#why r people so obsessed w celebrities .........................ill never get it

[quirkle2]

yaknow . ads obviously work, otherwise companies wouldn't put them everywhere, but i wanna know who in the fresh hell is falling for them. i don't think an ad, save for like,,, trailers for movies/games, has Ever worked on me. most of the time when i'm doing something and an ad interrupts me in any way i make a mental note to Not buy that product in the future outta spite.who is out here watching a febreze commercial and going Damn ur right guess im a febreze truther now

[stxn-the-mxn]

The Gift Of You || College!Steddie

IT Secret Santa Gift for @maxine-gayfield​

IT Secret Santa Organized by @itfandomprompts​

***

November 11th, 1994

“I just don’t understand why they need to do… this?” Stan furrowed his eyebrows, watching as a boy he recognized from his history class and a girl he had never seen before hung up another garland across the hallway. He acknowledged that the garland was a nice shade of green, and it was pretty to look at, but that didn’t change his opinion on it.

Eddie, who could barely see through his layers upon layers of beanies and scarves, turned to Stan, seeing the contempt in his eyes. He followed Stan’s eyes to the winter garland that draped across the wall, just brushing the top of a doorframe.

“People get excited for Christmas, Stan. It’s bigger than Hannukah, especially here. But that doesn’t mean we can’t cele-” 

“No, no, I don’t care about that. It’s fucking November.” 

“Oh.” Eddie blinked in surprise, as Stan’s hands curled into fists. He was almost shocked at how frustrated Stan was getting. Sure, he knew that Stan often felt left out at Christm- December,

(Eddie had sworn to Stan that he would be inclusive around the holiday season. Stan had told him he didn’t have to do that, but Eddie had smiled sweetly and crossed his fingers over his heart)

but he hadn’t expected Stan to get so annoyed at people hanging up decorations early. Maybe, a thought occurred to him, Stan would be less annoyed if it weren’t just typical Christmas decorations being hung up everywhere. But then again, maybe Stan meant what he said and he was just frustrated that it was only November. 

Let’s hope that Stan avoided any and all shopping malls until December.

“-vember is way too early for holiday decorations. It’s barely been two weeks since Halloween, yknow?” Eddie glanced up at Stan again, his neck hurting a little, due to their difference in height.

Eddie used to complain about his small, 5’5 height in comparison to Stan’s 5’8 height, or anyone else’s height quite regularly, so much so that Stan had once made a comment that their heights were not that different, and Eddie was simply being dramatic. Eddie hadn’t said anything about his height since.

“Stanny, I think you’re being a bit dramatic.” Eddie hummed, a small smirk on his face as he remembered the height conversation, his voice muffled through a scarf that he’d moved to warm up his face more. Stan huffed, but shifted his thoughts away from the decorations, and instead listened to Eddie talk about whatever his mom had sent a letter about this time.

As Eddie spoke, fumbling over his own words as he complained about his overbearing mother, Stan took one last look at the decorations that plagued the college hallway and made a mental note of the date.

November 11th. 44 days until Christmas.

***

November 20th, 1994

“So, you want to celebrate Christmas for the first time, because of Wheezy?” Richie Tozier snorted, eyeing his curly-haired dormmate over the top of his comic book. Richie had not stopped laughing since Stan had slammed open the door and collapsed on his bed, muttering unrecognizable sentences under his breath.

These sentences, as one might come to wonder about them, were very much related to the day Stanley had spent with Eddie. These comments were in no way negative. Stan would never dream of saying anything even remotely harsh to the smaller boy. No, these comments, as anyone who heard them could tell you, were simply muffled confessions of a newly burning adoration.

“Yes, I do. And his name is Eddie, thank you very much.” Stan rolled his eyes at Richie, a common occurrence in their dorm.

Richie, however, was well aware that his name was Wheezy. Not only did he share some classes with the boy, but he slept in close proximity of Stan, and that reminded him of the brunette boy’s name enough. Stanley Uris had a terrible habit of talking in his sleep. 

“Okay, so, you - a Jew - want to celebrate Christmas - a not Jewish holiday - because of some boy that you like?” 

“Yes. Wai- No, I don’t like him!” Stan glared at Richie, who simply shrugged his shoulders in response, the smirk across his face kept hidden behind his comic. Stan, in a moment of defeat, slumped back onto his bed, unaware of the conversation happening across the hallway.

***

“Ben, it’s just not fair! He’s too pretty to be real.” Eddie groaned, his pale skin flustered so much that his freckles were practically hidden. Ben Hanscom, who had been trying his hardest to finish his architectural sketch and not giggle at Eddie’s predicament, gave up and put his pencil down.

“Deal with it, Eddie. Some people are just too pretty.” He mused, eyes drifting to the set of four photobooth pictures pinned to the wall, flaming red hair drawing in his focus.

“But I don’t wanna deal with it!” Eddie whined, shoving his face into his pillow, leaving Ben on the verge of a giggling mess. “Why can’t- why can’t he deal with it, and be- be less pretty?” 

“Well, I don’t think you’d like that, would you?”

“No… I suppose not. Fuck, I hate when you’re right.” Eddie, upon hearing Ben’s triumphant laughter, stuck out his middle finger, frustrated grumbles spilling from his lips. Eddie’s fist met his mattress repeatedly, each impact paired with a sweet, but angrily spoken, comment on Stan.

Ben, figuring he wasn’t going to be having another conversation with Eddie for a while, stood up and walked over to there calendar. It had been a gift from Sonia Kaspbrak, who had no clue how to give suitable presents to her son and had presented him with a calendar with a different health fact each day.

