dilutedreality

[dilutedreality]

How my mental health has gotten worse ever since applying to grad school, so much so that therapy, drugs, and self-care can’t save me

Waiting for the call to know I been accepted

When looking at my email gives me anxiety

Seeing new mail notification and scared to see another rejection letter

See another waitlist offer

Make me have false sense of hope

Feeling numb

Stabbed in the back

My anxiety and depression taunting me

Teasing me

Imagining me finally getting accepted and wanting it to come true

I put my entire life on hold just so I can get accepted

Having depression and anxiety attacks during the day

Unable to stay asleep at night

Getting panic attacks in my sleep

I can’t take another night up in my room waiting for a miracle

I exhausted every letter of the alphabet for plans

Drowning in the self doubt thinking I am not good enough

Trying to figure out a new plan when my each plan leaves me injured.

Having no energy during the day because the depression took over

Replaying the interview s in my head

I should have said this or maybe not that

But they said this here and it gave me false hope that

Maybe this is year I finally get in

Or its another year

Feeling like I am a complete failure

Stuck in my room

Staring at the ceiling

Pretending like everything is going to be okay

When im dying inside stuck in hellscape of a reality...

[dilutedreality]

For once in my life I am not crying tears of sadness, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, or depression.

For once in my life my tears actually mean something

For once in my life me crying when I think of Blake is not because of anything remotely bad

For once in my life I have a friend who doesn’t bring toxic energy into my life

For once in my life I actually have someone who listens to every delusion

For once in my life I have someone who wants to talk to me

For once in my life I have someone who wants to look in my best interests

For once in my life I have someone to be my rock

For once in my life I have someone who I will take to the Final 2(Big Brother) and to Final Tribal Council (Survivor).

For once in my life I found my ride or die

For once in my life…

I think I found my friend for life

((Now if he could talk to me more: like anything… 99.9% kidding heh))

[dilutedreality]

King of Bad Luck: Curse of Valentines Edition

When something happens

And it keeps happening

Over

And over

…and over again

You start to see its as a pattern because that’s I can do

Every time without no thought

No effort

I pour my heart out for a girl

For a dude

But every time

It ends before valentines day

The latest one with a guy

A smart handsome guy

adventurous

Funny

A really great guy

But recently we have became distant

Then it was dead airwaves

I poured my heart out to him

He responded with a message

I need to think…..

Said a week ago.

Dead airwaves from this point

When something happens

And it keeps happening

Over

And over

…and over again

You start to see its as a pattern

It happens all the time..

The Curse of St. Valentines

[dilutedreality]

Theres this comic from buzzfeed from the good advice cupcake

Where it says me saying goodbye to all the toxic people in 2018

I found it funny

The problem is how does one leave  themselves

How do I leave the negative energy that I created for myself

How do I gain back the the lost time from being trapped inside my own head

i do I keep fighting to stay friends with him?

when does the healing start

When the pain is still here to this day

I thought long distance relationships were hard

Turns out long distance friendships are even harder, because I will never know how much he misses me compared to how much I miss him.

These thoughts shouldn’t  be in my head late at night

Because these same thoughts led me to believe Blake was then toxic one

When in fact I’m the toxic one because I draw out the happiness in others so I can feel better about myself

But in the end who’s the one that is still hurting in the end?

[dilutedreality]

Finals Week

the final finals week

when the stress gets mixed with the anxiety and depression

when it is my last time doing X

when this is the end 

when the sentimentalism turns into depression

literally after my last time running finals food, I literally went back to my room and cried

when literally as each day gets closer and closer i feel more and more lonely because the dorm gets emptier and emptier

because time gets closer and closer

faster and faster

the more i want it slow down

because i don’t know what to do

and it doesn’t help that I’m still trying to figure out what to do with all my stuff

it just getting sadder and depressing by the day

and the more i just feel even more alone that I thought…

[dilutedreality]

Well we’ve come full circle

I am now back in the time period where the magic lands started for me

when on the few weeks left in the semester

i start to day dream of the same lines being said

staring at the stars

wondering where things have gone

doing things for the last time

and I don’t know to happy or sad

because it has been just depressing

to think about this is the last time I am going to do x

and wonder where has the time gone

when I been living in my head all this time

and i realize this

when we have 2 weeks left

.-.

honestly there is so much more i could write but i just don’t know to say at this point that i haven’t said bajillion times already…

[dilutedreality]

Why it is hard to have barely anyone

most social events end up with you sitting alone or with people that you kinda know but also feel like an outcast

sometimes its nice

but mostly

it sucks

to be constantly reminded that you only get to see your only friend once in a chance.

when it becomes a conditioned behavior that I avoid him at all costs even though he is the only one who cares

sitting in my room just trying to distract myself from the pain

I mean school work does help get the edge off

but it also somehow leaves an emptiness inside me

it sucks because its beyond my control

because trying to enjoy it

can only do so much…

[dilutedreality]

I really stop using the word friend

because it not always what it seems

maybe this was meant by my former therapist... 

