#im so fucking homesick
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ive had a couple breakdowns over not moving, naturally, and was mostly fine with it the last couple days and got myself together until a few mins ago i saw the scene in oitnb where they're playing hey there delilah with poussey and the germans.. and now im totally breaking down again. Yes im living my au. But this isnt how it's supposed to happen
#im like. shaking.#i miss my friends#i cant even explain it but when im in europe everything is just.. right. everything feels right and okay#i miss utrecht the most#clearly im meant to be in new york for some fucking reason but god it fucking hurts#i wanna go home#i havent told many people bc i dont think itll pan out but i actually have one application im still waiting on the decision of#it's a fully funded opportunity#if i get it im leaving for helsinki#but im not getting my hopes up. the interview went splendid but i just. i cant have hope anymore. hope will destroy me.#im so fucking homesick#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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here's an update for all the "tOuRiSm iS fOr ThE pEoPlE" fucks. always remember that the second anyone steps foot on that land in the name of "tourism" or any other haole institution, that is colonizing&that person is a fucking explicit modern colonizer who made the conscious decision to be one and has spent a lot of fucking money on that trip to get their title. only that kine want more of their kin there-- don't pretend that shit is for anyone else.
drop dead of spontaneous combustion specifically, not even the sharks would want that pīlau fucking meat.
#video footage of haole families already in burnt wasteland is so fucking dystopic its almost funny#'funny' in the way of 'i might have rabies bc im foaming at the mouth lol'. bc fuck if i wouldnt literally#rip these ppl to fucking shreds. god bless whoever took the pics&vids bc i couldnt havd held my tongue.#you know we're all fucked when the governor is holding private back-chamber business-only meetings#to decide to open a fire wasteland two months after 1000+ ppl were killed&where ppl are still looking for remains to tourism#&it honestly seems so much less disgusting bc theres literally footage of haole families already disregarding any form of boundaries.#like this is what we've come to lmao.#i have so. much. violence. in me&no where to put it lmao. i want to go home. i miss home so bad. i am so fucking homesick.#i think the next person who responds to finding out im from hawaii w anecdotes of their trip there will probably get knocked out.#like i dont actually think i should be held responsible for that first hit. anything after is fair game tho i guess.#undescribed
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u know wot im gonna talk about attack the block. its a movie made cause the director was fed up of seeing 'hoodie horror' and charecters like Moses[played by John Boyega in his first acting credit], black kids who got involved in bad stuff/expelled from school beeing shorthand for 'pure evil'
he went around interviewing kids to get the language right and meet people like moses. heres the full quote: "We did find some who were quite similar to Moses, who’d been excluded from school or got involved with bad stuff. And they’re not monsters. They’re very empathic, and when you spend a bit of time with them they’re normal and sweet, enthusiastic and bright. But they’ve just been cornered a bit by life, and I think that often the way they’re portrayed doesn’t help with that. Culturally, it makes the problem worse, not better." from an artical in the list
its fun its heartbreking its political its alien designs are awsome and it shows people and community with love that are so often treated like shit when portrayed.
#the opening 5 min is a bit tough to get thru now im older like any other movie and it would be treated v differntly [they mug a white woman]#but the later “if we knew you were on our block we wouldnt have mugged you” is just amazing and makes me homesick#unfortunatly its not on any major straming sites#<- pirates everything anyway#“aw man shes a nurse they dont get paid nothing”<- so fucking true#always got the two pyromainiaks <- was one of em#damn the sheer love i have for this film is of the charts#attack the block
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Evilest mod I've seen is one that makes Danse a dog person and gets rid of his cat with a dog! If you are out there and reading this mod creator I am finding your location and bringing knives and hammers
#like of all things this feels more rude than him being exiled like why#im a dog person for stupid reasons like I feel like cats are too fragile feeling I know they aren't but like idk I can feel their bones and#it makes me scared for them and paranoud#but damn i need to mod that I get a quest to steal the cat for him so hes not so homesick fuck the prydwen crew#ass dicktoriam#fallout#fallout 4#fo4#paladin danse
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google will i ever stop wishing to escape to summer five years ago?
#heard a song that sounds like a beachside night drive and now im homesick w nostalgia#like god yes i want to go home. but not now. i know im not Old but i feel so grossly Past My Prime and i wish i didnt but yknow. i do lol#i think the thing for me is that yeah cool everyones always like no dude your twenties are nothing life gets so good after dw#but like. ok when. when. when. when.#ive been hearing that since i was in school. so fucking When. pray tell.#anyway i love music and im soooo excited to drive again and then go home again
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i live alone now.
it's nice. i don't have to wear pants. i can sit on my living room floor and eat dinner while I marathon parks and rec. i have total control over the kitchen. no one to share the refrigerator with. i can shower whenever, listen to music whenever, and sprawl out to my heart's content.
but god, does it hurt sometimes. to be sad and not have someone to vent to when I get back. to want a hug and never get it. to live in a new city and talk to old friends and hear about their plans to get together and to not be able to turn to anyone after the phone call, to say "it was nice to talk to them, but..." i miss company.
i live alone now and it's nice but also do i hate it.
