#im sad which is selfish but I dont know what to do or say

[wayifwepeeformbuts]

🛁🛏🛁

[dream-launch]

How come when people talk about like tryna support people who are in a very rough place mentally they always give the usual you're not alone I'm there for you but never actually make any effort to be there - no reaching out, no desire to even wanna talk - like it's just bullshitting cause they know it would sound too obviously mean to be like oh your not okay? Well too bad don't bother me with that shit I don't care enough about you.

[milksnake-tea]

━━ die with a smile .

In every zombie apocalypse, there's always one who is immune to the infection. And Blade, it seems, is the unlucky one who has to carry that burden.

blade x gn!reader (kinda. relationship is ambiguous)

contains: gorey language (rotting flesh, wounds), zombie apocalypse au, horror(???? I GUESS????? I DONT EVEN KNOW BRO), reader dies lol, blade got major issues

wc: 2.4k

a/n: lord i am NOT good with horror BUT !!! might as well give this a try. if you can call this horror. I DONT EVEN KNOW I DONT WRITE OR READ HORROR IM JUST A GIRL anyways. this is for @stellaronhvnters's event that's happening rn! the prompt i ended up choosing was zombie, and i hope i brought it to life! i am actually so sad i wasn't allowed to write for sunday. can you believe this. SIGHS

taglist: @sh0jun , @themoderatelyawesomeninja , @xphantasmagoriax , @rainswept , @lucensei , @akutasoda , @naraven , @scribs-dibs , @apathicace , @flurrina , @tragedy-of-commons , @cakechase , @kiiyoooo

Immune.

It is a word that Blade has heard time and time over again, and a word he has grown to hate.

Immune. Immortal.

A blessing, it is, to any other soul, especially in an apocalypse such as this. In a world where survival itself is a luxury, and comfort even moreso, what sane person wouldn’t wish for eternal life - or better yet, a life without fear of death?

They say he is lucky, the others. They say that he is blessed, and that whatever cruel deity overlooked this world must’ve found a sliver of fondness towards him.

They say that he is not human, the others. They say that he is something entirely else - not someone, no, something that cannot possibly fathom the pains of humanity, of a mortal life.

And so they say, why not let him bear the weight of a savior? After all, blessings must be used, and they cannot allow Blade to be selfish.

A pity, truly. They seemed to have forgotten, the others, that no matter how blessed he may seem, the deity is still cruel, and will not stand for shortcuts.

And so, Blade has long forgotten the meaning of the word “companion”.

Days pass like seconds in his constant weariness, and his body has become something akin to that of a clock; going through the motions, surviving but not living. His eyes bear witness to the downfall of his home, and yet he cannot see it - he cannot see anything; not the once-vivid colors of nature nor the once-bright streams of light that dare to warm his barely living skin.

He knows not where he is right now. All he knows is that he is injured, a gash on his arm that streams with useless blood. It will heal in due time, which is why…

“This is unnecessary,” he rasps.

If you had a name, he doesn’t remember it. Your face is blurred as everything else in this world is. You’re one of many, hundreds, that he has traveled with - why, he doesn’t know. Perhaps he feels some sort of obligation, like the ones the others have said long ago, to protect those who aren’t favored like he is.

But that isn’t Blade’s main concern. What is, is the bandages binding his wound, bleeding bandages that are wasted on someone of his constitution.

“I will heal,” he continues, his voice a repetitive drawl. “Save it for your own skin.”

And yet the bandages do not fall - in fact, they may have tightened.

“Your blessing allows you to recover from injuries and pain,” you reply, weariness wearing down your own voice, and yet there is a spark of indignation beneath the exhaustion. “It does not excuse you of pain.”

Blade scoffs. “I am not so weak as to kneel from such an insignificant wound.”

“But it hurts, doesn’t it?”

He blinks. Seizing his stunned silence, you continue.

“While your body takes the time to heal, it becomes prey to infections, parasites, all of which are painful and annoying to deal with, as I’m sure you know. It isn’t wise to rely on your blessings all the time.”

But it’ll only take a second. Gods work quick, after all, and their blessings quicker. He has no need for your bandages nor for your ointment.

He sighs.

“Do what you want.”

He doesn’t have the energy to argue much further. If this futile attempt at aiding him is what will calm you, then he will bear with it.

Blade rears his head slightly so that he can catch a glimpse of the wasteland that lies outside the broken-down shack you’ve temporarily taken refuge in. The streets are quiet - for now. But evidence of past destruction stains the road in warning: do not stay, do not yield. Do not think you are safe, for even a moment, because that is when they will strike.

And they will come, the victims and the assailants, with their rotting flesh and grey skin, and you will have but two options: survive and remember, or join them in their pack.

Both you and Blade are well aware of this fact, evident by the fact that you are still human. No one survives long in a world like this without some sort of wits on them, which makes your insistence on treating him all the more befuddling.

He inhales, and the stench of decay fills his nostrils.

They will be here soon.

He stands up abruptly, interrupting your work and leaving the bandage untied. With a grunt, he finishes the binding himself, cutting off the excess with his namesake.

“We can’t afford to dally,” he says gruffly as he pulls on his black coat once more, hiding the bandages and shielding his scars from past battles. “Come.”

He doesn’t wait for your answer. If you have any brains in there, you’ll follow.

It’s eerie, the way fog curls and billows like smoke as he wretches open the door. He cannot feel the wind, but he sees it well enough in the way it drags the fallen clouds across the deserted earth and tickles what little life is left in the leaves of wilted trees.

He hears your footsteps behind him, along with a little sigh, and he resumes his march.

Dried leaves crack under his boots. The air is quiet, as if he were in a vacuum chamber, too quiet. He wonders how long ago it had been since these dirtied streets were clean and covered not by leaves and dried flesh, but by the pit-pats of dozens of people, all on their next chapter of life.

