper and metal in the bathroom, and her pulse beat heavier than usual under the long sleeves of her shirt - it was summer, no need for a sweater, but she always wore one. He didn’t like to prod. The darkness swallowed him once too, and the last thing he had wanted back then was to talk to anyone. He wouldn’t have known where to start anyway, and she was struggling with something he had no right to judge. Still, the more time they spent together, the more he began to care. 

“I hurt myself,” she had given him the simple answer. 

His hand caught her wrist accidentally one of those nights and she flinched away, eyes seemingly wide with shock and frustration. 

“Why?” he asked. 

“Because I need to feel something other than this pain that is numbing me to the point I feel like I’m being burned alive.”

“Have you ever asked someone for help?”

“Why would I?” 

“Because there are people who can help when you’re hurting. People who have been trained for this. People who aren’t… people who can do much more than to just walk you home safe at night.”

She reacted rather hostile when he said it, and he couldn’t blame her, he still can’t. They were merely acquaintances. He came around when she felt alone and she enjoyed his company, but other than that they knew nothing.

“Perhaps you should go,” he remembers her saying, and then she pushed him away. 

Two nights went by without her. He didn’t find her on any rooftops or in dark alleyways looking for ways to get the edge off. When the third day rolled around and he didn’t find her again, not even her heartbeat in the masses of Hell’s Kitchen, he gave into the voice in his head and took the road he memorized to the apartment he often walked her to after a particularly draining night. 

He told himself not to cross that border because well, whatever they had, it meant nothing. But she was just human too, after all, and she was left alone hurting with demons in her head ready to tear her down. She was like him while at the same time, she was inherently different. He just knew she was drowning and if it was the catholic in him or just Matt Murdock who felt the need, but he had to protect her, even if it was just from herself.

Sometimes your head can become you worst enemy.

He entered the apartment over the fire escape. She kept her window unlocked, which wasn’t very safe. When he heard the sobs coming from the direction of the suspected bathroom though, he didn’t question why her window was open. Perhaps part of her took his offer to heart and she was searching for help, subconsciously at least. But he wasn’t the help she needed. He couldn’t do much but sit by her side and walk her home. Matt didn’t have much to give to her but even more pain in the form of his friendship. It never ended well for him.

He broke the door down at the scent of blood, and he was glad he did. He didn’t need sight to know that her arms were covered in cuts and the floor dark red with the essence of her heart. Her heartbeat sounded erratic in the small bathroom. 

He didn’t panic though. He grabbed a few towels and wrapped them around her wrists, and as soon as she felt his touch, she fell into his arms and cried. He held her as she did, the blood soaking through his clothes, but he didn’t care. He held her until she was too weak to fight back, and then he did the most conscious thing, took her to bed and stitched her up. 

She was quiet throughout, and even after. He couldn’t tell where her mind was at. Together, they lay on her soft mattress. He listened to her heartbeat and the tiny sobs passing her lips, all the while he still wore the goddamn black mask he once swore he would never pick up again. 

“Why do you keep doing it?” he asked her eventually. His finger ran over the bandage he had applied earlier. “Why do you keep hurting yourself?”

She shivered. “It wouldn’t make sense even if I told you.”

“Try me.”

“No, you wouldn’t understand. You barely even know me and I don’t know you. Why do you keep doing this, D?”

“Matthew,” he told her. “That is my name. And I do understand because I’ve been where you are. Not- not this severe, but I can try to understand.”

“I just can’t help it,” she admitted. “I don’t know why, and I don’t want to talk about it. But I’m glad you’re here, and I promise I will try not to do it again.”

He caved because her heartbeat told the truth. “Okay.”

She didn’t lie because she believed it to be true.

And she never told him her name.

But that night she took his hand in hers and asked him to stay until she fell asleep, and against his better judgment, he did. He stayed until her breathing evened out and the sun came up. Only then did he slip out through the window and back into his everyday role.

She found a note on her table, poorly scribbled but she could decipher what he had meant to bring across. 

It’s because I care about you that I do this, Angel.

That night, he found you waiting on a rooftop for him again. He heard the smile in her voice, and for a second he believed she was okay again. 

They shared one kiss. It was a Tuesday night. The rain outside pattered against the window, but inside it was warm. He walked her home again, and she asked him if he wanted tea. He accepted her offer.

“Will I ever see your face?” she wondered out loud.

He chuckled. “It wouldn’t be such a good idea.” The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen knowingly never does home visits. 

“Can you see mine?”

