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ace-in-a-shopping-cart · 4 years ago

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Dance With Me Under the Stars

@yeah-im-a-fae-deal-with-it, I hope you enjoy this! I had a lot of fun making it and I hope I did the wishes justice. Happy Holidays!! (Much of the imagery was based on the song Volcano by The Vamps.)

@sanderssidesgiftxchange

Word Count: 3993

It was mid semester and Virgil had arrived late to class for the first time in his three years of college. He hurried in quietly, taking his usual seat and pulling his books out. Almost shamefully, he grabbed his homework and walked between the desks to put it on the teacher’s.

He must have had the worst luck in the world as, just then, she turned around. “Ah, Mr. Storm. I was wondering when you’d show up.” Her tone was kind, no note of malice anywhere.

Virgil nodded. “I forgot to set my alarm.” His voice was quiet, barely reaching past the professor.

She nodded with a smile that seemed genuine. “Go back to your seat, please. Just as discussed yesterday, you’ll be debating Mr. Croft in a few minutes.”

Virgil trudged back to his seat, slipping past the others to sit in his usual corner. Feeling eyes on him, he looked up to find Logan Croft, a double major in zoology and astronomy who was taking this class for fun, staring at him with an unreadable expression. Virgil ignored him, turning back to his notebook and doodling in the margins as he waited for the professor to finish taking attendance.

He got through half the page before he was being called up to debate, as per usual. He and Croft were only put against each other as examples or if the lecture finished early. This was mainly due to them both being stubborn in their ways and being able to debate things for hours. Thus, they were both called into her office the day before to confirm the topic and style of the debate.

There they stood, on opposite sides of the same plain. It was a familiar position for the pair during their debates. While many would have seen a peaceful place within that plain, maybe even a spot to build something, the two students only saw a battlefield with the fight yet to be fought, yet to be won. Their words danced across the plain, leaving wounds that didn’t mean a thing outside of that moment. A struggle for dominance raged before, as it always did, they came to be equals that saw eye to eye.

Their debate lasted for the first half of class before they came to some sort of agreement on their topic and sat down to listen to the teacher give a lecture on what just happened. After class, Croft caught up with Virgil on his way out. “That was a good debate today, Storm.” He said. The battlefield was back to a plain, nothing special about it.

Virgil looked at him briefly before just shrugging and walking up the stairs. He didn’t bother to look back or wonder why the student who usually avoided him unless it was during these debates was talking to him. He just knew he needed to get to class.

A day later, he was running to dance class and missed a step. Crashing down the stairs, he landed at the bottom in a haze of pain. He tried to move but found that his vision was blurry and his ankle was broken. Someone nearby gave a shout and he heard footsteps on the stairs. A hand landed on his shoulder and he flinched, coming face to face with the person who lived across the hall from him.

“Virgil, what happened?” Emile said, eyes looking concerned.

The dancer didn’t even lie to the psychology major he knew only in passing. “I fell.” He shook his head, trying to get his vision to focus on something, anything. “My ankle hurts.”

Emile nodded and moved to look at it. Gently pressing, he inspected the joint. Virgil hissed when he pressed on it and Emile sat back. “Yep, that’s broken.” Sighing, he moved to help Virgil to his feet, throwing the dancer’s arm over his shoulders. “I’ve got time before my next class so I’ll take you to the nurse before I go tell you’re dance teacher you won’t be able to make it today.”

Virgil shook his head, hobbling along beside him. “No, I’ll tell her later.”

Emile frowned. “You know Professor Kim is not going to be happy about this development. She was counting on you being there through the whole semester.”

Virgil just laughed, shaking his head. “Since when do you talk with her?”

“Since I came to drop off your lunch that day and she was the only one there. We struck up a conversation about you.”

Virgil nodded. “Fair.”

Emile pushed the door open and sat Virgil in the nurse's office before leaving with a wave, tossing an, “I’ll be back in a bit,” over his shoulder. Virgil waited for the nurse to come and diagnose him, soon being rolled out on a gurney on his way to the hospital to get a cast on his broken ankle. He’d also been told that he had a concussion but that wasn’t the main concern.

A few days later, debate class was back in session and Virgil was there in a cast, crutches by his side. Croft came in and eyed the crutches before setting his bag by his usual chair. He didn’t sit down as Virgil thought he would, rather coming over to stand by Virgil’s seat. He nodded his chin at the cast. “What happened there?”

Virgil was taken aback by the care in his voice, a voice that had previously remained so neutral while talking to him that it was borderline monotone. He shrugged as he continued to grab his books out of his bag. “I fell.”

Croft raised his eyebrows, looking about as convinced as he would if Virgil had just told him the sky was magenta. “You fell? Why don’t I buy that, Storm?”

Virgil shook his head. “I don’t know why you wouldn’t believe the truth, Croft.”

He huffed, his eyes melting into the concern that was evident in his voice. Opening his mouth, he seemed to be about to say something but thought better of it, going to sit down instead just as the professor walked in. She paused by his desk. “Professor Kim told me about the ankle. You don’t have to debate for the rest of the semester if you don’t feel up to it.”

Virgil shook his head. “Standing won’t be a problem as long as I have the crutches.”

She nodded. “Still, I’d like to let you rest for a bit.”

Virgil shrugged. “I’m fully capable of standing and debating but I’ll follow your lead on this.” She gave a final nod and moved to stand at the front of the room to begin class.

Thus, six weeks went by. Virgil did essays on dance and movement instead of performing the dances. Professor Kim insisted on recording the lessons so he’l still be able to do them when he’s recovered, which he was immensely grateful for. Debate class went similarly in that he wasn’t called up as often to debate Croft anymore. Instead, he wrote most of his debates as argumentive papers.

That summer, Virgil stayed on campus. He wasn’t taking a summer course, he was simply trying to follow the videos Professor Kim left for him. He lived nearby anyways so it made sense to keep using the studio on campus. That’s how he ended up running into Croft again on the stairs.

“Oh,” the other student said, bag in hand as he was clearly trying to put his books back in it, “I didn’t expect you to be here.”

Virgil smiled, holding up the gym bag that had replaced his book bag. “The studio is allowing me to catch up on my dance lessons over the summer.” He paused. He and Croft had never been too cordial with each other, merely remaining civil. However, toward the end of the semester they'd come to some sort of academic truce. Now, they were just normal strangers, just two students. So, Virgil took a chance. “What about you? Why are you still here?”

Croft finally shoved the last book into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. “I’m having to retake a class due to low grades.” He shook his head. “I just can’t grasp the subject.”

“What is it?”

Croft sighed. “Psychology.”

Virgil nodded and, on a whim, gave an offer. “I passed Psych with flying colors if you want me to tutor you?”

That plain, that had once been a battlefield before lying dormant, became a meadow in that one moment. No longer a place for duels or violence, but peace and healing. Their once shaky truce seemed to settle, becoming something more permanent, as Croft smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

They walked side by side as they discussed times and tactics for studying. They concluded that their only overlapping free time was directly after Virgil was finished with dance practice as that was when Croft got out of his classes and clubs but before Virgil had to go to Professor Kim’s office for office hours.

So, the very next day saw Virgil walking out of the shower room, towel he’d been drying his hair with still in hand, to see Croft leaning against the wall in the hall. “I wasn’t expecting you for another fifteen minutes or so.” Virgil said as he approached.

Croft looked up from the book in his hand. He briefly glanced at the page number before snapping it shut and picking up his bag. “Apologies, I like to be early.”

Virgil just waved his hand as they fell in step beside each other. “It’s fine. Next time, you don’t have to wait in the hall if I’m not in the shower, you can just sit in the room. As long as you’re quiet, you’ll be fine.”

Croft nodded. “Noted, thank you.”

They made it to the library and sat down, both pulling out books. When Croft gave Virgil a puzzled look, he laughed a bit. “I’ve brought my notes and blank copies of homework to use as practice problems. First, I want to gauge just how bad off you are.” he set down the cumulative final review. “Fill this out to the best of your ability.” Croft set to work, a serious expression on his face. Virgil didn’t want to twiddle his thumbs while waiting so he pulled out his phone and opened it to a new note, beginning to plan out his evening.

Once that was done, he looked up to see Croft with his tongue sticking out slightly, hair in his eyes, and eyes focused on the page. Strangely, there was something beautiful about the concentrated look on his face. Maybe it was the way the sunlight dramatized it and cast his eyes into shadows, making Virgil want to stare until he could see where the iris ended and the pupil began; maybe it was the way his hair framed his face in a way that made Virgil want to pull out a sketchbook.

Feeling self conscious at that thought, he looked back down at his phone and ignored the other student until he heard a pencil connect with the table. “Alright, Storm, I’m done.”

Virgil nodded and slid the page over to himself, quickly checking it against the answer sheet he’d made up. He gave Croft a grade, circled it, and slid it back. A sharp intake of breath came back as Virgil pulled a clean piece of paper closer to himself and began to write down what needed to be worked on.

“Is it really that bad?” Croft’s voice came from Virgil’s side.

He paused in his writing to look up at his former academic rival. He shrugged. “It could be worse. You don’t seem to be too bad off right now and we’re gonna try to get you to where you need to be as soon as possible.”

Croft nodded and away they went. The next few weeks were spent in a new routine. Croft would wait in the hall if Virgil was in the shower but most times Virgil had lost track of time and gone over, resulting in Croft sitting in the corner reviewing definitions. A few times, one of his clubs wouldn’t meet and he’d get out earlier than normal. Those were the times that Croft would sit in and make sure Virgil wasn’t putting too much strain on his ankle and was properly hydrating. Those were the times they’d strike up a bit of witty banter that reminded them of their debates but on a personal level that the debate class was lacking.

One step at a time, they came closer on that meadow until they were standing side by side, leaning on the other. As they grew closer, the meadow rose as if two tectonic plates were pushing it toward the sky. Over the course of that one season, the meadow had become a mountain of a friendship. Their banter began to spread outside of just those rare moments, becoming a constant part of their meetings, tutor sessions, and walks.

It wasn’t long before the summer semester ended and they had a few weeks of vacation before the next semester. As the days shortened and the leaves turned colors, Virgil almost expected Croft to go on his way. After all, the agreement was done. Virgil had finished learning all the moves he’d needed and Croft had passed his classes with the usual flying colors.

Still, tutor sessions turned into chats over coffee, dancing changed to walks in the park, but their late night talks on the way back to their apartment building stayed the same. Virgil enjoyed that constant, knowing that no matter what else happened that day, he could walk back to the apartment building with Croft. It was one such walk that it struck him. In all their time together, he’d gotten closer to Croft and no longer saw him as the academic rival they’d been at the start of the year. Instead, he saw him as a friend, or even more than that.

Just when Virgil was satisfied and comfortable with the balance they’d created together, fate tossed a spark gently onto the mountain. In that instance, the mountain turned into a volcano. In that one instant of time, Virgil had fallen for Logan Croft and he knew with absolute certainty that he wouldn’t have it any other way. He had no idea how he’d tell him, or even if he would tell him. After all, volcanoes can stay dormant for years before going extinct or erupting. Virgil could just wait and hope it was the former or deal with the latter.

The next few weeks were much the same as that with the exception that Virgil was noticing every little thing that Logan did. He noticed the way he leaned toward Virgil as they talked, the way his focus was entirely on the dancer during conversations. Logan was always walking on Virgil’s left side, the ankle he’d broken mid spring semester that acted up occasionally but especially on stairs. He noticed Logan holding doors for him or smiling at him for no particular reason.

All of this gave Virgil a spark of hope in his chest that had him wondering if Logan liked him back. That spark was almost crushed one afternoon. They had just gotten their coffee and started their usual round about the park when Logan spoke. “I might not be able to do the full rotation today, Storm. I’ve got a date with Roman later.”

Virgil felt like his chest had just been stomped on. “. . . A date?” He didn’t know how he kept his voice steady when his heart was breaking, getting closer and closer to shattering the more he thought about those two words.

Logan tilted his head to the sides. “Maybe ‘date’ is the wrong word for it. It’s more like a meet-up.”

Virgil nodded, pretending he hadn’t been holding his breath through that whole exchange. “Okay, when do you have to leave?”

“About half an hour.” He turned and smiled. “Plenty of time.”

Virgil smiled and walked ahead, turning to face Logan as he walked backwards. Logan shook his head. “That’s not the safest way to travel, you know.”

Virgil just shrugged. “There’s worse ways to travel.” He also got to see the rare grin that spread across the zoology major’s face, not that he would tell said student that.

Their walk in the park ended with them standing at the entrance. “I’ll see you later, Storm.” Logan said by way of parting.

“Wait! Later as in tomorrow or later as in-”

He laughed, something that was even more rare than his grin but something Virgil longed to hear more often. “Later today.” Virgil nodded, walking back to his apartment alone.

On a whim, he grabbed his gym bag, stuffing his dance shoes in it, and went to the studio. He scrolled through his playlist as he entered before just hitting shuffle and letting the music play as he got ready. He waited for the next song and took a second to identify it before throwing his hoodie off and moving to the center of the room.

He went with the music, letting his body flow in whatever way it wanted. Incorporating all the moves he’d learned over the past few months into a cohesive whole that was both as graceful as saplings in the wind but as sharp as the flapping of cloth. He danced to forget his troubles and anxieties, letting them bleed into the movements. A faster song came on and he changed his movements to match, becoming sharper as he let himself get lost in the music, lost to the beat of his feet against the floor, the feeling of the air on his sweat, the feeling of dancing and being free and feeling on top of the world.

When the playlist ended and his muscles were screaming for him to rest, he collapsed onto the floor, panting for breath. When he felt like he could stand, he moved to check his phone clock and found that he’d spent the whole afternoon dancing. Quickly, he showered and made his way back to his apartment. He was still overheated after dancing for a few hours straight so he just had his hoodie slung over his arm, his gym bag over his other shoulder.

He got back to his apartment to see Logan with a fist raised to knock. Smiling, he moved around him and unlocked it. “Come on in.” He dropped his keys in the little bowl on the entrance way table. “I’ve just gotta put this stuff away but it won’t be long.”

Logan smiled, standing comfortably in the entryway. “Take your time, Storm, I’m not going anywhere.”

For a brief moment, Virgil wondered what his first name would sound like in Logan’s voice. He didn’t dwell on it, instead he nodded, ducking into his bedroom to store his bag where it belonged. Taking a second to put on some extra deodorant and move his hair around so it looked semi-styled instead of the mess it was before, he took a deep breath. The scare of losing him that afternoon had made Virgil realize that he needed to act fast before he lost Logan for real.

So, he kept the hoodie across his arm as he went back out and picked up the keys again. “Ready to go?”

Logan nodded. “Quite.”

Virgil held the door open for him, locking it on his way out. They started down the path in relative silence, the only noise being the crunching of gravel beneath their feet and the sounds of life coming from nearby buildings. Virgil was hesitant to break the silence despite the feelings and words bubbling below his surface. Logan also seemed comfortable in the lack of conversation. They made it to a bench that was out of the way and sat on it to stargaze for a bit.

Virgil tilted his head back, resting it on the back of the bench. His eyes scanned the sky, resting on different stars and connecting them into constellations. After another while of silence, Logan shivered beside Virgil and the dancer turned his head, looking at the astronomy major. “Are you cold?” His voice broke the silence like a sheet of ice falling from a slope.

Logan shrugged. “A bit. I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Virgil hummed and threw his hoodie over the other. “No use in you getting cold when this is right here.”

Logan didn’t react beyond tilting his head down just the slightest bit. He hummed, taking a breath before speaking. “Apologies again for having to end our afternoon walk early.”

Virgil waved his hand. “It’s fine. In fact, it actually gave me time to think.”

Logan looked over at him, eyes inquisitive behind his square black frames. “What about?”

Virgil took a deep steadying breath of the night air before he turned to face Logan just a bit more on the bench. “About you, actually. I realized something when you said you had a date with Roman.”

Logan nodded, his gaze sharpening as his attention seemed to hone in on Virgil. “Okay.”

Virgil fiddled with the rips in his jeans, suddenly anxious. “I realized that if I didn’t act now, someone else might be walking by your side in the park, laughing with a coffee in hand. Someone else might have the door you knock on late at night when you can’t sleep, be the person you debate with over the phone into the early hours of the morning.” He took another deep breath, not looking up at the wonderful human sitting in front of him, the one who deserved the world. “I realized that I love you and can’t stand the thought of another person getting to hold your hand and kiss you goodnight.” He turned his head so he was staring out into the night rather than at Logan. “There, I said it. I love you. I love you so much my chest aches.”

Logan hummed in a way that Virgil couldn’t interpret before there was the rustling of fabric and Logan was kneeling before Virgil, one hand hovering near the dancer’s cheek. “I’m glad you told me as it makes what I’m going to say much easier.” Virgil’s eyes widened slightly, fearing the next thing to come past Logan's lips.

“I love you too. Honestly, I think I’ve loved you since the start of the fall semester. The way you helped me study, putting things into ways I can understand and bending over backwards to do so. The care you take with everything you do, the grace in your every move, the fire and passion you put into your dancing, I love all of you.”

Virgil couldn’t believe what he was hearing but his nerves settled when Logan’s soft expression didn't change, didn’t turn to a sneer, he didn’t laugh or mock Virgil. Elated, he leaned forward but paused before he could connect their lips. Logan smiled at the quiet ask for consent and leaned in with him, closing the distance and bringing him into a kiss. His hovering hand settled on Virgil’s cheek as Virgil’s hand came up to cradle the back of Logan’s neck, neither wanting to let go.

When they pulled apart, they were both smiling. Logan pulled the hoodie tighter around his shoulders before standing, offering a hand to Virgil to stand as well. An idea came to him and Virgil put his hand in his pocket, pulling his phone out to play a few ballads. “Dance with me under the stars?”

Logan grinned, sliding his hands to be around Virgil’s neck. “I’d love nothing more.”

So, the two did just that, dancing the hour away under the midnight stars. In the arms of the one they loved, the same person who had been their greatest enemy at the start of the year, neither could ask for a better way to spend their time.

#college au #virgil sanders #logan sanders #analogical #roman sanders #ct emile #emile picani #angst with a happy ending #light angst #broken ankle #ace writes #I've had this ready to go for two months now and couldn't wait to post it

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cloudykaii · 5 years ago

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Care

pairing: bts x eighth member!reader [platonic]

summary: omg i just real some of your eight member scenarios and eveerything was so good!! i wasnt into eight member things before but now.. im super in! 😭 can you do a scenario about compilation of the members little caring act on stage, backstage, when theres camera or not, something like that to the eight members?? if you make it then i would be so delighted. than you !!

warnings: none, it’s just really fluff :( some of it might not make sense, but i really love this

A lot of things could be said about your brothers. Each and every one of them had their moments and mistakes, just like you did. Some people would call them rude, or selfish amongst other things, but the one thing they could never say, is that they didn’t care about you. ARMY pointed it out all the time; they even had compilations of moments the eight of you cared for each other, but your favorite were the ones titled things like: “six minutes of proof that bts’ world revolves around y/n.”

Jin jumped as your head fell against his bicep. You were at an afterparty for an awards show the eight of you had been asked to present at. The music wasn’t too loud- you used to joke that it was because everyone knew rich people liked to brag. You had no idea where the rest of your brothers were but you and Jin had been perched on the oddly comfortable sofa as he socialized. He could feel your hairpins digging into his shoulder.

“Y/N, are you okay?” You didn’t answer and he moved slightly so that he could reach across and tap your arm, but you moved with him. He felt your even breathing and sighed. You still had around two hours left before they could leave.

One of the girls he had been talking to chuckled as you gave a tiny shiver in your sleep. “She must be tired.”

He smiled at her before slipping off his blazer to cover you with it. “She works hard, sometimes I think she works harder than the rest of us,” he chuckled, pulling you closer so that he could make sure she was comfortable.

No one knows how a fan account had that video trending on twitter under the hashtag #BabyY/N three days later.

✦✧✦✧

One bad thing about being the only girl in an idol group, is that sometimes you get the least amount of consideration. Not because they didn’t respect you or anything like that, it’s just that after styling for seven boys, you think sometimes the staff tends to forget you are not a guy, or maybe they had never seen a girl in real life.

Or at least that’s what the short dress you were wearing had you feeling like. It’s not like it wasn’t pretty, a black skirt and connected by a thin, white lacy strip that wrapped around your abdomen. It was gorgeous, and the silky ribbon of a choker around your neck made it look even better, but it was just.. so short.

You powered through like a trooper, despite the fear in the back of your mind that you were flashing the entire audience while you danced. The minute the song stopped and everyone moved to get a drink of water, Yoongi was taking his jacket off and tying it around your waist.

Not speaking into the mic, you let him do as he wanted but asked, “Are you even allowed to do that? Won’t the stylist say something about how you ruined her outfit?”

Tightening the knot of material, he rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what the stylist has to say right now. Not only is your outfit not okay, but it’s obviously making you uncomfortable. You can wear this until the next outfit change.”

“Thank you,” you hugged him briefly, glad he had your back.

✦✧✦✧

There was a time where you guys were recording a live during a long break while at practice. Fans talked about it for ages afterwards. Taehyung sat against one of the mirrors, holding his phone, while Jimin was in the picture beside him.

“Basically, that’s it. We haven’t really-”

“Y/N, stop running around, you’re going to hurt yourself!” Jimin’s voice cut in, making the other man look over.

“What is she doing?”

Jimin huffed, “I have no idea, but she’s going to- Y/N, at least t- no actually come here, I’ll do it for you.”

And when you bounced into the view of the camera, only for all the fans to see Jimin pulling your foot to him so he could tie your shoe. “Be careful this time, even if you’re playing tag.”

✦✧✦✧

Jeongguk laughed at the camera, the comments being ridiculous. He was doing a live, answering questions about the embarrassing moments he chose to talk about. “No, it was funny! He fell, but then he tried to play it off by doing pushups, but he feel while trying to do that, so-”

He heard the door open in the background, and the camera saw him turn to the side just before he let out an “oomf.” The side profile of your face was visible to the viewers as you moved to curl against him on the bed. You rubbed your eyes sleepily, and he frowned. “It’s really late, you’re supposed to be asleep.”

You mumbled, “I was, but then I got scared and woke up. I didn’t want to be alone.” He pouted at that. You tended to have nightmares whenever you were stressed, and since he was the one who found out about them first, he was usually the person you ran to.

“Do you wanna sleep in here?” He asked softly. Everyone tuned in could hear everything, but your brother barely remembered that he was even recording as he fussed over you. You nodded, already drifting off on his shoulder. He smiled down at you before turning back to the camera. He read the many comments of everyone cooing over you. “Yeah, she’s alright. I’ll tell her to tell you guys herself tomorrow. Anyways..”

✦✧✦✧

Of course, there were incidents that were more serious.

The sun was setting, which made the perfect picture for the shoot you guys were about to do. The rooftop everyone was on was beautiful and stone, the kind of background you saw in movies. The sun seemed to glitter, and the wind made everything sway until the lake’s seemingly glittering waves caught your eye. “Whoa,” you gasped, moving closer to get a look.

“Y/N-”

You waved off Taehyung’s warning. “I’ll be careful! I just want to get a closer look!” You walked back over to the edge, admiring the way the sun sparkled on the water. You subconsciously leaned closer, moving your body a little too far against the thin railing, but before you could topple over, a hand grabbed the back of your jacket with a tight grip, yanking you back until you were a good distance away from the railing.

Your back hit someone else’s and you recognized Taehyung as you turned to see him. He stared down at you. “I said be careful!”

“I’m sorry,” you said a little shakily. Taehyung sighed before pulling you back into a hug. “Having a little sister is so hard, you’re not leaving my sight for the rest of the day.”

✦✧✦✧

Another moment fans loved to talk about actually happened at a fansign. You smiled brightly as the next fan came up to you, following the line. “Hello!” you greeted happily.

Something about this girl threw you off though, and the look in her eyes had you unintentionally leaning away from her. You couldn’t decipher it, but when nothing happened, you told yourself you were just overthinking it. She was probably just excited to meet what could have been her favorite artist group, right?

You stood by Hoseok as the fansign ended, moving to follow him out of then venue. He chuckled as he looked at you. “You have that look.”

You wrinkled your nose. “What look?”

“The one that says you’re hungry,” he teased, poking you in the stomach, making you whine. “Well, maybe-”

“Y/N!” You turned around, cutting yourself off mid sentence, to see the fan from earlier. “I found you.” Her smile was a little too bright as she reached for you, only for Hoseok to push you behind him as you stuttered out, “I’m sorry, we really have to go.”

You moved to attempt to leave after that, but her demeanor quickly changed. Her face changed from too happy and delighted, to dark and angry. Her eyes narrowed, and she reached for you more aggressively this time. “Don’t be son ungrateful,” she squeezed your wrist painfully and you cried out as security finally made their way over.

Hoseok immediately pulled you to him, looking at the rapidly forming bruise on your wrist. Even though at the moment, it was just a large red mark, his face still tightened. “This never should have happened,” he cursed when he noticed tears in your eyes.

He pulled you into a hug as he waited for the rest of your brothers to show up. “It won’t happen again,” he promised you.

✦✧✦✧

The moment that was probably the most talked about, was when a talk show host felt the need to ask you how it felt. Namjoon shared a glance with you.

“Excuse me?” you asked timidly, straightening up.

The interviewer turned to you. “Oh, you speak English! I was just asking how it felt to be so similar to a child all the time.” The man’s tone of voice didn’t even change, but the idea that he had expected Namjoon to translate this to you, and now casually asked you as if there was nothing wrong with the question. “You know, they’re always taking care of you, it makes it seem like you can’t do anything by yourself. Does it ever irritate you?”

You tried laughing it off, the chuckle leaving your lips as you ticked a strand of hair behind your ear awkwardly. “Not really. They’re not doing anything to be condescending, and I know that.”

“Do you feel like that is because you need their help?”

“That’s enough,” Namjoon cut in, his jaw clenched as he slid forward a little in his seat as if to help get his point across. “Y/N is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. We pitch in to check on her because we love and care about her, and she does the same for us. She is not a child but a grown woman who we love and care about enough to make sure she’s okay and gets the nice treatment she deserves. With all due respect, if you insult our sister again, we will be forced to cut this short.”

You looked over to him, offering a silent thank you as the interviewer coughed, trying to recover. The bad news was that this interview was live, so he really couldn’t do anything but sit there and realized he had just embarrassed himself.

Honestly, what else is there to say? You loved and cared about your brothers, and they loved and cherished you.

#aimee grace writes #bts #bts eighth member #'bts 8th member #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #kim namjoon #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jeongguk #bts imagine #bts x reader

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sanstropfremir · 4 years ago

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it's kingdom time for real!!! the first episode is here and mnet finally uploaded the stages from like a month ago so i can actually watch them more than once to review.

happy to see them all actually performing. not the most interesting stages overall, but it was the 100sec one-take so i wasn’t expecting anything crazy. like the performance stages, this is about what i expected at this point in the show.

ranking under the cut, i have Opinions(tm) and they are not all pretty.

