#im scared it wont do well
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wow i just posted for jjk wow who would've thought😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨 well i guess let's see how well this goes
#nao.rambles#im scared it wont do well#but im also writing for fun#but at the same time not having people reading it#is kinda sad#but im pretty confident with this one#since jjk's getting pretty famous:3
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said goodbye to him feeling weird!
#hes abt to go skiing w his friend im abt to go back to the uk to an ordinary life#he is perfect and I've felt appreciated none of the time and i think it's not his fault idk#not how racemic compounds work not how amphetamines work not how people work#french suits his mouth but german does a bit more i think . climbed to a very beautiful place#asked him to be my boyfriend then almost took it back yesterday. chemistry is not his strong suit#he carries things for me he catwalks he gives me his jumper when im cold he's good at kissing#he got me a beautiful necklace on a riverside in amsterdam he lights my cigarette with his#he holds my hand and his only complaint about me putting lipstick on his lips is that it wasn't evenly spread#his eyelashes are long and he's sharp and scarily productive and very good at navigation#always on time always the right place . i make a comment about being a beautiful collective and he says yes but it's odd that we havent#received the social benefits of it. what you mean? well when im alone or with friends people just...give me things. flowers baked goods#compliments a pack of cigarettes he says. he asks me if I've ever had to pay for a pack. i felt genuinely SO UGLY like am i. downgrading u?#ppl see me next to you and..what you get negative attractive points? gosh.#unfortunately shutting the fuck up is not my strong suit so i never let that go. he says nooo it's just you are So Gorgeous that you scare#people away. OK!!! he knows he's pretty and he uses this to his full advantage#you're cool and you're friends with all the club bouncers and you take such good care of me and you know#the state secrets and we can scheme murders together and i love that you love your friends#but when i joked we wont get to see each other in months and you said 'so?' that rly did smth very upsetting!!!!#twisting and backtracking is his strong suit but unfortunately seeing it happen is mine#and sometimes it's endearing and sometimes i want to kill him about it. he would be a very good diplomat#who the fuck stumbles gracefully on cliffs? anyway his voice is gentle and he says i don't want you upset#he holds my hands he says lets talk about it please i want you to know i appreciate you#he says all the correct things i believe 0 things out of his mouth and he can tell#i am snappy and terrible and calm. i tell him he's sweet and i want more i want to be missed#SHUTTING THE FUCK UP IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT! would you be ok being just friends? eventually.#and the next day ive decided what to do with you. what is that? you can still be my boyfriend. he says thank you.#walking is our strong suit so we go everywhere. i tell him about my best friend his head looks great thrown backwards#im afraid this is too good for me and I'm also afraid it's not enough. not asking questions is not my strong suit.
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Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).
I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".
#my characters#oops i fell in love#can you guys tell im stressed and hyperfixating on my own fucked up ocs cause i am#also brents nickname at work and in rights phone is fuckwad#and hes like yeah if im called anything else at this point by right its weird and uncomfortable#and when it is finally approached as if paul is only in rights phone as shitty-ex (answer) now that hes an excoworker#what was he in rights phone BEFORE the transfer#and right is like annoying dickwad ... karen is like oh i see thats why you call him a dick still#thats like a nickname from his phone name#and brent has to ask why fuckwad and dickwad and right looks at him and takes a deep breathe before saying#because i like the word wad and it is very comforting bc like a wad of paper ? you can throw it away#and so if i realize i gotta get rid of attachment i wad it up#also dont tell paul that dickwad was a form of attachment or he will never shut the fuck up about it#karen and brent both swear to never mention it to paul#paul is honestly such a weird anomaly in the plot bc he doesnt directly work at the same police station#but he is CONSTANTLY a topic of gossip or annoyance or updates#hes literally karens best friend! aside from chris he was one of the few right worked with who HAD touch privileges before right banned it#hes also just genuinely well liked but no one can actually tell him or he will become insufferable#which is a crime that rick is guilty of once when he meets paul and karen introduces him#and rick is just OH i know that name! youre her best friend#and she looks so betrayed and paul looks so delighted and stunned and radiant over this fact#and rick makes up for it before the night is over which is why karen forgives him - he made paul back in his place#anyway yeah right has lots of fears and hes my bundle of anxiety and i love him and his atrocious nicknames#i think i would die if i gave someone a rude nickname even affectionately irl#also also final note on this ig#since right is a detective and not always at the station its worth pointing out brent and karen just work taking calls and#doing misc other work at their desks which are nearby so they 100% bond and its wonderful#ok i lied final note on them is#for a very long time karen has to check with right to make sure she isnt annoying brent because he doesnt emote well#and shes scared she wont know if shes annoying him please help youre like the only one who reads his moods accurately
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sorting through your things one more time. maybe i can find your face.