Ben ripped off that day and its fact (blood makes up about 8% of your total body weight) revealing the new fact for the 21st of November.

November 21st, 34 days until Christmas.

***

November 30th, 1994

“Benjamin Peter Hanscom, I am 100%, without a doubt, completely and utterly in love with Stanley Reuben Uris.”

Ben, who had not been expecting Eddie so early, almost knocked poor Beverly off the bed in shock. Bev, who had simply wanted to spend time with her boyfriend, gaped at Eddie, his words coming as a surprise to her.

“Ben, why aren’t you saying anyt- oh, hi, Bev.” Eddie collapsed on his bed, which had become a regular occurrence since Eddie had realised he had any semblance of feelings for Stan. 

Oh, he definitely had feelings for Stan. Stan, who would barely speak up in class, but always had so much to say. Stan, who would always wait for Eddie outside the classes they didn’t share. Stan, who knew Eddie’s order at every nearby restaurant and cafe. Stan, who was a straight-A student, yet would sometimes arrive late to class due to being distracted by a bird.

Stan, who Eddie could talk about for hours. 

Yeah, he absolutely had feelings for Stan.

Looking up, Eddie saw the awkward expressions on Beverly and Ben’s faces and rolled over to face the wall and not them.

“Continue. I’m not watching.”

***

“You’re in love with Wheezy! You’re in love with Wheezy! You’re in love wi-”

“Yes, Richie! We get it, okay? Stan’s in love with Eddie.” Mike placed his hand over Richie’s mouth, only to receive the sensation of Richie’s tongue across his skin. “You, Richie, are disgusting.”

“S-so, Stan, when did you r-realise you liked, or love, him?” He watched as Stan’s cheeks lit up red, a smirk now adorning Bill’s face. “I’m sorry, S-Stan, is love too strong a word f-for you?”

“You guys need to shut up!” Stan cried out, leaving the other three boys in fits of laughter. “Oh, fuck you guys!”

“Cmon, Stan, you know we’re just messing with you, right?” Mike sat beside Stan, patting his back comfortingly, while Bill and Richie continued to laugh. Now, as cruel as it may seem for Bill and Richie to find such humour in Stan’s feelings, they were actually quite happy and proud of their best friend.

“Hey, Rich?” The glasses-clad boy looked over at Stan. “What would- I can’t fucking believe I’m asking you this- What would you do if you thought you’d found your soulmate?”

“Whoa, Stan the Man! You saying that Kaspbrak’s your soulmate?” Mike exclaimed, springing to his feet. Bill and Richie’s eyes widened as Stan fiddled with his fingers.

“Well… yeah. Do I sound insane, or ridiculous or obsessive or-”

“You and Eddie are absolutely soulmates. Just ask him out. If he doesn’t say yes, you can just go out with me.” Richie smiled and tried to pull Stan into an affectionate embrace, trying to keep up a serious facade, Stan slapping his arms away and laughing loudly.

“How do you ask someone out?” Stan asked, earning eye rolls from his three friends.

“W-well, it’s got to be special. And important. Especially to Eddie.” 

Stan wracked his mind for something special and important to Eddie. And of course, things that might actually make Eddie say yes. That, to Stan, meant no disease, no illness, nothing that reminded Eddie of his mother.

“Wait! Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan!” Richie shook the curly-haired boy by his shoulders, Stan simply rolling his eyes in response.

“Yes, Richard?”

“Didn’t you tell me you wanted to celebrate Christmas because of Eddie?”

Stan, in a moment of realisation and possible brilliance, bolted to the calendar.

“It’s the 30th of November. I have 25 days to give Eddie the best Christmas of his life.”

***

24 Days Until Christmas

“G’morning Stan!” Eddie’s cheerful voice called down the hall, causing Stan to choke on his peppermint latte and almost spill the gingerbread hot chocolate in his hand. As Eddie practically bounded over to Stan, the taller boy took in his appearance. Eddie’s cheeks were flushed red, and the white flakes of snow on his head stood out among his chestnut curls.

He looked utterly adorable and Stan could only just keep himself composed.

“How are you, Eddie?” Stan smiled, not unaware of Richie standing not too far behind Eddie, gesturing crudely at the pair of boys.

“Well, it’s December 1st, and Ben got up early to decorate for Christmas, so I’m in quite a festive mood.” Eddie smiled, remembering the string of red, yellow and green lights that had woken him up.

Stan blushed at the sight of Eddie’s wide smile, and the way his hair bounced as he shook out the snow. The burning sensation tingling through Stan’s hand reminded him of the drink he was still holding.

“Oh! Eddie, I brought you a drink. I remembered you texting me at, like, 2am about how excited you were for a gingerbread hot chocolate, so I thought I’d get you one.” Stan breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t stammered or messed up his words.

“Fuck, Stanley, I love you. I can’t believe you remembered!”

Stan froze at Eddie’s words, the dorkiest smile imaginable breaking out across his face. He handed Eddie the cup, laughing softly as he aggressively started drinking it. It was almost gone in a minute, Eddie giggling awkwardly as he realised he’d downed the whole thing.

Stan was yet to tear his eyes away from the small brunette, eyes open wide in pure shock and admiration. His next words barely matched a whisper.

“How could I forget.”

***

18 Days Until Christmas

“Eddie? Really?” Beverly sighed as she watched Eddie shove a bobby pin into the lock. Sure, he could’ve just asked Richie for the key, but as if that dickweed would just hand them over. Especially if he knew why.