“No.” He didn’t tell her he was blind. Maybe he should have. Maybe telling her more about himself could have steered off the inevitable. If he had only allowed himself to hold on tighter without letting the fear take over, maybe she would still be there.

That night, she leaned in to kiss the revealed lower have of his face, and he had never felt so much dread yet happiness during a kiss before.

It was short and sweet, an act of kindness, and then she did the one thing she had never done before.

She thanked him. “Thank you,” she told him. “For everything.”

It was the first warning sign, but he missed it. He missed them all.

She kissed him, then thanked him, and then when he turned to leave, she said, “Goodbye, Matthew.”

If he had only known back then that this would be the last time he would get to feel her presence again, he would have stayed even long after the sun had risen. 

Three days later, a kiss, the sound of her heartbeat, and a distinctive smell in his clothes and nose are all he has left of her. He held her when she needed it, but even when she tried subtly telling him that something wasn’t right, he didn’t realize what she was trying to tell him. 

Mental illness is silent until it isn’t, and now Matt Murdock is standing in the summer rain over the grave of a woman he had only briefly met, her name scribbled on the stone by the only family she had left, and even they had already left by the time he joined her.

He finds himself standing at the grave of a woman so broken, she knew no other way out than this. 

“Did you know her well?” His mother stands beside him, hands crossed in front of her body. 

He scoffs, the honesty seeping off his lips like acidic honey. “I didn’t even know her name.”

“Then how did you…” the question got lost along the way. She nods, realizing, then paints the crucifix over her chest and heart, kissing the cross necklace he wears the same. “If it’s any consolation,” she says, “I do not believe that people who commit suicide go to hell. I think God has her now. I think he is taking care of her as we speak.”

“How did I not realize?” he whispers. His voice cracks, but he holds on. He knows she wouldn’t have wanted to see him cry. The rain hits his glasses and soaks his clothes, but even after more than one plea from his mother, he doesn’t move an inch. 

Mental illness is silent until it isn’t.

“I’m sorry.” The gravestone doesn’t answer. “I wish I could have gotten to know you better. I wish I could have realized… could have seen… I was a coward. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Please, forgive me for this. For all of it.”

He doesn’t want to cry, but it’s getting harder with each passing second of realization. The service was lovely, but without her, reality seems more like a bad dream than something actively happening to him.

He never really knew her, but he realized something crucial as he stands before the filled, wet hole in the ground, and it knocks all the leftover air from his frozen lungs. 

He loved her. He does.

But she took her own life to end a suffering no one but him was willing to listen to, and it would make him bitter until the day he, too, would move to the mansion of rest in the lord’s paradise — and he would pray until then that he would be able to meet her again and tell her the truth he realized too late. The stranger, the broken woman, his lost Angel on the roof. 

[neuroticboyfriend]

(sorry if this is too much or heavy of an ask etc, you dont have to answrr if you dont feel confortable) two days ago i relaosed after over 3 years of sobriety fron this drug. i think i had some mental healt/dissiciative episode, i barely remember doing it. im too ashamed to tell my loved ones, theyre all so proud of me for being sober. and i for years didnt even want to start using didnt even think about using, before yesterday when i just kinda suddenly snapped and did it. idk what to do.i dont think ill use again i was and still am committed to sobriety.

this ask came to me at the right time, actually. i dont know for sure if it's related, but since trying to quit vaping, i've been waking up severely dissociated. and for me, dissociation like that triggers delusion and can quickly spiral - i snap. i'm becoming afraid of relapse because of it, and im guilting myself for the mere possibility.

but the truth is, we're chronically ill. addiction is an illness, and when we experience serious mental health issues on top of that, the amount of control we have is diminished. there's no need for us to be ashamed; our illnesses are not moral defects. we do our best with what we have, and on some days, we don't have what we need to avoid relapse. that's frustrating and scary. but it isnt our fault.

and you're doing so great by staying committed to sobriety. that takes real strength, and it's something to be proud of. this isn't easy, and a lot of people unfortunately don't understand that. we don't need to take their opinions into our hearts. there are plenty of people out there who understand, from personal experience or from just having compassion.

it's up to you who you tell about your relapse, since this is personal health information. but if there's anyone who you feel you can really trust, telling them can lift some of the burden off your back. i'm glad that you reached out to me, and i hope things get better for you. keep going and hold your head high. you've still come so far and it's beautiful.

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Looooong ass vent

TW for: Self hate. Lots of swearing. Use of not nice words. Eating disorders, purging, self harm, suicide, rants, venting, tons of triggers, dissociation, lying, all caps, me whining, me being a bitch, mistreatment, body shaming, hateful stuff, mental illness, all that- like seriously this has more TWs than I can think of. .

