#im not sure how to feel about this but it sure is overwhelming
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hiii, so imagine OT13 head canons in which they are rough but soft at the same time, like deepthroat while stroking your hair, or pounding while holding hands
how seventeen mix soft and rough at sex
WARNINGS: smut, +18
seungcheol: fucks you like a ragdoll, talks to you like you're a whore, holds your face like youre made of glass. his hands cradling your face like you’re the most delicate thing he’s ever touched. “so fucking pretty, my little slut, do you like when im destroying this pussy like this huh?” and when you try to look away, all shy, his thumbs tilt your chin back to him, forcing you to meet his eyes. “don’t hide from me~~~ let me see you drip cum around my cock.”
jeonghan: taunting at first, tilting your chin up like some princess-movie to make you look at him while he fucks into you balls deep, his grip firm in your hair. “what, baby? too much?” he coos, but his free hand is tracing delicate lines down your arm, llips brushing over yours like a secret, his next thrust knocking the air from your lungs.
joshua: he’s got you spread out beneath him, your ankles over his shoulders, deep inside you, his hands gripping your waist so tight it’s gonna bruise. he presses a kiss to your knee, then another to your ankle, eyes warm despite the filthy things he’s doing to you.
junhui: hand is firm in your hair, “mm, love hearing you like this.” and when you tense up, hands grabbing at his arms, he laughs, but it’s sweet, i feel like he gives this fun sex vibes, where you laugh, cum and feel loved at the same time (really hard to not fall in love for him in a situationship).
hoshi: will fuck you hard, with a cute and protective talk. he’s gets your back arched, one hand tangled in your hair, the other gripping your waist, keeping you still as he pounds into you. “baby, baby, baby—fuck. you okay, love? still with me? want some water? a pause? no? should i continue? okay, i got you.”
wonwoo: will be touching you, caressing you all the time. arm locked around your waist, keeping you close as he fucks up into you. “shh, baby.” his other hand it’s everywhere—sliding up your back, gripping your ass, threading through your hair, like he can’t get enough of touching you.
woozi: listen to me: CHEST-TO-CHEST PRESS. if he has been mean and overstimulates you, for example, and you're squirming, or overwhelmed, he will press you down the bed with his tiddies, making you stay in place. BUT in a softer case, he will do it if you need some grounding, if you are getting in subspace... he will make sure you're protected/shielded by his big body.
minghao: fucks you rough as fuck, but trails the points of his fingers to make you shiver! of course that you can shiver from the very action of his cock sliding in and out of you, but he loves doing this because he gets so hard at the sight of you squirming under the tips of his digits.
mingyu: i feel like he would give you a desperate forhead kiss in the middle of it. he will be destroying your insides, and then he kisses your forehead, keeping his mouth there, because he gets so soft when he is about to cum. “so fucking perfect, baby.”
seokmin: he will be doing all types of stimulaton down there. masturbating your clit, fucking your pussy while you are using a plug. WHILE DOING THAT LITTLE NOSES CARESSES, tickles, strokes, fondles, i don't know what to call it.
seungkwan: eye-contact-obsession??????? needs to see you. has your face FRAMED in his hands, forcing you to look at him, even when it’s too much. “uh-uh, baby. no hiding.” his thumb brushes over your cheek, his gaze locked onto yours, and when your eyes threaten to flutter shut—he tuts, tilting your chin back up. “nah, keep ‘em open. lemme see you.”
vernon: will wrap his big hand around your neck, in a very romantic way—just like he does when he is kissing you—,but would end up choking you at the end. making you feel very surprised when he moves from a caressing and light wrap, to a tighter and sexier one.
chan: fucks you hard until you see the bulge of his enormous cock on your belly, and then caresses the bulge with his thumb. cutely. too cutely, like you arent crying, squirming, screaming, wetting the bed over it.