Beverly and Ben had boxes stacked to the skies that Eddie had filled with decorations and other surprises he’d bought the past week. He could only hope that Stan would like the surprises too.

Click!

“Fuck yeah!” Eddie swung the door open, only to be met with Richie, Mike and Bill’s scared faces as they huddled together.

“The fuck are you doing here?” Tozier screeched, pushing up his glasses that were slipping off.

“No point in lying now,” Eddie groaned. “I- We were planning on decorating Stan’s dorm. I’ve spent the past week shopping for Hannukah items and simple decorations in Stan’s favourite colours. That’s what we’re doing here.”

Bill and Mike shared a knowing look with Ben and Bev, while Richie let squeaky laughs to escape through his smiling face.

“That’s kinda gay, Kaspbrak!”

“Oh, go suck your boyfriend’s dick, Tozier.”

The two continued to bicker, as Bill and Mike moved to help Ben and Bev unload the boxes. In the time it took for Richie and Eddie to calm themselves down and move on, the other four had already hung up all of the blue and silver decorations, and were in the process of stringing up the little bird-shaped fairy lights Eddie had hunted down for three days.

“Hey! I was meant to hang this all up!” Eddie gasped, genuinely upset.

“Don’t worry, Spaghetti, they left the most important part for you,” Richie said, handing the extremely expensive menorah (which had cost Eddie all his savings. But it was for Stan, so he didn’t care.) over to Eddie, being careful not to drop it.

Eddie placed it carefully on Stan’s desk, making sure it didn’t disrupt the perfect order that Stan kept everything in. Once that was done, Eddie left the room, Bev and Ben not too far behind.

10 minutes later, Stan unlocked the door and gasped in surprise. There was barely an empty area of wall, and usually, this would have upset Stan, but when he took a moment to actually examine the festive explosion, it brought a smile to his face.

Blue, silver and birds.

Three out of four of his favourite things. His fourth favourite thing was Eddie. And there, on his desk, was the most gorgeous menorah he’d ever seen. He was so enchanted by the new item on his desk, he hadn’t noticed Richie reading another comic.

“It’s gorgeous,” Stan spoke, seemingly to himself.

“Yeah, Wheezy did quite a good job,” Richie muttered, almost causing Stan to scream in shock.

“Wh- Eddie did this?” 

“Yeah, who else? Me? Nah, I’ll leave this kind of sappy shit to your tiny boyfriend.”

“He’s not my bo- I don’t care. He did all this for me?”

“Jesus, Stanley, get it through your head. Yes, he did it for you. Now go run to his dorm, sweep him off his feet and fuck for god sake.” Richie sighed, more serious than he’d ever sounded.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

***

10 Days Until Christmas

“No. I’m not hanging Mistletoe in the doorway, Benny. That’s a stupid plan.” Eddie sighed, tossing the leaves behind him. Ben sighed, reaching down to pick up the discarded decoration. 

“But wasn’t that your plan?”

“It was. But that’s so basic. And there’s no consent because of “tradition”, which is stupid and dumb. And it’s a Christmas tradition and I want it to be more… Stan, y’know?”

Ben sighed again, burying his head in his hands. Eddie was truly one of the most frustrating people he’d ever had to deal with, but he loved the boy nonetheless, and all he wanted to do was help his friend get together with the boy he was so clearly in love with.

“Fine, we’re scrapping Mistletoe. What else you got?” Ben queried, staring at Eddie with an inquisitive look. He was quite intrigued to see what Eddie could come up with.

“What if- and I know this sounds stupid- but what if I gave Stan a Hannukah present, but the present was me and I kiss him? Is that stupid?”

Ben stared in shock. Never did he imagine that Eddie Kaspbrak, the resident germaphobe, who sometimes screamed at the slightest breath on him and ran miles away from any cough or sneeze, was thinking of kissing Stan Uris.

Ben couldn’t assume that Eddie hadn’t thought of kissing Stan before, because there was no way he hadn’t. But Eddie was ready to put his thoughts into action. Ben couldn’t help but be proud of him.

“Fuck. Ben, I’m going out. December 25th is too far away.”

Eddie sped out of the room, not giving time for Ben to process his words. When the realisation dawned on him, the smile on his face swelled, and he rushed after Eddie, excited to see what he did.

***

“Stan The Man! You’re gonna kiss Wheezy as a Christmas-Hannukah present? Now that’s a move!” Richie nudged Stan in the shoulder, only receiving a light shove back. Stan was an alarming shade of red, which only made Richie happier.

“Shut the fuck up, Tozier. I’m only doing it cause Mike told me to.”

“No, I didn’t.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Hanlon. I’m not in the mood.” Stan laughed softly, as did Mike and Richie. When the laughter fell to silence, Stan began to mull over his tumbling thoughts. Fuck, was he really going to kiss Eddie? Yes. Yes, he fucking was.

“Hey, guys?” The two boys hummed in response, gazing up at their friend. “What if I… didn’t wait until Christmas?”

Their eyes widened, and so did Richie’s smile.

“Stan my man! That’s what I’m talking about! Sweep the little fucker off his feet and kiss him until he has an asthma attack! Go, you fucknut, and get your man!” Richie headlocked Stan, ruffling his already messy curls.

“I believe in you, Stanley. As Richie said; go get your man!” Mike cheered, clapping him on the back.