The silence is deafening. His brows furrow slightly.

With a glance back at you, he confirms his suspicions. Your hackles are raised, and the grip on your weapon has switched from idle to offensive. You peer into the fog’s depths, scanning the premises for anything, live or dead, that might be hiding.

Neither of you dare to speak. Talking only sets them off.

But then again, if they are really here, there is little you can do to deter them.

They come in packs - at least, most of them do. Like the humans they used to be, they can be quite fickle. Most prefer each other’s company - if they can call it company, but there are always one or two or five who go on their own, and those either die quickly or become stronger than what is manageable.

His breath mists from his slightly parted lips.

He breathes in through his nose.

The air is sour.

He stops.

He listens.

And then he hears it - the crack of a leaf, crushed under a foot that is neither his nor yours.

Instinct seizes him and he whirls and grabs you and throws you out of the way. Steel meets flesh, carving it with the precision of a butcher and the life he used to have. He faintly registers cold blood as it coats his face in a splatter, its iron taste on the tip of his tongue as he shouts at you,

“Go!”

They come in packs, the creatures. As they swarm him like an infestation of houseflies, Blade begins to miss the eerie silence.

He plunges into a familiar, red-tinted haze. He slashes and slices and cuts through corpses of those who should’ve been put to rest. Rotted teeth bite into his arms (he briefly remembers your insistence on infection) and he kicks them off and his namesake soon follows.

Undying, the two of them are. They are more similar than the others like to admit, but truth is, they are both cursed by the deity. Never will they live, never will they die. Forever, they must exist in this world, until all that’s left of them is a memory.

For how much longer must he endure this? For how much longer must he fight?

He’s tired.

He wants to sleep.

But rest doesn’t come easy.

In the corner of his eye, another one of them lunges at him, falling teeth bared and eyes lolling from their sockets. He tugs his sword, but it is hindered - only slightly, embedded in the flesh of another. It’s a second he’ll lose, and a second that decides it all.

For a moment, he’s half tempted to let it bite.

But then comes a BANG! and then the distinctive smell of gunpowder and then his face is coated in body bits once more.

“What’re you doing?!” Now it’s your turn to grab his arm and pull him away. “There’s too many of them. Let’s get out of here!”

He clicks his tongue in annoyance. You’re loud, but you’ve got a point.

You shove him behind you and unclip one of the many grenades that hang from your belt. He knows this move well enough now, and therefore knows to avert his gaze once he hears the pin pulled and the bomb sails into the crowd of them.

BOOM!

The explosion is only just enough to startle their attackers and create enough of a divy in their ranks that you can push through. Blade leads the retreat, catching any stranglers with his sword while you keep your gun aimed behind you to ward away any pursuers.

He runs, as he always does. He scales hills with a speed that should’ve left his legs stiff and burning, leaps over canals that are flooded with pollution, and turns corners so fast that his neck might’ve broken. Only once or twice does he glance back to see if you are following. 

You are, although, you are slower. Something is weighing you down.

He runs, until he can no longer hear the groans of the deceased and the sourness fades away into crisp nothingness. The smoke-fog lolls back, and he thinks he finds peace, but then-

A weight crashes into his back, making him stumble. With a growl he doesn’t feel, he leers at you.

“What now-?”

He stills as he sees your state.

“Sorry, I just-” Your breath is ragged as you pant. You try to push yourself off, but your legs give out and you crash back into him. But that’s not what catches Blade off-guard.

You are like a second sun, with the heat searing through your skin and burning him through his clothes. His eyes widen as he fully takes you in.

Sweat drips off of you in raindrops. Your skin shivers in small, terrifying tremors. Your breath is short and rasp and choked and hollow, as if every inhale takes all of your energy. Your eyes are barely peeking open as you try to stay conscious.

Words die on the tip of his tongue.

You inhale again, gasping as you try to speak. You want to move, but your body fails you.

“S-”

“Quiet.” He turns you against his chest to assess the danger. Your chest heaves, and- there.

He’s seen it far too many times.

No. Not again.

How- When? When had it- no.

His brows furrow and his teeth grit.

There, tearing through your jacket and into your shoulder, ripped clothes and frayed threads, a bite, black, purple, bruised and bloody and slobbery. And in between, the beginnings of greying skin.

An infection.

His mind begins to race for the first time in years. Fear erupts in him like a sealed volcano as he fights himself on what to do with you.

He should kill you. Get it over with, make it quick before you suffer. There’s no coming back from a bite - you’re as good as dead now, so it wouldn’t be wrong, right? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s had to kill a fallen companion (if you could even call them that).

Yes, he should - he needs to do it. Now, while you’re still weak and vulnerable, while you still hold your humanity within your grasp.

In one hand, is you, a person whom he has only known for a month or so. In the other hand is the sword that has never left his side.

The choice is obvious.

Yet why can’t he make it?

“Bl…Blade,” you rasp. His glare pierces you. “I…”

“Don’t waste your energy,” he says quietly, almost gently. He doesn’t recognize his own voice.

“...this-” you cough suddenly, hacking phlegm for a few horrid seconds before you’re able to speak again. “This is- like a really bad time to say this, but… you smell really, really good. Like… like… like meat.”

He freezes.

Now. Do it, as you always have. Don’t think of it any longer.

Yet his feet are rooted and his hands are stone. Like a moth to a flame, his eyes can’t tear away from your face as you stagger, dirtied hands clutching at his dirtied coat. Your lidded eyes are hazy.

His namesake is heavy like a weight in his hand. Bandaged, calloused fingers grip and shift and relax and then tighten again around the handle as he struggles with a decision.

He takes too long.

You lunge at him with abrupt strength and tackle him to the ground. Blade chokes as gravel digs into his shoulders. Still-warm hands seize onto his broad shoulders with a grip so tight they might shatter. And above him, the sun halos your silhouette, basking you in shadow.