#seventeen reactions#seventeen imagines#seventeen headcanons#seventeen scenarios#seventeen#svt imagines#seventeen smut#seventeen x reader#svt smut#seungcheol smut#jeonghan smut#joshua smut#junhui smut#hoshi smut#wonwoo smut#woozi smut#minghao smut#mingyu smut#seokmin smut#seungkwan smut#vernon smut#chan smut#dokyeom smut#jihoon smut#scoups smut#dino smut#soonyoung smut
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spidermark bf thoughts
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spidermark x reader // warnings. mentions of being tied up, blood, mentions of being saved. idk any others😭 // a/n. ngl i don’t read much kpop stuff anymore so i apologise if any of these r overused😭 i wish my tv would let me play the spider-man games bc im having withdrawals. thanks to my wife for helping me with the smut since im shit at it🙏 @chenlezip
bf spider!mark who is a dedicated boyfriend who is always ready to take you swinging whenever you request it. no matter the hour, he never hesitates to drop everything to make your wishes come true. his willingness to help is unwavering; if you ask him to take you to the top of a tall building, he will do so without a moment's delay, ensuring that you have an unforgettable experience. whether it’s the thrill of the swing or the breath taking view from above, mark is always there to make those moments possible.
bf spider!mark who has a playful passion for recreating the iconic spider-man kiss. despite the fact that he often ends up tumbling onto his head in the process, he finds joy in the effort. each time he leans in upside down, his heart races with excitement, knowing that the moment is sure to bring a smile to your face. for him, the little mishaps along the way only add to the charm of the experience, making it all the more memorable. seeing your smile in response to his antics makes every fall worth it.
bf spider!mark who is the kind of person who never fails to surprise you with thoughtful treasures from his little adventures. as he swings through the bustling streets, his eyes are always scanning his surroundings. suddenly, something catches his gaze—the glimmer of a unique trinket or the vibrant bloom of a beautiful flower—that instantly makes him think of you. with a spark of excitement, he quickly turns around and retraces his steps, eager to gather that perfect find that he knows will bring a smile to your face.
bf spider!mark who often calls you when he’s lounging at the top of a tall building, enjoying the breath taking view of the city skyline. as he overlooks the bustling streets below, he eagerly shares captivating stories about his thrilling adventures. he recounts tales of daring escapades, the intense fights he has faced, and the amusing incidents that make him laugh. each conversation flows effortlessly, filled with his energetic enthusiasm for life. as you listen, the soft glow of your phone illuminates your features, casting a warm light that captivates him even more. he finds comfort in the way your face lights up, reflecting your engagement in his storytelling. meanwhile, the vibrant city below- full of life, lights, and movement- creates a stunning backdrop behind his phone with your soft smile glowing.
bf spider!mark who consistently offers his assistance with homework. whenever you find yourself struggling or feeling overwhelmed with assignments, he's the first person you turn to for help. his understanding nature and patience make it easy to approach him with questions. sometimes, he goes above and beyond, taking the time to complete entire assignments for you, which can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to learning the material yourself.
bf spider!mark who is the kind of person who would go to great lengths to ensure your safety. he is unwavering in his commitment and will stop at nothing to protect you. whether it requires tackling difficult challenges or facing daunting obstacles, he won't rest until he knows you are out of harm's way, dropping anything he's doing to instantly come aid you. his devotion and determination shine through in every action he takes, proving that your well-being is his top priority.
bf spider!mark who always knocks on your window late at night, his presence a familiar yet unsettling ritual after a long day spent out fighting crime. no matter how late it is or how tired you feel, you can never bring yourself to turn him away. as you open the window, a sense of apprehension washes over you, mixed with an undeniable urge to bring him in. once inside, he perches on the edge of your bathroom counter, his posture slumped and weary. the harsh light reveals the extent of his exhaustion—the dark circles under his eyes and the way he runs a hand through his dishevelled hair. blood smears across his beautiful face, a stark contrast to his usually charming smile. It’s a haunting sight, one that tugs at your heart, leaving you wondering what harrowing experiences he faced to return to you in such a state. the only good thing that came from this is your medical skills are top-notch now, you're always able to patch him up.
bf spider!mark who loves to tie you up with his webs. seeing you struggling to get out of the tough webs turns him on even more, the look of pure bliss on your face sends him into an overload. "you like being tied up don't you?" he let out with a smirk plastered onto his lips, you could only whimper and nod aggressively in response. the webs are strong and sticky on your wrists, the pain that spread through your wrists from the tight webs had your head going fuzzy.
