#im obsessed with these sorta things
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I think it should be mandatory that every movie or tv show, animated, live action or otherwise, make a production book. I want to see everything that went into the concept design, preproduction and post production. Show me EVERYTHING, I want to appreciate all the hard work behind the scenes. I want to appreciate all the artists who's designs didn't make the cut or were only seen for like a single frame. I want to appreciate the story boards of the scenes that were never produced. I want to look at the early design of the main character that was a little funky but has a charm to it. I want to see the details in the costuming and the set design and the world building. I want to know it all.
#looking at buying four separate 'art of' production books right now as a self christmas present#yall dont get it#im obsessed with these sorta things#sam rambles#movies#tv#film#production books#art#digital art#concept art#concept design#design#character design
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silly steddie designs i doodled and obsessed over (still obsessed) (amputee eddie you are forever in my heart)
#stranger things#stranger things fanart#eddie munson#steve harrington#steddie#amputee#steddie au#sorta#genuinely cant overstate how much im obsessed with my little eddie design
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thinking about phum trying to be tough and independent and an adult when at heart he is just a lost boy who wants to be loved and be taken care of. thinking about phum making peem his 'slave' as revenge when all he wants is actually a companion a friend a partner someone who won't leave. thinking about peem who won't take any of phum's shit but also worries about him and talks to him so very softly and allows him to just be a kid sometimes. thinking about peem who doesn't want phum to break their deal and who kissed phum first but also won't make the first move to define their relationship
thinking about how easily phum would let peem push him down on the mattress if peem just wanted to. thinking about peem discovering how willing phum is to just let go and allow peem to take charge and lay on the bed trembling as peem makes him come undone while whispering sweet nothings in his ear
#the slave thing is still so utterly whack to me and i will never like it as a trope#but i think this is the first time where it actually makes sense with the characters#ALSO IM KINDA SORTA A LITTLE BIT OBSESSED WITH THEM IDK IF YOU COULD TELL#anyway. gonna disappear again#we are the series#phumpeem#m: txt
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Toxic Yaoi
#its definitely one sided ON JIM'S PART.#the office us#the office#dwight schrute#jim halpert#i think Jim is like bi or something but he just doesn't see liking men as a real possiblity for him#so even though he most definitely has had feelings for men he just ignores them and chalks them up to bromance nd stuff#but then with Dwight we know that they went on sales calls all the time and used to get along just fine#and im thinking after awhile Jim started realizing the true nature of his feelings#like i dont think he fully thought “i am gay or something” i just think he started to realize the way he thought abt dwight wasn't “normal”#and he was a bit peaved like wth is Dwight's deal? nd i think thats when he started playing his pranks#and he worked up the idea that Dwight “deserved it”#and i don't think Jim's feelings for Pam are fake but i don't think its a coincidence that most of his favorite things abt her involve dwigt#like his way of impressing her and making her laugh is picking on Dwight#the moment he knew he loved her was when she introduced dwight to him (kinda??)#and when Pam starts to be buddies with dwight hes like freaked out#this guy has this weird obsessive hatred towards dwight who hasn't really done anything besides be a bit weird#and they become sorta friends after like SEVEN seasons but Dwight does NOT want his ass#but theres still moments that give a small part of jim some hope like THAT FUCKING SCENE BEFORE JIMS PERFORMANCE AT THE SABRE STORE LIKE OMG#im talking too much in tags ill probly make a follow up post#dont show this to my irls guys#jwight#jim x dwight#schrupert
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BRB thinking thoughts about Taigen's character, the TaiMizu ship, and a big chunk of fandom's perceptions regarding both those things.
(Inspired by @farintonorth's post related to this topic that just got my brain going brrrrr)
OK so let me just... start off by saying that I think that reducing stories to their tropes is seriously detrimental to the way some people are interacting with fiction, and while that honestly warrants its own post about the subject, I wanna talk specifically about how this affects the way some people in the fandom talk about Taigen and TaiMizu.
Because yeah, tropes are useful shorthand to refer to certain dynamics or archetypes etc, and they are indeed the building blocks to any story. But in a well-written story, characters and their relationships, actions, and motivations, are much more complex than just tropes. Because in a story that has characters who are more than just cardboard cutouts, their behaviours, backgrounds, motivations and all of that, are inseparable from the context of the overall story they exist in.
So like, sure, you can say Mizu and Taigen have an enemies-to-lovers or rivals-to-lovers dynamic. I also use those terms because it's easier. But I also think this is where things start to get a bit twisted, especially from an intertextual sense. Because "enemies-to-lovers" is also commonly used to refer to other ships in other media, whereby it tends to be rooted in an imbalanced power dynamic, such as oppressor-oppressed and bully-victim.
