#im so. numb with anxiety (????) like ????? stuck ?????? like waiting for this to be .... finalized ???????

[kimmkitsuragi]

ahhh.

[hes-writer]

Ruin

Summary: im not sure how to summarize this without spoiling the story

Warning: angst, bits of fluff here and there

Word Count; 4158 words

A/N: the long-awaited part 6 of the Tarnish series! A collab with @devilinbetweenthesheet-s. My attention span is short itself so I've decided to split it up into two parts.

UNEDITED

___

Harry tried to see the brighter side of the situation because it truly was something to look forward to. Having the chance to get to know Halo was something that he should be grateful for. As Y/N said, Harry did not deserve to be a part of her life, despite the fact that he was the father. And somewhere, somehow— he understood where she was coming from.

Harry honestly wouldn’t know what he would do if the roles were reversed; if Y/N were the one to have been cheating on him. He would not have a clue if Harry would be as kind to her as she was with him. If an outsider were to assess the situation between Harry and Y/N, they would definitely choose her side to be in favour of. So far, Harry still wasn’t able to pinpoint what exactly Y/N had done wrong for him to be swayed by an illicit affair. Was there even a moment in time that he could vividly see where he made the decision to just up and betrayed her trust? Because if there was; either his memory has gone to shit or Harry was more of a jerk than he served himself.

To put things into perspective, Y/N was the perfect partner and Harry had somehow lost sight of that by cheating on her. Don’t get him wrong; Camille was good, great, even. Yet Y/N was an amazing woman who knew exactly what she wanted. Coincidentally, those were the same type of things that Harry needed, too. As much as it pained him to say it, Camille’s rejection of their own little family made him rethink his decision-making process. Harry has learned more about himself in these past few months than he did in his entire lifetime.

For starters, he cleared it up that he had absolutely no excuse for cheating on Y/N except the fact that his retention span lasted a good few years before he was in search of something fresh; something new and exciting. Maybe it scared him just how serious she was in having a family in the future that his subconscious thought that Harry needed one last hurrah to get the infidelity out. Besides, divorces are more complicated when there are children involved.

Secondly, being with Camille was an infatuation that lasted for a long, three years—beginning while Harry was in a relationship with Y/N. Feelings were still there for sure, but he just didn’t know if it was enough to make him stay, especially when Y/N and baby Halo were right there waiting for him. They actually weren’t; Harry just liked to pretend that they were so that he could justify the consequences of his actions.

Camille was trying to make things work with him; Harry could see that. However, there were only so many things that she could do to improve their relationship before she had to change the choices that she had made years prior. Camille really didn’t want to say that she had refuted the idea of not having kids for the sake of making a relationship prosper, but maybe it was what she had to do to make him stay. She wanted a happy life with someone who wanted the same things as her. Harry wasn’t the man who shared a mutual agreement and she was pushed to question her options.

Nonetheless, Camille and Harry stuck with each other because they were all they knew for the past three and a half years. It was definitely ironic for Harry to say that he couldn’t just leave a three-year relationship behind for another woman; because he had done that before. Now, he was a hypocrite too? His ego cannot take it.

____

Connor wrapped his arms around Y/N’s middle as she washed the dishes in the sink. Their water heater was broken so the stream that came from the faucet sometimes teetered from freezing cold to extremely hot. Right now, she was scrubbing the sponge on the porcelain as quickly as possible while the water was at the right temperature.

Y/N turned her head to the side, pressing a kiss on Connor’s cheek. He rested his chin on her shoulder, bobbing up and down as she moved her arms.

“Is this really a good idea, baby?” Connor asked, staring at the way her lashes fluttered in a pregnant pause, taking a deep breath.

She nodded, reaching over slightly to rest the wet dish on the drying rack. “Halo deserves to at least know her real father,”

And it was true. What kind of mother would Y/N be if she kept a secret like that from her own daughter? The past two years was a constant ping-pong battle of reaching out to Harry and sharing the news to him; then, Y/N would be hit with a shot of realization, wondering if this would ruin his current lifestyle.

“I understand. What if he leaves again? Hate to remind you but Harry left you once before, don’t think he’ll hesitate to do so again,”

She froze at Connor’s words. Y/N was aware that he only said that in good faith, to remind her of how hurt she was at the time and just how long it took for her to be able to finally breathe again.

One side of Y/N urged to still defend Harry. She wanted to turn and around, yell at him because Connor doesn’t know Harry as she does. Harry wasn’t the type to build a child’s dreams up only for him to personally manhandle the heart and crush it in his fist. There was a reason why he was a godfather to so many kids; Ruby, Arlo and Jackson—because he was capable. Harry was a nurturing father who put himself on the back burner in favour of making sure that the little ones were safe and secured. He had no problem being third if it meant that the kids were first, then Y/N, then him.

It all sounded so good in Y/N’s head; so well-rehearsed and very well thought out. The monologue that had somehow stuck in the sides of her brain like a script taped to the wall, ready for the time it needed to be recited. The shredded pieces of paper also reminded her that Y/N might’ve known Harry before, but she certainly doesn’t anymore. In fact, she knew just as much as Connor did.

Just like Y/N had grown and evolved into a new person, Harry was not the same guy he once was when they were together.

“I told him the consequences if he did,”

Connor pulled back, stepping away from her. “But wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t take that chance? Who knows what he might do. . .” He trailed off, grabbing a dry rag to wipe the water dripping from the dish.

Y/N took a leap of faith in letting Harry in. He was a wild card. He could promise one thing but would mean another. Or he could recite a vow and completely annihilate the person as he did with her. Yet somehow, Y/N couldn’t resist the opportunity to give him one chance. Maybe it was because a small part of her craved to re-create a happy family that they had always wanted.

“It’s a risk. I know that” Y/N rinsed a cup, swirling the water in circles. She felt like that whenever Harry was around.

“So why are you still doing it?” Y/N opened her mouth to answer, “And tell me the truth this time, yeah?”

Her boyfriend stared at her with an unreadable emotion in his eyes, lips drew taut in a straight line and arms were crossed over his broad chest. The pressure was immense on Y/N’s shoulders. She was torn between admitting what she had buried deep below the sand or simply glossing over it like a figure skater. Nonetheless, Y/N was on thin ice.

For years, she had flicked away the remaining feelings that stayed with her. But they were persistent in sticking by her side. It wasn’t like Y/N could completely erase Harry from her life--from who she was. She still dressed like him, evidenced by the matching pair of Gucci loafers she chose not to wear for the night in fear that he would coincidentally be sporting the same footwear.

Furthermore, they had a child together! Halo was the spitting image of him. It was hard not to be reminded by a man she once loved when their little baby was both of them mixed in one. So did Y/N still love Harry? She couldn’t deny how much her heart fluttered seeing him stutter over his words at the park. Y/N just wasn’t sure if it was from anxiety and nervousness or excitement and anticipation.

Unbeknownst to the couple, Harry had sneakily closed a sleeping Halo’s bedroom door. His trek back to the kitchen was slow, slightly afraid of the awaiting talk he and Y/N--and possibly Connor-- have yet to have. Harry wanted to be there for Halo and for Y/N every step of the way, but he knew that Y/N would not allow him around if his intentions were to cater to a relationship with her. She was already tolerating him as is.

Standing behind the thin wall that acted as a partition from the hallway to the kitchen, Harry carefully placed his hands against the barrier to steady himself. He didn’t know if his legs could take whatever answer would spill from Y/N’s mouth. If she admitted her true feelings, he would stumble and melt into a puddle. He would be confused, but Harry wouldn’t be opposed to it; he was in a relationship after all. If she denied it--which was the more likely option--, his heart would break silently in his chest.

Harry numbed himself of the guilt raking at his ankles. He was well aware that this was a private conversation but hey; it was not his fault that he had ears straining to listen to Y/N’s reply.

“Do you still love him?” Connor followed up, voice grim. Almost fearful to find out the truth. Harry was, too.

Y/N paused her thoughts as well as her actions, flinching at the sudden intrusion of Connor’s question. She flinched, yelping a little and jumping backwards when the broken water heater subdued the filtering liquid into a burning hot splatter on her skin. Connor picked his feet up in alarm, grabbing at Y/N’s wrist to see the minor injury on the back of her palm.

“Ow!” Y/N whisper-shouted, soothing the ache by situating it between her thighs before shakily showing it to Connor; the doctor.

“Let me see, baby,”

Harry peeked his head around the corner, almost losing his cover with the way his feet instantaneously wanting to move towards a hurting Y/N. Good thing he caught himself. Surely they would put two and two together and realize that Harry was eavesdropping.

That decision came with a laceration to his heart. Harry got a first-class ticket to register that the couple was everything he and Y/N were. The pet names, the domesticity of their actions. The caring glances and constant check-ups.

Deciding to come out of hiding, Harry almost had a heart attack when he turned the corner and was met face to face with Connor. His brows had dipped in worry, face determined to grab some cream to apply to the burn from their first-aid kit in the bathroom. Harry guessed that his whizzing thoughts failed to hear the quiet instruction.

The man jolted in surprise, stopping quickly in his tracks, “Oh hey! Is Halo asleep?” Connor gave him a smile despite the confusion etching in his forehead. Harry nodded dumbly, lips pursing like a fish. “Y/N’s just burned her hand, nothing too serious though,”

He looked over his shoulder to see Y/N eyeing the both of them suspiciously, still clutching the burnt skin close to her. “Oh, I see,”

Connor smacked a firm hand on his shoulder, stepping around him to grab the cream. Harry walked towards Y/N, noticing that she was soothing the painful ache with ice wrapped in layers of tissue. She was softly hissing through her teeth once in a while.

“You okay?”

She tilted her head at him, appearing to be dazed out in her thoughts. “Yeah, uh, nothing too bad,”

Harry kept his distance, leaning on the other side of the counter. He started off by saying, “Thank you for giving me this chance,”

Y/N graced him with a smile, standing up straighter when Connor appeared with a tube in his hand. Harry watched as he unscrewed the cap, placing it beside her. He squeezed a bit of the cream unto his fingertip before applying it directly on Y/N’s skin. She winced, wanting to pull her wrist away from his grip but Connor didn’t let her, “It’s gonna be fine, baby,”

He pressed a kiss to her temple, continuing to rub circles on the burn until Y/N visibly relaxed through slouched shoulders and less shaky breaths.

Harry was staring at them like a kicked puppy. He was fussy and frustrated all in one. He wanted the attention that Y/N was giving Connor. He wanted to be Connor, but both of them were too wrapped up in their little love bubble to notice Harry’s squinted eyes and pinched brows.

He was frustrated because even if he wasn’t the direct cause of her pain, Harry had somehow found a way to continue hurting her and Connor was always there to pacify his wrongful actions. Harry hated that this was how fate had planned his life.

Harry cleared his throat, raising a fist to his mouth, “Think I should go,” His thumb pointed over his shoulder, “Uh thank you again,”

Y/N snapped her head to him, gaze lowering in a timid manner as if she forgot that he was even there in the first place. Connor was the first to reply, “Alright, man. See you whenever,” He capped the tub, shoving it in his back pocket to return to its place.

She leaned on her tiptoes to press a kiss on his lips, muttering something in his ear that had Connor teasingly wrapping his hands on her hips. Harry looked away, taking long strides to the entryway instead.

“Harry, wait!”

He shuddered at the memory of the words that had changed his life when Gemma told him the truth. Harry’s shoe was half-way one when he turned around. “Yeah?”

Y/N was holding a folded brochure, “Halo has a recital this weekend for her dance class,” She handed it to him, “Maybe you’d want to go? You can bring Camille if you want but I think it would be better if you didn’t. She’s still new to this and I don’t want her asking too many questions until she can unders--,”

“I’ll go,” Harry cut her off, unfolding the folded paper. The venue was about twenty minutes away from his place. It was only an hour-long considering the skill set of two-year-olds but it was a fun way for parents to cheer on their little ones. Harry’s previously sour mood was now replaced with giddiness at the sight of his daughter in a pretty pink tutu, twirling on her feet. He was sure that Halo was born to become a performer like him.

She sighed in relief, puffing her cheeks out cutely, “It’s a private dance class. Pretty high end so the security should be okay,”

And there it was again. The constant reminder that Harry was otherworldly to some people. As much as he loved living his lifestyle, he sometimes wished that he was a normie. That was a lot to ask for considering his current situation with his daughter, but a man can dream.

“Got it,”

Y/N leaned over to show him the back of the leaflet, “Just show them this ticket and security should let you in. Halo wanted me to give that to you because she was too shy earlier. I know it’s short notice but I guess she was comfortable enough to ask you,”

Harry blushed at the admittance, mentally patting himself at the back for making his daughter feel at ease in a short amount of time.

“I’ll be there,” He pushed his heel to adorn his sneakers. Y/N bit her lip, she looked hesitant, “It’s okay if you don’t want to go, by the way. I can explain that you’re busy. She’ll probably understand,”

He placed a hand on her shoulder. Harry wasn’t going to ruin his progressive relationship with his daughter on ‘probably’. “Y/N, s’alright. No problem, yeah? I’ll be there,”

___

Where was he?

It was two days after the dinner and Harry’s promise of attending Halo’s recital was vanishing with each passing second. Every time the hand of the clock ticked to indicate that another minute had elapsed. Harry still wasn’t jogging through the carpeted middle of the small theatre to where Connor and Y/N were seated. Two empty seats were left at the end of the aisle to aid Harry--and possibly Camille--a smooth arrival without creating any distractions.

There were only five minutes left before the stage crew were to dim the spotlights illuminating the room. Y/N was checking her watch what felt like every second, clicking her phone on and off once in a while worried that something may have happened to Harry. Maybe security wouldn’t let him in. The gnawing feeling at the pit of her stomach suggested that Harry just forgot the event tonight but Y/N would cross the bridge when they got to it. Regardless, her nerves were left unsettled as swallowing proved to be more difficult with the way a sip of her water had her gulping audibly. Connor wasn’t there to lend a soft hand on her upper back to help her breathe.

Speaking of, Connor had taken the initiative to visit Halo backstage. The ballet teacher was growing weary of the way the little dancer ran out from beside the stage to stop in front of her parents, asking, “Where’s Hawwy?”.

Halo had done it three times in hopes of receiving an answer aside from, “He’s not here yet,” Y/N tucked a fallen strand of hair from the otherwise sleek bun from beside her cheeks. Her daughter’s form slouching as her pretty eyes watered slightly, “He’s not coming? You told me he was coming, mama,”

Y/N glanced at Connor nervously, being met with an ‘I-told-you-so’ look which didn’t really help the situation. Luckily, the teacher had approached them with a clipboard on hand, searching for the ballerina. The teacher had suggested that one of them stay with her behind the curtain until the show began. Connor volunteered.

“Better hope he comes or else we’ll have to deal with the consequences. I really don’t want to see her heartbroken before of a promise he couldn’t keep,” Connor muttered, following the woman but not before thumbing circles on Y/N’s flushed cheek.

Y/N knew that he meant well. She also didn’t want to comfort a heartbroken Halo because Harry failed to show up where he promised he would be. And now, with a little less than two minutes before showtime, Connor was sent back beside her. Parents were being ushered to find their seats before the lights dimmed and it would be difficult to maneuver through knees and legs.

“Is he here?” Connor questioned, draping a hand on her shaking knee. Y/N shook her head, casting another glance at the auditorium doors. He waved at Halo who peeked her head between the silk curtains, wandering eyes looking at the empty seat beside Y/N.

“No. Hasn’t texted or answered his phone either,” Y/N was about to dial Harry’s contact once more in a desperate attempt to reach him. However, the dimming lights indicated that it was too late. Connor laced their fingers together, offering apologetic eyes and a tight-lipped smile; they would have to nurse a broken heart later tonight.

_____

Harry was in the middle of buttoning his patterned shirt, staring at his reflection in the mirror to silently judge his fashion choice for the night. Was it too much for a kids’ ballet recital? He deemed that it was, stretching his arms to remove the fabric adorning his chest, moving to grab the pink, flamingo patterned shirt instead. He took his time, granted that he had about an hour before the recital started.

He smoothed the fabric over his broad shoulders, pausing when Camille walked in. Harry locked his green eyes at her through the mirror as she walked to their shared bed, sitting at the foot of it.

“What d’ya think?”

She hummed in response, absentmindedly nodding in agreement when Harry asked if it was good. Both Camille and Harry had talked about his relationship with Halo as soon as she landed at the airport. He didn’t want to keep any secrets from her. Fortunately, Camille was very understanding of his situation, offering him support and encouragement to build a bond with his daughter.

What Camille didn’t reveal was that she was a bit antsy of Harry’s relationship with Y/N. She meant everything she had said to him, but it was no guarantee that Harry would ignite another connection with his ex-girlfriend. Not that Camille didn’t trust him. It was just a bit concerning because she believed that how a relationship starts is how it will end. Harry certainly had a history of straying away from his present partner.

Harry was currently in their walk-in closet, finding a pair of slacks that weren't too formal or casual. Camille mulled the thoughts in her head. She loved Harry dearly and would do anything for him. Well, anything except having children of their own. He had mostly accepted her decision, only wincing a little when the topic of a family was brought up by mutual friends and family once in a while.

Truth to be told, Camille was scared. She was afraid that Harry would leave for Y/N because she had Halo. They were the family that he had always wanted and although Camille wasn’t too keen on giving him the same; she was debating on it.

“How’s this, Cam?” Harry retreated with two pairs of pants. On one hand was a pair of straight-leg skinny jeans that he hadn’t worn in years. The other held brown, corduroy, striped slacks. “Or this one?”

She bit her lip, standing up slowly, walking over to him. “What do I think?”

He nodded, innocently jutting his bottom lip at her as he looked back and forth.

Camille swathed her hands on his shoulders, ghosting her mouth over his ear, “I think I like you better without them,” Her finger traced his collarbone, swirling at the dip of his throat. “Without anything,”

Harry gulped harshly. He felt Camille unbuttoning his shirt, gliding her palms downwards until she was cupping his bulge, “Camille, wait,” He flicked his watch to check the time. It took twenty minutes to get there, maybe even more with traffic and parking.

She dragged him to the bed by the ends of his opened shirt, locking her lips with his plush ones. He rested a knee on the mattress, his hands at the back of her head as Camille continued to pull him down.

Pulling away, Harry panted, “What are you doin’?” He laid his creased forehead on hers.

Camille supported herself on her hands, moving her face back until she was able to get a clear view of his perplexed expression, “I was thinking that maybe we could. . . try having a baby, H,” Her voice was soft, almost timid and she was doing her best not to break eye contact to show her sincerity.

Harry gasped in surprise, “Wha--? Really? Are you serious?” His tone gained a pitch as excitement enthralled his senses. The smile on his face was wide and reached his bright eyes. “Baby, are you sure?”

Camille nodded, grinning softly. “Yes,���

“Oh my--this is. . .,” Harry pulled at the locks of his hair, pacing around the room. “This is great! Our own family. Jesus. I can’t believe it,” Tears sprung on his corneas.

He kneeled between her legs, taking her wrist and pressing a gentle kiss on her skin, murmuring ‘I love you’ repeatedly.

“Are you going to keep doing that?” Camille asked, spreading her legs rhetorically. Harry observed her position, nodding enthusiastically.

Another glance at his watch indicated that Harry was absolutely pushing it with being late to Halo’s recital. Yet one enchanting kiss from Camille wiped his thoughts clean. He was getting what he wanted; a family of his own.

___

Let us know what you thought! The seventh part of the Tarnish series will be uploaded on Patreon on Sept 29!

___

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[energyanon]

Henry Reading Part II

As always, I wrote this in real time, and edited punctuation after. I’ve italicised all of the “placements” names so hopefully it makes more sense for you guys to know what placement i’m talking about. Also keep in mind everytime i move to a next placement its because the energy has said all it needs to with the last person. And also note everytime that anything in the field moves, I have to check in with everything else cause movement means change in the dynamic, and so it’s always good to check in to see what the placements think about that. Guys... it’s a long one but... Im cautiously hopeful at the moment omg. 

Placing HC, body, image/status and fans.

HC, body and I/S are standing beside each other in a line. Body was close to HC, then I/S wanted to be on top of him, for energetic reasons I put image next to him instead, wedged between him and body.

Immediately HC just wanted to sit down and relax but felt claustrophobic with everything so close to him. A little anxious, very hot, and off kilter. He wanted to move away from the other two, so I moved him. He’s now in the furthest part of the field, but he is SMOKING hot like I’m BOILING.

Image/status also is feeling a bit off kilter, it keeps swaying one way to the next but heavily leaning towards Body now. Like as if it’s entire gravity is based off of “body”s orbit.

When Image/Status looks at Henry it doesn’t even seem to recognise him. Kind of like a “what are you doing here” and it’s heavily leaning towards body, it has no regard for HC as a human whatsoever.

Body is also a little off kilter but feels like it can’t move or feel anything, and it’s only swaying to each side slightly. There’s a lot of pressure in the throat/lungs. But otherwise body is numb. It doesn’t feel like a living organism it feels like a statue.

Body will not look anywhere besides in front of it and down.

You know what it feels like, it feels like Body is standing in those lines in the military where a captain is walking down and assessing every person there and you have to stand still and silent and wait for this person to assess you and then leave. It’s a very obedient feeling like “I have to stay here and do what I’m told”

It doesn’t feel like it has any freedom whatsoever.

So I’m gonna add Body IMAGE, instead of just Body and see how they interact.

Oh I just remembered I have placed fans but literally none of them are paying any attention to it. So we move on.

Body image is directly in front of Henry. If it could be apart of him it would, but it’s standing in front of him, noses touching.

It feels like a mother (yikes)

It’s telling him he’s not good enough

Hands on hips, it’s very stern.

100% a mother energy. Not a MOTHERLY energy it feels like a stocky woman shorter, has authority over him and he respects it.

I know that sounds like DG, but this is just the “energy” I’m feeling so it could be actual mother or another woman in his life that has this kind of energy. It could also be that females are a heavy influence on his life.

Body Image is Disappointed “you can do better”. it’s looking him straight in the eyes. It’s not happy with him at all, it doesn’t seem to have any compassion for him, it almost feels disgusted, like it shouldn’t have to be wasting it’s time but it is. It also feels like a bit of a bully like if he wants to move it moves with him going “where are you going huh. You stay right here you can’t walk away from me”

Henry

Surprisingly, he isn’t crippled by body image being there it’s more like it’s a nuisance.

