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overnowsfcb · 1 year ago

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halfway out the door; fermín lópez

summary: fighting to keep a little flame alive underwater, you couldn't lose the only stable thing in your life

warnings: ANGST!!! (no good ending) mature language, mental health issues (panic attack, anxiety, emotional distress), relationship struggles, unhealthy dinamics, brief mention of smut themes. if any of these topics makes you uncomfortable, i advise against reading this story.

word count: 3,3k

note: hiii! it's me again, this time posting for my sweet boy (who is not as sweet in this story) fermín. im planning to do something with all the 1989 vault tracks x barça players. so take it as the first from the series!! also, apologies if the angst hits hard, promise to post fluff next time (its a bit of challenge for me haha) super excited about this and would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions! – venus 🫂💐🫧 p.s.: im so proud of this one tbh

He didn’t seem to have enough time for you anymore. You didn’t want to see the subtle twist, but you knew him all too well and an imperceptible change for everyone was an imposing earthquake in your world.

It was in the hours that your messages would be waiting for a response and the way he wasn’t starved to taste your lips anymore. Once, he’d find an excuse to be with you, even if only for brief minutes. He’d dash to your apartment bearing your favorite chocolate with the pretext of keeping you fed. A smile brightening and your stomach still produced the same fluttering butterflies, as the first time he kissed you underneath the moonlight at fourteen.

Back then, everything was perfect, the chill air in your faces as you ran with sand getting between your toes, you could still feel his timid hands and tender touch on your waist as you both shared a breathtaking kiss.

Your mother's words echoed - relationships don't last forever. You'd always dismissed her musings, attributing them to the bitterness stemming from your father's departure. But now, that thought held a glimmer of truth.

He was your soulmate, your solid backbone, he would hold the candles for you even if his arm grew weary, drawing strength from unimaginable places. Unseen pictures would fill his phone, capturing your candid moments, proudly setting you as his lock screen. One cherished memory stood out: a photo of you, pajama-clad, returning from a late-night ice cream run, a victorious smile on your face. You had lost a bet that day, darting to the store at 1 AM, just a street away from your building.

However, now everything appeared to be falling apart; the last picture in his gallery folder, titled 'I love, mine, mine, mine,' dated back to July, and it was already November. It contrasted the warmth of July with the chilling absence of recent affection.

Yearning for something to blame, tears seemed futile as memories replayed relentlessly, etched deep within your heart. Each sob felt like a painful reminder of the emptiness in the cold, desolate bed without him by your side. Staring at it blankly, your mind echoed the silent void, your chest tightening with every expelled breath.

Sleeping alone always felt unbearable. You reached for your phone, gazing at the lock screen displaying a snapshot of both of you in a summer pool. His outings with friends never bothered you; you accepted that he was now part of Barcelona's first team, and you weren't his priority. However, deep down, a simple goodnight message like "Sweet dreams, Pip, I love you" was all you silently longed for. Was it too much to ask from someone who claimed to love you?

The absence weighed heavily as you saw the clock strike 4 AM. This hour always induced a sense of dread, a time too late to sleep, opening the gates to wandering thoughts about life's choices. Moving to Barcelona for him might have been a hasty decision.

In Sevilla, there wasn't much to lose. Your little town overwhelmed you, especially under the weight of your living nightmare, your mother and her pursuit of perfection. That was until she married your toddler brother’s father, her focus shifted almost forgetting about your existence.

He was your escape from that suffocating environment. Initially, it felt liberating, but gradually, it became confining again. The cage expanded as you became his pillar while his name was in everyone’s mouth, especially girls who found him attractive. The weight of being his support, witnessing the attention he received, caused an internal storm. But he wouldn’t change you, right? Yet, the conflict brewed within, the tug-of-war between being the support he needed and holding onto your own identity.

You grew tired of waiting for him, tossing and turning in bed for ten minutes, before finally succumbing to sleep, cocooned in blankets to ward off the cold.