bf spider!mark who shows off his strength. whether that be picking you up, holding your thighs and pinning you against the wall.. slamming you down onto his bed, hovering over you and pinning your wrists down. another example, he loves to fuck you in an alleyway, you pinned up against a wall as his hips go at a relentless pace, hand over your mouth to keep your moans at bay.
bf spider!mark who has a cocky smile on his face when you finally request him to keep his mask on during sex. he's been fantasising about this for ages, so when you finally came to him about it he was overjoyed. he wastes no time, instantly picking you up and throwing you onto your double bed. soon, the air in the room changed all together and mark had you right where he wanted you. you bite your lip, “fuck- ngh, mark,” you whimper as you feel him slipping inside of you. the eyes on his mask soon close, you can’t see the blissed out expression on his face but you can tell he feels just as good as you do.
bf spider!mark mark loves when you switch the tables over, topping him. it was probably one of his favourite things, he loved seeing you on top of him taking charge, putting him in his place. he was too exhausted after a night of fighting crime and saving citizens. he threw himself down on the bed and you could see he needed the relief after a hard day. you smile and make your way over to the bed, falling to your knees and stroking his thigh, “let me ease you up, pretty boy. deserve it.”
bf spider!mark who is always loud in bed, he never fails to let it be known how much you pleasure him. especially if he’s receiving oral from you. you’re swallowing down on him and he hisses, bucking his hips up, “shiiittt, baby.. just like that, yeah, keep goin’ for me sweetheart..” “fuck, you’re so good” “right there, right there, fuckkk”
bf spider!mark who can go as many rounds as u want and never run out of stamina. he'll be fucking into you, hips going at a rapid pace as you struggle to keep up with him, pleasure taking over you, making it hard to speak. all you could do was whimper and whine as mark kept up his relentless pace. “m-mark, mark..” you pant. it was your third orgasm already, and it didn’t seem like he was going to stop.
#nct dream x reader#nct dream drabbles#nct dream fanfic#nct dream imagines#nct dream scenarios#nct dream timestamps#mark lee x reader#mark lee smut#mark smut#mark lee imagines#mark lee fanfic#mark lee fluff#nct dream fluff#spidermark#spidermark x reader#nct dream smut#mark lee drabbles#mark lee headcanons
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#im shocked beyond words that my ex messaged me today#ik its mercury retrograde and everything but of all people i didn't think she'd reach out after i stopped replying a year and a half ago#we weren't on bad terms or anything and we continued casually keeping in contact platonically after the break up#but when i entered a new relationship i just thought it was best to keep a distance#we did have a very intense relationship and a terrible break up in the span of 3 years#like if you look up the definition of a toxic karmic relationship our picture should show up#and in the long text she messaged me now she basically apologizes for having hurt me#which she already had done back then but this was a more detailed apology somehow#im not sure how to feel about this but it sure is overwhelming#i met her when i was 16 and we heavily shaped each other's formative years#trauma bonded too#its just a lot#but i do think fondly of her and i no longer resent her for anything#i just genuinely hope she finds happiness and love in whatever form it might be#i think that's what i will tell her#she also said that i was probably the closest to unconditional love she will ever experience.. which im not sure how to feel about either#i'm happy that she thinks positively of me and i know i gave everything i had to offer in that relationship#but i genuinely want her to feel happy and loved again#personal
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Yesterday I was replaying Deltarune and I was going really insane about it picking up on things I missed on my first playthrough and something that fucked me up hard was this line here
The little ellipsis at the end, almost like you can hear the regret on their voice. Voice of an ad who is realizing maybe they fucked up on this one. But it also made me think of... The possibility of this being a reaction to Spamton's actions.
Because I don't think this was an automatic thing, I feel like their drifting off was gradual. Sure, their jealousy had won them over (I'd have killed the guy or myself if I was them so I don't even blame them) but Spamton was too getting busier and busier the more famous he got, and as they say, that never stopped. He only kept getting bigger, until it all came crashing down. And when it did it was one of them who tried to go find him, after all that.
But I digress, let's focus on the original quote from my favorite sigma enby themselves, Pink Addison. There's obviously not only the regret to it, but feeling like they were abandoned too. Both parties lost a lot and the real tragedy is just how easily it could've have been avoided! Or rather, how beyond their control it was...