(anyone that’s seeing this for the first time, i’m a trained performance designer with over 30 credits and a decade of experience, yes i can talk about this with authority)

a few general notes:

this type of stage that mnet has built is called a traverse, or alley, stage. named exactly for the reason you think. it’s characterized by a narrow playing space with audience on opposite sides, and two entrances on either end. so mnet had a pretty typical setup. there are some advantages to this type of stage:

because of the narrow stage space and usually smaller audience capacity, the performer and audience are in much closer proximity

because of the shape of the space, blocking (choreography but for not-dance) can travel well and be very dynamic

it’s uncommon outside of midsize/small productions so there’s some novelty for the casual theatre goer

however! there are some pitfalls with this type of stage. the hardest type of stage to work with is (theatre) in the round. theatre in the round is characterized by being....in the round. that means the audience is placed 360 degrees around the playing space. which means that they can see everything; every entrance, every exit, every performer’s back, 360 degree sightlines means there is nowhere to hide. and in a medium that relies on concealment to create magic, it’s a tough stage to work with. not saying it doesn’t work. some of the most incredible shows i’ve been to have been theatre in the round, but when you go to those type of shows, as an audience member you understand that there will be some scenes where you only see the actors’ backs. there is no perfect seat in the round. the reverse is true as well, the actors can only act to those in front of them. and like i stated previously, on the production end it becomes difficult to hide things like props/set/costume changes that you might have been able to in another type of theatre. why am i talking about theatre in the round? because traverse works on exactly the same principle. even though the audience is only on two sides, the same issues still arise. directionality is key: a director has to be careful of how exactly the stage gets blocked.

why am i talking about stage formats? because the space always informs the performance, that’s why. i think mnet made a sort of smart choice to build a traverse stage. since the ‘audience’ is a video camera, that eliminates the need to play to the opposing seating banks, and opens up more staging opportunities. it’s a fancy looking stage that does what they need it to.

now here’s my gripes. if you’re going to specifically orient a stage so that it is by nature directional, why are you broadcasting in a format where direction doesn’t matter? if the camera has no fixed position, then you’ve just skipped directly into in the round staging without taking into account the function of the space. it's a round peg in a square hole; yes it fits, but you can see the spaces where it doesn’t quite match up. for a very obvious example, any shot that is not staring directly down the barrel of the stage from left or right has audience in it. and not enough to be worthy of a reaction shots (because those are just cut in in post), but enough to just be there. why would you do that when you could just.....not? just go properly in the round and then you wouldn’t have that distraction. especially when the audience is wearing white. also, there are only so many ways you can stage on a traverse, you’re pretty much limited to directional points on a compass, because there are literal risers in the way. because of the way most groups are choreographed, the member layouts lean more towards having the members in a line than they do layering the members deep. this configuration is fine on a proscenium stage (which is what most stages are), and would even be fine on a traverse stage if you were playing to the risers. you could even do some interesting choreo alterations. but! because mnet has decided that the camera is perpendicular to the risers, that means that most of the formations are not optimized for the stage dimensions and are in fact the opposite dimensions. most of these groups are doing their longest blocking across the shortest area of stage, which is dumb. although it isn't much of a problem because the stage is still very large, but it's still a bizarre choice on behalf of mnet. why would you not arrange the stage so you have more clearance for the camera, the audience, and also the performers? i would have to check back over the rtk performances, but im pretty sure at one point they switch to an in the round stage. why are you not doing that from the start? this would also allow for more built setpieces. although it does remain to be seen if they do switch after this episode, since this particular challenge was a one-take with minimal props/set pieces. which segues to my next point: these groups barely took up the parameters of the challenge, or utilized them effectively! this is also mnet’s fault, mnet if you say that you’re gonna do a one-take, don't cut between seven other cameras!! show us the power of that single point of view! let the groups actually do some interesting blocking with the path of the camera! there’s so many interesting things they could have done, but no!! had to be boring!! i know this is technically an introductory stage, but i also don't care. these groups have (relatively) competent ADs and stylists, they can think outside the box.

ok now here’s my actual rankings:

1. btob

sorry babies, none of you can match them vocally. love you ateez but you sure fucked up picking them to go after you because they blew you out of the fucking water. and everyone else, but ateez cumulatively is the weakest vocally. more on that later. like the performance stage they showcased their strengths and the experience (and training) shows. good use of the directional stage having three vs one that came together in the middle. loved the white suit variations, im especially a sucker for a belted suit jacket. loved peniel's gigantic trench and massive earrings, very mid 90s, his stylist definitely took a lesson in how to accessorize very short hair. always love good use of fog. uniform colour theme, all elements were there to support the vocals. no complaints, chef’s kiss.

2. ikon

hey baby groups? see bobby having fun? do that more. i know you think performance face is sexy and serious but none of you know how to act and you all look dead inside on stage. the lights may be on but nobody’s home. anyways. excellent beginning formation, excellent ending formation, no complicated position changes that make the camera give you motion sickness. fun choreo that they are obviously having fun performing, which goes sooooo far in the success of a performance. only group so far to use silence as an effective device, and the arrangement was interesting and suited to the song+performance. i think it was smart of them not to deploy bobby right away, although it would have been funny to watch after whatever it was that stray kids was trying to do. again, like btob and also sf9, sticking to their strengths. costumes fun and fitting, indicative of both the colour of the group and of the song. nice detail in the monochrome and the black accent details.

3. sf9

taeyang is that bitch and they only way this would have been better is if he had actually grabbed the ties of those two other members (if you think i am going to remember anyone's names other than the people i already know you are wrong). love the confidence to waste a good chunk of your 90 seconds for walking and standing in formation. actual good use of one-take directional camera, even though they ruined it once they started dancing. choreo perfectly fine, lighting good complementary colour scheme, costumes nothing to write home about, surprisingly good projection design? wasn’t expecting that. im not the biggest fan white suit jackets over black shirts but ill give it a pass for the proper suit accessorizing.

4. ateez

i applaud your dedication to the pirate gimmick but boys you don't need that anymore, i promise. hongjoong's lil bloody cough was a fun gag that didn't draw too much attention but fit with the theme. came out of the gate strong with an actual clear narrative, which can be a challenge to do in 100 seconds, and the only group to have a narrative. also actual camera choreo! that was interesting! mnet stop fucking cutting to overhead shots! apparently im destined to always be beefing with the ateez stylists because what was the point of all that? very little variation in texture or pattern on matte all black just made any relevant details disappear. torch gimmick and end formation fun, and the arrangement had an obvious climax. weird and kinda fun projection design, but not helped by concert-style stage lighting. pick one or the other lighting designer, don't make them fight like that! props to them for actually having their mics on the whole time, even though they are probably the weakest group vocally. im also going to be beefing with the choreographer because they are always making seonghwa sing while doing ridiculous moves that make him go offkey. ateez has some of the stronger 4th gen vocals, but they're at a disadvantage because a) none of them have proper vocal training, and b) their main vocal is not actually a skilled singer and is destroying his voice.not a lot of vocals for them to showcase this stage and that was probably for the best. hanya (@changdyke) is in charge of vocals critique and will have more to say about this than me, even though i am also trained. im just here to talk about the production.

5. the boyz

im neutral to positive on tbz because i did really like their danger stage from rtk. this performance is just....fine. I don’t like the arrangement, but that's mostly personal opinion. but it doesn't have a conclusive end and the whole dissonance thing isn't really working for me in this instance. the choreo is quite flippy and tricking is not necessary for an interesting choreo. i did like the throwback/use of modern choreo, i think that's a strong choice for them and it's not something that many other groups are doing, so they should stick more to that than to tricking. the camera choreo is also not good. here’s where the clearance issues and fighting against the stage layout happen! stop making a handheld do a 180! are you trying to make us motion sick? to be fair, this is not the most egregious one, but at least ateez got it right by having a person lead the camera in a particular pattern. also, what even is the theme here? leatherclad boys in the forest? nobody give me any shit saying it's based off one of their music videos or whatever, that shouldn't matter. there should be a clear theme that can be easily identified without prior knowledge of the group, especially when this is an introductory stage and they are a relatively young group. none of the other groups have this issue. that being said, at least the costumes were interesting to look at, although thematically confusing. good use of accessories, texture, and bedazzling to make the black stand out against the stage. the hands in front of the camera were kind of fun but didnt really mean anything? again, back to the lack of clear concept. i did like them reaching out to pull that member forward, it would have been better if they had just left it at that.

6. stray kids

the more i watch this the more i hate it. im not even sorry about it anymore. starters, and i will admit this upfront: i do not like most 4th gen music, so the spiderman meme groups are already operating on a deficit in my point of view. and i particularly did not like this arrangement. same as with tbz, why did it not have a conclusive end? also overuse of sound effects. and stop saying your fucking band name! the only musician that’s allowed to do that is jason derulo and thats because hes a meme now. but twice in 100 seconds? no. and what was the point of that logo/crown reveal? im tired of crown reveals we have seen them so many times by now, we don't need to see it again. was it meant to be that they were carving it into the ground?? very unclear. there was an attempt with camera choreo, and i will admit that the pan up and then back down to the ‘wolf pack’ was probably the strongest moment in the whole performance. the lights were in their mouths, by the way. however, the rest of the choreo is all over the map, quite literally. as with tbz there’s a lot of members in the group and so in order for everyone to get their screen time they break down into smaller groups, which i don't disagree with on principle, but here.........the breakdowns are just tricking, which although eyecatching, does not a very compelling or cohesive choreo make. even the unison choreo is weird, obviously its stylized horror but it just looks awkward and strange. you can make awkward/unattractive choreo work (see taemin’s want, or even move, to some extent)***, but skz doesn't have an ounce of the charisma that taemin has so it just looks awkward. also, that rapid switch between opposite sides of the stage? nausea inducing. ateez was the one with the pirate concept but skz apparently trying to make us seasick. im not gonna say anything about that rap other than it was bad, why was that allowed on stage. the sparkthrower was fun but that's like the 14th gimmick in this 100 second stage and that’s too many gimmicks. costumes are truly nothing to write home about, extremely unclear relation to the theme. if you're gonna be wolves then at least have some fur accents or something. the makeup effects were a bit over the top and not necessary in the actual performance. a hairdresser needs to thin out felix’s hair because he looks like he's wearing one of those lego hair helmets. oh, i did like that one guy’s shirt with the collarbone cutout, but again: how is that relevant to the theme? cmon people!!!! design the whole experience!! im sure there’s more i could write but holy shit this is long and im tired and also i don't want to watch this stage anymore.

ok im done. jesus this is long. again, this is just the intro stage so i suspect that some of my complaints will become null next week, but we’ll have to see! well, what i actually want to see is changmin insulting children but i’m not holding out hope for that to happen. hopefully we see some more spectacle-y stages and i can really go in.

***this is not me saying that taemin has a bad choreo that he’s making the best of. want is purposefully choreographed that way in order to showcase taemin’s ability. same with move. the point of want is that it IS awkward and should not be seductive or appealing and yet it still is. almost like....it’s in the name of the song or something.....

#this is mostly stream of consciousness and has no clear thesis but i do not care #kingdom #kingdom review #anybody that has questions or doesnt understand my theatre jargon just ask im happy to clarify!#do not come at me with the 'if you dont have anything nice to say' bullshit these are performers performing is their job #i can and will critique them on it because it is also my job #like my actual real life job #and this is stress relief and a fun analytical exercise for me #even if this is almost 3000 words.....#kpop analysis #text

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inthedayswhenlandswerefew · 4 years ago

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Eccentricity [Chapter 10: Stay, I Need To Be Myself]

A/N: I hope you enjoyed the fluffy times while they lasted. 😉

Series Summary: Joe Mazzello is a nice guy with a weird family. A VERY weird family. They have a secret, and you have a choice to make. Potentially a better love story than Twilight.

Chapter Title Is A Lyric From: “Where Were You When The Sky Opened Up” by The Dangerous Summer.

Chapter Warnings: Language, sexual references (not graphic), angstttttttttt.

Word Count: 6k.

Other Chapters (And All My Writing) Available: HERE

Taglist: @queen-turtle-boiii @bramblesforbreakfast @maggieroseevans @culturefiendtrashqueen @imnotvibingveryguccimrstark @escabell @im-an-adult-ish @queenlover05 @someforeigntragedy @imtheinvisiblequeen @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhyee @deacyblues @tensecondvacation @brianssixpence @some-major-ishues @haileymorelikestupid @youngpastafanmug @simonedk

Uninvited

“Hey, it’s our song!” Joe turned up the radio as he steered his Subaru down the Lees’ cobblestone driveway and into a parking spot facing the woods. We’d been back from Chicago for a full week now, and—with the notable exceptions of classes and the early morning hours when Joe soundlessly crept out of my bedroom window—were very rarely apart.

“And I would do anything for love

I’d run right into hell and back

I would do anything for love

I’d never lie to you and that's a fact.”

“Uh, this is not our song,” I objected, the soles of my shoes propped against the dashboard. “I was not consulted. A couple’s official song cannot be a unilateral decision.”

“But I'll never forget the way you feel right now

Oh no, no way

And I would do anything for love

Oh I would do anything for love

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that

No, I won’t do that.”

“Oh okay, what are you, the relationship police? Alright, Chief Baby Swan, let’s hear your brilliant suggestion. Wait, let me guess. Something by The Killers. Vampire Weekend. My Bloody Valentine. Is there a band called Chipotle Veggie Bowl?”

“Never Gonna Give You Up?” I suggested.

He laughed, dragging me over the center console and into his lap. “Oh, you are the worst!”

I straddled him in the driver’s seat, cupped his face in my palms, giggled as I touched my lips to his, soft and cool and lithe and inviting. When I broke the kiss, Joe pulled me back in, knotting his fingers through my hair. The way my thighs fit perfectly around him; that sharp, instinctual, now so familiar ache of longing. “I want you,” I breathed.

He pretended to be scandalized. “Right now? At this exact moment? In my parents’ driveway?”

“Yeah,” I confessed.

He grinned, unbuckling his belt. “Okay.”

“Really?!”

“Yes. I’ve lost all sense of decency. I’m an animal. You’ve absolutely ruined me.” His hands travelled beneath my U Chicago sweatshirt and tore it over my head. Yes, he had converted me to Chicago apparel. It was very embarrassing. Let’s move on.

“I’m sorry,” I moaned softly. I lied. I wasn’t sorry at all.

“I think we might need to get our own place.”

“Why?”

“Because I love the way you ruin me. And I want you to do it...” He went on, kissing me after each word: “All. The. Fucking. Time.”

I yanked off his Cubs t-shirt in one vicious tug. “We’re okay out here?” I didn’t really care; I should have, I was aware of that. But I didn’t. The Lees, most likely, would not call my dad to report us for public indecency. I could imagine Scarlett’s voice in my head, warm with approval: Get it, girl.

“Totally. And we’re far enough away from the house, Rami shouldn’t be able to hear us.” Joe nipped lightly down the side of my neck: carefully, always so carefully.

“He’d only get your side of things anyway.”

“Well yeah, that’s what I’m worried about! Your thoughts wouldn’t be so intrusive. I don’t care if he knows I’m a fantastic lay.”

“Oh, are you?” I teased, grinding my hips against him. “I hadn’t noticed.”

Joe smiled as he unbuttoned my jeans, deliciously slowly. “Well let me...just...refresh your...memory...”

I kissed him, roughly and deeply, arching into him, biting his lower lip. Yes, yes, yes...

Joe pulled away, still smiling but blinking and dazed. “Wow, all the sudden I feel...like...really calm.”

“Thanks...?” A week of almost constant sex might do that to a person. Sure, maybe, what did I know? My lips found his again. My hand skated down his bare stomach and into the waistband of his boxers. Joe began to help me peel off my jeans; then he stopped.

“Wait wait wait, I know this feeling.” Joe lifted me off of him and pushed me back into the passenger’s seat, gently but stubbornly. I tried not to be offended.

“What—?”

“Shhh.” He grabbed the headrest of my seat and twisted around to peer out of the rear windshield. I followed his gaze. There was a new car in the driveway, parked up by the front porch: an anonymous black Honda Civic. The plate said California. It was probably a rental. “Oh fuck,” Joe whispered. His eyes were enormous, glassy, horrified.

“What is it?”

“Stay here.” He threw on his Cubs t-shirt, zipped his pants, fastened his belt. “Stay down, stay quiet. And no matter what happens do not get out of this car, do you understand me?”

“Joe, why—?”

“Do you understand me?” His voice was low but severe, so incredibly unlike him; his dark eyes were flinty. Just like that night with the apples in Mercy’s kitchen, that night when Ben almost...

“I understand,” I heard myself reply.

“Good.” Joe climbed out of the Subaru—smoothing his shirt and then his tousled hair—and rushed over to intercept the unsolicited guest. I peeked around my headrest to watch, my right palm braced against the center console, that feverish lust that had been rushing through my bloodstream gradually weakening, perishing, vanishing like seawater baked from the sand under a rising sun.

The stranger stepped out of the Honda Civic, and although I knew his face, it took me a moment to place him. It was like—I could only imagine, having never been myself—a child stumbling into their movie heroines and beloved stuffed animals come to life during their first trip to Disneyland, amazed and yet somehow gut-twistingly uneasy as they gawked up at that grotesquely inflated cartoon face, that mask of lipstick and rouge that didn’t quite match their recollections, that dreamlike mirage plucked from pages or screens and impelled into a physical form that suddenly swallowed up space and gravity and oxygen. I had seen this stranger before in the massive painting that adorned Gwilym Lee’s upstairs office.

Cato.

He was very tall and very beautiful, classically beautiful, Ben-level beautiful. Joe often jokingly referred to him as Idris Elba within the Lee household, and a mid-thirties version of Idris Elba was just about right. He wore an immaculately tailored grey suit and aviator sunglasses, which he removed to greet Joe, folding and then sliding them smoothly into the front pocket of his suit jacket. His face was solemn and observant; he had a closely-trimmed beard without a fleck of silver. He extended a hand, which Joe shook.

“Hey, Cato!” I heard Joe say, muffled through the walls of the Subaru. I couldn’t make out Cato’s replies; his voice sounded deep, rumbling, extremely level. “So nice of you to stop by! I didn’t know you were in town. Yeah, everyone’s doing great. Even Ben. Hahaha, yeah, you know how he is. You know exactly how he is. But it’s all good. Well look, I’m just gonna go run a friend home and then I’ll be back in fifteen, maybe twenty minutes and we can all chat. Okay? Awesome. Feel free to head inside, I’m sure Mercy would be thrilled to play hostess. There’s sweet tea in the fridge and a hummingbird cake on the counter and...oh, something else too...some weird type of cookies she baked this morning. Help yourself. I’ll be back before you can say ‘tyrannical vampire murder cult.’”

“Tyrannical vampire murder cult,” it looked like Cato replied without a hint of a smile. But he wasn’t paying attention to Joe anymore. His eyes had found the Subaru, and then me; he was staring with that intense, seeking bewilderment that reminded me of Rami and Lucy and Ben when I’d first met them, when they were still trying to puzzle out why my mind (and my mind alone) was a night-draped, silent ocean of the unknown.

He's trying to read me, I realized. He’s trying to read me and he can’t.

Joe was jogging back to the Subaru now. At last, Cato turned away from me and headed into the house. The carved pumpkins from Weber’s Farm still lined the front porch: Scarlett’s Thunderbird, Archer’s Vantage, Rami’s swooping bat, Lucy’s moon and stars, Joe’s moustached jack-o-lantern, my (but actually Gwil’s) snapshot under the sea, Ben’s miniature Lee residence complete with the winding cobblestone driveway. Joe swept into the driver’s seat, adjusted his rearview mirror, and spun out of the parking spot.

“Goddammit,” he hissed as we barreled down the driveway.

“Why is Cato here?”

“I have no idea.” Joe looked straight ahead as he drove, preoccupied, consumed with possibilities. His fingers drummed the steering wheel. “We have to pay dues to them, all the covens do. Gwil cuts a check. But that’s not until around the New Year. That’s almost always when Cato stops by. Collects the payment, interrogates us in a way that masquerades as conversation, hangs around town for a few days, reports back whatever we’re up to...which usually isn’t much. Holidays with the extended family, gotta love it. I don’t know why he would be here now.” Joe shook his head. “Maybe something to do with Ben. It would have to be Ben. There’s no other reason.”

“And you don’t want him to know about me.”

“No, I don’t.”

“But...Cato isn’t all that dangerous,” I said, not understanding. “Is he?”

“Not alone, no. But the people he works for are.” Joe sighed, glancing over at me as he drove, serious and sorry and sad. “There’s a lot of violence in my world. A lot of darkness. I’ve tried to protect you from that as much as possible. And maybe I’ve done too good a job, maybe it’s too easy for you to forget what we really are. Most vampires aren’t like Gwil’s coven. They’re not like me. They kill easily and unrepentantly. And I don’t want any of them knowing that you exist, that you’re a weakness of ours. I want them to know as little about you as physically possible.”

“A weakness,” I repeated. I didn’t like that.

He smiled faintly. “It’s a compliment to be somebody’s weakness, Baby Swan.”

“I guess so.” The towering pine trees whipped by in a verdant blur. The sky above was thick and grey and churning. “You’ll be okay, right? Ben will be okay?”

Joe seemed to find that amusing, ridiculous even. “You don’t need to worry about us.”

“But I still do.”

“We’ll work it out, whatever it is. Cato is a reasonable guy. And Ben is definitely capable of...well. Advocating for himself.”

Capable of unparalleled carnage, he means. The memory of the first day I’d met Ben hit me like a hurled stone, illuminated my mind like a pulsing neon sign: the coiled tension in his muscles, that mindless, animalistic hatred in his eyes. Yes, he must be quite the monster when he wants to be. But he didn’t want to be anymore. I knew that completely, unquestioningly.

Joe pulled into Charlie’s driveway. The police car was gone; my 1999 Honda Accord and Charlie’s Toyota Corolla rested idly side by side. My dad would be working late tonight, until eight or nine at least. A pang of loneliness struck in my gut, just beneath the ribs; I had grown so accustomed to the absence of solitude, of quiet. The silence suddenly felt so loud.

“Don’t let it ruin your night,” Joe said as I got out of the Subaru. His words were affectionate; but his voice was still distracted, distant. “Don’t let it bother you. Everything will be fine, I promise. And as soon as Cato’s gone, everything will go back to the way it should be.”

“Okay,” I replied, not feeling very comforted at all. I don’t like the way he pushed me off him when he saw the car. The way he’s barely looked at me since. The way he called me a weakness.

Joe was already checking his mirrors, preparing to leave.

“Hey. Mob guy.” I leaned into the rolled-down window. “I love you.”

And the grin lit up Joe’s face like the sun. He crawled across the passenger’s seat, drew me into him by the collar of my brand new U Chicago hoodie, kissed me until that wild, interrupted desire was flaring up again in my arteries and nerve endings and everywhere else. The thunderous clouds in my skull split open. Everything’s still okay. It really is. “I love you to death. And then back again.” He retreated and shifted the Subaru into reverse. “I’ll see you soon. But maybe not too soon, I might be tied up with this family thing for a while. Don’t wait up tonight.”

“No problem. I’ll just call one of my other monster boyfriends to keep me company. The werewolf should be free. It’s not a full moon, is it?”

“No bestiality,” Joe retorted sternly. “That’s illegal, ma’am.”

I smiled and waved as the Subaru swerved out of the driveway and disappeared. Everything’s okay, I told myself, standing in the front yard under darkening skies. Everything will be okay.

And I kept telling myself that, again and again like Hail Marys, until I was dozing off in my bed alone six hours later.

Hit It And Quit It

I dreamed of the beach at La Push—my toes wriggling beneath the cold sand, the ricocheting cries of seagulls, the primordial growl of the frothing waves—and woke up with the ghost of saltwater in my sinuses. I grabbed my iPhone off the nightstand. Two new texts: one from Archer—Hey would it be distasteful or hilarious to dress up as Dracula for the Lee Halloween party? Asking for a friend.—and one from Jessica asking if she could copy my Marine Botany homework. Absolutely nothing from Joe.

When was the last time I didn’t have a text from Joe waiting for me in the morning? I struggled to remember, my mind still foggy with snippets of dreams. A week? Two weeks? A month? It felt like forever.

I tapped out a text to Joe with my clumsy, just-waking-up thumbs: I am resolved. No more nights with my werewolf boyfriend. Dude scratched the hell out of me and then barked at the mailman. Had to drop him off at the SPCA for neutering. See you soon! xxxx

I tried not to obsessively check my phone as I showered, got dressed, gathered my textbooks and notepads and pens. And yet still, I noticed: Joe didn’t text me back.

The rain poured from a grey sky all through my drive to Calawah University, Marine Botany class with Jessica, our frantic dash across campus beneath her hot pink umbrella to Forks And Spoons. My human friends had custody of me during lunchtime today. Angela was studying for a Computer Science quiz, Eric working on an article for the Calawah Chatterbox, Mike histrionically lamenting a sprained ankle coming just on the cusp of basketball season. Jessica bought me a chocolate chip muffin as thanks for texting her a picture of our Marine Botany homework this morning. Ah, the sweet taste of academic dishonesty.

I was relieved—more than I would have liked to admit—that all five Lees were at their usual lunch table, looking worn and tired but normal enough. Ben was hiding behind a pair of sunglasses and his black U Chicago hoodie that Joe and I had bought for him last weekend, sipping steaming tea out of a mug that he gripped with both hands. Scarlett flipped moodily through an astrophysics textbook. Rami repeatedly tapped the tabletop with a pen while Lucy knitted a lavender sweater, never raising her eyes from the jumble of yarn in her lap. They all murmured to each other in low, furtive voices, their mouths barely moving. Joe gave me a wave and a drawn smile; but only after I waved first.

Angela was now scolding Jessica for her lack of moral integrity.

Jess rolled her eyes, gnawing on a chicken finger that was burned black around the edges. “I’m here ostensibly to become an anthropologist and in actuality to find a hot rich husband, not to learn how to identify like sixty different types of algae.”

“Then why even take Marine Botany?” Angela asked, confounded.

“Calawah University forces every student to take at least two science classes, even if you’re a humanities major. Because they’re fucking fascists.”

“Oh, fascists, a big word for you!” I congratulated Jessica, patting her shoulder before returning my attention to my homemade veggie quesadilla and leftover slice of Mercy’s hummingbird cake. I was getting so good at this eating respectable meals thing. Joe would be proud.

Angela chuckled. “How’s that finding a husband thing going, by the way?”

“Awfully,” Jessica sighed. “I had this really promising flirtationship going with a frat boy in my Indigenous Peoples of the Arctic class. Ellsworth Jonathan Griffin, gorgeous blue eyes, blond man bun, his dad is a partner at a corporate law firm in Los Angeles. That’s the stuff dreams are made of. But I’m pretty sure he dropped out because I haven’t seen him in a few days. Also he would bring Absolut vodka to class in an Aquafina bottle.”

“You can probably do better,” I said.

“Well we can’t all end up with Lee boys, now can we?” Jess snapped irritably.

When it was time to depart for our afternoon classes, I met Joe in the doorway of Forks And Spoons, linked my fingers around the back of his neck, tugged at his dark, auburn-tinted hair.

“You okay, mob guy? You seem a little...” Exhausted? Edgy? Sad? “...Distracted.”

“I’m good. I’m great.” He kissed me briefly, fleetingly. No big deal; after all, we were in public. Right? “Are you cool to hang out later?”