Abruptly opening your eyes, hours later, your body spasmed and your heart raced, reflecting the recent struggles with sleep these days. Observing to your side, relief washed over you; he lay there peacefully, an arm draped over your waist.

Tears welled in your eyes, a sense of loss filling your chest. Deeply in love, you realized your first waking thought was about him, albeit taking a negative turn.

What if I lose him? What if I lost the lighthouse in the middle of the sea? The uncertainty of the waters and the potential fall weighed heavily.

You wanted to get back to those times when you smiled as you landed your eyes, his body next to you, where blonde strands of messy hair framed his face and you delicately organized them while you talked and kissed every morning, staying in bed like an old married couple, feeling each other's warmth, laughter used to fill the air as he playfully booped your nose.

The weight of invisible hands squeezed your chest, making each breath a desperate gasp for air.

You didn't want to feel this anxiety; your breath became erratic. Rushing to the terrace, you breathed as if your mind forewarned a trailer of what has to be.

Struggling to regain control, your hands tightened on the cold railing, a reminder of the grounding reality you struggled to grasp.

Peering down, the height induced paralysis, intensifying your vertigo. "y/n, estás bien?" (are you okay?) His concerned voice, muffled and distant, struggled to penetrate the thick fog of panic, fear rooted you in place, afraid the floor would fall through if you made a step.

"Amor, háblame." (darling, talk to me) He approached, unsure. This panic attack was the first in years. His hand on your shoulder offered reassurance like an anchor, and you emerged from the state, meeting his gaze with your tear-stained eyes; he was still your gentleman. He was still yours.

And you needed to repeat it to stave off madness.

"Abrázame," (hug me) you whispered in a fragile plea. His arms enveloped you, he was the refuge that you needed; his familiar scent eased your breathing.

His head on yours, he sought to share his heartbeat, attempting to quell the sudden anxiety and the questions that haunted your mind. His furrowed brows hinted at his confusion, but conversation could wait. For now, it was about you. The one who never failed him; he couldn't fail you now.

When your body distended completely, he gently guided you back to bed. You clung to him, as if he could run away at any moment.

You walked to your side of the bed and he tucked you in like no one ever did before, leaving a sweet kiss on your forehead, an attempt to dissipate the negativity.

“What time is it?” you inquired, looking up at him.

“Six a.m., sleep. ok?” He stroked your head, and your eyes closed under the weight of fatigue. “I love you so much.”

Days passed after the incident. He chose not to ask more about the reason behind your anxiety, he decided to act as if everything was fine.

This didn't imply he lacked concern for you, but it certainly felt that way. His demeanor towards you was still unchanged.

Feelings unaddressed hung in the air, manifesting in the cold kisses and the superficial small talk that never deepened. But, in front of everyone, you maintained the façade, accepting compliments from everyone about your seemingly perfect relationship. Only if they knew the underlying truth…

Yet, you personally sensed his gradual withdrawal, a palpable feeling of him slipping through your fingers. The strain became evident as you found yourself having to repeat things that were important to you at least three times, only for him to continually forget. Or the lackluster pecks he gave you, making you feel pathetic.

Although feeling unwanted, you weren't a resentful person, so you would religiously sit in the stands at every game and witness how he gained fan's hearts with outstanding performances on the pitch, earning the title of man of one of the champions league matches and you loved how the stadium echoed his name as he made an incredible goal.

You found joy in his happiness, doing his thing with the team of his dreams. In that moment, your mind transported into a different time – those moments when you stood by his side, offering comfort during his moments of self-doubt, back when he believed his dreams would forever be just that – dreams.

His satisfaction meant the world to you. Meeting him as he emerged from the dressing room, already showered, you couldn't help but admire how his wet hair framed his face.

A big smile adorned his face as he approached you. Opening your arms, your bodies collided as he effortlessly lifted you spinning around, creating a whirlwind of laughter that filled the air.