But I'll get off topic if I keep speaking so I'll leave it at that. The sheer tragedy that there is to everyone involved just makes me insane. Like I said in a post previous to this; you cannot trace down a good guy or a bad guy in this tale, it's just desperate people taking awful decisions and living to regret their actions.
#luly talks#makes you wonder too like#THIS IS GOING ON THE TAGS BC IM JUMPING THE GUN TOO HARD#but after Pink says rhat they follw by saying ''even so he only got more and more successful'' and its making me FEEL something alright#that EVEN SO. like. were they expecting for him to... stop? to slow down? to give up his overwhelming fame to get them back?#there's so many things i just can't say because we know very little of the addisons and big shot era spamton#we dont even know if they were aware this is how he ended. we dont even know if Spamton tried to go back to them or if he totally refused to#it makes me sick it makes me insane i want to grab these colorful things and squish then on my palm#there's a lot of What Ifs but i think the answer wouldn't even matter because nothing could change anymore#its sososososososoooooo sad#like i see fandom woobify Spamton a lot and i HATE that sure he went thru a lot but he's a grown ass desperate man#he's not a poor uwu cinnamon roll he's insane and he's an asshole and he's a nuanced tragic character#and so are these motherfuckers!!!!!!#btw i originally had a paragraph about how mad I'd have been if i was an Addison but i ended up rewriting the whole post LMAO#anyway. yeah. it just makes me insane.#deltarune#Spamton#addisons
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to be so honest im starting to think i really need to see a professional for my social anxiety
#.mei’s chatter ˚༘⋆ ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖#it is so bad in ways i can’t even articulate but today i felt sick over having to send one text message and procrastinated the entire day#i’ve gotten so bad recently#and that’s not even a fraction of the texts i need to reply to.. i feel like im crumbling under the weight of how awkward i am#and i hate it because im sure everyone thinks i’m rude and i know it comes off as so weird when i reply to a text fucking SIX WEEKS late#but i genuinely feel so awful and guilty over it i just cannot make myself do it. i’m so scared ill say the wrong thing or fuck up#or i just forget because i have memory issues but it’s awful all the same and i feel so terrible#and i assume everyone hates me until i see them again because i never texted back and it makes me feel like an awful person#but i have good intentions and i really just want to give everyone the kindness they deserve but i get so scared to talk to ppl it’s crazy#it’s so awful. i really need it fixed it feels like it’s rotting my soul and ruining my relationships#people will be so nice to me and then i just don’t get back to them… it’s horribly horribly rude and i know it i just get terrified#or i forget most the time i really do just forget but it feels bad all the same#i think it stems from like.. i don’t want to say the wrong thing so i need to think hard about what to say but then i forget or get so ->#caught up in trying to say the perfect thing that i get overwhelmed and procrastinate then forget entirely#i’m an awful person i truly cannot stand myself#i guess the only way forward is to just be better in the future but fuck i feel so guilty
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#i think it's a little fucked up but a little funny that my mental state is currently at such a bad point where it's like.#any stress sends me into emotionally constipated panic. where it doesn't really show through for the most part. for the most part i seem ok.#and then if you crack me just even a little bit it's like that one modern art piece can't help myself#where im trying my best to juggle and maintain the facade of being fine but you can tell im tired and one deviation away from crumbling down#but can i cry? haha no. instead i just panic. everything sends me into silent panic. and i just think about really dramatic responses.#i hold my breath and worry that if i do anything wrong everything I've worked so so hard for will just come toppling down#because it has before. something you've poured your heart into. something you've cared so much about. can just be. so. out of your control#and you lose your voice and you lose your agency and you lose your will to fight and you lose a little bit of yourself#I don't know if i will ever get it back. it's been a while. I don't know if i can ever regain my confidence back. i miss who i was sometimes#i used to be warm. i used to be sure of myself. i used to carry hope around like a small star. i miss her. the person i was.