I mean i only have one friend at this school

and we barely get to see each other unless it involves food

mostly because of my anxiety and depression but besides the point

The thing is people get all offended when I say I have no friends

but the catch is,

where were you when I was crying on the floor

where you when i was losing my mind

when i pretending that everything is ok…

or more noticeable

why i keep sitting in the back of the dining hall eating alone

because i don’t do it out of choice,

it is my only option since freshman year…

even when i try to hang out with people it always ends in one of two ways

one, i feel like i am annoying them because i try to be apart of the conversation or using all the energy i have to start one

or two I start to feel depressed because i feel like a loner in a crowd of people and having to snap out of it and pretend that everything is ok

I just feel numb now

because there is honestly no point anymore

i just wished things were different

because maybe I would be ok

or not

idk…

[dilutedreality]

What is it with me and people not communicating with me?

like seriously is it that hard to come and talk to me

like am I that stubborn or arrogant?

Literally what the fuck

first I found out that the meyran VP quits but he doesn’t tell me until way later in the semester after I jokenly say to him “Hey VP who hasn’t been doing much how you been?” Come to find out that he felt excluded from doing council stuff and things have been unorganized… WHEN HE COULD AT ANY TIME CAME TO ME ABOUT THESE CONCERNS! like what the fuck

then literally later the advisor tells me what the budget is and I’m sitting there like WHAT BUDGET THAT IS YOUR JOB then tells me it was my job which it is NOT since I never kept a budget that is the advisor’s job. then starts to rush our meeting which I’m like FUCK just say just tell me what you guys want to do and I will make sure it happens. and I leave, while also trying not to have an attack

but then

I see the VP

now this is complicated

because now I am in the position of do i tell them these things

cause i am so done at this point I’m about have a meltdown

but no I walk past because I don’t want to start anything

because I rather destroy myself then to get into something

because this is not first time

because this always happens.

THIS. ALWAYS….HAPPENS

…

I just *sight*

blog over

I’m done .-.

[dilutedreality]

Today was different

today i didn’t wake up with depression

i woke up with anxiety

when my body went into panic mode

my typical anxiety mannerism

got doubled

talking to myself more

having more conversations in my mind than “normal”

i couldn’t speak without feeling like I’m going to fuck up

then came the depression

the fatigue

the feeling of worthlessness

the pain

the binging episodes

the random passing out because of exhaustion from having to fight so long.

I mean i literally came back to my room and nearly broke down. which hasn’t happened to me like that since freshman year

i literally have no clue why this is happening

usually i do but  this time I don’t

I thought it was because i felt super lonely and saudade

but now i don’t even know anymore

the feelings are still there but

idk

today was different

different in the most horrible kind of way…

[dilutedreality]

i cant go to therapy anymore

therapy got me in this place in the first place

therapy made my life he ||

therapy made me lose trust in people even more

therapy made me have more trust issues

made me paranoid

made me do things rational me would never do

therapy just made me feel worse

therapy just fed me ideas on how to hate myself more

how i shouldn’t trust him

how it should have been group therapy (fun fact… i can’t remember if i told you or not but my therapist actually wanted you to come to a session with me for some reason i can’t remember right now but i turned that down quick for both of our sakes)

because i rather do something else

than talk to a therapist

its been 2 years since I quit therapy

only to keep my sanity that is left

i thought it would help…

little did I know it would be a mistake..

hence why i still write

even if it doesn’t do much…its better than therapy

ps anxiety chart

typically I’m in a state of 3-5

6 depression spell

7 minor anxiety attack

8 major

9.. Mental breakdown

[dilutedreality]

speaking to myself

pacing back and forth in my room

living in a diluted reality

having conversations that will never happen

wishing that we would talk more

even though i know that is never going to happen

giving myself more and more internal scars

damaging myself more and more

cons of having literally nobody to talk to

I might as well be silent

most of the blog posts comes this

most of the lines comes from this

but all get lost

cause nobody really knows

what is really going on in my mind

not even me.