Once he gently set you down, you couldn't contain your pride. Cupping his cheeks, you locked eyes with him. The sense of accomplishment and joy was overwhelming. Your lips met his in a deep, meaningful kiss – one that hadn't been shared in weeks, but in that moment, it felt like the perfect reunion.

You believed this moment marked a fresh start, a much-needed rejuvenation to propel you forward. That optimistic outlook, however, disintegrated after he bid you farewell at your apartment, scrolling through TikTok on your couch, a video of his post-match interview caught your eye, and an involuntary smile crept onto your face.

His voice echoed through the video, captivating in its beauty. The interviewer's final question lingered in the air, "Who are you going to celebrate this with?" Anticipating a mention of teammates, family, and you, you were bewildered as the final words left his mouth – your name conspicuously absent.

And in that instant, the realization struck: he hadn't kept his promise to do a heart gesture to include you in his celebration either. But you decided to let it slide; perhaps it was the adrenaline coursing through his veins that caused him to forget, and you were willing to overlook it.

You turned on the TV to avoid your thoughts. He no longer watched movies with you, and lately, the time you spent together felt like his phone held more allure than anything you did to catch his attention.

Without even mentioning that he wasn't fucking you lately, offering excuses of exhaustion from training or unexpectedly halting any progress when things got heated and leaving your folds wet.

But still, your mouth stayed shut, justifying every action. What you didn't know is that only one drop was missing in the glass before it overflowed – the last straw.

And eventually, the bomb exploded in the least suitable scenario. You stood by his side, his arm around your waist, desperately wanting to take his hand out and shout your feelings in front of everyone.

You didn't want to be there; you longed to be at home with your fluffy cat, who offered more comfort than Fermín did in these past months.

He was so smooth about it, engrossed in the conversation with his friends, seemingly oblivious to your distress. You whispered in his ear that you needed to get home, you weren’t feeling at your best, the strobe lights blinding you, the music pulsating louder than your heartbeat. It felt like water was reaching your nose, and you feared you'd stop breathing any moment.

Yet, you stayed, like a naive girl striving to make everything perfect for her lovely gentleman. But was still that gentleman who put you above all else?

The voices and laughter from his friends overwhelmed you. While you genuinely liked them and had never encountered an issue before, this night seemed a challenge you couldn't survive.

Your gaze darted around, hoping for a savior amid the sea of faces. But there was no one.

The air seemed to get thinner, and your chest constricted, as if locked in a slowly tight embrace. The blue dress discomforting your skin, felt like an additional layer of confinement, fantasizing to shed not only the fabric but also the skin beneath.

It was as if transparent walls were materializing around you, and this was the moment to escape a place to which you didn't belong, feeling like a misplaced puzzle piece, you watched him again with pleading eyes, silently urging him to notice you.

“Fer, really, I need to go home.” You whispered, careful not to let his friends overhear. He scanned your gestures, it took him a few seconds to realize that something about you was off. You wish he had seen it earlier.

Everything he did was later than you needed it, when he did the things, you have already fixed yourself into the uncomfortable.

“Okay, let's go.” He nodded and he finally took out his hand off your waist, allowing a momentary exhale. Greetings were exchanged with his friends and you reciprocated, not wanting to show an impolite image.

Almost running, your feet propelled you outside of the disco, pushing people out of your way, without waiting for Fermín.

The doors swung shut behind you, plunging the abrupt silence upon your ears. Relief washed over you.

Closing your eyes, you took deep breaths. You needed to hold yourself like the grown woman you were and not cry. As the doors swung open and closed again, you turned to find Fermín, a frown etched across his face.

“Why didn't you wait for me?” his voice held a trace of anger, making you shiver. Realizing the street wasn't the place for such a conversation, you began walking towards the car, your feet aching from the high heels worn that night.

He hurried to catch up, the tension palpable. When the car alarm reached your ears, signaling it was unlocked, you opened the door and entered as quickly as you could.