And while that's a whole can of worms that I won't be getting into because it can quickly derail into a whole separate sort of fandom discourse, I'd just like to make it clear that Mizu and Taigen, in particular, do not have an imbalanced power dynamic. They are not bully-victim or oppressor-oppressed. The only understandable reason why someone might actually think their relationship is imbalanced is if
A) they only watched the first episode, or
B) they cannot grasp the slightest bit of nuance in a character, or
C) they're being obtuse on purpose simply because the Mizu/Taigen relationship, or Taigen's character in general, just doesn't suit their tastes.
While yes, Taigen, along with his whole gang, had bullied Mizu when they were children, that dynamic does not exist between them whatsoever in adulthood. Whatever imbalanced bully-victim power dynamic that had once existed between them was decisively ripped apart the moment Mizu beat him in that duel in the dojo, and then completely obliterated by the end of the season.
Mizu is not a defenseless victim at Taigen's mercy. Mizu can beat Taigen's ass any time she wants (and she DOES, repeatedly in fact), and could even kill him if she felt like it. She taunts him openly and without fear ("I like your hair"; "I can beat you with any weapon you choose") and all he does is bark back, because that's pretty much all Taigen ever does. Time and time again, he yaps about how much he wants to kill her, but time and time again, his actions prove that all of it is just an empty threat. Because though his words say "I hate you", his actions demonstrate the complete opposite. He's shown how protective he is of Mizu, how unhesitatingly he sacrifices himself up for her, how loyal he is in enduring days-long torture to not give up information about her, how even when near-death and in pain, he's still willing to keep standing back up so he can fight by her side and help her win against her enemies.
And Mizu is not an idiot! She sees that too. She does not see him as a threat, an enemy, or even a bully. Especially not by the end of Episode 3, and definitely not by the end of the season. When she finds him in the dungeon in Episode 6, she smiles from relief, and doesn't think twice to take him with her. Mizu finds him, at best, an annoyance, or at worst, an infuriating hindrance on her quest for vengeance. Which is why, when Taigen is about to say, "It's a shame our duel's set for tomorrow; I have to kill you before you get your revenge," Mizu whacks him on the head without a second thought before he can even finish his sentence, and leaves him lying unconscious, face-down, in the snow.
And this further emphasises how he does not hold any power over her. There is no abusive power dynamic between them. She is more powerful than him, he knows this, and all he's ever done after they've met up again in adulthood is get his ass whooped by her, get mad about it and pester her and follow her around, get his ass whooped by her some more, and put his life on the line to protect her.
"OOoooOOoooH b-but he called her a demon at the end of Episode 7 and threatened to kill her again!!!" Oh my god. He called her that because he's calling her out on her selfishness to stay silent about her knowledge of Fowler's plans to attack Edo. Because to him, loyalty and honour as a samurai is more important than anything. So in his own brash-and-immature Taigen way, he felt betrayed that Mizu did not hold the same principles. That's why he got angry. He wasn't even that mad about letting Akemi get dragged off by the Tokunobu guards. It was about saving the Shogun and the Shogunate as a whole. That's why the first thing he does in Edo is not find Akemi, but try to warn the Shogun about Fowler's attack.
Look, I'm not defending his stupid ass, of course. Because calling her a demon especially after their cute little wrestling time was obviously rude and inappropriate, especially since words like "demon", "monster" and "Onryo" have had such a deep effect on Mizu throughout her life, and continue to contribute to her self-hatred. But like? That's the fun of realistic and flawed characters, and realistic and flawed relationships. They're not perfect, and it's why we as an audience root for them, wanting to see them work through their shit and find a way to prevail despite it all.
Also, him saying that was in the heat of the moment. He was angry, he felt like his initial belief of who Mizu was—a strong and loyal samurai, just like him—was shattered, and so he lashed out. Was it rude? Definitely. Was it immature of him? Yes, incredibly. But it's also very much in line with his character, because even though he's grown a lot over the course of the season, the show isn't over yet, so obviously his character arc is just beginning, as that is also the case for the other three main characters: Mizu is beginning to accept herself, Akemi is beginning to grow into her position of power, Ringo beginning to train under Master Eiji, while Taigen is beginning to simply be a better person.