#someone who could light up a room without trying so hard. someone who could make others smile without giving it too much thought.#someone who could make others feel good about being there and being alive. i barely feel good about myself these days sometimes. somehow.#I don't know how to be that girl anymore. everything feels a little forced. it shouldn't have to feel this hard. it used to feel natural.#i have moments where i feel like myself again. happy. confident. and then im brought back to reality almost immediately.#i feel guilty for feeling good. i feel guilty for being confident. and then i go hating myself again. it does weigh on me. what she said.#im sorry that i used to like myself. im sorry it made you feel bad about yourself. see. i hate myself now. do you forgive me now? hehe#I'll get over it one day. I'll get over it soon. i hate feeling like this. the overwhelming ego death. it makes me feel really shitty.#i hate this hehe i want to run away so badly but i know running away never solves anything you come back and the problem is still there#so i will go through it and i will fail and i will fall and i will stumble and hurt myself and feel humiliated and terrible throughout#but it will be fine. but I'll get through it and realize it wasn't that bad. I'll get through it and try again and again until i get there.#i need to stop seeking validation from people who won't give it. stop seeking comfort from people who won't give it.#stop hanging with people who make me feel worse. and stuff like that. it's like quitting an addiction hhhh i don't get it#i have friends who treat me really well. i have friends who i love and love me a lot.#i just can't quit certain people. part of it is bc im scared of change and part of it is bc i don't want to be more reliant on others#especially the people i do really care about and love and who love me bc. i think. if i have one more abandonment. i will actually. mm.#i think i would fully lose my ability to love new people haha like. romantically and platonically. haha.#but anyway that's the trauma speaking i will overcome it I won't let it control how i live haha#i will be ok i will be ok spring will be here eventually it's just the seasonal stuff#tw health#delete later
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yall im honestly a little afraid of getting very far in this game bc i am notorious for never using TMs or HMs unless its necessary for like. getting around. like the rock break one for example. and also i never use X Defense or X Attacks, i just don't use items and I let my pkmn learn moves naturally so i'm scaredddd of like... the Z-move stuff,,, and any other boost elements of the game,,, it just feels overwhelming and its hard for me to choose what to use where bc im already flailing around as is - i'm just really Bad at strategizing 😭😭😭
#i play it like a game. i dont play it like a competition sfdjkl#i feel like most games have turned into competitions. i dont play competitively... i play for fun and frolicking and giggles.....#i choose pkmn based on looks and how much they make me smile HFDSGJKL i dont put teams together for strategyyyyy#i try to make my team relatively balanced but i cannot keep all the type-matchups in my brain so i just sort of do my best#im like... not a pkmn guy. or at least not in the typical sense. i love these silly critters but i do Not understand how it all works LOL#anyways. its a game for children. im sure i will be okay fsdfjkl i should not be getting like... genuinely stressed about this#it is a GAME. HAVE FUN PLAYING IT. DON'T STRESS YOURSELF OUT OF PLAYING ANYMORE. RRGRGRHHH#but even in pkmn sleep i dont use any of the skill seeds or anything fsdjkl and i rarely use the team whistle thing#i have like 10 whistles that i've collected from rewards or whatnot and just... never touch them. and like five seeds 😭#i just get scared of items HFDSSJKL it feels too overwhelming to try to make choices bc what if i make a bad choice and regret it...#dandy.cmd#dandy.exe
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#i need a good reason to not kill myself because the world feels so fucking hostile right now and theres nowhere i can go to safety#my bank account is Seven Hundred And Thirty Dollars in the negatives. i have bills coming up this week. i have no hours at my job#i went to a job interview yesterday for fucking taco bell THATS how desperate i am. and im not even 100% sure if im gonna get it or not#and if i do get it my life will be miserable and i wont have time for anything else in my life im like actually terrified#i have so much Trauma from shitty unstable jobs for my whole adult life that it just feels painful to think about#i cant afford to live i cant afford to be homeless either#i should just die like genuinely im at the end of my rope