I'm a jealous person. I'm sorry, it's true. I'm jealous when other people have art that gets 40, 50, more notes. I get jealous when my friends have better friends than I ever could be. I get jealous of song writers because damnit please I want to make music. I get jealous of others art,voices, bodies. I get so jealous I get mad at nothing over nothing. I get jealous at others art styles, at other success, i get jealous at my own FRIENDS wow I'm awful

I'm selfish. I'm greedy because I can't just- be fucking happy with what i do have. I can't be patient to get better at drawing, better at recording my voice, more freedom. I am never satisfied, I'm a fucking whore for any sort of love and attention and likes and reblogs. You hear me? I'm, a, whore.

And I'm fucking awful because I can't take criticism for shit, I get so fucking unhappy at it and I lie and I say I'm happy to receive it. I lie all the time like this, I'm a dishonest whore, that's worse than a normal whore! I get so bent out of shape!

And I want to make it big in the Tumblr community BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE I NEVER FOCUS ON ONE THING

M so impatient

And when I talk to my friends I-

I forget all that. I calm down, I feel... wanted.

But I'm burdening them. I'm burdening them I'm burdening them I'm I'm fucking selfish and horrible because they give and give and give and I take like a needy selfish greedy whore.

AND I DON'T SHUT UP, I'm sorry I'm sorry I never shut up

...I'm... awful. And... I shouldn't keep posting shit like this, because nobody should have to read my rambling and shit and I'm overreacting and I want to die and

Im useless irl BTW. I've been nothing but a stupid moody bitch the past two weeks, I stay up all night doing nothing and wake up at 5 pm like a useless piece of human shit that should burn in the garbage

I keep forgetting who I am, who is talking too

Im sooooooooo uselessssssssssss

Its fucking because I think my family would be happier if I didn't exist. Because that'd be one less stupid moody bitch that can't do anything and hides in their room all day that they have to deal with

Im lazy I get apathetic I have no motivation to do anything and I don't cry at sad movies like a broken robot and everything about me is wrong

And my father wanted a daughter so fucking badly, but I'm not a girl I'm nothing and he'd be so mad if I ever told him

And BTW I'm literally awful like I've run out of things I'm a jealous whore

M a whore because all tye time I think of stupid sexual stuff and then I feel disgusted I'm disgusting I barely take showers

I'm pathetic btw I never finish anything I start I have so many half assed AUs and drafts and fanfics and art and chores and needs and shit

and I sit in my room all day and play on my phone like a fucking loser. Im also really stupid btw, I don't know half the shit I'm supposed too and I can't spell shit or know history AND I HAVE THE ABILITY TO LEARN BUT IM SUCH A STUPID FUCKING BITCH I NEVER DO ANYTHING

I'm also a hypocrite because I get so snappy and shit with my siblings when they do nothing wrong except be annoying or something but when I feel justified I shouldn't because I'm still a shitty person

I barely reach out to my friends unless they text first, I'm a horrible friend that never listens I'm sorry I'm sorry I never meant to abandon anyone

And I can't take blame or accountability I'm sorry I am shit why do I keep trying to hide behind myself??

Its past 6 am,people are statving and in here venting like a bitch

I never shut up

I Bother people

i sleep in and I'm moody and I demand attention like a whore whose demanding love idfk

I never know anything, I'm rude as hell

Im sorry

and I'm protective over shit nobody cares about, I'm so damn defensive

Im sorry I'm not doing better I'm sorry I'm not improving myself. I'm so mad at myself I have so much anger at myself I direct it at innocent people I'm sorry

I HAVE NO EXCUSES, IM SO FUCKING SELF AWARE OF THIS BUT I KEEP DOING IT KM SO DAMN FHCKONG DUM IM LUTERALLY COUNTING HOW MANY WORDS OF SELF HSTE

Its justified BTW, i deserve hate

I feel like I'm lying abt being a system and artistic and depressed and anxiety like what I'd I just suddenly decided I had them?? I swear I promise I'm not faking I'm not I don't want to lie I want to be good I never meant to hurt anyone BUT I FEEL LIKE IM A FAKING BITCH