#oc#original character#my ocs#my art#chess#1998.10.02_thoughts_funeralprep.wav ➜#can you hear me? did you get lost?#they say youre dead but you wouldnt make such an awful mistake like that right?#right? right right right right?#please come home. we all miss you#we dont know what to do#you said this wouldnt take long. youd come back happy#you said this would be the last time#why why why why why why why why why#why didnt you take photos of yourself. where is your face#you said you couldnt remember faces very well#i think im the same too#i cant see it anymore. im scared#they wont even try to find you#theyre just assuming#ill find you#ill find you and bring you home even if it takes me a thousand years#we were just getting comfortable in our new home too#thank you for being my big brother. my mother when she wouldnt step up#ill come find you#i promise#you cant be dead. you cant be dead. you wouldnt do all of this and then just die#you cant be dead#you cant be#← end recording.
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good god don’t kill me on the ski slopes, I’ve got a lot to live for(tiramisù stasera + settimana santa)
#Im doing it scared#but at least I’m spending all my day outside#if I don’t post here before midnight I might be dead#it’s just that…PEOPLE have to be near me and going fast and what the heck I used to do this with closed eyes#why do I lose my abilities like this#is it for the lack of cordination???#same thing for driving btw.#there are…people on the road…#but anyway! I’ll think about the wustel e patatine fritte that I’m#gonna hit for lunch#magari pure un very overpriced sweet treat because well…today is…#the day my body completed another spin around the sun#hihi#im scared. but more of the slopes. pray for me that i wont crash ❤️❤️#<3
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Ohhh this episode was hype if for dot's planning alone
#vi rambling#pokemon#i half expected it to take a bit longer. also i think gouging fire is just an ugly design. but#the battle was really well directed and coordinated. dot being the lead strategist.... even friede trusting her fully.... ouhhhhh :'))#im honestly not against moving the plot forward now but im also really scared. and excited. im just really scared they wont pull through#on the writing but im also excited because i want to believe they will (dai sato and kureha matsuzawa please please ple-)#even when i find the choices peculiar theyre executed very well 90% of the time so . i hope so#sidenotes: onyx grabbing sango by the collar was perfect#their silly theatre binoculars i love it.#the thunderpunch into the river strategy was really really good#the music when rayquaza shows up was perfect#and i need them to do it all properly. please.#SECONDARY POKEMON NEXT EPISODE LETS GOOOO#i missed them....#glad theyre getting time to shine as this was my main (and probably only) real critique of this series so far#while im excited for next week. im . thrilled and frankly quite insane for two weeks from now.#amethio....... i miss him...... please don't flunk his plotline please make it pay off and be satisfactory. im begging. on my knees.