On that note, when speaking of Taigen's immaturity, I think that's also one of the main things that people tend to gloss over when it comes to his character. Because when you boil everything down to its bare essentials, Taigen is, essentially, a boy. I've talked about this before, but to reiterate, Taigen very much behaves like an unhealed child. Even as an adult, he is insecure, prone to throwing tantrums, and is desperate to latch onto some material goal in hopes that it will make him feel better—initially he was chasing status/glory/greatness, and then when Mizu tells him that "Nothing comes from being a samurai but death," he immediately decides he wants to run away with Akemi in hopes that he will be happy.
And it's a big step, acknowledging that he doesn't truly want greatness, but had always just assumed it was his only path to a good life. But it's clear he still hasn't really figured it out. Because if he did run off with Akemi to get married and live in the countryside, he still wouldn't be happy. Because he still doesn't know who he really is, or what it is he really wants. Marriage at this moment is the last thing he needs, and as he is now, he would be a pretty awful husband. A simple life would be good for him, but would he be good at a simple life, when he still has so much he needs to work through?
So anyway, what I'm getting at here, is that he's trying and he is learning and growing. So yeah, he is flawed, but honestly? So is Mizu. And the funny thing is that they're flawed in very similar ways.
Because Mizu is also an unhealed child. That's why she's so angry all the time. That's why she pushes people away. That's why she, just like Taigen, is so happy when given the chance to playfully wrestle in the forge, laughing and rolling around like children without shame or pretense.
Again, this shows there is no imbalance between them. They had grown up together as peers from the same town. And while Taigen had had the upper hand back then, because he'd had a gang of other kids with him, that is definitely not the case anymore. Today, they are equally flawed, equally strong, equally skilled swordsmen, and equally bull-headed.
However, yes, Mizu is definitely leagues more mature than Taigen. But she still holds a lot of childhood wounds that mirror Taigen's own. And we see this especially in relation to her mother. Similar to Taigen who had an abusive and alcoholic father, Mizu's Mama was an opium addict and had hit her, berated her, had shaved her head without her consent as a child, and as an adult, had constantly emotionally manipulated and guilt-tripped her. Mizu's love for her Mama was what had driven her to a path of vengeance in the very beginning. And when she'd found out Mama was still alive, she had wanted nothing more than her Mama's love, and it was this alone that pushed her to agree to the marriage with Mikio in the first place. And now, knowing from Fowler that her birth mother is someone else entirely, is what makes her agree to keep him alive and haul his ass to London to seek answers.
Thus, integral to Mizu's self-hatred is also Mizu's intense longing for love and family. Just like Taigen, whose pompousness comes from his insecurity about being the son of a poor fisherman, Mizu's goals are also shaped by who her parents are. Remember, her vengeance is not against just anyone who's corrupt or evil, but specifically against the men who she believes had assaulted her mother, the men she believes had made her a monster, the men she believes had abandoned her to die and continue to try to kill her. Her vengeance is against a father, on behalf of a mother. In The Tale of the Ronin and the Bride, Mizu is not merely the Ronin, the Bride, or the Onryo, but also the Child.
This is also why Ringo is so good, not only for Mizu, but for Taigen as well. Ringo is wise and caring and considerate, but above all, he is in tune with his inner child in ways that Mizu and Taigen are not. He is always earnest and positive, he sees the world with childlike wonder, but is not naive or blind to its ugliness. His whole life has been a battle. Ringo brings out the best in Mizu, consistently acting as her moral compass and conscience, and Mizu's choice to save Akemi in the final episode is only because she promised Ringo that she would. Because it's the right thing to do. Ringo inspires her to be a better person, and to think outside of her narrow-minded goal of revenge. At the same time, Ringo also brings out the best in Taigen. While at first Taigen had looked down on both Mizu and Ringo ("Half-limb to a half-wit"), by the end of the season, he's proud to have Ringo as a friend and ally, he listens to Ringo's advice ("What would Master do?"), and asserts to the fucking Shogun that Ringo is a worthy warrior to have by his side.
Okay, I've gone on a bit of a tangent here, but my main point is that Mizu and Taigen are incredibly similar. They are equals. They are both flawed, unhealed children who are chasing some impossible outlandish goal in hopes that it will fill the void in their hearts. They also both have a long way to go in terms of character development if they were to ever build a healthy romantic relationship (either with each other, or even with anyone else). So while I believe things will be rocky (because duh, it's a story, we all live for the drama, etc), I think with Ringo's help, they'll get there eventually.