Sitting there, attempting to adjust to sudden silence, you sensed his presence beside you.

Leaning back into the headrest, you brought your hands on your face.

He started talking again. “What's going on you?” you hesitated to face him, reluctant to confront those expressive brown eyes you memorized like the back of your hand.

As he insisted again to hear a response, anger got to your head. Without warning, you exploded, all the carefully restrained words meant to preserve your relationship pouring into a torrent.

“I'm just so damn exhausted! I feel like I'm invisible. I ache to be seen, to matter in your eyes again. I’ve been here, baring my soul, and it feels like you're a million miles away.” Your scream echoed, tears smudging your makeup. You saw the weight of his actions settling on him as his eyes reflected comprehension. A sob escaped your lips, he stood frozen. “I'm just asking you to hear me, to truly see me, and realize that I'm shattering inside because I've already fought too much alone for the person who I thought I would marry.”

He shook his head, a boy who had always the right words now seemed that they left their mind, leaving him defenseless. A hesitant pause filled the car.

Lips parted, but the sentences seemed to dissipate before finding form. It was as if they were navigating a maze of thoughts, searching for the right words to offer comfort or understanding, yet coming up empty-handed.

You got tired of waiting, you've been doing it for such a long time, you almost felt old. But if he just opened his mouth, you knew you would forgive him. “Let's go home.” You whispered, disappointed about a man who you were calling the love of your life.

He gripped the steering wheel and hit the road. Memories flooded back of the anecdotes shared in that white car, now slipping through your fingers like ash.

You pondered the absence of rain, almost expecting the heavens to open up. Wasn't it obligatory for the sky to weep when something magical began succumbing to rationalism?

When you arrived at the house, he finally was able to speak. “I'm so sorry for everything that I caused you.” He didn't know if physical contact would be well received from you. So he gripped even more the steering wheel, needing to make something with his hands, getting out the tension.

“What happened to us, Fer?” your heart-wrenching question hitting him. You were already talking in past tense.

There wasn't an exit for this situation, and he knew that. He wished he could build a time travel machine and make everything alright, fix the first mistake that led to this big snow ball that was making an avalanche. “I-I don't know.”

“I think I'm coming back to Sevilla.” you confessed, stepping out of the car. Your headache due to the tears that you've been letting out and your eyes were puffy.

As you stood outside the car, the quiet suburban street provided a bleak contrast to the storm raging within your emotions.

Fermín, still gripping the steering wheel, searched for words that could somehow mend the gashes that had formed between you two. The realization of the inevitable distance settled on him like a heavy cloak.

“I never meant for it to come to this,” he finally uttered, voice heavy with remorse. “I let things slip away, and I can't forgive myself for that.”

You, caught between the pain and the need for resolution, gazed at him with a mixture of sorrow and longing. The familiar surroundings of the neighborhood seemed to transform into a backdrop for the end of something significant. You already knew you were never coming back here.

In the distance, a streetlamp flickered, casting intermittent shadows on the pavement. You took a deep breath, the chill in the air stinging your lungs, and said, “Sometimes, we have to go back to move forward.”

His eyes, filled with regret, met yours. “Is there anything I can do to make things right?”

But the answer remained unsaid, it wouldn't be fair to give him instructions and keep rowing and carrying him while he was just there. Wounds were already too deep and your energy was drained.

You turned away, the distance between Sevilla and this quiet street growing smaller in comparison to the emotional gap that now separated you two.

The door creaked shut, marking the end of a chapter that perhaps, in the unfathomable depths of your heart you didn't want to admit that you anticipated it.

In the solitude of your apartment, surrounded by echoes of shared laughter and the ghost of a love that once flourished, you confronted the daunting task of rebuilding your world. The faint glow from the streetlamp outside cast a melancholic light on the remnants of what was.