Body Image to him feels very military once again, “this is my superior, I have to listen I have to do what it wants, but I’m tired of listening to it. But I’m just gonna stand here and shut up and be as invisible as possible until it does.” Feels very “sir yes sir” to him.

He feels very stuck here but he WANTS to move (that’s great news) he just feels like he can’t while body image is in the way and he’s not gonna try until it’s gone.

When he looks at BODY he’s looking at it forlorn. Like he wants to be United with body, but body is listening to whatever it’s being commanded by and so is he, so neither of them can move.

I got him to look at fans cause I wasn’t feeling anything for them. When he looks at fans he gets instant anxiety but also doesn’t believe he has the time to deal with that right now and he just wants to look over at Body. Anxiety leaves as soon as he stops looking at fans.

There’s a sadness when he looks at Body, almost like he misses a lover. He wants it back. He wants to hug it and tell it that it’s ok, he wants to comfort it. He feels like Body is in a worse place than he is. He thinks Body is struggling. When he looks at status/image he actually has 0 concern he’s just worried about Body.

I moved to fans. Fans feels nothing for the field. Makes sense cause it seems like no one is paying attention to it. I’m taking that to mean that fans doesn’t need to be here. It’s not the issue being dealt with. I’m taking fans out.

Taking note that HC doesn’t seem as unbelievably depressed as he was in the last one but we also have a different set up. But still interesting.

Body:

Body still an absolute statue will not look anywhere but ahead

Status/Image The only movement status wants is to be CLOSER to Body so that they are almost one. I’ve got status/image behind Body, but hugging it from behind. Not in a loving way but it feels connected it feels like that’s where it’s meant to be

Body:

Body immediately feels hot with S/I there behind it. It’s falling back a little but eyes still ahead. Still a statue. Feels… almost comfort with S/I there but it’s not comfort it’s like.. it feels… more stable.. like body doesn’t WANT it there but it’s not going to move and if S/I moved it would almost feel like a loss. It wouldn’t know what to do with itself.

Henry

Now that S/I has moved behind body and is hugging it, HC is panicked, still not moving, still blocked by body image but he’s looking at S/I now, S/I has his full attention.

His first thought was “no please don’t move there” and now he’s just staring at S/I knowing he can do nothing

Ok INTERESTING. He felt the need to draw his attention back to Body and get its attention by YELLING (almost like there’s a chasm between them but they’re actually really close in this constellation) he’s yelling “know your worth” and just that over and over again.

(Which frankly, I’m impressed by).

But Body isn’t listening to him so he just keeps yelling almost desperately? Body image is trying to get his attention but he won’t give it to it.

Body image:

Is annoyed, wants to grab his face and get HC’s eyes back on it. “I own you.”

It’s doing everything it can to get HC to pay attention when his eyes aren’t on it it wants to get abusive.

Like real abusive. Beating him to the ground.

I’ve followed the movement, and HC is on the ground.

It’s crouched over HC now and it’s just belittling him, it’s hammering into him. “Disgusting Pig”. “No one will ever love you what worth do you have.” It’s just laying it on him it’s not kind in anyway, it’s so horrible.

Henry:

Ok this is interesting cause I go back to Henry and I assumed he would be absolutely hurt by this but he’s not.

The feeling is that of an abused kid whose just had enough but can’t leave their parents just yet. like it hurts him emotionally but it’s more of a wince, he’s used to it, and he’s numb to the rest of it. He’s saying to Body image “let me go. Please.” “Please leave me alone you’ve made your point”

There again is almost that feeling of crying but it’s just the base of the emotion it’s not enough to get watery eyes.

Oh. That would make sense.

The good news is that HC doesn’t feel absolutely crippled by this.. he just feels like he’s stuck in an abusive relationship and he knows that he’s stronger than it, and whenever it says he’s disgusting he knows that he’s not. He keeps reiterating that to himself and saying that to body image, but it’s conflicting because he’s also too tired to get up and leave and fully believe it. It’s like eventually the abuse from Body Image wears him down and he knows even if he gets up and fights back it’s just gonna be there the next day wearing him down again.

Ah.

That energy has passed now, he’s sitting back up. He’s still blocked by Body image which is now sitting in front of him, still so close its touching. But Henry is breathing heavy as if he was just in a fight. And this feeling is similar to the last reading, the absolute hopelessness not knowing what to do, deep sighs feeling lost. Disassociating. Just.. over it.

Body:

Ok now body is looking at Henry and it feels so sad over what just transpired and it wants to comfort him but it doesn’t want to piss off body image.

It’s now looking forlorn at HC. And Body finally wants to move away from status/image.

I moved it to where it wanted to be - the edge of the field. And it’s turned around facing status/image and it’s defiant. “You don’t own me”

Body isn’t angry, it’s just defiant and protective. If S/I takes one more step body will bark at it like a ferocious dog. That’s the feeling.

Body is staring S/I down.

Status/Image

S/I didn’t feel anything about Body doing that it just went “ok. I’ll move myself somewhere else then” with a bitchy little smirk.

And placed itself in front of Body image and in between it and HC.

And now status is sitting too. All three of them. Sitting.

Status/image feels like it’s good friends with Body Image.

Henry: With that move, Henry now feels like he’s behind a wall.

A giant Ass brick wall and he can’t see anything beyond it.

Another deep sigh. He’s sick of it.

He’s so tired.

Body Image: Body image feels like S/I is almost like a daughter to it. It’s much younger but it likes status/image there.. in a really mean way, like it keeps looking at HC like 😏 see? How are you going to escape us. And wants to pat S/I’s head.

Body:

Body can’t seem to notice anything around it it’s almost like everything has vanished now because the other three are behind a brick wall and that wall is absolutely invisible to body. Body is just looking around like “well fuck.”

It feels like it has nothing to do now.

(Controversial……. I’m going to place HC’s younger self..)

Younger Self HC

HC’s younger self has placed himself in front of body but further away, he’s shaking and anxious looking at Body. Body feels like it is looming and intimidating but little HC still wants to be friends but not sure how. He’s holding himself like a shy little boy. Head is kind of ducked. And he can’t quite look at Body in the eye. Body needs to make the first move

Body: Body very hesitantly made the first move and knelt in front of little HC. It was kind to him but in a pitying kind of way. It said “hello little one”

And just knelt there. Little HC gave body a hug, and body couldn’t reciprocate its the feeling of when an adult has something devastating and sad to tell the child but hasn’t told him just yet.

Little Henry

Hesitantly hugging Body. Very awkward it’s taking a while to get used to being this close to body.

But when he does get used to it, body feels very warm, very motherly. It feels like a motherly hug.

Still even then the crying feeling is BASE level, not getting watery eyes or anything.

(I need to find where the basis of where this lack of crying is or it’s going to drive me insane.)

I’m leaving it there, as HC has accepted where he is atm, even if it’s behind a wall, he has the same feelings as he did in the last reading, I can’t get those to go away without a constellation, but I felt like there was movement with young HC and body bonding and having a little cuddle.

That’s some healing movement right there 

OOO actually let me check how HC feels about young him and body making a nice little movement like that.

Henry:

OH!!!!!?

Ok the brick wall feels like glass now, he can see through it. But he’s got a little smile on his face seeing little him and body having a hug.

He feels like he may be stuck here but at least that happened?

He feels a lot more hopeful and alive than he did the last time I checked on him in this reading.

Awake too.

He doesn’t feel like the two in front of him are even blocking him anymore. Like they are but he feels like he could sneak away..

but he just doesn’t want to just yet he’s too tired he can’t be bothered, but he’s feeling MUCH better now.

He feels hopeful

And that makes him happy.  And that’s finally where I will end it.

Guys OMG. POSITIVE MOVEMENT!!!! WE GOT IT!!  Note: Ok, I didn’t move tiny henry. tiny henry moved HIMSELF. That’s HC’s little inner self making MOVEMENT. I didn’t facilitate that, that was where the energy wanted to go all on it’s own. 

Which is PHENOMENAL AND WONDERFUL NEWS?!?!? Also I have left little HC and Body hugging for the moment cause I feel like that needs to fully integrate.  Small movements but HUGE. 

[chefrat]

breaking point

pairings:  Wakatoshi Ushijima x Reader

type: I guess it could count as angst, break up type :0 idk

word-count: 2.7k

warnings: cursing, mentions of fighting, he hurts reader physically without meaning to

A/N: running on no sleep again aha, its just five in the morning so im really sorry if its not a strong story, also my English is supppeerr shitty but :( I try my best, ill probably rewrite it one day because the ending wasnt strong but im just so sleepy :( and I really wanted to finish writing this tonight. im still working on the part 2 of liar lair buut because people seemed to enjoy it I want to at least make it better than the other ones I've written :o also I really don't know what to name this ://////

____________________

Arguments between couples was completely normal, it was a very common thing to be disagreeing with your significant other over things once in a while. Or at least that’s what you kept telling yourself to pull through the nights whenever Toshi felt like picking a fight with you. Your relationship with him only kept on getting worse and worse each day, the constant fighting draining you mentally and physically. If you knew your relationship with him was going to turn out like this then you wouldn’t had agreed to that date four years ago. But how could you say no to him? Back in high school, everything was more simple. The memories from years ago is what kept you grounded in your relationship, he used to be so loving and caring in his own way. Now whenever you looked at him, you couldn’t believe how much things had changed. How much he changed. Volleyball and managing to do excellent in school were major stressors for him and you tried your best to be there for him no matter what, even excusing his brutal behavior. 

You sighed, picking up your pace and making your way towards your shared apartment with your boyfriend. It was around nine o’clock and you had missed your bus after finishing up a shift that you didn’t even agreed on but you couldn’t just say no. The bus wouldn’t take that long to come around but you rather walk home then wait out in the cold. A familiar stinging in your chest returned after thinking about what he would have to say. You knew he would disapprove of coming home so late but you hoped he would understand that you had to take the extra shift. Anxiety invading all your thoughts, thinking of the worse thing that could happen. Mentally praying to yourself that he was in a good mood tonight. 

Breaking up had been something you’ve put a lot of thought into but you kept lying to yourself. Telling yourself that he would change and that as soon the both of you were out of school that it would all go back to normal. You weren’t stupid though, you wouldn’t know how to feel if you kept your relationship with him. The things he would say shattered your confidence and with his tone, it was enough to make anyone rethink their whole purpose. You weren’t even sure why you stuck around. Could it had been that you were just hopelessly in love with him even after every damaging word he would scream at you until you fully memorized it or was it because you were just too afraid to leave him? Afraid of the way that he would react or possibly lash out. The warm and cuddly boyfriend you once knew so well now could only bring you fear instead of that longing warmth. 

You kicked off your shoes, finally making it home way before the bus could if you had waited for it. The apartment was quiet, too quiet. He probably was already in bed, catching up on sleep that he had sacrificed on practice and studying. A sigh of relief left your lungs, thinking to yourself that finally there wouldn’t be any arguing tonight. You smiled, making your way towards your room to take a shower before going to bed. Too tired to eat dinner. As soon as you opened the door, your hopes came crushing down. There he sat on the bed with his phone in his hand, scrolling through it. Your breath caught in your throat, scared for whatever was going to happen. 

“Where were you?” He asked, still not looking up from his phone. The tone he used wasn’t harsh or cold. It was his usual tone, the one you grew to love in high school. 

“I’m so sorry, they made me take an extra shift and then my b-“ Toshi finally looked up and made sure to make eye contact with you. The look in his eyes felt so cold that it made you want to cry. A reminder that there will never be a peaceful night with him.

“And then your what?” His tone never changed but the look in his eyes. It was the look. 

“And then I missed my bus because of the extra shift…Please Toshi, please don’t be mad.” You could already feel your tears forming in your eyes. The exhaustion getting to you now, there was just so much that you could take until you just couldn’t anymore and right now it felt like that was the case.

“What the fuck are you crying for? It was just a question. Lately you’ve been spending every day crying. Seems like all you’re good for is crying.” There it was, the tone you were so afraid of, finally making its appearance. With both the look he had in his eyes and his tone, you just couldn’t hold back on the tears. 

“Because of you! I cry every day because of you. Everyday I wake up and I’m scared of what new insults you’ll come up with! I’m so scared of you and I’m tired, so fucking tired of putting up with the fighting and the way you look at me as if you hate me…” With a blurry vision from your tears you could still make out his face and he was still giving you that awful look.

“Don't talk to me like that. You don’t think I’m tired of the fighting too? You're constantly bitching, I get tired of that too!” You fixed your stare to a glare, mimicking the look he was giving you. It ended up pissing him off even more, making him stand up from the bed, the movement making you flinch.

“My constant bitching is because you’re constantly a dick!” You had never yelled at him like this before, it was all new to him and you. His jaw tensed, holding back from lashing out. 

“Don’t fucking yell at me.” He said through gritted teeth, standing tall in front of you now. The way he approached you was frightening. But you didn’t care, you were finally letting out every little thing you were holding in for months. 

“I-“ A hiccup interrupting your sentence. “I can’t do this anymore!” Toshi tightened his brows, looking at you with a deep frown planted on his face. “I want to break up.”

You felt your breathing stop when you felt both hands on you. He was never one to put his hands on you and you couldn’t help but just cry harder, scared of what could happen. It seemed like the more you cried the harder his grip on you got, his large hands squeezing your arms feeling like they would snap any minute. His grip on you was vile, feeling your arms go numb from the tightening. 

“Please stop, you're hurting me!” Your tears clouded your vision, not being able to see him clearly anymore. But he wouldn’t loosen his grip, his anger controlling him. 

“Toshi, you’re hurting me.” You sobbed out and finally getting him to react. He let go, his eyes wide with fear, afraid of the pain he brought you. His eyes looking over your arms and seeing his hand prints, the guilt settling in and making him feel like the worst fucking person in the world. 

The both of you stood there in front of each other without moving. His own tears threatening to spill from his eyes but he tried his best to hold them back. He couldn’t cry in front of you, not while he had brought you so much pain. It wasn’t fair to you, he wasn’t fair to you. 

You left without saying anything, the only thing he could hear as you walked away was your crying and small gasps for air. He didn’t chase after you, he couldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair to you if he had. It was late and you had no idea where you would go, you did have a name in mind but you weren’t sure how to approach him. Especially with the forming bruises on your arm, he would just ask so many questions and you weren’t in the mood to answer anything at the moment. Your feet still dragged you to his place, it’s not like you had anywhere to go after walking out and leaving your bag and all your other belongings behind. 

-

“Hmm?” Tendou murmured after opening the door to his apartment and seeing his friends girlfriend crying her eyes out and shivering from the cold. He could only frown, imagining the worst. “Hey, are you okay?”

He felt the air get knocked out of him when you rammed your body into his, sobbing into his chest and hugging him. The red head returned the hug, still having no clue why you were crying your eyes out in his apartment at such a late hour. With his leg he was able to softly kick the door to his apartment to shut out the cold. You pulled away, a little more calm now after being able to get a hug. Tendou stood by your side patiently as you calmed down, rubbing his hand against your small back and feeling your breathing go back to steady. 

That’s when he stopped his comforting, his eyes widening at the soft pink fingerprints on your arm and then on your other arm. “Did he do this to you?” He asked, making you follow him to the small kitchen he had. He reached into his freezer to take out an icepack, offering it to you for your forming bruises. You could only nod to him, your throat feeling sore from the amount of sobs you tried to keep in on your way over. 

“We broke up.” Tendou offered you a hug to try to make you feel better which you took with shaky breaths feeling your tears start up again. That night Tendou comforted you on his couch, putting on all kinds of movies you enjoyed to try to cheer you up. Even cracking up jokes to get you to smile, doing anything to get a positive reaction out of you. The next day he offered his spare room, that he used as storage, in his apartment for you to move in knowing that you probably didn’t want to go back to Toshi. The red head had been one of your closest friend since high school and there wasn’t anywhere else to go so you agreed. You still promised him that once you were able to get your shit together that you would find your own place and move out. He even offered to pick up your clothes and items and you accepted, too scared to face Toshi. 

-

Tendou knocked on the door with a heavy hand, holding in his breath. He wasn’t sure what to think of his friend now. When he saw the forming bruises on your arms and when you told him about the fighting, he just couldn’t believe that he would let his anger go that far. The door opened, revealing a tensed looking Toshi. With the blank stare present on Tendou’s face it seemed obvious that he knew about what had gone down. 

“I’m here to get Y/n’s stuff.” Without a word, Toshi moved from the door allowing a space for Tendou to pass through. No one talked or even offered a glance to the other. It felt tense but Tendou was there for one thing only. He wasn't sure what to grab so he looked around confused until he noticed a familiar backpack you always used to carry around. He made sure to grab that and whatever clothes of yours he could find, he still didn’t have a clue and he felt even more pressured when Toshi was just in a corner, watching. 

“The drawer there, thats all of their stuff. I’ll get you a bigger bag.” Tendou looked over to where Toshi pointed to and nodded. He was back in a minute, handing the red head the bigger bag he mentioned. In a flash, most of the drawer was emptied out. All Tendou wanted was to leave but he checked over the room again, to see if he had missed anything by any chance. 

“All their shoes are in the closet.” He grabbed the bag that was starting to weigh with a huff and moved toward the closet. Opening it, he could make out which shoes were yours and which were Toshis. Grabbing two pairs at the time to hurry, he could still feel Toshi’s eyes on him.

Tendou stood up, waiting for more instructions but when none came his way and with bags in his hands, he made his way out without saying a word. Toshi could only watch, letting another important person in his life walk away. He felt himself become breathless, tears that he tried his hardest to hold back, prickling. All gone because he couldn’t be a better person to you but he knew it was all his fault and he just had to take the consequences seriously.  But still, he didn’t try to hold the cries when he realized that you had blocked him on everything. He didn’t try to look for you because he knew that it wouldn’t be fair to you, he had already put you through enough. That week you also cried your eyes out, you couldn’t even look at yourself in the mirror because your eyes would always linger on the bruises. You still loved him, he was your world for years and the sudden change hurt the both of you deeply. It was just time for the both of you to heal and move on, Toshi didn’t feel like doing either. He rather live with the pain, reminding himself that the only person who could understand him the best and love him even with his bold personality was just gone. 

The first few weeks was hell for the both of you, Toshi took most of the time to reflect on the horrible things he would say to you. Mostly he would channel all that anger he had into volleyball which was a good distraction for him but also the worst time to be thinking about you. It would only make him want to sit and cry his heart out. You would basically do the same thing, taking extra shifts at work and working harder than usual to keep your mind off him. But you could always feel the tears threatening to spill out if something ever reminded you of him. Tendou was a great friend, always around to cheer you up whenever those waves of sadness hit. From making you dinner to even putting up with the dumb movies you liked, he was there to help you heal. Sometimes you would ask him to check on Toshi but he would avoid the question most of the time. He was against you trying to reach out to your ex but you knew he was doing it for you, helping you heal. 

One night you couldn’t help but feel around your bed, hoping that it was all just a bad dream. You at least expected to feel that warmth you grew familiar to for years but instead all you could feel was your cold sheets. You silently cried in your bed welcoming the coldness. After years of being by his side constantly, you were finally alone and you weren’t sure how to react. Sure you had Tendou but it wasn't the same. He wasn’t Toshi, he wasn’t the one who would encourage you every day to do your best or who would greet you with his straight forward and awkward loving. Toshi was one of a kind and as much as you wished you could go back to fix things, you also felt like there was no return anymore. You’d do anything to be able to go back running straight into his arms and to be able to feel his warmth once again. Maybe in another life the both of you could reunite and be finally okay. 

‘If only’ you thought to yourself, turning on your side on your cold empty bed. The coldness was just something you were going to have to get used to for a while. Now that he was no longer around anymore. 

(not edited, reallly tired :( insomnia kicking my ass but im going to try to get some sleep because its really been a problem for me lately)

[storysofmyown]

Obey me! Scarred, Chapt. 6

Plot: It’s time for the next step in Diavolo’s plan to unify the  realms. But, in order to work, the demons would be subjected to confront  their worst fears, and in some cases, who they are.

Trigger warning:  Manipulation, Panic attack...I’m not sure if it qualifies as such, implied suicidal thoughts.

Word count: 2980

“Yes Lucifer, Beel said he would be joining me later.” Levi was waiting in a crowded room for a game he wanted to buy. It was a ridiculously crowded, Levi would have been waiting since last night, but Lucifer had forbidden him, and the only reason he had been able to even go and get a copy was because Beel offered to accompany him after his practice ended. Still, Lucifer was not all that happy with that idea and would not stop calling or texting him.

 “I still think this is a bad idea. Maybe I should go with you.” The man’s voice sounded worried trough the phone, Levi rolled his eyes.

 “Lucifer! I already told you I’m fine. I’m kind of an expert hiding from the public. There is no need for you to cut your meeting with Lord Diavolo short.” The older demon sighed from the other side of the line. “Besides, I’ve been waiting for this game for like, a year. I’m not going to let it sell out without me getting a copy.”

 “Fine, fine! But if Beelzebulb is not there in two hours, I want you to get home. I do not care if you were able to get a copy of the game, understood?” Levi nodded, forgetting he was speaking through a phone and that Lucifer could not see him.

 “Yes, gotta go now. They are selling merch!! And I already lost my opportunity to get the ultra-rare items, I won’t let that same fate fall upon me with the rare items.” Before his brother had an opportunity to answer Leviathan hanged up, walking around the few tables they had placed around. He held into his number tightly, making sure not to lose it, if he lost it, then he wouldn’t have proof that he had been waiting for the game and someone else would take his place.

 There were hundreds of demons in the room, thankfully it was a rather large room, there was enough space for him to walk around freely and not feel that overwhelmed by the amount of people around him. He was looking at some rare figurines, trying to see if he found one which he didn’t own yet. As the minutes flew by, Levi got another call. He was tempted to ignore it but noticed it said Beels name and not Lucifers. Before answering he glanced at the hour, it was half an hour past from the time Beel had said he would show up.

 “Beel?”

 “Levi, I’m on my way. The coach made us stay a bit longer.” Beels voice sounded agitated, like the demon was running. And judging by the ruffling he heard in the background, that was exactly what his brother was doing.

 “LOL, it’s fine. There still a lot of numbers to be called before us. So, no need to get here fast.” Beel was going to say something but another call interrupted him. This time it was Lucifer. “Gotta go, Lucifer is calling… again. I promise I will get you something to eat once you get here.” Beel didn’t respond, and that was fine since Levi needed to take the other call.

 “Do you have the game?”, Levi groaned. “I’ll take that as a no. Is Beel with you?”