I binge food and throw it up, I hide food like a greedy pig just to purge I take others food because I'm so gluttonous and I LIE about it

and I vent and vent and vent and... and I still hate myself

I'm so fucking manipulative because anytime I talk I CSNT STOP IMSGING HOW THE CONVERSATION WILL GO, I CANT STOP TRYONG TO FUCKING GET MY WAY IRL, AHHGHGBTIDDHDH I ALEATS ACT LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN I DONT and I purposefully annoy my siblings so they leave thr kitchen so I can binge like a fat pig, I'm a hypocrite too in every aspect. I'm toxic ok im awful

I s/h and then i forget about it so its not even a problem but I whine like it is and I want to do it so badly rn I wanna go deep

AND I RUINED MYSELF WITH UGLY SCATS they're so ugly like me inside and out

And I wanna cry and

and I'm so awful because like I get so... idk, I am. I've done shifty things, I'm a shit person. I act sweet than a condescending little bitch

and sometimes the smallest things set me off

Im jealous of everyone else

Hell I'm fucking jealous of people I've never met, I want so much so badly I'm so greedy and lustful for it and selfish

In... conclusion? The world, would, be, better, without, me

I'm useless, lazy, stupid, jealous, slutty, angry, sad, pitiful, pathetic, fat looking, no good child, moody, stereotypical, ugly, hateful, chatter box, greedy, selfish. Gluttonous, messy, dirty. I'm all the bad stuff

Dont lie, these are facts. I have so much awful in me, the world wpuld be better off without me

[squarebracketsmileyface]

ok but toxic relationships are so so interesting and importand and like irredeemable vs like. mentally ill and unhealthy is such a line that blurrs and im soso interested and excited to read esp as someone who is actively trying to work on toxic things and like heavily relates to jays side in the original fic

Complicated and toxic relationships are my favourite thing to write and read honestly. Whether it's toxic/complicated because one character is actively out to harm the other, or just because they don't know what they're doing is hurting the other, or even when they know it's hurting the other person but they can't stop doing it. That's my favourite type I think, because yeah, sometimes you know what you're doing, but that doesn't mean it's suddenly easy to stop doing it.

Jay and Alex in sorry it's locked fall into two different categories I think. Alex is in the category of "knows it's hurting the other person but can't stop doing it" and Jay is in the category of "doesn't realise it's hurting the other person so doesn't realise they need to stop doing it."

For Jay I think it's to do with the fact that he's so caught up in being upset about how Alex treated him, that he doesn't think about how he treated Alex. He didn't cause Alex to treat him like he did, that's still Alex's own burden of guilt to carry, but he definitely wasn't completely innocent in their relationship either. And of course there's the extra complication that Jay doesn't want to blame Alex for how things were, and tries to kind of blame himself for getting so attached etc, but he's blaming himself for the wrong reasons.

He could be incredibly introspective and self aware if he got over his self loathing I think, but he'd probably need therapy to manage that, and well, he doesn't wanna do therapy.

[tadpolesonalgae]

omg i was bored and started re-reading CBMTHY from the start and i just realized - now knowing that reader was ill? or expecting to die from sickness before the Cauldron thing happened - Azriel's comment of "you are proving to be a burden" and why that was such a fatal blow to reader is getting a new meaning akdjskakajsj

ur whole family is suffering in poverty with ur youngest sister going to the woods every day risking her life to keep ur family afloat, and ur sick and possibly dying (idek if it was mentioned whether or not the rest of the Archerons knew?? i wouldn't put it past reader to just not tell them bc of her insecurities, not to mention the whole complicated psychology that must happen with the fact that Mama Archeron also died from illness and the trauma everyone has from that 😬😬) and u get randomly turned into fae and seemingly cured of that illness.... like the amount of guilt that reader must have had about the whole situation.. she already felt like she owed smth to Feyre and the rest bc she's in the belief that she would've died if she stayed human (both from hunger and her illness) and then Azriel goes ahead and tells her she's a burden like 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Az what the FUCK no wonder girlie is depressed 😭😭 (im not like Really really livid at him bc ik that he obviously didn't know her backstory but .. bro's gotta GROVEL)

anyways im living for this added weight of the angst and hurt ✨️

(I might have gone on some tangents here, and I’m not entirely sure I articulated it correctly, so I’m sorry if this doesn’t make total sense!! 🧡💛)

Okay, so, this is something I think I struggle with frequently—being unsure how much people in the acotar universe know about medicine?

I’ve kind of got it into my head that fae magic is just a general healing thing? So it wouldn’t require the same level of knowledge and study as a modern day doctor would have to go through since I don’t think we really get to see how healing magic works? The only comparison I can think of is what we see in Tower of Dawn, but even that wasn’t particularly clear?