The grip on his shoulders trembles.

“Sor….” your language begins to slur, deteriorating into the common groan of them. “Hung….”

Blade doesn’t reply, too caught up in his mind and in witnessing your last moments as a human. Your mouth hangs open, breath and saliva dripping from it as the grey climbs up your skin in patches of mold.

“Hurs…” you mutter. “Hurs… so…”

Your hands leave his shoulders in favor of pulling down his collar in a manner that is hauntingly gentle. You pull, layers and layers of cloth down and away until his throat is fully exposed, Adam’s apple bobbing.

Fingers trace his throat, thumbs rubbing against it. Animalistic hunger overtakes your pupils, which have always smiled so kindly and tiredly at him, blurring all sentient thoughts away.

Blade squeezes his eyes shut. He breathes, feeling the air pool in his lungs.

And then, at last, he decides.

You scarcely resist as he switches your positions. He slams you to the concrete and raises his namesake, pointed tip situated just above your heart.

And then he sees you, as he always has.

And despite your clouded eyes, your dog-like breaths, and the mold growing on your skin, you smile softly.

But why?

Out of relief?

Out of gratitude?

Or… out of forgiveness?

Blade doesn’t know, nor does he ever find out, as he takes one last look at your life, soaking in all that remains of you and burning it into his memory.

And then he plunges, and the deity laughs once more.

And again, he loses the meaning of companion.

reblogs w comments are appreciated !!

[sunriize]

you know, he won’t

anton x fem!reader

warnings: (his name is mentioned once so you can very much imagine anyone else in his position) angst angst angsttttttt, mention of period, cussing, questioning his sexuality and damn its just angst guys. fluff if u squint and face away from ur screen👍(proofread but take it w a grain of salt its 5.20am rn)

your relationship with anton was complicated. it seems crazy to say that because you were dating him —have been for years. you knew you loved him, or else you wouldn’t have stayed all those years. it was just how he treats you.

he didn’t treat you badly, you dont think he was even capable of doing so, he was just… so, absent minded? inattentive rather. he just never paid attention. of course theres the cute things that he does like, buying you a fresh bouquet of flowers every weekend, or buying you snacks when you’re on your period. but it was never your favourites, it was never fresh smelling hyacinth, the only flower you found yourself obsessing over, or your favourite bitter-tasting dark chocolate. you remember listing these early on into dating, thinking he would’ve atleast noted it down, but, nothing.

it was all trivial at the end of the day, you know he loves you… he just has an odd way of showing it, you guess. his love was never accommodated to you, he loved you the way he wanted to, there’s nothing wrong with that, you think, but you just wish you could be loved the way you wanted, you wish you could morph him into your perfect man. which sucks, because you knew he was good for you, you knew you loved him, you just wished he was better.

you tried to accept him for what he truly is —distant. but sometimes it hurts? not being able to receive what you want from this relationship knowing he receives what he wants. you know he loves you but why won’t he show it? properly.

you want to hold him in the night, you want to caress his hair to relieve his stress, you want to jump up and down excited with him, you want to love him, but you just, can’t. you can’t look at him without feeling resentment, without feeling like you’re the problem, and sometimes you are, you can admit that, but this.. this is different, its not a fight, its not a disagreement nor is it an argument. you just don’t feel loved, the way you want at least. this makes you feel selfish, but he’s the one being loved, not you. you know that he knows you feel like this, but he won’t do anything about it. you know he loves you, but he wont show it.

he makes you feel disgusting, like you’re unlovable —or rather unworthy of love. but you know he loves you.

it hurts, honestly, it really fucking hurts. you see how he acts with his friends, how he’s comfortable with initiating skinship with them, how he gets excited around them, how he remembers little things about them. honestly? sometimes you think he’s gay.

maybe this is all out of jealousy, but you’re his girlfriend, he just doesn’t fucking act like it.

for some reason, even though you know it’s not your fault, you cant help but feel guilty and tear up at these thoughts, he’s your boyfriend, you’re meant to love him wholeheartedly. and you did, but thats exactly the problem, you did.

maybe, you truly just loved him.

a/n: guys i’ve never been in a relationship i have no clue where this angst came from 👍 also im ngl the whole time writing this i felt like i was in that one sad video, daddy is the sweetest in the world, daddy wants me to be the best, i love my daddy, but…. but he lies 😭😭😭 guys did i eat w the fic name yes or naurrrrrr 🫦

[joylovesfluff]

Sad times

The first time you've ever cooked for Sanji was the time where he felt like the world was going against him, sanji feeling down was definitely a rare sight especially if he wasn't able to make breakfast for the whole crew that morning.

The way sanji usually endure his sadness was by distracting himself by cooking but right now, everything felt too much for him. Every small task that he was so used to doing, now felt like an endless chore, so he thought that maybe he just needed a break.

'Everyone needed a break from time to time right?' he keeps repeating it to himself

'i deserve to have breaks' he repeats but does he really feel like he deserves to be taking a rest while you guys go and cook for yourselves?

And by that he felt selfish, 'its just stress, its fine i can go work' but as he reasures himself that he's fine, you suddenly speak from behind him.

"hey sanji, are you alright?" Your voice, the voice that he has gotten so used to, the voice that always finds a way to cheer him up.

He looks at you unsure what to reply, hes confused if he should tell you the truth or just say that he's fine just like what he always does.

But this time he chose to tell you, you have gained his trust after all so telling you all his worries wouldn't be that bad.

"To be honest, love. Ive been feeling a little down" he says as he looks down, ashamed to admit it especially infront of you, he was supposed to make himself look strong, not showing weakness, but he just couldn't help but tell you everything.

You got him wrapped in your little finger after all.

"Whats been bothering you then? You can tell me anything you know." You tell him to reasure him that you will always be by his side even in his gloomy days.