“Absolutely. Can we go to La Push if it stops raining? I know it’ll be cold, but I woke up with the beach on my mind and haven’t been able get it out all day.”

“You got it. Can I meet you there? I have to take care of a few things first. Have to, uh, hunt.”

I stared up at him, feeling my stomach drop, feeling rapidly and jarringly off-kilter. Joe rarely mentioned hunting around me...not in a serious way, at least. It was one of those things that knocked me out of the fantasy of how compatible we were, how possible. It was a reminder of all those interminable differences that lived in the hushed space between us. “Okay.”

“I’ll...I’ll explain everything then. At La Push.”

“Okay,” I said again, very uncleverly. What’s going on here? What exactly did Cato say?

Joe smirked; finally a flash of playfulness, that contagious light he was built of. He smoothed my hair with one feather-light stroke of his hand, touched his lips to my forehead. “Don’t be late to Chemistry. I can’t have you failing out.”

“Of course not. How would I be able to get my Marine Biology PhD from U Chicago?”

But Joe didn’t laugh, didn’t even smile; he just left.

Ben was hunched over our table in Professor Belvin’s classroom, his arms encircling his notebook, the pen in his hand scribbling frenziedly. The window was wide open; the rain outside had weakened to a docile drizzle. He was still wearing his sunglasses. He didn’t acknowledge me at all.

“Rough night?” I asked, sliding into the seat beside him.

“Yeah.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I definitely do not.”

“I’m sorry,” I told him. Ben glanced up, his thick eyebrows raised; they peaked just above the rims of his opaque sunglasses. “Whatever it is, I’m sorry.”

For a long time, Ben just looked at me; maybe wanting to say something, maybe just feeling that decorum necessitated it. “You shouldn’t be,” he replied at last. And he spent the rest of class paying no attention whatsoever to Professor Belvin’s lecture on the Pauli exclusion principle and instead scrawling untidy Welsh phrases into the formerly pristine pages of his notebook.

It was just after 5 p.m. when I arrived at La Push, the tires of my 1999 Honda Accord crunching over the gravel of the small parking area, the wind whipping ferociously. Joe had gotten there first; he was sitting on a rock down by the water with his back to me, peering out over the Pacific Ocean, tossing pebbles and shells into the waves. We had an hour of daylight left. The sky was obscure, grey, dim. Fine droplets of rain like mist sailed through the biting autumn air and clung to my skin.

When Joe spotted me, he leapt off the rock and watched me approach with his hands in the pockets of his North Face jacket. He wasn’t wearing anything Chicago-related today, which was highly unusual. I waited for him to touch me, to hold me, to tell me that everything was okay and always would be...at least for the next ten to fifteen years. He didn’t. “Hey,” he said instead.

“Hi.”

Joe nodded down the beach. “Let’s walk.”

I have never been especially good at mundane, monotonous rambling. That’s a Scorpio thing. And yet monotonous rambling is exactly what I did: I prattled on about my classes, Charlie’s bowling league, Renee’s new life in Florida with Paul, the ocean, the weather, anything to fill that space between us that all at once felt so enormously significant. I was vaguely aware that I was afraid to stop talking; I didn’t want Joe to have the chance to say whatever was on his mind.

Finally, Joe stopped walking. He took my hand, ran his thumb over the faint scar from when I accidentally cut myself in Mercy’s kitchen. His shoes sank into the wet sand, left imprints there like fingerprints. He turned to face me, pained, grave, and oh god, far worse: guilty.

“What?” I asked, terror swelling in my lungs, my bones, some inborn warning of impending ruin.

Joe gazed out over the crashing sea, then came back to me, like a dislocated joint popping back into place. “I am so sorry.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I...” He spoke slowly, haltingly. “I thought that this was something that was doable. But I was wrong.”

“What...?” And then a possibility occurred to me, a glorious possibility. Of course. A grin erupted across my face. “This is a joke, right? You’re joking, you’re always joking, this is just—”

He shook his head. He wasn’t joking. I wrenched my hand out of his and stared up at him in furious disbelief.

“It’s not fair to you,” Joe said. “This thing, being with someone like me. I can’t give you a future. I can’t give you an uncomplicated existence. I mean, come on, you have to worry about getting murdered around my own family—”

“Do you have fucking amnesia?” I demanded, incredulous. “Joe, we just talked about this. We just made plans to move to Chicago after graduation, we agreed that it was what we both wanted. I don’t want a normal human boyfriend. I don’t want normal human in-laws. I want you, Joe, and Ben, and Mercy and Gwil, and Rami and Lucy and Scarlett, I want the whole ridiculous Lee family package and there’s nothing you could say to make me decide that this isn’t worth it.”

“Look—”

“No, something happened, right? Something happened with Cato, or Ben, or someone, something happened and now you think that you have to do this but I’m telling you that whatever it is we can figure it out, we can figure it out together, isn’t that what you promised me?” He said he wouldn’t leave. He promised me he wouldn’t leave. All those things...all those things he said...

“Listen.” And now his eyes were stony. He didn’t call me Baby Swan. Oh, this is bad. This is so bad. “It’s not fair to me either.”

“And that’s what this is really about,” I realized. My voice was abruptly fierce, caustic. All those other women; those beautiful, graceful, immortal women. How did I ever think I could compare?

“It’s not personal.”

“It’s the most personal thing there is, Joe, it’s pasts and futures and love—”

“It’s not though.” He smiled, just barely. “Maybe we thought it was, but it’s not.”

It hit me like a brick, like a bullet; I couldn’t catch my breath. I was drowning in thin air, like a sawfish, like a shark. “Well I’m glad you figured that out on your own fucking schedule.”

“This was my fault,” he said. “All of it. And I am so profoundly sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, and I take full responsibility for it. I hope you’re able to move on knowing that there’s nothing you could have done differently. These are just the realities of my world. You’re better off in your own. And you’re going to make someone very happy someday.”

It's all so empty, so excruciatingly generic. “You’re a monster,” I seethed at him, tears stinging in my eyes.

“Yes,” Joe agreed softly.

“I hate you.” I wasn’t sure if I meant that, but I still said it. Maybe I could will it into being true, like how people find God after a particularly grim diagnosis; there’s no harm in trying to make it real. There’s nothing left to lose.

“That would be more than fair, given the circumstances,” he said. “I won’t bother you again. I’ll ask you to do the same for me.”

“Sure.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks now; my breaths were ragged, hitching. I need to get out of here. I need to get away from him.

A shadow of concern crossed his face, the first one I had noticed since yesterday afternoon. “If you need someone to drive you home, I’d be happy to—”

“I’d literally rather die.” And I left Joseph Francis Mazzello standing on the beach with the twilight wind in his hair and the sun setting behind him like time slipping through an hourglass.

I fled to my Honda, turned the keys in the ignition, covered my face with my hands and wept in raw, heaving shudders as Hungry Like The Wolf played from the mixtape that Joe had left in my cassette player. I ejected the mixtape, rolled down my window, tossed it out onto the rain-slick gravel. I couldn’t stand the thought of going home. Charlie would be at work until late tonight; Joe would never set foot in the house again.

I have to go somewhere. I can’t just sit in that goddamn bedroom. I can’t be alone.

I wheeled my car onto the main road and drove until I came to an unceremonious mechanic’s garage with a fractured concrete floor and cracks like spider legs across the windows. When I stepped out of my Honda, Archer raced over to meet me, beaming and wiping his hands clean with an oil rag.

“Hey, you know you’re not allowed to come here unless you bring Taco Bell with you...” Then he saw me, he really saw me. “Whoa, what—?”

And Archer caught me as I collapsed into his arms, sobs ripping through my throat like fangs.

Benjamin, 24 Hours Earlier

It was bad. Whatever this was, it was bad.

I knew because Rami could read Cato, and I could read Rami; the hazy wisps of color that unfurled from him were a hectic, wrestling electric blue: distress, grief, anxiety, denial. Cato’s own aura had always been rather unforthcoming—he tended towards deep, mellow greens and purples of congruence and contemplation—and forever tinted with an opalescent quality that spread like wildfire to the people around him, the people who were under his influence, that intangible calming and harmonizing effect, that irrational sense of wellbeing. Everyone in the room had that faint opalescence shimmering around them now, even Rami, whose unspoken turmoil remained a roiling rather than a storm. And I thought—not for the first time—that if Larkin was a spade that hollowed you out, scraped along the jagged snags of your split bones to empty you of any ambitions and loyalties that had come before, then Cato was the anesthetic that made the mangling go down smoother, the promise that you would someday still catch glimpses of innocence. Larkin was a purger, a purifier; Cato made you believe again.

There were pitchers of sweet tea and a heaping tray of butter pecan cookies on the living room coffee table. Cato sat on the neat white sofa, one leg crossed over the other, stoic, waiting. Rami stared vacantly from the loveseat; Lucy was beside him, her delicate bare feet tucked beneath her and her fingers laced through Rami’s, her brow knit into grooves of worry. Scarlett was next to me on the largest couch, her boots propped up on the edge of the coffee table, her hair in a long French braid, periodically cracking her knuckles. It was nearly the only sound. Mercy bustled around the room gifting everyone tall chilled glasses of sweet tea; Gwil stood by the virtual fireplace on the big-screen tv, his hands in his pockets, his lips pressed into a rigid line.

The front door opened, and Joe stepped inside, his car keys rattling in his fist. For as long as I’d known him, his color had so often been a bright and buttery yellow, his aura more visible and constant than anyone else’s. Lately, he was increasingly cloaked in the rosy pinks of love or the vivid, shifting, crimson reds of lust; and Rami and I bonded over our shared efforts to politely ignore that particular variety of thoughts.

Joe pointed to Cato. “What’s going on?”

“How long?” Cato asked him.

Joe feigned cluelessness. “Huh? What do you mean? Oh, car chick?! That’s nothing. She’s just a friend.”

Cato blinked. “Do you really think I just arrived in Forks today?”

It rolled through Joe like a wave: surrender, apprehension, dread. The realization that Cato had been watching us for days, weeks even, meticulously keeping just enough distance to stay out of Rami’s range of hearing. Joe’s now-opalescent aura dipped from cerise to an agitated mahogany. “Two months.”

“And she’s talented.” Cato’s voice was impatient, incredulous; How could you be this stupid? that voice said.

“No,” Joe flared, like shards of wood cracking in a fire. “No, she’s got nothing to do with you, with us. With our world. She’s got nothing to do with it.”

Cato circled the fingerprint of his index finger around the rim of his misted glass of sweet tea, meditative. “In one hundred and seventy years, I have never met someone who I couldn’t find if I wanted to. And yet the second I turned my back on that girl, she was gone. Vanished. The world was a blank map. How is that possible?”

No one said anything. Finally, Cato looked to Rami.

“You can’t hear her thoughts, can you?”

“No,” Rami admitted.

“And how many times has that happened in...how old are you now, the same as Ben? How many times in the past century have you met someone who made you feel normal, weak even? Who made you feel human again?”

“Never,” Rami conceded.

“You too, right?” Cato asked me. “You can’t see what she’s feeling. She’s nothing but white noise.”

I nodded reluctantly.

“She’s talented,” Cato said again, decisive.

“Oh god,” I choked out, burying my face in my hands. Now I knew what Rami had heard. I knew everything.

Joe shook his head almost violently. “No, that’s not fair. There’s no way of knowing if that would translate to life as a vampire or how it would manifest. There’s no way of knowing if she would survive the transition at all. And none of us are ever going to find out because she has nothing to do with our world.”

“She does,” Cato insisted. “Because you brought her into it.”

Scarlett shivered beside me, crossed her arms over her chest, clutched her leather jacket tighter. “You can’t be serious, Cato. You’re not a monster, you know she might not survive—”

“And that would stop Gwil. It would stop me, sure. When has it ever stopped Larkin?” Cato gestured to me. “With him? With me? With Akari or Araminta or Liesl or Rigel or all the ones who didn’t make it, who died screaming as they scorched from the inside out? It has never stopped him because he doesn’t care. He finds talented people. He covets them, covets them jealously, like jewels or money or lovers. And they either become one of his possessions or they become nothing at all.”

“No,” Joe whispered. “No, no, no...”

Rami was shrinking into the loveseat, overwhelmed by the emotions in the room that were dragging his aura into whirling greys, those desperate and dark thoughts; not even Cato could mute them entirely. Lucy tried to soothe him, laid the back of her fine-boned hand against his cheek. Mercy covered her gaping mouth. Gwil studied the floor, thunderstruck, absorbing it all.

“This is a courtesy that I’m doing you right now,” Cato told Joe, his large palms clasped together, his voice sorrowful and yet unyielding, almost pleading. “This is a warning. If he finds out about her, about what she can do...he’s going to want her. And he gets everything he wants.”

“He can’t find out,” Gwil said hoarsely.

“No,” I agreed. Death or a hundred-year sentence. Either way, a part of you dies. Either way, a part of you ends up in a box six feet underground and clawing for the sun.

“What can we do?” Scarlett asked Cato. “I mean...is there anything we can do?”

“You have to get rid of her. That’s her only chance. Get her out of your orbit, away from our world, away from where Larkin or anyone who serves him would ever cross her path. I won’t tell him about the girl. I’ll try to deflect his attention. If she’s already been spotted, I’ll tell him that she’s useless, just another one of Joe’s litany of casual liaisons. And that’s a risk I’ll take, I’ll do it out of respect for your coven, Dr. Lee, and for Ben. But there is absolutely nothing I can do for you if Larkin finds out for himself. I don’t think I’m the only one he has watching you.”

“Of course not,” I said bitterly. “I’m sure he has all sorts of eyes on me. The white whale. The one that got away.” This is my fault. It’s all my fucking fault.

“It’s not,” Rami murmured; and nobody else heard my side of it, but I think they understood.

Joe’s aura was now murky, sunless, almost black. It was a color I hadn’t thought he was capable of. His eyes were slick and bleary.

“Son?” Gwil prompted. Mercy was sobbing into a handkerchief patterned with roses. Mom, I ached instinctively, before pushing the thought away.

“I won’t do it,” Joe said. “You’re asking me to break her heart and I won’t do it.”

I begged: “Joe, you don’t understand—”

“No, you don’t understand! You don’t understand what this will do to her, what it’s going to do to her for the weeks and months and years that come after, she might never forget—”

“Do you want her to end up dead or in a hundred-year contract?” Cato shot back. “Do you want to see how much of that girl you care about so much is left after a century with Larkin?”

Everyone’s eyes fell on me. I could feel them, full of pity and horror. I’m what’s left. Someone gutted of everything but rage and bloodlust.

“No, of course not,” Joe said. Thanks a lot, brother.

Cato smirked without any humor at all. He had known. “Then the choice is easy.”

“Son,” Gwil said again.

Joe gazed back at him with huge, agonized eyes. His words were brittle, raspy, hollow. “Dad, I love her.”

“I know,” Gwil replied. His aura was a blue like cobalt: profound sympathy, compassion, mourning. “And that’s why you’ll do the right thing.”

Twenty minutes later, I was puffing on my vape pen as I paced back and forth across the wrap-around porch like a caged bear, watching the sun disappear behind the western hemlock trees that raked the clouds. Gwil, Rami, Lucy, and Scarlett were with Joe; Mercy was trying to convince Cato to stay the night in one of the guest bedrooms. I could hear her ludicrously gracious protestations through the walls. “We know it’s not your fault, dear, this...this...situation. We know you’re just the messenger. And you’ve been so important to Ben all these years, so kind. It’s really no trouble at all...here, let me at least wrap up some cake for you to take...”

The front door opened and closed. Scarlett appeared beside me, resting her forearms on the porch railing. She sighed, closed her eyes, said nothing.

“This is going to destroy him,” I told her.

Scarlett nodded, her face bathed in silvery moonlight, marvelous and yet forlorn. The aura that surrounded her was a deep, despondent indigo. It matched the sky. “Yeah.”

“And to think...” I exhaled heavily, nicotine-tinged vapor vanishing into the damp night air. Rain was coming; I could feel it in my bones. “I was just beginning to like it here.”

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404fmdhaon · 4 years ago

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aesthetic & headcanon — re[gone] analysis of each song

summary: re[gone] is the title of haon’s first full-length album. each song becomes something personal that dives into gyujeong’s own versions of freud’s theory. id becomes the ‘i’m so sad, boohoo.’ sad boy hours. ego becomes ‘life’s whatever’. and superego becomes ‘hahaha im on top of the world, fuck you all.’ rebellion, sadness — he calls it a mix of what the past decade’s been. elaboration on the songs below. (yes i know that’s not correct freudian psychology, but im saying it’s how gyu separates the songs into threes). warnings: none wc: 1569

middle fingers up

middle fingers up is the opener of the album and falls into the big ‘fuck you against the world’ type deal. it’s almost cheery in nature if you just listen to the beat, but the lyrics dig a lot deeper into how gyu feels as an idol.

he doesn’t have many friends to begin with, but that doesn’t stop people from approaching him and wanting to be “friends” which he just sees as a business transaction. because for the most part, he’s kept to himself. yet, doesn’t see why that would make people want to be his friend aside from the ‘he’s in knight’ factor

so it’s his fuck you song where he tells people to shove it. eat it. because in the end, what he’s left with is that ‘i don’t need you’ attitude. i’d see it more as a defense mechanism because he just doesn’t want to let people in? so he puts on this fake bravado of i don’t need you.

artist

artist is what he calls the thing between ‘i’m on top of the world’ and ‘life’s whatever.’ this song was written with his friend, and mentioned before in past headcanons it was meant to give his npc friend more clout so that his friend could make a living from music

it’s a fun song, a very serious juxtaposition of very different sounds. as a result, at first listen it’s not that good to the ears when you hear it without the lyrics / vocals.

this was the song that was finished the fastest in the span of one night? and after performing it many times on shows, it’s just not his favorite to perform. the styling was not his forte either as bc put this weird outfit that just seemed to not fit with what he envisioned

but he will say, the royalties his friends are getting makes him proud.

omen

omen is another ‘fuck you’ song to the world. it’s meant to be a response to everyone in the underground community who has looked down upon him for being an idol rapper

it’s saying that they’re the ones complaining about him, yet the ones that are trying to be like him. this goes in his top three from this album, and one he begged bc to let him release because at first bc was like ‘idk.. it kinda doesn’t sound as bc as we want.’

however, the result of this song made the underground rappers he was targeting release a diss track? and though he wants to respond to it, it seems unlikely seeing as how he’s still an idol

this one does not get accepted well by knight’s fan base but does drive attention from the underground children

phone ft. jiah

originally, gyu didn’t have anyone in mind for the feature. just knew he wanted a feature, so when the song was given to bc to analyze — they decided to push the “bc family image” between him and jiah (natural blonde line holla). as a result, jiah became the feature

though gyu wouldn’t admit, the song does become better because of jiah’s vocals.

it’s a story written in the lyrics, autobiography? not really, well kind of. there’s bits and traces of his own life inside the song where discussions about a fight / lapse of communication of the girl picking fights because she hasn’t figured herself out

that frustration? he’s felt it many times in the past with his first love, and that in turn made this song — though, he no longer harbors those frustrated feelings towards her anymore. he just misses her.

let’s not love anymore

this is a more singing rap song, as he wanted to involve as many genres as he could in one album. mainly because it was a hail mary, and he didn’t know when his next opportunity would be?

the singing rap fit this song well enough, and it becomes a song where he highlights the hopeless romantic in him? he fell for someone who used to be a close friend, and the song was written during the “some” phase, where they were in limbo to the point they didn’t know what they were or a will-they or wont-they dynamic

explains the concept of ‘why we should not be in love’. and mini-memoirs of things he’d do while he was falling into place. though the person and him ended up badly to the point where they don’t talk anymore, gyu still enjoys the song because it teaches him to 1) never act upon feelings and 2) stop writing sad love songs.

take care of you

i’m going to keep this short and simple that this song is the most personal one on his album. the song he loves the most, yet hurts the most to sing. as a result, he doesn’t want to touch it but instead it was released for the person whom it was written about to hear.

the mv was low budget via bc. (gyu doesn’t care. just wants her to hear it).

beautiful

beautiful is another on the sad love song train list, only it’s not so sad. in retrospect, he finds it sad? because he was a lovelorn schmuck when he wrote it — that feeling of love he hasn’t experienced again. and that in turn causes him to cling on?

the piano use is frequent in a majority of the songs but i think it’s most prevalent in this track mainly because it dealt with parts of his past where the person whom it was written about knew about his family ties and he ties starting music to her.

fun fact: this is the song that suddenly makes fans all ‘look at how romantic haon is.’ and leads to some speculation as to who the girl is (newsflash: it’s not an idol — but his fans don’t know that)

aslyum

very similar to omen — it has a nice singing portion to the chorus which gyujeong wanted to keep for fluidity of the songs.

however, despite the easy listening it becomes a song more towards omen and the ‘fuck you all’. only this time it’s a response to when people in the underground community ask if it’s nice living life at the top

idol life isn’t all what it is, and hence how the song came about. wanted to express that life at top is lonely, and that people should not judge based on what’s flashed on tv. however, he doesn’t bet anyone got that since most fans skip over the song (for what he’s been told).

downtown baby

maybe it was all a dream? but this song was inspired by his one night stand in berlin. he basically never indulges in those but there was something enticing about the woman, reminded him of a girl from his past.

she spurred a week long escapade? where he thought it was in love. but it started as quickly as it ended, and he lost contact with her altogether. in reality, he still debates whether it was a dream, vivid and full or whether it was real. wonders how she does time to time.

the charming point of the song is the easy singalong, and the addicting hook? which he didn’t intend on making that way, but it fell that way when he found himself singing the songs long after recording.

he’d give this song a personal 7/10. high-mid range on his album, but bc loves the outcome bc 1) it feeds into knight bad boy image and 2) it does well

meteor

once again this was done with an npc friend in the underground scene. gyujeong wanted something triumphant, and it’s embarrassing but he used to listen to one republic a lot as a kid in boarding school. fell upon their music, and that subconsciously inspired the general beat of the song

the song becomes his ode to how far he’s come, and how the difficulty of an uphill battle lead him here. it’s starts off showing off his material goods and throwing a huge party in the mv, but in the end what becomes is his declaration that he’s the meteor that will break the world

high self-esteem in this song, but it’s really not real. he just felt in that moment weightless because he was with good company, and the vibes were good

the best part about this song is that his friend saved up enough money to buy a car and start producing for other big names. and gyujeong gains secondhand satisfaction from that

superstar

meteor was the come up, superstar was the come down back to reality. superstar talks also about a lot of material goods — people always talk about the money knight makes and how nice it must be to live large, etc.

however, gyujeong combats these stereotypes talking about how it’s nice yeah — and he’s this bigshot doing all these things. yet, there’s a cry out for help.

in retrospect, this is his cry for help where he wants someone. anyone to listen. because the more fame dwells upon him, the more pressures become heightened and he feels more isolated from the world around him

he acknowledges his position and his privilege but still finds life lonely — another song making him wonder if people got the actual meaning of the song.

this also makes his top three on his album.

#머리속에 — 생각 #뀨뀨 — queue

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saintbandaid · 5 years ago

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Promise - Sally Face/Larry

Just boys being bros

Larry was lazily strumming his guitar, strewn across Sal’s floor waiting for him to return from the kitchen with lukewarm beers and a package of chips. Larry couldn’t help but stare out the window at the way the trees shook with the windy rain that was pouring out over the apartments. The tree house was visible, almost, through the downpour. The soft thudding of feet came rumbling from down the hall. Larry’s gut turned, he didn’t know if it was a trauma response or general excitement to see his friend again.

Sal walked into the room, carefully shutting the door behind him as if there was anyone in the house to bother.

“What.”

“Nothing, you just look cute.”

“Shut up. I’m wearing a mask.”

“Yeah but it’s cool,” Larry laughed.

“Then tell me I look cool.”

“Ice cold baby.”

“I’ll literally fucking kill you.” Sal sighed, behind his mask he felt his lip begin inching its way towards a smile.

“Only if you promise.”

Sal sat down beside Larry on the ground, picking up the guitar. He strummed softly, it sounded as if someone was brutally murdering a banjo, but it was soft in a way only Sal could do.

“Let me teach you to play.”

“No. I play fine.”

“Sal if you make me listen to your drunk chimpanzee attack on my guitar again I will literally shit on your floor.”

“Hot.”

Larry sat up from his lounging position, scooting over to sit closer to Sal. He reached down and repositioned the guitar in the other man's lap. “Now put your right hand at the top, left at the bottom.”

“Ok.”

“Now press down with your middle finger, and on this string with your other.”

Sal strummed the guitar after his fingers found their way to the right position, it sounded nice, Sal sighed a defeated sigh. “Fine, teach me.”

“I’m gonna gym teacher you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sit in my lap.”

Sal stared at Larry for a moment, in total silence. The rain kept trickling down, licking the windows in long laps. Sal sighed again, he got up and scooted to a position with Larry’s legs around him. Sal has confined himself to this moment of defeat. Once he was sitting the room remained quiet, Larry’s chest was pressed against Sal’s back so close he could feel the deep indent in Larry’s chest.

Larry rested his head on Sal’s shoulder so he could see the guitar strings. He took a moment to smell Sal’s hair, the aroma of sweat and strawberry shampoo. Larry picked up Sal’s hand and began pressing his fingers against different chords. This carried on for a second, or moments, for centuries or millennia. Long enough for Sal to shake away Larry’s hand and begin pressing the chords on his own. Listening to the choppy strumming Sal was producing, Larry reached over and opened one of the beers. He chugged it quick, escaping the idea that it was probably time to scoot away from Sal and let him explore the guitar.

Larry sighed, beginning to push away from Sal. “Stop.”

Larry looked over Sal’s shoulder, trying to make eye contact.

“Just,” Sal paused, “Keep showing me.”

Larry swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat, and suddenly the dreary rain filled apartment felt hot. “Ok.”

Sal reached over Larry’s thigh and grabbed one of the beers, popping it open and chugging it like his life depended on it. The two sat in awkward silence for a moment before returning to the guitar.

Sal kept moving, shifting in his sitting position.

“Are you okay?”

Sal turned his head to look at Larry, his eyes were piercing and serious. After a few moments he looked away, grabbed another beer, and treated it like a glass of apple juice.

“Teach me on the bed.”

“What?”

“Teach. Me. On. The. Bed.”

“Hot.”

“If you talk again I will kill you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Larry smiled and pushed himself off the floor, each of his joint cracking on the way up. Sal stayed sitting for a moment while Larry got comfortable on the bed. Larry wasn’t sure why, but he wanted to be drunker. “Can we drink something else?” Larry asked, rolling his head to look at Sal.

Sal reached under his bed and revealed what appeared to be gasoline in a plastic water bottle. “It’s like six different alcohols… whiskey, rum, whatever I could find.”

Larry smiled, “Damn.”

Sal got on the bed and gave him the water bottle, “I have two, we can drink this one all if you want.”

This caught Larry off guard, typically his blue haired counterpart was more certain. Offering an option was different than the typical conversation styles. The two drank, leaving the guitar on the floor. The boys laughed at the noises from different apartments and they way they echoed through the floors. They guessed who was talking, even guessing people that weren’t there anymore.

Sal got quiet, his skin was prickled with goose bumps but he had never felt more warm.