#blue eye samurai#blue eye samurai meta#mizu x taigen#taigen x mizu#taimizu#taigen blue eye samurai#mizu blue eye samurai#meta dissertations.pdf#im not a taigen defender. but i AM a taimizu truther#wank.mp3#sorta#fandom.rtf#shut up haydar#like i KNOW we all love mizu and want her for ourselves but cmon. let's be real here for a second.#ahem. hear ye! put down the delulu for a mere moment!#and ask thyself. why am i beefing with this pathetic bald man? a man who is the definition of a wet rat?#thus. my brother in nerd ass shit. i beg thee put down thy weapon. this man is not worth beefing with! he is literally... just some guy.#yes...he is bitchy. however! he is also a loser obsessed with mizu. remember this. he is not thine enemy. but simply...one of us.#also lmao like jokes aside lemme be clear. you ARE ALLOWED to hate taigen and taimizu all you like!!!! feel free to do so!!!!#but please just acknowledge it's like. a preference thing. like it's just not your cup of tea! thats A-OK!#but please dont insist that the ship is toxic unhealthy abusive etc#but if you still feel the need to do so. then for the love of god just tag your posts as anti-[insert whatever here] so it helps ppl mute#i knew how to tag shit as anti-makorra since i was fourteen! 😭 like it's basic courtesy cmon
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yaknow . ads obviously work, otherwise companies wouldn't put them everywhere, but i wanna know who in the fresh hell is falling for them. i don't think an ad, save for like,,, trailers for movies/games, has Ever worked on me. most of the time when i'm doing something and an ad interrupts me in any way i make a mental note to Not buy that product in the future outta spite.who is out here watching a febreze commercial and going Damn ur right guess im a febreze truther now
#qktalks#i can Sorta understand food commercials cuz it's sometimes hard to lookat the food in the commercial and Not want it#but like.the likelihood of me wanting it so bad that i get up and go to the store for it is like literally 0#and the likelihood of me Remembering that commercial and my craving like a week later when im actually at the store ? like 2%#i REALLY don't understand car commercials#like i get they're prolly targeting a very small audience who actually has enough money for or is actively looking to buy a car#but im just baffled it seems to be working. like they prolly wouldn't make these commercials if they didn't bring in sales#so obviously it's working.why on EARTH is it WORKING#most of them also boast abt acceleration speeds n shit which <3 imo <3 ur STOP speed should be the thing to advertise.#but that's another matter#celebrity commercials too ..... why r u more inclined to buy a coke bc some singer u like was in a coca cola commercial#why r people so obsessed w celebrities .........................ill never get it#anyway uhm . hi.bye
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ppl talking about vampires is so. interesting to me
#wick lore#partially bc im obsessed with them but also because#for system reasons#I used to be one and still sorta am#so it's like. i could say things about this. don't know if i should tho#barging into my mutuals' tags like hi yes you have questions for me#JGKLSDJGDS#hi pan hi nymph JKLGSDJG#editing to add that obviously it's like. my own interpretation of Things influences how they manifest for me#even if i feel as though i can't change any of it jgkslgd
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It kind of is! There's plenty of Digimon without guns in their designs (the majority, actually), but there's so many that I can't list them all. Here's a good few examples, though!
There's more Digimon with blades, though. You'd be amazed at how many of these fellas have swords, axes, spears, claws, and various sharp objects I can't even name.
Also, off topic but an honorable mention, there is a train digimon... like it's literally a train. I love these stupid creatures so much it's unreal.
#dusty yaps#currently lookin through the whole list of digimon and im havin a blast#like im genuinely havin fun lookin through all these goobers#still love gundramon the most though#its literally a gun robot thing#two of my favorite things combined into one?#yes please!!!#i also just adore literally any machine based digimon#theres so many im actually havin a field day with this#i can already feel the fixation reignitin#cuz i used to be unhealthily obsessed with digimon back when i was little#i distinctly remember bein in some sorta waitin room years ago#with a little TV hangin in the top corner of the room#and episodes of digimon were playin on it#i thought it was cool#went home#found the show on like Netflix or somethin#started watchin it#and BAM#i was fixated on it for god knows how long#i dont even know how i forgot it existed#maybe its because i repressed most of my childhood#i dunno
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btw to filipino moots im gna be an arenean B) or iskolar ng bayan who knows!