The cold breeze of that morning wind made your thighs shiver but you tried not to pay attention to it as youre deep into your conversation with sanji.

You listen to rants as your eyes trail to his eyes and how sad they looked, you miss the way they would practically lit up whenever he shares the stories he's heard about the All Blue. But this Sanji isn't the usual sanji that your used to, but that doesn't mean that hes not worth taking care of too.

You continue to listen, but as the cold takes over you, you couldn't help but shiver which did not go unnoticed by sanji.

"Maybe we can continue this inside? Dont want you catching a cold my love"

a/n: omg its cringey i know, please bare with me i just started writing again ksbxisndhxia. Im making a part two soon but right now my mind feel like its ganna explode from all the words that im doing ekcbisneud

[jingyuanswallet]

Hihi umm now please don't take this as me excusing these people's actions because I completely agree, it is fucking gross and weird, however alot of people aho write this sort of stuff write it because they are unable to get professional help.

Unfortunately stuff like therapy can cost a shit ton of money and alot of people can't afford it, so they turn to social media to vent their feelings out.

Again I'm not trying to encourage these actions! If they need a way to vent their intrusive thoughts they could at least do it in their notes app where no one can see that stuff.. I just wanna let you know why some of these people write that shit and telling people to get help usually isn't helpful. (As someone who is regularly told to get help)

oh no! i totally understand people need to vent and rant and how therapists say stuff like "journal, it might help!" but that does not mean have people who do have issues like this to post it on a public setting. Posting things like that CAN and WILL have an affect on other people and can even have them relapse ESPECIALLY without the right tags ykwim? people dont come onto tumblr using a tag like jingyuan x reader to then see dad!jingyuan x daughter!reader. if you DO wanna make something like that, go onto Ao3 or Twitter because its EXCEPTED to be there yk? plus you have a lot more free will on those apps to make sure people who use world wide mostly normal content tags to not see fucked up shit like that. writing things like that can put others at risk and danger and what they're doing is just getting validation and being selfish. her case is NOT like other peoples cases so its hard to compare as hers is far worse considering shes writing those fan fictions because she has those feelings for her blood relative brother. which is scary and concerning, and her brother may be in danger because of it. yk? Also yes, she should 100% be doing this in notes app, its really sad how these things are being normalized and able to have literal children be exposed to things like that..which btw guys a child is not going to know that whatever they see in writing is not gonna be okay irl. its a child compared to an adult, and im talking abt 13+ kids not 17+. kids are going to thinks thats okay, especially by the comments and requests.

[mvmnbnv]

bro I’m so sick of ppl shitting on vi. particularly jinx stans. they act like vi isn’t allowed to have trauma (or anyone else tbh) but vi has had her whole life ripped away from her. she spent most of her youth, watching out for her siblings then spent her whole time in prison focused on her sister. then spends days searching for jinx as soon as she gets out of prison. never once putting herself first, doing anything for herself, etc.

she was ready to drop her life again to run away with jinx. this doesn’t even consider all the physical and emotional violence she has experienced through out her life. i see so many jinx stans continue to expect vi to put jinx first and have her be the singular priority. it’s like they want vi to remain a doormat and have her life continually revolve around her sister/they want that co-dependency to continue - pretty much so it benefits jinx only. they don’t give a fuck about vi

as for ppl expecting vi to let Cait continue to berate vi for caring about her sister (i luckily haven’t seen any of this bs), have a serious misunderstanding of caits character too. i expect vi to be more subdued about it when Caitlyn is actively grieving, vi is empathetic and knows grieving can bring out the worst in people/she knows that’s not who cait truly is. idk how those ppl can see Cait doing that continually, even after her initial anger/resentment, bcuz thats not how her character’s personality is written. and even if they went with a massive change to caits character, their relationship would be done.

that was a lot. sry. just done with ppl minimizing vi’s trauma and making her only prop for other characters (mainly for jinx). i can’t wait for her pit fighting time - to see her focus on herself for once . i know it’s going to be rough and sad but hopefully transformative for her character

it wasnt that they'd seen that happen or anything, but they WANT it to happen...and its so sick. like they dream of the day they hopefully get to see cait say she wished she'd left vi to rot in prison or something...like to even wish for that is wild, and somehow worse. and honestly even if cait did hurt her, im sorry but i dont really care for her being understanding about it. mostly because it wouldnt even be reciprocated in that case and people are never expected to be understanding with her. not jinx, not caitlyn, not anyone. thats who she is tho so yknow, whatever. she probably will. she just deserves to be able to be bitter about this shit. im afraid of what theyll do with her and cait because of the way they treated her relationship with jinx. just crying, whining and ready to throw her life away for a shitty co-dependent relationship...that makes me nervous for where theyll go and they've already seemingly made choices that lead to that type of relationship...which is worse with a power imbalance.

like fuck it, i want vi to be selfish at some point...like "fuck you, you hurt me...make it up to me. its not my job to do all the heavy lifting. if you love me prove it. make me understand." not whatever shit they did with her and jinx. and the way people can never hold jinx accountable for her actions while all the while getting upset with vi for reacting to them is enraging ong

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[unheavenlybody]

xxx whining abt my friend AGAIN

decided not to send a draft of a breakup text to my friend yet cuz i fear i am being too hasty and impulsive with this. but i rly don't know what to do... i feel very lost and i dont want to end a 8-9 year friendship over this. but we've already talked about it once a couple months ago and i dont rly feel like anything has changed. i am just worried that she is going to leave first and in my mind i'd rather rip the bandaid off myself and spare myself more prolonged pain lol.