“I also said fucknut.” Richie stated through laughs, to which Stan simply rolled his eyes, a smile evident on his face. Stan stood up from his bed and headed for the door, ignoring the cheers and wolf-whistles from his friends.

He swung open the door, only to be met with Eddie’s closed fist, as if he were about to know on the door.

“Eddie!” Stan exclaimed, his voice breaking in surprise.

“Stan! Sorry for almost punching you…” Eddie sighed, dropping his arm to his side, letting it swing awkwardly. “Oh! You’re probably wondering why I’m at… your door and very clearly trying to get in, since I was about to knock… I really am sorry for almost punching you. So uh, basically, I was going to wait until Christmas- sorry, Hannukah- but I couldn’t wait so now I’m here and I’m so sorry for just showing up but I ju-”

Their lips moved perfectly together, their bodies moulding as if they were clay being sculpted into each other. Time seemed to slow as Eddie grabbed Stan’s waist and Stan grabbed Eddie’s face, both pulling each other closer.

“You need to stop apologising,” Stan murmured, drawing Eddie nearer. “Just keep kissing me.”

Mike stood from his viewing position, shutting the door, much to Richie’s frustration. Ben coughed awkwardly and scurried off to his dorm, leaving Eddie and Stan in the empty hallway, their lips still brushing against each other.

“Happy Hannukah, Stan.”

“Merry Christmas, Eddie.”

[bpdkipland]

literally do them all lmao For the strawberry: a lizard person, a little gray alien, an orb, and the Burger King himself For mr horse: ur opinion on the Charmin toilet paper bears

thank you so much anon fuc ily 

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone? 

yikes startin out w a hard one then um when i was a kid i had such a stressful emotional time that it caused me to wet the bed until i was like 12 or 13? it was fuct up 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? 

probs my crush or my friend jacob bc he gives gr8 hugs ♥♥

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why? 

Lugia bc when i was little i had a card that was all holographic and it had lugia on it. i never really got super into pokemon lol 

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like? 

oh god it would be a mess 

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? 

honestly the only one coming to mind is the one i had as a kid where this creature opened up its head and ate my sister and im still scared of going outside in the dark to this day bc of it 

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend? 

i have multiple best friends but theyre mostly all there for me whenever i need them? like one time jacob drove from the other side of town to give me earbuds bc i had lost mine 

😘 talk about your crush or partner 

GOD my crush is a literal angel???? like????? hoy fuk i love her so much she’s so sweet and kind and caring and she just radiates light and love and i got to kiss her on new years ♥♥♥♥

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back? 

depends on HOW rude they were. like,... i was nice to my ex for so long lol 

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!) 

i like my nose, freckles, and the fact that im Nice

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it? 

well its being abandoned by everyone i love and guess what thats starting to happen and im coping lmao

🎁 what never fails to make you happy? 

this video

💙 what annoys you about some people? 

if they chew with their fockin mouth open i die 

😤 do you get angry easily? 

nope i actually am pretty slow to anger lol 

🐇 what do you always daydream about? 

do intrusive thoughts of people coming on to me count 

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change? 

well no offense but republicans would be illegal. sent off to an island not allowed to communicate with the rest of the world lol, strawberries would be in season year round, and weed would be legal bc i cant think of anything else 

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry? 

kiss: orb ♥♥befriend: lizard person kill: k i l l t h e b o r g (burger king) marry: gray alien 

✈️ what is your dream city and why? 

ive not been to any good cities so i dont know 

☕️ talk about your ideal day 

hanging out with all my friends, they dont all hate each other, we all watch movies in a big cuddle puddle and im in the middle of it ♥♥

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert? 

definitely an ambivert. 

💧 when was the last time you cried? 

fuck????? i dont remember???? my eyes welled up yesterday does that count 

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment 

in no particular order: 1. Come On Eileen 2. Insomnia (by Dirty Heads) 3. Birdhouse in Your Soul4. Ana Ng5. Moving On (by James)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? 

pyrokinesis so i can light all abusers on fire lol 

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? 

Listen, kid, there’s a reason you hate yourself and there’s a reason you wanna die all the time but lemme tell you, it ain’t worth it. those hospital stays aren’t worth it. you might not believe it but you’re over 250 days clean! didn’t think you’d make it this far, huh? you also made it to 18 years of age. you’re gonna be okay, kid. 

💚 who are you jealous of and why? 

myself when i’m in a nice mood bc like??? shut yo nice ass up 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why? 

bravery honestly. i have reasons but i dont have words for the reasons rn 

🙊 what are you ashamed of? 

um that secret i told the fuck

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn? 

i know English and tiny bits of French and i’d love to become fluent in French and Italian? 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? 

i wanna be best friends with mike wazowski 

☁️ talk about your dream universe. 

???????

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today? 

it’s a bit late but did do some dishes for my mom cleaned off my desk so i could start painting again :> 

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why? 

new c/r/yptid: Lance Cube.

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike 

y’know when ur eyes just start crying when the rest of u is fine?? like wow i didnt know i was supposed to be emotional but ig???? 

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately 

i’m anxious because my doctors office isnt giving my medical records to the michigan works people im working with so they cant open a case for me, making it so they cant help me find a job bc of my mental illnesses 

   🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

 i wanted to be a veterinarian but now i wanna be a zookeeper 

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods? 

i loooove peach rings and sour patch kids and !!!! strawberry shortcake 

🍑 what are you obsessed with? 

animal crossing tbh i love it so much 

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed? 

i get auditory hallucinations and i just start crying no matter what stressed mood im in. angry stressed? crying. happy stressed? crying. anxious stressed? crying 

😪 what are you sick of? 

having kidney disease??? ?