Fermín, still parked, felt the shared years withering in the blink of an eye, something you had been discerning for a torturing amount of time. The engine hummed softly, an averse companion to the lingering regret in the air. As he drove away, the distance between your hearts seemed insurmountable.

You watched as Blaugrana, your Calico fluffy cat, approached you unawarely of everything surrounding her, you sat on the wooden floor with her purring next to you. The sparkle of her collar made you remember how your life was bound to be lived with Fermín forever, in that collar your initials were carved. You didn't want to fall back to this cruel reality.

You even commanded yourself to religion to save your relationship, months before. Night after night, you poured the essence of your yearning into prayers addressed to Aphrodite, beseeching her to weave the threads of love and passion back into your relationship, to restore its former glory. Each whispered plea carried the weight of your sincere desire, a desperate hope that the goddess of love might heed your call and guide your connection to the blissful days of yore.

But even that didn't work. And you realized the hug of what you thought would be a fresh start unraveled into the deceptive clarity of terminal lucidity. Now you would hear the eternal melancholic tone of the complete loss of vital signs. Forever.

#fermin lopez x reader #fermin lopez #fermin lopez angst #football angst #football x reader #gavi x reader #pedri x reader #fermin lopez imagine #fermin lopez x you #football imagine

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mommyownsmee · 4 months ago

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Hiii im so sorry for texting back after such a long time. Honestly I couldn’t even understand that you replied.

First thing first; thank you so much for validating my feelings and calming down my nerves. I was really really nervous because I didn’t want to come off as weird. But at the end of the day I always speak even when my voice shakes, sitting in the corner won’t solve anything.

I can’t express how thankful I am for your emotional support in even me sharing something like that and even in the rest.

The strange thing is that I always knew what I want. From big things. Yeah I might don’t know if I want strawberry or vanilla ice cream, but I always knew big things. I have a stable job that I love that even keeps me studying, I have a cat, I know what hairstyle I want, I know what I want from my future, I go to therapy, I exercise and take care of myself and my health. Mentally and physically. I’m doing better. Im not shy as I used to be since I found out I’m autistic. I used to be afraid of social interaction and had social anxiety and now social anxiety is afraid of me.

And I know what I want, like, need, etc etc.

But the question of relationship and myself around sexual interaction or even romantic interaction is still a big question for me. I know I’m lesbian, I just don’t have experience and there been some weird things going on that I don’t want to dive into at this moment.

So I obviously knew I wanted to take my time with this too. I knew I’m sub, or at least also sub leaning. I knew I like rules, my autism absolutely loves rules and schedules. You won’t find any better goody two shoes than me… the fact that I flip off others doesn’t count, it’s my job anyway.

But then I stumbled across your tumblr and I couldn’t stop thinking about it since. And it’s not like obsessing and imagining you in scenarios that never happened. It’s more like “They’re one message away.” “if you’ll never ask, you’ll never know.” it’s like this tempting feeling, deep in my mind even when I don’t see your account.

But the problem is that I promised myself that I won’t talk to anyone or purchase anything until I have an answers for my sexual and romance questions. I don’t want someone to be my hocus pocus, that’s fucking rude. And I don’t want to be someone’s hocu pocus either. And I just feel like I’m not healed enough to be there fully as a support for the partner nor be what is needed from the relationship. Which I do find very rude to even text you this as I’m going against my morals.

But oh god, oh my fucking god. The temptation. The question around you. The way you’re so nice to others. If I won’t ever be able to get closer, please remember that in my eyes you’re so kind and loving and caring and please stay like this.

Also I might be Sagittarius but the rest of my chart is more water and earth and I bet it’s also the autism doing its thing!

Tbh I don’t know if there’s any community or forum that would understand how I feel or they were in a similar position as me.

And thank you so much :( I’m still working on myself and I will prefer to let things unfold naturally. I was just full of those feelings and I needed to share them.