[dilutedreality]

fridays

nights

weekends

3 times I am at the worst

where feel all the pain

because i hide in my room

no longer having to pretend that everything is ok

having little to no social interaction

nothing to distract myself

just laying I’m bed staring at ,my ceiling

pondering

crying

feeling weak

staring myself in mirror

seeing the boy who mind controls him

the empty shell of the man with hopes and dreams that are at risk

or falling apart

fridays

nights

and weekends

but then again i given up at this point

(2 anxiety attacks)

[dilutedreality]

2 blog ideas

that are literally the same so

2 stories I wanted to write

each somehow explain parts of my life

because thats where I got the idea

<<Rewind

Apparently I’m psychic

because in this story

the main character tries

to redo his mistakes

something  i wish i could do…

minus the whole

suicide

and finding your dead best friend

in limbo

type of ordeal.

Internet Kids

My escape for the disaster of my life

was the internet

referring back to my time with my

internet addiction to a certain game

where I always have someone to talk to

where I never have to think about my commitments

not feeling alone…

nobody knowing my true reality…

times have changed…but the feelings are the same…

of course i can’t really talk about it because

i can’t

not without feeling the pain

that i never want to feel again…

[dilutedreality]

a common question throughout the break people kept asking is..

What are you doing after you graduate…

like i said the same thing over

and over again

probably graduate school

like how am I supposed to know

when I barely know what I want to do for dinner that night

and thats even if I get into graduate school

cause maybe this is fate telling me to keep wishing and maybe it will come true

but then again I already got denied from half of the schools applied to

and the anxiety and depression from the past is coming back to haunt me

just as fast as my future is fading….

[dilutedreality]

I tried writing this for so long

but I don’t want to trigger an attack hence why I put off this post

I tried doing a video version but got too anxious and force quit Photobooth.  

this maybe just another nocturnal diluted reality but it is something that has been spinning around in my mind for quite some time.

When our friendship has gotten to the point where anything can trigger me and I don’t know what will and what won’t

i can’t go a day without fear

i can’t go a day without thinking I am toxic to him

because i am the negativity in his life

I am the one who caused him pain TWICE that my mind won’t let me forget as it replays on

and on

reminding me of the time where I think i made him broke down crying bc i was lost cause

bc he said it hurts him that i am like this

bc he spoke behind my back

about a stupid joke I made

that led to the event of the 2nd pain in the 1st place

maybe we are too toxic for each other

because of the constant reminders

cause I totally dont have sticky notes of messages he said to me

words of encouragement just trigger it more

because of the bracelet that has started to lose its meaning

cause i feel its now a reminder of the cursed

not of we are closer than we think

because i am tired of the thoughts

i am tired of the dreams

I want to run but i can’t

i want to stay but i can’t

i just don’t know what to do anymore

cause i don’t want the pain

but also i don’t want to leave the only person who believes me

the only person at this school who cares

the only person i can say is actually my friend

i know he would support me no matter what i choose

but then again does he actually show it

cause it only happens in my dreams

where we lie on the grass staring at the clouds

talking all day long

or any of the other false scenarios 

but i know it is not him

cause it is what my mind wants him to be

what he can’t possibly be in the real life

because we hardly ever have conversations in life

cause i wanted to talk to him about this in real life but then

again time is not on our side...like always 

there is too many scenarios to deal with

i am toxic to him and myself

i don’t know what to do

but to stare at the ceiling trying not to cry

wondering

WTAF!

[dilutedreality]

So i remembered that in high school I had these assignments in my english class to do presentations on my future and see where naive mat thought he was going to be at

First assignment was to present a mission statement on what we wanted to do after high school and our goals

Basically it was teaching us SMART goals without even saying SMART goals

so I wrote in my 5 year plan I was going to be in pursuit in PhD in Biomedical Engineering…

Ok past mat here is the thing, yes you want to pursue a PhD but you lose your excitement for engineering your first year, so you switch to neuroscience..

You wrote that 3 things you wanted no matter the sacrifice is to become a polyglot… yeah you lose that desire too

You said a positive attitude was one of your strengths… thats a lie and you lose that

you ended with this quote, try your best, give everything you got and prove those who doubted you wrong!

Your best won’t be good enough, your everything you got will drive you insane, and those who doubted you…will be yourself

Now onto my senior presentation

which was basically repeated everything in the last presentation so… yeah

That Brain Disorder you wanted to research… well yeah you do that a lot sooner and you change it to criminals brain and behavior

you wrote that a major obstacle would be not being about to defend your thesis or dissertation would be rejected… well for that to actually happen you actually need to get into graduate school which at the moment is not happening .-.

so basically in short my high school self came with all these goals and expectations

that basically changed throughout college and has honestly change be for the good… but mostly losing myself and the bad…