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker? 

i mean? sometimes? but yall gotta talk me into going on roller coasters 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have? 

red beet eggs are my LIFE if i could eat them daily i would die, peppers are fucking gross, and tea is fucking gross unless its Tea 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person? 

i like to think i am a good person? 

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies? 

draw & sing!!!! 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself? 

You Ain’t No Saint by Aaron West and The Roaring Twenties 

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

I’m annoying. I plan on improving it by shutting my ass up 

 🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

i draw people and eyes mainly. and the occasional hand 

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams? 

i’m too shy and bisexual for this 

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you? 

fuck i dont remember i just know i have the same one as Fox Mulder and thats why it fits me lmao

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite! 

...u didnt give me 3 ppl.... 

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? 

mothman because he’s my boyfriend 

🐴 opinion on __? (Charmin Toilet Paper Bears) 

they wipe my ass for me 

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person? 

i used to be. now im not so sure. 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them. 

yall i’ve only read 3 books 

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i usually mope around and sleep a lot. it doesnt help usually. 

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad? 

Death Anxiety 

🌍 which country do you live in? 

USA! 

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words 

needy, petty, and damaged 

🐵 which quotes changed you? 

“What’s your Fursona” - @thebpdevil“Your job is to break death’s heart” 

💭 do you keep a diary? 

I keep a bullet journal!! i think thats kinda similar 

💫 who inspires you? 

honestly my dad??? but also idk :/ 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why? 

hell YES because i am one

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like? 

department store clearance section & band merch 

🎬 what are some of your favourite films? 

Heathers, Taken, Girl Interrupted, and if u watch the OA in one shot it counts as a movie i’m counting it 

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory? 

Throwing mashed potatoes at my sister. 

🐱 what’s your dream pet like? 

Cat snake (ferret) who loves to cuddle and doesnt bite :-) 

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be? 

probably???? um???? Patrick Stump or Pete Wentz honestly. 

HOO THIS WAS FUN AND IT TOOK OVER AN HOUR TO DO THANK YOU 

[avanneman]

John McCain, Paul Ryan, and the Myth of the Virtuous Republican

John McCain is one of those guys who, when he dies, people say “he was the last of a dying breed.”

No one will ever say that about Paul Ryan.

John McCain was a genuine war hero, a man who preferred to face hardship, torture, and even death rather than abandon his comrades. Paul Ryan has the suit, haircut, and soul of a TV personality. Yet both ended their careers kissing Donald Trump’s ass. Strange! More than strange!

It could justly be said—and often was—that John McCain approached politics with the mindset of the fighter pilot he used to be, an adrenaline junkie who wanted to see every issue as a struggle of good against evil, or at least us against them, which, in his mind, constituted the same thing. He was always wanting to go to war, wars in which, he was sure, the good guys always won and everyone’s problems were settled once and for all. My most vivid memory of McCain is video showing him striding around Baghdad in an armored vest, surrounded by heavily armed troops, with assault helicopters circling overhead, and proclaiming “Mission Accomplished”.

McCain made himself a national figure in the 2000 Republican primaries by wowing the national press corps with his war stories, young men and women stunned to be in the presence of a man who’d seen and endured things they, with their pampered backgrounds, could not even begin to imagine. This was a man!

And so he was, but as a senator he wasn’t so much. McCain was furious—well beyond furious—at George Bush because he believed, with some reason, that he’d been done out of the Republican nomination by some seriously subterranean backstabbing during the South Carolina primary, which may well be true, but one can also wonder how deliberate noncombatant Georgie W. beat a war hero in what is often regarded as the most militaristic state in the union.

McCain continued to cultivate the press in defeat, playing the beloved role of “maverick”, charging like a bull at a variety of issues, but never really succeeding at anything. For McCain, the passionate display of “passion” was its own purpose and end. His was not to reason why, and he never did.

Yet however harshly one wishes to criticize McCain, his ultimate obsequiousness to Trump remains baffling. Trump publicly ridiculed McCain’s heroism. Why wasn’t McCain at the Democratic Convention, standing beside Hillary Clinton, whose foreign policy views were almost identical to his own, and proclaiming her “America’s Choice”? What kept the proud maverick in such humiliating harness?

Well, as I say, I’m baffled. Perhaps he was intimidated by the Republican base, which had shifted so heavily against the “free trade, open borders” orthodoxy to which he had always subscribed.

But, in fact, there was always a bit of smoke and mirrors when it came to McCain’s “bipartisanship”. He had a knack for choosing issues, like campaign reform and immigration reform, that never, or rarely, managed to make it into law.1 On tax and spending issues, he almost always voted the straight party line, never giving an inch to either Clinton or Obama, though he did draw back a little from the “burn the house down” efforts of the newly elected Tea Party Republicans to drive the federal government into default—though probably more because he was worried about the possible impact on defense spending, which was the only fiscal issue he really cared about.2

But as for “leadership”, McCain was almost always absent. He voted in favor of removing President Clinton from office and, most infamously, brought Sarah Palin and her brand of “Americanism” into the national spotlight for the first time. And when the country really needed some bipartisan leadership, during the first onslaught of the Great Recession when Obama took office, McCain said, and did, nothing.