Hello sweetheart! 𝒙𝒙

Wow, where do I even begin? First of all, thank you so much for reaching out again and sharing all of this with me. I can only imagine how much courage it took for you (again) to put all of these emotions into words, especially when it comes to something as vulnerable as this. I just want you to know that I completely understand, and there’s absolutely no need to apologize for taking your time. It’s okay, truly. Sometimes our brains are just like that—mine definitely is too, with all its quirks and tangents—and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Your message really touched me again. I can hear your strength and clarity in knowing who you are and what you want, even amidst the confusion and uncertainty about relationships and romance. It’s so beautiful how you’ve embraced your autism and found ways to thrive, to flip the script on social anxiety and really own your space in the world. Honestly, I find that so inspiring.

I love that ‚you speak your truth, even when your voice shakes‘. That is such a powerful statement, and it speaks volumes about the incredible person you are. I’m so glad you’re leaning into that strength, navigating your life with such intention and self-awareness. You’re right—sitting in the corner won’t solve anything, and here you are, boldly stepping forward, even when it’s scary. That’s something to be incredibly proud of.

And can I just say how much I appreciate the way you describe your approach to relationships and intimacy? It’s refreshing to hear someone being so thoughtful and considerate about it. It’s not easy to hold back when there’s so much temptation, especially when you’re feeling drawn to someone. I completely understand that magnetic pull, that whisper in your mind saying, “What if…?” It’s like this beautiful curiosity mixed with cautious hope, and I get it. I really do.

You deserve to have those answers for yourself, to understand your own needs and boundaries before you dive into anything new. It’s not rude at all—it’s actually incredibly responsible and kind, both to yourself and to anyone you might connect with. It shows a lot of self-respect and care for others. I think it’s amazing that you’re taking this time for yourself, to work through your feelings and figure out what you need. That’s so important, and I’m glad you’re giving yourself that grace.

And honestly, the fact that you’re so drawn to my Tumblr, to me, that you see me as kind and loving and caring—it means the world to me. Thank you for saying that. Sometimes, we all need a reminder of the good we’re putting out into the world, and your words really touched me deeply. I’m flattered, truly. And hey, being a Sagittarius with all that water and earth in your chart? I bet that’s a beautiful mix, just like you—a balance of fire and sensitivity, groundedness and flow. It makes perfect sense that you’re navigating this journey with such depth and reflection.

As for finding a community that gets it, I really think Reddit could be a great place for you. There are so many subreddits where people talk about these very experiences—navigating sexuality, understanding relationships, and just being open about what it means to be autistic and queer in this world. You’re not alone, and there are so many people out there who would resonate with your story, who would feel seen and validated by your words.

I hope you keep being gentle with yourself as you continue this journey. Let things unfold naturally, just like you said. And remember, it’s okay to have questions, to not have all the answers right now. You’re doing the right thing by honoring your process, and I’m here for you, cheering you on, every step of the way.

Sending you so much love and understanding. If you ever want to talk more, or just need a listening ear, I’m here.

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lamplightideas · 5 months ago

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I'm so mentally stable i promise

IM TOTALLY NOT GOING TO SCRESAM AJKHKJSDHHFGJH I listened to the new minecraft disc, Creator. I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF GRIAN OF COURSE. WATCHER STUFF, THE WORKS. I was talking to my partner and I was like

"It just makes me like 'One last waltz, my friend." and they had the AUDASITY TO SAY

"A waltz before a fight to the death."

ASHJHJ IM NOT OK IM NOT OK IM NOT OK IM NOT OK I I I GUYS IS THE DESERT LONELY WHERE HAVE THE FLOWERS GONE WHY HAS IT WILTED HAS IT GOT NO ONE TO CARE FOR THEM DO THEY WISH FOR A DAY THEY COULD RETURN LIKE THE EYES THAT WATCH THEM

I'M NEVER LEAVING THIS DESERT

#desert duo #random words #GOD IM NOT OKKKKKKKKKKKK #SOBBING????#Grian #gtwscar #goodtimeswithscar