“You’ll catch a cold baby blue.”

“What did you just call me?”

“Baby blue.” Larry smiled and winked.

“Do it again.”

“Okay,” Larry suddently couldn’t make eye contact anymore, “Baby blue.”

“Look at me.”

Larry was getting frustrated and he wasn't sure why, as if he was caught in a lie.

“Baby blue.”

Sal sat there, he did nothing, just sat. Larry’s ears began to heat up, something was caught in his throat.

“Why do you want me to call you that.”

“No one calls me that.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No.”

Sal reached down and took another swig from the water bottle. He leaned over and got close to Larry’s face.

“When do you call me that?”

“Just leave it alone Sal, I’m sorry if you're mad.”

“I’m not, I just know a secret.”

“Oh?” Larry’s voice cracked, there was no playing cool when Sal’s blue eyes pierced into his brown ones. Dirt and mud mixing but this was like a mudslide.

“I’ve heard you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ve heard you, singing, you wrote a song and you say baby blue.”

“It’s a colour.”

“Yeah. It’s a colour. But you called me that.”

Larry reached over and grabbed the water bottle, taking a deep gulp. “And?”

Sal leaned over, pressing his forehead against Larrys. Larry could hear his breath, laboured but not the typical difficulty breathing that Larry knows.

“Touch me.” Sal whispered.

Larry couldn’t move, suddenly forgetting how his hands worked. Nothing made sense right now. Larry jerked away, “Woah.”

Sal sat back quickly. “Im drunk.”

The pit in Larry’s stomach felt deeper than the marianas trench.

“No.”

Sal squinted his eyes, “What?”

“No.”

Larry leaned back over, his hands on either side of Sal’s thighs. He used one hand to yank on Sal’s piggy tail, “I can touch you.”

Larry has in fact, zero idea what he was doing, but he liked it whatever it was. Sal shook his head, moving Larry’s hand away. He didn’t let go, he grabbed tighter and pressed Larry’s palm against the straps on his mask.

Larry knew what was happening, and it was happening faster by the second. Warp speed ahead. He unclipped the mask, it fell onto Sal’s lap. Before Sal could say something bossy Larry had his lips on Sal’s. It was rough, tactless and very boosey. Larry smiled into the kiss, this is exactly what he wanted as his first kiss.

Sal didn’t do much, as if by magic he no longer had instructions for Larry. This was uncharted territory and Sal was lost and going through the motions.

Larry pulled away, “I’m so sorry.” Larry’s stomach felt like it was going to turn, worried that he had fallen for a joke and taken it too far. “I’m just drunk.”

Sal’s blue eye appeared to be watering, something Larry had never seen.

“Sorry for what.”

“Kissing you, you were joking right? I went too far. I shouldn't have don-” Larry was cut off mid pitiful apology by Sal’s finger.

“Don’t apologize.” Sal’s finger began to trail down Larry’s chin, brushing against the stubble developing. He carried down Larry’s neck and to his chest, drawing circles on his descent. The room was quiet, Larry was holding in his breath in anticipation on how far Sal was going to go. Sal paused above the belt, and Larry watched the way Sal’s breath was hitching too.

“I thought I was supposed to touch you.” Larry laughed, grabbing Sal’s arm tightly. His courage was coming back, and he was ready to be a present player in this mixed up game of repression and graveyard alcohol. Larry grabbed Sal’s other arm too and pushed him against the bed.

Sal’s brain was mush, “Hit me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Slap me or something.”

Larry began laughing, “Why?”

“Need to feel real.”

Larry leaned down, squeezing Sal’s arms tightly and pressed a kiss into his forehead. “Make me.”

Sal squinted, establishing control through eye contact. Sal began to squirm, his back arching to make contact with Larry. He began to moan, never stopping eye contact with Larry.

Larry couldn’t breathe, everything he had read in the porno rag he found in the woods did not compare to this moment.

“Okay, Baby Blue, okay.”

Larry leaned back, still straddling Sal, and slapped him across the face. Sal moaned, arching further. “Okay?” Larry asked.

“Okay.” Sal whined.

Larry leaned down and kissed Sal again, biting his lower lip to get inside. As their mouths moved together Larry began to get lost. Almost forgetting where he was, almost.

“I want you to kill me.” Sal sighed.

“Excuse me?” Larry laughed.

“I want you to choke me to death, hide my body in the tree house, and fuck it until I rot.”

“Sal.” Larry paused, “You’re kind of fucked up.”

“Yes.”

“I promise, but not today.”

“Promise.”

Larry gave Sal a look, “Say not today.”

Sal stole a quick kiss, “Not today.”

“Good boy, you follow direction too.”

Larry rolled off of Sal, laying beside him.

“Am I your boyfriend?” Larry asked nervously, his body still felt like fire.

“Why?”

“Because we kissed, and I promised to hide and fuck your corpse.”

“Ok.”

“Okay? You’re my boyfriend?”

“Sure.”

“Will your corpse also be my boyfriend?”

“Shut up or I’ll kill you.”

#sally face fanfiction #sal x larry #fanfiction

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numba99 · 5 years ago

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Fatal Attraction Part 3

Part 1 Part 2

Summary: When a mysterious man shows up at your job, you find yourself inexplicably drawn to him - and him to you. But behind the beautiful face is the dark lifestyle of a man who has made his wealth through becoming the most powerful drug dealer in the city. Word count: 2.7k

Song (I already forgot to do this for part 2 so you’r getting the one I meant for that part too) - ... Ready For It? // Taylor Swift & Finally//Beautiful Stranger // Halsey

Warning: mentions of death

Two weeks. Two weeks shouldn’t feel that long but it felt like an eternity. That was how long it had been since you had seen Mika, or even heard from him. You didn’t know what went wrong. When your date got interrupted, you thought you’d get an explanation a few hours later, or at least the next day. You were beginning to wonder if what you witnessed was a lot more serious than it seemed.

A small, overly anxious part of you was afraid that maybe Mika got hurt by the Dimitri guy and that’s what you hadn’t heard from him. You tried to push that thought out of your head, but with each day that went by, it seemed more possible. You didn’t think Mika would be the type to just ghost you, especially after you figured out he was really a coke dealer. You could rat him out if you were mad for all he knew. Not that you would ever do that.

You were pretty desperate for any contact at this point. A simple “im okay,” text would have at least put you at ease. But nothing. Maybe Mika wasn't the guy you thought, you didn’t know him that well, really. Or maybe something really bad happened...

You shook your head at yourself in the cracked mirror in the strip club changing room. You couldn’t let that thought get to you right now. You had a job to do, a shitty job, but a job nonetheless. Rent wasn’t going to pay itself, and you certainly weren’t going to get any tips if you looked all mopey.

So, you stepped out and did your thing. No amount of pep talk, however, could prevent the heaviness in your chest when you looked at where Mika usually sat and found and empty chair. It had be empty for awhile now, but you still weren’t able to shake that little glimmer of hope that you’d look out a find him there, just like old times.

You weren’t quite sure how long you were up there for. It all felt like a daze recently. It could have been 5 songs, maybe 10? You didn’t really know. What you did know was Rick was now excitedly motioning for you, which meant only one thing. Private room booking. The absolute last thing you wanted to do right now.

“There’s my little money maker,” Rick said with his classical sleazy smile.

“Where am I going?” you replied, biting back a gag. You had men look at you nearly naked every night, but something about how Rick looked at you made your stomach churn. He was someone who enjoyed his job way too much.

“Room 2, enjoy,” he replied. You rolled your eyes and walked away quickly; you didn't wanna give him a chance to slap your ass as you left. You seriously hoped this guy would be a big tipped, because it was going to take everything in you to give him a decent show.

When you stepped into the little room, your stomach fell to the floor. “Mika,” you gasped. You couldn’t believe your eyes at first, but it was really him sitting in front of you.

“Hi y/n,” Mika said. Anger bubbled inside you, you marched toward him and gave him a hard shove. He was sitting, so it didn’t really do much, but it was cathartic.

“Hi? You disappear for two weeks and all you can fucking give me is a hi?” you growled. You had to whisper-yell because the walls were thin, but you think he got the point.

“You have every right to be mad at me,” Mika replied calmly. It irritated you more.

“You’re fucking right I do! Do you have any idea what was going through my mind, or do you only care about me when you want a little show?” you snapped, gesturing to the tiny lingerie you wore.

That bothered him. “No y/n, not at all,” he replied sternly, “It’s complicated... but I want to explain.”

“You better,” you huffed, crossing your arms over your chest.

“But not here, it’s not secure enough,” he told you.

“I don’t get off for another hour,” you replied.

“I can get you off now,” Mike replied, reaching for his wallet.

“No, I don’t need you throwing around your money anymore,” you stated, “If you really care, you’ll wait for me. If not it was nice knowing you.” With that, you spun around and left. It left you feeling sort of on a high. It felt good to tell him off, and even though you were annoyed you were glad that he was okay. Now it was just a matter of if he was going to wait.

The next hour went by quickly, to your delight. You hated that you were excited to see Mika. You should be pissed and never want to see him again. While you were still mad at him, you were eager for his explanation. You were hoping all the nagging questions that plagued your brain these last two weeks would finally be answered.

When the hour was up, you found Mika’s car waiting outside. You were happy he waited for you, but you didn’t allow yourself a smile. There was still a lot to be discussed.

“Where are we going?” you asked as you slid into the backseat. You stayed as far from him as the backseat allowed. You didn’t trust yourself around him, not even when annoyed.

“Your place, if that’s okay. We wouldn’t be expected to go there,” Mika replied.

“Expected? By who?” you questioned.

“It will make sense when I explained, just trust me,” Mika urged.

“Alright, fine,” you replied, but this better be good. You gave the driver the address and you started on your way. It was then you realized Chris was not in the front seat. “No sidekick tonight?”

“I thought this conversation would be better for just the two of us.” Mika replied, with a tone in his voice you couldn’t quite place. You suddenly felt a knot form in your stomach. It was that same sort of feeling when a parent said they needed to talk to you.

The car came to a stop before you could have a full blown panic attack about it. Mika followed you silently into your building. The elevator climbed to your floor painfully slowly. Had it always been this slow? You swore it was just trying to torture you now.

“My place is, er, small,” you said as you slipped the key in the lock. Small was an understatement. It was basically a glorified closet with a kitchen and a bathroom. It wasn't much at all, but it was yours and yours alone, which was a difficult feat in Manhattan. You were proud of it, and its many, many flaws.

“I don’t mind,” Mika replied as you shut the door behind the two of you. You led him to the couch, feeling your palms get a sweaty as you waited for him to begin.

“So?” you prompted.

“I don't even know where to begin,” Mika sighed.

“Well how about you begin with whatever happened at that bar you took me too. With that guy, um, Dimitri?” Mika tensed at his name.

“I’m still really sorry I put you in that situation,” Mika sighed.

“It’s fine Mika, just tell me what’s the matter,” you replied, gently touching his thigh for reassurance.

“Alright well like I told you, I basically oversee all the coke that comes into the city,” he began, “It’s been like that for a while now. Dimitri used to work for me, we were close, actually. I considered him a friend, but he betrayed me. He left me to run with the Russians.”

“The Russians?” you questioned.

“They’re my rival I guess you could say,” Mika answered, “They’re the seconded biggest group of coke dealers in the city, though they really don’t have anything on the flow I have coming in. Dimitri has been trying to one up me ever since he left.”

“Why’d he leave?”

Mika shrugged, “Could have been anything. He wanted more money, more power I’m guessing. He always wanted to call the shots but at the end of the day everyone answered to me, just like the answered to my father. He started this all and I inherited it from him when he-” Mika stopped mid-sentence, like the words got stuck in his throat.

“What happened to him?” you probed gently, you scooted closer to him, sensing he wasn’t about to tell you a feel good story.

“He was killed, not by Dimitri’s hand, but he was the one who put the hit out. He thought with my father gone he would easily be able to take the empire from me. Clearly he he had no idea who he was dealing with,” Mika said bitterly.

“Mika I’m so sorry,” you replied, wrapping and arm around him. He was trying to be strong, but it hurt him, you could see that.

“It’s alright. I killed the man who pulled the trigger and have been making Dimitri’s life a living hell ever since,” Mika replied. He paused, giving you a cautious look. “I’m sorry, I hope I’m not scaring you.”

“I’m not afraid of you Mika,” you replied firmly. At least that answered your question from your last date.

“You should be,” Mika replied, “You should be afraid to be anywhere near me.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Mika incredulously, “Did you not hear what I just told you?”

“I heard you but I don’t see how that should make me afraid to be with you. You kept me safe,” you reminded him.

“We got lucky,” Mika replied, “If Dimitri had seen you, if he knew that I cared about you, you’d never be safe again. He’d do anything to hurt me y/n, including killing everyone I care about if he can. Hell, he’d start going after the people you care about. Your friends, your parents.”

His last words stung, not that he could know why. “He’d too late,” you mumbled.

“What do you mean?” Mika asked.

Your anxiety spiked, just as it always did when you had to tell the story. It never got easier. “My parents were killed,” you told him, “Just a few years ago. They were walking home late at night and two guys tried to rob them. They put up a fight and they both got shot.”

“I’m sorry y/n I didn’t know,” Mika said softly.

“It’s fine, you had no way of knowing,” you replied.

“Did they catch who did it?” Mika asked.

“Yes, but only one of them got jail time. The one that gave up the other’s name got a plea bargain. He says the other one pulled the trigger, but really I have no way of knowing. For all I know, the guy who killed both my parents is still walking the streets today,” you explained, a chill going down your spine as you finished.

“What's his name?” Mika asked, his face etched with anger.

You could never forget it, “Thomas Holmes. As long as he’s around, I don’t feel safe, not really. So I’m sorry Mika, if you don't want me around you’re gonna have to think of something more creative.”

“I hate that you have to feel like that, that someone did that to you,” Mika replied, frowning.

“That’s life, I guess,” you tried to make it come out like a joke, but it wasn’t very convincing. Everything about what happened to you sucked.

“Do you have any other family?” Mika asked. You just now realized his hand was holding yours.

“No, my parents were only children and my grandparents passed when I was younger,” you told him, “I was in college when it happened. I had some friends from that and I tried to keep going, but it was too much. It kinda sucks when you walk in the room and suck the whole life out of it because no one knows what to say to the girl with two dead parents. So I dropped out and that's how I ended up stripping.”

“I’m sorry,” Mika repeated, squeezing your hand.

“We aren't so different I guess,” you said.

“No you’re nothing like me,” Mika shook his head, “Nothing good will come of being with me.”

“That’s not your decision to make, Mika,” you replied sternly, “Like I said, if you really want me gone then just say it, but I’m not backing down because you’re scared for me. I think I’ve proven by now I have a good head on my shoulders.”

“Your life’s not gonna be the same.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, “At this point I’m sorta used to life altering events.”

“There will be somethings we have to go over,” Mika said.

“Blah, blah, blah, we can go over your rules later,” you teased, but then added more seriously, “I just wanna be yours, Mika. I don’t care what I have to do.”

Mika leaned in close to you, his forehead pressing against yours. You breathed in his familiar scent, immediately making heart race. “You’re mine, y/n,” Mika murmured, “And I’m yours.” His hand found your cheek and the next thing you knew, his lips were pressed to yours.

You hated cliches, but there was no other way to describe how it felt to kiss him but fireworks. It was weird, Mika was still somewhat of a stranger to you, but you never felt so secure with someone. It was like you’ve known him your whole life.

“You’re crazy, you know that right?” Mika said breathlessly. It was the first time you saw him smile all night.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” you raise a brow.

“Bad for you, good for me I guess,” he teased.

“Very good for you,” you replied, pulling him in for a kiss another kiss. You tangled your hands through his hair, sliding on to his lap. You nipped at his lower lip before slipping your tongue in his mouth. You could kiss him for hours, you thought, you never felt anything so intoxicating. And if just this was good...

“Not tonight,” Mika pulled away as you reached for his pants.

“Why not?” you pouted.

“We should take things slow, I want it to be special,” Mika told you, pushing a lock of hair out of your eyes.

“What my ripped up secondhand couch isn’t special enough for you?” you feigned offense.

Mika laughed, “I love your couch. I just wanna do this right.”

You nodded, “Alright, I can be patient. But will you stay the night?” The thought of him leaving now, even if it was just for the night made your heart hurt.

“Sure baby, I’ll stay,” he replied, his hand on the back of your neck as he placed a gentle kiss on your forehead. “Let me just call the driver and let him know hes free to go. I’ll meet you in the bedroom?”

“Sure, if you get lost, just call my name I’ll come get you,” you joked as you hopped up. Mika smiled, pulling you for another kiss before letting you go. You scurried into your room, changing into the cutest pair of pjs you had. You got into bed, laughing to yourself at the thought of Mika having to squeeze into you little twin size bed with you.

A few minutes later Mika came in. “We’re all good,” he told you.

“I’d offer you something to sleep in, but I don’t think anything I have would fit,” you said.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry,” Mika replied. With that he began to strip. Sure, he only went down to his boxers and the tank under his shirt, but it was more than enough to make your lower stomach churn. You’re taking it slow, you’re taking it slow, you’re taking it slow.

“Sorry the bed’s so small,” you said you lifted the covers for him to get in. It was a tight fit and you were practically on top of him, not that you minded.

“It’s alright it’s... cozy,” he smiled, gently running his fingers along your face. He was quiet for a few minutes before adding, “Would it weird you out if I said I thought about being like this with you a lot?”

You shook your head, “Not at all.” The thought gave you butterflies.

Mika smiled, giving you one last kiss, “Goodnight, y/n.”

“Goodnight, Mika,” you replied, settling into his chest. You didn't know how to explain it, but in that moment you knew without a shadow of a doubt that you and Mika were destined to be with each other.

#fatal attraction #m zibanejad #mika zibanejad imagine #mika zibanejad smut #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagines #new york rangers imagine

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kweebtrash · 6 years ago

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Can I Love Like This? (M)

Messy Chapter 6

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: description/discussions of sexual assaults, beginnings of codependency, light drinking/drug use, unhealthy coping mechanisms, anxiety attack/night terrors, a little bit of a “i can fix/help you attitude”, a little jealousssyyyyyyyyyy

Features: slight daddy kink (daddy/princess), a lot of making out and ass grabbing (because johnny’s a slut), a little bit of grinding, blow jobs, unprotected sex/pulling out, slow fucking/riding, scratching, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, oh and cock warming

Word Count: around 13.5k

A/N: There’s no group chat at the end so I’m sorry! I know a lot of people like them because they’re funny but for some of the serious chapters there won’t be. Towards the end, the songs referenced are Chase Atlantics “Dancer in the Dark” and “Into It”.

Messy Masterlist Buy me a Ko-Fi Other Stories

Johnny's POV

I stood quiet as I was unsure as to why she was crying. It happened so suddenly that I stopped talking, pausing to see if she would gather herself. I had told her what happened after the rave and everything that transpired the past couple of weeks. It was definitely hard to say the whole truth. Jae had only gotten the cliffnotes version; i wasn't exactly comfortable telling him everything even though he was my best friend. For some reason though, with Eri, I felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't think less of me. I just didn't expect her to cry.

“I'm so sorry, Johnny.” She managed to squeak through her hiccuped breaths.

I scooted closer to her. “For what?”

“For not being there for you…”

“How could you have been? I pushed you away. I needed some time to myself. Shit got heavy really fast and I stayed roped in this mess. I just felt stupid. I knew i shouldn't have taken the pill but I did. And if i hadn't maybe i would've avoided all this.”

“Dont ever blame yourself, ok? We make mistakes but that doesn't warrant anyone getting ra-”

I grabbed her shoulder, more intensely than i should have but i couldn't bear to hear what she was about to say just yet. “Please don't say that word. Just don't.”

She pursed her lips together and pulled her knees to her chest. I sighed and raised my hand to wipe away the smudge-y black tears staining her cheek. She turned towards my touches, slowly falling into my chest and holding onto me tight. It felt good to be held like this. I didn't realize i was even craving it until now. A warm touch that wasn't full of violence or ill will finally made me feel like I could breathe again. Like my safety net has been casted and I could fall into it without worry. “I don't want this to happen to you again. I want to be there for you.”

“It wouldn't be the first time.” I shrugged simply.

Eri looked at me in surprise and as if another round of tears were about to break through at any moment. “What do you mean? T-this has happened before?”

“Something similar, i guess.” I set my head in the palm of my hand as she pulled away to give me room to breath. “When i was younger i hooked up with an older chick which was a big mistake. I wasn't really experienced at the time so I let her take control. So she asked me to go down on her-this was my first time doing it- and then she kinda...she like held me there. I couldn't really breathe so i started to panic and tried to push her away. She didn't let go. When she finally did I didn't want to do anything after but I guess she convinced me or guilted me into having sex after.”

“Oh my god...that's why you dont-”

I nodded.

Her semi silent tears exploded again and i wanted to shake her. There wasn't any need to cry over me or even take pity upon me. “Eri, stop it. Stop crying.”

“Don't tell me to stop crying! All this shit happened to you and it makes me pissed! Im angry you felt like you couldn't tell anyone. I'm upset at myself for not being there for you. I feel guilty for all those times i asked you to go down on me. And worst of all i want to hurt the bitches that did this to you. Like really hurt them.”

“Don't. I just wanted you to know. I was the one that felt guilty about leaving you on read. I got swallowed up by everything and it was like I wasn't allowed to even be with my friends. I'm thankful that you're worried about me and i'm definitely glad you're here with me now but I don't want to focus on the bad stuff anymore...can we just, maybe, stop talking about it?”

Eri wiped at the tears and nodded. “Yeah, yeah! Shit, of course. I’m sorry. You don’t have to think of it anymore because of me.” She enveloped me in another death grip hug, plastering me to her chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist, setting my head on her shoulder and closing my eyes for just a moment. I could smell her- the mintiness of her shampoo, the florals of her perfume, and the underlying muskiness of our sex. Paired with the heat of her body it was the most comforting thing i had felt all month. I sighed softly, giving her shoulder a quick kiss before pulling away. I kept my hands on her waist and looked up at her. “Do you...will you stay here tonight?”

“Duh.” She smiled. “I'd be totally okay with that.” I reciprocated her smile and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She stayed close, adding a few more pecks until i leaned into her harder. Her hands fell to my shoulders, gripping them tightly as mine slipped to her hips. Just as I beckoned for her to part her lips she pulled away, leaving me confused. “Um...is this ok?” She whispered, nibbling on her lip nervously.

“If it was okay in the bathroom, why wouldn’t it be okay now?” I scoffed.

“Because...of everything we just talked about. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Remember how you did the same for me at the beach? I want to be sure you don’t feel-”

“I don’t feel like shit when I’m with you Eri, trust me. I guess I never told you but...don’t take this the wrong way ok? But like-” I exhaled deeply and dropped my head back onto the seat of the couch. “But when we fuck I don’t feel like anything’s wrong. I don’t feel like I have to be in my head, or wrapped up in shit that’s happened to me, or even like I’m rushing through it just to get off. It feels good.” I could see the hint of redness color her cheeks and it made my palms sweat. I pulled them away from her hips and wiped them furiously on my jeans, failing at trying to be as casual as I could be. I didn’t want it to seem like it was something that would ruin our fuck buddy relationship. I didn’t want that at all.

“I'm glad i can make you feel good. That's all i want, Johnny.” She said softly.

“C'mere.” I sighed, pulling her into my lap. “Promise me you wont worry about me that much?”

“Absolutely not.” She adjusted herself so that she straddled my thighs. “All i'm gonna do is worry about you now. You big dumb ass.” She resumed her gentle kisses and I dove back in to trying to pull more out of her. Anything to get my mind off of this. Too many emotions at once gave me a sick panicky feeling and retreating to sex was my comfort zone of all things, especially with Eri. With all the heavy talk I wanted to go back to burying it deep down inside my brain and my heart, trapped with all the other shit i had been through. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be free. Maybe i should be taking more time to properly heal and process it but i just wasn't capable of doing that. At least not now. Maybe somewhere down the line when i was in my mid thirties and having a crisis in therapy I could address it. But for now I was content with shoving it aside and convincing myself that I was alright. I need that intimate touch with Eri to help me forget and metaphorically wash away the dead feeling my body had from having sex with a destructive force of nature. I let my mind snap back to our kiss just as her lips parted and I could slip my tongue in. I sighed into her mouth, moving past my traumatic thoughts and letting my fingers trail up and down her spine.

Getting lost in her lips was a better addiction than any drug I'd ever done before. The way they felt against mine made me never want to stop kissing her. I didn't need to breathe, i just needed her against me. Her fingers crept into my hair, twirling around a few strands. Just as I kissed at her bottom lip she let out a soft whimper. “It still hurts, jerk.”

I smiled a bit, remembering my handiwork of almost tearing into the tenderness of her lips. A little part of me liked it, making it akin to her knowing that she was mine in that moment. “Oh, now you're gonna complain, princess?”

“D-dont call me that.” She whispered, touching her fingers to her tender lip.

“Why?”

“Because it's...i mean it goes with the whole...um-uh-" She turned her voice down to a whisper. “Daddy thing.”

Shit. I had almost forgotten about that. But how could I? It triggered something in me. Something i never even knew I desired. It made me want to do filthy flithy things and get lost in the way she begged for me. My own cheeks started to heat up just at the thought. “Right...so...uh...is that a thing between us now or?”

“I dont know! I mean it's still...there's like more to it than just the name and I dont think it's gonna be your gig!”

“How do you know that?” I tapped her forehead with mine gently and gave her another kiss. “Maybe I like all the shit you're into.”

“Name one single kink you have.”

“I like the hair pulling.”

“That's like normal people stuff, Johnny.” She practically laughed. “All i'm saying is that there's dynamics, trust, and learning that goes with using that word. It's more complicated than you think.”

“Does it mean i can control you?”

“EXCUSE.” She yelled.

“WHAT!? I'm just asking. I'm curious. Can't i be curious?”

“Well yeah but...i didn't think we'd be having this conversation so suddenly and especially not after everything that's happened.”

“I still like sex, Eri. I still want to have sex. I want to have good sex so that way my body doesn't shut down completely and i'm reminded of what it's like to not have control. Hence, why I asked. Can i have control of you?”

“Well...i mean…” she fidgeted against me and groped at the ends her hair. This was the first time I had ever really seen her so docile. It was a bit strange but i was beginning to like it almost as much as i liked her fiery “take no bullshit” personality. “Not all the time. Only in the bedroom, or bathroom...or i guess bumper cars too.”

“Interesting.” So she was giving me permission. Now what to do with that exactly. I was diving into new territory and while it was a hell of a lot more frightening than it was thrilling, the spark of curiosity was ever growing. Control was something I definitely needed during sex. I wouldn't be able to function without it. I didn't exactly see it as a kink thing, it was more of a me thing and how my mind reacted when I fucked. It was like a defensive mechanism that went off as soon as I was in someone. “Ok. So...another thing.” I started.

“Oh boy.” She took a deep breath and exhaled dramatically. “What else?”

“The choking.”

She scrunched up her body and wiggled in the most uncomfortable way. “Right. Uh...that's a thing I like. Not everyone does and you don't have to do it if you don't want to! And if you're trying to be kinky because of me you really really don't have to. I can have regular sex.”