 “No, the coach made the team stay longer. But he on his way is.” Levi heard Lucifer sigh at the other side of the line. Even he knew Lucifer was massaging his temples and Levi couldn’t even see him right now.

 “Once he gets there, you tell him to call me, okay?” Leviathan rolled his eyes for the hundred time today. He was getting exasperated at this and just wanted his damn video game so he could stay in his room and not come out until, like, two months, by that time he would have completed the game in its entirety.

 “Yes, I’ll tell him about it.” After a few more exchanges and Lucifer making Levi promise again to be back in an hour or so if he didn’t get the game, Levi was finally able to look around in peace for a couple of minutes.

  After buying another piece of merch, Levi turned around, and noticed something odd. The people in the room had been making the same five moments they had been making for a while now. Going forward and then backwards, the room had fallen into silence, which was then replaced with people saying the same things over and over again, the voices incredibly laud and merging until all Leviathan could make out of the incredible loud noise was his own name. The movements of their hands and facial expressions gave the sensation of them being robots or something. He realized that no number had been called in for a while now.

 “Are they…stuck on a loop?” Levis anxiety began raising, burning in his chest and he felt himself starting to shake lightly.

 “Took you long enough to realize it.” Leviathan snapped out of his anxiety for a second, head moving at the direction of the voice, which belonged to his father.

 “Dad?” Levi realized how he had called God, and immediately felt regret at such a level it made him wince.

 “I would appreciate it if you would refrain from referring to me as such.” Leviathan starred at his father trough his bangs. “I dread the idea of being related to any of you. Especially,” God made a point to stop in his tracks and stare directly at Leviathan, glancing up and down at him. What Levi could describe as a disgusted look appeared on Gods face as their eyes meet once again, “someone like you.”

 That sent goosebumps throughout Levis body, shaking him to his core. The bag in his hands becoming unbearable to hold on, but he refused to let it fall. They were grounding him somehow. He was scared but that comment made him mad as well. Taking a step forward and making sure his stance was firm, Levi glared to the man, trying to find the courage to respond to his father.

 “H-Hey! Wha-what is that supposed to mean?!” Levi gritted his teeth at the man, whose eyes were focused on the tables and demons that surrounded him. He was avoiding Levis gaze, almost mocking him. It was a way of saying that Levi was not even worth to look at.

 “It means,” God glared at Levi, his eyes full of a hatred that Levi had only seen once before. In the eyes of the same man that stood right in front of him. The people still stuck in an infinite loop around them, chanting Leviathans name like some sort of spell, “that I would rather not be associated with the likes of you.”

 “The likes of me? You mean demons?” Levi asked, still trying to face and maintain his ground around his father, it was hard though. Secretly, Leviathan only hoped that Beel would burst in the room and support him. Though, given the state of the demons in the room, he wondered if perhaps Beel was also stuck on a loop somewhere on his way there. “if you despise demons so much, why even bother with this trip? Why even consider the idea of having our realms united?”

 “My, for someone that spend so much time in literary works and mindless tv shows, one would expect you to read between the lines.” God took a deep sigh, one of his hands placed in the bridge of his nose. “I don’t mean demons Leviathan. In fact, I have found myself quite enjoying the distinct…ehr culture that Lord Diavolo has going around. No, when I say, ‘the likes of you’, I mean cowards.”

 Levi sucked in a breath, he felt heavy and was losing sense of the world around him. Before he could properly hear the last words, people starting chanting his name even lauder, now, Leviathan wasn’t sure if it was God causing it or if it was his own mind blocking and numbing away the world. His vision was blurry, and his heart was pounding. He felt the bag in his hand heavier than before and for a moment he completely forgot where he was, just wishing he could be back in his room under some blankets. Leviathan looked up, trying to locate God but for some reason the man was no longer in front of him.

 “Oh, pardon me. Quite a shock to you being confronted by reality?” Gods voice came from nowhere, yet everywhere. It was an echo in his mind, yet he could feel the vibrations of it on the floor.

 “You can’t talk to me like that! I…im- uhg”, Leviathan groaned shifting his position, looking everywhere trying to find where God was, “I’m one of the highest-ranking demons here. Yo-you shouldn’t talk to me like that. I am the third most powerful demon from my family, and we are all high-ranking demons.” Levi gritted his teeth and clenched his fist. He was sweating and this wave of overwhelming emotion was killing him.

 “I shouldn’t? Oh please, you talk like you have any authority boy. We both know that this status you uphold was misplaced upon you. Please, the third most powerful in your family?” God scoffed, before laughing hysterically, exaggerating and making every second fill with even more tension. “Anyone that can see at all knowns that title is wrongly placed, just look at you.” Levi felt cold wind pass around him, making every hair in his body stand up. “It’s curious. Satan, your nephew, is far younger than you, yet…he is only one position behind you. How does that make you feel?” God cackled as the wind around Levi become colder, the demon wanted to run from the place, but he was frozen, hugging himself to try and provide some sort of grounding feeling, bags forgotten on the floor. Hoping he could open his eyes, and everything would have disappeared.

 “Th-that’s not t-true! I am the general of…of the navy.” Levi spoke, but his voice was less fierce. The fear was evident on the demon’s voice. His mind was a mess. For years he has struggled with the way he is, to the point of trying to change several times, but in the end he wound up disappointed. Disappointed in how everyone saw him as the weakling of the family, disappointed in himself for not being good and disappointed and enraged that he was the way he was, and that no matter how much he tried, he would always go back to his old ways.

 “What low standards must this place have for their soldiers and whatnot.” God was still nowhere to be seen, Levi was shaking, he could not tell if it was from the cold or for the fear he felt in that moment. “It is outstanding the fact that you feel so devoid of valor or care in your family that you need to seek comfort in such things.” For a split-second God appeared beside a table, taking one of the many items in his hand and turning it to dust. Before Levi lost track of him again. “The again, if I was your family, I would also ignore you.” God laughed again. This time, Levi could feel the grin in the man’s face.

 “I know you are trying to get me all worked up. But that won’t work. You can’t…hurt me with stuff I already know.” Levi was aware of how bad that sounded but it was true. All those thoughts and sentiments, those insecurity’s and degrading thoughts were already on his mind, thinking about them constantly. But he lied, those thoughts hurt, even if he did constantly think about them.

 For a moment there was silence in the room. The slow movements of the demons around had stopped completely, the sense of dread Levi was feeling overtook any logical thought his mind could have. He was frenetically trying to find where God was, being prevented by the people around, who did not let him move around the room freely anymore. Levi didn’t know if it was just his eyes, but the room was getting darker. Then, the demons started moving rapidly, this time it wasn’t the same movements as before, these ones were frantic and there was no rhythm to what they were doing. The loop they had been stuck on burst and the had lost control completely.

 The loud noise of demons talking, and walking was becoming too much for Levi, he closed his eyes and put his hand on his ears. Demon form flickering, trying to jump out but he was also trying to stay in control of what was happening. His breathing was accelerated and even the sound of his own heartbeat was annoying him. He could feel the weight of his horns and his tail when they appeared, and the constant shift in the weight on his head was starting to give him a headache, his tail, when it appeared, moved like crazy making him lose his footing and trip various times.

 “Then what about the fact that none of your brothers trust you?” Gods voice was so loud it snapped Levi out of all his thoughts, he turned around to see the face of his father barely a few inches away, making him jump and fall on the floor. “I mean, Lucifer wouldn’t stop calling to “check up on you”, and none of them were really happy with the idea of you coming here alone, the only reason why you were even allowed to come here was because they appointed you a babysitter. And it seems like the babysitter forgot about your existence as well.”

 God laughed dryly, bending to Levis level. Levi had fallen and was looking up at his father, his vision blurry and shaking so much his hands could barely even maintain the weight he put on them. His tears were now more visible than ever, and his breathing had never been more accelerated, didn’t matter how much air he inhaled, it still felt like he was suffocating. Like an invisible hand was choking his. For a moment, Levi glanced at the side and felt himself lose the little balance he had regained, but God put a finger on his forehead. Forcing Leviathan to look at his father, even though he felt like he could pass out at any moment. Leviathan didn’t knew when, but the room was entirely black except for a light that had him and God illuminated, he was feeling weak and at some point he even almost threw up.

 “You are so weak; your family doesn’t even trust you to get out of the house alone. What does that say about you, Leviathan the Third born, admiral of hell’s navy?” Leviathans eyelids felt heavy and his throat was sore, he tried to push his father away, but he was in a state of shock. He felt exposed, demon form fully displayed. “Well I should get going. But you, Leviathan, you buy that game and try to replace your value and the love you don’t deserve and are not getting with entertainment.” God finally stopped holding Levis head up with his finger, and the moment that he did, Leviathan felt himself fall down an endless hole of all the insecurities he had ever felt.

 The only thing that kept him from keeping spiraling down was the pain he felt caused by God stepping in the demons tail. Leviathan closed his eyes and covered his face his hands, trying to breath less hastily, the entire room was on silence, until he heard the echoing booming voice of the door, which then merged into every other sound at the convention. The steps, the voices, the movements, the noise of people paying and the rustling of bags, the noise of plastic and the smell, everything was overwhelming to him. But there was a noise that muted all others. His phone was ringing.

 “Leviathan, you have half an hour more. If you do not-” He had finally managed to pick the phone up, knowing damn well who it was Levi tuned out the voice, before hanging up and finally standing up. Walking lazily and stumbling around until he existed the store he was on. The burst of light made everything worse. He was looking up, still not having entirely processed what had happen, he felt the vibrations of the phone ringing from his pocket and the way the cold wind hit his body, that reminded him of what had happened a few minutes ago. Leviathan hugged himself and focused on his breathing. Who knows how much time he spent like that, all he can tell is that after calming down a little, he heard a voice call him, and upon opening his eyes, he noticed it was Beel, centimeters away from his face, making Leviathan screech and jump, almost falling but his brother prevented the fall.

 “Are you okay?” Asked Beel, in a worried tone, looking at his brothers to make sure he wasn’t wounded or anything. Levi nodded, putting his hands on his pockets. A few seconds passed and Beel noticed the lack of bags from someone whos entire plan was to buy something. “What happen to the game?” Beel asked, thinking that might at least break the silence that settled in.

 “It…was sold out.” Was all Levi said, and started walking towards their home. Beel didn’t want to comment anything, but seeing his brothers in demon form like that, was troubling his mind. Had he been late again? Had his absence caused Levi to go through something? Beel didn’t knew, just like he didn’t know that the moment Levi entered his own room that night, he broke down like never before, feeling so small and scared, he even, for a moment thought, he shouldn’t exist.

So, this was late... on my defense, i do have an excuse- i mean an explanation. I was editing this yesterday, and stopped for a sec to see i got a notification and bam, it was the lessons. Naturally, i stopped everything i was doing and wolfed em down. So yeah, that is the reason why i didn't post this on Monday, I apologize. Next chapter will be up Friday night, that is a promise.

Anyway, i hoped y’all enjoyed this chapter. I was trying to play with Gods powers a little and also playing with his personality, in this one he is much more direct than in others. Reason being that i he feels like Levi is way easier to manipulate, just some harsh truths and you got a broken demon in your hands. But yeah, thank y’all for reading this, and i promise next chapter will be up on time.

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

Chapter five

Chapter seven

Chapter eight

Chapter nine

Chapter ten

Chapter eleven

Chapter twelve

Chapter thirteen

[orionwhispers]

Perfect Places // Steve Harrington

(A/N - yep. this isnt peaky, i know. im taking a little breather so i dont completely burn out writing tommy, but trust me i have 3 wips for him coming soon!! i dont know if any of you guys will like this bc its stranger things and thats ok!! i just had a blast writing it and i love steve and it really challenged me. pls let me know if u like it!! stay safe my loves xxx)

warnings - angst but also so much fluff your teeth will rot 

You felt like the moon was mocking you.

It loomed overhead, round and full and beautiful, the colour of purity and innocence, a beacon of light contrasting against the ink coloured sky. Your face was red hot, streaked with tears that dripped down your nose and collarbone and into your shirt, staining you with sadness that you could feel clawing under your skin.

You were sat on the Byers’ front porch, the sneakers you had once kept so pristinely clean were now caked in mud, your socks soaked through. You felt numb, you ached for something; a familiar lash of anger or heartache, anything to make you feel human again, but you just felt numb.

You could hear clattering from inside the house, low murmurs of voices and whispers tangling together, but you blocked them out like it was just white noise. The steady hum of those you loved and trusted brought some comfort, but that was instantly replaced by longing for the one person who deserved to be there, the person who deserved to still be alive.

You had been ecstatically high on adrenaline, you were terrified but vivacious as you helped bundle your boyfriend and the kids into Hoppers’ car as he raced past the Laboratory’s gates. You remembered the feeling of Steve’s hands around your waist as he pushed you into the back, flustered and protective, determined to get you away from any danger.

You should have said something.

You knew something was wrong, but you kept quiet. The air in the car was thick and dense like smoke, and Hopper was covered in crimson coloured splotches, you noticed the way he didn’t look at you, instead keeping his eyes focused on the road ahead. You should have said something, should have asked where your Uncle was, should have demanded an answer, but instead you pushed those thoughts away and watched the road through the windshield until your vision went blurry, Steve’s thumb soothingly rubbing over the top of your hand.

You knew he felt it too.

It was only when you reached the driveway of the Byers bungalow, feet moving on autopilot, tearing through the front door and seeing Joyce waiting for you, tears running down her face as she pulled you into her chest, did you realise the immensity of the situation. You let out a wail that could rival a demogorgon, sinking down into the coarse fabric of her hospital gown, her hands clambering across your frame, desperate to offer any comfort she could.

Steve was beside you in an instant, gripping your elbows to stop you falling onto your knees and onto the shag carpet, cradling you into him like a child. He felt so helpless, not knowing how to ease your pain, words getting stuck in his throat like cotton balls as he watched the girl he loved shatter into pieces. One look at his familiar face contorted in torment and it set you off again, coughing and spluttering like you were drowning in your tears. You pushed the consolatory hands off of you harder than you had intended, feeling suffocated and in desperate need of some form of relief. You were no good to anybody like this, you needed to wallow in your grief alone, Joyce had bigger problems and you refused to drag her down under with you.

You stumbled towards the front door, murmuring “I need some air.” You sank into the darkness like it was an old friend, wrapping your arms around yourself as your head throbbed and pulsed. You let the cold air hit your bare skin and fell to the ground, knees to your chest and silent screams leaving your throat.

Steve ran forward to be by your side, but Hopper pulled him back by the hood of his jacket, a large hand consoling your distraught boyfriend, “Let her go kid, give her a minute.”

He gave you five.

Watching the hands tick away meticulously on the clock above the fridge, he flexed his fingers and allowed the slow and steady noises to keep him grounded. He loathed the idea that you were outside alone, beautiful face covered in tears, heartbroken and shattered. Not only that but the knowledge that those things could be looming in the woods waiting to sink their teeth into you was driving him mad with paranoia. The only thing stopping him from pulling you inside where he could safely watch you was the unwavering concern that not letting you grieve would do more harm than good, so he settled for watching you through the window, hands clamped around his trusty bat - just in case.

————————————————————

You were sure you had run out of tears. Exhausted and dehydrated, you buried your head in the palm of your hands, desperate to stop the mind numbing pain at the back of your skull. The trees rustled gently, olive coloured leaves glinting under the stars. You wondered what could be lurking inside of the forest, but you were too drained to care.

You heard the door creak behind you, but relaxed at the familiar weight of Cortez’s against the soft wood.

“Hey.” His voice was soft, almost timid. Sounding so foreign coming from his mouth, so cautious and kind that it almost made you start crying all over again. He paused momentarily, before inhaling and sitting down beside you, his long legs awkwardly bent, his back starting to ache, but he couldn’t care less. You both sat in a comfortable silence for a minute, unsure how to break down the barrier that was forming between you. Your hazy eyes lingered on the T-shirt’s and sweaters dangling from the Boyce’s washing line, sleeves swaying with the movement of the wind, almost as if there was an invisible person dancing inside.

Steve was the first to break the silence. He usually was, his quick wit and smooth demeanour had been one of the reasons you had fallen for him in the first place, the only person you had ever met that could make you melt into a puddle and then cry with laughter with just a few sentences.

“How you holding up?” He faltered, picking angrily at a loose thread hanging from his denim jeans. “That was a stupid question, I’m sorry.”

You didn’t trust yourself to form words just yet, but you tilted your head as much as you could muster, communicating with your boyfriend in that nauseating way that only the both of you understood, except this time it felt sour instead of sickeningly sweet.

You crunched a stray leaf under your shoe, mulling over the sound as it tore under your heel. “It doesn’t feel real.” You muttered finally, biting your lower lip with your front teeth, letting the pain stop your tears. “I keep expecting to see his face, his stupid goofy grin.” You smiled gently, “I keep waiting for him to turn up and say it’s all a prank, but I know he won’t, he’s too kind for that.”

“He was the nicest person I’ve ever met.” Steve said truthfully, “He was a good guy.”

Was. Three words that swam around your head and tangled your stomach into knots and you choked on the thickness in your throat. The strangled groan was so heartbreaking that Steve wanted to tear apart the things that did this to you with his bare hands, but instead he pulled you closer with them, clasping you against his chest.

He let you cry, he let you ruin his t-shirt and cover him in your mascara and wet, hot tears. He would let you bawl into everything he owned, even his prized The Clash shirt or limited edition Charlies Angels sweater that was buried in the back of his wardrobe - he would give it all to you, to stain and rip and ruin, if it meant you had at least one moment of solace.

Under the beautiful navy sky littered with stars, Steve sighed, wishing he knew what to say. He wished that he was as articulate as Nancy, or as strong as Hopper, he’d even take being as soft spoken as Jonathon, if he knew it would make you feel better. But you hadn’t fallen in love with any of them, you had fallen in love with him and he was going to do everything in his power to try and make his girl hurt a little less. So he tried to distract you.

“Do you remember our first date?” He said, breaking the silence, his eyes focusing on the branches of a tree swaying in the distance.

He heard you sniffle, felt the rise of your head under the palm of his hands. If you were surprised by his question you didn’t show it. “How could I forget?”

He smiled, thinking back to the day, over two years ago. If he thought hard enough he could almost relive the gut twisting anxiety and the sweat pooling on the nape of his neck as he pulled up to your house. The two of you had been friends forever, bound since the day you both shared peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the playhouse in kindergarten. But you both started naturally drifting apart around the end of middle school, settling onto different paths as you grew up, only really seeing each other in the hallways or at the back of the school bus.

By the time you both entered high school, Steve was completely swept up with basketball and his newfound popularity, and you were settling into your own friendships and trying to stay on top of your grades. You rarely saw one another, but by chance the two of you were paired as lab partners one semester in sophomore year, and soon science became his favourite subject. Seeing you became the highlight of his day, better than scoring a goal in basketball or cutting class with Tommy and Carol. It was as if no time had passed between the two of you, the conversation so easy and genuine, and he made it a personal challenge to have you in stitches by the time the bell rang.

He fell hard, and fast. He had always thought you were beautiful, even when you were just kids and you wore your hair in two braids and seemed to always be covered in glitter. There was just something about you, an ease and a lightness that you carried, something about your smile and sound of your laugh that had him stumbling over his sentences like an idiot. He liked hearing about all of the things he had missed, like how you got grounded for sneaking out of your room to go and watch the new Star Wars, or how you crashed your dads car into a tree the very first hour after you got your license.

It wasn’t long before he realised that his day didn’t feel complete unless he had spoken to you. He started noticing how every game he searched for your face in the bleachers, the only person he really cared about seeing. His eyes would flicker over faces at parties, determined to find your sparkling eyes and kind smile, finding the hit of seeing you more electric than the cheap beer and fizzled out joints being passed around him.

He was nervous. He didn’t get nervous - he was Steve Harrington for Christ’s sake, but somehow you had managed to turn his whole world on its axis. He tried to live his life with as little regrets as possible; but in the quiet of his bedroom, with the moonlight casting shadows across his walls, he couldn’t help but feel furious with himself. If he could go back in time and do everything all over again, he would make sure to hold onto you as tight as possible and stop the two of you drifting apart.

He wasn’t stupid, he knew you were a knockout. The kind of girl that would bring even the strongest of men to their knees, the kind of girl that lingered in his brain long after he had fallen asleep. He also knew that he wasn’t the only one who had been completely captivated by you. He had seen the way Mike Adams cornered you after the school assembly, laughing at something you said as you sat with a group of friends, an enamoured look in his eye. He saw the way Jacob Taylor tried his hardest to get as close to you as possible at a house party, dazed by the way you twirled your hair obliviously and smiled like white, hot sunshine.

He knew what they were going through, smitten and stupid and dopey and practically a puddle at your feet, because he felt exactly the same way.

He was going to ask you out to dinner and then the movies. He had an elaborate speech planned in his mind, one that he had practiced in the mirror repeatedly - not that he would ever admit it. He was nervous. So goddamn nervous of screwing up the one thing that he really fucking liked, of potentially ruining your friendship and making himself look like an ass for misreading the signals and making you uncomfortable that he almost talked himself out of it as he walked into the physics lab one rainy afternoon.

But when he saw you there, looking up at him. As sweet as cinnamon in your oversized lab coat and stupid goggles, lips slightly chewed and fingertips stained with charcoal, and he couldn’t stop himself from blurting:

“Doyouwanttogooutwithme?”

For a moment he wished he took photography class, so he could snap a picture of the blush on your cheeks, have a physical copy of your wide smile and the glint in your eyes; something to look at when he was trying to fall asleep.

“About time, Harrington.” You had said, and it had knocked all of the wind from him, and he had walked around with a big goofy grin for the entire rest of the day.

————-————————————————

“I remember being so goddamn nervous. I thought I was going to throw up.” He said now, his voice laced with humour, somehow always knowing how to diffuse any situation.

You curled up further into him, craving his stability and warmth, and you relaxed as you felt his palm rubbing comforting circles across your back.

He looked into the darkness, remembering the anxiety filling him as he waited for you on the street by your house. He remembered peering into the rear view mirror, fluffing the edges of his hair with his fingertips, twisting and pulling the strands until they sat where he wanted. He could feel his leg shaking, foot hovering above the gas as he struggled to keep his composure. He hadn’t even been this nervous when college scouts came to a game, and he seriously needed to stay cool before you opened the door and saw him.