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rocketqueen1989x · 6 months ago

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Get to know me :

that’s me :)

Hi, my name is izzy

I’m 17 (18 in August 😋)

Im half English/Spanish

Im on wattpad (username is :axlrose17xoxo )

I love horror movies , slashers , music , rockstars ,history , reading and makeup

I’m not mentally stable 🫡

I have very dark humour 🥲🥲

ROCKSTARS>>>>>

GNR GIRLY 🌹

I LOVE MOTLEY CRUE 🔨

need new friends tbh

currently in love with Axl rose 🧎🏽‍♀️

I love dogs

I love love love Amy Winehouse , Lana del rey , Marilyn Monroe , Grace mckagan and pamlea Anderson <3

I have insta and snap so just comment if you want my users

loner 😙😙

I love heavy metal , hard rock , classic rock , nu metal , punk and indie

KORN , SLIPKNOT , SEX PISTOLS , QUEEN , FOO FIGHTERS , NIRVANA and loads more

BAND TEES

girl interrupted >>>>>

I hate bullies and ppl who make fun of ppl for literally no reason ( get a grip)

I will joke about my trauma 🎀

I love freddie Mercury sm

and last of all I’m just riddled with PTSD , AUTISM, ADHD AND A HINT OF POSSIBLY BIPOLAR 😯😯😯

I’m promise I’m super nice 😙😙

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klixxy · 1 year ago

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oh.

so, um, well, you know, i. started shrieking.

new klixxy rotmhs fic dropped i win

#my mom started yelling at me to shut up SKJHF #I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE HEHE #im so mentally stable guys #im so happy literally tysm you guys are such sweethearts <3 #rotmhs #fic #i promise i shall update 'and if i start to grieve' soon... i promise...

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jazzyblusnowflake · 8 months ago

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mini update yay-

so lets see, ill start off apologizing for being dead- exam season is around the corner and the only good thing about that will be that i will no longer have to teach or design papers- so i can probably draw a bit again, hopefully at least- so i WILL get back to the requests yall have sent me i promise uwu💕

tho bad news comes in the form of my school principles and viceprinciples bullying me because im a newbie, saying im not good at my job and putting their shortcomings as my fault because who wouldnt like to blame someone else for something they werent able to do- and i feel like the abuse im taking in this toxic environment is convincing me slowly to quit my job and start risking less stable jobs even if it means being my daddies little house girl again for a while. 🙄 at the very least even if im leaching off my parents i still actually HAVE somewhat decent parents and thats not something alot of people could say and im greatful for that.

the audacity was well shown when the principle went on the teachers meeting and was like "some of the teachers here who i will not name dont know how to do their job-" and then told me that i only got my job cuz my dad is rich [which yeah sure my daddy studied 4 years of uni and then credited me sure mmhmm makes sense.] and honestly i feel like im surrounded by 50 year old toddlers-

overall, learning to adult is difficult and im glad some people are helping me figure out how to put together a resume and apply for jobs and all that.... but i guess the next bad news comes in the form of us leaving for russia. i dont hate seeing other countries but having my life uprooted immediately after work ends and summer starts and selling off the car and putting stuff in boxes and yeeting ourselves via plane to live somewhere else for the next 4 years in pure isolation is not something my mental health is gonna be haha about. esp since im gonna have to talk to my therapist and doctor to give me enough meds for me to be able to search for another doctor while im there to give me similar treatment. ughhhhhhh.

overall i feel like i have reached a lovely level of ✨️no longer giving a shit about existance✨️ and thanks to some friends i was convinced juuuuust enough to reconsider ending myself :) in my defense, google was getting annoying for only bringing up hotlines =_=

my eyes cant see well anymore due to constant crying and emotional numbness has taken over me, so i apologize if i may seem out of it or a lil blunt at times when im talking lol i no longer have the energy to PRETEND and hold a mask to seem SOCIALLY appropriate and in this last month of school im gonna be making it everyone elses problem at school.

but other than that im looking forward for school ending so i could just sleep for a while without waking up BEFORE my alarms at 5am.

ok lets see what else uhh... my bday is on 19th and i pray to lord nobody makes a surprise party for me here, the anxiety of being in crowds is already kicking me in the ass im not ready to pretend to have a social battery ugh.

okay thats it mostly, i think.

i actually made this update MINI get it? :D

...ill show myself out...