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#my only choices for college r the big 4 personally i'm so sorrey ... but minus ust tbh bcs i rlly dont want to be a thomasian LOL#IT'S JUST REALLY PERSONAL i don't like the culture of ust & etc . i have my reasons. dlsu is ok but ateneo or up is my Dream#may be a surprise but i've always been a straight a student and real smart :3 even in anything to do w filipino#but that is the one thing that drags my grades (slightly) down ..... but my math is so exemplary and i get perfect computer anything always#bs cs future major hereee but since i want ateneo i'm going for dual degree cs bs-dgdd#yeehaw i never talk abt really real life stuff like this but this is still okey#one day u might get a face revea but only for my eyes bcs im sorta obsessed w and unfortunately think im really cute. so#ANYWAY !!!!! excited for college tbh. scared. but yes!#i havent finished my admu app but it is due friday i am so crazy LMFAOOOOOOO but i have recos alr <3 yay <33#rlly confident in myself but i want to be careful and really get what i desevre. gna do my best and try to get top 15% AND MAYBE even 200#but that one specifically is sorta crazy but tbf i could achieve it if i study a bit more :P so ya#it's amazing bcs ... english is literally second nature to me BUT i am and have always been amazing at math & sci#always been a math kid and sci kid AND art kid AND eng kid and music too and computer#idk. just proud of myself. i love me lol#there's a lot to it but no need to get into specifics :3 im just happy w myself yay!
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this is a really specific vent(?) post. im processing things by putting them in words. its not serious, feel free to ignore me lol
i just want to say that a couple years ago when i was in the beginning stages of researching autism (and would soon realize i am most likely autistic) i was in a relationship. and communication in a relationship is So Very important to me. I would constantly ask how he was (obviously it was more specific to whatever situation was going on) and he would always say he was fine. If I had even the Slightest hint that he wasn't actually Fine (like 19 times out of 20) i would continue asking if he was sure and if he wanted to talk, and he continued to say he was fine. half the time i assumed he meant it and i read the situation wrong, the other half of the time i assumed he didn't want to talk about it.
he ended up breaking up with me because i
"didn't pick up on some things"
"what kind of things?" i asked
"idk, just, things."
and he had been talking to my friend (U) about our relationship, and telling her that i wasn't picking up on things. she got mad at me and we had a "fight" for a short time, she thought i was being a bad partner, and her sister (M) (who is toxic and possessive) felt like i wasn't spending enough time with her, so she complained about it to their mom, who got mad at U for it for some reason? so U also brought all that up, telling me M felt left out. (i wasn't leaving M out of anything, i was sitting with my partner at lunch half of the time, she was welcome to join, but didnt, looking back i think M has RSD and maybe i should have been more direct when moving to a new location to explicitly invite her) (U was also not in school at the time due to covid, so its not like i was spending more time with her over M, which is something M would get so upset about if she perceived it to be that way [she was incredibly possessive of me as a friend and the extent of it made me feel like an object tbh])
U never brought up the issues my partner talked about, because that's how we are, we don't make it known someone was venting to us, to respect their privacy, but it fueled her emotions during our "argument" so i really only heard her being mad at me for not including M, (which i later learned is because M's emotions were made to be her problem when they shouldn't have, this has been a running problem so it wasnt that surprising to learn) so i started spending more time with M, but it was school, and i had work, so schedules only allowed so much time, and any time I was with M (lunch and one class) was when i was also with my partner, but i had other classes with him so i assumed it was fine, but he started drifting away (also around a time i attempted to communicate something important about our relationship, which ended up making him uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything about it until we had a conversation after breaking up)
i was stuck in a place where i felt like no one around me communicated how they felt and still expected me to understand them and do what they wanted me to do
U and i recently reflected on this and realized my ex was a shitty communicator (he and his next partner also broke up because he didn't say how he felt and expected them [also most likely autistic] to... just kinda know ig?) and that she should have gotten my side of the story (she had no idea i was frequently checking on him and trying to get him to talk to me)
and that she wasnt actually upset at me about M, she was upset that people were making it her problem, and she was especially upset during this reflection to learn that M was not being left out at all, she was just doing That Thing again where she wanted me to be Her friend and Only Her friend.