i think the two of us have extremely different social needs and expectations/wants out of a "best" friendship and i'm not sure its something that can be reconciled?? like we may just be 2 fundamentally different ppl and aren't compatible anymore. i think it would be unfair of me to expect her to change, cuz she is a very introverted person that likes her alone time, or so she says. she also is busy with work, which i understand. she just seems completely chill/unbothered with only hanging out once every 2-3 months, sometimes longer, and virtually never talking via phone or text (cuz she doesn't respond when i reach out LOL). i want to be sensitive to her comfortability levels, her social battery, and take into account that there other ppl and things that she has going on in her life. like ik i'm not the center of the universe u know what i mean?... but it also sucks to miss my friend so so much and feel like im the only one that seems to mind our lack of contact, that when we eventually hang out months later she'll tell me about all these hangouts that she's been having with other people, and that it takes her several days or weeks to respond to a simple text and then she offers no explanation. i dont feel like i am asking for much, but yet i still feel guilty for even daring to feel unfulfilled by our friendship. i just want some kind of indication that she misses my presence, but in the past she's mentioned that she doesn't feel that way about anybody unless its romantic so lol i guess.

when i brought it up 2ish months ago she reassured me that she values our friendship and that this is just how she is, so i want to take her at her word but it feels like her words and actions aren't matching up... i really hate how this feels cuz my sadness feels so unjustified and selfish in my mind. it's not like we're in a relationship or anything so by her standards i shouldn't care this much... but damn is this just how best friendships are as an adult fr?? cuz this feels like i don't have a best friend at all most of the time. it feels so lonely that i just want to cry its pathetic lol. so much happens in the months we dont speak that it feels like i am not even a part of her life when i just want us to be closer. it's like we're slowly becoming strangers. i think i tend to center best friends in my life in a way that has never been reciprocated, that even when they say they consider me their best friend im always an afterthought lol. i just want to feel secure and appreciated in a friendship lol

[ear-motif]

just out of curiosity, why do you feel Will is trans? like how does that concept look in your head?? (i dont feel he is canonically trans but so many of his themes align with that concept and it makes my heart happy) i'm very open about the subject, just wanna hear your thoughts!!

oughh i love having thoughts thank you so much.

he is not canonically trans, point blank. but god damn if this show was just a little but cooler he would be. inane ramblings below

it started as a selfish projection of myself onto him, because I immediately related to his awkward accidental sincerity and difficulty relating to the Normals. I even have a similar cadence to my voice when I’m being snarky (which people notice and is extremely embarrassing). lets hope i have a hot glow up cause so far I mostly relate to s1 will (sad!). And because I’m gendersomething I’m like lit ok hes trans bc I said so.

But will’s whole inner world and turmoil makes sense to me when seen through the lens of my experience with gender and mental illness (tho ill focus on the gender for now). feeling like there’s a dark, awful part of yourself that’s constantly being taunted at and goaded into taking over. but your normie friends say that you’re a good person for repressing it, for doing whats useful while resisting what you crave. sven if that’s not what they say, it’s what they mean, and it’s what you’ve been implicitly taught your whole life. [for will, i think allegorically speaking its less his “murderous tendencies” that he has to resist, but gaining an antisocial perspective based on his empathy. growing above morality through his intimate experience with death and killers. that would make a man like will very dangerous, not only for individuals but potentially for his entire community. idk wanted to clear that up im normal about will graham]. obviously thats not what everyone or even most queer ppl’s experience with gender is like, but it is for me. yes im making it sound like i have a transgendered Venom Symbiote Guy hiding in my bones but like. maybe i do you dont know

i feel like this is a crappy answer but thats honestly why im like yea willard graham transgendered…and then the writers like to taunt me by making one of his defining drives his drive to be a father which is mean bc I too need to be a caregiver while maintaining my masculine identity so RUDE. and then setting up how that goal is only pushed further from him by his involvement with hannibal by making mason assault margot and sterilize her, killing their child and leaving her with an abdominal scar. and then having hannibal kill abigail, effectively killing their child and leaving will with an abdominal scar. and from what i know abt s3, he doesnt bond with wally like he does with abigail; hannibal essentially stole his capacity for fatherhood like mason stole margot’s capacity for motherhood (except she wins cuz she and alana have a kid right?) fuck this doesnt relate to gender anymore OK IM DONE I SAID MY PIECE IM SO SORRY

[captainmera]

Mera, i honestly dont know you put up and manage so many people asking you for stuff-

like today, ive only ever gotten one request (that i realised was a full on commission once i accepted) which i then spent atleast 3 HOURS on. not even to get paid T-T

so i just gotta say on behalf of the Mera crew, thank you so much for putting up with us and our shit.

Thanks I appreciate inte that. 🙇💗

I hope they weren't rude, that you still had fun, and that you learned something from it on how you want to proceed going forward with people requesting things from you.

I dont think people who approach me are shit or anything, it can be a little rude or disrespectful at times, but I boil that down to a few people. It's not the majority. Most people are nice and behave like they would if this had been in person.

I like drawing things, and it helps me fill my day with something.

Sure, It can be a little hurtful when people take advantage of that by just throwing a request/ptompt at me like they're putting paper into a copy machine, without consideration or empathy for me and my time.

Some people come in with the energy of "since you have the time you should do things for me, you're nobody without my attention, and if you don't appease me I'll be upset and think you're a selfish bum." Which is, yknow, unpleasant to put it mildly.

Like, sure, I've put myself here. I post things online, and I like when people are interested in my work - who wouldn't be? I do think it's fun to take prompts. It gives me cause to be social and creative at the same time. But just because I'm willing and open for something doesn't mean it gives people an allowance to be entitled to demand things. They speak as though they have paid me enough with their approach alone.

Yes, I spend between 10min-5hours on pieces depending on if they're doodles, fully rendered pieces, or comics.

I think it is especially a bit entitled to go "I NEED PART TWO GIMME!!!!!!" Right after something like a comic, as though I didn't just finish something that took a while to make. It's not very empathetic.

But I don't take it to heart. People show who they are in their actions. I'm within my right to ignore, block, or politely decline. It doesn't serve me to sulk or get sad over people getting mad, calling me names, or get too pushy about what I should or shouldn't draw.