#personal#im sad#and homesick#and i just#i talked to two close friends from my old city and it was so nice#but it also sucked to hear about them making plans on thursday because i miss being part of those plans#i miss just texting and being like im coming over#i miss running out to a last minute dinner with them#i miss having the in-person support system#i miss hugs#fuck do i miss hugs#sometimes its nice#and sometimes im so lonely i can feel the vomit crawling up my throat#idk why i wrote this#probably tbd
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I’ve started the Eragon reread, and friends,
it hurts.
#brom keeps giving him sad old man eyes#the dream. the dreammmmmm#eragon is trying so hard and life just Fucking Sucks all of a sudden#he wakes up and has to just cry under his blanket for a bit before doing the classic#Moody Teenager who’s Actually Just Depressed routine#god no wonder i latched onto him immediately on my first readthrough lmao#just the first few chapters are making me want to write and make art#these books! rewired! my! brain!#anyway. im fine thanks for asking#saph speaks#inheritance cycle#christopher paolini#eragon shadeslayer#saph rereads the inheritance cycle#nevermind i’m not done i have to add#EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND IS TRYING TO HELP#well not sloan he’s an ass#but horst!!! elain!!! katrina!!! gertrude!!!!#this is a tight-knit little mountain community and it showsssss#it’s so lovely and it makes me mildly homesick
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That moment when you have a dream about somebody and it feels so real that your brain legitimately has to take a moment to grieve its loss when you wake up and realize it isn't
#depression#technically it wasn't you in the dream#...it was jacob elordi from Euphoria (don't ask me why; i do not know)#(and even weirder; in the dream he was basically trying to circumspectly ask me and/or the friend(gf?) i was with to eat his 🍑 lmao)#(he tried to bribe/entice us by picking pears for us out of this massive tree - showing off lmao)#(mine was shaped like an upside down heart 🥲)#(so i told him like 'i don't even know how to do that. i have no experience. but like. maybe??)#('maybe? if im like 💯 sure you cleaned between the cheeks? idk it seems awfully intimate to ask of someone youre not like dating')#and then he came closer to me and let me hug him for a sec. just for a second. my arm around him & ear to his chest#and it felt so real!!!#until i woke up juuust enough to realize: jacob elordi was not real.#BUT that my brain had used the very real sense memory of hugging you to produce that dream sensation#and it made me so homesick#because your left ribs still feel like home to me#even five months later#what the fuck is wrong with me
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It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR
#I’ve lost so much#I’m running out of shit to lose#I miss my home#I miss my home so fucking much#I WANT TO GO HOME#LET ME#PLEASE#IM BEGGING#I MISS MY OLD HOME I MISS MY FIRST HOME#I MISS HOW HAPPY I WAS I MISS THE CULDESAC#I MISS THE WAY I WOULD TALK TO THE LAMP POST BECAUSE IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND#I miss my naivety#I miss my unawareness I miss my happiness#I miss the delusion my family was happy#I miss my home I miss my mom I miss everything that used to be#WHY DID I LOSE IT#WHY DID THEY RIP IT AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I REALIZED IT WAS MINE TO HOLD NEAR#WHY#WHY WHY WHY#shut up Niko#can you tell I’m homesick for a place that may not have even existed#I’ll elaborate later
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not to sound like a quitter, but.
#wat do u do wen ur in iceland with two of ur best friends#but u cant fucking sleep#and u dont have any of ur creature comforts and by gods are u a creature of comfort#and u have no money#and youve put very little effort towards this trip and even less money lmao#like wow i have ppl who will just. buy me plane tickets and tour tickets and food#which is lovely but ultimately soul crushing#bc im going to spend the next four years repaying that#bc i cant get it the fuck together with my spending habits#like ffs im almost 30 and i keep spending my money like a 10yo who found $5 in the street#and cash doesnt feel like a real option in iceland#and unfortunately i also screwed myself by not getting my new credit card#there is. a lot of negativity in my brain rn.#yeah its bc im tired as shit but with the insomnia#like i would pretend to sleep bc i know its better than doom scrolling but fuck#my brain refuses to be distracted from the self loathing rn#2hrs of lying there and i was like okay ill read fic for a bit so i stop. Thinking.#but then i close my eyes and my brain just fucking flushes itself again#anyway. screaming. hollering. homesick.#i only have unhealthy coping mechanisms at this point and unfortunately my fave one is illegal here sooooo.......#might try buying a pack of smokes tmrw lmao#provided i dont find anything sharp first heyyo
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home is whenever im with you!!!!