U AND I ARE NOT MAD AT EACH OTHER FOR ANY OF THIS, I WAS NEVER MAD AT U AND U WAS ONLY MAD ABOUT HER PERCEPTION OF THE SITUATION, AND ONLY FOR A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, EVERYTHING IS FINE
so basically i went like a year and a half thinking that people were rightfully mad at me and i was too self absorbed to pay attention to other peoples' emotions and i started learning how to read people again (clearly my body language research from middle school wasn't cutting it anymore) only for me to realize i just need people to be a little more direct that allistic people typically are, and those specific people were just being dogshit at communicating, (even for allistic people, relative to my needs)
anyways highschool post-covid was Really Fucking Weird and socially stressful for me
TL;DR reflecting on my communication needs not only not being met, but being far undershot for even a "normal" persons needs and how i was convinced I was the problem because of circumstances
#U and i are best friends and have been for 7 years now#U and M are twins#M and i barely talk anymore now that she has Other Friends (grateful tbh)#i know i previously brought up having an ex bf with messy hair and eyeshadow. this ex was Not Him#(my identity as a lesbian was shakey in highschool- i was figuring things out)#(i had several “girlfriends” in middle school (all lasting less than a week after the first because religious guilt))#(but in highschool i had two separate boyfriends and zero girlfriends)#oh god my first ex is such a fucking story but thats for another time#also the ex in this post was like. REALLY fucking obsessed with spiderman#it was great frfr#but it made anything spiderman related super weird for me for a like a year after the breakup#he broke up with me On our 7 month anniversary like right after school got out for summer#the next school year was awkward bc he was in one of my year long classes and we had a LOT of mutual friends#he also started dating his next partner like a week or two after breaking up with me#i was also pushing down ALL my emotions at this time so when i finally Let Myself Feel Things a couple months later i played Good 4 U a LOT#17 was a fucking weird year for me frfr#honestly ALL of my teenage years have been rough and i have never actually let myself acknowledge that before This Moment#and that feels really weird to say because im technically still a teenager#this post ended up way fucking longer than i thought it was gonna be#(also going back to the middle school “relationships” ive sorta-almost-dated a good handful of people#but i only consider 3 people to actually be “exes”)
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just finished jade war. Um ‼️
#girl. i have never been more stressed reading a book oh my goddddd those final few chapters had me by the fucking throat#i gasped countless times. i had to put the book down and PACE and that never happens ever .......#every moment i wasn't reading my gut was roiling with anxiety wondering what was going to happen next#fonda lee had me on the edge of my fucking seat that's for sure#okay im going to talk about spoilers now so look away if you must#THE DEATH SCARES WITH RU AND WEN AND ANDEN HAD ME SCREAMINGGGGG I WAS SO SCARED WTF#also we Love the poetic cinema of anden’s climactic scene in the first book being him taking away life and then in this book#it's him giving life back#LOVE!!!!!!! and he was always good at channeling so it ties in beautifully#also this is sooooo trivial but even though i was actually kind of heartbroken he broke things off with cory—#i hope he can try something with lott 👀 like. please....he had a crush on this emo kid for the longest time back at the academy. so cute#but i mean they're two very different people now so i'd understand if that doesn't happen but now that anden is back in janloon i really#hope he and lott can like. spend more time together and get to catch up#ANYWAY!!!!!! i need to talk about BERO bc for some reason i ended up getting sooo attached to him#like yeah he's an awful street rat who's done awful things but he's just trying to make something out of his life#also Love how he's bestowed with such turbulent luck as it's stated over and over again like literally Anything could happen to bero#but i was kinda sad when mudt jr was murdered (that scene gave me chills btw it was so horrific...green bones don't mess around)#bc he and bero Were kinda sorta friends and i loved their constant bickering and how they did come to appreciate each other's company :(#also obsessed with how the books start and end with bero like oh shit i wonder what godawful scheme he's trying to pull off now#boy....just let it rest!!!! you have a proper job at a restaurant now you could make a normal life for yourself!!!!#now he wants to ruin the clans by joining the rebellion.....of courseeeee#anyway bero is a delight and i love seeing where fate takes him he really is a plaything of the gods#god i still can't believe kehn is dead :(((( are you fucking kidding me. AND MARO. that was fucked up.#also hellooooo i need ayt madashi pov chapters right nowwwww she's such an enigma she's so scary i need to know what goes on in her head#also. girl. the cycle of violence is going to keep happening over and over as long as rhe clans still stand :/#the mountain and no peak are just going to keep trying to get the upper hand on each other no matter how much they talk about peace#maybe i agree with and support bero after all hfkshfhdh maybe a rebellion is what's needed after all#bc they're just going to keep going at each other's throats#i need jade legacy right nowwww hopefully i get it from the library in the next few days
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anon mohgwyn here! just read your mohg x miquella love in abundance series and hoo boy.
it's fucking fantastic. the way you write mohg as this devoted, almost zealous fanatic of miquella's amorphous form, how he is love and truth embodied. how miquella is characterised: he is the most fierce empyrean, and likely would not have let mohg take him if it did not play into his plans: he promised malenia he would return, after all. and yet miquella cannot help but control, in that bewitching nature of his, ironically the very thing he wishes to eliminate from the ring and order.
fhfhhfhfhrhhfhdhdhdhhdhdhdhdhdhdh I'm Soooo glad you're groking what im trying to do with them. Like, I know as soon SotE comes out literally every part of Miquella's characterization in that fic will be made ooc, bc let's be real, it's A Stretch with what's in the game as is (and Mohg is just an oc at this point). but For now he is a glorious manipulative selfish godling who represents half of the change from the stagnation that came before him while still carrying everything that caused that stagnation in the first place within himself.