“You brought me flowers.” You said quietly, and he looked down at you with a gentle smile, his heart clenching at the sadness in your voice.

He remembers standing in the grocery store, cursing and muttering under his breath, wondering what was more romantic: tulips or sunflowers.

He bought both.

He can remember holding them in his shaking hands as carefully as he could as he walked up the stone path to your house.

“I had to talk myself into ringing the doorbell.” He felt you scoff under him and he laughed,

“Seriously! I was terrified, more scared than I was tonight.”

Its a lie. Running through the junkyard and fighting off strange monsters had been exhilarating, but also the most terrifying experience of his life; especially when he knew that the kids and you were just metres away, hidden in the old bus. He really thought he was about to die when the demodog reared and snarled in his face, teeth gnashing at his throat, but in those moments all he could think about was protecting you.

It’s strange, he had never been so terrified to lose someone.

“And then Bob opened the door.” Your voice was heavy and thick, like you were swallowing honey and it snapped him out of his thoughts, reminding him of the reason you were both huddled outside.

Your parents worked ninety percent of the time, only really coming home to crawl into bed and then driving back to work six hours later. You were used to it though, falling into a somewhat stable routine of eating TV dinners and doing your homework to the sounds of Jeopardy! playing in the background. Despite the lonely nights and your parents distance, there was always one person who tried their absolute best to make you feel safe and secure. Your uncle, Bob Newby.

The goofy, gold hearted manager at RadioShack was always there for you, especially whenever your parents weren’t. He always made sure your refrigerator had something green inside, and would come over after work to sit and watch cheesy rom coms with you. He even installed new locks and security lights in the yard and on the porch, just to make you both feel better, even though it was Hawkins - and nothing ever happens there.

He was basically a surrogate dad and your best friend, and you weren’t even embarrassed to admit it. Some of the happiest nights of your life had been with him, like when you went to the midnight viewing of The Godfather and shared toffee popcorn and cherry twizzlers, or when he drove you to Lake Michigan for your birthday and you ate sandwiches next to the water.

So when he found out the captain of the basketball team had asked you out on a date, he was a little apprehensive.

“He really grilled me.” Steve muttered with a sad smile, it hurt him that one of the most poignant moments of his life was now to be covered in a thick, black cloud, and he could only imagine what you’re going through. “I thought he was going to pull out a shotgun.”

“Psh. It would have been a lightsaber.”

You remembered shovelling in cereal at the breakfast bar the morning of your date. Bob watching you over his steaming mug of coffee curiously.

“So… Any plans for today?”

You rolled your eyes and smiled fondly at your uncle. “Steve is taking me out. This is only like the billionth time I’ve told you.”

He nodded, “Right, Right. Steve. Steve.” He tested the name on his tongue. “And Steve is - the captain of the basketball team right?”

“Yep.” You said, through a mouthful of sugar. “Oh, and he’s the leader of this really tough biker gang, to get in you have to murder three kittens.”

You watched his eyebrows shoot to his hairline, and then slowly fall back to their original spot when he caught on to your teasing. He held up his hands in playful surrender, taking a swig of his drink and then placing his mug on the granite counter.

“I know I’m being a fusspot! But I’m just looking out for you.”

“I know, Bob! But I’ll be fine! We’re just going to catch a movie and then dinner.”

“Ok.” He sighed, turning to wash up the dishes left from the previous nights pig out fest, but his hands stilled before he could twist the faucet. “Wait! Nothing R rated - or too romantic, and tell him to knock it off if he tries that whole ‘I’m so tired, let me put my arm around you schtick!’”

“I’m ignoring you now!”

You remembered getting ready, picturing the soft blush hue of your summer dress, and the taste of your strawberry gloss on your lips. You remembered the heat of your curling iron as you meticulously styled your hair, checking your reflection as a way to distract from the minutes ticking by.

You knew the familiar feeling of sweaty palms and butterflies before a date, but that morning it was as if somebody had realised a kaleidoscope of monarchs and swallowtails inside of you. You were completely nauseous, but so excited, and you felt like you were floating on cloud nine, unable to believe that Steve Harrington - the boy you had been crushing on since first grade - wanted to take you out.

You were nervously touching up your makeup, widening your eyes and applying yet another coat of mascara, when you heard commotion downstairs - and the telltale sound of your date getting completely grilled. You practically flew to your feet, haphazardly tying your converse and grabbing your purse, hoping to save Steve from the clutches of your overprotective Uncle. You nearly slid down the carpet when you noticed the door was ajar, smiling widely at the sight of Steve clutching two bouquets, his hair perfectly coiffed and his sneakers white and gleaming.

“- No I’ve never been in an accident, Sir.” You heard Steve say, his voice carrying through the hallway.

“Hmm?” You heard Bob reply, “And what about alcohol? Do you drink it?

“Only eggnog at Christmas.” Steve replied with a grin, his lips falling down when Bob sent him a glare. “Ok, not in the mood for jokes.”

“Are you under the influence now?”

“What? No! Why would I… Wow.” He faltered when he noticed you at the top of the stairs, and for the first time his mind went totally blank, his brain short circuiting at the sight of you. He felt his mouth go dry and he struggled to say something, not wanting to look like any more of an idiot than he already was, but Bob got there first.

“You look great, sweetheart.” He said, voice brimming with pride.

You blushed a deep crimson, feeling awkward under both of their stares. “Thanks, Bob.”

As soon as you reached the floor you blinked up at the men watching you, raising a brow slowly when Steve didn’t move. “So are you ready?”

“Yep. Yes. Yep.” He said quickly, rummaging around his pockets for his keys, and then realising they were in his hands the whole time. “Lets go.”

“Be home before eleven!” You heard Bob yell, his words just carrying into the night before you managed to slam the front door shut.

After the initial awkward meeting at your door, and Bob shooting unconvincing daggers at Steve as he guided you towards his car, the rest of the date went smoothly. You had been out with boys before; middle school crushes that took you to the ice cream parlour in town, and letting your best friend rope you in for a double date with a boy you had never met - but nothing like this.

As the car lulled through the streets, any unease forming quickly uncoiled between the two of you, and it wasn’t long until you were both in stitches. It felt so natural and easy, and you found yourself wanting to know everything about the hazel haired man sitting next to you.

You ate at a diner just outside of town, because according to Steve: “they have the best strawberry milkshakes - ever. I swear they’re like crack.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Harrington.” You had said, shooting him a million dollar smile over your shoulder. He was glad that you walked in first, because it felt as though a bullet had soared through his gut.

——————————————————————-

“I remember the milkshakes.” You said. Steve looked down at you, curled up on his lap. He nodded at your words, thinking of summer days and winter nights snuggled up in your booth at the diner. You must have shared hundreds by now, drinking such an obscene amount of the sweet treat it was a surprise neither of you looked like a strawberry. You had ruined the fruit for him. He couldn’t take a bite from a strawberry without remembering the taste of your lips or the sound of your laugh, it was conditioned into him like he was one of Pavlov’s dogs. But he would be lying if he said he didn’t love it, strawberries had become his favourite fruit.

“I told you those milkshakes were great.”

“Yeah, you did.”

He could feel you wobbling under him, could feel the heart wrenching tremor of your body starting to shake with tears and he swore internally, trying his best to distract you again.

“And then we watched Ghostbusters.”

You let out a half hearted laugh. “And you almost shit yourself when you saw Slimer.”

“He popped up outta nowhere!”

“And then you spilt popcorn everywhere.”

“Yeah, that old lady was pissed.” He clicked his tongue at the memory, crumbs and melted butter flying everywhere, the entire row in front covered in his mess and glaring at you both, you laughing so hard into your sleeve you thought you might just pass out.

“And then I drove you home - way before curfew I might add - because I’m a gentleman.”

“And then you kissed me.”

“I think you’ll find you kissed me.”

“Ha.You wish.”

It felt good to hear the bite back in your voice, and it warmed him like a zap of electricity that his plan of distraction was working.

Besides, it was partly true - you had kissed him first.

That night as he pulled into your driveway, his gut felt like a huge boulder inside of him. There was nothing more that he wanted then to lean over the console and kiss you, but he was too goddamn nervous.

The date had gone so brilliantly, and he could feel himself, tripping, stumbling and falling completely head over heels for you, but he was so uncharacteristically anxious that it was kind of freaking him out. He was getting all worked up about things he had never thought of before, like his teeth clashing against yours, or accidentally knocking your heads together and giving you a mild concussion.

He left his car running, because he didn’t want you to be cold, (and the constant vibrations were good at hiding the tremor in his legs). It was fully black outside, the night sky a long stretch of navy and the stars were pretty but not nearly as pretty as the girl smiling at him in the passenger seat. Just as your eyes connected and he thought he was going to finally kiss you, the porch light turned on, a nice little reminder from Uncle Bob that he was still watching. You laughed exasperatedly and reached over, filling the distance between you as you tried to grab the strap of your handbag and Steve leant over to give you a hand with the sticky door, but instead your lips caught his and he froze in place, his eyes closed and his heart feeling like a jackhammer in his chest, all of his worries evaporating behind him like ocean spray, because suddenly everything felt right.

“Night, Harrington.” You had said smugly, leaving him in his car that suddenly smelt like cotton candy and coconut shampoo, and with an entire carnivals worth of fireworks erupting from his stomach.

————————————————————

“When I got inside he pretended he had just woken up.” You said now, your words coated with tears but laced with tenderness. “Tried to act like he wasn’t staring through the window watching us kiss.”

Steve tangled his fingers through your hair, anchoring the two of you together, hoping that the small action would give you at least some comfort. He mulled over all of the memories the two of you shared, picturing them shattered at his feet like shards of shimmering glass. He wasn’t sure how to comfort you and it hurt, the silence settling around you like thick, poisonous gas.

“What about our first anniversary? The first time we committed a felony.”

“It wasn’t a felony.”

“Yeah and I’m sure it wasn’t the first time either, you little criminal.”

He remembered when you went out to a much too fancy restaurant in the city. How angelic and beautiful you looked in a little sundress and heels, stealing the breath right out of his lungs whenever he looked at you. How even when he was out of his comfort zone you felt like home, always making him feel stable no matter where he was. He remembered those glances you stole at one another, tongue in cheek laughter and suppressed smiles at the strange place you were both in, the two of you sticking out amongst the older, richer and snootier couples like a sore thumb.

He remembered the glint in your eye and the look on your face, the one that had him completely wrapped around your little finger - (but really, you could look at him anyway and he was a complete goner). It was how you both stood up at the same time, grabbing your handbag and wallet and rushing through the sea of people, laughing loudly as he slipped his hand in yours and pulled you with him, dodging the doorman who was cursing loudly at the kids who had just dined and dashed, even though neither of you had had more than a mouthful of your overpriced starter.

“You are such a bad influence, (Y/L/N).” He had scolded, playfully pinching the inside of your thigh as you lay stretched out on a picnic blanket overlooking the forests on the edge of town. You swatted him away, and he felt his breath hitch at the sight of you, hair tousled and makeup slightly worn, so effortlessly beautiful beneath the headlights of his car.

“Oh, please Hargrove. You would be lost without me.”

He didn’t reply, because it was true.

Instead he leaned over your body, stealing a quick kiss and also a handful of fries from the drive thru bag next to you.

“Hey!” You whined, leaning up and swatting at him. “Those are mine!”

“Technically, technically,” He said, licking salt from his fingertips. “They were at the bottom of the bag, not in either of the cartons - so they were never really yours.”

You rolled your eyes, punching him softly in the gut and laughing as he collapsed on top of you. “You are such a dumbass.”

“Yeah, but I’m your dumbass.”

He ran his tongue over a canine, finding clarity in your eyes.“I can’t believe you’ve put up with me for a whole year.”

“Me neither, but the money your dad gives me to go out with you makes it worth it.”

His finger trailed along the bridge of your nose, his lips curling the same as the path his fingerprints followed. “Stupid.” It was a terrible comeback, but when you looked up up at him like that, all of his sentences spilt into a bowl of mismatched alphabet soup. He blinked down at you, feeling the way his heart hammered against his rib cage, engulfed in the terrifying feeling of being so in love with somebody. “Seriously though, this has - this has been the best year of my life.”

Your rosebud lips parted, showing him that dammed smile that would make him burn down the whole town if you asked him to. “Mine too.”

——————————————————————-

“Remember when I got a black eye because of you?” He murmured, glancing up at the stars that flickered above you both.

“Because of me?” You scoffed, halfheartedly. “Hardly.”

“Ok. Keep telling yourself that.”

There was once a time where he loved nothing more than spending Friday through Sunday completely wasted, waking up on somebodies couch, his mouth tasting like sour liquor and his clothes scattered across the floor - but not after he met you. He used to long for the high from downing tequila shots or jumping into the pool with hazy eyes, a burnt out joint being passed around friends, but soon he realised that nothing came close to the fever high he got from simply being around you.

He remembered sitting in the school parking lot on a Friday afternoon, listening to Tommy and Carol natter about how a group of seniors were going to break into the rec centre and get drunk, but there words were nothing but static as he looked for you among the familiar faces.

You had been officially dating for a few months, and much to Tommy’s dismay, it seemed as though neither of you had any intention of letting the other go. It stung the teenager when Steve started blowing him off to hang out with you, his usual alibi for wild parties leaving him high and dry. He was jealous of the way you managed to consume all of Steve’s attention, and the fact that since the two of you had gotten together, Steve was so much kinder to everyone, and didn’t want to join in with his juvenile antics. When you went to parties, he drank less and laughed more, and Tommy was left doing shots and keg stands alone.

More than anything though, Tommy was jealous that Steve had scored a girl like you, kind and soft and sweet, when he had trouble getting Carol to stay over longer than the time it took to drain a bottle of stolen wine. It made him feel envious and insecure, watching the way you kissed Steve in the hallways with rosebud lips and your eyes shone like diamonds under the gentle sun; when was a girl going to look at him like that?

“You coming tonight, Harrington?” He asked from the hood of Steve’s car, his legs dangling onto the asphalt.

“No.” Steve said, chewing on his fingernails. “Sorry man, I’m taking (Y/N) to the drive in.”

“Aww.” Carol preened, a solid supporter of your relationship. You hadn’t known her too well before you started seeing Steve and hadn’t expected to become so close to her, but now she was one of your best friends. Sure she could be a little vapid and a little rude, but she also made you laugh loudly and always helped you get ready for dates with Steve, and you really appreciated the way she let you into the inner circle. “That’s so sweet. You guys are too cute.”

Tommy ignored her. He could already feel himself boiling over.

“Cmon Harrington, it’s one night. It’s tradition.”

“No it isn’t.”

He exhaled loudly. “Well it should be.”

“I’m good, man. And besides, we’re still going to see the Bulls play on Saturday, right?”

“I guess.”

Silence settled around them like cigarette ash. Tommy, growing more irate by the second, toyed with the collar of his shirt and curled and uncurled his fingers. He wasn’t quite sure why he was pissed - as Steve’s best friend he should have been pleased with how love struck and happy he was, and it wasn’t as though he never saw Steve anymore, or that you had split up the group or anything - but he was still annoyed, and that’s why he said it.

“God, I hope she’s a better fuck than she looks. I mean, she must be if she’s got you this whipped.”

It took a moment for Steve to process what he had said, swallowing his friends words like they were barbed wire, his throat filling with blood.

“What the fuck did you say?”

“Just what everybody else is thinking.” It wasn’t what everybody thought, but Tommy thrived off of mob mentality, and the small crowd watching in the parking lot was enough to spike his adrenaline.

“Tommy.” Carol warned, her voice thick and heavy, eyeing him from over the roof of the car.

“What did you say about her?” Steve asked, his face turning crimson, the shade matching the colour coating his pupils.

Tommy didn’t hold back, his hands firmly grasping his shovel, ready to dig himself deeper. “Jesus. Look at you! Look what she’s turned you into. She’s a bitch, and so are you.” He gestured wildly with his hands, the severity of what he had said was slowly sinking in, but he was stupid enough to stand by it for the time being.

Steve was livid. His body rattling like he had been struck by lightning. He knew he wasn’t some fucking white knight who had to defend your honour, but there was no way in hell he was going to let some fucking prick about you like that.

“And…you know what? The both of you can - ”

“Fuck you.” Steve brought his fingers to a fist and clocked him right in the nose, a sickening thwack echoing around the school. Tommy recoiled backwards, almost falling through the windshield. He managed to regain his balance at the last second, and his face was contorted with both pain and disbelief.

“What the fuck man?” Tommy seethed, spitting out a wad of blood and lunging at Steve, managing to grab him by his collar and slam him onto the asphalt, their jeans ripping across the gravel.

The two of them rolled around, a deadly mix of closed knuckles and crisp white sneakers. A small crowd had gathered around the two of them, the air thick with the metallic tang of blood and rich with stories to be shared around the party that night. They both managed to get a couple good hits in, Steve just managing to get the upper hand before the school janitor started calling in for backup.

You had just left World Civ, your textbooks still cradled in your arms and your best friend laughing in your ear as you made your way out of the school and towards the parking lot.

“Yeah, I swear! She…” Your best friends voice trailed off as she noticed a blur of movement in the distance, her ears picking up like a bloodhounds. “Oh my God. I wonder what’s going on.”

You looked up shrugging your shoulders, expecting to see some of the wrestling team or soccer players roughhousing like they usually did, but your blood turned cold when your eyes focused fully and you caught sight of that damn perfect hair.

“Holy shit. Steve!”

If only your phys ed teacher could have witnessed the speed you ran across the car park; dust picking up with your shoes as you bolted towards your boyfriend. You managed to break through the inner circle crowding around them, the teenagers egging on Tommy and Steve as they scrambled towards one another, the sound of elbows and knees and fingernails clashing all around you.

“Hey. Hey! That’s enough!”

Poor Mr Springer tried his best to separate the two of them, wrapping his arms around Tommy’s waist and trying to tear them apart as they continued scrapping like junkyard dogs.

Your mouth was agape as a couple of boys helped break the two of them up, your eyes widening at the scarlet red blood staining the ground and the deep purple bruises already starting to show. You managed to catch Steve’s line of sight, his eyes widening at the sight of you, his face starting to swell.

“Steve? What the fuck!”

“Oh! Hey, babe? How did your pop quiz go?” He asked, throwing you a dazzling smile as though everything was right in the world.

Despite everything, you bit back a laugh, kneeling down to wrap your hands around him. “You’re an idiot, Steve Harrington.” You said, cradling the now puffy side of his face, a quarter sized apricot indent growing under his eye.

He winked at you as he was pulled away and dragged to the principal. He knew he was in for a months worth of Saturday detentions, but he couldn’t care less. He avoided the death glare his former best friend was giving him, licking the blood pooling across his split lip.

If he had to chose between you or Tommy, or choose between nights in with you or nights out with the rest of the seniors - hell, if he had to choose between basketball and you, it would be you, every time.

Point blank, period.

———————————————————-

There was a chill in the air, swallowing the both of you whole. Steve could feel his jeans dampening, your tears cascading down your face and onto his denim. He could feel eyes on the back of neck, and knew without turning around that Dustin and the rest of the kids were watching from the kitchen window, waiting to jump out and rescue you both if something crawled out from the bushes.

He didn’t have much time left. Soon he would have to bring you back inside, away from the vulnerability of the night and into the embrace of those you had grown so close to. He thinks back with a grimace, to the fight you had over your new routine.

Bob and Joyce dating came as a shock to everyone involved, especially Steve. Not so much that Bob had found companionship with the pretty single mother, but more so that it meant you were spending more time at their house - with Jonathon.

He wasn’t jealous.

He wasn’t.

No matter how many times you rolled your eyes and teased him - he wasn’t jealous.

He just didn’t like the idea of you sat next to him at movie nights, laughing with him during family board games, eating breakfast in the chair beside him, driving to school together and singing along to the stupid obscure bands that Jonathon liked.

Ok maybe he was a little jealous. Sue him.

He’d spent the night at your place, under the guise of helping you with your calculus homework, even though you had a higher grade than him, and he watched with sleepy eyes as you rummaged around your desk in the morning.

“What?” He mumbled under the slowly rising sun, half of his face still buried in your pillow. “What? Where? Where are you going?”

You rifled through your handbag and examined the contents, glancing at him over your shoulder. “Bob’s taking everyone out for lunch - well it should have been breakfast but someone - ” you emphasised with a playful glare, “Is making me late.”

“Whose going?”

“Everyone.”

“Everyone?”

“You know. Me, Joyce, Jon and Will.”

Jon.

“You didn’t tell me Jonathon was going.” He’s not sure if it’s true. He remembers fragments of you telling him your plans for the weekend, but he also remembers your words shattering before they reached his brain, because of that little strappy top you were wearing and the blackberry colour of your lipstick.

“What?” You asked distractedly, untangling your headphones from your Walkman. “I did.”

“No.” He clicked his jaw, a sign of his annoyance. “You just said Bob was taking you out.”

“With everyone - everyone includes Jonathon.”

“Right.” He’s pissed. His anger isn’t directed at you, more so the floppy haired teenager you’ll be sharing pancakes with, even though it’s not exactly his fault either. “Since when did you guys become The Brady Brunch?”

You let out a dry laugh, oblivious to the fact your boyfriend was getting more agitated by the second.

Did you really have to wear that skirt? He thought. Why did it have to be the short little denim one covered in cherries that made you look so damn good?

“You know how much Joyce loves her kids, Bob just wants to make an effort.”

“Yeah but why do you have to go?”

You shrugged, applying a swipe of lipgloss and tightening your cardigan in an effort to hide the hickeys blossoming under your collarbones. “He invited me, said it’s a family thing.”

“It’s not as though you’re really family though is it?”

He regretted it the moment the syllables left his mouth, but he was too wound up to think before he spoke. He cringed at the way you lost his gaze in the mirror, really fucking hating himself when he saw the crimson blush rise from your throat and onto your cheeks, and the sheen coating your eyes.

“I should go.”

You didn’t hesitate, grabbing your belongings and darting down the stairs. Family had always been a sore subject for you, and he loathed himself for striking you in the one place that it really fucking hurt.

“Wait.. Baby I -” He chased after you, but you were too fast. He wished that you would stay and argue with him, he’d let you scream and yell and shout at him, because he deserved it and he wanted to let you know he was sorry for being a prick, but you were already out of the door.

“Just up when you leave.” Were the last things you said, disappearing into your car.

He apologised with your favourite chocolates and red roses and an attempt to make you dinner. You couldn’t stay upset with him and his sheepish grin even when half of your kitchen was covered in tomato sauce and your moms pan was coated in burnt pasta.