Anyway, in a story like cbmthy where reader obviously has some mental instabilities, it’s quite difficult knowing how to describe it since I’m unsure they have the understanding of modern day medicine/psychology? And then there are the physical symptoms that her magic has been causing her, and I’m operating under the assumption that they won’t understand what’s happening to reader or how to cure it given the type of ‘sick’(?) she is from her power? I also don’t want to give anything away, but in short I’m hoping to touch more on what kind of ‘illness’(?) reader was dealing with pre-cauldron?

‘Az what the FUCK no wonder girlie is depressed’

I’m glad that this side is clear at least 😭 I was kind of worried, since I don’t think I’ve explicitly said she’s clinically depressed, that it might not be apparent? Again, I don’t think they have a term for depression in the acotar universe? Like I can’t see it being a name for a mental illness? I can see it being used as a descriptor, and people being able to understand the concept quite clearly, but I don’t imagine there being defining qualities yet if that makes sense? 😬😭

‘anyways im living for this added weight of the angst and hurt ✨️’

Well, while chapter 16 is mostly happy, there is a little interaction with Mor at the end that might be a bit intense if you enjoy general angst/hurt things? It’s only brief but I felt it would be too strange to have a genuinely okay chapter, even if reader just experienced one of the lowest moments of her life 😁🧡💛

[sugarandice3]

do you have any advice on writing a allegory?

Sure!! Just promise that you'll take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm by no means a professional.

So when I want make an allegory of something, I ask myself what the most fundamental aspects of the concept is and then find a way to make those things "physical." A classic example of this is "Pilgrim's Progress." The story is an allegory for a Christian's spiritual journey and we can clearly see various aspects and struggles of our own spiritual lives in the story. The burden the main character carries is original sin, there are obstacles like Vanity Fair and Castle Despair, and there are friends and foes with clear names and behavioral patterns like Worldly Wiseman or Piety. Bunyan broke down the concept of a spiritual journey and made those aspects tangible though characters, places, and plot points.

I'll use an example of my own now. I'm writing a creepypasta story (I know, its cringe and im only a little sorry), and its intended to also serve as an allegory for mental health, like many of them do. One of the main concepts I'm working with is the shame that comes with chronic mental illness. So, the physical representation of that shame is Slenderman. He acts in ways that mirror the how the feeling of shame works in our own minds. He lurks relentlessly, only making an obvious appearance when Keres's emotional state gets bad so that he can make it worse. In addition to this, she can feel the effects of his presence even when she can't see him or he's not close by. He is the physical representation of how shame is always present when you're struggling mentally and will make the situation worse, driving you crazy as you try to somehow get rid of it.

So TL;DR break the concept down into smaller concepts and then find a way to represent those in tangible ways.

(P.S If you're currently working on an allegory and wanna brainstorm, let me know. :D )

[pleucas]

i'm still half asleep as i write this. sorry if unorganized. i wake this morning but a wee little soul accused of not dismantling the facade of the character, of demonizing mental illness and most horrendously, watching the anime first. oh Cheese is also here sitting in the corner. real ominously, kinda scaring me.

so, firstly, i actually hate watching anime and like all animated media where there's a book. they speak too slow and less information is conveyed. if i can read something faster than i can watch the show, im going to read it. ive actually only watched the first couple episodes of BSD and the Dark Era ones. ive read the manga like 3 times and most of the light novels relating to chuuya and dazai. now that that the clear most important point is out of the way, which is that my media illiteracy is through MY OWN CHOICE !! onto the others. dazai is a well written character. he's entertaining to think about. a character being well written doesn't make them likeable though? he was written to be annoying, he gets on near everyone's nerves in the show. i can be annoyed with him AND ALSO understand that despite that he is a multi layered character who isn't necessarily all good or bad. sorry if i came off like that wasn't the case in my other asks. i get his facade, i understand why he does it, ive been there to when i was reallllly deep in depression. and with that said, it still frustrates me. this is gonna be a shocker, a real hard pill to swallow, some other expression of surprise, living life in a state where you're always passively lying to people is bad for you relationships!! i feel the burden to see through the facade is often placed on the people around him, but i think setting the standard that people should just know without you telling them can be pretty unhealthy.

i think in these kinda ships where one of the character's has basically erected a wall between themselves in the war, the compelling part is seeing the bricks, day by day, be taken apart. and, ultimately, it is on the person who put up the wall to do that in the end. they can have help, of course. most need a remarkable amount of assurance for it, but still it falls on the shoulders of the person who put it up.