“I want to try some things. The choking is a bit much but if you're okay with it and if i'm doing it right then maybe i'd be willing to do it again.” I confessed.

She covered her face and dove her head into my chest. “Oh my god. I can't believe we're doing this.”

“Why are you so off put by us doing it but not by Ten or Yuta?”

“Because!” She said, practically muffled by the barriers of our skin. “I never expected this from you! It's a little weird!”

“What's so weird about it?”

“I-you- we...ugh, i don't know! I guess i just…” She didn't look at me when she trailed off in her thoughts. She tugged harder on her hair, pulling a few strands free. I pulled her hands away before it got any worse.

“You're stressed.” I noted.

“It's a lot in one night to process. And i know you want to talk about this stuff between us right now because you want to ignore what happened. I get that, i really do. It feels good to ignore shit but it's a ticking time bomb.”

“I know that. The bomb has exploded a few times but it's all I can do right now. If you dont want to talk about kink stuff or sex or my life then that's fine.”

“Nonononono!” She waved her hand frantically as if to stop me. “I do! I like our talk but i'm...i don't want it to get too messy between us. I take the kink thing seriously. They're different relationships compared to romances or friendships, though they can cross over. So even if mutual friends do it and something happens where there’s disconnect or trust issues than it can be difficult to repair that. On top of that, you and I are-we're really connected. I keep forgiving you, you keep thinking about me. We're fucking stupid.”

“That's for damn sure. I know what I want from you.” I lied. “It's just sex.” Idiot, stop talking right now. “That's all it is, Eri.” Jesus christ, why do you do this to yourself?

It may have been in my imagination but maybe her deep brown eyes showed a hint of hurt in them. She quickly smiled as if would create a clean slate. “Well duh!” She laughed, which seemed a bit forced. “What else would it be! We're just friends. Who fuck. A lot. Just friends.”

I nodded, feeling my heart clench behind my rib cage. My mind was screaming to blurt out that I liked her but the chains that shackled me to my inability to fully trust anyone prevented me from heading in that new direction. “Just friends.”

She returned my nod as if we had just sealed a pact. “Um...so we're friends. Who fuck. And now you want to try being my-” She whispered again like the word was suddenly going to condemn her. “Daddy.”

“I mean…” What the fuck did I even mean? “Yes?”

She flopped into my chest again and i could tell we were on the same level of confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. Eri had been right all along and I should've listened to her. It was too much all at once. “Hey, do you want some clothes to change into so that way you're not all covered in straps and buckles and shit?” I said, trying to flip the conversation entirely.

“Oh!” She seemed grateful for the change of pace. “Yes, please. I'm ready to yeet this damn bra off.”

“What's your costume even supposed to be anyway?” I asked.

“I dont know,” She shrugged. “I just put together anything that looked slutty. Call me like a black cat or something.”

I flicked the metal o-ring on her collar. “Yeah, with your kitty collar.” I meant it as a joke but i could see by the way her she ducked her head and avoided me that she was thinking of something else. “Eri, oh my god.”

“What?! I didn't say anything!”

“You didn't have to, you kinky slut. I didn't mean it like that.” She hit my chest playfully.

“Shut up!” Eri shimmied off me and stood up between my legs. Her thighs were in my face now and i couldn't help but run my hands over them and cup her ass. This was my favorite part about her and i could kiss them for hours if she let me. I felt her tap my forehead. “Now you're being the slut. Come pick something for me to wear. I don't know where your clothes are.”

I patted her ass, beckoning her to move so i could get up myself. She moved back and headed towards my room. I was still slowly getting up from the floor when i heard her gasp. “What happened?!” I panicked and went to her side. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary though. “What's wrong?”

“Who's room is this? It's so clean!” She clutched her chest, over dramatically, and looked around. “There's no starbucks cups! And it smells so nice! Clothes are in the laundry basket! Oh my!”

“Ha ha, very funny. Sometimes cleaning your room during a severe depression episode helps. I just wanted something to help make me feel better.”

I went over to my closet while she poked around still raptured by the fact that she could now see my floor. I pushed through some of my gym shirts and button ups and found a hoodie that i thought might fit her. I pulled it out, waiting to hand it over to her, when i saw her fingers dancing over the keys of my electric keyboard. Her attention turned towards my acoustic guitar after, her head cocking just a bit to the side.

“So i'm not the only one with a music secret?”

“I dont keep it a secret. I make music with the guys all the time. It's just been really hard lately.”

“Mhm…” Eri pressed her lips together, her eyes darting to the left as if she was mulling over something. “So...if you're in journalism are you doing music journalism like I am?”

I shook my head and kind of laughed. I guess school and life shit never came up between us when we were fucking each others brains out. “No, photojournalism actually. I'm getting a minor in music production but I want to do mostly photojournalism.”

“I don't think you can get a degree by taking thirst trap gym pictures for instagram, Johnny boy.” She nudged my shoulder back playfully and i just rolled my eyes at her.

“I don't just take those kinds of pictures. I do other stuff. Better stuff. More meaningful stuff.” I leaned back against my dresser, the hoodie still in hand as i waited for her to start disrobing. She began with the collar, unbuckling it from around her neck and letting it fall against the harness. She turned towards me when she struggled to get to the straps behind her. I set the hoodie between my knees and pried at the metal clusterfuck. She pulled her hair over her shoulders. My eyes instantly went to the tattoos she had across her shoulder blades. I was tracing over the designs in my mind, falling deep in thought and not hearing what she was saying. I trailed up to her neck and could see the faintest dark mark from where my fingers dug into her throat. I swallowed hard. I don't know what had possessed me to give in to what she wanted. Choking wasn't something i had ever wanted to do yet she had somehow seduced me into it like some sort of vinyl clad succubus that had control over me with that little word she mistakenly (or not so mistakenly) uttered.

She looked back at me. “Did you hear me?”

“Huh? What?” I blinked and refocused on getting the straps of the harness loose. “Uh, what did you say?”

She pulled off the harness and took off her bra, sighing in relief. “I said i want to see some of your “meaningful stuff” since you said you're not always taking thirst trap pics and gym selfies.”

“Oh! Uh...i mean sure.” I handed her the hoodie which she slipped on before discarding the rest of her clothes and her boots. She looked much more cozy than before and i found myself preferring this look rather than her glammed up dominatrix gear. The sleeves of my hoodie were too long for her arms, dangling far past her small hands. She swung her arms a bit, wiggling her hips as she watched the excess fabric flop around. I couldn't help but laugh. “What the hell are you doing?”

She wiggled her arms out at me. “I don't know. They're so long on me it makes me think of an octopus.” She shrugged and became a little bit more reserved. “Sorry, i kinda do weird shit all the time.”

“Yeah, you definitely are weird that's for sure.”

“Tell me something I dont know.”

“I used to do this parrot impression for my mom when i was a kid.” I said.

“What in the fuck?” She laughed, covering half of her face with her sleeves as if to hide from second hand embarrassment.

“That's something you don't know but now you do. And i would show it to you but i don't think you deserve to see my great skill.”

“PLEASE, spare me. I don't want to hear you squawk like a parrot for the love of god.” She pawed at me with her hand as she stepped closer and set her head on my chest. I subconsciously wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled out my phone. I went to my photography Instagram and held it out for her to see.

“But anyway, parrot impression aside, here's my photography stuff. I mean it's not great or anything but...you know, i like it.”

She pushed the sleeves up her arms until her little hands were free and grabbed my phone, scrolling through my pictures. I felt my heartbeat increase with nervousness. I think i might've been scared to hear what she actually thought of my work; i guess i was putting value on her opinions and possibly wanting to...impress her? I was half prepared to hear that it all sucked but definitely not prepared for what she actually said.

“Johnny, you're so beautiful.”

I whipped my head towards her, stunned completely at those little words that i had never heard coupled together in my entire life. “W-what?” She angled my phone so i could see a self portrait i had done of me during the sunset. I thought it was a weak composition but for her to think that i was actually...beautiful? “It’s just...it's just a self portrait. I was just trying to experiment with lighting and-”

“You're beautiful, idiot. And talented. I love all of these.” She scrolled some more and almost let out a dreamy sigh. “This one...this one is perfect.” The new tile she had expanded was that of my eye filtering through the brightness of the sun and bringing out the kaleidoscope of colors my iris could make. Her cheeks looked a little warmer and i could have sworn she had let out a tiny giggle of pleasure.

“What? It's just my eye.”

“Yeah but your eyes are that perfect shade of brown that can do all sorts of things. I remember at the party right before you kissed me, the kitchen light reflected in them and they turned into a warm honey color and it was...um...nice. Sorry…” Her excitement seemed to die down and she handed my phone back to me. “I kinda made it weird…”

My palms were started to sweat again and i couldn't quite figure out how to respond. No one had ever talked about me or any of my features in that manner. I could say the same about her but currently my throat was turning into a knot. I pulled away from her and tossed my phone on my desk trying to focus on anything else. She padded over to my bed and sat down, keeping her distance and vow of silence. The only thing that interrupted it was the loud growl from her stomach. I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh. “I take it you’re hungry?”

“Well...It may have been like...6 hours since I actually ate at work.”

“Eri. Seriously?”

“Look, I had to start getting ready for the party. It takes me an hour and a half to look like this!” She circled her hand around her face that (though a little messed up now) had makeup caked on that made her look like some alternative Instagram model.

“Oh my god. Ok, can I interest you in a carpet picnic of-” I thought to what I had in my fridge. “A bunch of pizza rolls and french fries, a half bottle of bottom shelf whiskey, and some cigarettes that you entirely loathe but will smoke anyway?”

“Oh Johnny!” She giggled jokingly. “How utterly romantic. You know a way directly to my heart.”

I shrugged. “What can I say, i’m a charmer. I’m gonna put the pizza rolls in.”

“Uh, should I just stay in here?”

I shrugged. “Do whatever you want, babe.” I headed towards the kitchen and grabbed the giant bag of pizza rolls and fries from the freezer. I pulled a mostly clean baking sheet from the oven and dumped the food on it. I tried to remember when I even kept the shitty whiskey. I checked the fridge and thankfully it was way in the back behind some old chinese cartons and milk. I pulled it out and set it on the counter, finding some leftover plastic shot glasses I normally used for parties. Just as i was setting the food in the oven she joined me in the kitchen, hopping onto the counter and opening the whiskey.

She poured out two shots and held it out to me. “You need it.”

“I need to become an alcoholic to deal with all the shit im going through.” I chuckled. We held up the glasses up in a silent toast before tossing them back. She instantly poured us another one.

“Don't become an alcoholic. I'm already the alcoholic in this relationship. You're the delinquent drug user and nymphomaniac.”

“Excuse me. I am not a nympho. I can go without sex.”

“Wanna bet?” She smirked and tossed back another shot.

“No. I know i'd lose.”

“I know, that's why i want to. Since i'll win i can ask you to do a favor for me.”

“Oh no.” I protested already seeing that devilish look in her eye. “I don't trust you.”

“C'mooonnn. Dont be a chicken. I won't make it so bad. Let's see if you can last until tomorrow. I'll make it easy.�� She propositioned.

“Fine. I can do until tomorrow.” I drank my shot and set it down on the counter, rubbing my chest at the after burn.

Suddenly, Eri was caressing my face, guiding me towards her for a gentle kiss. “In all seriousness i'm glad you're okay after everything. Physically, i mean. I'm sure you're still working on the mentally.”

“I'll be fine, Eri. One day at a time, yeah?”

She nodded and hummed a little in agreement. My lips hovered over hers for a moment, hesitating before giving in. I wrapped my hand around hers, pulling it away from my face to entwine our fingers together. Our kiss was much more slower than before, so that way she wouldn't complain about me hurting her sore lip. Between our tongues tangling I could hear the soft moan of my name. I pulled away just a bit. “Hmm?”

“I could kiss you for hours.” She confessed, adding a gentle squeeze to my hand. I nodded against her, my breath speeding up as my heart thundered.

“That's for damn sure. You're always driving me crazy with those lips of yours.”

“I could say the same about you.” She sealed her statement with another kiss, driving us into another session unaffected by time and boredom. That was until i smelled the beginnings of something burning.

“Fuck!” I pulled away from her quickly and rushed to grab a pot holder. I opened the oven door and saw that the pizza rolls were getting a bit too brown but I was able to save them before they were little charcoal blocks. I took the whole pan out and set it on top of the stove to let it cool.

“Good job, chef.” Eri chuckled as she poked at me with her foot.

“Well, if I hadn't been distracted then maybe I could've taken them out in time.” I swatted at her foot gently, scrunching away when she continued her playful pokes. “I'm gonna beat your little ass.” I joked.

She jumped down from the counter and over my shoulder I could see her walking towards the couch. “Ooh, spank me, Daddy.” I could tell she was joking but the coy little look on her face told me she was still testing those forbidden awkward waters. I shook my head; this chick was ridiculous and I loved it. I grabbed some plates for us and loaded them up, tucking the bottle of whiskey under my arm as i balanced everything. I set the plates down on the coffee table and plopped down beside her in front of the couch.

“Wanna watch something?” I suggested.

She nodded. “Put a scary movie on or a serial killer documentary. It helps me fall asleep.” She ended her sentence with a yawn.

“You fall asleep to the sound of people getting murdered?”

“Yeah, doesn't everyone?” She laughed. “I’m just used to the sounds and the documentaries are soft spoken. It's nice background sounds.”

“Alright, weirdo.” I complied with her request, searching through my netflix for something she deemed interesting enough. We eventually settled on Friday the 13th and fell into a rhythm of eating, laughing at the terrible acting, and Eri telling me her favorite things about scary movies. It was almost stereotypical but she was absolutely adorable when she got so passionate about describing her favorite type of movie blood, murder weapon, and trope. Occasionally she would feed me a pizza roll or french fry and laugh when it was too hot and burned my tongue. Spending time like this, just hanging out without any craziness, parties, or people around us was amazing. She was becoming more than just a pretty face and a sex god. She was actually showing her personality. It was my turn to say that she was showing her humanity.

When the food was done and whiskey gone i realized that we were cuddled up together in front of the couch. I had gotten a blanket from my room to make sure she was warm enough and changed into some temporary pjs. Her eyelids were getting heavier and she was on the verge of completely passing out. “Eri, baby, you want to go to my bed?”

She perked her head up, sleepily. “No, no. We're watching the movie.”

“It's almost done.”

“Hmm, stay here.” She tugged on my shirt, keeping me close. I sighed and complied, even though my ass was starting to get sore from sitting on the floor all this time. I kissed the top of her head before sinking down so i could rest my head in her lap. It gave my back a break and my tailbone some room to breathe. Her fingers combed through my hair, pushing it back and scratching at my scalp every once in awhile. That in of itself was like a lullaby to me. I felt my eyes getting heavy and heard the soft hums of a song i half recognized. I set her other hand on my stomach, letting her fingers crawl underneath my tank top to rub at the skin there. This was amazing. Everything felt so warm and perfect and I thought I could finally sleep in peace.

But I was fucking wrong.

I don't know how long it took for me to slip into a panic. Flashes of Rixi and my past mistakes were dancing behind my fluttering eyelids and I tried to push them away. My breath was gone. All i could do was let out a harsh rasp as if something was choking the life out of me. My heart felt like it was going to explode any moment. The damn void surrounded me and swallowed me up, replaying my internal screams until i felt my body shake hard.

“Hey, hey! Johnny, baby, look at me. Are you ok?”

My eyes flew open and I shot up, trying to suck in air with heavy gasps. I felt sweat pouring down the sides of my face. I was trembling and couldn't control it. It finally clicked that I was at home and had been for a few hours. Eri was still beside me, complete fear staining her face. Her silhouette was surrounded by the light of the tv in an almost angelic halo. My heart continued to storm throughout my entire system and made my ears thunder. My breath still couldn't catch up with the rest of my body and it was a battle to try and focus on getting a single inhale. I could see her mouth moving but the words weren't registering. I tried clutching at her, screaming for her to help pull me out, but my limbs were dead and it felt like she was still out of my grasp no matter if I tried or not.

“Johnny! Look at me! I need you to focus!” I heard her snap her fingers as she turned my head towards her. Her voice was finally hitting my ear drums and I blinked a few times as I came out of my confused stupor. She set one of my hands over her heart. “Do you feel the way I’m breathing? I need you to do that with me right now.”

I looked down at my hand then back up at her, still unable to speak. Beneath my fingers her heart was beating a little fast but her breaths were much more steady than my own. She inhaled, holding it for a moment before letting it go. “With me Johnny, come on. In and out.” She repeated her steady breaths and I inhaled with her. A sharp pain swam through my chest but I forced myself through it to exhale. In and out, in and out, over and over until the weight lifted off my ribs. God, i wanted to cry. This one was so much worse then the ones i had nights before. It scared me shitless. I pulled away from Eri and tried to stand up. “Hey, take it easy. Relax for a second.” She said, grabbing a hold of my arm to keep me down beside her.

“Let me go.” I said, more sternly than I should have. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do or how to calm down. I shook off her grip on me and went to my room, spending my time pacing like a mad man. Eventually she made her way over to the doorway, waiting for me to acknowledge her.

“Johnny…” She said softly. I shook my head, not knowing what for. Did I need space? Did I want space from her? I shook out my hands nervously, continuing my pacing. She took a tentative step towards me and tried reaching out. “Hey, I can help you through this you know.”

“You don’t-” I took another breath. “You don’t know how this feels.” My voice was a shaky mess.

“Hah,” she scoffed. “Good assumption. Trust me. I’ve had panic attacks where I went unconscious and barely remember what happened. I know what it’s like to go through something as serious as this. But you’ve got too much going on in your body right now. If you don’t take a second to stop you are literally going to make things worse.”

“I know how my fuckin’ body reacts, okay?!” I yelled. She nodded solemnly and kept quiet. I was lashing out just because I never wanted anyone to see me have a night terror. I wasn’t ready for that level of vulnerability yet, especially not with my fuck buddy that I thought about constantly and wanted to save me from myself. It was layer after layer of toxic thoughts but I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to kick her out but at the same time I wanted her to stay. I wanted her against me, i wanted her voice to keep guiding me through this. I wanted to be inside her. I wanted to drink. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to be a destructive force and I had to stop. Please, I need it to stop. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, I know. Is it okay if I touch you or are you still hypersensitive?”

“Ye-yeah, it’s ok. I was just-”

“Confused, I know.” She stepped closer and grabbed onto me, gently pushing me towards the bed. I sat on the edge, my leg bouncing furiously. She took my face in her hands and guided me to look in her eyes. “I’m right here. I’m staying right here. Do you know what you need?”

“Can you get the weed out my drawer?”

“I don’t think that may be best right now.” She said.

“I literally smoke it for anxiety.”

“Yeah but...no offense- actually kind of full offense- you’re broke. You don’t get good stuff or medicinal quality shit. It’s honestly just a coping mechanism like your regular cigarettes are at this point. If you smoke enough you could probably trip but i feel like it’s going to fuck up your system. We can lay down together instead.”

“No. I’ll just get it myself.” I stood up, still unable to stay in one place for long, but she kept her small frame in front of me in hopes of blocking my every move. “Eri, move.”

“Johnny, please just hear me out-”

“Move!”

She set the sweater sleeves over her face, hiding from me completely. She finally stepped away and I could hear her small sniffles. Guilt was riddling my stomach as I went to my drawer and got out the cigarette case that held all my blunts. I lit one up, taking in a deep exhale and holding it in until it burned. “I hate seeing you like this…” She whispered.

“Yeah, well I fuckin’ hate being like this, but here we are. You can leave if you want to. Nothing’s keeping you here, especially if you don’t like what I’m doing.”

“I don’t...you need someone. I’m okay with being that someone.”

“I don’t need anyone.”

“That’s the problem in the first place Johnny. You’re closing yourself off. You have moments when you let people in but not enough for anyone to truly help you.”

“Maybe I don’t want help.” I lied.

“You do. I know you do. I know I can’t break that wall down in a day but you can trust me to be right here.”

I took another hit and kept my back towards her. We stayed in silence for a bit more while I mulled over her words. I knew what she was doing was exactly what I needed, but my defense mechanism to block out everyone was in overdrive. She was never supposed to see me this weak. No one was. I rested my elbows on top of my dressed and cradled my head in my hands. I could feel a tension headache surmounting in the back of my skull making my head pound. The shaking in my hands continued even as I puffed away. When one was done, I lit another without a moment in between, stuffing my almost full ashtray even more. Soon enough I felt her fingers grace my shoulders. The way she looked at me had me hating myself. “I don’t know what I want Eri.” My voice cracked and I took a smaller hit, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She stood on her tiptoes, slowly moving her hands up my chest until they wrapped around my neck. I set the blunt in the ashtray and turned towards her fully setting my hands underneath her ass to pull her against me more. She kissed me then, drawn out and cautious, letting the reminder of smoke i held in flow into her mouth. Her tongue drew mines out, sucking on it deeply as her fingers danced at the nape of my neck. “This isn't good for you either.” She gasped in between the few moments of our lips parting.

“What do you mean?”

“Me.”

“You are. You're good. Too damn good for me.” I pressed my forehead against hers and begged for another kiss. She kept herself at bay, shaking her head as she moved to cup my neck.

“We shouldn't do this. It's not healthy.”

“Coming from someone who drinks and parties her problems away, i don't think either of us are fuckin’ healthy right now.”

“I try not to…” She whimpered and I realized it might have stung more than I intended. “But that's why I said I understand everything. We go through the same shit. We know when things are wrong but-”

“We keep doing them. Every time, i come back to you.”

“Yeah…” Her hand caressed my face now, her eyes flowing up towards mine to reflect every ounce of hurt I felt. “Why is fucking our solution to everything?”

I closed my eyes and grabbed a firm hold of her ass to pull her up around my waist. She wrapped her bare legs around me, squeezing me to the warmth between her thighs. I swallowed hard. “Because, nothing feels better than drowning in someone rather than dealing with pain and heartache.”

“I just want to help. I just want to make you feel better, John…” She buried her face in my neck, gripping onto me like she was going to lose me then and I led her to my bed, laying her down gently. “I don't know how else to do it, Johnny. Tell me.”

“You. Give me you.” I exhaled and pressed myself harder against her, keeping her legs wrapped around me tight. I got lost in her lips again while my hands grabbed and caressed everything I could. Her chest filled up my palm and I kneaded her breast with everlasting attention. Her tiny and barely audible moans coated my tongue as she sucked it into her mouth. My brows furrowed and i ground my hips into her center letting her know that it was exactly what I wanted. Though she looked so perfect in my hoodie I needed it off her. I reluctantly left her breast and slid my hand under the fabric, shoving it towards her shoulders. She wiggled her arms free before pulling me back down to her again. My lips covered her neck this time, flowing over the imprint I had left behind earlier.

Meanwhile, she was exploring the expanse of my back, her hands creeping lower until she grabbed my ass. The thin fabric between wasn't enough to keep her warmth or wetness away from me. If anything it drew me in more, as if i was under a spell and needed to feel how i felt just hours before. My body tensed in anticipation and i could feel myself stirring again with renewed vigor. “Let me take care of you, yeah?” She ran her fingers through my hair again, her voice a sweet invitation to pleasure. I nodded eagerly, ready to feel any and every inch of her skin against mine. She gripped my hair and used the force in her thighs to push me down on the bed, switching our positions so she was on top. I sucked in a breath, biting my lip as I watched every move she made. My hands moved on their own accord, sliding over her thighs and grabbing a hold of the waistband of her panties. I gave her a little tug, making her fall forwards onto my chest. She planted her hand beside my head, steadying herself a bit. “You need to let me do this for you.”

“I'm letting you.” I whispered, truly believing that she was in control but she shook her head at me, snubbing me as a liar.

“No, you're not. Relax, Johnny. Don't you think i know how to treat my man?” My eyes widened at her words and my body stiffened as her lips trailed a fiery path down my throat towards my chest. I was trying to form a response but my brain faded as soon as I felt her nails drag down my ribs and her tongue flash over my nipple. I couldn’t help the curses I whispered or the fact that my hand gripped the back of her head, planting her there. The way her tongue and teeth ran over that sensitive area had me throbbing and arching towards her body. Her nails eased down from my ribs over to my stomach until they reached my pants. She pulled away from me and shuffled herself off the bed to pull them off. I lifted my hips to help her and tossed away my tank top, feeling a bit more free and less suffocated.

“What about those?” I motioned towards the simple black thong she had on. I wanted to see her again, especially as I thrusted inside her.

She shook her head. “Be patient.” She pressed herself onto her knees and spread my thighs a bit wider. I shuffled up more on the bed giving her a bit more room to comfortably stay between my legs and suck me down. My head rested back against my pillow as her lips sealed around my cock, sliding down my shaft and covering my veins in her tongue. She was driving strangled pants out of me already and I couldn't help but dig my hand into her curls again. Her hands rubbed my inner thighs, spreading warmth over them before maneuvering down to cup my balls. Her thumb rolled over each one, adding pressure every so often as her cheeks started to hollow out around as much as she could handle. I licked my lips and tried to keep as quiet as I could but this was bliss.

She popped off my cock and planted kisses to the underside of my shaft. Her mouth went lower and her tongue traced the same pattern her thumbs had across my balls. One after the other she took them into her warm wet heat and I pulled at her hair hard, wanting to fill her mouth entirely. She whimpered, the small timbre making me shudder and ease out her name within a groan. “Fuck...Eri…”

I wasn't even looking down at her but I could feel those dark eyes on me, watching my every breath and tense of my muscles. My hips could only try and press up towards her lips though she denied that satisfaction. She moved even lower, kissing and adding heated kitten licks to the sensitive area behind my balls. My body shot up, my legs tensing completely. She looked up at me innocently enough, her ass poised in the air and lips glistening. “Relax, it feels good. Trust me.”

“What is it?” I swallowed thickly.

She smirked and almost giggled. “Don’t worry.” She set her hand on my chest and pushed me back down onto the mattress while her other fingers danced across that sensitive patch of skin she had discovered. My thighs almost bucked closed but she made sure she could keep them open. She kept her place between them, taking me in her mouth again. The combination of her teasing and deep sucks made me cover my mouth to shield any loud moans from escaping. My other hand left her hair to clutch at the sheets beside me, trembling as I fisted them tight. Her tongue slid over my slit, dipping in and drawing out the bit of pre cum already leaking. I felt a throb straight through my length. It made my toes curl and my back arch a bit. I could feel my orgasm approaching and I didn’t want it to end just yet.

“Eri!”

She jumped up, licking her lips and looking at me wide eyed. “W-what?”

“N-not...um, not yet.”

She smiled and crawled her way up to my face. “Don’t worry, you’ll be inside me when you do.”

“F-fuck…” I shuddered at her words and kissed her hard, letting her wrap her delicate fingers around me and give a few pulls to my already heated and sensitive cock. I set my hand on her ass, grabbing a hold of her stupid panties and tearing at them. “N-need...now.”

She wiggled out of them, kicking them off her ankle before beckoning me on top of her. Her wish was my command and soon enough I was looking down at her as her lip stayed trapped between her teeth and she guided me in. “Slow,” She whispered. “I’m still a bit sore from earlier.”