The boy could screw up, but he always knew how to make up for it.

He trusted you, and loved you, and apologised for - in your words, ‘being a class A jackass’ - and even put away his pride long enough to tell you that, Ok, fine, maybe he was a tiny bit jealous of Jonathon and the bond growing between you.

That night as you curled up on your living room floor amongst an abundance of pillows and crocheted throws, you reassured him that you were in love with him and only him, even when he drove you up the wall. He fell asleep a little easier that night, his girl happy and safe in his arms, your words calming the storm that was once brewing in his mind.

…And maybe Jonathon wasn’t that bad.

———————————————————-

The light of the moon was harsh, almost like the street lamps that flickered in the distance. Steve could feel you moving underneath him, and his palms were starting to dampen, the reality of the evening finally sinking in.

Bob was dead.

As though the same thought had passed through you, you spoke, your voice strained and quiet. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

“I know.”

Your voice cracked like thin ice. “He didn’t deserve to die. He didn’t… He.” You choked on your words, and Steve pulled you into him firmly, as if to stop you from falling apart.

“I’m so sorry, baby.”

You sniffled, a sob tearing through your lungs and clawing through your throat, and you tried desperately to not think about your poor uncles lifeless body. “What am I going to do without him?”

You weren’t looking for an answer, but Steve gave you one.

“It’ll be me and you, it’ll be us. Forever.”

His future was uncertain. He was under a mountain of pressure from his teachers and coaches and guidance counsellors to get his head down and decide about college and scholarships and what he was going to do with his life.

He even took one of those quizzes that was supposed to help him figure his shit out, but when he sat there, pencil in hand and he read the words - where do you see yourself in five years? The only thing he could think of, was you.

He thought of you, so smart and pretty, your future just as undecided as his, but still by his side. He could see road trips and night drives and long distance calls, he could see morning laughter and monumental arguments and make ups, in the distance he could even see a house with a white picket fence and a big dog and a few kids who looked like a mixture of the both of you.

It seemed so simple. So much more simple than applying for college or an internship, because he knew that whatever he did, he wanted it with you.

And then this crazy fucking year happened, and things weren’t so simple anymore. Soon he was best friends with a bunch of pre teens and fighting off big scary fucking monsters and Billy Hargrove. Soon his small world of basketball and strawberry milkshakes and tongue kisses was filled with danger, and he needed to keep you safe.

“I miss him.”

“I know.” He says honestly. “I miss him too.”

He remembered the last conversation he had with Bob. It was before they found Hopper underground, and Bob was getting ready to leave and see Joyce and Will. You were in your room, finishing off the last of your homework, and Steve was heading downstairs to finish off the last of the pizza. He had just grabbed a Coke and a slice of pepperoni, when he saw Bob rummaging through the cupboard in the hall.

“Hey,” Steve said, waving the hand with the soda in it. “I heard about Will. Is he alright?”

Bob gave a kind nod. “Yeah.” He hesitated. “Well, actually, I’m not sure. I’m uh - I’m looking for my old board games for him to play with.”

Steve smiled, because that was exactly the thing Bob would do. “Well, give him my best.”

They exchanged pleasantries, and Steve spun his heel to rejoin you upstairs, taking a big bite of melted cheese as he walked, before Bob spoke aloud once again.

“There’s something strange going on in this town.”

Steve remembered the year before, standing in Jonathan’s living room, twinkling Christmas lights draped on the wall and a baseball bat in his hands. He remembered Barb and Will, and the body from the quarry.

“Yeah.”

Bob exhaled, moving so that he was standing face to face with the teenager. “You make sure nothing happens to her, alright? You know she’s - you know she’s my little girl.”

Steve straightened, his voice solid. “I would never let anything happen to her.”

“I know. You’re a good guy, Harrington.”

He doesn’t know if he agrees, but he knows that for you, he will be.

“Take care of her.”

“Always.”

And they had partied ways: Steve upstairs, where he pulled you into his arms and made you laugh as he planted wet kisses on your face. And Bob to the Byers house to find a map spanning the length of the walls, and then the hospital, and then ultimately, to his death.

———————————————————-

The dark felt much more menacing now, shadows moving like long fingernails and jagged claws around you. He knew that he had to get you inside. He knew that the others would be making plans and setting traps and he knew how much safer you would be there. His heart was shattered after the small sobs leaving your body, your chest deflating like a burst balloon. He also knew that the best people to comfort you would be inside, Joyce with her motherly love, Dustin with his sweet, silly nature, and even Jonathon who truly loved you like a sibling.

“Cmon, lets get you inside.”

He wrapped his hands around you and helped lift you up, steadying you as you swayed on shaky legs. He cradled you into him, feeling the warmth of your breath and tears against his throat, and he inhaled, preparing himself and readying himself, telling him to be strong, for you.

He wrapped a free hand around the door handle, waiting to twist. He took one final look at the menacing bushes and trees surrounding you both, listening for a rustle from the branches.

He doesn’t know what will happen next. But he does know, that whatever it is, you’ll face it, together.

[oh-theatre]

Objection!: Chapter 25

Chapter title: But Can You Brave What You Most Fear?

A/n: I HAVE HAD THAT ENDING SECTION WRITTEN FOR MONTHS AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED. LOOK THE REST OF THE CHAPTER IS ABSOLUTE TRASH AND I KNOW THAT BUT I LOVE THEM AND IM SO SORRY THAT THIS STORY SUCKS

First | Previous | Next

words: 5000

summary: Tensions run high as the courthouse is under siege

pairings: Eventual logicality, prinxiety, platonic demus, romantic remile

warnings: Murder mention, child murder, Law and Courtroom, swearing, blood, hospital, crime scene,  murder, gun mention, guns, swearing, abuse, graphic descriptions, alcohol, shooting, crying

Ao3 Link  

“Liam quiet!” Patton shushes him, keeping a steady eye on his friends. Regretfully he ushers the man towards him, hearing the frantic sounds growing loud as they approach their location. “Its locked, come on” He pleads, Emile finally calmer, trying now to stay calm for the two children. Liam bangs once more on the door but huffs as he joins the group.

“What's the plan?” He spits, ignoring the clear animosity they emanate towards him. Emile pulls out his phone, Willow follows suit, both in frustrated shaking of their devices. Patton swallows trying his, ignoring the photo that tugs at his heart. Logan and him smiling, the twins giggling as they control the men, he shakes away his thoughts trying the numbers.

“Nothing” Patton notes, shoving the reminder back into his pocket. “We need to get out of the open” He cautions, Remus stifles a scared sniffle, reaching for his father. Patton takes him in a heartbeat, cradling the fear-stricken child. Valerie nuzzles comfortably into Diana, her tears staining the lawyers suit.

“Maybe we can find some others?” Emile suggests, his eyes examining the world around him. Patton clicks his tongue, Emile recognizes the face.

“I fear we might be the only people…” He covers Remus’s ears, Diana follows with a confused Valerie “Still alive… and I fear thats exactly how they want it” Patton sighs, wishing he had not ignored so many tell-tale signs. His happiness, this unfiltered joy, he didn't get it, he didn't deserve it, and he sure as hell wasn't feeling it right now. After a petrified moment of silent realization the group moved quickly, the hallowed halls leaving a different sense in the lawyer.

“We should split up” Liam offers, Emile rolls his eyes in a scoff, the remnants of his tears stinging. “We can look for different exits! Its not a bad idea” He whispers his last part, was that...embarrassment? Patton focuses on Remus, the young boys breathing worried the father, soft kisses upon his forehead as the pair argue about Liam's idea. After a resilient ‘Fine’ from Emile, Liam claps his hands. “We have five people, excluding the twins-

“Six” They turn, a breath of relief as James waves. “Looking for an even number?” He jokes through staggered breaths. Patton smiles, a sad twitch but alas. The way he takes charge of the group, overpowering Liam easily brought a happy satisfaction to the father. That was until he made his pairings. “Willow and Diana, go look for exits through the courtrooms” They nod, Patton ignores the soft affection he thinks he witnesses. “Patton, you take the twins and uh… Liam, look through the courtyard and towards the back” The first part made sense, he wasn't leaving his children. He wasn't here to argue, he couldn't upset the children more. Diana, after an apologetic look, secures Valerie in Liams arms. No man should look so disgusted by a child, and yet Liam looked as though he might faint. “Emile and I will look towards the main entrance, the police should have already been alerted. Look above all, stay safe ok?” James squeezes Patton's arm, a comfort as they part.

“Hey, you stay safe ok?” Emile takes Patton aside, He looks the lawyer in his sparkless blue eyes. “Above all, its you and the twins. If it comes down to it…” He glances to Liam, the man stands trying to figure out how to hold a child, the anxiety rises fast in Patton. “Leave him behind, I love you and he is not worth it. Pat?” Emile refocuses the man, Patton agrees knowing he could never do that. They split easily and quietly, each group traversing through the halls.

“So Logan...” Liam begins as the two creep through the offices. Patton scoffs, turning to him, fear hitting him as he looks upon Liam's face.

“Really? Right now?” He questions, this pure hatred wasn't him but at this moment he wanted nothing more than to be home and not here, with...him. Liam shrugs, what else were they going to talk about? How could Patton had fallen for that face so many times, now he simply felt sick, he wanted nothing more than to see Logan. Wake up from this nightmare, his children running to wake him up, Logan's arm lay over him. “Liam, I cant do this...ever...now” Patton falls again, any bit of confidence he had built up...shattered.

“Yes now” A sultry whisper, when did Liam get so close. Patton pushes him away, only a nudge as he remembers Valerie. “Sucks to suck” Liam laughs, god that sound...it pierced. “Come on cupcake, lets be honest, you miss me” Liam tickles, Patton yelps, jumping away. Valerie shrieks as Liam squeezes too hard, she manages to scramble away finding herself safe behind Patton.

“Come here angel” He mumbles, lifting her up, though harder to carry both, he didn't care. “I love you both” He promises, sweet kisses on both of their foreheads. The jump, the stutters, everything he had worked so hard to leave behind fell apart. And now he felt as eggshells were beneath him and Liam controlled his every feeling and step. He was simply a puppet in the mans game.

Bang

Too loud, Patton clutched to the walls, feeling lightheaded. After five years, through every tribulation he thought this, at least this was gone. But as he felt himself sinking and things went up in smoke, he knew...the panic was setting in. And he couldn't breathe. Liam took his side, relieving him of Remus, he helped situate him on the floor.

“Patton you have to get up” Liam requests, Patton shuts his eyes, the only thing he could feel was a shaking Valerie. “Come on cupcake” Liam pleads, and there it was. He knew that voice, he knew that soft spoken beg. ”I love you” He tries

“No Liam! Im done!” Patton cries, his hands tight on his packed bags, Liam stands at the door a snarl upon his pristine face. How Patton's blood ridden face compared was awful, but then...then Liams defenses fell. His lips loosened as his body collapses ready to embrace Patton. “Let me out” A pathetic whisper

“Come on Patton, Im sorry” His gentle tone carried like a song, he took Patton's hands, the bags cluttered the floor. “It won't happen again, please stay, I love you” He lied. A moment of hesitation before Liam wrapped him up, kissing his neck before nuzzling into his neck. And Patton fell for it, every goddamn time.

“Get off of me” He commands, a shallow breath. His eyes open, a dead glare forward. Breathe love, you're okay. With Logans words imprinted in his mind Patton regained himself, taking Remus back with a careful smirk. “I'm with Logan, and I love him” Liam groans, stomping his childish foot.

“What's so great about the lawyer?” Liam fights, Patton couldn't believe they were getting into this right now? “Why is he so good?” Liam grabs Patton, turning him as they face one another. But Patton wasn't going to shrink, not now.

“He's not” Patton swallows, looking at Remus and Valerie's shining faces, happy to be with their father. “He's not good, he's divine” Patton admits, a blush and a flutter at the mere vision of Logan in his mind. “He's my divine” Patton chuckles, he strides away, maybe he was going crazy. Maybe the adrenaline of this tense situation finally caught up to him, but he kept going. With no regard to whether Liam was with him or not.

Because he didn't care about Liam

~~~

“Patton I would like to-” Logan shakes his head, turning onto the highway in the clear night. “Patton maybe we have a moment?” Logan tries, the sour taste on his tongue. “Patton, if you have a brief second-” Its not going to take a second Logan, he chides himself. The streets empty at this hour, the clearing into the courthouse however?

Why was it so crowded?

He parks, a little sloppily but his mind had other ideas. He reaches the door, pushing through the rummoring crowd, finally reaching the ‘do not cross’ tape, the yellow hurting his eyes. He scans the front lines finding Virgil talking to another office, he taps him.

“What is happening?” He inquires, his calm manner hiding his panic. Virgil turns to him, his already sullen face sinks deeper into the dark that surrounds him. “Virgil…” He starts, but the noise finishes the thought for him.

Bang

“Pattons in there” Logan identifies, the whisper hissed. Virgil nods, looking to a seemingly determined Remy. “Emile” He breathes, Virgil bites his lower lip one final time he glances towards a furious Roman. Logan shakes his head. “James too?” Logan was concerned, but the first name stuck. Patton, no doubt the twins. The box in his coat pocket becomes heavy with dread. He fears it may rip through his fabric, dropping through the floor. “Patton” Logan goes again, Virgil recognizes the slight shudder in his voice. He takes his arms, bracing himself, knowing his own grief must wait.

“Im so sorry Logan” He laments, for whatever they must face next. Knowing these hours would be heart wrenching, and Logan wasn't prepared. Logan smiles, its terrifying, he looks just past the tape. Empty, suspension as they await, the swat teams advance but they want to do something.

“Patton, Virge… please I must...I” He struggles, what must he do? So much, he has too. He begins to make a move but Virgils too quick, Remy joins him keeping the lawyer back. “Come on!” He screams, he didn't mean to but the silence felt numb. “Please” He cries, real tears, he hated the feeling but hated this so much more.

“Lo, breathe bud come on” Virgil takes him to where the officers are set up, seating him with some water. Remy rubs his hands together, the small whimper from a baby catches both of the men's attention. Logan's eyes go wide as Remy cradles Thomas, shushing him the best he can through his own fear. He wasn't the only one with something, someone at stake.

“I apologize,” Logan says, Remy turns to him, waving him off. No one had seen the detective so silent. “Let me take Thomas, so you can focus” He offers, a truly grateful look and Thomas sits sweetly in Logan's arms. “Where the north wind...meets the sea, there's a river full of memory” Logan hums gently, watching the curious look on Thomas smile at his intrigue. Remy stops his tears turning back to defenses, an encouraging squeeze from Virgil. “Sleep my darling safe and sound” He rocks Thomas, watching his eyes fall into a sleepy river.

“So we know there's a shooter right?” Remy gains himself, Virgil nods looking over the transcript so far. “We don't know how many or where right?” Another nod, Virgil cringes as he hears Romans stifled fears. He sits next to Logan, both discussing over hushed whispers their worries.

“We know that there have been casualties, and according to our heat signatures...there eight people inside” Virgil explains, Logan perks his ears up, a soft hope as he listens. “We cant seem to track or locate the threats, they must be using something...it also seems they disposed an EMT, we cant communicate at all” Virgil informs, rushing as the situation only worsens.  

“Ok breathe, the team is in there and-”

Bang

But this time accompanied by a scream, at least they were close. Everyone froze trying to identify the noise. Logan pours his energy into calming the baby, letting the world move on without him, ignoring as Remy breaks trying to go beyond his own security perimeters. Wishing he could cover his own ears as the cries, sobs and screams only grew, unbridled sadness oozed from each of them.

“Ok enough everyone!” Haley commands, her declaration silences the crowd. Once joined they become their own pieces, each a story, someone they love and care about. And only eight would be relieved. “Yes ma'am?” Haley points, Logan follows her scowling as Gloria and Arlo strut to them, no concern simply annoyance.

“My son and his partner are in there” She states, Logan furrows his brows...partner?

Oh god

Oh no

“Liam is in there?” He gapes, Gloria looks to him, no qualms as she examines him. “Virgil” He pushes, the detective understands, getting on his walkie. He listens as Virgil warns the swat to arrest Liam when they find him first, for safety measures. “Keep Patton safe” Logan begs, the men can't respond.

“Oh don't be ridiculous” Gloria chides “Im sure he's fine, I mean really this is a tad dramatic” She laughs, Logan goes to say something but it seems Arlo has his own control for once.

“Gloria are you serious?” He exclaims, turning to the shocked woman. “Our son is stuck in there with a monster and lord knows who's pulling the trigger!” He huffs, Logan watches feeling a prideful smile. “Can you for one moment be human and care?” His desperation matches that of Logan and Virgil and Remy and Roman. Logan nods to him, a shared moment.

“This doesn't redeem anything you have done, especially to Barbara and Patton” Logan reminds, Arlo smiles softly. No doubt picturing his children.

“I know, but I hope its a start” They shake hands, before Logan returns his attention to a cooing child, a spark of intrigue as he fumbles with Logans tie. He sat rocking Thomas again, tuning out the absolute panic that spread through the crowd, simply staring straight ahead. Praying that Patton would emerge, a sweet grin as he tumbled forward with the twins.

Thats all he could do

And listen to the constant-

Bang

~~~

“Anything?” James wonders, shaking yet another door. Emile huffs but to no avail as his efforts fail as well. They regroup in the center, going over every move and every door they've tested. Emile picks at his tie, letting the silk calm him.

“Surely the police have been notified and have sent in a team” Emile knows how the precinct works, he's seen this a million times. If he's got his knowledge down, there should be a swat team parading through the building right now, searching for survivors. “What if we just tried to sit and wait?” He proposes, James shrugs no harm no foul. He directs Emile to a hidden corner in one of the rooms, they kneel listening to the solemn silence.  The door opens, they clutch to each other as multiple feet shuffle in.

“Clear!” A voice declares, Emile shakes his head jumping up.

“Not clear! Not clear!” the team turns, as James and Emile approach them. The leading man turns to his walkie, clicking the button to speak through, the emotion that washes Emile as Remys voice speaks back.

“We found two of the eight, bringing them back now, over” He informs, Emile bites his lower lip.

“Copy that, split up the team and find the others” Remy commands, Emile can barely steady himself. The next few moments are pure terror as they walk in the open, following the swat team to safe haven. Every turn petrified the new father, and every small creak stopped him in his tracks.

But nothing hit him harder than coming out into the clearing and seeing an expectant Remy, both eyes locking as the world around them disappears. Remy could have, and should have waited till they reached the line but instead jumping skilfully over, pushing past the team, right up to Emile.

“Remy!” Emile practically sobs, falling safe into his partners arms. Remy squeezes him tight, promising to never let go. “I love you so much” Emile whispers, ignoring more excitement from around them.

“Right back at you” Remy sighs, pulling away through hesitancy. “Come on” He leads them back over, securing Emile behind the line, sitting him down. “Logan” Remy identifies, the lawyer nods placing the sleeping child into the doctor's hand. Granting the trio their moment in time, frozen as happy as they were.

“And you're sure you're ok?” Roman questions rather forcefully, James scoffs with playful laughter. The judge examines his boyfriend, checking every inch of his seemingly safe figure. James takes Romans cheeks, stroking them with gentle affection.

“Im okay, I promise” After a tender kiss, they retreat to a restful place. Sitting with exhaustion through their adrenaline. Logan watches as Virgil stares at them, regretful pools strain his eyes. Logan knows he should comfort him, but he feels numb, the clearing nwo remains empty, no one in or out. Just a pair of anxious, blue eyes, hoping with every last cell in his body.  

~~~

“Where the north wind, meets the sea” Patton hums carefully, the twins napping peacefully in his trembling arms. “There's a river...full of memory” Liam listens, the voice so quiet, the tune carries through his mind, dancing gracefully through the echos of the courtroom. “Sleep my darling safe and sound” Patton continues, sitting in a hidden corner of the room “For in this river, all is found” He promises, kissing them on their forehead as they nuzzle into him. The chill of the room hitting them soon however.

“Thats a nice song” Liam comments, locking the doors after their trail led to a dead end of exits. Now deciding they must sit and wait.

“Logan sings it, it seems to work quite well” Patton dreams, picturing the mans soft face as he sings to the giddy twins. The night stars reflecting on his perfect eyes, twinkling with intrigue for more. Liam rolls his eyes through a grunt, restless he paces. “The more noise you make, the more likely it is for us to get caught” Patton warns, keeping his eyes on his children.

“Whatever” Liam scoffs, kicking the rug below him. Patton shakes his doubts, swaying delicately to keep the children at ease. “Why here? Why now? Why us?” Liam rambles, Patton ignores him, figuring his silly mutterings had no meaning. “What if they're targeting us?” Liam poses, Patton swallows, the thought crossed his mind a couple of times.

“That's ridiculous, who wo-”

“Patton Hart!” A grunged voice screams, the sound pierces yet no source can be located. Liam eyes him with fear.

“You were saying?” He mocks, Patton shushes him, gesturing desperately to hide. Liam obliges through his own scared manner, the shallow breathing heard from both ends. The door crashes open, and Pattons instincts fight. His hold on the twins tightens as he pushes into the plaster hoping he might just melt into the wall.

“Patton Hart!” It repeats, Patton clasps his mouth, ignoring the stifled tears that cascade down his cheeks. “Come out, come out wherever you are” It teases, Liam shakes and Patton prays for once the man keeps his mouth shut.

But no one was there, no one, no human resonated in Liam.

He just was

“Over there!” A timid confession, Patton bites his hand. “P-patton is over there” He knows Liams pointing, he knows in only a matter of seconds everything would be over. “Please dont hurt me” Patton wanted to laugh, how many times had he uttered that same plea, that same beg. To Liam nonetheless. Ironic…

“Go” The voice demands and Liam scatters, his feet echo down the hall before disappearing. Patton was alone, and it was over, he had failed.

“Im so sorry my little angels” He whispers, the twins cry into him, shaking like they could never stop. “Im so sorry” He strokes them gently, hoping they find solace in these last moments, praying they would be spared.

But the universe and whatever higher powers work in a strange way

A strange way indeed

“Get on the floor! Drop the weapon and hands on your head!” Someone new? No...there were many bodies. They filed in, a beautiful rhythm as they surrounded the criminal. It went on but Patton remained frozen, until the last silent drop fell to the room. “Mister Hart?” He dares look up, a man in uniform, bright white ‘SWAT’ letters placated. “You're safe now, lets get you out of here” He offers his hand, he offers an exit from this nightmare.

The next few moments were a motionless blur, they walked calmly through the building. Ignoring what seemed to be the piled bodies, Patton felt empty but refused to let the team help with his kids. Nothing sparked in his eyes as they traversed what used to feel like his home away from home. Nothing was alive, until they reached the crowded clearing. A hush over the crowd as the team appeared, but nothing would compare to when Logan and Pattons eyes met across the tense air.

“Patton” Logan refuses to heed Virgil's cautions about crossing the line, he didn't care. He made his way slowly, a staggered breath before he reached the father. “Love” Was all he could manage, Patton thought he couldn't speak but he fell into the lawyer. Allowing Logan to take his cheek, kissing him so gently. Checking each twin so meticulously.

“Im so sorry” Patton mumbles, Logan laughs, shaking his head. Relieving the clearly struggling father from Remus, the young boy feeling safe instantly. At this moment they didn't care about the commotion, they were here. “I love you” Patton needed to tell him, from the first night to this moment the words had never felt so true.

“I love you” Logan replies, the phrase used to feel so weird as it tickled his tongue, refusing to fall for anyone besides his mothers. But now, it felt like the pieces just fit. “Come on, they cleared the building, lets give you some time” He ushers the family away from noise, watching as Virgil and Roman follow them. “Breathe Patton” Logan assures, squeezing his hand.

God it felt so good to hear it, not a fading memory, but the words imprinted in his mind.