What’s remarkable about Paul Ryan is that, for a long time, he received press almost the equal of McCain’s, with far less substance. While McCain’s warrior ego was always front and center, deciphering Paulie’s slippery humility has always been a chore. He eagerly promoted—and the press eagerly bought—his Wisconsin Boy Scout demeanor. His incessantly repeated claim to be a “wonk” was, I think, deliberately designed to insulate him from the continuing bro-ha-ha3 over “social issues”—abortion, homosexuality, the “war against Christmas”, etc.—that so obsessed most ambitious Republicans. Paulie always looked east, towards Wall Street, but I’ve never been sure of his motivation. Was he gunning for the presidency? Then why stay in the House?

For many years, Ryan was sort of a hero—or perhaps fig-leaf—to many Republicans. In fact, to “recovering Republicans” like (former) conservative broadcaster Charles Sykes (author of How the Right Lost Its Mind), WashPost columnist and long-time Literature R Us whipping boy George F. Will, and former Republican strategist Rick Wilson (author of Everything Trump Touches Dies), who, unlike the first two, is deeply disappointed in the “new Paulie,” Ryan is (or was) a true hero. Nonpartisan centrists like Josh Barro are also deeply disappointed in the Ryan reinvention, which I will demonstrate—at length–is not new at all.

Sykes, in his book, gives us a taste of the true Paulie believer:

Whatever you might think of his policies, Paul Ryan is inarguably the most formidable intellectual leader the Republican Party has had for decades. For years, he was known for his dogged advocacy of budget and entitlement reform in opposition from his party’s establishment. His rise from conservative backbencher to Speaker could have been seen as one of the great success stories of the conservative movement. “I spent more time, I’d say, in the backbench than the leadership,” Ryan told me during a conversation on my last radio show. “The party really tried to isolate me a number of years ago and tried to explain to our members, ‘do not touch what Ryan is talking about, don’t deal with these fiscal issues, these entitlements, it’s political suicide.” And I just decided instead of trying to win the argument internally, I tried to win it externally, and that took hold,” he explained. “What happened, really, was the 2010 election, I think. The 2010 election brought all these, sort of Tea Party conservative Republicans into office.”

I suppose it’s possible to pack more self-serving nonsense into one paragraph than Paulie (and Sykes) just did there, but it isn’t easy. Ryan was always an eager self-promoter, though, as I say, it’s a bit of a mystery—again with the mystery! Republicans are mysterious!—exactly who Ryan was trying to sell himself to. Ryan has spent nearly all his adult life working in politics, either as a legislative aide or a congressman, and has claimed that all he wanted was to be chair of the House Budget Committee, but I don’t quite believe that. He has always appeared to me to have national aspirations, but for what? If you want to be president, you have to get out of the House, and, as far as I know, Ryan never showed interest in running either for governor or senator. If he wanted money, sure, a Budget Committee chair can retire after five or six years and make $2 or $3 million a year as a big-time lobbyist, but why bust your ass in your fifties for $2 or $3 million a year when you could have been making $20 or $30 million a year on Wall Street in your twenties?

So is Ryan telling the truth when he claims that he’s just a wonk, just wants to make the world a better place via free-market capitalism? No, he isn’t. To coin a phrase, he’s a big fat liar. Ryan lists the late Rep. Jack Kemp as his mentor and role model. Kemp was perhaps the most passionate advocate of the holy gospel of supply-side economics this side of George Gilder. Both men believed that the absolutely unfettered free market would solve all of mankind’s ills. Ryan was/is also a disciple of the legendary Ayn Rand, the Queen of Mean, saying that he frequently reread Ayn’s exercise in übermenschlichkeit, Atlas Shrugged, but, grudgingly aware that Ayn’s atheism and frequently expressed hostility to the Catholic Church (Ryan was raised a Catholic) didn’t sit well with the evangelical set, pulled in his horns just a bit, so to speak, and more recently pronounced himself a big fan of supposed big thinker Yuval Levin, who celebrated the Republican takeover of the House of Representatives in 2010, so hailed by Ryan as essentially his work (“I just decided instead of trying to win the argument internally, I tried to win it externally, and that took hold”), with a piece for the National Interest entitled “Beyond the Welfare State”.

According to Ryan, Levin “does a very good job of articulating why these are good ideas and the right way to go and how they’re philosophically connected with one another and consistent.” Indeed, Levin has made a career out of pretending to be a student of Edmund Burke, but back in 2011 he sounded a lot more like Herbert Hoover, making a multi-pronged assault on the welfare state: “The reason is partly institutional: The administrative state is dismally inefficient and unresponsive, and therefore ill-suited to our age of endless choice and variety. The reason is also partly cultural and moral: The attempt to rescue the citizen from the burdens of responsibility has undermined the family, self-reliance, and self-government. But, in practice, it is above all fiscal: The welfare state has turned out to be unaffordable, dependent as it is upon dubious economics and the demographic model of a bygone era.”

Despite his “the bottom line is the bottom line” pitch, Levin was not at all shy about making Randy/Hooverian generalizations about the welfare state as the source of modern-day moral collapse:

This is the second major failing of this vision of society [the first is that it is grossly inefficient] — a kind of spiritual failing. Under the rules of the modern welfare state, we give up a portion of the capacity to provide for ourselves and in return are freed from a portion of the obligation to discipline ourselves. Increasing economic collectivism enables increasing moral individualism, both of which leave us with less responsibility, and therefore with less grounded and meaningful lives.