I nodded and sunk into her heated depths. I loved the way she wrapped around me, suffocated me, letting me go as deep as I could. I set my head beside hers on the pillow, adding small kisses to her shoulder and collar bone. I heard her wince as I started my first thrust, making me stop. “Sssh, daddy’s got you.” Wait, whoa fuck. I pressed my lips together, my body frozen. Shit, i really said that. But Eri didn’t seem at all embarrassed unlike I was. Instead, she wrapped her arms under my own, spreading her fingers across my shoulder blades as she held on. If she wasn’t going to acknowledge it then I would pretend it never happened either.

“Keep going…” She said. “Please…”

This was what she wanted then. She liked what i had said and the fact that I needed her this much. Maybe she needed me as much as I needed her. Maybe we were made for each other. I shook my head and sunk my teeth into her shoulder, her pained whimper filling my ear. I kept my thrusts slow and steady even though i wanted to fuck all these intrusive thoughts away. I didn't have time to think about this. It's just a fuck, Johnny. A fuck you need to put your mind at ease and get back to sleep. It's...it's just a…

My need to tear through her at a fast pace dwindled as i realized how much the gentleness was worth it. I pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her, amazed by how fucking stunning she was. Her full lips were pouted open just enough to let the softest of mewls fill the space between us. Her hair spread across the pillows like a crown of amethyst and her beautifully rich skin glowed with a pink flush. Though her makeup was a mess she still seemed...beautiful. I was thankful her eyes were closed because she wouldn't be able to see the shock on my face. God, my head was swimming and she was devouring me. I was only getting weaker against her and she was everything I wanted.

“It's ok now,” she cooed once she felt my body pause. Her knee slipped from around my waist towards my ribs letting me sink in almost to the hilt. “You can go a little faster.”

“I don't want to hurt you.” I finally said. My voice was trembling.

She shook her head. “It won't now, baby. Trust me. I want to feel you cum.”

“I-inside?”

She buried her face against my shoulder and I could barely make out her whisper. “Just cum, okay?”

I nodded and finally sped up my thrusts getting a bit more relief than when i was going slow and feeling every painstakingly good thing about her. Her sweet little moans were driving me crazy and i kissed her again just to try and keep her quiet. I buried my fingers in her hair, forcing her head to stay close. I was afraid now, more than ever. Sometimes fear was just a reflection of what we truly desired and i was afraid of the love she was giving me. The tenderness, the worry, the support, the protection. It was all I ever wanted and now that I had it i didnt know what to do with it but push it away. The insecure thoughts in my mind reminded me that I wasn't going to be able to escape this feeling. It was solidified when my lips pulled from hers and I could see her head tossed back against the pillows. Her body was arched perfectly against me as if we were molded together. My name was the only thing she could say beside ‘please’ and it brought me closer to finishing. My hand gripped the edge of the mattress and i used the leverage to fuck her harder.

She stretched around me, her nails digging fast tracks into my skin. I knew I was close but I wanted to spend every last moment up until the end inside her. Her muscles were flexing around me making my breath fade into non existence. My body tensed and melted at the same time and i managed to slide away from her warmth. I couldn't help the groan i let out as spurt after spurt painted her inner thighs and heated center. I kept my hold on the mattress so tight I was sure my knuckles were going white. It took a few minutes for me to ground myself and fully relax. I settled my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat echo in my ears. “You ok?” She whispered.

No. On a lot of levels I was not. Even now that I had worked out some of the anxiety that sent my body into a hyper fit I still wasn't okay. I didn't know how to express that to her exactly especially since part of the reason that I wasn't okay was because i realized all too late that I may feel something deeper for her than I had ever imagined. The sex was supposed to be a cure all but now it just made me want to hide. It was too intimate and real way too fast. Why don't i ever listen to the rational side of my brain?

“Johnny?”

“What?” I grumbled, mad at myself.

She kissed the top of my head and wrapped her hand around mine. “If you can't sleep or don’t want to I’ll stay up with you.”

I sighed and rolled off her, rubbing both my hands across my face. “Nah, it’s chill. Go to sleep. I’ll be fine or whatever.”

“You don’t sound fine.” She said sadly.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Wow, great. As if anything good ever came from that sentence being uttered between two people.”

“I’m serious, my heads just still all fucked up. Thinking about a lot of shit still.”

“I know I could tell...butttt you seemed pretty eager to fuck me again. Especially now that im covered in your cum.”

I couldn't help but laugh a bit. “I'm always eager to fuck you.” I admitted.

“Well duh. I'm great in the sack.” She cuddled against me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I was kicking myself the entire time but there was a bigger voice saying fuck it. Fuck the complicated ass feelings. If you could be happy for one night, one day, then do it. I deserved it. I'm going back to having fun.

“You didn't cum.” I said suddenly with my newfound realization and motivation.

She kissed my neck this time. “Don't care. It was about you, daddy.”

That damn word again. I hadn't even had a chance to relax and I was getting worked up again. “I care. I want you to feel good too. I was being kind of selfish.”

She shook her head. “I'm telling you, you did exactly what I wanted. I wanted you inside me and I wanted you to cum and feel good.”

“Get on top of me.” I commanded.

“Johnny you seriously-”

“Princess, do you think i'm joking? Get on top of me.”

Her cheeks flared up again and her mouth hung open a little. “I...um...o-okay.” She kept her head low as she crawled back over my hips.

“Fuck yourself on me. Now.”

“You sure? I-i mean, you just came so like...you'll be really sensitive and -Ah!!” I cut off her sentence with a slap to her thigh.

“Do it, Eri. I’m over these fucking feelings eating me up and I’ll be damned if it keeps happening and ruining my time with you-with anyone.”

She let out a cute whimper and lifted her hips up a bit. She guided my still mostly hard cock towards her entrance and sunk down slowly. I hissed harshly, squeezing my eyes shut tight as her body completely overwhelmed my sensitivity. I had never felt anything like this before. She hadn’t even started moving and I already felt like I was going to cum again. I tried to steady my breathing that was building rapidly. It almost felt as intense as my anxiety attack but this was one hell of a way for my body to react. I clawed at her hips, leaving my own marks behind as she began working her ass against me. This was exactly what I needed. My mind was a fucked out mess, only being able to concentrate on how good she felt instead of everything else and my body couldn’t keep up.

We were getting lost in each other and it seemed never ending. A rough grind here, a thrust there, our hands never straying away from one another. Her neck disappeared in my palm and she pressed her thumb against my throat testing the waters of my shaking frame. She was practically saying my new found title like a prayer, over and over as if it was going to tether her to some holy plane. I could barely manage any sounds. My voice was nonexistent though I wanted to scream for her. I wanted her to know that i was losing myself and never wanted to resurface. Her thighs quivered then, her tiny fingers clutching at my neck tighter.

Her moans were becoming rougher and more staggered until she finally came like i wanted. She fell forward onto me, burying her face in my chest as small shivers went throughout her system. It was enough to make my body react, reaching another orgasm that shocked the hell out of me. I had never got off more than once in such a short time frame. It was more intense and a bit longer than before and fuck it felt amazing. I didnt know i was even capable of doing that. “H-holy fuck…” i finally managed to say. “Eri, what the fuck did you do to me?”

She was so deep in my chest that her voice was muffled. “I'm guessing you found out that guys can have multiple orgasms without cumming, huh?”

“Oh my god...since when?”

She snorted. “It takes some practice and getting used to but it's possible. They don't teach you that shit in sex ed.”

I pushed my hair back and wiped at the sweat across my forehead. “Jesus…”

“Welcome to my,” her sentence was interrupted with a yawn. “World.”

I kissed her forehead and set my arms around her shoulder as i tried to process everything that happened between us. “Sleep, ok?”

“‘M sticky…” she mumbled.

Right. Fuck. My body felt like a sack of bricks but i parted from her gently and slowly worked my way to the bathroom, grabbing my towel from the back of my door. The apartment was still quiet and the automatic timer on the tv had shut it off leaving everything is darkness. I didn't even know if Jae had come home. I'd have to check my phone to see if he had texted me at some point. I managed to not trip on anything getting to the bathroom sink and wet the towel. Briefly i looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was sticking up in random places, lipstick smeared on my mouth and neck, and my eyes red. I splashed some water on my face and washed away the lipstick before heading back to my room.

Eri was splayed out in bed, her chest rising and falling gently. I realized she had already fallen asleep. I smiled as I took in her soft features and the way her lips pouted ever so slightly. I didn't want to disturb her so i cleaned her up as best as I could, ridding her of my leftover cum. When i was satisfied with my own cleanup i dove back into bed, setting my arm around her waist. I was afraid of falling back asleep but as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out, faded, satiated, and reminiscing on feelings I shouldn't be having.

When I woke up it was already later in the evening. My body was still sore and tired but also starving. My hunger got the best of me and I needed something soon. I rubbed at my eyes, blinking a few times to see that Eri was still being my little spoon. I pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades and sighed contently. I felt...good. Like really good. Like a fog had been lifted from my mind. For the first time in a month i felt like I could breathe easier and was happy to be alive. This was exactly what i needed. I tried sitting up a bit so i could prepare myself to start functioning but I noticed I was trapped inside her.

When the hell did that happen?

I dont remember us fooling around after we passed out, let alone getting hard enough again to stay inside her. Her warmth feel so good, even better when she shifted and backed herself up against me more. A soft sigh fell from her lips and I wondered if I should finish whatever the hell I had started. No. If i did she would keep me in this bed all damn day and I'd never get anything done. Slowly, I parted from her, biting my lip at the heated wetness that coated my cock still. I could grab a quick shower and take care of it then. I left her in bed and went about getting a shower (and jerk off session) in, scrubbing away a day and a half's worth of sweat and sex. I got on a fresh pair of pj pants and popped in my airpods, putting on my spotify list and heading to the kitchen.

There was about a half dozen texts from Jae and the group chat had blown up with about 50 messages, mostly from Yuta. Afterall he was there right in the thick of it and apparently was arguing with T.Y. for kicking Eri out. I didn't want to think about that now and only answered Jae letting him know that I was at the apartment. I worked through the fridge, getting what wasn't spoiled and remotely related to breakfast food out to start cooking. The music hit me as i was beating some eggs and i started dancing and singing along. I was enjoying it way too much and it was the best feeling ever.

In the middle of turning my omelet over I felt hands slide over my hip bones, resting beneath the band of my pajamas pants. Looking over my shoulder i could see Eri pressed into my back nuzzling against my skin. I set my omelet on a plate and popped out an airpod. I turned around and grabbed her waist, keeping her against me. She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck making us press our forehead together. I was still grooving to the music, making her sway with me as she giggled. “What’s gotten into you this morning-afternoon-thing?”

“Don’t know,” I hummed a bit. “Just don’t feel as shitty right now.”

“Ohh, aren’t those less depression days nice? Makes you not feel like dying as much.”

I nodded and closed my eyes, just liking the way she felt against me. “Oh baby, maybe it's that look in your eyes. They been telling me she wanna leave. She's been dancing with the devil all night. it's like Hell is where she wanna be…” My own little concert was cut short when i felt her hit my chest hard. “Ouch, what the hell?!”

“You never told me you could sing you-you-stupid hot bastard!” She exclaimed.

“Oh...I’m more than just a dick you know.”

“EXCUSE?! You of all people saying that! I should hit you again!”

“Please don’t.”

“Oh, fuck...oh my god. I didn’t mean-”

“I know.” I shrugged. “But I was joking, mostly. Just kinda feeling the song you know? Been listening to it on repeat and I finally feel good about music again.” I said.

“Will you sing for me some more?”

“Only if you’ll sing for me.”

“Well,” She laughed. “If you want me to scream in your face I will most certainly do that. But that’s all you get from me.”

“Oh right, your emo-screamo-twig bands. Serenade me with your lyrics about death and stabbing and going against the man.”

“As long as you serenade me about taking drugs and fucking girls because ‘i’m into it’.”

I leaned back against the counter, smirking a bit. “You listen to them too?”

“I listen to a lot of things.” She stood on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss. “I’m more than just a dick you know.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “You’re fucking weird.” I grabbed her ass that I loved so much and pulled her up for a deeper kiss. She wasted no time sliding my tongue past my teeth and I could taste the fresh mintiness of my mouthwash on her. I slid my hands up my hoodie she had put on again, exposing her ass completely and about ready to fuck her on the counter, food forgotten. That was until i heard a throat clear behind us.

Eri and I separated and adjusted ourselves before turning around to see Quinn standing in the kitchen. “Well sorry to interrupt you guys tongue fucking each other's mouths but now that you're up I can finally give Eri their phone.”

“My-? Fuck, i didn't even notice! Where was it?” Eri said.

“You left it in Taeyong's bathroom. After the kinda fight thing happened and you left, Jae and I were worried about where you and Johnny might have gone off too. I luckily found it when i was trying to call you.” She handed it over to Eri. “We got to and realized that you the apartment around 3 am and realized you guys were here because of all the ‘oh daddy’, ‘daddy, yes! Please!’ getting screamed.”

Eri and I both stood up straighter, our faces crimson and heated. “I-i...i dont know what you're talking about!” Eri tried to lie.

“Don't bother trying to cover it up. You're getting louder, Eri.”

Eri hit Quinn with the fabric of the hoodie sleeve, making Quinn laugh amidst her incessant teasing. I didn't realize that we could be heard fucking. It wasn't something i was really used to with Eri. I could handle people hearing us moan but definitely not her saying...that. I didn't want people to know about that part of us just yet-or even at all. It was way too private. “I'm gonna kill you, Quinn, I swear it!” Eri exclaimed.

“Don't get so touchy! It was kinda hot listening to you guys.”

“You listened?!” I said. “What the hell, Quinn?!”

She just shrugged. “Ya’ll were being loud! Not like I had a choice! Anyway, Eri, Yuta has been blowing up your phone so you should check in with him. And Mama Doyoung wants to talk to you asap.”

“Fuck.” Eri whispered. “Doyoung is gonna kill me. Shit, I have to call him right now.”

“Why would Doyoung kill you?” I asked.

“It’s...nevermind. I may have to go see him.”

“Oh, also, one more thing.” Quinn started. “Jae and I are going to get boba this week.”

“I love boba!” Eri interrupted.

“I know. That’s why you and Johnny are going on a double date with us.”

“Whoa, wait what?!” I couldn’t help that my voice went up a few levels. “I dont- we are not dating or going out on dates!”

“Uh- huh so anyway, if ya’ll aren’t working Wednesday, we’re going then.”

Eri looked at Quinn then at me. “Uh...um...well...it’s not like a date-date, right? Friends get boba all the time. We get boba with Lucas and Yuta! Those aren’t dates.”

“Ok, whatever you wanna say. We’re going on a double date. So like be ready. I’m gonna go back to bed. I’m too tired.” Quinn gave Eri a kiss that lasted a little bit longer than I preferred. “Let me know how it goes with Doyoung, ok?”

Eri sighed and let Quinn leave, watching as she closed to door to Jae’s room before turning to me. “I’m so sorry. Quinn gets weird when they’re cranky and tired, ignore that. We’re not going on a date.”

I stayed quiet for a moment. “Do you always let Quinn kiss you like that?”

“Uh, what? Well, like...for the most part. Why?”

“Hmm.” My hands gripped tighter around the edge of the counter. Was I actually jealous or was Quinn just annoying me as usual? Eri looked up at me as I spaced out in my thoughts.

“Do you...not like that or something?”

“I mean, you can do whatever you want with your life. Go see Doyoung or whatever too.”

“Johnny, are you jealous?” She asked.

“Why would I be? You got shit to do, it’s fine.”

She cupped my face in her hand and made me look at her even though I didn’t want to.

“I’ll come back if I can, ok? Maybe…” She kissed my neck and trailed the kisses up to my ear. “We can sleep with you inside me again? Like this morning?”

I bit my lip, hating how good that sounded. There was no reason for me to feel all kinds of weird jealousy. I knew I fuckin’ had her in the palm of my hand. “Yeah...yeah, babe. Sounds good.”

She gave me a small bite beneath my jaw. I could feel the mark she was leaving behind already surfacing. I winced for a second before nudging my head away. “I’ll try and be quick okay?”

I just nodded and turned back to my omelet, grabbing a fork to stab into it. Eri went back to my room, probably to gather her discarded halloween outfit. I noticed she was keeping my hoodie on with her skirt and thigh highs instead of all the straps and shit she wore. She didn’t say anything about borrowing it or even about asking to keep it and neither did I. When she got to the door she gave me a little wave and before she left I called out to her.

“Hey, Eri?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll go on that date with you.”

Eri’s Pov

I got home and showered so I didn't completely smell like weed, body spray and sex before I went to go see Doyoung. I was so tired and worn out. I felt like my whole damn uterus was about to fall out and i was all kinds of fucked up over Johnny. He was doing shit to me that I never thought was possible. I set my head against the shower wall and sighed, letting the hot water run over me. The scratches he left behind were a little bit deeper than i thought and stung under the spray. I didn't want Doyoung to see any of the marks I had since i was almost 1000% sure he was going to grill me about Johnny. I sighed as i stepped out and dried myself off. I didn't have time to deep condition my hair so it was about to be on the hot mess express and not be ready for work tomorrow. I tied it up in a bun and went to my room to pull on some fresh clothes. I looked over at Johnny's hoodie that remained discarded on my bed and bit my lip as i pulled it close. I hugged it to my chest and nuzzled the hood, taking in the smell of it. It was just like his flannel that day, warm and musky. The cologne was faded and more so smelled like him. It was perfect. Maybe when I went back to see him I would give him the flannel. After I washed it it started smelling like springtime freshness instead of him.

I pulled the hoodie on, realizing I didn't have that much time to spare. I texted Doyoung that I was on my way and left for my car. When i got to his tiny dorm room he yanked me and almost threw me on his bed. “1. What the hell, you haven't talked to me in forever!” I went to reply but he cut me off. “2. What is going on with you, Eri? I'm hearing all this shit about you and I don't even know what's up from down! 3. Did i or did I not say DONT hook up with Johnny?!”

I sighed and flopped on the bed. “Hello to you too, Doyoung.”

“Eri. Start talking.”

I told him almost everything; the hookup at the party, how we have class together, when we fucked in the bathroom, the racist prick at the beach, the bumper car, how gentle Johnny could be and that he had bad things happen to him that he didn't deserve. I didn't go into specifics about Johnny's assault or anxiety attacks; it wasn't my place to do so and I would never betray his trust like that. “He can be an asshole sometimes but he...he has a lot going on.”

“So that justifies his behaviors?”

“Of course not! I'm just saying...he isn't all bad. You cant judge someone for sleeping around when I do the same and you care about me.”

“I know that Eri.” Doyoung sighed and sat beside me. “I worry about you. I heard about a fight at Taeyongs party?”

“It wasn't a fight, but trust me I was ready to take my gauges out and end her. What happened was that this girl, this….monster, she was-” I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “She was just not a good person and I had to help Johnny get away from her.”

“Get away from her? What do you mean?”

“There's things that I can't talk about. They aren't my place to talk about. He trusted me with these things and-and all you need to know is that I would've probably gone to jail for him.”

“Oh my god Eri…”

“What?”

“You're in love with him.”

I shot up from the bed. “KIM DOYOUNG WHAT THE HELL?”

“It makes sense now. The way you guys acted at the beach, when you, unfortunately, described in detail how you guys hooked up, and now you wanting to protect him? And-” he looked at my phone as a notification came in. “Who is Heart-Heart-Big Dick Daddy-Heart-Heart?”

“What?” I looked down and unlocked my phone. When i opened the message it was a picture of Johnny with the edge of my panties between his teeth. The accompanying message was ‘forgot something?😏’. My entire face lit up and i realized Doyoung had seen it to.

“Ya'll are nasty.” He stated flatly.

“I-! It was Quinn! They took my phone because i left it at the party! His name was Johnny in the contacts before!”

“And your underwear in his mouth is-?”

I stood quiet for a moment. “Ok, we know I make bad decisions, it's not rocket science. However, i am not in love with him. I can't. I won't ever be. You know that I can't.”

“Eri, that was literally almost three years ago. It was a mistake but it doesn't automatically prohibit you from ever being capable of falling in love again.”

“It does, Doyoung because I know that I fucked up and i can never take that back. I can't risk hurting anyone again and have it on my conscious. It already haunts me every day.”

“You need to stop letting it eat at you. What happened with Jungwoo could've happened with anyone.”

“Yeah but I picked the sweetest boy in the entire world to hurt. He didn't deserve it. And i don't deserve to have someone like that in my life again.”

Doyoung sighed. “Stop thinking that way. Making a mistake doesn't make you worthless. Besides you need to face the truth if that’s what's going on now. As much as i don't approve of him, you need to come to terms with the fact that you feel something for him. It's written all over your face.”

“It is not! Please stop saying that! It's not true! It's not!” I could feel my heart clench as my breath stuttered in my lungs. The thought of love sent me into a panic. It made me think of how I ran away from it all. The pain, the doubt, the fear. It was hitting me all at once again and attacking me like some sort of monster. I felt Doyoung wrap his arms around me and set my head on his chest. His chin rested on the top of my head.

“Eri, please. It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to close yourself shut. You have love for so many people. You have the biggest heart and are always the first to protect us over anything. You have the ability to love wholeheartedly. Why is that so scary?”

“I'm not worth it...and i know you're going to tell me I am but i'm not. Before Jungwoo, my ex in high school who I spent years together with lied to my face about loving me. She said she never did the whole time we were together, Then i get to college, meet Jungwoo and became no better than her.”

“That's not true. You did love him you just…” he sighed. “I don't know how else to make you see that you deserve to be happy. Do you really care about Johnny?”

I sniffled and nodded my head silently.

“And he trusted you to reveal of whatever happened to him. He let you seem him in a state of vulnerability, right?”

I nodded again.

“Well i'm glad he has some fucking semblance of humanity and isn't just a regular fuck boy.” Doyoung kissed the top of my head. “I want you to know that I'll protect you too, ok? If he ever so much as hurts you then he'll be dead. Also if he does care about you then i don't want you to be afraid anymore. You have to face it some day and it may be sooner than you think.”

I buried my face in his chest as the beginning tears started falling. Fuck, if he wasn't right. I was still running away from things that I hadn't been able to get over. If this went any farther with Johnny would I end up hurting him too? He was the last person that deserved any more hurt. I wanted to see him smile more, dance more, sing more, have fun cooking and goofing off. I wanted us to share thousands of kisses and feel the way his heart beat beneath my fingers when I curled up against him. I wanted to be the one to support him and bring that smile to his face. I couldn't cure his depression or anxiety but I wanted to be maybe the tiniest glimmer of hope he had in knowing that he wasn't alone. We were two imperfect asteroids and when we collided sparks flew within our little galaxy and made waves of colors that represented our feelings for one another. What feelings were we even having anyway? Was it all one sided? That was another fear I couldn't face just yet. What if all this time, as i was tearing my wall down to let him in, he never felt anything at all for me. I could still probably be some hook up to him, something meaningless and unworthy as usual.

I couldn't help that I was crying harder and Doyoung didn't question any of it. He let me have my time knowing that this ate me alive and destroyed me. It was my biggest weakness and regret all compiled into one and spread like weeds to anything new I tried to let into my life. Worst of all, in the pit of my heart I knew that he was absolutely right. I was falling in love with Johnny.

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abloomingperiod · 5 years ago

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junmyeon as a bf

the softest of the softies

kim junmyeon is an old-fashioned guy

and i’m not saying that in terms of being conservative or anything, ‘cuz i really hope he isn’t

i mean in the sense of love

like you know that kind of person who dreams the whole picture

he dates for a reason

unlike other members, junmyeon isn’t the type to not think about the future

being a leader makes you like that

but this gets less harsh on him when u arrive in his life

yk that whole romantic comedy movie where a guy runs into someone and it’s this beautiful woman with the biggest smile and they fall for each other and shit

well.......not exactly your case

he indeed ran into you with an iced tea in hands

except you didn’t smile at him

you basically screamed “SHIT IM SORRY ILL PAY U BACK”

he got so flustered w your reaction like

this really pretty girl just offered me some iced tea”

he was all like nonononononoooo don’t say that it’s fine don’t worry aha

you kept insisting but were late for work so you made him promise to come back to that bakery the day after bcs he WOULD be paid back no matter wHAT

he didn’t feel the need butyou were cute and he wasn’t with a thick schedule so why not right

so yeah ofc prince suho showed up

the next day he entered the place and saw you

you were so pretty watching you crinkling your nose over the hot coffee in your hands was already a payback

a cute one

cmon he’s cringey give him a chance

you bowed at each other and he realized you didn’t mention for Once between the whole minute after the accident and his arrival abt his name or profession as an idol

which for him

was nice

not a big deal, but nice

after you gave him his iced tea he was so polite you actually smiled bcs ajshskjsks cute ?

and then you started talking for a while

you introduced yourself, told him abt your dream to become a writer someday and he !!!!!

okay junmyeon easy on the hearbeats you got it

he just thought of this as such a COOL dream

writing for a living

now he was like this pretty girl... is a poet

i know

lame

but he’s adorable so who cares tbh

he talked to u abt being an idol and how was the position of the leader

you listened to every word and even though you lost a fee of them along with the honey like voice and puffy cheeks of his, you loved hearing abt it

after like 2 hours he had to go bcs schedule

but before you parted your way you had to go to the bathroom

when you went pay for your payback iced tea, you hear a waiter asking “mrs y/n? i believe that for you”

no shit there was the waiter holding a cappuccino

you got like Dude. there must’ve been a mist-

you turn the cup and there it is:

“for y/n

i loved the iced tea but since my goodbyes were a little earlier i most definitely own you a payback too. how abt sushi? xx” and the waiter hands you a note with his name and number

and that’s how you started seeing each other

jun is a quiet person so he won’t be like vocal abt developing a crush on you more and more

it would b like

you guys would hang out sometimes

and little by little he would catch himself getting the heart eyes

like you’re at a coffe shop

you would get passionate talking about some movie or song and suddenly there’s a drop of coffee on the side of your lip. you didn’t notice but he did but he thought you looked so cute popping off about ur favorite music he would just sit there like,,, 💖nvm💖

and with those little stuff he would catch himself thinking yup they’re gonna b mine

so one day he went like soooo maybe i’m catching feelings i didn’t know this was happening sorry??? so i think u should know that bcs it’s abt u... i’m fancied by u i didn’t mean it to happen

like straight up he APOLOGIZED

FOR LIKING U

you were like goshkjsjksj so cute

and decided to play w him a little

“so you don’t want to like me” “NONONOOO THATS NOT WHAT I MEA-” “jk i got it i really like you too and maybe we could kiss to see what happens”

he combusted

so yeah you’re dating that’s what happened

so caring literally sO CARING

calls you on a daily basis when he’s away to talk abt the weather the boys his breakfast how much he misses you how he saw those flowers outside and it reminded of you or how he will bring you to that country when it’s vacations

he’s such a husband material fuck me

keeps notes of things you like so he can hit the high score on important dates

talking abt dates

fancy

i mean he’s bourgeoisie ofc it’s fancy

such a lovely boyfriend i’m actually sad

jun is restaurants with low lights, candles, roses and holding your hand while talking about how he never seemed to figure out the food app to find a cool place to go to so he just asked chanyeol with a pout on his lips

“you’re such an old man” “i’m simple it’s different”

on your 1 year anniversary he took you to a boat ride on a lake witha guy playing violin and wine and cheese waiting for you

simple my ass

keeps bringing coffee and flowers for you every friday night you get together bcs it’s your “tiny vacations” as he calls it

on weekends with you the only ppl he answers is either manager or a serious question from the boys/his family

and it’s always a short “yes” or “no” or “👍🏻”

fuck it he’s with his baby leave him alone

loves cooking with you

like fuck it if it’s not that tasty he just LUUUVES doing it with you

probably because he gets to hug you a lot

like you’re in the stove and he had already placed everything in its own place so he goes behind your figure, hugs your waist and places his lips on your shoulder to give you tiny pecks and praise your cooking

“junmy this is practically burnt” “you’re the best cooker i know”

once you guys were enjoying a whole ass week together and the last time you were together for more than a day were like 6 months before

you were so all over each other he went to do the same thing and you guys ended up making out in front of a precooked pan of french fries

long story short, your toasted it and only saw that coming bcs jun went to embrace your waist and his fingers touched the hot pan

“that happened bcs of you and your teenager behavior” “YOU COULD’VE MOVED” “I WAS TRAPPED”

so guess what you did after you applied some salve om his fingers

he was staring @ u all 💖💖💖💖💖

you were like ,,,what

he just shrugged and murmured “you’re beautiful”

that’s right

you fucked

not fucked in a Fucked way

yall made love

kim junmyeon is all about luv

i remember someone posting here that he probably fucked like white people and i-

that person ruined it for me

i hate yall

i will defend him till the end of time my boi DOES NOT fuck like a white person

takes it very seriously as he sees it as an opportunity to shower u with the love u deserve

on that day you actually convinced him you should do the hard work

HELL YEAH YOU RODE THAT BITCH

jun seems like soft dom for me like just bcs he’s in charge for most of the time doesn’t mean youon get to do a thing

that time as you rode him you got very like Very excited but you saw in his eyes how desperate he was to touch you entirely so you catch his hand and kiss his fingertips slowly

he kept smiling for you saying “god you are so beautiful” “i love you so much”

but you’re a little shit and always tries and bring his rough side out

so you open your mouth and lick his two burnt finger from the knuckles to the tips

he got so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not really a vocal guy

heavy sighs and low groans are it for junmyeon

very into dirty talk

but a fancy one

“does my baby likes it when i make her beg?” “look at me, love. do you want it from where i can kiss your back or your breasts?” “you’re mine to take and no one else”

we don’t support women treated as objects but this is a sexual environment and you’ve always consented him to say things like that in bed

he’s a gentlemen fuck it

once you were so horny you straight up said “i don’t give a fuck about formality just make me cum at least three times”

he got 😳 for a sec but got your point

not a rough lover but once you get in a fight

bitch

you’re both pretty mature ppl so every rare time you fight it’s very Very serious

will kiss you until your both breathless just so you can not even catch your breath bcs he will be kissing your neck and liking your skin

slaps your butt?

absolutely

a fucking lot

“funny how you turn shut the fuck up as soon as i lay my hands on you”

makes you strip for him

has a thing for watching where your bodies connect

call him baby and he’s got a 3 secs tops soft jun

like a little grin with puffy cheeks

and he’s back with the restless pounding

bathtub aftercare is a must

massages your feet as you talk sweet nothings for him

if you’re feeling feisty might get a romantic round two

loves doing it slowly so he can drag it to the point you get so hot and bothered you beg

“oh god- just please- jun, faster”

likes it when you rub his back after

get a shot of soft myeonie post-sex

lays in his stomach and quietly asks “can you”

you lay there also on your stomach and rubbing his back drawing circles and talking about life

once he got so full of idk emotion?? love?? idk never been there

he just poured a whole “marry me”

like dude.