i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this#im so stressed im so overwhelmed its so difficult to work on art because of this#my life is actively crumbing away beneath my feet the last thing i want to do is draw pictures#but i have to. i have no other choice i Have to#the world is better off without me in it OBVIOUSLY. like all i hear about constantly is how much trans people dont deserve to live#i shouldve considered this before i decided to be born the way i am#i never asked to be born into this. i wish i never was. i wish i wasnt alive right now#i dont want to live i dont want a life i dont want to keep on going if its just going to be like this all the time#i hate feeling this way because of MONEY. I HATE MONEY. MONEY ISNT REAL UNTIL IT IS REAL AND THEN ITS EXTREMELY REAL.#money is only real for poor people and thats what ive learned in my time on this earth#btw im not okay and nothing anyone can say to me will make me feel better because theres no fucking point in anything#i got denied for food stamps and welfare also btw lol like im doing everything i can to improve my life but everything sucks and is hard#and i dont have a safety net and im falling and falling and falling and im about to splat hard on the concrete#i have to do laundry and clean my room and make breakfast and work on art and all of that while knowing i cant pay my bills#i dont know why suddenly it feels impossible to do fucking anything. like theres no other choice but to suffer#it feels like the world is ending and Yes im having a catastrophic breakdown right now and i just need to shout into the void#i'll feel better after i eat but i need to get dressed first and i have no clean clothes so i have to do laundry#but i have to collect my clothes off of the floor and i have 0 energy bc i havent eaten and im stressed and fucked up#UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DIES#things could absolutely be worse right now but this is about as bad as they can be before that happens. lol
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So guess who completely forgot that chocolate milk and strawberry milk is such a big internet thing and made a poll in the heat of the moment and now my inbox is full of T H E funniest tags but also now i can't find any of the non chocolate/strawberry milk debate stuff in the chocolate/strawberry milk flood i am drowning in
GOOD GOLLY
#i genuinely dont mind how bad im getting smoked because it is CO M E D Y G O L D#i will gladly put my dignity on the line in public as long as its a funny story later#the person i was debating with likes to scroll through the tags while im ignoring my phone#and read through her favorite of the mean choccy milk tags#right to me <3 its a good daily routine#anyway please universe do not let this one become a ten thousand billion note one i miss having like 12 notifications all about the blorbos#FR IM SURE I ALREADY SAID THIS BUT IF YOU NEED ME FEEL FREE TO SEND AN ASK and ill see it. late#the seeing it late is unrelated to the choccy milk thing#ive already made this announcement right before the poll thing#im making it again because theres a new reason im not seeing anybodys stuff#it is; being overwhelmed#in a good way i promise its really funny#but also oh gosh i have made a tactical error#i am lying in bed typing this instead of sleeping#if you read this far heres a fun fact for you; the human eye can percieve more shades of green than any other color#neat right#🟩📗🟢🍏🥗🥬💚♻️🐍🍃🌱🍀🤢🌲🌿#green :^)#ramblin
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fuck wait i forgot the last nb event was like a dream thing was it belphie centric fuck
#if i think about it too long i'll get overwhelmed and have a meltdown so i shant#hopefully#but uhh idk for sure cause i Didn;t Log In#i havent properly played in forever cause#im so far behind in terms of the story#like i think im still on asmo's part??#maybe?#the power creep is just so fucking awful in nightbringer#or whatever the term would be#you need stupid high level cards in every type to even pass the ruri tunes levels#and it's so frustrating cause ruri tunes isn't hard in the slightest especially on normal it's actually frustratingly easy#because of how slow it is#but i have to use so many support items just to literally get a c at the last note#so i can finally read things#and idk it just makes me feel bad that i'm not caught up (it makes him feel like a failure)#so i get into the loop of feeling bad cause im far behind and then i dont play but then i cant make progress and the story continues which#means im even FURTHER behind#ohh i think i got it i think i scrounged in my brain i think i feel left out (has issues with that)
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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.