~~~

The air had calmed, and after many ‘Are you ok?’ and angry promises from Virgil the four felt like a machine again. Jokes and jests, Roman and the twins, Virgil and Logan's debates, it felt comfortable. James, Emile and Remy soon joined them and Patton was excited almost, forgetting the event.

He was targeted...and it had failed.

He should feel on edge but something just felt right? He felt safe, maybe that was premature but he was surrounded by people he loved. The conversation only livened and Patton found himself yawning, leaning on Logan who took him with no push back. The box in his pocket became more prominent, the lawyer swallowed standing with Patton.

“So targeted?” Virgil asks, Patton nods, practically relying on Logan for support. “Patton is there something you aren't telling us?” Virgil pushes, the normal expression should not be on Patton. Why was this so ok with him?

“Im vegetarian?” He wonders, awkward laughs but Virgils not convinced.

“Why don't we resume this conversation at a later date?” Logan proposes, aware of the uncomfortable fidgeting Patton does. Murmurs of agreement from the rest of them, a grateful kiss from Patton seemed to shut Virgil down. “We will be back, Im going to get Patton some water” Logan informs, Roman nods his charge of the twins set now.

“Thank you” Patton nudges as they take a stroll through the sleeping building. Logan smiles, kissing his forehead, even though a short separation he had missed him dearly. He decided now was as good as time as any.

Because he was sure

“Can we talk?” Logan asks once further from the group, Patton nods allowing Logan to take him away. Logan takes his hand carefully leading him into the empty room, their steps echo as they step further in, Patton looks around, his eyes marvelled. Logan tugs harder making sure Patton keeps up, he smiles at his boyfriend as the seemingly nervous leads him to the middle of the room. Patton looks dazily around everything, it's just so relaxed and calm.

“Patton” Logan clears his throat, the lawyer turns to him, cocking his head. Logan will never get over the sweet innocence his partner radiates, the absolutely adorable way he composes himself.

“Hmm?” Patton hums, Logan takes both his hands, fiddling with his fingers gently. He can't help the urge, leaning in slowly he kisses Patton softly, surprising the smaller of the two.

“Sorry, I jus-” He's cut off by a gesture of return, Patton cups his cheek as he kisses him back. It's safe to say they both melt. Once he pulls away, he sighs content, shakes his head quickly however. “Ok I have something to say, and I need you to listen” He asks, Patton rubs his thumb against Logan's cheek reassuringly. Logan swoons, shutting his eyes, feeling the warmth against his face. Logan kisses the palm of Patton's hand, allowing the smaller man to giggle.

“I love you starlight” Patton confesses, as he had done so many times before. “Now go, tell me!” He encourages, Logan nods ready.

“Patton...you are the smartest person I have ever met, you never, ever fail to amaze me” Logan breathes as Patton cups his face, letting go was not an option. The room resonated with his love, his words echoed, Patton couldn't miss them. “From the moment you walked into this exact courtroom ten years ago, to this very second, you've been my everything” How do you reciprocate something so strong, how can you explain your own words?

“Lo-” Patton tries, he has so much to say. He's not sure where this is going but damnit if he won’t tell Logan how much he loves him.

“Please, let me finish” He begs, his eyes twinkle, Patton's favorite feature. The absolute excitement in his eyes, the hinted buzz as he generates thoughts. He nods staying quiet at his request “Patton, you are the strongest, kindest, most loving person, and I don't know how” He admits, they laugh dryly. “Im serious, you've been through...quite a lot in your life” Patton shrugs hoping it'll stop the tears. “There aren't words…” He stops, his breath stutters, there really aren't, this overwhelming pang in his chest, the absolute adoration in his eyes. “There aren't words to describe everything I feel...I don't even know what I feel” He says, tilting his head up to stop the tears. He can get through this. Patton smiles, sadly wiping them away for him. “Patton, I love you, from the smile you gave me as you sat down for our first case to the moment you asked if you could kiss me” He reminisces, Patton sucks in a breath, he'd like to do it again.

“Take a breath divine” He requests watching his partner struggle to get his words out. Logan laughs through his sweet sorrow, allowing Patton once more to rub his thumbs under his eye, wiping away more tears. The prickly feeling quickly washed away, replaced by warmth and safety. A promise of love.  

“I-i promise I can get through this” He only half jokes, Patton has to wonder where this came from. Not that he doesnt love it, and that he isn't vibrating to return everything Logan says to him, to give him all the love he so deserves. He removes his hold from Patton's waist, lingering as Patton's hands meet his own. He inhales slowly, a deep breath closing his eyes, he begins his descent and Pattons heart drops. Logan kneels shakily, Patton can feel his hands move fast, Logan goes to his pocket. “P-patton Hart” He stutters, Patton squeezes tightly to his hand. “Will you marry me?” He meets his tear dewed eyes, the bright star behind the glasses. The box he holds out, a beautiful perfect ring awaiting an answer.

“Youve got to be kidding me” Patton scoffs playfully, his heart beats fast he can hear its pulse, Logan feels the panic set in. “Only me” He shakes his head, Logan recoils his hands, feeling a deep flush. Patton goes to his own pocket, a small velvet box emerges. “A walk in the park, everything planned out, under the stars just like you like it” He mumbles, Logan stands, a calm floods him, the urge to scoop Patton up smothering the man he holds so dear overtakes him. “Oh! And yours was so good, I mean yes of course and…” He rambles on but Logans eyes go wide, he cups Patton's face stopping him in his tracks.

“Y-yes? You said yes?” He rushes, Patton nods unphased. “Oh..oh!” He exclaims picking up the lawyer, he spins him around delighted, squeals of laughter are released. He sets him down meeting his lips, Pattons arms make their way around Logans neck returning the gesture. They pull away desperate for air, clutching to each other. “I love you Patton” Patton smiles bright, a toothy grin spread across his face. Logans not sure what happened, the way his frozen smile disappeared so quickly, Logan doesn't have time to register. Had he said something wrong? The shortest breath released as Patton lurches only slightly forward. He had missed the high-pitched ringing that had entered the room seconds before, but he didn't miss Patton falling limp in his arms and the increasing amount of something warm oozing in his hands. “P-patton?” He fears, He descends to the ground with Patton still in his arms. His eyes dart around the room quickly then back to Patton. Everything happens so slowly, he doesnt understand whats happening, until he sees the dark red bleeding from Patton's abdomen. “Oh god...oh god! Patton! No no...no! Help!” He cries, his hands applying heavy pressure to the wound. He hugs him closer, he can't even see anymore, the fogginess and blurriness of his glasses and tears well him up. “Patton! Please! God no! Someone!”

Take a breath divine

I love you my starlight

“Help...” He pleads softly

[impossible-rat-babies]

savior for the micro stories?

thanks tay! im showing up five years late to the party on this ask, but it’s like that lately!

1467 words | chargestep | angst | im waiting on my visit the cemetery scene malin

--

Should’ve just stayed home, told Ortega “no im not getting out of bed it’s raining outside” or just refused the incessant buzzing of his phone beside his pillow. Thrown it halfway across the room and left it in the pile of laundry accumulating around his dresser where it could buzz in the privacy of unwashed underwear.

But no, he had answered the phone and gotten himself sweet talked into an ambiguous meeting, which lead to a car ride on “just on an errand or two”. By the time he realized where they were going, it was too late to back out and he couldn’t argue his way out of it. He could have, but a shouting match in a car sounded like far too much work. He could’ve also taken a tumble out of the moving car—wouldn’t be the first time—but he would spare Ortega the heart attack.

He’s been here before on both clear and rainy days, years and years ago when the funerals were far too often, the caskets they put in the ground empty. He wore his mask and suit–everyone all dressed up in symbolic show, a united front. The fight wasn’t over just yet and they were going to beat this, they were going to win.

The Rangers always get their man.

He didn’t have tears for any of people lost over the years, just a numb stone in his gut, an itch in his hands and a mind trying to piece together a puzzle with half the pieces missing. The devil finds work for idle hands and watching caskets lowering into the cold dark work make for eager fingers.

He toasted a cigarette and half a beer to the dead in his silent apartment at three am that same night and that was enough. Enough to make idle hands work once more.

Deja vu has the same numb dull weight in his stomach as they pick through the gravestones, muddy ground squelching underfoot. Doesn’t matter which way the dead lay, he doesn’t weave through the graves and he’s already got a streak of bad luck a mile wide so what’s a little more?

Ortega walks on proper paths, the worn lines in the grass and Pollux stays out of arms reach. Ortega might get ideas, ones he doesn’t want to think about because just being here makes him feel far too fragile, feet itching to leave.

But still he keeps following, making his own path from gravestone to gravestone until there’s just the one and Ortega pauses, his feet fit three feet from the small headstone in front of him.

It’s a grave with a name etched into it just like all the others out there–the dozens and dozens of graves both hero and not. Victims by someone’s count the lot of them, but not the only empty casket. But the others aren’t coming back. Not really.

He didn’t come back either. Not really. Not the way he should have, not whole, Not the same person everyone remembers. He can’t remember how to be that person anymore.

“Pollux?”

Eyes slipping from the grave up to look at Ortega and there’s a silent question in his eyes, one stuck behind the radio static of a head turned to the wrong frequency. Ortega steps far too close and Pollux takes a half step back to the distance he needs–the distance he needs to keep lying to himself.

“Yeah?”

A glance again and deep breath in and there it is. He tucks shoulders in tight, shoving his hands into his pocket, lips set in a grimace, eyes narrowing at etched stone.

‘Sidestep, beloved by the people of Los Diablos.’

Pollux stands silent, rocking from foot to foot to the stirring anxiety in his gut, in his feet. There’s the silence of expectations hanging in the cool misty rain and all it does is make his clothes cling to his skin, a uncomfortable reminder at the best of times.

“I dunno know why you wanted to come here of all places.” Pollux’s grumbling breaks the silence and Ortega spares him a glance.

“Thought it’d be…”

“Nice to visit my own grave?” Pollux gives him a look and there’s a twitch of the eyebrow, lips curling into a grimace and that hit a nerve.

“People like this thing called closure, Pollux.” He chides and Pollux scoffs, pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket, rhythmically tapping the box against his hand in practiced motions.

“For me or for you?” He turns an eye to him, the flick of a match and the puff of smoke following.

“I’m not a dead man walking.” Ortega shoots back and Pollux takes a deep breath of smoke in, letting it out.

“Says you.” Pollux shoots back and Ortega clicks his tongue and shakes his head.

“Do you really have to do this? Here?”

“Do what here?”

“The attitude going on. It’s a cemetery, Pollux.”

“What? You’re suddenly keen on having expectations for me now?”

“Pollux.”

He’s looking at him like That and Pollux turns his head sharply, jaw clenching and unclenching, licking his teeth behind his lips with words he could spit.

“I don’t know what you want out of this, Ortega!” Pollux huffs, waving his hand. “I’m here, looking at my own gravestone and and it doesn’t mean anything. None of this means anything!” He gestures all around them, breathing harsh out of his nose.

“It does mean a lot!” Ortega fires back and there’s a sinking feeling in Pollux’s gut like he shouldn’t be getting in a fight, they shouldn’t be getting in a fight, but they are and fuck he wants this.

He grits his teeth and spits his words. “What? To the people who died? How much do they care, Ortega? They don’t because they’re dead!” 

“I thought you died, Pollux!”

“I should have died!” Pollux finally fires back, hands clenched and his lost cigarette smolders, foot crushing it into the wet grass as he steps closer. This is what’s been bubbling in the back of his throat, choking him for far too long and he’s spitting out the words like broken teeth.

“I shouldn’t be here! Here in this fucking graveyard, or here in this goddamn city with you, or anywhere!”

This is what Ortega does and he fucking hates it. He hates because he wants to tell him, rip off the bandaid and bleed out all that’s been building between them since the diner, let all the hate run until he’s dry.

‘I hate you and all that you mean to me and I should be six feet under but no I’m sitting up here fucking talking to you about how I fucking died.’

He should’ve let him put that bullet in his mouth and then it would’ve been for sure. His head is the only thing that’s worth anything on his body. His stomach rolls and it takes far too much effort not to lose his lunch all over his grave, blood rushing in his ears, heart racing so fast his chest is aching.

“You really think that?” Ortega asks and Pollux licks his lips, nodding sharply.

“Yeah, I think that.” He sighs and his shoulders hunch back to their usual tired posture, tension running rivers out of him. Fighting always leaves him with a migraine, frustration like a screaming kettle pounding in his brain.

“I’m not a project to fix, Ricardo. Can’t fix what’s always broken.” He wipes some of the rain off his cheek. “You’re not my fucking savior. I didn’t ask for this.” He adds just to twist the knife and there’s not an ounce of regret when Ortega looks at him like some poor kicked puppy.

“You know,” Ortega speaks up and Pollux doesn’t look, shoulders still hunched, scowl firm on his lips. “You didn’t ask for me to help, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to offer.”

Pollux can’t help but bark out a laugh and he shakes his head, lips curling into a grimace.

“You never know when to quit.”

“You know I never learned how.” 

He says it like it’s going to fix what’s been said, like Pollux will just let it all go and he’ll get to hug him and blah, blah, blah, things go back to the new normal they still have under construction.

But that’s not how this works, not at all. There’s a flood still stuck behind his teeth and eyes, hundreds of things he needs to say and thousands more he doesn’t want to admit. A whole ocean covered by glass and they’ve only dipped their toes in.

“Well, maybe you should start learning. I’m fucking going home, Ortega.” Pollux huffs and he turns on his heel in the wet grass and he quickly walks away, cigarette left behind in the grass.

—

[staruplatinum]

A Night With Prosciutto

this was a commission for the lovely @babyybitchhh . It was so much fun to write this, I really enjoyed the Idea and i hope I did it justice! (●♡∀♡))ヾ☆*。also, fyi, im terrible at titles.

word count: 3,400

warnings: 18+, slut shaming, prostitution, cigarettes, rough sex, slapping/spanking, unwanted creampie, slight daddy fetish

*reader is female, translations/currency conversions are at the bottom!

         Your mistress called down for you on one crisp evening in November. This was the usual for you of course, and a phone call from a client was not out of the ordinary, especially since the months were starting to get colder. Slipping on your housecoat, you were in the middle of doing your makeup. You trotted down the stairs to meet with her. She gave you an annoyed glance before proceeding to order you around. 

“You have a client tonight, he’s willing to pay big.” She said, hanging up the phone and putting it back on it’s stand, the soft crashing sound enough to startle you. 

“Pay big?” You asked, crossing your arms — almost as if you didn’t believe it. You were in this business for about two years now and on the higher-end of the scale. It wasn’t uncommon for men to say they would pay big, only to leave you with 65,000lire. This wasn’t a lot considering most of these men were Mafioso and had more money than they knew what to do with. You’d think that having sex with them - disgusting as some of them were- they’d give you more than that. 

“He’s part of Passione, or something like that. I don’t really care. The point is, he saw your photo and asked for you in particular.” Your mistress added. 

Sighing, you pinched the bridge of your nose. You should have known better. Lately, lots of men requested you because of how submissive you were, you were sure they were giving your name out to all of their buddies. 

“Alright, what’s the address and when do I have to be there?” You asked. 

“Vico Pallonetto Santa Chiara 8 80134” your mistress stated. “You are to be there for 7:00pm which, is in about an hour. I’ll have a cab ready for you.” 

You had heard rumours about that area, nobody ever really went there because it was a sketchy part of town. You started to worry a bit, maybe this wasn’t a good idea.. 

“Wait signora, that’s a bad part of town!” You protested. 

She shrugged and gave you another dirty look. “So?” 

“So, I don’t want to go! What if something happens to me?”  You asked, shaking slightly from the anxiety. 

“This man is going to pay us big, and you will be going whether you like it or not. If we don’t hear from you by 10:00pm, we’ll send one of the guards to come get you. Now, go get ready. I don’t want to hear any more on the subject.” She said cruelly, before turning around and heading towards the kitchen with some of the other girls. 

You sighed heavily as you made your way back up the staircase. The area was sketchy, and you had heard many warnings from other people in town to stay away. Upon doing further research, you heard that this was the area in which La Squadra Esecuzioni operated, the notorious assassins of Passione. 

You never got involved with the mafia, you had no interest and you wanted to keep your nose clean, despite the fact that you had fucked a bunch of members already. 

Having less than an hour to get ready, you finished your makeup, put on a tight black dress and wore a long coat over it all. Of course, you didn’t forget your black stilettos either. The thought of where you were headed was making you anxious, but you tried your best to mask the rush of nervousness. 

As you headed downstairs you grabbed your clutch purse before being escorted into your taxi.

The ride to the location you were told to be at was long, about 40 minutes with all the traffic you had to endure. You had made sure to take “anti-anxiety” pills to help numb your emotions. The last thing you wanted was to have a freak-out and be in trouble with your boss. Plus, if this man really was going to pay well, you’d be in deep trouble. 

 Finally, just as the sun was setting, you were dropped off right in front of an old building, riddled with graffiti and blocked off windows. Your clicking sound of your heels echoed as you cautiously walked down the alley way, looking for the address. 

“8 80134…” You repeated over and over until you reached a run-down door with that same address. You knocked cautiously, waiting for some sort of response. 

Suddenly, the door opened, and you were greeted by a tall man smoking a cigarette. It was hard to make out his features due to the darkness inside and outside, but he gently grabbed your hand and pulled you inside. 

Upon further inspection, you could see his face more clearly now. He was much more hotter than you expected, and he looked rather young. Most of your clients were older men, between 40-50. He looked to be 25, maybe 26. Either way, you were both close in age and that gave you some sort of ease. 

The man looked you up and down, smirking as he took a drag of the cigarette. “sei davvero carina” he purred, before dumping his cigarette on the floor and stomping it out. You pushed some loose strands behind your ear, and muttered a soft “grazie” as you blushed. 

“So.. where .. how should we do this?” You asked. Just as you did, you noticed at least 4 other bodies moving around in the background. Your eyes shot open with fear. Oh no… 

you had hoped this wasn’t one of those times where you’d be gangbanged, that really wasn’t your intention for the night, even if you did enjoy it. Truth be told, you had just wanted to get this over with. The location and glares from the other men 

“No no no Bella, you think I would fuck you in this shit hole? You deserve the best” the man said as he squished your cheeks with his right hand, making your lips pucker out. 

He stopped briefly and looked behind him before yelling abruptly. “PESCI! Vieni qui!” The loudness of his voice shocked you, and suddenly you felt taken aback. Moments later, a tall man with spiky green hair, and a very apparent nervous face, approached you both. 

“porterai me e la mia piccola puttana in hotel” The y’all blonde man asked. Ah, so he had planned to take you to a fancy hotel, how nice!~ 

Pesci nodded, and walked outside to one of the black cars that were lying around, he started it, waiting for you two to join him. The blonde man held out his arm for you to link yours with, and flashed you a toothy smile. “My name is Prosciutto, by the way.” 

You smiled and blushed, before giving him your name. He really was attractive, probably the most attractive man you had got to do this with in a while. 

Prosciutto opened the car door for you and escorted you inside before getting in and sitting with you. He had told Pesci where the location of the hotel was, and before you knew it, you were on your way once again. 

The drive to the hotel wasn’t nearly as far as you imagined, it was only about 15 minutes before you arrived. As you sat in the car and looked out the window at the beautiful scenery, you felt the warm hands of your client snaking their way up your thigh and squeezing hard. You looked back at him, smiling softly as you watched him smoke another cigarette. 

“grazie Pesci,  guida sicura” prosciutto said as he tapped the hood of the car and watched Pesci drive off. He finished smoking his cigarette once again before escorting you inside the fancy hotel. 

Apparently, the room had already been booked, paid for and everything. And by the time you reached the room, you felt your nervousness begin to show up again. However, it was a different kind of nervousness.  You weren’t scared, no.  For once you actually wanted to have sex and this man, who you barely spoke to made you weak at your knees. 

You walked inside the fancy room and Prosciutto followed, helping you take off your trench coat. He hung it up for you before shutting the door behind him and guiding you over to the bed. You had to admit - this place was way better than the original address you were supposed to be at. At least here if anything happened you could run into the hallway. 

Prosciutto came up from behind you and studied your body, admiring all your features. The dress you wore extenuated all of your curves, and he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. His hands glided up to your breasts where he gave them a firm squeeze. “Take this off.” He demanded, his voice hazy with need. 

You nodded and complied, slowly pulling the straps of your dress down and following suit after with your bra. Your breasts now exposed in the air, Prosciutto smirked. “These are pretty nice” he said, as he pinched one of your nipples, causing you to gasp. “For a whore.” 

 His words took you back, but you were used to this kind of treatment by now. “It comes with the job description signore, but you flatter me all the same.” You added.  Prosciutto just smirked at you before taking out another cigarette and lighting it. 

“Alright, troia,” he said in between drags. “How about you put that mouth to good use?” 

You knew what that meant. Nodding, You pulled the rest of your garments off completely, only leaving your stockings and heels. You complied with his orders; getting down on your knees. Your delicate fingers traced patterns over the growing tent in his pants before you began to unbutton them and zip them down. 