Moreover, because all citizens — not only the poor — become recipients of benefits, people in the middle class come to approach their government as claimants, not as self-governing citizens, and to approach the social safety net not as a great majority of givers eager to make sure that a small minority of recipients are spared from devastating poverty but as a mass of dependents demanding what they are owed. It is hard to imagine an ethic better suited to undermining the moral basis of a free society.4

In other words, it is not only means-tested welfare programs that are morally corrupting—and it is these that the general public thinks of (and often resents) as “welfare”—but Social Security and Medicare as well. In fact, they’re the really bad ones!

Unsurprisingly (but predictably) Levin doesn’t have the courage to follow his own argument and simply eliminate Social Security and Medicare. Instead, he’d make them means-tested. Most people would still get some retirement assistance (but why wouldn’t this still be “bad”?), but most people—the middle class in particular—wouldn’t get as much. And everyone would have to buy their own health insurance, with some assistance from the federal government to cushion the blow: “This approach would seek to let people be active consumers, rather than passive recipients of benefits — which would be good both for the federal budget (since consumer pressure in a free market keeps costs down far better than price controls) and for the character of our nation.” Naturally, the less expensive social programs, such as Head Start, would be trimmed and, ultimately, one could hope, be eliminated, since they simply waste money and make us more dependent.

It’s “interesting” to look both backwards and forwards with regard to Levin’s manifesto, looking backwards first to Ryan’s own conduct in office when, as he pictured it, he was more or less howling in the wilderness, rejected by the Republican establishment and forced, basically, to take it to the streets. Because what did Ryan do? He voted for every budget-busting Bush proposal, starting with the massive, and massively unnecessary and counter-productive, Bush tax cuts, which turned a $172 billion surplus in 2001 into a $210 billion deficit in 2002 (using 2014 dollars), and continuing through all the “unnecessary” (not to mention morally corrupting) social programs like No Child Left Behind, which added billions in education spending, through the ultimate budget-buster, the disastrous invasion of Iraq (the bold Mr. Levin makes no mention of defense spending at all in his manifesto) plus the ultimate outrage, a new entitlement program, adding billions to the Medicare tab yearly to cover prescription drugs, with no provision for funding whatsoever! Mr. Ryan, one has to say, believes that words speak louder than actions.

Supposedly, the 2010 election brought “Paul Ryan” Republicans into Congress. This is nonsense. As Ryan and Levin surely noticed, the Republicans’ ace in the hole in the 2010 election was Barack Obama’s decision, via the Affordable Care Act, not to talk about cutting Medicare, but to actually cut it—something that, of course, neither Ryan nor Levin ever talked about. Over and over again, Republicans promised never to cut “a dime of Grandma’s Medicare”, and of course they never did. Ryan and Levin “proposed” to cut Medicare 10 years down the line, which is rather like promising to go on a diet in 10 years,5 but as for the present, hey, nothing’s too good for Grandma! And Social Security, presumably the most corrupting program of all, at least in Levin’s philosophy, would never have lost a dime under Ryan’s proposals.

The one entitlement Ryan was always willing to cut was, of course, Medicaid, cutting spending for the poor, not to balance the budget but rather to hand out tax cuts to the rich, which was always the first priority of all.6 Ryan produced a variety of budget plans that were supposed to produce a balanced budget in X number of years, but they were always phony, with the popular provisions, like reduced tax rates, spelled out, while the unpopular ones, like “base broadening” (elimination of tax exemptions and other “loopholes”) left for further discussion. Medicaid would be cut immediately (it was somehow “fair” to cut benefits for the poor immediately, but not to do the same to the middle class, i.e., “Grandma”), and further spending cuts would be made in “domestic discretionary spending”, which had expanded enormously under Bush from 2001 through 2008, under legislation for which Ryan had repeatedly voted. But these cuts, like the “base broadening”, were left unspecified, to be worked out in further negotiation. In other words, Ryan would spell out the popular provisions, which would, in fact, expand the deficit dramatically, and the leave it to the Democrats to repair all the damage he had created. It would be the Democrats who would have the responsibility for balancing the budget, not Paul Ryan.

It was all a shell game, as Paul Krugman and others repeatedly pointed out, a mere partisan hustle, but it made moderate Republicans like Sykes and Will and Wilson proud. We’re serious! We’re fiscally responsible! We’re still the party of ideas! We’re not like those crazy Democrats, who are turning us into Greece!

Well, that was then. When the era of Trump dawned, Ryan was clearly in a quandary. His Wall Street buddies, whose willing servant he had always been, had no use for Trump’s bad ass, xenophobic, race-baiting populism. But Trump had the votes, so Ryan caved. And once he started, the caving never stopped.

To be fair, Ryan caved to everybody, everybody with power. He finally got his chance to cut Medicaid in the course of overturning the Affordable Care Act, but in his eagerness to both help the rich, by eliminating one of those opprobrious Obamacare abominations that actually increased taxes on innocent millionaires/billionaires, and stick it to the poor by denying health insurance to millions, he overreached himself. “It’s curious,” Republican health care maven Avik Roy opined, “that extending tax cuts [to the rich] was a higher priority for the House than addressing the fact that the bill will make insurance unaffordable for millions of Americans.” Actually, it isn’t, but fortunately the naked hypocrisy of it all caused three Republican senators, including John McCain, greatly to his credit, to gag and Obamacare was granted another day.

Yes, Paulie was denied on that occasion, but he was not denied on his tax bill, where the hypocrisy was even greater, but with so much money on the table, well, what’s a little nudity among friends? I mean, this is the way God made us!