#j.txt#vent#barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible#I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do#my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over#the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa#nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to#see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc#I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being#treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through#any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt#but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much#but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really#I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen
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first night on my actual shift is….going
#im very overwhelmed#it just feels like so much to learn and everything is so scary#so im still not sure how i feel about it or if i’ll like it ;-;#snow.txt
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"have you eaten?" "yes" i said, like a liar
#vent#ed tw#i havent been coping very well and i've been lying to my parents about my disordered eating in these past few days#i did have breakfast. and a chamomile. and a plain tofu burger. about 7 hrs ago#couldn't bring myself to eat anymore because i just. cant#i had a panic attack earlier and another one yesterday and im drained because i havent had this many in a row in years#and if im reverting back to how i was a decade ago im killing myself this time without a question because now i know how it goes#i feel like nothing could ever fix the situation im in in general in life and just thinking about it is sending me into a panic again#i feel so alone yet so overwhelmed and so stupid and so tired of everythibg#tomorrow i have breakfast with my friends and i cant just not eat because they will absolutely force me to#like theyve been around long enough to just know without asking too many questions but still making sure i eat#also i didnt plan anything for lunch and my fridge is half empty bc i didnt have the physical strength to go grocery shopping#so i have i think yoghurt bananas tofu burgers and water#also one tomato. just checked#im so tired i want to die and not out of despair but out of exhaustion#like. i did what i had to do in this life. failed miserably. seen enough. i dont think being here for any longer would be fun#sorry if you followed me via ao3. i vent a lot here. sorry.#being an adult with these issues that teens usually have is mortifying. genuinely
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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thinking abt all of my missed connections and romantic relationships that never got off the ground.....
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/92709d75adf94e4742499886b609d117/1c19f556e5385004-5b/s540x810/5a9f5627a0924d719a15b24b80aa90b061569079.jpg)
#the nonbinary person i met when i was visiting my friend at college#and we hung out together a bunch that whole week and held hands and cuddled and shit#but i was 18y/o and didn't know how to interact w people and i never saw them again after that visit#also they were pretty masc presenting and i was prehrt so everyone who saw us perceived us as a cishet couple which made me feel awful#or the coworker that i had that im p sure had a huge crush on me#and we went on what may or may not have been a date once#and she gave me a bunch of jewelry and cool rocks for my bday#but after i quit that job we never talked again#or the nonbinary person i met at rosh hashana services last year#who i talked about horror movies w a bunch and even ended up getting their number#but then i got anxious and took too long to message them and then it just felt like it would be awkward if i suddenly did out of the blue#or the way that every time i join a dating app as soon as i start talking w someone and either hitting it off or they start flirting w me#i get overwhelmed and delete the app#whyyy am i like this OTL#yapping
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just went through all my ao3 fics and edited all the tags because i feel like i overtag a lot and it always bothered me. tbf the most overtagging happens in my relationship/character tags but i find it super difficult to judge who/which relationship is important. like friendships are So Important in my fics i dont feel like i cant tag less there? especially my longer fics. amtc james&sirius and black brothers are in my mind at least if not more important than literally amtc jegulus. i know its a jegulus fic but also jegulus is just the catalyst for other relationship dynamics. how do you tag that stuff
#honestly same with operation wanker#i finally put the wolfstar tag at the end of the relationship list#because genuinely when i first wrote the fic i debated leaving that out completely because i just do not focus on them At All#but considering theyre the very reason for the whole fic i couldnt not tag them#but james and sirius in operation wanker are as important to me as jegulus#and they go through a similar plot line of developing and changing so ?? yk???#idk how to tag i am really bad at it honestly#as you can tell i have exam season#hence me doing anything but the things i should be doing#hp#fic rant#i need a tag for general ramblings#i did take out a lot of character tags in a lot of my fics#like in some of them i literally now have a relationship tag but not the character tag which im also still not sure at#like on lies and spies still has the peter&marlene tag but it doesnt have a marlene tag anymore#and im still debating if i should also take the relationship tag out but also its important for peters actions??? idkkk man i am bad at thi#took out a lot of tags from amtc because i just felt it was too long overall#like i do think they were not completely unimportant but it was such a wall of text i felt a bit overwhelmed#tagging fics where its literally just 2 characters and theyre romantically/sexually involved is so much easier#like on high delight the tags make perfect sense because its very obvious what the focus is on#but i so seldomly write fics that are confined to just a ship (/) dynamic#maybe this is my arospec that ive been eyeing for the past 10 years and keep ignoring showing#i just care about writing relationships (&) so much more honestly#ok thats actually a lie im not tooo good with just platonic fics but i like writing romantic stuff in the context of friendgroups#i like characters having to keep secrets from the people they usually tell evrything to#love exploring characters finding out they have friendship boundaries they previously didnt know about#love writing about trust and and conflicting feelings and having to make choices#also lmao very iconic of me to have 5km of tags on a post of me saying i am prone to overtagging. really proving my own point here
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