I understand its excitement, but please behave, yknow? You're not a toddler at the toy isle who hasn't developed a temperament resistance yet. Some people, I think, have an issue with instant gratification.

Have some respect in how you treat and speak with people online. The way you treat others reflects who you are.

If you wouldn't yell at someone irl to make you something, don't do it here either. I promise it doesn't reflect well on you, and I don't care that this is online and we are time zones apart; I will judge you. As will others.

You don't treat people like that.

And I won't let anyone treat me like that either. I've had enough of that in my life, and I'm tired of people calling me gullible and dumb for being polite and kind or giving people a benefit of doubt.

What I have is self-respect. It has taken me a lifetime to build it up, and I still wobble a little on whatever or not I can defend myself sometimes when people are mean. But nowadays, I can more confidently say, "You don't get to treat me like that. It hurts, and it is mean."

If you are the sort to take advantage of someone who is willing to do things for the fun of it, and who don't mind the effort it takes sometimes: then you are most unwelcome here and I host no guilt in removing you however I see fit.

But, like I said, the majority of people who approach me are friendly and level-headed, even when they're awkward or excited.

There is a difference between; "I need X so give me X!! Raarghargh Im going to die!!!" And "aaaa! I really enjoyed Z, if you have the time, I'd love to see more of Z!"

You know? <:T

Just food for thought I suppose.

I hope, though, that you keep doing right by yourself and don't let others discourage you.

[anaisnotrying]

"Have I been lied to..?"

₊ genre and tags: angst. idol au but its only mentioned once.

͟͟͞͞ pairing: idol!heeseungx gn!reader.

˚ synopsis: you and heeseung can fake a relationship, but for how long before everything blows up and feelings get hurt?

➳ warnings: angst. crying. mean hee. breaking up. sad times mainly (oops.. )

❥ wc: - 853 wors exact

˚₊ a/n: heeseung angst cuz was feeling emo srry guys 😞.

Everyone knew you and heeseung had the perfect relationship. All the qualities that were written in books and told in fairy tales. People were always so jealous of the love you had for each other. Love support care comfort admiration endearment etc etc. but that wasn't the case behind closed doors.

It always starts this way. You say something and he says the opposite leading to useless fights over nothing. You were too similar, both being close minded and only sticking to what you believed in. even when it came to someone you supposedly 'loved'. You were both so selfish.

It's the same thing over and over again. You get offended and leave, but he brings you back. he leaves and you bring him back. Always claiming " I love you and I dont want to". But, alas here you are again fighting over you can't even remember because you let your insecurities take over both of you. Again.

"God is it my fault you're always so insecure?! I'm sick of comforting you all the time. I have my own worries tooyou know. You're just so frustrating and exhausting. I hate being with you I hate you." he yells and mutters the last part. It stuns you. How can it not? After everything you've done for him. He still choose to say i hate you?

Standing there and taking in what he said, you look up at his eyes "...i love you, im sorry Im like this." you whisper while your eyes well up with tears. he's unaffected at first, he's seen it a before. you'll cry, he'll hug you and apologize and then you'll sleep on the same bed holding each other as if nothing happened.

You'll live tomorrow like nothing happened. But this time seems different. He can tell the look in your eyes shows that your mad at urself more than him. Even after he told you that you mean nothing to him and when he basically poured salt in all your wounds.

"Maybe we should just break up for good this time and i mean it."

"maybe we should just try to tell ourselves a good lie and say that we ended on good terms isn't that what you want people to know?"

"look I didn't mean to say that, but-"

"you can't take it back and say you were trying to make me understand how you feel.You always say too much and regret it after. I'm done forgiving you." you say locking eyes with him.

"you didn't mean to say I love you from the beginning either right?"

"... I'm sorry y/n."

"yeah i get it, i wouldn't wanna be with someone like me either"

"I-"

"someone like me deserves better than to be treated like this. I've done all I can to help you too. I saved you heeseung, multiple times that wasn't easy you know. I saved your friendships, your career, and I saved you from yourself too. Why am I still taking the blame after all that?"

It's better to say everything right now than holding these words in, even after you leave each other. "I never felt loved being with you. Everything that's associated with you is fake. your smile, the look in your eyes, your laugh, everything about you is just.. fake." You say with a scoff and walk towards him brushing his hair out of his eyes and holding his cheek in your hand as you always do. Always holding him so softly and gingerly. As if he's made of glass. To you he is. He always is.

His only problem other than being a selfish prick, is that he bites more than he can chew. No matter how much he promises to change and be better. He can't. He knows that he can't, and now he's done promising, which is why this is all happening.

"Admit that you're fake heeseung. That's all you'll be." you mutter and give him a pitiful look as more tears well up in your eyes blurring your vision. Blurring the tears welling up in his eyes too.

"I'm sorry." he whispers with a broken voice. He holds the hand that's on his cheek. He holds it and squeezes it showing his sincerity this time. Showing that he means it this time. but it's too late.

You pull away sighing. Taking your coat and bag, heading straight to the door. You tell urself not to look back. You know that if you look back you'll see him again, all broken and hurt, that sight that always breaks you and pulls you back to him.

"bye heeseung, I love you." you say as you open the door. You leave as if you're just going to work, as if you're just going out and that you'll come back soon enough. But now you both know that you're leaving for the last time and for good. No going back. No looking back. No taking back anything that happened .

"sorry y/n." was the last thing you heard as you closed the door behind you.

So much for 'perfect love' huh?

taglist!! :(tagging moots for now send wn ask or dm to be added to the permanent list!!) @redm4ri ꗃ @taejays ꗃ @slytherinhobi ꗃ @skz-minchan-enthusiast

[silverselfshippingchaos]

ABDJAGRJWHE THANK YOU THAT'S SO SWEET!!!