“Let me take care of you, Signore”

Though he was only half-way hard, you could already tell he was big. Pulling down his underwear, your fingers wrapped around the base of his shaft as you slowly began to pump him. Looking up at him and batting your lashes you stuck your tongue out, making an ‘o’ shape with your mouth as you began to take him in. He looked so handsome from this angle- the fact that he was smoking made it all the more appealing. He put one of his hands on the top of your head, roughing up your hair as you started to suck him off. 

This went on for a few moments, until he finished his cigarette, before he abruptly grabbed you by the hair and pulled you off. 

You shrieked as his hands tangled in your hair, pulling the roots on your scalp. “Sorry Bella, but I don’t see any tears in those beautiful eyes,” Prosciutto said to you. “That means you’re not trying hard enough. If you want that 1,315,258lire, you better try harder.” 

1,315,258lire?! That was more than anyone had ever paid to your business as a whole! 

You nodded and grabbed his thick cock, pushing all 7 ½ inches of it down your throat slowly. “That’s more like it.” He cursed. He let you take him in slowly, but only for a little while. When he got impatient, he grabbed both sides of your head and began to fuck your face. It was too much, you could feel the prickly parts of his shaved pubes on your nose as he went as deep as he could. The head of his cock reached the deaphts of your throat, causing you to gag. 

Soon, just as he wanted, tears were welling up in your eyes, mainly from the fact that you could barely breathe. Your throat made lewd sounds as you struggled to take his rough thrusts. Eventually you tried to push him back with your hands; nails digging slightly into his thighs. Holding onto a fistful of your hair, he pulled your head back, his throbbing cock just barely touching your lips. Your eyes were watery, and your mascara was leaking. You looked like you had been crying for an hour…

You puckered out  your lips, trying to lick the Pre-cum off of his cock as you stared up at him with watery eyes. The tears had nearly blurred your vision. He was a little - no, a lot pissed off that you’d even try to push him off. Who do you think you are? He kept his cool though. The last thing he wanted was to ruin everything… so early. 

Prosciutto noticed your tears and he got down on one knee, using his soft hands to wipe away the tears on your face. He held your cheek in his hand, gently caressing you. You leaned into his touch willingly as you sniffled — enjoying his comfort.

 “Oh no Bella, you don’t have to cry-“ 

smack

In an instant, he went from caring to borderline abusive. He slapped you across the face hard enough to leave a red hand mark. Prosciutto kept his fist knitted in your hair and picked you up roughly, throwing you on the bed. “Get on your hands and knees, Puttana.” He demanded. You nodded, obeying him once again. As he asked, you were on your hands and knees with your ass up in the air, waiting for him.  

He pulled his trousers down completely and got on the bed, gently rubbing circles on your ass cheeks. Of course this didn’t last long, as he started to spank you hard once again leaving red marks all over. While prosciutto thought you would be hurt by this, he was surprised to see that it turned you on. Not only did it turn you on, it caused you to moan.  

“Ha. So this is why the slut is so popular” he thought to himself. Nonetheless, He placed the head of his cock at your entrance, gliding it up and down your folds to tease you. 

His teasing was driving you insane! You bucked your hips backwards, hoping it would egg him on enough to shove his cock inside of you. But, Prosciutto was in no hurry, after all, he still had you for another hour or more. He wanted to make the most of his time. A shitty blowjob wasn’t enough. 

As he slowly pushed the head of his cock in, he pulled out his pack of cigarettes. Grabbing another one and lighting it, he tossed his lighter on the floor as he steadied himself inside of you. Prosciutto took another long drag of his cigarette before pushing all the way inside of you and butting the cigarette out on your ass. 

“Ah!” You shrieked as you looked back at him, a clear expression of pain and fear on your face. 

“che c'è? The woman said you were experienced.” Prosciutto stated as he pushed in even further. The head of his cock was prodding at your cervix. You let out a long groan as you struggled to take his length. 

“I-I am! But a warning would have been nice!!” You managed to screech out. 

“Well here’s your warning troia, don’t tense up.” He barked, looking down at the small circular burn mark that now littered your plump ass cheek. Smirking, he couldn’t deny how much it turned him on. He loved taking beautiful whores and making them wither below him. He wanted to be the one to ruin them. 

His hands traveled to your hips where he groped you hard, pulling you back into him as his thrusts became erratic. He wasn’t slow and soft about it at all - no. He fucked you hard and rough, he wanted to make sure that you felt him, and that your cervix would be bruised from how hard he was going. 

Small pants and grunts could be heard from Prosciutto as he continued his assault, meanwhile you were moaning like a ‘whore’ as he called it. 

His thirsts slowed and he bent over you, snaking a hand around your neck and whispering in your ear;

“Here’s what’s going to happen Bella. “ — he started, his soft breaths tickling your ear lobe. “You’re going to call me daddy. Understand?” He finished, biting your ear hard. That little stunt earned him a small squeak from you and a sensual nod as you tried to keep your composure. Which, was hard considering he was pressing your face into the pillows. 

Prosciutto leaned back up, pulling onto your hips once again. His thrusts sped up again, and you could tell he was close, since they were so uneven. Your fingers grasped onto the sheets, struggling to get a strong grip by how hard you were being fucked. Prosciutto noticed this and just chuckled darkly before slapping your ass once again. 

“Come on, Bella. Cum for your daddy” he growled. 

You stopped thinking after Prosciutto said that. His left hand trailed down and began to rub rough circles on your clit. The pleasure was too much. 

“Oh- fuck!! Daddy!” You moaned, louder than you should have. You were so close, you could feel it in your soul. 

Just then a sudden thought popped into your head. 

“D-daddy… please don’t cum inside…” you panted. Though you had sex many times before, you didn’t like when men came inside you. It was just a mess for you to clean, plus having to get the morning after pill was usually a pain. 

“I’ll do what I want bitch, now keep quiet.” He growled. His fingers continued to massage you roughly and without warning you finally came, squirting your juices and throbbing around his hard cock. You moaned out the words “daddy” as much as you could. After all, you wanted him to be satisfied. 

Soon after, Prosciutto came. Right inside of you. His cock pressed hard into your cervix, going as deep as he could so you could feel his seed leak into you. A wave of panic ran over you as he finally pulled out and you felt some of his seed leak down your thighs. When his cock was fully out of you, he spread open your cheeks, watching how red your cunt was, as well as your ass. You were going to have bruises there for sure the next day. 

Using one of his slender fingers, he pushed the remainder of his seed back inside of you as you rolled onto your back, panting. 

Prosciutto stood up, and cleared his throat while looking at you. 

“Clean me up.” He demanded while pointing to his softening cock, which had both your juices and fragments of his seed on it. You felt dead for a moment - completely worn out and utterly upset that he didn’t respect you enough to pull out. However, you pushed that aside and got up off of the bed and kneeled on the floor. 

You gently held his cock in your hands as your mouth engulfed him once again, sucking the residue off of it until he was satisfied.  Prosciutto looked down at you. For a moment, he genuinely felt bad about what he had done to you, but then again.. you were just a whore. 

He pulled his cock away from you and knelt down squeezing your cheeks and pulling you in for a deep kiss. His tongue invaded your mouth for a while before he pulled away and looked into your eyes. 

“I’ll be calling you again, Bella.” He said, almost coldly. 

As quickly as the night started it came to an end just as fast. Within minutes Prosciutto had his suit on once again - and a cigarette in his mouth. He wrote you up a check, the 1,315,258lire he promised was there, and suddenly you didn’t feel as bad as you did. 

Prosciutto tossed you the check and rushed out of the hotel. He had business to finish with La Squadra, so he couldn’t stay for pillow talk. 

Alone, you stayed on the bed, feeling his seed leak out of you and a few tears fall from your face. Part of you hoped you’d be able to see him again. He was rough, but he was one of the best clients you ever had… but part of you had a feeling you’d never see him again. Either way, he really did make you feel like a whore. 

-

translations!

65,000lire = $50

1,325,258lire = $1,000

veini qui - come here

porterai me a la mia piccola puttana in hotel - bring me and my little whore to the hotel

grazie - thank you

guida sicura - drive safe

troia - slut / puttana - whore

signore - sir

che c’e? - what’s wrong?

[emilyxvalentyne]

Alcoholic Love CH

A/n: So this is my first ever series so please bare with me. I may not be the best but I’m trying so please leave some positive feed back. Don’t let this flop please.

Disclaimer: This is just some good old classic fiction. I am not involved or do I know anything about the character used in this.

Warnings: not really any in this one but for the (series) there is going to be some of the following: alcohol abuse, drug abuse, cursing, depression, anxiety.

Summary: CalumXgirlfriend theres a rough patch in the relationship Calum has become distant, she slowly turns to drugs and alcohol to numb her pain.

A/n: please don’t let this flop!! Give me some tips on how to better it or if you have any ideas for me.

…………

I woke up to the bed empty this morning, I heard some noise going on downstairs so I assume Calum is still here. I got out of bed and put some socks on trying to avoid the cold floor. I made my way down stairs and into the kitchen. I saw Calum making some coffee. I slowly made my way behind him wrapping my arms around his torso resting my head against his back, he tensed up against my touch but didn't respond to it. I sighed and moved away from him walking over to the fridge, grabbing the butter, jam and orange juice. I set them on the counter next to Calum, who was sitting on a stool drinking his coffee and texting someone on his phone. I turned away from him and stuck some bread in the toaster. Calum seemed to be entertained with his phone to pay me any mind. I leaned my side in to the counter keeping me up on my propped elbow. I stared at Calum trying to read his face. Lately it's just been nothing but him working or going out, this is probably the longest we have been in a room together in about three weeks. He was dressed up as if he was about to head out. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad that he was going out. I've tried talking to him about it but all he says is that he doesn't have time to talk about it or that he was to tired. I felt sad whenever I was alone here in our home, of course I went to work and did some college classes but whenever I got home to an empty house (besides duke) it always depressed me. I was pulled out of my thought when my toast finally popped up. I took out a butter knife and smeared the butter and strawberry jam on the golden squares. I poured some juice into a glass and put everything away. I pulled out the stool next to Calum and sat down. I felt Calum's stare burn into the side of my face as I sat there eating my toast.

'Do you want some of my toast?' I slide my plate over to Calum finally making eye contact with him. His eyes were dark and unreadable, but I could sense he was annoyed. Calum rolled his eyes and got up placing his mug into the sink. I felt as if he was almost annoyed with my very existence.

'No im heading out' I heard Calum mumble as he stared walking towards the living room. I followed I never ask Calum where he went anymore so I could avoid him getting mad but now I was kind skeptical on where exactly he was going. Calum was crouched down petting dukes head.

'Heading out where?' I asked more to myself rather then to him. I could practically see him rolling his eyes. He stood up and glared over at me.

'I'm just going out, God do you need to know where I am like your my mom' Calum was now heading up to our room I was right behind him following him into the closet where he continued to look for shoes.

'I never ask you where you even go anymore because you get mad all the time' I stood there in front of him as he sat on the bed tying his shoes.

'Well then why do you ask its just a waste of my time and yours' Calum was now putting on some cologne. He looked extremely agitated with me but at this point I could care less.

'Because I was wondering what time you would be home so we could hang out you know it's been a while since we-' I was cut off by Calum chuckling he stared at me as if I was stupid.

'Look I really don't have time for all of this right now I have to get going' calum said as he stared walking past me. But I reached forward to grab his wrist.

'Are you seriously to busy to even hang out with me? What has gotten into you, huh? All you do is go to rehearsal and go out with your friends, you seem to never have time for me, your girlfriend anymore' I looked into his dark eyes trying to see anything but all I could see was annoyance.

'Oh my god, fine then be ready by 6' Calum pulled his arm back and walked out of the room. I followed not wanting to give up.

'Are you serious, you are taking me out later?' I said before he walked out the front door. He turned around stood directly in front of me towering over me. I felt as if his eyes were burning into my soul, all I wanted to do was step back but I felt locked into place.

'Yes, I'll be back later' Calum reached forward and and caressed my cheek and leaned in placing a kiss on my forehead. He then turned out the door shutting it closed with a loud thud. I was left in the same position as he left me in. Confused his kiss didn't feel right on my skin anymore almost as if he had forced it. I walked back upstairs and into my room where I then laid on our bed. I glanced over to his side of the bed. It was slightly wrinkled as if he only slept on top of the blankets. I wish he was still here, I wish he would spend the day with me, I wish.... I wish he would love me... no he, does love me maybe he's having a hard time at the studio and rehearsal.

I rolled into my side and looked at my alarm clock it was 12:36 in the afternoon. I sat there deciding whether or not to clean the house. After a long sigh I got up and walked over to the laundry basket that of course had only my clothes in it with Calum's clothes all bunched up on the floor around it. 'For the last time the clothes goes into the basket' I groaned out loud, I put all the dirty laundry in to the basket and made my way down to the laundry room. I started organizing the clothes and washing and folding. It's amazing how much clothes Calum goes through in one week. After about an hour and a half of washing and folding I finally finished and fed duke and washed the dishes. The rest of the house was basically clean since I clean it almost everyday. I sat on the couch finally checking my phone. I responded to a few text and checked the time it was 3:17 I groaned and decided to watch tv. I flipped through the channels while duke laid on my lap.

'You understand me right' I spoke to the little furry dog that laid on my lap. Duke just continued to chew on his bone. 'Why is your owner such an asshole sometimes' this time duke looked up and whimpered almost as if he understood what I said

'But I love him just as much as I love you' I ruffled his fur and kissed his head. I got up finally making my way to take a shower and getting ready to go out with Calum.

I put on a two piece set with some sandals I curled my hair and sprayed myself with Calum’s favorite scent on me. My makeup was done and now it was just a waiting game.

6:30 rolled around at this moment he could just be late. I let duke go out into the backyard I watched him run around then come back inside where he literally stopped to look at me and then he ran back out. I laughed at every little thing he did he really does cheer me up when I’m feeling down. He’s like a best friend but I always wish he could talk that would be cool. I played tug war with him and I always let him win. He made me miss my family and my dog back home.

7:30 rolled around the sun was getting ready to set and there was still no sign of Calum. I knew at this point he wasn’t going to come but a small part of me still had hope. I was mad that I got all ready for him to not even show up but in the end I should have expected this it’s really no shocker. I texted him but it wasn’t the usual ‘hey are you still coming!’ Text. Rather I sent this instead ‘ you could’ve just told me you were busy tonight or not even have told me to get ready for disappointment tonight at all. It probably would have hurt less’. I dragged myself up stairs to change I put on some sweats and a Pink Floyd t-shirt, I slipped my checkers vans on and grabbed my credit card and keys. I decided to just leave my phone I got into my car and went to the local Mexican restaurant I usually go to. I really didn’t want to sit around being sad.

“Well well well welcome back, long time no see” Celia my usual waitress was always to cheerful.

“Yah yah yah I know” I laughed as I took a seat right in front of her as I scanned the menu as if I didn’t know what was on it.

“What will it be hermosa? The usual?” I nodded and handed her the menu.

“Wait Celia can I get it to go and a strawberry margarita to go as well please”

“Of course Emily, I’ll be right back” I scanned the restaurant it was pretty slow for a Friday night usually the place packed with customers.

“Slow tonight because banda MS is in town, how come you’re not there you usually love seeing and going to bailes mija”

“I wasn’t really feeling it tonight I guess” I wasn’t even feeling anything tonight. I didn’t even know my favorite Latin band was in town.

“What’s wrong chula you seem like you have a lot on your mind you know you can tell your momma Celia anything” I really wanted to cry she always made me miss my mom.

“I’m just stressed about school and work that’s all”

“No no I think this something else, do you got boy troubles is it that boyfriend of yours the Australiano” she could always tell what was wrong.

“Yah... he stood me up again I don’t know what to do anymore, god Celia i really love him, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore. It’s like the more I try to talk to him the farther away he gets” tears welted up on my eyes but I held them in.

“Chula you cant force love, sometimes you just have to get up and go. If he is the one for you he will make that clear he will chase after you if he wants you for you because he loves you. And you will see that he wants you because he loves you, you will feel it but if he doesn’t want you then you need to move on and do what is good for you, you have to fall before you can get back up you are young and beautiful and dont forget you are a Latina, nos otras somos fuerte (we are strong) I don’t want to see you all sad next time you come in okay?” I hugged Celia she’s my mom from my home away for home.

“Okay thank you Celia” I paid and tipped her and left I made my way back home to finally eat my Nachos and drink my margarita.

11:30pm rolled by and there was still no sign of him. I always try and try and try. I Put others before myself, and my heart just isn’t ready to let go. I feel as if having this big heart of mine is only a blessing when it becomes an accommodation to other but it’s a curse to my feelings. I put my plates in the sink and my trash in the bin. I switch off the lights and locked up so I can head up to bed.

Another night alone, same bed that made me feel so loved and protected. Now it’s the place where I long for that innocent loving touch

[sirpibbles-blog]

A Little Surprise Habit/Reader Fic

A long overdue request for Habit and a pregnant reader. Sorry it’s an afab reader because science hasn’t progressed far enough yet. Uh kinda took the idea and ran with it so sorry if it’s not what you all had in mind. Finished this after consuming 1/3 cup of raw coffee grounds because I thought it would help me focus.(I just got really sick because i’m STUPID). So If there are a ton of errors you know why. k im gonna go throw up now. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm pregnant."

Nothing could have prepared him for this. Nothing. Habit's body was stiff and unmoving, save for his eyes, brimming with emotion. There was too much to process. Too much to unpack within your simple words. A surge of a hundred different emotions coursed through his head in a matter of seconds. Is this real? A joke? Was he dreaming? 

The two of you had merely been savoring the early morning in each other's arms. There was a calming silence, interlaced with the sprinkling of pillow talk here and there. A regular morning you shared together. Not once in a hundred years would Boris ever guess what you revealed to him. It was a nearly impossible task to place his feelings. But there was nothing disdainful in his heart, no, far from it. He was left with strong traces of what he guessed were shock, endearment, and anxiety. As fast as the love bubbled up in his chest, a foreboding shroud of doubt beat it down. He was happy, truly, overwhelmingly euphoric. And yet, Boris found himself to be completely and utterly terrified. There was going to be a baby. His baby.

The dentist's contemplation was cut short by your shaky voice. “Are you okay..?" Boris tilted his head down to meet your eyes. Your expression was etched with fear and wavering uncertainty. It was clear that this wasn't the reaction you had anticipated from your lover. In truth, you didn't know what you expected. But now, your heart was screaming for something. Something good, any kind of indication that he was happy...Any sign that you did the right thing.

"We ar Going to have A baby.." Your lover's voice came out in a whisper. There were too many things going through his mind at once. Too much he wanted to tell you, but lacked the words to say. Boris was stuck, fumbling through simple phrases. "..How long..?" The dryness in his throat was subsiding and Boris could feel his limbs slowly regain their strength. "About six weeks." Your voice grew steadily more confident. Boris was talking now, it was a good sign. He wasn't upset, you knew that much. But the doctor's face still showed no indication of anything but numb shock. “..We ar going To have a Baby..” Boris repeated as if convincing himself this was real. The words felt foreign on his tongue, but not unwelcome.

Your anxiety and anticipation began to dwell on the man. Boris knew he had to say something more. Something to ease your worried mind. He took a moment to compose a false bravado. “(Y/n), I love You.. I love this. And we’ve Been to-gether Long enuff for me to know, you ar Never rong..But-” Boris paused with a shaky breath. “-is this what you really want?” Despite the man’s feeble attempts to stay together, his facade was crumbling before your eyes. “Do you reelly Want to rayse a Child with this.. pathetic, Poor excuse of a man… with me?” The last words came out in a hoarse whisper.

There was a pause of silence. The air was heavy now, almost suffocating the doctor to death. It was your turn to say something, anything. Boris could feel his mind cry out for you to reject him. Realize your mistakes and run while you can. Find someone new and start a family, a real family. The seconds of silence had seemed like an eternity before you spoke up. “Doctor Boris Habit, why would you ever think for a second that I wouldn’t want to start a family with you? I know we haven’t been together long, but I can’t imagine myself ever loving another man.” Your hand moved to trace his cheek, gently tilting his gaze to meet your eyes. “Please.. Stay with me.” You both didn’t bother to stop yourselves from the oncoming tears threatening to spill over. “(Y/n), My flower, I Pro-mise, no matter what, That I will make you Smile.” Boris clasped his hands around yours, practically consuming them with his size. “And this baby.. Our baby, I will do every-thing in My power to make Them happy too.” With the last of his words, Boris took your lips against his own, passionate, yet gentle.

It didn't take long before Boris found himself warming up to the idea of starting a family. The ever-present fear and anxieties slowly dulled as the months progressed. 

Even though Boris seems confident most days, his panic seemingly came back in waves. It become increasingly easier for Boris to admit how he feels. He tells you of his many insecurities and doubts in a long, well-deserved cuddle session. Of course, you let him know how confident you are in his potential to be an amazing father. And your trust in the man greatly increases his own self-confidence every time.

It doesn't surprise you at all when Boris starts preparing for the baby with immense enthusiasm and care. The first month in, countless educational books and pamphlets are strewn about his study. Boris wants to be able to be there for you completely, so he puts every free hour he has into reading. Preparing for the best, and worst.

 The designated nursery will be completely transformed. You both spend a weekend moving boxes out of the previous storage room. By the time you’re done, the empty room is ready for a makeover. The barren, white walls call to your lover, beckoning his inner artist. It doesn’t come as a surprise at all when after a long day of work, you come home to find Boris plastered with paint from head to toe. The baby’s room becomes his canvas for the next few weeks. And in your spare time, you join in painting with the doctor as well. There’s no better pass-time than painting alongside your dearest dentist. A vibrant cacophony of flora align the walls. Flowers of various types and sizes pepper the nursery, their pastel hues reflecting in the morning light. It’s the most ambitious and passionate masterpiece Boris has had the pleasure of creating, with you by his side.

In your later months, mobility becomes strenuous. The once effortless, domestic chores now seemed more demanding than ever.  The moment Boris picks up on your impaired movement, you can say goodbye to any and all responsibilities. 

Habit’s new favorite method of relieving stress after a long day is to rest his head on your lap. He loves just basking in your warmth and love as you run your hands through his mess of hair. You’ll feel his large hands and face press gently against your stomach. Boris mostly spends this time in quiet admiration, although sometimes you swear you can hear him murmur affectionate nothings to your belly. It’s not uncommon for the two of you to fall asleep like this, and it isn’t unwelcome either.