im not going to compare mental illness or toxicity, but i don't think Chuuya even wants to assure him. furthermore, given their relationship, i think that's a respectable decision. im not going to bash him for disliking someone who admits to doing everything in his power to annoy him even at his lowest moments (STORMBRINGER DAZZAI OH HOW I HATE YOU. TANGENT TIME: there's a difference between manipulating a situation to be advantageous and it happening to turn out good for the people involved and helping. intentions matter!! dazai wanted the outcome best for HIMSELF. he does this a lot, drags other people into it. all the time. beast dazai? even worse. hate that guy. people read beast as a dazai angst book?? what??? clearly it was sskk fodder.) Chuuya is far less intelligent than dazai, alright. not a negative, but when it comes to holding him accountable my standard isn't as high. he clearly cares for others and has a strong moral backbone, even if id disagree with him on it, unlike SOMEONE i know. he values personhood generally. mentally ill people still have free will. i don't hate dazai for being mentally ill, i hate him for the choices he makes. i understand they stem from the illness, everything exists in context or whatnot, but that doesn't excuse it. on the point about him changing for the better, i don't actually think he has. not in a significant way. once more, intentions matter. he's 'being good' because Oda told him to be, but to this day, he still manipulates the people around him - and this is an active choice. one example: everything he makes Akutagawa do. in the relationship, he's very clearly still taking advantage of the emotional abuse he put him through. it helps the ADA, but it also shows he falls into the same patterns he always has. he can change, of course, and id like to see him change, but in my eyes it hasn't really happened yet. when it does? maybe ill like skk!! ive got hope for this arc.

on a much lighter note, im pretty sure i know who Cheese is. i showed this page to a friend a couple days ago and they said something about sending an ask in. sorry about them, they talk too much. me? im very concise. This has obviously been Rimu

RIMU OMG WELCOME BACK I'VE MISSED YOUUUUU

to preface: yeah totally fine to hate a character and acknowledge their complexity. very valid perspective, don't let anyone tell you otherwise

this is getting intense (& interesting!) and i've received a few more additions to this Saga in my inbox so i supposed i'd get a little into it as well. dz's character and skk has always been interesting to me so m gonna start procuring theses... sorry

firstly, i apologize for disregarding your agency in your own media illiteracy. please understand that there was little ill intent and i was actually trying to protect you from the dazai glazers, tho idk if you rlly want my protection there. they do get kinda feisty tho so you are one brave soldier

abt the dazai brick-wall-facade thing: super interesting and yeah i generally agree with you. his inability to communicate has been emphasized and i think it's something that, if he were a real person, he'd probably have to work on LOL. idk if bsd necessarily treats it as a bad/good thing — just a Thing. but then applied to skk, i actually believe asgr puts a lot of time into showing (not telling) that dazai does Not do this with chuuya, especially when they're 22, arguably even in stormbringer (tangent for later).

it's all very subtle — laughing at the rich girl act, smiling at him during lovecraft, legitimately giving him a choice about corruption, even calling him a diff "partner" title in jp. very, very subtle shit. notice that bones kills most of this. the thing is, i think it's also made clear that chuuya easily reads through the remainder of dz's bullshit, mostly when they're 22 (but therefore suggestively 17 and on, since they haven't been in contact since dz left the pm) — playing into the rich girl joke, suggesting code-worded formations during lovecraft, reading through dazai's stupid rolling-on-floor shtick in meursault. none of this has to be explicitly romantic either, asgr employs this stuff to demonstrate that they have a close, long-term bond. again, subtle shit, probably only readable if you have the context of stormbringer, which leads into the tangent.

stormbringer dazai, or mafia dazai, is dazai at his worst. every character in bsd has a time when they are at their worst, and they are all working to redeem themselves, for themselves. that's kinda the point of the whole series: find a reason to live, for others but primarily for yourself, no matter what you've done or will do or didn't do. at the point of sb, dazai does not understand human connection as a part of the self, since he's an isolationist little imp and also a traumatized "i know too much" child. pretty sure the whole shipping container scene was meant to demonstrate this. so yeah, dazai put chuuya through physical and emotional hell because he didn't understand the weight of either of these torments. when he finally does in dark era, he gets outta his "worst."

but you'll notice that when it comes to chuuya's humanity, he gives chuuya as much time as possible and hesitates to speak. again, subtle shit. i really think it does sb a disservice to say that dazai was trying to have the best outcome for himself — his goal was to protect mori and the freshly righted PM from collapse (aka protect yokohama from collapse), and along the way chuuya gets a power-up after losing some friends and going through some pain (which isn't that deep to dz) while also hurdling the question of his humanity by finding out a bit of his past. it's a very "i'm above it" analysis of reality, which i think sets up dazai's character arc + og mindset pretty well — through dark era and fyodor, dazai faces that he cannot be "above it" if he wants to really live. and so, here we are, witnessing him come down here to eat, breathe, fall in love, and die.

abt BEAST — i agree with you lol. i think BEAST is the epitome of a dazai who is forever "above it." his only option is suffering, lackluster returns & the achievement of a singular goal, and suicide. it's a subplot and subtlety to read into. otherwise, BEAST is utterly and wholly sskk/aku/atsushi gourmet dinner.