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I want my art to be weirder (I'm afraid of people expecting "normal" art from me because of what I make most often and them being upset with me if I deviate from it)
#SIGH. sorry i feel like this is like a thought that more serious artists should have and not like. me. lol#but especially on twitter i am afraid for some reason#like i do not want to be so palatable for everyone but like. i am most of the time#its just occasionally i wont be#and yknow. i dont want to accidentally build an audience thats gonna judge me for that#am i making sense#this is such a. NOTHING PROBLEM..#but whatever ive been thinking about it 😭#like i want to feel free to make suggestive art and weird sad art and self projection art and gross art#and the best way to feel free is to make that so people know to expect it#but i really just. most often draw very normal very bland things#which im not even upset about its jusf. i dont want that to be expected of me??#literally no one has said they expect certain stuff from me#no one has gotten upset at me#i am just. an overthinker and SCARED all the time#oh well#thats all#vent
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POINTS ‼️‼️NEW RIKU ICON‼️ REAL‼️ GRAHHHHH HE LOOKS AWESOME 🔥🔥🔥
Ahh thank you Misty :3c
Here is the uh full icon for those who want to see it properly 👉👈
He's my silly little goose :3 my funny boy
Also uhm a bonus and a little lore drop I'd planning to make for a while undercut ehe
Tada this is Riku's actual eye colour! Much similar to Mitsuru's :3 He wears eye contacts throughout a lot of Captain AU's story and if you ask him why he will give you a different answer every time ehe
#asks#misty-wisp#riku kirijo#oc tag#i cant believe im doing this lmao#but if im gonna do it ill do it scared#but tada riku's official look!!#well aside from teh outfit i'll explain that in a bit#but i can safely say i am 100% happy with this design now :3c#his outfit is kinda what im thinking he'd wear in the catt au! he refuses to wear the actual gekkoukan uniform so hes gonna wear the varsit#jacket instead! <- 100% my personal bias for the jacket i own it and its the most comfortable thing i own#and the ring has lore but eh i wont go into it now#i was gonna post the full doodle page but u know what baby steps#and yeah lmaooo riku actually has brown eyes surprise#the actual reason for the contacts thing is because i couldn't pick between the two eye colours i really like both#but brown eyes is more realistic so its his true look ehe#and uhm yeah idk what i was doing with the expression but nico pointed out it looks like one of yukari's sprites LMAO#unintentional on my part but he is a mama's boy#depnding on how this goes ill post the rest of the doodles#but wow can u guys believe the last time i posted proper art was 2021#not including the lil character bio sheet i did in 2022 that was a lil doodle#but ehm nico said my arts improved and my gf is always praising my art so im uhm gonna share#i need a new art tag tbfh
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really scary that ii2 is coming back now. like thats something i have to actually face. with the state of AEs writing in present day. god. suitcase you must survive.
#ii neg#i suppose.#its more of me being scared of change here rather than anything really negative#like i think they can do it well but its going to be Different in a way that wont flow? at least what im feeling.
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#im making my way into the anime con paneling scene and doing well so far !!#(people really like the dungeon meshi panel which is good bc i like running it :3c )#im still very much a beginner so ive been sticking to smaller local cons#and theres one that ill be paneling at soon which im looking forward to !!#anyway they announced their guest list and its. Scary#its So Good#i wont say specific vas for privacy reasons but i am Staring at each one of them#like wdym the jp va for main character of a major idol series is gonna be there...... and im gonna be presenting in that same space.....#and wdym the en va for another idol series main character is Also gonna be there too .#and Also some mochijun rep . What Do You Mean#(<- far from their largest role by leagues and bounds but yay yippee mochijun works ^^ )#i feel like the bar fo what i have to do is So Much Higher now :')#like i wanna do my best anyway but if ill be mentioned in the same program guide as these vas i have to do smth Good i feel like .#and also just what if one of them shows up. what if timing and interest overlaps to let that happen#if major anime character va 1 and major anime character va 2 both show up and Volunteer#im gonna blow up i think#and give them their participation lollipops but after that im blowing up#i couldnt have a bad panel before for my own sake and pride#but now i Extra cant have a bad panel. even a so so one is a big miss now#thats Scary !!#hoping desperately for an audience even half as good as my last one.........#please let me have at least one new person volunteer each round#i had people tell me they stayed late (literally until 1 am !!! which is Bonkers !!!!) for me last time#so hopefully it being earlier in the day before people have to go home and also all ages this time helps in terms of attendance#and the people who come are just as interested in participating#(and more opinionated#shout out to Everyone who volunteered before learning what theyd actually be defending bc it was really funny actually#but this one is sfw and food related not monster fucking#i need some picky eaters in this crowd or at least some devils advocates)#im Scared ill be presenting in the same space as these people thats Intimidating
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I love your trash twin ponies! Are you planning to do the other members of the gang?