#snow rambles

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heleeanthea · 1 year ago

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There is only one thing that I feel having watched last episode and it's disappointment. Not even sadness, not even anger, im just disappointed.

Izzy Hands deserved better.

We all, as the audience, deserved better.

You know, when the first season came out I was one of those people who really did not like Izzy at all. I almost couldn't believe that his fans even existed. Then, before second season I thought, well, Im sure that they will give him a redemption arc but Im going to hate him anyway as there is nothing that can redeem him in my eyes. I was so very sure of it.

Wrong, I was wrong. I admit it.

I loved his arc in second season, I loved every second of it. Truly. It has done what seemed utterly improbable to me - made me Izzy Hand's nr. 1 fan. It was just such a great piece of writing. From his initial first disobedience towards Blackbeard and then his finding himself and his worth outside of Blackbeard. His singing (he's great), doing drag (so beautiful), helping Stede, being a friend to him, helping Lucius, finding a family within the crew and finally, finally achieving what - as he said himself - piracy is about: belonging. He found his place, became the new unicorn. He begun to accept himself, to finally let go of all that bitterness that he had inside him in the first season. He allowed himself to be true to himself, to show his more vulnerable parts to the world. He was starting to feel better.

And then they killed him. And what makes it even worse, they did it in such a stupid, useless and anticlimactic way.

You see, Im generally against killing Izzy. I find it to be an utterly disappointing conclusion of his arc. The guy changed so much for the better during this season, becoming a better person as well as becoming more mentally stable and I believe that his arc deserved to have a much brighter and more optimistic conclusion. Where is a scene where he becomes a captain on The Revenge and finally is at peace? Free from Blackbeard, with his found family next to him?

Where is a promise to all lost, young, queer people that thing will get better even though now you may feel no hope?

We didn't get it. What we got was a rushed sequence that was directed more toward serving Ed's arc than Izzy's.

Why did he get shot? No reason, it was just random; it wasn't in a fight, it wasn't the unicorn protecting someone from his crew (which would make his death slightly less bad). The sole reason of him getting shot was to kill him off.

Was it needed for his arc? Well, it could have been done better and make more sense, yes. But wouldn't it make a more satisfying ending to give poor guy some happiness? When the whole season was focused on him earning it and allowing himself to feel it? It would turn out much better to acknowledge his growth and give him space to grow even more.

I don't even feel like Izzy's death was necessary for Ed's growth; not when both their arcs focused on finding themselves outside of constituting Blackbeard.

That's why I hate how Izzy's actual death moment is played out. The scene isn't about Izzy, it's about Ed. It's so focused on him that it almost hurts. Why is Ed the only one who's close to Izzy? Why is the crew so far away? Izzy loved them, they loved him, why don't they come closer and show it, he deserved it. And even Izzy's words, they are so focused on him telling Ed thing's that he needs to hear to grow further but... he doesn't need to hear it from him? It doesn't have to be Izzy who tells him that the crew loves him (which, arguably, is not really true as they are still wary of him after all that happened in the beggining of the season??), especially not when it's the last chance for Izzy to be told that he is loved, he is a part of the community, to be forgiven and apologised to.

And then they get over him so so fast? Just seconds after the funeral Stede is standing there and... trying to boast what great piece of pirat he is? Trying to make Zheng compliment him?

Also, why shoot him in his left side, missing all the important bits, and then have him die anyway?

#izzy hands #our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd s2 #omfd spoilers #omfd s2 spoilers #edward teach #con o'neill

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