As originally crafted, Ryan’s tax bill was revenue neutral, thanks to a “controversial” provision, a “border tax adjustment” that would have brought in $1.5 trillion over 10 years, that was furiously opposed by most corporate outfits, including Koch Inc. Ryan could have said to them, “okay, guys, you don’t like my proposal. So how are we going to make this thing revenue neutral?” But he didn’t say that. Both Ryan and the Koch folks, who had been shouting, shouting, shouting “It’s the deficit, stupid!” for eight long years, turned around and added a cool $1.5 trillion to the deficit at a minimum7 and celebrated! And then followed that up with a budget-busting spending package with both massive and entirely unnecessary increases in defense spending and equally large increases for “domestic discretionary spending”, which Republicans supposedly hate!

Charles Wilson (remember him?) at least had the honesty to be openly ashamed. Writing in his book Everything Trump Touches Dies, Wilson wrote

The bill does nothing to reduce the complexity, expense, opacity, and general brain-frying shittiness of the tax code for ordinary Americans. So much for our “Do your taxes on a postcard!” rhetoric. The tax code, baroque and ludicrously convoluted before, is even more baffling unless you can afford a fleet of corporate tax attorneys and consultants.

A prominent tax lobbyist I know wrote, “This is almost too easy. Even I feel dirty.” This person literally sat in the majority leader’s office crafting parts of the tax bill, laughing all the way to the bank. The members of the House and Senate who voted for this 479-page bill had only a few hours to consider it. I asked this lobbyist at the time what the job-creation effect would be from the corporate tax cut, and he replied, “How the fuck do I know? Something? Maybe?”

This is the legislation Paul Ryan “crafted”, or at least put his name to, and this is the legislation that John McCain voted for, a massive change to the U.S. tax code to which the U.S. Senate, the world’s greatest deliberative body, had zero input. The bill was written for them by Paul Ryan and a gaggle of lobbyists, and they contributed nothing. Decades of lying and deceit came to their full fruition. This was Paul Ryan’s achievement, and John McCain’s submission made it possible.

For whatever reason, the election of Bill Clinton to the presidency in 1992 essentially drove the Republican Party mad. Both the elite and the base were seized by a compulsive need to destroy Clintonism by any means necessary. The base seethed with paranoid rage against blacks, Hispanics, feminists, homosexuals–“the other”–while the elite sought to manage the monster and perpetuate itself first with tax cuts and “culture war” then with the intoxicating self-righteousness of a real war in the Middle East.8 But the elite discredited itself with disasters both home and abroad, and the triumph of the Tea Party signaled the collapse of elite power. For eight long years during the Obama Administration Paul Ryan served as the mask of Republican corruption. But now we see–as if it were hidden before–that the mask is as corrupt as that which it concealed.

McCain first became an advocate of campaign reform perhaps as an ass-covering measure, when he was identified as one of the “Keating Five”—five senators who aggressively promoted the interests of savings and loan hustler Charles Keating. Later, after his defeat by George W. Bush in the 2000 Republican presidential primaries, McCain was widely, and accurately, suspected of wanting to “get” evangelical groups who helped Bush defeat him. On immigration reform, McCain, like both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and, pretty much, myself), was a strong advocate of the “open borders” approach favored by Wall Street. The same could be said of Paul Ryan as well, but Ryan did not dare cross the rabid Republican base—much stronger in the House than the Senate—on this one. ↩︎

In what was very likely a fit of pique rather than common sense, McCain voted against George Bush’s 2001 tax cuts. It was rare for McCain to care about deficits, unless a Democrat was in office. ↩︎

Word accepts this spelling, because it accepts “bro” as a word (as well as “ha”). I find it hard to believe that I typed “bro-ha-ha” but apparently I did, if only because Word will correct “brohaha” to “brouhaha” rather than “bro-ha-ha”. I guess I was really drunk. ↩︎

Levin, who is Jewish (he was born in Israel), titles his discussion of the shortcomings of the welfare state “The Passing of an Illusion”. In 1927, Sigmund Freud published a withering critique of Christianity under the title The Future of an Illusion. You don’t have to be a Freudian (cause I sure ain’t one) to suspect that Levin unconsciously—but not consciously—echoed Freud’s title. ↩︎

Back in the eighties, when Ronald Reagan introduced Americans to “modern deficits” (Reagan doubled the size of the entire national debt in eight years, in constant dollars, although an expanding economy meant that as a percentage of GNP the increase was only 43%), Congress enacted several elaborate deficit reduction packages. All of them employed the same strategy: cosmetic cuts to get Congress through the next election, followed by “real” cuts afterwards. Inevitably, after the next election, the new Congress would “discover” that the “real” cuts were in fact “crazy” ones, and rewrite the legislation to push the new “real” cuts to after the next election. The notion that the Congress elected in 2010 could “force” the Congress elected in 2020 to make massive, and massively unpopular, cuts in Medicare is ludicrous. ↩︎

Levin, in his paper, briefly explains that he wants a simplified federal tax policy, with low rates. Despite his supposed obsession with soaring deficits, he doesn’t even discuss the possibility of raising taxes to reduce them, probably because he knows that would work, as it did under Clinton, and he doesn’t want to balance the budget on the backs of the rich. ↩︎

The bill made tax cuts for the rich permanent but set the tax cuts for the middle class to expire in 10 years. Now Republicans are “proposing” to make them permanent. This is probably an election-year gambit, but if it works, what are they going to do? Say they were lying? ↩︎

For many evangelicals, the events in the contemporary Middle East are a direct continuation of the events of the Bible–God’s Will in action. ↩︎