Thank you so much! And yes I'm hoping to draw all of them eventually! I have a request for Charlie in my asks right now so that's who I'm considering drawing next :D
I've been working on a couple other things so i haven't gotten around to it as quickly as I had hoped but it's been on my brain this whole time!
#I'm a little nervous to do more of them cuz i worry they wont turn out as well as the dee one cuz I'm esp proud of that one#but i still wanna try#im particularly nervous to do a frank one cuz i feel like he will be outside the more 'standard' pony builds thus will be harder to design#but i feel like if i accomplish a frank one id be extra extra proud of it#point is i wanna make more of them and I'm gonna do my best to but I'm kinda scared idk why!#iasip#ask
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my sustainable development teacher asking if i could integrate agroforestry to "my lands".................. sir i have no lands.
#z xarre#ag engineering teachers stop assuming we all went into ag bc we have lands challenge#like YEAH my grandparents worked the land. had a farm. that does NAWT mean ive ever worked them#the most i have worked them is when i was little and they took me to see the harvest.#one time when my grandparents took me to the pig farm they warned me that pigs would eat anything and they were dangerous#and i remember i stayed at the entrance of the farm and stood there SUPER STILL. bc i was so scared of them. i have no desire to have#or work OR MANAGE a farm/lands. i just like plants and to see plants grow............#TEHCNICALLY i do own ig. well my family does. but im pretty sure?? that they will be selling them soon bc. my uncle isnt gonna work them#/im/ not gonna work them. so its better that the ppl that actually work them... to own them. i mean rn if theres any problems w the farm#we pay for it. but they also have to pay a % of the harvest to us. so idk bro. its sad that the lands that my family has worked on for yrs#wont be ours anymore. but at the same time. well girl its a piece of land. and also. its better if they own what they work
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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halfway thru my first drivers ed session. idk if i can do this aftually lol
#purrs#there’s like 30+ ppl in the class and most of them are high schoolers who already have like at least 20-30 hrs and i have 3. also the#instructor is really nice and means well but she is also a little clueless and she embarrassed me in front of everyone (or maybe i#embarrassed myself) bc she had us all introduce ourselves and say what we like to do and i said play video games and she was like oh are you#a bit of a gamer 👀 have you been to any of those conventions. LIKE 💀😭 NO I JUST PLAY SILLY LITTLE PET GAMES…..#but ajyways um. i don’t have enough driving experience to start behind the wheel lessons yet 💀💀💀💀💀 and we r watching videos rn and it’s so s#scary like istill have such trouble even maneuvering the car around how am isupposed to develop situational awareness and be driving on high#hihways and shit. this is so overwhelming. it’s like ‘every moment ur behind the wheel u and the ppl around u are at risk’ well idont want t#to be at risk or risk others lives. but also i need to move out. help 💔💖#anyways this class has INSANELY long breaks (like 15+ mins thank god) and we might be able to end early every day too so. fingers crossed it#wont be that bad and i’ll actually retain stuff and learn to drive fucking finally. but im so scared#also on thursday we are watching a video depicting a graphic c*r cr*sh so. that’s just fucking great#drivers ed tag
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happy 10 months to being away from my abusive ex
#cant believe it's been 10 months thats insane.#kinda scared for when it comes around cause im sure i wont be doing well mentally#jester.txt
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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