& on the topic of dazai's death that you mentioned way back, i agree with you. dazai needs to get nerfed somehow to confront the struggles of living. i think meursault has been pretty good for that, now that fyodor's up and kicking again — dazai's been intellectually and physically bested, and now he's facing everything he thought was inconsequential. the loss of friends, of agency (lol of The Agency also), of purpose, of physical ability. his suicide stuff is quite possibly chekov's bazooka missile and he'll probably end up dying (maybe through self-sacrifice), although in a completely different tone than in BEAST. im going to tentatively trust asgr with that... it would possibly make or break dazai's character LMFAO

ugh this is so long. i have/had Thoughts and you've dragged them out. but abt dazai being good/bad (as dz glazer identifies it) or better (as you id it), i'm pretty certain the whole point of dazai is to demonstrate that there is no good or bad in the world. like. Yeah. i somewhat agree that he isn't "changing for the better" in any significant way, precisely for the reasons you pointed out. him relying on others directly is a good sign tho (trusting atsushi to handle things in dead apple, sending akutagawa as the eyes/flare, etc). i'm rather certain we're seeing, rn in meursault/airport arc, dazai's capacity to truly change being challenged. so yes!!! i too have hope for this arc :0

this ended up being pretty dz centric which is sad because skk are two components after all... but this is way too long now. as always, pleasure to read ur writing, and keep it going!!! and please say hi to your discursive cheese friend for me <3

what have you done to me, cas

[neonmetro]

HAI....SO LIKE,, OPINIONS ON MAHOU SHOJO.......... PERSONALLY IM A DIE HARD FOR IT

I've been into it since I was like 5. My parents have videos of me dancing to the music of like Precure and stuff....WHICH IS LOWKEY EMBARRASSING BUT WHATEVER

Favorite Magical Girls series 👀👀

I personally REALLY like Precure, madoka magica, and card captor sakura, and tokyo mew mew ( BUT OBVIOUSLY MORE ) I WOULD LOVEEEE TO HERE YOU RANT ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR IT 💞💞💞💞💞💞

-Paris anon

I LOVE MAHOU SHOUJO!!!!!!!!!! i have SO MANY THOUGHTS ON IT YOU HAVE NO IDEAAA!!!!

it's so good. the tropes are so funny and endearing (the running to school toast thing is the most iconic thing ever) and its SO NICE TO HAVE A BOTH EPISODIC YET CONTINUOUS STORY LINE... I LOVE MAGICAL GIRL OUTFITS ITS PEAK I FEAR

i grew up on shit like sailor moon (good lord this changed the trajectory of my life forever), kitchen princess, pichi pichi pitch mermaid melody, and shugo chara (oh my god i am obsessed with shugo chara you have no idea) so um. so far my favorite is sailor moon + shugo chara but i really have to watch utena and cardcaptor ... those will probably make it on top

SAILOR MOON'S CHARACTER DESIGN/DRESSES ARE GENUINELY SOOOO AGUGHGHGHG i love the inbetween pages for mahou shoujo especially like. naoko takeuchi's fashion sense is genuinely peak (like i said i love her dresses especially)

i don't really remember all that much about kitchen princess? but it was cute i liked the food and how much the main character liked hokkaido and flan but i also read it out of order bc UGH OTHER people want to read it TOO (art style is so cute though augh)

PICHI PICHI PITCH LEGIT SHAPED MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD EXCEPT IT WAS JUST THE FIRST VOLUME BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW PIRATING EXISTED AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GET MORE VOLUMES SO I JUST REREAD THE FIRST VOLUME OVER AND OVER AND OVER i got the book at like a bookstore used and it was just peak to me at the time (i tried going back to it. genuinely cannot get past it now i fear)

shugo chara.