HII OMG i had to follow for the soul calibur and kingdom hearts ships!!! also you seem pretty cool!!! :D if it isn't too much trouble, could you tell me more about your ship with aqua? i love her sm! (kittyandco)

hello!!! thank you thank you! it's great to see you here ajdhqkdjw I love so many of your ships and have been following for a while! i'm a huge marvel fan and hux is a character i like a lot too and there's so many f/os of yours that i recognize! soulcal is so special to me since some of my earliest memories are of me playing it! as a result, I've been with my guy for a while- what a guy, am I right? 😍

i'm always down to talk about my aqua! I also love her sm if i do say so myself- this might end up being a little long but here we gooooo!

okay so. Ash is another Keyblade wielder raised by Master E.raqus! He found her after she was orphaned so she sees him as a fatherly figure. She's just a few months older than Aqua and a little younger than Terra. She dresses in mostly all red (her and Aqua are the red and blue couple!!!!) and has those chest straps the other wayfinder trio folk do as well.

She became a Keyblade master before Aqua did (though not very long before- just a few weeks) and she's very good at what she does! She wears a long red coat. I wanted her to look cool and important which is why her outfit is like that.

I hope you like the childhood best friends to lovers trope because that's exactly what happens! These two have been together since they were children. They were always together. No matter what. Always together, hand in hand, giggling and laughing and training and talking. It isn't until their teenage years where Ash goes "... Oh. Oh."

Ash has it bad. She's so horribly in love with her best friend. Terra knows, Ven knows, Dad knows, they all know- It's so obvious! As a kid, she always wanted to be with Aqua, but as she grew older, those cute little giggles turned into longing glances.

Ash often calls Aqua "Berry", a nickname from when they were kids. Ash was red... Aqua was blue... Like a blueberry! So she's Berry for short. She always called Aqua that when they were little, and it stuck! So you can sometimes see her call Aqua "berry"!

Just imagine a little Ash and Aqua when they were small.

"You're Aqua.. and I'm Ash!"

"You're red, and I'm blue!"

"You're like water... But I'm like fire!"

And little Aqua giggles,

"Hey, we match! We're meant to be, right?"

"Yeah, that's right! Ash and Aqua, we'll be best friends forever and ever!"

Anyways, Ash said that she'd finally confess after years of pining after they're all Masters, but... haha... ha... (looks at birth by sleep). She doesn't take the end of the game very well.

(Oh and more appearance details! Ash has brown skin and eyes and black hair like I do. Her coat is red and her shirt under is black. Her straps are green. Her Keyblade is green too. Her hair is long, but tied in a ponytail with a white ribbon. The ribbon was a gift from Eraqus when she was younger.)

Like with the others, Aqua makes a wayfinder for Ash. Ash's is red, just like her coat. But Ash refuses to take it. She laughs, saying that her and Aqua are so close that they don't need this to be together. And so, for all of BBS, Aqua carries two Wayfinders.

But at the end, right before she falls into darkness, Aqua asks for Ash's hand and gives her a blue Wayfinder.

"Aqua..." "Keep it. I'll always be by your side, okay?"

So for all of Ash's appearances until they reunite in 3, Ash carries a blue Wayfinder from her belt. However, that also means that Aqua carries a red Wayfinder in 0.2

It makes moments like these a little more emotional. She thinks of Ash whenever she looks at that. Ash is what keeps her going throughout the darkness. Her best friend, the woman that she loves.

And then... At the end of BBS... Aqua falls into darkness. And Ash is forced to watch. The last thing Aqua hears is Ash begging and screaming, pleading for the darkness to please just take her instead. Anything, she'd give up anything to save Aqua.

Ash punches at the ground again and again till her knuckles bleed the same red as the Wayfinder Aqua always held onto, casts every single spell she knows. She doesn't care about how much it hurts. She just wanted to save Aqua.

... And she failed. Aqua doesn't come back.

Ash's hands are scarred from all that, and every single one of those scars are a reminder that she failed. She has bandages around her hands.

For ten years, she is alone. Eraqus is gone, her best friend Terra is gone, Ven is gone... And Aqua is gone. Her light is gone. Ash spends ten years by herself, wandering worlds and imagining what it would be like to see Aqua again. She loves her so much..

Ash can be seen wandering worlds in 2. Sora tries to talk to her, seeing that she's a Keyblade wielder. But Ash tells him to leave. She doesn't care about anything that doesn't have to do with Aqua. She doesn't even have it in her to be a boss fight.

But yeah. For ten years, we get mean and sad Ash. After Mickey sees Aqua, he tracks down Ash. Ash agrees to help them because she wants to see Aqua again. So we see her work with Riku and Yen Sid and Mickey and all those losers later. She's a little serious and quiet (which is wild, since she's a goofy and bright jokester with Aqua!)

Her and Riku also develop a sibling type bond. She's the cool big sister to him. Riku picks up on Ash always playing with the blue Wayfinder she carried on her.

And then a bunch of stuff happens and she's the one who has to fight Anti-Aqua. It horrifies her and she's crying for the whole fight.

"Please, Aqua... I-I can't... Don't make me do this..."

"You left me here. You abandoned me. You never came me."

"Aqua, please... I did everything I could!"

And when Aqua finally comes back, Ash is tackling her in a hug. They're both sobbing, clinging to each other with all they have. Aqua has always felt like home to Ash. Ash was home. She was finally home. Aqua cries, saying that she never stopped thinking about Ash.

You know how in 0.2 Aqua looks up at the sky sometimes? Ash looks up at the stars a lot too. Reminds me of the days when her and younger Aqua would stay up and laugh together under the stars.

A little while after they reunite, they kiss. They've always been so close, and sometimes just... snaps. And they both confess that they've been in love with each other for a long, long time. And yeah! For the rest of 3, you can see them kissing and holding hands and being really cute. They're a very adorable couple (if I do say so myself hehe)!