#ahhh im feeling so homesick :( cant wait until thanksgiving#my photography#sighh i know that living away from home is good for personal growth or whatever but why does it have to be so fucking painful
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no video game will ever feel as much like home as dao does. i saw an alistair clip and got mildly emotional over how much i miss him.
#im being a bit cringe on main but dao genuinely means so much to me#im glad i gave it another chance back in the day#i have got to return to the source material#it's unbelievable how strong my attachment to some of these characters are#dao. and dragon age in general. has its fair share of problems and then some and i have as much complaints as i do love#but no other media has managed to capture characters in the same way dao has.#shoutout to that one licenced therapist making dao videos bc the zevran one was so fucking good bc everything mentioned there#was something i have been thinking about but put more eloquently bc i have trouble expressing myself#i literally cried watching it bc i felt such joy to see someone else get his character#im being embarrassing like im giving myself 2nd hand embarrassement in a weird way but i cant stop rambling im in a weird mood#but yeah im also thinking about the friendship between morrigan and ati#they love each other so much#how am i feeling homesick for a 2009 video game#aahh idk but i havent finished my ati rerun yet and im in orzammar with her so i'll have fun when i return to her <33#leevi liveblogs
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how can I tell im home sick? had a fucking dream about making a turkey sandwich. there was like a nice charcuterie board and spreads and part of it was like think cuts of turkey from a roast as well as breads and my thought in the dream was "finally I can make a good turkey sandwich"
#today and yesterday were definitely homesick days#nothing is bad here just missing things at home#wanted to be at the lake today#yesterday looking at maps for things to talk about in class i saw a new restaurant i was jealous of#which was ironic cause it was an izakaya and it's like i have those here bitch whyyy#anyways#yea#missing home#also couldn't fucking get an appointment today for next month for a driving test#so im very likely fucked in the near future#i called 191 times and that was just me never mind the people helping me#so yeah 🙃#k life feels like it kinda sucks a bit now i guess with that#anyways i miss home and buy god im also prolly touched starved#cause i just want a fucking hug and to be held in someones arms#like the sex would be nice but what i wanted today was just to be held#k maybe im more blue than I thought I was
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After more than 24 hours of travelling, Ive arrived...
#now to pass out#ok but i cant actually because my room is. so fucking shit its actually uninhabitable#im hoping i can move soon but what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that#im so. fucking tired. and lost. and lonely and homesick god fuckinh damnit#getting harder and harder to stay fuckinh silly#i miss home. i miss jome so much
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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
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I dont get why in some kazumaji fics people make majima the jealous boyfriend when he seems quite eager (maybe not eager but willing) to matchmake his love interests with other people. Jealous boyfriends would be people like mine or yuya who is like a rabid animal when people look at daigo or kazuki respectively
#Yakuza loveblog#see if daigo went out with a girl mine would be like Shes not good enough for you sir plus i ran a background check on her and heres the#dirt i dug up. any would be an apropriate reason to break up with her#if kiryu was seeing a girl majima would be like OOHHHH GOOD CHOICE SHES REALLY HOT I BET YOU GUYS HAVE SEX EVERY NIGHT while kiryu is#literally in the middle of having sex with him. sorry i keep saying having sex its a very apt phrase to use when two people are fucking#i see a shiba inu wow this is just like yakuza#majima is not a jealous boyfriend because hes convinced that hes a troublesome person#he only trusts saejima to deal with that because they signed up for this troublesome life together and by god they will exit it together#ill fuck you until youre satisfied so you wont get homesick#majima likes kiryu a lot but not enough to impose that much on him in That Way its simply better if kiryu doesnt care about him#i like them a lot because its like both of them are kind of pining but also they think the other doesnt like them THAT much so im not going#to make things awkward by cementing their relationship. they dont want to be clingy because also thatll be embarrassing#like kiryu doesnt bother to ask because he knows(?) majima will laugh at him and call him childish like damn man up#majima knows(?) that kiryu simply isnt That into him but the poor sap might be too nice and shackle himself into an arrangement with him#which is the last thing he wants. well not the being in a relationship part. the shackling kiryu part#he thinks kiryu is this beautiful wild horse that wants to roam the better world and kiryu thinks majima is this beautiful wild horse that#cant be satisfied with just him alone
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