Like, people more versed in the lore and development have said it better but there's So much that feels flubbed with Miquella's side of the story. And hindsight, it's probably because a chunk of it was cut out late in development to be used in SotE and so much of Mohg's everything was obviously scrapped at some point, But By God if fromsoft doesn't let him be more than a damsel in distress i will riot. Malenia the coolest hardest boss says Miquella was above even her, and in the game he got kidnapped by a shitty sewer cultist who lives in a gross swamp with his little chortling henchmen... without Malenia noticing or Miquella doing jack shit about it. It Doesn't line up.
Sorry i have So many thoughts about them in my skull at all times and they're all tripping over eachother rn bc I'm Excited about it. There's something There. If you squint. they're the exact type of fucked up that appeals to me specifically and I love them in a "by god what is Wrong with you?" way. They're the fuhken, reason i bought the game because i saw the bullshit going down with them in a let's play and just needed to get a closer look.
#i am So fucking unwell about them#I have like 80?% of the fic fully typed out#and just have the sinewy bits between the big bits to go#but those sinewy bits ar largely like#Mohg and Malenia sitting around being bored and slowly bonding#Dealing with their mutual jealousy and anxiety about what the other ones pressence means for their relationship with Miquella#Like Malenia trusts her brother but she cant Not be scared that this shithead is going to replace her as his guard.#Mohg could help Miquella in a way Malenia simply couldn't. and that terrifies her. She defines herself as the fucking Blade of Miquella.#And Mohg is of course fully aware Malenia could make him into a paste in 2 seconds flat#and that no matter what Miquella feels for him#hey i just realized im rambling#Sorry i got excited im Really brainsick about these two and my guy friend can only be expected to tolerate So much of that#so it just#leaks out.#God i have another fic for them percolating in my brain#and a future chapter/sorta side thing thats getting major edits about 90% of the way done#Miquella's characterization in it is piss but im Obsessed with it to the point ive stripped it out and made a new oc. to just have in my#pocket for stuff that like. Bloodlilly adjacent but not Quite right for them#Which is why grinning thing is blond.#im obsessed with that fic in general. As soon as I clean up miqy's characterization and make mohg 5% more unhinged im posting it#it was meant to be a smut fic but its uhhhhhhhhhhhh 5k words of Miquella having a Mohg's shackle based crisis.#bc i accidentally killed patches and through that was reminded of mohgs shackles existence and though hee hoo a smut can be done#and now its about Miquella's guilt over being more than willing to hurt mohg and Mohg being really into that.#And Miquella's guilt over being Really Really into That.#anyways youve stopped reading by now and im going insane Not talking about it. But the fic has a body count now. Its one of the twins.#which isnt a spoiler really because every single character in the fic is a twin. Hell#even the Author is a twin. So who knows what the future holds! besides a twin getting ganked and me crying about it
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#so thinking abt my inability to do things in thr context of my 0cd is interesting. bc i would say my primary problem is my obsessive#compulsive behavior and inflexibility. idk if thr inflexibility is inherent to me bc its part of the reason i got stamped with aut1sm or but#its part of what maked it so hard to tell if i had 0cd or not. bc im just so fucking rigid and structured abt literally everything without#any reason. y do i have to do X thing and i cant do Y thing? idk my brain just says i cant. which kinda does align with 0cd more or just#like something compulsive. and its sorta weird bc i think im a lot more aligned with purely obsessional 0cd. so i dont do a lot of external#ritual. its more abstract. like constantly i have to work or b perfect or else i start getting intrusive thoughts. always thr same ones. and#to make them go away i have to physically suffer usually thru overworking to my mental breaking point or sometimes more direct ways#when its really bad. and then i have to keep working. and i do a lot of fucking ruminating. fucking constand catogorizing and pathological#self reflection. again i have high standards and high affinity for self punishment which is a lot to deal with. its exhausting and misery#making. and the annoying thing is that im like this for a reason. i mean it makes sense. having a learning disability plus bad short term#working memory plus some mood weirdness. ive created a structure that makes me productive but also creates so much pressure thst i cant#function at all sometimes. and whats worse is that even then even with the amount of checking i do i am still a master of fucking up the lil#things. i forgot to write my name in the autoclave list and caused problems for ppl bc i forgot when i went up there Even tho i new i needed#to. i also forgot to put thr foam cap on a liquid nitrogen tank which would have been SO FUCKING BAD if it all evaporated. so many samples#woulf have been lost bc i just fucking forgot to put it back. that was just this week. idk i just forget things like that. i left a freezer#door open in hs and we lost everything in the freezer. i also fucked up an whole experiment by not reading a schedule right. and its really#frustrating not being able to trust that youve done the right thing in the past. not to mention all the bullshit i mislabel but thats more#dys1exia realated. alas. i check and check and get anxious spikes of: FUCK DID I DO X? for a reason. but also its no fun#unrelated