“WHAT” “not today, like... in a few years maybe idk forget it”

he closed his eyes to dismiss your reaction and just felt a warm peck on his naked shoulder

“of course i’ll marry you a few years”

his eyes shot open like This woman. the loml. dead ass said yes to my hypothetical proposal”

he actually got emotional

“kajsksjsksjsk really?????????v

“yes really”

and there was a teardrop

you felt like dying

i mean I feel like dying rn

doesn’t say it but thinks abt having kids someday

and u know that bcs honestly it’s suho everybody just Knows that

his parents? ofc they know you

exo? absolutely sure they know you

“one day we’re gonna have a dinner on like christmas with my family and yours” “baby they don’t even live in korea” “i don’t care we’ll pay” “STOP”

really treasures your relationship like i’m not here to play games i’m past mid-20’s this is Serious

and because he’s so worried and serious he nevers seems to let loose

which is probably normal since he’s a leader

but it makes him so !! all the time u get worried

once he actually CRIED out of stress

and you ofc were there

you kept hugging him tightly and slowly rocking his body with yours kissing his tears away as he kept softly saying “i’m fine, don’t worry”

you didn’t stop worrying

you said “if you’re fine then i can stay here hugging my boyfriend”

he nodded and kept sobbing for a little while

his head was pounding so you literally laid him down and cuddled him in your arms, fingers between his locks and hot breath on his neck

he once said the sound of your breath calmed him

so that’s what you did

you calmed him

and that’s everything he ever wanted

someone to be there for him on tough times like he’s always there for everyone

he loves the fact you’re always so calm and ready to solve any problem that appears

he loves the calmness and ““““normal”””” atmosphere you bring to him

after all those years of hardship and responsability

you showed him he could be a leader and have more fun on a daily basis

he deadass thinks abt your marriage

like it’s barely 6am, he wakes up and sees you sleeping next to him, hair everywhere on the pillow and mouth open

his heart goes 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

his arms goes to your sleeping body

& his mind “i’m gonna marry this girl someday”

idk i feel like i could write a whole ass fanfiction of 50 chapters on suho and id still have 100 scenarios of him in mind

i honestly love him sm

such a nice boy

he deserves so much more

give lota of love to him he’s perfect

that’s it i’m done

#kim junmyeon scenario #kim junmyeon imagine #suho imagine #suho scenario #exo headcanons #you can tell hes special to this bitch #i lobe him so bad fuck it #id die for kim junmyeon guardian of exp

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boogiewrites · 6 years ago

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Choking On Sapphires 72

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Genevieve (OFC)

Title & Song: Stay In My Corner

Word Count: 4200+

Summary: On a night out with Arthur, reminiscing over drinks at Alfie's club, a face she hasn't seen since she was young appears out of nowhere and stirs up all the bad feelings and past trauma that it brought upon her. Alfie reads her as always and finds out the truth, even if it hurts her too much to tell him herself. He delivers on his promise of no one ever hurting her and getting away it. **Chapter song is Stay in My Corner by The Arcs.**

Warnings/Tags: References to past sexual assault. Not graphically described. Language. Protective Alfie. Revenge by Alfie for Gen. Alfie finds out why Gen left home all those years ago.

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.)

Arthur had come down to London for business for Tommy. Having already finished that part of his trip, he decides to call you and see if you'd like to get together for the evening. He makes it a point to call this time around because the effects of not doing so last time were still burned into his memory when he found Alfie having his way with you on top of your desk.

You sit at a more secluded booth in Alfie's club. Both you and Arthur are drunk, sharing stories and talking about marriage and babies and life outside of crime. You would seem just as normal as anyone else if you'd eavesdropped on the conversation. You got to suspend reality a bit as Alfie made snarky comments and came and went to handle business and schmoozing as the opportunities presented themselves. He'd never admit it, but he was thankful for having Arthur around, he kept you good and distracted and he knew he wouldn't let harm come to a single hair on your head. If there was something he had in common with the Shelby's, and particularly Arthur, it was that they would always fight for and protect you. His suspicions of you and Arthur having more than friendship between you had long since passed and he was thankful for it.

The hefty payout for the job done for the country, the killing of the fascists and Nazi's had certainly helped sway Alfie in his acceptance of the Shelby's as allies. You'd told him as you rode back from Birmingham the night you'd gotten drunk and sang for the entire bar how elated you were that he would entertain working with Tommy again for you. You poured out how proud you were of him, how touched he would change his stubborn ways for you and even though you were drunk, he felt that you really meant it. You also profusely apologized for Tommy having lied to him, but he understood. He knee jerk reaction was to get angry, and he admitted that, but he saw your point of view very clearly. He'd had to test the loyalty of many men and he knew how little trust he had in them personally, so he could only imagine with what you'd been through how low most men will go when they want something. He gave you a little bit of hell for it, whenever you would ask him to do something simple, such as fetch you a drink if he was going to the kitchen, he would ask you if you were sure you trusted him to do such a thing. At first, you had taken it seriously and he felt guilty afterward as he watched your previously cheerful face fall and your shoulders slump. He'd had to dig his way out of that one with kisses. But you soon caught on it was his way of making you pay for having done it and that was a totally acceptable price in your opinion.

With no secrets between you, you were both rather content with your lives at the moment. Living together was a dream for you, getting him to yourself so often, getting to wake up to him every morning and at least get to have him in your bed every night. He had started sending you gifts again, not all grand, sometimes something as simple as flowers or a batch of fresh bread to the house during the day. He didn't want you to feel like you weren't being doted on, what with your insistence that you cut back on your admittedly, lavish spending habits. Claire had been in shock when you sat down with the books in front of her and told her it was time to go through them, organize them and see where to cut corners. But you weren't about to cut anywhere that would affect anyone else, only yourself. So you went without shipments of special soaps and perfumes from France, canceled your portrait painting, saying you should put it off until you were married and have one done together. You were honing in the ways you'd stayed wild while culling the reckless behavior you'd been unlearning with your time in London. You felt good, solid like you were really getting a hold on yourself and your life again. Alfie satisfied your sexual needs, willing to play and experiment with you and as you loved the man it kept you perfectly happy, never considering looking elsewhere. If you'd known being in love with someone could've helped you from wanting to flight about the pretty boys you would've tried harder long ago to find it.

So when you were out with Arthur one evening, drunk and happy and not a care in the world, when a person from your past comes into your line of sight it shakes you more than it would have if you'd been on your toes and sober. Alfie is standing and talking to some of his men, his barked words all white noise to you as Arthur gossiped and shared stories. You rose a glass of wine to your lips and when you freeze in mid-motion, it even catches you off guard.

Arthur's face frowns deeply, seeing your eyes go wide, your face pale out. "What is it Genny?" he asks loudly, his drunken voice an echoing boom no matter what he tried to make it sound like.

You take a shaky inhale, seeing the man in an expensive tailored suit, walking on the lower level and looking around. When your mouth opens, tongue moving and lips trembling but no words come out, Arthur switches into protective mode.

He sets his glass down, scooting closer, speaking more quietly, putting his hand over yours and lowering your glass to the table as your hand had begun to shake. "Genny. What's wrong?" he asks with a low brow.

"Someone's here." your answer barely above a whisper. "In the tall hat. The man in the three-piece suit and the mustache." Your eyes start to blur and sting, having not blinked since you saw him. You begin to get flustered. You lower your gaze and put your hands on the table.

Alfie notices the sudden silence and seeing your body language stiff he turns his attention to you, leaning over the back of the booth to put his hands on your shoulders. "Somefin' wrong?" he asks, quirking his brow to Arthur.

"She said 'ere's a man here. She's frozen, poor thing." Arthurs observes, keeping his eyes on you.

"Who, love?" Alfie asks.

"The man in the tall hat. Mustache. Three piece suit. In front of the bar." you say softly, your hands up and touching Alfie's for comfort, your face down at your lap.

"Is that... fuck me that innit Prittance is it?" Arthur says with such disdain in his voice that Alfie knows something is wrong. He signals to his men to stay where they are next to him.

You nod and swallow loudly. "I need to..." you begin, clearing your throat and trying to get out of the booth. "Please move Arthur I need to be excused."

"Right, right." he says, sliding out of the booth and helping you.

"Who is that, love?" Alfie asks, pulling you to him as you try to leave for the restroom, blocking you from the man's sight.

"I need to go to the loo Alfie, please." you say not meeting his eyes, but he could see they were scared.

"Genny, what'd he do to you?" he cuts through the needless questions and gets to the point.

You shake your head and try to move gently away again.

"Genny you know you have to tell me. What the fuck am I supposed to do when ya start acting like a scared little bird? Tryin' to fly away. My Genny bee doesn't fly away does she?" he tries to be supportive and lift your chin up.

You take his hand and hold it, lowering it but forcing your eyes to meet him. "If I told you, you would kill him." you say flatly, holding his eyes to show you were serious. He lets you go, his forehead wrinkling, eyes batting in confusion, mind firing off options quicker than he could explore them.

"You follow her. Don't let her out of your sight except for in the loo. If you hear ANYFIN' that sounds wrong you go in, yeah?"

The young man nods and follows behind you quickly.

He turns to Arthur, who is watching you shrink into the distance with sad eyes.

"Now who the fuck is that and what the fuck did he do to our Genny?" Alfie spits out quietly, his shoulders hunched and body language ready to tear the man apart.

"I 'on't know if it's my place to say, mate." he shakes his head, his lips in a tight line as he sighs.

"I fuckin' swear Shelby if you don't tell me I'll beat it out of ya. She innit gonna tell me, she's fuckin' terrified. Now, who the fuck would scare her in such a way?" he demands.

Arthur looks back to meet Alfie's eyes, they're clearly hesitant, but he knew he's right. "Well." he begins, taking a deep breath. "She told me one night when we's pissed yeah? Talkin' 'bout our fucked up childhoods 'n that ya know? Reminiscing the 'ol trauma." he shrugs. "Apparently that man." he turns to finds him on the floor again, moving slowly about the space. "Did some awful things. And he's the reason she were kicked out of 'er own home when she was but a wee girl." he nods.

"What'd he do?" Alfie's voice is deep and dark, more animal than human now.

"She wouldn't say." he shakes his head. "But my guess is it's something fuckin' awful. As awful a thing as a man like 'im can do to a young girl." he shakes his head and looks to the ground. "I don't even wanna think about it."

Alfie shoots daggers with his eyes at the man who is oblivious to it. "I'm gonna fuckin' shoot him." he says, hand twitching for his gun.

"Ya can't fuckin' go off like some fuckin' cowboy there, Solomons, he's a powerful man, ya gotta bide your time if you want to take someone like him out."

"Powerful?"

"Some member of government me thinks? Somethin' of the sort." he tries to recall.

"Someone her father would know." he states coldly.

"Exactly." he gives a nod. "She's comin' back. Don't look so bloody angry." he suggests. "'Ello Genny." Arthur greets you with a sad smile.

"Alfie, love? Could we go home?" you ask with your purse clutched in your hands tightly.

"'Course sweetie." he says, rubbing his hands on your arms. "Ollie take her out the back, will you? I'll be out in just a moment, love. Just gotta tell 'ese boys what to do for the night. Fuckin' useless innit that?" he smiles and kisses your head. His eyes are dark as Ollie takes your arm and escorts you to the back. "That man 'ere. I want him followed. But don't get fuckin' caught. If you do get caught. You don't fuckin' know me, right? Ya got it? If he leaves here, I want him followed. I'll be back later for 'im. Abe, set up the basement for me." he adds with a dark tone to his order.

"The basement, sir?" he asks with raised brows, suprised by the request.

"Did I fuckin' stutter? Yes the fuckin' basement." he hisses, his chin jutting out at the man.

"Yes, sir." they all nod and break away, Alfie getting his coat and putting it on, taking a deep breath to center himself, to put on an indifferent face for you for the night.

Alfie tells Arthur to stay for a bit, look like things are normal, have some drinks, flirt, fuck whatever it was he did these days then to come back to Gen's he'd need him there for the night.

Alfie baby's you and you don't mind in the least. You're feeling terribly small like you had all those years ago. You'd been doing so well, feeling so confident and in control and then this man who had at one point destroyed your life, stripping you from everything that you'd once had appears out of nowhere. You believe it not be coincidence. What with George trying to fuck with you now. Of course, it was London and Alfie's club was popular, but you don't know why someone who worked with your father would be at a Jewish owned club. But perhaps he didn't even know who's it was, it wasn't like he was from London.

"You need to slow that mind down, pet." Alfie says, pulling you into his side. "I see those eyes dartin' about." he taps you on the nose and let out a heavy sigh.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Nuffin' to apologize for." he clarifies, kissing your head. "Ya want me to fetch ya little sleepy vial for ya? Help ya calm down? he offers, rubbing your arm reassuringly.

"Yes, please." you give in, rubbing your temples as he goes to your cabinet and brings it to you, sliding back into the bed. "Thank you." you speak softly, taking a drink of it and putting it on the bedside table.

"You've been doin' very well wif talkin' 'bout your feelin's as of late. Would that help you now?" he asks, pushing your hair back from your face, as he laid on his side, pulling you into his chest.

"I don't... it hurts to recall." you admit. You feel him nod, his chin moving in your hair.

"You know I'd happily remove anyone who hurts you from the face of the fuckin' earth, my love." he offers.

"I know. But you can't kill him." you mutter.

"Why not?" he asks, stroking your hair down your back as he knows relaxes you.

"Just can't. Not him." you say, your words mumbling now, he knows the potion you took was working.

"Is he important to ya love?" he asks.

"No." you slur out and snuggle your face into his chest. "He's just bad." you let out before sleep takes you. He holds you until your breathing is still, your lips parted with little snoozes escaping them.

"I'm gonna get him for you, my love." he says, kissing your forehead as he covers you up with the blankets. You don't register it at all, he touches your cheek one last time before he leaves.

He dresses, moving to the phone after waiting for Arthur to come home. "Do ya have him?" He asks his men on the phone. "And he's left? Right." he pauses, rubbing his chin. "You have the boys what don't look Jewish get him yeah? Steal a car, don't let no one see ya. Get him quiet and fast. And people have seen him elsewhere since he's left the club? Good." he nods. "Get him to the basement then. String him up. I'll be there soon."

"Ya gonna get 'im anyway?" Arthurs' voice carries from the doorway.

"No one hurts her and lives." he says, pointing in the direction of your bedroom. "I need you here, yeah? I need you to be able to say I was here all night. I got her out with her little sleepy time medicine, right? So she'll be fine for a while."

"Ah. Need me to be an alibi I see."

"I do." he nods, moving to the foyer of your home.

"And what about us?" he hears Claire with arms crossed across her chest, Aggie standing sheepishly behind her.

"Fuckin' 'ell." he groans, his shoulders slumping. "I was hopin' you were asleep." he says obviously.

"She told me who she saw tonight. I know what you think you're going to do." Claire announces walking towards him.

"What I fink? It's what I am gonna do, Claire. No thinkin' 'bout it. It's good as done."

"You are right about the no thinking part." she scolds and he purses his lips.

"I need you all here for my alibi as well. She's sleepin', she'll think I've been there the whole time. She won't know."

"So more lies?" She spits out and Alfie feels his face burn.

This was a secret, wasn't it? He sighs at the realization, so easily falling into his old habits that he hadn't even realized. "Then I'll tell her after it's done, yeah?"

"She told you not to do that." Claire says harshly.

"No one does whatever that man did to her and gets away with it. She won't let me kill her fuckin' father, thinks it'd be too obvious but I'll be damned if I've not got men on him every minute of the day to do such a thing. I told her I would protect her and that's what I'm gonna fuckin do, yeah? No one hurts her and lives." he spits out, his finger once again pointing in your direction.

Claire takes a deep breath and turns to Aggie. "Go see to her, Aggie. I need to depart some knowledge that you don't want to relive onto Mr. Solomons," she says with a solemn nod and Aggie frowns, knowing she was right. She waits for her to be out of earshot, a quiet room with only the patter of Aggie's feet echoing down the hall. "You can't kill him." she states plainly.

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because Gen wouldn't want you to." her arms go back across her chest, a look of disappointment on her face. "He's in a government position. People will try to find out what happened. He isn't some disposable lad who has no one."

"And I have killed people more important than 'im and here I stand, yeah? I pay the cops, Claire. I'm not some daft fuckin' donkey who doesn't know what he's doin'." his tone showing he takes clear offense to her statement. "So you tell me what he did to her so I can know what punishment to give 'im." he says moving closer to her, his voice seething and his head low. "I can see you hate him too." he says nodding her way.

"I do. I've wished him dead for years." she states coldly.

"Then tell me and we can all have our revenge." he offers.

The deal is a sweet one if it worked out. She knew Alfie was no amateur, and if anyone could pull it off, it would be him. She saw in his eyes he meant everything he said and that as long as he was around, no one would hurt you and get away with it. "She had to leave home because of him." she says, taking a less aggressive sigh and looking away from his intense gaze.

"Why?" he asks after her pause goes on too long.

"He's a friend of her fathers. Genevieve was rejecting every suitor that he sent her way. And in no delicate way. She was always very outspoken and rebellious towards anything her father tried to make her do. As you can imagine." she shrugs. "So George told her he was forcing her to marry that man. So when he was invited over, George leaves them in a room together alone, and displeased with her reaction when he tells her this... he..." she lets out a long sigh and closes her eyes. "He abused her." she forces out and waits before opening her eyes again. "I was there. I heard them and was locked away across the hall with the other girls. We were powerless." she shakes her head, rubbing her arms recalling the dark days. "He told her no one would believe her. Her word against his. That she had no right to refuse, she was his property now and after he was done with her no one would want a broken, used thing like her."

Alfie is deadly still, his face showing no emotion and that was how she knew he was close to exploding. "Go on." he grits out between clenched teeth.

"So, she runs to her mother. Who was horrified by the whole thing and approached George about it. There was fight that nearly tore that old, gilded house down. You know how bad Gen gets, so you can imagine the behavior of the woman who birthed her." her brows are high and her lips tight. "He refused to believe them, despite there being clear proof of it. I still remember how shaken Gen was. Dealing with that at such an impressionable age and then being treated in such a way by her father. To call her a liar with her looking like she did." she slumps her shoulders. "It wasn't as if she thought George loved her or anything but you can understand how she was broken by it nonetheless. He forced her out, saying he disowned her. Awful things were screamed and said, slaps and shoves given and taken by both. He said things no young girl should ever hear from anyone. Let alone their father. It broke her. She's carried those words with her all these years. They've fueled her to be better, most times, but they also fuel her demons. They made her think there was something wrong with her, deep down. Thinking there was something amiss about her that she couldn't fix, that she was unwanted, unlovable. It fueled a lot of her reckless and wild behavior. If it wasn't for Altar reigning her in, who even knows what would've happened. He gave her focus. Her mother eventually, under the guise of caring about the family's public image, of course, talked George into keeping her in the family for legal reasons. But it took him a long time to come to that decision and she had to build herself up from nothing on her own after that." her shoulder shrug, her hands up in defeat.

"That man." Alfie nods, his face red and his brow almost hiding his eyes. "That man did this to my Chanah?" he chokes out, his throat tight.

Claire looks at him with pity, knowing how much it hurt to know something like that about someone you loved. She simply nods.

"Has he had any contact with her since? She acted like she saw a ghost."

"She's been forced to be civil in social dinner situations. Her father kept inviting him, so even if she came home he was there and she eventually stopped going."

His heart breaks, his blood pumps faster, his face seems as if he's looking far away. His eyes narrow and twitch, darting back and forth in their clear overload of emotion. He knew this meant there had been no remorse from his man's end and he didn't feel bad in the least for about what he was about to do to him. In fact, he had started to feel a lot better about it. Certain things about your behavior start to make a lot more sense. Overwhelmed didn't begin to cover how he felt. He clears his throat as he felt a bit as if he were drowning in his emotions, both for your sake and his. "I am going to make him pay. For what he did to her. For what I'm sure he's done to others like her." he points at the door.

"I wish I could say I was against it." she shakes her head, her face now sad, lost in memories. "But I'm not. If you tell her after the fact, I can let you go. Because she deserves peace. Seeing her like that tonight I..." she swallows and wipes her face quickly as a tear threatens to show.

"I saw it too." he says with a nod.

"Nothing scares her anymore and she was..."

"Terrified."

"Yes." she nods and sighs. "I was hoping she had put it behind her but..." she shrugs. "Things like that don't fade so easily." she almost mumbles, but Alfie is close enough to hear.

"They do not." he says in agreement. "I will tell her, yeah? I will be careful. I will make him pay for what he's done to our girl. Be sure of that. She won't let me kill her father, but I will kill this man." he gives a stern nod.

"Be quick." Claire manages a whisper. "He doesn't deserve it but the sooner you're back-"

"The betta, yeah, I know." he says standing back up straight, fixing his coat and moving towards the door. "Thank you Claire. For telling me."

She gives a sad smile a nod. "I believe you to be the man for her. I wouldn't tell you otherwise. She's a complicated woman who has been through a lot and if I can share things like this with you and her not know I told you, then your ability to handle her better is worth the minor betrayal on my behalf."

"And I thank you for it. She will not know it was you. I guarantee that. I will be back as soon as I can." he gives a curt nod and with that, he disappears into the night to do the devil's work.

@fangirlfreakingout @jaegeeeeer @cosettewinchester @lookuptheskyisfalling-blog @brianaisasongbird @cry5t4l-w4rri0r @iliveonchocolateandnetflix @jess2464 @hardygal69 @thegarrisonpublichouse @a-flock-of-angry-pigeons @pootle @negansdirtygirl22 @musingsby-night @wtf-is-wrong-with-this @shine-dont-shadow @inkinterrupted @vale0413 @lafayettes-baguettes-1 @sxlomons @aphnxrising @emerald-bijou @elaenom @give-jack-a-lightsaber @anrm1 @ultrablackwidower @tinastarkandco @arrowswithwifi @marvelgirl7 @they-are-not-just-stories @ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes

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bladekindeyewear · 6 years ago

Text

Boots reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 6 - Meat Page 16

==> (Whoa, went a long while before splitting posts, there. Dangerous, with how often I’ve lost stuff to Tumblr page reloads in the past.)

Oh, you’ve realized Zazzerpan’s relevance as foreshadowing for the trolls or whatever, Rose?

Oh my god, PLEASE don’t put Rose inside a fucking robot. >:|

Oh SHIT wait. That one wizard Roxy named her cat after who wanted all the knowledge in the world, got overloaded and then crushed by the giant textbook or whatever??? That’s disturbingly Rose-similar here. D:

Rose, puns. Please.

Hm, you think it applies to you all now instead of the trolls? Huh. Do you think some of you might become villains and get Just deaths?

..Huh, wait. Numerological significance? Are we actually learning what 413 means? Or learning that it was meant to be bullshit all along instead? I’m “Hmmm”ing loudly either way...

Ow, ouch. So a Light player wasn’t designed to properly live outside of canon significance, or??

Ooh. She’s not sure that if she opens herself up to all the knowledge of her other selves, that it’d be “her” anymore. A pretty legitimate fear... and one Dirk is perfectly disposed to disabuse her of. As a Heart player, he’d understand better than most that the entire combination of one’s various states over all timelines IS you, and the unique direction your will and uniqueness embodies across whatever it touches. Or something.

...Wait, wait a minute. Before I keep reading........ I didn’t actually CLICK the candy button yet. What if Candy just redirects to AO3 or something. Like, the candy bit is all of our fanfics. Oh jeez.

Okay reading on before that possibility drives me insane.