Also, Ash is afraid of taking off her bandages around Aqua at first. Her scars are ugly. Her scars are a reminder of how she wasn't enough. She wants to be the perfect woman for Aqua, and Aqua shouldn't have to see that side of her. But Aqua tells Ash that she loves Ash for who she is, and her hands are beautiful, no matter how many scars are on them. Aqua kisses them often.

Also, Ash sometimes refers to Aqua as "my heart" and Aqua refers to Ash as "my light". In a world of darkness, thoughts of Ash was all Aqua had. Her bright smile, loud laugh, all of it... Ash was her light. And a heart is supposed to be Ash's guiding key, right? Well, Ash's heart always found its way back to Aqua. Aqua is her heart.

There's a lot more to this ship and I've written soooo damn much for them, but that's pretty much what you need to know about them! They're the red/blue Keyblade gfs!!!! They're so in love! Best friends (and even more than that) forever!

Ash is pretty sassy and humorous, and can sometimes be a bit of a flirt (only towards Aqua). It makes Aqua blush. Aqua is just the sweetest person alive- It's adorable how she's the only person who can fluster Ash. They love each other so much. Ten years without each other wasn't easy. Ash isn't used to having anyone around again, and Aqua isn't used to the light. But that's okay. They have each other, right?

Oh! Also! When they reunite, they finally trade Wayfinders again. Red for Ash, blue for Aqua.

This is mostly Ash/Aqua focused, but she's cool big sis to Ven, and sassy daughter (who loves him lots) to Eraqus. She didn't like Terra as a kid, but as they grew up together, they've gotten extremely close and care for each other deeply. However, Ash likes to pick on him a lot. She calls him an idiot a lot, but she cares about him, I promise! He was also one of the first to go "hey, Ash, youre down bad for your bestie aren't you-"

Thank you for this ask!!!

[themoodyestj]

so my question is, if you really have this amazing life and career, and you really don't want to fuck Jensen, then why are you so jealous of Danneel? why do you even care about her existence? shouldn't you be busy enjoying your wonderful life?

why do you hate her so much? did she do something to you personally? why do you even care if a bunch of faceless strangers like her or not?

if your life is so full and complete, shouldn't you be happy? why waste your energy on the trashy person you think she is? why live in anguish over some dude who is a complete stranger to you, and who doesn't even know or care that you exist?

why should you give a flying fuck about his problems?

You should focus on your own wonderful life (if you actually have it) and start living it.

Dear anon, The irony of this post is delicious. Do you realize that all of the questions you wrote here could easily be turned to you? I can be happy and have critical thinking, why are you delulu people so hung up on what i think? Because Im happy, should i only be selfish and think about myself? I can't belong to a community, voice an opinion, say what i think (regardless of how much it bother you)? I dont live in anguish, darling, you do. Today I worked, talked to my friends, baked a cake, had dinner with my family and was just now sat to do some writing and some light reading, and the only reason I thought of you was because you poluted my inbox with your ask. And Im not jealous of Danneel, come on, what should I be jealous of? My values are clearly not the same as yours honey, and please, come up with better arguments already, its feels pretty much like kicking a puppy at this point. She is pretty much the representation of everything I despise in our culture (and womanhood) nowadays. Geez, if there is a thing you delulus are not, is intellectually stimulating. Regardless the faceless strangers (which I assume are the AAs), I can answer that easily, warning in advance that this doesnt extend to all Jensen's fans, just the ones who take it too far. Im not the only one getting your hateful messages. Im not the only one getting your hate just because I expressed a different opinion. I have been watching many delulus attacking others just because people dont agree with what was said. Ive seen people throwing in someone elses inbox (including mine) hateful messages that borderline psychopathy. And it so happens that I dont like bullies. From discrediting someone's history of abuse, to sending something akin to curses, to flat out insulting... for the name of what? Well, you said it well, "over some dude who is a complete stranger to you, and who doesn't even know or care that you exist". Your words, not mine. Again, the projection is strong. Really sad you missed it. Do my words affect you? Stay in your lane. No one asked you to read my blog. I guarantee you that, if not being sent some prints, i wouldnt give a flying f*** about your delusions. But since you delulu people are so bend on insulting me, i reserve myself the right to give it back just as hard. I have a few pet peeves, my strongest is with bullies. Especially the dumb kind. That ok with you, hun? Thank you so much for your time, now if you'll excuse me, Ill go back to my wonderful life. I expect you to follow your own advice and do the same. Tschüss!

[soberlovey]

"Im sorry on that day."

warnings: cussing, angst, daddy issues.

"I know ever since that one important figure in your life had lost your sincerity and trust, you just havent been the same. No one was there to lift you into their arms or take care of you like you took care of everyone else. I trust multiple people, and you are one of them Y/N. But I'm sure you dont really trust anyone besides John, of course. Maybe you dont trust him, but thats not your fault dear."

Winston understood you well, although your emotionless body, which the only time it could ever be emotionless was when the options were excitement or happiness.

It just hasn't been the same. Not ever since you watched your father die for something you did.

You remembered his exact words.

"How could you do that to your own father? I loved you, and I guess I still do. But I think you dont want my love. You are greedy and selfish. Your goddamn attitude caused all this. You wont live without me by your side, tormenting you day by day. I will make sure you will remember me."

They say John wouldn't do that. But you kept your distance because you were too scared to break anyone's trust. Especially his. Hes really all you got.

Your anger was like your fathers, constantly harvested.

You cant be angry though. Its not in your nature.

You can be sad, but it doesn't matter. No one really understands your boundaries nor what is wrong. Nothing will be changed. After all, everyone takes advantage of you, everyone holds a grudge.

Independence is key, you cant ask for help. It would make you useless. You cant deny things, everyone would attack you.

The only thing you can do until he is back is take care of yourself and talk to the empty walls.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first