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i have this very specific idea that i want to write but itd be. a lot longer than what i usually do and that makes me nervous lol. i loooove abo and i never see any abo stuff for obey me so i wanna do it. been kinda working on it? but mostly just hcs for how the various boys are in this au lol
#the specific idea is alpha!reader and everyone else is omega#idk i just like the idea of being an alpha and living w 7 omegas heheh#but its just been pretty small hcs like asmos pheromones smell like peaches sorta thing#debating between it being like a proper multi chap thing#or separate oneshots based on a setup chap#im sooooooo obsessed w abo actually haha#reminds me i should buy the rest of megumi and tsugumi its really good#talkpost#not q'd
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Ppl who are in fandoms for YouTubers I beg u to get better hobbies please
#even when i rlly liked youtubers the idea of being into them and treating them like fictional characters and drawing ship art was . strange#liking a youtuber and being in a 'fandom' are different things. these r real adult men.#real adult men who dont know u exist and would probably be like disturbed if they knew u were obsessed with them#like they were some kind of anime boy#im autistic i understand liking things that are weird but also its just kindaa. idk ... invasive and creepy#i have bpd i also understand latching onto ppl i get it but like u have to sorta confront urself if this is like . healthy or appropriate#why cant u ppl realize how dehumanizing and disrespectful u are being to these like. real human beings u have never met b4
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I often times find myself wondering when interacting with people "am I doing this right?'"
It used to be even more often, I probably was really anxious about it back then. Now... not so much? I still find myself worrying a bit. And especially trying to find the correct "answer" or action to say or do. But. It's not really by any fault of my own. It's just what's expected of me in social situations doesn't always come naturally. So I'm awkward. But idk. While I'll always probably try to find the right answer for things, I'm a bit less worried than I used to be. And I suppose that's something good in a way.
#normal#oh. i dont have to be like this. i can do something different#who the fuck am i really.#diary#personal#i honeslty didnt even think this would turn out to be positive. like. i thought its be a bit more down.#but idk. despite knowing im probably doing a lot of things wrong. im still a bit happier this way.#its been a long while since ive just done things that are more true to myself and now worried about the consequences. so its kinda nice#idk. obviously in places like work i mask much more. but at a coffee shop. or talking with friends. or even alone in my bedroom -#i do it much less. i used to be so self-conscious. i wouldn't even dance alone in my room. its strange to think thats -#just how much pressure society exibits. its impressive really. id try not to do things incase it wasnt#i think in a way the internet really saved me from a lot of that. yeah it probably exasperated some of my problems but it also helps too?#i can find communities and learn about things i love even if i dont participate.#i suppose its nice just knowing#and thats opened up a lot of avenues for me. like. knowing i dont need to be in a relationship. that i can collect stuffed toys.#that i can be obsessed with something stupid. just. a lot of small things like that? it sorta takes off that huge pressure to conform.#idk. i used to be so fixated on conforming and participating. and my mom quite litterally taught me to.#she always used to tell me about how when she had to move around she had to make consessions like that.#or how she didnt like it either just talking with the girls or whatever. so i sorta just thought of it all as normal.#so i just tried more and more and more to press myself into a mold without ever really caring what i liked. or thought#like. i knew what i wanted. but that wasnt right. so i id just. cut off bits n peices of myself.#i remember being oh so frustrated thinking and its so odd to think of now.#because now i just am. and even when im sad im happy. its peaceful really.#really though. being able to label things. and figure out stuff about myself and psychology and everything was amazing#im really glad ive both changed so much - yet really not at all at the same time#i still like the same things i did when i was 6. im still exactly the same at my core tbh.#but im much different from who i was in my teens. to me it really feels like just accepting who i always was.#and like. letting myself be who i was and am. i am me and thats sorta that?#idk. im just philosophizing myself yet again. but i also really enoys doing that XD
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