DIRK: I’m not sure anyone should be allowed to have that much foresight. Especially a guy like me.

...Mhmm, especially since in part that’s how we got Doc Scratch, yeah.

Reading to the end of this page, and........

Yeah, what the FUCK just happened.

So... is this Dirk BEING a villain? Doing some sort of weird almost cherubic Eye thing to kind of supplant Rose as he becomes a Scratch-like fanfic narrator or... Let me reread these last few paragraphs a couple times...

Is he really sort of “puppeteering” Rose? Is this like the birth of a god-tier villain or just a temporary respite he’s giving her sort of underhandedly for an actual good cause to help her out of her situation?? Or is “death” or a death of the self the actual solution he had for her mess??? I mean... the metatextual awareness bit that he’s speaking through in the last sentence is clearly something like what comes of ascending completely and going beyond the story to be able to write it like Caliborn or Doc Scratch might or... y’know what, fuck it. I’ll understand it in later pages. I have to keep reading if this is going to make sense to me.

This next button better not lead straight back to the fucking selection screen again.

==>

Oh shit, a giant Dirk section. Only fitting that he might have been writing most of this all along possibly.

Undercurrent of narrative significance. Oh shit. Is he going to go off about Light, about the story parts not mattering? Or that the fact that this IS a story and... from what I accidentally skimmed in sentences below before reading further, how we’re trapping them in a story by reading it or something??? Hence the idea that their existences are being “blighted” by the subtext of narrative significance, and would be better FREE of it?

Huh. Is this really going to work? As, like... a body slam of people who were too caught up in the forest of narrative purpose to see into the trees of the point he wanted to make with the finale? It’s practically Andrew talking to the audience from within the story about their frustrations, heh.

Yeah, this whole rant is pretty awesome so far. I forgot to mention it a few paragraphs ago, but when you look at the story list, the Epilogues are listed as “stories of dubious authenticity”, so is this whole thing like... how DIRK might have written the ending out? Just to emphasize further that this whole thing is kind of pointless compared to the infinite possibility that was the reward for their escape from the confines of such story-stuff?

Cool. Sounds like we’re seeing the “good end” that Dirk would have written for this story if he were to write one that still answers plotlike questions, or something similar to it. That and/or he’s also engineering things in-canon -- or as “canon” as the victory planet is -- to follow all this for the end result he has in mind, and it comes across as practically Doc Scratch-y in the way it ties in metatextual awareness and stuff. Either way, it DOES feel like Andrew might successfully be making his point.

==>

Pff. This is going to be a bit interesting. And, of course, unstuck-in-canon John can hear the narrator speaking.

And now John has ANOTHER story to get annoyed at the narrator of, heh.

The tooth is poisoned? Really? Did you just make that up or?

Okay, why suddenly the wallet, fanfic writer? Is he going to find touching pictures or just captchalogue the black hole?

This is all starting to feel a whole lot less serious, and I can’t help but figure that’s the intent.

==>

Pff, back to the B plot. Yay Jade! --Please don’t be metatextually aware like John and let’s get more actual story.

Phew, seems to be the case

...Is Karkat going to remake this post-scarcity society to be more Communist? Is that where we’re going here?

Alright, Roxy’s gonna be all voidy and Neutral and not want an impact on the election, from the sound of it?

GAAAHHH Jade is in love with all her friends and afraid of being alone. AAAH FEELS

--Oh huh, so because Jane’s been in the distance putting on the Perfect act she thinks she has to pull, she’s gone down in her friends’ opinions even if that isn’t really her??? That’s pretty reassuring as an alternative, actually. Leave it to Roxy to see everything crystal goddamn clear as usual.

Ooh, pronoun mishap.

Holy SHIT Roxy’s gonna go along with it. That’s nonbinary-awesome! And Dirk’s just fucking flabbergasted, I love it.

Pff, Dirk’s screwing it up outside too

yep, everyone ectobiologically had kids with everyone, really.

Oh, ow. Something about the whole black hole green sun thing is fucking with her. That, or, like... Huh, might the whole metatextual ascension thing mean that she actually BECOMES that other Jade floating about for a hot minute, the one in the A-side plot??

==>

Ow this excellent narrative is pretty painful. Like, empathetically inducing pain through really good description of pain and angst. Ow.

Oh shit, alt!Calliope has a plan. Maybe she’s able to use this black hole to re-begin Paradox Space and close the loop once everything’s absorbed or something, and needs a Jade’s help for it?

==>

Phew, some relative silliness with some of the others. That vivid description of a Jade’s suffering was starting to give my stomach a cramp. Actually, ANY vivid description of Jade’s suffering gives my stomach a cramp. Or any allusion to it, even, heck even without WORDS. I saw a Jadey song redux show up on my Youtube dashboard a few nights ago and had to turn it off after less than thirty seconds because I was about to throw up listening to the tune and staring at the image from my stomach clenching SO HARD. I am WAY too attached to Jade in particular to tolerate her suffering without serious emotional feedback on my part.

Okay, breathe. Breathe deeply, and keep reading...

....PFF, yes, Karkat. Finally acknowledge it’s disgusting. Birth is disgusting from any species really.

Yaaaay Kanaya! :)

Pfffff, Dave does record scratches with his hands mid-conversation like a fucking dab. He would.

KANAYA: I Am Impressed That You Managed To Be Seen In Front Of That Many People Without Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames

I’m laughing

We internalize and project the quality in very different ways, however, which is why I’m going to win.

Win?!????

Win WHAT, the election??? Is that your only grand plan or... I mean fuck, way to be Doc-Scratch-like ominous! Reading on...

...Yeah, Feferi was definitely a proto-Fascist too. :)

Oh, huh. “Power Corrupts In Small Steps”... is this whole President thing going to be a big-ass metaphor for gaining your God powers without abusing them?? And pointing out that Jane is hella abusing her status in a way that COULD become villainous if it goes too far? Victory is supposed to give you the ability to create a universe, but you’re not necessarily supposed to lord over it with an iron fist...

KARKAT: WHEN I HEAR ABOUT HOW HUMAN GRUBS CHEW THEIR WAY OUT OF THE FEMALE MATESPRIT’S ABDOMINAL HOLE BEFORE CONSUMING THE WOMB MEMBRANE IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.

Pffffffff

KANAYA: He Is Beloved In The Troll Kingdom For His Perky Ass DAVE: seriously? KARKAT: I TOLD YOU IT’S NOT JUST ME! KANAYA: It Has Some Terrible Arcane Power KANAYA: I Have Never Seen Anything Like It

I am laughing out loud here

pff dave’s doubtlessly imagined this at least as much as the rest of us

YESSS make fun of ship names some more, especially the ship names I’m not a fan of even though I’m such a fan of the pairing :D

KANAYA: Im Going To Call My Wife And You Are Going To Stop Talking

Why do I love that sentence so much. Is it just because it has the word wife in it. Probably.

At the other side of the cavern, Dave and Karkat bicker about what their combo kids would look like, in the event that they decided to stop being such laughable wusses and began fornicating like two cartoon animals of different species who have given into their lust.

Pffff. Yeah, Dirk would put it that way.

Pffffff. Not as adept at handling all sides of the story at the same time as you were as part of Doc, eh?

==>

Reading reading reading... Oh, adorable, he tried to slip a fish pun into Meenah’s name but couldn’t think of one.

...Oh SHIT, is he going to give Meenah the ring of life she wanted??? :D

Oh pff, that works too. :D

==>

Okay, time for maybe at least a SLIGHT explanation of whatever the FUCK Dirk might have or might not have done to Rose or something????

...Huh. What exactly are you trying to “fix” about Kanaya and Rose’s relationship, Dirk? Something that didn’t fix itself with just the two of them together?

I mean...... Rose’s substance abuse never fixed itself when it was just two of them together on the first-run meteor. And she’s been taking pills and trying to stave off her destiny out of fear while her wife hasn’t really been digging into her insecurities... I mean maybe he has a point.

SHADOWS around her?????? D:

==>

Yeah yeah, John drifting. I just remembered what one of those “server beacons” they were mentioning actually is, too, visually. Knowing it had an escape route helped.

What are you even gonna do with the slippers, gift them to Terezi when she comes flying in? (Also, right, just remembered he’s a Breath player so it’s only natural that he actually finds whatever there is to find “coincidentally” around here, like that wallet.)

Ooh, you REALLY were thinking about Terezi over the past years from the sound of it. And here she is or whatever. :)

1 C4N ST1LL TOUCH TYP3 1N H3R L33T SP34K W1THOUT 4NY 4SS1ST4NC3 3XC3PT C4PS LOCK ON 4FT3R 4LL TH3S3 Y34RS >:]

==>

Okay okay okay wait. Her shadow is talking??? Is this, like... Jungian shadow stuff? Inversion shadow stuff? What the fuck is going on. It better not be Inversion-related.

Let me read that again.

Her shadow has faded to light behind her, assuming the shape of a Rose-like apparition. I nod to her, and she continues. When she speaks, it’s almost as if it’s the apparition that’s doing the talking.

That’s weird and I don’t entirely know what it means. I’d better just keep fucking reading.

Fun philosophical banter. I didn’t know what “Hegelian dialectics” were until I read some big rant on someone’s Fallout New Vegas playthrough earlier last month.

ROSE: I think free will is a thing, sure. DIRK: Are you sure about that? ROSE: ... DIRK: Haven’t we spent the entire day having a feelings jam on how none of us got here by accident?

Ah, here we’re going with some Ultimate Riddle-y stuff.

Or wait, are we adding a bit on to that concept now? Because it now seems like a large PART of the Ultimate Riddle stuff I covered (FUCK dropbox for breaking all the images) that might be revealed in this part of the damn epilogue is the whole the-only-way-to-have-true-free-will-is-to-escape-the-narrative-imposed-on-us or something along with the rest of it.

Hm, that whole “become One God” bit that Dirk ranted about in the beginning of one of the John sections... is that his ambition here? I didn’t comment on the rantparagraph earlier because the “one” part of it threw me as possibly just some philosophical stuff he was musing about, but it’s like... I mean Dirk is the narrator right now, and it sounds like he wants to *BE* the narrator. Like, become the one truly in control of this whole story. With his orange Andrew-colored text or whatever. Is that what he meant by “win”, winning control of the entire narrative, turning everyone else in the story into mere extensions of himself that he was “writing” by virtue of being the only author?

And him getting thwarted in that task, showing that it’s better if there really is NO narrator and the characters can do whatever they imagine in infinite branches and our imaginations, is the victory that proves the point of the story. Or something. Hmm.

Also, huh. Like... I mean that IS a natural extension of a Prince of Heart if he were to turn to villainy. A grand ambition to destroy everyone’s individuality until they’re nothing but Himself. Right?

DIRK: Your Ultimate Self, that which is revealed when the mind’s partitions are stripped away, and all potentiality of who you are and what you could have been flow together. DIRK: Those are the experiences and processes that are refusing to stay bundled, that’s what your body can’t endure. The unbundling itself is your mind coming apart. DIRK: Because you’re not as strong as me. Not yet. DIRK: But you can be. DIRK: I’m working on that.

Because she’ll “BE” you? Because you’ll be everyone? Hm.

DIRK: But for now, I’m focused on stabilizing you with my own expanding consciousness. DIRK: It’s enveloping you now, in a way you can’t see. Keeping your thoughts solid, your identity anchored to your physical form as it strains to hold itself together. DIRK: You can’t see it, what I’m talking about. But I can help you. DIRK: I can help you see what I see, if only for a little while. DIRK: All you have to do is open your eyes. DIRK: Maybe what you see will help you through this.

Okay so maybe this all ain’t TOTALLY fucking sinister. Just partially. Hmm.

I’m not going to describe what she sees. First of all, that would be spoiling it. Unless you already know, in which case, I guess what’s taking place here qualifies as something closer to dramatic irony. But if you really want to see it for yourself, stop what you’re doing, flip the whole thing over, and begin again. I’ll be right here when you get back, waiting. Trust me, no one’s going anywhere.

Hahahahah. So the candy part IS written. I mean I was pretty sure, but it’s nice to have it acknowledged here. Pretty awesome. I won’t stop here to read it, I’ll get to the candy part eventually as a nice dessert.

All she needs is a nudge in the right direction.

We’re family. We belong together. And after years of micromanaging the inconsistent and confused desires of total imbeciles, wouldn’t it be a relief to have someone by my side who understood me?

Stop being so incestuous. Dirk, you’re just getting off on the CONCEPT of incest being part of the flavor of all this, aren’t you. That’s why you kept pushing things this way, you want it to be as uncomfortable as possible.

...wait, yeah he’s just talking about being a metatextual ascended, isn’t he.

Her body should be dead now.

I’M SORRY WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

And Rose has... what, ascended but somehow given in to Dirk’s puppeteering of existence, or? Ugh.

Next post, I wanna keep reading already to get through all this bullshit. Then once I’ve figured it all out, I can rest comfortably back with the Candy side which Rose practically just promised me is potentially TOO SUGARY which is really enticing as a prospect.

#Homestuck #Homestuck Epilogue #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #bladekindeyewear #BlastYoBoots

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7wanderingpaws · 6 years ago

Text

11. Epilogue

Genre: magic / soulmate AU

Pairing: Jackson x reader

Word count: 2.8K

Song: Shura - Whats It Gonna Be? (<3)

Synopsis: You are more than happy in relationship with Jackson Wang, the hard-working and successful fencer representing Hong Kong. So what happens when you visit a local witch wanting to know more about your future as a couple? Because you always knew he was the right one for you. Even in another life. But would he really be the one?

*** 1. // 2. // 3. // 4. // 5. // 6. // 7-1. // 7-2. // 8. // 9. // 10. // 11.

(( Wowzers! Its the final chapter already. Im quite speechless to be honest, because I grew fond of this story ever since the basic idea popped into my head and would bug me until I wrote the the first 2-3 chapters in one sitting. It was one of the most wonderful writing experiences. THANK YOU, endlessly THANK YOU for liking, commenting, reblogging and following. I wish I could throw my emotions to show you how much it means to me. I hope this last part will be enjoyable. Im a cheesy girl. On my blog things end well :) dont blame me. Let me know what your thoughts!! ))

Special thanks to MARAH <3

- - - Epilogue - - -

San Jose, California, 2020

“Are you sure we are doing the right thing?” you asked anxiously as you drove up the uneven road on a very familiar street. “I mean, last time I was here when we were together, it didn’t end up well.”

“Yes, but that was when I wasn’t my absolute, upmost happiest on the entire planet,” answered Jackson, taking your hand in his to kiss your knuckles. His other hand was on the steering wheel, driving the rented car up the road.

“What if somebody will see us?” you muttered, growing smaller and smaller on the passenger seat. “We don’t need any more new rumours.”

Jackson chuckled as he let go of your hand, so he could push the car into reverse to park it in front of the house. “Babe, c’mon. We both know we couldn’t care less about those things. Besides, you work in Team Wang. You can do any possible step against those suckers if you wish so. I will always be by your side supporting you.” He was looking behind the seat to ensure he filled up the entire place. He turned around and winked at you. “I’m actually excited. Yay. Let’s go.”

You exited the car and hand in hand walked to the doors, ringing the doorbell.

“You only support me cause you would go down the drain with me as well if I wouldn’t do the necessary steps,” you commented again, not letting him go just yet.

“Sure, honey, whatever you say,” he laughed and pressed his lips to your temple.

You smiled, both of you knowing well you were just joking.

When the doors opened, a familiar face of the old man appeared, his kind expression already inviting you inside. “Welcome! Please, do come in. Henrietta is will be finished with her customer-”

“Yes, we will wait, thank you,” you answered before he could finish, knowing the entire sentences all too well.

Jackson gave you an amused look as you took a seat in the living room. The house was filled with wonderful, mouth-watering smell that was coming from the kitchen. The old man was just taking out a big stack of cookies out of the oven.

Gosh. No matter how many times you were here and relived everything again and again, nothing, and I repeat, nothing could come even close to this beautiful, harmonious smell that you were sniffing in that house. It was generous and maybe full of love; that’s why it was so good.

Jackson took a hold of your hand, his big eyes curiously scanning the surrounding. “What if she will say we are not meant to be and have to break up right in this very moment?” he quipped, his eyebrows just under his hairline. He looked so funny when he was trying to be fake-serious.

You. Loved. Him.

“Well, then we break up. I mean,” you shrugged, not bothered, “you have to listen to what the witch says, right?”

He was trying to maintain the serious face, but his facial features loosened up and one of the most breathtaking smiles spread across his face, his eyes wrinkly, his (cute) teeth out, his cheek-bones up. What a sight...

He leaned in to kiss you when the doors behind you opened.

“Oh, I apologise for letting you wait, my clients are-” Henrietta stopped mid-sentence when you and Jackson stood up at her sudden entrance. You had Jackson’s hand tightly gripped in yours just above your tummy. You smiled. “Oh my goodness,” said Henrietta, lacing her fingers and bringing them to her chest. “What a beautiful couple are you! Please, do come in, do come in,” she said excitedly as she let you into her office.

Yes, the windows were still tinted, the room still harmonious and well-organised. It didn’t change one bit.

You took a seat opposite her chair, Jackson once again looking around with innocence.

Henrietta sighed as she sat down behind the long table, her cards neatly prepared. “I know you.”

“We know,” you smiled shyly, breaking Jackson’s hand in your tight grip.

“I see you made it.” Henrietta’s face was pure bliss. Her eyes couldn’t stop looking at you and Jackson as both of you exchanged glances.

You lowered your head, having a hard time getting such affectionate glances from the witch.

“Yes, we did make it,” Jackson said, his face also smiley and proud. “It wasn’t the easiest of the roads but here we are.”

Henrietta was nodding many times. “And why did you come all the way here? There is not much I can help you with.”

“What do you mean?” you asked, recovering from the heat in your cheeks. “We would like to hear your opinion now, in this current life, when Jackson is an artists, I’m an accountant, no fencing, no doctors, no ... nothing like before.”

“And that is exactly how it should be, my dear,” Henrietta replied, your heart jumping quickly. “Everything is as it should be now. There is no reason for you to worry whatsoever. You both evaporate happiness and satisfaction.”

You both nodded.

“So how was Y/N like when she came here for the first time?” asked Jackson out of nowhere, a cheeky glint in his eyes.

Your eyes widened, giving his bicep a slap. “Excuse you.”

“She was just as beautiful as she was now,” Henrietta replied without any obstacles. “But do you mean in this life or the previous one?”

“This life. I want to know how she was like when she found out,” said Jackson honestly.

“She was freaking out a lot. Oh, you are missing that wonderful friend of yours, Sofia-”

“It’s Sara,” you and Jackson said at the same time.

“-Sara, yes, and she was like a lion, fighting to know what is the truth. I can understand that Y/N was frustrated with what was happening. There aren’t many situations like yours. Not everyone on this planet has their soulmate.”

“Soulmate?” you frowned. “That sounds a little bit crazy.”

“But that’s what you two are,” answered Henrietta, her voice suddenly deep and mysterious. “There are very few soulmates in this world and you seemed to find each other in both worlds. As soon as one of you would see the other, you would know there is some connection. Don’t be overexcited, not everyone has those feelings. Many people are with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship, to not feel alone. Your relationship is on a universe-level. It was always written in the stars. Either way, you were supposed to know each other and I’m truly happy I was able to experience this rare phenomenon.”

Well, that sounded like some museum-like text for a dinosaur. Processing her words was one thing. Living and actually making her words come true was a completely different thing.

The two of you exchanged looks.

She was right.

The stars aligned.

You clicked.

Seoul, South Korea, 2026

“I swear I always get lost in this country,” you mumbled to yourself angrily. “No matter how many times, always, always, always,” you sighed desperately. So what if you were already above thirty. Thirty-year-old people get lost TOO!!!

Except, it was 2am, the metro was closed, the buses were not in service anymore, there were barely any people and even if there were, you spoke as much Korean as you did Icelandic. Nothing. Zero. How did they say hi again? Annyogfkfosyf??? Yes, that could be.

Looking around, you tried to find a friendly face that could be of any help. Isu metro station was located on a massive crossroads surrounded by tall, modern office buildings. But there was not a single person who was kind enough to help a stranger out.

You tried English. “Excuse me!”

Nope, they wouldn’t even look your way. Of course. This was not an English speaking country.

Before you could really start getting scared, you tried to stop a taxi. But the road being a big main road, there was almost zero chance they would pay any attention to you.

The reason why you were freaking out was simple: your phone was dead. No battery, no life, no hope, no reason to fight in this life anymore. If the phone gave up, the humanity could easily do so as well. This way, you couldn’t call Jackson.

“I’m gonna make both of us die,” you muttered to yourself unhappily, when another person completely ignored you.

“Excuse me, can you please help-”

“Hello, sorry, do you know how can-”

“Annyofabsfkjas,” you tried, exasperated, your tongue twisting and breaking. How on Earth did they say hi in Korean? Where is Jackson when you needed him? Why was your phone dead? Why were you even here?

People ignored you. And even walking a little bit couldn’t help, the city was too big and you were too small. “Shit.” Wiping a tear away, you tried your phone once again but, of course, it wasn’t working. “SHIT.”

You ran a little bit, your heels clicking on the pavement. Reaching out your hand, a taxi must stop for you. There was no way one damn taxi wouldn’t stop for you.

A little cry escaped your lips. “Please.”

Just then, there was a sports car speeding up on the road and it abruptly stopped right in front of you, its brakes and wheels screeching loudly, making you flinch. This was it. This was when they would steal you and murder you for organs.

The door for passenger seat opened. “Get in.”

The voice was strict, but there was no hesitation as you swiftly got into the car.

“Are you crazy?” Jackson was angry, his eyes sending daggers your way. His left hand was on the steering wheel as his whole body was turned towards you. The door was closing itself.

“I’m sorry, you know I always get lost and my phone was dead-”

“You are pregnant, Y/N,” he snapped, worry written all over his manly face. “It’s dangerous for you to be out at this time all by yourself.”

You sighed, already tired. “But you found me,” you said, gently reaching out for his hand. “You found me. Just like you always do.”

Jackson’s features softened, his anger dissipating slowly but surely. He gave out a deep sigh. “I was so worried about you.”

“I was worried about myself too, thanks,” you laughed, touching his cheek.

He smiled and turned to fasten his seatbelt again.

“Jack?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m hungry.”

He gave out a breathy laugh. “Of course you are. It’s freaking 2am. Your pregnant-self loves to eat at this convenient time.”

“Well, lucky me that we are in Korea where the deliveries are non-stop working,” you winked at him and looked out the window.

He grabbed your thigh with a lustful squeeze but his eyes were trained on the road. “Damn, and how much I love that you are here with me.”

And by the time you arrived at your apartment that you owned in Seoul, the black-bean noodles have arrived, warm and fresh. You devoured it all, and still managed to swallow sour pickles.

“Your appetite,” commented Jackson tiredly. He wouldn’t go to bed without you. No, never. He was over that part of his job. He was now his own boss, working on many projects, attending many galas with you by his side as his wife of 6 years.

Oh. The wedding!

Your wedding.

The wedding of you and Jackson.

The time when Jackson married you.

The time when you married Jackson.

That day...

... was one of the most watched weddings of the century.

So what if William took Kate? And Harry took Meghan? Nick took Priyanka?

Jackson Wang took you. And many watched. Many supported.

A superstar is taking a normal, ordinary person that is not part of the entertainment industry. You were just a normal person, breathing oxygen like others, shining in different directions that the other artists. You had a soulmate. You had Jackson.

This is how you became one of the biggest searches on Google and Naver. Who were you? What were you? They wanted to know everything.

Everybody wanted to know the woman who was smiling brightly as she was walking down the aisle, the only person she could ever imagine her future with waiting on the other side having a squirtle look and still looking so handsome, so lovable, so kind, so Jackson.

The other special thing was, that you didn’t have a massive wedding. Yes, Jackson wanted to have half of the world present to see his happiness, but he still listened to you. It made you uncomfortable to be in front of so many people. You wanted close family and great friends surrounding you.

So he did it that way.

And the wedding night was even more special than the entire day filled with flowers, good food, lots of laughing and dancing till the early morning.

Jackson was still spinning with you in your hotel room, dancing to music, both of you tipsy with love for each other.

There was no gentle and slow love-making. There was no wild and crazy sex.

No.

You cuddled up, shared a wonderful, passionate kiss and while you were silently giggling into each other’s mouths, whispering stories from your wedding day, how someone would trip and fall, how some people interacted, you just kept giggling and smiling, both of your eyes still shiny even in the darkness of the room, you slowly drifted into peaceful sleep, Jackson’s arms around you, your front pressed against his chest as his chin rested on the top of your head.

Both of you had comfy pyjamas on, make-up removed and teeth washed.

You decided you would not have children until you reached a certain age. During that time, you would enjoy your freedom. You followed Jackson almost everywhere, you would sneak out, be silly, you would make decisions together that would benefit for both of you.

Of course, there were fights. What kind of relationship didn’t have fights? They could be cruel at times, but neither of you ever meant it. There was safety around both of you.

You were guaranteed for each other...

...

... until this guarantee was broken years later when your water broke. Thankfully, you were in Hong Kong where you always planned to give birth to your children. Jackson made sure he didn’t have any plans that included travelling too far from Hong Kong as he wanted to be present in the hospital.

And now, it was three years since your guarantee for each other was made more flexible and had to cover also twins that were born. Plus-

“Jackson,” you said as you came out of the toilet. Jackson was lying on the floor, one twin - Sofia (after Jackson’s mother) - on top of his chest, the other twin - William (after nobody in particular) - was at his feet, trying to take his sock off.

He looked up at you questioningly trying to hold Sofia so she wouldn’t hurt herself. “What is it, baby?”

“It’s happening again,” you muttered, trying to look nonchalant around kids.

“Daddy was talking to meeee!” wailed Sofia again. “He calls ME BABY!!!”

William was always the quieter one. Definitely your genes.

“Happening what?” he asked and swiftly grabbed giggling Sofia, putting her down so he could stand up and walk over to you.

As you were standing on the doorstep to the bathroom, he supported his hand on the wall next to your head as he leaned in.

“I’m pregnant.”

He raised his eyebrows at you, not that surprised. After all, you were making these “mistakes” in the bed very willingly and happily. Slowly, one corner of his mouth lifted, his dad face long gone and his flirty face in the game. “Are you now?”

You shot a quick glance to the kids who were oblivious to you. You nodded as your eyes dropped to his lips. He licked them.

“You are freaking awesome,” he mumbled and kissed you, pushing his tongue right in, startling you.

You tried to suppress your moan, wrapping your arms around his neck. “You are responsible for it, though,” you breathed, capturing his lips again.

He grumbled, pushing you inside the bathroom, making you walk backwards. “We will be right with you, don’t be mean to each other!” he shouted towards the twins before slamming the bathroom door shut as you giggled loudly. He quietened you right away with his passionate lips, his hands all over your body as he pressed you to the wall. “I always wanted three kids.”

“Well, what if it’s another pair of kids?” you asked.

“Then I say it’s a happy life too,” he laughed pressing his forehead to yours. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

You squeezed your eyes shut and gave him a chaste kiss before you mumbled with your lips and tip of your nose pressed to his cheek. “And I love you.”

<3 <3 <3

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