Every night since your reveal, Boris spends nights clinging to your body far more desperately than before, as if you’d disappear the moment he’d let go. Boris will fight against his own exhaustion until you fall asleep first. He needs to know you’re at peace before letting himself rest. This pregnancy has made him far more paranoid, yet excited. When Boris thinks you’ve fallen asleep, you can always hear him whispering, talking to your baby. The words are always short, but they melt your heart every time. The most common conversations you’ll hear are of his hopes and fears, phrases such as, “I promise you’ll never frown” and “Please don’t be disappointed in your father”.

The child’s gender truly doesn’t matter to Boris. After reading all the possible complications, everything that can go wrong, he just wants them to be healthy. Okay, so maybe he’s a little paranoid. Every scheduled trip to the hospital results in a million questions being asked. And even though his questions are answered, and nothing seems out of place, Boris can’t help but feel uneasy. He can’t be sure until the waiting is over. The nine, agonizing months of waiting.

At the glorious, painful end of the pregnancy, He’s by your side. Hell, in labor, Boris is almost more of a panicked wreck than you are. He can’t help it, being so utterly terrified and excited at the same time. It’s a grueling few hours. Sounds of pain, fear, and crying fill the room. It finally all comes to an end when the shrill cry from a tiny set of lungs breaks the tension.

It’s nothing but crying after that. From you, from the baby, and especially from Boris. Finally, after nine months of stress and fear, the two of you are at peace. One look at this child’s tiny, fragile body and every fear Boris once had towards being able to take care of his new family is completely shattered. He feels an overwhelming urge to protect this new life, this life you’ve both created. For once since your reveal to him, Boris truly feels he is enough to be with you, with his family.

[livingwithmx]

July 10th, 2020

Once the final line up was revealed, I checked up on everyone. Everyone minus Jooheon was complaining and asked how Kyun manipulated his way in.

That's when I started to feel guilty. I saw potential in him and had to ask my dad to debut him. Normally being numb to everyone being so talented, Changkyun was just someone different to me. I ran off due to so much guilt.

On that night, I cried myself to sleep. My original plan was to celebrate with the new formed Monsta X with fried chicken and drinks.

The next day, I walked in the No Mercy dorm where everyone was planning up. Gunhee being disappointed that he couldn't debut with Jooheon aka his ride or die. Thankfully, I told my dad to give him a second chance. Then, there's Yoonho who trained for a long time. I was gonna tell my dad to form a group for him and the other trainees, but hr decided to move on along with the other members. Thankfully, Minkyun left the company before I got a chance to talk to him(phew...)

That leaves me with Monsta X. I helped them move into their new dorm room and ate with them. Kihyun started to cook food for the first time in his life at that moment, but the food got burned which is why we all ordered some Chinese food and ramen for Wonho(that boy would die for a bowl for ramen, trust me). I apologized to everyone for letting Changkyun debut with them. Jooheon actually convinced his fellow members to get along with them which is why I been forgiven.

The next few months, I watched them prepare for their debut. I started to know them a bit more and drift away from the trainees and their seniors.

(I got to help Kihyun ask out a trainee girl who ended up being his BONitA lady friend. Hyungwon was dating a mature ass woman who was super lucky until we realized that she was trash. Or should I say that she was Hyungwon'd Tammy[Sorry Parks and Rec reference]. Wonho was with a transgender man who he supported through his transition)

Anyways, the closer I got to Monsta X, my actual crush for Kyun grew so much that I gotta date him. Then, they started to be busy once they officially debuted which means I have to go back to my life of babysitting trainees and talking to my seniors and god father when they're not busy.

One year later

Around the All In promotions, I got a phone call. It was the guys. Since then, they had an okay debut. Finally got some fans over their song Hero which I so fucking fought for to be promoted (but my dad had to make the choice of giving them a "broadcast" version and a digital repackage. Dude, get out of here). They were all simping over a lesbian (yup Eunseo is a lesbian and a huge Monbebe uwu) for their Rush MV. I only stopped by for birthdays and when the puppy line(Minhyuk the beagle pup and Changkyun the wolf pup got injured).

Now I reminded myself, the time when Changkyun was injured and didn't promote a Chinese drama with his fellow members. Anyways, I stopped by to see him everyday and stay for hours(or if I was told to leave by the nurses). I'd give him a healthy meal and talk about ourselves and life after he debuted.

I learned about a group who were called Nu'bility where Kyun was gonna debut. The real reason why he left is because he didn't think he would debut and the company was broke asf. He tried to have all of the other members audition to Starshit. Sadly, none of them saw themselves debuting there and went to other companies.

The more time we spent together, the closer I fell hard for him. I wanted to tell him how I feel about him but I couldn't. I was so close to kissing him once at the hospital, but I ran off and cried to myself.

Back to May 2016, the guys invited me for fried chicken. I went to see him. Out of all the spots I could sit next to, there was a free spot next to a soft short haired wolf pup. I sat there and ate. When I was told that I got gochujang on my lip, I expected that cute k drama like kiss. Like what happened in the cafe scene of Secret Garden(I FUCKING LOVE THAT DRAMA DON'T @ ME). All I got was a napkin swipe and did it myself. :(

I ended up getting sleepy after the meal. Being the strongest of the group at the time, Hyunwoo carrying me on his back. We walked to my home which I tried to direct them to as I try not to fall asleep. I don't remember what's next since I fell asleep. I woke up in my comfy bed while laying next to a Gudetama plush.

Once again, I couldn't tell Changkyun how I feel. I was pissed at my self again as I hit my head with the Gudetama.

Months later, the guys and I reconnected. I helped Hyungwon deal with his broke up with Tammy II(again Parks and Rec reference). I chose Stuck as a promotional song(which they now regret since they don't even perform it anymore 😔). Organized their first solo concert. I got something to do but I wasn't paid for my work. That's okay, my dad is rich anyways. 🤗

2017, it was near the promotions for Beautiful. I asked Mr.Im Changkyun/Dany Im to go out for sushi and bingsu. Surprisingly, he aceepted the offer. Being my first date, I watch a lot of fake ass hoes on YouTube on how to have a good first time. If having fun mean ending up like Troy with his eyes popping out and being frozen when he was around LeVar Burton in the episode Immediate Flimmaking, then imma shit myself. The fact that I was going on a date that boi was an insane as concept for me to process.

May 11, 2017, this was my first date. I was mentally screaming when we ordered some sushi that is being cooked by a highly skilled chef that was cutting at his own pace for quality reasons. Damn, I was turning into Troy bruh. I was scared. My leg shakes as I wait for my roll with eel on it(if only that eel wasn't dead, it would electrocute some sense into me). We ate but he took the lead in talking. It scares me.

He took my hand which was not helping my anxiety (normal anxiety not the disorder). He took me to get bingsu. For me, he ordered me a matcha flavored and fed me like a baby while taunting me.

On that night before going home, we saw the city on the roof of my dad's company. We finally kissed and went home. Nothing sexual happened after that. That was the moment when we became a couple.

We didn't fuck until six months within the relationship. (Don't worry we consented at that time and after that). Tried to spend young couple holidays together.

We expected it to be only us for a LONG WHILE. Then, we had our little boy Im Chungae/Madrid Troy Im.

Yes, he kicked me out when Hoseok was accused of such ridiculous allegations. Sadly, I never stopped loving him. No one can replace him especially Nakamoto Yuta aka my current boyfriend. Let's just say I treasure Im Changkyun very much. I would never want to abandon him. 6 ME KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJK

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[vennilavee]

📂

there’s a gas leak that leads to a huge explosion at the hospital you work at… ft a worried buckbuck

TSB masterlistTSB Extras: Drabbles/Headcanons/Music

sorry,  im a huge grey’s anatomy fan lmao. i live for medical dramas and disasters on said dramas

- it’s a relatively normal day. the sun is out, it’s a little chilly but that’s to be expected. You have a 7am-7pm shift in the ER today and you’re looking forward to it

- you even manage to find time to do your make up a little bit before work. just mascara, concealer and a little bronzer. for some warmth on your face. you pack mira’s lunch for daycare and leave a little post it on the fridge: ‘bye  babies, stay warm and I will see you soon’ with a little heart next to your name

- bucky’s already up while you’re grabbing your own lunch and chomping on a banana. he’s rubbed the sleep out of his face but his voice is still groggy- ‘morning, darling’ he mumbles in your ear before kissing your hair

- seeing you in your official, navy blue scrubs with your name embroidered on the left side definitely gets him hot and bothered. you look so sexy and authoritative in your scrubs. you had caught him staring at you the first few times when he had seen you in scrubs (you had just gone back to work at the hospital from the clinic). he would blush adorably every time you caught him and you coyly said ‘oh, mr. barnes I didn’t know you were into that’

-  ‘hey, gimme a proper kiss’- you coax him and end up making out with him by the kitchen island for a few minutes. you pull away and look at your phone, yelping when you realize you’re running late

- you’re already out of the door when you say goodbye to him and tell him you’ll text him

- bucky likes staying at home while you work. he knows that it’s not exactly “traditional”, but he thinks it should be. you were a badass, working and taking care of mira when he wasn’t around. he thinks maybe you have some sort of super soldier serum

- he usually reads when you’re at work. goes grocery shopping. hangs out at the compound. works out. walks around the city with Mira. sometimes he picks her up early from daycare just because he misses her so much

- you insist on daycare because you want her to interact with kids her age, but all bucky wants to do is spend all his time with her. learning about everything he had missed when he was gone. what things excited her, what things she didn’t like, what made her blue eyes that were so alike to his own blue eyes spark up 

- bucky thinks nothing of it when you stop answering his texts. after all, you’ve stopped answering his texts abruptly before when you’ve been at work. he goes to the tower after steve and sam text him to hang out with some pizza and beers. he has missed them, too

-it’s always the days you never expect. the days that start out perfectly normal, as usual. nothing about this day led you to believe that anything would remotely go wrong. but of course, the universe is tempted. one of the many oxygen tanks in the oxygen supply area had blown up, setting off a chain reaction. and of course it was one of the oxygen tank supply areas in the ER

- nobody in the waiting area had been injured. but some of your residents were knocked off their feet, and slammed into walls. your main concern were the patients in your ER. as the attending, you have a responsibility to them and to your staff

- there is smoke everywhere, flames are licking along the walls of the ER and your hands begin to tremble. but this is no time for indecisiveness or unsureness. your patients are starting to become hysterical and you and the remaining nurses, residents, technicians, physical/occupational/speech therapists all look at you. you take a deep breath, adjust your glasses and start redirecting traffic

- you call 911, which feels somewhat ironic to you. you’re starting to sweat and the bright orange and red of flames is starting to surround you. you benignly think to yourself that the fire looks quite pretty before tearing your eyes away. you call the necessary hospital staff members, screeching at them that your fuckin’ ER is on fire and if they don’t find another hospital to redirect your patients to in the next two minutes, you’ll set them on fire as well

- you instruct your staff to get as many patients out as they can with whatever monitors they need. you do your best to calm your patients, telling them that they’re going to be redirected to another hospital

- you manage to get every single person out and far away. ambulances have arrived and are currently escorting patients out. the fire trucks are yet to come

- but one of your patients stops you frantically. she’s hysterically crying- she can’t find her son, and her son is terrified of fire. and you remember her son- he had been playing with his toys in her patient room 

- your heart sinks, blood pounding in your ears and it only takes you a second to sprint back into your ER, on a mission to find the missing boy

- the guys are absent-mindedly watching tv, flipping through channels. suddenly a ‘breaking news’ announcement interrupts whatever they’re watching and bucky’s lungs certainly fail him because your hospital, your ER is on fuckin’ fire

- steve is shaking him, already springing into action but bucky can’t move. his lungs feel like they’re filled of ash and his legs won’t work. sam snaps at him and bucky looks at him

- ‘stop it. don’t think the worst, barnes. let’s go, let’s go find her.’ steve says he’ll go get mira from daycare, and bucky and sam rush off to the hospital. bucky’s legs are restless and sam is quiet. anxiety is radiating off of bucky

- bucky’s mind is going a million miles a minute. he can’t- how could your ER be on fire? he tries his best not to think the worst- that you’re dead-charred-in ashes, buried under the hospital. he really tries, but he can’t- he can’t stop. he can’t stop thinking about potentially living without you, about mira not having a mother. he doesn’t realize that he’s shaking, that tears are coming out of his eyes

- he is so scared.

- the ER is completely engulfed in flames by this point. the ceiling is starting to come down and you have to be mindful. you scream for the boy, scream his name and suddenly you hear him screaming back

- he’s stuck. he’s pinned to the wall by one of the med carts, a code cart and an x-ray machine at the back of the er. there is no time for this, and yet you don’t even think about sprinting towards him

- the boy looks horrified. hell, you would be too, if you werent so pumped full of adrenaline. the boy is hysterically sobbing and you try, you really try to reassure him- ‘hey, come on, it’s okay, i’ve got you. we’re- we’re going to get out of here- and you’ll be okay. i’m gonna get you out, alright?” he calms down a little at your soothing voice and you finally, finally manage to pull all the machinery off of him. he runs into your arms and you take his hand- “listen to me, we have to be fast okay, can you be fast for me, kiddo? your mama is waiting for you, alright?”

- he nods at you and squeeze his hand. you tell him to run in front of you- if anyone’s getting stuck it’s not him. you take a breath- 5 seconds of courage- and make a run for it. you’re almost successful too. he’s right there, right at the exit…

- and you’re right here. the ceiling has collapsed completely in front of you. you can’t get through. you could laugh, really, because this was obviously going to happen right?

- the boy looks at you, panicking

‘get outta here, kid. your mom’s waiting- she’s waiting for you. just tell-tell the firefighters when they come…”

- you’re starting to feel dizzy and have to shake your head to center yourself. the kid’s gone already and you think this is how you might possibly die.

- you hadn’t even told bucky you loved him. you hadn’t told mira you loved her.

- sam and bucky split up, searching for you and helping where they can. but neither of them can find you and bucky’s panic is rising. bucky sees the boy run out of the ER, soot on his clothes and he’s heaving for air. the boy seems to recognize bucky because he’s running up to him, arms flailing

“mr. winter soldier sir, there’s a doctor in there- she came back for me- she’s stuck in there-”

- and bucky already knows it’s you. he doesn’t even answer the kid before he’s sprinting into the ER after you

- the fire and flames surrounding the ER remind him of when him and steve encountered the red skull all those decades ago. his mind is sharp, precise, looking only for you. assessing any possible direction you could be in. despite his panic, he is sure in his movements

- then, he sees you, on the ground, coughing up a storm. your eyes are squeezed shut, trying to crawl your way out. you must be dead right? that’s the only explanation for how in the hell bucky is standing in front of you, scooping you in his arms

 - you don’t even have a moment to process what’s happening. all you can do is grip his shirt as he carries you out. youre on the verge of passing out. you cough heavily once the fresh air enters your lungs. bucky sits you down on one of the stretchers once one of the EMTs makes their way over to the two of you

- bucky’s hands are cupping your face. you feel delirious- he’s talking to you, his pretty lips moving but it’s taking you a few moments to recognize what he’s saying. there is soot all over your scrubs, your arms and your face and you’re still coughing. he wants to cry, he really does

- because he thought he lost you, for a split second. for a split second, his entire world darkened, and he can’t bare it. and you have the audacity to grin up at him

- he doesnt even have words for you. only tears. he squeezes you tightly to him, hands touching you to make sure that you are real

- and then you promptly pass out. the EMT’s shoo bucky away and he feels a little less numb. because he’ll always be there to save you

- you wake up in a hospital bed. you’ve forgotten how much it sucks being a patient. a scratchy groan escapes you and you feel a weight next to you. you look to your left- it’s bucky, fast asleep with his head on the bed next to you

“buck,” you scratch at his scalp lightly, “baby. bucky. baby, wake up.”

He jolts awake, eyes red and settling on you

- “c’mere, get into bed with me, baby,” you offer him and move over. he looks like he wants to cry and he scrambles in next to you, tucking you into his side gingerly

“You okay, baby?” you ask. you know how scared he gets when it comes to you. your hands circle his arm

- “I thought- I thought…” bucky looks you in the eye, “I thought I was gonna find you dead. i thought you were dead. I-I- thought-” he buries his head into your neck, arm wrapping around your waist tightly.

“I know baby. I know,” You coo, “Mira’s with Steve?” bucky nods into your neck.

“There was a boy in the er- he was stuck… the firefighters weren’t there yet. i just- i know it was reckless but… I had to.” you tell him softly.

“I know, princess. The kid found me, that’s how I knew you were in there. I just knew.”

“Guess we should both apply to be firefighters, huh?” you try getting him to crack a smile but his face is stony.

“Don’t joke. You scared the shit out of me- I thought you were dead- I thought- I-what was I gonna tell Mira?” His eyes are glassy and wet and your own smile falls off your face. 

“oh, sweetheart, come here. i love you,” you murmur- you can feel his tears against your neck, “I love you so much. you’re always saving me, you know that?”

bucky wants to say that no, it’s you who saved him, but you continue to murmur to him how much you love him and he feels his heart begin to slow.

sorry for all the grammar errors lol this is super rough

Send “📂“ for a random yet completely useless headcanon I have

[dilutedreality]

How my mental health has gotten worse ever since applying to grad school, so much so that therapy, drugs, and self-care can’t save me

Waiting for the call to know I been accepted

When looking at my email gives me anxiety

Seeing new mail notification and scared to see another rejection letter

See another waitlist offer

Make me have false sense of hope

Feeling numb

Stabbed in the back

My anxiety and depression taunting me

Teasing me

Imagining me finally getting accepted and wanting it to come true

I put my entire life on hold just so I can get accepted

Having depression and anxiety attacks during the day

Unable to stay asleep at night

Getting panic attacks in my sleep

I can’t take another night up in my room waiting for a miracle

I exhausted every letter of the alphabet for plans

Drowning in the self doubt thinking I am not good enough

Trying to figure out a new plan when my each plan leaves me injured.

Having no energy during the day because the depression took over

Replaying the interview s in my head

I should have said this or maybe not that

But they said this here and it gave me false hope that

Maybe this is year I finally get in

Or its another year

Feeling like I am a complete failure

Stuck in my room

Staring at the ceiling

Pretending like everything is going to be okay

When im dying inside stuck in hellscape of a reality...

[tumblunni]

M A X I M U M C O Z E

Morning update from the bonn! You guys will be happy to know i slept great and feel so much happier! I actually managed to sleep thru the whole night from 6pm to 10am the next morning. Still feel a lil groggy cos i mean one good nigt's sleep doesnt cure a whole three weeks of bad sleeping patterns. But maaaan i feel so much more good in the brain and soul. Fell asleep in my clothes tho cos i didnt unpack the pyjamas yet, lol!

Ok plans for today is just to unpack and be happ and try and get back to a good mental state. It was so damn surreal and sad when i got to visit here for a few hours last week and it was like i barely recognized it and i still couldbt caln down cos i new it was only a temporary visit home. And my brain was still kinda stuck that way yesterday, i couldnt believe i was really here and really got to stay here again. Emotional numbness to prepare for imminant sads, i guess. But waking up in my maximum coze bed with my dumb beautiful collection of cuddly plush pokemons has really helped me believe its all real, yknow?

ANYWAY! plans for today!

Might not actually do all of these today cos yeah take it easy and become the happyness again and get some more sleep yeah yeah. But this is what i need to do this week yeah!

Unpack the big ol pile of suitcases! Just pretend its like unwrapping birthday presents! Really big cumbersome ones that dont contain any presents!

Pack everything back away where it belongs uuuuugh tiresome

Un-hide the computer, tv, etc. Basically gotta move all the furniture in every room cos i was paranoid and wanted to hide every valuable thibg in the place a hypothetical burglar woukdnt look (under the bed etc)

Hook up the pc again and transfer all the stuff back over from the laptop. I feel bad that i spent so much money on Big Chonk Laptop and hardly even used it cos i wimped out after three weeks...

Cleaning! Cos not everythibg stayed frozen in time, alas. Gotta (ugh) wash out the stinky moss from the fridge and freezer. I got all the food out before i turned them off, but there must have been crumbs somewhere.

Do all the dishes i didnt have time to do before i left. Lol im surprised that didnt get moldy! Seriously its like half of my kitchen covered in dishes cos i was rushing to clean and pack everything and thats just what got left til last.

Introduce new build a bear workshop plushie alolan vulpix to the rest of plushie kingdom. His name is bubblegum! Im sure i shall always look at him and have fond memories of how i conquered this hellish experience.

Hopefully at some point today the internet repairman will call, so i have to deal with that. Atleast being scared of bigger things helped me become less scared of talking on the phone, lol!

GET FOOD. GET FOOD FOR BONN.

Generally go out and walk around le neighbourhood also because I MISSED EVEN THE LAMEST SCARIEST PARTS OF THIS PLACE! But lol that means i need to unpack my shoes and binder first, i wish i could remember where i put them but i was just kinda flailing wildly in a GET HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE trance

Put some credit on the electric bill stick thingy. Could maybe manage to put 5 quid on the heating one too cos seriously the weather keeps flipping between hot and cold and im sure actual winter is gonna start soon.

But make sure to still GET FOOD FOR BUNN! consume sustinance upon this fine morn. Aaaa i only have 15 quid tho but i can get basic Bread n Juice and i just have to wait til friday now.

Actually ehh dont get the heating. Cos the minimum credit is 5 quid and i could use that for foods. Heating is a friday thing! I have all my cool hats to cover up my greasy hair if i dont have a shower for a few days, lol

Go see the new library finally aaaa!!! I hope it was worth the wait!!!

DO LETS PLAYS! or just some kind of recording somethingy! Ive missed being able to even do that, cos i mean no privacy in the hospital and stuff. And again, less scared of that right now cos im still riding the wave inbetween a bigger fear and being safe from that big fear, yknow? Perfect time to try and practise all the social anxiety stuffs! Iwas thinking fibally do that dramatic reading of the bootleg kingdom hearts thing, or that years old accent meme or something

Be happy at a well spent day of good privacy and being myselfness, and have a good sleep again. Woo!

So yeh those are PLANS and for now im gonna go scour the cupboards for the slightest food related thing cos i need to take my meds with food. Then maybe finish off the last of that energy drink just so i can shake off the sickly sleep deprivation funk and go out to the shops while the weather is still good. By the power of scarier bigger things, i am conquer my fear of basic shops sociality!! (..probably)