FUCK I AM SO OBSESSED WITH SHUGO CHARA THE CONCEPT OF EGGS AND HOW HAVING YOUR DREAM EGG BROKEN AND LEAVING YOU BROKEN IS SO DEVASTATING AMU IS A LITERAL 5TH GRADER AND SHE GOES THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT i love you utau peach pit cannot make me hate her. her arc of having her talent abused because she's just that desperate to save her brother is so devastating, AND TADASE. MY GOAT. MY KING. YOU CAN RULE THE WORLD I BELIEVE IN YOU SEKAII ITEEE his arc is also just so bad. his grandma dies. his dog dies. his adoptive siblings leave him. now he wants to rule the world so everyone in the world can be happy because he will carry their burdens FOR THEM FUCK ITS ALL JUST SO GOOD!!!!

its definitely one of the mangas i can actually go back on and read it it holds up so well and the art style is just so cute (they got a new reboot and it was AWESOME UNTIL THAT FUCKING CAT BOY SHOWED UP (unfortunately sometimes mahou shoujo is just connected with that cringe))

I STILL NEED TO WATCH PRECURE, CARDCAPTOR, AND TOKYO MEW MEW (shields my face as i'm getting tomatoes thrown at me) I KNOW I KNOW I'M SORRY

I DO HAVE A LOT OF PRECURE TOYS FROM WHEN MY MOM WENT TO JAPAN AND BOUGHT THEM FOR ME... plus a bunch of magazines i loved shifting through when i was a kid

i also did watch precure glitter force and that was. uh. well it was interesting. (um. i mean it was. partially good. i. i liked the character designs and art.)

i did watch princess tutu and that was just so fucking good. i love fairy tales and i love toxic lesbianism and some empty ass guy and his toxic yaoi with his best friend

i'll be real. madoka magica scarred me because i saw the mami scene but then i went back to it when i was like 15 and cried over homura and the last few episodes of the main series and look at me now mentally ill and gay and i have homura as my google pfp

i have Thankfully grown as a person and i now understand the hype behind madoka magica and i need every single person on this fucking earth to watch it it is the biggest influence on novaturient ever i love the concept of witches and magical girls and that FUCK ASS CAT KYUBEY HIS IS AWESOME

soul gems are so pretty. i got these perfumes in my room that look exactly like them and i put them up and i think wow... this is just like madoka magica

i have no idea how to end this post. thank you for enabling to ramble about mahou shoujo i am so glad there are people just as insane as i am about this genre

[astrangerthatcares]

i read your reasons to live post and the "your pets wont know where you went" really got to me because they really wouldnt and i dont ever want to leave them like that, but i dont know how to really live anymore. the apathy is sucking my joy out of everything and the sadness is always in the back of my mind. when i try to picture myself in the future, i cant imagine living past graduation, because i dont even want to. right now im writing this because im about 10 hours from being 100 days clean from s/h and the only thing preventing a relapse is my mental and physical exhaustion prevent me from bothering to do it. eating has started to upset me to make me feel guilty to the point where eating nauseates me, to where even my safe foods dont feel safe anymore. i dont know what to do anymore, i cant even remember the last time i was truly happy, not just an extreme mood swing or the kind of happiness where you can feel the sadness waiting in the back of your mind. why do i have to live, why do those reasons even matter, if they are just to keep me from dying rather than making me want to live? i dont even think the answer to that question really matters to me, i think all i really wanted is to know there was a real person out there who would listen to my problems and understand/care without the fear of burdening the few people who havent left me. im sorry if this ramble makes no sense i have a headache and dont care to proofread my ask otherwise ill feel like asking you is stupid and will delete this all and bottle it back up with the rest of my emotions. i probably sound like some stupid angsty teen but i cant bother to word this all better and eloquently when it doesnt really matter anyways

Anon, honestly, you sound like a mix of an old friend of mine and I.

It does matter, but I don't care if you write like Shakespeare or you are a disaster. I know it is hard to live. That's the whole point of it. I know I sound like a Mr. Wonderful mug, but in the end you can always find a way to be happy. It might be to read, to be with somebody, music or anything actually.

Now, these reasons are important, because I can't tell you how to be happy living, but if you die you really can't live happily. If you keep living you'll find happiness, trust me. Maybe not today, maybe not in a month, but you'll find it.

A lot of people stop liking to do stuff when they are depressed and don't want to live, but there is something the people I know that have gone through this like- music. I have a friend that learned every Alan Walker song. Another one played the violin. And the other just played rendom music. Try it. If you want to, through private messages you can tell me who you are. We can talk in a way that helps you more if I know more about you. No need to do it tho.

Please, be safe anon

-Stranger